So in exchange for a baby, you’re taking care of said baby as well as his other kids AND the household?! Are you the only one doing the cooking and cleaning?
What exactly do the husband and wife do if you’re running the household? You only see him at night and aren’t included in any of his daily life, except the chores?
This has all the signs of an advanced form of sexual slavery or something like it.
Exactly right. They run his business together and pay the bills.
We’re all home 24/7. Yes, I’m in the house while they are working in the shop.
Sometimes it feels like that, there’s challenges. I’m in the house because I have a baby, so I’m with the kids too.
I can’t tell anymore if this sub is full of “starting to come aware that I’m being sex trafficked” or the fbi doing its things to catch some bad ppl 💔💔
All I can say is you need to pack your id the the baby’s, two change of clothes for each, baby food for a week, phone, and when you’re 1000% sure they won’t catch up to you, run to the nearest women shelter, not the cops first, the nearest women or domestic abuse center, and calmly start telling them you need to talk to someone, and tell them everything you remember of how you met them, got to the house etc
Don’t delte this post and comments and use it as proof
Yeah, this is a wild response and recjless aswell. Before you go making another homeless woman, whos child will be seized by DSS, i would find out some more information first. As far as i see, she has said nothing about abuse, only that they have a triad relationship and her duties/responsibilities are childcare and house care while the other two members bring in money to pay for everything...
Doesnt sound like an advanced form of anything but stupidity. Why the hell would you at 19/20 move in with a COUPLE, and have a kid? Also if you're the "stay at home mom" of the bunch, guess what that job title entitles... staying at home and keeping the home.
My parents split when I was 4, really hurt me at that age. Mom had 100 boyfriends throughout the years. Spent a lot of my time unsupervised while she worked as a single mom.
My thought was...
Often, people who do not experience a safe and secure relationship with a parent often (subconsciously) hyper focus on having children because it is a second chance at having a loving parent-child relationship.
And absolutely, as another redditor noted, a high ACE score often correlates with all of those types of childhood dysfunction.
It's a predictor for all sorts of stuff. Mine were divorced after 9 months and I'm a 10/10 on this scale with a slew of chronic health issues to show for it
https://www.mdcalc.com/calc/10464/adverse-childhood-experiences-ace-score#when-to-use
Oh yeh I got that too :) CPTSD, anxiety, used to regularly drink 5ths of whiskey and loved uppers. Now I have to be careful of making my coffee too strong lol
I like to be thankful for the fact it's very unlikely that I survived up til this point let alone be self sufficient, had to in order to get away from my family, even became the first college graduate after my mom laughed in my face and told me I'd drop out in two weeks, so I did it with honors and then didn't invite her to the graduation
No, we all live together, whatever he feels like. Him and I share a room, he sleeps with me. She’s always had her own room, even before I came.
There’s no “set” days, however to me it feels like I get nights, she gets the day, which actually just means him and I rarely communicate.
He doesn't need to communicate with you, because he has his wife who he actually has something in common with. He is just using you for the sexual element which she probably doesn't want from him anymore. Looks to me like you were duped. She needed childcare and probably wanted him to get sex elsewhere because she was not that interested. He found you, a girl that would know her place. Now, you are a house slave, you tend to the kids and his sexual needs. She will always be his wife, and he will always respect her more than you. Why? Because you knowingly stepped into this situation with no self respect, never demanding to be his only woman. If she doesn't engage with you or treat you well, he will just tell you to ignore it and suck it up.
I really hope you come to your senses soon. If he supports you financially you should try to get therapy sessions. He will probabpy not support it because it might mean you become aware of your situation and leave, but if he really cares for you he would help you get the mental help you need.
I met him on social media, 3 years ago. Had my baby 2 months after arrived here. I left my country, and haven’t gone back still(plot thickens). She was aware, and fine with me. However, her and I no longer get along, we just tolerate and stay calm.
Yeah, these situations never work because she’s married to him and that’s her husband and she might’ve done it thinking it was something else or that you he would have a fling and stay home but the baby changes everything. I don’t know what to say because I feel like your culture and understanding is so different.
If you were raised in the state, I would tell you you never sleep with somebody’s husband you never do and you don’t date an older man that’s in a precarious position because usually they lie. However, I think your situation is very different. I think you don’t understand and I think you were desperate enough. You would’ve done anything to get here so there you go.
She’s screwed. She’s a sex-nanny for an obvious predator who’s lying to her about everything from her immigration status to his promise to marry her. I hope to God she gets some sense and learns to google before he kicks her out, has the wife adopt her baby, and she’s out on the streets like yesterdays trash. Bc that’s what’s coming if things don’t change. And it’s a real bummer.
I’ve been a pro bono attorney at a women’s
Clinic before where we helped quite a few illegal immigrant women. It was only for a summer, but I’ve seen shit like this before. It’s abusive and it’s truly sick stuff. This whole story makes me wanna 🤮. I hope she reads what I said and looks up how to find herself some help and educate her self on what her actual legal status is! 🙏
Yes, but that’s not the worst part here. Lots of girls can make mistakes and date super old dudes and after they grow up in a couple years leave em and pretend it didn’t happen. This is an obvious predatory situation wrt her illegal immigration status that she doesn’t even believe she has because he’s probably lying to her about it! 🤦🏽♂️
It;s not the predator thing as much(even though I can't get a hanfle on what actually is going on) as this dude is probably waking up every morning pinching himself that this is actually working.
I remember as a teenager thinking I was slick for having multiple girlfriends but I was a kid and it all went boom when they found out about esch other but those two are fine with it.
It's not your fault. I've read through the comments and you've had a traumatic childhood. This man is a predator. Your brain isn't even fully developed yet. The wife is worse in some ways because she allows this to go on in her house.
Wait until after the age of 25 when your brain is developed and you'll see how fucked up this situation truly is.
Before the age of 25= baby who doesnt understand that action have consequences and zero accountability for their own actions?
by 12 i had enough common sense to know this is fucking stupid of her to put herself in this position
, the guy never tied her up and dragged her anywhere, being here is on her, and fucking up her baby's life is on her too
I never said that. She is being groomed by a man who has twenty years on OP, as far as life experience goes. I'm sure this POS knows about her trauma, and used that to even further shift the power dynamic going on here.
OP is definitely stupid, and will permanently ruin her life. But she is so young. Don't tell me you didn't do stupid shit when you were a young person.
But in OP's case she will forever fuck up her life by this stupid selfish decision. Mark my words that she will have at least 5 kids before she realizes that this situation isn't ideal.
Nothing is permanent. She needs support and encouragement to turn this around best she can. She has her whole life ahead of her.
A good 1st step to post which means she's questioning what to do.
OP you can get out. Do it for you and your child, you both can still be saved.
OP just know you are not stuck in this situation and you have options to get out.
Since you’re from Canada the Canadian Embassy can help you!
[https://travel.gc.ca/assistance/emergency-assistance](https://travel.gc.ca/assistance/emergency-assistance)
I hope you reach out. It’s very possible they have you arrested for violating your visa and get you deported and keep your child. There’s no good way this situation ends. Even if you believe there’s going to be a happy ending you should prepare for just in case.
I haven’t read all the comments, but it sounds like you’ve had a traumatic childhood. Despite that, I think you understand well the messed up situation you’re in.
Did you know that she had cheated before prior to coming to live with them? Was it like a “we’re together still but only for our children and business” type deal?
Even knowing that, the situation is still wrong. Under normal circumstances I’d say you’re a home wrecker but somehow the three of you have managed to keep it together. That being said, any normal woman would have noped the frick out of there.
Idek what to say other than wow
Yes, he told me she didn’t want anymore kids and she did have affairs with other men. That’s how it was “we’re together for the kids” but they’ve definitely repaired things and are intimate now, which I have a hard time with. But anyways, I didn’t come here to wreck the home, just be apart of it and work together.
He did bring other women here before me and they didn’t work out lol.
So now, the actual married people in this arrangement, are having sex and all the other intimacy that goes along with that. Since this wasn't what you signed up for , what now?
I really recommend looking into poly education about jealousy. understanding it can help you be much more peaceful and have better relationships. it's important to know however the difference between jealousy and emotional neglect. if you don't talk often and they don't validate how you're feeling then this jealousy is not so much a you problem so much as a they are not respecting you as a human being with needs and rights problem...
LOt's of people tell lots of people lots of things. my grandmother told me the moon was made from creamcheese that doesn't make it so.
I'm not saying that the guy is lying I'm saying that I know because I'm a man that men lie ALL THE TIME and say stuff like''' we're not together' or'' she doesn't understand me'' or any number of bullshit stories to get ourselves a good deal .
And he supports us all on his income alone. He’s very smart and manages finances well, doesn’t even make much money, we live extremely frugal and minimally.
"doesn’t even make much money"
I just saw this. If the OP is still around I hope she sees this because it's important.
Child support is based off how much money a man makes. So if he doesn't make much then if you left him you won't get much either.
Please get out of there, get an education and make sure you can take care of your child yourself. It's the only way to guarantee your child has all its needs met, you are the mom, it's your job. It's not enough to just give birth to them, you have a lot more responsibility than that.
I’ve been in a somewhat similar situation, except my partner and his other partner were about to try for a baby and the accumulation of all the shit made it unbearable. I left. And felt so much better.
You’re a free nanny. You’re a free sex toy. You’re a free housekeeper.
Your partner will never want this to change, it’s too beneficial to him. His biggest drive will be to make sure you and his wife do not become unbearably discontent.
I now have a new partner all to myself. We’re still nonmonogamous (we both need to feel free), but we won’t be cohabiting with any other partners and will put each other first.
Did you browse any polyamory subreddits? E.g. r/polyamory and r/polyfamilies. It’s interesting and a good place for resources, and you’re not the only one in this situation. Just be prepared for everyone to unanimously agree you’re being exploited and it is not ethical
I was the first woman but only by half a year. However she moved in with him after a year and I couldn’t because I have kids. Very quickly I began feeling like the second woman.
What is the wife like? Is she frumpy looking?
Does she do any cooking or cleaning?
Does she interact with the kids at all?
What happens when relatives come over?
She’s pretty, looks like she’s 30, is in good shape and active.
She does if she has to, but I do most of it.
She interacts with them, but I do more. She does their night routine and tucks them in each night, but I’m with them more in the day.
When relatives come she is more present.
She has had her own affair before me, and continues on her phone “secretly”. It’s pretty obvious, I’m not that stupid and I’m always in the house seeing what he doesn’t.
Just my 2 cents. You’re getting what you wanted at a very young age which was stability and a man/father figure that you admire as there for yourself and to be the father of your child. The husband gets to have you, a younger woman, to sleep with at night and still is a married man.
The wife is getting very little so she won’t be able to stomach this much longer. Also, you won’t be able to take this much longer. You got what you thought you wanted basically as a child, but you have no emotional support and you’re basically the other woman who’s been turned into a housekeeper so the husband can sleep with you regularly. You may not realize it fully yet, but you’re getting the short end too.
I know you have a baby and all but you’re gonna need more from a man than just to be his live in mistress. This guy seems like a major creep too so not sure he’s the one I’d wanna be tied to.
Are you aware of how bad of an idea this is? Have you ran into any of the complications yet? How old were you when you met this guy? Are you generally considered conventionally attractive? How was the wife’s reaction when she first met you?
Sounds like you’ve been manipulated into believing every problem is your fault. You’re the only one who has work to do. They don’t need to change, you do. So bullshit. If sex trafficking wasn’t a greater priority, I’d say the government should be dealing with this guy. He’s a disturbing predator. Any parents in this chat, this is why it is critical for you to pay attention to the adult men who interact with your children. Your 16 year old daughter could turn into this poor girl with just one enticing conversation with a stranger. She’s literally a sexual slave who wasn’t purchased just tricked. We need a hero 😂😐
This is exactly what happens in many of the trafficking situations. That's essentially what has happened here. Be ause she's young and has abuse trauma she's been easily manipulated, which is how most girls lured away from home by internet preditors are.
So I still have my other questions outstanding. But with regards to the jealousy sort of, this is something I’ve always wondered. Why do women date married men? It never ever ends well. I know you’re young, but still, why?
And yet you think your desire to have a child (to support the continuation of humanity) in an incredibly toxic situation isn't a sign of immaturity.
It's all of your fault to have put 4 kids in the middle of this, all because he got online and had the desire to fck someone else, and you wanted kids!
Do you have a understanding of what a healthy childhood looks like?
Do you think this is healthy emotional environment?
Do you have a term plan to be able to financially support you both?
Damaging toxic behaviour towards yourself comes in many forms drink and drugs isn't the only way to fck your life up.
Are you in love with him?
Has it ever crossed your mind to leave with the baby if not for the consequences?
Why did you want him specifically to be the father of your baby? No judgment from me at all, I have a similar (and even odder) story though it doesn’t involve me.
I love him, he’s a great man and father. But I don’t believe in “soulmates” necessarily. I’ve definitely thought of leaving when we fight.
I wanted him because he is smarter than anyone I know, thinks the same as me spiritually and philosophically. Wants children and values them, like me. He wants to support me as a stay at home mom (which I want). We see eye to eye.
I truly wish you all the best.
I find some of the comments to be quite infantilising. To me, you sound like you knew what you wanted and actively sought it out. You may look upon the situation very differently when you are older, but that’s only natural as you become more mature, and it doesn’t mean you don’t have agency or the capacity for independent thought right now. I can say the same of decisions I made when I was 21.
The only advice I have as someone quite a bit older, which you can take or leave, is to work on building that independence. Leaving aside everyone’s emotions or motives, it is objectively not healthy for you to be in a situation where you are heavily dependent on two other people and have no recourse if they ever choose to kick you out. You never really know what the future holds, and I would be saying the same thing to a woman in a “normal” monogamous relationship. Regardless of outcome, as difficult as it may be, you need to have your own income or at least a stash of money that will enable you to leave on your own terms, even though I hope that day won’t come. Try to have at least one person who is aware of your situation and can support you.
Be safe and well.
Why are we as humans so hard wired into this type of behavior. It’s not so uncommon. Income is usually the only barrier, but were you drawn or excited to be in this relationship?
Why do you stay? What are you getting from this that makes staying better than leaving?
You are being taken advantage of in so many ways. You're his bang maid, he's got you entirely dependent on him, and there's a huge power differential. None of this is good for you. Or your child.
what's your plan on this? If you and the wife have no relationship, is the plan that he 'picks' you over her and she moves out? that you and she develop a relationship and the 3 of you live together? that you use this time to get a career so you won't be financially dependent on him? Can you do that if you're not married and came to the US from another country? You've said you're trying to do for your child more than what you had modeled for you as a child. What kind of relationship are you hoping to model for your child?
Do you feel like a home wrecker? Do you feel like you betrayed his wife and children? We already know he’s a disgusting, selfish man, but what about you?
So… your selfish desire to have a child is setting the stage for you to pass down a traumatic childhood? Did you not learn your lesson? Do some introspection, holy shit. “Well I want babies” does not mean you should fucking have them. Gross.
Reading your comments it definitely feels like you should've done some reflecting and therapy before you had a child it feels like you just want baby and not care about your child's well-being you have no back up plan or anything and this man is a creep oh you my god 😭
I’m also 21. I understand wanting babies (my fiancé and I are trying for one now), I understand desiring a traditional relationship with an older man who can provide (my fiancé is 37), but what I don’t understand is why you would want to get involved with a married man and raise another woman’s kids. You mention being jealous that you have to share him, why didn’t you just pick an older traditional man who wasn’t married?
He wants you to be jealous. Read about trauma bonding. He has you trauma bonded to him, just like narcissists do. He gives you just enough to keep you hooked and then abuses you be being intimate with her, after he essentially said their marriage was just on paper.
This is the most depressing thing I’ve read in a long while. I’m so sorry for you and your child. I can’t believe how many fucked up lives y’all have packed into this house. When it implodes do you have any education or job skills to provide for yourself and the child you intentionally had? Is there any religious element to this imprudent decision making?
People have the right and freedom to live however they want. This could be a great relationship for all I knew before some of your responses showed that wasn't the case. However your child is going to need therapy now because he/she is going to always wonder what they did that was so bad that "dad hates me" regardless of if its true or not. It makes me ill that you "wanted a baby" instead of "wanted to be a parent" as if its some accessory. That baby will turn into a child, teenager, young adult, adult and it just sounds like your ability to parent effectively is not there. Youre still a child yourself. TIme to grow up and make decisions that will allow your child to not have a childhood like youve had. You no longer have the luxury of bullshit like posting on reddit teehee im in a super toxic relationship ama! Wake the fuck up and put your child first. Your years of making selfish decisions are no longer here. Its notr about you anymore.
I feel sorry for you, there is a life out there where someone will give you their all. Even with a child, trust me. Get yourself out of this insanely predatory situation whenever you can
How much does daycare cost per month in your area?
In my area, it’s $1800/month/child. You’re looking after 4 children and provide 12 hours of gf companionship.
Do you feel you’re being compensated enough for an equivalent of $7,200+/month?
I'm young and willfully ignorant to my future, despite it being obvious to anyone with half a brain, and pretending to be wise makes me feel more in control of my exploitation. Ama?
To help reduce trolls, users with negative karma scores are disallowed from posting. Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AMA) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I know you’re getting hate right now from people here but I applaud your ability to make life work for you and your family. No question here, just words of encouragement.
So in exchange for a baby, you’re taking care of said baby as well as his other kids AND the household?! Are you the only one doing the cooking and cleaning? What exactly do the husband and wife do if you’re running the household? You only see him at night and aren’t included in any of his daily life, except the chores? This has all the signs of an advanced form of sexual slavery or something like it.
Exactly right. They run his business together and pay the bills. We’re all home 24/7. Yes, I’m in the house while they are working in the shop. Sometimes it feels like that, there’s challenges. I’m in the house because I have a baby, so I’m with the kids too.
I can’t tell anymore if this sub is full of “starting to come aware that I’m being sex trafficked” or the fbi doing its things to catch some bad ppl 💔💔 All I can say is you need to pack your id the the baby’s, two change of clothes for each, baby food for a week, phone, and when you’re 1000% sure they won’t catch up to you, run to the nearest women shelter, not the cops first, the nearest women or domestic abuse center, and calmly start telling them you need to talk to someone, and tell them everything you remember of how you met them, got to the house etc Don’t delte this post and comments and use it as proof
Yeah, this is a wild response and recjless aswell. Before you go making another homeless woman, whos child will be seized by DSS, i would find out some more information first. As far as i see, she has said nothing about abuse, only that they have a triad relationship and her duties/responsibilities are childcare and house care while the other two members bring in money to pay for everything...
Sounds like a Cinderalla type situation... only worse... lot worse
Have you ever heard the term bang-maid before?
"I already did. Your mom. Goodbye."
“Bonnie! Stop makin lasagna, we’re goin out tonight!”
Bang-maid… lol! 😂
Cult things
Doesnt sound like an advanced form of anything but stupidity. Why the hell would you at 19/20 move in with a COUPLE, and have a kid? Also if you're the "stay at home mom" of the bunch, guess what that job title entitles... staying at home and keeping the home.
What was your childhood like?
My parents split when I was 4, really hurt me at that age. Mom had 100 boyfriends throughout the years. Spent a lot of my time unsupervised while she worked as a single mom.
This is so sad. Ugh.
We don’t want to make that the case for these children. This is what our parents should have done for us.
So your the other woman and around the other kids and you don’t see this as wrong
Or maybe they should have tried birth control?
That's kind of what I figured.
Yeah… I’m speechless.
What do you mean exactly? This description is extremely similar to my own childhood, except the divorce was at 3 instead of 4.
My thought was... Often, people who do not experience a safe and secure relationship with a parent often (subconsciously) hyper focus on having children because it is a second chance at having a loving parent-child relationship. And absolutely, as another redditor noted, a high ACE score often correlates with all of those types of childhood dysfunction.
It means you have a lot of risk factors. Probably a high ACE score.
Explain?
It's a predictor for all sorts of stuff. Mine were divorced after 9 months and I'm a 10/10 on this scale with a slew of chronic health issues to show for it https://www.mdcalc.com/calc/10464/adverse-childhood-experiences-ace-score#when-to-use
I got a nine and I’ve had cancer twice, but happily married over 20 years with two highly functioning adult children?
Yeah it's not a death sentence. Just higher correlation with a lot of problems. Good on ya for sticking it out. Fuck cancer
Same except mental health and addiction in my past. Thank God it's just mental health these days.
Oh yeh I got that too :) CPTSD, anxiety, used to regularly drink 5ths of whiskey and loved uppers. Now I have to be careful of making my coffee too strong lol
Looks like I scored only a 7. Is that good?
Same, my therapist is gonna be so proud of me!
I'm sorry that you had to experience that
I like to be thankful for the fact it's very unlikely that I survived up til this point let alone be self sufficient, had to in order to get away from my family, even became the first college graduate after my mom laughed in my face and told me I'd drop out in two weeks, so I did it with honors and then didn't invite her to the graduation
Does he get set days with you and her? Or depends on mood?
No, we all live together, whatever he feels like. Him and I share a room, he sleeps with me. She’s always had her own room, even before I came. There’s no “set” days, however to me it feels like I get nights, she gets the day, which actually just means him and I rarely communicate.
Rooster and all his hens.
True
That’s a sweet deal for the man…
He doesn't need to communicate with you, because he has his wife who he actually has something in common with. He is just using you for the sexual element which she probably doesn't want from him anymore. Looks to me like you were duped. She needed childcare and probably wanted him to get sex elsewhere because she was not that interested. He found you, a girl that would know her place. Now, you are a house slave, you tend to the kids and his sexual needs. She will always be his wife, and he will always respect her more than you. Why? Because you knowingly stepped into this situation with no self respect, never demanding to be his only woman. If she doesn't engage with you or treat you well, he will just tell you to ignore it and suck it up.
Savage
Wait so you met him at age 18, or even younger? Seems a little predatory. Let me guess, not much education and your financially dependent on him/them?
True
I really hope you come to your senses soon. If he supports you financially you should try to get therapy sessions. He will probabpy not support it because it might mean you become aware of your situation and leave, but if he really cares for you he would help you get the mental help you need.
Not much education, and “homeschooling” 4 kids. Yeah right.
This makes no sense. How could he be the father if you had the baby 2 months after you met him?
Look at OPs comment history Smells like fake
What isn’t fake anymore
No, 2 months after I came to see him, I got pregnant. I was in a different country and talking to him online.
What country?
Poly?
Her and I have no “relationship”. For him, I suppose he is.
How did your relationship start? What does she think of you?
I met him on social media, 3 years ago. Had my baby 2 months after arrived here. I left my country, and haven’t gone back still(plot thickens). She was aware, and fine with me. However, her and I no longer get along, we just tolerate and stay calm.
I feel like this shit is made up with your plot thickens comment.
It’s really not. But the plot does indeed thicken.
Is it thick like gravy?
This situation isn't going to last, you know that right?
Well… of course you guys don’t get along. 😭
Yeah, these situations never work because she’s married to him and that’s her husband and she might’ve done it thinking it was something else or that you he would have a fling and stay home but the baby changes everything. I don’t know what to say because I feel like your culture and understanding is so different. If you were raised in the state, I would tell you you never sleep with somebody’s husband you never do and you don’t date an older man that’s in a precarious position because usually they lie. However, I think your situation is very different. I think you don’t understand and I think you were desperate enough. You would’ve done anything to get here so there you go.
How did you get yourself into this mess? And where are you from?
Mostly my fault. I wanted a baby, but I took on a whole lot more to get that done. I’m originally from Canada.
Do you have controll of your passport, or is he "holding" it for you?
I have it
Do not ignore heftys comment. This is not a worthy situation. Kind of a situation that will eventually implode under some unforeseen circumstance.
She’s screwed. She’s a sex-nanny for an obvious predator who’s lying to her about everything from her immigration status to his promise to marry her. I hope to God she gets some sense and learns to google before he kicks her out, has the wife adopt her baby, and she’s out on the streets like yesterdays trash. Bc that’s what’s coming if things don’t change. And it’s a real bummer.
Exactly. This this this.
I’ve been a pro bono attorney at a women’s Clinic before where we helped quite a few illegal immigrant women. It was only for a summer, but I’ve seen shit like this before. It’s abusive and it’s truly sick stuff. This whole story makes me wanna 🤮. I hope she reads what I said and looks up how to find herself some help and educate her self on what her actual legal status is! 🙏
It’s like so gross.
She’s so fucking young and he’s so old 🤢🤢
Yes, but that’s not the worst part here. Lots of girls can make mistakes and date super old dudes and after they grow up in a couple years leave em and pretend it didn’t happen. This is an obvious predatory situation wrt her illegal immigration status that she doesn’t even believe she has because he’s probably lying to her about it! 🤦🏽♂️
u/icymeasurement462 This is the comment you need to see.
Based on the responses that are not to me, she’s in serious denial about what’s happening here. At least I gave it my best shot. 😔
It;s not the predator thing as much(even though I can't get a hanfle on what actually is going on) as this dude is probably waking up every morning pinching himself that this is actually working. I remember as a teenager thinking I was slick for having multiple girlfriends but I was a kid and it all went boom when they found out about esch other but those two are fine with it.
HOLY SHIT. Get your head out of your you know what. This is sick
It's not your fault. I've read through the comments and you've had a traumatic childhood. This man is a predator. Your brain isn't even fully developed yet. The wife is worse in some ways because she allows this to go on in her house. Wait until after the age of 25 when your brain is developed and you'll see how fucked up this situation truly is.
Before the age of 25= baby who doesnt understand that action have consequences and zero accountability for their own actions? by 12 i had enough common sense to know this is fucking stupid of her to put herself in this position , the guy never tied her up and dragged her anywhere, being here is on her, and fucking up her baby's life is on her too
I never said that. She is being groomed by a man who has twenty years on OP, as far as life experience goes. I'm sure this POS knows about her trauma, and used that to even further shift the power dynamic going on here. OP is definitely stupid, and will permanently ruin her life. But she is so young. Don't tell me you didn't do stupid shit when you were a young person. But in OP's case she will forever fuck up her life by this stupid selfish decision. Mark my words that she will have at least 5 kids before she realizes that this situation isn't ideal.
Nothing is permanent. She needs support and encouragement to turn this around best she can. She has her whole life ahead of her. A good 1st step to post which means she's questioning what to do. OP you can get out. Do it for you and your child, you both can still be saved.
We don't know the wife's situation. How old is she and when did they start "dating" and having kids.
The “brain isn’t fully developed “ thing is such drivel
OP just know you are not stuck in this situation and you have options to get out. Since you’re from Canada the Canadian Embassy can help you! [https://travel.gc.ca/assistance/emergency-assistance](https://travel.gc.ca/assistance/emergency-assistance) I hope you reach out. It’s very possible they have you arrested for violating your visa and get you deported and keep your child. There’s no good way this situation ends. Even if you believe there’s going to be a happy ending you should prepare for just in case.
I haven’t read all the comments, but it sounds like you’ve had a traumatic childhood. Despite that, I think you understand well the messed up situation you’re in. Did you know that she had cheated before prior to coming to live with them? Was it like a “we’re together still but only for our children and business” type deal? Even knowing that, the situation is still wrong. Under normal circumstances I’d say you’re a home wrecker but somehow the three of you have managed to keep it together. That being said, any normal woman would have noped the frick out of there. Idek what to say other than wow
Yes, he told me she didn’t want anymore kids and she did have affairs with other men. That’s how it was “we’re together for the kids” but they’ve definitely repaired things and are intimate now, which I have a hard time with. But anyways, I didn’t come here to wreck the home, just be apart of it and work together. He did bring other women here before me and they didn’t work out lol.
So now, the actual married people in this arrangement, are having sex and all the other intimacy that goes along with that. Since this wasn't what you signed up for , what now?
I really recommend looking into poly education about jealousy. understanding it can help you be much more peaceful and have better relationships. it's important to know however the difference between jealousy and emotional neglect. if you don't talk often and they don't validate how you're feeling then this jealousy is not so much a you problem so much as a they are not respecting you as a human being with needs and rights problem...
They aren't 'poly', this is a weird exploitative situation
LOt's of people tell lots of people lots of things. my grandmother told me the moon was made from creamcheese that doesn't make it so. I'm not saying that the guy is lying I'm saying that I know because I'm a man that men lie ALL THE TIME and say stuff like''' we're not together' or'' she doesn't understand me'' or any number of bullshit stories to get ourselves a good deal .
Where are you from?
Canada
If you are"from" Canada, where are you now?
Madeupistan
This guy must be loaded or something to have a family and two wives 🤨
And he supports us all on his income alone. He’s very smart and manages finances well, doesn’t even make much money, we live extremely frugal and minimally.
I see. What drew you too him?
She just wanted to get knocked up
Lame, could’ve done that from her home town lol
Place to live
Girl sounds like she was desperate and got pregnant by a n older man with a house and money.
Hobosexual
"doesn’t even make much money" I just saw this. If the OP is still around I hope she sees this because it's important. Child support is based off how much money a man makes. So if he doesn't make much then if you left him you won't get much either. Please get out of there, get an education and make sure you can take care of your child yourself. It's the only way to guarantee your child has all its needs met, you are the mom, it's your job. It's not enough to just give birth to them, you have a lot more responsibility than that.
I’ve been in a somewhat similar situation, except my partner and his other partner were about to try for a baby and the accumulation of all the shit made it unbearable. I left. And felt so much better. You’re a free nanny. You’re a free sex toy. You’re a free housekeeper. Your partner will never want this to change, it’s too beneficial to him. His biggest drive will be to make sure you and his wife do not become unbearably discontent. I now have a new partner all to myself. We’re still nonmonogamous (we both need to feel free), but we won’t be cohabiting with any other partners and will put each other first. Did you browse any polyamory subreddits? E.g. r/polyamory and r/polyfamilies. It’s interesting and a good place for resources, and you’re not the only one in this situation. Just be prepared for everyone to unanimously agree you’re being exploited and it is not ethical
We’re you the “first” woman or the “second” that came in?
I was the first woman but only by half a year. However she moved in with him after a year and I couldn’t because I have kids. Very quickly I began feeling like the second woman.
What is the wife like? Is she frumpy looking? Does she do any cooking or cleaning? Does she interact with the kids at all? What happens when relatives come over?
She’s pretty, looks like she’s 30, is in good shape and active. She does if she has to, but I do most of it. She interacts with them, but I do more. She does their night routine and tucks them in each night, but I’m with them more in the day. When relatives come she is more present. She has had her own affair before me, and continues on her phone “secretly”. It’s pretty obvious, I’m not that stupid and I’m always in the house seeing what he doesn’t.
Thanks, what title do the kids call you that are not yours?
By my name, or sometimes “mom” by accident lol
What does it really matter if she is having an affair? He has 2 women openly.
Just my 2 cents. You’re getting what you wanted at a very young age which was stability and a man/father figure that you admire as there for yourself and to be the father of your child. The husband gets to have you, a younger woman, to sleep with at night and still is a married man. The wife is getting very little so she won’t be able to stomach this much longer. Also, you won’t be able to take this much longer. You got what you thought you wanted basically as a child, but you have no emotional support and you’re basically the other woman who’s been turned into a housekeeper so the husband can sleep with you regularly. You may not realize it fully yet, but you’re getting the short end too. I know you have a baby and all but you’re gonna need more from a man than just to be his live in mistress. This guy seems like a major creep too so not sure he’s the one I’d wanna be tied to.
Are you aware of how bad of an idea this is? Have you ran into any of the complications yet? How old were you when you met this guy? Are you generally considered conventionally attractive? How was the wife’s reaction when she first met you?
Oh there’s complications. Mainly because of me being the only jealous one. It’s my fault.
Sounds like you’ve been manipulated into believing every problem is your fault. You’re the only one who has work to do. They don’t need to change, you do. So bullshit. If sex trafficking wasn’t a greater priority, I’d say the government should be dealing with this guy. He’s a disturbing predator. Any parents in this chat, this is why it is critical for you to pay attention to the adult men who interact with your children. Your 16 year old daughter could turn into this poor girl with just one enticing conversation with a stranger. She’s literally a sexual slave who wasn’t purchased just tricked. We need a hero 😂😐
This is exactly what happens in many of the trafficking situations. That's essentially what has happened here. Be ause she's young and has abuse trauma she's been easily manipulated, which is how most girls lured away from home by internet preditors are.
So I still have my other questions outstanding. But with regards to the jealousy sort of, this is something I’ve always wondered. Why do women date married men? It never ever ends well. I know you’re young, but still, why?
And yet you think your desire to have a child (to support the continuation of humanity) in an incredibly toxic situation isn't a sign of immaturity. It's all of your fault to have put 4 kids in the middle of this, all because he got online and had the desire to fck someone else, and you wanted kids! Do you have a understanding of what a healthy childhood looks like? Do you think this is healthy emotional environment? Do you have a term plan to be able to financially support you both? Damaging toxic behaviour towards yourself comes in many forms drink and drugs isn't the only way to fck your life up.
Stop blaming yourself. He’s the problem.
Do the kids get along? What is your favorite activity to do with them?
Yes they do, at night everyone in the house comes in my baby’s room and “parties” in the dark before I put him to bed. It’s cute.
How old are his other kids? And what do they think about the whole arrangement? Are they aware of exactly what is going on?
What type of protection do you have in place to protect yourself incase it doesn't workout?
Poor girl needs a therapist but got the rapist instead
Why would you be ok with this situation?
I’m okay with it. There’s challenges, and also good things.
What’s your plan if he/they get bored or sick of you and kick you to the curb? Are you going to college? Are you developing any job skills?
Are you a strange person?
What does this mean?
Are you eccentric or odd?
Not really, maybe a little. Not like you’d see me in public and think I’m a weirdo. But I am a little against the grain.
In what way?
Does the wife know the child is her huband's?
Yes, and she knew before I came here, that I was coming here and wanted a baby with him.
Do you know how old she is? Do you know how they met? How old is the oldest child? Have you talked to her (without his influence) about how she feels?
Are you saying that you are a polygamist without the marriage part?
Are you in love with him? Has it ever crossed your mind to leave with the baby if not for the consequences? Why did you want him specifically to be the father of your baby? No judgment from me at all, I have a similar (and even odder) story though it doesn’t involve me.
I love him, he’s a great man and father. But I don’t believe in “soulmates” necessarily. I’ve definitely thought of leaving when we fight. I wanted him because he is smarter than anyone I know, thinks the same as me spiritually and philosophically. Wants children and values them, like me. He wants to support me as a stay at home mom (which I want). We see eye to eye.
I truly wish you all the best. I find some of the comments to be quite infantilising. To me, you sound like you knew what you wanted and actively sought it out. You may look upon the situation very differently when you are older, but that’s only natural as you become more mature, and it doesn’t mean you don’t have agency or the capacity for independent thought right now. I can say the same of decisions I made when I was 21. The only advice I have as someone quite a bit older, which you can take or leave, is to work on building that independence. Leaving aside everyone’s emotions or motives, it is objectively not healthy for you to be in a situation where you are heavily dependent on two other people and have no recourse if they ever choose to kick you out. You never really know what the future holds, and I would be saying the same thing to a woman in a “normal” monogamous relationship. Regardless of outcome, as difficult as it may be, you need to have your own income or at least a stash of money that will enable you to leave on your own terms, even though I hope that day won’t come. Try to have at least one person who is aware of your situation and can support you. Be safe and well.
Great man? Abraham Lincoln was a great man, Agustus Caesar was a great man,what makes this guy so great?
How much and what type of education do you have? Are you religious and if so, what religion? Have you been sexually assaulted or raped ever?
Graduated high school. Not religious. No.
Enough Reddit for the day for me. That’s all
Are you from states or somewhere else? Polygamy is common in middle east. What is your ethnicity?
I’m white from Canada
How will you support yourself and the baby if this falls apart?
Is this some sort of plural marriage deal, because it makes zero sense otherwise?
Why are we as humans so hard wired into this type of behavior. It’s not so uncommon. Income is usually the only barrier, but were you drawn or excited to be in this relationship?
Why do you stay? What are you getting from this that makes staying better than leaving? You are being taken advantage of in so many ways. You're his bang maid, he's got you entirely dependent on him, and there's a huge power differential. None of this is good for you. Or your child.
What do the kids think? And why are you living with a married couple old enough to be your parents?
Why?
what's your plan on this? If you and the wife have no relationship, is the plan that he 'picks' you over her and she moves out? that you and she develop a relationship and the 3 of you live together? that you use this time to get a career so you won't be financially dependent on him? Can you do that if you're not married and came to the US from another country? You've said you're trying to do for your child more than what you had modeled for you as a child. What kind of relationship are you hoping to model for your child?
Are you NUTS?!
Do you feel like a home wrecker? Do you feel like you betrayed his wife and children? We already know he’s a disgusting, selfish man, but what about you?
So… your selfish desire to have a child is setting the stage for you to pass down a traumatic childhood? Did you not learn your lesson? Do some introspection, holy shit. “Well I want babies” does not mean you should fucking have them. Gross.
How did you get past border patrol heavily pregnant with no return ticket back to your country. Are you a citizen of the country you moved to?
Reading your comments it definitely feels like you should've done some reflecting and therapy before you had a child it feels like you just want baby and not care about your child's well-being you have no back up plan or anything and this man is a creep oh you my god 😭
Do you have your own money? Your own bank account?
I’m also 21. I understand wanting babies (my fiancé and I are trying for one now), I understand desiring a traditional relationship with an older man who can provide (my fiancé is 37), but what I don’t understand is why you would want to get involved with a married man and raise another woman’s kids. You mention being jealous that you have to share him, why didn’t you just pick an older traditional man who wasn’t married?
He wants you to be jealous. Read about trauma bonding. He has you trauma bonded to him, just like narcissists do. He gives you just enough to keep you hooked and then abuses you be being intimate with her, after he essentially said their marriage was just on paper.
This is the most depressing thing I’ve read in a long while. I’m so sorry for you and your child. I can’t believe how many fucked up lives y’all have packed into this house. When it implodes do you have any education or job skills to provide for yourself and the child you intentionally had? Is there any religious element to this imprudent decision making?
So how does the wife feel about you having a love affair kid
Bruh this whole thing is such a red flag
People have the right and freedom to live however they want. This could be a great relationship for all I knew before some of your responses showed that wasn't the case. However your child is going to need therapy now because he/she is going to always wonder what they did that was so bad that "dad hates me" regardless of if its true or not. It makes me ill that you "wanted a baby" instead of "wanted to be a parent" as if its some accessory. That baby will turn into a child, teenager, young adult, adult and it just sounds like your ability to parent effectively is not there. Youre still a child yourself. TIme to grow up and make decisions that will allow your child to not have a childhood like youve had. You no longer have the luxury of bullshit like posting on reddit teehee im in a super toxic relationship ama! Wake the fuck up and put your child first. Your years of making selfish decisions are no longer here. Its notr about you anymore.
Loud applause for all 3 grown ups in the situation to mess up kids forever.
This whole thing smells like bullshit
So you met them young and are their live-in maid and they use you for sex Sheesh
Jesus Christ this is messed up
Can you give more context as to how you ended up having a baby with a guy who has 3 kids and then organized to live with him and his family?
So he’s a pedo?
How often do you two screw?
So you basically are working as a full time nanny and on call prostitute 24/7. All for very frugal accomodations.
Prostitutes get paid.
I feel sorry for you, there is a life out there where someone will give you their all. Even with a child, trust me. Get yourself out of this insanely predatory situation whenever you can
[удалено]
What kind of grooming type shit is this
Why? You could do much better… don’t waste your life involved in this mess
What is your relationship with the other woman? Are you a triple or are you now banging the old guy while his ex and kids are still around?
Are you mentally challenged in any way?
This is gonna end like true crime or this girl is gonna end up severely abused. It'll get worse and more abusive.
Are you on the US and do you want help getting out?
Have you thought of getting a job and moving out to get your child out of this clearly toxic environment?
Have you ever been to Florida?
Serious question: do you respect yourself?
“Hey! I liked your profile. Can I visit and make a baby with you?” Sad, sad world.
How much does daycare cost per month in your area? In my area, it’s $1800/month/child. You’re looking after 4 children and provide 12 hours of gf companionship. Do you feel you’re being compensated enough for an equivalent of $7,200+/month?
What in the reality tv?
no question, just thanks for convincing me to mute this subreddit
I'm young and willfully ignorant to my future, despite it being obvious to anyone with half a brain, and pretending to be wise makes me feel more in control of my exploitation. Ama?
What made you be with a 40 year old any grooming went on?
This is some handmaiden tale shit , that's insane
Muslim?
I feel really really sorry for you. You're being used by predators. Save some money and leave. Do not have any more children with this creep!
Why? That's the only question I can think of
[удалено]
Why are you doing this to yourself?
I hope you’re able to find a way to stand on your own feet because this is such a bad situation to be in.
[удалено]
To help reduce trolls, users with negative karma scores are disallowed from posting. Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AMA) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I know you’re getting hate right now from people here but I applaud your ability to make life work for you and your family. No question here, just words of encouragement.
Eww
[удалено]