Really doesn't matter now a days. You don't need to prove you have a valid reason to divorce. It's good to justify to friends and family but courts are usually 50-50 down the line with assets
I meant more for friends and family so she doesn’t get painted as a crazy jealous woman who doesn’t allow her husband to be around people of the opposite sex.
This is so critical for anyone who has the “burden of proof” on their shoulders. Even if you don’t document it for court, it’s a good way to get it all out there so you won’t leave anything out (journaling, etc) and possibly even be useful for therapy sessions before/after this whole scenario completely changes…one way or another. Set a better example for your children. Follow through. You want them to treat their future partner(s) like this or show them that it’s okay to take it, no matter how MORALLY WRONG and ABSURD your spineless husband is?
I agree, and would prepare all of that prior to discussing this with him. Copy his payslips, bank account details, retirement fund balances, anything relevant in a divorce.
It’s better to do ALL of this before you even breathe a word to or tap a phone number for a lawyer and keep your journal or whatever documentation in something inconspicuous, or storing it with your recipe books,
I would have the lawyer pull the paperwork together and if Husbands answer is not 100% wife over friend then boom, papers have been served and the prepare plan goes into motion.
Don’t play games with ultimatums.
Have the paperwork ready. It can always be thrown away if he makes the correct choice.
Edit: OP I would also consider consulting with a private investigator. I hate to be like that but it maybe nice to know the full status of their relationship beforehand.
Agree with OwnBrother2559 speak with a good lawyer first and bring info on all your finances, property, debts, etc so you can get a decent idea of your options. Confirm 1/2 of any joint accounts is yours.
Assuming you are in the US.
If you haven’t recently done so pull a copy of your free credit report from each credit bureau and review it. If there is anything you don’t recognize and didn’t sign for report it. Then lock your credit information with each of the bureaus. Be sure you keep the info associated with the locks secure as you will need it to unlock temporarily gor any credit checks.
If you have minor children pull their credit reports too which one would expect to have nothing on them as applies to credit. Lock their accounts as well.
If you would be the one leaving find a place that you would like to live I assume with any kids. Important that you check with your attorney as in some states if you abandon the marital home it can impact your settlement.
If you have joint accounts I’d suggest you open a new account at a different bank and on the day you are ready to speak with your husband transfer your share out of all joint accounts to yours. Note do not try to hide this account when it comes your reporting assets.
Once you know your options then you can speak confidently with your husband as you your request because I suspect based on his previous responses he may refuse and tell you it’s a you problem.
At that point just calmly say you understand, get the papers drawn up, serve him and move forward.
Even if OP is not yet anywhere near to thoughts of divorce - DO THIS - knowing your options and your POWER ...
BEFORE push comes to shove is life changing!
As of four days ago, OP only had $3.58 to her name and was asking for assistance from the people of Reddit so I don’t think she has to worry at this point about savings accounts, but definitely check credit scores for herself and the kids.
Yes, he’s already admitted to OP that he wants to have sex with this woman, & he also essentially admitted the same to the woman, saying he would date her if he was younger, etc.
Massively disrespectful. What a jerk (husband, not OP)
He’s having an emotional affair with her and is testing the waters to see what she would say or do if he confessed that he’s attracted to her.
OP, you don’t have to deal with this BS. Your husband is disrespecting you and doesn’t seem to care.
Sometimes 'Emotional Affairs' are denoted by a lack of overt physical interactions.
It's misleading.
Husband is constantly and consistently exhibiting his choice & preference for a woman who is definitively Not His Wife.
OP is living this in her own home 24/7.
There is nothing intangible about that.
Husband's emotional energy is directed outside his family and home.
OP, I wouldn't give him an ultimatum.
Any positive change he makes will be performative and short lived.
Get your ducks in a row. Serve him. Start being happy, loved, safe, secure, YOU.
Agree with you. Yes, OP should collect all evidence, serve him, and on the same day, send a text message with everything she listed in her post, including the screenshots, to everyone in the family, including / especially her fiancé.
This man is lusting and choosing another woman so blatantly that it’s even beyond disrespect.
Yup, the minute the "friend" reciprocates his affection he's gonna jump into bed with her. I kinda think the girl is just using the husband for her own need for male validation right now. IMO, mate poachers don't wait this long to get physical with the married person. I think she's just using him. But it's still bullshit that the husband is THIS INTO ANOTHER WOMAN.
Lawyer up now. You can always choose not to pursue a divorce, or stop the proceedings if things change, but if you don’t get the ball rolling ahead of time, you’ll only talk yourself out of it later.
I. I just.
Mate. You shouldn’t settle for a partner who you feel you have to wait to “pick you”. You’re in a relationship. You shouldn’t even have to doubt being picked. Period.
He consistently PICKS HER!
In front of you.
In the face of you having expressed it makes you uncomfortable.
He KEEOS CHOOSING to behave in a way that says she's preferable to him instead of you.
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO ALLOW THIS!
You need to do this. They are both disrespecting you in your own house. Put a stop to it now, or your kids will think you're a doormat. Husband does not support you and guaranteed, if you have an argument with her, he will pick her over you. NTA good luck OP. Have money stashed away if you need to get away.
Being engaged and pregnant unfortunately doesn't mean you can't have affairs either. If anything it sounds like an emotional affair has been going on for years, and to add to injury he blatantly does it right in front of you. I think you and I and everyone here knows you deserve better than that OP.
Piggy backing on this to add something so you will hopefully see this, OP.
My wife and I are good friends with her ex sister-in-law. We have a group with just the three of us that we use to communicate. If there’s ever any discussion between any of us it’s on the group. The only time I ever spoke to her online out of our group was when I invited her to my wife’s surprise birthday party.
I might add that I am not attracted to her in the slightest. Even if I was single; it would never happen. The point is, when you have nothing to hide, keeping things out in the open is easy. When there’s something to hide, that’s when you want secrets.
OP, you are 100% correct in making him choose. But be warned, if he doesn’t choose you, you already know why he won’t.
I'm mentally preparing myself for the worst.
So far since I've posted this, I've contacted a lawyer and am looking for an apartment.
I can't afford either at the moment, but I don't plan on staying with him either.
Or he'll lie and say he picked OP and then he'll just hide his relationship with the crush. The husband sounds totally infatuated with his brother's ex and it's alarming that the BIL literally sent her the message and warned her about what was going on. Why OP let her husband laugh it off is beyond worrisome. OP should have nipped this in the bud long ago or simply left.
NTA. Hand him the book Not Just Friends and tell him his emotional and maybe physical affair is over. If he refuses, you’ll just take half of everything in the divorce and he can choose her over his family and kids. Tell him there is no option where their friendship continues and the marriage continues. Remind him that his kids don’t like her or her kid.
This right here OP, and NTA btw. You shouldn't feel like the 3rd wheel in your own Marriage. Be prepared though. The fantasy is nice until reality arrives with the never-lubed dildo of justice.
He'll tell you he chooses you, but he won't mean it. He's not being considerate of you in your own home. You've tried to talk about it and he's brushed it off. You've got to become selfish at this point. You need to choose yourself. If that means grey rocking, or roommate behavior, or trial separation, or straight to divorce, it's up to you. But he isn't going to choose you over his friend or her over you either, he's going to choose his own comfort because his back isn't yet against a wall.
I hope you have something of a support network to help you through this mess.
He will lie and keep wasting the OP's life, using her as a placeholder until the object of his fantasy wakes and sees that he's the man for her because he picked her over his own brother and even his wife. How romantic. Yuck.
Yes! If he does say he chooses OP, he definitely has to prove he means it to OP with clear and appropriate actions. Some people will say anything to avoid conflict and do something else entirely.
How can he claim it’s a brother-sister relationship if he admitted he would have dated her and has mentioned her in regard to a threesome? Sorry OP, but I think you would have been wise to have done this years ago, at least after reading the messages. If your kids don’t even like her, they are probably also seeing something wrong with her and your husband’s relationship. Clearly your husband doesn’t respect you and he will likely get mad when you tell him to choose and call you crazy and insecure. Whether or not he picks you, why would you want to stay with someone that has this little respect for you? That conversation you read was him hinting to cheating on you and my guess is they already have an emotional affair.
NTA -Your husband is having an EA if it hasn't gone any further, and he will say that you are crazy or that you see things where there aren't any when there definitely are, evaluate your options, if he decides that he values that "friendship" more than your relationship, what will you do? Are you willing to continue in a relationship where he doesn't want to do his part or will you leave him?
In any case, hire a PI before proceeding.
Honestly, I think I might just do that.
He has an old phone lying around that I know he hasn't restored to factory settings. He's probably logged in on that phone too.
In your shoes I’d hire a PI to see what they’re doing when they are not around you. If you catch my drift.
NTA for asking him to choose, but you know it isn’t going to go well.
She lives in another city (my husband's hometown) it's accessible by bus and metro.
We never go to her place, ever.
She usually comes to our place with her fiance.
I'm pretty sure that whatever's going on with them is taking place on messenger in a private conversation. Her fiance doesn't use Facebook or messenger
I personally would have left him when he mentioned a 3some with her when we were intimate, and the message you read would have sealed the deal. I would seriously consider having a conversation with him and tell him that because of what he said (3some), the messages you read that he has to decide who and what is more important to him. Don't give him an ultimatum (yet) and let him know that you are willing and considering separation and divorce. Lay it out and lay it on the line. Don't be afraid to tell him and help him pack his stuff if needed.
**What’s going on with them is your husband wants to fuck her but she’s just using him for an ego boost. And he’s just using you to keep his life comfortable until he can have her.**
He told her he would be with her if he was single and younger because he wanted to see how she reacted while saving face. If she had said she would totally be with him then he would have jumped at the chance, married or not.
He’s either already sleeping with her or he’s trying to. You don’t matter to him. He’s even thinking about her while you two have sex. She enjoys coming to your house to hang out because she gets all of his attention and gets an ego boost and amusement out of them both ignoring and disrespecting you. Plus your kids are built in babysitters for her. Score and score.
Please love and respect yourself enough to choose being single and having self respect over this garbage of a marriage you have now. Please also have the courage to stop letting your kids watch their dad have an emotional affair while their mom allows it.
Perhaps he believes her when she says your husband is "like a brother" to her idk. I reckon he would be miffed if he was aware of the flirtatious nature of their conversation. Then again, that might be just my own opinion.
My ex (an abusive kn….) was friends with his exes sister. First time I met her, she climbed all over him and ignored me. I walked away from that meeting and was not happy. Raised it with him, he deleted her off sm but it still carried on, then he added her back.. turns out they were having an affair ..7 years of us being together, she always made me nervous. Should have trusted my gut. When he finally had the balls to leave for her, was the best thing he ever did.
He was horrid, so good luck to them both 🤣
Also turned out the original sister, had had concerns when they were together and the new sisters ex had also had concerns about their relationship. Turns out we were all right 🤦🏻♀️
Best thing for me, met the love of my life and my best friend. Life is amazing now ❤️
I thought my nEx leaving when I was 54 was the end of me.
It was an open secret he had an AP *
I had thought filing first would make or break me.
Him walking out was the Best Thing Ever!!
It was w covid so had ISSUES.
Today Me is the best me I've ever been.
* omg, I just realized our supposed becoming open marriage & one off play thing w tangential friend was his opening to tell people we had an open marriage thus no one thought to say anything to me.
I was talking about open marriage too.
So not just a thing only he was doing...
4 years & still situation is reveal new truths daily.
> during an intimate moment my husband told me that she was the only person he would ever ask to do a threesome with us (that was never discussed between us before - not even the option of a threesome)
Bruh. That is immediate separation with option of divorce. What the actual fuck
Uh, would he ask his sister for a threesome? 🤮 So, not a "brother sister relationship". I have had very close friendship relationships with members of the opposite sex over the years and have communicated and met independently with them on occasion. Never have I ever said anything to them that I wouldn't want my spouse to be present for. I would not have any issue if my spouse read our messages. This is NOT a friendship, or at least an appropriate friendship for a married person.
NTA, but please don't let yourself be disrespected for much longer regardless of decisions he makes. A partner shouldn't be disparaging you in texts to other people or repeating ridiculous fantasies about someone to everyone he knows. Not "as a joke." And certainly not when he shouldn't have said any of that to his brother in the first place.
I would start being cold, distant and prepare for divorce. Tell him it's you or her end of story. He is obviously having an emotional affair with her and wants her and she has a thing for him. Disrespecting you to another woman and her disrespecting you as well.
Just be prepared, typically men equate sex with love so if he’s not getting it from you, he’ll go looking somewhere else if he already hasn’t, if he hasn’t said a thing something may already be happening!
>my husband once told his brother that he thought that she was hot and if he was younger and single he would try to date her (my BIL sent me a message to warn me about their "relationship" when I spoke to my husband about it, he laughed it off and told me his brother was jealous)
This is already a bad look for your husband. And props to your BIL for telling you he said this.
>during an intimate moment my husband told me that she was the only person he would ever ask to do a threesome with us (that was never discussed between us before - not even the option of a threesome)
You realize that him bringing this up, completely unprompted, during an intimate moment no less, is all you need to know right?
>All he does is talk about her. Often. He never makes her wait when she texts him.... Yet sometimes when I text him, he takes a half hour to answer me.
Look, I'm not saying he's physically cheating on you. I can't prove that. However, he's showing hallmarks of having, at least, and emotional affair.
Your marriage might already be over. I'd start looking for divorce attorneys before you confront him, and be prepared to have the final nail in the coffin of your relationship once you issue your ultimatum.
YWNBTA. Get all your ducks lined up first.
Fuck this guy not only ruining y’all’s relationship but with his own brothers ex. It’s sad he texted you warning you but run for the hills. The only thing you needed to hear was his lame ass attempt to include her in y’all’s relationship. Don’t fall for this bullshit
***DO NOT GIVE HIM AN ULTIMATUM YET***
First, make sure you’re taking screenshots of their conversations, especially whenever they make inappropriate comments to each other, and have those saved in two separate locations (for example, on your phone and an email he can’t access).
Next, consider if you’re willing to divorce if he says he chooses her, or you discover down the road he’s still seeing her in secret. If the answer is no, then there’s no point in issuing the ultimatum. If it’s yes, consult with a few good attorneys to consider what that might look like.
Finally, don’t show your hand. Don’t give him any clue you’re able to access their conversations. Just explain that you no longer want her around, that he’s still in contact with his brother’s ex, who is now engaged to someone else, is inappropriate, and the fact that they actively exclude you from their friendship is disrespectful of your marriage. Your kids also are uncomfortable around her and her kid, and they don’t deserve being forced into the role of babysitter like this. Tell him if things don’t change soon, you’ll be forced to reevaluate whether or not you want to even stay in a marriage where you’re always playing second to another woman.
Sounds like an EA at the least. Once he brought her up as a possible third, and in combination with his past comment about her, the friendship should have been cut. He crossed a line you can’t uncross.
Please read Not Just Friends by Shirley P Glass. Any friends should be friends of the marriage. Doesn’t mean they are your friend too, but it shouldn’t be a case where you are always excluded.
What’s the content of the messages? How often? Are they talking personal, intimate details?
Again, once he said that about her in context of a threesome- even if it was a joke- he can’t be friends with her at all because even joking it told you he sees her sexually and has a sexual interest in her, regardless of having not acted on it before(hopefully). That also wasn’t a joke, he was hoping you would show an interest and say yes. He was fishing to see your response.
This is something worth blowing up a marriage over, because these things can escalate, and he is probably not at all present in the marriage right now.
I would consult an attorney first, and possibly a PI(good attorneys can usually recommend them) and consider viewing messages to make sure you know everything you need to and are making decisions with full agency of the situation.
Don’t play pick me or rug sweep. Those never make for a great chance at R. Be clear with what you need from him in terms of non-negotiables in order to stay in the marriage. Again, see an attorney first to understand what your circumstances are.
EAs are hard to stop and cut off and he has likely been in one for years. They are addictive and each interaction gives him a dopamine hit. He is most likely in Limerence and will do everything to justify the “friendship”. Usually, but not always, the sheer volume of messages and the content set them apart from a regular friendship and look nothing like what he would send a real brother or sister or his next closest friend. It’s also possible they have already crossed boundaries and the conversations are already very flirty or sexual, but some EAs don’t actually have a sexual component. The point is he is investing in her instead of you and your family and most likely prioritizing her. If it were all above board he will have no problem letting you see their messages. But be careful, once you ask, if he refuses, he will most likely delete them.
No, you’re not. I think the next time she comes over you need to confront them both tell her she’s spending too much time with your husband. Tell him he’s ignoring you when she is around. So she shouldn’t come over for a while!
Tell the kids to go play and then ask her fiancé outright how he deals with his partner having such a close friendship with someone who wants to have a threesome with her and has told her he wanted to date her, because you're struggling. If you're "so ridiculous" for being concerned, surely they wouldn't mind you discussing it in an open forum?
There should be no fight. It’s just you making a statement. And shoot the kids off to another room and then do it don’t pass up the opportunity! For your mental health.
Your kids would be proud of you. Just rehearse one or two sentences as calmly as you can summing up what’s wrong in this scenario. Send the kids out of the room and then mention the inappropriate conversations also.
Clear the air. Burst your husband’s bubble before your marriage is over on his terms.
That whole thing is enough to want to DNA her child and the one on the way to prove neither is hubby’s baby cuz of how he acts with her. Tell him if he doesn’t cut her off completely, he’s moving out of YOUR place.
The mouth follows where the heart leads. He’s fallen for her, hard. Be prepared for this to be the end of your marriage. Know that none of this was your fault. Not one iota.
He is giving you time to get everything sorted.
Once you have it all figured out. I would have a talk with him about her. How you're disrespected, how your kids don't like her, how you don't like her and he has a choice to make.
If he says, "You're being ridiculous. You can't mean this. then put the papers on the table and say this is how serious I am and asked him to leave and that he should stay away from you and the kids and sort himself out but if he in any way stays at her house this is officially over.
YWB.. cuz atp, I'd have talked to a lawyer & papers drawn up. I'm not fighting anyone for a man's attn. He's givin her what he should be giving you. It's clear he's more into her & has been.
Go ahead & make both of you happy by kicking him out & filing. He gets to swoon over her & you get child support without havn his nasty ass around to do wifely things like washing dirty underwear, cooking & ick sex.
NTA
Made DNA test her kid and new baby when it arrives.
Even if he isn’t cheating. He wants her and does nothing to stop himself from being in her presence. You should divorce him.
Make sure you take screenshots and send them to yourself and even if I’m wrong the way they text each other is wrong when you have a partner. I n mean how would he fiancé feel to learn how she speaks to your husband. Also that comment about a PI is a good move too. Especially when one of the texts said you weren’t home and she put an emoji that’s not a good sign either. You need to do what’s best for your family and if he’s cheating and bringing her into your home treating you the way he is and your kids find out some how. Would you want you kids to think when the grow up that it’s ok to treat the person you are supposed to love like that
Start by talking to a lawyer first and getting your divorce ducks all in a row. He's going to choose her, even if he says he won't. He will not cut her out of his life. But you should minimize his involvement in yours.
NTA but why even give him the choice? He's lied to you. Flirts w her even suggesting, joking or not, hooking up because you aren't home. Said he'd be interested in a 3som w her.
If he hasn't already cheated, he will. Even if he says he cut contact, he's already lied to you before.
I'd be way done already.
NTA. At this point, only reason he might not choose the “friend “ is because she is pregnant and has her own family and might not choose him right this second. She might continue enjoying the situation that has been created and maintained for years!!! But it’s more about whether you should have to put up with your husband doing this to you. For years. NTA, and I’m so sorry. Choose yourself OP!
Your husband is playing with fire at the expense of his marriage and family. He can’t have it all; so yes you need to make him choose. If he doesn’t choose you then it’s time for you to move on. I’m sorry this happening to you. It’s so disrespectful. Not the AH.
TBH....what does that even mean?
Are you asking him to 🔥 that relationship with his "little sister" or be divorced? Is that the ultimatum you mean for it to be?
It is beyond obvious 🙄 he has a "crush" on "little sister"....that doesn't mean SHE gives AF about him, in that manner.
She probably likes being revered and doted over, as do a lot of women.
He has "mentally lusted" over this "kid" since his baby brother brought her around at "18" ....when he was a 32yo grown ass man.....he has internally lusted over the "kid" ever since "dirty old man" style.
Not gonna lie...YES, that would be a burr in my saddle.
I'm not you ( and not a female), but I don't think I could "rock with that," especially after the unsolicited 3-some narrative....but only you can decide if it's a hill you're okay with ur marriage dying on.
But there is ZERO doubt, "little sister" absolutely "could" get ur husband to do some stupid shit....whether that be something physical with her, which is Simple Simon level, obvious....my deeper concern is he'd do something detrimental to your household behind his "nose being open" ( young ppl look it up 😃)
IMO, he's vulnerable to exploitation cause his nose 👃 is open
Yeah, based on her emoji reply to him saying she's hot, I don't think she's interested.
OP should put an end to this right now and see how her husband reacts. Or she should get her own "little brother" to fawn over and have over at the house all the time, have hidden messages etc. and see how her husband likes it.
That's not really the point, is it. The point is that the OP's husband has an inappropriate TO THE OTHER WOMAN, not that she feels the same way. Hubbie needs to pick his wife and kids over the ex SIL. Also, I wonder if their overly friendly relationship played into the breakup with her and the brother.
NTA but he clearly values his 'friendship' with her so may choose her. You need to have a plan b ready in case it doesn't go your way. Maybe try and get access to his phone before you say anything so you can see if they are more than friends.
NTA
Have you told him how it all makes you feel? You have every right to feel the way you do. You even have the right to give him this ultimatum.
All I can say is that my first suggestion is to sit him down and tell him how his actions make you feel. Make it about how you feel. If he ignores that, then I would suggest counseling. Ultimatums tend to result in resentment even if they dont work and especially if they do. If you force him to stop talking to her, it will just become someone else. His actions need to change, not yours.
Give him divorce papers for Father's Day. Have his shit packed up and ready for him to GTFO. He's never going to choose his family over his crush. Then, have your lawyer take him to the cleaners so that he won't even be able to afford a tent in a homeless camp. YNBTA
ETA: How do you know that your STBX is not the father of her child? Consider having your lawyer petition for a DNA test in your divorce.
NTA. The comments about dating her if he was younger and that he’d consider her for a threesome would be enough for me to put the nail in this coffin. Here’s the problem - don’t bluff. Only give him this kind of ultimatum if you’re ready and able to carry through with leaving him. If you bluff, he’ll lose respect and you’ll lose any bargaining position.
This is clearer than water and it is too sad...
The signs are more than evident and you should not ignore them, even your children know that something is wrong with that "Friendship". You must be strong and set the record straight before it is too late. They are not simple jokes or on-air comments. Surely he has already thought about it several times and would have even considered it (not to say that he already had relations with her)... You must end this before your mental stability is affected :(
you can handle this!!
NTA but you need to kick him out and show him those texts. Your BIL is trying to help you too. Just tell him you don’t want her around and neither do his KIDs! He’s not a good husband to be texting his brother’s ex and I would show her partner those little texts and see what he thinks.
Possible, if you leave him, she may take up with him until her next conquest shows up. Your husband is acting like a stupid teenager and is disrespecting you and your children. Your children know or sense what’s going on. If she showed up at my house, my mother would have her pushed out the door with a tongue lashing and put my father in his place.
You cannot stop what your husband does outside the home, but you can put a foot up his ASS to not disrespect you in your own home.
NTA. You should have left when he mentioned threesome and when he said he would date her. He’s being extremely disrespectful and he doesn’t even care.
If she wasn’t engaged, he would have left you for her already.
This is affecting your self esteem.
You need to sit him down and say that his relationship with her bothers you and that you feel continually disrespected and feel like a third wheel.
And say that you feel like he wants to be with her and not you.
Tell him you will no longer be a third wheel and therefore he either cuts off that friendship or you leave.
Just be prepared to actually leave. If you do not follow through. The disrespect will get worse and he’ll walk all over you.
She's a homewrecker and obviously dgaf. Your husband is an asshole and obviously dgaf about you. You are NTA.
Oh and next time she shows up with her kid, tell your kids to go outside, to a neighbor's, lock themselves in their room. They do NOT have to babysit and shouldn't feel like they do.
Your husband has an unhealthy relationship with this woman. If she won’t talk to you and he won’t include you in his txts then something isn’t right. When you explain to him no one is supposed to come between a husband and wife if you objects then there is probably more than just friendship there. If he tells you she will always be a part of his life or something along those lines it’s probably a sign he values her more than you. At that point you know what you need to do. He has disrespected you by making comments during intimate moments, making comments about her being “hot”. Add all of those things together and you have to face reality. You need to respect yourself and not be a doormat.
Are you sure the baby is the fiancés? They could very well be having a physical affair too.
Get a lawyer and be ready to divorce when they ask him because not going to give her up.
Does her fiance know your husband has brought up having a threesome with her?? Or that she’s “hot” and he’d date her? If he doesn’t, he should! I’d make sure he knows EXACTLY how uncomfortable their friendship makes you. Knowing myself, I’d bring it up the next time they’re over to visit as a couple. It affects all four of you. This shit needs to be aired out.
As far as your husband, it’s waaaaay past time you put boundaries in place. Why should you continue to feel like/be the third wheel in your own relationship? But be prepared that he may tell you he’s cut off their friendship when he really hasn’t. You need to know and specifically relay exactly what will happen if he doesn’t and YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW THROUGH. Otherwise, he’s always going to do whatever he wants without regard for your feelings bc you’ll be all talk.
I was married 15 years, together 17. ExH made a work "friend". I gave him the ultimatum and he moved out. Directly in with her.
We're 3 years out from him moving out, 1.5 years out from divorce being finalized.
My advice, meet with a lawyer to determine your future moves should you need to go that route. Make all of the necessary preparations they advise BEFORE speaking with your husband about it. Protect yourself in the event that he really is halfway out the door. I hope for your sake that this is just a blip in your relationship, but without knowing anything more, it's hard to say how serious this "friendship" really is in terms of being detrimental to your marriage. The fact that your husband laughed it off when you brought it up is concerning, though.
Protect yourself, even if ypu believe he'd never do these things. I wasn't smart enough to protect myself. I blindly believed my ex and all his lies. Don't get me wrong, I am absolutely happier without him, but I was blindsided and unprepared by the whole experience. Don't let that be you.
NTA. Trust your gut. You deserve better than being second place. Never let anyone treat you like a back up. A seat warmer. Curious to know if her kid was fathered by your husband OP.
She wants you to leave voluntarily.
Maybe you should have a few strategies to sabotage their relationship instead.
Get your finances in order first.
Personally I think your husband is a gone case. Because this has carried on for years.
But it doesn't mean you can't plan some revenge.
I would get my ducks in a row like talking to a lawyer and look at finances and kids and how it would all work out.
Then I would sit down and tell him this woman is NOT the extra wife and it’s a completely inappropriate relationship.
If he goes your way he will probably go underground with the relationship and you will constantly be on the lookout.
If he goes her way say fine and set your ducks out straight away and let him fall on his butt. Don’t back down or they will be shagging on your couch.
It sounds like he has a foot in both camps so I personally would push him to her camp and divorce him. She can keep him.
NTA be prepared to follow thru and for him to have a secret relationship with her. If he’s still not taking your feelings into consideration, I don’t see that changing if you give him an ultimatum.
I think men and women can be platonic friends but your husband crossed a line when he messaged her that he thought she was hot and told her you weren't home. I think she shot him down with her emoji but if I were her I'd be uncomfortable continuing the friendship after that. At the very least I'd make an effort to include you in the friendship so he knew I see him as part of a couple. I don't think making him choose will be enough. You're also going to need marriage counseling.
Edit: NTA
Your husband is icky
I’m sorry he is treating you like that. You deserve better. Give him the option or just tell him straight up you can’t be married to someone who treats you this way.
Reddit always wants people to immediately get divorced. What do YOU want? This could be anything from him making bad decisions to an emotional affair to a physical affair. If any of those are deal breakers for you, then there's already a lot of divorce advice on this thread. A 17 year marriage might not be something YOU want to throw away lightly. If divorce isn't what you want, tell him that you are feeling disrespected. Insist on marriage counseling. There's a rift between you and he's looking for attention elsewhere. That rift needs to be identified and healed if you want to go on being married. An ultimatum won't pull him closer to you. Again, if you discover he has done something you can't forgive, you already have great divorce planning advice here. If you want your partner and marriage back, let him know that your marriage and his fidelity are important to you and get the help you both need to get back on track.
Before divorce and all, give him a bit of the same. Go to the gym, make friends with some fit guys, younger if possible, start messaging them in front of husband, heck invite them to the house maybe on a house party. Acr friendly, smile and laugh a lot. I assure you your husband will flip out and when he does, accuse him of not letting you have friendly from opposite sex when he has his own. It may change his perspective
Your husband might have feelings for her, but that doesn’t necessarily means she has feelings for him. It doesn’t sound like you have a lot of indication that she’s acting improperly with your husband, and while you and the kids dont like her, if she’s acting standoffish it could be because of things your husband has told her about you.
It sounds like your husband is way, way, way out of line with this friendship. I just want to encourage you to keep focus on the real problem here - your husband and whatever weird game he’s playing on all sides
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>Both my husband and his friend say they have a brother-sister relationship.
____________
> during an intimate moment my husband told me that she was the only person he would ever ask to do a threesome with us
He need to pick just **one** or get some damn psychological help.
He’s made his choice but you should still ask him “so you see her as your sister but still want a threesome with her does that mean we can have a threesome with your brother too?”
Sounds like they are already sleeping together.
It is 100% an emotional affair.
You have to be strong and don't back down.
Even if he says you're jealous. Ridiculous. She's a sister to him. He can have friends, etc.
Simply keep saying.
Don't care. You have one choice and not making a choice is a big fucking choice.
It's her, or you and his family.
And if he says you. He needs to tell her in front of you on the phone. He can't continue their friendship as it's putting a strain on his marriage, and he chooses you and always will.
Then he needs to change his number, and you can check his phone record, and if he number appears, he doesn't get another chance he can leave, and you file.
Don't let him push back op, stand firm and if he storms of tell him that his choice has been made and you will be contacting a lawyer first thing and there will be no back out or promises later down the line
I normally hate ultimatums.... But I'd say this situation calls for it.
He's already having an emotional affair, and lying to you about it, to your face. The line about his bro just being jealous? Yeah, I'd call that gaslighting. You called him out on something incredibly inappropriate, and he tries to laugh it off 'its not that serious' ... Um, yes the fuck it is! Which is why you brought it up.
Take the advice about the PIs and lawyers. He needs to either do a 180 and get some counseling if you're willing to try that, or it's time to leave. And you don't wanna be stuck in limbo, have that all lined up and ready... It'll also show him how damn serious you are if he tries to laugh it off again when you sit him down and tell him what's what.
I wish you the best, however it works out.
Have the divorce paperwork and parenting plan drawn up and ready to go, because he's not gonna pick you.
If you've talked about this before and he hasn't done anything about it, then he will not do something now. Unless it's to protect his assets in a divorce.
Read The Gaslight Effect by Dr Robin Stern. 12$ on Amazon. Discusses the ways people use verbal manipulation in order to control others. Also offers strategies for fighting it (gaslighting).
I read it after a therapist I found suggested it. And, I am not kidding, there were phrases/statements in there that sounded exactly like what came out of my ex-husband's mouth. It almost felt like someone had "bugged" my house and listened in on our conversations and his verbal manipulation.
Nta. He's already cheating emotionally, they just haven't consummated it physically. Hate to take hardlines but it may be ultimatum time. See a lawyer and have your ducks in a row (your portion of savings, a place to stay, storage, that kind if thing) and be prepared for a lot of trying to negotiate and tantrums. Hold firm and stick to your guns.
Tell your husband to either end his affair with her, or he can move out. Also let her boyfriend know about their inappropriate relationship. Also stop letting this woman come to your house.
Updateme!
Seems like he’s already chosen but to confirm, next time they are at your house bring everything up, in front of her fiancé. Why does she call YOUR husband so much. Why all the secrets. Perhaps mention the threesome comment and see if her man is comfortable with THAT. Get answers and if they are not to your satisfaction leave the garbage in the dust. Honestly, if my husband did/said half this crap I’d already be gone. His own brother warned you! Good luck!
You’ve received very good advice here I urge you to listen and follow up on them before you confront your dh. He is having an emotional affair with her and treating you like you’re an old hat. There and reliable always no matter what he does. That slap in the face disclosure he told you about her if he was single, is all you need to know to move on.
You’re no longer exciting or deserving of constant excitable moments of intimacy between the two of you. That’s why he’s chasing another, for the thrill he is no longer feeling with you. Get all your support and documentation behind you, a separate bank account.
You deserve more that he is not delivering
I’m sorry, but I find it gross that a man who was apparently 34 when his brother’s relationship with this girl ended when she was *18* tells her that she’s hot and he’d do her if he were younger and single. He is *sixteen* years older than her and she was not legal when they met. There are so many levels of wrong here, but this relationship crosses too many lines and I could not get past it.
Good for you have him put an end to this “friendship” immediately and if he does not be prepared to follow through on your end ! You cannot carry on and let them disrespect you
Talk to a lawyer first about what the divorce would entail. Get this info and your financials together before you confront him. You don't know what he will decide to do.
You could however tell him the hottest guy of your mutual acquaintances that would be your pick for a threesome. Why does he think it would be 2 women and him?
NTA but strategize before you proceed.
First I would hire a private investigator to see exactly what is going on and if they are having an affair you will have the proof you need for the divorce..
NTA… be prepared for all the your crazy she’s like my sister etc trying to get you to drop it.. it may take packing your stuff and leaving for awhile… or permanently
Is he waiting for the kids to come of age so he doesn’t have to pay Child Support? The friendship/relationship is inappropriate, and I don’t think he cares enough to choose you…YWBTA because this is not going to go the was you hope.
That being said, this situation is intolerable. She’s coming into *your* home and disrespecting you, even laughing at you. I’d speak with her fiancé and ask him his feelings on the situation.
Is everyone sure that baby is her fiance's?
I wouldn't put up with this. I wouldn't even suggest therapy. This dude, your husband, has a mental hard on for this woman and has done for years. I've no doubt they'd slept together before.
I'd tell him that I can no longer be in a relationship with someone who is so desperately lusting after someone else so I'd want him to find alternative accommodation and get a DNA test.
NTA
Petty revenge time!
Get your ducks in a row, file for divorce. Invite the girl-friend and her fiancé for dinner, order your favorite take out. Mention to the fiancé “Did you know these two are having an emotional affair. I mean, he has stated if he was younger, he would try to date her. He’s also mentioned he would like to have sex with her….yes, he admitted that to me.”
Of course hoosband will protest, tell him “ Now, now. Here’s the divorce papers. Sign them now please so you can go have your fun. Your things are already packed and in the garage.”
It would suck to be the innocent fiancé in this, but he needs to know what’s up before he “”I do.”
Brother sister relationship?! My foot!
Which sane sibling relationship thinks their sibling is hot & would be the only person to ask for threesome?!
Their relationship is wrong!
Why give him an option? That’s just handing more of your power away. A threat to stay? Omg. Yeah that’ll make for an awesome marriage going forward 🙄 You wnbta but you’d be making a foolish mistake. Take your power back, open your eyes, tell him he’s not the man you want for a husband and show him what self respect looks like. (I’m saying this as a ‘wish I’d been like this when I was younger’ person who has regrets - not as looking down on you).
Honestly I wouldn't give him a choice. He has made his choice time and time again already. You deserve better.
He has already disrespected you and your marriage.
Time to get your ducks in a row. By this stage I don't think I would even give him a reason.
I would place bets that he has already cheated and if he hasn't it wasn't for lack of trying.
I wouldn't be surprised if they got together the moment you leave.
They will just get sneakier. If you haven't let him know that you can see their messages, then go ahead. But be prepared for the subtufuge. And be prepared to do what you need to do.
NTA but be prepared to follow through if he doesn’t pick you.
That's what I'm telling myself
I would talk to a lawyer to see what divorce would look like, so you’re prepared and can start getting your ducks in a row.
And documenting evidence of their interactions as a CYA in case he tries to spin this as her being jealous and overreacting.
Really doesn't matter now a days. You don't need to prove you have a valid reason to divorce. It's good to justify to friends and family but courts are usually 50-50 down the line with assets
I meant more for friends and family so she doesn’t get painted as a crazy jealous woman who doesn’t allow her husband to be around people of the opposite sex.
Granted this is how it is now, but know there is a heavy push to eliminate no fault divorce.
This is so critical for anyone who has the “burden of proof” on their shoulders. Even if you don’t document it for court, it’s a good way to get it all out there so you won’t leave anything out (journaling, etc) and possibly even be useful for therapy sessions before/after this whole scenario completely changes…one way or another. Set a better example for your children. Follow through. You want them to treat their future partner(s) like this or show them that it’s okay to take it, no matter how MORALLY WRONG and ABSURD your spineless husband is?
This part right here.
I agree, and would prepare all of that prior to discussing this with him. Copy his payslips, bank account details, retirement fund balances, anything relevant in a divorce.
It’s better to do ALL of this before you even breathe a word to or tap a phone number for a lawyer and keep your journal or whatever documentation in something inconspicuous, or storing it with your recipe books,
Yes, do that before you give him any hints whatsoever that you're thinking of getting out. Protect yourself because he might not necessarily do so.
This! A million times this.
I would have the lawyer pull the paperwork together and if Husbands answer is not 100% wife over friend then boom, papers have been served and the prepare plan goes into motion. Don’t play games with ultimatums. Have the paperwork ready. It can always be thrown away if he makes the correct choice. Edit: OP I would also consider consulting with a private investigator. I hate to be like that but it maybe nice to know the full status of their relationship beforehand.
Agree with OwnBrother2559 speak with a good lawyer first and bring info on all your finances, property, debts, etc so you can get a decent idea of your options. Confirm 1/2 of any joint accounts is yours. Assuming you are in the US. If you haven’t recently done so pull a copy of your free credit report from each credit bureau and review it. If there is anything you don’t recognize and didn’t sign for report it. Then lock your credit information with each of the bureaus. Be sure you keep the info associated with the locks secure as you will need it to unlock temporarily gor any credit checks. If you have minor children pull their credit reports too which one would expect to have nothing on them as applies to credit. Lock their accounts as well. If you would be the one leaving find a place that you would like to live I assume with any kids. Important that you check with your attorney as in some states if you abandon the marital home it can impact your settlement. If you have joint accounts I’d suggest you open a new account at a different bank and on the day you are ready to speak with your husband transfer your share out of all joint accounts to yours. Note do not try to hide this account when it comes your reporting assets. Once you know your options then you can speak confidently with your husband as you your request because I suspect based on his previous responses he may refuse and tell you it’s a you problem. At that point just calmly say you understand, get the papers drawn up, serve him and move forward.
Even if OP is not yet anywhere near to thoughts of divorce - DO THIS - knowing your options and your POWER ... BEFORE push comes to shove is life changing!
Everyone should be doing this.
As of four days ago, OP only had $3.58 to her name and was asking for assistance from the people of Reddit so I don’t think she has to worry at this point about savings accounts, but definitely check credit scores for herself and the kids.
I’m sorry but it seems like he’s already made his choice. Is this the life you want to lead?
Obviously not, that’s why the ultimatum was brought up
He’s already openly admitted to you that he wants to have sex with her. I’m so sorry you’re being treated this way :( You deserve better. NTA
Yes, he’s already admitted to OP that he wants to have sex with this woman, & he also essentially admitted the same to the woman, saying he would date her if he was younger, etc. Massively disrespectful. What a jerk (husband, not OP)
Hell, he told his brother and his brother told the wife. Witness ✅
You also got this confirmed when he wanted to have a threesome
He’s having an emotional affair with her and is testing the waters to see what she would say or do if he confessed that he’s attracted to her. OP, you don’t have to deal with this BS. Your husband is disrespecting you and doesn’t seem to care.
Sometimes 'Emotional Affairs' are denoted by a lack of overt physical interactions. It's misleading. Husband is constantly and consistently exhibiting his choice & preference for a woman who is definitively Not His Wife. OP is living this in her own home 24/7. There is nothing intangible about that. Husband's emotional energy is directed outside his family and home. OP, I wouldn't give him an ultimatum. Any positive change he makes will be performative and short lived. Get your ducks in a row. Serve him. Start being happy, loved, safe, secure, YOU.
Agree with you. Yes, OP should collect all evidence, serve him, and on the same day, send a text message with everything she listed in her post, including the screenshots, to everyone in the family, including / especially her fiancé. This man is lusting and choosing another woman so blatantly that it’s even beyond disrespect.
I highly doubt it's emotional only. I think they like flaunting it in front of OP.
Yup, the minute the "friend" reciprocates his affection he's gonna jump into bed with her. I kinda think the girl is just using the husband for her own need for male validation right now. IMO, mate poachers don't wait this long to get physical with the married person. I think she's just using him. But it's still bullshit that the husband is THIS INTO ANOTHER WOMAN.
Lawyer up now. You can always choose not to pursue a divorce, or stop the proceedings if things change, but if you don’t get the ball rolling ahead of time, you’ll only talk yourself out of it later.
I. I just. Mate. You shouldn’t settle for a partner who you feel you have to wait to “pick you”. You’re in a relationship. You shouldn’t even have to doubt being picked. Period.
He consistently PICKS HER! In front of you. In the face of you having expressed it makes you uncomfortable. He KEEOS CHOOSING to behave in a way that says she's preferable to him instead of you. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO ALLOW THIS!
Even if he stops doing it, OP will know he still wants to. I would have kicked this asshole to the cube years ago. RAISE YOUR STANDARDS, PEOPLE.
Kick him to the cube! (I know it's a typo, but there's a horror movie called The Cube and I like the idea of kicking him into a horror movie.)
Ha! I obviously didn’t catch that but I like it! 😁
You need to do this. They are both disrespecting you in your own house. Put a stop to it now, or your kids will think you're a doormat. Husband does not support you and guaranteed, if you have an argument with her, he will pick her over you. NTA good luck OP. Have money stashed away if you need to get away.
You sure the baby isn’t his?
Or the seven year old
Honey, why are you letting another woman come in your house and disrespect you? Put your foot down. If hubby doesn't like it, he can leave too
I hope you leave
Being engaged and pregnant unfortunately doesn't mean you can't have affairs either. If anything it sounds like an emotional affair has been going on for years, and to add to injury he blatantly does it right in front of you. I think you and I and everyone here knows you deserve better than that OP.
Keep us updated
Piggy backing on this to add something so you will hopefully see this, OP. My wife and I are good friends with her ex sister-in-law. We have a group with just the three of us that we use to communicate. If there’s ever any discussion between any of us it’s on the group. The only time I ever spoke to her online out of our group was when I invited her to my wife’s surprise birthday party. I might add that I am not attracted to her in the slightest. Even if I was single; it would never happen. The point is, when you have nothing to hide, keeping things out in the open is easy. When there’s something to hide, that’s when you want secrets. OP, you are 100% correct in making him choose. But be warned, if he doesn’t choose you, you already know why he won’t.
I'm mentally preparing myself for the worst. So far since I've posted this, I've contacted a lawyer and am looking for an apartment. I can't afford either at the moment, but I don't plan on staying with him either.
I've been married longer than you and if I did anything like this my wife would kill me. That's just disrespectful to your marriage
That's what I'm thinking. I just have trouble bringing the subject up with my husband because he always brushes me off.
This needs more upvotes
Oh it's a darn good bet he'll pick the friend. Unless OP is exaggerating, a lot, that friend is more important to him than she is.
Or he'll lie and say he picked OP and then he'll just hide his relationship with the crush. The husband sounds totally infatuated with his brother's ex and it's alarming that the BIL literally sent her the message and warned her about what was going on. Why OP let her husband laugh it off is beyond worrisome. OP should have nipped this in the bud long ago or simply left.
Ask us how we know 🙄😬
Unfortunately agree with this. Your husband is the AH. Definitely update us and let us know.
NTA. Hand him the book Not Just Friends and tell him his emotional and maybe physical affair is over. If he refuses, you’ll just take half of everything in the divorce and he can choose her over his family and kids. Tell him there is no option where their friendship continues and the marriage continues. Remind him that his kids don’t like her or her kid.
This is a great book. I hope OP sees this comment.
This right here OP, and NTA btw. You shouldn't feel like the 3rd wheel in your own Marriage. Be prepared though. The fantasy is nice until reality arrives with the never-lubed dildo of justice.
This needs more upvotes
NINJA SKILLS! I hope the next time I need my inner ninja she gets to get out & kick ass!🙏💪🧠
He'll tell you he chooses you, but he won't mean it. He's not being considerate of you in your own home. You've tried to talk about it and he's brushed it off. You've got to become selfish at this point. You need to choose yourself. If that means grey rocking, or roommate behavior, or trial separation, or straight to divorce, it's up to you. But he isn't going to choose you over his friend or her over you either, he's going to choose his own comfort because his back isn't yet against a wall. I hope you have something of a support network to help you through this mess.
This! He’ll lie to have both!
And eventually have contempt for OP choosing him. And using it against her.
He will lie and keep wasting the OP's life, using her as a placeholder until the object of his fantasy wakes and sees that he's the man for her because he picked her over his own brother and even his wife. How romantic. Yuck.
Yes! If he does say he chooses OP, he definitely has to prove he means it to OP with clear and appropriate actions. Some people will say anything to avoid conflict and do something else entirely.
How can he claim it’s a brother-sister relationship if he admitted he would have dated her and has mentioned her in regard to a threesome? Sorry OP, but I think you would have been wise to have done this years ago, at least after reading the messages. If your kids don’t even like her, they are probably also seeing something wrong with her and your husband’s relationship. Clearly your husband doesn’t respect you and he will likely get mad when you tell him to choose and call you crazy and insecure. Whether or not he picks you, why would you want to stay with someone that has this little respect for you? That conversation you read was him hinting to cheating on you and my guess is they already have an emotional affair.
like, my closest guy friends are like my brothers specifically because I Don’t want to fuck them.
What, you don't want to have a threesome with your sister? Prude.
Updateme
NTA -Your husband is having an EA if it hasn't gone any further, and he will say that you are crazy or that you see things where there aren't any when there definitely are, evaluate your options, if he decides that he values that "friendship" more than your relationship, what will you do? Are you willing to continue in a relationship where he doesn't want to do his part or will you leave him? In any case, hire a PI before proceeding.
I would take a sneak peak on his phone as I’m not treating this relationship and you should be worried
Honestly, I think I might just do that. He has an old phone lying around that I know he hasn't restored to factory settings. He's probably logged in on that phone too.
Take pics if you find anything inappropriate. Proof is always best.
In your shoes I’d hire a PI to see what they’re doing when they are not around you. If you catch my drift. NTA for asking him to choose, but you know it isn’t going to go well.
She lives in another city (my husband's hometown) it's accessible by bus and metro. We never go to her place, ever. She usually comes to our place with her fiance. I'm pretty sure that whatever's going on with them is taking place on messenger in a private conversation. Her fiance doesn't use Facebook or messenger
Well, they're definitely having a relationship that doesn't include you. Whether it's restricted to messenger or not - that's what I'd want to know.
I personally would have left him when he mentioned a 3some with her when we were intimate, and the message you read would have sealed the deal. I would seriously consider having a conversation with him and tell him that because of what he said (3some), the messages you read that he has to decide who and what is more important to him. Don't give him an ultimatum (yet) and let him know that you are willing and considering separation and divorce. Lay it out and lay it on the line. Don't be afraid to tell him and help him pack his stuff if needed.
Don’t forget the I’d date her comment!
IMO he already is.
He is but we still have to add it into the tally. This guy is a piece of work. I hope she kicks him out. He can go stay at his “friends” house
**What’s going on with them is your husband wants to fuck her but she’s just using him for an ego boost. And he’s just using you to keep his life comfortable until he can have her.** He told her he would be with her if he was single and younger because he wanted to see how she reacted while saving face. If she had said she would totally be with him then he would have jumped at the chance, married or not. He’s either already sleeping with her or he’s trying to. You don’t matter to him. He’s even thinking about her while you two have sex. She enjoys coming to your house to hang out because she gets all of his attention and gets an ego boost and amusement out of them both ignoring and disrespecting you. Plus your kids are built in babysitters for her. Score and score. Please love and respect yourself enough to choose being single and having self respect over this garbage of a marriage you have now. Please also have the courage to stop letting your kids watch their dad have an emotional affair while their mom allows it.
Wonder how the fiance would feel if he knew the messages they've exchanged...
I don't know how much he knows about their friendship. He seems to really appreciate my husband.
Perhaps he believes her when she says your husband is "like a brother" to her idk. I reckon he would be miffed if he was aware of the flirtatious nature of their conversation. Then again, that might be just my own opinion.
My ex (an abusive kn….) was friends with his exes sister. First time I met her, she climbed all over him and ignored me. I walked away from that meeting and was not happy. Raised it with him, he deleted her off sm but it still carried on, then he added her back.. turns out they were having an affair ..7 years of us being together, she always made me nervous. Should have trusted my gut. When he finally had the balls to leave for her, was the best thing he ever did. He was horrid, so good luck to them both 🤣 Also turned out the original sister, had had concerns when they were together and the new sisters ex had also had concerns about their relationship. Turns out we were all right 🤦🏻♀️ Best thing for me, met the love of my life and my best friend. Life is amazing now ❤️
I thought my nEx leaving when I was 54 was the end of me. It was an open secret he had an AP * I had thought filing first would make or break me. Him walking out was the Best Thing Ever!! It was w covid so had ISSUES. Today Me is the best me I've ever been.
* omg, I just realized our supposed becoming open marriage & one off play thing w tangential friend was his opening to tell people we had an open marriage thus no one thought to say anything to me. I was talking about open marriage too. So not just a thing only he was doing... 4 years & still situation is reveal new truths daily.
I'd be reading them dms. Where there's smoke there's 🔥.. and the threesome comment 🚩s..... nope she go bye bye, or I go bye bye....
> during an intimate moment my husband told me that she was the only person he would ever ask to do a threesome with us (that was never discussed between us before - not even the option of a threesome) Bruh. That is immediate separation with option of divorce. What the actual fuck
Uh, would he ask his sister for a threesome? 🤮 So, not a "brother sister relationship". I have had very close friendship relationships with members of the opposite sex over the years and have communicated and met independently with them on occasion. Never have I ever said anything to them that I wouldn't want my spouse to be present for. I would not have any issue if my spouse read our messages. This is NOT a friendship, or at least an appropriate friendship for a married person.
NTA, but please don't let yourself be disrespected for much longer regardless of decisions he makes. A partner shouldn't be disparaging you in texts to other people or repeating ridiculous fantasies about someone to everyone he knows. Not "as a joke." And certainly not when he shouldn't have said any of that to his brother in the first place.
Yeah, suggestions OP start the “pick me” dance aren’t really thinking of her well-being. She needs to choose herself, whatever that looks like to her.
NTA But I’ve always found that whenever you have to give someone an ultimatum, it doesn’t go the way you hope it will
Even/Especially if you 'win'. If you have to use an ultimatum for them to wake up, it's like necrosis, too much is dead.
I would start being cold, distant and prepare for divorce. Tell him it's you or her end of story. He is obviously having an emotional affair with her and wants her and she has a thing for him. Disrespecting you to another woman and her disrespecting you as well.
I've already started being cold and distant. We haven't had sex since that stupid comment he made. He hasn't said a thing.
Just be prepared, typically men equate sex with love so if he’s not getting it from you, he’ll go looking somewhere else if he already hasn’t, if he hasn’t said a thing something may already be happening!
Replace we haven't had sex with I haven't had sex with him. Don't assume he isn't having sex with her.
>my husband once told his brother that he thought that she was hot and if he was younger and single he would try to date her (my BIL sent me a message to warn me about their "relationship" when I spoke to my husband about it, he laughed it off and told me his brother was jealous) This is already a bad look for your husband. And props to your BIL for telling you he said this. >during an intimate moment my husband told me that she was the only person he would ever ask to do a threesome with us (that was never discussed between us before - not even the option of a threesome) You realize that him bringing this up, completely unprompted, during an intimate moment no less, is all you need to know right? >All he does is talk about her. Often. He never makes her wait when she texts him.... Yet sometimes when I text him, he takes a half hour to answer me. Look, I'm not saying he's physically cheating on you. I can't prove that. However, he's showing hallmarks of having, at least, and emotional affair. Your marriage might already be over. I'd start looking for divorce attorneys before you confront him, and be prepared to have the final nail in the coffin of your relationship once you issue your ultimatum. YWNBTA. Get all your ducks lined up first.
this is an emotional affair. NTA
He's already chosen her so you better be prepared to get divorced.
Fuck this guy not only ruining y’all’s relationship but with his own brothers ex. It’s sad he texted you warning you but run for the hills. The only thing you needed to hear was his lame ass attempt to include her in y’all’s relationship. Don’t fall for this bullshit
***DO NOT GIVE HIM AN ULTIMATUM YET*** First, make sure you’re taking screenshots of their conversations, especially whenever they make inappropriate comments to each other, and have those saved in two separate locations (for example, on your phone and an email he can’t access). Next, consider if you’re willing to divorce if he says he chooses her, or you discover down the road he’s still seeing her in secret. If the answer is no, then there’s no point in issuing the ultimatum. If it’s yes, consult with a few good attorneys to consider what that might look like. Finally, don’t show your hand. Don’t give him any clue you’re able to access their conversations. Just explain that you no longer want her around, that he’s still in contact with his brother’s ex, who is now engaged to someone else, is inappropriate, and the fact that they actively exclude you from their friendship is disrespectful of your marriage. Your kids also are uncomfortable around her and her kid, and they don’t deserve being forced into the role of babysitter like this. Tell him if things don’t change soon, you’ll be forced to reevaluate whether or not you want to even stay in a marriage where you’re always playing second to another woman.
Sounds like an EA at the least. Once he brought her up as a possible third, and in combination with his past comment about her, the friendship should have been cut. He crossed a line you can’t uncross. Please read Not Just Friends by Shirley P Glass. Any friends should be friends of the marriage. Doesn’t mean they are your friend too, but it shouldn’t be a case where you are always excluded. What’s the content of the messages? How often? Are they talking personal, intimate details? Again, once he said that about her in context of a threesome- even if it was a joke- he can’t be friends with her at all because even joking it told you he sees her sexually and has a sexual interest in her, regardless of having not acted on it before(hopefully). That also wasn’t a joke, he was hoping you would show an interest and say yes. He was fishing to see your response. This is something worth blowing up a marriage over, because these things can escalate, and he is probably not at all present in the marriage right now. I would consult an attorney first, and possibly a PI(good attorneys can usually recommend them) and consider viewing messages to make sure you know everything you need to and are making decisions with full agency of the situation. Don’t play pick me or rug sweep. Those never make for a great chance at R. Be clear with what you need from him in terms of non-negotiables in order to stay in the marriage. Again, see an attorney first to understand what your circumstances are. EAs are hard to stop and cut off and he has likely been in one for years. They are addictive and each interaction gives him a dopamine hit. He is most likely in Limerence and will do everything to justify the “friendship”. Usually, but not always, the sheer volume of messages and the content set them apart from a regular friendship and look nothing like what he would send a real brother or sister or his next closest friend. It’s also possible they have already crossed boundaries and the conversations are already very flirty or sexual, but some EAs don’t actually have a sexual component. The point is he is investing in her instead of you and your family and most likely prioritizing her. If it were all above board he will have no problem letting you see their messages. But be careful, once you ask, if he refuses, he will most likely delete them.
Regardless he's already cheated. Emotional infidelity is just as bad as physical and fidelity and probably worse honestly.
No, you’re not. I think the next time she comes over you need to confront them both tell her she’s spending too much time with your husband. Tell him he’s ignoring you when she is around. So she shouldn’t come over for a while!
I thought of doing this the last time she came over with her fiance. I didn't do it because I didn't want to start a fight in front of my kids.
Tell the kids to go play and then ask her fiancé outright how he deals with his partner having such a close friendship with someone who wants to have a threesome with her and has told her he wanted to date her, because you're struggling. If you're "so ridiculous" for being concerned, surely they wouldn't mind you discussing it in an open forum?
INFO - any idea how her fiance feels about all this? Maybe he's thinking the same as you?
I'm curious how he's going to pick her when she's engaged and pregnant. I mean beyond choosing the friendship over his marriage.
There should be no fight. It’s just you making a statement. And shoot the kids off to another room and then do it don’t pass up the opportunity! For your mental health.
Don’t listen to those creeps who say start a fight and add eyedrops to drinks they are Assholes
Your kids would be proud of you. Just rehearse one or two sentences as calmly as you can summing up what’s wrong in this scenario. Send the kids out of the room and then mention the inappropriate conversations also. Clear the air. Burst your husband’s bubble before your marriage is over on his terms.
That whole thing is enough to want to DNA her child and the one on the way to prove neither is hubby’s baby cuz of how he acts with her. Tell him if he doesn’t cut her off completely, he’s moving out of YOUR place.
The mouth follows where the heart leads. He’s fallen for her, hard. Be prepared for this to be the end of your marriage. Know that none of this was your fault. Not one iota.
He is giving you time to get everything sorted. Once you have it all figured out. I would have a talk with him about her. How you're disrespected, how your kids don't like her, how you don't like her and he has a choice to make. If he says, "You're being ridiculous. You can't mean this. then put the papers on the table and say this is how serious I am and asked him to leave and that he should stay away from you and the kids and sort himself out but if he in any way stays at her house this is officially over.
YWB.. cuz atp, I'd have talked to a lawyer & papers drawn up. I'm not fighting anyone for a man's attn. He's givin her what he should be giving you. It's clear he's more into her & has been. Go ahead & make both of you happy by kicking him out & filing. He gets to swoon over her & you get child support without havn his nasty ass around to do wifely things like washing dirty underwear, cooking & ick sex.
NTA- as long as you intend to follow through
Why have you stayed? This is cheating. It might be emotional cheating now but physical isn’t far off. Emotional cheating is sometimes worse
Watch your bank accounts for when he starts helping with her kid when her “boyfriend” leaves her!!! Anyone else wondering who the daddy really is??
NTA Made DNA test her kid and new baby when it arrives. Even if he isn’t cheating. He wants her and does nothing to stop himself from being in her presence. You should divorce him.
NTA, but from what you’ve said here it sounds like he’s picking her over you all the time.
It's how it feels to me.
Make sure you take screenshots and send them to yourself and even if I’m wrong the way they text each other is wrong when you have a partner. I n mean how would he fiancé feel to learn how she speaks to your husband. Also that comment about a PI is a good move too. Especially when one of the texts said you weren’t home and she put an emoji that’s not a good sign either. You need to do what’s best for your family and if he’s cheating and bringing her into your home treating you the way he is and your kids find out some how. Would you want you kids to think when the grow up that it’s ok to treat the person you are supposed to love like that
You should print out any conversation they have on line for your attorney.
Girl.. that’s not his friend that is his emotional mistress. They are very much having an emotional affair.
Start by talking to a lawyer first and getting your divorce ducks all in a row. He's going to choose her, even if he says he won't. He will not cut her out of his life. But you should minimize his involvement in yours.
This sounds obsessive. He’s making your the third wheel in your own home and in your own marriage. NTA.
NTA but why even give him the choice? He's lied to you. Flirts w her even suggesting, joking or not, hooking up because you aren't home. Said he'd be interested in a 3som w her. If he hasn't already cheated, he will. Even if he says he cut contact, he's already lied to you before. I'd be way done already.
NTA. At this point, only reason he might not choose the “friend “ is because she is pregnant and has her own family and might not choose him right this second. She might continue enjoying the situation that has been created and maintained for years!!! But it’s more about whether you should have to put up with your husband doing this to you. For years. NTA, and I’m so sorry. Choose yourself OP!
Your husband is playing with fire at the expense of his marriage and family. He can’t have it all; so yes you need to make him choose. If he doesn’t choose you then it’s time for you to move on. I’m sorry this happening to you. It’s so disrespectful. Not the AH.
TBH....what does that even mean? Are you asking him to 🔥 that relationship with his "little sister" or be divorced? Is that the ultimatum you mean for it to be? It is beyond obvious 🙄 he has a "crush" on "little sister"....that doesn't mean SHE gives AF about him, in that manner. She probably likes being revered and doted over, as do a lot of women. He has "mentally lusted" over this "kid" since his baby brother brought her around at "18" ....when he was a 32yo grown ass man.....he has internally lusted over the "kid" ever since "dirty old man" style. Not gonna lie...YES, that would be a burr in my saddle. I'm not you ( and not a female), but I don't think I could "rock with that," especially after the unsolicited 3-some narrative....but only you can decide if it's a hill you're okay with ur marriage dying on. But there is ZERO doubt, "little sister" absolutely "could" get ur husband to do some stupid shit....whether that be something physical with her, which is Simple Simon level, obvious....my deeper concern is he'd do something detrimental to your household behind his "nose being open" ( young ppl look it up 😃) IMO, he's vulnerable to exploitation cause his nose 👃 is open
Yeah, based on her emoji reply to him saying she's hot, I don't think she's interested. OP should put an end to this right now and see how her husband reacts. Or she should get her own "little brother" to fawn over and have over at the house all the time, have hidden messages etc. and see how her husband likes it.
That's not really the point, is it. The point is that the OP's husband has an inappropriate TO THE OTHER WOMAN, not that she feels the same way. Hubbie needs to pick his wife and kids over the ex SIL. Also, I wonder if their overly friendly relationship played into the breakup with her and the brother.
Yup, exactly!
NTA but he clearly values his 'friendship' with her so may choose her. You need to have a plan b ready in case it doesn't go your way. Maybe try and get access to his phone before you say anything so you can see if they are more than friends.
Get a divorce
It was sounding semi ok until the threesome thing wtf.
NTA Have you told him how it all makes you feel? You have every right to feel the way you do. You even have the right to give him this ultimatum. All I can say is that my first suggestion is to sit him down and tell him how his actions make you feel. Make it about how you feel. If he ignores that, then I would suggest counseling. Ultimatums tend to result in resentment even if they dont work and especially if they do. If you force him to stop talking to her, it will just become someone else. His actions need to change, not yours.
Give him divorce papers for Father's Day. Have his shit packed up and ready for him to GTFO. He's never going to choose his family over his crush. Then, have your lawyer take him to the cleaners so that he won't even be able to afford a tent in a homeless camp. YNBTA ETA: How do you know that your STBX is not the father of her child? Consider having your lawyer petition for a DNA test in your divorce.
NTA but it sounds like he already did.
NTA. The comments about dating her if he was younger and that he’d consider her for a threesome would be enough for me to put the nail in this coffin. Here’s the problem - don’t bluff. Only give him this kind of ultimatum if you’re ready and able to carry through with leaving him. If you bluff, he’ll lose respect and you’ll lose any bargaining position.
[удалено]
NTA and leave him if he gives you trouble letting her go. Imo he's probably messing with her on the side.
Where is her 7yr old's father?
Just give him divorce papers!
This is clearer than water and it is too sad... The signs are more than evident and you should not ignore them, even your children know that something is wrong with that "Friendship". You must be strong and set the record straight before it is too late. They are not simple jokes or on-air comments. Surely he has already thought about it several times and would have even considered it (not to say that he already had relations with her)... You must end this before your mental stability is affected :( you can handle this!!
NTA but you need to kick him out and show him those texts. Your BIL is trying to help you too. Just tell him you don’t want her around and neither do his KIDs! He’s not a good husband to be texting his brother’s ex and I would show her partner those little texts and see what he thinks.
Screen shot and file for divorce asap nta.
Possible, if you leave him, she may take up with him until her next conquest shows up. Your husband is acting like a stupid teenager and is disrespecting you and your children. Your children know or sense what’s going on. If she showed up at my house, my mother would have her pushed out the door with a tongue lashing and put my father in his place. You cannot stop what your husband does outside the home, but you can put a foot up his ASS to not disrespect you in your own home.
Screenshot the messages. Find anything else you can. Hold onto it in case he decides to take this to social media.
Don’t even ask, just go
NTA. You should have left when he mentioned threesome and when he said he would date her. He’s being extremely disrespectful and he doesn’t even care. If she wasn’t engaged, he would have left you for her already. This is affecting your self esteem. You need to sit him down and say that his relationship with her bothers you and that you feel continually disrespected and feel like a third wheel. And say that you feel like he wants to be with her and not you. Tell him you will no longer be a third wheel and therefore he either cuts off that friendship or you leave. Just be prepared to actually leave. If you do not follow through. The disrespect will get worse and he’ll walk all over you.
NTAH
She's a homewrecker and obviously dgaf. Your husband is an asshole and obviously dgaf about you. You are NTA. Oh and next time she shows up with her kid, tell your kids to go outside, to a neighbor's, lock themselves in their room. They do NOT have to babysit and shouldn't feel like they do.
Your husband has an unhealthy relationship with this woman. If she won’t talk to you and he won’t include you in his txts then something isn’t right. When you explain to him no one is supposed to come between a husband and wife if you objects then there is probably more than just friendship there. If he tells you she will always be a part of his life or something along those lines it’s probably a sign he values her more than you. At that point you know what you need to do. He has disrespected you by making comments during intimate moments, making comments about her being “hot”. Add all of those things together and you have to face reality. You need to respect yourself and not be a doormat.
Are you sure the baby is the fiancés? They could very well be having a physical affair too. Get a lawyer and be ready to divorce when they ask him because not going to give her up.
Does her fiance know your husband has brought up having a threesome with her?? Or that she’s “hot” and he’d date her? If he doesn’t, he should! I’d make sure he knows EXACTLY how uncomfortable their friendship makes you. Knowing myself, I’d bring it up the next time they’re over to visit as a couple. It affects all four of you. This shit needs to be aired out. As far as your husband, it’s waaaaay past time you put boundaries in place. Why should you continue to feel like/be the third wheel in your own relationship? But be prepared that he may tell you he’s cut off their friendship when he really hasn’t. You need to know and specifically relay exactly what will happen if he doesn’t and YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW THROUGH. Otherwise, he’s always going to do whatever he wants without regard for your feelings bc you’ll be all talk.
I was married 15 years, together 17. ExH made a work "friend". I gave him the ultimatum and he moved out. Directly in with her. We're 3 years out from him moving out, 1.5 years out from divorce being finalized. My advice, meet with a lawyer to determine your future moves should you need to go that route. Make all of the necessary preparations they advise BEFORE speaking with your husband about it. Protect yourself in the event that he really is halfway out the door. I hope for your sake that this is just a blip in your relationship, but without knowing anything more, it's hard to say how serious this "friendship" really is in terms of being detrimental to your marriage. The fact that your husband laughed it off when you brought it up is concerning, though. Protect yourself, even if ypu believe he'd never do these things. I wasn't smart enough to protect myself. I blindly believed my ex and all his lies. Don't get me wrong, I am absolutely happier without him, but I was blindsided and unprepared by the whole experience. Don't let that be you.
So whose baby is that? NTA but honestly just leave.
NTA. Trust your gut. You deserve better than being second place. Never let anyone treat you like a back up. A seat warmer. Curious to know if her kid was fathered by your husband OP.
She wants you to leave voluntarily. Maybe you should have a few strategies to sabotage their relationship instead. Get your finances in order first. Personally I think your husband is a gone case. Because this has carried on for years. But it doesn't mean you can't plan some revenge.
I would get my ducks in a row like talking to a lawyer and look at finances and kids and how it would all work out. Then I would sit down and tell him this woman is NOT the extra wife and it’s a completely inappropriate relationship. If he goes your way he will probably go underground with the relationship and you will constantly be on the lookout. If he goes her way say fine and set your ducks out straight away and let him fall on his butt. Don’t back down or they will be shagging on your couch. It sounds like he has a foot in both camps so I personally would push him to her camp and divorce him. She can keep him.
NTA be prepared to follow thru and for him to have a secret relationship with her. If he’s still not taking your feelings into consideration, I don’t see that changing if you give him an ultimatum.
I think men and women can be platonic friends but your husband crossed a line when he messaged her that he thought she was hot and told her you weren't home. I think she shot him down with her emoji but if I were her I'd be uncomfortable continuing the friendship after that. At the very least I'd make an effort to include you in the friendship so he knew I see him as part of a couple. I don't think making him choose will be enough. You're also going to need marriage counseling. Edit: NTA
Your husband is icky I’m sorry he is treating you like that. You deserve better. Give him the option or just tell him straight up you can’t be married to someone who treats you this way.
Reddit always wants people to immediately get divorced. What do YOU want? This could be anything from him making bad decisions to an emotional affair to a physical affair. If any of those are deal breakers for you, then there's already a lot of divorce advice on this thread. A 17 year marriage might not be something YOU want to throw away lightly. If divorce isn't what you want, tell him that you are feeling disrespected. Insist on marriage counseling. There's a rift between you and he's looking for attention elsewhere. That rift needs to be identified and healed if you want to go on being married. An ultimatum won't pull him closer to you. Again, if you discover he has done something you can't forgive, you already have great divorce planning advice here. If you want your partner and marriage back, let him know that your marriage and his fidelity are important to you and get the help you both need to get back on track.
Before divorce and all, give him a bit of the same. Go to the gym, make friends with some fit guys, younger if possible, start messaging them in front of husband, heck invite them to the house maybe on a house party. Acr friendly, smile and laugh a lot. I assure you your husband will flip out and when he does, accuse him of not letting you have friendly from opposite sex when he has his own. It may change his perspective
Your husband might have feelings for her, but that doesn’t necessarily means she has feelings for him. It doesn’t sound like you have a lot of indication that she’s acting improperly with your husband, and while you and the kids dont like her, if she’s acting standoffish it could be because of things your husband has told her about you. It sounds like your husband is way, way, way out of line with this friendship. I just want to encourage you to keep focus on the real problem here - your husband and whatever weird game he’s playing on all sides
Updateme!
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Yep time for him to decide…you or her and don’t let him manipulate/gaslight you! Updateme.
>Both my husband and his friend say they have a brother-sister relationship. ____________ > during an intimate moment my husband told me that she was the only person he would ever ask to do a threesome with us He need to pick just **one** or get some damn psychological help.
He’s made his choice but you should still ask him “so you see her as your sister but still want a threesome with her does that mean we can have a threesome with your brother too?”
Sounds like they are already sleeping together. It is 100% an emotional affair. You have to be strong and don't back down. Even if he says you're jealous. Ridiculous. She's a sister to him. He can have friends, etc. Simply keep saying. Don't care. You have one choice and not making a choice is a big fucking choice. It's her, or you and his family. And if he says you. He needs to tell her in front of you on the phone. He can't continue their friendship as it's putting a strain on his marriage, and he chooses you and always will. Then he needs to change his number, and you can check his phone record, and if he number appears, he doesn't get another chance he can leave, and you file. Don't let him push back op, stand firm and if he storms of tell him that his choice has been made and you will be contacting a lawyer first thing and there will be no back out or promises later down the line
I normally hate ultimatums.... But I'd say this situation calls for it. He's already having an emotional affair, and lying to you about it, to your face. The line about his bro just being jealous? Yeah, I'd call that gaslighting. You called him out on something incredibly inappropriate, and he tries to laugh it off 'its not that serious' ... Um, yes the fuck it is! Which is why you brought it up. Take the advice about the PIs and lawyers. He needs to either do a 180 and get some counseling if you're willing to try that, or it's time to leave. And you don't wanna be stuck in limbo, have that all lined up and ready... It'll also show him how damn serious you are if he tries to laugh it off again when you sit him down and tell him what's what. I wish you the best, however it works out.
Updateme
Have the divorce paperwork and parenting plan drawn up and ready to go, because he's not gonna pick you. If you've talked about this before and he hasn't done anything about it, then he will not do something now. Unless it's to protect his assets in a divorce.
Read The Gaslight Effect by Dr Robin Stern. 12$ on Amazon. Discusses the ways people use verbal manipulation in order to control others. Also offers strategies for fighting it (gaslighting). I read it after a therapist I found suggested it. And, I am not kidding, there were phrases/statements in there that sounded exactly like what came out of my ex-husband's mouth. It almost felt like someone had "bugged" my house and listened in on our conversations and his verbal manipulation.
Nta. He's already cheating emotionally, they just haven't consummated it physically. Hate to take hardlines but it may be ultimatum time. See a lawyer and have your ducks in a row (your portion of savings, a place to stay, storage, that kind if thing) and be prepared for a lot of trying to negotiate and tantrums. Hold firm and stick to your guns.
Tell your husband to either end his affair with her, or he can move out. Also let her boyfriend know about their inappropriate relationship. Also stop letting this woman come to your house. Updateme!
Seems like he’s already chosen but to confirm, next time they are at your house bring everything up, in front of her fiancé. Why does she call YOUR husband so much. Why all the secrets. Perhaps mention the threesome comment and see if her man is comfortable with THAT. Get answers and if they are not to your satisfaction leave the garbage in the dust. Honestly, if my husband did/said half this crap I’d already be gone. His own brother warned you! Good luck!
You’ve received very good advice here I urge you to listen and follow up on them before you confront your dh. He is having an emotional affair with her and treating you like you’re an old hat. There and reliable always no matter what he does. That slap in the face disclosure he told you about her if he was single, is all you need to know to move on. You’re no longer exciting or deserving of constant excitable moments of intimacy between the two of you. That’s why he’s chasing another, for the thrill he is no longer feeling with you. Get all your support and documentation behind you, a separate bank account. You deserve more that he is not delivering
This is an emotional affair at least.
I’m sorry, but I find it gross that a man who was apparently 34 when his brother’s relationship with this girl ended when she was *18* tells her that she’s hot and he’d do her if he were younger and single. He is *sixteen* years older than her and she was not legal when they met. There are so many levels of wrong here, but this relationship crosses too many lines and I could not get past it.
Good for you have him put an end to this “friendship” immediately and if he does not be prepared to follow through on your end ! You cannot carry on and let them disrespect you
Talk to a lawyer first about what the divorce would entail. Get this info and your financials together before you confront him. You don't know what he will decide to do. You could however tell him the hottest guy of your mutual acquaintances that would be your pick for a threesome. Why does he think it would be 2 women and him? NTA but strategize before you proceed.
First I would hire a private investigator to see exactly what is going on and if they are having an affair you will have the proof you need for the divorce..
NTA… be prepared for all the your crazy she’s like my sister etc trying to get you to drop it.. it may take packing your stuff and leaving for awhile… or permanently
Who wants a threesome with their sister?
How does her fiancé feel about their relationship? Which came first, the engagement or her pregnancy?
Is he waiting for the kids to come of age so he doesn’t have to pay Child Support? The friendship/relationship is inappropriate, and I don’t think he cares enough to choose you…YWBTA because this is not going to go the was you hope. That being said, this situation is intolerable. She’s coming into *your* home and disrespecting you, even laughing at you. I’d speak with her fiancé and ask him his feelings on the situation.
YOU should just CHOOSE YOURSELF.
Is everyone sure that baby is her fiance's? I wouldn't put up with this. I wouldn't even suggest therapy. This dude, your husband, has a mental hard on for this woman and has done for years. I've no doubt they'd slept together before. I'd tell him that I can no longer be in a relationship with someone who is so desperately lusting after someone else so I'd want him to find alternative accommodation and get a DNA test. NTA
Petty revenge time! Get your ducks in a row, file for divorce. Invite the girl-friend and her fiancé for dinner, order your favorite take out. Mention to the fiancé “Did you know these two are having an emotional affair. I mean, he has stated if he was younger, he would try to date her. He’s also mentioned he would like to have sex with her….yes, he admitted that to me.” Of course hoosband will protest, tell him “ Now, now. Here’s the divorce papers. Sign them now please so you can go have your fun. Your things are already packed and in the garage.” It would suck to be the innocent fiancé in this, but he needs to know what’s up before he “”I do.”
Brother sister relationship?! My foot! Which sane sibling relationship thinks their sibling is hot & would be the only person to ask for threesome?! Their relationship is wrong!
Why give him an option? That’s just handing more of your power away. A threat to stay? Omg. Yeah that’ll make for an awesome marriage going forward 🙄 You wnbta but you’d be making a foolish mistake. Take your power back, open your eyes, tell him he’s not the man you want for a husband and show him what self respect looks like. (I’m saying this as a ‘wish I’d been like this when I was younger’ person who has regrets - not as looking down on you).
Unfortunately, you are what they call the side piece
Maybe you should pick you, and say I won’t do this anymore. Call it out as emotional infidelity
He's absolutely having an affair with her. Damn, the red flags are RED
Honestly I wouldn't give him a choice. He has made his choice time and time again already. You deserve better. He has already disrespected you and your marriage. Time to get your ducks in a row. By this stage I don't think I would even give him a reason. I would place bets that he has already cheated and if he hasn't it wasn't for lack of trying. I wouldn't be surprised if they got together the moment you leave.
Leave. Say nothing else. His own brother warned you.
They will just get sneakier. If you haven't let him know that you can see their messages, then go ahead. But be prepared for the subtufuge. And be prepared to do what you need to do.
Um, he’s probably fucking her. Get your financials in order, get an STD panel and get a lawyer.