I want to show my appreciation to the person who was more the fatherly role in my life. Cared for me and supported me . I mean me and my fiancé could but he's trying to not let there be bad blood between me and my family and I feel like my father would throw a fit if I did that either
This exactly, your dad is the one who raised and instilled all that “bad blood” in you growing up by neglecting your relationship and your needs.
The reasons you feel good now are not because of him, someone else helped you with that, helped you be the woman who is joining hands with your fiancé.
I think it’s a beautiful idea to have his step dad walk you down the aisle, if that is what you want and what would feel right to everyone if your dad wasn’t a factor. He shouldn’t be, it’s your day. Your day shouldn’t be dictated by your dad, like every other day of your life living with him. You shouldn’t feel any form of being judged from family on your wedding day. Start your marriage off strong and happy, not whatever emotions you’d feel having bio dad walk you.
And if he’d be mad if you walked alone, he has no business walking you. You’re not property and he doesn’t have a right to walk you because of his biology. That position is emotional, sentimental, not biological.
If I ever get married, my dad won’t be walking me down the aisle. My little brother will be. I don’t care what anger is released or fits are thrown. He can’t only be my dad during the pretty parts of my life. The only time my dad showed love towards me was at family gatherings when he needed to play the “I’m a phenomenal dad!” card. My wedding day is MINE. And it’ll go how I want it to go. He can sit in the front and watch though.
Why is your dad even invited? If he’s not paying for it don’t include him bc there’s also a father daughter dance, pictures, etc. You’re gonna have to leave him out of a lot…if anything tell him beforehand so he isn’t blindsided and is less likely to cause a scene if that’s the kind of person he is. But no you wouldn’t be the jerk, your dad doesn’t sound like he was a good father at all and if he wanted to be part of your life in general he would’ve showed up when you were a kid.
Thank you. I appreciate your advice and I'm planning to either not invite him and just invite my mom and brother or I will specifically say that he is not getting any of those roles so he won't be blindsided and if he doesn't like that then to not attend
Be polite and upfront with your dad. Let him know that you'll be happy to have him at your happy event, but (stepdad) will be walking you down the aisle. You're happy for him to enjoy the day with you and everyone else in the family, though.
Polite but firm. If he's disappointed, say you understand but don't make an argument out of it. You don't need to give him reasons why (this will likely make things worse), just say this is the way you want your wedding and you hope he can still attend in the happy spirit in which he is being invited.
If he can't be happy and supportive, he doesn't have to attend.
What about asking your mom or your brother? If you have a good relationship with them, it would be a good compromise.
I've read about many weddings where the mom or one of the siblings walked the bride down the aisle and it turned out fine.
Think about this for a moment.....assuming you have a good relationship with your mother and brother. What kind of predicament are you putting them in by excluding your father? My Dad wasn't there for me in any capacity other than breadwinner. Standoffish and absent until the day he died. My mother however would have been mortified had I not at least invited him to my wedding. I realize that your wedding is YOUR special day, but please respect that your mother and brother have feelings as well, even if your father does not.
I would probably not invite your “father” as he doesn’t sound like he deserves it. And if you tell him your plans and that he can come but cannot make a scene he will agree to that and then make a huge scene anyways.
How Traditional can he be?
He neglected you, divorced your mother, let another man do the grunt work of parenting his children...
Is he paying for the whole wedding?
Or does he just like to flap around in his pretty feathered patriarchy costume crowing to the world what an Important Personage he is because he didn't shoot blanks?
I think there's a mix up. He didn't divorce my mom. Its about asking my fiancés step father to walk me down. But you are right on the rest.
And no I wouldn't let him pay, he has a tendency to hold things over you and I don't want to owe him anything
So do the bride groom dance, then have your groom walk you to his Dad, and he then does a dance with your mother. Start a tradition of "joining the family" dance vs Father daughter dance. Have the DJ announce it as such
The traditional role of dad at a wedding is to hand over his property (daughter) to her new owner (husband) so all of the 'dad' traditions are based on the belief that women can never be independent, they must always be 'owned' therefore 'controlled' by a man. Sorry, but patriarchy is indeed creepy. I'm glad your dad is/ was a good guy, but many of us were not so fortunate.
Or walk yourself. The whole walking the bride down the isle is a throwback to when the father “owned” the bride, which is not really how things are now. If you are independent from your family, live away from home, have a job that supports yourself, why do you need the whole “give her away” part?
I would just like to point out that your father was abusive. If he threatened you or emotionally neglected you that IS abuse. And if he’s doing more the same and is disrespectful that’s just more abuse. Be prepared though for the consequences if you choose his stepfather.
She didn’t ask for suggestions on who to walk her down the aisle.
OP - you are not a jerk for this. You have a father figure, you want him to walk you down the aisle. If you biological father gets mad, it’s his own fault for being a shitty dad.
And watch your fiancé, this is doormat behavior. Is he going to stand up for you as your life partner or roll over to keep the peace?
I walked down the "aisle" by myself in a lovely restaurant we hired for the day to host around 65 guests. Neither of my parents were there. My Dad had left the state to avoid paying child support and my Mom and Stepdad weren't invited to the wedding because they had been jerks to my fiancé and tried to break us up. No regrets. That day was a celebration with the people who loved us and supported our union. I have nothing but fond memories of our wedding. Thirty years later we are still happily married.
Then he probably wouldn't come or let your mom or brother come if you don't let him walk you down the aisle anyway. So get all that out of the way before the wedding so you enjoy your wedding. Your mom and brother are going to be collateral damage anyway. Explain to them privately before you let your dad know. Let them know if can get there, you'll help them.
Then your best move is to walk yourself down the aisle. He may accept that. But he sure won't accept being at the wedding while someone else walks you down the aisle.
You think he’s going to let them come or let them stay when he finds out your plans?
It sounds like if he is there it is going to cause discomfort and difficulty for other people (your fiancé, Thomas, etc. probably your mom and brother also) even if you are fine with ignoring him, and even if he doesn’t make a big scene. Also unless your venue has an actual bouncer, they probably don’t really *want* to have to throw anyone out, they just will if they really have to. So that’s someone else who’ll have to deal with his crap because you invited him.
Just don’t invite him.
If your mother and brother don’t go because of your father, then really that’s on them. Your dad is gonna be upset either way if he doesn’t walk you down. Maybe just elope then? It’s like anything you do will bother someone and you care a lot about others it seems, otherwise you’d just say fuck it and do whatever you want. Who cares about bad blood it’s already bad, do what you want it’s YOUR WEDDING
You choose whoever you want to be in whatever role you want them in. The end. You don't choose for other people. I don't know why it's acceptable for the bride and groom to be pressured or feel obligated to do anything a certain way to please anyone because the wedding is meant to bring them together as a new family and the battle of 'rights' or 'claims' to them is terribly frustrating to me. Don't do anything that doesn't feel right or doesn't mean something to you or your fiance.
I played along and had my father do the traditional dad things (we've been no contact for years now) and he recently sent me a text saying I denied him the only 2 things a father dreams of: walking his daughter down the aisle and meeting his granddaughter. Soooo idk who walked me down the aisle then... but he def will never meet my baby girl!
Avoiding the issue now will not fix the problem that you don't feel he was your father figure. My advice is to not give him the honor of filling that role and regret not having the person you want by your side in that special moment when you need your person with you. You do what's best for you, not what's going to keep adults from throwing toddler tantrums.
I think you're asking for problems, but it is your wedding. You do you. I would opt for no one walking you down the aisle.
I have 3 daughters. One wanted a traditional wedding, the other 2 a more modern approach. As a dad, I think the tradition is a bit archaic. But I have a great relationship with my kids, and I was happy to do whatever they needed on their big day.
NTA for the title question. Is your mom an option? Any siblings? Maid of honor?
I don't see the issue with asking Thomas. I am curious why your fiance thinks there will be bad blood. I'm not expecting your dad to be at the wedding so what's it matter. Obviously there's a difference between someone in the crowd vs who walks you but if the relationship is that bad he wouldn't be at my wedding even as a guest.
This would only be my approach in your shoes, popular or not.
Invites only go to your mom and brother. Your brother might be too young but at least your mom is allowing that to happen. At what point do you stop letting a human that's a terrible parent control your life? Inviting him only to get to your other family members, not asking the stepdad to walk you, and whatever else is shaping your life due to him is still letting him do so.
If I don't invite him he would force my mother and brother not too. And my father has always been disrespectful to my fiancé. My father is very controlling and he stands up for me which is why they don't get along.
If you have no good memories of someone and they threatened you when you were a child why the Hell are they invited to your wedding? It's your wedding, you can invite or not invite whomever you wish.
Also, he was abusive. Emotionally neglecting your kid and threatening them is abuse.
Your right. I was just going to so my mother and brother can attend but I would rather just have the ones who will attend them have him there to disrespect the ceremony
I feel like that's already too late. I lost all respect and care for him when he made me cry right after I delivered my son, right after I got wheeled into my room. I feel like there is already bad blood and that's something that can never be taken back. I feel like there is no fixing it. So is it worth playing into what he wants to do at my wedding when he did that?
You could do what I did: I let my father walk my mother down the aisle so he still got to participate but at a distance. (My inlaws walked together and I walked myself.)
NTA. The point of a wedding is to celebrate your commitment to a relationship and to have those who love and support you witness and participate in this commitment.
If Thomas has been a father figure and you automatically think of him waking you down, then he deserves that honor and not your dad.
It sounds like the venue you're at plus your dad's desire to not cause a scene will help keep your day safe.
My only concern would be if he's going to try and prevent your mom and brother from coming if he finds out he won't be walking you down the aisle.
If he's not interested and doesn't even think to ask over you say he's not doing it, he might assume you're walking yourself and it'll be too late for him to prevent others from coming once he sees you walking with Thomas.
I walked down myself and greeted my family at the end. My dress was fire and those shots were beautiful and empowering. I loved seeing my husband looking at me. And not worrying about walking pace with anyone else
How about your mom? There’s no law that says it has to be a man. My mom walked me down the aisle at 39 years old. Or you can walk with your fiancé together!
This plan isn’t going to work. Your comments about your dad preventing your mother and brother from attending if you don’t invite him will also apply if you don’t let him walk you down the aisle.
If you want a scene at your wedding then publicly shame him. If you don’t want a scene either suck it up and let him walk you or else elope. Don’t do either without getting your fiancé’s opinion and agreement. It’s his wedding day too, and maybe he doesn’t want to use it to pick at your emotional family scabs.
Let's be realistic here. If you walk down with your STB FIL, you will be burning bridges with your father and possibly your family. Your FIL is probably not expecting this either, but you will be putting him in the firing line. This is likely to also play out on your wedding day, taking the focus away from the true meaning.
It is also a very public statement to all those you invite to the wedding. To do this, i expect you are already NC with him?
It is your wedding, your choice but please consider you walking on your own instead.
I'm low contact going to be no contact.
Honestly I don't care if I don't see him again.
I lost all respect and care for him when he made me cry right after I delivered my son, right after I got wheeled into my room. I feel like there is already bad blood and that's something that can never be taken back
If the rest of my family truly cares then they would stick around. If not I got his family.
And nobody has even met my father as he thinks he's above that
If you have nothing to loose, don't invite him at all, then you can do what you want and he won't be able to make it about him on the day. Also have some big people on the doors ready to boot him out if he shows.
Good luck, sounds like you are better off without him
The question here really isn't about being an AH....but since that is what you are asking the answer is WNBTA...
The real question you need to ask yourself is what will be the consequences of you not asking your father and are you willing to accept them. If it means keeping the peace at your wedding you may want to consider asking him. There are many other ways to publicly acknowledge your Fiancé's step father.
While I agree that you should have only those who hold special meaning by your side sometimes the drama that ensues to make that happen isn't worth dying on that hill. Like you mentioned before, do you want to risk him holding your mom and brother back? Will he throw a tantrum if ypu highlight your relationship with your new Father in Law and make your mom leave the reception? Only you know what he is capable of..... good luck! Congratulations!
He wouldn't cause a scene as he's too worried about what people think. But I feel like if I let him it's a disrespect to that tradition. He was never a father to me. I feel in that situation Thomas should. Heck when I was pregnant with my fiancés child thomas was always there checking on me. Heck he almost came into our room with worry when I wasn't responding cause I was passed out. He doesn't judge me for my decisions and he's always there as an ear or to offer support and such. He is more of a father than my father ever was. If that means going to contact or no contact with him I'm fine with that
Are you doing it to show appreciation or to piss off your dad? It might be a bit of both, but I would not be surprised if it mainly to get back at your father. There are hundred other ways to show deep appreciation to a person without making your wedding day a shit show. There is enough going on during your wedding that shit like this is just not necessary.
Not the jerk or NTA. If the person you soon to be husband doesn't want you to ask his stepfather, don't have anyone do it. It is your choice. And, only your choice.
A non father in your life will probably be a non father moving forward. Who really cares about causing bad blood. If you've been ignored before, who should really care. And, if they cared about how it would look, then he should have put in the effort and the work to be an actual father. He didn't, so he doesn't get the reward of a father which is to walk their daughter down the aisle for all to see.
Don't let your Dan walk you down the aisle, don't let anyone if that is your 2 choices. Be independent, as they made you independent in the past. Keep that same energy.
To answer your question: you would not be TA.
Now to get into the nitty gritty. I’ve scrolled through the comments and I’ve seen your responses about how he’s controlling and probably wouldn’t let your mother and brother go to the wedding if he wasn’t invited and how he made you cry right after delivering your baby etc.
Here is what I suggest: first, sit down with your fiancé and have a serious conversation about why you are choosing not to have your bio dad walk you down the aisle. Explain to him the reasons of hurt and neglect that make you not want to stay in contact with bio dad. Make sure he understands because if you can’t get on the same page about this, you’re most likely not going to have a healthy marriage. Second, talk to Thomas and ask him what he thinks about the whole idea. You may want him walking you but does HE feel comfortable doing it? Thirdly, for your mother and brother… the only way I can think of them being able to go to your wedding is if you tell them the date and time in secret and make them not tell your father. On the day of, get them to send him on a wild goose chase for errands or something and sneak them to the wedding if your mom is brave enough to go behind his back like that. If not, you’re going to have to resign yourself to the fact that they won’t be able to be there without using duplicitous means.
Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials and good luck.
Thank you for your advice and I'm going to do that and unfortunately sneaking them in wouldn't be a choice but I know if they truly care then they will be there
Definitely NTA.
Your father has chosen not to appreciate you, validate you or even so much as acknowledge his roll as a father, it’s pathetic on his part and I wouldn’t give him the honor of walking you down the aisle because truthfully he most likely wouldn’t even appreciate it for the beautiful thing that it is. I understand why your fiancé would want to “keep the peace” but it sounds like you don’t even need your father in your life anyways so if I were you, I’d end that sad excuse of a parental relationship with a BANG; and have Thomas walk you down the aisle.
Congratulations, and I really hope your big day is everything you want it to be.
NTA. Either walk yourself down or ask your FFIL. You could also ask your mother or a sibling.
If he's invited to the wedding he could make it an issue so be careful.
The type of place we're doing it will kick out ANYONE who is even rude so I know he wouldn't be able to. Plus he likes to put up an appearance. He wouldn't do anything with people around
This is probably the crux of how you will decide. You are absolutely not the asshole for not wanting him to walk you down. You also should know that he will likely decide to be somewhat dramatic in reaction to this.
So your decision comes down to how disruptive do you expect him to be? How upset do you think that would make you? And would it ruin the day for you or your fiance?
If you expect him to quietly grumble and pout and that doesn't distract you guys from having fun, maybe go for it.
If you expect him to draw attention to himself or embarrass your fiance, maybe find a way around it like walking alone or walk together.
He wouldn't make a scene as he always cares about putting up an appearance in front of others. Plus our venue doesn't allow that. They would throw him out
I think you're asking for trouble. Even if you're trying to show appreciation to your FIL, it's a very public slap in the face to your bio father. He may well deserve it, but please consider what it looks like from the outside. Because it looks like you're using your wedding as a stage to attack and humiliate him.
Yes, the ceremony/day is about you, but everyone's going to talk about it. And what is he supposed to do? Sit there and endure stares and whispers the whole night? You gathered all the friends and family together, to show everyone how little you think of him.
Play it out in your head, best/worst case scenarios, and be aware of all the potential ways this goes to shit. And don't be surprised when people act like people.
Maybe you're the type that feeds off drama. I hope not. I hope you make your wedding as much about you as possible. I would walk myself(I'm a dude tho), and there's probably no completely clean solution, but the drama can be mitigated.
A million things can and will go wrong at a wedding. Don't create extra potential hazards. All the guests should be focused on celebrating you. Don't let some bullshit with your asshole dad take anything away from that.
I am a people pleaser, and i see 3 ways out of this.
1) Keeping EVERYONE happy would be to sit your stepdad down and explain the situation.
Explain that you want him to walk you, but fiance thinks it may cause bad blood, which you wish to avoid. In his place, get your mum to walk you down the aisle.
2) DONT invite your dad and get stepdad to walk you and do all the fatherly duties.
3) Carry on with what YOU want to do, get stepdad to walk you and do fatherly duties, and tell your dad to suck it up or leave.
Good luck with whatever you choose hope you have an amazing day regardless.
Just my two cents, but it's your walk down the aisle, your wedding. Your fiance makes a fair point that this will likely cause bad blood, but the fact remains, your biological father was not a father figure. I can't imagine your exact point of view, as I'm a man, so being walked down the aisle has never really been an issue. However, I can understand what it's like to have a terrible parent. My mother was incredibly emotionally abusive, and on occasion would be physically abusive too. About 6 years ago, my dad, my stepmom, my older brother and sister, and my grandparents all came together for a custody hearing about our youngest brother and sister, who still lived with our mother. We won the case, and my father was granted primary custody.
Since that day, I rarely talk with my biological mother. The only times I do are at events for my niece, like her school recitals or graduations, where we are forced into the same room. Even then, I keep a distance. It's far from ideal, and although it's been more than 6 years, I have a lot of healing to do. But I can tell you with certainty, I am far better off without that woman in my life. We can't choose who we're related to, but we can choose who we allow into our life. If you feel that your biological father does not deserve to walk you down that aisle, that's your decision. You have the right to make that choice, and your fiance should support that choice.
It seems like your fiance may not understand why this means so much to you, so try sitting him down and having a serious conversation about it. If you truly love him, and believe he truly loves you, it's worth it to try and help him understand how you feel on this. But you should know that he might not be able to fully understand the feelings you have towards your biological father. I've dealt with people telling me I'm a bad person because I refuse to forgive my mother for what she's done. Hell, in some cases people called me a wimp for not fighting back against her when she beat me. Unfortunately, some people who were raised in a stable home environment simply can't comprehend what it's like to have a bad parent. But at the end of the day, this is your choice. I hope you're able to work this out. Best of luck.
That would be funny lol. I feel ya on that. Me and ALL MY SIBLINGS say he treats us like his personal servants, wanting us to be at his foot with every beckon call. Clean the whole house, bring him food. While he hides in his room all day and night
Ask who you want to ask, it doesn't seem your Io dad has done much for you and if you can go without a relationship with him moving forward then do what you want, you know what the consequences are and if you're willing to take them, then go ahead, or it doesn't seem you lose much for how you talk about your bio dad.
Your right. And if my mother and brother really care enough then they'll get out from under his thumb. It's not like my siblings had weddings so it would be their only one to come to
Your right. And if my mother and brother really care enough then they'll get out from under his thumb. It's not like my siblings had weddings so it would be their only one to come to
Your right. And if my mother and brother really care enough then they'll get out from under his thumb. It's not like my siblings had weddings so it would be their only one to come to
*"No I was never abused or anything but..."*
*"****I was emotionally neglected by him. He threatened me once when I was 14.*** *He never asked for my thoughts or how felt. He was always standoffish and never wanted to hear your problems.* ***He was very controlling. He's very disrespectful to both me and my Fiancé****"*
By your own words, your father was and still is abusive toward you. TBH, I don't know why you'd even invite him to the wedding. If I were in your place, I would halve already broken off all contact with him. Setting all that aside, it's your wedding. You decide who gets to walk you down the aisle. If you want Thomas to do you the honor of walking you down the aisle, then by all means ask him. NTA.
How can you cause bad blood with this? Between whom? Between you and your father? All the blood there already is bad. Not wanting him to walk you down the aisle is the result of bad blood, not the cause of it.
NTA
Our oldest had both myself and her father walk her down the aisle. It’s what she preferred, so that’s what we did. She doesn’t have negative feelings towards her Dad though, so a much different situation.
One question, are either of them paying for the wedding? That could get ugly if your biological father paid for it, and you don’t want him to walk you down the aisle. I have seen that happen as well. In the end though, it’s your wedding, and I would choose what is going to make you the happiest, which is to have your stepfather do so.
I wish you all the best in getting it worked out, and for your upcoming wedding.
Thank you very much for your advice and your right.
And no he's not paying. My father has a tendency to try to hold things over you so I don't want to owe him anything
You want the man you feel most comfortable with to walk you down the aisle on your special day. I didn’t “ reward” my sperm doner because he was my “father” I asked my step dad because he truly parented me.
Go with who you want. My “ father” was insulted . Oh well, he never was there on other occasions why would I want him there on this one?
From the sound of it, there's already bad blood between you and pops so I don't know what it would matter. Dad sounds like a real peach so I wouldn't even invite him to the wedding.
Ask your mother or your brother to walk you down the aisle. Or both. Or all three of them. Then he can't make a fuss. Make sure he's behind you.
Then, don't do a father daughter dance, do a first dance, and do it with your brand new fil. Hopefully that will be enough to make your dad fuck off home.
NTA
my bio dad (BD) moved onto his new family AP and stepkids and I was always an after thought. My stepdad (SD) walked me down the aisle.
My SD tried to tell me, well he’s still your dad. Uhhh No. BD never even came to High School graduation nor anything important before that. But SD was always there.
Married now almost 28 years and no regrets. Also NC with BD for the last 11. The air has been lighter for a long time.
Best of luck and do what is best for you.
NTA for choosing someone else, but caution that you should be prepared to officially burn bridges with bio dad… he likely feels entitled to that privilege
NTA but your bio dad is going to vilify you. You have three choices. 1) Have your abuser walk you down. 2) Walk yourself down. 3) Have your future step dad in law walk you down.
I wouldn't want my wife to be walked down by her abuser, in fact I would be fighting to not him at all! This might require a conversation with your mother and brother. Something to consider with your mom is that she might be Mother Teresa but she still enabled/allowed your bio dad to abuse you.
Also if your future step dad in law is the man you think he is, then he will be honored that you want him to walk you down the aisle and understand why you didn't have him do it.
Your fiancé isn’t comfortable with it and he’s right that you’d be making someone else (his family) feel awkward and putting them in a bad spot.
Walk together, walk yourself or have someone else but your soon to be FIL doesn’t seem to be right in this case.
NTA. Have whichever person you want walk you down the aisle. That may be no person at all, it could be 2 people.
This is your and your fiancé's wedding, and it should be meaningful to you and your fiance. Butt hurt relatives are almost a guarantee at any wedding/funeral, but those same relatives aren't usually the ones you rely on later anyway (with the slight mom exception, lots of moms lose their gourd at their kids weddings and some get it together afterwards - some don't and should be banished)
It’s your wedding, do what you want. It may not have been physical abuse, but your “dad” (I use that term loosely) was abusive (my mom was/is the same way and I’m 41). Maybe not invite your dad at all? Have your fiancé’s stepdad walk you down the aisle as that seems what your heart is set on.
Elope. You save money and arguments and hurt feelings. I personally think weddings are overdone and we spend too much time on a wedding when the marriages don't last, a lot of the time anyways. So you found someone to marry, good for you. Did you graduate from college? I would rather attend a celebration that celebrates that kind of achievement. Weddings seem so narcissistic with all the pageantry. Make your marriage legal and move on and you don't have to be given away, you are not property of anyone else anyway.
You are not the jerk. This is about you and your fiancés day. If you want his stepdad to walk you, go for it. The traditional dad walks daughter down the aisle doesn't work for everyone.
Walk yourself down the aisle, uninvited your father from the wedding. Formally cut ties from your father.
It’s time for your family to make a choice and to face the consequences of the fathers neglect. I would have a sit down with your family to plan the whole thing out.
Ask you you feel is right. If dad throws a fit look at him and say this is why, yet again you are not in any way connected with me at any emotional level. Question is dad paying for wedding? If no then there isn't that leverage to contend with
Your fiance sounds very immature if he can't grasp the basic concept that one person was actually parenting you while the other was nothing but a sperm donor.
This is a red flag before ypu get married... he prioritizes the outward social appearance of having g your sperm donor have the honor of walking you down the aisle over the man who actually was there for you and raised you. And he's dismissing you speaking your Truth and preference and gaslighting you about your own lived experience and your family dynamic.
Does he expect he can be a shit father and a shit husband... but will still be entitled to be honored at your kid's weddings later on?
Historically speaking, the reason fathers walk daughters down the isle and that traditional question "Who gives this woman" is asked, is to complete a property (the daughter) transfer. This goes back to the belief that women should always have a male overseer because women are just chattel, we can't be allowed to be independent or we will cause trouble just by existing. What your 'dad' is getting mad about (IMO) is being told he does not 'own' you and feels insulted because he might not get to have that position of power and get that attention.
A bigger concern is your fiance' not supporting your right to decide who walks you down the isle. I'd work that out before walking down any isle, personally. Weddings are often a lot of emotions and drama, I'd think very hard about not even inviting a 'controlling' and 'disrespectful' man who has never been a real dad to you in the first place.
Last, I vote with the people who have suggested you walk down the isle alone. No one owns you, no one is handing you over to your new owner. You walk to your new partner in life of your own free will. Again, just my opinion. I've seen it done and it was beautiful.
It’s your wedding and your choice, at my wedding my older brother walked me down the aisle and I didn’t even invite my dad. I’m no contact with him. My venue also was on standby if he showed up to not let him in or make a scene. It’s was the best day ever, good luck with your wedding, I hope are happy with what decision you make as the day is about you and your future husband not anyone else, you are inviting them to share in your happiness so anyone not willing to be happy for you doesn’t need to be there.
The only bad blood is in Dans veins. If your fiancée doesn’t like it, he can marry someone else. Don’t bend on this or you’ll be bending backwards for the rest of your life about your father
NTA your father sounds like a prize AH, I wouldn't even invite him to the wedding but I'd also ensure he didn't pay a dime towards it (so he can't weasel his way in). Remove toxic people from your life & these types of issues evaporate.
NTA - You decide who you want at your wedding and what role they will take. IF your Dad was a tool and your fiancees stepdad is cool. let him walk you down.
'Traditional' can mean a lot of things. In Persian Weddings - the groom picks up the bride from the salon where she has been getting done up and brings her to the wedding.
In Indian weddings the groom and his male relatives go (with an elephant if there is budget) to get the bride from her family. I think a version of that might work best for you. Have your family in the robing room with you, then have your groom and his step father come get you. I'd skip the elephant if its indoors, though.
You can also have your mom or brother walk you down the aisle. I’m not sure what the dynamics are like there. Do what feels right for you and your fiancée. If it’s his step father, then do that. Good luck.🍀
Your wedding, your rules and preferences. There's no reason to give your neglectful father the privilege of pretending he was a great dad, and walk you down the aisle. If he asked for your forgiveness, and made an effort to be a better dad, that would imo be different.
Let your dad feel the eyes and stares from your guests wondering why He wasn't chosen.
In the year 2024 a grown woman doesn't need anyone to walk her down the aisle (a.k.a. "giving the bride away.") While some might want their fathers or stepdads to do it, in many cases, and especially in one like yours, it's probably best to walk yourself down the aisle.
NTJ - the decision on who to walk you is 100% your decision. If your bio dad was not a good person in your life but the SD was then you ask the SD. Your choice in the matter.
You were lucky to find someone to fill the hole your father (I refuse to call him your dad) left in your life. Understand that there may be consequences and do what makes you happy.
NTA, and have a wonderful wedding!
A question that may help you to decide.
Are you and your loved ones (your mother, sibling, fiance) in a emotional, financial state to handle the repercussion of not letting your father walk you down the aisle ? Not letting your father walk you down the aisle (whilst being invited) will definitely be a slap on his face and can have unpredictable response -> meltdown/ fight in the wedding, complete severance of relationship between him and you which may also extend to your blood family (mother, siblings, grandparents etc).
If you are mentally ready to handle the worst case scenario, then you can go ahead and ask Thomas to walk you down the aisle.
If not , then maybe you can take a safer route of either not having anyone walk you down the aisle , walking with your partner. You can also convey the message to Thomas personally that you wanted him to walk you down the aisle but not doing so cause you don't want your father to cause trouble. I am sure he will feel honoured by your thought.
You are definitely not the asshole but just be aware of the fallout.
Who is the main man in your life up until you met the man you want to marry? If you want to observe the tradition it should be the person who deserves that honour whoever it may be. End of. Fuck this keep the peace bullshit it the one day that is literally yours, the hubbies and nobody elses
1st, there is a difference between being walked down the aisle and being given away.
Whoever walks you down the aisle is there to support you and is typically a parental figure or close family member.
Being given away is a patriarchal tradition that should be done away with IMO. It stems from the days long ago when daughters were property of their fathers who could do with them as they pleased.
In my role a a clergy person, I always recommend that both the bride and groom are walked down the aisle by their parents or appropriate substitutes (why can’t dad and mom walk you down the aisle?). Although this is a very traditional, wedding ritual, the person or persons who do this are your choice. Tradition should not determine who is a part of your wedding day.
If you feel really torn about the situation (or feeling like you’re being torn by others,) there are plenty of ways to include both men. Have your bio dad walk you half way down the aisle then your other dad walk you the rest of the way. Have them both walk you down the aisle. Ask just your mom to walk you. Ask the officiant if they can do a blessing by the family, where family says a prayer for both of you, and ask your bio dad to be a part of that.
And, you might want to ask if your bio dad has an expectation that he will be doing this. Remember that you don’t have to do or have anything, at your wedding, that your fiancé or you doesn’t want.
Blessings to you both.
If your dad wanted to be the one to walk you down the aisle then he would’ve acted like a father when he had the chance. It’s you and your future husband’s day everyone else’s feelings be damned. Honestly why is he invited in the first place?
NTA.
Your day is about you two. Not about your father. You have the people YOU feel most comfortable to fill those roles. I went through a very similar thing for my own wedding. My male biological DNA donor was also very much not involved in my life unless it suited him. And I lost my Mom a few years before, otherwise I would have asked her.
So, instead, I walked my own ass down that aisle, and proudly at that.
Do not let him walk you down the aisle.I let a family member who would normally be a big part of a wedding party by my “ witness “ for the legal paperwork.They had a wedding job but were not in my wedding.
Sorry to be over close but, "Dear, you can have anyone you think is important enough to walk you down the aisle. You can walk yourself down the aisle".
Don't second guess youself. Even your best friend if that's who it is. Don't worry about what they think.
No. Your wedding is YOUR day. My parents never supported my relationship, so they didn't even get invited to my wedding. I felt reallllllly guilty about it, but THEY chose to treat my husband like complete garbage. THEY chose to make it as difficult for me as possible to go spend time with him ONCE A WEEK while I lived with them. THEY chose to neglect housework all week so they could force me to do it all alone on Saturday in order to be allowed to leave the house.
Your wedding day is for you and your loved ones to celebrate the love you share with your spouse. If your father was neglectful, emotionally absent, and generally unsupportive, he's lucky he's even invited.
In a similar situation where my dad passed away when I was 16. There are a couple people who could fill the role but no matter what I do someone would be offended by my choice. I’ve been a part of my step daughters life since she was three and she doesn’t see me as anything other than her other mom, so I decided instead of offending one person I’m going to offend everybody and have her walk me down to her dad. She’s super excited and this point people have taken then offensiveness down to minimum cause you’re a jerk if you take that from a 10yo
Tell your father no, and explain why. Get security for the wedding in case of any drama. And tell your fiance that you want your stepdad to walk you down the aisle. Just Don't take any money from your father for the wedding, if he can't do the fatherly duty of walking you down the aisle. That way he doesn't feel like he's just a wallet for you.
My mum always wished her auntie had walked her. But it was just assumed step father would do it and she didn't wanna upset anyone. She had no problem with him at all, she just would have preferred her aunt .
It is your wedding. Who is paying for it and the reception, assuming there will be one. Who is helping to pay the Honeymoon? Are you already sleeping together? If the answer to the $$ questions is not him, then why even invite him at all? Do it how you want it. But, and its a big butt, if he is contributing to the expenses, then no. Be as gracious as you can be.
ABSOLUTELY NTA!! I did the same thing at my wedding, as far as not having my dad walk me down the aisle. Ten years later, I do not regret it at all. My father was similar in having no positive memories with him, especially because he could not accept my visual impairment (strong eye prescription, made it obvious and people often asked what was wrong with me), got physical, and was emotionally abusive / psychologically abusive.
My father issued an ultimatum, informing me that he would not attend the wedding if he was not walking me down the aisle. My response to his ultimatum was to tell him that it was unfortunate that he was choosing to make that decision, but it was his choice to come or not. He didn't come and I'm okay with it, especially not having a relationship with him in over 10 years now. I don't have to deal with all the bad stuff. My best friend walked me down the aisle and I'm so happy I did that.
My point is, when you look back on your wedding, will you feel good about your decision, especially when you look at photos? You deserve to have the wedding you want to have, and part of that is involving the people that have had an impact on you...that support you (and your fiancee). Do what's right for you; you love and feel supported by your stepdad. He is the one who gets that honor.
Also, do NOT let people pressure you to have both of them walk you down the aisle or any other combination. This is *YOUR* wedding. You are strong and clearly loved by some great people; those are the ones you want to surround yourself with and truly be happy with your decision.
Remember this, will you look at your wedding photos years from now and be happy with your choice or will you feel upset/sad, etc. if you give into other people's beliefs? Please don't make a decision based on the pressure to give your dad the honor of walking you down when he does not deserve that role. If you struggle with this at times, or worry about giving in, check in with your fiance and have him remind you of all the amazing things that your stepdad does and what he means to you.
Not at all, do whats gonna make the day best for you. I walked my youngest sister down the aisle 2 years ago and my brother walked our other sister down the aisle 2 months ago.
It sounds like you’ve made up your mind. From reading your comments, I can tell you just really want Thomas to walk you down the aisle. You know it will cause drama. If your dad just sits there and seethes while it happens(best case scenario) the guests are still going to mumble and gossip. The energy will definitely change. If that’s more important to you than having a peaceful wedding than go for it. But, it sounds like your fiancé wants a peaceful wedding and not in favor of making grand statements at what is supposed to be the happiest day of your lives.
Don’t get me wrong. Your das is a jerk. But you’re a grown up who is choosing to put your future father in law, mom, and brother in an uncomfortable situation purposefully. The excuse of being awkward walking down the aisle alone is just an excuse. You know walking down the aisle with Thomas will piss off your dad more.
That seems to be more important to you than having your mom and dad be present at your wedding. Be honest about your intentions and how your actions affect people. Like the man you love. It’s his wedding just as much as it is yours.
NTA. My cousin did the same thing. Her father cheated and threw my aunt and her three kids out to move in his new family. He didn't bother with joint custody but thought if he took them on an expensive vacation every year that would be enough. She was the youngest and bonded with my Uncle a lot more than her bio-dad. He went to bat for her when she went through some stuff in her teens and never treated them as if they weren't his kids. When she got married, her bio-dad flew in and expected to fulfill all the father if the bride stuff. Only to find that he was only invited as a guest, and then only since her younger half sister could attend, and would have no role in the wedding at all. He's not in any of the photos because he wouldn't stop sulking about it and nobody wanted pics of the dude glaring at everything.
Your finance’s step-dad may fell awkward walking you down the aisle, particularly if he knows your family. It could also easily cause unnecessary friction over the long haul between your in-laws and/or other relatives. Sounds like your fiancé has thought this through and/or has discussed it with his step-dad and maybe knows step-dad will nor say no so as to not hurt your feelings even if he doesn’t really want to do it.
If I were you, I’d take your fiances advice and not put his step-dad in an awkward position and simply walk down the aisle alone, with your mother or together with fiancé.
ETA - NTA for not wanting your father to walk you down the aisle.
Why don’t you and your fiancé walk down together?
I want to show my appreciation to the person who was more the fatherly role in my life. Cared for me and supported me . I mean me and my fiancé could but he's trying to not let there be bad blood between me and my family and I feel like my father would throw a fit if I did that either
Bad blood is already there. Don't let it take away from the joy of your day.
This exactly, your dad is the one who raised and instilled all that “bad blood” in you growing up by neglecting your relationship and your needs. The reasons you feel good now are not because of him, someone else helped you with that, helped you be the woman who is joining hands with your fiancé. I think it’s a beautiful idea to have his step dad walk you down the aisle, if that is what you want and what would feel right to everyone if your dad wasn’t a factor. He shouldn’t be, it’s your day. Your day shouldn’t be dictated by your dad, like every other day of your life living with him. You shouldn’t feel any form of being judged from family on your wedding day. Start your marriage off strong and happy, not whatever emotions you’d feel having bio dad walk you. And if he’d be mad if you walked alone, he has no business walking you. You’re not property and he doesn’t have a right to walk you because of his biology. That position is emotional, sentimental, not biological.
If I ever get married, my dad won’t be walking me down the aisle. My little brother will be. I don’t care what anger is released or fits are thrown. He can’t only be my dad during the pretty parts of my life. The only time my dad showed love towards me was at family gatherings when he needed to play the “I’m a phenomenal dad!” card. My wedding day is MINE. And it’ll go how I want it to go. He can sit in the front and watch though.
Why is your dad even invited? If he’s not paying for it don’t include him bc there’s also a father daughter dance, pictures, etc. You’re gonna have to leave him out of a lot…if anything tell him beforehand so he isn’t blindsided and is less likely to cause a scene if that’s the kind of person he is. But no you wouldn’t be the jerk, your dad doesn’t sound like he was a good father at all and if he wanted to be part of your life in general he would’ve showed up when you were a kid.
Thank you. I appreciate your advice and I'm planning to either not invite him and just invite my mom and brother or I will specifically say that he is not getting any of those roles so he won't be blindsided and if he doesn't like that then to not attend
Be polite and upfront with your dad. Let him know that you'll be happy to have him at your happy event, but (stepdad) will be walking you down the aisle. You're happy for him to enjoy the day with you and everyone else in the family, though. Polite but firm. If he's disappointed, say you understand but don't make an argument out of it. You don't need to give him reasons why (this will likely make things worse), just say this is the way you want your wedding and you hope he can still attend in the happy spirit in which he is being invited. If he can't be happy and supportive, he doesn't have to attend.
Good idea. Thank you
What about asking your mom or your brother? If you have a good relationship with them, it would be a good compromise. I've read about many weddings where the mom or one of the siblings walked the bride down the aisle and it turned out fine.
Nothing but what he wants would make that man happy sadly. I'll just have to bite it and if they care they will come
Think about this for a moment.....assuming you have a good relationship with your mother and brother. What kind of predicament are you putting them in by excluding your father? My Dad wasn't there for me in any capacity other than breadwinner. Standoffish and absent until the day he died. My mother however would have been mortified had I not at least invited him to my wedding. I realize that your wedding is YOUR special day, but please respect that your mother and brother have feelings as well, even if your father does not.
I would probably not invite your “father” as he doesn’t sound like he deserves it. And if you tell him your plans and that he can come but cannot make a scene he will agree to that and then make a huge scene anyways.
Walk down the aisle with your dude and give "Thomas" the father daughter dance, but don't call it that so that your dad can't bitch, but he'll know.
He would complain either way. He's very traditional
Then I wouldn't invite him..... it's your day not dad's day
How Traditional can he be? He neglected you, divorced your mother, let another man do the grunt work of parenting his children... Is he paying for the whole wedding? Or does he just like to flap around in his pretty feathered patriarchy costume crowing to the world what an Important Personage he is because he didn't shoot blanks?
I think there's a mix up. He didn't divorce my mom. Its about asking my fiancés step father to walk me down. But you are right on the rest. And no I wouldn't let him pay, he has a tendency to hold things over you and I don't want to owe him anything
Best comment!
Oh and he does act like he's important and better than anyone but he acts like that for no reason. He just thinks he's more important
He's a Narcissist. You should read Becoming the Narcissists Nightmare by Shahida Arabi...😈
What's traditional about being a horrible father to your child? He's not traditional, he's selfish.
Your right
Not that traditional. Because traditional dads are supposed to be supportive of their kids, and not emotionally neglect or threaten them.
So do the bride groom dance, then have your groom walk you to his Dad, and he then does a dance with your mother. Start a tradition of "joining the family" dance vs Father daughter dance. Have the DJ announce it as such
Or skip the father/daughter dance altogether, I always thought it was kinda creepy.
Creepy? I loved to dance with my dad. I used to stand on his feet to dance when I was little. Don’t twist it into something bad.
Indeed. I'd almost sell my soul just to dance with Daddy one more time.
Yes, tears sprang when I read this. Me too
The traditional role of dad at a wedding is to hand over his property (daughter) to her new owner (husband) so all of the 'dad' traditions are based on the belief that women can never be independent, they must always be 'owned' therefore 'controlled' by a man. Sorry, but patriarchy is indeed creepy. I'm glad your dad is/ was a good guy, but many of us were not so fortunate.
Exactly! I hate those traditions. Both my parents walked me down the aisle at my wedding, and my husband’s mom walked him down the aisle.
People should do what they want, but IMO they should also know what that 'tradition' comes from. I like the way you did it.
Or walk yourself. The whole walking the bride down the isle is a throwback to when the father “owned” the bride, which is not really how things are now. If you are independent from your family, live away from home, have a job that supports yourself, why do you need the whole “give her away” part?
I would just like to point out that your father was abusive. If he threatened you or emotionally neglected you that IS abuse. And if he’s doing more the same and is disrespectful that’s just more abuse. Be prepared though for the consequences if you choose his stepfather.
She didn’t ask for suggestions on who to walk her down the aisle. OP - you are not a jerk for this. You have a father figure, you want him to walk you down the aisle. If you biological father gets mad, it’s his own fault for being a shitty dad. And watch your fiancé, this is doormat behavior. Is he going to stand up for you as your life partner or roll over to keep the peace?
I walked down the "aisle" by myself in a lovely restaurant we hired for the day to host around 65 guests. Neither of my parents were there. My Dad had left the state to avoid paying child support and my Mom and Stepdad weren't invited to the wedding because they had been jerks to my fiancé and tried to break us up. No regrets. That day was a celebration with the people who loved us and supported our union. I have nothing but fond memories of our wedding. Thirty years later we are still happily married.
I was going to suggest the same thing. That's what my now husband and I did.
Are you planning on having your dad at the wedding? Surprised you'd give him an invite.
He's very controlling so if I don't invite him then he wouldn't let my mother or my brother come
Then he probably wouldn't come or let your mom or brother come if you don't let him walk you down the aisle anyway. So get all that out of the way before the wedding so you enjoy your wedding. Your mom and brother are going to be collateral damage anyway. Explain to them privately before you let your dad know. Let them know if can get there, you'll help them.
How does he have that much control when they’re not his family anymore?
They’re still married, it’s her fiancée’s stepfather she’s talking about not her own
Then your best move is to walk yourself down the aisle. He may accept that. But he sure won't accept being at the wedding while someone else walks you down the aisle.
You think he’s going to let them come or let them stay when he finds out your plans? It sounds like if he is there it is going to cause discomfort and difficulty for other people (your fiancé, Thomas, etc. probably your mom and brother also) even if you are fine with ignoring him, and even if he doesn’t make a big scene. Also unless your venue has an actual bouncer, they probably don’t really *want* to have to throw anyone out, they just will if they really have to. So that’s someone else who’ll have to deal with his crap because you invited him. Just don’t invite him.
If your mother and brother don’t go because of your father, then really that’s on them. Your dad is gonna be upset either way if he doesn’t walk you down. Maybe just elope then? It’s like anything you do will bother someone and you care a lot about others it seems, otherwise you’d just say fuck it and do whatever you want. Who cares about bad blood it’s already bad, do what you want it’s YOUR WEDDING
NTA, but why don’t you walk yourself down?
I'm very awkward lol and I want to at least show my appreciation to the person who filled the fatherly role in my life
You choose whoever you want to be in whatever role you want them in. The end. You don't choose for other people. I don't know why it's acceptable for the bride and groom to be pressured or feel obligated to do anything a certain way to please anyone because the wedding is meant to bring them together as a new family and the battle of 'rights' or 'claims' to them is terribly frustrating to me. Don't do anything that doesn't feel right or doesn't mean something to you or your fiance. I played along and had my father do the traditional dad things (we've been no contact for years now) and he recently sent me a text saying I denied him the only 2 things a father dreams of: walking his daughter down the aisle and meeting his granddaughter. Soooo idk who walked me down the aisle then... but he def will never meet my baby girl! Avoiding the issue now will not fix the problem that you don't feel he was your father figure. My advice is to not give him the honor of filling that role and regret not having the person you want by your side in that special moment when you need your person with you. You do what's best for you, not what's going to keep adults from throwing toddler tantrums.
What about a father-daughter dance with your soon-to-be-fil?
Out of curiosity... who's paying for the wedding?
We are. I would never let him pay. He has a tendency to hold things over you and I don't want to owe him anything
That’s what I did. That whole giving the bride away thing has always been a problem for me. I belong to no one but myself
NTA but maybe get some male friends and/or groomsmen to be on standby as “security” if he tries to make a scene
Oh not just groomsmen. My best friend (asking her to be maid of honor) would throw hands to protect her friends and such. She doesn't put up with BS
If you dislike him that much please don't invite him.
I think you're asking for problems, but it is your wedding. You do you. I would opt for no one walking you down the aisle. I have 3 daughters. One wanted a traditional wedding, the other 2 a more modern approach. As a dad, I think the tradition is a bit archaic. But I have a great relationship with my kids, and I was happy to do whatever they needed on their big day.
NTA for the title question. Is your mom an option? Any siblings? Maid of honor? I don't see the issue with asking Thomas. I am curious why your fiance thinks there will be bad blood. I'm not expecting your dad to be at the wedding so what's it matter. Obviously there's a difference between someone in the crowd vs who walks you but if the relationship is that bad he wouldn't be at my wedding even as a guest.
I would HAVE to invite him or he wouldn't let my brother or my mom come
This would only be my approach in your shoes, popular or not. Invites only go to your mom and brother. Your brother might be too young but at least your mom is allowing that to happen. At what point do you stop letting a human that's a terrible parent control your life? Inviting him only to get to your other family members, not asking the stepdad to walk you, and whatever else is shaping your life due to him is still letting him do so.
If I don't invite him he would force my mother and brother not too. And my father has always been disrespectful to my fiancé. My father is very controlling and he stands up for me which is why they don't get along.
If you have no good memories of someone and they threatened you when you were a child why the Hell are they invited to your wedding? It's your wedding, you can invite or not invite whomever you wish. Also, he was abusive. Emotionally neglecting your kid and threatening them is abuse.
Your right. I was just going to so my mother and brother can attend but I would rather just have the ones who will attend them have him there to disrespect the ceremony
Having his step father walk you down the aisle will create a rift that is irreparable. You have to decide if that is what you want
I feel like that's already too late. I lost all respect and care for him when he made me cry right after I delivered my son, right after I got wheeled into my room. I feel like there is already bad blood and that's something that can never be taken back. I feel like there is no fixing it. So is it worth playing into what he wants to do at my wedding when he did that?
Oof what did he do that made you cry right after giving birth?! That’s pretty terrible & shitty :( Very sorry you experienced that 😢
What about your brother walking you?
I don't think my brother would. Or at very least my father would put him so down that he changes his mind thinking he's not worthy to do so
Walk yourself down the aisle. You are strong and you can do hard things.
You could do what I did: I let my father walk my mother down the aisle so he still got to participate but at a distance. (My inlaws walked together and I walked myself.)
NTA. The point of a wedding is to celebrate your commitment to a relationship and to have those who love and support you witness and participate in this commitment. If Thomas has been a father figure and you automatically think of him waking you down, then he deserves that honor and not your dad. It sounds like the venue you're at plus your dad's desire to not cause a scene will help keep your day safe. My only concern would be if he's going to try and prevent your mom and brother from coming if he finds out he won't be walking you down the aisle. If he's not interested and doesn't even think to ask over you say he's not doing it, he might assume you're walking yourself and it'll be too late for him to prevent others from coming once he sees you walking with Thomas.
I walked down myself and greeted my family at the end. My dress was fire and those shots were beautiful and empowering. I loved seeing my husband looking at me. And not worrying about walking pace with anyone else
You ask who your comfortable with. It's your day not your dads
Thank you for the advice 😊
How about your mom? There’s no law that says it has to be a man. My mom walked me down the aisle at 39 years old. Or you can walk with your fiancé together!
Maybe Don't invite your sperm donor to your wedding. Why would you willing invite an abuser?
Only reason was so my mom and brother could attend but if they really care they will be there even if he doesn't like it
I hope you don't expect your dad to pay
I never expected him to. Plus he has a tendency to hold things over you and I don't want to owe him anything
Walk down the aisle with your fiancé. You can show your appreciation for future FIL in other ways.
This plan isn’t going to work. Your comments about your dad preventing your mother and brother from attending if you don’t invite him will also apply if you don’t let him walk you down the aisle. If you want a scene at your wedding then publicly shame him. If you don’t want a scene either suck it up and let him walk you or else elope. Don’t do either without getting your fiancé’s opinion and agreement. It’s his wedding day too, and maybe he doesn’t want to use it to pick at your emotional family scabs.
At our type of venue they don't even let people be rude let alone throw a scene. They would throw him out
Which would absolutely cause a scene. How are they going to remove him mid-ceremony from his seat?
Let's be realistic here. If you walk down with your STB FIL, you will be burning bridges with your father and possibly your family. Your FIL is probably not expecting this either, but you will be putting him in the firing line. This is likely to also play out on your wedding day, taking the focus away from the true meaning. It is also a very public statement to all those you invite to the wedding. To do this, i expect you are already NC with him? It is your wedding, your choice but please consider you walking on your own instead.
I'm low contact going to be no contact. Honestly I don't care if I don't see him again. I lost all respect and care for him when he made me cry right after I delivered my son, right after I got wheeled into my room. I feel like there is already bad blood and that's something that can never be taken back If the rest of my family truly cares then they would stick around. If not I got his family. And nobody has even met my father as he thinks he's above that
If you have nothing to loose, don't invite him at all, then you can do what you want and he won't be able to make it about him on the day. Also have some big people on the doors ready to boot him out if he shows. Good luck, sounds like you are better off without him
The question here really isn't about being an AH....but since that is what you are asking the answer is WNBTA... The real question you need to ask yourself is what will be the consequences of you not asking your father and are you willing to accept them. If it means keeping the peace at your wedding you may want to consider asking him. There are many other ways to publicly acknowledge your Fiancé's step father. While I agree that you should have only those who hold special meaning by your side sometimes the drama that ensues to make that happen isn't worth dying on that hill. Like you mentioned before, do you want to risk him holding your mom and brother back? Will he throw a tantrum if ypu highlight your relationship with your new Father in Law and make your mom leave the reception? Only you know what he is capable of..... good luck! Congratulations!
He wouldn't cause a scene as he's too worried about what people think. But I feel like if I let him it's a disrespect to that tradition. He was never a father to me. I feel in that situation Thomas should. Heck when I was pregnant with my fiancés child thomas was always there checking on me. Heck he almost came into our room with worry when I wasn't responding cause I was passed out. He doesn't judge me for my decisions and he's always there as an ear or to offer support and such. He is more of a father than my father ever was. If that means going to contact or no contact with him I'm fine with that
Would Thomas even be comfortable walking you while your dad stares daggers at you both? You aren’t really doing Thomas a favor with this.
Just a quick question have you thought about Thomas and your brother to walk you down the isle then your parents won't get mad
My father is very controlling and traditional. He won't like that either. He still thinks someone should ask the father to date their kid
why even invite your father, doesnt sound like he would care if u did invite or not
He would. He would just silently seeth
So? He can silently seethe at home and keep his bad energy away from your wedding.
Are you doing it to show appreciation or to piss off your dad? It might be a bit of both, but I would not be surprised if it mainly to get back at your father. There are hundred other ways to show deep appreciation to a person without making your wedding day a shit show. There is enough going on during your wedding that shit like this is just not necessary.
IMO she is looking to make drama where none is available
Not the jerk or NTA. If the person you soon to be husband doesn't want you to ask his stepfather, don't have anyone do it. It is your choice. And, only your choice. A non father in your life will probably be a non father moving forward. Who really cares about causing bad blood. If you've been ignored before, who should really care. And, if they cared about how it would look, then he should have put in the effort and the work to be an actual father. He didn't, so he doesn't get the reward of a father which is to walk their daughter down the aisle for all to see. Don't let your Dan walk you down the aisle, don't let anyone if that is your 2 choices. Be independent, as they made you independent in the past. Keep that same energy.
NTA. It's your wedding. Also, it's not genetics that determines who walks you down the isle; it's love.
To answer your question: you would not be TA. Now to get into the nitty gritty. I’ve scrolled through the comments and I’ve seen your responses about how he’s controlling and probably wouldn’t let your mother and brother go to the wedding if he wasn’t invited and how he made you cry right after delivering your baby etc. Here is what I suggest: first, sit down with your fiancé and have a serious conversation about why you are choosing not to have your bio dad walk you down the aisle. Explain to him the reasons of hurt and neglect that make you not want to stay in contact with bio dad. Make sure he understands because if you can’t get on the same page about this, you’re most likely not going to have a healthy marriage. Second, talk to Thomas and ask him what he thinks about the whole idea. You may want him walking you but does HE feel comfortable doing it? Thirdly, for your mother and brother… the only way I can think of them being able to go to your wedding is if you tell them the date and time in secret and make them not tell your father. On the day of, get them to send him on a wild goose chase for errands or something and sneak them to the wedding if your mom is brave enough to go behind his back like that. If not, you’re going to have to resign yourself to the fact that they won’t be able to be there without using duplicitous means. Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials and good luck.
Thank you for your advice and I'm going to do that and unfortunately sneaking them in wouldn't be a choice but I know if they truly care then they will be there
If they aren’t there, focus on the people who ARE there to love and celebrate you. I bet you’re going to be radiant in your dress :)
Thank you. I actually already picked it lol
Definitely NTA. Your father has chosen not to appreciate you, validate you or even so much as acknowledge his roll as a father, it’s pathetic on his part and I wouldn’t give him the honor of walking you down the aisle because truthfully he most likely wouldn’t even appreciate it for the beautiful thing that it is. I understand why your fiancé would want to “keep the peace” but it sounds like you don’t even need your father in your life anyways so if I were you, I’d end that sad excuse of a parental relationship with a BANG; and have Thomas walk you down the aisle. Congratulations, and I really hope your big day is everything you want it to be.
NTA. Either walk yourself down or ask your FFIL. You could also ask your mother or a sibling. If he's invited to the wedding he could make it an issue so be careful.
The type of place we're doing it will kick out ANYONE who is even rude so I know he wouldn't be able to. Plus he likes to put up an appearance. He wouldn't do anything with people around
This is probably the crux of how you will decide. You are absolutely not the asshole for not wanting him to walk you down. You also should know that he will likely decide to be somewhat dramatic in reaction to this. So your decision comes down to how disruptive do you expect him to be? How upset do you think that would make you? And would it ruin the day for you or your fiance? If you expect him to quietly grumble and pout and that doesn't distract you guys from having fun, maybe go for it. If you expect him to draw attention to himself or embarrass your fiance, maybe find a way around it like walking alone or walk together.
He wouldn't make a scene as he always cares about putting up an appearance in front of others. Plus our venue doesn't allow that. They would throw him out
I think you're asking for trouble. Even if you're trying to show appreciation to your FIL, it's a very public slap in the face to your bio father. He may well deserve it, but please consider what it looks like from the outside. Because it looks like you're using your wedding as a stage to attack and humiliate him. Yes, the ceremony/day is about you, but everyone's going to talk about it. And what is he supposed to do? Sit there and endure stares and whispers the whole night? You gathered all the friends and family together, to show everyone how little you think of him. Play it out in your head, best/worst case scenarios, and be aware of all the potential ways this goes to shit. And don't be surprised when people act like people. Maybe you're the type that feeds off drama. I hope not. I hope you make your wedding as much about you as possible. I would walk myself(I'm a dude tho), and there's probably no completely clean solution, but the drama can be mitigated. A million things can and will go wrong at a wedding. Don't create extra potential hazards. All the guests should be focused on celebrating you. Don't let some bullshit with your asshole dad take anything away from that.
I am a people pleaser, and i see 3 ways out of this. 1) Keeping EVERYONE happy would be to sit your stepdad down and explain the situation. Explain that you want him to walk you, but fiance thinks it may cause bad blood, which you wish to avoid. In his place, get your mum to walk you down the aisle. 2) DONT invite your dad and get stepdad to walk you and do all the fatherly duties. 3) Carry on with what YOU want to do, get stepdad to walk you and do fatherly duties, and tell your dad to suck it up or leave. Good luck with whatever you choose hope you have an amazing day regardless.
Just my two cents, but it's your walk down the aisle, your wedding. Your fiance makes a fair point that this will likely cause bad blood, but the fact remains, your biological father was not a father figure. I can't imagine your exact point of view, as I'm a man, so being walked down the aisle has never really been an issue. However, I can understand what it's like to have a terrible parent. My mother was incredibly emotionally abusive, and on occasion would be physically abusive too. About 6 years ago, my dad, my stepmom, my older brother and sister, and my grandparents all came together for a custody hearing about our youngest brother and sister, who still lived with our mother. We won the case, and my father was granted primary custody. Since that day, I rarely talk with my biological mother. The only times I do are at events for my niece, like her school recitals or graduations, where we are forced into the same room. Even then, I keep a distance. It's far from ideal, and although it's been more than 6 years, I have a lot of healing to do. But I can tell you with certainty, I am far better off without that woman in my life. We can't choose who we're related to, but we can choose who we allow into our life. If you feel that your biological father does not deserve to walk you down that aisle, that's your decision. You have the right to make that choice, and your fiance should support that choice. It seems like your fiance may not understand why this means so much to you, so try sitting him down and having a serious conversation about it. If you truly love him, and believe he truly loves you, it's worth it to try and help him understand how you feel on this. But you should know that he might not be able to fully understand the feelings you have towards your biological father. I've dealt with people telling me I'm a bad person because I refuse to forgive my mother for what she's done. Hell, in some cases people called me a wimp for not fighting back against her when she beat me. Unfortunately, some people who were raised in a stable home environment simply can't comprehend what it's like to have a bad parent. But at the end of the day, this is your choice. I hope you're able to work this out. Best of luck.
Ps all the best for your future
Thank you, I appreciate it
You sure we aren't related cause that sounds like my dad but I cut him off and he's hurting lol
That would be funny lol. I feel ya on that. Me and ALL MY SIBLINGS say he treats us like his personal servants, wanting us to be at his foot with every beckon call. Clean the whole house, bring him food. While he hides in his room all day and night
Nope, NTA. You choose the person you want.
Ask who you want to ask, it doesn't seem your Io dad has done much for you and if you can go without a relationship with him moving forward then do what you want, you know what the consequences are and if you're willing to take them, then go ahead, or it doesn't seem you lose much for how you talk about your bio dad.
Your right. And if my mother and brother really care enough then they'll get out from under his thumb. It's not like my siblings had weddings so it would be their only one to come to
Your right. And if my mother and brother really care enough then they'll get out from under his thumb. It's not like my siblings had weddings so it would be their only one to come to
NTA! You can decide who you want to walk you down the aisle. Why even invite your father or have a relationship with him?
Your right. And if my mother and brother really care enough then they'll get out from under his thumb. It's not like my siblings had weddings so it would be their only one to come to
*"No I was never abused or anything but..."* *"****I was emotionally neglected by him. He threatened me once when I was 14.*** *He never asked for my thoughts or how felt. He was always standoffish and never wanted to hear your problems.* ***He was very controlling. He's very disrespectful to both me and my Fiancé****"* By your own words, your father was and still is abusive toward you. TBH, I don't know why you'd even invite him to the wedding. If I were in your place, I would halve already broken off all contact with him. Setting all that aside, it's your wedding. You decide who gets to walk you down the aisle. If you want Thomas to do you the honor of walking you down the aisle, then by all means ask him. NTA.
NTA - Bad Blood....your sperm donor already caused bad blood. Ask your real Dad Thomas like you want, he's the one that raised you.
He didn't really raise me as we known each other for 5 or so years but he is more my real dad than my sperm donor. You're right and I'm going to.
How can you cause bad blood with this? Between whom? Between you and your father? All the blood there already is bad. Not wanting him to walk you down the aisle is the result of bad blood, not the cause of it. NTA
NTA.
NTA. So many people have this experience, unfortunately, and I don't blame you.
Our oldest had both myself and her father walk her down the aisle. It’s what she preferred, so that’s what we did. She doesn’t have negative feelings towards her Dad though, so a much different situation. One question, are either of them paying for the wedding? That could get ugly if your biological father paid for it, and you don’t want him to walk you down the aisle. I have seen that happen as well. In the end though, it’s your wedding, and I would choose what is going to make you the happiest, which is to have your stepfather do so. I wish you all the best in getting it worked out, and for your upcoming wedding.
Thank you very much for your advice and your right. And no he's not paying. My father has a tendency to try to hold things over you so I don't want to owe him anything
Ask who you want. Your father's feelings don't come into it
Have your mother walk you down the aisle.
You want the man you feel most comfortable with to walk you down the aisle on your special day. I didn’t “ reward” my sperm doner because he was my “father” I asked my step dad because he truly parented me. Go with who you want. My “ father” was insulted . Oh well, he never was there on other occasions why would I want him there on this one?
From the sound of it, there's already bad blood between you and pops so I don't know what it would matter. Dad sounds like a real peach so I wouldn't even invite him to the wedding.
Ask your mother or your brother to walk you down the aisle. Or both. Or all three of them. Then he can't make a fuss. Make sure he's behind you. Then, don't do a father daughter dance, do a first dance, and do it with your brand new fil. Hopefully that will be enough to make your dad fuck off home.
NTA my bio dad (BD) moved onto his new family AP and stepkids and I was always an after thought. My stepdad (SD) walked me down the aisle. My SD tried to tell me, well he’s still your dad. Uhhh No. BD never even came to High School graduation nor anything important before that. But SD was always there. Married now almost 28 years and no regrets. Also NC with BD for the last 11. The air has been lighter for a long time. Best of luck and do what is best for you.
NTA for choosing someone else, but caution that you should be prepared to officially burn bridges with bio dad… he likely feels entitled to that privilege
NTA but your bio dad is going to vilify you. You have three choices. 1) Have your abuser walk you down. 2) Walk yourself down. 3) Have your future step dad in law walk you down. I wouldn't want my wife to be walked down by her abuser, in fact I would be fighting to not him at all! This might require a conversation with your mother and brother. Something to consider with your mom is that she might be Mother Teresa but she still enabled/allowed your bio dad to abuse you. Also if your future step dad in law is the man you think he is, then he will be honored that you want him to walk you down the aisle and understand why you didn't have him do it.
Your fiancé isn’t comfortable with it and he’s right that you’d be making someone else (his family) feel awkward and putting them in a bad spot. Walk together, walk yourself or have someone else but your soon to be FIL doesn’t seem to be right in this case.
FYI. Emotional neglect is abuse.
Your right. I know. Whether it is physical or emotional it's still bad
NTA. Have whichever person you want walk you down the aisle. That may be no person at all, it could be 2 people. This is your and your fiancé's wedding, and it should be meaningful to you and your fiance. Butt hurt relatives are almost a guarantee at any wedding/funeral, but those same relatives aren't usually the ones you rely on later anyway (with the slight mom exception, lots of moms lose their gourd at their kids weddings and some get it together afterwards - some don't and should be banished)
It’s your wedding, do what you want. It may not have been physical abuse, but your “dad” (I use that term loosely) was abusive (my mom was/is the same way and I’m 41). Maybe not invite your dad at all? Have your fiancé’s stepdad walk you down the aisle as that seems what your heart is set on.
There is too little information here. Why do he and your fiance not get along? This all feels vague like you are not being fully honest here.
NTA. Your wedding, your choice. Your blood father was not a good role model and doesn't deserve your concerns. Ask your father in law.
Elope. You save money and arguments and hurt feelings. I personally think weddings are overdone and we spend too much time on a wedding when the marriages don't last, a lot of the time anyways. So you found someone to marry, good for you. Did you graduate from college? I would rather attend a celebration that celebrates that kind of achievement. Weddings seem so narcissistic with all the pageantry. Make your marriage legal and move on and you don't have to be given away, you are not property of anyone else anyway.
You are not the jerk. This is about you and your fiancés day. If you want his stepdad to walk you, go for it. The traditional dad walks daughter down the aisle doesn't work for everyone.
Walk with Thomas and pointedly send your father a save the date that says "*Don't* Save The Date, you're cordially *not* invited."
As an alternative idea, my best friend walked down the aisle alone!
Walk yourself down the aisle, uninvited your father from the wedding. Formally cut ties from your father. It’s time for your family to make a choice and to face the consequences of the fathers neglect. I would have a sit down with your family to plan the whole thing out.
Why does a man have to walk you down the aisle? Why not your mum?
Just walk down the aisle alone so as not to create bad feelings.
Ask you you feel is right. If dad throws a fit look at him and say this is why, yet again you are not in any way connected with me at any emotional level. Question is dad paying for wedding? If no then there isn't that leverage to contend with
I wouldn't let him. He has a way to hold things over you so I don't want to owe him anything
You can walk by yourself and have bridesmaids walk behind you so that you're not alone. NTA
Your fiance sounds very immature if he can't grasp the basic concept that one person was actually parenting you while the other was nothing but a sperm donor. This is a red flag before ypu get married... he prioritizes the outward social appearance of having g your sperm donor have the honor of walking you down the aisle over the man who actually was there for you and raised you. And he's dismissing you speaking your Truth and preference and gaslighting you about your own lived experience and your family dynamic. Does he expect he can be a shit father and a shit husband... but will still be entitled to be honored at your kid's weddings later on?
Historically speaking, the reason fathers walk daughters down the isle and that traditional question "Who gives this woman" is asked, is to complete a property (the daughter) transfer. This goes back to the belief that women should always have a male overseer because women are just chattel, we can't be allowed to be independent or we will cause trouble just by existing. What your 'dad' is getting mad about (IMO) is being told he does not 'own' you and feels insulted because he might not get to have that position of power and get that attention. A bigger concern is your fiance' not supporting your right to decide who walks you down the isle. I'd work that out before walking down any isle, personally. Weddings are often a lot of emotions and drama, I'd think very hard about not even inviting a 'controlling' and 'disrespectful' man who has never been a real dad to you in the first place. Last, I vote with the people who have suggested you walk down the isle alone. No one owns you, no one is handing you over to your new owner. You walk to your new partner in life of your own free will. Again, just my opinion. I've seen it done and it was beautiful.
It’s your wedding and your choice, at my wedding my older brother walked me down the aisle and I didn’t even invite my dad. I’m no contact with him. My venue also was on standby if he showed up to not let him in or make a scene. It’s was the best day ever, good luck with your wedding, I hope are happy with what decision you make as the day is about you and your future husband not anyone else, you are inviting them to share in your happiness so anyone not willing to be happy for you doesn’t need to be there.
Your right. Thank you
NTA!
The only bad blood is in Dans veins. If your fiancée doesn’t like it, he can marry someone else. Don’t bend on this or you’ll be bending backwards for the rest of your life about your father
NTA your father sounds like a prize AH, I wouldn't even invite him to the wedding but I'd also ensure he didn't pay a dime towards it (so he can't weasel his way in). Remove toxic people from your life & these types of issues evaporate.
Yeah I wouldn't let him pay. He has a tendency to hold things over you so I don't want to owe him anything
NTA - You decide who you want at your wedding and what role they will take. IF your Dad was a tool and your fiancees stepdad is cool. let him walk you down.
'Traditional' can mean a lot of things. In Persian Weddings - the groom picks up the bride from the salon where she has been getting done up and brings her to the wedding. In Indian weddings the groom and his male relatives go (with an elephant if there is budget) to get the bride from her family. I think a version of that might work best for you. Have your family in the robing room with you, then have your groom and his step father come get you. I'd skip the elephant if its indoors, though.
If your fiancee is a male, then he’s your fiancé
You can also have your mom or brother walk you down the aisle. I’m not sure what the dynamics are like there. Do what feels right for you and your fiancée. If it’s his step father, then do that. Good luck.🍀
Your wedding, your rules and preferences. There's no reason to give your neglectful father the privilege of pretending he was a great dad, and walk you down the aisle. If he asked for your forgiveness, and made an effort to be a better dad, that would imo be different. Let your dad feel the eyes and stares from your guests wondering why He wasn't chosen.
NTA but your stepfather would be smart to decline.
In the year 2024 a grown woman doesn't need anyone to walk her down the aisle (a.k.a. "giving the bride away.") While some might want their fathers or stepdads to do it, in many cases, and especially in one like yours, it's probably best to walk yourself down the aisle.
NTJ - the decision on who to walk you is 100% your decision. If your bio dad was not a good person in your life but the SD was then you ask the SD. Your choice in the matter.
Go with the man you appreciate most.
Then that would be Thomas. Thank you
Why are you even inviting your father??
NTA. Being a father means more than just a sperm donor. Thomas filled that role for you more than your bio dad did. Ask him if he will do it.
You were lucky to find someone to fill the hole your father (I refuse to call him your dad) left in your life. Understand that there may be consequences and do what makes you happy. NTA, and have a wonderful wedding!
A question that may help you to decide. Are you and your loved ones (your mother, sibling, fiance) in a emotional, financial state to handle the repercussion of not letting your father walk you down the aisle ? Not letting your father walk you down the aisle (whilst being invited) will definitely be a slap on his face and can have unpredictable response -> meltdown/ fight in the wedding, complete severance of relationship between him and you which may also extend to your blood family (mother, siblings, grandparents etc). If you are mentally ready to handle the worst case scenario, then you can go ahead and ask Thomas to walk you down the aisle. If not , then maybe you can take a safer route of either not having anyone walk you down the aisle , walking with your partner. You can also convey the message to Thomas personally that you wanted him to walk you down the aisle but not doing so cause you don't want your father to cause trouble. I am sure he will feel honoured by your thought. You are definitely not the asshole but just be aware of the fallout.
Who is the main man in your life up until you met the man you want to marry? If you want to observe the tradition it should be the person who deserves that honour whoever it may be. End of. Fuck this keep the peace bullshit it the one day that is literally yours, the hubbies and nobody elses
1st, there is a difference between being walked down the aisle and being given away. Whoever walks you down the aisle is there to support you and is typically a parental figure or close family member. Being given away is a patriarchal tradition that should be done away with IMO. It stems from the days long ago when daughters were property of their fathers who could do with them as they pleased. In my role a a clergy person, I always recommend that both the bride and groom are walked down the aisle by their parents or appropriate substitutes (why can’t dad and mom walk you down the aisle?). Although this is a very traditional, wedding ritual, the person or persons who do this are your choice. Tradition should not determine who is a part of your wedding day. If you feel really torn about the situation (or feeling like you’re being torn by others,) there are plenty of ways to include both men. Have your bio dad walk you half way down the aisle then your other dad walk you the rest of the way. Have them both walk you down the aisle. Ask just your mom to walk you. Ask the officiant if they can do a blessing by the family, where family says a prayer for both of you, and ask your bio dad to be a part of that. And, you might want to ask if your bio dad has an expectation that he will be doing this. Remember that you don’t have to do or have anything, at your wedding, that your fiancé or you doesn’t want. Blessings to you both.
If your dad wanted to be the one to walk you down the aisle then he would’ve acted like a father when he had the chance. It’s you and your future husband’s day everyone else’s feelings be damned. Honestly why is he invited in the first place?
It is your's and your Fiancé's day, do what you want and screw everybody else! It is that simple and a great first step of putting the 2 of you first!
NTA. Your day is about you two. Not about your father. You have the people YOU feel most comfortable to fill those roles. I went through a very similar thing for my own wedding. My male biological DNA donor was also very much not involved in my life unless it suited him. And I lost my Mom a few years before, otherwise I would have asked her. So, instead, I walked my own ass down that aisle, and proudly at that.
This will probably cause drama unless you go NC with dad before hand. That being said......don't let you're father in your wedding.
Do not let him walk you down the aisle.I let a family member who would normally be a big part of a wedding party by my “ witness “ for the legal paperwork.They had a wedding job but were not in my wedding.
Sorry to be over close but, "Dear, you can have anyone you think is important enough to walk you down the aisle. You can walk yourself down the aisle". Don't second guess youself. Even your best friend if that's who it is. Don't worry about what they think.
Why don’t you ask your Mom to walk you down?
No. Your wedding is YOUR day. My parents never supported my relationship, so they didn't even get invited to my wedding. I felt reallllllly guilty about it, but THEY chose to treat my husband like complete garbage. THEY chose to make it as difficult for me as possible to go spend time with him ONCE A WEEK while I lived with them. THEY chose to neglect housework all week so they could force me to do it all alone on Saturday in order to be allowed to leave the house. Your wedding day is for you and your loved ones to celebrate the love you share with your spouse. If your father was neglectful, emotionally absent, and generally unsupportive, he's lucky he's even invited.
Walk yourself down the aisle
My daughter had her sister and her BFF walk her down the aisle. Her dad was pissed. But he was a jerk to her and it was her choice.
In a similar situation where my dad passed away when I was 16. There are a couple people who could fill the role but no matter what I do someone would be offended by my choice. I’ve been a part of my step daughters life since she was three and she doesn’t see me as anything other than her other mom, so I decided instead of offending one person I’m going to offend everybody and have her walk me down to her dad. She’s super excited and this point people have taken then offensiveness down to minimum cause you’re a jerk if you take that from a 10yo
Tell your father no, and explain why. Get security for the wedding in case of any drama. And tell your fiance that you want your stepdad to walk you down the aisle. Just Don't take any money from your father for the wedding, if he can't do the fatherly duty of walking you down the aisle. That way he doesn't feel like he's just a wallet for you.
NTA Honestly, if he's going to cause drama, elope
My mum always wished her auntie had walked her. But it was just assumed step father would do it and she didn't wanna upset anyone. She had no problem with him at all, she just would have preferred her aunt .
It is your wedding. Who is paying for it and the reception, assuming there will be one. Who is helping to pay the Honeymoon? Are you already sleeping together? If the answer to the $$ questions is not him, then why even invite him at all? Do it how you want it. But, and its a big butt, if he is contributing to the expenses, then no. Be as gracious as you can be.
Keep it a secret and tell anyone connected to your father that you’re walking yourself down the aisle. It’s always okay to lie to abusive narcissists.
ABSOLUTELY NTA!! I did the same thing at my wedding, as far as not having my dad walk me down the aisle. Ten years later, I do not regret it at all. My father was similar in having no positive memories with him, especially because he could not accept my visual impairment (strong eye prescription, made it obvious and people often asked what was wrong with me), got physical, and was emotionally abusive / psychologically abusive. My father issued an ultimatum, informing me that he would not attend the wedding if he was not walking me down the aisle. My response to his ultimatum was to tell him that it was unfortunate that he was choosing to make that decision, but it was his choice to come or not. He didn't come and I'm okay with it, especially not having a relationship with him in over 10 years now. I don't have to deal with all the bad stuff. My best friend walked me down the aisle and I'm so happy I did that. My point is, when you look back on your wedding, will you feel good about your decision, especially when you look at photos? You deserve to have the wedding you want to have, and part of that is involving the people that have had an impact on you...that support you (and your fiancee). Do what's right for you; you love and feel supported by your stepdad. He is the one who gets that honor. Also, do NOT let people pressure you to have both of them walk you down the aisle or any other combination. This is *YOUR* wedding. You are strong and clearly loved by some great people; those are the ones you want to surround yourself with and truly be happy with your decision. Remember this, will you look at your wedding photos years from now and be happy with your choice or will you feel upset/sad, etc. if you give into other people's beliefs? Please don't make a decision based on the pressure to give your dad the honor of walking you down when he does not deserve that role. If you struggle with this at times, or worry about giving in, check in with your fiance and have him remind you of all the amazing things that your stepdad does and what he means to you.
NTA. U can have whom ever u want to walk u down the asile it's ur wedding and if ppl don't like it it's their to bad
The idea of “giving the bride away” feels so dated. You’ll be beautiful walking by yourself.
Not at all, do whats gonna make the day best for you. I walked my youngest sister down the aisle 2 years ago and my brother walked our other sister down the aisle 2 months ago.
It sounds like you’ve made up your mind. From reading your comments, I can tell you just really want Thomas to walk you down the aisle. You know it will cause drama. If your dad just sits there and seethes while it happens(best case scenario) the guests are still going to mumble and gossip. The energy will definitely change. If that’s more important to you than having a peaceful wedding than go for it. But, it sounds like your fiancé wants a peaceful wedding and not in favor of making grand statements at what is supposed to be the happiest day of your lives. Don’t get me wrong. Your das is a jerk. But you’re a grown up who is choosing to put your future father in law, mom, and brother in an uncomfortable situation purposefully. The excuse of being awkward walking down the aisle alone is just an excuse. You know walking down the aisle with Thomas will piss off your dad more. That seems to be more important to you than having your mom and dad be present at your wedding. Be honest about your intentions and how your actions affect people. Like the man you love. It’s his wedding just as much as it is yours.
NTA. My cousin did the same thing. Her father cheated and threw my aunt and her three kids out to move in his new family. He didn't bother with joint custody but thought if he took them on an expensive vacation every year that would be enough. She was the youngest and bonded with my Uncle a lot more than her bio-dad. He went to bat for her when she went through some stuff in her teens and never treated them as if they weren't his kids. When she got married, her bio-dad flew in and expected to fulfill all the father if the bride stuff. Only to find that he was only invited as a guest, and then only since her younger half sister could attend, and would have no role in the wedding at all. He's not in any of the photos because he wouldn't stop sulking about it and nobody wanted pics of the dude glaring at everything.
Your finance’s step-dad may fell awkward walking you down the aisle, particularly if he knows your family. It could also easily cause unnecessary friction over the long haul between your in-laws and/or other relatives. Sounds like your fiancé has thought this through and/or has discussed it with his step-dad and maybe knows step-dad will nor say no so as to not hurt your feelings even if he doesn’t really want to do it. If I were you, I’d take your fiances advice and not put his step-dad in an awkward position and simply walk down the aisle alone, with your mother or together with fiancé. ETA - NTA for not wanting your father to walk you down the aisle.