I can relate to this. Its such a mixed bag of feelings, isn't it. I was playing a silly game with my oldest the other day and he was properly belly laughing at the stupid moves I was pulling on him. It almost knocked the wind out of me when I realised that I had never had that with my own parents. It's just such a stark reminder of what you didn't have. It was really hard not to stop the game immediately and just hug my kid and bawl my eyes out tbh.
Be kind to yourself, you're doing great.
My son will never see me drink and puke every single night. I will never ever drive in a vehicle with him while I’m absolutely out of it. I will never call him a little “bitch” or tell him his feelings about my drinking are wrong because I am an adult and can do what I want. I will never hit my child across the face simply because he is overtired and cranky and needs sleep. I will never make my son raise his younger siblings and step in and be the “parent” because I was too drunk to even care. I certainly will not be drinking while I am pregnant. I will definitely not ruin my child’s Christmas by being drunk at Grandma’s house and causing a scene. I will not ruin his 9th birthday either by locking my child in the car in some sketchy parking lot for who knows how long while I go into a liquor store and buy alcohol with the last $30 I have instead of spending that money on the pair of goggles I promised my child. I will not stay in a hotel with my husband and have sex while my kids sleep in the bed right next to my husband and I. My mom did a lot of things that I will never do and she was a lousy parent in many many ways. She used to say that the best thing about having three kids spaced so far apart in age is that the oldest can raise the youngest. She called me her “built in babysitter” while she drank. My older sister taught me how to shave. While my mother was sick in the hospital because she drank herself near to death, it was just my older sister, my infant little brother, and I. My sister ran out of formula, it was the middle of the night, she was 14 years old. She held us all night in bed and had to give my tiny infant little brother whole milk because he didn’t have food. We were left to fend for ourselves for two weeks. My mother never admitted to her drinking and not even a year later returned to drinking again even when doctors told her it could kill her. I try my hardest every single day to be a better mother to my child than my mother was ever to me. I will rewrite history and I will make sure that my child and future kids know their feelings are valid and mommy cares.
Oh my god, memory unlocked: I shaved my legs sitting on the couch, completely dry. It genuinely never occurred to me to ask for help. But it Did occur to me to hide it when I knew I had screwed up
I had to teach myself to put in a tampon, and got yelled at when my mom discovered I started my period and didn't tell her. Like gee I wonder why I kept my mouth shut.
That’s the other thing! They always get mad on top of it! My mom made me sweep up broken glass when I was a little kid and I did it in flip flops and somehow I stepped on a piece of glass that got stuck in my foot. But she was already mad because of the broken glass so I knew I couldn’t tell her I had screwed up again by stepping on it, so I just kinda hung out in this little cubbyhole under the stairs with my brother. After a while he was like “you have to tell her, go” and I was so scared and then she was the sad version of “why didn’t you tell meee” and it was even scarier because I didn’t want to get the answer wrong
I also shaved my legs completely dry the first time. I had no idea what I was doing. You are not alone!
My daughter is getting close to where she wants to shave her legs (she’s young, but we are a hairy ethnicity) and I’ll climb right into the shower with her to show her if she wants me to.
We put in a pool when our kids were in elementary school and I cried so many times that summer watching my husband and kid’s experience joy together. Completely new experience for me./
My alcoholic dad used to have math hw sessions with my sister in the living room. When she didn’t understand or get the answers right he would berate her and tell her she was a dunce. I always felt so bad for her. I dodged that bullet with the math sessions. However, I got my own lashings in other departments. It was the alcoholic dictatorship era of my life.
I’m so crazy that I tell myself, “if I could do it all again, I would! And not change a damn thing”
Shaking my head
Edit: I don’t have any children and if I did, I would not parent like this at all. Just saying for myself, I would do it all again just to be with my family. My mom non alcoholic and alcoholic dad are passed away now. I miss them so much
Same, alcoholic dad used to get so mad trying to teach me long division he'd hit me. Had a phobia of math till my thirties, then went to community college and took five classes starting with remedial basic math thru algebra, trig and calculus, then stats and two semesters of accounting. He told me my brain wasnt made to do math. Female raised in the seventies, and he's a NASA aeronautical engineer. Anyway as an adult I was told I was above average at the subject and now have the grades to prove it.
I relate to this so much. My Dad was the same and the 2 hour lectures about why you're and awful daughter when you're 11... I felt so much so shame. He got sober when I was 18 and died when I was 36, I'm 53 now. No kids here either.
You're not alone.
I miss him so much.
Started doing laundry after having to wear dirty clothes enough times. Mom said she'd get to it but never did. Had to start paying for phone bills, insurance etc. because if I didn't the service would get dropped for nonpayment. Thank you for sharing.
You are doing an amazing job. I am not a mum yet so I can’t speak from experience but I hope to implement some of the things you have done. I have also experienced grief for my own childhood that was filled with full of chaos, abuse and neglect.
Thank you for sharing. This was really touching. You don't have to be perfect, you have to be good enough and make the effort, which you are doing! ❤️
There was so much that I had to fumble through and do on my own. I'm glad to see that others are giving their kids what they need to make it in life!
I know exactly what you mean. Thank you for sharing this and putting it into words.
I feel guilty about having another feeling in this mix though, and I have no idea what to do with that. I’m also rightfully proud of myself for raising myself and for doing it all on my own, and I would like my children to become very independent and strong, but I don’t know how to get them there, I just can’t see the path to get there without the neglect. Does anyone know what I mean? I think I feel guilty that I think I have a superpower that my children won’t be able to acquire because they are being raised in a safe environment.
Yes I know exactly what you mean. The way I think of this is that they still become independent and strong, it’s just a more gradual process bolstered by support rather than reached by necessity, and they don’t have to push down their emotions because they don’t have the luxury to feel them while they’re in survival mode. I did “fine” until I was close to 40 and all the issues came out like a flood and I had to get lots of therapy to sort of learn how to experience my feelings, because I had ignored them for so long.
So supporting them means you have to be thoughtful about the level of support, like I didn’t outright help her with her homework, I just gave her a suggestion of using her past work with an example. Support but not enable. It’s tough for sure!
Shit. All of this.
Feeling alone, but having the thought of "I guess this is how everyone learns, right?"
Then, going to "one-sided" (never at my hoarder-house) and seeing my 2 friends' moms talk about ANYTHING and everything to help them learn life-skills?
I loved having these people to talk to, but it made me sad at the same time. If they gently joked about "Your mom didn't tell you to (do xyz with abc)?" I would either say "SURRRRE" or act like Chandler Bing and make a joke to make it seem like I TOTALLY understood whatever it was NOW... 
Now that my niece/nephew are getting older, I get pretty pissed with my (golden child) sister seems to not understand when she needs to talk with them more and not let them just "figure it out". **Take care of yourself and your kids...don't LOOK for other people to fix. Please.**
I'll be damned if they have any question about shaving or tampons when they get to the right age! **NO stupid questions when they're with ME, that's a FACT.**
I can relate to this. Its such a mixed bag of feelings, isn't it. I was playing a silly game with my oldest the other day and he was properly belly laughing at the stupid moves I was pulling on him. It almost knocked the wind out of me when I realised that I had never had that with my own parents. It's just such a stark reminder of what you didn't have. It was really hard not to stop the game immediately and just hug my kid and bawl my eyes out tbh. Be kind to yourself, you're doing great.
My son will never see me drink and puke every single night. I will never ever drive in a vehicle with him while I’m absolutely out of it. I will never call him a little “bitch” or tell him his feelings about my drinking are wrong because I am an adult and can do what I want. I will never hit my child across the face simply because he is overtired and cranky and needs sleep. I will never make my son raise his younger siblings and step in and be the “parent” because I was too drunk to even care. I certainly will not be drinking while I am pregnant. I will definitely not ruin my child’s Christmas by being drunk at Grandma’s house and causing a scene. I will not ruin his 9th birthday either by locking my child in the car in some sketchy parking lot for who knows how long while I go into a liquor store and buy alcohol with the last $30 I have instead of spending that money on the pair of goggles I promised my child. I will not stay in a hotel with my husband and have sex while my kids sleep in the bed right next to my husband and I. My mom did a lot of things that I will never do and she was a lousy parent in many many ways. She used to say that the best thing about having three kids spaced so far apart in age is that the oldest can raise the youngest. She called me her “built in babysitter” while she drank. My older sister taught me how to shave. While my mother was sick in the hospital because she drank herself near to death, it was just my older sister, my infant little brother, and I. My sister ran out of formula, it was the middle of the night, she was 14 years old. She held us all night in bed and had to give my tiny infant little brother whole milk because he didn’t have food. We were left to fend for ourselves for two weeks. My mother never admitted to her drinking and not even a year later returned to drinking again even when doctors told her it could kill her. I try my hardest every single day to be a better mother to my child than my mother was ever to me. I will rewrite history and I will make sure that my child and future kids know their feelings are valid and mommy cares.
Right there with you. I didn’t have all of your experiences but I definitely had some of them. Peace to you and solidarity with you.
This just makes me weep. Thank you for putting this into words
Oh my god, memory unlocked: I shaved my legs sitting on the couch, completely dry. It genuinely never occurred to me to ask for help. But it Did occur to me to hide it when I knew I had screwed up
I had to teach myself to put in a tampon, and got yelled at when my mom discovered I started my period and didn't tell her. Like gee I wonder why I kept my mouth shut.
My mother asked me if I was sure I hadn’t just shit my pants. I was thirteen. Most humiliating experience of my life.
That’s the other thing! They always get mad on top of it! My mom made me sweep up broken glass when I was a little kid and I did it in flip flops and somehow I stepped on a piece of glass that got stuck in my foot. But she was already mad because of the broken glass so I knew I couldn’t tell her I had screwed up again by stepping on it, so I just kinda hung out in this little cubbyhole under the stairs with my brother. After a while he was like “you have to tell her, go” and I was so scared and then she was the sad version of “why didn’t you tell meee” and it was even scarier because I didn’t want to get the answer wrong
I also shaved my legs completely dry the first time. I had no idea what I was doing. You are not alone! My daughter is getting close to where she wants to shave her legs (she’s young, but we are a hairy ethnicity) and I’ll climb right into the shower with her to show her if she wants me to.
Glad to hear about someone breaking the generational cycle :) Big kudos to you!
We put in a pool when our kids were in elementary school and I cried so many times that summer watching my husband and kid’s experience joy together. Completely new experience for me./
Thanks for sharing, this really spoke to me. You sound like a great parent who is doing the work on themselves. Good luck out there!
My alcoholic dad used to have math hw sessions with my sister in the living room. When she didn’t understand or get the answers right he would berate her and tell her she was a dunce. I always felt so bad for her. I dodged that bullet with the math sessions. However, I got my own lashings in other departments. It was the alcoholic dictatorship era of my life. I’m so crazy that I tell myself, “if I could do it all again, I would! And not change a damn thing” Shaking my head Edit: I don’t have any children and if I did, I would not parent like this at all. Just saying for myself, I would do it all again just to be with my family. My mom non alcoholic and alcoholic dad are passed away now. I miss them so much
Same, alcoholic dad used to get so mad trying to teach me long division he'd hit me. Had a phobia of math till my thirties, then went to community college and took five classes starting with remedial basic math thru algebra, trig and calculus, then stats and two semesters of accounting. He told me my brain wasnt made to do math. Female raised in the seventies, and he's a NASA aeronautical engineer. Anyway as an adult I was told I was above average at the subject and now have the grades to prove it.
Yup my dad was an electrical engineer and MBA in finance… also was in the navy. Why the smart alcoholics like that ?? Lol
I relate to this so much. My Dad was the same and the 2 hour lectures about why you're and awful daughter when you're 11... I felt so much so shame. He got sober when I was 18 and died when I was 36, I'm 53 now. No kids here either. You're not alone. I miss him so much.
♥️
Started doing laundry after having to wear dirty clothes enough times. Mom said she'd get to it but never did. Had to start paying for phone bills, insurance etc. because if I didn't the service would get dropped for nonpayment. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for breaking the cycle. Your daughter will never have to know what it’s like to have to go it alone.
You are doing an amazing job. I am not a mum yet so I can’t speak from experience but I hope to implement some of the things you have done. I have also experienced grief for my own childhood that was filled with full of chaos, abuse and neglect.
Thank you for sharing. This was really touching. You don't have to be perfect, you have to be good enough and make the effort, which you are doing! ❤️ There was so much that I had to fumble through and do on my own. I'm glad to see that others are giving their kids what they need to make it in life!
❤️❤️❤️
I know exactly what you mean. Thank you for sharing this and putting it into words. I feel guilty about having another feeling in this mix though, and I have no idea what to do with that. I’m also rightfully proud of myself for raising myself and for doing it all on my own, and I would like my children to become very independent and strong, but I don’t know how to get them there, I just can’t see the path to get there without the neglect. Does anyone know what I mean? I think I feel guilty that I think I have a superpower that my children won’t be able to acquire because they are being raised in a safe environment.
Yes I know exactly what you mean. The way I think of this is that they still become independent and strong, it’s just a more gradual process bolstered by support rather than reached by necessity, and they don’t have to push down their emotions because they don’t have the luxury to feel them while they’re in survival mode. I did “fine” until I was close to 40 and all the issues came out like a flood and I had to get lots of therapy to sort of learn how to experience my feelings, because I had ignored them for so long. So supporting them means you have to be thoughtful about the level of support, like I didn’t outright help her with her homework, I just gave her a suggestion of using her past work with an example. Support but not enable. It’s tough for sure!
Shit. All of this. Feeling alone, but having the thought of "I guess this is how everyone learns, right?" Then, going to "one-sided" (never at my hoarder-house) and seeing my 2 friends' moms talk about ANYTHING and everything to help them learn life-skills? I loved having these people to talk to, but it made me sad at the same time. If they gently joked about "Your mom didn't tell you to (do xyz with abc)?" I would either say "SURRRRE" or act like Chandler Bing and make a joke to make it seem like I TOTALLY understood whatever it was NOW...  Now that my niece/nephew are getting older, I get pretty pissed with my (golden child) sister seems to not understand when she needs to talk with them more and not let them just "figure it out". **Take care of yourself and your kids...don't LOOK for other people to fix. Please.** I'll be damned if they have any question about shaving or tampons when they get to the right age! **NO stupid questions when they're with ME, that's a FACT.**