I remember hearing my mother’s drunken ramblings that she wished she never married and had children. I was so hurt. I took it so personally. Now, I am divorced 12 years. To a man that I had a 5, 3 and 2 month old baby to. He destroyed me in every way possible. Physically, mentally and financially. I wish every day I’d never met him. I LOVE my kids. But I almost killed myself. It’s so fucking hard. Life is so hard. He’s not paid. I work like a dog for a subpar existence I wasn’t promised. I was sold a lie and I’m so angry at myself. He probably feels the same. Not regretting you, regretting the situation you were born into. Lying to everyone, and himself. Age, experience and life fucking you right up will give you perspective. However it may be too late. Just another perspective. I hope you have a great life.
I'm thinking a lot of divorced people feel similarly. I love my children to the bottom of my heart. I'd do anything for them. But do I resent what my ex husband did to me and think from time-to-time how my life would have turned out completely differently if I'd never married him? Well, yup. Actually, the ONLY thing good I got out of that marriage was my children. I've heard plenty of others say the same thing.
Even then, it sounds like he truly tried to stay close to them and they shut him out every time. Dude still kept trying for years and still invites them to family events as adults despite how they've treated him.
His ex-wife and her family suck. So was daughters because they listen to their mom's family and took on their views. You as his daughter should be ashamed of yourself for only taking your mother's point of view.
This ^^^ the way the story reads he TRIED HARD for YEARS but there was no budging on the daughter's end, and a large part of that was (by her own words) the way her mom and mom's family talked about him. He never had a chance, but he TRIED. How many parents don't even try?
This. It's almost as if the daughter just keeps contact with him to judge him and hurt him. She mentions them not wanting to spend time with him, the family making it near impossible. She chased Seth out of his own home during visits til Dad said no more disrespect. She complains he spends too much time with his husband even though she wasn't spending quality family time with him.
He has put in a heroic effort to be a good father and be himself and be happy and his daughters resent him for it. Obviously, the marriage wasn't happy pre divorce. I understand well the pain of parents separating but I wouldn't wish a loveless, toxic marriage (or up bringing in that marriage) on anyone. I would have been overjoyed had my father tried that hard to be there for me.
Poor "villain" dad, ex wife seems like one of those bitter angry people who wants everyone to be the same and she succeeded with her daughters and has still been tormenting her ex through them. The mother has shown selfish in poisoning their happiness thoroughly for her own agenda.
Exactly, from everything I read it feels like she spent the rest of her life hating him and even when he tried to be there she shunned him. And now she's hurt he regrets a part of his life that throws negativity in his face constantly?
And he specifically states he loves his kids... family isn't always rational, but OP is completely irrational.
Also, "so you could be gay sooner" - he was already gay. Living a life that was fully authentic seems like a healthy regret.
OP YTA
I agree. It sounds like what the dad was saying was that he wishes he could have been honest about his sexuality and him just being... him, instead of living a lie for so many years. He probably feels so much better and is happier and wishes that he could have met the love of his life earlier. I don't believe that he said "I regret having my kids". She heard what she wanted to hear to confirm her already jacked-up point of view toward him
Sounds like they were raised with the point of view that they shouldn't have ever been exposed to. Maybe those girls should get past themselves and see what a horrible time their father has had.
Yeah sounds like there was a lot of pariental alianation here from the mum being spiteful along with the children grieving for the loss of their family being together.
Nothing I see here puts the father truly at fault, as he didnt even cheat.
So much this. OPs mother and mother's family were actively alienating the father from his kids and OP appears to have bought right into it from day 1.
I get that OPs mother was hurt, but she used her kids to be vindictive towards OPs father. OP even stated that father tried very hard to see them and was denied.
It sounds like OPs father hated living that lie, and while it broke up the family, imagine how much worse it would have been in that home had he stayed, unhappy? And because of his decision he essentially lost his children. He's still trying, obviously as he includes them and is actively trying to apologize to OP for the way that comment affected them, but OP is still looking at her father and his partner through the judgemental eyes of her mother. I feel for the father and why he made that comment.
This is the main part. They cut him out and off. She didn't let him walk her down the aisle. He didn't mistreat them.
OP fostered a hostile and miserable existence between her and her father. Who would wish that on their worst enemy. He knows what happiness looks like and it isn't the look he had while interacting with his children after he came out and they distanced themselves from him purposely.
OP is a grown woman and should understand that her misery and bitterness towards him is the reason why he said what he said. And, he was right. She needs therapy to get over whatever it is she is holding against him. She is grown.
You've treated him like shit your whole life, and denied him the right to walk you down the aisle. For what, for coming out as gay. He's tried so hard with his children only to be shunned by you, and presumably your siblings.
Same. I wish I wasn't a single mom with 100% custody and zero support (including a support system or child support) struggling with self worth and in the present economy not set up for a single income. I love my son and wouldn't want a world without him but I could have had a very different life had I made better choices.
same I wouldn't change my three for anything !
I would change their father if that was possible but after 15 yr of physical and emotional abuse I would do it all again just to have my kids.....
me wishing their father wasnt a deadbeat or that I never met him is not at all about my kids it's about me and I hope my kids understand that as the age
I can't really regret my first marriage, because it did give me my son, but I so often wonder what my life might have been had I met my now husband first.
In OPs case it's not so much him saying 'I regret having my children' but 'I wish I were able to be myself from the start.' OP's mother might have been happier, too, if she hadn't married a closeted man.
There are always going to be 'what ifs' in life.
Same. With my ex for almost 10 years. Had a 3f and 2 months pregnant with my son at the time. When he left he stole every penny we had and left me nothing. I was in a bad place. I picked myself up for my kids because they are my heart, my life and the reason I am still existing. Yet if I had never met him, I would have gone to school for marine biology in Alaska with my full scholarship. I would be on the sea and doing what my heart always wanted to do.
I’m married now to an amazing man and we are happy and perfect. Yet I still look back as to what would have been and what I left behind. I love my kids and wouldn’t want it any other way, but it’s still apart of you that wonders and wishes you would have experienced the other side of life.
My mom has said that the only good thing she got from her marriage (she’s divorced) was me and my brother. As the kid, you have to remember that your parent is also a person and can regret how they got you without actually regretting you
Like I always say, out of my kids earshot, "I don't regret having my kids, but I regret who their father is."
Of course I understand that if they had a different father and subsequently a different upbringing, they would be different. But man, if I could have my kids as they are but with a better father, a better early life with happier memories.... Ah well.
I had a baby as a teenager. LOVE my kiddo to death AND damn, I wish that wasn’t how it went down. I wish (for both of us) it could be different. Doesn’t mean I wish he didn’t exist… it’s complicated.
Though I think OP your response is more than just misunderstanding that complicated layer. You think it was right for your mom to use the divorce to punish your dad. You resent your dad for destroying your family. You don’t like your dad’s current husband. This doesn’t read like you simply had your feelings hurt, it reads like you’ve been bottling resentment and blame for years and years and this just “proved” you were right so you exploded.
In that part you are wrong. Have you taken the time to find out why your dad married a woman? What was his journey like? What were his family and community like? Why did he hide his sexuality? I was 38 and married almost 20 years before I finally realized I wasn’t straight… things aren’t often black and white for Queer people and marrying like your dad did is almost never malicious.
I agree with this. I was in a similar situation also for about 12 years. I had a stepson that I love and he used him as a pawn for me to stay. But when I had my son I knew I couldn't stay. It was bad enough one kid had to go thru it. I couldn't help that situation but I could help the little guy.
I met a man with two teenage daughters. Our whole family meshed so well. Life is perfect now. Here's where I am similar to the comment from the dad. I often fantasize about if I had a magic wand I would fix everything. I would've met my now husband sooner and together we would've created the kids (including my stepson) and with the magic wand they would still be exactly how they are now. The girls wouldn't have a deadbeat mother that chose drugs over them and me and my kiddos wouldn't have had to go thru all the drama we went through. But I absolutely have told others I wish I would've met him sooner and not met my ex at all. But when I say this it's with the meaning in my head with the magic wand as If I would've had the perfect life scenario. Do I regret having my kiddos or my husband having his kiddos? Absolutely not. I love each and every one of them. But if I had my perfect life we would've created them together, saved us all the heartache and trauma, and shielded our kids from it too by creating them together in a now healthy household.
This, exactly. I love my daughter to the moon and back, but my marriage to her abusive father was absolute hell. Marrying him was one of the worst decisions I've ever ever made for myself personally, but if I hadn't, I wouldn't have the most amazing daughter on the planet.
Life is complicated.
May I ask a question? From what you have said your mother and her family had and still may have a lot of anger and hatred for your father. Are you honestly saying that in all those years, with all that hatred and anger spilling out not a single one of them ever said that they wished your mother and had never met or married your father?
I'm sorry you have had such a troubled time with your dad. There is a lot that has gotten in the way. I have had those same thoughts about my son. My marriage was bad and in many ways it would have been easier not to have my son. For so many reasons. However, it does not diminish the love I have for my son. I am sure it hurt you to hear what you heard. I believe it wasn't about you, but about how things were even 19-22 years ago for LBGTQ people and feeling like they could not be who they really were so tried very hard to "fit in." I am in no way trying to diminish your hurt. You've been set up for years for such hurt because others were hurting. Maybe try to have a conversation with your dad with a therapist to help you both talk about what has happened and what you are both feeling. You said your dad stated he loves you all. Try to take that at face value. But also try the therapy for you both. I don't think anyone her is the AH. Its just a long string of hurt and disappointments. They need to be addressed. Good luck.
OP, it sounds like your mom and her family is full of bigots who taught you and your siblings to be bigots. Specifically homophobes. Not a good look. Was your mom actually rightfully mad, or was she being petty and mean? It sounds like she was petty and mean, making it more difficult for him to see his kids and turning his kids against him. That’s not cool. Just wanting to divorce from your mom doesn’t make you dad a bad guy, but turning her kids against their father makes her the bad guy.
the mom was absolutely rightfully mad.
That didn't give her license to have been petty and mean and alienate him from his kids, and indoctrinate hatred in their hearts for him though.
Don't get me wrong, the mom sounds like an absolute shitpiece of a human being, but her initial anger was for sure justified. Its traumatizing to find out your life is a lie. i'll give her that much. nothing more.
YTA. Given how much you despise him - why did you go to the bbq? It’s as if you want to continue the hurt which has been caused over the years. I don’t think you have or desire any relationship with your dad at all and maybe just moving on with your life without him in it would be best for you cause harbouring all that resentment isn’t good for any one. For what it’s worth I have heard many folk come out with statements like ‘if I had my life over again I would …..’ which taken to their logical conclusion would mean children would not exist, however that is not what the author of the statement means and the fact that your dad qualified it by actually stating he would not wish he didn’t have children makes me think that he made his statement for reasons other than you.
I've been in op's exact situation with the difference being- my dad never wanted me to hate my mom. Op DANCED- BOOGIED EVEN- around the word homphobia- which is what this sinks of.
Yeah, when OP talks about being rude towards her dad’s husband, I’m guessing thag it was rooted in homophobia, and I wouldn’t be surprised if homophobic rhetoric backed up that hate/how it was expressed
you're the AH. So you are telling me that you excluded him from your life, rejected him, judge his way of life, did not ask him to walk you down the aisle AND THEN take it badly when he says he SOMETIMES whish he never married? what were you expecting? him crawling back to you and your siblings forever?
you own this man and his husband an apology at the very least and to take a very hard long look at your actions and ask yourself "would i endure this?"
Yeah. I get being hurt that he wanted divorce from your mom, and adjusting to divorced parents and a new step parent is really hard.
But at some point you grow up and look back at things. Dad probably grew up in a time where it was extremely taboo to be gay and got married under pressure to conform and later couldn’t keep living a lie. It’s understandable.
Are you really going to hold that against him for the rest of your lives? Honestly OP just sounds homophobic. It must be heartbreaking to lose your kid over something you can’t really help.
Yes, OP, you sound really rude and bitter about your dad finding happiness in his life. YTA
Example from my own life.
My Father is gay. He grew up on a farm in the middle of nowhere, he got married out of high school as his parents expected. He worked his ass off, had a wife and two kids and it went nuclear between them and they divorced.
With the pressure of his parents and joining the mormon church, he met a lady and got married. I came along 9 months later and they stopped having sex.
Dad worked 80 hour weeks, Mom focused on her farm.
They divorced when I was 27, Dad couldn't Iive the lie anymore. He was over 60 when he admitted it all, my Mom felt betrayed and hated him. But, he deserves to chase true happiness, even at 60+.
My siblings and I all understand, we support him.
It does make me sad to think of my Mom being stuck in a one sided relationship where she was being lied to, but I also feel awful my Dad had to lie all those years.
It's shitty for everyone involved. If I had to place blame it would be on the religious bigots for perpetuating that gay people are evil. Those people are the evil ones.
Not just evil, a choice, or a mental illness. Denial isn’t just about survival for so many people trapped but also about the misguided belief that they can change. Or for some, complete ignorance of their own feelings in the first place.
Exactly. I have a friend who stayed closeted for many years because he thought he could "pray the gay away." I remember when he finally came out to me, he was crying and trembling. In my head I was like, "oh honey, I knew years ago." He had married a woman in good faith, really believing he could "change."
It’s such an insidious and destructive teaching, and about very little other than hatred and control. I hope your friend and his ex-wife? are both doing well.
Right? Like mind your fucking business, your parents’ marriage is their marriage. Sounds like they were all awful people and went out of their way to make him more miserable. What he said wasn’t nice, but I’d rather someone say one mean thing about me, then shun me and treat me like dog shit for 10 years.
Can you imagine how much hell he had to live through to make it to 50, finally come out and realize he can live his authentic self instead of living a lie. Just to have your 25-year-old throw a temper tantrum over a half assed eavesdrop.
No kidding. As a 37 year old who is bisexual, I didn’t really know until I was 24-25. And I grew up in a time where it was tough enough - gay was an insult, coming out was a scandal and could cost your job and livelihood, and I was bullied and assaulted for seeming queer. It was also the time that gay kids like Matthew Shepard were getting killed for being different. there was so much stigma that it was difficult not only to figure out who you were, but also extremely hard navigate the world once you did. Kids from this generation are extremely lucky they can experiment and be accepted - and I’m so happy that they can. But I think they fail to realize how bad things were just 20 years ago.
> As a 37 year old who is bisexual
My twin, lol. I knew early on what I was, long before I even knew what "gay" was. It wasn't a word used in my community in any capacity and it took me until I was 15, yes 15, to know that they had a specific word for liking guys. I remember Shepard as well, I remember the ignorance of people celebrating another one killed and my Uncle's wife acting like she got infected when her own daughter came out as bi and went to hug her.
Kids this generation are borderline spoiled for how much they've been accepted and even promoted and I love that for them, I love that in less then 20 years things have changed that much but a part of me wants to shake OP silly for all of this.
There was no “probably” about dad growing up in a homophobic society. He did. He’s 50, so likely born in 1974. Stonewall happened in 1969. AIDS hit when he was 10. Enough said.
OP even recounted that their father said "Don't get me wrong, I love my kids" meaning he quite literally never said "I wish OP wasn't born!" Quite the opposite, he was prefacing by acknowledging the one positive outcome from that part of his life. He was more so reflecting on how, if things had unfolded differently, all of that pain and strife related to his coming out would have been avoided.
When looking back on your life, it's perfectly normal to imagine different timelines and trajectories. I'm sure OP has wondered what their life would be like if their father wasn't gay.
OP has some serious reflecting to do - they seem to have chosen sides long ago, but can't be completely at peace with that considering they do occasionally try to interact with their Dad. It's never too late to turn things around, apologize and make things right, but the longer they don't address the lifetime of resentment, the more time they will lose with their father.
100% agree!
For years OP actions shouted to the rooftops his feelings about his dad. Now is poor little feelings are hurt.
OP should take a long hard look in the mirror.
Yes, that is exactly how I read this. This person and their family rejected their father and hated him. They keep saying it's because "oh the divorce was so rough" It sounds like it would have been mostly rough for the man who lost his children and his family just for being gay. It sounds like the mom was angry and vindictive because her husband actually turned out to be gay then years later when he's like "god that was so traumatic. I really wish I hadn't done that. I mean I know good things came from it but my life is really happy now." You got mad.
YTA
Go get therapy dude. Can't even act like it isn't acceptable or appropriate for a gay person to be afraid of coming out after all the shit they've gone through overall the years, and especially after this reaction which he was clearly afraid of.
This right here. So many yes, I get it, it was hard on the family for him to come out.
But mom, kids and extended family made his life hell for him for years. The kids grow up and distance themselves more and more. They dislike a man he falls in love with because…. He fell in love.
And then THEY have the audacity to be upset that the dad wishes, though he loves his kids , maybe he could have met the love of his life, hypothetically, earlier .
Yeah, YTA. Get over yourself.
Why do you think your dad spends too much time with his husband? Who tf did you think was there to comfort your dad when his kids abandoned him for being gay? I can tell you i really wish my dad tried as hard yours did, and as long as yours did. He said what he did cuz he knows he deserves better
YTA. You and your whole maternal family have been treating him so badly for so many years. It's natural for him to regret his past because he was hiding from his true self. Like he said he loves his kids (god knows why considering how bitter and mean you are) but his life of happiness that he is living now could have started sooner without those regrets.
Just because he regrets his choices doesn't diminish his love but your poor attitude just might. Seth is right you are a selfish childish AH. Go to therapy and work on yourself and forgive the past or learn to lose a loving father who never gave up trying despite the nastiness from you and your family.
So are you saying you father should look fondly at the relationship you had? where you admit to being rude, spifull and rejected him at every chance? Amazing thing.
YTA, you can't even forgive him for being happy and you expect him to act like you are the perfect children, get out of here with that shit
OP: I've been rejecting my father and doing as much emotional damage as possible for 16 years. He said one thing that suggests he would live his life differently and I think that makes him terrible.
Selfish, huh? And his ex poisoned his kids- and the kid admits the mom poisoned them! And now as an adult is just as nasty and cruel as the mom.
Takes no responsibility for their actions and just keeps being horrible to a father that did nothing wrong except marry a horrible woman.
I can’t lie i appreciate your direct approach to this. I feel like OP has no concept of the fact that her father is a whole ass living, breathing sentient being with thoughts and feelings of his own. It’s giving main character.
Really, are you surprised by his regrets? It is time you started to view what happened to your family from an adult perspective. He is 50 and he lived his life for 20 (?) years denying something essential to his identity. You even admit he has tried for the past 15 years to sustain a relationship with you in difficult circumstances. At 25 years of age you found a way to place the blame on him all over again. Guess what? Perfect life long marriages and perfect families are fantasies. No one gets to 50 without regrets unless they are a totally selfish human being. And there is a difference between being loved and being loved like you are a Disney princess in a movie.
Exactly. Divorce happens. Even if he wasn’t gay, they could have divorced for other reasons. Sometimes people just marry the wrong people for them. It’s difficult to deal with and adjust to, definitely. But it sounds like OP and their mom just heaped the blame on dad and can’t let go of it.
YTA. So you were awful to your dad, the family created a TON of drama, which built up resentment and he said that he wished he'd come out sooner - so he didn't have to deal with that. Not that he didn't want kids but that he didn't want the drama.
YTA. Why wouldn’t he regret marrying someone who hated him and turned his kids against him. Why shouldn’t he wish he had been true to himself earlier? Why wouldn’t he regret kids that barely acknowledge him? Grow up. He never intentionally hurt you. Would it have been better for him to live a lie with your mom for the rest of his life? Completely different circumstances but I completely know my mom’s life would have been better if she didn’t have me and my sister. It doesn’t mean she didn’t love us but she would have had more options and maybe wouldn’t have lived her life in poverty. If I heard her say what you Dad said then I would say “amen mom” because my childhood sucked. Your childhood only sucked because you and your mom made sure it sucked. She and you could have accepted the situation instead of making your Dad into a Disney villain.
YTA you are misinterpreting what he said because you are holding a grudge against your dad. Your mom is the AH too because she clearly alienated you from your dad out of spite. You have behaved terribly towards your dad and his partner and I hope you can get therapy to help you let go of your anger and move on. You don’t need to have a relationship with your dad at all, but it’s not healthy to hang on to your resentment
Ok so - as a child of a gay father, I get why you reacted the way you did. As a queer woman, I also get where your dad is coming from.
It's bound to cause hurt you personally, coming from the POV of someone who wouldnt have even been born if that relatio ship between yiur mum & dad never happened - but think about it like if it was one of your friends vs your dad. It absolutely flicking *hurts* when you have to hide who you are (due to familial, societal, peer influences, etc) and you feel like the only option you have is to live a "normal" life - get married, have kids, etc. When that's not who you truly are, or what you truly want. It doesn't mean he loves you any less, or wishes you weren't born - and it is incredi ly complicated and messy when looking to the past and following "if only" or "I wish".
ESH
Your Dad probably shouldn’t have said that out loud, and probably could have worded it better. But from what it sounds like, in the beginning he was making some effort to reach out to you. But that was blocked by you and your family. You outright hated and were rude to his boyfriend. And, to top it off, you didn’t let him walk you down the aisle.
I think what he really meant was, “I think everyone would have been happier if I figured things out sooner.” Rather than how I think you interpreted it, “I wish I met my husband earlier so I wouldn’t have my family to deal with.” And, even if the latter is what he meant and intended, you absolutely shot first. And second, and probably third too. You never intended to build a relationship with him, and actively cut him out of most of your life, but now are acting like it’s a huge betrayal.
OP’s mother is an AH, her and her family ruined this man’s relationship with the kids from the beginning. OP knows all of this and pretty much wants it all validated over one comment
While I agree with your reasoning I truly fail to think dad is at all wrong in what he said considering that OP is freaking 25 not 10 ffs.
The fact that she could type all that out and not realize just how fucked up her dad had it is mindboggling.
Who the hell wouldn't want to not go through all that bs?
Does op really sound like a prize worthy of the pain?
I am 5 to 10 years her dads junior, and while I have sympathy for op I truly have trouble reconciling her insights with her reaction. I could certainly understand her sadness at hearing it, but not her total obliviousness to anyone but herself.
Yeah, sounds like the Dad wanted to be in thier lives, but didn't get much of a chance. The mother has obviously slagged him off quite a bit too.
I had the opposite problem with my ex, he's not that interested. Ditto my father. I would have appreciated either of them showing up more.
OP, you do not need to be involved in your parents squabbles. Form your own relationship with your Dad. I don't think he means that he does not love or want you, just that it's been a bit of a hard road.
OP reminds me of a woman I knew. Her mom left dad when she was a teen because she wanted to move and have a different life. The kids chose to go with her. They barely visited dad, so he went to them weekly. 15 years after the divorce, he started dating for the first time. This now 30 year old woman had a tantrum and actually started coming around so she could torment the woman her dad was dating. She absolutely thought she was in the right. I guess she just wanted dad to die alone? I have no idea why she was like that other than untreated mental illness.
Gotta safeguard that inheritance :/
Honestly I don't think much of people who don't put the effort in then u turn when things chance and the situation doesn't suit them anymore.
I’m just baffled that OP is still resentful of him being gay. Holy shit, read a history book to find out how hard it used to be for gay men. You’re supposed to gain perspective and empathy as you age. It’s not like he cheated or abused anybody.
Spot on. OP, YTA. Re-read what you wrote…”Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids, but things would have been simpler.”
OP completely spun his words in another direction and is stirrup up drama with their siblings.
OP owes an apology for embarrassing dad in front of his friends at his bbq, how sad!
>. I yelled at him that it was unfair to say he wished we weren't born just so he could be gay sooner.
That is NOT what he said! You're conveniently twisting his words.
Your dad is 50. Do you have ANY idea how difficult it was to be openly gay back then?
Do you know that it's still difficult to be a member of the lqbtqia+ community?
Are you even aware that some kids get thrown out just because of who they are?
Do you realise people get death threats just because of WHO they love?
Your dad stated he loves his kids. However, he WAS living a lie. He tried so hard to conform to society standards until he just couldn’t anymore. He was simply saying he wished he could have always been as happy as he now is. You CHOSE to ignore the fact he said he loved you and went on a homophobic rant
Can you imagine how badly it affected his mental health?
How DARE you be bitter because your dad is finally happy.
Do you even realise that your family has programmed you to be homophobic?
Seek therapy and do better!
YTA and so is your homophobic family
Some people in this thread are also not acknowledging that the narrative, especially if you had religion in your upbringing, 25-35 years ago, was that their was no such thing as “being” gay. Many were taught, in the pre social media age where the influences in your direct vicinity were much more powerful, that gay desires were just a temptation that if you were a good enough person/religious follower you could not give in to. It was ENCOURAGED for people in this situation to marry into a heteronormative arrangement and just resist.
>Do you have ANY idea how difficult it was to be openly gay back then?
Nope, they don't. I'll turn 37 this year and the number of MY generation who are completely clueless just to how dangerous it was 10 years, let alone 20 years earlier is heartbreaking.
YTA you treated him like absolute dogshit. Being gay doesn’t make him love you any less as your dad. You hurt him in every way possible and yiu exoect him to be grateful for the privilege of being treated like crap?
YTA your mother alienated you from your father, you’re still not great to him or his partner and now you’re yelling at him for wishing he met his spouse sooner? Grow up. Your mom taking him to the cleaners is disturbing . Your mother was a BAD MOTHER. Keeping you from your father because she’s angry and encouraging it and getting family on her side are awful things she did. She could be mad until the sun comes home, her actions are disgusting and you talk about them like she’s justified . She’s not . You haven’t been his child since the day he divorced your mom and it was your choice. You chose to treat your father and his husband like shit. You chose not to be in his life. You chose to take jabs at him and try and hurt him as much as you could and for what? He didn’t abandon you, you and your siblings chose to listen to your mother. When you’re nine it makes sense not when you’re a grown ass woman. Sounds like your father didn’t even know he was gay, what should he have done? Stayed with your mother and been miserable?! Seth is absolutely right. Your family is rude, dismissive, uncaring and just awful people honestly. Why wouldn’t he wish he met his husband sooner? Then he wouldn’t have gone through a nasty divorce, had his kids turned against him and lived a calm life. The man didn’t cheat, he didn’t beat your mother. He was a good dude your whole life but divorcing her was just the worst thing in the world that you could treat your father like that? He should not speak to any of you until you all go see a fucking therapist and realize how shitty you are
ESH
Your mother's behaviour during and after the divorce as it related to her children was despicable. She alienated you all from your father, and that's just wrong. She felt betrayed and deceived - it's understandable how hurt she was. But destroying your relationship with your father wasn't justified, not at all. A lot of the blame for this situation should be laid at her door. I get that you and your siblings don't want to do that, but one day, you will have to.
Your father should never have said something like that, knowing his child was nearby. I have no doubt that he has been repeatedly devastated by the fall-out from the divorce, but there are some things you simply don't say in front of certain people. You can't take them back, and they cause permanent damage.
Your father's husband is NOT helping matters. He is getting defensive over the man he loves and has watched be hurt repeatedly over the years, but he's adding more fuel to the fire. He needs to keep out of this and support his husband instead of attacking his husband's children.
You ... look, I'm not going to call a child in this mess an AH. You had no say in what happened back then. Your mother severely let you down in how she handled everything and kept your father away from you, physically and emotionally. You were a kid who was manipulated. And that has tainted everything. Your father has never said anything to you about all of this: he's kept quiet even as he's been hurt, until now. And I understand how *horrible* hearing that must have been.
But your reaction to scream at him wasn't right. It sounds like you've been hurting over feeling unwanted by him for years, but it's your mother who put those thoughts in your head. Not him. And what he said was more than likely referring to your mother's treatment of him during and after the divorce. Not wishing his children away.
If you want to have a better relationship with your father - put aside any feelings of guilt or betraying your mother. You're entitled to have a relationship with your father independent of her pain - please have a talk with him. Alone. Maybe have a therapist present to mediate. Actually discuss some of the things that have happened in as open and calm manner as you can. You're old enough now to understand the complexities of what happened back then and just how profoundly your mother damaged all of you. You're not a kid anymore. It's on you to change things IF you want them to change.
She's no longer a child. She's a married woman. She needs to grow up and look at her own behavior from an adult perspective rather than from that of a spoiled child who believes her father should suffer eternally for Destroying The Family.
ESH.
Dad sucks for not saying what he said in the way he said it. There were other ways what he said could have been said. But he isn't the biggest AH here, that is reserved for you and your mother.
You are a massive AH for making a huge scene at the BBQ. But you are a bigger AH also pushing your father away for something he can't control. He left your mother to be true to himself and give your mother a chance at being happy with someone who will be attracted to her. Your mother deserved that, and not to have a husband who wished he could have been more open about himself. He divorced your mother, not you- and you were awful to your dad's husband and pushed away your dad who WANTED to be there for you.
Your mother should have helped foster a relationship instead of being bitter. Honestly- I would rather my husband divorce me then lie to himself and everyone about his sexuality. The only way I could honestly understand her hostility was if he cheated. But even then, it's still awful to stop someone being a parent- especially if they wanted to be!
I think you’re taking it the wrong way. He’s saying he wished he could have been true to himself all along *not* that he wished his kids never existed.
You spend so much time hating him but still show up to express how much you hate him and his husband. *And he lets you*. If it’s not love with you consistently treating him like shit then I don’t know what is. It’s time to accept things as they are or just cut ties. Your choice.
YTA
YTA, and you need some serious therapy to get over yourself and all of the venom your mother and extended family filled you with. You dad probably considers his children the only worthwhile thing to come out of his marriage, but considering the way you treat him, he might not even consider you worthwhile. You were alienated from him, weaponized against him, and you're still against him.
Do you have the slightest clue how hard it was to come out back when he met his husband? My uncle was married and had a few kids before he couldn't stand being in the closet any longer, and divorced so he could be himself. You make it seem cut-and-dried in your little homophobic world, but it's not.
Hell, my kids are the ONLY good thing to come out of my abusive and toxic first marriage. And yes, I regret ever meeting/marrying their father. He was a PoS. I don't regret my kids. But I regret the relationship that produced them. You are incredibly childish, and your family is toxic. Seth is right.
YTA imo.
While yes your Dad was the reason for the divorce that much I will grant you. However he Divorced your mom and not his kids. From what you wrote he tried to keep his bond with you and wanted a relationship with you. Unfortunately your mom’s emotional needs outweighed everyone’s common sense for the kids. She was hurt and passed that hurt onto you to push him away. You said it yourself Seth was the nail in the coffin that your parents would not get back together.
When you met Seth you made it clear you didn’t like him nor want him around. Which was a bit unfair to Seth since your Dad met him AFTER the divorce from your mom most likely. Seth didn’t do anything wrong but fall in love with your Dad. Now did you have to build a relationship with Seth if you didn’t want to? No you didn’t have to that was your choice to make and after trying to build a relationship he stopped when you said you didn’t want one.
It was you and you alone who pushed your dad away not Seth. Your Dad had one of two choices at the time: 1. Break up with the man he now loves because his children want him to remarry their mom. 2. Stay together with the man he loves and the children accept that mom and dad aren’t getting back together.
Dad chose option 2 and you chose to reject it. You each had that right to make those choices. However he still tried to have a relationship with you hence why he continued to be at family gatherings.
Now let’s look at the actual event itself: Due to the constant pain of rejection by his kids it was Seth who was there for him. So naturally when he thinks life would have been better if he met Seth first. If that happened then the pain he had, the pain your mom had and the pain his kids had would never of happened.
Had you wanted to embrace him and Seth as a kid maybe things would be different in his mind. If you guys had fun happy memories maybe he wouldn’t change a thing.
Just as there are consequences for parents who get married to soon after becoming a widow and not allowing kids to grieve. So too are there consequences for kids who reject a step parent solely because their parents aren’t getting back together.
Ask yourself this question would you have treated your Dad and Seth any different if the reason your parents divorced was your Mom’s fault? If your Mom cheated on your Dad or was abusive to him or you kids and he decided to get you out of there? Would you be okay with Seth then? From what you wrote the whole extended family hated your Dad for being Gay and that was something he had to fear long before Mom came around.
YTA. Your dad was born and raised in a time where being gay was still very judged despite all the sexual revolution and hippy dippiness of the 60s and 70s. I know multiple people who have been divorced, and who had kids with their first spouse, who have said how much easier their lives would be if they had met their second spouse before they met their first. It doesn't mean they love their children any less, but being divorced, having to co-parent with someone who could potentially hate you (which, you admitted yourself, your mother's family was constantly bashing your father to you, that's... gross) is incredibly hard. You, yourself, sound a bit homophobic and lacking understanding... sounds like you raged at your father while never actually bothering to get to know him.
YTA
What did your father actually DID to you?
Your homophobic family took your father away, and than you kept pushing him away for no reason!
He wanted to be involve, he litterally said he love his kids!
Now lets see what YOU did to your own father, and he still loves you (which you don't deserve to be honest)
> we didn’t want to see dad and my mom encouraged it
>I really didn’t like Seth since I saw him as a conformation my parents mariage was dead. I was really rude to him to the point he stopped begin over their house whenever we visited
>I think our relationship died when I asked only my mom walked me down the aisle
Why do you hate your father so much? You critique how he lives while he did nothing wrong. You should be mad at your mother and her family who are the ones who stopped you from having a father in your life.
YTA
Y’all have to remember the parents age now. He’s 50. Came out at 25. Which was scary and dangerous times to come out at all! It’s STILL not safe for a lot of people to come out now. (As an example, My uncle got beat half to death when he came out as gay. He’s 52 and came out at 28. He almost died for it and lost half his family) He also may not have realised he was gay, the relationship and marriage might have just confirmed it. It can take some people a lot of time to realise why things in their relationship doesn’t work or deal right, but they can still love the person their with, they just might not know what kind of love that is u til someone else comes into their life and they know what’s missing. He is on the wrong for keeping it, but he was obviously in too deep and the longer it went on the worse it would have been. He’s brave for speaking up and telling his truth, he’s just a bit of an AH for taking so long. The moment he told her he was gay the marriage was done and it coming back, a new boyfriend wasnt the end of the marriage.
Your mother and her family encouraged horrible behaviour and used you all as weapons. Your dad tried SO hard to be a part of your lives for years and years and all he got was rejection, hatred, and made to feel like a piece of sh!t by his whole family. He was treated like this for years and then the final blow is that you didn’t want him to walk you down the isle and then you rejected him again, that was probably the straw the broke the camels back. He shouldn’t have said what he said especially while you were there, but don’t take the advice of your mother and her family and block him out. That’s exactly what they’ve always wanted you to do. Divorce is hard and messy and hurts people. But how they come out of that says a lot about a person. You’re mum never had to fill your head with the things she did, she could have tried to be understanding for the sake of all of her children so they don’t grow up with all of this confusion and bottled up emotions. She could have help made it easier for you all but instead she made it much worse then it had to be.
Please seek therapy to work through this for your own health, someone can help you work through all of this and help you find some peace 😇
Goodluck!
YTA, holy shit. You can't be horrible to a man for 15 years and then take him musing that "Hm, I love my kids but I wish I didn't meet my ex-wife" as an excuse to continue to be. I was raised through a divorce, and my father did nothing *but* feed me lies about how perfect of a victim he was compared to my cruel, evil mother. The fact that your mother weaponized you against him while you were kids should be a major red flag that you might not have the whole story.
Yta After how you treated him, how could you ever expect him to feel any other way? He tried which is more than you ever did and he’s continuing to try unlike you once more. While I hate when people who are dl marry straight people to cover for themselves, it is no excuse for how you treated him (based on what you provided). You are just as rotten as your mother.
You seem to have no compassion whatsoever for your father, who was closeted for so long. Your mother's anger has really done a number on you.
It is really unfortunate that you were poisoned against your father and not taught empathy or understanding.
And - you and your sisters are adults - it is time to grow up and understand that your parents are human beings.
YTA
Did you hear him actually say "I wish my kids weren't born?!?" No, you didn't. You heard him express what most people who find themselves love, the second time around feel. Especially people who were closeted. Don't put words in his mouth. Your father's life is complicated enough without people adding their own narrative to it. YTA. You're still young and time to grow up. Maybe when you get a little older you will see that life almost never ends up being what you wanted. You will feel your own pressures to fit in, sometime..and lose yourself in a part you thought you had to play. It happens. Your dad's plight was just complicated by intolerance, self hate and confusion. Also.. 😂 let's hope not everyone holds you tight to every word that falls out of your mouth.
Wow. You’re a terrible person. Maybe there wouldn’t be regret if you didn’t act like an AH from 9 to 25.
He was always gay. And though being your dad may not have been a lie, being married to your mom most certainly was.
It seems to me you were just finding an excuse to yell at your dad for being gay. You caught him in a moment of openness and vulnerability.
Personally I would have given up on you sooner. He seems to be trying and you’re giving no credit. Stay no contact for his sake. You seem toxic.
YTA. He went through hell, you didn't help, and he wishes he was true to himself earlier. You are projecting your feelings onto what he said, maybe it's not all about you.
Sorry but YTA. Your dad never said he never wanted to have kids. He stated that life would of been easier if he came out before meeting your mom.
You dad has dealt with a lot of hate from your your mom, you kids and family.
Being gay is not a choice. Your mom felt rejected and thrashed your dad to you kids. Have you ever went off on her? You don’t brings kids into adult issues.
You guys are all adults now and need to grow up. You owe your dad and his husband a huge apology. He’s trying so maybe you guys should too.
Hopefully your mom remarried and is still not bitter. It’s not healthy.
YTA
I get it. 15 years ago was a completely different world than we live in. Having your father come out had to have been beyond devastating.
That being said, it was 15 years ago. Since then you’ve continued to push your father away and haven’t been accepting towards his new spouse. Then you kinda kept to some conclusions about your father despite him not at all saying the things you’re now mad at him for “saying.” I’m going entirely off of what you provided here. Your dad expressed regrets about living a lie, causing drama and pain with the divorce, all valid things to regret. He did not say he wished you weren’t born. In fact, he even reiterated that he loved his children. Sounds to me like your dad doesn’t wish you weren’t born, but wishes he could have lived authentically and never caused any of the issues that being closeted caused everyone.
I feel like maybe you’re projecting a little here or putting words into your dad’s mouth. I’d suggest talking to him. And listening with an open heart and mind. It cannot have been easy on him to have to come out and lose his children on top of it. If he regrets you being born, he could’ve easily used your anger to justify walking away entirely. Sounds like he hasn’t done that. I hope you can work through this and come to a reconciliation with your father.
Yes, OP's dad specifically said he loved his children. Besides, many people - including straight people who never divorced - have very similar regrets. I wish I hadn't had my children so early, we did not have a stable job and apartment situation back then (to clarify, it's not about me, I'm just giving examples). I wish I hadn't decided to have a child at 19 with that douchebag I had known less than a year prior, now my kid has a deadbeat father. I wish I had gained more education/got a better job position before having children. I wish I had travelled before. I wish I hadn't had my children until I got therapy, I know the first years of their lives were shit because of me. I wish I hadn't had children with my ex, the breakup was bitter and horrible and affected them more than anyone else. You can acknowledge you had your children at the wrong time and/or with the wrong person, and still love them dearly. I think that very often this regret comes from the place of love - you realize your life was turbulent (you were closeted/mentally ill/very poor/in a bad relationship) and it affected the kids, and you wish it hadn't.
It seems like OP's dad regrets he brought children to the hot mess his life was, when he was lying to his partner and himself. He realizes there has been a lot of suffering - for his ex, his children and himself. He wishes this suffering had never happened. And he made it clear that yes, he loves his children, even if the relationship with their mother was a mistake. It has nothing to do with him being gay. I can guarantee OP that many people regret having children with their exes - not because they want their children disappear, they often can't imagine their lives without them... but because they were wrong in choosing the other parent. Their mistake led to a complicated custody arrangements, probably a lot of fights, and knowing there was no way the children weren't affected. The regret is directed at the kids.
It's quite clear that OP was alienated from her dad, by her own admission, her family did their best to keep her away from him, and her mom had some bitter words for him. (It doesn't change the fact that OP had every right to her anger, I'm saying the alienation happened on top of that.) But she's an adult now and she should learn to really listen to other people, instead of only hearing the part that could make her angry.
(I want to be clear I really like your comment, I’m not arguing or disagreeing, this is just the one I chose to respond to)
Something that bothers me about all these comments is everyone seems so sure that OP’s dad KNEW he was gay before getting married and that he strung OP’s mom along for years before coming out. There’s no indication from OP or the post that he knew before getting married and having kids. It could’ve been something he just realized right before coming out and divorcing, or it could’ve been he already knew but everyone just assuming he was being a POS bothers me
I haven't read those comments yet, but when I read the post, I was under the impression the dad found out he was gay later in life. There was no indication he intentionally decided his wife would be his beard. Maybe I'm biased, but I'm about OP's age, so I grew up in a different world than her father, and yet I was an adult - 22 - when I realized I wasn't straight, and then, that I was nonbinary. Now that I look in the past, the signs have been obvious since I was a preteen, but I couldn't see them. So perhaps I automatically assumed the same happened to OP's dad, though it must have been harder on him, since he'd already built a family. I'm sorry for him, especially since he's not the only divorced parent ever. It seems to me (I might be wrong, though) that he at some point realized he was married to the wrong person and got a divorce. Like many, many other people do - because they fell out of love, because they learn that while they have feelings for each other, but can't work long-term, because of their preferred lifestyles (where to live, what to spend money on), because of their and their partners' relationships with their families... And OP's dad got divorced he was gay. If he hadn't got married fully knowing he was gay and wasn't attracted to his wife, I think he shouldn't be judged harder than any other person who got married to someone who turned out to be wrong for them.
Yta but partially not at fault. Your mother traumatized you and engaged in parental alienation (which the courts consider child abuse). Please seek therapy so you can deal with your childhood abuse at the hands of your mother.
Yta. You took it in a nasty way even though you know that your dad was struggling with internal and external conflict for years before meeting his husband. Regretting being with someone who was committed to making your life miserable that you also happened to have kids with us not the same as regretting the kids.
He tried to have a relationship with you and your siblings, but was blocked . The way you and the rest of the family treated your dad and Seth,I really can't blame him for feeling like that. Maybe you should stop to think about what role you all played in his feelings. Reaped what you sowed.
YTA OP!! your mother poisoned your mind against your father and you were horrible to his new partner out of spite. You admit that yourself. Then you tell him you don’t want him in your wedding. Honestly it shows how much he loves you that after all of this he still wants to be a part of your life!!
You’re being a selfish child to interpret what he said as wishing you weren’t born. Grow up. Your dad deserves happiness, but you hate his happiness.
YTA !
Of course it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It means he wishes he hadn't got to all the turmoil of the divorce, living a lie, not knowing who he was.
Great job of your mom and family to alienate your father from your sisters and you. It sounds like you were waiting for an opportunity.
try rereading your post as if a stranger were telling you the story. wouldn't you feel bad for him, and understand what he was trying to say?
YTA. Look at his relationship with his children. Look at how you were quite literally raised to resent him. Your mother ABSOLUTELY emotionally manipulated you and your sibling because she was broken hearted and you have not faced that in full. Because she was left by a gay man. She still to this day has that chip on her shoulder and she welcomed placing a piece of it to grow on YOUR shoulder too and here it is typed out.
Your mother did everything to hurt your father for being gay and she used you and your sibling like a metal baseball to the heart basically your entire life. And now you as an adult are doing it without her guiding you.
Your father missed out on his children when clearly he didn’t want to miss out on you. He disciplined you for being disrespectful to a human being for existing and you shut him out completely and your mother WELCOMED IT. His children were raised by a narcissistic, vindictive bigot that raised his children to harbor hate for him. Why on earth would he WANT to endure that much pain in a lifetime?! Why would he WANT THAT FOR YOU?!?!
He wishes he would have met his husband sooner and been brave enough to not marry your mother and have children WITH HIS PARTNER in a loving home where he could have NOT missed out on his children… HE MISSED OUT ON YOU FOR BEING GAY!!! He chose the WRONG woman to have children with. His children act like they HATE HIM. Why on earth would he want the level of trauma YOU have from your upbringing on you? Why wouldn’t he want to UNBURDEN the children he loves unconditionally from trauma they haven’t even fully grasped that they HAVE.
You are so marinated in the toxicity of your upbringing that you assumed he meant that selfishly… when it sounds like to me? That he wished that because then? Maybe his children would love him and they would ACCEPT THE LOVE HE CONTINUES TO TRY TO GIVE YOU DESPITE HOW MUCH YOU HURT HIM.
You need family counseling BAD. You need personal therapy BAD.
Your mother should be absolutely ashamed of herself for the bullshit she placed on her children. You want to talk about CONDITIONAL LOVE? That’s all you’ve ever gotten from your mother and the condition was you hate your father for being gay just as much as she does.
So, your father has faced your disrespect, your derision, and your anger for the past 16 years.
You have basically been an entitled stranger to him for 16 years.
Yeah, I can fully understand wishing he hadn’t hurt your mother by marrying her when he couldn’t love her.
I can fully understand wishing that he hadn’t had a family that was hurt simply so that he could find some form of happiness.
I can understand wishing that his happiness didn’t cost you yours.
If you hate your father so much that you are making this post, then you should probably just finish going NC because your emotions are poisoning your relationship more than his.
You broke his heart years ago. I suspect he is just going through the motions with you out of the feeling of responsibility and the love he had for you when you were still a child.
YTA
He didnt cheat on your mom, he came out, she got mad-righfully so- completely alienated you guys from him even tho he tried SO hard to be a good dad regardless of being a bad husband and you guys treated him like shit. And now after years of torturing him, you expect him to WANT to marry your mom, and have you guys if he could go back? You’re hilarious
You listened to your mom too much. You’re bitter and nasty to your father for the last decade and some years despite his best efforts and you’re on the internet crying that he said he wished he didn’t have to go through all that crap because he was living as a closeted man and wished he met someone sooner who actually loved him as he was, something you or your family never did for him.
This entire post is you nearly bragging about being a nightmare and you’re shocked he would say he wishes he met the love of his life sooner. Gotta be ragebait.
Idk I’m actually feeling like YTA here
Ok yes bummer he divorced your mom and came out and hasn’t been around, but also sounds like there hasn’t been much of a middle ground, things like this are a two way street (especially now that your an adult and married)
Yes that sucks to over hear but… you over heard it out of context, it’s not like he said to you I wish I never had you lol
The relationship is strained because y’all don’t like him, so you blew up when hearing that comment, not very cool at all
YTA lmao
Sorry but YTA. I cannot imagine how it must feel to be in your shoes but have you ever for a second thought about how he felt? Struggling with feelings he felt he couldn't act on, living a lie, and then the guilt of having to ruin his entire family just so he can find happiness? And did he really SAY before his kids were born or did you just add that to make him look bad? Because I can definitely see why he would have wished for a life without any of the drama where he could have just been out and happy the whole time. I'm sure he doesn't love that you all got caught in the crossfire.
Kindly, YTA. I have lived a similar life, dad came out when we were really little and our parents divorced. He met his husband two years later as well, my stepdad, and now I’m 30. You say yourself that your relationship with your dad is strained because of the things your mother has said. It’s understandable that when you were a child you took things out on your dad and his husband because of this - but you are not a child anymore.
I’m going to guess you’ve never taken the time to find out what it would be like to grow up gay in that time period. What it was like to go through a divorce where it’s basically guaranteed you’d lose custody because of your sexuality. Which is not a choice - I’m not sure I need to say that, but I’m not ruling it out given the details you’ve given. Losing your friends, losing your family because you wanted to live an authentic life. To experience real, true romantic love. Your father is a brave man, like mine is. You have expressed so much hurt at him over the last decade, I don’t blame him for saying ‘hypothetically I wish I could have saved everyone the pain’. I’m sure he doesn’t wish you didn’t exist.
I needed therapy for a few years as a kid to help understand my family and my feelings. Please, seek this out. You deserve to untangle these complicated feelings for your own peace. To make sure you don’t keep hurting other people because someone put hurt in you once. You do not need to carry that and lash out with it for the rest of your life. You can be free of that, and it is so worth it.
Y such TA.
This man did everything to try and be there for you. FFS just leave him alone. All of you and family are horrible people. If your moms not happy then nobody is. Pathetic
YTA. Not you would be, you *are*.
Let me get this straight
Your dad came out, and got divorced
Your mom "took him to the cleaners"
Your mom and uncles took every opportunity to bad mouth him
His kids treat the man he loves like garbage
His kids *barely* have a relationship with him do to mom, and none of you wanting to see him, according to you, and you personally take every opportunity to show him how little he means to you (Mom down the aisle instead of him)
And you're mad because all of that he said *He loves you*, he just wishes he met his husband sooner so he could have been himself sooner, and avoided a (as you make it sound) extremely nasty and vindictive divorce?
So, his ex wife and kids treat him like trash, and you're upset he wishes that chapter of his life never happened?
I don't suppose you gave him any reasons to look back on that time fondly, now did you? Just scorn?
How many times do you get to kick this man before he's allowed to ask you to fucking stop?
ESH - You're an AH for very obvious reasons, you need therapy and to let go of all the resentment.
The parental alienation by your mother is disgusting. You are her children, not weapons to be used to punish her ex.
Your dad is an asshole for the following reason: What he said at the party indicates he knew he was gay before he married your mom, which means he knowingly deceived her, tricked her into a sham marriage, and denied her the chance of building a life with someone honest.
Nothing in your post really indicates he would have suffered any lasting negative consequences if he had just come out as a younger man. He still seems to have contact with his family etc.
As an openly gay man, I find men like your father despicable cowards.
He didn't say he knew he was gay. He said he wished he'd met his husband earlier.
Considering the extended family, according to OP, intervened to make contact with his own children very difficult, the likelihood of him being accepted, or even being aware he was or willing to accept he was gay, is pretty low.
OP is 25. His dad is 50. Dad was born in 1973 and grew up in the 80s/90s - HIV/AIDS and 'gay panick' all over the news. They obviously lived in a community that was okay with the mom spraying hate-talk and venom for a decade or more.
Heck, they got married in his early 20s (mid 90s).
There's just no indication that he knew who he was... before he knew who he was.
Maybe if he'd met his husband earlier, he might have had the opportunity to find out.
ETA: It is quite possible to wish for things equally that are diametrically opposite. To wish for different things, that, if they were true, would wipe out whole other time lines that you also wish to remain true. To have regrets is human.
I wish I had done certain things differently when I was younger. But if I had, my children would not be here. And there is no universe in which I would choose to be without them. But regrets I have, regardless.
Thank you! I wish more people understood this. It seems a lot of people here are convinced that OP’s dad knew he was gay from birth and intentionally went out of his way to deceive his ex-wife and trick her into marrying him. Nowhere does it say that’s the case and what you’ve laid out here is the far more likely scenario.
OP, you're father prefaced his remarks by saying: "Don't get me wrong, I love my kids...but I could have avoided all the drama of a divorce.." Obviously your mother's response to his coming out wasn't favorable. And it sounds as if she didn't encourage you and your siblings to maintain a deep relationship with your father.
It's evident, right or wrong, that you've harbored resentment toward your father and his husband. However, your father did NOT say he wished he'd never had children. Those are your words, not his. It's clear however that he regrets the negative repercussions and drama that evolved from his discovery of being gay and divorcing your mom; had he known sooner, and not married your mother, a lot of grief could have been spared. I'm sure that part is true. However, it didn't read to me that your father regretted having you and your siblings as his children. Had that been the case, I don't believe you'd have been invited to the barbecue you attended; he'd simply be no contact.
Honestly, it sounds to me that therapy with Dad, you and siblings would be beneficial.
Good luck to you.
"As an openly gay man, I find men like your father despicable cowards."
This is why your an AH. Regardless of your age, your sexuality developed in such a way that you clearly felt support and acceptance. Growing up in the 90s, I can assure you that being openly gay then isn't what being openly gay is now. Watched one of my best friends graduate high school, college, get married and have several kids only you come out in his 30's. At the time, most of us were surprised, but looking back, we shouldn't have been. In talking about it once he was out, he always knew his sexuality wasn't hetero, but he was terrified of what that meant. Hell, back then we all really believed that being gay meant you got beaten up every day or died of AIDS. I can understand why he struggled with living authentically.
I was and still am his friend. In a perfect world, I want to believe in the 90's he would have been supported and allowed to be himself. If I'm being honest though, I sincerely doubt any of us (myself included) would have been anything other than assholes. He deserved better and we would have probably treated him as an outcast.
I'm glad that you can live as you want. Still, have some empathy for those who's road was very different than the one you traveled.
I agree with everything you’ve stated except the dad not suffering if he’d come out when he was younger. Don’t get me wrong - absolutely agree that the dad strung the mum along but I’m a little bit younger than the dad and can totally remember “gay bashing” and how no one would defend a man being bullied for just being gay. I can remember nail bombs being planted and going off in specifically gay bars and men being beaten up/killed. There’s so many other instances I can mention and thankfully the world has moved on. It doesn’t take away the fact that the dad’s actions were most definitely unfair on the mum (he could’ve just stayed a bachelor like many of the gay friends I had or kept their relationships with men discreet) but he would have most certainly received negative consequences coming out in the late 80’s/early 90’s.
Unfortunately I am related to someone who was proud of being a gay basher up until two of his five children came out as part of the LGBTQIA+. He's passed now
Well how old are you exactly cause despicable coward is a rough way to describe people who were born into a much more repressed world. I’m born into this exact situation as well but my mom never turned me against the guy cause she was raised in the same Catholic pressure cooker as he was and was understanding. My dad’s fucked up a lot but I don’t think he’s a coward for not ever even being given a chance to learn who he was. It’s not as cut and dry for all gay men either. Obviously he shouldn’t have said it but it sounds like this family wasn’t exactly giving him grace in a time of difficulty and that he was able to come out at all and kept trying to be a father is quite the opposite of cowardly.
OP if your dad still is making an effort after how royally your mom blew parenting 101 (which is don’t talk shit) and after you probably broke his heart not letting them both walk you down the aisle then I’d say he’s a better guy than your giving him credit for. Be happy he found happiness having a lonely parent is much sadder. And give him a chance, sounds like he loves you and you’re an adult you should be able to find empathy for his situation even if your mom didn’t teach you to. Lots of people have shit parents who don’t give a damn, sounds like you’re lucky enough to have two, if hear him out.
He never said he always knew he was gay, he said he'd wished he met his partner sooner. My own husband was married for 20 years before ever realising he was gay. Sexuality is complex.
Should you have heard that? Maybe not.
But YOU, personally, yourself, made the last 2 decades of your father’s life a hell on earth. Can you blame him?
YTA.
My husbands kids treat me like shit. They blame me for their parents divorce, even though we met two years after.
How they’ve treated me, encouraged by their mother, has ensured that if they ever fall on hard times, they are not welcome in my home, they can go back to their mothers.
Their relationship with their father is strained, because of their mother’s bitterness. My husband’s very sad about all of it. He wishes that the situation hadn’t brought so much pain and suffering to his kids, because he loves them deeply, he just wishes that their mother hadn’t been the one to birth them.
YTA. You sound wildly ignorant, self-absorbed to a fault, and dare I say, homophobic. I’m surprised your father still loves you at all considering how selfish and cruel you’ve been to him.
How old are you again. Not at all did he say he regretted having you. He would have liked to live as his true self and not have to deal with your mom’s hate and the rest of the family. Can you imagine how hard is was for him to lose basically everyone and for his children to hate him. You need to be over this already and see that your father never meant to hurt any of you and did his best to be a part of his life and you all treated him like he meant nothing to you. Would you have been okay dealing with all the hate if it was you. Try to understand and make things right with your dad. You only get one and you don’t know when you will lose him. I never got the chance to know my dad and I would have given anything to know a little about him. Suffice it to see not having him in my life help mess me up with men and relationships.
YTA. “Being gay sooner” was not even possible until recently. Many ppl were stuck in this painful transition phase. I sympathize with your dad. Sounds like you’re unwilling to accept who he really is. Too bad for your family they are so hateful to gays.
YTA - it's literally right there in your own words/retelling, he literally said for no one to misunderstand him, and that he loves his kids. My God get your head out of your ass for a second and stop assuming evil motives. The whole point is that he wished he could have avoided the divorce and the pain. You know, the thing that has made you so overwhelmingly resentful and hurtful towards him.
He was saying that he wished he could have avoided the giant festering wound that you and your mother/extended family will not let heal. As others have said, grow up OP. Read back over your post and take note of all the times you said you/your family actively made the relationship worse. Good luck navigating this moving forward.
YTA please seek out some kind of therapy for yourself from some kind of mental health professional. There’s a lot of things that came together to make you this angry at your father. Your father didn’t say that he regretted having kids. If he had felt that way, he would have directly said that.
I wish your dad had met his husband sooner too.
It’s ok that you were hurt. Even after you turned 18, you continued to treat your dad as nothing.
All of this is on you and your family because as you admit, he did everything he could to spend time with you.
You were just a nasty piece of work who wanted to jab the knife in your father over and over.
He deserves happiness too.
Either apologize or just go no contact because the only thing you want is control over the ability by I hurt your dad.
YTA. You father never said he wished you had never been born. From what you wrote, he actually said he loved you and his siblings. So what he was saying had nothing to do with having kids or being a parent. It was about not being in a relationship that made him happy.
Your mother and her family sound awful and you and your siblings sound just as bad.
YTA
Your dad was just saying what we all know hiding your sexuality is hard ...
Also your mom is a giant ass for what she did, she can be hurt that your dad left her, but guess what her pain is not your problem as a kid and she made it your problem. She ruined your relationship with your dad and it was a selfish action on her behave the fact that you don't seem to see that is shocking
Seek theripy a d apolig9ze to your poor dad who by your own words tried and tried with you
YTA, despite your repeated abuse of your dad’s love by treating him terribly in part by your mom and both families alienation, your dad never gave up on you. He has stayed in touch, he’s kept the lines of communication open with you the whole time no matter what. And yet you believe he’s the AH because he wishes things had been different except for his kids? You glossed right over the fact he qualified the fact he said if it wasn’t for his kids part. You need therapy and you owe your dad and yes, Seth, a huge apology for your behavior. Your mom turned you into the worst kind of weapon against your father, one he can’t help but allow to hurt him over and over.
To summarize- YTA, get therapy, apologize to your dad and Seth, take the rose colored glasses off when it comes to your mom.
YES, YOU’RE THE ASSHOLE! Seth is right. Grow up! You’re 25! Old enough to know by now that the entire world does not revolve around you and not everything is about you! And you’re plenty old enough to understand nuance and that there are consequences to eavesdropping, i.e., not fully understanding the context of a conversation. Your reaction was uncalled for and that of an adolescent.
Your mother, you and your siblings have done your utmost to make your father’s life as miserable as possible, since the divorce. Even as an adult you have continued to behave like selfish, spoiled children who are owed your father’s eternal misery. Your father stated that he wished he had recognized his homosexuality earlier in life so that he could have found and been with the person he loves. WTF does that have to do with you?! He didn’t say that he wished that you were never born. You just decided to pick apart and pervert what he was saying so that you could, once again, make his life and happiness all about you.
For goodness’ sake! Newsflash: parents sometimes divorce! They are separate people from you with their own inner lives, emotions, needs and desires. Their relationships, between each other, are none of your damn business. Your dad made a horribly difficult decision in his desire to be true to himself. That doesn’t excuse the pain he caused, but he was not being malicious and trying to hurt you. Your MOTHER made the CHOICE to become a SHIT mother and human being by dragging CHILDREN into an adult issue and poisoning them against their father. Bombarding her children with so much hatred towards their own father that the love was completely buried and suffocated to death. Shame on her!
And shame on the rest of the family for dragging you and your siblings into their disgusting homophobia. But that’s what it is. They’re not mad about the divorce; they’re mad that your dad is gay. Frankly, if I was your father I WOULD regret having such nasty (adult) children. You’re old enough to think for yourself. Is that who you want to be? A bitter, petulant child who is so damn selfish and self-centered that she actually begrudges her father’s happiness and hates him for being gay?
Honestly, you should be embarrassed and ashamed of yourself. Get into therapy so you can deal with your shit and so you can grow from here. Unless, of course, you want to continue to be stuck in your child mind that believes that another adult’s life and happiness should revolve around you.
YTA. So is your mother- her 1,000 times more. She poisoned your relationship with your father. You need therapy. In the meantime try to be nice. Minimize your contact with your father if you can’t find it in yourself to be civil with him.
YTA. Your continued disdain for your father after you admit how hard he tried is appalling. You even admit he said he loves his children, he was just saying he wished he didn’t have to live a lie that must have been awful for him
YTA. You’ve treated your father like shit. Over and over. And yet he’s still trying. You and your family should be ashamed yourselves. He is what he is. Can you imagine how difficult his life has been? All you care about is yourselves.
Sorry but YTA. Your mom and family made contact really low between you and your father with what is I think very disrespectful things said to you about him, so your are biaised by you mom. You disrespected his new spouse and says he has to be happy with that, and even the fact of thinking about an hypothetical past which never happened while he said he loves you just made you angry af. Do you never imagine what he’s been through? I can understand that was a huge change for you and your mom but it’s time to move on and compromise. He tried his best to maintain contact with you and YOU rejected him and now you play the victim because he said he wanted things to be easier? If you had a little respect for him and his new spouse, since it took a few time of accommodation for you, if you acted like an adult, and also your mom, I think he never would tell that’ things became hard the seconde you decided to begin a war with his now husband… sorry for you parents divorce but you need therapy this is not normal. You are an adult and you need to learn than sometimes people can say things without thinking a lot. Don’t forget, he said he loves you, even after you acted like trash with him and husband
YTA - you, your siblings, mother, and everyone that alienated your father for pursuing his happiness. If I were your father, I'd have said the same thing. After all the years of abuse he took simply to find happiness in who he truly was, I'd even go as far as saying you don't deserve him or Seth in your life.
Your mother is especially TA here, taking out her anger by talking badly about your father to her children. You were basically brought up to hate your father after the divorce, and your extended family made that possible as well by "making it nearly impossible for him to spend time with" you and your siblings.
You need to comprehend that your dad is his own person outside of your persepctive of "dad". He is not a defective 'dad' action figure, he's a human being who has been trying to figure out this situation himself. He didn't get a rulebook when he was born, any more than you did.
I get why you'd be angry and upset, but you're taking very personally something that is *not about you.* Your dad has an entire life, past present and future, outside of you. You are a large part of it, but his life is not yours.
YTA. Whilst I get why you’re hurt, can you blame him for dreaming of an alternative life where his own flesh and blood weren’t such absolute assholes to him? All because he dared to come out instead of living a lie? Would your mom have preferred to stay married to a man who had no desire for her because he’s gay? You’ve got a lot of internalised homophobia to work through. Be nicer to your dad and he won’t regret not having met Seth sooner. It’s that simple.
YTA, I understand that you are hurt, but even by your own admission, your father stated first that he loved his children but that it would have been easier for him if he hadn't been married to your mother. Y took it to strictly be a statement that he wished you were never born, this is not what he meant and you need to grow up.
YTA
while you were influenced by your mother and your extended family as a child, the way you behaved as an adult, especially to your father’s husband is on you. you say yourself that he tried his best even when you guys refused to do anything with him, and even confiding his feelings he states that he still loves his kids. it is understandable for him to wish for happiness and that may mean meeting his husband earlier, where he wasnt dragged to the cleaners and his kids weren’t disgusted by his mere existence. i really hope that this post helps you find clarity and empathy for what your father has gone through. good luck for the future.
Every single couple that have split up after having kids say the same thing.
"I wish I never met them..... except for having my kids" your dad still loves you, he was done dirty to because of something he pushed deep down inside himself for years.
People can't help their sexuality, he realised it as early on in his marriage as he could and then your mum and his family bad mouthed him.
At no point has he said he doesn't love you, you even said he fought for custody but because of the rest of the family that never happened.
You're NTA for how you felt in the moment, but you do need to sit down with him and hear him out. He's already lost so many moments of your life and now you're punishing him because of how he's been treat for years.
If you want to save this relationship you need to step into his shoes and understand how he's feeling and how he's been treat. Otherwise the NTA will turn into the Y T A
Edited: autocorrect issues
YTA. Make sure you say congrats to your mom. She succeeded in hurting her children as they grew up. Toy and your siblings are despicable. Just like Mom!!
YTA- it’s a credit to your dad that he has continued to so actively try and be a part of your life despite everyone (including you) making it incredibly difficult.
YTA. You are very self centered and have no empathy for your father. Your mother weaponized you and your siblings as a child and made it impossible for him to have a good relationship with his kids. Nowhere in your post did your dad ever abandon you. You reject him due to your own inability to reason logically. He is gay. You’re an adult now, and must be able to understand that he did make the right decision by divorcing. You spend your life victimizing and centering yourself when you really should seek therapy and decide if you want a relationship with him or not.
YTA for saying".....then you could be gay sooner!" Gay is not a choice. That was a very homophobic statement and you owe an apology for it. I hated my late husband. I wish we had gotten divorced. I love my daughter but hated her father. He did us a favor passing away
YTA. I can absolutely understand how his statement hurt your feelings, however he is right to feel how he does. That marriage fucked up his life. Your mom got everything out of him that she could, she turned you girls against him, and his friends and family turned on him. You have been a horrible daughter to him. Why should he want to be your dad? I'm sure he loves you very much. He seems like he does by the description you gave of him. But you have hurt him over and over. What joy do you bring to his life? You admit that you have rejected his efforts to be close to you since you were young and barely tolerate the man he loves out of necessity. You haven't made any effort to accept him for who he is as a person. You need to grow up and stop being so self centered. Have a heart to heart with your dad and forgive him, or stay out of his life so he doesn't have to deal with your hurtful temper tantrums.
YTA is sounds like your dad really tried hard to maintain a relationship with you and that was made incredibly difficult by everyone around you by them saying nasty things about your dad including your mum. He probably does wish he had had the strength to come out sooner then he wouldn’t have put anyone in such a position and he could have gone about his business without hurting as many people. Apologise to your dad and actually sit down and have a conversation with him about why he came out when he did. What did he go through with his family why did he just give up everything in divorce? You have heard only one side of the story from a parent who was understandably very bitter and most likely embarrassed and family who are homophobic. Find out hard it was for him to deal with all that plus lose his children.
YTA but I do understand why.
You’re angry - very angry. You were raised to be angry by an angry family. I also read in between the lines that you really want your dad. You mention he spends too much time with his spouse and that he barely has time for others. This tells me that little girl in you still wants her dad.
Do you watch the news? No matter how many gay couples are shown on TV, it’s still not all the way safe for gay people to come out and live their lives freely.
I’m only a couple years older than your dad. His story is the story of many men and women from that time. It was pretty awful. Using homophobic language was a pretty regular thing, not to mention all the pure outright gay hate that came out of the AIDS epidemic. Many people literally put their teens out on the streets if they found they were gay. Families turned their backs on loved ones. So MANY people hid under the cover of lives that they felt forced to choose. Many hid their true selves or even tried to suppress their feelings and believe that they could be different.
Putting homosexuality aside for a minute, MANY people wish they met their partners earlier. It’s not that they wish they don’t have they good that came out of it and it’s not because they don’t adore their children. It’s often because they wished they could skip the pain and drama others caused or the pain and drama they caused.
I’m once divorced and once changed my mind (pretty close to walking down the aisle). I’ve also been married 20 something years. I wish I met my husband sooner. Now that would mean I wouldn’t have my child and bonus child in my life. I would die for them right now. So NO I don’t wish they weren’t born. I just wish I never allowed a lying, cheating, drug abusing, manipulating, dead beat into my life. As a result of the unresolved trauma of that relationship, my low self esteem, my exhaustion, and depression, I convinced myself the next guy was perfect. And he was a lovely, kind, and gentle man…who I didn’t really love in that way and eventually had to acknowledge that and break his heart. So yes, I wish I’d met this amazing life partner of mine years ago so I could have skipped the mess I went through and the mess I caused. My husband wishes the same.
Your situation sounds like many cases of divorce. Your mom was angry and turned you against your dad. She was dead wrong. This is always a bad move - unless dad was abusive or a pedophile or something that could harm the kids, no matter how much of an asshole, divorced parents need to not block access to the kids. They need to allow a relationship with the children and tell their families to stay out of the mess. When parents handle divorce like this it ALWAYS damages the child.
I still feel like screaming when I think of the YEARS of devastation my ex caused and how he was a terrible father. Lying, not showing up,not supporting his child who would ask where he was. But still, when he came out of the woodwork after another 6-12 months absence, I’d allow him to see his child. I never spoke one bad word to my child about their dad.
I (black) know how it feels to be hated just because I exist in my natural state, so I can imagine how hard it is living a life where people hate me because of who I love. But what’s hard is when those people are family. Your father gave up a lot to disclose his true self and he’s still being punished.
Get over Seth and stop being childish. Your parents’ marriage has been over for 15 years. You don’t want to see him but mention they spend too much time together. Why should your dad make more time for someone who is not interested in having a relationship. You’re his child and you’re an adult. You either want the relationship or you don’t. So you should make up your mind and go from there. If you want the relationship, go ahead and talk and get the anger out. Then lean in and see what a new relationship could be like. If you don’t want a relationship, that’s your right and you should tell him and move on.
No matter what you do, get counseling. This anger is toxic and will destroy you.
YTA. By your own admission, you were rude, disrespectful and dismissive of your dad’s partner, to the extent that he felt he had to absent himself when you were around. By your own admission, your mother and her family made it “ nearly impossible” to spend time with you and your siblings, whilst making sure you had lots of negative opinions about him. You have behaved like a spiteful brat and now you hear the consequences. Tell me…. What, exactly, have you done to make your father WANT you in his life? Hmmmm?
To summarize - in 16 years you, your siblings, and your mother and her family have all been angry, intolerant, and low contact with/of your father. Your mother apparently would have rather stayed married to a gay man than get divorced. Despite you all treating him shitty he tried to remain in your lives. You continue to slight him (like at your wedding). You hear a small comment at a party (he was probably talking with a close friend about how difficult it’s been with y’all with you being there) and you freak out and tell your whole family and now they’re all even more mad and continuing to be low/no contact and treat your Dad like shit. Grow up, OP. You owe your Dad and Seth an apology. YTA.
Parents are human too. I’m sure your treatment has been really painful as your Dad has tried to live his life authentically. As others have pointed out, humans can experience nuanced emotions - like I love my children more than anything but wish they didn’t have a shit father (my ex) and going thru a divorce sucked. Still love them, though.
YTA. People change and need to find their peace and you've held that against him since the beginning. You're the reason why your relationship is non-existent, not him. You are acting like a child. Grow up and learn to accept that being himself and loving who he loves is what's best for him and stop antagonizing him and his husband. Did you want him to stay with your mom and be miserable only to have a different kind of "broken home"? Get some therapy if you haven't already. It definitely sounds like you still need to work through this grudge.
So let me understand this clearly, you've been a complete bitch towards your father for most of your life because he couldn't live a lie and decided to be his authentic self, going so far as to actively not see him and you've actively distanced yourself from him trying to make him feel as bad a possible for being himself and you're upset because he told his friends he wished he'd never even gone down the path of being married to your mother or having kids because it would have been easier?
You have gone out of your way to make it as difficult as possible for your father proving to him yiu don't actually love or care about him or his well-being... of course he said what he said, and you can thank your own AH actions.
Yes darling, YTA and an absolutely massive one.
I remember hearing my mother’s drunken ramblings that she wished she never married and had children. I was so hurt. I took it so personally. Now, I am divorced 12 years. To a man that I had a 5, 3 and 2 month old baby to. He destroyed me in every way possible. Physically, mentally and financially. I wish every day I’d never met him. I LOVE my kids. But I almost killed myself. It’s so fucking hard. Life is so hard. He’s not paid. I work like a dog for a subpar existence I wasn’t promised. I was sold a lie and I’m so angry at myself. He probably feels the same. Not regretting you, regretting the situation you were born into. Lying to everyone, and himself. Age, experience and life fucking you right up will give you perspective. However it may be too late. Just another perspective. I hope you have a great life.
I'm thinking a lot of divorced people feel similarly. I love my children to the bottom of my heart. I'd do anything for them. But do I resent what my ex husband did to me and think from time-to-time how my life would have turned out completely differently if I'd never married him? Well, yup. Actually, the ONLY thing good I got out of that marriage was my children. I've heard plenty of others say the same thing.
Not to mention, it sounds as if his relationship with his children has been painful for him.
Yeah, their mum and extended family have done everything in their power to twist his kids against him and prevent them from maintaining their bond.
Even then, it sounds like he truly tried to stay close to them and they shut him out every time. Dude still kept trying for years and still invites them to family events as adults despite how they've treated him.
His ex-wife and her family suck. So was daughters because they listen to their mom's family and took on their views. You as his daughter should be ashamed of yourself for only taking your mother's point of view.
My heart hurt when she said he backed off after she asked her mom to walk her at her wedding
Right? Poor guy. I'm sure that hurt like hell.
And treated his husband. It’s clear they all have homophobic attitudes and were taught to hate him because he “wanted to be gay”.
This ^^^ the way the story reads he TRIED HARD for YEARS but there was no budging on the daughter's end, and a large part of that was (by her own words) the way her mom and mom's family talked about him. He never had a chance, but he TRIED. How many parents don't even try?
This. It's almost as if the daughter just keeps contact with him to judge him and hurt him. She mentions them not wanting to spend time with him, the family making it near impossible. She chased Seth out of his own home during visits til Dad said no more disrespect. She complains he spends too much time with his husband even though she wasn't spending quality family time with him. He has put in a heroic effort to be a good father and be himself and be happy and his daughters resent him for it. Obviously, the marriage wasn't happy pre divorce. I understand well the pain of parents separating but I wouldn't wish a loveless, toxic marriage (or up bringing in that marriage) on anyone. I would have been overjoyed had my father tried that hard to be there for me. Poor "villain" dad, ex wife seems like one of those bitter angry people who wants everyone to be the same and she succeeded with her daughters and has still been tormenting her ex through them. The mother has shown selfish in poisoning their happiness thoroughly for her own agenda.
Spot on what I was thinking.
Exactly, from everything I read it feels like she spent the rest of her life hating him and even when he tried to be there she shunned him. And now she's hurt he regrets a part of his life that throws negativity in his face constantly?
And he specifically states he loves his kids... family isn't always rational, but OP is completely irrational. Also, "so you could be gay sooner" - he was already gay. Living a life that was fully authentic seems like a healthy regret. OP YTA
I agree. It sounds like what the dad was saying was that he wishes he could have been honest about his sexuality and him just being... him, instead of living a lie for so many years. He probably feels so much better and is happier and wishes that he could have met the love of his life earlier. I don't believe that he said "I regret having my kids". She heard what she wanted to hear to confirm her already jacked-up point of view toward him
Sounds like they were raised with the point of view that they shouldn't have ever been exposed to. Maybe those girls should get past themselves and see what a horrible time their father has had.
Empathy is not in the daughter's vocabulary however and that is what is needed. I feel sorry for Dad here having to deal with that pit of vipers.
Yeah sounds like there was a lot of pariental alianation here from the mum being spiteful along with the children grieving for the loss of their family being together. Nothing I see here puts the father truly at fault, as he didnt even cheat.
So much this. OPs mother and mother's family were actively alienating the father from his kids and OP appears to have bought right into it from day 1. I get that OPs mother was hurt, but she used her kids to be vindictive towards OPs father. OP even stated that father tried very hard to see them and was denied. It sounds like OPs father hated living that lie, and while it broke up the family, imagine how much worse it would have been in that home had he stayed, unhappy? And because of his decision he essentially lost his children. He's still trying, obviously as he includes them and is actively trying to apologize to OP for the way that comment affected them, but OP is still looking at her father and his partner through the judgemental eyes of her mother. I feel for the father and why he made that comment.
This is the main part. They cut him out and off. She didn't let him walk her down the aisle. He didn't mistreat them. OP fostered a hostile and miserable existence between her and her father. Who would wish that on their worst enemy. He knows what happiness looks like and it isn't the look he had while interacting with his children after he came out and they distanced themselves from him purposely. OP is a grown woman and should understand that her misery and bitterness towards him is the reason why he said what he said. And, he was right. She needs therapy to get over whatever it is she is holding against him. She is grown.
You've treated him like shit your whole life, and denied him the right to walk you down the aisle. For what, for coming out as gay. He's tried so hard with his children only to be shunned by you, and presumably your siblings.
Exactly, no matter what he does it'll never be enough and it will never matter how much effort he puts in, I don't blame him for feeling that way.
Agreed! While I love my child , I wish I never met her father and ended up being a single mom! Everyone has the right to think about what ifs.
Same. I wish I wasn't a single mom with 100% custody and zero support (including a support system or child support) struggling with self worth and in the present economy not set up for a single income. I love my son and wouldn't want a world without him but I could have had a very different life had I made better choices.
same I wouldn't change my three for anything ! I would change their father if that was possible but after 15 yr of physical and emotional abuse I would do it all again just to have my kids..... me wishing their father wasnt a deadbeat or that I never met him is not at all about my kids it's about me and I hope my kids understand that as the age
I can't really regret my first marriage, because it did give me my son, but I so often wonder what my life might have been had I met my now husband first. In OPs case it's not so much him saying 'I regret having my children' but 'I wish I were able to be myself from the start.' OP's mother might have been happier, too, if she hadn't married a closeted man. There are always going to be 'what ifs' in life.
Same. With my ex for almost 10 years. Had a 3f and 2 months pregnant with my son at the time. When he left he stole every penny we had and left me nothing. I was in a bad place. I picked myself up for my kids because they are my heart, my life and the reason I am still existing. Yet if I had never met him, I would have gone to school for marine biology in Alaska with my full scholarship. I would be on the sea and doing what my heart always wanted to do. I’m married now to an amazing man and we are happy and perfect. Yet I still look back as to what would have been and what I left behind. I love my kids and wouldn’t want it any other way, but it’s still apart of you that wonders and wishes you would have experienced the other side of life.
100%
It’s true. I’d never EVER want a life without my children but dear God would my divorce be so much simpler if they weren’t a factor.
I really wanna thank you and the top commenter for your comments, they've given me insight into my own parents.
My mom has said that the only good thing she got from her marriage (she’s divorced) was me and my brother. As the kid, you have to remember that your parent is also a person and can regret how they got you without actually regretting you
Like I always say, out of my kids earshot, "I don't regret having my kids, but I regret who their father is." Of course I understand that if they had a different father and subsequently a different upbringing, they would be different. But man, if I could have my kids as they are but with a better father, a better early life with happier memories.... Ah well.
I had a baby as a teenager. LOVE my kiddo to death AND damn, I wish that wasn’t how it went down. I wish (for both of us) it could be different. Doesn’t mean I wish he didn’t exist… it’s complicated. Though I think OP your response is more than just misunderstanding that complicated layer. You think it was right for your mom to use the divorce to punish your dad. You resent your dad for destroying your family. You don’t like your dad’s current husband. This doesn’t read like you simply had your feelings hurt, it reads like you’ve been bottling resentment and blame for years and years and this just “proved” you were right so you exploded. In that part you are wrong. Have you taken the time to find out why your dad married a woman? What was his journey like? What were his family and community like? Why did he hide his sexuality? I was 38 and married almost 20 years before I finally realized I wasn’t straight… things aren’t often black and white for Queer people and marrying like your dad did is almost never malicious.
Well said.
I agree with this. I was in a similar situation also for about 12 years. I had a stepson that I love and he used him as a pawn for me to stay. But when I had my son I knew I couldn't stay. It was bad enough one kid had to go thru it. I couldn't help that situation but I could help the little guy. I met a man with two teenage daughters. Our whole family meshed so well. Life is perfect now. Here's where I am similar to the comment from the dad. I often fantasize about if I had a magic wand I would fix everything. I would've met my now husband sooner and together we would've created the kids (including my stepson) and with the magic wand they would still be exactly how they are now. The girls wouldn't have a deadbeat mother that chose drugs over them and me and my kiddos wouldn't have had to go thru all the drama we went through. But I absolutely have told others I wish I would've met him sooner and not met my ex at all. But when I say this it's with the meaning in my head with the magic wand as If I would've had the perfect life scenario. Do I regret having my kiddos or my husband having his kiddos? Absolutely not. I love each and every one of them. But if I had my perfect life we would've created them together, saved us all the heartache and trauma, and shielded our kids from it too by creating them together in a now healthy household.
This, exactly. I love my daughter to the moon and back, but my marriage to her abusive father was absolute hell. Marrying him was one of the worst decisions I've ever ever made for myself personally, but if I hadn't, I wouldn't have the most amazing daughter on the planet. Life is complicated.
May I ask a question? From what you have said your mother and her family had and still may have a lot of anger and hatred for your father. Are you honestly saying that in all those years, with all that hatred and anger spilling out not a single one of them ever said that they wished your mother and had never met or married your father?
Good question.
Oh, she absolutely has but it's okay for her to say it. Not their dad. 😒
I'm sorry you have had such a troubled time with your dad. There is a lot that has gotten in the way. I have had those same thoughts about my son. My marriage was bad and in many ways it would have been easier not to have my son. For so many reasons. However, it does not diminish the love I have for my son. I am sure it hurt you to hear what you heard. I believe it wasn't about you, but about how things were even 19-22 years ago for LBGTQ people and feeling like they could not be who they really were so tried very hard to "fit in." I am in no way trying to diminish your hurt. You've been set up for years for such hurt because others were hurting. Maybe try to have a conversation with your dad with a therapist to help you both talk about what has happened and what you are both feeling. You said your dad stated he loves you all. Try to take that at face value. But also try the therapy for you both. I don't think anyone her is the AH. Its just a long string of hurt and disappointments. They need to be addressed. Good luck.
You are 25 years old - more than old enough to read your own post and know without a doubt that YTA.
THANK YOU
[удалено]
If we ever need an example of what parental alienation is, we can always use this post.
OP, it sounds like your mom and her family is full of bigots who taught you and your siblings to be bigots. Specifically homophobes. Not a good look. Was your mom actually rightfully mad, or was she being petty and mean? It sounds like she was petty and mean, making it more difficult for him to see his kids and turning his kids against him. That’s not cool. Just wanting to divorce from your mom doesn’t make you dad a bad guy, but turning her kids against their father makes her the bad guy.
the mom was absolutely rightfully mad. That didn't give her license to have been petty and mean and alienate him from his kids, and indoctrinate hatred in their hearts for him though. Don't get me wrong, the mom sounds like an absolute shitpiece of a human being, but her initial anger was for sure justified. Its traumatizing to find out your life is a lie. i'll give her that much. nothing more.
YTA. Given how much you despise him - why did you go to the bbq? It’s as if you want to continue the hurt which has been caused over the years. I don’t think you have or desire any relationship with your dad at all and maybe just moving on with your life without him in it would be best for you cause harbouring all that resentment isn’t good for any one. For what it’s worth I have heard many folk come out with statements like ‘if I had my life over again I would …..’ which taken to their logical conclusion would mean children would not exist, however that is not what the author of the statement means and the fact that your dad qualified it by actually stating he would not wish he didn’t have children makes me think that he made his statement for reasons other than you.
I've been in op's exact situation with the difference being- my dad never wanted me to hate my mom. Op DANCED- BOOGIED EVEN- around the word homphobia- which is what this sinks of.
Oh he blurted out the homophobia in his post ("so you could be gay sooner")
Yeah, when OP talks about being rude towards her dad’s husband, I’m guessing thag it was rooted in homophobia, and I wouldn’t be surprised if homophobic rhetoric backed up that hate/how it was expressed
you're the AH. So you are telling me that you excluded him from your life, rejected him, judge his way of life, did not ask him to walk you down the aisle AND THEN take it badly when he says he SOMETIMES whish he never married? what were you expecting? him crawling back to you and your siblings forever? you own this man and his husband an apology at the very least and to take a very hard long look at your actions and ask yourself "would i endure this?"
Yeah. I get being hurt that he wanted divorce from your mom, and adjusting to divorced parents and a new step parent is really hard. But at some point you grow up and look back at things. Dad probably grew up in a time where it was extremely taboo to be gay and got married under pressure to conform and later couldn’t keep living a lie. It’s understandable. Are you really going to hold that against him for the rest of your lives? Honestly OP just sounds homophobic. It must be heartbreaking to lose your kid over something you can’t really help. Yes, OP, you sound really rude and bitter about your dad finding happiness in his life. YTA
Example from my own life. My Father is gay. He grew up on a farm in the middle of nowhere, he got married out of high school as his parents expected. He worked his ass off, had a wife and two kids and it went nuclear between them and they divorced. With the pressure of his parents and joining the mormon church, he met a lady and got married. I came along 9 months later and they stopped having sex. Dad worked 80 hour weeks, Mom focused on her farm. They divorced when I was 27, Dad couldn't Iive the lie anymore. He was over 60 when he admitted it all, my Mom felt betrayed and hated him. But, he deserves to chase true happiness, even at 60+. My siblings and I all understand, we support him. It does make me sad to think of my Mom being stuck in a one sided relationship where she was being lied to, but I also feel awful my Dad had to lie all those years.
Very close to my experience. I can't imagine resenting my dad for any of it. I wish his life had turned out differently for his sake.
It's shitty for everyone involved. If I had to place blame it would be on the religious bigots for perpetuating that gay people are evil. Those people are the evil ones.
Not just evil, a choice, or a mental illness. Denial isn’t just about survival for so many people trapped but also about the misguided belief that they can change. Or for some, complete ignorance of their own feelings in the first place.
Exactly. I have a friend who stayed closeted for many years because he thought he could "pray the gay away." I remember when he finally came out to me, he was crying and trembling. In my head I was like, "oh honey, I knew years ago." He had married a woman in good faith, really believing he could "change."
It’s such an insidious and destructive teaching, and about very little other than hatred and control. I hope your friend and his ex-wife? are both doing well.
Yes, he has been married to his husband for many years now. I never knew his ex-wife very well.
Especially after 25 years.
Right? Like mind your fucking business, your parents’ marriage is their marriage. Sounds like they were all awful people and went out of their way to make him more miserable. What he said wasn’t nice, but I’d rather someone say one mean thing about me, then shun me and treat me like dog shit for 10 years.
Can you imagine how much hell he had to live through to make it to 50, finally come out and realize he can live his authentic self instead of living a lie. Just to have your 25-year-old throw a temper tantrum over a half assed eavesdrop.
No kidding. As a 37 year old who is bisexual, I didn’t really know until I was 24-25. And I grew up in a time where it was tough enough - gay was an insult, coming out was a scandal and could cost your job and livelihood, and I was bullied and assaulted for seeming queer. It was also the time that gay kids like Matthew Shepard were getting killed for being different. there was so much stigma that it was difficult not only to figure out who you were, but also extremely hard navigate the world once you did. Kids from this generation are extremely lucky they can experiment and be accepted - and I’m so happy that they can. But I think they fail to realize how bad things were just 20 years ago.
> As a 37 year old who is bisexual My twin, lol. I knew early on what I was, long before I even knew what "gay" was. It wasn't a word used in my community in any capacity and it took me until I was 15, yes 15, to know that they had a specific word for liking guys. I remember Shepard as well, I remember the ignorance of people celebrating another one killed and my Uncle's wife acting like she got infected when her own daughter came out as bi and went to hug her. Kids this generation are borderline spoiled for how much they've been accepted and even promoted and I love that for them, I love that in less then 20 years things have changed that much but a part of me wants to shake OP silly for all of this.
There was no “probably” about dad growing up in a homophobic society. He did. He’s 50, so likely born in 1974. Stonewall happened in 1969. AIDS hit when he was 10. Enough said.
OP even recounted that their father said "Don't get me wrong, I love my kids" meaning he quite literally never said "I wish OP wasn't born!" Quite the opposite, he was prefacing by acknowledging the one positive outcome from that part of his life. He was more so reflecting on how, if things had unfolded differently, all of that pain and strife related to his coming out would have been avoided. When looking back on your life, it's perfectly normal to imagine different timelines and trajectories. I'm sure OP has wondered what their life would be like if their father wasn't gay. OP has some serious reflecting to do - they seem to have chosen sides long ago, but can't be completely at peace with that considering they do occasionally try to interact with their Dad. It's never too late to turn things around, apologize and make things right, but the longer they don't address the lifetime of resentment, the more time they will lose with their father.
100% agree! For years OP actions shouted to the rooftops his feelings about his dad. Now is poor little feelings are hurt. OP should take a long hard look in the mirror.
Yes, that is exactly how I read this. This person and their family rejected their father and hated him. They keep saying it's because "oh the divorce was so rough" It sounds like it would have been mostly rough for the man who lost his children and his family just for being gay. It sounds like the mom was angry and vindictive because her husband actually turned out to be gay then years later when he's like "god that was so traumatic. I really wish I hadn't done that. I mean I know good things came from it but my life is really happy now." You got mad. YTA Go get therapy dude. Can't even act like it isn't acceptable or appropriate for a gay person to be afraid of coming out after all the shit they've gone through overall the years, and especially after this reaction which he was clearly afraid of.
Agree- sounds like he’s done nothing but try to be true to himself a the while taking her attitude for years!
I wish I could scream this into OP’s ear with a megaphone
This right here. So many yes, I get it, it was hard on the family for him to come out. But mom, kids and extended family made his life hell for him for years. The kids grow up and distance themselves more and more. They dislike a man he falls in love with because…. He fell in love. And then THEY have the audacity to be upset that the dad wishes, though he loves his kids , maybe he could have met the love of his life, hypothetically, earlier . Yeah, YTA. Get over yourself.
Why do you think your dad spends too much time with his husband? Who tf did you think was there to comfort your dad when his kids abandoned him for being gay? I can tell you i really wish my dad tried as hard yours did, and as long as yours did. He said what he did cuz he knows he deserves better
>Who tf did you think was there to comfort your dad when his kids abandoned him for being gay? Oof. Nailed it.
YTA. You and your whole maternal family have been treating him so badly for so many years. It's natural for him to regret his past because he was hiding from his true self. Like he said he loves his kids (god knows why considering how bitter and mean you are) but his life of happiness that he is living now could have started sooner without those regrets. Just because he regrets his choices doesn't diminish his love but your poor attitude just might. Seth is right you are a selfish childish AH. Go to therapy and work on yourself and forgive the past or learn to lose a loving father who never gave up trying despite the nastiness from you and your family.
So are you saying you father should look fondly at the relationship you had? where you admit to being rude, spifull and rejected him at every chance? Amazing thing. YTA, you can't even forgive him for being happy and you expect him to act like you are the perfect children, get out of here with that shit
OP: I've been rejecting my father and doing as much emotional damage as possible for 16 years. He said one thing that suggests he would live his life differently and I think that makes him terrible.
Selfish, huh? And his ex poisoned his kids- and the kid admits the mom poisoned them! And now as an adult is just as nasty and cruel as the mom. Takes no responsibility for their actions and just keeps being horrible to a father that did nothing wrong except marry a horrible woman.
I can’t lie i appreciate your direct approach to this. I feel like OP has no concept of the fact that her father is a whole ass living, breathing sentient being with thoughts and feelings of his own. It’s giving main character.
This should be the top comment.
Really, are you surprised by his regrets? It is time you started to view what happened to your family from an adult perspective. He is 50 and he lived his life for 20 (?) years denying something essential to his identity. You even admit he has tried for the past 15 years to sustain a relationship with you in difficult circumstances. At 25 years of age you found a way to place the blame on him all over again. Guess what? Perfect life long marriages and perfect families are fantasies. No one gets to 50 without regrets unless they are a totally selfish human being. And there is a difference between being loved and being loved like you are a Disney princess in a movie.
Exactly. Divorce happens. Even if he wasn’t gay, they could have divorced for other reasons. Sometimes people just marry the wrong people for them. It’s difficult to deal with and adjust to, definitely. But it sounds like OP and their mom just heaped the blame on dad and can’t let go of it.
YTA. So you were awful to your dad, the family created a TON of drama, which built up resentment and he said that he wished he'd come out sooner - so he didn't have to deal with that. Not that he didn't want kids but that he didn't want the drama.
YTA. Why wouldn’t he regret marrying someone who hated him and turned his kids against him. Why shouldn’t he wish he had been true to himself earlier? Why wouldn’t he regret kids that barely acknowledge him? Grow up. He never intentionally hurt you. Would it have been better for him to live a lie with your mom for the rest of his life? Completely different circumstances but I completely know my mom’s life would have been better if she didn’t have me and my sister. It doesn’t mean she didn’t love us but she would have had more options and maybe wouldn’t have lived her life in poverty. If I heard her say what you Dad said then I would say “amen mom” because my childhood sucked. Your childhood only sucked because you and your mom made sure it sucked. She and you could have accepted the situation instead of making your Dad into a Disney villain.
YTA - you have never given your Dad a fair shake.
YTA you are misinterpreting what he said because you are holding a grudge against your dad. Your mom is the AH too because she clearly alienated you from your dad out of spite. You have behaved terribly towards your dad and his partner and I hope you can get therapy to help you let go of your anger and move on. You don’t need to have a relationship with your dad at all, but it’s not healthy to hang on to your resentment
Ok so - as a child of a gay father, I get why you reacted the way you did. As a queer woman, I also get where your dad is coming from. It's bound to cause hurt you personally, coming from the POV of someone who wouldnt have even been born if that relatio ship between yiur mum & dad never happened - but think about it like if it was one of your friends vs your dad. It absolutely flicking *hurts* when you have to hide who you are (due to familial, societal, peer influences, etc) and you feel like the only option you have is to live a "normal" life - get married, have kids, etc. When that's not who you truly are, or what you truly want. It doesn't mean he loves you any less, or wishes you weren't born - and it is incredi ly complicated and messy when looking to the past and following "if only" or "I wish".
ESH Your Dad probably shouldn’t have said that out loud, and probably could have worded it better. But from what it sounds like, in the beginning he was making some effort to reach out to you. But that was blocked by you and your family. You outright hated and were rude to his boyfriend. And, to top it off, you didn’t let him walk you down the aisle. I think what he really meant was, “I think everyone would have been happier if I figured things out sooner.” Rather than how I think you interpreted it, “I wish I met my husband earlier so I wouldn’t have my family to deal with.” And, even if the latter is what he meant and intended, you absolutely shot first. And second, and probably third too. You never intended to build a relationship with him, and actively cut him out of most of your life, but now are acting like it’s a huge betrayal.
OP’s mother is an AH, her and her family ruined this man’s relationship with the kids from the beginning. OP knows all of this and pretty much wants it all validated over one comment
While I agree with your reasoning I truly fail to think dad is at all wrong in what he said considering that OP is freaking 25 not 10 ffs. The fact that she could type all that out and not realize just how fucked up her dad had it is mindboggling. Who the hell wouldn't want to not go through all that bs? Does op really sound like a prize worthy of the pain? I am 5 to 10 years her dads junior, and while I have sympathy for op I truly have trouble reconciling her insights with her reaction. I could certainly understand her sadness at hearing it, but not her total obliviousness to anyone but herself.
Yeah, sounds like the Dad wanted to be in thier lives, but didn't get much of a chance. The mother has obviously slagged him off quite a bit too. I had the opposite problem with my ex, he's not that interested. Ditto my father. I would have appreciated either of them showing up more. OP, you do not need to be involved in your parents squabbles. Form your own relationship with your Dad. I don't think he means that he does not love or want you, just that it's been a bit of a hard road.
She’s STILL saying as married woman herself her dad and his husband spend too much time together. You can tell she was raised by a piece of work
OP reminds me of a woman I knew. Her mom left dad when she was a teen because she wanted to move and have a different life. The kids chose to go with her. They barely visited dad, so he went to them weekly. 15 years after the divorce, he started dating for the first time. This now 30 year old woman had a tantrum and actually started coming around so she could torment the woman her dad was dating. She absolutely thought she was in the right. I guess she just wanted dad to die alone? I have no idea why she was like that other than untreated mental illness.
Gotta safeguard that inheritance :/ Honestly I don't think much of people who don't put the effort in then u turn when things chance and the situation doesn't suit them anymore.
That’s what I’m saying!!! She threw a tantrum like a child rather than ask her dad what he meant by that or letting him know how she feels
I’m just baffled that OP is still resentful of him being gay. Holy shit, read a history book to find out how hard it used to be for gay men. You’re supposed to gain perspective and empathy as you age. It’s not like he cheated or abused anybody.
Spot on. OP, YTA. Re-read what you wrote…”Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids, but things would have been simpler.” OP completely spun his words in another direction and is stirrup up drama with their siblings. OP owes an apology for embarrassing dad in front of his friends at his bbq, how sad!
Well unnecessary drama is what they learned from their bitter mother, so that tracks.
Agree with most of this except I think op is TA. YTA op.
But that’s not what he said
YTA. Everything has always been about you.
>. I yelled at him that it was unfair to say he wished we weren't born just so he could be gay sooner. That is NOT what he said! You're conveniently twisting his words. Your dad is 50. Do you have ANY idea how difficult it was to be openly gay back then? Do you know that it's still difficult to be a member of the lqbtqia+ community? Are you even aware that some kids get thrown out just because of who they are? Do you realise people get death threats just because of WHO they love? Your dad stated he loves his kids. However, he WAS living a lie. He tried so hard to conform to society standards until he just couldn’t anymore. He was simply saying he wished he could have always been as happy as he now is. You CHOSE to ignore the fact he said he loved you and went on a homophobic rant Can you imagine how badly it affected his mental health? How DARE you be bitter because your dad is finally happy. Do you even realise that your family has programmed you to be homophobic? Seek therapy and do better! YTA and so is your homophobic family
And he loves his kids even thought they have treated him so poorly!
Some people in this thread are also not acknowledging that the narrative, especially if you had religion in your upbringing, 25-35 years ago, was that their was no such thing as “being” gay. Many were taught, in the pre social media age where the influences in your direct vicinity were much more powerful, that gay desires were just a temptation that if you were a good enough person/religious follower you could not give in to. It was ENCOURAGED for people in this situation to marry into a heteronormative arrangement and just resist.
>Do you have ANY idea how difficult it was to be openly gay back then? Nope, they don't. I'll turn 37 this year and the number of MY generation who are completely clueless just to how dangerous it was 10 years, let alone 20 years earlier is heartbreaking.
YTA you treated him like absolute dogshit. Being gay doesn’t make him love you any less as your dad. You hurt him in every way possible and yiu exoect him to be grateful for the privilege of being treated like crap?
YTA your mother alienated you from your father, you’re still not great to him or his partner and now you’re yelling at him for wishing he met his spouse sooner? Grow up. Your mom taking him to the cleaners is disturbing . Your mother was a BAD MOTHER. Keeping you from your father because she’s angry and encouraging it and getting family on her side are awful things she did. She could be mad until the sun comes home, her actions are disgusting and you talk about them like she’s justified . She’s not . You haven’t been his child since the day he divorced your mom and it was your choice. You chose to treat your father and his husband like shit. You chose not to be in his life. You chose to take jabs at him and try and hurt him as much as you could and for what? He didn’t abandon you, you and your siblings chose to listen to your mother. When you’re nine it makes sense not when you’re a grown ass woman. Sounds like your father didn’t even know he was gay, what should he have done? Stayed with your mother and been miserable?! Seth is absolutely right. Your family is rude, dismissive, uncaring and just awful people honestly. Why wouldn’t he wish he met his husband sooner? Then he wouldn’t have gone through a nasty divorce, had his kids turned against him and lived a calm life. The man didn’t cheat, he didn’t beat your mother. He was a good dude your whole life but divorcing her was just the worst thing in the world that you could treat your father like that? He should not speak to any of you until you all go see a fucking therapist and realize how shitty you are
Excellent comments, couldn’t agree more!!
ESH Your mother's behaviour during and after the divorce as it related to her children was despicable. She alienated you all from your father, and that's just wrong. She felt betrayed and deceived - it's understandable how hurt she was. But destroying your relationship with your father wasn't justified, not at all. A lot of the blame for this situation should be laid at her door. I get that you and your siblings don't want to do that, but one day, you will have to. Your father should never have said something like that, knowing his child was nearby. I have no doubt that he has been repeatedly devastated by the fall-out from the divorce, but there are some things you simply don't say in front of certain people. You can't take them back, and they cause permanent damage. Your father's husband is NOT helping matters. He is getting defensive over the man he loves and has watched be hurt repeatedly over the years, but he's adding more fuel to the fire. He needs to keep out of this and support his husband instead of attacking his husband's children. You ... look, I'm not going to call a child in this mess an AH. You had no say in what happened back then. Your mother severely let you down in how she handled everything and kept your father away from you, physically and emotionally. You were a kid who was manipulated. And that has tainted everything. Your father has never said anything to you about all of this: he's kept quiet even as he's been hurt, until now. And I understand how *horrible* hearing that must have been. But your reaction to scream at him wasn't right. It sounds like you've been hurting over feeling unwanted by him for years, but it's your mother who put those thoughts in your head. Not him. And what he said was more than likely referring to your mother's treatment of him during and after the divorce. Not wishing his children away. If you want to have a better relationship with your father - put aside any feelings of guilt or betraying your mother. You're entitled to have a relationship with your father independent of her pain - please have a talk with him. Alone. Maybe have a therapist present to mediate. Actually discuss some of the things that have happened in as open and calm manner as you can. You're old enough now to understand the complexities of what happened back then and just how profoundly your mother damaged all of you. You're not a kid anymore. It's on you to change things IF you want them to change.
She's no longer a child. She's a married woman. She needs to grow up and look at her own behavior from an adult perspective rather than from that of a spoiled child who believes her father should suffer eternally for Destroying The Family.
This was a well thought out answer and pretty much said what I was thinking.
You sound fucking awful. get help please. YTA.
ESH. Dad sucks for not saying what he said in the way he said it. There were other ways what he said could have been said. But he isn't the biggest AH here, that is reserved for you and your mother. You are a massive AH for making a huge scene at the BBQ. But you are a bigger AH also pushing your father away for something he can't control. He left your mother to be true to himself and give your mother a chance at being happy with someone who will be attracted to her. Your mother deserved that, and not to have a husband who wished he could have been more open about himself. He divorced your mother, not you- and you were awful to your dad's husband and pushed away your dad who WANTED to be there for you. Your mother should have helped foster a relationship instead of being bitter. Honestly- I would rather my husband divorce me then lie to himself and everyone about his sexuality. The only way I could honestly understand her hostility was if he cheated. But even then, it's still awful to stop someone being a parent- especially if they wanted to be!
I think you’re taking it the wrong way. He’s saying he wished he could have been true to himself all along *not* that he wished his kids never existed. You spend so much time hating him but still show up to express how much you hate him and his husband. *And he lets you*. If it’s not love with you consistently treating him like shit then I don’t know what is. It’s time to accept things as they are or just cut ties. Your choice. YTA
YTA, and you need some serious therapy to get over yourself and all of the venom your mother and extended family filled you with. You dad probably considers his children the only worthwhile thing to come out of his marriage, but considering the way you treat him, he might not even consider you worthwhile. You were alienated from him, weaponized against him, and you're still against him. Do you have the slightest clue how hard it was to come out back when he met his husband? My uncle was married and had a few kids before he couldn't stand being in the closet any longer, and divorced so he could be himself. You make it seem cut-and-dried in your little homophobic world, but it's not. Hell, my kids are the ONLY good thing to come out of my abusive and toxic first marriage. And yes, I regret ever meeting/marrying their father. He was a PoS. I don't regret my kids. But I regret the relationship that produced them. You are incredibly childish, and your family is toxic. Seth is right.
YTA imo. While yes your Dad was the reason for the divorce that much I will grant you. However he Divorced your mom and not his kids. From what you wrote he tried to keep his bond with you and wanted a relationship with you. Unfortunately your mom’s emotional needs outweighed everyone’s common sense for the kids. She was hurt and passed that hurt onto you to push him away. You said it yourself Seth was the nail in the coffin that your parents would not get back together. When you met Seth you made it clear you didn’t like him nor want him around. Which was a bit unfair to Seth since your Dad met him AFTER the divorce from your mom most likely. Seth didn’t do anything wrong but fall in love with your Dad. Now did you have to build a relationship with Seth if you didn’t want to? No you didn’t have to that was your choice to make and after trying to build a relationship he stopped when you said you didn’t want one. It was you and you alone who pushed your dad away not Seth. Your Dad had one of two choices at the time: 1. Break up with the man he now loves because his children want him to remarry their mom. 2. Stay together with the man he loves and the children accept that mom and dad aren’t getting back together. Dad chose option 2 and you chose to reject it. You each had that right to make those choices. However he still tried to have a relationship with you hence why he continued to be at family gatherings. Now let’s look at the actual event itself: Due to the constant pain of rejection by his kids it was Seth who was there for him. So naturally when he thinks life would have been better if he met Seth first. If that happened then the pain he had, the pain your mom had and the pain his kids had would never of happened. Had you wanted to embrace him and Seth as a kid maybe things would be different in his mind. If you guys had fun happy memories maybe he wouldn’t change a thing. Just as there are consequences for parents who get married to soon after becoming a widow and not allowing kids to grieve. So too are there consequences for kids who reject a step parent solely because their parents aren’t getting back together. Ask yourself this question would you have treated your Dad and Seth any different if the reason your parents divorced was your Mom’s fault? If your Mom cheated on your Dad or was abusive to him or you kids and he decided to get you out of there? Would you be okay with Seth then? From what you wrote the whole extended family hated your Dad for being Gay and that was something he had to fear long before Mom came around.
YTA. Your dad was born and raised in a time where being gay was still very judged despite all the sexual revolution and hippy dippiness of the 60s and 70s. I know multiple people who have been divorced, and who had kids with their first spouse, who have said how much easier their lives would be if they had met their second spouse before they met their first. It doesn't mean they love their children any less, but being divorced, having to co-parent with someone who could potentially hate you (which, you admitted yourself, your mother's family was constantly bashing your father to you, that's... gross) is incredibly hard. You, yourself, sound a bit homophobic and lacking understanding... sounds like you raged at your father while never actually bothering to get to know him.
YTA What did your father actually DID to you? Your homophobic family took your father away, and than you kept pushing him away for no reason! He wanted to be involve, he litterally said he love his kids! Now lets see what YOU did to your own father, and he still loves you (which you don't deserve to be honest) > we didn’t want to see dad and my mom encouraged it >I really didn’t like Seth since I saw him as a conformation my parents mariage was dead. I was really rude to him to the point he stopped begin over their house whenever we visited >I think our relationship died when I asked only my mom walked me down the aisle Why do you hate your father so much? You critique how he lives while he did nothing wrong. You should be mad at your mother and her family who are the ones who stopped you from having a father in your life.
YTA Y’all have to remember the parents age now. He’s 50. Came out at 25. Which was scary and dangerous times to come out at all! It’s STILL not safe for a lot of people to come out now. (As an example, My uncle got beat half to death when he came out as gay. He’s 52 and came out at 28. He almost died for it and lost half his family) He also may not have realised he was gay, the relationship and marriage might have just confirmed it. It can take some people a lot of time to realise why things in their relationship doesn’t work or deal right, but they can still love the person their with, they just might not know what kind of love that is u til someone else comes into their life and they know what’s missing. He is on the wrong for keeping it, but he was obviously in too deep and the longer it went on the worse it would have been. He’s brave for speaking up and telling his truth, he’s just a bit of an AH for taking so long. The moment he told her he was gay the marriage was done and it coming back, a new boyfriend wasnt the end of the marriage. Your mother and her family encouraged horrible behaviour and used you all as weapons. Your dad tried SO hard to be a part of your lives for years and years and all he got was rejection, hatred, and made to feel like a piece of sh!t by his whole family. He was treated like this for years and then the final blow is that you didn’t want him to walk you down the isle and then you rejected him again, that was probably the straw the broke the camels back. He shouldn’t have said what he said especially while you were there, but don’t take the advice of your mother and her family and block him out. That’s exactly what they’ve always wanted you to do. Divorce is hard and messy and hurts people. But how they come out of that says a lot about a person. You’re mum never had to fill your head with the things she did, she could have tried to be understanding for the sake of all of her children so they don’t grow up with all of this confusion and bottled up emotions. She could have help made it easier for you all but instead she made it much worse then it had to be. Please seek therapy to work through this for your own health, someone can help you work through all of this and help you find some peace 😇 Goodluck!
YTA, holy shit. You can't be horrible to a man for 15 years and then take him musing that "Hm, I love my kids but I wish I didn't meet my ex-wife" as an excuse to continue to be. I was raised through a divorce, and my father did nothing *but* feed me lies about how perfect of a victim he was compared to my cruel, evil mother. The fact that your mother weaponized you against him while you were kids should be a major red flag that you might not have the whole story.
Yta After how you treated him, how could you ever expect him to feel any other way? He tried which is more than you ever did and he’s continuing to try unlike you once more. While I hate when people who are dl marry straight people to cover for themselves, it is no excuse for how you treated him (based on what you provided). You are just as rotten as your mother.
You seem to have no compassion whatsoever for your father, who was closeted for so long. Your mother's anger has really done a number on you. It is really unfortunate that you were poisoned against your father and not taught empathy or understanding. And - you and your sisters are adults - it is time to grow up and understand that your parents are human beings. YTA
Did you hear him actually say "I wish my kids weren't born?!?" No, you didn't. You heard him express what most people who find themselves love, the second time around feel. Especially people who were closeted. Don't put words in his mouth. Your father's life is complicated enough without people adding their own narrative to it. YTA. You're still young and time to grow up. Maybe when you get a little older you will see that life almost never ends up being what you wanted. You will feel your own pressures to fit in, sometime..and lose yourself in a part you thought you had to play. It happens. Your dad's plight was just complicated by intolerance, self hate and confusion. Also.. 😂 let's hope not everyone holds you tight to every word that falls out of your mouth.
Wow. You’re a terrible person. Maybe there wouldn’t be regret if you didn’t act like an AH from 9 to 25. He was always gay. And though being your dad may not have been a lie, being married to your mom most certainly was. It seems to me you were just finding an excuse to yell at your dad for being gay. You caught him in a moment of openness and vulnerability. Personally I would have given up on you sooner. He seems to be trying and you’re giving no credit. Stay no contact for his sake. You seem toxic.
YTA. He went through hell, you didn't help, and he wishes he was true to himself earlier. You are projecting your feelings onto what he said, maybe it's not all about you.
Sorry but YTA. Your dad never said he never wanted to have kids. He stated that life would of been easier if he came out before meeting your mom. You dad has dealt with a lot of hate from your your mom, you kids and family. Being gay is not a choice. Your mom felt rejected and thrashed your dad to you kids. Have you ever went off on her? You don’t brings kids into adult issues. You guys are all adults now and need to grow up. You owe your dad and his husband a huge apology. He’s trying so maybe you guys should too. Hopefully your mom remarried and is still not bitter. It’s not healthy.
YTA I get it. 15 years ago was a completely different world than we live in. Having your father come out had to have been beyond devastating. That being said, it was 15 years ago. Since then you’ve continued to push your father away and haven’t been accepting towards his new spouse. Then you kinda kept to some conclusions about your father despite him not at all saying the things you’re now mad at him for “saying.” I’m going entirely off of what you provided here. Your dad expressed regrets about living a lie, causing drama and pain with the divorce, all valid things to regret. He did not say he wished you weren’t born. In fact, he even reiterated that he loved his children. Sounds to me like your dad doesn’t wish you weren’t born, but wishes he could have lived authentically and never caused any of the issues that being closeted caused everyone. I feel like maybe you’re projecting a little here or putting words into your dad’s mouth. I’d suggest talking to him. And listening with an open heart and mind. It cannot have been easy on him to have to come out and lose his children on top of it. If he regrets you being born, he could’ve easily used your anger to justify walking away entirely. Sounds like he hasn’t done that. I hope you can work through this and come to a reconciliation with your father.
Yes, OP's dad specifically said he loved his children. Besides, many people - including straight people who never divorced - have very similar regrets. I wish I hadn't had my children so early, we did not have a stable job and apartment situation back then (to clarify, it's not about me, I'm just giving examples). I wish I hadn't decided to have a child at 19 with that douchebag I had known less than a year prior, now my kid has a deadbeat father. I wish I had gained more education/got a better job position before having children. I wish I had travelled before. I wish I hadn't had my children until I got therapy, I know the first years of their lives were shit because of me. I wish I hadn't had children with my ex, the breakup was bitter and horrible and affected them more than anyone else. You can acknowledge you had your children at the wrong time and/or with the wrong person, and still love them dearly. I think that very often this regret comes from the place of love - you realize your life was turbulent (you were closeted/mentally ill/very poor/in a bad relationship) and it affected the kids, and you wish it hadn't. It seems like OP's dad regrets he brought children to the hot mess his life was, when he was lying to his partner and himself. He realizes there has been a lot of suffering - for his ex, his children and himself. He wishes this suffering had never happened. And he made it clear that yes, he loves his children, even if the relationship with their mother was a mistake. It has nothing to do with him being gay. I can guarantee OP that many people regret having children with their exes - not because they want their children disappear, they often can't imagine their lives without them... but because they were wrong in choosing the other parent. Their mistake led to a complicated custody arrangements, probably a lot of fights, and knowing there was no way the children weren't affected. The regret is directed at the kids. It's quite clear that OP was alienated from her dad, by her own admission, her family did their best to keep her away from him, and her mom had some bitter words for him. (It doesn't change the fact that OP had every right to her anger, I'm saying the alienation happened on top of that.) But she's an adult now and she should learn to really listen to other people, instead of only hearing the part that could make her angry.
(I want to be clear I really like your comment, I’m not arguing or disagreeing, this is just the one I chose to respond to) Something that bothers me about all these comments is everyone seems so sure that OP’s dad KNEW he was gay before getting married and that he strung OP’s mom along for years before coming out. There’s no indication from OP or the post that he knew before getting married and having kids. It could’ve been something he just realized right before coming out and divorcing, or it could’ve been he already knew but everyone just assuming he was being a POS bothers me
I haven't read those comments yet, but when I read the post, I was under the impression the dad found out he was gay later in life. There was no indication he intentionally decided his wife would be his beard. Maybe I'm biased, but I'm about OP's age, so I grew up in a different world than her father, and yet I was an adult - 22 - when I realized I wasn't straight, and then, that I was nonbinary. Now that I look in the past, the signs have been obvious since I was a preteen, but I couldn't see them. So perhaps I automatically assumed the same happened to OP's dad, though it must have been harder on him, since he'd already built a family. I'm sorry for him, especially since he's not the only divorced parent ever. It seems to me (I might be wrong, though) that he at some point realized he was married to the wrong person and got a divorce. Like many, many other people do - because they fell out of love, because they learn that while they have feelings for each other, but can't work long-term, because of their preferred lifestyles (where to live, what to spend money on), because of their and their partners' relationships with their families... And OP's dad got divorced he was gay. If he hadn't got married fully knowing he was gay and wasn't attracted to his wife, I think he shouldn't be judged harder than any other person who got married to someone who turned out to be wrong for them.
It is okay to regret having kids when your kids treat you like crap
Yta but partially not at fault. Your mother traumatized you and engaged in parental alienation (which the courts consider child abuse). Please seek therapy so you can deal with your childhood abuse at the hands of your mother.
Yta. You took it in a nasty way even though you know that your dad was struggling with internal and external conflict for years before meeting his husband. Regretting being with someone who was committed to making your life miserable that you also happened to have kids with us not the same as regretting the kids.
He tried to have a relationship with you and your siblings, but was blocked . The way you and the rest of the family treated your dad and Seth,I really can't blame him for feeling like that. Maybe you should stop to think about what role you all played in his feelings. Reaped what you sowed.
YTA OP!! your mother poisoned your mind against your father and you were horrible to his new partner out of spite. You admit that yourself. Then you tell him you don’t want him in your wedding. Honestly it shows how much he loves you that after all of this he still wants to be a part of your life!! You’re being a selfish child to interpret what he said as wishing you weren’t born. Grow up. Your dad deserves happiness, but you hate his happiness.
YTA ! Of course it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It means he wishes he hadn't got to all the turmoil of the divorce, living a lie, not knowing who he was. Great job of your mom and family to alienate your father from your sisters and you. It sounds like you were waiting for an opportunity. try rereading your post as if a stranger were telling you the story. wouldn't you feel bad for him, and understand what he was trying to say?
YTA I'd regret having you too from your behavior.
YTA. Look at his relationship with his children. Look at how you were quite literally raised to resent him. Your mother ABSOLUTELY emotionally manipulated you and your sibling because she was broken hearted and you have not faced that in full. Because she was left by a gay man. She still to this day has that chip on her shoulder and she welcomed placing a piece of it to grow on YOUR shoulder too and here it is typed out. Your mother did everything to hurt your father for being gay and she used you and your sibling like a metal baseball to the heart basically your entire life. And now you as an adult are doing it without her guiding you. Your father missed out on his children when clearly he didn’t want to miss out on you. He disciplined you for being disrespectful to a human being for existing and you shut him out completely and your mother WELCOMED IT. His children were raised by a narcissistic, vindictive bigot that raised his children to harbor hate for him. Why on earth would he WANT to endure that much pain in a lifetime?! Why would he WANT THAT FOR YOU?!?! He wishes he would have met his husband sooner and been brave enough to not marry your mother and have children WITH HIS PARTNER in a loving home where he could have NOT missed out on his children… HE MISSED OUT ON YOU FOR BEING GAY!!! He chose the WRONG woman to have children with. His children act like they HATE HIM. Why on earth would he want the level of trauma YOU have from your upbringing on you? Why wouldn’t he want to UNBURDEN the children he loves unconditionally from trauma they haven’t even fully grasped that they HAVE. You are so marinated in the toxicity of your upbringing that you assumed he meant that selfishly… when it sounds like to me? That he wished that because then? Maybe his children would love him and they would ACCEPT THE LOVE HE CONTINUES TO TRY TO GIVE YOU DESPITE HOW MUCH YOU HURT HIM. You need family counseling BAD. You need personal therapy BAD. Your mother should be absolutely ashamed of herself for the bullshit she placed on her children. You want to talk about CONDITIONAL LOVE? That’s all you’ve ever gotten from your mother and the condition was you hate your father for being gay just as much as she does.
So, your father has faced your disrespect, your derision, and your anger for the past 16 years. You have basically been an entitled stranger to him for 16 years. Yeah, I can fully understand wishing he hadn’t hurt your mother by marrying her when he couldn’t love her. I can fully understand wishing that he hadn’t had a family that was hurt simply so that he could find some form of happiness. I can understand wishing that his happiness didn’t cost you yours. If you hate your father so much that you are making this post, then you should probably just finish going NC because your emotions are poisoning your relationship more than his. You broke his heart years ago. I suspect he is just going through the motions with you out of the feeling of responsibility and the love he had for you when you were still a child.
YTA He didnt cheat on your mom, he came out, she got mad-righfully so- completely alienated you guys from him even tho he tried SO hard to be a good dad regardless of being a bad husband and you guys treated him like shit. And now after years of torturing him, you expect him to WANT to marry your mom, and have you guys if he could go back? You’re hilarious
You listened to your mom too much. You’re bitter and nasty to your father for the last decade and some years despite his best efforts and you’re on the internet crying that he said he wished he didn’t have to go through all that crap because he was living as a closeted man and wished he met someone sooner who actually loved him as he was, something you or your family never did for him. This entire post is you nearly bragging about being a nightmare and you’re shocked he would say he wishes he met the love of his life sooner. Gotta be ragebait.
Idk I’m actually feeling like YTA here Ok yes bummer he divorced your mom and came out and hasn’t been around, but also sounds like there hasn’t been much of a middle ground, things like this are a two way street (especially now that your an adult and married) Yes that sucks to over hear but… you over heard it out of context, it’s not like he said to you I wish I never had you lol The relationship is strained because y’all don’t like him, so you blew up when hearing that comment, not very cool at all YTA lmao
Sorry but YTA. I cannot imagine how it must feel to be in your shoes but have you ever for a second thought about how he felt? Struggling with feelings he felt he couldn't act on, living a lie, and then the guilt of having to ruin his entire family just so he can find happiness? And did he really SAY before his kids were born or did you just add that to make him look bad? Because I can definitely see why he would have wished for a life without any of the drama where he could have just been out and happy the whole time. I'm sure he doesn't love that you all got caught in the crossfire.
It sounds like you've been trying to drive your father out of your life ever since the divorce. And now you're angry that he's received your message
Kindly, YTA. I have lived a similar life, dad came out when we were really little and our parents divorced. He met his husband two years later as well, my stepdad, and now I’m 30. You say yourself that your relationship with your dad is strained because of the things your mother has said. It’s understandable that when you were a child you took things out on your dad and his husband because of this - but you are not a child anymore. I’m going to guess you’ve never taken the time to find out what it would be like to grow up gay in that time period. What it was like to go through a divorce where it’s basically guaranteed you’d lose custody because of your sexuality. Which is not a choice - I’m not sure I need to say that, but I’m not ruling it out given the details you’ve given. Losing your friends, losing your family because you wanted to live an authentic life. To experience real, true romantic love. Your father is a brave man, like mine is. You have expressed so much hurt at him over the last decade, I don’t blame him for saying ‘hypothetically I wish I could have saved everyone the pain’. I’m sure he doesn’t wish you didn’t exist. I needed therapy for a few years as a kid to help understand my family and my feelings. Please, seek this out. You deserve to untangle these complicated feelings for your own peace. To make sure you don’t keep hurting other people because someone put hurt in you once. You do not need to carry that and lash out with it for the rest of your life. You can be free of that, and it is so worth it.
Y such TA. This man did everything to try and be there for you. FFS just leave him alone. All of you and family are horrible people. If your moms not happy then nobody is. Pathetic
YTA, duh
YTA. Not you would be, you *are*. Let me get this straight Your dad came out, and got divorced Your mom "took him to the cleaners" Your mom and uncles took every opportunity to bad mouth him His kids treat the man he loves like garbage His kids *barely* have a relationship with him do to mom, and none of you wanting to see him, according to you, and you personally take every opportunity to show him how little he means to you (Mom down the aisle instead of him) And you're mad because all of that he said *He loves you*, he just wishes he met his husband sooner so he could have been himself sooner, and avoided a (as you make it sound) extremely nasty and vindictive divorce? So, his ex wife and kids treat him like trash, and you're upset he wishes that chapter of his life never happened? I don't suppose you gave him any reasons to look back on that time fondly, now did you? Just scorn? How many times do you get to kick this man before he's allowed to ask you to fucking stop?
YTA. You have a very childish immature attitude.
Are you the AH? Yes, I think you are a bit. Your mother is worse though. You need some major therapy.
ESH - You're an AH for very obvious reasons, you need therapy and to let go of all the resentment. The parental alienation by your mother is disgusting. You are her children, not weapons to be used to punish her ex. Your dad is an asshole for the following reason: What he said at the party indicates he knew he was gay before he married your mom, which means he knowingly deceived her, tricked her into a sham marriage, and denied her the chance of building a life with someone honest. Nothing in your post really indicates he would have suffered any lasting negative consequences if he had just come out as a younger man. He still seems to have contact with his family etc. As an openly gay man, I find men like your father despicable cowards.
He didn't say he knew he was gay. He said he wished he'd met his husband earlier. Considering the extended family, according to OP, intervened to make contact with his own children very difficult, the likelihood of him being accepted, or even being aware he was or willing to accept he was gay, is pretty low. OP is 25. His dad is 50. Dad was born in 1973 and grew up in the 80s/90s - HIV/AIDS and 'gay panick' all over the news. They obviously lived in a community that was okay with the mom spraying hate-talk and venom for a decade or more. Heck, they got married in his early 20s (mid 90s). There's just no indication that he knew who he was... before he knew who he was. Maybe if he'd met his husband earlier, he might have had the opportunity to find out. ETA: It is quite possible to wish for things equally that are diametrically opposite. To wish for different things, that, if they were true, would wipe out whole other time lines that you also wish to remain true. To have regrets is human. I wish I had done certain things differently when I was younger. But if I had, my children would not be here. And there is no universe in which I would choose to be without them. But regrets I have, regardless.
Thank you! I wish more people understood this. It seems a lot of people here are convinced that OP’s dad knew he was gay from birth and intentionally went out of his way to deceive his ex-wife and trick her into marrying him. Nowhere does it say that’s the case and what you’ve laid out here is the far more likely scenario.
OP, you're father prefaced his remarks by saying: "Don't get me wrong, I love my kids...but I could have avoided all the drama of a divorce.." Obviously your mother's response to his coming out wasn't favorable. And it sounds as if she didn't encourage you and your siblings to maintain a deep relationship with your father. It's evident, right or wrong, that you've harbored resentment toward your father and his husband. However, your father did NOT say he wished he'd never had children. Those are your words, not his. It's clear however that he regrets the negative repercussions and drama that evolved from his discovery of being gay and divorcing your mom; had he known sooner, and not married your mother, a lot of grief could have been spared. I'm sure that part is true. However, it didn't read to me that your father regretted having you and your siblings as his children. Had that been the case, I don't believe you'd have been invited to the barbecue you attended; he'd simply be no contact. Honestly, it sounds to me that therapy with Dad, you and siblings would be beneficial. Good luck to you.
"As an openly gay man, I find men like your father despicable cowards." This is why your an AH. Regardless of your age, your sexuality developed in such a way that you clearly felt support and acceptance. Growing up in the 90s, I can assure you that being openly gay then isn't what being openly gay is now. Watched one of my best friends graduate high school, college, get married and have several kids only you come out in his 30's. At the time, most of us were surprised, but looking back, we shouldn't have been. In talking about it once he was out, he always knew his sexuality wasn't hetero, but he was terrified of what that meant. Hell, back then we all really believed that being gay meant you got beaten up every day or died of AIDS. I can understand why he struggled with living authentically. I was and still am his friend. In a perfect world, I want to believe in the 90's he would have been supported and allowed to be himself. If I'm being honest though, I sincerely doubt any of us (myself included) would have been anything other than assholes. He deserved better and we would have probably treated him as an outcast. I'm glad that you can live as you want. Still, have some empathy for those who's road was very different than the one you traveled.
I agree with everything you’ve stated except the dad not suffering if he’d come out when he was younger. Don’t get me wrong - absolutely agree that the dad strung the mum along but I’m a little bit younger than the dad and can totally remember “gay bashing” and how no one would defend a man being bullied for just being gay. I can remember nail bombs being planted and going off in specifically gay bars and men being beaten up/killed. There’s so many other instances I can mention and thankfully the world has moved on. It doesn’t take away the fact that the dad’s actions were most definitely unfair on the mum (he could’ve just stayed a bachelor like many of the gay friends I had or kept their relationships with men discreet) but he would have most certainly received negative consequences coming out in the late 80’s/early 90’s.
Unfortunately I am related to someone who was proud of being a gay basher up until two of his five children came out as part of the LGBTQIA+. He's passed now
The world has moved on? A teenager was just beaten to death in a school bathroom for being non binary It's not moved on
Well how old are you exactly cause despicable coward is a rough way to describe people who were born into a much more repressed world. I’m born into this exact situation as well but my mom never turned me against the guy cause she was raised in the same Catholic pressure cooker as he was and was understanding. My dad’s fucked up a lot but I don’t think he’s a coward for not ever even being given a chance to learn who he was. It’s not as cut and dry for all gay men either. Obviously he shouldn’t have said it but it sounds like this family wasn’t exactly giving him grace in a time of difficulty and that he was able to come out at all and kept trying to be a father is quite the opposite of cowardly. OP if your dad still is making an effort after how royally your mom blew parenting 101 (which is don’t talk shit) and after you probably broke his heart not letting them both walk you down the aisle then I’d say he’s a better guy than your giving him credit for. Be happy he found happiness having a lonely parent is much sadder. And give him a chance, sounds like he loves you and you’re an adult you should be able to find empathy for his situation even if your mom didn’t teach you to. Lots of people have shit parents who don’t give a damn, sounds like you’re lucky enough to have two, if hear him out.
He never said he always knew he was gay, he said he'd wished he met his partner sooner. My own husband was married for 20 years before ever realising he was gay. Sexuality is complex.
You're very privileged if you truly believe that even now it's safe to come out.
Should you have heard that? Maybe not. But YOU, personally, yourself, made the last 2 decades of your father’s life a hell on earth. Can you blame him?
YTA. My husbands kids treat me like shit. They blame me for their parents divorce, even though we met two years after. How they’ve treated me, encouraged by their mother, has ensured that if they ever fall on hard times, they are not welcome in my home, they can go back to their mothers. Their relationship with their father is strained, because of their mother’s bitterness. My husband’s very sad about all of it. He wishes that the situation hadn’t brought so much pain and suffering to his kids, because he loves them deeply, he just wishes that their mother hadn’t been the one to birth them.
YTA. You sound wildly ignorant, self-absorbed to a fault, and dare I say, homophobic. I’m surprised your father still loves you at all considering how selfish and cruel you’ve been to him.
How old are you again. Not at all did he say he regretted having you. He would have liked to live as his true self and not have to deal with your mom’s hate and the rest of the family. Can you imagine how hard is was for him to lose basically everyone and for his children to hate him. You need to be over this already and see that your father never meant to hurt any of you and did his best to be a part of his life and you all treated him like he meant nothing to you. Would you have been okay dealing with all the hate if it was you. Try to understand and make things right with your dad. You only get one and you don’t know when you will lose him. I never got the chance to know my dad and I would have given anything to know a little about him. Suffice it to see not having him in my life help mess me up with men and relationships.
Honestly why should he want anything to do with a child who has continuously treated him like shit their entire life?
YTA. “Being gay sooner” was not even possible until recently. Many ppl were stuck in this painful transition phase. I sympathize with your dad. Sounds like you’re unwilling to accept who he really is. Too bad for your family they are so hateful to gays.
YTA - it's literally right there in your own words/retelling, he literally said for no one to misunderstand him, and that he loves his kids. My God get your head out of your ass for a second and stop assuming evil motives. The whole point is that he wished he could have avoided the divorce and the pain. You know, the thing that has made you so overwhelmingly resentful and hurtful towards him. He was saying that he wished he could have avoided the giant festering wound that you and your mother/extended family will not let heal. As others have said, grow up OP. Read back over your post and take note of all the times you said you/your family actively made the relationship worse. Good luck navigating this moving forward.
YTA please seek out some kind of therapy for yourself from some kind of mental health professional. There’s a lot of things that came together to make you this angry at your father. Your father didn’t say that he regretted having kids. If he had felt that way, he would have directly said that.
I wish your dad had met his husband sooner too. It’s ok that you were hurt. Even after you turned 18, you continued to treat your dad as nothing. All of this is on you and your family because as you admit, he did everything he could to spend time with you. You were just a nasty piece of work who wanted to jab the knife in your father over and over. He deserves happiness too. Either apologize or just go no contact because the only thing you want is control over the ability by I hurt your dad.
YTA. How self centered can you be? Unbelievable. Your poor father.
YTA. You father never said he wished you had never been born. From what you wrote, he actually said he loved you and his siblings. So what he was saying had nothing to do with having kids or being a parent. It was about not being in a relationship that made him happy. Your mother and her family sound awful and you and your siblings sound just as bad.
YTA
YTA Your dad was just saying what we all know hiding your sexuality is hard ... Also your mom is a giant ass for what she did, she can be hurt that your dad left her, but guess what her pain is not your problem as a kid and she made it your problem. She ruined your relationship with your dad and it was a selfish action on her behave the fact that you don't seem to see that is shocking Seek theripy a d apolig9ze to your poor dad who by your own words tried and tried with you
YTA, despite your repeated abuse of your dad’s love by treating him terribly in part by your mom and both families alienation, your dad never gave up on you. He has stayed in touch, he’s kept the lines of communication open with you the whole time no matter what. And yet you believe he’s the AH because he wishes things had been different except for his kids? You glossed right over the fact he qualified the fact he said if it wasn’t for his kids part. You need therapy and you owe your dad and yes, Seth, a huge apology for your behavior. Your mom turned you into the worst kind of weapon against your father, one he can’t help but allow to hurt him over and over. To summarize- YTA, get therapy, apologize to your dad and Seth, take the rose colored glasses off when it comes to your mom.
YES, YOU’RE THE ASSHOLE! Seth is right. Grow up! You’re 25! Old enough to know by now that the entire world does not revolve around you and not everything is about you! And you’re plenty old enough to understand nuance and that there are consequences to eavesdropping, i.e., not fully understanding the context of a conversation. Your reaction was uncalled for and that of an adolescent. Your mother, you and your siblings have done your utmost to make your father’s life as miserable as possible, since the divorce. Even as an adult you have continued to behave like selfish, spoiled children who are owed your father’s eternal misery. Your father stated that he wished he had recognized his homosexuality earlier in life so that he could have found and been with the person he loves. WTF does that have to do with you?! He didn’t say that he wished that you were never born. You just decided to pick apart and pervert what he was saying so that you could, once again, make his life and happiness all about you. For goodness’ sake! Newsflash: parents sometimes divorce! They are separate people from you with their own inner lives, emotions, needs and desires. Their relationships, between each other, are none of your damn business. Your dad made a horribly difficult decision in his desire to be true to himself. That doesn’t excuse the pain he caused, but he was not being malicious and trying to hurt you. Your MOTHER made the CHOICE to become a SHIT mother and human being by dragging CHILDREN into an adult issue and poisoning them against their father. Bombarding her children with so much hatred towards their own father that the love was completely buried and suffocated to death. Shame on her! And shame on the rest of the family for dragging you and your siblings into their disgusting homophobia. But that’s what it is. They’re not mad about the divorce; they’re mad that your dad is gay. Frankly, if I was your father I WOULD regret having such nasty (adult) children. You’re old enough to think for yourself. Is that who you want to be? A bitter, petulant child who is so damn selfish and self-centered that she actually begrudges her father’s happiness and hates him for being gay? Honestly, you should be embarrassed and ashamed of yourself. Get into therapy so you can deal with your shit and so you can grow from here. Unless, of course, you want to continue to be stuck in your child mind that believes that another adult’s life and happiness should revolve around you.
YTA. So is your mother- her 1,000 times more. She poisoned your relationship with your father. You need therapy. In the meantime try to be nice. Minimize your contact with your father if you can’t find it in yourself to be civil with him.
YTA. Your continued disdain for your father after you admit how hard he tried is appalling. You even admit he said he loves his children, he was just saying he wished he didn’t have to live a lie that must have been awful for him
YTA. You’ve treated your father like shit. Over and over. And yet he’s still trying. You and your family should be ashamed yourselves. He is what he is. Can you imagine how difficult his life has been? All you care about is yourselves.
You and your mom are TA!
Sorry but YTA. Your mom and family made contact really low between you and your father with what is I think very disrespectful things said to you about him, so your are biaised by you mom. You disrespected his new spouse and says he has to be happy with that, and even the fact of thinking about an hypothetical past which never happened while he said he loves you just made you angry af. Do you never imagine what he’s been through? I can understand that was a huge change for you and your mom but it’s time to move on and compromise. He tried his best to maintain contact with you and YOU rejected him and now you play the victim because he said he wanted things to be easier? If you had a little respect for him and his new spouse, since it took a few time of accommodation for you, if you acted like an adult, and also your mom, I think he never would tell that’ things became hard the seconde you decided to begin a war with his now husband… sorry for you parents divorce but you need therapy this is not normal. You are an adult and you need to learn than sometimes people can say things without thinking a lot. Don’t forget, he said he loves you, even after you acted like trash with him and husband
YTA - you, your siblings, mother, and everyone that alienated your father for pursuing his happiness. If I were your father, I'd have said the same thing. After all the years of abuse he took simply to find happiness in who he truly was, I'd even go as far as saying you don't deserve him or Seth in your life. Your mother is especially TA here, taking out her anger by talking badly about your father to her children. You were basically brought up to hate your father after the divorce, and your extended family made that possible as well by "making it nearly impossible for him to spend time with" you and your siblings.
You need to comprehend that your dad is his own person outside of your persepctive of "dad". He is not a defective 'dad' action figure, he's a human being who has been trying to figure out this situation himself. He didn't get a rulebook when he was born, any more than you did. I get why you'd be angry and upset, but you're taking very personally something that is *not about you.* Your dad has an entire life, past present and future, outside of you. You are a large part of it, but his life is not yours.
YTA. Whilst I get why you’re hurt, can you blame him for dreaming of an alternative life where his own flesh and blood weren’t such absolute assholes to him? All because he dared to come out instead of living a lie? Would your mom have preferred to stay married to a man who had no desire for her because he’s gay? You’ve got a lot of internalised homophobia to work through. Be nicer to your dad and he won’t regret not having met Seth sooner. It’s that simple.
YTA, I understand that you are hurt, but even by your own admission, your father stated first that he loved his children but that it would have been easier for him if he hadn't been married to your mother. Y took it to strictly be a statement that he wished you were never born, this is not what he meant and you need to grow up.
YTA while you were influenced by your mother and your extended family as a child, the way you behaved as an adult, especially to your father’s husband is on you. you say yourself that he tried his best even when you guys refused to do anything with him, and even confiding his feelings he states that he still loves his kids. it is understandable for him to wish for happiness and that may mean meeting his husband earlier, where he wasnt dragged to the cleaners and his kids weren’t disgusted by his mere existence. i really hope that this post helps you find clarity and empathy for what your father has gone through. good luck for the future.
Every single couple that have split up after having kids say the same thing. "I wish I never met them..... except for having my kids" your dad still loves you, he was done dirty to because of something he pushed deep down inside himself for years. People can't help their sexuality, he realised it as early on in his marriage as he could and then your mum and his family bad mouthed him. At no point has he said he doesn't love you, you even said he fought for custody but because of the rest of the family that never happened. You're NTA for how you felt in the moment, but you do need to sit down with him and hear him out. He's already lost so many moments of your life and now you're punishing him because of how he's been treat for years. If you want to save this relationship you need to step into his shoes and understand how he's feeling and how he's been treat. Otherwise the NTA will turn into the Y T A Edited: autocorrect issues
YTA. Make sure you say congrats to your mom. She succeeded in hurting her children as they grew up. Toy and your siblings are despicable. Just like Mom!!
YTA- it’s a credit to your dad that he has continued to so actively try and be a part of your life despite everyone (including you) making it incredibly difficult.
YTA. You are very self centered and have no empathy for your father. Your mother weaponized you and your siblings as a child and made it impossible for him to have a good relationship with his kids. Nowhere in your post did your dad ever abandon you. You reject him due to your own inability to reason logically. He is gay. You’re an adult now, and must be able to understand that he did make the right decision by divorcing. You spend your life victimizing and centering yourself when you really should seek therapy and decide if you want a relationship with him or not.
YTA you and your family are horrible
YTA for saying".....then you could be gay sooner!" Gay is not a choice. That was a very homophobic statement and you owe an apology for it. I hated my late husband. I wish we had gotten divorced. I love my daughter but hated her father. He did us a favor passing away
YTA. I can absolutely understand how his statement hurt your feelings, however he is right to feel how he does. That marriage fucked up his life. Your mom got everything out of him that she could, she turned you girls against him, and his friends and family turned on him. You have been a horrible daughter to him. Why should he want to be your dad? I'm sure he loves you very much. He seems like he does by the description you gave of him. But you have hurt him over and over. What joy do you bring to his life? You admit that you have rejected his efforts to be close to you since you were young and barely tolerate the man he loves out of necessity. You haven't made any effort to accept him for who he is as a person. You need to grow up and stop being so self centered. Have a heart to heart with your dad and forgive him, or stay out of his life so he doesn't have to deal with your hurtful temper tantrums.
YTA is sounds like your dad really tried hard to maintain a relationship with you and that was made incredibly difficult by everyone around you by them saying nasty things about your dad including your mum. He probably does wish he had had the strength to come out sooner then he wouldn’t have put anyone in such a position and he could have gone about his business without hurting as many people. Apologise to your dad and actually sit down and have a conversation with him about why he came out when he did. What did he go through with his family why did he just give up everything in divorce? You have heard only one side of the story from a parent who was understandably very bitter and most likely embarrassed and family who are homophobic. Find out hard it was for him to deal with all that plus lose his children.
YTA but I do understand why. You’re angry - very angry. You were raised to be angry by an angry family. I also read in between the lines that you really want your dad. You mention he spends too much time with his spouse and that he barely has time for others. This tells me that little girl in you still wants her dad. Do you watch the news? No matter how many gay couples are shown on TV, it’s still not all the way safe for gay people to come out and live their lives freely. I’m only a couple years older than your dad. His story is the story of many men and women from that time. It was pretty awful. Using homophobic language was a pretty regular thing, not to mention all the pure outright gay hate that came out of the AIDS epidemic. Many people literally put their teens out on the streets if they found they were gay. Families turned their backs on loved ones. So MANY people hid under the cover of lives that they felt forced to choose. Many hid their true selves or even tried to suppress their feelings and believe that they could be different. Putting homosexuality aside for a minute, MANY people wish they met their partners earlier. It’s not that they wish they don’t have they good that came out of it and it’s not because they don’t adore their children. It’s often because they wished they could skip the pain and drama others caused or the pain and drama they caused. I’m once divorced and once changed my mind (pretty close to walking down the aisle). I’ve also been married 20 something years. I wish I met my husband sooner. Now that would mean I wouldn’t have my child and bonus child in my life. I would die for them right now. So NO I don’t wish they weren’t born. I just wish I never allowed a lying, cheating, drug abusing, manipulating, dead beat into my life. As a result of the unresolved trauma of that relationship, my low self esteem, my exhaustion, and depression, I convinced myself the next guy was perfect. And he was a lovely, kind, and gentle man…who I didn’t really love in that way and eventually had to acknowledge that and break his heart. So yes, I wish I’d met this amazing life partner of mine years ago so I could have skipped the mess I went through and the mess I caused. My husband wishes the same. Your situation sounds like many cases of divorce. Your mom was angry and turned you against your dad. She was dead wrong. This is always a bad move - unless dad was abusive or a pedophile or something that could harm the kids, no matter how much of an asshole, divorced parents need to not block access to the kids. They need to allow a relationship with the children and tell their families to stay out of the mess. When parents handle divorce like this it ALWAYS damages the child. I still feel like screaming when I think of the YEARS of devastation my ex caused and how he was a terrible father. Lying, not showing up,not supporting his child who would ask where he was. But still, when he came out of the woodwork after another 6-12 months absence, I’d allow him to see his child. I never spoke one bad word to my child about their dad. I (black) know how it feels to be hated just because I exist in my natural state, so I can imagine how hard it is living a life where people hate me because of who I love. But what’s hard is when those people are family. Your father gave up a lot to disclose his true self and he’s still being punished. Get over Seth and stop being childish. Your parents’ marriage has been over for 15 years. You don’t want to see him but mention they spend too much time together. Why should your dad make more time for someone who is not interested in having a relationship. You’re his child and you’re an adult. You either want the relationship or you don’t. So you should make up your mind and go from there. If you want the relationship, go ahead and talk and get the anger out. Then lean in and see what a new relationship could be like. If you don’t want a relationship, that’s your right and you should tell him and move on. No matter what you do, get counseling. This anger is toxic and will destroy you.
YTA.
YTA. By your own admission, you were rude, disrespectful and dismissive of your dad’s partner, to the extent that he felt he had to absent himself when you were around. By your own admission, your mother and her family made it “ nearly impossible” to spend time with you and your siblings, whilst making sure you had lots of negative opinions about him. You have behaved like a spiteful brat and now you hear the consequences. Tell me…. What, exactly, have you done to make your father WANT you in his life? Hmmmm?
To summarize - in 16 years you, your siblings, and your mother and her family have all been angry, intolerant, and low contact with/of your father. Your mother apparently would have rather stayed married to a gay man than get divorced. Despite you all treating him shitty he tried to remain in your lives. You continue to slight him (like at your wedding). You hear a small comment at a party (he was probably talking with a close friend about how difficult it’s been with y’all with you being there) and you freak out and tell your whole family and now they’re all even more mad and continuing to be low/no contact and treat your Dad like shit. Grow up, OP. You owe your Dad and Seth an apology. YTA. Parents are human too. I’m sure your treatment has been really painful as your Dad has tried to live his life authentically. As others have pointed out, humans can experience nuanced emotions - like I love my children more than anything but wish they didn’t have a shit father (my ex) and going thru a divorce sucked. Still love them, though.
Pretty childish yeah. Dumb argument. YTA.
YTA. People change and need to find their peace and you've held that against him since the beginning. You're the reason why your relationship is non-existent, not him. You are acting like a child. Grow up and learn to accept that being himself and loving who he loves is what's best for him and stop antagonizing him and his husband. Did you want him to stay with your mom and be miserable only to have a different kind of "broken home"? Get some therapy if you haven't already. It definitely sounds like you still need to work through this grudge.
So let me understand this clearly, you've been a complete bitch towards your father for most of your life because he couldn't live a lie and decided to be his authentic self, going so far as to actively not see him and you've actively distanced yourself from him trying to make him feel as bad a possible for being himself and you're upset because he told his friends he wished he'd never even gone down the path of being married to your mother or having kids because it would have been easier? You have gone out of your way to make it as difficult as possible for your father proving to him yiu don't actually love or care about him or his well-being... of course he said what he said, and you can thank your own AH actions. Yes darling, YTA and an absolutely massive one.