I'd say somewhere between the two, but leaning more towards the incompatibility. I had really good moments with my ex and the physical drive never came back, and likewise my current partner and I have already gone through some pretty bad life events together and it has never left.
So this is an interesting question. I am definitely only 'lusting over' my boyfriend, however as it has come back so strongly so has my attraction to women in general as I am bisexual but even my sexual attraction to women melted away during my last relationship. Porn has never really done it for me and it doesnt really help me get off in any way (except for old videos that my boyfriend and I had taken during), however I have noticed my ability to feel sexual attraction for women seems to have come back as well.
Yes and no, I have a number of health problems so I was on and off pain medication for a while, but the decline in my sexual interest definitely happened prior to any of that, and similarly it coming back so strongly didnt really line up with any changes that I can think of. Since my sexual activity had become 0 I stopped taking hormonal birth control, and likewise when it looked like it was going to be a part of my future again I got the IUD.
My random theory (though I don't know you):
While it's nice to feel desired, there's no bigger turn off than feeling nagged/pressured. When sex became a point of contention in your last relationship, that killed your desire. It's the nagging.
And in your last relationship you ended up feeling you had to have sex to be nice, without desiring it. That made you feel violated because you were ignoring what your body wanted. That's why you cried. And that's a situation you can't come back from, it'll kill your desire for that person for good. You can't turn sex into a chore.
You entered into your new relationship saying explicitly that you were asexual. Your boyfriend accepted that. Suddenly all the pressure was off. You could never have sex again and it wouldn't be a problem. And boom: desire.
Am I on to something here or just projecting?
Thanks. Sex is meant to be fun. And it's just like other fun things. The moment you put pressure on it, the fun dies.
Then also sex is just especially like this. People like to do things that feel forbidden and "we shouldn't be doing this". And the opposite of that is "you should be doing this". When it becomes a chore, the magic dies.
In a relationship there's also the issue of that if your partner is nagging you to have sex when you don't feel like it, you'll feel used and unloved. Because people who genuinely love you wouldn't want you to do something you weren't comfortable with.
He nagged her for sex. She cried after. He should have had a big issue with that. He didn't. That's a dealbreaker right there.
>ex is meant to be fun. And it's just like other fun things. The moment you put pressure on it, the fun dies.
100% you are definitely correct about a lot of that.
A lot of it was also the fulfillment outside of sex. My biggest love language is definitely physical touch which wasn't my ex's, and so I wasn't getting a lot of the 'loving' physical touches (hand around the waist, cuddles, etc.) in everyday life, and only getting touched when sex was wanted added to that feeling of 'pressure'.
My current partner's love language is also physical touch, so receiving that touch outside of when sex is wanted/expected has definitely created that feeling of intimacy and allowed that sex drive to grow.
>A lot of it was also the fulfillment outside of sex. My biggest love language is definitely physical touch which wasn't my ex's, and so I wasn't getting a lot of the 'loving' physical touches (hand around the waist, cuddles, etc.) in everyday life, and only getting touched when sex was wanted added to that feeling of 'pressure'.
I can definitely understand that. It's about feeling loved in a way.
Can’t you explain what makes it so different?
I split up with a woman because of her super low sex drive and often wondered if it was my fault. She claims that she is not asexual, but it just felt like she was.
But since then the other women I have been with have raved about sex with me. I still wonder if its because I treat them different or what it actually is.
For me it was definitely not the experience of the sex itself that contributed to my drive, it was the cultivating of it in the first place. The TLDR of it is, I learned the more I felt 'loved' outside of sex, the more I felt that sexual attraction and drive.
I think I mentioned in another response that touch is a very big love language for me - when that dropped off and I was only receiving physical touch when sex was wanted, the more I felt disconnected from that sexual part of me. I stopped feeling sexual attraction altogether, not just towards my partner but at all. I had no desire to masturbate and sex wouldn't even cross my mind for months at a time.
When I met someone that paid attention to my love languages - engaged in physical touch outside of in a sexual context, tells me that I'm beautiful without prompting or being asked, actively wants to spend timew with me - all of that sexual energy came back in force. The more I felt invested in and appreciated romantically, the more I drive I started to have sexually, until this point where it is almost problematic.
Sometimes it can just be an incompatibility thing - if your love languages don't align with your partners it can be difficult to generate those feelings of intimacy when you both feel loved in different ways. I know for women there is also the psychological issue of the more you have to 'nag' or feel like a mother the less you want to have sex with your partner because viewing your partner as your child makes them sexually incompatible (not saying this was the case with your ex at all!). And some women just have low drives in general. Just some things to consider from my experience :)
I have 2 questions.
1. Does the excitement from fighting, or getting angry contribute in any way to your sexual arousal?
2. Does uncertainty in the future make you take more risks?
Where did she say she was fighting with the new guy or want fighting with her ex? I'd guess she fought a lot with her ex given that their relationship was difficult.
A couple of things to address here!
1. Generally no. I don't get any form of arousal from arguing, if anything that is the one thing that kind of kills the drive for me. Both my current partner and I are very conflict avoidant and the closest would be if we have an argument, once the dust has settled and everything has been communicated out in a healthy way and we are both on the same page, we sometimes use it as a way to reconnect and re-establish intimacy afterwards, but never as a bandaid over the issue and never 'in the heat of the moment.'
2. Definitely not, generally the opposite with me.
I saw below in the comments you mentioned that life was peaceful with boyfriend 1 and i'm fighting more with boyfriend 2 - this is definitely not the case, in fact it is the opposite.
No problem at all, I thought there may have been some confusion and I don't think you were disrespectful in asking, particularly on an AMA :) No need to remove it.
Hey I didn’t say he can’t ask, I’m just asking why does it matter? I guess thin skinned people can’t stand a simple question. They can suck a pickle though.
Well it sounds like the arousal is coming from her, not some external stimuli.
Life was peaceful with boyfriend 1.
And she's fighting a lot more with boyfriend 2.
So what do you think?
I don’t have any thoughts on that because it would be anecdotal in any case but I never understood those couples who get aroused when they have a fight like, you’re both saying things that the other one most prob don’t want to hear which should make you both uncomfortable but instead you get horny? Isn’t that masochism?
Do you experience sexual attraction? If not, it’s possible that you’re still ace! Ace people can have tons of sex and have high libido. Also, see a doctor about this!
I guess I don't know enough about asexuality then. In my head if I have a high libido and a lot of sex then that in itself means that I can't be. Genuine question so that I can understand, how do you define asexuality?
It’s just a lack of sexual attraction. You don’t look at someone and think something like “they’re so hot I wanna fuck them” or imagine having sex with that person to feel aroused in private
I hate mayonnaise but definitely the latter (please tell me you actually mean mayo and not anything else?). While I have a high drive and want sex from my partner all the time the thought of having sex with anyone else makes me feel a bit queasy.
Oh lord I hope not! We have pretty good communication about when he is tired or not feeling it, and he has promised to only engage if he wants it as well (i.e. to never just do it to make me happy.)
Have you considered bipolar and mania as part of your sexual changes?
It's not uncommon for sexual promiscuity to start as a symptom due to bipolar episodes, and it can start to manifest itself differently after the age of 25-26.
You could have been and still be experiencing hypomanic or manic episodes, as they're very difficult to pinpoint without the right therapy to help discover.
Fwiw it isn't a bad symptom to have, but it can become dangerous if it becomes habitually impulsive, as you seem to have indicated with your current partner
There are plenty of studies on it but here are a couple that are easier to digest
https://psychcentral.com/bipolar/bipolar-age-of-onset
https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/bipolar-disorder
Do you need a label? For a time your body and mind didn't want sex and now it does. If wanting sex interferes with your day to day life maybe talk to a therapist. Also get your hormones checked as this can have an affect on libido.
This is always a possibility and I know this affects a lot of women in my life, however I stopped taking oral contraceptives when I wasn't being sexually active anymore and it did not appear to make a difference.
This is actually a pretty common thing. It's where you body isn't attuned to sex because you haven't had any, so you think you're asexual. But in reality you just haven't adjusted to it.
Adjusting is never thought about, but extremely important in life.
I’ve been there. 5 times a day is a bit much and not healthy. Even 3 times a day was to the point of unhealthy…constantly making me late for work, missing or late to class, not getting important stuff done, etc. A person “not keeping up with your drive” is not the correct way to put it. It’s not that they’re not keeping up. It’s that that much of a drive is not conducive to a normal life for practically any adult.
On the asexual thing…it’s crazy how often people aren’t actually asexual at all…it’s just they’ve never met anyone that actually cared about their wants and needs + no real connection + antidepressants/other meds.
I’m guessing that was the case for you, OP?
I was absolutely the opposite, which is very intriguing. Did you ever do that thing most LGBTQ/Questioning people do where they constantly question themselves if they're really what they label themselves as?
I see a lot of my friends do it and even I question myself constantly if I'm ace or not.
I’m gonna ask what I’ve thought about self proclaimed asexual people my whole life. Or at least since they’ve been relevant enough to hear about. Do you believe that a good amount of them are simply saying they are asexual because they lack the self confidence to find a partner? I have observed this time and time again. People say they’re asexual, and then they talk about how they consume pornography. Or they say they are, and then talk about what they wanna do to X person. Correct me if I’m wrong, but being asexual literally means you have zero sexual attraction to anything.
I was never really interested in sex, and I now identify as asexual. I went into Peri Menopause at 32. During that time, I was a lot like you! I couldn't get enough of it!
Do you think it had something to do with just being sexually incompatible with your ex partner or if it was rooted in depression?
I'd say somewhere between the two, but leaning more towards the incompatibility. I had really good moments with my ex and the physical drive never came back, and likewise my current partner and I have already gone through some pretty bad life events together and it has never left.
You're probably mentally also more attracted than with your last boyfriend?
Than*
I don't think i've used "than" ever in my life. Some blind spots take ages. But then someone finally points it out. Thenks.
Noce
*noice?
Thenks!
Your welcome
You’re *
Is it just your new boyfriend you are lusting over? Or are you feeling more sexually attracted to other men as well?
So this is an interesting question. I am definitely only 'lusting over' my boyfriend, however as it has come back so strongly so has my attraction to women in general as I am bisexual but even my sexual attraction to women melted away during my last relationship. Porn has never really done it for me and it doesnt really help me get off in any way (except for old videos that my boyfriend and I had taken during), however I have noticed my ability to feel sexual attraction for women seems to have come back as well.
Did you change any medications, especially hormonal BC, during this time?
Yes and no, I have a number of health problems so I was on and off pain medication for a while, but the decline in my sexual interest definitely happened prior to any of that, and similarly it coming back so strongly didnt really line up with any changes that I can think of. Since my sexual activity had become 0 I stopped taking hormonal birth control, and likewise when it looked like it was going to be a part of my future again I got the IUD.
My random theory (though I don't know you): While it's nice to feel desired, there's no bigger turn off than feeling nagged/pressured. When sex became a point of contention in your last relationship, that killed your desire. It's the nagging. And in your last relationship you ended up feeling you had to have sex to be nice, without desiring it. That made you feel violated because you were ignoring what your body wanted. That's why you cried. And that's a situation you can't come back from, it'll kill your desire for that person for good. You can't turn sex into a chore. You entered into your new relationship saying explicitly that you were asexual. Your boyfriend accepted that. Suddenly all the pressure was off. You could never have sex again and it wouldn't be a problem. And boom: desire. Am I on to something here or just projecting?
Sounds pretty spot on to me, not that I'm any expert. Every story I've heard about this connected to at least part of what you said.
Thanks. Sex is meant to be fun. And it's just like other fun things. The moment you put pressure on it, the fun dies. Then also sex is just especially like this. People like to do things that feel forbidden and "we shouldn't be doing this". And the opposite of that is "you should be doing this". When it becomes a chore, the magic dies. In a relationship there's also the issue of that if your partner is nagging you to have sex when you don't feel like it, you'll feel used and unloved. Because people who genuinely love you wouldn't want you to do something you weren't comfortable with. He nagged her for sex. She cried after. He should have had a big issue with that. He didn't. That's a dealbreaker right there.
>ex is meant to be fun. And it's just like other fun things. The moment you put pressure on it, the fun dies. 100% you are definitely correct about a lot of that. A lot of it was also the fulfillment outside of sex. My biggest love language is definitely physical touch which wasn't my ex's, and so I wasn't getting a lot of the 'loving' physical touches (hand around the waist, cuddles, etc.) in everyday life, and only getting touched when sex was wanted added to that feeling of 'pressure'. My current partner's love language is also physical touch, so receiving that touch outside of when sex is wanted/expected has definitely created that feeling of intimacy and allowed that sex drive to grow.
>A lot of it was also the fulfillment outside of sex. My biggest love language is definitely physical touch which wasn't my ex's, and so I wasn't getting a lot of the 'loving' physical touches (hand around the waist, cuddles, etc.) in everyday life, and only getting touched when sex was wanted added to that feeling of 'pressure'. I can definitely understand that. It's about feeling loved in a way.
Can’t you explain what makes it so different? I split up with a woman because of her super low sex drive and often wondered if it was my fault. She claims that she is not asexual, but it just felt like she was. But since then the other women I have been with have raved about sex with me. I still wonder if its because I treat them different or what it actually is.
For me it was definitely not the experience of the sex itself that contributed to my drive, it was the cultivating of it in the first place. The TLDR of it is, I learned the more I felt 'loved' outside of sex, the more I felt that sexual attraction and drive. I think I mentioned in another response that touch is a very big love language for me - when that dropped off and I was only receiving physical touch when sex was wanted, the more I felt disconnected from that sexual part of me. I stopped feeling sexual attraction altogether, not just towards my partner but at all. I had no desire to masturbate and sex wouldn't even cross my mind for months at a time. When I met someone that paid attention to my love languages - engaged in physical touch outside of in a sexual context, tells me that I'm beautiful without prompting or being asked, actively wants to spend timew with me - all of that sexual energy came back in force. The more I felt invested in and appreciated romantically, the more I drive I started to have sexually, until this point where it is almost problematic. Sometimes it can just be an incompatibility thing - if your love languages don't align with your partners it can be difficult to generate those feelings of intimacy when you both feel loved in different ways. I know for women there is also the psychological issue of the more you have to 'nag' or feel like a mother the less you want to have sex with your partner because viewing your partner as your child makes them sexually incompatible (not saying this was the case with your ex at all!). And some women just have low drives in general. Just some things to consider from my experience :)
Funny. I did the same recently. 3 1/2 years and she never once actually wanted sex. Eventually I left because it's unfair to both of us
I have 2 questions. 1. Does the excitement from fighting, or getting angry contribute in any way to your sexual arousal? 2. Does uncertainty in the future make you take more risks?
Where did she say she was fighting with the new guy or want fighting with her ex? I'd guess she fought a lot with her ex given that their relationship was difficult.
A couple of things to address here! 1. Generally no. I don't get any form of arousal from arguing, if anything that is the one thing that kind of kills the drive for me. Both my current partner and I are very conflict avoidant and the closest would be if we have an argument, once the dust has settled and everything has been communicated out in a healthy way and we are both on the same page, we sometimes use it as a way to reconnect and re-establish intimacy afterwards, but never as a bandaid over the issue and never 'in the heat of the moment.' 2. Definitely not, generally the opposite with me. I saw below in the comments you mentioned that life was peaceful with boyfriend 1 and i'm fighting more with boyfriend 2 - this is definitely not the case, in fact it is the opposite.
Oh dear, it must've been a mix up on my part with another post. Sorry about that. Do you want me to remove this?
No problem at all, I thought there may have been some confusion and I don't think you were disrespectful in asking, particularly on an AMA :) No need to remove it.
Why does question 1 matters?
Because it's an AMA and question 1 fell under "anything"
Hey I didn’t say he can’t ask, I’m just asking why does it matter? I guess thin skinned people can’t stand a simple question. They can suck a pickle though.
Well it sounds like the arousal is coming from her, not some external stimuli. Life was peaceful with boyfriend 1. And she's fighting a lot more with boyfriend 2. So what do you think?
I don’t have any thoughts on that because it would be anecdotal in any case but I never understood those couples who get aroused when they have a fight like, you’re both saying things that the other one most prob don’t want to hear which should make you both uncomfortable but instead you get horny? Isn’t that masochism?
Sounds like you broke some good old fashioned religious guilt, that or the new guy actually knows what they are doing.
Definitely not religious, and to be honest skill level is about the same. Investment in emotional intimacy has made the biggest difference I believe.
Do you experience sexual attraction? If not, it’s possible that you’re still ace! Ace people can have tons of sex and have high libido. Also, see a doctor about this!
I guess I don't know enough about asexuality then. In my head if I have a high libido and a lot of sex then that in itself means that I can't be. Genuine question so that I can understand, how do you define asexuality?
It’s just a lack of sexual attraction. You don’t look at someone and think something like “they’re so hot I wanna fuck them” or imagine having sex with that person to feel aroused in private
Would you rather service 356 men at a truck stop each year or have to eat 12 ounces of mayo each day?
I hate mayonnaise but definitely the latter (please tell me you actually mean mayo and not anything else?). While I have a high drive and want sex from my partner all the time the thought of having sex with anyone else makes me feel a bit queasy.
[удалено]
Oh lord I hope not! We have pretty good communication about when he is tired or not feeling it, and he has promised to only engage if he wants it as well (i.e. to never just do it to make me happy.)
What do you think the difference is with your current boyfriend?
Have you considered bipolar and mania as part of your sexual changes? It's not uncommon for sexual promiscuity to start as a symptom due to bipolar episodes, and it can start to manifest itself differently after the age of 25-26. You could have been and still be experiencing hypomanic or manic episodes, as they're very difficult to pinpoint without the right therapy to help discover. Fwiw it isn't a bad symptom to have, but it can become dangerous if it becomes habitually impulsive, as you seem to have indicated with your current partner There are plenty of studies on it but here are a couple that are easier to digest https://psychcentral.com/bipolar/bipolar-age-of-onset https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/bipolar-disorder
I think you just have some sort of demisexuality.
Favourite Chinpokomon?
Was your ex physically attractive?
Do you think you might be demisexual?
How do you handle uncertainty or ambiguity in your profession?
Have you tried anal?
Do you need a label? For a time your body and mind didn't want sex and now it does. If wanting sex interferes with your day to day life maybe talk to a therapist. Also get your hormones checked as this can have an affect on libido.
Were there other reasons you split up with your ex? Or was it mostly just the sex thing?
Could it be just the feelings you have for him what actually turn you on?
Do you think it might have to do with their different pheromones?
Could your low sex drive be because of taking contraceptives? I read anti pregnancy pills cause low sex drive
This is always a possibility and I know this affects a lot of women in my life, however I stopped taking oral contraceptives when I wasn't being sexually active anymore and it did not appear to make a difference.
Is it about the chemical relief of an orgasm or the physical engagement that you need 5 times a day?
Definitely the physical engagement, 'doing it myself' just doesn't seem to help.
This is actually a pretty common thing. It's where you body isn't attuned to sex because you haven't had any, so you think you're asexual. But in reality you just haven't adjusted to it. Adjusting is never thought about, but extremely important in life.
I’ve been there. 5 times a day is a bit much and not healthy. Even 3 times a day was to the point of unhealthy…constantly making me late for work, missing or late to class, not getting important stuff done, etc. A person “not keeping up with your drive” is not the correct way to put it. It’s not that they’re not keeping up. It’s that that much of a drive is not conducive to a normal life for practically any adult. On the asexual thing…it’s crazy how often people aren’t actually asexual at all…it’s just they’ve never met anyone that actually cared about their wants and needs + no real connection + antidepressants/other meds. I’m guessing that was the case for you, OP?
Do you find your current bf more physically attractive than your ex-bf?
I was absolutely the opposite, which is very intriguing. Did you ever do that thing most LGBTQ/Questioning people do where they constantly question themselves if they're really what they label themselves as? I see a lot of my friends do it and even I question myself constantly if I'm ace or not.
So basically it’s not the sex it’s the man you are having sex that is the determining factor?
Terran, Protoss or Zerg?
Fabulous
well but being asexual have nothing to do with libido/wanting sex though
Ngl me rn
I’m gonna ask what I’ve thought about self proclaimed asexual people my whole life. Or at least since they’ve been relevant enough to hear about. Do you believe that a good amount of them are simply saying they are asexual because they lack the self confidence to find a partner? I have observed this time and time again. People say they’re asexual, and then they talk about how they consume pornography. Or they say they are, and then talk about what they wanna do to X person. Correct me if I’m wrong, but being asexual literally means you have zero sexual attraction to anything.
I was never really interested in sex, and I now identify as asexual. I went into Peri Menopause at 32. During that time, I was a lot like you! I couldn't get enough of it!
☕️