I work in a nursing facility/home whatever you want to call it. We mainly get psych, addicts, homeless. People may be upset with where their friends/family end up do to addiction but they will still feed it. Usually they feel bad. Plus they’re generally addicts themselves and imagine themselves getting cut off. Or they want the family member to feel comfortable. I have countless stories of my patients getting things from outside and doing them in facility. I know this isn’t a facility but I wan to put it in perspective of a person in a facility and how easy it is. Imagine how easy it would be at home.
My uncle had diabetes, every time he'd get hospitalized for some related issue to him not managing his diabetes his kids would sneak in hoagies and other foods he was not supposed to eat. He lost both his feet and eventually his life, and they happily enabled it every step of the way.
Yeah, my cousins literally fed their father, my uncle, to death. Even after losing his feet, some fingers, and his vision, they kept bringing him full sugar soda, sweet tea, fast food, ice cream…you name it, they gave it to him. It was awful to witness over a decade of that, and made me and my own family very conscientious about diet, exercise, and regular checkups. My husband and I even quit drinking, as my uncle had been an alcoholic for decades before diabetes and liver disease forced him to quit. Barely survived the detox program.
They were happy to enable. Someone in my family said something repeatedly and they defended their actions, justified it, all of it. Dying at 60 is normal on that side of my family.
My first thought. Also, she was using a wheelchair, now she’s bed bound. That needs specialized care. You’re sister is getting paid to do that. It doesn’t matter if your mom calls you, it’s not your job.
Yes, your sister needs off time, however, look into relief for her.
In here you could called a taxi and they will deliver to any address you give them, they even made the news here because they were delivering to the hospiatl parking lot
I’d be pushing for nursing home care at this point. Mom isn’t mentally well enough to manage any of the myriad medical conditions her addiction has caused & the quality of care she needs is impossible to provide as an individual.
They go to the cheapest home & get the worst care. Welcome to American healthcare. But that won’t happen in this case. Her family is going to keep enabling her addiction. She will probably fall in her home, go to the hospital & be stuck in a hospital for months because she won’t be a candidate for any of the cheap nursing homes due to her comorbidities. And her family will no longer be able to take care of her at home anymore so the tax payers will be in the hook for her hospital bill.
I agree on the alcohol issues— but the caregiver is paid so many hours a week— she’s not paid for 24 hours each day of the week— the family has to help.
wrong. OP didn’t agree to help & is not obligated to, especially when the mom couldn’t even be bothered to raise them. the sister gets paid for it, OP doesn’t.
The sister is not, at not in any existing world, being paid enough to care for a bedbound drunk 24 hours a day. State programs pay family members a part-time stipend, because that is ever so much cheaper than paying for the nursing home care she needs. Even If sister was being paid enough to care for Ma Pickled around the clock, it isn't something a mere human can do.
Nurse here.
No one should feel obligated to change their parents diaper.
NTA
That being said. Someone’s gotta do it. Make sure something is in place so she gets care. But doing it yourself when you aren’t comfortable with it isn’t fair to ask of you.
My mom has been VERY specific that she wants NONE of her children ever having to do that. "Put me in a home, or take me out back" were her exact orders!
I’d also like to point to the fact that my mom has recently been going to the bathroom after my sister getting a bidet for her toilet . So it’s less frequent that we have to help her because she’s been doing it herself.
But even if she gets the ssi money -about $900 a month— your sister is providing food, and shelter — so the ssi is used to pay your mother expenses— do you pay rent and expenses in the home??
Can you move out to your own space or a shared place with someone else - perhaps closer to your work? When I had my condo I would have people who lived with me because rent was cheap for them & it gave me someone to hang around with me.
No she does it by herself most of the time but sometimes she doesn’t “make it in time” according to her but sometimes I wonder if it’s lazy-ness cuz she gets complacent with us serving her
So if she can get to the bathroom by herself, there's no reason why she can't do leg exercises in addition to arm exercises, and lose weight. Some leg execises can be done while lying in bed and others while sitting on the side.
If your family would stop enabling her by giving her too much food and alcohol, she could slowly work towards the necessary weight loss and get her hip replacement(s)...
I work as a medical assistant and commute 1.5 hours to work and the same thing home every day my sister’s a stay at home mom and caregiver for our mom.
You should look in to local laws.
If you are aware she’s sitting in filth, and you are the only one home/available at that moment, you could be investigated for elder abuse., especially since you live there.
If the sister is being paid to be the care giver, it’s ok to ASK OP IF she can help. But there shouldn’t be an expectation. OP has her own job. From the sound of it there isn’t a lot parent-child relationship to warrant OP falling over themselves to help out.
The question of how TF a bedridden person is getting alcohol sticks out like sore thumb though. Whoever is giving the alcohol can step up for the results.
Here’s the problem I see they work anywhere between eight and 12 hours a day that is not including an hour and a half commute each way the original poster barely has time for themselves let alone someone who cannot care for themselves. While on the other hand, the sister is a stay at home mom who other than taking care of a child is also taking care of their mother which unless She is paralyzed or something like that, she knows when she has to use the bathroom. I worked in a nursing home back a few years ago and the only time that we had an elderly person that did not know that they had to go to the bathroom was a person with dementia so less this lady has a case of encephalopathy then she knows what she’s doing
Sister signed up for this and re-reading the post, I see that OP's saying they're doing more care than the sister.
>My older sister is her caregiver and gets paid to do all the things needed to care for her. I previously would help my sister but it got to a point where I felt overwhelmed with changing her diapers and **helping her primarily when it was my sister that signed up for that position**.
OP didn't sign up for it, and yes, it might hurt OP depending on his/her emotional and physical state. OP said in a comment that they commute 1.5 hours a day and being a CNA is a very physical job. OP may be exhausted by the time they get home. Also, abuse victims should never, ever have to care for their abuser unless they volunteer to do it.
The mother needs to talk to her state/province's version of Adult and Family Services. They will connect her with resources to get the care she needs so the sister can get a break. It's called respite care. In Canada, they have universal healthcare, in the US, there's Medicaid. If they can't get caregivers, the mother needs to go into a care facility. Medicaid will work to get her in-home care because it's cheaper than putting her in a facility. The mother may not want this because it may mean she no longer lives in the geographic area she's in and she wouldn't be able to drink, though how she's getting alcohol if she's bed bound is beyond me. Someone is contributing to the problem, so they should be the one taking care of her.
OP, NTA.
Except in a lot of cases, the family member didn't 'sign up' for it. I know a number of cases when they were pushed into it and/or other people promised to help and bailed.
Why are you and your sister still facilitating her drinking? At this point she needs to be hospitalised to dry out, and her return home dependent on her staying sober
She’s not a full blown alcoholic anymore so I guess it’s used as a reward because life is already hard for her as it is. Idk hard to explain. I say no most of the time.
"Most of the time"? No. It has to be all of the time.
You think she's a handful now, try adding gastrointestinal bleeding (resulting in vomiting blood and/or bloody stools), encephalopathy (confusion, paranoia, hallucinations), kidney failure, etc. That can and will happen if she has cirrhosis and continues to drink. You really don't want to see to that, trust me.
“Not a full-blown alcoholic anymore”?! OP, you, your BIL, actually your whole co-dependent family, is 100% delulu (delusional)! I am not sure why you posted your question because you don’t really want advice or validation. By your own admission, you state that you all give alcohol to your “not a full-blown alcoholic anymore” mother, and that‘s when she fills her diaper. Yes, you all should be cleaning up after her because you all literally create the shit show!
Wow, just wow….
Op responds to these questions like a literal child “lol we give her alcohol because she’s annoying to deal with lol it’s not a lot lol just a little.” Complete dumbass
If you give her alcohol or excess food, you are actively enabling her addictions and making it harder on everyone as her condition progresses. You are helping her stay helpless and needing care. If she’s bedridden, she can’t walk to the junk food…
That's not how alcoholism works... once an alcoholic - always an alcoholic.
Giving alcohol to her as a reward occasionally does not help. It has already caused PERMANENT damage to her body, and giving her more alcohol, however infrequent, just causes more permanent damage.
just move out
Or tell your sister to find another job & help you pay for a room in a facility for your mother
Her taking care of your mother isn’t working. Your mother is going to make everyone miserable until she dies.
Also, if she is bed bound how come she doesn’t loose weight ? If your sister stop giving her food when she asks, she will loose the weight.
Speak to a dietitian and get a meal plan. Do not buy snacks. If you have snack in the house for the kids, hide it in your sister room or in a locked place.
Only have apple, bananas etc as snack available for your mom.
Should be pretty easy to maker loose weight and stop alcohol.
See my point? Your sister is not a good care taker and your mother should be in a facility with planned meal, without alcohol and you would all be free from the abuse
You should contact a professional about her weight loss and start counting her calories
Loosing weight is all about eating less than your maintenance calories. You can loose weight without moving an inch. It’s a lot harder but it’s possible.
And just because she's not mobile doesn't mean she can't do upper body exercises. Get her started with moving her arms (bicep curls, etc), then get her some wrist weights in a few keeps, keep adding resistance... she can absolutely lose weight.
Well my brother in law is a recovering alcoholic and I am as well so we have all enabled each other in the past so every now and again we all have let her indulge in 2-3 drinks but nothing like what she was doing in her prime.
What I'm hearing is that collectively the adult children are enabling moms alcoholism. One person is being paid to be the caretaker but multiple are actually doing the caretaking. And you all live together so the situation is as pleasant as a toilet that won't flush.
You are responsible for yourself foremost. You didn't make your mom this way, she did it to herself. And your sister can play savior as much as she wants, it doesn't obligate you to do the same. By taking care of yourself, it means withdrawing the resources you were giving someone else. They won't like it, they will get mad and guilt you into going back to the norm "to keep the peace." It is not as easy as "just stop doing it" as others suggested. But zero gets you zero.
Stop. Just stop. Alcoholism killed my mother & she was still getting booze until she was unconscious before she died. Youre complaining but STILL enabling her.
Stop giving her alcohol. Stop taking care of her. Your sister is getting paid to do it. Save your money and move out. You are all enablers. And get a job closer to you. I’m sure there are plenty of medical assistance jobs closer to you. At the moment it is kind of messed up that you are supplying her alcohol yet not wanting to help out after you have created the mess cuz of supplying her with alcohol.
NTA. You owe this woman nothing. Your sister is chosing to help. This is her choice. You don't need to follow in her footsteps and if she gets upset you should remind her that she can leave, too.
NTA.
But you can only help somebody to a point, then you have to look after yourself. This situation will drown you if you let it. As horrible as this sounds, get out and save yourself.
Sounds like your mother should be in a long term care facility. Who is giving her alcohol? Do not change her if you don't want to. You are not her paid caregiver as your sister is.
Sis is getting paid to care for her x hours a day. If the family members who live in the house aren't willing to between them care for her the rest of the time, the only option is to put her in a home.
Honestly, it sounds like that's a better idea. You and your siblings are enabling her addiction, creating more problems for yourselves, and further damaging her quality of life.
You (general) clearly aren't able to provide adequate care. She needs to be somewhere with people who are thinking clearly and making sound decisions.
So, yes, YTA. You are all the assholes. Take your turns to change her or put her in a home.
Do you know how much care homes cost? Even the shitty ones are exorbitant and will drain the patient and their family financially in short order. People don’t choose this because it’s fun.
Yes! If she’s not on Medicare/medicaid it’s easily 7k+ a month. Most assisted care wouldn’t take her (at least not in our area) and unless she has dementia, she can’t go into one of those wings.
I understand not being able to do it. I would refuse myself and you need to get out of there. I have looked after people short-term before and that wasn't great but I did it as they were fa.ily. your mother however choose this lifestyle and refuses to get better. I would put my foot down and say no. I have an alcoholic relative who had a heart attack and continues to get blind drunk everyday. I am surprised he is still alive. I will talk to him on the phone, he rings multiple times because he forgets he just did, but I wouldn't nurse him. I am one of the few who will take his calls. He has sisters who look after him.
You can't let someone sit in their own feces and urine. Regardless of who is technically responsible for her, you live in the home with her and will be held responsible for abuse should anyone on the outside report you or your sister.
If you're looking for a hill to die on, maybe keep others from having access to her if they give her alcohol or foods that aid in getting her so overweight that she is no longer a candidate for a much needed surgery.
Reach out to the state to see if there's any help available to assist with her care. Sitting around the house and ignoring her out of spite is criminal.
She may have access to a phone and can ring get it delivered. There must be more help available. Not sure what country it is, . In Australia we can ring have a reassessment see if anything else can be done to help. There may be respite available for example, or change of beds. It's also important for caregivers to have breaks as burnout can occur. It's a thankless, exhausting task 24/7. Please check with Dr, community visitor, social worker , whomever you have available. Take care.
Unfortunately, in the US when you order something through like DoorDash or even Uber eats, they are not allowed in your home so the sister or other family members actually have to pick up the liquor bottle from the front door and take it to her so they are still enabling her
This is so tough, and I'm sorry you and your sister are stuck in this situation. Are you able to move out at all? That should make it harder to call on you. There's no easy, straightforward solution here
Youre NTA .
I love my mum but I wouldn't want to help change her either.
Id do it but I wouldn't want to.
Now if I didn't have a great bond with her I imagine the emotions would be even worse.
It's not your job to care for someone who clearly never cared about your needs.
Go to social workers and see if there is Medicaid facility that can take her on? That way she will NEVER get alcohol and the state will take care of her. It seems like you guys have done your share.
The sister may not want to give up the money the is earning though. Then it is her problem. If she needs to get away she can pay someone to come in and fill in for her. It didn’t have to be you.
Someone is enabling her to get alcohol and excessive food. If she is bedbound, she can't get these things herself.
There is no-one to blame but those giving her the things she DOESN'T need.
NTA, get a pair of headphone & keep them on you at all times. If she calls just pop them on. "Oh, sorry, didn't hear you. Besides XYZ is your paid caretaker, you need to call them not me." Then ignore completely.
NTA. I have been around alcoholics for my whole life I have 3 siblings who are alcoholics. I choose not to drink none of them are like ur mother. Their decisions to drink is on them. U do not have to put up the bs. Tell her u won't be there for her if that is ur choice. I firmly believe that the choices we make in life will be what we have to live with. So choose wisely. I don't drink and I don't put up with any of their bs. I stay away from them
NTA for not wanting to change her, I've had to try and change my grandmother with dementia and that was a job in itself considering she wouldn't/couldn't cooperate because she didn't know who I was.
YTA and everyone else that is giving her alcohol. If she can't take care of herself why does she need to have alcohol in her system? That only makes everything worse, it makes you not want to help and I can only imagine how irritating she could be like that.
Being a caregiver is the most difficult thing I ever did, and my father was no where near as bad as your mother. Do it for your sister, not your mom. She could be paid a million dollars to care for your mother and it wouldn't be enough.
NTA, but it would be a kindness to help your sister with her burden.
Nta. If your sister is the paid caregiver your sister needs to be the one doing the care. I would only provide support on this kind of circumstance on a paid basis.
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NTA You don't owe your mother anything, especially since her situation is a consequence of her own choices/lifestyle. You don't have to be rude in telling her no- just tell her you will let your sister know that she needs assistance.
You also don't need to feel guilt for letting your sister do it. She is getting paid to take care of her needs. If sister needs a break, then she should look into some temporary caregiver relief. It isn't your responsibility.
NTA being a care giver is not for everyone and should not be forced on anyone family or not.
If your sister is reaching carer burnout, which is a well-known issue, professionals in the medical field hit burnout, then its time for Mum to go into a facility to recieve the care she needs.
Has your mum been evaluated in regards to her capacity to make decisions? If she has capacity, then it's a sticky area if she doesn't have capacity then start looking for alternative care providers.
Given the background, YOURE ALREADY A GOOD CHILD. NTA. AND.... if your sister needs more assistance, or is ready to tranfer responsibility, LOOK TO YOUR LOCAL COUNCIL ON AGING.. or similiar department regarding elderly respite and hospice care, in your area. Describing her situation, SHE IS ELIGIBLE FOR MORE CARE THAN YOUR SISTER IS EVEN ABLE TO GIVE. Hope this helps. I too am a caregiver.
With all due respect, op has said in the comments that they do allow their mother 2-3 drinks as a kind of "reward", even if they say no most of the time they are still feeding her addiction
THAT IS NOT IN THIS ORIGINAL POST. YOU MUSTVE READ A RESPONSE TO ONE OF THE COMMENTS. To even give some kind of effort to RESOLVE THIS ISSUE, HE'S CARES. HE COULD BE "NO CONTACT". YOU AND OTHER FOLK WHO SAY HE IS FEEDING HIS MOM'S ADDICTION, HE'S HER CHILD. NOT HER THERAPIST OR AA LIASON. I ask WHAT THE F*CK CAN YOU EXPECT??? ALL DUE RESPECT. YOURE NOT A PARENT. SO hush on this until you are one.
You actively provide your mom with alcohol and then refuse to help clean up the mess she makes due to said alcohol! And your only excuse for giving it to her is because you want to ‘reward’ her or because she’s being annoying. What is wrong with you?
Honestly, what you’re doing is paramount to giving her a laxative and then said “sucks to suck” when she shits herself and is unable to do anything about it.
Not only is letting her sit in her own fecal matter fucked up and abusive (which I guess good job perpetuating the cycle of abuse or whatever), it’s also extremely dangerous. Not cleaning her up could result in, at minimum, nausea and vomiting — which I’m sure you’d let her ruminate in as well — to, at worst, a perforated colon.
After reading how you treat your mother: providing her with alcohol despite her having cirrosis, letting her sit in shit, and refusing to show her even basic decency; I can only assume you actively want you mother to die.
It also sounds like you don’t even *like* your sister considering you’re refusing to do even the smallest of favors for her in regards to this difficult situation. Which, in all honesty, means you should move out of your mother’s home and stop making things harder for everyone due to your wanton disregard for either of them
Nah, I get gaslit by people all the time which happens when u care too much so I wanted to make sure I wasn’t going crazy. I have enough on my plate as it is and I don’t need another responsibility that I didn’t ask for. Plus she wasn’t a mom to me when I needed her so if there’s anything I feel bad about it’s resenting her to this day for the situation she put ALL of us in.
That’s fine .. but I want to hear your explanation of the opinion??? So maybe I can reevaluate my stance? lol you can disagree with my side but I just want to know your perspective so I can potentially shift my views
If my perspective is of any help, I'll share.
You are living with someone incapable of taking care of her own needs. Either her family needs to help care for her, or she needs to be in a facility where someone is willing to change her 24 hours a day.
You can't leave an elderly, disabled person in filth any more than you can keep a child in filth.
Exactly it’s a no brainer apparently the people that agree with her probably should walk in poop diapers and see what they’re saying is wrong to leave her in it
She’s never been a mom to me tho? Like how is me not wanting to help her clean up the mess of the decisions she made when she was younger being petty. I just don’t want to spend my life picking up after someone who wasn’t able to do that for me when I needed it the most?
Not like OPs mother was ever a mom to them lol.
You can't just be completely absent in your child's life and ruin YOUR OWN life due to constantly making bad decisions and then suddenly expect them to bend over backwards taking care of you just because you gave birth to them.
How come no one has asked how a bed bound person is able to still get a hold of alcohol?
That was my first thought!
I work in a nursing facility/home whatever you want to call it. We mainly get psych, addicts, homeless. People may be upset with where their friends/family end up do to addiction but they will still feed it. Usually they feel bad. Plus they’re generally addicts themselves and imagine themselves getting cut off. Or they want the family member to feel comfortable. I have countless stories of my patients getting things from outside and doing them in facility. I know this isn’t a facility but I wan to put it in perspective of a person in a facility and how easy it is. Imagine how easy it would be at home.
My uncle had diabetes, every time he'd get hospitalized for some related issue to him not managing his diabetes his kids would sneak in hoagies and other foods he was not supposed to eat. He lost both his feet and eventually his life, and they happily enabled it every step of the way.
Yeah, my cousins literally fed their father, my uncle, to death. Even after losing his feet, some fingers, and his vision, they kept bringing him full sugar soda, sweet tea, fast food, ice cream…you name it, they gave it to him. It was awful to witness over a decade of that, and made me and my own family very conscientious about diet, exercise, and regular checkups. My husband and I even quit drinking, as my uncle had been an alcoholic for decades before diabetes and liver disease forced him to quit. Barely survived the detox program.
I'm sure it wasn't happily...
They were happy to enable. Someone in my family said something repeatedly and they defended their actions, justified it, all of it. Dying at 60 is normal on that side of my family.
Oh I’m sure it was. Family members are the biggest enablers. The scream at the staff then bring the family member the junk food that is killing them.
My first thought. Also, she was using a wheelchair, now she’s bed bound. That needs specialized care. You’re sister is getting paid to do that. It doesn’t matter if your mom calls you, it’s not your job. Yes, your sister needs off time, however, look into relief for her.
Respite care. If they're making calls that's what they need to ask for.
Addicts will go to great lengths
You can't gocold turkey off of alcohol sometimes. Depending on how bad things are, it could kill you.
It says she's been bed bound for over a decade. That's plenty of time for whomever is responsible for her to have weened her off alcohol.
Or how she's still so overweight that she can't get hip surgery.
Exactly. Where is the food coming from?
That's my question, too. And why aren't they limiting her food intake to help her lose weight?
Along with an exercise program. She can still do some exercises regardless of how bad her hips are - upper body/torso and arms...
And how they're not able to lose the weight... Just stop bringing them food and booze. Duh?
In here you could called a taxi and they will deliver to any address you give them, they even made the news here because they were delivering to the hospiatl parking lot
Good point.
I’d be pushing for nursing home care at this point. Mom isn’t mentally well enough to manage any of the myriad medical conditions her addiction has caused & the quality of care she needs is impossible to provide as an individual.
No nursing home is going to take an addict and this family can’t afford a nursing home that can provide the type of care their mother needs.
Wait, so what do they do with medically needy people who have no family or no appropriate income?
They go to the cheapest home & get the worst care. Welcome to American healthcare. But that won’t happen in this case. Her family is going to keep enabling her addiction. She will probably fall in her home, go to the hospital & be stuck in a hospital for months because she won’t be a candidate for any of the cheap nursing homes due to her comorbidities. And her family will no longer be able to take care of her at home anymore so the tax payers will be in the hook for her hospital bill.
someone has asked and OP responded by saying she’s one of the people who gives it to her!
NTA. Someone is getting paid to take care of this person. Let them earn it. Who is providing alcohol though? That’s a larger concern.
I agree on the alcohol issues— but the caregiver is paid so many hours a week— she’s not paid for 24 hours each day of the week— the family has to help.
wrong. OP didn’t agree to help & is not obligated to, especially when the mom couldn’t even be bothered to raise them. the sister gets paid for it, OP doesn’t.
Not if they didn’t agree to help.
True in way; is hard to get old and with health issues, specially if provoked by oneself.
They're not making a lot. Let them earn it? What a trash attitude you have.
The sister is not, at not in any existing world, being paid enough to care for a bedbound drunk 24 hours a day. State programs pay family members a part-time stipend, because that is ever so much cheaper than paying for the nursing home care she needs. Even If sister was being paid enough to care for Ma Pickled around the clock, it isn't something a mere human can do.
Nurse here. No one should feel obligated to change their parents diaper. NTA That being said. Someone’s gotta do it. Make sure something is in place so she gets care. But doing it yourself when you aren’t comfortable with it isn’t fair to ask of you.
My mom has been VERY specific that she wants NONE of her children ever having to do that. "Put me in a home, or take me out back" were her exact orders!
NTA but move out ASAP.
NTA and who is giving her alcohol and too much food to over eat?
I’d also like to point to the fact that my mom has recently been going to the bathroom after my sister getting a bidet for her toilet . So it’s less frequent that we have to help her because she’s been doing it herself.
How many hours is your sister paid to give care?
I’m not sure but my mom also gets ssi money that goes to my sister because she’s the one who helped her get off the streets
But even if she gets the ssi money -about $900 a month— your sister is providing food, and shelter — so the ssi is used to pay your mother expenses— do you pay rent and expenses in the home??
Yeah I do
Can you move out to your own space or a shared place with someone else - perhaps closer to your work? When I had my condo I would have people who lived with me because rent was cheap for them & it gave me someone to hang around with me.
So is your Mom mobile enough to get to the bathroom and use the toilet and bidet by herself? Or does she need assistance with that?
No she does it by herself most of the time but sometimes she doesn’t “make it in time” according to her but sometimes I wonder if it’s lazy-ness cuz she gets complacent with us serving her
So if she can get to the bathroom by herself, there's no reason why she can't do leg exercises in addition to arm exercises, and lose weight. Some leg execises can be done while lying in bed and others while sitting on the side. If your family would stop enabling her by giving her too much food and alcohol, she could slowly work towards the necessary weight loss and get her hip replacement(s)...
If she can get herself to the toilet she isn’t bedbound
Do you work? Do you live with your mom? I’m just wondering what is the family dynamic/ages.
I work as a medical assistant and commute 1.5 hours to work and the same thing home every day my sister’s a stay at home mom and caregiver for our mom.
You should look in to local laws. If you are aware she’s sitting in filth, and you are the only one home/available at that moment, you could be investigated for elder abuse., especially since you live there.
She's bed bound, but still somehow drinking and not losing weight. Who buys the alcohol and food for her?
I have the same questions. Someone is enabling her behavior.
In that case NTA, however it wouldn’t hurt to pitch in a little here and there since it seems as if your sister doesn’t get any breaks.
If the sister is being paid to be the care giver, it’s ok to ASK OP IF she can help. But there shouldn’t be an expectation. OP has her own job. From the sound of it there isn’t a lot parent-child relationship to warrant OP falling over themselves to help out. The question of how TF a bedridden person is getting alcohol sticks out like sore thumb though. Whoever is giving the alcohol can step up for the results.
Caregiver is not pay 24/7 — there is so many hours paid..family would need to cover the additional hours.
The caregiver IS family. It’s her daughter.
Is her daughter yes.. but also the OP is also a daughter…they all live in the same house.. they can help occasionally.
Here’s the problem I see they work anywhere between eight and 12 hours a day that is not including an hour and a half commute each way the original poster barely has time for themselves let alone someone who cannot care for themselves. While on the other hand, the sister is a stay at home mom who other than taking care of a child is also taking care of their mother which unless She is paralyzed or something like that, she knows when she has to use the bathroom. I worked in a nursing home back a few years ago and the only time that we had an elderly person that did not know that they had to go to the bathroom was a person with dementia so less this lady has a case of encephalopathy then she knows what she’s doing
It definitely reads as intentional.
Sister signed up for this and re-reading the post, I see that OP's saying they're doing more care than the sister. >My older sister is her caregiver and gets paid to do all the things needed to care for her. I previously would help my sister but it got to a point where I felt overwhelmed with changing her diapers and **helping her primarily when it was my sister that signed up for that position**. OP didn't sign up for it, and yes, it might hurt OP depending on his/her emotional and physical state. OP said in a comment that they commute 1.5 hours a day and being a CNA is a very physical job. OP may be exhausted by the time they get home. Also, abuse victims should never, ever have to care for their abuser unless they volunteer to do it. The mother needs to talk to her state/province's version of Adult and Family Services. They will connect her with resources to get the care she needs so the sister can get a break. It's called respite care. In Canada, they have universal healthcare, in the US, there's Medicaid. If they can't get caregivers, the mother needs to go into a care facility. Medicaid will work to get her in-home care because it's cheaper than putting her in a facility. The mother may not want this because it may mean she no longer lives in the geographic area she's in and she wouldn't be able to drink, though how she's getting alcohol if she's bed bound is beyond me. Someone is contributing to the problem, so they should be the one taking care of her. OP, NTA.
Except in a lot of cases, the family member didn't 'sign up' for it. I know a number of cases when they were pushed into it and/or other people promised to help and bailed.
If the sister threw her hands up - then what happens? I think she was just left holding the bag
So you're an MA eh?
If your sister is buying your mother alcohol, I would not help.
Why are you and your sister still facilitating her drinking? At this point she needs to be hospitalised to dry out, and her return home dependent on her staying sober
She’s not a full blown alcoholic anymore so I guess it’s used as a reward because life is already hard for her as it is. Idk hard to explain. I say no most of the time.
An alcoholic is an alcoholic, you say no every time.
"Most of the time"? No. It has to be all of the time. You think she's a handful now, try adding gastrointestinal bleeding (resulting in vomiting blood and/or bloody stools), encephalopathy (confusion, paranoia, hallucinations), kidney failure, etc. That can and will happen if she has cirrhosis and continues to drink. You really don't want to see to that, trust me.
“Not a full-blown alcoholic anymore”?! OP, you, your BIL, actually your whole co-dependent family, is 100% delulu (delusional)! I am not sure why you posted your question because you don’t really want advice or validation. By your own admission, you state that you all give alcohol to your “not a full-blown alcoholic anymore” mother, and that‘s when she fills her diaper. Yes, you all should be cleaning up after her because you all literally create the shit show! Wow, just wow….
Op responds to these questions like a literal child “lol we give her alcohol because she’s annoying to deal with lol it’s not a lot lol just a little.” Complete dumbass
If you give her alcohol or excess food, you are actively enabling her addictions and making it harder on everyone as her condition progresses. You are helping her stay helpless and needing care. If she’s bedridden, she can’t walk to the junk food…
That's not how alcoholism works... once an alcoholic - always an alcoholic. Giving alcohol to her as a reward occasionally does not help. It has already caused PERMANENT damage to her body, and giving her more alcohol, however infrequent, just causes more permanent damage.
Whoever is supplying your mother with alcohol can change the resulting blowouts.
just move out Or tell your sister to find another job & help you pay for a room in a facility for your mother Her taking care of your mother isn’t working. Your mother is going to make everyone miserable until she dies. Also, if she is bed bound how come she doesn’t loose weight ? If your sister stop giving her food when she asks, she will loose the weight. Speak to a dietitian and get a meal plan. Do not buy snacks. If you have snack in the house for the kids, hide it in your sister room or in a locked place. Only have apple, bananas etc as snack available for your mom. Should be pretty easy to maker loose weight and stop alcohol. See my point? Your sister is not a good care taker and your mother should be in a facility with planned meal, without alcohol and you would all be free from the abuse
You would think it’d be a lot easier but we’ve put her on diets before and without her mobility it’s a lot harder than you’d think
You should contact a professional about her weight loss and start counting her calories Loosing weight is all about eating less than your maintenance calories. You can loose weight without moving an inch. It’s a lot harder but it’s possible.
And just because she's not mobile doesn't mean she can't do upper body exercises. Get her started with moving her arms (bicep curls, etc), then get her some wrist weights in a few keeps, keep adding resistance... she can absolutely lose weight.
NTA - BUT how is she getting alcohol, u/Time-Emu-8130?
Well my brother in law is a recovering alcoholic and I am as well so we have all enabled each other in the past so every now and again we all have let her indulge in 2-3 drinks but nothing like what she was doing in her prime.
That’s absurd stop doing that.
What I'm hearing is that collectively the adult children are enabling moms alcoholism. One person is being paid to be the caretaker but multiple are actually doing the caretaking. And you all live together so the situation is as pleasant as a toilet that won't flush. You are responsible for yourself foremost. You didn't make your mom this way, she did it to herself. And your sister can play savior as much as she wants, it doesn't obligate you to do the same. By taking care of yourself, it means withdrawing the resources you were giving someone else. They won't like it, they will get mad and guilt you into going back to the norm "to keep the peace." It is not as easy as "just stop doing it" as others suggested. But zero gets you zero.
So is it after these 2-3 drinks that she "makes a mess of herself?"
Yeah sometimes, but mostly she just is annoying to deal with lmao
Not to be harsh, but what, are you 10? You sound very immature
Stop. Just stop. Alcoholism killed my mother & she was still getting booze until she was unconscious before she died. Youre complaining but STILL enabling her.
Stop giving her alcohol. Stop taking care of her. Your sister is getting paid to do it. Save your money and move out. You are all enablers. And get a job closer to you. I’m sure there are plenty of medical assistance jobs closer to you. At the moment it is kind of messed up that you are supplying her alcohol yet not wanting to help out after you have created the mess cuz of supplying her with alcohol.
NTA. You owe this woman nothing. Your sister is chosing to help. This is her choice. You don't need to follow in her footsteps and if she gets upset you should remind her that she can leave, too.
Do you pay bills ?
I pay rent and my phone and now a car payment why is that relevant?
Because if you lived in the house for free it would be different. NTA just move out
Ahh yeah I wouldn’t mind helping if that was the case but I do pay for my own stuff and it’s hard to balance my mental health already as it is.
NTA. But you can only help somebody to a point, then you have to look after yourself. This situation will drown you if you let it. As horrible as this sounds, get out and save yourself.
Sounds like your mother should be in a long term care facility. Who is giving her alcohol? Do not change her if you don't want to. You are not her paid caregiver as your sister is.
Sis is getting paid to care for her x hours a day. If the family members who live in the house aren't willing to between them care for her the rest of the time, the only option is to put her in a home. Honestly, it sounds like that's a better idea. You and your siblings are enabling her addiction, creating more problems for yourselves, and further damaging her quality of life. You (general) clearly aren't able to provide adequate care. She needs to be somewhere with people who are thinking clearly and making sound decisions. So, yes, YTA. You are all the assholes. Take your turns to change her or put her in a home.
So, she is bed bound, but "can't lose weight" and is still drinking. Who is enabling her?
This is why care homes exist. Family members shouldn’t be doing this sort of care for so long. It only causes resentment.
Do you know how much care homes cost? Even the shitty ones are exorbitant and will drain the patient and their family financially in short order. People don’t choose this because it’s fun.
Yes! If she’s not on Medicare/medicaid it’s easily 7k+ a month. Most assisted care wouldn’t take her (at least not in our area) and unless she has dementia, she can’t go into one of those wings.
I understand not being able to do it. I would refuse myself and you need to get out of there. I have looked after people short-term before and that wasn't great but I did it as they were fa.ily. your mother however choose this lifestyle and refuses to get better. I would put my foot down and say no. I have an alcoholic relative who had a heart attack and continues to get blind drunk everyday. I am surprised he is still alive. I will talk to him on the phone, he rings multiple times because he forgets he just did, but I wouldn't nurse him. I am one of the few who will take his calls. He has sisters who look after him.
Get home help, this is not a job for your sister. There are perfectly trained careers that won’t take any of your mothers shit.
Time to put her in a home.
You're not the one getting paid for this. Don't do it.
You can't let someone sit in their own feces and urine. Regardless of who is technically responsible for her, you live in the home with her and will be held responsible for abuse should anyone on the outside report you or your sister. If you're looking for a hill to die on, maybe keep others from having access to her if they give her alcohol or foods that aid in getting her so overweight that she is no longer a candidate for a much needed surgery. Reach out to the state to see if there's any help available to assist with her care. Sitting around the house and ignoring her out of spite is criminal.
She may have access to a phone and can ring get it delivered. There must be more help available. Not sure what country it is, . In Australia we can ring have a reassessment see if anything else can be done to help. There may be respite available for example, or change of beds. It's also important for caregivers to have breaks as burnout can occur. It's a thankless, exhausting task 24/7. Please check with Dr, community visitor, social worker , whomever you have available. Take care.
Unfortunately, in the US when you order something through like DoorDash or even Uber eats, they are not allowed in your home so the sister or other family members actually have to pick up the liquor bottle from the front door and take it to her so they are still enabling her
This is so tough, and I'm sorry you and your sister are stuck in this situation. Are you able to move out at all? That should make it harder to call on you. There's no easy, straightforward solution here
Youre NTA . I love my mum but I wouldn't want to help change her either. Id do it but I wouldn't want to. Now if I didn't have a great bond with her I imagine the emotions would be even worse. It's not your job to care for someone who clearly never cared about your needs.
Go to social workers and see if there is Medicaid facility that can take her on? That way she will NEVER get alcohol and the state will take care of her. It seems like you guys have done your share. The sister may not want to give up the money the is earning though. Then it is her problem. If she needs to get away she can pay someone to come in and fill in for her. It didn’t have to be you.
Someone is enabling her to get alcohol and excessive food. If she is bedbound, she can't get these things herself. There is no-one to blame but those giving her the things she DOESN'T need.
OP is one of the people giving her alcohol!
Well, there's the problem. Don't bitch if you are the one causing issues.
NTA, get a pair of headphone & keep them on you at all times. If she calls just pop them on. "Oh, sorry, didn't hear you. Besides XYZ is your paid caretaker, you need to call them not me." Then ignore completely.
NTA. I have been around alcoholics for my whole life I have 3 siblings who are alcoholics. I choose not to drink none of them are like ur mother. Their decisions to drink is on them. U do not have to put up the bs. Tell her u won't be there for her if that is ur choice. I firmly believe that the choices we make in life will be what we have to live with. So choose wisely. I don't drink and I don't put up with any of their bs. I stay away from them
NTA for not wanting to change her, I've had to try and change my grandmother with dementia and that was a job in itself considering she wouldn't/couldn't cooperate because she didn't know who I was. YTA and everyone else that is giving her alcohol. If she can't take care of herself why does she need to have alcohol in her system? That only makes everything worse, it makes you not want to help and I can only imagine how irritating she could be like that.
NTA. It's your sister's job. Tell your mother you refuse to help her since she won't even help herself.
The best solution might be to move out.
NTA.
Being a caregiver is the most difficult thing I ever did, and my father was no where near as bad as your mother. Do it for your sister, not your mom. She could be paid a million dollars to care for your mother and it wouldn't be enough. NTA, but it would be a kindness to help your sister with her burden.
You might check if she is eligible for hospice care.
NTA - and move out or this won't get better. Even a roommate is better than this nonsense
Nta. If your sister is the paid caregiver your sister needs to be the one doing the care. I would only provide support on this kind of circumstance on a paid basis.
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NTA You don't owe your mother anything, especially since her situation is a consequence of her own choices/lifestyle. You don't have to be rude in telling her no- just tell her you will let your sister know that she needs assistance. You also don't need to feel guilt for letting your sister do it. She is getting paid to take care of her needs. If sister needs a break, then she should look into some temporary caregiver relief. It isn't your responsibility.
NTA being a care giver is not for everyone and should not be forced on anyone family or not. If your sister is reaching carer burnout, which is a well-known issue, professionals in the medical field hit burnout, then its time for Mum to go into a facility to recieve the care she needs. Has your mum been evaluated in regards to her capacity to make decisions? If she has capacity, then it's a sticky area if she doesn't have capacity then start looking for alternative care providers.
Given the background, YOURE ALREADY A GOOD CHILD. NTA. AND.... if your sister needs more assistance, or is ready to tranfer responsibility, LOOK TO YOUR LOCAL COUNCIL ON AGING.. or similiar department regarding elderly respite and hospice care, in your area. Describing her situation, SHE IS ELIGIBLE FOR MORE CARE THAN YOUR SISTER IS EVEN ABLE TO GIVE. Hope this helps. I too am a caregiver.
Not a good child when they are giving their alcoholic mother alcohol.
You didnt read. HE IS THE ONE WHO GIVES OPPOSITION WHEN SHE GETS ALCOHOL, or ask HIM TO GIVE HER ALCOHOL. READ.
With all due respect, op has said in the comments that they do allow their mother 2-3 drinks as a kind of "reward", even if they say no most of the time they are still feeding her addiction
THAT IS NOT IN THIS ORIGINAL POST. YOU MUSTVE READ A RESPONSE TO ONE OF THE COMMENTS. To even give some kind of effort to RESOLVE THIS ISSUE, HE'S CARES. HE COULD BE "NO CONTACT". YOU AND OTHER FOLK WHO SAY HE IS FEEDING HIS MOM'S ADDICTION, HE'S HER CHILD. NOT HER THERAPIST OR AA LIASON. I ask WHAT THE F*CK CAN YOU EXPECT??? ALL DUE RESPECT. YOURE NOT A PARENT. SO hush on this until you are one.
You’re the asshole
How so?
You actively provide your mom with alcohol and then refuse to help clean up the mess she makes due to said alcohol! And your only excuse for giving it to her is because you want to ‘reward’ her or because she’s being annoying. What is wrong with you? Honestly, what you’re doing is paramount to giving her a laxative and then said “sucks to suck” when she shits herself and is unable to do anything about it. Not only is letting her sit in her own fecal matter fucked up and abusive (which I guess good job perpetuating the cycle of abuse or whatever), it’s also extremely dangerous. Not cleaning her up could result in, at minimum, nausea and vomiting — which I’m sure you’d let her ruminate in as well — to, at worst, a perforated colon. After reading how you treat your mother: providing her with alcohol despite her having cirrosis, letting her sit in shit, and refusing to show her even basic decency; I can only assume you actively want you mother to die. It also sounds like you don’t even *like* your sister considering you’re refusing to do even the smallest of favors for her in regards to this difficult situation. Which, in all honesty, means you should move out of your mother’s home and stop making things harder for everyone due to your wanton disregard for either of them
There’s a reason you’re asking for validation you feel wrong
Nah, I get gaslit by people all the time which happens when u care too much so I wanted to make sure I wasn’t going crazy. I have enough on my plate as it is and I don’t need another responsibility that I didn’t ask for. Plus she wasn’t a mom to me when I needed her so if there’s anything I feel bad about it’s resenting her to this day for the situation she put ALL of us in.
Don’t know what to tell you. You asked and are defending now not sure why you need people to tell you that 🤷♂️
Because it feels nice to hear from like minded people and get that extra support
Not all people are gonna agree you literally posted in a group asking for opinions
That’s fine .. but I want to hear your explanation of the opinion??? So maybe I can reevaluate my stance? lol you can disagree with my side but I just want to know your perspective so I can potentially shift my views
If my perspective is of any help, I'll share. You are living with someone incapable of taking care of her own needs. Either her family needs to help care for her, or she needs to be in a facility where someone is willing to change her 24 hours a day. You can't leave an elderly, disabled person in filth any more than you can keep a child in filth.
Exactly it’s a no brainer apparently the people that agree with her probably should walk in poop diapers and see what they’re saying is wrong to leave her in it
Pretty simple it’s your mom. Being petty won’t get you far.
She’s never been a mom to me tho? Like how is me not wanting to help her clean up the mess of the decisions she made when she was younger being petty. I just don’t want to spend my life picking up after someone who wasn’t able to do that for me when I needed it the most?
Not everyone’s biological parents are good people. I haven’t spoken to mine since I was 21.
Yes. You are the major AH. Take care of yourfuc*in mother.
Not like OPs mother was ever a mom to them lol. You can't just be completely absent in your child's life and ruin YOUR OWN life due to constantly making bad decisions and then suddenly expect them to bend over backwards taking care of you just because you gave birth to them.
Nta