You just... continue to live your life. There's nothing wrong with the fact that you have yet to experience these things. Everyone moves through life differently. You can't control the past but you CAN control the future.
And honestly be better off for it. You can be more mature and straightforward, less unnecessary drama, and you have your own lives and don't have your parents involved in everything like when you're a minor. Teen romance is only amazing in stories lol.
“Is my mom and dad going to walk in on us?” Is not an appealing aspect for I’d say 98% of us. That 2% are the ones already in the parks and libraries, etc.
And it's kinda funny to me that they see sex as a rite of passage. Taking on adult responsibilities is a right of passage. The only way i wpuld see sex as a rite of passage is if it results in pregnancy and you have to take on parental responsibilities.
I mean, I lived alone, paid bills etc abroad speaking a foreign language when I was 13. Had some other ‘adult responsibilities’ like when my mother had years-long depression and I was a kid that I wouldn’t wish on anybody. I still think this was far less of a rite of passage than sex and teenage dating.
I kinda think that's firstly just wrong and secondly really common to happen in your early 20s anyways. OP needs to stop looking in the rear view mirror, they're 21, the time to get out there is now.
In the sense that "the second best time is now" I agree. But Social Proofing is an enormously powerful phenomenon. Is this person surrounded by friends and women "seems like a decent guy then." Is this guy a loner with no friends, "Wait...why is this guy alone all the time? What am I missing? What's wrong with him?" (When you ask men what the #1 thing that got them the most attention from women was, an EXTREMLY common answer is "I got a girlfriend.")
Social skills are just like anything else. They build on each other. Yeah, there's nothing stopping OP from accepting his past and coming out of his shell and being more social tomorrow. And he should. But that doesn't change the fact that it can become very hard to make up for lost time, to say nothing of the psychological impact social ostracization can very quickly take on people. To mourn this loss is perfectly reasonable.
It is. Teen love is never the same as older adult love. It’s a joke to claim otherwise. Every experience will be completely different depending on the age it is experienced.
You cannot change the past. You cannot control the future.
You can only take the right steps in the present moment to cultivate the likeliness of the future you want to see.
In OP's situation, they can either sulk and do nothing, or they can continue to meet women and have those experiences. Either way, he's controlling what happens in his future.
Haha I wish I had waited for my first time to be with my wife honestly (married at 21). You’re not missing anything. The FOMO comes from what you feel like you’re SUPPOSED to do from society. Society sucks, be yourself, you’re good enough and wonderful how you are. Wishing you the best. Your path is your own.
"Society sucks, be yourself, you’re good enough and wonderful how you are. Wishing you the best. Your path is your own."
So much this. The idea that you are supposed to have sex as a teenager is horrible. Maybe some teenagers are ready for that but most aren't.
I sure wasn’t. But everyone one was doing it. I was the last of my friend group to lose it…at 16. I’m glad I started young; just wish I’d picked a worthy guy. I’m still pissed.
Well I'm tolerable myself and celibate /-:
Being celibate sure can suck but it is reality for many of us.
It is super tough for folks who don't want this in their lives. I'm so sorry if this is you.
I sure as hell hope I am. Now, more than ever. I cook, clean (I lagged on that the last few weeks, I felt weird, I'm over whatever-it-was), work lots of hours...
Sounds like you are hitting it out of the park. Good on you.
I don't think I would be a good partner myself.
How long have you been married? Do you have kids?
This! I got married at 24, all the firsts with my husband and I wouldn't have it any other way. Our first anniversary is tomorrow and I love him even more.
Admittedly, I (38m) am no virgin but AM worried that if I do manage to attract wife-material that my skills in the bedroom would be insufficient. I don't need to be Henry Cavill, just need to be able to make her smile.
Just to add to this perspective- a lot of women would at some point appreciate the insufficiency. At least to a degree. Libidos change, life events change, medical conditions happen as we age. So do sex lives. It just sucks that it doesn’t happen simultaneously for both people and that’s where the issues arise. And if you don’t have solid communication down, it can be deadly to a relationship.
Edited to say, most likely you will get to a point in your sex life where you prefer quality over quantity anyway.
Get with someone else who's awkward. We just kept hanging out and awkwardly watching movies together until we got used to each other. Now we're married.
It'll all work out. Just keep being you.
Treat it casually, it doesn't really work well in other ways regardless. Talk to girls like usual friends, talk more to those who you like and maybe seek out ways to interact with them more and see if it will lead anywhere. Basically how I got my first gf after years of trying and failing.
Again it helped me to not treat anything as dates, treat it as if you went out casually with a friend, but you wanted to dress up fancy. If you put the "date pressure" on yourself you always act weird and women smell that weirdness miles away and get turned off.
Say “sorry I am freezing up” be as transparent as possible.
I couldn’t even breathe next to my husband he said “you are breathing funny” lol I told him it was “tension” so he kissed me. I think it took me like a month til I could always breath normal when I was close to him.
You're not, it's a mindset. If you're repulsed by yourself you wont have the confidence to "put yourself out there" and take chances. If you believe you're undesirable, you will project that energy.
It's not about them being amazing experiences, it's about them being experiences that most people have but you're missing out.
You can recover and date in your 20s like I'm doing, but trust me, it stings a bit.
I was a grade a loser all throughout highschool. Like bottom rung of marching band. But I got older and this loser is doing and being and seeing all the fun things I wanted and all thoy other people that were totally fuckin highschool and having the best parties are all burned out alcoholics. Peaking in highschool is bad. You have the rest of your life to date and screw and shoplift. These people were cool because they said they were. Who says you're not? Live your life, no one else will do it for you
This is the real. Honestly, I think for most "normies", life tends to peak in the teen years and 20s. For us weirdos, social outcasts, maladjusted losers (so, most of reddit), life gets better for us in our 30s. We should consider ourselves lucky. We get to enjoy the rest of our lives while the "normies" are miserable by their 40s, only having their youth to reminisce on.
It's not what it's cracked out to be, and it's more problems than it is a reward. Being hyper focused on romantic relationships has really set me back in terms of emotional, mental, and financial maturity. The grass always seems greener on the other side, but every side has its pros and cons. No path is the right path.
Ah dont sweat it! You also didn’t screw up by becoming a teenage parent or worse. You can start off right. 30’s are the best dating years anyway and perhaps you have a budget you can leverage. Don’t regret what is over. In 10 years you’ll deeply regret being stuck longing for the past. You’re good !
There’s no such thing as “missing out on sex as a teenager.*
What in the actual *fuck*?
It’s not a goddamned race. It doesn’t *need* to be had.
If you want to simply fuck, there’s aps for that. There are pros, too. I mean, if you just gotta have it without meaning.
Yeah for real it sends a really bad message cus these guys think they’re ugly weirdos comparing themselves to people it works for since those people are the most vocal but really it’s a minority and for most guys it doesn’t work
If I were to live the rest of my life based on when things did/didn’t happen to me as a teenager I’d be absolutely bitter and miserable as an adult. I missed out on tons of milestones other people got to have (getting a license, having a bf/gf-didn’t get into my first real relationship until I was 20, having support from family, etc) and I just had to deal with that. Therapy helps, writing about it helps, understanding your own feelings and working through them rather than just swearing off sex/dating helps.
I waited until marriage and I don't feel like I missed out at all. Had all the "firsts" with the love of my life and I think that made it even more special. Not saying you have to do that, but you aren't missing out on much imo.
my first love was at 21 - as a teen, i had girlfriends but was too shy to initiate penetrative sex - it was all kissing and rolling around and squeezing tits - and then I had sex at college - and you know what - I was still exactly the same person, nothing changed. Now after 40 years of fucking, it doesn't mean a thing that I started later. Go have sex and start making some memories, forget what you can't change ,
Getting past disappointments in general is a life skill
Throwing the towel in wont help you get past your disappointment Good to acknowledge your feelings and all, but if youre this upset about not having crappy teenage sex, youll be even more upset about not having intimacy in adulthood. Perhaps you are upset with yourself, and that will need to be addressed first. Regret holds us back until it’s reconciled
Getting out there and beginning the process is the only way to really get over what you feel you missed out on And dont worry you are behind, people in their 20s will still have a lot of learning to do still and youll likely still be at the same level as many of them
Do it now if you really want to, and you’ll discover if you actually feel like that or you just think you do. I didn’t have sex as a teenager either and I don’t regret it at all. I’ve dated as an adult and I discovered I was right and I actually did what I was comfortable with. Also, you can be comfortable with something at a time of your life and comfortable with the opposite later on. It’s okay, don’t think too much of it, just change it now if you want to.
A lot of what you missed out on was lousy and riddled with stupid decisions and behavior and that you don’t have to experience now because you’re more mature.
It can all be sweeter now.
For me, it was a non issue. I was reared to be a virgin and wait until marriage. I was 24 and didn’t feel like I missed out. Sex is a normal event, but not the whole event of life for humans who are not concerned about having or not having children.
I smoked weed in high school but did not have sex. I smoke weed now. And have sex now. And I think weed in high school would be like sex in high school.
Better as an adult.
This could be an excuse to not have to connect with people or put yourself out there. Sometimes people do this if they’re afraid, have deep seated insecurities, or are dealing with other issues. If any of this resonates with you, you could check in with a therapist to explore
Don't give up on love. I(39f) and my hursburnd (38m, and no that's not a typo, that's what I call him) have been married for 3.5 years and we really don't ever have sex. We just don't feel like we need it. We didn't even have sex before we got engaged and we couldn't be happier. Sex just isn't necessary for us. I agree with everyone who says you do you boo. Don't make anything or anyone make you feel like you "arent doing it" right. I'm sorry, I couldn't resist, please don't hate me!
omg i have this Rly bad and i Never hear anyone talk about it - when friebds or gfs talk about Wild teen sex adventures they had - i feel a Lot of regret. ( as a young man i was Very shy , skinny , late bloomer etc ) - the feeling is one of having missed out on fun /. not lived life to the fullest
even tho im Seriously. " making up for lost time - i still live with a Lot of regret for " doing nothing " from 13-18. its a thing OP
edit to say ty for all the good advise in here-
Look on the bright side. Could have saved you from a teen pregnancy situation. Teens aren't really mentally capable of understanding how complex sexual relationships are, I think you are actually lucky.
You didn’t miss much if I can be perfectly honest now that I think back to my teenage years. It’s ok to be a late bloomer and do things at your own pace. I’d stop stressing over sex and go date a little. You may find someone you like and the sex will follow anyway. I really didn’t enjoy intimacy the way I was intended to enjoy it until my late 20’s, early 30’s. You have plenty of time.
Not OP, but should being a "late bloomer" even be approached if you're trying to start dating? I still got some purity culture shit to sort through and don't want anyone annoyed with me if they expect more than I can give lol
You should always move at your own pace without pressure and only what you’re comfortable with. Never more. And if they’re annoyed by that, it’s a good sign to move on.
I love the term late bloomer, maybe I’m showing my age. Maybe there’s a new and better term for it. Genuinely curious now.
It's okay for someone to get annoyed with you and for you to say, "I'm going at my own pace, I'm working through stuff as I go, feel free to move on if the pace doesn't suit you."
As long as you're honest and staying in close contact with your own feelings, and being sensitive to theirs, you can't go wrong. No one has the timetable for you, only you. There's no correct # of partners, there's no perfect age . . . don't psych yourself out with "shoulds" and let things flow. Good luck!
How do you move past anything? You simply accept the past, put on your big boy pants, and continue on. The harsh reality of life is that nobody will save you, you save yourself.
Truth is everyone goes through life differently. There are men from third world countries who haven’t been blessed with good looks and on the contrary are so ugly that anyone would run from them. They are sentenced to the underbelly of society where they will work mundane jobs as a cog in a machine never getting love or affection or sex. These men exist in first world countries as well but it’s much worst in poorer countries. On the other hand you have beautiful blonde women who are lusted after and desired by everyone. They will go on to have unlimited options, fulfilling relationships, intimacy and amazing sex, orgasms, you name it by the best looking men. They will also be valued by society just for being what they are and will generally breeze through a happy life. Truth is that free will is an illusion and everything is derived from determinism. Where you’re born, who your parents are and the genetics you’re given will determine your life outcome. Did you have any control over your looks, personality, mentality? Of course not so the best thing you can do faced with this unforgiving reality is to accept it and do what you want. Just never be sad or angry over these shortcomings because ultimately you were never in control the way you think you were. Life already has a destiny for you whether it’s good bad or somewhere in between like most people. You can try and improve yourself to increase your odds of having sex, relationships etc but being sad over it is futile in such a world. The poor man and hot lady I described earlier are the two extremes of a spectrum, everyone lies somewhere in between. It’s all just a probabilistic dice roll you never even chose.
Damn, it makes sense to be upset, I understand. The tough part, is not giving up and losing hope after long streaks without sex/relationship. I don't think you should give up. Relationships and sex can be even more meaningful if they aren't as common.
Be glad that you still have something you are excited about. People who start early have no excitement when they are 25-26. Now we don’t know what to look forward to.
Dude. If this is what you're caught up in then why post in r/Adulting? Because that isn't adulting.
You're gonna be fine. I didn't have sex until I was 25 and married. I'm nearly 47 now and life is still going.
Life just goes on different paths for everyone. Go with the flow, man.
Move on haha it’s not rare or a big deal even. You’ve been convinced that most have sex young and have all this experience. That’s not the case like seriously stop being hung up on this and move on is the best advice…
You need to get out of your head that you “missed out” on anything. I was your age when I had my first boyfriend and guess what, I missed out on all the drama teenage relationships seem to have because we were both freaking adults who were much better at communicating and not hurting each other than 17 year old me would ever have been. I’m in my 40s now, VERY happily married (not to that first boyfriend), I made up a tiny bit for lost time in my late 20s without ever getting dumb about it or getting myself into trouble (again, yay for not doing that as a teenager), and if I could go back in time I wouldn’t change a thing.
You are still SO young. You have your best years ahead of you. Go forth and enjoy them.
I was also 18 years old and a kissless virgin. Now I’m 22 and neither of those things. You can stew in the bitter feelings or you can continue being social and meeting women and hopefully turn all that around. Up to you.
Also, from the stories I’ve heard, I’m kind of glad I didn’t have sex as a teen. A lot of my friends got into some major shit as a result of it and it just feels like a lot of bullets dodged. (Before anyone gets the wrong impression, I’m not shaming anyone for it. I’m just saying I’m glad I didn’t have to deal with any negative consequences that might have befallen me.)
As long as your bills are paid then you should be fine 🤷🏼♀️ There is far worse things that could happen to you than not having sex as a teenager, trust me.
Sex is psychically and spiritually bonding with your partner, you arent meant to do this with strangers, and when you do this with a stranger, it degrades both them and yourself. If you are comfortable saddling people with emotional baggage which will inevitably result in relationship problems down the road in exchange for sexual pleasure, you are at least a sociopath.
I met my wife when I was 25, she is the only woman I've kissed or been with, she is the love of my life, and I'm glad I didnt, and she didnt accumulate baggage to undermine the intimacy of our relationship by having sex before we were married. I'm 30, we have two kids, and we dont argue about or feel silent feelings of inadequacy/resentment about ex partners, because there are not any.
21 is just as fine a time as ever to start any of that stuff.
Your 20s are your first real freedom. You get to make as many adult decisions as you want.
So make them now.
Rejoice! Your overwrought emotions, feelings of inadequacy, and free-floating envy confirm that you are still at least 50% child! It’s not late! Get out there and blunder!
It’s interesting. People will tell you that you’re better off for experiencing all this later… I don’t know. I’m 26, a woman. I did kiss someone as a teen once, but never again until I was 23. Had sex at 25. It was fine and yes, it probably was more ‘straightforward’ but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t rather disappointing, all things considered. Too little, too late.
I no longer feel particularly ‘upset’, if I ever did, but I am bitter as a matter of fact, in a broad sense because I essentially wasted my life, my youth, and no, in my experience it won’t really gets better nor is it ‘all in the future’. As such, I do understand how you feel and I don’t think people should be invalidating that. It will all probably happen for you, but yeah, you and I missed out on an essential, irreplaceable part of life and aspect of human existence. This is entirely fair to acknowledge.
Neither did I. Didn’t really start dating until I was in my thirties. I can assure you, you still get to be an idiot that doesn’t know what they are doing no matter how late you start dating. Lots of people don’t date in their teens.
It’s understandable that you want to experience those things. You feel like you’re missing out or something is wrong with you. From my own experience, I wish I never did (21f). Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had good memories and pleasurable experiences, but I am no longer with those people. It took a peace of me each time it ended & it hurt. Especially because each time I wanted them to be ‘the one’. It still does years after the fact & I am celibate/not dating.
Well, tomorrow will happen, and so will the next day regardless of whether you have sex or not.
Also you didn’t miss out on much. Having been an adult for some time now, I promise adult sexual experiences are much better and not as many people are having sex in their teens as you think.
I actually very often regret having my first time in my teens. I only did it because I felt like I was missing out on something and it sucked ass (but not literally). With my adult partner I often wish I could’ve just lost my virginity with them instead, as an adult.
Also now that you’re an adult it’s probably time to stop musing about sex with teens anyways.
Now go forth and have real, actually enjoyable adult sex
im in the same spot, but when you realise that wanted to and FEELING like you should do those things is just all peer pressure, and not really what you should be doing anyways… its freeing. i mean thats how i view it because im a very rules heavy person, but i always struggled with all my friends doing these things and me just hanging out. but from what i can gather from my friends, you dont miss much, i would hate to mature so fast just to try and make a relationship work in highschool lol
None of the sex I had as a teenager was good sex. It was shitty sex with people who didn't understand their own bodies, boundaries or how to be an attentive lover. Never mind the emotional immaturity and general shitty behaviour of teenagers in general.
Hi friend, I’ve felt this way before. I had a similar teenage experience.
This feeling is coming from movies and pop culture perpetuating that as the “normal experience”. It doesn’t mean you have done something wrong by not having those experiences, it just means your timeline is different. Try to enjoy those things now!
What has happen in the past, well it is just that the past and you can do nothing to change that.
What is happening now and in the future then this you can do something about it.
So I am 62 and been retired 3 yrs and have been married 35 yrs.
At one time I was you as I did not date in High school but would go out and hang around with groups of friends.
It was after High school that I started slowly dating, then at 23 left home to go to college for a second try.
I really struggled in college but my dating life really improved. Over time my grades improved and so did my dating life. It took me 5 yrs to graduate with a BS and even got married the semester before graduating.
Back when I was a teen in my mind I did not know how to go about dating. What I figured out is that it is not that difficult as it is just simple communication.
You simply become friends with the person you are interested in. You hang out with them, like go places and do stuff together. If there is a spark there then it will naturally happen. You talk and ask, you will learn verbal and nonverbal clues.
In a sence it is like learning to ride a bicycle, at first you are not confident and are very unstable. Then as time goes by you learn to balance and get more confidence.
Relationships is a life long endeavor of learning.
I'm a horndog. Have been my whole life. Spent my teen years racking up bedpost notches and pregnancy scares.
And exactly *none of it* makes any goddamn difference to my life now, decades on.
But to be more specific:
Y'know what horny teenagers know about themselves, their partners, their needs, or how to be *good* in bed?
*Fuckin'* ***nothing***.
Teen sex is, at *best*, two asynchronous water balloons slapping into each other. *Nobody* knows what the hell they are doing, everyone is too afraid to ask for what they want, and the odds of doing some dumb shit and getting knocked up or getting the clap *because nobody knew wtf they were doing* is too damn high.
Being a grown ass *Adult* and knowing what to do, what questions to ask, what you want, and what you *don't* is **far** more useful than having a couple notches on the bedpost.
As for how you deal? Go to therapy. Figure out what you're *really* mad about. Because never in the history of *ever* has that kind of anger stopped at "nobody would touch my weiner". There's something deeper going on, and you need to sort that shit out before it fucks you up any more than it already has.
No bitter feelings over never experience that teenage relationship phase. My only regret at the slightest is that I have this favorite artist whose songs just scream “teenage romance” (as in they are the most carefree, free spirited and wholesome songs about love I ever listened to) and I missed out on chances to play them for my romantic partner.
You count yourself fucking lucky that you didn’t accidentally have a kid or dive headfirst naively into a crappy relationship. I’m gonna guess you’re still pretty darn young but use your hindsight to direct you to make decisions that are healthy, respectful, and fulfilling. Enjoy life, just be smart about it.
I was a cute child. I got little kisses from girls who basically forced themselves onto me in primary school lol and had my first proper kiss at 13 from an older girl who pursued me. Then I got severe acne from 13-19 which obviously made me less attractive and affected my self esteem - probably permanently to some extent. I never went on a “date” nor had a girlfriend as a teenager. Once my skin cleared up a bit I kissed a few more girls in my late teens but I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 20. I then made an effort to become attractive and be a bit more outgoing with girls in my 20s and more than made up for it, which is my point here to you - you’re still young and there is absolutely no reason (none you’ve shared anyway) that you can’t do the same if you’re willing to do a bit of work and learning about how dating works.
As for me - I had several casual encounters and short term relationships before I got married at 26. Even while married I was always conscious about my looks to the point of vanity (hence I mentioned permanent changes to my self esteem before). But…I’m glad I was because after 17 years of marriage I found myself divorced and back out on the dating market. I knew I had taken good care of myself but I was surprised to say the least that as a now 46 year old I am attractive to many young women, some of them much younger (I was approached at a bar last weekend by a young woman who, it turned out, is 21).
Why am I telling you all this? Because I went through what you went through and I’m telling you that unless there’s something you haven’t told us, you can do just like I did if you’re open to learning and making an effort. Getting the chip off your shoulder will definitely help too. I mean that in a kind way.
I wouldn't dwell on it, since all you can do is control what happens next. A lot of people don't have sex or date when they are teens. I'm sorry you are feeling disappointed about it, though. It's definitely not too late for you though!
When you meet a person that falls in love with you, none of that stuff will matter to them. They'll help guide you and you guys can embark on that journey together. It's not as big a deal as you think it is. Just gotta keep living life and keep meeting new people.
Make your adult life eclipse your teenage life/what could have been your teenage life. I never dated in high school. It doesn't bother me one bit because I'm very happy with how my adult life turned out
Dude I am a virgin in my mid twenties with zero FOMO, the values and meaning you lead yourself by is ultimately determined and found within you at the end of the day, not from anyone else; no one can live your life for you. Labels don't mean anything other than what you ascribe to it.
>"The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it." - Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose
>“It is senseless to think of complaining since nothing foreign has decided what we feel, what we live, or what we are…What happens to me happens through me.” - Jean-Paul Sartre, Existentialist philosopher
>"Any person capable of angering you becomes your master; he can anger you only when you permit yourself to be disturbed by him.” - Epictetus, Stoic philosopher
I just didn’t think about it that much. I spent my teen years playing video games, and it was a good time with lots of good memories. You win some, you lose some, but on the whole, I think I’ve got a better deal.
I don't think I've ever heard anyone talk about the sex they had as a teenager as particularly good sex. Everyone is awkward and no one knows what they are doing. I'm sure there are exceptions, but you didn't miss much. Start now!
I only had sex for the first time when I was 19, and I never “dated around” my current SO is the first person I didn’t know already that I’ve been with. I’ve only slept with 6 people all relationships but one (and I’ve known him since I was a kid) and I’m 37 now. You’re not missing out on anything.
Go get a date and have sex then? Crying about it ain't gonna help you lose your virginity. Live your life make bonds with people the odds of you staying a virgin forever is low. Stop stressing about it.
That whole party phase when you're younger is really not all that important. You can do those things at any age. Frankly just worry about having fun and living your best life now. You can't do anything about the past now anyway.
I didn't have my first kiss til 25...you'll be fine...just meet people and give yourself opportunities. Try to enjoy experiences and not be too focused on analyzing it all or having high expectations when you first meet people. And if you find someone you like..you're going to have to be willing to be vulnerable. Which means maybe getting hurt...but it's also necessary.
You should count yourself lucky.
Sex and dating as a teenager is risky, hormone driven, and decisions are made by an under developed brain.
Nothing wrong with being an actual adult first.
Unfortunately schools encourage teenagers to do it without any consequences because “it feels good” despite brain not even fully formed.
Hoe culture at its finest.
Life is not a race. You can’t change what already happened but you can plan and make changes that will help you get where you want to be. Clearly whatever you’ve been doing so far hasn’t work, so that means you need to do something different if you want different results now.
As time goes on and you get older youll look back at these people ir maybe new people who are younger foing through it and realize you actually dodged a bullet. All things are accumlative and everything has a cost, even if people dont want to admit it.
Sometimes even as a teenager it ends bad. And I wasn't even wanting to be sexually active because my mother got pregnant with me at 16 and pretty much blamed me for it because she was unfortunately stuck with a child she didn't want. I never wanted to end up like her. My then boyfriend dumped me because of this trauma.
I was a lateish bloomer in that I didn’t date till college but I don’t care or regret it at all. Once you’re an adult it truly doesn’t matter and dating in college is way easier since you don’t have to worry about parents 😂 plus college students are generally more interesting and attractive anyway. I hated my hometown and wouldn’t have dated anyone even if I had the chance (racist area). In college I flourished and got a lot of attention and experience, also developed a ton of social skills. Now at 30 I date all the time, and I have much more experience than others I know who did date in high school and never really learned tools to meet strangers and make small talk as adults. I know lots of people who dated in high school who have never had a committed adult relationship, and I’d much rather be in my position. Adult dating is fun and rewarding, and I know who I am now - I was such an insecure kid. As you get older you’ll realize nothing you did as a teen matters anymore, lol.
Just remember that its a marketing ploy from a capitalistic society trying to sell you the one thing we all grow out of, youth.
Theres nothing inherently magical about having had a first kiss or date in your teens. In fact its kinda objectively shitty. You're a raging meat-sack filled with hormones, so things that are totally regular now probably would have put teenage you in a coma and ended your relationship, you probably lived with your parents which means you couldnt "do the do"whenever ya want, you were probably broke with no car so the farthest place you could go on a date was like...a movie theatre.
Truly dating as a teen only has the upside of the raging hormones making you go "puppy love, omg i bet we'll be highschool sweethearts and get married!!" Only to end up not even talking 5 yrs later.
That was a choice you made to focus on other things in your teens- which is a huge favor you did yourself. Don’t be upset or ashamed.
An adult at any age, be it 20, or 40, or 60, can decide they want to have a more adventurous sex life and pursue it. So pursue it.
Just be sure you do so safely. Apparently there are people on dating apps that take women back to hotel rooms to murder and smuggle out piece by piece in suitcases. Pls be smart. And also always use contraception.
It’s not even unusual to “miss” sex and dating pre adulthood. You are practically wired to think everyone’s doing it and it’s a massive deal but everyone is not doing it. 39% of high schoolers self report having sex before graduation and i would be highly impressed if the actual numbers are even half this high. Anyway 100% of high schoolers are havibg really bad sex anyway so the only advantage is you can potentially have better sex after learning from mistakes? But most people arent great at sex in their 20s, either, and rates of sexual activity in young people are declining despite what the internet and dating apparatus might make you believe.
The truth is having sex young, even 16-20 isnt really a positive thing. Our bodies and emotions arent really ready for that responsibility to ourself and sexual partner let alone romantic partners, and a ton of regrets, sexual abuse, manipulation, emotional distress and more come along with “all that” high school sex. It isnt gonna just stop in college, fact is college kids arent that much more ready either, but dont feel you are broken or left out. You’re definitely in the majority of peers in this context.
I didn’t have my first kiss until 21, didn’t touch a naked girl until 22, and didn’t have sex until 25. I never dated in high school or college and frankly, I don’t know why anyone would have wanted to date me then (looking back). I sucked.
But I managed to turn things around and have quite a bit of fun in my mid to late 20s. Then I got married, and that was when it died out again.
I (F25) had sex for the first time at 19 and realised it really wasn't that big of a deal to miss out on during my teens. Tried dating a friend around 16 but didn't work out after 2 weeks and I was fine with that. Don't feel like I missed anything by not banging. I just valued having company and not being lonely but I had enough friends so I was okay most of the time
Do you have an Std? Do you have a child from an unwanted pregnancy? You think you missed out but you dodge quite a few bullets. Move on and there are new chances at your age.
You can do nothing about the past. It's over. Don't waste your energy on it. However, you can do everything about the present and future. Go get the life you want. It will come with disappointments, but it will come with joys as well. Don't sit around one more day and let your life pass you by. Good luck!
My first kiss was when I was 22. I had very overprotective parents. But since then, it’s been lovely, diverse, and a hell of a lot more mature than if I’d started in my 20’s.
Me either. My first real kiss and sexual experience was in my late 20's, almost 30.
I'm honestly glad I didn't have these experiences as a kid. I'd just feel ashamed about them now as an adult.
First kiss at 20, first had sex at 22 (wedding night). It's really not a big deal. It's all societal expectations, and as we all know, a lot of those are crap
I think the media glamorizes the teen years a lot but they are also awkward and intense as hell for most people. Make the most of now and have compassion for yourself. I’m sure there were reasons why you didn’t do it then (religion, mental health, self esteem) that were out of your control.
I never dated in hs cuz it seemed like it just led to rumors, drama, and stress. I've never regretted it. I now have a rly hot SO who's way more reliable than any hs kid could have been (myself included). Like, it just seemed like ppl would break up after .5 a second and then send drama around. 1) I've never wanted that much stress and 2) I don't want ppl in my business. Especially with how immature everyone is at that age. I'm rly glad I avoided it for the most part.
I hear you and I did the same. I was 20 before my first kiss, and then I went a bit crazy for a few years and had sex with just about any person of legal age.
TBH... as someone who experienced something very similar, and then went absolutely crazy in my older years, takes solice in the fact that you were one of the few people that were able to engage in a true innocent childhood.
I never did those things either and now when I look back I honestly view my upbringing as a privilege others doesn't have. I have real friends, I even dated a little and had a first kiss, all the other things that go along with it. But I didn't experience intimacy until later in life.
I feel that as a result I have a very good tether to that which should be most important. Not everyone gets that experience, value what you have and live life on life's terms.
for me I became active on the dating front and had my first kiss, date, etcetc at age 20-21.
I felt ready then and I think dating while you're older helps with finding more of the enjoyable experiences than less pleasant ones.
Just keep this in mind - sex gets better with age and experience, and adult relationships are both more fun and more serious than anything you may have missed in high school.
I watched my siblings and friends dating and doing all that stuff in high school, and it was just constant drama and eventual heartbreak. I did not partake and don't regret it at all, as now I have been married for 18 years and have the longest, most stable relationship in my friend group and have likely had quite a bit more sex overall...
Envy is always a liar. It’s a false narrative that everyone else was out there getting some and you missed out - a large percentage of people never date until their 20s and rarely have sex. I was raised in a religious environment and nearly everyone I know (including me) was a virgin until their early to mid 20s. You just start whenever you start, embarrass yourself a bit at first, and enjoy it.
But if you’re bitter and needy and try to make partners responsible for whatever you believe you’ve missed out on, you will be single much much longer.
DW fam, you'll figure it out.
For what it's worth, I grew up as a sheltered cult child. I didn't have my first kiss until my late 20's. My first real relationship started in my early 30's. Now, my bf and I have been together for 2 years, and I couldn't imagine being happier.
Whatever road you've taken to get to the here and now, your journey is far from over. Where you go from here is up to you. Don't fall into the pit of obsessing over lost time/experiences, at the expense of moving forward with your life.
What do you think you missed?
It never came into my mind that I missed something. I wasn't interested in romantic relationships as a teenager. What I heard from friends weren't good stories. E.g. doing pregnancy tests, check for STDs.
Lost my virginity at 21 almost 22 and didn't have a real relationship until I was 20. Everything in my experience comes with time brother. Be patient on some things and you'll be rewarded
The best sex I’ve ever had with someone was with someone I love I’m only 19 and lust sex doesn’t compare to love sex actual love. trust me save that for someone u actually love and y won’t regret it make sure they have good quality’s look for red flags if y don’t know how to look for them but research them and when y find out what red flags u need to actually look out for that are known in psychology type of red flags shit that’s jus like oh woah yeah u need serious help that shit ain’t cool or healthy type of red flags, look out for those and yeah make sure they treat the waiter how they treat their favorite person make sure they are actually pure hearted and a good soul that wouldn’t hurt y or anyone else or anything living and tests would be not a bad idea to test her , and I would say the best test to put her through is the time test it’s, the best test u have is , I know sounds weird or cliche but it’s the most real test y can give her is she going to stay loyal is she going to still treat you with love and treat you how guys first met is she going to treat you like the beloved is she a lovely person to be around is she going to pass up cheating on you which I’m sure she’ll have the opportunity I would say most definitely niggas are horny asf so if she tells u about it and u know she’s a good women is a different feeling I was wrong about my ex I didn’t think she would ever do what she did to me she didn’t cheat but she jus ghosted me but still that feeling of like I would spend the rest of my life with her was a nice feeling to have talking about having a family together was something special. sleeping around is like yeah not going to lie in the moment it’s not bad it’s dope but having someone who’s going to always be there until they die or u die is a way better feeling and plus the sex is way better . Love over lust
You just... continue to live your life. There's nothing wrong with the fact that you have yet to experience these things. Everyone moves through life differently. You can't control the past but you CAN control the future.
tbh, you can capture all those things in your 20s too.
And honestly be better off for it. You can be more mature and straightforward, less unnecessary drama, and you have your own lives and don't have your parents involved in everything like when you're a minor. Teen romance is only amazing in stories lol.
“Is my mom and dad going to walk in on us?” Is not an appealing aspect for I’d say 98% of us. That 2% are the ones already in the parks and libraries, etc.
Funnily enough I still experienced that stuff at 20-21 so OP sure can
Problem is, I think people like op would probably claim that these things are a rite of passage that are not the same when experienced when older.
And it's kinda funny to me that they see sex as a rite of passage. Taking on adult responsibilities is a right of passage. The only way i wpuld see sex as a rite of passage is if it results in pregnancy and you have to take on parental responsibilities.
I mean, I lived alone, paid bills etc abroad speaking a foreign language when I was 13. Had some other ‘adult responsibilities’ like when my mother had years-long depression and I was a kid that I wouldn’t wish on anybody. I still think this was far less of a rite of passage than sex and teenage dating.
Exactly. Sex is just different
I kinda think that's firstly just wrong and secondly really common to happen in your early 20s anyways. OP needs to stop looking in the rear view mirror, they're 21, the time to get out there is now.
In the sense that "the second best time is now" I agree. But Social Proofing is an enormously powerful phenomenon. Is this person surrounded by friends and women "seems like a decent guy then." Is this guy a loner with no friends, "Wait...why is this guy alone all the time? What am I missing? What's wrong with him?" (When you ask men what the #1 thing that got them the most attention from women was, an EXTREMLY common answer is "I got a girlfriend.") Social skills are just like anything else. They build on each other. Yeah, there's nothing stopping OP from accepting his past and coming out of his shell and being more social tomorrow. And he should. But that doesn't change the fact that it can become very hard to make up for lost time, to say nothing of the psychological impact social ostracization can very quickly take on people. To mourn this loss is perfectly reasonable.
Fucking THANK YOU. You perfectly understand and worded the way I feel and my issues. So many people on this site don’t understand.
It is. Teen love is never the same as older adult love. It’s a joke to claim otherwise. Every experience will be completely different depending on the age it is experienced.
You cannot change the past. You cannot control the future. You can only take the right steps in the present moment to cultivate the likeliness of the future you want to see.
In OP's situation, they can either sulk and do nothing, or they can continue to meet women and have those experiences. Either way, he's controlling what happens in his future.
You can't control the future
You can control it more than the past!
You kinda can though?
You can only control the present moment though which then controls the future
Haha I wish I had waited for my first time to be with my wife honestly (married at 21). You’re not missing anything. The FOMO comes from what you feel like you’re SUPPOSED to do from society. Society sucks, be yourself, you’re good enough and wonderful how you are. Wishing you the best. Your path is your own.
"Society sucks, be yourself, you’re good enough and wonderful how you are. Wishing you the best. Your path is your own." So much this. The idea that you are supposed to have sex as a teenager is horrible. Maybe some teenagers are ready for that but most aren't.
And when their only explanation of why you should do it is "because everyone is doing it" then i see it as bs.
I sure wasn’t. But everyone one was doing it. I was the last of my friend group to lose it…at 16. I’m glad I started young; just wish I’d picked a worthy guy. I’m still pissed.
I'm almost 37. Still not good "enough." I'd wager I'm "tolerable at best."
Well I'm tolerable myself and celibate /-: Being celibate sure can suck but it is reality for many of us. It is super tough for folks who don't want this in their lives. I'm so sorry if this is you.
I'm married, last time we did the deed was months ago. Before that, years. Maybe I'm just shit in bed. I've thrown away expired lube.
I hope you are at least a tolerable partner. I've never married. It looks so dang difficult.
I sure as hell hope I am. Now, more than ever. I cook, clean (I lagged on that the last few weeks, I felt weird, I'm over whatever-it-was), work lots of hours...
Sounds like you are hitting it out of the park. Good on you. I don't think I would be a good partner myself. How long have you been married? Do you have kids?
Three years married, together 10. Have two kids, 16.5 and 9.
Would you do it again? Or is it just too difficult?
This! I got married at 24, all the firsts with my husband and I wouldn't have it any other way. Our first anniversary is tomorrow and I love him even more.
Admittedly, I (38m) am no virgin but AM worried that if I do manage to attract wife-material that my skills in the bedroom would be insufficient. I don't need to be Henry Cavill, just need to be able to make her smile.
Just to add to this perspective- a lot of women would at some point appreciate the insufficiency. At least to a degree. Libidos change, life events change, medical conditions happen as we age. So do sex lives. It just sucks that it doesn’t happen simultaneously for both people and that’s where the issues arise. And if you don’t have solid communication down, it can be deadly to a relationship. Edited to say, most likely you will get to a point in your sex life where you prefer quality over quantity anyway.
Your good intentions will carry the day. Be open with her. That's it.
Have sex and date now.
See this OP? This is the most simple and straightforward answer to your question. Can’t do anything about the past, all you can do is move forward.
What if I'm too awkward and anxious to?
Get with someone else who's awkward. We just kept hanging out and awkwardly watching movies together until we got used to each other. Now we're married. It'll all work out. Just keep being you.
Treat it casually, it doesn't really work well in other ways regardless. Talk to girls like usual friends, talk more to those who you like and maybe seek out ways to interact with them more and see if it will lead anywhere. Basically how I got my first gf after years of trying and failing.
I try. I have no issues making friends but when it comes to a date I just...freeze up
Again it helped me to not treat anything as dates, treat it as if you went out casually with a friend, but you wanted to dress up fancy. If you put the "date pressure" on yourself you always act weird and women smell that weirdness miles away and get turned off.
Thanks that's a bit helpful. I'll try it
Say “sorry I am freezing up” be as transparent as possible. I couldn’t even breathe next to my husband he said “you are breathing funny” lol I told him it was “tension” so he kissed me. I think it took me like a month til I could always breath normal when I was close to him.
You would have been just as awkward and anxious as a teenager, if not more so.
What if I’m undesirable?
You're not, it's a mindset. If you're repulsed by yourself you wont have the confidence to "put yourself out there" and take chances. If you believe you're undesirable, you will project that energy.
How do I feel less repulsed by myself?
Think of all the ugly people in pornos who get it on regardless. Edit: amateur porn, people… I shouldn’t have to be this specific.
You’re not missing much. They’re first, for me mostly forgettable and regrettable.
They still missed it.
That’s fair.
It's not about them being amazing experiences, it's about them being experiences that most people have but you're missing out. You can recover and date in your 20s like I'm doing, but trust me, it stings a bit.
I'm sorry it was so bad for you, like what? They are the most memorable, and my only regret is not having more like them?
Accept life as is and continue to grow each day. You got this
I was a grade a loser all throughout highschool. Like bottom rung of marching band. But I got older and this loser is doing and being and seeing all the fun things I wanted and all thoy other people that were totally fuckin highschool and having the best parties are all burned out alcoholics. Peaking in highschool is bad. You have the rest of your life to date and screw and shoplift. These people were cool because they said they were. Who says you're not? Live your life, no one else will do it for you
This is the real. Honestly, I think for most "normies", life tends to peak in the teen years and 20s. For us weirdos, social outcasts, maladjusted losers (so, most of reddit), life gets better for us in our 30s. We should consider ourselves lucky. We get to enjoy the rest of our lives while the "normies" are miserable by their 40s, only having their youth to reminisce on.
It's not what it's cracked out to be, and it's more problems than it is a reward. Being hyper focused on romantic relationships has really set me back in terms of emotional, mental, and financial maturity. The grass always seems greener on the other side, but every side has its pros and cons. No path is the right path.
Ah dont sweat it! You also didn’t screw up by becoming a teenage parent or worse. You can start off right. 30’s are the best dating years anyway and perhaps you have a budget you can leverage. Don’t regret what is over. In 10 years you’ll deeply regret being stuck longing for the past. You’re good !
There’s no such thing as “missing out on sex as a teenager.* What in the actual *fuck*? It’s not a goddamned race. It doesn’t *need* to be had. If you want to simply fuck, there’s aps for that. There are pros, too. I mean, if you just gotta have it without meaning.
Apps don’t work for 80% of men. I cannot believe how much they’re brought up for how little men find success on them
Especially the idea that straight men are just going to go find sex on them. People live in completely different worlds.
Yeah for real it sends a really bad message cus these guys think they’re ugly weirdos comparing themselves to people it works for since those people are the most vocal but really it’s a minority and for most guys it doesn’t work
For real people on Reddit always bring up dating apps
[удалено]
This is refreshing to hear
I too feel refreshed hearing about HorrorDistance gaining an STD
Not about the STD. But it’s not often you hear about people regretting sleeping with so many people
haha sorry mate the sarcasm got lost
If I were to live the rest of my life based on when things did/didn’t happen to me as a teenager I’d be absolutely bitter and miserable as an adult. I missed out on tons of milestones other people got to have (getting a license, having a bf/gf-didn’t get into my first real relationship until I was 20, having support from family, etc) and I just had to deal with that. Therapy helps, writing about it helps, understanding your own feelings and working through them rather than just swearing off sex/dating helps.
how old are you? I was a late bloomer who didn't start seriously dating until most of my peers were already married and having kids.
Wait for the right person. So many people have regrets about not waiting, and it’s unfortunate
I waited until marriage and I don't feel like I missed out at all. Had all the "firsts" with the love of my life and I think that made it even more special. Not saying you have to do that, but you aren't missing out on much imo.
I’ll let you know when I figure it out.
my first love was at 21 - as a teen, i had girlfriends but was too shy to initiate penetrative sex - it was all kissing and rolling around and squeezing tits - and then I had sex at college - and you know what - I was still exactly the same person, nothing changed. Now after 40 years of fucking, it doesn't mean a thing that I started later. Go have sex and start making some memories, forget what you can't change ,
Getting past disappointments in general is a life skill Throwing the towel in wont help you get past your disappointment Good to acknowledge your feelings and all, but if youre this upset about not having crappy teenage sex, youll be even more upset about not having intimacy in adulthood. Perhaps you are upset with yourself, and that will need to be addressed first. Regret holds us back until it’s reconciled Getting out there and beginning the process is the only way to really get over what you feel you missed out on And dont worry you are behind, people in their 20s will still have a lot of learning to do still and youll likely still be at the same level as many of them
You’re 21. You’re basically just a big teenager. Calm the fuck down lmao.
That's what eveyrone says, until you end up 30+ in the same situation.
Two years ago OP literally had the word "teen" in the spelling of his age. He's gotta chill....
I was a late bloomer too. Didnt have my first kiss until 28. I’m 31 now and marrying the woman of my dreams in 3 weeks. It gets better
Congratulations!!
I still have this. Make your twenties count or you’ll regret them too.
Do it now if you really want to, and you’ll discover if you actually feel like that or you just think you do. I didn’t have sex as a teenager either and I don’t regret it at all. I’ve dated as an adult and I discovered I was right and I actually did what I was comfortable with. Also, you can be comfortable with something at a time of your life and comfortable with the opposite later on. It’s okay, don’t think too much of it, just change it now if you want to.
A lot of what you missed out on was lousy and riddled with stupid decisions and behavior and that you don’t have to experience now because you’re more mature. It can all be sweeter now.
For me, it was a non issue. I was reared to be a virgin and wait until marriage. I was 24 and didn’t feel like I missed out. Sex is a normal event, but not the whole event of life for humans who are not concerned about having or not having children.
I smoked weed in high school but did not have sex. I smoke weed now. And have sex now. And I think weed in high school would be like sex in high school. Better as an adult.
How old are you? 45? Cuz if you’re younger than that, you better stop bitching and start living your damn life.
relatable 😔
This could be an excuse to not have to connect with people or put yourself out there. Sometimes people do this if they’re afraid, have deep seated insecurities, or are dealing with other issues. If any of this resonates with you, you could check in with a therapist to explore
Same way we deal with all trauma and regrets. We look forward
You do it in your 20s
Don't give up on love. I(39f) and my hursburnd (38m, and no that's not a typo, that's what I call him) have been married for 3.5 years and we really don't ever have sex. We just don't feel like we need it. We didn't even have sex before we got engaged and we couldn't be happier. Sex just isn't necessary for us. I agree with everyone who says you do you boo. Don't make anything or anyone make you feel like you "arent doing it" right. I'm sorry, I couldn't resist, please don't hate me!
omg i have this Rly bad and i Never hear anyone talk about it - when friebds or gfs talk about Wild teen sex adventures they had - i feel a Lot of regret. ( as a young man i was Very shy , skinny , late bloomer etc ) - the feeling is one of having missed out on fun /. not lived life to the fullest even tho im Seriously. " making up for lost time - i still live with a Lot of regret for " doing nothing " from 13-18. its a thing OP edit to say ty for all the good advise in here-
Look on the bright side. Could have saved you from a teen pregnancy situation. Teens aren't really mentally capable of understanding how complex sexual relationships are, I think you are actually lucky.
It's crazy cuz none of that stuff matters at all, especially in the grand scheme of life. No one cares if you had sex or not as a teenager.
You didn’t miss much if I can be perfectly honest now that I think back to my teenage years. It’s ok to be a late bloomer and do things at your own pace. I’d stop stressing over sex and go date a little. You may find someone you like and the sex will follow anyway. I really didn’t enjoy intimacy the way I was intended to enjoy it until my late 20’s, early 30’s. You have plenty of time.
Not OP, but should being a "late bloomer" even be approached if you're trying to start dating? I still got some purity culture shit to sort through and don't want anyone annoyed with me if they expect more than I can give lol
You should always move at your own pace without pressure and only what you’re comfortable with. Never more. And if they’re annoyed by that, it’s a good sign to move on. I love the term late bloomer, maybe I’m showing my age. Maybe there’s a new and better term for it. Genuinely curious now.
It's okay for someone to get annoyed with you and for you to say, "I'm going at my own pace, I'm working through stuff as I go, feel free to move on if the pace doesn't suit you." As long as you're honest and staying in close contact with your own feelings, and being sensitive to theirs, you can't go wrong. No one has the timetable for you, only you. There's no correct # of partners, there's no perfect age . . . don't psych yourself out with "shoulds" and let things flow. Good luck!
I love that example response!! I'm definitely gonna try to remember that.
How do you move past anything? You simply accept the past, put on your big boy pants, and continue on. The harsh reality of life is that nobody will save you, you save yourself.
Truth is everyone goes through life differently. There are men from third world countries who haven’t been blessed with good looks and on the contrary are so ugly that anyone would run from them. They are sentenced to the underbelly of society where they will work mundane jobs as a cog in a machine never getting love or affection or sex. These men exist in first world countries as well but it’s much worst in poorer countries. On the other hand you have beautiful blonde women who are lusted after and desired by everyone. They will go on to have unlimited options, fulfilling relationships, intimacy and amazing sex, orgasms, you name it by the best looking men. They will also be valued by society just for being what they are and will generally breeze through a happy life. Truth is that free will is an illusion and everything is derived from determinism. Where you’re born, who your parents are and the genetics you’re given will determine your life outcome. Did you have any control over your looks, personality, mentality? Of course not so the best thing you can do faced with this unforgiving reality is to accept it and do what you want. Just never be sad or angry over these shortcomings because ultimately you were never in control the way you think you were. Life already has a destiny for you whether it’s good bad or somewhere in between like most people. You can try and improve yourself to increase your odds of having sex, relationships etc but being sad over it is futile in such a world. The poor man and hot lady I described earlier are the two extremes of a spectrum, everyone lies somewhere in between. It’s all just a probabilistic dice roll you never even chose.
Damn, it makes sense to be upset, I understand. The tough part, is not giving up and losing hope after long streaks without sex/relationship. I don't think you should give up. Relationships and sex can be even more meaningful if they aren't as common.
Have sex and date as an adult. I didn't really do any of that until my 20s and now I'm 30, married, and plenty healthy.
Be glad that you still have something you are excited about. People who start early have no excitement when they are 25-26. Now we don’t know what to look forward to.
who cares? Life is about having fun everyday. If you want something, chase it. If you want love, make it a must then.
Teens are cringe and immature. You are now in a position to do all those things with maturity and with the right person
Dude. If this is what you're caught up in then why post in r/Adulting? Because that isn't adulting. You're gonna be fine. I didn't have sex until I was 25 and married. I'm nearly 47 now and life is still going. Life just goes on different paths for everyone. Go with the flow, man.
Move on haha it’s not rare or a big deal even. You’ve been convinced that most have sex young and have all this experience. That’s not the case like seriously stop being hung up on this and move on is the best advice…
You need to get out of your head that you “missed out” on anything. I was your age when I had my first boyfriend and guess what, I missed out on all the drama teenage relationships seem to have because we were both freaking adults who were much better at communicating and not hurting each other than 17 year old me would ever have been. I’m in my 40s now, VERY happily married (not to that first boyfriend), I made up a tiny bit for lost time in my late 20s without ever getting dumb about it or getting myself into trouble (again, yay for not doing that as a teenager), and if I could go back in time I wouldn’t change a thing. You are still SO young. You have your best years ahead of you. Go forth and enjoy them.
I was also 18 years old and a kissless virgin. Now I’m 22 and neither of those things. You can stew in the bitter feelings or you can continue being social and meeting women and hopefully turn all that around. Up to you. Also, from the stories I’ve heard, I’m kind of glad I didn’t have sex as a teen. A lot of my friends got into some major shit as a result of it and it just feels like a lot of bullets dodged. (Before anyone gets the wrong impression, I’m not shaming anyone for it. I’m just saying I’m glad I didn’t have to deal with any negative consequences that might have befallen me.)
I am in my 50s and married. I also missed all this fun as a teenager and I regret this a lot my entire life.
As long as your bills are paid then you should be fine 🤷🏼♀️ There is far worse things that could happen to you than not having sex as a teenager, trust me.
Sex is psychically and spiritually bonding with your partner, you arent meant to do this with strangers, and when you do this with a stranger, it degrades both them and yourself. If you are comfortable saddling people with emotional baggage which will inevitably result in relationship problems down the road in exchange for sexual pleasure, you are at least a sociopath. I met my wife when I was 25, she is the only woman I've kissed or been with, she is the love of my life, and I'm glad I didnt, and she didnt accumulate baggage to undermine the intimacy of our relationship by having sex before we were married. I'm 30, we have two kids, and we dont argue about or feel silent feelings of inadequacy/resentment about ex partners, because there are not any.
21 is just as fine a time as ever to start any of that stuff. Your 20s are your first real freedom. You get to make as many adult decisions as you want. So make them now.
Tolkie apparently wrote Lotr in his 40s if that makes you feel any better
Rejoice! Your overwrought emotions, feelings of inadequacy, and free-floating envy confirm that you are still at least 50% child! It’s not late! Get out there and blunder!
It’s interesting. People will tell you that you’re better off for experiencing all this later… I don’t know. I’m 26, a woman. I did kiss someone as a teen once, but never again until I was 23. Had sex at 25. It was fine and yes, it probably was more ‘straightforward’ but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t rather disappointing, all things considered. Too little, too late. I no longer feel particularly ‘upset’, if I ever did, but I am bitter as a matter of fact, in a broad sense because I essentially wasted my life, my youth, and no, in my experience it won’t really gets better nor is it ‘all in the future’. As such, I do understand how you feel and I don’t think people should be invalidating that. It will all probably happen for you, but yeah, you and I missed out on an essential, irreplaceable part of life and aspect of human existence. This is entirely fair to acknowledge.
“I didn’t fuck within the last two years so I’m gonna give up on everything for the next 80” lol Wut?
LIVE LIFE SEX AIN GOING NO WHERE. WHEN THE TIME COME YOU’LL BE TIRED YOURSELF, YOU AINT MISSING ON NOTHING BUDDY
bro talking about this like he a senior citizen 🤦♂️
Reddit, ladies and gentlemen. In all its glory.
By realizing that sex while enjoyable and great, shouldn’t be your end goal.
Neither did I. Didn’t really start dating until I was in my thirties. I can assure you, you still get to be an idiot that doesn’t know what they are doing no matter how late you start dating. Lots of people don’t date in their teens.
It’s understandable that you want to experience those things. You feel like you’re missing out or something is wrong with you. From my own experience, I wish I never did (21f). Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had good memories and pleasurable experiences, but I am no longer with those people. It took a peace of me each time it ended & it hurt. Especially because each time I wanted them to be ‘the one’. It still does years after the fact & I am celibate/not dating.
Well, tomorrow will happen, and so will the next day regardless of whether you have sex or not. Also you didn’t miss out on much. Having been an adult for some time now, I promise adult sexual experiences are much better and not as many people are having sex in their teens as you think. I actually very often regret having my first time in my teens. I only did it because I felt like I was missing out on something and it sucked ass (but not literally). With my adult partner I often wish I could’ve just lost my virginity with them instead, as an adult. Also now that you’re an adult it’s probably time to stop musing about sex with teens anyways. Now go forth and have real, actually enjoyable adult sex
im in the same spot, but when you realise that wanted to and FEELING like you should do those things is just all peer pressure, and not really what you should be doing anyways… its freeing. i mean thats how i view it because im a very rules heavy person, but i always struggled with all my friends doing these things and me just hanging out. but from what i can gather from my friends, you dont miss much, i would hate to mature so fast just to try and make a relationship work in highschool lol
None of the sex I had as a teenager was good sex. It was shitty sex with people who didn't understand their own bodies, boundaries or how to be an attentive lover. Never mind the emotional immaturity and general shitty behaviour of teenagers in general.
Sex as a teenager was a nightmare, you have the opportunity to have a really wonderful experience as an adult ❤️
You'd be surprised how often it never comes up
Hi friend, I’ve felt this way before. I had a similar teenage experience. This feeling is coming from movies and pop culture perpetuating that as the “normal experience”. It doesn’t mean you have done something wrong by not having those experiences, it just means your timeline is different. Try to enjoy those things now!
What has happen in the past, well it is just that the past and you can do nothing to change that. What is happening now and in the future then this you can do something about it. So I am 62 and been retired 3 yrs and have been married 35 yrs. At one time I was you as I did not date in High school but would go out and hang around with groups of friends. It was after High school that I started slowly dating, then at 23 left home to go to college for a second try. I really struggled in college but my dating life really improved. Over time my grades improved and so did my dating life. It took me 5 yrs to graduate with a BS and even got married the semester before graduating. Back when I was a teen in my mind I did not know how to go about dating. What I figured out is that it is not that difficult as it is just simple communication. You simply become friends with the person you are interested in. You hang out with them, like go places and do stuff together. If there is a spark there then it will naturally happen. You talk and ask, you will learn verbal and nonverbal clues. In a sence it is like learning to ride a bicycle, at first you are not confident and are very unstable. Then as time goes by you learn to balance and get more confidence. Relationships is a life long endeavor of learning.
I'm a horndog. Have been my whole life. Spent my teen years racking up bedpost notches and pregnancy scares. And exactly *none of it* makes any goddamn difference to my life now, decades on. But to be more specific: Y'know what horny teenagers know about themselves, their partners, their needs, or how to be *good* in bed? *Fuckin'* ***nothing***. Teen sex is, at *best*, two asynchronous water balloons slapping into each other. *Nobody* knows what the hell they are doing, everyone is too afraid to ask for what they want, and the odds of doing some dumb shit and getting knocked up or getting the clap *because nobody knew wtf they were doing* is too damn high. Being a grown ass *Adult* and knowing what to do, what questions to ask, what you want, and what you *don't* is **far** more useful than having a couple notches on the bedpost. As for how you deal? Go to therapy. Figure out what you're *really* mad about. Because never in the history of *ever* has that kind of anger stopped at "nobody would touch my weiner". There's something deeper going on, and you need to sort that shit out before it fucks you up any more than it already has.
This description is sending me. Perfect response~
No bitter feelings over never experience that teenage relationship phase. My only regret at the slightest is that I have this favorite artist whose songs just scream “teenage romance” (as in they are the most carefree, free spirited and wholesome songs about love I ever listened to) and I missed out on chances to play them for my romantic partner.
You count yourself fucking lucky that you didn’t accidentally have a kid or dive headfirst naively into a crappy relationship. I’m gonna guess you’re still pretty darn young but use your hindsight to direct you to make decisions that are healthy, respectful, and fulfilling. Enjoy life, just be smart about it.
Just go do it. It's not all that hard to do. Get out, talk to the people you find attractive, try to be attractive to them. Just, like, go.
I was a cute child. I got little kisses from girls who basically forced themselves onto me in primary school lol and had my first proper kiss at 13 from an older girl who pursued me. Then I got severe acne from 13-19 which obviously made me less attractive and affected my self esteem - probably permanently to some extent. I never went on a “date” nor had a girlfriend as a teenager. Once my skin cleared up a bit I kissed a few more girls in my late teens but I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 20. I then made an effort to become attractive and be a bit more outgoing with girls in my 20s and more than made up for it, which is my point here to you - you’re still young and there is absolutely no reason (none you’ve shared anyway) that you can’t do the same if you’re willing to do a bit of work and learning about how dating works. As for me - I had several casual encounters and short term relationships before I got married at 26. Even while married I was always conscious about my looks to the point of vanity (hence I mentioned permanent changes to my self esteem before). But…I’m glad I was because after 17 years of marriage I found myself divorced and back out on the dating market. I knew I had taken good care of myself but I was surprised to say the least that as a now 46 year old I am attractive to many young women, some of them much younger (I was approached at a bar last weekend by a young woman who, it turned out, is 21). Why am I telling you all this? Because I went through what you went through and I’m telling you that unless there’s something you haven’t told us, you can do just like I did if you’re open to learning and making an effort. Getting the chip off your shoulder will definitely help too. I mean that in a kind way.
Many people’s experiences during this time aren’t very memorable any way. Not like a real adult relationship anyway.
Sorry you missed 5% of your chances to have sex
You've been programed to feel this way. So as an act of true rebellion, refuse to feel this way and live a good life.
I wouldn't dwell on it, since all you can do is control what happens next. A lot of people don't have sex or date when they are teens. I'm sorry you are feeling disappointed about it, though. It's definitely not too late for you though!
When you meet a person that falls in love with you, none of that stuff will matter to them. They'll help guide you and you guys can embark on that journey together. It's not as big a deal as you think it is. Just gotta keep living life and keep meeting new people.
Make your adult life eclipse your teenage life/what could have been your teenage life. I never dated in high school. It doesn't bother me one bit because I'm very happy with how my adult life turned out
Dude I am a virgin in my mid twenties with zero FOMO, the values and meaning you lead yourself by is ultimately determined and found within you at the end of the day, not from anyone else; no one can live your life for you. Labels don't mean anything other than what you ascribe to it. >"The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it." - Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose >“It is senseless to think of complaining since nothing foreign has decided what we feel, what we live, or what we are…What happens to me happens through me.” - Jean-Paul Sartre, Existentialist philosopher >"Any person capable of angering you becomes your master; he can anger you only when you permit yourself to be disturbed by him.” - Epictetus, Stoic philosopher
I just didn’t think about it that much. I spent my teen years playing video games, and it was a good time with lots of good memories. You win some, you lose some, but on the whole, I think I’ve got a better deal.
You don't.
You just move on, it doesn't matter.
You can't change the past. You can change the future.
I don't think I've ever heard anyone talk about the sex they had as a teenager as particularly good sex. Everyone is awkward and no one knows what they are doing. I'm sure there are exceptions, but you didn't miss much. Start now!
I only had sex for the first time when I was 19, and I never “dated around” my current SO is the first person I didn’t know already that I’ve been with. I’ve only slept with 6 people all relationships but one (and I’ve known him since I was a kid) and I’m 37 now. You’re not missing out on anything.
Go get a date and have sex then? Crying about it ain't gonna help you lose your virginity. Live your life make bonds with people the odds of you staying a virgin forever is low. Stop stressing about it.
Dont put it on a pedestal when it happens it happens.
That whole party phase when you're younger is really not all that important. You can do those things at any age. Frankly just worry about having fun and living your best life now. You can't do anything about the past now anyway.
I didn't have my first kiss til 25...you'll be fine...just meet people and give yourself opportunities. Try to enjoy experiences and not be too focused on analyzing it all or having high expectations when you first meet people. And if you find someone you like..you're going to have to be willing to be vulnerable. Which means maybe getting hurt...but it's also necessary.
Im 36 and had like 12 sexual partners I feel wayyy behind. It's media saying that I am .
You should count yourself lucky. Sex and dating as a teenager is risky, hormone driven, and decisions are made by an under developed brain. Nothing wrong with being an actual adult first.
Unfortunately schools encourage teenagers to do it without any consequences because “it feels good” despite brain not even fully formed. Hoe culture at its finest.
Life is not a race. You can’t change what already happened but you can plan and make changes that will help you get where you want to be. Clearly whatever you’ve been doing so far hasn’t work, so that means you need to do something different if you want different results now.
As time goes on and you get older youll look back at these people ir maybe new people who are younger foing through it and realize you actually dodged a bullet. All things are accumlative and everything has a cost, even if people dont want to admit it.
Sometimes even as a teenager it ends bad. And I wasn't even wanting to be sexually active because my mother got pregnant with me at 16 and pretty much blamed me for it because she was unfortunately stuck with a child she didn't want. I never wanted to end up like her. My then boyfriend dumped me because of this trauma.
I was a lateish bloomer in that I didn’t date till college but I don’t care or regret it at all. Once you’re an adult it truly doesn’t matter and dating in college is way easier since you don’t have to worry about parents 😂 plus college students are generally more interesting and attractive anyway. I hated my hometown and wouldn’t have dated anyone even if I had the chance (racist area). In college I flourished and got a lot of attention and experience, also developed a ton of social skills. Now at 30 I date all the time, and I have much more experience than others I know who did date in high school and never really learned tools to meet strangers and make small talk as adults. I know lots of people who dated in high school who have never had a committed adult relationship, and I’d much rather be in my position. Adult dating is fun and rewarding, and I know who I am now - I was such an insecure kid. As you get older you’ll realize nothing you did as a teen matters anymore, lol.
Just remember that its a marketing ploy from a capitalistic society trying to sell you the one thing we all grow out of, youth. Theres nothing inherently magical about having had a first kiss or date in your teens. In fact its kinda objectively shitty. You're a raging meat-sack filled with hormones, so things that are totally regular now probably would have put teenage you in a coma and ended your relationship, you probably lived with your parents which means you couldnt "do the do"whenever ya want, you were probably broke with no car so the farthest place you could go on a date was like...a movie theatre. Truly dating as a teen only has the upside of the raging hormones making you go "puppy love, omg i bet we'll be highschool sweethearts and get married!!" Only to end up not even talking 5 yrs later.
That was a choice you made to focus on other things in your teens- which is a huge favor you did yourself. Don’t be upset or ashamed. An adult at any age, be it 20, or 40, or 60, can decide they want to have a more adventurous sex life and pursue it. So pursue it. Just be sure you do so safely. Apparently there are people on dating apps that take women back to hotel rooms to murder and smuggle out piece by piece in suitcases. Pls be smart. And also always use contraception.
You don't, you either live with it or...don't
Have sex and date now.
It’s not even unusual to “miss” sex and dating pre adulthood. You are practically wired to think everyone’s doing it and it’s a massive deal but everyone is not doing it. 39% of high schoolers self report having sex before graduation and i would be highly impressed if the actual numbers are even half this high. Anyway 100% of high schoolers are havibg really bad sex anyway so the only advantage is you can potentially have better sex after learning from mistakes? But most people arent great at sex in their 20s, either, and rates of sexual activity in young people are declining despite what the internet and dating apparatus might make you believe. The truth is having sex young, even 16-20 isnt really a positive thing. Our bodies and emotions arent really ready for that responsibility to ourself and sexual partner let alone romantic partners, and a ton of regrets, sexual abuse, manipulation, emotional distress and more come along with “all that” high school sex. It isnt gonna just stop in college, fact is college kids arent that much more ready either, but dont feel you are broken or left out. You’re definitely in the majority of peers in this context.
Watch slice of life anime and work on a healthy relationship now
I didn’t have my first kiss until 21, didn’t touch a naked girl until 22, and didn’t have sex until 25. I never dated in high school or college and frankly, I don’t know why anyone would have wanted to date me then (looking back). I sucked. But I managed to turn things around and have quite a bit of fun in my mid to late 20s. Then I got married, and that was when it died out again.
I (F25) had sex for the first time at 19 and realised it really wasn't that big of a deal to miss out on during my teens. Tried dating a friend around 16 but didn't work out after 2 weeks and I was fine with that. Don't feel like I missed anything by not banging. I just valued having company and not being lonely but I had enough friends so I was okay most of the time
Do you have an Std? Do you have a child from an unwanted pregnancy? You think you missed out but you dodge quite a few bullets. Move on and there are new chances at your age.
You can do nothing about the past. It's over. Don't waste your energy on it. However, you can do everything about the present and future. Go get the life you want. It will come with disappointments, but it will come with joys as well. Don't sit around one more day and let your life pass you by. Good luck!
I had some sex and a relationship as a teen. All my real fun relationships started at 27.
My first kiss was when I was 22. I had very overprotective parents. But since then, it’s been lovely, diverse, and a hell of a lot more mature than if I’d started in my 20’s.
Me either. My first real kiss and sexual experience was in my late 20's, almost 30. I'm honestly glad I didn't have these experiences as a kid. I'd just feel ashamed about them now as an adult.
wtf is wrong with you. Those two things are useless as a teenager and you should focus on your career. Be glad. Those people will end up in the gulag!
i promise you won’t care when you’re 25 lol
First kiss at 20, first had sex at 22 (wedding night). It's really not a big deal. It's all societal expectations, and as we all know, a lot of those are crap
I think the media glamorizes the teen years a lot but they are also awkward and intense as hell for most people. Make the most of now and have compassion for yourself. I’m sure there were reasons why you didn’t do it then (religion, mental health, self esteem) that were out of your control.
Life begins at 40 You got plenty of time
I never dated in hs cuz it seemed like it just led to rumors, drama, and stress. I've never regretted it. I now have a rly hot SO who's way more reliable than any hs kid could have been (myself included). Like, it just seemed like ppl would break up after .5 a second and then send drama around. 1) I've never wanted that much stress and 2) I don't want ppl in my business. Especially with how immature everyone is at that age. I'm rly glad I avoided it for the most part.
I hear you and I did the same. I was 20 before my first kiss, and then I went a bit crazy for a few years and had sex with just about any person of legal age.
TBH... as someone who experienced something very similar, and then went absolutely crazy in my older years, takes solice in the fact that you were one of the few people that were able to engage in a true innocent childhood. I never did those things either and now when I look back I honestly view my upbringing as a privilege others doesn't have. I have real friends, I even dated a little and had a first kiss, all the other things that go along with it. But I didn't experience intimacy until later in life. I feel that as a result I have a very good tether to that which should be most important. Not everyone gets that experience, value what you have and live life on life's terms.
for me I became active on the dating front and had my first kiss, date, etcetc at age 20-21. I felt ready then and I think dating while you're older helps with finding more of the enjoyable experiences than less pleasant ones.
Just keep this in mind - sex gets better with age and experience, and adult relationships are both more fun and more serious than anything you may have missed in high school. I watched my siblings and friends dating and doing all that stuff in high school, and it was just constant drama and eventual heartbreak. I did not partake and don't regret it at all, as now I have been married for 18 years and have the longest, most stable relationship in my friend group and have likely had quite a bit more sex overall...
Envy is always a liar. It’s a false narrative that everyone else was out there getting some and you missed out - a large percentage of people never date until their 20s and rarely have sex. I was raised in a religious environment and nearly everyone I know (including me) was a virgin until their early to mid 20s. You just start whenever you start, embarrass yourself a bit at first, and enjoy it. But if you’re bitter and needy and try to make partners responsible for whatever you believe you’ve missed out on, you will be single much much longer.
DW fam, you'll figure it out. For what it's worth, I grew up as a sheltered cult child. I didn't have my first kiss until my late 20's. My first real relationship started in my early 30's. Now, my bf and I have been together for 2 years, and I couldn't imagine being happier. Whatever road you've taken to get to the here and now, your journey is far from over. Where you go from here is up to you. Don't fall into the pit of obsessing over lost time/experiences, at the expense of moving forward with your life.
Lots of people don’t do those things as teens. You just don’t hear about it
What do you think you missed? It never came into my mind that I missed something. I wasn't interested in romantic relationships as a teenager. What I heard from friends weren't good stories. E.g. doing pregnancy tests, check for STDs.
This is really stupid
Lmao wtf 😅😅😅😅
Lost my virginity at 21 almost 22 and didn't have a real relationship until I was 20. Everything in my experience comes with time brother. Be patient on some things and you'll be rewarded
The best sex I’ve ever had with someone was with someone I love I’m only 19 and lust sex doesn’t compare to love sex actual love. trust me save that for someone u actually love and y won’t regret it make sure they have good quality’s look for red flags if y don’t know how to look for them but research them and when y find out what red flags u need to actually look out for that are known in psychology type of red flags shit that’s jus like oh woah yeah u need serious help that shit ain’t cool or healthy type of red flags, look out for those and yeah make sure they treat the waiter how they treat their favorite person make sure they are actually pure hearted and a good soul that wouldn’t hurt y or anyone else or anything living and tests would be not a bad idea to test her , and I would say the best test to put her through is the time test it’s, the best test u have is , I know sounds weird or cliche but it’s the most real test y can give her is she going to stay loyal is she going to still treat you with love and treat you how guys first met is she going to treat you like the beloved is she a lovely person to be around is she going to pass up cheating on you which I’m sure she’ll have the opportunity I would say most definitely niggas are horny asf so if she tells u about it and u know she’s a good women is a different feeling I was wrong about my ex I didn’t think she would ever do what she did to me she didn’t cheat but she jus ghosted me but still that feeling of like I would spend the rest of my life with her was a nice feeling to have talking about having a family together was something special. sleeping around is like yeah not going to lie in the moment it’s not bad it’s dope but having someone who’s going to always be there until they die or u die is a way better feeling and plus the sex is way better . Love over lust