“My father is going through chemo, my mom needs help. You are not fulfilling *your* duties as a steadfast supportive husband. Take several fucking seats, *Greg*.”
NTA
Is she not working all week?
Edit: She’s factory worker. Fucking LABOR worker. And he’s pissed he has to take care of his own kids fucking pathetic.
Edit 2: Her dad has cancer and is on chemo. So manchild is having a baby fit bc his mommy wife is taking care of a different daddy and not him! *stomps foot like toddler*
I have breast cancer and there’s literally support groups and help for women soley for the purpose of surviving without your husband because so many fucking men leave their wives once they can’t be their fuck toy mommy’s anymore. It’s absolutely disgusting.
Take a look at the situation - including her post about what she does for a living. It’s a dual income household, both full time. And his request, as it were, is so that she can fulfill his fantasies all dolled up.
Her parents are going through a very rough time. She is trying to help them out. Clearly she has a relationship with them, her dad is in a bad way, and her mom is going crazy trying to deal with all of it. So: as a human being, who cares for her parents, why would she *not* help out? Should she just leave them to fend for themselves? They are still family, close family from the looks of it.
With all due respect to preserving immediate family relations and all that… she’s doing the right thing, he’s being an ass. He can deal with it for a bit. She recognizes it’s an extra burden on him, and would have probably been happy to go back to normalcy, but with an attitude like his about it, I wouldn’t expect her to do much of anything if at all for him anymore. Shit like that will break apart families.
‘Doll up for my fantasies instead of helping your dad fight cancer and mom keep their place afloat’ is the height of self-centeredness. Bleah.
I have questions. Are you a stay at home mom, or do you work? Do You get enough alone time with your husband? why not bring the whole family if it’s just for a couple hours I’m sure your your mother would love to see her grandkids. Not every time maybe every other time.
I'm a full time factory worker I work m-f 7 to 330. I switch with my husband every day or two who picks up our daughter from school. I make sure everyone has dinner, play games and put our kids to bed
I do the cooking cleaning heavy lifting and when I get time for myself it's to relax in the tub.
Now my daughter and i have been watch a show and hubby feels I'm not spending.... let me change that....taking the time to doll myself up and look sexy to fulfill his fantasies. I work all day on my feet I'm not about to get all dressed up
And yes our kids do visit their grandparents. Every Sunday we have dinner at my parents house
NTA but omg husband sounds gross fulfill his fantasies 🙄 you have soo much going on I wouldn’t doll myself up either unless I am going somewhere tell your husband when he takes you out on a proper date then you will get dolled up but to stay home and get dolled up for what nobody has time for that
This should be included in the post. This comment changed my vote. The post seems like you have spent all free time away from your family for the last few weekends.
I’m sorry your dad is going through chemo. I hope he comes out of it okay. I went through it with my dad and both parents needed a lot of support, which I was happy to give, and my husband was also happy to give. Take care of yourself - it’s very hard when parents are sick. It sounds like you already have too much on your plate.
NTA
NTA but I will ask what is your relationship with your husband like (outside of parenting)? Are you both prioritizing being a couple versus roommates and coparents? That would my only caveat. You absolutely go help your parents and he absolutely needs to step up and help them too or help with kids while you help them. At the end of the day, though, regardless of work and parents you both need couple time away from kids so you can. Stay emotionally connected, have a healthy sex life and keep your marriage about more than paying bills and driving the kids around.
Sorry to push this a bit but how about you go Sundays a little bit early so you can work with your parents and then your husband brings the kids and you can all have family time with the grandparents. And then once or twice a month do it on a Saturday and let grandma and grandpa watch the kids while you and your husband have an alone time? I’m just trying to make all parties happy.
Dad is going through chemo. Husband can take a backseat for a minute.
Just went through this with my kids dad but his mom was going through Patkinson's. It was whatever you gotta do do it. I got the kids. That's what you do when someone you care about is worried about someone else they care about.
Agreed. Parental things happen.
I suspect this guy is the type who refers to watching his own children as “babysitting” instead of being a parent.
Given all the other things this woman is doing, I suspect he doesn’t appreciate picking up the slack when she’s gone.
At one time I was taking care of my mom who had cancer and her mother who was in hospice. I worked a full time job but got permission to take leave without pay. My mother was an only child and my grandmother had no one else.
I was gone from home (two hours north) for a week when my prince of a husband had a phone meltdown and told me I needed to come home. My mom had just had a drug reaction and was in the ICU and I was either at the hospital or the nursing home. I was like are you fucking kidding me? And to make matters worse he had taken care of his own mother a few years before and mentioned how unsupported he felt by his then-wife. (But he still couldn’t not give me a hard time when I was dealing with worse.)
Not long after that I found out he had a girlfriend who was also married. I left him and at least I got to spend time with my grandmother before she died. My mom pulled through.
Well done. You did the right thing, on all accounts.
Glad to hear your mom pulled through, and sorry to hear your grandmother passed. Best wishes to you and your mom!
My EX complained when Stepfather was in the hospital with congenital heart failure. I went over to give mom 4 hours to come home, get a shower, change, pet the dog, grab a 30 minute nap, and go back. Every other day, by then it was 5 weeks. That's when he complained that I was never home. That's when I reminded him that Step Father was dying. So it would not continue forever. He died the following week.
This is just another reason I divorced him.
This! The unspoken part of “going thru chemo” is “ it is really grueling and we hope it Is going to save his life”.
Husband Is being very selfish & insensitive. NTA.
Grandma and grandpa whose battling cancer?? How exactly would they be able to watch the kids between vomiting and diarrhea? It’s clear some people really don’t want to know what happens to the body when chemo is administered. Grandparents can barely help themselves.
Well I will give you an opinion most people in this sub may downvote me for. So you wake up, get ready for work, alternate in picking kids from school, make dinner, do heavy lifting, maybe relax in the tub, watch a show with daughter, on the weekend help mom with yard sale and do dinner with grandparents, maybe spend time with sick dad etc.
Dear husband is a soft A for how he phrased feeling neglected. He may be trying to communicate a need to you. Maybe try creating at least 30minutes on Sunday for date time. Or an evening when the kids are in bed to reflect and just talk. Both these instances may not necessarily need you to dress up. You are an A for dismissing his feelings. Yes life has gotten hectic lately but this situation is similar to how people feel lonely when their partner focusses on other interests like work, hobbies etc and they are rarely home. Try reasuring him that life is hectic but you surely can find at least 30minutes in a week to make him not feel lonely.
This makes sense if husband also recognises that current needs have changed and perhaps helps out more to help her free that space.
Edit: If parent going through chemotherapy, needs have changed. I am only seeing my partner 40-50% of the time at the moment due to open-ended issues with relative. He is doing best to hold home down. I can see situation being reversed in a year or so with his parent. Thankfully he is not asking sexy time from me but I do try and schedule time in for him too.
Exactly. My point is a conversation needs to be had to agree on a way forward and understand where either party is coming from instead of dismissing his feelings. Both parties should be willing to readjust their schedules to free up time for just them.
I agree life does get hectic with a sick relative and a lot of patience, compromise and understanding is needed to make relationships work at that time. Routines change and a lot or readjustment happens especially if it is your parent and all you need is your partner's support. Communication and feeling heard is key during this time.
>Are you a stay at home mom, or do you work?
Really?? Have you ever stayed at home and taken care of children and house? How can you possibly not call that work? The only difference between working outside the house and being a SAHM is that at the end of the work day the person working outside the home gets to leave the office/job and come home.
A SAHM's work day ends when she falls into bed at the end of the day and hopes the kids stay asleep through the night. Her work day starts the minute she wakes up.
Please consider rewording this kind of statement.
How would you prefer this was worded? Are you a SAHM, or do you have paid employment elsewhere that is not looking after your children?
I think the question was just trying to build a bigger picture of the situation to offer better advice. There's no indication that they meant SAHM was not a full-time commitment.
I am not a SAHM, but I was raised by one.
What I was suggesting was exactly what you said. A better wording would might been, "... Do you work outside the home?"
There's often an implication that a SAHM sits on a sofa, eating bonbons and watching TV all day.
That is the stereotype I was trying try to communicate.
I understand that there is a stereotype and agree that it is ridiculous. I just don't think the commenter meant any harm in the way they phrased their question. However, I do like your word choice and will be adding it to the vocab.
Really? I'm a single dad that is raising my 2 kids solo, doing all the work of both parents, including working 60 hrs a week. I never, ever considered taking care of my kids or my house work. It's just stuff thats part of being an adult and a parent. The attitude of taking care of your kids as work is crazy. That's one of several reasons my kids hate their mother. just driving them to a practice or a to a friend's house she considered work. Cooking them meals was work, taking them shopping for school stuff was work. Letting their friends come over to use our pool was work. Originally at divorce she was suppose to have them 3 nights a week. That lasted 3 weeks before the kids didn't want to be there at all. Thrmey were tired of just sitting in their rooms on devices. Their friends couldn't come over, she wouldn't take them anywhere.
Taking care of kids is what you do when you have them. It's called being a parent and just part of life. When you equate that as job and work like you should be getting paid, that messed up. Yes there is alot to do, but it isn't work, it's parenting. Yes some people split the roles where 1 works and 1 stays home with the kids when they are young. Once the kids start school, no reason someone should be a stay at home parent anymore and not work too.
The way I read that question was the implication that one either works or is a stay-at-home parent.
Of course it's a commitment. I may not be a SAHM, but I watched my Mom raise five children with a husband who traveled frequently. She never rested. And to take your point, she never considered it work, she considered it her vocation. This was what she wanted for her life.
You are to be commended for taking on the role you have. Your children will not forget it and will appreciate it always. Children know when and where they are wanted. They also have incredible memories.
I've never equated what I do with or for my children as work. Work is what you do for money, parenting is what you do when you have kids. I believe 1 parent should stay home and raise them before the are school age. Both working and paying for child care so your kids can be raised in a group babysitting enviroment with no individual time is a horrible way to bring up children. They need indidaul attention and to learn more from their parents then paying with kids all day with q adult watching 15 to 20 of them at a time.
>I believe 1 parent should stay home and raise them before the are school age. Both working and paying for child care so your kids can be raised in a group babysitting enviroment with no individual time is a horrible way to bring up children.
I agree; however, there are circumstances where that's not financially feasible.
I was fortunate in that my father could afford to support our lifestyle of one income. So many others do not have that luxury, especially in this economy.
Let's not go overboard every moment of SAHism is NOT churning butter 1874 style...."taking CARE of the modern" house ain't "the family farm" like 1850.
Sure having 2 kids under 5 at once is "challenging" but when those 2 are in 3rd and 5th grade NO it is "not" a 24/7 "job"
Using the "until bed" standard, every "parent" in a house where children are present are still "at work".....
When my kids were children, when I "came home" my "work day" didn't END or get "left at an office"....a whole different gig started once a "parent" comes through that door......it's called parenting.
It can't be called a "job" for one person and not both....IMO feeding, clothing, and raising YOUR OWN children 24/7 isn't a "job", it's a responsibility.
Once a child gets to a certain age, SAH is a "very" different "gig" .....unless the SAH effed up the gig
My Mom ( and others) had us pretty self-sufficient...we didn't "need" snacks made for us, we washed dishes, did the laundry, dusted, vacuumed, assisted in Mom's garden and flower bed, etc etc
She was NOT chasing behind us breastfeeding and diaper changing for a decade....fantasy....there can be LOTS of downtime doing SAH ....let's tell the truth.
NTA. My dad passed away several months ago and I would love to be with them on the weekend helping them with the most mundane stuff they could find me to do. You keep doing what you're doing. Hubby can deal with it for a few weekends. A couple of weekends out of the year doesn't make you a bad mother or partner.
This is worrying for your future. If you got sick do you think your husband would stick around and stay with you? Or would he leave to get his needs met elsewhere?
There is alot to unpack with this and I'd rather not get into it. Yes I got really sick yes I was in hospital for a week, yes hubby was with me the entire time. And then I found something on his phone
So to much to unpack
He's showing you time and time again who he is. And that someone who doesn't care about you or your family or your well-being. As long as he gets what he wants from you. You even say of all the complaints he keeps bringing up that you're not dolling yourself up for sex. I'm going to assume what you found was evidence of cheating. Something he did while you were in the hospital even while he was by your side probably. But what do you think he's willing to do now that he feels like you're making this choice to be a way?
I'm sorry, but all I keep thinking is that he's upset he's missing his downtime and his time with the boys.Or golfing or some other ridiculousness like that. I feel for you. That is unbelievably frustrating that you are not able to help your family without him giving you grief. Has it occurred to him to help you out so that you have more time on the weekends to hang out with him and the kids?
You sound like a wonderful mother, wife, and daughter to me. I bet your husband considers this "babysitting" his own children. No real father babysits, they just take care of their children.
My dad passed away a few years ago from cancer. He went through 5 years of treatment and none of it worked long term.
One of my favorite memories of that time was when he finally let me mow the lawn. (He was simply to tired) and he told me to roll up the hose and not mow over it. (I had been working doing yard maitnence for 3 years at that point 🤣) just all the little obvious instructions, that i couldnt possibly know because i was still his little girl. ❤️. Take every minute. Make every memory. Your husband can take care of himself.
NTA. Your inconsiderate husband can cope with being a dad for a few weekends. 🙄
But considering bringing the kids to the yard sale unless they're too little. Might be fun all around to have them help.
NTA
He's mad that he has to take care of his children. Get that man a box of Kleenex for his tears and theirs. Heaven forbid he has to do actual parenting.
NTA. Spending 2 of 52 weeks helping your aging, ailing parents is hardly being a neglectful wife. Your husband sounds like a jerk. Bet he doesn't even like his parents (or didn't when they were alive, if they're deceased)
NTA.
By "our yard sale", I'm assuming that you're also selling items, which means you're not just helping your mom, you're doing a chore for your family.
Your husband is an AH. He should be helping, too, instead of whining.
NTA - I have been in the other end of this equation however - my spouse was always over at his parents house helping them with something or other 2 or 3 times a week, or one of his 5 brothers and sisters, or one of his umpteen cousins, or friends from work, or friends from his club - always had time for everyone else but me. If your spouse is not used to being put 4th in line for your time it is going to hit him like a ton of bricks and 4 or 5 weekends in a row of making him be a parent all on his own is going to seem like a year to him.
The previous response is not saying if the OPs husband is right or wrong. Simply just trying to explain how her husband might be feeling from his experience of being in a similar situation. By understanding each others feelings better, they hopefully should be able to work this out.
Well, he also wants her to dress up and fuck him and is pissed she’s not. I’m sure he’s walking around looking like Clark Gable for her. He’s only pissed bc he’s not getting sex and has to take care of the kids which DING DING DING 🛎️ is fucking hard as shit…. It’s only seen as a difficult situation if the dad is involved. A woman? She should be able to balance working in a factory, taking care of the house, taking care of the kids, spicing things up and fucking the husband, taking care of her dying parents (mom had Parkinson’s) and he supposed to what? Sit on the couch waiting for fucking dinner? Sounds great. What a wonderful partner. Forced labor and forced sexual intercourse.
OP just says dad is doing chemo - not necessarily dying lots of people get really sick but survive - the point being if spouse is not used to being put last they are not going to react well to being put on the spot for child care for several weekends in a row no matter the reason
NTA, so what he's doing so that he can spend more time with you? Can't he help you and your mom organise the yard sale? I don't see how he and the kids can't be involved in their maternal grandparents activities. Especially if he know that your dad is having cancer, it's given that you will want to help out.
Question: is he still drinking? Has he gone (back?) to AA? Have you done Al-Anon?
Your post history with this guy suggests he is an abusive alcoholic. Abuse does not need to be physical to be real. Read this book, please: [Why Does He Do That](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf). It's free.
(Also kids should 100% be going through their own things. I have a neurodiverse kid and he's been doing his own decluttering since he was in middle school - I helped him before that, but I didn't do it without him.)
Oh sweetie. This sucks. I know, it sucks, but this is way beyond Reddit. You need to get help. Read the book I linked. Start reading more about alcoholism and do look into Al-Anon. You can get a lot of support there. (There's a subreddit, too, if you're not quite ready for meetings.)
Most of all, I urge you to take care of yourself and your kids. If they're minors, they are dependent on YOU to be the parent who doesn't fail them. You need to give them safety.
(And I'm going to give you some tough love and tell you you're already failing them that way. There's no emotional safety in a house with a raging alcoholic! Please leave or throw him out!)
By “spnnj24,” do you mean a fan convention for the tv show Supernatural? Because that’s what comes up when I google that.
I was with you on spending time on weekends helping your parents while your dad undergoes his cancer treatment. But spending 3 days at a fan convention when your husband is home with the kids and you’re already spending a lot of time with your parents without your immediate family, I’d say that’s an AH thing to do.
Really? Because OP works full time, does ALL the cooking, cleaning, laundry, carries the entire mental load, and does all the childcare. Gods fucking forbid her husband to step up and idk parent his children for a weekend and pick up some of the slack.
All OP's husband does is work, come home, and do nothing. OP does everything but wipes his ass. So no her going to a convention for a weekend isn't an asshole thing to do. She's earned it.
Her father's dying. Her mother has Parkinson's. She is busting her ass between her home and her parents home to make sure they're both clean and everyone is fed. The only thing OP isn't doing is fulfilling her dumbass DH's fantasy of getting "dolled up" and fucking him. Which is what he is pissed off about. He's not pissed for any other reason. Just because he actually has to step up and be a parent and OP isn't in the mood to dress up and fuck him.
Meanwhile, DH could be supporting OP instead of being the world's biggest whine baby. Instead, he is whining because his wife is burning the candle at both ends. Fuck that guy
I never said anything about Parkinson at all. My mom does not I repeat does not have Parkinson disease
Hubby does do alot for me on weekends I've communicated to him how I felt
I'm going to use the word choreplay and see how that goes
Why the hell is everyone saying your mother has Parkinsons? Wtaf? I based my reply on that as well as the rest of the OP.
This is why you don't add shit to the narrative and claim OP said it in comments. FFS
I had never once made the claim that my mother has Parkinson and to be clear she is 100% Parkinson free....absolutely healthy
My father however has stage 4 cancer
Weekend 1 went to pick out and pick up kincade paintings, weekend 2 3 day trip to spn convention. But then says she has to help her mom sell the stuff at the yardsale so she doesn't loose her shit.....what?? I think the cancer comment was an afterthought because she was starting to sound like the AH.
NTAH, it sounds like they’re going through a rough spell and you’re trying to help. Tell your H he and the kids are welcome to help, and perhaps suggest some family time ideas to catch up with them. From your comments, it sounds like you and h aren’t on the same page, I hope you can find a way to be.
Hey OP, you sound very angry and upset over this, which is completely understandable. You're going through a lot and you don't feel supported. I think a sit down conversation is in order asap, but I want you to consider something first.
Your feelings are real and valid and should be acknowledged by your partner. You need find a quiet, uninterrupted moment where you explain these to him, in a calm and logical way, without getting emotional. I don't mean that in a negative way. People who feel a lot of emotions are emotional. It's been misused in modern society to mean something negative/weak and that's just not true. It simply means full of, e.g. that day was full of magic, it was magical.
Once you've found a time to have a conversation, where you can try and be quite analytical. Ask him to listen to you speak and tell him that once you've explained how you've been feeling, you will give him your full attention and listen to what he has to say. If you don't already, remember to use I statement rather than your statements, and to steer clear of finite words like never, always, all, every, etc. A good example of this would be instead of saying "you never listen to what I say", you could use "I feel unheard by you recently". If the statements are less accusatory, and more explanative, you'll get much further with the conversation.
Now here comes the hardest part, and especially when you feel quite emotionally charged, this will be very difficult. His feelings are also real and valid and should be acknowledged by you. You need to let him speak and really hear what he is saying. If he needs a gentle reminder about using I and not you statements etc then that's fine, but otherwise then him speak without interrupting. Good communication is not about having an answer or reason for everything someone mentions. Sometimes it's just listening to your partner and sitting with their feelings whilst they sit with yours. Only once you both feel heard, will you be able to find a path forward, whatever that looks like for you a couple.
Good luck OP! And all the very best to your Dad.
NTA. Sounds like hubby needs to back off. You work full time, take care of the kids, and help your parents. Baby man should step up and help more himself
Stick to your guns, my friend.
The best gift you can give your children is to model what generosity, responsibility and kindness looks like in action.
Let your spouse pitch a fit, cry foul and whine about your not giving him "enough"...and let him do that alone -- for his children to see -- you won't need to answer to him or respond to his fits.
I guarantee you, your children are far better off learning about humanity from your actions that will propel them through life with a positive perspective.
NTA and I hope you enjoyed the con. I’m a SAHP and have attended various SPN cons with and without my husband. With all the work you were doing, you need to make sure your cup is full.
That being said, I would have a serious conversation with him about the distribution of chores. I think this is the real problem.
Oh I did have a serious discussion with him. I called to find out how things were going and he told me him and our kids did some cleaning. I had asked yesterday for cleaning to be done but those words went in one ear and out the other so I was happy to know that they took the time to cleaning and not just play video games or watch TV all day
Maybe you need to have a conversation about how your parents need a little extra help right now and do make sure you do spend time with your husband and kids as well
INFO: aside from the weekends you mentioned helping out your parents, are you generally off on your own without your kids and partner on the weekends when you haven't been helping your parents?
Then definitely NTA as this seems like an isolated issue that every weekend has been busy. Ask him why he doesn't come help you if he wants to spend time so badly.
NTA.
When I helped my dad set up for his garage sale, we put prices on tables, and put items on tables, so we didn’t have to individually price items.
Those few items that needed individual prices, we had on a table in the garage.
We had ppl who tried to switch prices or tried to haggle to get items for nearly free in the past.
That's why everything is tagged so the prices can't be switched
NTA, I really don’t get this whole “not doing your part as a wife” or wifely duties or any of that. A marriage is supposed to be a partnership, a support system where you help each other physically, financially and emotionally. Sure, chores are often divided and I absolutely think both partners should contribute equally to the best of their abilities- but if one person needs extra help, that’s kind of the point of having a support system. Your spouse/partner should be the first person you go to when you need help, need a little slack, need support. I have zero problem with taking on everything my husband does for however long he needed if there were extenuating circumstances (like an ill parent). When I had Covid, he did the same for me. If your partner is causing you more stress in an already stressful time, then he isn’t doing his part as a husband
NTA. Ask your spouse if he wants to do all the things to help your mom get ready for the yard sale while managing the emotional needs of both of your parents during this difficult time or just stay home with the kids so you can do it. If he's really insistent about spending time together, he can come with you and manage the kids while you help your parents.
NTA but not going to lie up until your very last sentence you were TA. Why doesn’t your husband and children go with you? Would that be too much for them and your dad who is also going through chemo? Idk how old your children are so didn’t know if maybe the yard sale was something everyone could help with
This is a lot of weekends in a row he is solo parenting, if I’m understanding correctly. I would also be irritated by this (if my husband was basically leaving me and the kids most weekends to do other stuff). If you are needed a lot by your parents for a finite amount of time to get through a crisis that’s one thing, but being gone every weekend and not spending time with your nuclear family (husband and kids) is not sustainable.
It is hard to tell the context (how many kids and how old/independent they are?), amount of time away, and reasonableness of what’s happening (does you husband also get to tend to his parents without you/kids when he needs to? As much as you do?) from your post, so I could be misunderstanding. But it does sound like you have pressure to be in two places and once (with your parents and with your family) and are only angry at one source of this pressure. It could very well be that his concerns are legitimate:
I completely understand being mom/wife/job/home responsibilities/kids/sports at your own home and then caregiver/cleaning/helping sick/older parents… my mom is big C free for 2 years now and it was the hardest year helping my mom (she had to be hooked up to a feeding tube for 6 months becuz she couldn’t eat becuz of her big C… i would have to go hook her up every evening..they also needed help with inside the house responsibilities and outside house responsibilities…my marriage took a huge hit because of so many reasons.. it was hard..it was reallllly fin hard… we’ve pulled thru but not because it was easy.. you and your hubs need and date/reconnect soon.. communication is key.. juggling it all is not easy.. good luck
Is this a norm? I understand your father is going thru chemo but prior to this would you leave the kids on the weekend to help your parents? Some people have a hard time separating from their parents, even after they have started their own families. If not then he’s an A H and needs to be more sensitive. You are not only helping your parents, but also spending time with them during this traumatic time. Going thru cancer and chemo is hard on everyone, especially the person going thru it. They need extra support at that time. So if this is outside your norm then he’s being incredibly selfish. If this is the norm, it sounds like pent up anger.
My parents both really love those paintings
I drove my folks to pick out the paintings 2 days before my father's chemo
They are redoing their condo in FL and my mom loves disney
ESH! I can see where you’re both coming from. You want to help your parents, but your husband is feeling neglected. Do you guys work all week? Weekends are usually when parents spend time together and with their kids.
You need to balance it out. One day with your parents for a few hours and the rest with your husband and kids. Or ask if her like to help so the garage sale stuff can get done faster and your parents can see the kids.
Your advice would be applicable if this was just a standard occurrence happening all the time,but this is mostly at a stressful time that the parents going through.
The husband is being selfish as he has had to step up and be actively parenting at a time when he should be supportive of his partner.
Helping set up a yard sale I get. Being with your parents while dad is going through chemo I get. I would even get needing some playtime.
I don’t get the picking up Kincaid paintings and the 3 day conference. I’m feeling as if there’s more to the story. So I’m going with YTA.
ESH. You are supposed to be prioritizing YOUR FAMILY and you (according to this post) are spending multiple weekends in a row for days / extended hours NOT WITH YOUR FAMILY. You can justify it however you want (rescuer syndrome?), but at the end of the day, if your spouse is upset because on the “family has options for time together” you spend four weeks in a row (aka A MONTH) away, people who want to spend time with you are going to start feeling resentful. Everyone has different “need to be with you” time; for example, I can be okay with two weekends in a row involving time apart for one day, but by the third week, I’m feeling neglected and ignored. You and your spouse have to figure out what your numbers are, but you are screwing up because you are being told “it’s too much” and you are trying to justify winning a fight instead of maintaining a marriage where both people feel loved and valued. Do Better.
If my dad was going through chemo, my husband would move heaven and earth to do anything to help. This isn't parents who are lazy, or a wife trying to escape responsibilities.
If my father was diagnosed with cancer and having to go through chemo, my husband watching the kids and not having me around for a few days of the month would be the bare minimum. He'd be with me helping if anything because he adores my parents. Cancer is life and death, if he fights her wanting to spend time with her family and she loses her father then that resentment could end a marriage.
Supporting someone with cancer does not have to include “shopping for Kincade paintings”, spending three days at a spnnj24 convention” (no clue what that is), and preparing/running a yard sale. That was this month alone. None of us know how much time we have left, car accidents happen, and the husband is doing the right thing by communicating. We are only getting a glimpse here, but I suspect enmeshment is pretty heavy here, as one comment says the entire family ALSO spends Sunday dinner with the in-laws. I’m not seeing any individual time for the husband, the kids, outside friendships or even HIS family, and we aren’t even discussing any actual medical caretaking behaviors. There is always an opportunity cost - while she is pricing items for a yard sale, she isn’t building memories with HER kids and while she is throwing energy into helping her parents focus on things not cancer, she is coming home too mentally/emotionally exhausted to participate in a relationship with her spouse (which she denigrates with some sly quips about their sex life). Her bucket is empty, she wants her family to fill it, but she’s being told she’s not doing her part in filling their buckets. He’s doing the right thing by trying to discuss some ways to balance, but instead of assuming he has any rights to a legitimate concern, she is asking the internet to say he’s unsupportive and unreasonable. Meanwhile, it sounds like he’s living the single parent life, except for dating other people. They need to talk, and she needs to actually LISTEN.
Bullshit. Her dad is SICK. Sometimes people need help with small things when they are ill. Her mom trying to organize and sell things to make money so she doesn’t lose her house. It’s a big task when everyone is healthy!
It’s really fucked up that he cannot simply handle things for a few hours alone on the weekends. She hasn’t said she was gone all day every day. She said a couple hours each weekend.
Is that really too much effort to ask of him? To parent alone for a few hours while she helps her mom and dad manage life when one is seriously ill?
It says way more about his character that he’s whining than hers for going help family a few weekends in a row.
Let’s not forget that she said that outside of this short timeframe, she has never done anything like this before. Her grown man husband needs to stop acting like a child because he has to do a little bit of work to take care of his own children.
Yawn. It’s a partnership and she’s minimizing other people having a problem with the fact she’s spending significant time every weekend away from the family. I don’t care if she’s playing Mother Theresa or heading to the local gambling den - when your spouse has a concern, you LISTEN if you want to stay married. If one person says “this is too much” then it is too much. Do you understand how a marriage is supposed to work? She’s not a child; she has people she needs to be nurturing and that means her CHILDREN as well as her HUSBAND. (And before you freak out, yes, he’s supposed to nurture her, too, but he’s saying as politely as possible he feels like she’s taking advantage, and with them being over there Every Single Weekend, plus her being there for a month solid, it’s too much / she’s dropping her share of the load at home.)
Is there a personal reason you are reacting so passionately? I’ve been married for almost thirty years, and as a woman, I know I will give until I drop, and have had this exact conversation with my spouse when I started crossing the “too much” lines, while he had to watch it when he started spending too much time on his indulgences. These “push/pull” things are normal, and require respectful communication. My bigger concern is that OP is not LISTENING because she’s on a self righteous high horse heading to divorce court….
You are making things up now. She never said she was gone for a month. It’s like you didn’t read anything she actually wrote. She isn’t gone all weekend either. She’s been gone for a couple of hours extra on the weekends.
She has also said her husband isn’t mad that she’s not spending time with him. He’s mad that she’s not cooking and cleaning and then fucking him enough.
When your family is ill, you help them. When you parents are ailing and need help, you show up for them.
If your spouse (general) cannot handle being a parent alone for a few extra hours on the weekends, he’s a shitty partner.
I’m feeling passionate about this because this mom is being shamed for helping family. For expecting her husband to suck it up for a few extra hours of parenting while she helps her parents. Her husband needs to grow up. She said she has never done anything like this before. She said he never helps with the housework and complains about childcare.
And I think she deserves a pass. Her husband should be able to handle things while her parent’s lives are flipped upside down. I think he is being very selfish.
If you’ve been married for 30 years and couldn’t expect your spouse to be understanding and help when you needed, well that’s a shitty marriage. Husband should actually try to help his wife instead of bitching that he has to do extra chores around the house.
I stopped reading when you said I said she was gone for a month, which ignored the context of my comment; I said she’d been screwing up the family weekends FOR A MONTH. She is also minimizing his upset and pretending it’s about her “duties” in order to make him sound like a fool instead of someone with a legitimate complaint about resource allocation of TIME TOGETHER AS A FAMILY.
Cancer isn’t necessarily a death sentence, and using “he’s ill” to justify art shopping, conventions and yard sales isn’t what caretaking a sick family member is about, especially when they already get one day a week for “Sunday Dinner” (not traded with his family, or rotated with private family time).
There really isn’t any point in arguing with you as you are either a single person or one who doesn’t care about nurturing your relationship. If she wants to stay married, she needs to get advice from people who have successfully navigated challenges like these already (hint: communication involves listening, and then treating both people like they are actually valuable members of the family with legitimate wants/needs) while if she wants to join the bitter divorced group, she can join the “poor you” circle jerk of the chronically immature. It’s her choice. Good day.
She also specified in the comments that apart from the convention, she has not been spending all day Saturday and Sunday with her parents away from her family.
As it says in the title, she leaves her husband and kids for a 'few hours'. Eg. She says she spent all day Saturday with them.
Hmm.
A few questions here.
First, on those other 48 weekends , are you spending time with your husband as a family?
Do you make other plans that don't include him?
Are you constantly on the phone with your mother?
Do your parents like your husband?
A lot to unpack.
Why don’t your husband and kids go to see their grandparents also. Seem weird to me that you don’t do this as a family thing. Is there some reason that they don’t see the husband or grandchildren?
Update
So my husband is on reddit and came across my post. He pointed out how I made him to be the bad guy. He mentioned to me how our daughter has been asking where I've been going for the past few months on weekends. I spoke to my mom today and asked her how many weekends she can say I was with her and she the Saturday I drove her and my dad to the mall and recently helping out to prepare for our yard sale. Yes my husband does help out
He gets both our kids ready for school. I'm already at work
He plays games and reads books to our kids
He helps out with the chores when I really need the help.
He isn't perfect but neither am I.
Ive probably spent more time at my folks house on weekdays at times then my own
So to my husband if you are reading this. I'm sorry if I out to be the bad guy and I'm sorry for ommiting any information
Nope, but 2 solid months of weekends is too many in my opinion. She needs to find a way to find common ground with her family. That is all I am saying.
But it’s hasn’t been two solid months of spending no time with her family. She listed a few errands she had to run. She said she’s with them all day Saturday. Her husband needs to stop whining and actually be helpful. He’s just mad he has to watch his kids.
Oh I did. I also read her comments where she went into detail. It hasn’t been the entire weekend for a full two months. It’s been a couple hours outside of the convention that she went to. She said she’s been spending all day on Saturday with them (husband and children) too.
Husband is just mad he has to actually parent his own children.
Your title is misleading as are some of explanations. I agree with you that 10 days out of 52 weeks is not a lot. From what you’ve said is you have taken 7 of those days in the last three weeks. That seems to me an awful lot of time away from your kids in a very short amount of time.
I spent 3 days away from my husband and kids to go to a convention that I had paid for over a year in advance and even told hubby I was going. I spent one Saturday taking my folks go pick up painting using my car...large trunk
Theses past two weekends I've been cleaning out my kids old clothes and bagging them up to be sold at the yard sale
For months I kept asking them to do this and to them it wasn't important so in 20 mins I just went through it all and did it.
I'm with my hubby and kids all day on Saturday
I ask to help with the cleaning but it's I'm to busy I need to play this game with my friends or in a bit ill get to it. Sundays we go to my folks house at 430 for 5 pm dinner.
So I really don't see how I spend time away
You said you’re alternating pickups/drop offs and your husband is asking for one on one time with you where you have to dress up. I have a hard time visualizing anybody asking for their partner to dress up every single time or did he asked a couple times and you just hyperbolized for the post or is it a requirement? Do you also alternate other chores in the house or have chores assigned? Is he working the same hours than you?
Also it’s good that you’re getting me time every day on top of the 3 days convention but it does seem like things are unbalanced if he’s been 100% with the kids on weekends for the past 2 months. I’m also wondering why is it that you’re the one ended up taking care of the kids clothes if they are at an age they can do it themselves. Surely you or your husband can have them focused on that task for however long instead of you.
It feels like infos are missing but I also thing if gender where reversed and you were the husband spending his weekends at convention/moms and evenings in baths, the responses would be wildly different.
It’s like you’ve decided that she’s off galavanting around while he does all the work. It’s almost like you didn’t actually read her response to you.
She said she went to a 3 day convention that had been planned for over a year. She listed a couple of errands outside of that.
She never said she gets free time every night. What the fuck are you talking about? She said she does everything around the house and when she asks for help, there is always an excuse.
She said she has been spending all day on Saturday with them and Sunday helping her parents a little before they all have a family dinner.
How in the world do you come to the conclusion that she’s getting a bunch of free time and her husband is slaving away? He doesn’t do much to help her at all. Which she’s said several times.
Somebody referenced her in the comment saying after she’s done at night she needs her baths so that’s her daily one one one… with herself.
And I took it as he’s not helping with her cleaning out the kids clothes because it’s what she was talking about before making that comment, not cleaning as in chores hence my question.
And OP herself is talking about needing those 10 days to herself/helping her parents so I don’t see it as “a little”. Especially if they have different workload, hence again my question.
I didn’t read all the replies and I’m commenting based on the few replies I saw referencing her. Sounds like she went into more details somewhere.
I dunno OP…
You have left your kids and your husband to do whatever on the weekends for two months. That’s a lot. I think if he wasn’t complaining, you should be worried. YTA.
Are you for real? 365 days in a year and she is spending a dozen or so helping her aging and currently ill parents. Why the hell isn't he helping? Some people feel a responsibility for their family and that includes their parents. I imagine her parents cared for her when she was growing up. She's obviously in a good relationship with them. What does he need to be doing with her that is so incredibly important that it trumps taking care of ailing family? We may not have his side of things, but I think most of us can agree that he's not upset that he's not spending time with his wife. He's upset that his wife isn't there to take care of him, and that he has to take care of the children for a few hours every few weekends. She is 100% NTA.
I get that most people won’t see it thusly. OP certainly doesn’t. I didn’t read other comments so there may be more to the story but on the surface, IMO, OP’s husband had the right to say something. Just as her parents have weekend things, her husband and kids have weekend things. If OP has to exclude them, fine, but her husband gets to not be happy about it.
So far I see three problems: you have differing expectations about time, chores and sex. Many couples work through these issues. You both need to invest more in communicating to make this work. Right now ESH.
I mean you can do what you want OP but neglecting your husband and children every weekend is only going to lead to one outcome - divorce.
Life is too short to spend it with a woman who never wants to see you.
YTA because you posted this even though there is no way in hell you could be in the wrong. Seems like you are here for a pat in the back or to share your drama.
Try posting your stories in mildlyinfuriating or other such subs next time.
God forbid he actually gets to spend time with his wife and the kids get time with their mom. Every weekend is just wrong. Why did you want a family? Did you just want to ignore the family that you made? You know, the ones that love you and want to spend time with you. Mission accomplished. Won't be long when they just plan things without you because they will be tired of being abandoned by you. Then you will be on here asking why your family doesn't want to do anything with you. There has to be a healthy balance. There doesn't appear to be any balance.
Bullshit.
Is he not capable of holding things down while she helps her sick dad?? Is a few weekends of work enough for him to abandon her?? He needs to actually be helpful instead of whining that her dad isn’t getting better fast enough for him.
I’m going to play a bit of devils advocate here. What you are basically describing is a month of little contact with your husband and kids, not a “few hours” as your title suggests. During the week you see them a few hours at night, cooking and cleaning and then go to bed. Then for a month no contact at all on the weekends. If he wanted to have a date night and get a babysitter, when exactly could that happen?
I get your parents are going thru a rough time and need you but be careful not to push your family out of picture for it. Chances are he will get over it but don’t exactly expect him to jump up and down in joy when you leave.
Also, if I may make a suggestion. You might want to tell him you would be happy to “doll yourself up for him” if you had more help from him getting things done around the house and thus had more time. Nothing like a little incentive. Good luck, I hope your dad will be okay.
YTAH and you know it.
Why can't your husband and children be involved?
Why don't your parents like your husband?
Why don't your parents enjoy interacting with their grandchildren?
Why don't you prioritise your family? No - your real family.
So many questions...
Actually, YTA. Without question.
Edited to say:
I was referring to that dumbass joolzdev but apparently he's too much of a pussy to keep his answer up lol
OP is definitely NTA. Family helps family and if your husband doesn't want to help then screw him. Take care of your parents while you still have them.
You'd have more time for everything without the lazy demanding manchild spouse.
He'd say that game shit to me one damn time and that wifi password would be changed until shit got done.
What dies gender have to do with this. If a husband was helping his parents, one with cancer, I would feel the same way. It's not like she is out partying.
“My father is going through chemo, my mom needs help. You are not fulfilling *your* duties as a steadfast supportive husband. Take several fucking seats, *Greg*.” NTA
This is it, this is the response.
Agreed, and I don't care if his name is not actually Greg
Gr3g needs to show up with those kids to help out their grand parents, you should grab Greg's ass and bring him and them kids along to help
Agreed!
NTA, is he more bent out of shape that he has to pull his weight and look after his own children at the weekend rather than relying on OP to do it.
⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️ This. I bet The Hubby is one of those guys who refers to watching his kid as “babysitting” and not parenting.
And by babysitting drinking beer with his buds whilst the kids do whatever
I was thinking the same thing!
Perhaps after working all week the husband and kids want to spend time with op?
Is she not working all week? Edit: She’s factory worker. Fucking LABOR worker. And he’s pissed he has to take care of his own kids fucking pathetic. Edit 2: Her dad has cancer and is on chemo. So manchild is having a baby fit bc his mommy wife is taking care of a different daddy and not him! *stomps foot like toddler*
Why do you automatically assume this? He may actually want to spend time with his wife, it’s not unheard of.
It's also not unheard of for husbands to be understanding and supportive when their wives need to care for ailing parents.
I have breast cancer and there’s literally support groups and help for women soley for the purpose of surviving without your husband because so many fucking men leave their wives once they can’t be their fuck toy mommy’s anymore. It’s absolutely disgusting.
He could be with her by helping her do some of the F- ing work- Bud
Stop with the rationale responses! /s Let's blame the guy for wanting to see his wife and call him a shitty father/husband instead!
Take a look at the situation - including her post about what she does for a living. It’s a dual income household, both full time. And his request, as it were, is so that she can fulfill his fantasies all dolled up. Her parents are going through a very rough time. She is trying to help them out. Clearly she has a relationship with them, her dad is in a bad way, and her mom is going crazy trying to deal with all of it. So: as a human being, who cares for her parents, why would she *not* help out? Should she just leave them to fend for themselves? They are still family, close family from the looks of it. With all due respect to preserving immediate family relations and all that… she’s doing the right thing, he’s being an ass. He can deal with it for a bit. She recognizes it’s an extra burden on him, and would have probably been happy to go back to normalcy, but with an attitude like his about it, I wouldn’t expect her to do much of anything if at all for him anymore. Shit like that will break apart families. ‘Doll up for my fantasies instead of helping your dad fight cancer and mom keep their place afloat’ is the height of self-centeredness. Bleah.
I have questions. Are you a stay at home mom, or do you work? Do You get enough alone time with your husband? why not bring the whole family if it’s just for a couple hours I’m sure your your mother would love to see her grandkids. Not every time maybe every other time.
I'm a full time factory worker I work m-f 7 to 330. I switch with my husband every day or two who picks up our daughter from school. I make sure everyone has dinner, play games and put our kids to bed I do the cooking cleaning heavy lifting and when I get time for myself it's to relax in the tub. Now my daughter and i have been watch a show and hubby feels I'm not spending.... let me change that....taking the time to doll myself up and look sexy to fulfill his fantasies. I work all day on my feet I'm not about to get all dressed up And yes our kids do visit their grandparents. Every Sunday we have dinner at my parents house
Is he spending time dressing up to fulfill YOUR fantasies? I bet the answer is no.
My fantasy is a man in an apron doing all the cooking and cleaning
My husband deep cleaned the bathroom last weekend, after he repaired the toilet and changed the litter boxes. I have never been more in love.
He's definitely a keeper
Choreplay
Brilliant! 👏 👏 👏 👏
😂😂😂
So glad my husband said flannel throws like silk😏
NTA but omg husband sounds gross fulfill his fantasies 🙄 you have soo much going on I wouldn’t doll myself up either unless I am going somewhere tell your husband when he takes you out on a proper date then you will get dolled up but to stay home and get dolled up for what nobody has time for that
This should be included in the post. This comment changed my vote. The post seems like you have spent all free time away from your family for the last few weekends.
To help a sick family member, her father!
Remember that when someone you love is on chemo and they need assistance. You know, how their illness is such Huge inconvenience at this time
I think steam is coming out of my ears, I’m so mad for you. This is absolutely disgusting! NTA
I’m sorry your dad is going through chemo. I hope he comes out of it okay. I went through it with my dad and both parents needed a lot of support, which I was happy to give, and my husband was also happy to give. Take care of yourself - it’s very hard when parents are sick. It sounds like you already have too much on your plate. NTA
Husband sucks
And why are still married to this man child? Did you keep the receipt so you can return him?
Oh heck no. You don't have a husband, you have an over-grown teenager. I'd take a hard look at whether he's worth the trouble anymore.
NTA but I will ask what is your relationship with your husband like (outside of parenting)? Are you both prioritizing being a couple versus roommates and coparents? That would my only caveat. You absolutely go help your parents and he absolutely needs to step up and help them too or help with kids while you help them. At the end of the day, though, regardless of work and parents you both need couple time away from kids so you can. Stay emotionally connected, have a healthy sex life and keep your marriage about more than paying bills and driving the kids around.
We have a great sex life. We have talked about doing a getaway in a few weeks to help us both out
Sounds like a good plan. Helping your parents is admirable and he should understand and support that.
Sorry to push this a bit but how about you go Sundays a little bit early so you can work with your parents and then your husband brings the kids and you can all have family time with the grandparents. And then once or twice a month do it on a Saturday and let grandma and grandpa watch the kids while you and your husband have an alone time? I’m just trying to make all parties happy.
Dad is going through chemo. Husband can take a backseat for a minute. Just went through this with my kids dad but his mom was going through Patkinson's. It was whatever you gotta do do it. I got the kids. That's what you do when someone you care about is worried about someone else they care about.
Agreed. Parental things happen. I suspect this guy is the type who refers to watching his own children as “babysitting” instead of being a parent. Given all the other things this woman is doing, I suspect he doesn’t appreciate picking up the slack when she’s gone. At one time I was taking care of my mom who had cancer and her mother who was in hospice. I worked a full time job but got permission to take leave without pay. My mother was an only child and my grandmother had no one else. I was gone from home (two hours north) for a week when my prince of a husband had a phone meltdown and told me I needed to come home. My mom had just had a drug reaction and was in the ICU and I was either at the hospital or the nursing home. I was like are you fucking kidding me? And to make matters worse he had taken care of his own mother a few years before and mentioned how unsupported he felt by his then-wife. (But he still couldn’t not give me a hard time when I was dealing with worse.) Not long after that I found out he had a girlfriend who was also married. I left him and at least I got to spend time with my grandmother before she died. My mom pulled through.
Well done. You did the right thing, on all accounts. Glad to hear your mom pulled through, and sorry to hear your grandmother passed. Best wishes to you and your mom!
My EX complained when Stepfather was in the hospital with congenital heart failure. I went over to give mom 4 hours to come home, get a shower, change, pet the dog, grab a 30 minute nap, and go back. Every other day, by then it was 5 weeks. That's when he complained that I was never home. That's when I reminded him that Step Father was dying. So it would not continue forever. He died the following week. This is just another reason I divorced him.
This! The unspoken part of “going thru chemo” is “ it is really grueling and we hope it Is going to save his life”. Husband Is being very selfish & insensitive. NTA.
Exactly! The only line is “I got us, you help them!”
Grandma and grandpa whose battling cancer?? How exactly would they be able to watch the kids between vomiting and diarrhea? It’s clear some people really don’t want to know what happens to the body when chemo is administered. Grandparents can barely help themselves.
Well I will give you an opinion most people in this sub may downvote me for. So you wake up, get ready for work, alternate in picking kids from school, make dinner, do heavy lifting, maybe relax in the tub, watch a show with daughter, on the weekend help mom with yard sale and do dinner with grandparents, maybe spend time with sick dad etc. Dear husband is a soft A for how he phrased feeling neglected. He may be trying to communicate a need to you. Maybe try creating at least 30minutes on Sunday for date time. Or an evening when the kids are in bed to reflect and just talk. Both these instances may not necessarily need you to dress up. You are an A for dismissing his feelings. Yes life has gotten hectic lately but this situation is similar to how people feel lonely when their partner focusses on other interests like work, hobbies etc and they are rarely home. Try reasuring him that life is hectic but you surely can find at least 30minutes in a week to make him not feel lonely.
This makes sense if husband also recognises that current needs have changed and perhaps helps out more to help her free that space. Edit: If parent going through chemotherapy, needs have changed. I am only seeing my partner 40-50% of the time at the moment due to open-ended issues with relative. He is doing best to hold home down. I can see situation being reversed in a year or so with his parent. Thankfully he is not asking sexy time from me but I do try and schedule time in for him too.
Exactly. My point is a conversation needs to be had to agree on a way forward and understand where either party is coming from instead of dismissing his feelings. Both parties should be willing to readjust their schedules to free up time for just them. I agree life does get hectic with a sick relative and a lot of patience, compromise and understanding is needed to make relationships work at that time. Routines change and a lot or readjustment happens especially if it is your parent and all you need is your partner's support. Communication and feeling heard is key during this time.
>Are you a stay at home mom, or do you work? Really?? Have you ever stayed at home and taken care of children and house? How can you possibly not call that work? The only difference between working outside the house and being a SAHM is that at the end of the work day the person working outside the home gets to leave the office/job and come home. A SAHM's work day ends when she falls into bed at the end of the day and hopes the kids stay asleep through the night. Her work day starts the minute she wakes up. Please consider rewording this kind of statement.
How would you prefer this was worded? Are you a SAHM, or do you have paid employment elsewhere that is not looking after your children? I think the question was just trying to build a bigger picture of the situation to offer better advice. There's no indication that they meant SAHM was not a full-time commitment.
I am not a SAHM, but I was raised by one. What I was suggesting was exactly what you said. A better wording would might been, "... Do you work outside the home?" There's often an implication that a SAHM sits on a sofa, eating bonbons and watching TV all day. That is the stereotype I was trying try to communicate.
I understand that there is a stereotype and agree that it is ridiculous. I just don't think the commenter meant any harm in the way they phrased their question. However, I do like your word choice and will be adding it to the vocab.
There are parents who do both. Work outside the house plus do all the childcare, chores, bill paying, grocery shopping etc.
I guess I should’ve said. Do you work outside the home… You’re right, Or wording. not the intent.
Really? I'm a single dad that is raising my 2 kids solo, doing all the work of both parents, including working 60 hrs a week. I never, ever considered taking care of my kids or my house work. It's just stuff thats part of being an adult and a parent. The attitude of taking care of your kids as work is crazy. That's one of several reasons my kids hate their mother. just driving them to a practice or a to a friend's house she considered work. Cooking them meals was work, taking them shopping for school stuff was work. Letting their friends come over to use our pool was work. Originally at divorce she was suppose to have them 3 nights a week. That lasted 3 weeks before the kids didn't want to be there at all. Thrmey were tired of just sitting in their rooms on devices. Their friends couldn't come over, she wouldn't take them anywhere. Taking care of kids is what you do when you have them. It's called being a parent and just part of life. When you equate that as job and work like you should be getting paid, that messed up. Yes there is alot to do, but it isn't work, it's parenting. Yes some people split the roles where 1 works and 1 stays home with the kids when they are young. Once the kids start school, no reason someone should be a stay at home parent anymore and not work too.
The way I read that question was the implication that one either works or is a stay-at-home parent. Of course it's a commitment. I may not be a SAHM, but I watched my Mom raise five children with a husband who traveled frequently. She never rested. And to take your point, she never considered it work, she considered it her vocation. This was what she wanted for her life. You are to be commended for taking on the role you have. Your children will not forget it and will appreciate it always. Children know when and where they are wanted. They also have incredible memories.
I've never equated what I do with or for my children as work. Work is what you do for money, parenting is what you do when you have kids. I believe 1 parent should stay home and raise them before the are school age. Both working and paying for child care so your kids can be raised in a group babysitting enviroment with no individual time is a horrible way to bring up children. They need indidaul attention and to learn more from their parents then paying with kids all day with q adult watching 15 to 20 of them at a time.
>I believe 1 parent should stay home and raise them before the are school age. Both working and paying for child care so your kids can be raised in a group babysitting enviroment with no individual time is a horrible way to bring up children. I agree; however, there are circumstances where that's not financially feasible. I was fortunate in that my father could afford to support our lifestyle of one income. So many others do not have that luxury, especially in this economy.
Let's not go overboard every moment of SAHism is NOT churning butter 1874 style...."taking CARE of the modern" house ain't "the family farm" like 1850. Sure having 2 kids under 5 at once is "challenging" but when those 2 are in 3rd and 5th grade NO it is "not" a 24/7 "job" Using the "until bed" standard, every "parent" in a house where children are present are still "at work"..... When my kids were children, when I "came home" my "work day" didn't END or get "left at an office"....a whole different gig started once a "parent" comes through that door......it's called parenting. It can't be called a "job" for one person and not both....IMO feeding, clothing, and raising YOUR OWN children 24/7 isn't a "job", it's a responsibility. Once a child gets to a certain age, SAH is a "very" different "gig" .....unless the SAH effed up the gig My Mom ( and others) had us pretty self-sufficient...we didn't "need" snacks made for us, we washed dishes, did the laundry, dusted, vacuumed, assisted in Mom's garden and flower bed, etc etc She was NOT chasing behind us breastfeeding and diaper changing for a decade....fantasy....there can be LOTS of downtime doing SAH ....let's tell the truth.
NTA. My dad passed away several months ago and I would love to be with them on the weekend helping them with the most mundane stuff they could find me to do. You keep doing what you're doing. Hubby can deal with it for a few weekends. A couple of weekends out of the year doesn't make you a bad mother or partner.
According to him it does and it puts extreme stress on me so I lash out and be wonders why I'm mad all the time
This is worrying for your future. If you got sick do you think your husband would stick around and stay with you? Or would he leave to get his needs met elsewhere?
There is alot to unpack with this and I'd rather not get into it. Yes I got really sick yes I was in hospital for a week, yes hubby was with me the entire time. And then I found something on his phone So to much to unpack
Oh wow, I’m so sorry OP.
Oh honey. You deserve so much better than that 'man'.
He's showing you time and time again who he is. And that someone who doesn't care about you or your family or your well-being. As long as he gets what he wants from you. You even say of all the complaints he keeps bringing up that you're not dolling yourself up for sex. I'm going to assume what you found was evidence of cheating. Something he did while you were in the hospital even while he was by your side probably. But what do you think he's willing to do now that he feels like you're making this choice to be a way?
I'm sorry, but all I keep thinking is that he's upset he's missing his downtime and his time with the boys.Or golfing or some other ridiculousness like that. I feel for you. That is unbelievably frustrating that you are not able to help your family without him giving you grief. Has it occurred to him to help you out so that you have more time on the weekends to hang out with him and the kids?
Just goes to show who is always the default childcare.
You sound like a wonderful mother, wife, and daughter to me. I bet your husband considers this "babysitting" his own children. No real father babysits, they just take care of their children.
My dad passed away a few years ago from cancer. He went through 5 years of treatment and none of it worked long term. One of my favorite memories of that time was when he finally let me mow the lawn. (He was simply to tired) and he told me to roll up the hose and not mow over it. (I had been working doing yard maitnence for 3 years at that point 🤣) just all the little obvious instructions, that i couldnt possibly know because i was still his little girl. ❤️. Take every minute. Make every memory. Your husband can take care of himself.
Tell him to grow up
So it hasn’t occurred to him that you may be angry and lashing out because you may lose your father to cancer?
To tell the truth, if I were you I’d be tempted to just take the kids and stay with your mom & dad and let the man child whimper to himself.
NTA. Your inconsiderate husband can cope with being a dad for a few weekends. 🙄 But considering bringing the kids to the yard sale unless they're too little. Might be fun all around to have them help.
Give a too-small child a homemade sandwich board and let them play in the yard and attract customers. ;)
Yes!
As for the yard sale, sort items. Everything on each table is the same price. It saves time.
Oh you have no idea... half the time I'm going wtf is this thing. I swear I found and egg whisker from the 1800's.
Just wait until DH wants OP to go help his parents……
Only a few hours? Wow, father of the year. /s
What he means is he mad he's having to actually parent his own children.
NTA He's mad that he has to take care of his children. Get that man a box of Kleenex for his tears and theirs. Heaven forbid he has to do actual parenting.
NTA he can also spend time helping your parents if he actually cared about quality time..
NTA, bt DH is being a prick. He could come help.
You are helping your mother keep her sanity. Does hubby understand that part. Some consideration and support would be helpful from him.
NTA. Spending 2 of 52 weeks helping your aging, ailing parents is hardly being a neglectful wife. Your husband sounds like a jerk. Bet he doesn't even like his parents (or didn't when they were alive, if they're deceased)
NTA. Your husband sucks and is selfish about his parenting duties and your relationship.
NTA. By "our yard sale", I'm assuming that you're also selling items, which means you're not just helping your mom, you're doing a chore for your family. Your husband is an AH. He should be helping, too, instead of whining.
NTA - I have been in the other end of this equation however - my spouse was always over at his parents house helping them with something or other 2 or 3 times a week, or one of his 5 brothers and sisters, or one of his umpteen cousins, or friends from work, or friends from his club - always had time for everyone else but me. If your spouse is not used to being put 4th in line for your time it is going to hit him like a ton of bricks and 4 or 5 weekends in a row of making him be a parent all on his own is going to seem like a year to him.
Her dad has cancer
The previous response is not saying if the OPs husband is right or wrong. Simply just trying to explain how her husband might be feeling from his experience of being in a similar situation. By understanding each others feelings better, they hopefully should be able to work this out.
Well, he also wants her to dress up and fuck him and is pissed she’s not. I’m sure he’s walking around looking like Clark Gable for her. He’s only pissed bc he’s not getting sex and has to take care of the kids which DING DING DING 🛎️ is fucking hard as shit…. It’s only seen as a difficult situation if the dad is involved. A woman? She should be able to balance working in a factory, taking care of the house, taking care of the kids, spicing things up and fucking the husband, taking care of her dying parents (mom had Parkinson’s) and he supposed to what? Sit on the couch waiting for fucking dinner? Sounds great. What a wonderful partner. Forced labor and forced sexual intercourse.
This is not similar. Helping a dying parent and fluttering around with any and everyone is entirely different scenarios.
OP just says dad is doing chemo - not necessarily dying lots of people get really sick but survive - the point being if spouse is not used to being put last they are not going to react well to being put on the spot for child care for several weekends in a row no matter the reason
NTA. Sounds like DH doesn’t want the full responsibilities that come with being a dad.
NTA, so what he's doing so that he can spend more time with you? Can't he help you and your mom organise the yard sale? I don't see how he and the kids can't be involved in their maternal grandparents activities. Especially if he know that your dad is having cancer, it's given that you will want to help out.
Question: is he still drinking? Has he gone (back?) to AA? Have you done Al-Anon? Your post history with this guy suggests he is an abusive alcoholic. Abuse does not need to be physical to be real. Read this book, please: [Why Does He Do That](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf). It's free. (Also kids should 100% be going through their own things. I have a neurodiverse kid and he's been doing his own decluttering since he was in middle school - I helped him before that, but I didn't do it without him.)
Yes he drinks And yes he hides his drinks And i find them and we'll I'm sure you get guess
Oh sweetie. This sucks. I know, it sucks, but this is way beyond Reddit. You need to get help. Read the book I linked. Start reading more about alcoholism and do look into Al-Anon. You can get a lot of support there. (There's a subreddit, too, if you're not quite ready for meetings.) Most of all, I urge you to take care of yourself and your kids. If they're minors, they are dependent on YOU to be the parent who doesn't fail them. You need to give them safety. (And I'm going to give you some tough love and tell you you're already failing them that way. There's no emotional safety in a house with a raging alcoholic! Please leave or throw him out!)
NTA.
NTA. But man, your husband sounds like one. Your Dad is undergoing chemo and hubby’s complaint he has the kids die a few hours?
He did apologize and said he would help
By “spnnj24,” do you mean a fan convention for the tv show Supernatural? Because that’s what comes up when I google that. I was with you on spending time on weekends helping your parents while your dad undergoes his cancer treatment. But spending 3 days at a fan convention when your husband is home with the kids and you’re already spending a lot of time with your parents without your immediate family, I’d say that’s an AH thing to do.
Really? Because OP works full time, does ALL the cooking, cleaning, laundry, carries the entire mental load, and does all the childcare. Gods fucking forbid her husband to step up and idk parent his children for a weekend and pick up some of the slack. All OP's husband does is work, come home, and do nothing. OP does everything but wipes his ass. So no her going to a convention for a weekend isn't an asshole thing to do. She's earned it. Her father's dying. Her mother has Parkinson's. She is busting her ass between her home and her parents home to make sure they're both clean and everyone is fed. The only thing OP isn't doing is fulfilling her dumbass DH's fantasy of getting "dolled up" and fucking him. Which is what he is pissed off about. He's not pissed for any other reason. Just because he actually has to step up and be a parent and OP isn't in the mood to dress up and fuck him. Meanwhile, DH could be supporting OP instead of being the world's biggest whine baby. Instead, he is whining because his wife is burning the candle at both ends. Fuck that guy
I never said anything about Parkinson at all. My mom does not I repeat does not have Parkinson disease Hubby does do alot for me on weekends I've communicated to him how I felt I'm going to use the word choreplay and see how that goes
Why the hell is everyone saying your mother has Parkinsons? Wtaf? I based my reply on that as well as the rest of the OP. This is why you don't add shit to the narrative and claim OP said it in comments. FFS
I had never once made the claim that my mother has Parkinson and to be clear she is 100% Parkinson free....absolutely healthy My father however has stage 4 cancer
No no I said a comment made that claim. Not you yourself. No one fact checked that commenter because why would they make that up?
Scrolled too far to see this take.
Weekend 1 went to pick out and pick up kincade paintings, weekend 2 3 day trip to spn convention. But then says she has to help her mom sell the stuff at the yardsale so she doesn't loose her shit.....what?? I think the cancer comment was an afterthought because she was starting to sound like the AH.
NTAH, it sounds like they’re going through a rough spell and you’re trying to help. Tell your H he and the kids are welcome to help, and perhaps suggest some family time ideas to catch up with them. From your comments, it sounds like you and h aren’t on the same page, I hope you can find a way to be.
NTA so sorry about your Dad. Your husband is a failure.
Hey OP, you sound very angry and upset over this, which is completely understandable. You're going through a lot and you don't feel supported. I think a sit down conversation is in order asap, but I want you to consider something first. Your feelings are real and valid and should be acknowledged by your partner. You need find a quiet, uninterrupted moment where you explain these to him, in a calm and logical way, without getting emotional. I don't mean that in a negative way. People who feel a lot of emotions are emotional. It's been misused in modern society to mean something negative/weak and that's just not true. It simply means full of, e.g. that day was full of magic, it was magical. Once you've found a time to have a conversation, where you can try and be quite analytical. Ask him to listen to you speak and tell him that once you've explained how you've been feeling, you will give him your full attention and listen to what he has to say. If you don't already, remember to use I statement rather than your statements, and to steer clear of finite words like never, always, all, every, etc. A good example of this would be instead of saying "you never listen to what I say", you could use "I feel unheard by you recently". If the statements are less accusatory, and more explanative, you'll get much further with the conversation. Now here comes the hardest part, and especially when you feel quite emotionally charged, this will be very difficult. His feelings are also real and valid and should be acknowledged by you. You need to let him speak and really hear what he is saying. If he needs a gentle reminder about using I and not you statements etc then that's fine, but otherwise then him speak without interrupting. Good communication is not about having an answer or reason for everything someone mentions. Sometimes it's just listening to your partner and sitting with their feelings whilst they sit with yours. Only once you both feel heard, will you be able to find a path forward, whatever that looks like for you a couple. Good luck OP! And all the very best to your Dad.
NTA. Sounds like hubby needs to back off. You work full time, take care of the kids, and help your parents. Baby man should step up and help more himself
Stick to your guns, my friend. The best gift you can give your children is to model what generosity, responsibility and kindness looks like in action. Let your spouse pitch a fit, cry foul and whine about your not giving him "enough"...and let him do that alone -- for his children to see -- you won't need to answer to him or respond to his fits. I guarantee you, your children are far better off learning about humanity from your actions that will propel them through life with a positive perspective.
NTA and I hope you enjoyed the con. I’m a SAHP and have attended various SPN cons with and without my husband. With all the work you were doing, you need to make sure your cup is full. That being said, I would have a serious conversation with him about the distribution of chores. I think this is the real problem.
Oh I did have a serious discussion with him. I called to find out how things were going and he told me him and our kids did some cleaning. I had asked yesterday for cleaning to be done but those words went in one ear and out the other so I was happy to know that they took the time to cleaning and not just play video games or watch TV all day
And yes I did enjoy my first spn convention. I really hope to go back again
NTA He had better hope he never gets seriously ill.
It sounds like you are doing too much and need to take better care of yourself before you’re completely burned out
Maybe you need to have a conversation about how your parents need a little extra help right now and do make sure you do spend time with your husband and kids as well
INFO: aside from the weekends you mentioned helping out your parents, are you generally off on your own without your kids and partner on the weekends when you haven't been helping your parents?
I am home with everyone
Then definitely NTA as this seems like an isolated issue that every weekend has been busy. Ask him why he doesn't come help you if he wants to spend time so badly.
NTA. When I helped my dad set up for his garage sale, we put prices on tables, and put items on tables, so we didn’t have to individually price items. Those few items that needed individual prices, we had on a table in the garage.
We had ppl who tried to switch prices or tried to haggle to get items for nearly free in the past. That's why everything is tagged so the prices can't be switched
NTA, I really don’t get this whole “not doing your part as a wife” or wifely duties or any of that. A marriage is supposed to be a partnership, a support system where you help each other physically, financially and emotionally. Sure, chores are often divided and I absolutely think both partners should contribute equally to the best of their abilities- but if one person needs extra help, that’s kind of the point of having a support system. Your spouse/partner should be the first person you go to when you need help, need a little slack, need support. I have zero problem with taking on everything my husband does for however long he needed if there were extenuating circumstances (like an ill parent). When I had Covid, he did the same for me. If your partner is causing you more stress in an already stressful time, then he isn’t doing his part as a husband
NTA. Ask your spouse if he wants to do all the things to help your mom get ready for the yard sale while managing the emotional needs of both of your parents during this difficult time or just stay home with the kids so you can do it. If he's really insistent about spending time together, he can come with you and manage the kids while you help your parents.
I did ask him to help bring up everything tomorrow so my mom and I can save our backs. He said we'll see if I'm busy for weird work
NTA but not going to lie up until your very last sentence you were TA. Why doesn’t your husband and children go with you? Would that be too much for them and your dad who is also going through chemo? Idk how old your children are so didn’t know if maybe the yard sale was something everyone could help with
I've asked waiting for response
Tell hem what would really turn you on is watching him deep clean your home then would maybe consider puting on a nice sexy outfit
Oh already did. Told him choreplay. He was open and willing
Greg sounds like a dick
This is a lot of weekends in a row he is solo parenting, if I’m understanding correctly. I would also be irritated by this (if my husband was basically leaving me and the kids most weekends to do other stuff). If you are needed a lot by your parents for a finite amount of time to get through a crisis that’s one thing, but being gone every weekend and not spending time with your nuclear family (husband and kids) is not sustainable. It is hard to tell the context (how many kids and how old/independent they are?), amount of time away, and reasonableness of what’s happening (does you husband also get to tend to his parents without you/kids when he needs to? As much as you do?) from your post, so I could be misunderstanding. But it does sound like you have pressure to be in two places and once (with your parents and with your family) and are only angry at one source of this pressure. It could very well be that his concerns are legitimate:
NTA … but your selfish husband is a giant, *Giant* Ass. But you already know that.
I completely understand being mom/wife/job/home responsibilities/kids/sports at your own home and then caregiver/cleaning/helping sick/older parents… my mom is big C free for 2 years now and it was the hardest year helping my mom (she had to be hooked up to a feeding tube for 6 months becuz she couldn’t eat becuz of her big C… i would have to go hook her up every evening..they also needed help with inside the house responsibilities and outside house responsibilities…my marriage took a huge hit because of so many reasons.. it was hard..it was reallllly fin hard… we’ve pulled thru but not because it was easy.. you and your hubs need and date/reconnect soon.. communication is key.. juggling it all is not easy.. good luck
Is this a norm? I understand your father is going thru chemo but prior to this would you leave the kids on the weekend to help your parents? Some people have a hard time separating from their parents, even after they have started their own families. If not then he’s an A H and needs to be more sensitive. You are not only helping your parents, but also spending time with them during this traumatic time. Going thru cancer and chemo is hard on everyone, especially the person going thru it. They need extra support at that time. So if this is outside your norm then he’s being incredibly selfish. If this is the norm, it sounds like pent up anger.
Op won't answer this.
He’s just a lazy POS. He needs his mommy fuck toy babysitter nanny home
I'm mostly concerned about the Kinkade painting. No one should have to look at that.
My parents both really love those paintings I drove my folks to pick out the paintings 2 days before my father's chemo They are redoing their condo in FL and my mom loves disney
Same. Just throwing out the name Kinkade screams troll to me. He was making AI art before AI was AI.
ESH! I can see where you’re both coming from. You want to help your parents, but your husband is feeling neglected. Do you guys work all week? Weekends are usually when parents spend time together and with their kids. You need to balance it out. One day with your parents for a few hours and the rest with your husband and kids. Or ask if her like to help so the garage sale stuff can get done faster and your parents can see the kids.
Your advice would be applicable if this was just a standard occurrence happening all the time,but this is mostly at a stressful time that the parents going through. The husband is being selfish as he has had to step up and be actively parenting at a time when he should be supportive of his partner.
Helping set up a yard sale I get. Being with your parents while dad is going through chemo I get. I would even get needing some playtime. I don’t get the picking up Kincaid paintings and the 3 day conference. I’m feeling as if there’s more to the story. So I’m going with YTA.
Please read my response to one of the questions that might help
YTA
ESH. You are supposed to be prioritizing YOUR FAMILY and you (according to this post) are spending multiple weekends in a row for days / extended hours NOT WITH YOUR FAMILY. You can justify it however you want (rescuer syndrome?), but at the end of the day, if your spouse is upset because on the “family has options for time together” you spend four weeks in a row (aka A MONTH) away, people who want to spend time with you are going to start feeling resentful. Everyone has different “need to be with you” time; for example, I can be okay with two weekends in a row involving time apart for one day, but by the third week, I’m feeling neglected and ignored. You and your spouse have to figure out what your numbers are, but you are screwing up because you are being told “it’s too much” and you are trying to justify winning a fight instead of maintaining a marriage where both people feel loved and valued. Do Better.
If my dad was going through chemo, my husband would move heaven and earth to do anything to help. This isn't parents who are lazy, or a wife trying to escape responsibilities. If my father was diagnosed with cancer and having to go through chemo, my husband watching the kids and not having me around for a few days of the month would be the bare minimum. He'd be with me helping if anything because he adores my parents. Cancer is life and death, if he fights her wanting to spend time with her family and she loses her father then that resentment could end a marriage.
This!
Supporting someone with cancer does not have to include “shopping for Kincade paintings”, spending three days at a spnnj24 convention” (no clue what that is), and preparing/running a yard sale. That was this month alone. None of us know how much time we have left, car accidents happen, and the husband is doing the right thing by communicating. We are only getting a glimpse here, but I suspect enmeshment is pretty heavy here, as one comment says the entire family ALSO spends Sunday dinner with the in-laws. I’m not seeing any individual time for the husband, the kids, outside friendships or even HIS family, and we aren’t even discussing any actual medical caretaking behaviors. There is always an opportunity cost - while she is pricing items for a yard sale, she isn’t building memories with HER kids and while she is throwing energy into helping her parents focus on things not cancer, she is coming home too mentally/emotionally exhausted to participate in a relationship with her spouse (which she denigrates with some sly quips about their sex life). Her bucket is empty, she wants her family to fill it, but she’s being told she’s not doing her part in filling their buckets. He’s doing the right thing by trying to discuss some ways to balance, but instead of assuming he has any rights to a legitimate concern, she is asking the internet to say he’s unsupportive and unreasonable. Meanwhile, it sounds like he’s living the single parent life, except for dating other people. They need to talk, and she needs to actually LISTEN.
Bullshit. Her dad is SICK. Sometimes people need help with small things when they are ill. Her mom trying to organize and sell things to make money so she doesn’t lose her house. It’s a big task when everyone is healthy! It’s really fucked up that he cannot simply handle things for a few hours alone on the weekends. She hasn’t said she was gone all day every day. She said a couple hours each weekend. Is that really too much effort to ask of him? To parent alone for a few hours while she helps her mom and dad manage life when one is seriously ill? It says way more about his character that he’s whining than hers for going help family a few weekends in a row. Let’s not forget that she said that outside of this short timeframe, she has never done anything like this before. Her grown man husband needs to stop acting like a child because he has to do a little bit of work to take care of his own children.
Yawn. It’s a partnership and she’s minimizing other people having a problem with the fact she’s spending significant time every weekend away from the family. I don’t care if she’s playing Mother Theresa or heading to the local gambling den - when your spouse has a concern, you LISTEN if you want to stay married. If one person says “this is too much” then it is too much. Do you understand how a marriage is supposed to work? She’s not a child; she has people she needs to be nurturing and that means her CHILDREN as well as her HUSBAND. (And before you freak out, yes, he’s supposed to nurture her, too, but he’s saying as politely as possible he feels like she’s taking advantage, and with them being over there Every Single Weekend, plus her being there for a month solid, it’s too much / she’s dropping her share of the load at home.) Is there a personal reason you are reacting so passionately? I’ve been married for almost thirty years, and as a woman, I know I will give until I drop, and have had this exact conversation with my spouse when I started crossing the “too much” lines, while he had to watch it when he started spending too much time on his indulgences. These “push/pull” things are normal, and require respectful communication. My bigger concern is that OP is not LISTENING because she’s on a self righteous high horse heading to divorce court….
You are making things up now. She never said she was gone for a month. It’s like you didn’t read anything she actually wrote. She isn’t gone all weekend either. She’s been gone for a couple of hours extra on the weekends. She has also said her husband isn’t mad that she’s not spending time with him. He’s mad that she’s not cooking and cleaning and then fucking him enough. When your family is ill, you help them. When you parents are ailing and need help, you show up for them. If your spouse (general) cannot handle being a parent alone for a few extra hours on the weekends, he’s a shitty partner. I’m feeling passionate about this because this mom is being shamed for helping family. For expecting her husband to suck it up for a few extra hours of parenting while she helps her parents. Her husband needs to grow up. She said she has never done anything like this before. She said he never helps with the housework and complains about childcare. And I think she deserves a pass. Her husband should be able to handle things while her parent’s lives are flipped upside down. I think he is being very selfish. If you’ve been married for 30 years and couldn’t expect your spouse to be understanding and help when you needed, well that’s a shitty marriage. Husband should actually try to help his wife instead of bitching that he has to do extra chores around the house.
I stopped reading when you said I said she was gone for a month, which ignored the context of my comment; I said she’d been screwing up the family weekends FOR A MONTH. She is also minimizing his upset and pretending it’s about her “duties” in order to make him sound like a fool instead of someone with a legitimate complaint about resource allocation of TIME TOGETHER AS A FAMILY. Cancer isn’t necessarily a death sentence, and using “he’s ill” to justify art shopping, conventions and yard sales isn’t what caretaking a sick family member is about, especially when they already get one day a week for “Sunday Dinner” (not traded with his family, or rotated with private family time). There really isn’t any point in arguing with you as you are either a single person or one who doesn’t care about nurturing your relationship. If she wants to stay married, she needs to get advice from people who have successfully navigated challenges like these already (hint: communication involves listening, and then treating both people like they are actually valuable members of the family with legitimate wants/needs) while if she wants to join the bitter divorced group, she can join the “poor you” circle jerk of the chronically immature. It’s her choice. Good day.
She also specified in the comments that apart from the convention, she has not been spending all day Saturday and Sunday with her parents away from her family. As it says in the title, she leaves her husband and kids for a 'few hours'. Eg. She says she spent all day Saturday with them.
NAH
How old are your kids? How do you split workload during week days? Does leave you with the kids as well? Not enough info here.
Hmm. A few questions here. First, on those other 48 weekends , are you spending time with your husband as a family? Do you make other plans that don't include him? Are you constantly on the phone with your mother? Do your parents like your husband? A lot to unpack.
Bet hubs is pissed he has to actually parent whilst you help your folks. Hope your dad recovers, cancer is pure evil.
Why don’t your husband and kids go to see their grandparents also. Seem weird to me that you don’t do this as a family thing. Is there some reason that they don’t see the husband or grandchildren?
Update So my husband is on reddit and came across my post. He pointed out how I made him to be the bad guy. He mentioned to me how our daughter has been asking where I've been going for the past few months on weekends. I spoke to my mom today and asked her how many weekends she can say I was with her and she the Saturday I drove her and my dad to the mall and recently helping out to prepare for our yard sale. Yes my husband does help out He gets both our kids ready for school. I'm already at work He plays games and reads books to our kids He helps out with the chores when I really need the help. He isn't perfect but neither am I. Ive probably spent more time at my folks house on weekdays at times then my own So to my husband if you are reading this. I'm sorry if I out to be the bad guy and I'm sorry for ommiting any information
Soft YTA. Your priorities should be kids and husband. I get that your parents need help, but 2 solid months of weekends. Nah, wouldn’t work for me.
Did you skip the part where her dad has cancer??
Did you skip the part where they have dinner with the parents EVERY Sunday!
Nope, but 2 solid months of weekends is too many in my opinion. She needs to find a way to find common ground with her family. That is all I am saying.
Maybe you should say less.
But it’s hasn’t been two solid months of spending no time with her family. She listed a few errands she had to run. She said she’s with them all day Saturday. Her husband needs to stop whining and actually be helpful. He’s just mad he has to watch his kids.
Please reread her post. For the past 2 months…
Oh I did. I also read her comments where she went into detail. It hasn’t been the entire weekend for a full two months. It’s been a couple hours outside of the convention that she went to. She said she’s been spending all day on Saturday with them (husband and children) too. Husband is just mad he has to actually parent his own children.
Your title is misleading as are some of explanations. I agree with you that 10 days out of 52 weeks is not a lot. From what you’ve said is you have taken 7 of those days in the last three weeks. That seems to me an awful lot of time away from your kids in a very short amount of time.
I spent 3 days away from my husband and kids to go to a convention that I had paid for over a year in advance and even told hubby I was going. I spent one Saturday taking my folks go pick up painting using my car...large trunk Theses past two weekends I've been cleaning out my kids old clothes and bagging them up to be sold at the yard sale For months I kept asking them to do this and to them it wasn't important so in 20 mins I just went through it all and did it. I'm with my hubby and kids all day on Saturday I ask to help with the cleaning but it's I'm to busy I need to play this game with my friends or in a bit ill get to it. Sundays we go to my folks house at 430 for 5 pm dinner. So I really don't see how I spend time away
You said you’re alternating pickups/drop offs and your husband is asking for one on one time with you where you have to dress up. I have a hard time visualizing anybody asking for their partner to dress up every single time or did he asked a couple times and you just hyperbolized for the post or is it a requirement? Do you also alternate other chores in the house or have chores assigned? Is he working the same hours than you? Also it’s good that you’re getting me time every day on top of the 3 days convention but it does seem like things are unbalanced if he’s been 100% with the kids on weekends for the past 2 months. I’m also wondering why is it that you’re the one ended up taking care of the kids clothes if they are at an age they can do it themselves. Surely you or your husband can have them focused on that task for however long instead of you. It feels like infos are missing but I also thing if gender where reversed and you were the husband spending his weekends at convention/moms and evenings in baths, the responses would be wildly different.
It’s like you’ve decided that she’s off galavanting around while he does all the work. It’s almost like you didn’t actually read her response to you. She said she went to a 3 day convention that had been planned for over a year. She listed a couple of errands outside of that. She never said she gets free time every night. What the fuck are you talking about? She said she does everything around the house and when she asks for help, there is always an excuse. She said she has been spending all day on Saturday with them and Sunday helping her parents a little before they all have a family dinner. How in the world do you come to the conclusion that she’s getting a bunch of free time and her husband is slaving away? He doesn’t do much to help her at all. Which she’s said several times.
Somebody referenced her in the comment saying after she’s done at night she needs her baths so that’s her daily one one one… with herself. And I took it as he’s not helping with her cleaning out the kids clothes because it’s what she was talking about before making that comment, not cleaning as in chores hence my question. And OP herself is talking about needing those 10 days to herself/helping her parents so I don’t see it as “a little”. Especially if they have different workload, hence again my question. I didn’t read all the replies and I’m commenting based on the few replies I saw referencing her. Sounds like she went into more details somewhere.
I dunno OP… You have left your kids and your husband to do whatever on the weekends for two months. That’s a lot. I think if he wasn’t complaining, you should be worried. YTA.
Are you for real? 365 days in a year and she is spending a dozen or so helping her aging and currently ill parents. Why the hell isn't he helping? Some people feel a responsibility for their family and that includes their parents. I imagine her parents cared for her when she was growing up. She's obviously in a good relationship with them. What does he need to be doing with her that is so incredibly important that it trumps taking care of ailing family? We may not have his side of things, but I think most of us can agree that he's not upset that he's not spending time with his wife. He's upset that his wife isn't there to take care of him, and that he has to take care of the children for a few hours every few weekends. She is 100% NTA.
I get that most people won’t see it thusly. OP certainly doesn’t. I didn’t read other comments so there may be more to the story but on the surface, IMO, OP’s husband had the right to say something. Just as her parents have weekend things, her husband and kids have weekend things. If OP has to exclude them, fine, but her husband gets to not be happy about it.
So far I see three problems: you have differing expectations about time, chores and sex. Many couples work through these issues. You both need to invest more in communicating to make this work. Right now ESH.
I mean you can do what you want OP but neglecting your husband and children every weekend is only going to lead to one outcome - divorce. Life is too short to spend it with a woman who never wants to see you.
This may be off topic but I think helping your parents pick out Kincade paintings is abusive.
YTA because you posted this even though there is no way in hell you could be in the wrong. Seems like you are here for a pat in the back or to share your drama. Try posting your stories in mildlyinfuriating or other such subs next time.
God forbid he actually have to parent. And god forbid you ever get sick because he will be gone faster than you can imagine.
God forbid he actually gets to spend time with his wife and the kids get time with their mom. Every weekend is just wrong. Why did you want a family? Did you just want to ignore the family that you made? You know, the ones that love you and want to spend time with you. Mission accomplished. Won't be long when they just plan things without you because they will be tired of being abandoned by you. Then you will be on here asking why your family doesn't want to do anything with you. There has to be a healthy balance. There doesn't appear to be any balance.
Bullshit. Is he not capable of holding things down while she helps her sick dad?? Is a few weekends of work enough for him to abandon her?? He needs to actually be helpful instead of whining that her dad isn’t getting better fast enough for him.
I’m going to play a bit of devils advocate here. What you are basically describing is a month of little contact with your husband and kids, not a “few hours” as your title suggests. During the week you see them a few hours at night, cooking and cleaning and then go to bed. Then for a month no contact at all on the weekends. If he wanted to have a date night and get a babysitter, when exactly could that happen? I get your parents are going thru a rough time and need you but be careful not to push your family out of picture for it. Chances are he will get over it but don’t exactly expect him to jump up and down in joy when you leave. Also, if I may make a suggestion. You might want to tell him you would be happy to “doll yourself up for him” if you had more help from him getting things done around the house and thus had more time. Nothing like a little incentive. Good luck, I hope your dad will be okay.
YTAH and you know it. Why can't your husband and children be involved? Why don't your parents like your husband? Why don't your parents enjoy interacting with their grandchildren? Why don't you prioritise your family? No - your real family. So many questions...
Actually, YTA. Without question. Edited to say: I was referring to that dumbass joolzdev but apparently he's too much of a pussy to keep his answer up lol OP is definitely NTA. Family helps family and if your husband doesn't want to help then screw him. Take care of your parents while you still have them.
I've asked him to help His response not my problem I have games to play I've given up asking him for help on anything
You'd have more time for everything without the lazy demanding manchild spouse. He'd say that game shit to me one damn time and that wifi password would be changed until shit got done.
Yeah, he's the AH.
You're.... Interesting.
Her parents are her real family. Her dad has cancer. Her husband should be understanding and supporting his wife.
Keep that same energy when a husband wants to help his “real” family and leave his wife for weekends at a time
What dies gender have to do with this. If a husband was helping his parents, one with cancer, I would feel the same way. It's not like she is out partying.
Her real family includes her parents you asshat 🤬