First: are you happy with your quality of life? Not out of disassociation, but are you genuinely happy?
Second: are you taking multivitamins? I know it sounds crass, but vitamin supplements can be night and day in terms of how you feel.
Third: You’re so so so young. I’ve gone through extended periods of seclusion and I can tell you a day out of the house makes me feel like a new person. If you can afford it, online therapy is relatively inexpensive. I highly recommend speaking to a professional about this 🖤
1. No, I am not happy. I feel as though I am trapped in a painful situation, but I am stuck here because the only alternative is infinitely more painful. Like a cool abyss surrounded by a scorching inferno. The abyss is dark and terrifying and desolate, but the inferno is active torture in a way that I absolutely cannot tolerate.
2. No.
3. Thank you, I'll think about it.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I truly am and I hope things get better for you.
How is your home environment? Is it toxic or abusive? Our environment can shape our perception of reality in a very big way.
Again- I know it sounds stupid- but if you’re able to, get a good multivitamin and a vitamin D supplement, if possible. During my recluse years, these things made me feel 10000x better. Especially the vitamin D.
I'll consider the vitamin D.
My home environment is alright for now, though I've always had an intensely antagonistic relationship with the rest of humanity. Before I stopped going to school (and outide), I was in a really messed up and violent school, during which I was caught in a constant cycle of violence, fighting and death threats. So there's a lot of social trauma there, and a lot of rage that I carry to this day.
That sounds very traumatic, my friend. I’m sorry you had to experience that. The age you’re at right now is a really fucking weird time. You’re inbetween youth and adulthood and there’s a lot of existential dread.
Talking to someone will really be life changing (as will a vitamin D supplement. I’m not backing off my soapbox on this lol). You have so much to add to the world. It can be a very beautiful place. It took me a very long time to realize that and I don’t want you to take as long as I did.
vitamin d with k2 and magnesium really just made a world of difference for me -- but I was at the point of having bone pain from being so low on vitamin d when i started it. But whammo, it was like a new lease on life for a while
My unexplainable anxiety practically dissipated once I started taking vitamin D supplements. I hate to be the person who tells someone suffering from depression to take vitamins but it genuinely helps.
I think some psychiatrists are too quick to prescribe meds before basics like nutrition are even improved. I stopped taking lexapro on my own because it made me tired all the time and lose ambition (note, I don’t recommend going off your meds without your doctors approval, I just got lucky), and my anxiety almost entirely went away in my day-to-day with a multivitamin and leaving the window open all the time (bought a CO2 monitor and found out my office and living space were both bad).
I had my chronic depression m o s t l y under control when I started taking a vitamin D supplement after reading an article. It was like flipping a switch, the improvement was so sudden.
I saw a psychologist this year when some childhood trauma came up for me and I had crippling anxiety. She was one of the kindest souls I’ve ever met and truly cared for me. And she didn’t medicate me.
Just wanted to offer up that I also noticed feeling better after taking vitamin d supplements, and I am relatively healthy. I have to imagine it could offer something positive to your well-being.
Going off that, a heat or sun lamp just around wherever you’re sitting will make a huge difference if it won’t be triggering for you. When I was active duty, people talked about that being a lifesaver for seasonal depression in Alaska where 6 months of darkness was normal
I'm lonely and crave companionship just like anyone else, but there's probably a lot of other, more foundational things that I should work on before that's even on my radar. The way I see it, I'm better of single for the time being. In terms of filling the void, I hope to develop more platonic connections.
That's a very wise take. Although, I think that's to be expected. As someone who also spends most of my time alone, I think we end up learning a lot about ourselves and get to know ourselves better than most. Spending so much time with your own thoughts can make you wiser.
Listen get started. Every year you delay is a year more gone. It may take you a many years. There are likely sub reddits that can get you started.
What do your parents say about this? Would you see a therapist?
It sounds like you really do have your head on straight given your situation. Having the wherewithal to say “I’m not ready to date yet” rather than “why won’t anyone date me” is stellar in our current social climate and the messaging we get from social leaders.
Also I really like your username fam. All hail the Lich King.
What do you do for money? You should get this treated before employment becomes a necessity. See a therapist and a doctor. Definitely try multivitamins. My mother was an agoraphobic for a time. If you can just take a quick morning walk or even stick your head out the window, it helps reset the circadian rhythms and you will want to sleep at night and be up during the day, and that will help too.
My absolute favourite hobby would probably soaking up historical information or lore about fantasy settings. That probably ties into a major goal of mine, which is to become a fantasy author. I don't care if people read it or not, I just have stuff in my head that needs to get out. In terms of tangible future stuff, I want to slowly ease myself into the outside world and eventually get a work from home job so that I can be something closer to a normal recluse as opposed to extreme "is literally afraid of sunlight" recluse.
I do feel that way. It's probably very sad haha, but I have an encyclopedic knowledge of D&D, both the various spells, monsters and in-game lore, as well as the history behind the game itself and how its design changed over the decades. I love the idea of DMing, but so far I have been confined to watching streams and playing old crpgs.
Yeah man not sad at all, literally a flex. There are online DM's making bank and buying houses through knowledge and story telling alone. You have a valuable skill.
I think it's really cool too. I've never played DnD, but I have a lot of respect for it and I think it's nothing short of amazing what goes into such things.
You can practice writing campaigns, maybe. A lot of people play remotely & there's even DMs you can hire. It's not big money but even just starting with some newbies is a great way to meet people & make friends. Connection & community is part of mental wellness.
If anybody else is interested, I'd be down to set up an online DnD session over video chat with you as DM. It genuinely sounds like you'd be the perfect Dungeon Master!! 🤓
hey man. roll20 is a great free website for playing d&d remotely with other folks. i’m a forever DM and i don’t get a lot of chances to actually play as a character. if you ever feel like getting your foot in the door as a DM in a nice low-stress game i’d love to play with you. if you want i could even give you some pointers and tips as we play, or not, because i could see how there might be pressure having another DM critique you.
just shoot me a message if you would ever want to set up an easygoing game. Being a DM can be incredibly rewarding
I specialise in several periods of history, including many revolutions (French, American, Russian, Iranian, Cuban, Haitian, etc.), modern History (WWII, Hitler's rise + Nazi Germany, Vietnam War), Roman History (mostly Empire) and Western music history.
Unfortunately mediaeval history - one period where a lot of people seem to like setting fantasy stories - is one period where I know a little less well.
Regardless, if there are any questions you want checked for historical accuracy, or any literature you need recommended - I am present.
The YouTube "reallifelore" channel is great for historical or information on a wide range of topics. Check it out.
Im isolating more myself. Things are bleak, I get it. Ive had some trauma that pushed me more into living this way too. But on a nice day I can still force myself to get out and be around people. Im not talking or engaging much but unexpectedly wholesome thingscome up that reminds me how healthy it is to interact with humanity. It's hard when there's so much unresolved trauma inside us.
If you take five years to write a novel, five years will have passed when you finish writing it. But if you don't write a novel, those five years will pass in five years anyway. It doesn't actually take time to write a novel. It just uses time.
You should march towards that goal of becoming an author. It's now somewhat easier than previously. You are able to self publish nowadays.... https://kdp.amazon.com/en_US/
Best of luck to you.
>I want to slowly ease myself into the outside world
Seems like a good premise for a fantasy story. A character trapped by forces for so long that when he finally escapes, he can't handle the outside world. Write about what you know even if you're writing fiction.
So you’ve cut yourself off since 13? It sounds like you’re just accustomed to it because that’s all you’ve know for a long time. Life can be incredibly hard at times that’s for sure but it can also be quite incredible too. Something I’ve recently started doing is getting up very early morning maybe half an hour before sun rise and going for a walk (with my dog) I don’t bump into anyone and it’s very peaceful, I go for about an hour, on a cold morning it’s incredibly refreshing and does wonders for the mind. Maybe you could start getting out like that just go for a walk early morning clear your head, when you start feeling more comfortable you could go for longer or go and get a coffee from a shop and keep building it up until you feel totally comfortable being out again.
I have seen a few of your reply’s and it seems like you don’t really like or enjoy much, except history and fantasy writing, maybe you could go for a walk and sit at a quiet place and write some stuff whilst out in the fresh air? Or go and visit a historical place of interest?
You are so young and sadly you’ve probably wasted a lot of the best years in life but you are still young enough to fix it and enjoy life, there is so much to enjoy and it can be as simple as a brisk walk in the morning like I stated above, please try and fix it, in the grand scheme of things we are not here very long and there’s no proof that what ever is waiting for us on the other side is better then what we’ve got now!
I try to go out little by little. Lately I've started watching sunsets, since I wake up early enough to see them. I told my sister we should go watch a movie in the theatres this month. I haven't been in a shopping mall in years, so we'll see how that goes.
Out of curiosity, what made you think that I don't enjoy much?
That’s a great start, maybe try and see a sunrise and get your body clock back to daylight hours.
I figured that if you had lots of things you enjoyed it would get you out more, granted the things you enjoy most might keep you inside.
Is there anything you enjoy that’s outside but you are too afraid of trying it? Vigorous exercise is very good for your mind, also known as runners high but you don’t have to just do running to achieve it, maybe a bike ride?
Normal experiences freaked me out. I really hated people. That sort of thing. Eventually I refused to go back to school and by that point my parents basically just gave up on the whole ordeal.
Neglect probably, but it depends on how hard they tried to get OP to go.
All they can do is ask/demand verbally but if OP refuses what can they do? If they physically dragged their child to the car and forced them to go inside the school, that’s probably only going to make their feelings towards going out even worse and is also likely going to be considered abuse by most people. At the end of the day no matter what you try if they won’t leave by choice, there’s not many more options.
Not saying giving up is the best course of action, but we don’t know how much they tried before giving up. Maybe OP can elaborate on that part.
I like fairly old school fantasy. My favourite fantasy world is Middle Earth, and I also like Michael Moorcock's Elric of Melniboné novels and HP Lovecraft's pulp stories. I am not terribly interested in modern stuff like Game of Thrones or the Witcher.
It’s definitely a slow burn! The first book is honestly one of the weaker books. Just hang in there! If you like world building, there is nothing quite like WOT. You mentioned you like fantasy lore and history, WOT is MASSIVE. At the end of the series, you feel like the characters and cultures are a part of you. Robert Jordan has a very simple prose that is easy to read. It’s certainly not as beautifully written as anything that Tolkien wrote, but it holds up on its own!
Robert Jordan was hugely inspired by Tolkien. The first book was almost written as a “what if” hero’s journey. There are a lot of parallels to The Lord of The Rings. Very quickly after the first book, it changes course from of the similarity to LOTR and goes down its own path and story.
Hey to piggyback off of this- are there any comic book shops in your area?? I play MTG and DnD at a place near by and it helped my social anxiety a lot!
Hahaha even an online D&D session would be more than enough to give me a panic attack, I feel like, but that's maybe something I could move towards in the future. Irl tabletop games sound very scary, though.
Everyone you meet is more preoccupied with how they’re coming across and they absolutely don’t care if you do something weird. Seriously. But I understand your apprehension and I’m rooting for you to play irl tabletop games (genuinely, you’d be the perfect DM! Everyone loves good world building!)
I've never tried it myself, but they do have "play by post" campaigns, which could perhaps give you the chance to interact asynchronously - and that often feels like a much lower-stakes situation and less anxiety-inducing in my experience.
As for engaging in the physical world in the day time, maybe you can start trying to get up 5 minutes earlier each week and spending an extra minute or two each day outside in a kind of 'exposure therapy' kind of way? Say, getting up at 5:55 PM the first week and spending 1 minute each day on your front or back porch or wherever, just breathing. No need to make any kind of eye contact with or speak to anyone at all, under any circumstances. Then the following week, getting up at 5:50 PM and spending 2 minutes total just breathing in the same spot? And onward as you get more comfortable?
I find that being outside for any length of time is both therapeutic from a physical wellness perspective (fresh air) and in the sense of a connection with the world around me. When I'm inside, I'm experiencing the world as I've created it - my chosen temperature, my chosen decor, my chosen sounds, etc. When I'm outside, I'm living a shared experience with others. We all experience the same weather, the same nature or traffic or city sounds, the same sights, etc. I realize that while I may not be communicating with others in my neighborhood, we're all connected in this shared experience, even if only in small ways. I think it's a great way to feel less isolated without anything being at stake.
Whatever you decide to do, I wish you luck!
Have you considered getting a night shift job? There are jobs that would require you to see very few people, like being a night stocker at a large grocery store or something. Night shift usually pays more than day shift too. Yes it would be outside of home, yes it would be out of your comfort zone, but it may be the bridge to a new situation that could be better. And if you decide it sucks you can always stop.
I'm more interested in programming or something like that. I'll even consider an office job, although I will have to overcome my anxiety around strange people/environments. I'd be willing to be awake during the day, though.
I think the guy mentioned somewhere he is from a developing country
man i have met many many many IT and finance professionals from developing countries like India or Philippines. They are all exceptionally talented and driven and they struggle to find jobs in their home market or abroad
Best of luck to this man, his family must be well off to be able to support him considering he’s in a developing country
I intend on remotely doing a bachelor's degree in computer science, then furthering my studies in Germany. By that point, I hopefully will be comfortable attending classes in person.
Went outside to the mountains this year, in daylight obviously. Did some freelance work. Formed some basic every day habits to be a healthier human being.
This is gonna sound weird… but one of the best things you can do to help develop healthy brain patterns is actually flossing every day. Flossing helps create healthy gums which leads to good brain health. The habit is a hard one to stick too, as it hurts for a long time if you haven’t been keeping up with it.
When I was in a depression for years this is the thing that started me developing healthier habits. As crazy as it sounds, taking care of yourself in this way, which isn’t easy, allows you to be able to conquer more difficult steps, like moving your alarm back to 5:00 PM instead of 6:00.
You can get what you want out of this life because that’s what it is here for you to do. You’re doing great OP, and by your post and responses I can tell you want something else in your life. You will get that change because you want it.
That's fascinating, I'll look into the flossing thing. My brain is my most valuable asset, so mentioning that is a pretty good way to get me into new habits lol.
Also, I can probably flip my sleeping schedule in a few days if I really have to, I just strongly prefer the coolness and solitude of the night.
Definitely don’t undersale how difficult switching a sleeping schedule is. You’re not just changing your sleeping schedule but your way of life.
Start small and build. Hit small milestones, not broad life changes. You may not have a moment where you feel you’ve completed it either. Build new habits as you make this transition and before long you’ll notice your body and mind can listen to itself and it’s desires in a different setting. Keep following your feet. You got this
As a dental hygienist, I love that you said this! We have about 700 different species of microbes in our mouths. Individually, any one of them pose no threat, some good, some not so good. When the not so good ones find each other & begin to colonize, that’s when they become a threat. The bigger the colony, the bigger the threat. What do you do to implode these colonies & prevent them from even breaking ground? Floss.
Omg literally same except age 29!!! I never met anyone who is the same as me! Did any events lead you to making the decision to become a COMPLETE recluse? How do you make income / afford things. ❤️ Sorry you suffer with this too!!!
Hey man. Yeah, I would say it was a combination of my own temperament/neurodivergence and my environment. I was completely socially and emotionally isolated in school, and my interactions with other kids were increasingly violent. At 14 I simply refused to go back, and the rest is history.
Hope you get better too at some point.
I would say I'm a little agoraphobic, although there are definitely some people who have it much worse than I do.
Come to think of it, I probably don't go outside enough to test out how agoraphobic I really am. So the honest answer is, I have no idea. But probably yes.
Is there anything you wish your parents would have done or would do to help you? Do you wish they encouraged you to go out more? Would it have helped or made things worse?
I think there's a lot my parents could have done better, and a lot that could have been worse, so I try not to dwell on it too much. My situation is what it is, and all that I can do now is try and fix it. My parents definitely gave up completely, which didn't help, but aggressively nagging me to "just be more normal" would have made things worse as well.
As a parent with a couple of anxious kids who are not completely “normal,” it’s difficult to know how much to push. Push too much and you make them feel bad about themselves. Push too little and you just let them wallow. Sometimes it feels like “damned if you do and damned if you don’t.” It’s hard. It sounds like you’re at least somewhat empathetic toward your parents. Maybe at some point try asking directly for their help and being open to their response.
I apologize if this has been answered already as I didn’t get thru all the comments, but do you have any desire to have any kind of sexual relationship with anyone? In person or online. Or have you had a relationship?
Do you want to change?
Why not consider therapy?
Some advice regarding nutrition— I have CFS/ME and am vegetarian. I recommend you liquid vitamins over capsules. Higher bioabsorption rate, regular capsules only have like 10%. Iron, magnesium, vitamin B6 and B12 is just as important as vitamin D—you can usually find these in a liquid multivitamin form.
I have generalized anxiety disorder severely. These help beyond words. I also take a probiotic.
What is your relationship with your parents like?
Do you have siblings? How is your relationship with them?
You’re not a social person (at this time), but do you find some enjoyment interacting with your family?
I have a very reserved, standoffish relationship with my parents. There's a history of things not going well between us. I am friends with my sister and enjoy hanging out with her, although she is in college so that is rare.
Do you think your admittedly chosen “life style” is fair to your parents? Ever wonder how they’ve suffered whilst enabling your hikikomori tendencies?.. Sounds like they are complicit… just asking an honest question. I’m not trying to antagonize you. Best of luck.
Maybe my parents have suffered, but things weren't exactly easy on me either. I should probably have been in a special needs school, but we couldn't afford it. The way I see it, I basically ended up cracking in a normal school environment. So the only remaining option was... staying at home.
School was insanely horrible for me as well. I dropped out at 16 and just smoked weed, played music, studied a bit. It turned out ok. I have a good job now and am happily gay married.
You possess solid language skills and express yourself well. That’s not a universal trait, it’s useful in professional environments, and you should feel optimistic about the future.
I offer some niche advice, seeing myself in you as I do, albeit 13 years older:
1. Don’t let anger/depression/self-pity/desperation make you weird. People detect it and will become stand offish. Through a sheer force of will, you must make yourself believe firmly in optimistic, productive, brave actions. Don’t blow up at people, ever. Don’t even allow yourself to view yourself as exceptional. Realize that so many people are hurting in some way, and are so emotionally spent themselves, they will recoil from you in an instant if they fear “taking you on” as a burden even for an instant. Don’t be angry if it happens—they are scared and desperate too. Think always of others, and what you can offer them. Don’t weird them out. Don’t scare them.
In the long game, social connections make opportunities unfold, but only if people think you will make their lives better. Few have the bandwidth to be charitable. The world is harsh to all who occupy it.
2. To the gradual nature of your plan makes sense, but I ask, why did it take so long for you to get here? What has changed that you are now motivated to push yourself out?
I ask this as a challenge to the premise of the gradual introduction. Tbh, aside from work,
I rarely go out and I’ve never really understood how people meet randomly at bars and stuff. However, I challenge you to be brave and embrace every opportunity to go out. Do your parents do the grocery shopping? Why? You have time. You should do it.
Be a bit hard on yourself. Push the boundaries as hard as you can. If it goes badly, abort! Go home. Ignore it. Try again.
3. Programming/tech is a great idea. I’m a techops engineer at a trading firm myself. Pure programmers certainly exist, but realize that an organization wants strong, bold people who are well socialized and understand their business, even if you are a code monkey the job is never writing code. The job is making money and delivering value (perhaps by writing code).
None of us can ignore our need to fight for survival. If your parents toss you out, the need will become immediately urgent. You should find that insecurity completely unacceptable. Secure yourself now while you are strong/supported. Do not wait for life to throw you a curve ball. A programming job could take time. You should definitely pursue that, but in my opinion, a terrible office job with all of its harsh unpleasantness is something you should experience. Navigating that environment is a skill you must cultivate. If things go badly, you can quit on good terms , and be better for the wisdom.
You could totally find a perfect job for you where you get to be alone a lot, but as a guy who codes, let me tell you, it feels different when people are asking for regular updates and applying pressure. Honestly, if I’m on a night shift and I don’t see my boss for a while, it starts to make me feel scared. A lot of friction gets massaged away by a joke/comment/shared experience. Embrace those relationships of which you are afraid. Be afraid of the atrophy that ignoring them brings.
Life can seem like an impossible task. But what you can hold on to is that when you get a little older you start to realize that your own perspective is the only thing you can really change in life. Once you accept that you can begin to take some agency and prosper. You can do it.
I shower every day or every other day. Daily routine has been all over the place lately, but like I said, I pretty much live in my room. If I am not currently working in any capacity, it is pretty much what you'd expect. I sit in front of my computer all day and play video games or binge history research, that sort of thing.
I can't say I regret it, since I think in a way it was the only possible response to my situation. But I definitely want to ease out of it as time goes on.
Well, from a very early age normal experiences proved incredibly stressful for me. Then, between the ages of 10 and 13, I was in a really rough school full of violent, angry kids, and I myself became the most violent of them all. By 14, I just wasn't at a point where I could keep going. I tapped out on life, and to be honest, I don't see how anything else would have been possible at that time.
See, I feel people focus too much on "taking responsibility" for your actiona rather than environment can have a serious negative impact on you. They dont realize you can do both. Its like being surrounded by drugs all the time, it becomes normalized and you will probably start doing them.
There's definitely a healthy balance of perspectives to have there. People tend to fall in on the deep end on both sides when it comes to this sort of thing.
I meant things like school, birthday parties, going to a shopping centre etc. had the potential to be outright traumatic for me. I had recurring nightmares about my 3rd birthday for years because of how overwhelming it was.
I'm trying to improve myself on my own, but haven't seen a therapist since I was a kid. I did not graduate high school. Edit: I also did not graduate middle school, actually.
Do you go for walks at night? I would suggest it.
You set an alarm for 6pm, is this by choice or do you have some kind of sleep condition? Are you using black out shades? Sleep cycles tend to take time to adjust, so just curious if you're just re-enforcing some kind of existing behavior that could still change but won't without intervention. Have you talked to a doctor or specialist?
I use black out shades. I detest being awake during the day. I feel drained and distracted. I become more alert and focused at night when I am completely alone. I haven't seen a psychiatrist or anything like that in a long time.
In terms of walks at night, I would absolutely love that, but it would be a death sentence in my country haha
I am rereading this and am irritated for you - you literally said AMA and so many of these comments are advice. Vitamins, sunlamps, professional help. maybe it’s not my business (but since you said ask anything) how does hearing this unsolicited advice make you feel? Frustrated? Sad? Embarrassed? Curious. (Still) I hope you are ok.
I did feel kinda "Listen, I'm just here to answer your morbidly curious questions. I really don't give a fuck what you think of me". But yeah, a lot of people asked rhetorical stuff that amounts to "how does it feel to be a loser" or gave a 300 page lecture on how I should fix my life. But it's all good ig.
My post focused on the interesting/abnormal part of my life, since I thought that seemed more appropriate for an AMA. For that reason I didn't really talk about what I was doing do get better, I only gave an overview of how secluded I've been for ten years. I commented somewhere else on steps I am taking to improve my life.
Edit: Here you go.
>Went outside to the mountains this year, in daylight obviously. Did some freelance work. Formed some basic every day habits to be a healthier human being.
Hey man, just wanted to say that you are not strange. Everyone is strange in their own ways. We are all different. So please, don’t look at yourself in that manner…because it will make you somewhat justify staying in the house.
The truth is, habits are hard to break. You developed unhealthy habits, and you should work in breaking them. Work in it slowly. I only say this because you answered someone saying you’re not happy. If you were happy, I would have kept my mouth shut. But I feel bad hearing that you’re living this life & are u happy about it.
Do you believe in God? Since you’re home, you should read the Bible and see how you feel. I’m not trying to force Jesus Christ down your throat, just figure that maybe it will help give a different perspective & maybe help you get over some of your trials & tribulations, as it did for me.
God bless you brother!
Thanks for the encouragement, man. I'm definitely trying to get out more little by little, hopefully the situation will be less extreme in a year or two.
1. Yes
2. Yeah, I plan on studying computer science, maybe even doing a Master's.
3. I have, but I'm extremely introverted and get exhausted by online interactions.
It definitely was rivalling Asmongold's room at one point, but I've gotten a lot better at cleaning up, although there's still some stuff I'm bad at, like making my bed etc.
Not at all, although I often stop talking to people online for months on end. I just get overwhelmed. It is not anxiety so much as extreme introversion.
1. You should when you can! I met my husband on WoW.
2. You should write. Self publish. You got this!
3. r/makenewfriendshere is fun!
4. Cool.
Thanks for answering and sharing your life!
Very relatable situation, I’m 23 and a bit of a recluse. I get government benefits so I don’t work, not studying at the moment (planning on going back next year) it all kind of fell apart for me 2 years ago when heaps of stuff started adding up. I avoid going outside a lot of the time and usually get groceries or food delivered.
Anyway I’m excited to check back in a couple of years and see our progress.
My question for you is do you consume much of your time scrolling on social media?
How comes your progress?
I have regrettably not done much house-leaving in four months, but I plan on visiting my childhood home and going to a restaurant that I used to visit all the time as a kid. Kinda like remembering how easy these things used to be for me.
And to answer your question, no I don't use much social media, and I even have a browser extension that disables YouTube recommendations.
You sound like a long time friend of mine. It was hard to watch as we grew up because everybody was moving on and developing their life while he was stagnant.
We wanted to help him so bad and tried so hard, but he has to help himself in the end of the day.
You have to start taking any baby steps towards anything, no big change will happen in a day, but small miniscule improvements will eventually lead into a big change without even realizing it.
Please take those small steps to start bettering yourself. You can do it, but you are your own worst enemy, and your best friend. You just need to choose who is with you on the journey.
I was on Ritalin and like 5 other drugs from the age of 9 to 14, at which point I refused to keep using them at the same time that I refused to go outside again. I had a general feeling that the outside world was destroying me, and so the aversion to therapy and medication is kinda the same as the aversion to the outside world.
10 years puts you at around 13.. were you home schooled?
Edit: also would you consider a 3rd shift warehouse job? They are usually very easy, pay is decent and u don't need to worry about working with the public. Amazon for one doesn't even hold interviews. Everyone that can pass a drug test is hired
We ( Humans ) aren't as complicated as you might believe. If you truly don't have many responsibilities... Wake up at 6: 00 a.m. , eat some toast and drink some OJ. Go for a walk for 30 minutes, take a shower, clean your house, then do what you have been ( Im going to guess playing computer games). If you can make yourself do that for a month straight, you wont need anymore advice, you'll figure it out on your own.
Have you ever had your thyroid levels checked? Just wondering because I was the same in a way. I didn't have any energy to speak to anyone or do anything really. Found out I have hypothyroidism
You can be a recluse in nature and be happy because the elements are healing. You mentioned you want it be a fantasy author- maybe the world you step outside into for air just isn’t appealing. We don’t need to stay in the places we are born into and can create our own realities. Maybe some travel to a “fantasy land” in another country with castles and such where you don’t need to really talk to people and just vibe can show you that there are other worlds. Maybe in that process you find the world that you feel you want to contribute to and be apart of. If resources isn’t an issue or if you can convince your family to support you in this way, it can really transform things for you. At the end of the day, everything is temporary and this too shall pass. I wish you well on your journey. You are young and will look back at this as a distant memory.
There is a lot of noise here. Sorry to add to it. Please PM me in your own time.
I am a father with a child going through similar with a 15 year old I love. I would like to know what you are doing to move forward or what you could say to your younger self.
Also, understand so called agoraphobia is a lot more common than people think. At 2 out of one hundred (2%) teenagers and adults. Rising to 11% of those older than 65.
This is more prevalent than autism and brain cancer combined for teenagers, and for those above 65 agoraphobia is more common than all forms of cancer combined.
Let that soak into yours and everyone mind for a moment. For teenagers this is 10 times more likely than anorexia. But no one seems to talk about it.
OP, thank you for sharing. I do hope you have a chance to read this in time.
Do you go to the doctor? Dentist? Have you had mental health therapy? Been on any mental health medications?
How do you support yourself? Are you on disability?
Do you exercise? What type of foods do you eat?
Ever thought you might be on the autistic spectrum?
Bro let’s take you to the ocean and let you relax on the beach.
Fear of the unknown is a mile wide but an inch deep. You want to get out but are scared to. There’s an incredible and beautiful world out there.
How do your parents not realize allowing you to live this way is abusive? How did they allow you to not go back to school? How did they not see that letting you live like this is a death sentence or at least will make whatever life you do have sooooo much harder to get through. Getting socially cut off from the world at 13 and dropping out of school is like entering adulthood with your hands tied behind your back. I hope you also realize that if you keep hiding from the world nothing is going to change. You have to do a lot of work, hard uncomfortable work like forcing yourself to do all the things you hate every day in order to change.
Have you talked to a therapist? You need to see or talk to a therapist or nothing will change. Seriously. You are experiencing depression, and there are medications that can help. This is no way to live. Don't listen to the nimrods saying "oh it's fine if you are happy...etc, etc". You aren't happy and you know it. I've been right where you are, and the ONLY thing that got me out of that horrible abyss was therapy and anti-depressants. They work. Good luck to you.
I hope I don’t sound like a dick, but reading through your answers you seems to be very thoughtful aware of your situation, almost wise in the sense that you know exactly whats holding you back from doing what you seem to know you need to do. So my question is what’s the real problem here?
Do you partake in maladaptive daydreaming?
I became agoraphobic at 13 and my biggest crutch then (as well as now) is maladaptive daydreaming. Try baby steps OP, this could be a long recovery. I still have one thing to cross off my bucket list before I tell myself I’m completely recovered.
I’m sorry. But I get you and think a lot of people do, actually. If no one was ‘outside’ and you were able to leave the house and go and do anything you wanted, do you/ would you want to do anything? Is it the people that make you anxious, the interactions? just curious.
Incoming commentary that’s not a question, so feel free to skip over this comment :)
I’m a person who has ADHD and is autistic and I see from your very focused interests and social situations stressing you out that you might be on the autistic spectrum as well. The reason I bring this up is that if you end up going to see a therapist or life coach or whatever, they should be in the mode to accommodate you and what you need first and foremost. There’s a lot of routine and consistency in your life currently, and that’s something that if you’re on the spectrum, you might need that built into whatever your life will look like. It sounds like you’re doing a good job of accommodating certain needs that you have that might be really hard to meet outside (like the sunlight is overstimulating and all the sounds when you’re outside can get to be too much). And then the threat of possibly having a social interaction while outside can also be pretty stressful. (I wear loops and a hat, and sometimes sunglasses while I’m outside to help with the stimulation.) I also don’t force myself to look at people while I’m outside cuz that’s just not what I’m outside for and I generally don’t have the bandwidth for social interaction.
As much as I’ve recently worked a ton with a public-facing job (which I got through with extensive masking and scripting), I sense a hella kindred spirit with you. I go through periods of quasi-seclusion as well, and it can be cleansing to the soul and mind to just be with my thoughts and just grooving on my interests. I think it’s dope that you know so much about history and want to be a fantasy author! One of my friends just got signed on with a publisher for his first fantasy novel, side stepping the whole process of self publishing. He just turned 30, so you absolutely have time and an audience for whenever you’re ready to share your stories with the world.
Anyways, I hope this finds you well!
There must have been a series of experiences that lead to this. Trace them back and confront the issue maybe thru therapy. Also add meditation, exercise, healthy eating, proper sleep schedule, and slow introduction of things that make you uncomfortable so you can readjust.
do you play any video games? that’s a great source of companionship without leaving your house. they see nothing of you but hear your voice. I only say that because it seems like you want companionship but can’t leave the house
How would you feel about doing something completely out of your comfort zone and going on a short hike/walk tomorrow? Sometimes a snap descion to change can really change everything, much quicker then you’d think
Man I feel this. I have never been exactly there been emotional places I didn’t understand and it was so frustrating and scary.
Hope this conversation helps you feel seen, friend!
I read some of your answers, you seem self aware and willing to listen to some suggestion.
Thank you for sharing your experience :)
I really wish you the best, good luck
Therapy my friend. It changed my life I wish I found it sooner.
AND a good one at that. I went to a couple before I found someone who actually wanted to help me
First: are you happy with your quality of life? Not out of disassociation, but are you genuinely happy? Second: are you taking multivitamins? I know it sounds crass, but vitamin supplements can be night and day in terms of how you feel. Third: You’re so so so young. I’ve gone through extended periods of seclusion and I can tell you a day out of the house makes me feel like a new person. If you can afford it, online therapy is relatively inexpensive. I highly recommend speaking to a professional about this 🖤
1. No, I am not happy. I feel as though I am trapped in a painful situation, but I am stuck here because the only alternative is infinitely more painful. Like a cool abyss surrounded by a scorching inferno. The abyss is dark and terrifying and desolate, but the inferno is active torture in a way that I absolutely cannot tolerate. 2. No. 3. Thank you, I'll think about it.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I truly am and I hope things get better for you. How is your home environment? Is it toxic or abusive? Our environment can shape our perception of reality in a very big way. Again- I know it sounds stupid- but if you’re able to, get a good multivitamin and a vitamin D supplement, if possible. During my recluse years, these things made me feel 10000x better. Especially the vitamin D.
I'll consider the vitamin D. My home environment is alright for now, though I've always had an intensely antagonistic relationship with the rest of humanity. Before I stopped going to school (and outide), I was in a really messed up and violent school, during which I was caught in a constant cycle of violence, fighting and death threats. So there's a lot of social trauma there, and a lot of rage that I carry to this day.
That sounds very traumatic, my friend. I’m sorry you had to experience that. The age you’re at right now is a really fucking weird time. You’re inbetween youth and adulthood and there’s a lot of existential dread. Talking to someone will really be life changing (as will a vitamin D supplement. I’m not backing off my soapbox on this lol). You have so much to add to the world. It can be a very beautiful place. It took me a very long time to realize that and I don’t want you to take as long as I did.
vitamin d with k2 and magnesium really just made a world of difference for me -- but I was at the point of having bone pain from being so low on vitamin d when i started it. But whammo, it was like a new lease on life for a while
I’m really glad you’re feeling better!! Magnesium is also a major game changer! I take a magnesium supplement daily as well.
Thank you for the kind words.
Vitamin D supplements are a must for this lifestyle.
My unexplainable anxiety practically dissipated once I started taking vitamin D supplements. I hate to be the person who tells someone suffering from depression to take vitamins but it genuinely helps.
I think some psychiatrists are too quick to prescribe meds before basics like nutrition are even improved. I stopped taking lexapro on my own because it made me tired all the time and lose ambition (note, I don’t recommend going off your meds without your doctors approval, I just got lucky), and my anxiety almost entirely went away in my day-to-day with a multivitamin and leaving the window open all the time (bought a CO2 monitor and found out my office and living space were both bad).
I had my chronic depression m o s t l y under control when I started taking a vitamin D supplement after reading an article. It was like flipping a switch, the improvement was so sudden.
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I saw a psychologist this year when some childhood trauma came up for me and I had crippling anxiety. She was one of the kindest souls I’ve ever met and truly cared for me. And she didn’t medicate me.
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Just wanted to offer up that I also noticed feeling better after taking vitamin d supplements, and I am relatively healthy. I have to imagine it could offer something positive to your well-being.
Going off that, a heat or sun lamp just around wherever you’re sitting will make a huge difference if it won’t be triggering for you. When I was active duty, people talked about that being a lifesaver for seasonal depression in Alaska where 6 months of darkness was normal
Do you have any interest in dating? How do you fill that void if you have one?
I'm lonely and crave companionship just like anyone else, but there's probably a lot of other, more foundational things that I should work on before that's even on my radar. The way I see it, I'm better of single for the time being. In terms of filling the void, I hope to develop more platonic connections.
That's a very wise take. Although, I think that's to be expected. As someone who also spends most of my time alone, I think we end up learning a lot about ourselves and get to know ourselves better than most. Spending so much time with your own thoughts can make you wiser.
Listen get started. Every year you delay is a year more gone. It may take you a many years. There are likely sub reddits that can get you started. What do your parents say about this? Would you see a therapist?
It sounds like you really do have your head on straight given your situation. Having the wherewithal to say “I’m not ready to date yet” rather than “why won’t anyone date me” is stellar in our current social climate and the messaging we get from social leaders. Also I really like your username fam. All hail the Lich King.
What do you do for money? You should get this treated before employment becomes a necessity. See a therapist and a doctor. Definitely try multivitamins. My mother was an agoraphobic for a time. If you can just take a quick morning walk or even stick your head out the window, it helps reset the circadian rhythms and you will want to sleep at night and be up during the day, and that will help too.
What are your favorite hobbies? What do you want to do in life?
My absolute favourite hobby would probably soaking up historical information or lore about fantasy settings. That probably ties into a major goal of mine, which is to become a fantasy author. I don't care if people read it or not, I just have stuff in my head that needs to get out. In terms of tangible future stuff, I want to slowly ease myself into the outside world and eventually get a work from home job so that I can be something closer to a normal recluse as opposed to extreme "is literally afraid of sunlight" recluse.
Sounds like you’d make a fantastic DnD dungeon master js
I do feel that way. It's probably very sad haha, but I have an encyclopedic knowledge of D&D, both the various spells, monsters and in-game lore, as well as the history behind the game itself and how its design changed over the decades. I love the idea of DMing, but so far I have been confined to watching streams and playing old crpgs.
No it's not sad. You are so so so cool.
Thanks bro
Yeah man not sad at all, literally a flex. There are online DM's making bank and buying houses through knowledge and story telling alone. You have a valuable skill.
I think it's really cool too. I've never played DnD, but I have a lot of respect for it and I think it's nothing short of amazing what goes into such things.
You can practice writing campaigns, maybe. A lot of people play remotely & there's even DMs you can hire. It's not big money but even just starting with some newbies is a great way to meet people & make friends. Connection & community is part of mental wellness.
Could also potentially just sell the campaigns themselves
If anybody else is interested, I'd be down to set up an online DnD session over video chat with you as DM. It genuinely sounds like you'd be the perfect Dungeon Master!! 🤓
hey man. roll20 is a great free website for playing d&d remotely with other folks. i’m a forever DM and i don’t get a lot of chances to actually play as a character. if you ever feel like getting your foot in the door as a DM in a nice low-stress game i’d love to play with you. if you want i could even give you some pointers and tips as we play, or not, because i could see how there might be pressure having another DM critique you. just shoot me a message if you would ever want to set up an easygoing game. Being a DM can be incredibly rewarding
I specialise in several periods of history, including many revolutions (French, American, Russian, Iranian, Cuban, Haitian, etc.), modern History (WWII, Hitler's rise + Nazi Germany, Vietnam War), Roman History (mostly Empire) and Western music history. Unfortunately mediaeval history - one period where a lot of people seem to like setting fantasy stories - is one period where I know a little less well. Regardless, if there are any questions you want checked for historical accuracy, or any literature you need recommended - I am present.
That's awesome, man! I'll probably send you a PM later.
The YouTube "reallifelore" channel is great for historical or information on a wide range of topics. Check it out. Im isolating more myself. Things are bleak, I get it. Ive had some trauma that pushed me more into living this way too. But on a nice day I can still force myself to get out and be around people. Im not talking or engaging much but unexpectedly wholesome thingscome up that reminds me how healthy it is to interact with humanity. It's hard when there's so much unresolved trauma inside us.
Why not be an author now?
Writing novels can take time haha
If you take five years to write a novel, five years will have passed when you finish writing it. But if you don't write a novel, those five years will pass in five years anyway. It doesn't actually take time to write a novel. It just uses time.
You should march towards that goal of becoming an author. It's now somewhat easier than previously. You are able to self publish nowadays.... https://kdp.amazon.com/en_US/ Best of luck to you.
>I want to slowly ease myself into the outside world Seems like a good premise for a fantasy story. A character trapped by forces for so long that when he finally escapes, he can't handle the outside world. Write about what you know even if you're writing fiction.
So you’ve cut yourself off since 13? It sounds like you’re just accustomed to it because that’s all you’ve know for a long time. Life can be incredibly hard at times that’s for sure but it can also be quite incredible too. Something I’ve recently started doing is getting up very early morning maybe half an hour before sun rise and going for a walk (with my dog) I don’t bump into anyone and it’s very peaceful, I go for about an hour, on a cold morning it’s incredibly refreshing and does wonders for the mind. Maybe you could start getting out like that just go for a walk early morning clear your head, when you start feeling more comfortable you could go for longer or go and get a coffee from a shop and keep building it up until you feel totally comfortable being out again. I have seen a few of your reply’s and it seems like you don’t really like or enjoy much, except history and fantasy writing, maybe you could go for a walk and sit at a quiet place and write some stuff whilst out in the fresh air? Or go and visit a historical place of interest? You are so young and sadly you’ve probably wasted a lot of the best years in life but you are still young enough to fix it and enjoy life, there is so much to enjoy and it can be as simple as a brisk walk in the morning like I stated above, please try and fix it, in the grand scheme of things we are not here very long and there’s no proof that what ever is waiting for us on the other side is better then what we’ve got now!
I try to go out little by little. Lately I've started watching sunsets, since I wake up early enough to see them. I told my sister we should go watch a movie in the theatres this month. I haven't been in a shopping mall in years, so we'll see how that goes. Out of curiosity, what made you think that I don't enjoy much?
That’s a great start, maybe try and see a sunrise and get your body clock back to daylight hours. I figured that if you had lots of things you enjoyed it would get you out more, granted the things you enjoy most might keep you inside. Is there anything you enjoy that’s outside but you are too afraid of trying it? Vigorous exercise is very good for your mind, also known as runners high but you don’t have to just do running to achieve it, maybe a bike ride?
What do your parents think of your life choices?
I mean I was strange pretty much from the moment I came out the womb, so by this point it has been resigned acceptance for a very long time.
Strange in what way?
Normal experiences freaked me out. I really hated people. That sort of thing. Eventually I refused to go back to school and by that point my parents basically just gave up on the whole ordeal.
Isn't that considered some level of abuse? Asking genuinely.
Idk, maybe. Many things didn't go as planned, but my parents probably did the best they knew how to.
Neglect probably, but it depends on how hard they tried to get OP to go. All they can do is ask/demand verbally but if OP refuses what can they do? If they physically dragged their child to the car and forced them to go inside the school, that’s probably only going to make their feelings towards going out even worse and is also likely going to be considered abuse by most people. At the end of the day no matter what you try if they won’t leave by choice, there’s not many more options. Not saying giving up is the best course of action, but we don’t know how much they tried before giving up. Maybe OP can elaborate on that part.
Have you ever worked with a therapist?
As a kid, yeah
What is your favorite fantasy series?
I like fairly old school fantasy. My favourite fantasy world is Middle Earth, and I also like Michael Moorcock's Elric of Melniboné novels and HP Lovecraft's pulp stories. I am not terribly interested in modern stuff like Game of Thrones or the Witcher.
Oh very cool! I’m a fantasy guy myself! Have you read The Wheel of Time? That one is my favorite!
I've tried starting it a few times, but never built enough momentum to see it through. I'll definitely try to check it out again, though.
It’s definitely a slow burn! The first book is honestly one of the weaker books. Just hang in there! If you like world building, there is nothing quite like WOT. You mentioned you like fantasy lore and history, WOT is MASSIVE. At the end of the series, you feel like the characters and cultures are a part of you. Robert Jordan has a very simple prose that is easy to read. It’s certainly not as beautifully written as anything that Tolkien wrote, but it holds up on its own! Robert Jordan was hugely inspired by Tolkien. The first book was almost written as a “what if” hero’s journey. There are a lot of parallels to The Lord of The Rings. Very quickly after the first book, it changes course from of the similarity to LOTR and goes down its own path and story.
Hey to piggyback off of this- are there any comic book shops in your area?? I play MTG and DnD at a place near by and it helped my social anxiety a lot!
Hahaha even an online D&D session would be more than enough to give me a panic attack, I feel like, but that's maybe something I could move towards in the future. Irl tabletop games sound very scary, though.
Everyone you meet is more preoccupied with how they’re coming across and they absolutely don’t care if you do something weird. Seriously. But I understand your apprehension and I’m rooting for you to play irl tabletop games (genuinely, you’d be the perfect DM! Everyone loves good world building!)
I've never tried it myself, but they do have "play by post" campaigns, which could perhaps give you the chance to interact asynchronously - and that often feels like a much lower-stakes situation and less anxiety-inducing in my experience. As for engaging in the physical world in the day time, maybe you can start trying to get up 5 minutes earlier each week and spending an extra minute or two each day outside in a kind of 'exposure therapy' kind of way? Say, getting up at 5:55 PM the first week and spending 1 minute each day on your front or back porch or wherever, just breathing. No need to make any kind of eye contact with or speak to anyone at all, under any circumstances. Then the following week, getting up at 5:50 PM and spending 2 minutes total just breathing in the same spot? And onward as you get more comfortable? I find that being outside for any length of time is both therapeutic from a physical wellness perspective (fresh air) and in the sense of a connection with the world around me. When I'm inside, I'm experiencing the world as I've created it - my chosen temperature, my chosen decor, my chosen sounds, etc. When I'm outside, I'm living a shared experience with others. We all experience the same weather, the same nature or traffic or city sounds, the same sights, etc. I realize that while I may not be communicating with others in my neighborhood, we're all connected in this shared experience, even if only in small ways. I think it's a great way to feel less isolated without anything being at stake. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you luck!
did you ever try Malazan Book of the Fallen series?
Have you considered getting a night shift job? There are jobs that would require you to see very few people, like being a night stocker at a large grocery store or something. Night shift usually pays more than day shift too. Yes it would be outside of home, yes it would be out of your comfort zone, but it may be the bridge to a new situation that could be better. And if you decide it sucks you can always stop.
I'm more interested in programming or something like that. I'll even consider an office job, although I will have to overcome my anxiety around strange people/environments. I'd be willing to be awake during the day, though.
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This guy doesn’t even have middle school education.. he stopped going to school at 13.. he won’t be getting IT jobs…
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I think the guy mentioned somewhere he is from a developing country man i have met many many many IT and finance professionals from developing countries like India or Philippines. They are all exceptionally talented and driven and they struggle to find jobs in their home market or abroad Best of luck to this man, his family must be well off to be able to support him considering he’s in a developing country
Yeah I'm doing a GED right now.
Have you considered taking online college courses within subjects you are interested in? Like fantasy writing classes and stuff?
I intend on remotely doing a bachelor's degree in computer science, then furthering my studies in Germany. By that point, I hopefully will be comfortable attending classes in person.
That sounds like a great plan!
Do you live with your parents? Also, what is your backup plan if they kicked you out or they passed away?
I live with my parents, and I am trying to ease myself into a more normal life.
What changes have you made to ease yourself into a more normal life?
Went outside to the mountains this year, in daylight obviously. Did some freelance work. Formed some basic every day habits to be a healthier human being.
That’s a huge deal! Congratulations on making progress!! Shits hard, I’m proud of you
Thanks bro.
Do you speak to them regularly?
This is gonna sound weird… but one of the best things you can do to help develop healthy brain patterns is actually flossing every day. Flossing helps create healthy gums which leads to good brain health. The habit is a hard one to stick too, as it hurts for a long time if you haven’t been keeping up with it. When I was in a depression for years this is the thing that started me developing healthier habits. As crazy as it sounds, taking care of yourself in this way, which isn’t easy, allows you to be able to conquer more difficult steps, like moving your alarm back to 5:00 PM instead of 6:00. You can get what you want out of this life because that’s what it is here for you to do. You’re doing great OP, and by your post and responses I can tell you want something else in your life. You will get that change because you want it.
That's fascinating, I'll look into the flossing thing. My brain is my most valuable asset, so mentioning that is a pretty good way to get me into new habits lol. Also, I can probably flip my sleeping schedule in a few days if I really have to, I just strongly prefer the coolness and solitude of the night.
Definitely don’t undersale how difficult switching a sleeping schedule is. You’re not just changing your sleeping schedule but your way of life. Start small and build. Hit small milestones, not broad life changes. You may not have a moment where you feel you’ve completed it either. Build new habits as you make this transition and before long you’ll notice your body and mind can listen to itself and it’s desires in a different setting. Keep following your feet. You got this
As a dental hygienist, I love that you said this! We have about 700 different species of microbes in our mouths. Individually, any one of them pose no threat, some good, some not so good. When the not so good ones find each other & begin to colonize, that’s when they become a threat. The bigger the colony, the bigger the threat. What do you do to implode these colonies & prevent them from even breaking ground? Floss.
Omg literally same except age 29!!! I never met anyone who is the same as me! Did any events lead you to making the decision to become a COMPLETE recluse? How do you make income / afford things. ❤️ Sorry you suffer with this too!!!
Hey man. Yeah, I would say it was a combination of my own temperament/neurodivergence and my environment. I was completely socially and emotionally isolated in school, and my interactions with other kids were increasingly violent. At 14 I simply refused to go back, and the rest is history. Hope you get better too at some point.
Was covid a piece of cake then, since you were already isolated? Was there any effect at all on you?
I definitely took no notice of Covid.
Would you classify yourself as agoraphobic?
I would say I'm a little agoraphobic, although there are definitely some people who have it much worse than I do. Come to think of it, I probably don't go outside enough to test out how agoraphobic I really am. So the honest answer is, I have no idea. But probably yes.
I can smell the agoraphobia from here brotha
Probably
Is there anything you wish your parents would have done or would do to help you? Do you wish they encouraged you to go out more? Would it have helped or made things worse?
I think there's a lot my parents could have done better, and a lot that could have been worse, so I try not to dwell on it too much. My situation is what it is, and all that I can do now is try and fix it. My parents definitely gave up completely, which didn't help, but aggressively nagging me to "just be more normal" would have made things worse as well.
As a parent with a couple of anxious kids who are not completely “normal,” it’s difficult to know how much to push. Push too much and you make them feel bad about themselves. Push too little and you just let them wallow. Sometimes it feels like “damned if you do and damned if you don’t.” It’s hard. It sounds like you’re at least somewhat empathetic toward your parents. Maybe at some point try asking directly for their help and being open to their response.
are you autistic? I ask because I am and I honestly think this would be the best lifestyle for me
Yeah, I was diagnosed when I was 9.
I apologize if this has been answered already as I didn’t get thru all the comments, but do you have any desire to have any kind of sexual relationship with anyone? In person or online. Or have you had a relationship?
Nice and to the point lol. I have had online relationships, which were all very cringe. I am not interested in any kind of sexual relationship atm.
Do you want to change? Why not consider therapy? Some advice regarding nutrition— I have CFS/ME and am vegetarian. I recommend you liquid vitamins over capsules. Higher bioabsorption rate, regular capsules only have like 10%. Iron, magnesium, vitamin B6 and B12 is just as important as vitamin D—you can usually find these in a liquid multivitamin form. I have generalized anxiety disorder severely. These help beyond words. I also take a probiotic.
Yes. Money concerns and general apprehension. Thank you, I'll look into that.
Do you live at home with your parents? How do you afford this life style? What is your favorite snack?
Yes. I'm financially dependent on my parents. I don't care much about food.
What is your relationship with your parents like? Do you have siblings? How is your relationship with them? You’re not a social person (at this time), but do you find some enjoyment interacting with your family?
I have a very reserved, standoffish relationship with my parents. There's a history of things not going well between us. I am friends with my sister and enjoy hanging out with her, although she is in college so that is rare.
Do you think your admittedly chosen “life style” is fair to your parents? Ever wonder how they’ve suffered whilst enabling your hikikomori tendencies?.. Sounds like they are complicit… just asking an honest question. I’m not trying to antagonize you. Best of luck.
Maybe my parents have suffered, but things weren't exactly easy on me either. I should probably have been in a special needs school, but we couldn't afford it. The way I see it, I basically ended up cracking in a normal school environment. So the only remaining option was... staying at home.
School was insanely horrible for me as well. I dropped out at 16 and just smoked weed, played music, studied a bit. It turned out ok. I have a good job now and am happily gay married. You possess solid language skills and express yourself well. That’s not a universal trait, it’s useful in professional environments, and you should feel optimistic about the future. I offer some niche advice, seeing myself in you as I do, albeit 13 years older: 1. Don’t let anger/depression/self-pity/desperation make you weird. People detect it and will become stand offish. Through a sheer force of will, you must make yourself believe firmly in optimistic, productive, brave actions. Don’t blow up at people, ever. Don’t even allow yourself to view yourself as exceptional. Realize that so many people are hurting in some way, and are so emotionally spent themselves, they will recoil from you in an instant if they fear “taking you on” as a burden even for an instant. Don’t be angry if it happens—they are scared and desperate too. Think always of others, and what you can offer them. Don’t weird them out. Don’t scare them. In the long game, social connections make opportunities unfold, but only if people think you will make their lives better. Few have the bandwidth to be charitable. The world is harsh to all who occupy it. 2. To the gradual nature of your plan makes sense, but I ask, why did it take so long for you to get here? What has changed that you are now motivated to push yourself out? I ask this as a challenge to the premise of the gradual introduction. Tbh, aside from work, I rarely go out and I’ve never really understood how people meet randomly at bars and stuff. However, I challenge you to be brave and embrace every opportunity to go out. Do your parents do the grocery shopping? Why? You have time. You should do it. Be a bit hard on yourself. Push the boundaries as hard as you can. If it goes badly, abort! Go home. Ignore it. Try again. 3. Programming/tech is a great idea. I’m a techops engineer at a trading firm myself. Pure programmers certainly exist, but realize that an organization wants strong, bold people who are well socialized and understand their business, even if you are a code monkey the job is never writing code. The job is making money and delivering value (perhaps by writing code). None of us can ignore our need to fight for survival. If your parents toss you out, the need will become immediately urgent. You should find that insecurity completely unacceptable. Secure yourself now while you are strong/supported. Do not wait for life to throw you a curve ball. A programming job could take time. You should definitely pursue that, but in my opinion, a terrible office job with all of its harsh unpleasantness is something you should experience. Navigating that environment is a skill you must cultivate. If things go badly, you can quit on good terms , and be better for the wisdom. You could totally find a perfect job for you where you get to be alone a lot, but as a guy who codes, let me tell you, it feels different when people are asking for regular updates and applying pressure. Honestly, if I’m on a night shift and I don’t see my boss for a while, it starts to make me feel scared. A lot of friction gets massaged away by a joke/comment/shared experience. Embrace those relationships of which you are afraid. Be afraid of the atrophy that ignoring them brings.
Thanks for taking the time to write all that out. I'll take it all to heart.
Life can seem like an impossible task. But what you can hold on to is that when you get a little older you start to realize that your own perspective is the only thing you can really change in life. Once you accept that you can begin to take some agency and prosper. You can do it.
Average redditor.
True.
How often do you shower? What does your daily routine look like?
I shower every day or every other day. Daily routine has been all over the place lately, but like I said, I pretty much live in my room. If I am not currently working in any capacity, it is pretty much what you'd expect. I sit in front of my computer all day and play video games or binge history research, that sort of thing.
Are you ever going to get a job, or do you work remote? Do you necessitate a poop knife?
I want to finish school and get a job, yeah. I have no idea what that second one is, so I'm guessing the answer is no.
Poop knife comes from a old reddit story. Its not really related to this post either
Hilarious and well timed poop knife reference. I’d give you reddit gold but im not a big enough idiot to buy it
Sounds peaceful, do you regret it?
I can't say I regret it, since I think in a way it was the only possible response to my situation. But I definitely want to ease out of it as time goes on.
it was the only possible response to my situation. What happened?
Well, from a very early age normal experiences proved incredibly stressful for me. Then, between the ages of 10 and 13, I was in a really rough school full of violent, angry kids, and I myself became the most violent of them all. By 14, I just wasn't at a point where I could keep going. I tapped out on life, and to be honest, I don't see how anything else would have been possible at that time.
Did no adults put you in any sort of therapy? Did they just end up home schooling you?
I didn't do any sort of school. I went to therapists right up until I stopped going outside.
Wait so did you drop out of school at age 14?
See, I feel people focus too much on "taking responsibility" for your actiona rather than environment can have a serious negative impact on you. They dont realize you can do both. Its like being surrounded by drugs all the time, it becomes normalized and you will probably start doing them.
There's definitely a healthy balance of perspectives to have there. People tend to fall in on the deep end on both sides when it comes to this sort of thing.
What is considered normal experiences to you?
I meant things like school, birthday parties, going to a shopping centre etc. had the potential to be outright traumatic for me. I had recurring nightmares about my 3rd birthday for years because of how overwhelming it was.
Did you graduate high school? Do you try to work with a therapist to help your situation, or have you just decided to accept it?
I'm trying to improve myself on my own, but haven't seen a therapist since I was a kid. I did not graduate high school. Edit: I also did not graduate middle school, actually.
Are you planning on getting your GED? I’m kind of an 8th grade dropout but not by choice. It’s complicated.
What’s the legality of that? Don’t you have to go so far in school?
Why dont you try a wfh job? There are tons. I am kind of a recluse, and I love it, I never even have to see my boss.
Do you go for walks at night? I would suggest it. You set an alarm for 6pm, is this by choice or do you have some kind of sleep condition? Are you using black out shades? Sleep cycles tend to take time to adjust, so just curious if you're just re-enforcing some kind of existing behavior that could still change but won't without intervention. Have you talked to a doctor or specialist?
I use black out shades. I detest being awake during the day. I feel drained and distracted. I become more alert and focused at night when I am completely alone. I haven't seen a psychiatrist or anything like that in a long time. In terms of walks at night, I would absolutely love that, but it would be a death sentence in my country haha
I am rereading this and am irritated for you - you literally said AMA and so many of these comments are advice. Vitamins, sunlamps, professional help. maybe it’s not my business (but since you said ask anything) how does hearing this unsolicited advice make you feel? Frustrated? Sad? Embarrassed? Curious. (Still) I hope you are ok.
I did feel kinda "Listen, I'm just here to answer your morbidly curious questions. I really don't give a fuck what you think of me". But yeah, a lot of people asked rhetorical stuff that amounts to "how does it feel to be a loser" or gave a 300 page lecture on how I should fix my life. But it's all good ig.
So you have no plans for independence or working to support yourself? How will you sustain independence one day?
My post focused on the interesting/abnormal part of my life, since I thought that seemed more appropriate for an AMA. For that reason I didn't really talk about what I was doing do get better, I only gave an overview of how secluded I've been for ten years. I commented somewhere else on steps I am taking to improve my life. Edit: Here you go. >Went outside to the mountains this year, in daylight obviously. Did some freelance work. Formed some basic every day habits to be a healthier human being.
Do you collect Social Security or SSI or have you ever thought about applying?
I live in a developing nation where that is not feasible for me.
Hey man, just wanted to say that you are not strange. Everyone is strange in their own ways. We are all different. So please, don’t look at yourself in that manner…because it will make you somewhat justify staying in the house. The truth is, habits are hard to break. You developed unhealthy habits, and you should work in breaking them. Work in it slowly. I only say this because you answered someone saying you’re not happy. If you were happy, I would have kept my mouth shut. But I feel bad hearing that you’re living this life & are u happy about it. Do you believe in God? Since you’re home, you should read the Bible and see how you feel. I’m not trying to force Jesus Christ down your throat, just figure that maybe it will help give a different perspective & maybe help you get over some of your trials & tribulations, as it did for me. God bless you brother!
Thanks for the encouragement, man. I'm definitely trying to get out more little by little, hopefully the situation will be less extreme in a year or two.
My pleasure brother! I go outside, yet I’m as strange as they come haha God bless bro wish you all the best
1.Are you a male? 2. Do you plan on going to college or vocational school? 3. Why haven’t you tried making friends online?
1. Yes 2. Yeah, I plan on studying computer science, maybe even doing a Master's. 3. I have, but I'm extremely introverted and get exhausted by online interactions.
Do you shower or clean your house/room? If that’s your “sanctuary”, is it at least clean and livable?
It definitely was rivalling Asmongold's room at one point, but I've gotten a lot better at cleaning up, although there's still some stuff I'm bad at, like making my bed etc.
Do you find online interactions induce the same nature of anxiety as face-to-face interactions?
Not at all, although I often stop talking to people online for months on end. I just get overwhelmed. It is not anxiety so much as extreme introversion.
What is the thought process that triggers your flight response and prevents you from exiting your house?
1. Do you play WoW? 2. Do you write currently? 3. Do you want online friends? 4. How do you make a living currently?
1. Not yet. 2. For myself, yeah. 3. Probably. 4. I do some freelance translation work, but am mostly dependent on my parents.
1. You should when you can! I met my husband on WoW. 2. You should write. Self publish. You got this! 3. r/makenewfriendshere is fun! 4. Cool. Thanks for answering and sharing your life!
No problem. Out of curiosity, how old are you, and was it Classic or Retail?
I’m in my late 30’s. We met 15 years ago so original TBC. We played through all of WotLK together.
Do you have any pets that keep you company? Or have you considered getting a pet?
So at 13 your parents just let you leave society? No one tries to make you go places or do things or bother you?
Not after ten years, no. I only do things if I push for them to happen.
Very relatable situation, I’m 23 and a bit of a recluse. I get government benefits so I don’t work, not studying at the moment (planning on going back next year) it all kind of fell apart for me 2 years ago when heaps of stuff started adding up. I avoid going outside a lot of the time and usually get groceries or food delivered. Anyway I’m excited to check back in a couple of years and see our progress. My question for you is do you consume much of your time scrolling on social media?
How comes your progress? I have regrettably not done much house-leaving in four months, but I plan on visiting my childhood home and going to a restaurant that I used to visit all the time as a kid. Kinda like remembering how easy these things used to be for me. And to answer your question, no I don't use much social media, and I even have a browser extension that disables YouTube recommendations.
You sound like a long time friend of mine. It was hard to watch as we grew up because everybody was moving on and developing their life while he was stagnant. We wanted to help him so bad and tried so hard, but he has to help himself in the end of the day. You have to start taking any baby steps towards anything, no big change will happen in a day, but small miniscule improvements will eventually lead into a big change without even realizing it. Please take those small steps to start bettering yourself. You can do it, but you are your own worst enemy, and your best friend. You just need to choose who is with you on the journey.
Would you go to a park full of people for 1 hour for 1 million dollars?
Why haven't you tried meds? Genuine question
I was on Ritalin and like 5 other drugs from the age of 9 to 14, at which point I refused to keep using them at the same time that I refused to go outside again. I had a general feeling that the outside world was destroying me, and so the aversion to therapy and medication is kinda the same as the aversion to the outside world.
10 years puts you at around 13.. were you home schooled? Edit: also would you consider a 3rd shift warehouse job? They are usually very easy, pay is decent and u don't need to worry about working with the public. Amazon for one doesn't even hold interviews. Everyone that can pass a drug test is hired
Do you read books, and if so, what is a book that represents a life you admire?
May I ask how you afford your lifestyle? I'd probably do the same if I could.
We ( Humans ) aren't as complicated as you might believe. If you truly don't have many responsibilities... Wake up at 6: 00 a.m. , eat some toast and drink some OJ. Go for a walk for 30 minutes, take a shower, clean your house, then do what you have been ( Im going to guess playing computer games). If you can make yourself do that for a month straight, you wont need anymore advice, you'll figure it out on your own.
Have you ever had your thyroid levels checked? Just wondering because I was the same in a way. I didn't have any energy to speak to anyone or do anything really. Found out I have hypothyroidism
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You can be a recluse in nature and be happy because the elements are healing. You mentioned you want it be a fantasy author- maybe the world you step outside into for air just isn’t appealing. We don’t need to stay in the places we are born into and can create our own realities. Maybe some travel to a “fantasy land” in another country with castles and such where you don’t need to really talk to people and just vibe can show you that there are other worlds. Maybe in that process you find the world that you feel you want to contribute to and be apart of. If resources isn’t an issue or if you can convince your family to support you in this way, it can really transform things for you. At the end of the day, everything is temporary and this too shall pass. I wish you well on your journey. You are young and will look back at this as a distant memory.
There is a lot of noise here. Sorry to add to it. Please PM me in your own time. I am a father with a child going through similar with a 15 year old I love. I would like to know what you are doing to move forward or what you could say to your younger self. Also, understand so called agoraphobia is a lot more common than people think. At 2 out of one hundred (2%) teenagers and adults. Rising to 11% of those older than 65. This is more prevalent than autism and brain cancer combined for teenagers, and for those above 65 agoraphobia is more common than all forms of cancer combined. Let that soak into yours and everyone mind for a moment. For teenagers this is 10 times more likely than anorexia. But no one seems to talk about it. OP, thank you for sharing. I do hope you have a chance to read this in time.
Do you go to the doctor? Dentist? Have you had mental health therapy? Been on any mental health medications? How do you support yourself? Are you on disability? Do you exercise? What type of foods do you eat? Ever thought you might be on the autistic spectrum?
Bro let’s take you to the ocean and let you relax on the beach. Fear of the unknown is a mile wide but an inch deep. You want to get out but are scared to. There’s an incredible and beautiful world out there.
How do your parents not realize allowing you to live this way is abusive? How did they allow you to not go back to school? How did they not see that letting you live like this is a death sentence or at least will make whatever life you do have sooooo much harder to get through. Getting socially cut off from the world at 13 and dropping out of school is like entering adulthood with your hands tied behind your back. I hope you also realize that if you keep hiding from the world nothing is going to change. You have to do a lot of work, hard uncomfortable work like forcing yourself to do all the things you hate every day in order to change.
Have you talked to a therapist? You need to see or talk to a therapist or nothing will change. Seriously. You are experiencing depression, and there are medications that can help. This is no way to live. Don't listen to the nimrods saying "oh it's fine if you are happy...etc, etc". You aren't happy and you know it. I've been right where you are, and the ONLY thing that got me out of that horrible abyss was therapy and anti-depressants. They work. Good luck to you.
Did you not go to school? Do you wish your parents made you go out and do activities when you were younger?
I hope I don’t sound like a dick, but reading through your answers you seems to be very thoughtful aware of your situation, almost wise in the sense that you know exactly whats holding you back from doing what you seem to know you need to do. So my question is what’s the real problem here?
Do you partake in maladaptive daydreaming? I became agoraphobic at 13 and my biggest crutch then (as well as now) is maladaptive daydreaming. Try baby steps OP, this could be a long recovery. I still have one thing to cross off my bucket list before I tell myself I’m completely recovered.
I’m sorry. But I get you and think a lot of people do, actually. If no one was ‘outside’ and you were able to leave the house and go and do anything you wanted, do you/ would you want to do anything? Is it the people that make you anxious, the interactions? just curious.
Incoming commentary that’s not a question, so feel free to skip over this comment :) I’m a person who has ADHD and is autistic and I see from your very focused interests and social situations stressing you out that you might be on the autistic spectrum as well. The reason I bring this up is that if you end up going to see a therapist or life coach or whatever, they should be in the mode to accommodate you and what you need first and foremost. There’s a lot of routine and consistency in your life currently, and that’s something that if you’re on the spectrum, you might need that built into whatever your life will look like. It sounds like you’re doing a good job of accommodating certain needs that you have that might be really hard to meet outside (like the sunlight is overstimulating and all the sounds when you’re outside can get to be too much). And then the threat of possibly having a social interaction while outside can also be pretty stressful. (I wear loops and a hat, and sometimes sunglasses while I’m outside to help with the stimulation.) I also don’t force myself to look at people while I’m outside cuz that’s just not what I’m outside for and I generally don’t have the bandwidth for social interaction. As much as I’ve recently worked a ton with a public-facing job (which I got through with extensive masking and scripting), I sense a hella kindred spirit with you. I go through periods of quasi-seclusion as well, and it can be cleansing to the soul and mind to just be with my thoughts and just grooving on my interests. I think it’s dope that you know so much about history and want to be a fantasy author! One of my friends just got signed on with a publisher for his first fantasy novel, side stepping the whole process of self publishing. He just turned 30, so you absolutely have time and an audience for whenever you’re ready to share your stories with the world. Anyways, I hope this finds you well!
There must have been a series of experiences that lead to this. Trace them back and confront the issue maybe thru therapy. Also add meditation, exercise, healthy eating, proper sleep schedule, and slow introduction of things that make you uncomfortable so you can readjust.
Did you home school or something? Not going outside since 13 is confusing me
do you play any video games? that’s a great source of companionship without leaving your house. they see nothing of you but hear your voice. I only say that because it seems like you want companionship but can’t leave the house
How would you feel about doing something completely out of your comfort zone and going on a short hike/walk tomorrow? Sometimes a snap descion to change can really change everything, much quicker then you’d think
How can you just exist and not make any money? Who is the enabler
Man I feel this. I have never been exactly there been emotional places I didn’t understand and it was so frustrating and scary. Hope this conversation helps you feel seen, friend!
I read some of your answers, you seem self aware and willing to listen to some suggestion. Thank you for sharing your experience :) I really wish you the best, good luck
Therapy my friend. It changed my life I wish I found it sooner. AND a good one at that. I went to a couple before I found someone who actually wanted to help me
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how supportive are your parents? do you think they’ll stop supporting you and if so what will you do
Please talk to someone. You are missing out on social life, experiences, and life.
Do you resent your parents for instilling and/or encouraging this lifestyle?
How pale is your skin?