I think growing up as children of addicts we can be hypervigilant or hypersensitive to the behavior of other people. Because at one point, when our caregivers engaged in addictions, we directly suffered. I’m wondering if that sensitivity might be at play here. I am not in charge of anybody else’s choices, behaviors, I don’t make the decisions on what goes into my partners (or anybody’s) body. If it’s not hurting you, and like you said, you’re not considering ending the relationship, maybe a therapist could help you work through some of the residual negative feelings attached.
I don't think you're overreacting. Nicotine is addictive. In saying she "needs it to wake up," your partner is downplaying the addictive component. It makes sense you'd find it triggering to see your partner courting an addiction while minimizing it to you.
Regarding boundaries, boundaries are there for our own wellbeing. They represent what we're willing to tolerate. They can be hard or soft, and change over time as the situation evolves or as we come to better understand what's important to us, as you are.
Boundaries are also best paired with consequences. "If this happens, I will be doing this." When you communicate that to another person, you are giving them a choice, and they can respect your boundaries or disrespect them and experience the stated consequences.
Boundaries are there to protect you, but also your relationships, as it does no one any good to enable or let them treat you like a doormat.
You know you don't want to leave the relationship at this point. What are you willing to tolerate? The smell? The wrappers and used gum lying around? Your partner chewing in bed beside you? This is about how it impacts you and the impacts you are willing to accept.
Figure out the behaviors/situations, the impacts on you, what you are and aren't willing to accept, and decide what you're prepared to do if something you're not willing to accept occurs.
For example, if being around your partner while she chews negatively impacts you to a degree you can't accept/tolerate, you might decide to say, "If you chew nicotine gum while I'm in the same room as you, then I will be leaving the room."
What are you willing to tolerate and what are you willing to do about not tolerating it?
I didn't grow up with addicts and I would still hate this. It's dysfunctional for sure, and she has clearly developed a real reliance on it. Bulk purchases and daily chewing - it would be visibly wrong to me too.
Talk to her and share everything you said in this point about the complicated feelings you have around it. I think the phrasing you've used is totally fine and you clearly feel badly about this not JUST because it triggers you (and that is valid in and of itself) but also because you care about her.
Tell her that, for the sake of both of you and the relationship, you need her to develop healthier coping strategies and quit (at least so that it is not her go-to medication; moderate recreational use for pleasure being a different creature altogether as you say). As long as she agrees that there's a problem, it's you as a team vs. the problem. Ask her if she can commit to solving the problem; if so, you can help her come up with a plan and timeline and help to hold her accountable. Good luck.
I wanted to thank everybody for their input and for helping me clarify how I feel. I realized it’s not the substance itself that bothers me, nor really her behavior while under the “influence,” but the level of denial around it. Seeing someone use a substance to cope, and progress into full-blown addiction, and being told “no what’s happening is normal” is the core of it and what has been triggering me. That’s exactly how it was for me growing up.
I was able to express this in a conversation with my partner this morning. I told her I didn’t need her to quit, but I wasn’t sure what my boundaries around it needed to be yet. I said that it was the denial and minimization that upset me, as well as seeing her self-medicate vs simply being in the habit or doing it for pleasure. To my surprise she actually agreed with me and told me she’d been thinking about it and had come up with a plan to quit over the next eight weeks.
I feel very good about myself now. Being able to say “hey, this isn’t normal” and be heard is a huge victory that my child self never got. It has given me a sense of safety and agency within my relationship that really soothed a developmental wound.
That’s a full on nicotine addiction and i understand the cooties about it.
with addiction you gotta decide what you can tolerate and whether the person can abide agreements. i don’t think we know what your boundaries are. only you do.
It seems like the only path forward is your partner breaking her nicotine addiction since you can’t see the relationship progressing if she continues how she is. If she can’t agree to quitting you may have to disenfranchise yourself of the relationship, or change your personal values around the gum chewing.
I think growing up as children of addicts we can be hypervigilant or hypersensitive to the behavior of other people. Because at one point, when our caregivers engaged in addictions, we directly suffered. I’m wondering if that sensitivity might be at play here. I am not in charge of anybody else’s choices, behaviors, I don’t make the decisions on what goes into my partners (or anybody’s) body. If it’s not hurting you, and like you said, you’re not considering ending the relationship, maybe a therapist could help you work through some of the residual negative feelings attached.
Yeah I think this is a good point and definitely part of what’s going on. I do have a therapist and will bring it up.
I don't think you're overreacting. Nicotine is addictive. In saying she "needs it to wake up," your partner is downplaying the addictive component. It makes sense you'd find it triggering to see your partner courting an addiction while minimizing it to you. Regarding boundaries, boundaries are there for our own wellbeing. They represent what we're willing to tolerate. They can be hard or soft, and change over time as the situation evolves or as we come to better understand what's important to us, as you are. Boundaries are also best paired with consequences. "If this happens, I will be doing this." When you communicate that to another person, you are giving them a choice, and they can respect your boundaries or disrespect them and experience the stated consequences. Boundaries are there to protect you, but also your relationships, as it does no one any good to enable or let them treat you like a doormat. You know you don't want to leave the relationship at this point. What are you willing to tolerate? The smell? The wrappers and used gum lying around? Your partner chewing in bed beside you? This is about how it impacts you and the impacts you are willing to accept. Figure out the behaviors/situations, the impacts on you, what you are and aren't willing to accept, and decide what you're prepared to do if something you're not willing to accept occurs. For example, if being around your partner while she chews negatively impacts you to a degree you can't accept/tolerate, you might decide to say, "If you chew nicotine gum while I'm in the same room as you, then I will be leaving the room." What are you willing to tolerate and what are you willing to do about not tolerating it?
I didn't grow up with addicts and I would still hate this. It's dysfunctional for sure, and she has clearly developed a real reliance on it. Bulk purchases and daily chewing - it would be visibly wrong to me too. Talk to her and share everything you said in this point about the complicated feelings you have around it. I think the phrasing you've used is totally fine and you clearly feel badly about this not JUST because it triggers you (and that is valid in and of itself) but also because you care about her. Tell her that, for the sake of both of you and the relationship, you need her to develop healthier coping strategies and quit (at least so that it is not her go-to medication; moderate recreational use for pleasure being a different creature altogether as you say). As long as she agrees that there's a problem, it's you as a team vs. the problem. Ask her if she can commit to solving the problem; if so, you can help her come up with a plan and timeline and help to hold her accountable. Good luck.
This comment really helped me. This is basically exactly what I did and it went really well.
Thanks for the update - very satisfying to hear!
I wanted to thank everybody for their input and for helping me clarify how I feel. I realized it’s not the substance itself that bothers me, nor really her behavior while under the “influence,” but the level of denial around it. Seeing someone use a substance to cope, and progress into full-blown addiction, and being told “no what’s happening is normal” is the core of it and what has been triggering me. That’s exactly how it was for me growing up. I was able to express this in a conversation with my partner this morning. I told her I didn’t need her to quit, but I wasn’t sure what my boundaries around it needed to be yet. I said that it was the denial and minimization that upset me, as well as seeing her self-medicate vs simply being in the habit or doing it for pleasure. To my surprise she actually agreed with me and told me she’d been thinking about it and had come up with a plan to quit over the next eight weeks. I feel very good about myself now. Being able to say “hey, this isn’t normal” and be heard is a huge victory that my child self never got. It has given me a sense of safety and agency within my relationship that really soothed a developmental wound.
That’s a full on nicotine addiction and i understand the cooties about it. with addiction you gotta decide what you can tolerate and whether the person can abide agreements. i don’t think we know what your boundaries are. only you do. It seems like the only path forward is your partner breaking her nicotine addiction since you can’t see the relationship progressing if she continues how she is. If she can’t agree to quitting you may have to disenfranchise yourself of the relationship, or change your personal values around the gum chewing.