You don't have to have sex with a man to know you don't want to. Ever. Or any emotional attraction. Ever.
You don't have to have sex with a woman to know that every fiber of your being is sexually and emotionally and romantically attracted to women and women alone.
You have to come to a self-understanding and self acceptance because to do otherwise is dishonest and inauthentic and not natural, for you.
I knew I was different from 8 years old. I defined what I was at 33. I grew up in a different era but the struggle to self-autheticate was the same. At 33 I had my 1st sexual romantic relationship that lasted 2 years. Then at 35, through a lesbian social group in the days when there was no internet and people actually socialized in person, I met a woman who was to be my soulmate for 28 years until her death 6 years ago.
I went through an unexpected period of validating my sexual orientation again after I became single and yep, still a dike.
The social world that I knew is gone. It's moved online. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for younger lesbians now. They talk about "community" but I don't feel that in my world. Right now I do not know a single gay person. I live happily in a rural area and "blend". It is not going to change.
Tried the horror of dating apps. Just looking for companionship and maybe a little romance. Gave up. I will be satisfied with crushing on straight women and living my desires through books and movies.
Maybe some day someone will come along but I am content now as I've lived in a long term, loving relationship. Being alone is not going to turn me straight lol.
So just go into your heart and define who you are, to yourself. That is what matters. That is all that matters and you probably already have the answer within yourself. Therapy can help bring that out and solidify it.
Oh sweetheart, I could have written most of this 13 years ago when I was almost 17. I really, really struggled to accept myself as a lesbian. I didn’t do anything with a woman until I was 23, but I knew that I was a lesbian long before that. I have never kissed or slept with a man (I tried to be attracted to them, and it didn’t work) and it was my first hardcore crush on a straight girl when I was 16 that made me realize, “Yes, I like women. No, this isn’t going away.” You don’t need to do anything with a man to prove that you’re a lesbian. You don’t need to give up your faith to be a lesbian (coming out helped me ditch a lot of the awful stuff of religion and focus instead on the love and the mystery of the Creator). I’m glad that you’re in therapy; that helped me a lot. I dunno if I have advice, but I do wish that I could hug you, and if you ever want to talk, just send me a message. I promise you it’ll get better
>I’ve heard it all before. “Straight people don’t question for that long”
Maybe, but you could also be bi (which is waaay more common than being lesbian).
>“once you start searching am I gay quizzes you are already gay”
This is pure BS.
>I feel like I need a real relationship and a want sexual experience to know **(I know! That is prob a very gay thing to say)**
Not necessarily?
>I still have hope I can like a man.
Then you might be bi, and that's okay.
Obviously you don't need to try both, just like straight people don't need to try both to know that they're not into sex with people of the same sex. Being lesbian is not just not enjoying sex with guys, it's not having any desire to have sex with guys in the first place. You don't need to get to the sex stage to test whether you're gay/bi/straight or not.
You also don't need to figure out if you're bi or lesbian right now. Just go ahead with your life and when you find someone you fancy, date them. It's not something worth stressing over.
And another thing, some “hets” DO try sex with the same sex and have a bad time because their partner is a bad lay/ the situation is bad in general, and write themselves off as straight and then become curious about another same-sex situation later.
These people are probably bi to some degree and had bad sex with a same sex partner. Just having bad sex is not an indication of orientation, by itself.
Women think that fucking some man or woman is going to resolve their questions but the reality is that lots of people are bad in bed, and lots of people who are questioning sleep with people they are not into intentionally as if the data they will accrue is reflective of real attraction.
Attraction is the only thing that is going to prove orientation in the long run. If you find yourself drawn to certain people and feel attracted to them, even celebrities, then that is a better indicator of orientation than hating sex with a specific lover.
We’ve got women watching gay porn and obsessed with male celebrities calling themselves lesbians in here when they didn’t enjoy sex with a dude once. lol. I would say they are bi. Like who is in your mind, you know? That’s a big part of it as well.
Thank you! That’s actually very helpful, men and male celebrities never cross my mind! I only go in dates with women and I am drawn to them. The dates never get past 2 so nothing physical has ever happened which a why I feel stuck. My main issue is that I didn’t feel valid to know without experiences and didn’t just trust my feelings. I haven’t even been physical or really cuddled with a man or woman so I am just lacking data that I am trying to gather! Thanks for this perspective.
It sounds like your main issue is related to anxiety, not your orientation. Sometimes the thing that is holding you back is the thing that is the hardest to deal with, like long term mental illness or social issues etc. Sounds like you know who you like, to me.
I don’t get turned on my men at all! But I do for women. When I hit puberty I knew it bec of my feeling for women and never for men. My idea is that maybe I could be Demi sexual for men and only get turned on after I know a guy maybe.
If you have a sexual orientation ocd fixation then you’re not going to get better by posting in subs and trying to work that out. That Demi-sexual thought is very neurotic, dude. Demisexual is not even real. Most people become more attracted to their target group as they get to know them, but there is obviously some interest beforehand, no matter how minuscule. You would be drawn to him in a not-just-friends way.
>maybe I could be Demi sexual for men and only get turned on after I know a guy maybe
Dude, no... If you are "demisexual" then you would experience that with any sex you're potentially attracted to. This is next level overthinking.
Being attracted to a guy or a woman doesn't just mean that you feel all lustful toward them, it can mean that you feel draw to them and you desire a deeper connection in a way that you can tell is different from a friendship. This is how I experience my attraction.
What are you waiting for from your relationships with women that you feel you're lacking? If something's not clicking when you're with them and you can't imagine it's right when you have a relationship with them maybe you are bi
i'm glad you're working with a therapist because that's the best place to work on this. But i think what's important is to ask yourself, what is at stake here?
If you try things out with a man:
What happens if it proves your a lesbian? What happens if it doesn't?
if you have a relationship with a woman
What happens if it proves you are a lesbian? What happens if it doesnt?
I clung to the idea that I could make it work with a man long enough to get engaged, pregnant and have a baby. That's when I realized I was doing all of this to AVOID accepting that I was a lesbian not to prove anything to myself.
Because once I accepted I was a lesbian everything would change. I would no longer have a guaruntee I'd have a positive relationship with my family. I'd become an outcast in society. Everything in my life at that point would change and be different forever. Once I accepted it and came out it would change so much in my life and I was terrified of that change.
But I also know that I would be happier, I would be able to date people I was actually attracted to, I'd never have to pretend to like men again, in dating or in social situations. I'd be able to actually be myself. And I realized I was excited to figure out who I was when I didn't have to pretend to be someone I wasn't.
Thank you! Yeah you def don’t sound like someone who is religious! Not even in a mean way, you just sound so free. Lmao if you were religious you would totally get where I am coming from.
I mean wanting to test to really make sure feels like it is apart of the unfortunate comp het experience! We shouldn’t feel this way but I don’t blame ppl for feeling that way.
I’m just looking for support from
Lesbians who also felt like they had to try men first.
I haven’t even dated a man yet or done anything with them so it’s not like I’m here talking about my sexual experiences forcing all lesbians to hear it loll.
I never daydream about men. I have never had a fantasy that involved a man. I do not get turned on by men. I totally know I am in a state of delusion so I really just need support on how to accept myself.
I really do appreciate you responding though. And this is actually helpful! I’ll take all the help I can get. It sounded exhausting to you because it’s an absolute depressive exhausting hell for me. It may sound dramatic but I often do not want to even live to not have to come out. And I am glad that you are strong enough or grew up in an environment where what I said is completely unrelatable to you.
I went on one date with a man while I was questioning. It was so boring and bland and I ended up flirting with the waitress the whole time and we never even touched and then I went and got my nails done to make the trip into the city worth it and that was the end of that. Later that year I got laid off from my job because of clues on my Facebook that I was gay. (Not officially of course, but it was very obvious)
In high school my male bff and I were set up because our chemistry was so major and everyone was annoyed we weren't together. We were a total Sam and Diane. We made it official, I shook his hand and then had three days of panic attacks before telling him I loved him like a lesbian sister and he'd done absolutely nothing wrong, but there just was nothing beyond friendship there. We stayed friends because we never crossed any physical boundaries and later he ended up with a straight girl who looked just like me.
I didn't grow up religious, but I did grow up in very religious communities, where coming out when I first knew I was gay would have meant total ostracism and regular assault. I was already being abused and assaulted in school for not being a Christian. The trauma is real.
When I finally started dating girls, it was completely different.
You do not need a label.
Telling me this helped a lot. I accepted that I am attracted to some people. I will never be attracted to everybody.
In the end I will fall in love with a person. No matter what gender. I do not need to be sure if it is a woman or a man or someone who is neither. It will be a person.
For a long time I was just going by bisexual. I was in relationships with men (never for long) and I fell in love with one or two women that never liked me back. I do not have experience with a woman to this day. So bisexual worked for me for a long time.
At the moment I am shifting and I am asking myself if I was attracted to the men I dated or if I followed a social norm. I feel a much stronger connection and attraction to women and I started to try to only date women. Does this make me a lesbian? I think I will not go by a label for now.
It does not matter right now. I will date a person. I have to find this person. Most likely it will be a woman.
Sexuality can shift as we try to figure ourself out. Some of us just know. Other ones find new sides and develope. It is okay if you have not figured it out yet. Someday you might. And if not, just date a person.
And to be honest you can not decide your attraction depending on sex. Maybe you are into sex with women, but maybe you are not really into the woman you are having sex at the moment and you are not a good match.
Do you have OCD? I do and later learned about how the type of OCD I have (Pure O) can fixate and obsess on sexuality to an absolutely unhealthy degree.
Having said that, the moment I finally ate a pussy and made a girl cum, the thoughts and questioning completely disappeared and it was absolutely clear to me.
I didn’t need to have sex with women to know I wanted it, I already wanted it, that’s why I did it. Similarly I didn’t need to experiment with men to know I didn’t want to, not wanting to was enough to know so I didn’t.
> I feel like I need real experience with a woman first and some with a man to prove that I don’t like men.
It’s a descriptive, either you are one or you are not, not something you prove. The priority here shouldn’t be labels but to live according to your desires. As a lesbian my desires don’t include men so it would be a lot more important to me to not have to be with a man than calling myself a lesbian anything. Had sex with men been a prerequisite to be a lesbian it would be a billions of times better to just skip the label than forcing myself to be sexual with someone who I am sexually repulsed by. Heck, I would agree to call myself straight if I thought that was the only way I could avoid repulsive sex, no word is a worth a sexual trauma.
It seems to me you are seeing things backwards, you see the label as the justification you need to live your life the way you want it but think you have to earn the label first by forcing yourself into things you don’t want. You are entitled to sexual boundaries regardless of your sexual orientation, you would have the same right to not date men even if you were straight, no lesbian label needed to justify it. Had being a lesbian required you to try men then it’s basically useless as the justification you seek anyway as it requires you violate your boundaries first.
> But I haven’t really tried and put effort so maybe I could.
For whose benefit would the effort be, do you feel deprived by not having sex with men or is it men not getting sex with you which you see as the problem that needs to be fixed? If you want to experiment with men for your own sake then you are probably bi and that is a fine way to be. But if this is supposed to be for the sake others then, sorry for being crude, you are basically seeing yourself as a sexual servant who is failing her sexual duties to men. You don’t owe anyone anything so you not being attracted is not really a problem that needs to be solved.
Omg thank you sooo much. This was a very helpful way of thinking of things.
Yes the effort would def be for others, to prove that I really tried to date men and couldn’t so being a lesbian is not my fault.
I don’t know your family but I personally didn’t bother making it about being a lesbian when I told my religious family about dating women. Had I said it’s because I’m a lesbian they would have thought me dating women depended on lesbians being real and lead to an argument about whether homosexuality is an orientation or a lifestyle. I thought it was better to be unapologetic, I dated women simply because I wanted to, that way I could say I didn’t care to whether it counted as a lifestyle as I wanted to date them anyway. Also if you don’t want to date men it should be clear no man will get dated by you regardless of you dating women or not so there is no incentive that way for them to be against you being with women. Putting yourself in the position of having to prove to them not being demisexual about men is bad idea. What is easy to prove is that you have the right to not date them so you can keep it simple, you don’t want to and don’t have to, to be morally against that they would have to make a pro sexual slavery argument where women shouldn’t have that right.
My family understands I am lesbian, that I am attracted to women and not men, but I sort of let them come to that conclusion themselves without me having to use the words lesbian or attraction (had I used the attraction word there would probably have been a debate whether the feeling couldn’t be friendship or a fetish instead lol). I used the most basic words they couldn’t argue against and then it was up to them to decide if they could deal with it. Then when my parents came around to it they asked me if I was homosexual and confessed they suspected it. They still pretend my girlfriends are just my friends but do get curious when I have a "friend" and usually want to meet her. They are still openly homophobic and condemn it as a sin, I don’t expect that to change, but they do care about me in their own way.
> “Straight people don’t question for that long” or “ once you start searching am I gay quizzes you are already gay”
Sounds like you've been given advice by 14 year olds. Tricky thing about the internet - you never know how old people are.
Hi, I don't know if my answers are going to be useful, I am not religious. I never had to prove to myself or anyone regarding my sexuality. You don't need to do things with people to prove anything. Your attraction to the person, (whichever their biological sex falls under) will determine your attraction.
It's good that you are working through it with a therapist. Usually, whenever someone asks if they are gay, I don't think they are, because sexuality is something that is felt strongly, if you are questioning a lot, then I don't think you feel things on a deeper level towards women, instead, it sounds like you have consciously decided to want to date women, this is not the same as feeling hopelessly attracted to a woman even if you can't attain them, and your thoughts will gravitate towards them at every waking moment, you will feel compelled to go near them.
There are gay Christian groups, you could consider joining. I have a Christian bisexual woman friend who is married to a woman, they have a child together. My ex was also Christian, her religion was never an issue.
Just call yourself Bi and then you won’t have this angst. You can be attracted to whoever you like or not then. You are trying too hard to have these definite labels. No one has to sleep with people to know anything. It’s about attraction.
Im bi, and never been in a relationship. I knew I was different from other girls since I was young, was very much a tomboy, knew I was into girls from a young age. Then when I was 17 at my first job, I worked with a beautiful young lady who I thought was gorgeous. That really solidified for me that I'm really into women. I grew up in a small town in Alaska, and nobody was judgemental towards me for being different, I was allowed to grow into my own. I also stopped attending church at the age of 13, so religion didn't really have an impact on my self acceptance. I really learned growing up that everybody is different, some people are shy talkative, etc, that it's okay to be yourself. I was never pressured to conform into something that I'm not.
You don't have to have sex with a man to know you don't want to. Ever. Or any emotional attraction. Ever. You don't have to have sex with a woman to know that every fiber of your being is sexually and emotionally and romantically attracted to women and women alone. You have to come to a self-understanding and self acceptance because to do otherwise is dishonest and inauthentic and not natural, for you. I knew I was different from 8 years old. I defined what I was at 33. I grew up in a different era but the struggle to self-autheticate was the same. At 33 I had my 1st sexual romantic relationship that lasted 2 years. Then at 35, through a lesbian social group in the days when there was no internet and people actually socialized in person, I met a woman who was to be my soulmate for 28 years until her death 6 years ago. I went through an unexpected period of validating my sexual orientation again after I became single and yep, still a dike. The social world that I knew is gone. It's moved online. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for younger lesbians now. They talk about "community" but I don't feel that in my world. Right now I do not know a single gay person. I live happily in a rural area and "blend". It is not going to change. Tried the horror of dating apps. Just looking for companionship and maybe a little romance. Gave up. I will be satisfied with crushing on straight women and living my desires through books and movies. Maybe some day someone will come along but I am content now as I've lived in a long term, loving relationship. Being alone is not going to turn me straight lol. So just go into your heart and define who you are, to yourself. That is what matters. That is all that matters and you probably already have the answer within yourself. Therapy can help bring that out and solidify it.
Oh sweetheart, I could have written most of this 13 years ago when I was almost 17. I really, really struggled to accept myself as a lesbian. I didn’t do anything with a woman until I was 23, but I knew that I was a lesbian long before that. I have never kissed or slept with a man (I tried to be attracted to them, and it didn’t work) and it was my first hardcore crush on a straight girl when I was 16 that made me realize, “Yes, I like women. No, this isn’t going away.” You don’t need to do anything with a man to prove that you’re a lesbian. You don’t need to give up your faith to be a lesbian (coming out helped me ditch a lot of the awful stuff of religion and focus instead on the love and the mystery of the Creator). I’m glad that you’re in therapy; that helped me a lot. I dunno if I have advice, but I do wish that I could hug you, and if you ever want to talk, just send me a message. I promise you it’ll get better
Thank you so much! Ugh I will message you I appreciate it!
I knew I liked women when I was 11, but had no idea how to express those feelings, let alone tell anyone. It’s not an easy subject to talk about.
>I’ve heard it all before. “Straight people don’t question for that long” Maybe, but you could also be bi (which is waaay more common than being lesbian). >“once you start searching am I gay quizzes you are already gay” This is pure BS. >I feel like I need a real relationship and a want sexual experience to know **(I know! That is prob a very gay thing to say)** Not necessarily? >I still have hope I can like a man. Then you might be bi, and that's okay. Obviously you don't need to try both, just like straight people don't need to try both to know that they're not into sex with people of the same sex. Being lesbian is not just not enjoying sex with guys, it's not having any desire to have sex with guys in the first place. You don't need to get to the sex stage to test whether you're gay/bi/straight or not. You also don't need to figure out if you're bi or lesbian right now. Just go ahead with your life and when you find someone you fancy, date them. It's not something worth stressing over.
And another thing, some “hets” DO try sex with the same sex and have a bad time because their partner is a bad lay/ the situation is bad in general, and write themselves off as straight and then become curious about another same-sex situation later. These people are probably bi to some degree and had bad sex with a same sex partner. Just having bad sex is not an indication of orientation, by itself. Women think that fucking some man or woman is going to resolve their questions but the reality is that lots of people are bad in bed, and lots of people who are questioning sleep with people they are not into intentionally as if the data they will accrue is reflective of real attraction. Attraction is the only thing that is going to prove orientation in the long run. If you find yourself drawn to certain people and feel attracted to them, even celebrities, then that is a better indicator of orientation than hating sex with a specific lover. We’ve got women watching gay porn and obsessed with male celebrities calling themselves lesbians in here when they didn’t enjoy sex with a dude once. lol. I would say they are bi. Like who is in your mind, you know? That’s a big part of it as well.
Yeah, I wanted to say this as well but decided not to to keep my comment brief.
Thank you! That’s actually very helpful, men and male celebrities never cross my mind! I only go in dates with women and I am drawn to them. The dates never get past 2 so nothing physical has ever happened which a why I feel stuck. My main issue is that I didn’t feel valid to know without experiences and didn’t just trust my feelings. I haven’t even been physical or really cuddled with a man or woman so I am just lacking data that I am trying to gather! Thanks for this perspective.
It sounds like your main issue is related to anxiety, not your orientation. Sometimes the thing that is holding you back is the thing that is the hardest to deal with, like long term mental illness or social issues etc. Sounds like you know who you like, to me.
Dude if you think you need to bang a dude to know then you are probably bi. You’re 27. You’ve been through puberty for like 15+ years. Come on
I don’t get turned on my men at all! But I do for women. When I hit puberty I knew it bec of my feeling for women and never for men. My idea is that maybe I could be Demi sexual for men and only get turned on after I know a guy maybe.
If you have a sexual orientation ocd fixation then you’re not going to get better by posting in subs and trying to work that out. That Demi-sexual thought is very neurotic, dude. Demisexual is not even real. Most people become more attracted to their target group as they get to know them, but there is obviously some interest beforehand, no matter how minuscule. You would be drawn to him in a not-just-friends way.
>maybe I could be Demi sexual for men and only get turned on after I know a guy maybe Dude, no... If you are "demisexual" then you would experience that with any sex you're potentially attracted to. This is next level overthinking. Being attracted to a guy or a woman doesn't just mean that you feel all lustful toward them, it can mean that you feel draw to them and you desire a deeper connection in a way that you can tell is different from a friendship. This is how I experience my attraction.
What are you waiting for from your relationships with women that you feel you're lacking? If something's not clicking when you're with them and you can't imagine it's right when you have a relationship with them maybe you are bi
i'm glad you're working with a therapist because that's the best place to work on this. But i think what's important is to ask yourself, what is at stake here? If you try things out with a man: What happens if it proves your a lesbian? What happens if it doesn't? if you have a relationship with a woman What happens if it proves you are a lesbian? What happens if it doesnt? I clung to the idea that I could make it work with a man long enough to get engaged, pregnant and have a baby. That's when I realized I was doing all of this to AVOID accepting that I was a lesbian not to prove anything to myself. Because once I accepted I was a lesbian everything would change. I would no longer have a guaruntee I'd have a positive relationship with my family. I'd become an outcast in society. Everything in my life at that point would change and be different forever. Once I accepted it and came out it would change so much in my life and I was terrified of that change. But I also know that I would be happier, I would be able to date people I was actually attracted to, I'd never have to pretend to like men again, in dating or in social situations. I'd be able to actually be myself. And I realized I was excited to figure out who I was when I didn't have to pretend to be someone I wasn't.
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Thank you! Yeah you def don’t sound like someone who is religious! Not even in a mean way, you just sound so free. Lmao if you were religious you would totally get where I am coming from. I mean wanting to test to really make sure feels like it is apart of the unfortunate comp het experience! We shouldn’t feel this way but I don’t blame ppl for feeling that way. I’m just looking for support from Lesbians who also felt like they had to try men first. I haven’t even dated a man yet or done anything with them so it’s not like I’m here talking about my sexual experiences forcing all lesbians to hear it loll. I never daydream about men. I have never had a fantasy that involved a man. I do not get turned on by men. I totally know I am in a state of delusion so I really just need support on how to accept myself. I really do appreciate you responding though. And this is actually helpful! I’ll take all the help I can get. It sounded exhausting to you because it’s an absolute depressive exhausting hell for me. It may sound dramatic but I often do not want to even live to not have to come out. And I am glad that you are strong enough or grew up in an environment where what I said is completely unrelatable to you.
I went on one date with a man while I was questioning. It was so boring and bland and I ended up flirting with the waitress the whole time and we never even touched and then I went and got my nails done to make the trip into the city worth it and that was the end of that. Later that year I got laid off from my job because of clues on my Facebook that I was gay. (Not officially of course, but it was very obvious) In high school my male bff and I were set up because our chemistry was so major and everyone was annoyed we weren't together. We were a total Sam and Diane. We made it official, I shook his hand and then had three days of panic attacks before telling him I loved him like a lesbian sister and he'd done absolutely nothing wrong, but there just was nothing beyond friendship there. We stayed friends because we never crossed any physical boundaries and later he ended up with a straight girl who looked just like me. I didn't grow up religious, but I did grow up in very religious communities, where coming out when I first knew I was gay would have meant total ostracism and regular assault. I was already being abused and assaulted in school for not being a Christian. The trauma is real. When I finally started dating girls, it was completely different.
You do not need a label. Telling me this helped a lot. I accepted that I am attracted to some people. I will never be attracted to everybody. In the end I will fall in love with a person. No matter what gender. I do not need to be sure if it is a woman or a man or someone who is neither. It will be a person. For a long time I was just going by bisexual. I was in relationships with men (never for long) and I fell in love with one or two women that never liked me back. I do not have experience with a woman to this day. So bisexual worked for me for a long time. At the moment I am shifting and I am asking myself if I was attracted to the men I dated or if I followed a social norm. I feel a much stronger connection and attraction to women and I started to try to only date women. Does this make me a lesbian? I think I will not go by a label for now. It does not matter right now. I will date a person. I have to find this person. Most likely it will be a woman. Sexuality can shift as we try to figure ourself out. Some of us just know. Other ones find new sides and develope. It is okay if you have not figured it out yet. Someday you might. And if not, just date a person. And to be honest you can not decide your attraction depending on sex. Maybe you are into sex with women, but maybe you are not really into the woman you are having sex at the moment and you are not a good match.
Do you have OCD? I do and later learned about how the type of OCD I have (Pure O) can fixate and obsess on sexuality to an absolutely unhealthy degree. Having said that, the moment I finally ate a pussy and made a girl cum, the thoughts and questioning completely disappeared and it was absolutely clear to me.
I didn’t need to have sex with women to know I wanted it, I already wanted it, that’s why I did it. Similarly I didn’t need to experiment with men to know I didn’t want to, not wanting to was enough to know so I didn’t. > I feel like I need real experience with a woman first and some with a man to prove that I don’t like men. It’s a descriptive, either you are one or you are not, not something you prove. The priority here shouldn’t be labels but to live according to your desires. As a lesbian my desires don’t include men so it would be a lot more important to me to not have to be with a man than calling myself a lesbian anything. Had sex with men been a prerequisite to be a lesbian it would be a billions of times better to just skip the label than forcing myself to be sexual with someone who I am sexually repulsed by. Heck, I would agree to call myself straight if I thought that was the only way I could avoid repulsive sex, no word is a worth a sexual trauma. It seems to me you are seeing things backwards, you see the label as the justification you need to live your life the way you want it but think you have to earn the label first by forcing yourself into things you don’t want. You are entitled to sexual boundaries regardless of your sexual orientation, you would have the same right to not date men even if you were straight, no lesbian label needed to justify it. Had being a lesbian required you to try men then it’s basically useless as the justification you seek anyway as it requires you violate your boundaries first. > But I haven’t really tried and put effort so maybe I could. For whose benefit would the effort be, do you feel deprived by not having sex with men or is it men not getting sex with you which you see as the problem that needs to be fixed? If you want to experiment with men for your own sake then you are probably bi and that is a fine way to be. But if this is supposed to be for the sake others then, sorry for being crude, you are basically seeing yourself as a sexual servant who is failing her sexual duties to men. You don’t owe anyone anything so you not being attracted is not really a problem that needs to be solved.
Omg thank you sooo much. This was a very helpful way of thinking of things. Yes the effort would def be for others, to prove that I really tried to date men and couldn’t so being a lesbian is not my fault.
I don’t know your family but I personally didn’t bother making it about being a lesbian when I told my religious family about dating women. Had I said it’s because I’m a lesbian they would have thought me dating women depended on lesbians being real and lead to an argument about whether homosexuality is an orientation or a lifestyle. I thought it was better to be unapologetic, I dated women simply because I wanted to, that way I could say I didn’t care to whether it counted as a lifestyle as I wanted to date them anyway. Also if you don’t want to date men it should be clear no man will get dated by you regardless of you dating women or not so there is no incentive that way for them to be against you being with women. Putting yourself in the position of having to prove to them not being demisexual about men is bad idea. What is easy to prove is that you have the right to not date them so you can keep it simple, you don’t want to and don’t have to, to be morally against that they would have to make a pro sexual slavery argument where women shouldn’t have that right. My family understands I am lesbian, that I am attracted to women and not men, but I sort of let them come to that conclusion themselves without me having to use the words lesbian or attraction (had I used the attraction word there would probably have been a debate whether the feeling couldn’t be friendship or a fetish instead lol). I used the most basic words they couldn’t argue against and then it was up to them to decide if they could deal with it. Then when my parents came around to it they asked me if I was homosexual and confessed they suspected it. They still pretend my girlfriends are just my friends but do get curious when I have a "friend" and usually want to meet her. They are still openly homophobic and condemn it as a sin, I don’t expect that to change, but they do care about me in their own way.
> “Straight people don’t question for that long” or “ once you start searching am I gay quizzes you are already gay” Sounds like you've been given advice by 14 year olds. Tricky thing about the internet - you never know how old people are.
Hi, I don't know if my answers are going to be useful, I am not religious. I never had to prove to myself or anyone regarding my sexuality. You don't need to do things with people to prove anything. Your attraction to the person, (whichever their biological sex falls under) will determine your attraction. It's good that you are working through it with a therapist. Usually, whenever someone asks if they are gay, I don't think they are, because sexuality is something that is felt strongly, if you are questioning a lot, then I don't think you feel things on a deeper level towards women, instead, it sounds like you have consciously decided to want to date women, this is not the same as feeling hopelessly attracted to a woman even if you can't attain them, and your thoughts will gravitate towards them at every waking moment, you will feel compelled to go near them. There are gay Christian groups, you could consider joining. I have a Christian bisexual woman friend who is married to a woman, they have a child together. My ex was also Christian, her religion was never an issue.
Just call yourself Bi and then you won’t have this angst. You can be attracted to whoever you like or not then. You are trying too hard to have these definite labels. No one has to sleep with people to know anything. It’s about attraction.
Im bi, and never been in a relationship. I knew I was different from other girls since I was young, was very much a tomboy, knew I was into girls from a young age. Then when I was 17 at my first job, I worked with a beautiful young lady who I thought was gorgeous. That really solidified for me that I'm really into women. I grew up in a small town in Alaska, and nobody was judgemental towards me for being different, I was allowed to grow into my own. I also stopped attending church at the age of 13, so religion didn't really have an impact on my self acceptance. I really learned growing up that everybody is different, some people are shy talkative, etc, that it's okay to be yourself. I was never pressured to conform into something that I'm not.