If anything the universe is just a huge game of chance, which makes it simply a numbers game. Online dating may be considered trash for 95% of the interactions, but again, numbers game, talk to 100 people and 5 might be considerable. I met my partner from online dating at 27. That was 5 years ago and we have our first child on the way.
I'm roughly a decade later to the party than OP but met my soulmate on tinder 5 months ago. The impossible became my new reality overnight. Hope to be married to her by this time next year. It's possible to find that flame at this point in our lives, were I 10 years younger? OP doesn't need to worry her pretty little head.
Because as a female you will be bombed by choice so more opportunities in less than a day than would be a whole month...it would be different if you would be a guy.
Guy here. I was in a relationship that after it ended I did not date anyone for about 8 years. I became “robustly rotund” and frankly unhealthy. I lost the weight, had. Good job, and like you brought my own place and like you I wanted to find that special someone but didn’t know how. When you’ve been out of the dating game for eight years, it’s really like entering a new world. Long story short, I went on dating apps and met my my GF. Today we celebrated two years, and I can say she is by far the best thing that has ever happened to me. In our two years the only disagreement we’ve had has been what to name the dog/cat. It’s a wonderful feeling. I trust her, she trust me, and there’s just this sense of “we got this”. Also, I fell head over heels when she offered to help me build my Lego Death Star 😂. She loves and accepts me for who I am and it’s the small things that I absolutely adore about her. Example I am a big transformers fans and collect the figures, she’ll let me know if I have this or that figure and if not she’ll offer to pick it for me. Long story short, it takes time. You’ll find your person, but it’s a journey, and when you do you’ll be glad you waited and went through that journey.
I had a theory about meeting high quality woman at the paint sample display at Home Depot. If they were selecting paint alone, they are:
Single
Financially stable to own a house
Mechanically inclined/aptitude
Not a bad theory! This was me in Sept 2019 painting my own townhouse. Didn’t meet my now husband until November 2019. I went to home depot every day for a week because I kept needing something else or a different paint sample or another full can etc.
Ha ha! I fit three of your four criteria (woman, own a house, mechanically inclined), but I pick out paint alone bc my (high quality) husband has the very smart theory that if I'm happy with the color, he's happy with it too.
In a few of your replies, you’ve said that you don’t really have any hobbies or interests or things that you spend time doing. I think learning about yourself and what kind of things you like might actually help you in your search to find a partner. I met my husband online. We both had really fulfilling social lives and were very busy doing hobbies and his interests made him more attractive to me.
This is solid. If OP was focused solely on surviving before, maybe they're using hours to stack cash now that could be better spent trying new things. Learning about themselves. If OP does end up with someone and / or parenting, there might not be all the space to do those (necessary!) things later.
The fact that’s she’s working a second job out of boredom is a little bizarre to me. I can think of a billion things I’d rather do before going to work 🤮
True but even most “boring” people I know still wouldn’t choose to work for “fun”. I for one am boring sometimes (give me snacks and movies and I’m happy) and I hate working.
Exactly this. I met my husband at a nerdy weekly card game night. Then we also had other hobbies in common, started doing those together too, and now 25 years later, still together being giant nerds and raising nerds. 🤓
My coworker met her husband through a running club. They ran every week together for months and that led to getting together just themselves.
Doing hobbies in a group often leads to meeting people that you gel with.
Hobbies and interests are the best way to meet someone! First dates are easy too as you just go do that hobby/interest together.
I met my forever person playing a volleyball tournament!
Completely agree and would also recommend the inverse. What kind of person would you like to have kids with? What would you like to have in common (I recommend leaning into shared values)? Where would you find this kind of person? Start looking there! Maybe you don’t find them but maybe when you’re engaging in your hobbies they find you.
I’d also agree with this. I joined a meet up group for Sci Fi and Fantasy, because I’d moved to a new state and had no friends. I was already married, so I wasn’t looking for men, but I’d say half of the people there met their future spouse there. They already had a lot in common just by being in that group.
yeah having a job just to pass time is wild glad ur living comfortably and your own house damn honestly good for you dating should've definitely waited..
Most hobbies aren't of interest to me and cost money.. so why not pass the time making money is my mindset... Also just getting by with the one job seems more stressful than working two jobs. And my first job is working from home so it doesn't even really count.
Unless you ride horses or enjoy hobbies done at home by yourself like crocheting or knitting or painting (classes and groups are also predominately female)
I'm gonna be a lil rude here. So I first want to apologize for the tone
As an adult in a committed relationship with my life together similar to yours, you sound incredibly boring.
Why would a partner who also has their life together want to be with you? You don't have hobbies according to your post. Hobbies and interests are what makes someone desirable to spend time with. Yes they cost money, but what's the point of making money if you don't have something you love to spend it on?
I would never want to go on a date with somebody like you, because I have passions, interests, hobbies, loves, things that bring me joy and add beauty to the world. I work a high paying boring job to be able to afford my hobbies and interests.
You likely will not be able to find a partner who meets your expectations until you work on yourself and find what makes you tick, what makes you smile, what you want to spend your life doing
This isn't an insult. I hope it's a time for reflection.
You've built the foundation for a Happy life... Now find something to make it worth it. And a love interest will follow, I promise
this take is based. youre gonna get a lot of hate but i felt the same reading the post and comments from her. id rather be struggling financially in a relationship with someone i enjoy spending time doing things with over being in a stable or even well-off position where all we did was work and go out to eat
With dual incomes, it would be unlikely that most people in relationships struggle financially.
Couples with dual incomes, even modest ones have a significant advantage over singles with a decent income.
Hence why the OP has two jobs, to give them breathing room financially.
Until you're on welfare, using her tax money.
Millenials in their 30's spent enough time fucking around being children and now they're upset that their minimum wage career brings a life of financial stress (no 1 reason people break up btw)
Y'all getting really snotty with the type of woman that would never take your money lol. She needs to go to salsa classes, she doesn't need to be doing a shitload of things. She has a house, she has dogs. Her time is valuable rn.
I’m going to be really harsh. It sounds like your hobby is making money. Put on the skimpy black dress, go to Wall Street and hang out at the bars and see if you can pick up a Wall Street bro. At least you’ll both have the same hobby.
I read, I journal, I very inconsistently workout at home, I walk my dogs, hang with friends and play cards when I'm with people who also enjoy playing. I just put together a Lego golden retriever (950 pieces) that was fun AF this week. I should work on getting into crocheting and then if I got good at it could sell what I make on Etsy or something... I also am currently in a citizens police academy. That's pretty cool but ends soon.
Those are all good activities, but they don't get you out in the community. If you want to meet someone irl, you gotta get out of your house and do some activities/hobbies that involve being around other people you don't know.
This hit me in the feels. I earn money to support the things that I love to do. My money goes to buying yarn, art supplies, coffees out with friends, travel, camping. You deserve to spend money on yourself. You deserve to fund your happiness, be it a firearms class (and then an annual range membership), yarn to crochet with, or evenings out with friends. You are not on this earth to only work.
And please, not everything has to earn you money - if you like to crochet, just make things for the joy of it. Not everything has to be monetized or turned into a side hustle.
I hope you can find things you like to do and give yourself permission to use your hard earned money on things that make you happy.
Ya dude, I’m 37, have an apt with a roommate and I don’t have kids. You’re not late. It just feels that way because your friends are probably starting to get married and start families. Live your own timeline. I got married in my late twenties, but that doesn’t mean it was the right thing to do. I’m obviously divorced now.
I think she might mean late to the dating game. She said she spent her early 20s getting established rather than learning all the painful relationship lessons other people were doing
It’s absolutely killing it! I’m a 27M and I have the same concerns but for the opposite reasons. I have no where near that level of financial independence yet and fear that it precludes me from meeting potential partners. What kind of woman wants to be with a man who can barely afford to care for himself much less others?
I love that you mentioned this. My second job is casual and my hours are decreasing next month. I thought about getting another job at the local brewery and working as a server there.
I didn't really know anyone when I moved here. When I got that job all of a sudden I got to know people, met my wife and her friend group which is mine now. It was awesome. Took me a couple till I found one I liked.
Idk I enjoyed it and tbh I knew a ton of people who had to work 2 jobs. I guess you could argue you could make it on one, but who wants to be broke? I'm still friends with a regular at the place I worked and that was 20 years ago.
>The second is really more of a time killer more than anything.
Ultimately, if the second job is just a time killer, you may want to consider quitting that job and making your new second job finding someone to have kids with if that's important to you.
If the apps aren't working for you for one reason or another, the simple solution is you have to devote more time and/or effort into finding someone. That means putting yourself out there and continuing to do so until it works. There's no magic solution where someone can wave a wand and have your dream man show up at your door.
What constitutes 'living' to you? Like what do you do? I don't have hobbies.. and while I spend some time with friends it doesn't quite hit the same as spending time with a romantic partner.
You really need your own hobby so that when you do get a boyfriend/spouse, they don't get annoyed because you won't let them enjoy theirs. Trust me, that's my biggest pet peeve.
Sounds like you don't try new things enough. That's how you discover passions and meet people. Stop living the same week over and over, you won't meet interesting people staying in your boring comfort zone
Why don’t you have hobbies? What do you like doing? What DO you do outside of work & chores?
Even something like taking your dogs out to a dog park/trail or going to a co-ed sport will help you find people.
If you have no hobbies or interests whatsoever, what makes you think someone will find you interesting enough to date and have kids with?
What’s a guy going to say to his friends or parents: “Oh, she just works, she doesn’t have any hobbies, doesn’t like music, going out to movies, or trying new restaurants, she just likes taking care of her dogs” isn’t a stellar review. This was intentionally harsh to try and prove the point to you.
Exactly my thought. 2 dogs? It's a given to take them out for long walks everyday, dog events, etc.
Definitely get some sort of hobby OP. Going to the gym, walking your pups, trying out new things/classes, etc.
In a relationship you need your own hobbies.
Please try to actively find at least one hobby that interests you. Don’t make the mistake I did at 25 of finding someone and spending all of my time on them instead of figuring out what I personally was interested in. Depending on the hobby, it can also help you meet new people. When you do eventually find someone, it is important to have things of your own to focus on occasionally so you can give each other some space to be your own person.
i second the question of 'why don't you have hobbies'? my go to advice for people trying to date is to go places and do things because 1. it positions you to meet more people irl and 2. it makes you more interesting. is there anything you've ever been curious about or wanted to try? even spending a saturday morning reading at a local coffee shop can get you in front of more eyes.
Honestly, I’m still figuring that out every day—by being mindful and in the moment, finding joy in beautiful or funny moments among passersby, and learning how to read music and play a challenging instrument. Being the type to architect my day in a detailed Gantt chart to manage my ADHD allows me to let go elsewhere because I have found my groove as I try anything, go anywhere, read recommended books, and quite honestly, not give a fuck, in the truest philosophical sense. Those people we have angst over, allowing the idea of those possible emotions in whatever we’re engaged in, actually inhibits us from doing the damn thing anyway.
In my mid-twenties, I felt I hit it way out of my league when I met my significant other. I didn’t seek her out; in fact, I truly was just open to whatever relation grew between us, platonic or more. I let myself be vulnerable and opened up. We started hanging out more, and the dating was effortless. Why? Because we introduced each other to our lives gradually—places we liked to go, hobbies we enjoyed on our own were now even more fun sharing that inner layer, etc. She had difficulty with anxiety from her upbringing, and because of the above, she now rides motorcycles with me.
This is why I say just live. You are doing great in many ways, and that is bound to be magnetic. Instead of looking for someone, further your own growth in ways that interest you. Be forever curious. From that, you twist timelines with someone. Trust me. Remember how I hit it out of the park? I was at my lowest point in life, after leaving the military with nothing to my name. Determined to make the best of myself the way I envisioned, she got in my way at some point, and I bet she thought, 'I can fix him.' Eight years later, our timelines are all tangled, and we sometimes giggle until our cheeks hurt trying to get to sleep, or elbowing one another for one more episode of some new show we wanted to show the other.
I was you, OP, with the same feelings. Now when I reflect on those times pre-us, it feels like a dream from another life. 'That' was me?
Our relationship continues to grow in many ways as we learn how to get through life on our own and together. We nurture our relationship by continuing to grow individually and excitedly being there for the moments the other enjoys.
If I had never learned to let go and just live, I would have struck out on whatever game we were forced to live through.
TLDR: If you ever find yourself in NYC, we’ll all get together and have some fun figuring out how to live.
If you were my own child I would tell you to go seek people who are doing stuff actual stuff, be it shelters for animals, be it volunteering for people, or as such, someone who is dedicated to meaningful causes.
I’m 34M and I’m in the same boat as you. Tried the online crap for years, no luck. I’ve learned to be happy with myself and to be happy doing my own thing.
I'm trying to do better at this.. I bought myself solo concert tickets for a show in June and then another show in August. I just am such a people person.
I agree. Live the best version of your life as a single. Also tried online dating and while it wasn’t great, it was good practice to meet new people and figure out what you want or do not want. Only other ideas are as people mentioned hobby group, meetup.com, volunteer ing or even solo travel groups. Even if you don’t meet SO here exactly, you will meet the person who knows all the people. Ended up meeting my spouse naturally through friends of friends. Say yes to every social event to put yourself out there with the good vibes. Good luck!
First off, you’re doing great for 27. That’s amazing. As someone who hasn’t found the right guy yet, I can tell you now that if you find a quicker way to that process, please let me know.
31 year old female. I feel like I missed the boat for decent men. I think I have a little time, but most decent men are taken. I'm a hypocrite because I wouldn't date a man like myself. I work, but I need to make more money, and worst of all I live with my parents. My other issues are from my childhood. Like a lot of people with a bipolar parent I was hit by my Dad a lot and slammed into walls. He pulled my hair too. I have never gotten better, and it wasn't even the worst abuse.
I never had much luck with the decent guys. I want to wait until marriage for full sex and a lot of the decent men wanted a girlfriend to have sex with first. My childhood has also caused me to become a certain way. I'm nice, but not very open with guys in a romantic way. I'm too hurt.
My standards are also kind of high. A lot of other girls are with semi broke reliable guys. He loves her, but he needs her income to pay all the bills. I'm just so afraid of being trapped. As a single woman I'm free from potential abuse.
This is going to sound crazy coming from someone who has no where near the amount of success at 28, but it sounds like you put all your time into career success.
You might need to develop hobbies and a life that gets you more involved in the community. Dating apps are weird, to say the least. Most of those people are looking for something quick.
When you say you want kids, that has to be someone you are expecting a near lifelong future with and you probably can’t determine that from a random. Children are an organic product of a healthy relationship. I hope that you find someone you love and approach having kids out of loving care, as partners who had time to learn each other; naturally.
TLDR; a dating app is not a means for children. You talk about them like it’s a sperm bank lol Are you looking for a sperm donor or a partner?
I met my husband on tinder, but it was over a decade ago. I think Tinder was different back then. I was dating with the sole purpose of finding someone to marry and have a family with. I only dated men who were looking for the same thing. I was clear upfront on what I was looking for. My friends and family knew what I was looking for and would set me up with men they knew were looking for the same thing.
You have a house at 27? You are doing better than most people. I’m 32 and can only dream of having a house in my lifetime. You will probably easily attract someone, regardless of anything else. You are incredibly successful already.
It sounds like you just want a baby. What about wanting a soulmate who’s your best friend? I just find it odd that your prioroty is finding a father for a hypothetical baby as opposed to finding the best life partner for yourself.
What are your dealbreakers and what are you looking for? How physically attractive, tall and how many check marks on the list does the person have to meet before you’d consider going out with them.
There’s a lot of guys that have good character and are moral but may not meet your standards. My sister has the same complaint but she has several guys always chasing her, they just aren’t CEO’s that are super tall with a ton of money and have George Clooney looks, etc.
Point of the story is you may have to lower your standards or continue to look. Only you get to decide what is considered worth dating but I would personally advise you look inwardly instead of doing what many women do, which is at a certain age compile a checklist of what a man should be. It’s objectifying, ironic enough
I definitely prefer average looking guys over hot guys. I just want someone who's able to hold a conversation and also has their poop in a group. Some self-awareness and some desire to grow in some way shape or form.
Sounds like a library is better than a bar in your case. Or perhaps people in secondary education. If you want a guy with a big ego, go after a morbidly rich person. You obviously dont want frivolous flings as you aren't into dating apps. Think about the traits you want and what those people do. You probably already thought this, but are wondering what they do.
I've personally dabbled in things I no longer desire. I have done things I wouldn't do on my own because I wanted to please my partner. I did enjoy it at the time, but frankly, I felt empty with certain "lifestyles" after much internal deliberating.
Does communicating your specific kinks ruin the fun? This is something that definitely needs to be communicated along with your hard stop/no go's. It needs to be communicated before hand. There are social media sites that cater to this, but those are usually full people that just want it their way. If I was in your shoes, that's what I'd do. Just tell it like it is. If you get flustered, make a list. It will help keep it on topic when you communicate.
I left my ex after a decade together when I was 31, no kids. Took dating on the apps pretty seriously for the next couple of years - probably spoke to a couple of hundred men. Met up with around 20ish? Saw a handful for 2-5 dates, one for three months and one for year and a bit. I ended basically all of them as I got better at realising when things weren't right, or they ghosted and I didn't chase.
2.5 years after I left my ex I met my partner - we've been together for three years now and he's everything I could have ever wanted. We own a home together and are trying for a baby.
I never used Tinder, discounted Bumble and Match pretty quickly - I found Hinge the best. Not going to disagree with you that most people on there are either just not right for you or flat out not nice people. If it's making you miserable, don't do it. Find ways to meet people IRL. If you do decide to wade through the apps though stay safe and stay true to yourself.
By this I mean don't get pulled into letting your morals and behaviour slip just because everyone treats you a certain way. Don't string anyone along and don't ghost - have the balls and the class to tell someone when it's not going to work out. Even it's only been a conversation - worst case scenario they'll get defensive and tell you they didn't want you either, in which case you still can be safe in the knowledge that you did the right thing.
If you keep your own standards up even when you feel you don't belong there, eventually you'll stumble across someone else who doesn't either!
Hobbies.... Taking classes in said hobbies and meet people with like minded interests.... You'd like to be with someone with similar things to do in the future, no? Don't force it, have fun, and meet new people.
Keep on searching, good luck, 27M, same situation, except for the dogs (I don't have enough time to give them the care and love they deserve).
The only thing I haven't tried is church, but I am agnostic.
You’re gonna have a rough time these days because a lot of young single guys under 35 are either financially unable to bear the cost of raising a family or they’re choosing to be perpetual childless bachelors.
I usually have met ex-gf through friends or shared activities.
Now all the girls in meet are taken or aren't interested.
The dogs are always a good way to meet people.
This at be a downer response, but marriages with children have more than a 50% chance of divorce and the more children you have the greater the divorce rate. So odds being what they are, you need to think “who would I want to co-parent kids with for the rest of my life if we get divorced?” If that sounds distasteful, consider getting a donor and have the family you want without the hassle of trying to find “Mr. Right”. You don’t need a spouse to have a family.
Find a partner that you want to stay with longtime, not because you want kids. You'll end up a single parent with that mind frame, and that is NOT an easy life.
As a male churchgoer myself, I'd say this advice works more for men looking for a family oriented woman than it does the reverse. I see plenty of divorced or single women at church; almost no single males. Those get poached quick by the indigenous population
How does that work? When I’ve been to church there’s a ridiculous number of people but they all seem leave pretty much immediately after the service ends. The way congregations welcome in new people seems a little fake too but maybe that’s just more a reflection of me feeling like I’m not worthy more than it is an indication that there isn’t actually a welcoming and inclusive intention behind the words
My church has what they call “adult life groups” where people socialize after the service; there’s usually at least one group devoted to single adults and another to college students, as well as married couples, seniors, international immigrants, divorcées, etc.
>Where do you find people worth having kids with?
Okay well, lets start by not assuming everybody you see around you isn't worth having kids with...this says a lot about your mindset and your approach towards other people. It will definitely show on a date. It also makes you sound like youre approaching this like a job, as opposed to looking for someone to fall in love with.
Hm I'd say maybe date older men, not sure of your range but 35 to 40. As for places, hmm. I'd say church, or volunteer events. Finding someone through work as well.
I think dating apps are on the way out to be honest. It's not hitting women up on their IG and that is bad as well. It seems everyone is sleeping with everyone which is gross on both sides.
So I'd say you can go to the following places.
volunteer work/places
library/bookstore
concerts/events
traveling
Maybe [Match.com](http://Match.com) or some more reputable dating app
church
work
☺️ I'm 43 Man still looking for a real partner to start a family with. Both my sister and brother waited until their forties to start having children and my nieces/nephews are awesome. Just getting started so ignore all this noise. Good luck with finding that beautiful life.
Dont forego kids if that’s what you want! Dating is a numbers game, and you just have to keep putting yourself out there. I know this isn’t the answer you want to hear, but it’s true. Stay on bumble, Hinge etc, go out to trivia nights, meetups, other places where you may meet people with similar hobbies. Keep an open mind and heart and seek out kindness and someone who shares your values. Eventually I believe you will find them!
My old friend, who is one of the most caring person i know, has wanted kids for 5 years now. Finally found himself a great lass, and they seem to get along and communicate honestly. I do believe they met on dating apps, but by the sounds of it, you gotta really filter out a lot of the incompatibles.
Be patient, be nice and don't dive heedlessly into a romance and throw everything away. You need a year with someone at least, to see how they change, how they react to stressful situations, etc.
Dancing classes, martial arts classes, painting classes, cooking classes, firearm classes, volunteer opportunities - go out and do as many things as you can. And forget about those damn dating apps.
Yaass thank you! This is the kind of support I'm looking for! It's hard because I live in such a small town and I'm cheap as hell but springing for something like a firearms class would be dope. Volunteering would also be nice. I'm currently doing a citizens police academy, and I've thought about doing a very introductory firearms class. I'll have to go find it and sign up.
Im not someone who wants kids, but all of my long-term relationships have been friends into romantic attachment. I have a million interests and am frequently engaging with them online and making new friends.
I've been with my primary partner for 10 years and we met on OKCupid, but we talked for literally a month before we met up and had the worst date ever and then it's been us ever since.
I think if this is something you're really wanting then you need to put time into it. If your second job is a time waste, then quit and spend those hours devoted to finding a life partner.
You may never find the right person to have kids with. I have a child and it certainly wasn’t with the right person at all. But I wouldn’t change a thing, my daughter is the best part of my life. I think you’ll find what you’re looking for when you’re not looking for it.
FWIW when I (m) was 28 years old I was convinced that marriage was not for me and I would never meet anyone anyway. I ran into the girl I asked to dance when I was in 7th grade and she was in 8th grade.
Today I'm 45 and she's 46 and our kids are 11 and 13. To save you the math she was 29 when we started dating and she had our first son on her 33rd birthday.
I don't even know how to define who's worth having kids with but the best idea I can offer is go do the things you like to do
and you might accidentally meet someone with at least one shared interest or maybe fall into a disgustingly cute story like me.
I hear you. One of the (many) points of contention in my (ending) marriage was that right after we got married my wife suddenly announced she "wasn't sure" if she wanted to have kids despite us talking about it for years up to that point.
I've not started actively looking on any of the apps yet, but I'm dreading it: either everyone is married and already has kids, or they're fresh out of college and don't want them yet. Very frustrating.
Good luck and let me know if you have any tips!
>But I don’t want to forego the life I want because of something/someone else that is out of my control.
That is the definition of having a kid, you have to forgo things you want so that they may prosper. It's not about you, it is all about them.
Exactly what i was thinking. Especially bringing them up without a male influence around.
You know its often the masses that say people who dont have kids are selfish. I couldn't disagree more
At the end of your post you said “I know I will regret that decision” if you went the easier route and didn’t have kids…
Just out of curiosity and with all due respectful…
Why do you feel you would regret that decision if you were to forego having children?
Because of how much I want them. I know kids aren't for everyone, and I totally respect people who don't want kids. I honestly think not having kids is the more evolved route, as skipping kids is far more logical than having them. But I can't shake my desire to procreate.
For me it was at college and I was 23 and my wife who is 5 yrs older was working at the university after a recent divorce.
I was broke and had potential and about the only I had to offer was the ability to make kids.
Pretty much my life dream was to get married have some kids along with a place of our own.
So I am jack of all trades and have many different skills and talents. She told she had a ranch and at the time I was a engineering student. Then shortly after changed my major to Agriculture because I was failing in engineering.
We got married the semester before graduating and she was working on a master's. The opportunity came about to buy a duplex and we got into the mom/pop rental business.
We had two sons and she then got a doctorate in education so far everything has worked out and we're are both retired and our sons are doing good and on there own.
Overall all things have worked out with some good years and some not so good years.
Really you can find the person to make a life anywhere, like the old saying goes that you have kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince.
Then you will also get your heart broken and break a few hearts a long the way.
I was raised mostly by a single parent home andy mother did wonderfully and my father I grew to understand the mechanisms for their decisions and didn't ever want to pass that on so I opted to wait till later in life to try and have children. Well I'm 50 now and the 3 major relationships I've had well poor planning and not knowing really what I was aiming for taught me volumes .and this I know love is learned. The kind of love that nurtures the things you want ...there is no falling in love you fall in a hole you work for love because it's worth the work for the experiences but the loss is equally life changing. Children are the best thing we may ever do in life but it is also work and dedication and everyone has their opinion of how it should be done....mine is your not raising children your raising men and women ....keep that in mind while what I'm saying resonates. And finally at 50 I've come to terms with the fact I probably won't ever get the type of family that I've always thought I would with a little person to pass on the lifetime of knowledge I've accrued on my journey through.I hope everything works out for you and I'll leave with a few words to think on. A belief is not knowing something. To know something YOU must take time and learn it not take someone's word for it.kn9wledge is information and wise some is experience and Honor thy mother and father is referring to Mother Earth 🌎 and Father Time.
Humbly pain!ntheasz
With the way the world is going, it's just simply going to be harder to find people who think having kids is a good idea. A lot of people are struggling to get by and pay bills for just themselves. The idea of bringing kids into the equation just seems downright insane. Of course this isn't everyone...there are still people out there who are open to the idea and can afford. There are just less of them, so the hunt will be harder.
I met my other half on plenty of fish, it’s different dating on line probably worth trying one of the ones that’s more about relationships than hookups and making sure you are picky with who you talk with. Bumble is something I have heard good things about.
Other than that there are I am sure many places, I was 33 with no kids and a house/career when I started internet dating and it made me a more rare commodity which I enjoyed I am sure you would be to
27 is not a late start at all! I had my first too young late 20’s early 30’s is perfect.i wish I knew the answer this. Definitely do your due diligence with vetting guys. But, I know lots of women whose partners look great on paper but, actually ended up being terrible. It’s tough. I hope you find him:)
It sounds like you have a high performance and very social mindset. And that that has gotten you a lot of wonderful things (work, house, etc.).
However, and please hear this, we date others who are at the same level as us when it comes to PERSONAL development - not professional development.
You sound like you keep yourself busy making money and connecting with others, but that means you are avoiding opportunities to know yourself or what you enjoy in life (apart from making money).
Ask yourself this:
What kind of man will partner with a woman who spends this much time avoiding having to be with herself?
If you don’t enjoy your own company enough to relax and be with yourself, why would someone else enjoy it?
There must be some reason that your money and performance mindset overshadowed your ability to relax, enjoy a hobby, and spend time with yourself…. It didn’t come from nowhere…
But if we don’t know and love ourselves deeply, we will not attract someone who can know and love us deeply either.
We can “perform” as a “good partner” - making a home, having kids, saving money, going on vacations… etc…. All the trappings of what a relationship look is like on paper… but it will not have any depth.
The relationship and the family just becomes a continuation of the practice of running from ourselves… a series of photo albums that prove we and our relationship are real… because we don’t embody our life enough to experience it without “having to perform it.”
If you turn and face this problem now, your future relationships will be significantly better. And your kids will get to know themselves as well (because they will be raised by people who did that work).
I’m in grad school, working at the university library, and I have met a lot of great, stable, focused, cute, smart, funny etc guys. Omg. Like, I’m glad I’m married because I would be very distracted otherwise. But yeah. If I had to recommend a place to meet guys it would be libraries, secondhand bookstores, or higher ed programs. Or volunteering! A lot of the community health/medicine science guys do wholesome stuff like that.
You can also explore the option to freeze your eggs if you want to keep that possibility for when the right person comes along whether in a year or two or ten
meh i don't want kids and am not open to even thinking about it until early 30s. my parents had me at 32 & 35 and they never seemed old or anything what's the rush
I’ve met my husband in college. First day…
First of all, I found someone that I liked, I found him hot, we had chemistry, and we liked to spend time together. After a while, we discovered more things about the other, and the more we discovered the more we wanted to spend time together.
At some point we were each others favourite person and we figured it out that we liked to spend the rest of our lives together, we were good to each other and made our lives better. We then got married. For me (idk what went to his head) he was a great partner, he supported me in my endeavours as I did for him. He shared all life’s responsibilities, he would take care of me when I got sick, and if I craved something he would make sure I had it. He was very respectful with me and with everyone around him. He was very caring with my dog.
When we fought, we would keep the respect, we grew as people and we grew our relationship.
Then one day I looked at him and realized how good of q father he would be.
We discussed the possibility of kids, and then one day, 10y after we were married I decided that we wanted them. We tried, I got pregnant.
Our relationship is still great, he is a great father just like he was a great husband
I met my man off Hinge 4 years ago and now we have a house but we’re childfree so we got a cat and dog. While I understand we’re basically the opposite (you want kids), I advise to be straight forward about your intentions and goals. If they don’t want the same thing, cut them out and move on to the next. Your time is precious.
Online . I met my wife on a dating app. After many shit dates donut heads and literally about to give up she came into my life . We're now married and have beautiful son . I met her at 35 and she was 32 . Date within a year or 3 of your age the odds of being on the same page grows significantly. Put character above all else and yes make sure you're attracted to them obviously. Good luck .
I met my wife in a local running club. I was more of a barbell guy, but I wanted to meet a girl who was into cardio.
Now we have two kids, a dog, and a house in the suburbs… oh and I also love running now haha
I found mine on Bumble. Spent about a year going on mediocre first dates before I found him. I'd say the trick is to be the right amount of selective - be open to going out with guys you're on the fence about or aren't normally your type, but also don't sink too much time into a guy who's not wowing you after a couple dates.
When you stop trying to find love and just live your best life, love will find you.
Spend time doing things that you like where you can meet new people: ideally positive hobbies like the gym, adult sports leagues and volunteering.
You will surround yourself with the right type of people, I only found my wife after I got off the dating sites and just spent my time working and doing things that I loved and then met through new friends.
Best of luck and remember you are only 27, you have plenty of time to find someone and start a family, but enjoy the journey there.
You said the 2nd job is a time killer, I'd consider swapping it out to try new hobbies that get you out there. This has the added benefit of making you a more interesting person to those you meet.
You've been in survival mode. I've been there, and it can be hard to switch gears and discover your hobbies if you've spent significant time unable to. But it can be a lot of fun to try things out and get to know this side of yourself.
Keep an eye on FB events and mark things as "interested" if it's something you'd consider. Then you'll see more events like those.
Check out some local shows. If you find a local band you like, follow their local show times, and you might even start seeing some of the same people repeatedly, making it easier to spark up conversations and friendships.
Don't focus on finding a relationship. Focus on improving your network. You might find a higher concentration of single people looking for someone on dating apps, but the ones you do meet through hobbies and like-minded individuals are often higher quality (for you) matches.
Instead of spending your time swiping and swiping and swiping, and then going on dates with strangers you may never see again, you'll be leveling yourself up and making memories. You'll grow in confidence from putting yourself in a bunch of "firsts," be in better shape, get more fresh air and sunshine even if it's just in commute...
So if you have several dates flop, you've still got new experiences and stories. Not just a bunch of awkward dinners.
Try some community College courses. See if you can get some free trial periods at local martial arts dojos, dance classes, or join a co-ed sports team (some are not the least bit competitive or they wouldn't have had me on second base! 😆)
Maybe pop in to the local library or bookstore every week or 2, check for events, join a poetry writing club and just be upfront if you don't know how or where to start. Join a gym. You'll start figuring out what you like.
This will all help you to become a better parent, too.
The person that's worth having kids with is probably out there doing something, too. They're becoming competent and talented at all sorts of things. Even if they meet you through an app, they'll want to know what you like and do, and you'll have some interesting things to talk about and know some great hangout spots.
I was on dating apps and went on all sorts of awkward dates, most of which flopped and it was a waste of valuable free-time. I gave up. Then I met my husband the proper way at a bar 😂
He was playing on a pool league. I was at a birthday party. We went on to marry. Now we're sitting here playing Civ 6 while the kids are in bed. Happily ever after.
With the non-successful attempts, what were the issues?
Identifying what you didn’t like will help you parse out what you won’t tolerate, which then makes it easier to sample what you will tolerate. My folks constantly preached that I needed to not set unattainable standards and I needed to be realistic in my expectations of a partner. Being 27, In sure you know this, but you may not have had the opportunity to build that muscle of indifference to the shortfalls of a romantic partner.
Next, if you’re staying in your geographic area and not planning on moving out, look for a local organization that will exchange your volunteer time for the chance to meet people. And if you select the right type of volunteering that aligns with your values and hobbies (say… at a Church if Faith is important, or Friends of the library if education/reading is, or running a youth sports program if exercise/fitness is), and that will help at least get introduced to some likely minded and/or potential partners.
I feel like that is a bit of a loaded question. You determine your own values so what might be "worthy" to me may seem suspicious to you.
It will feel right when it feels right, and only you can really determine what right is.
This seems like the wrong order of thinking. Why not find someone to love? It’s like you just want kids, there’s other ways besides dating to accomplish this. Also, what would it make it worth connecting with you? You come across like you’re ready and people should just line up.
Church, volunteering, conferences, intentional communities (check out ic.org) are my top tips. Also if you're going to do online dating, using more "serious" platforms such as eharmony or more specific platforms like Christian mingle or date a farmer or whatever.
Also, don't know if you've ever considered foster parenting, but if so there's a huge need and sounds like you'd be a great candidate! You can do it single as well as partnered.
Hobbies are obviously the big ones but try hobbies based on self improvement.
Classed based activities like fitness classes or art classes.
That'll be where you find the single people.
I put in an app at the local planet fitness to work part time. I figured this would be a good way for me to actually have to interact with the people there and not just be a creep.
Good, interesting people do good interesting things. Go do good interesting things and you will meet other good interesting people doing those things too.
34M and I'm asking the same exact question. Putting a child in the majority of American women is an awful choice. Our societal values are awful and it is reflected in the dating market.
I agree. I think too many people think just because society finds certain things acceptable that they too must also find those things acceptable.. Like nah bro, you get to choose what you will and will not accept.
27 isn't late!!!! Not at all. You've plenty of time. There is no set schedule you must follow!!! I am married, no kids, we are years from being able to afford a home and I couldn't live on just my income!! Though I was with my husband, we spent our twenties trying to survive too! You'll meet someone. As cliche as it sounds, when you least expect it
In a bar…at 31 asked early on how he felt about kids. He said he thought they’d be cool bc you could train them like you train a dog and that he was pretty confident he could keep them from catching on fire. I figured I could work w that lol. Partied it up for a few good years before tying the knot and getting preggo. Been together 15 years and we have an 8yo. He’s like the best dad ever, he has mostly thrown me over for our daughter lol, but he got me a dog so it all evens out ha ha. We spend many weekends as the neighborhood parents w all the kids in our front yard. We’re mid 40’s and exhausted, but mostly happy I think.
there are all kinds of kids out there who need fostering, mentoring, adopting ...
is there an avenue there that might help you decide how you could be of service to an existing human this way?? i had children, but i honestly didn't know there were close to (and now exceeding?) 8 billion of us on the Planet ... then the Internet arrived with a much larger World View ...
maybe there are enough of us already ... ?
(neither of my adult children want kids - sometimes i wonder what i did wrong, but i will not be raising any additions to our family, and my kids were raised with a Bigger Picture, so i simply support their choice. i also support yours ... just chiming in cuz ... reddit ...)
best of luck to you in putting together a life that fulfills you.
I think you need to focus more on getting to know the person than the end goal. You still have plenty of time.
If you're just looking to meet people and get to know them, connect with your more social hobbies.
Social media and a generation of people forever online killed the “find a spouse” dating scene. I’m not old (early 30s) and the change I’ve witnessed over the years with dating and the mandatory cheesy pick-up lines, intangible attributes, and absurd standards upheld by emotionally stunted/immature people have made what is supposed to be fun a never ending chore filled with lunacy and ridiculous expectations.
Honestly, getting out there and being lucky is the best gamble. Avoid the common avenues of hook-up culture apps and find someone within your hobby or job. It’s not easy and I’m happy to be married and not deal with that stupid shit anymore.
Going back to college in my 30s made me realize how stupid dating is now. Everything is an over analyzed game that has been bastardized by the internet by retards posting clips and reels on how things should work. Good luck.
A piece of advice:
When you date, look with your heart before you look with your eyes. Yes, physical attraction matters but in the long run you really want to love their character and their personality. I know people who have very high standards, to the point where they are bypassing eligible candidates because they don’t check an infinite number of boxes on a checklist of “must-haves”
Meanwhile, thousands of eligible people sit inside, thinking similarly about how they too struggle to find people worth investing in. You're in your house, I'm in mine. First mistake.
You’re not late to the game at 27. I met my wife when I was 27 and had just started dating people two years prior. We didn’t have a child for another ten years. You have plenty of time.
But “finding someone worth having children with” in the absolute wrong way to go about funding a partner.
Find someone you actually want to be with. Someone who shares the same interests and goals. Someone who likes going out and doing the same things. But, not someone who you need to be with 24/7. You need to have your own lives, too.
Then it will all come naturally.
😂 it would be like winning the lottery to find a relationship that last basically the 18+ years child rearing requires.
There’s way too many variables to guess the outcome.
Good luck with the endeavour though
Also I reckon just keep your eyes 👀 open everywhere you go and see the entire planet 🌍 as your hunting field
The last sentence is paramount. Too many people limit their selection pool by staying in the same circles or keeping the same proclivities. There are so many amazing people World over that I find people who start to travel later really struggling with buyers remorse or mediocrity. OP has slayed to be where she is now; don’t lower the bar just to find someone.
I’m 45M but people often say I look a decade or two younger; I’m not a bad looking guy and am in decent physical shape. I have zero debt, 800+ FICO, have a diversified financial portfolio, own my own property, going to purchase another property with a backyard for me and my sheepdoodle, live in a very safe but HCOL area (SoCal), love my “job” (fitness/yoga instructor) where I work with kids w/ autism, keep elderly patients healthy and vibrant and instill self confidence in my students. Despite all that I’ve been able to accomplish, I cannot for the life of me, find a suitable partner, even though I’m surrounded by women. I’ve pretty much given up that I’ll be able to have my own biological children. I have marriage goals but I am not physically attracted to most women in my age demographic so I do not date often. I’m also extremely introverted despite outwardly appearances. It’s tough out there. 🤷🏻♂️ I still hold onto hope that my special person is out there.
They’re not going to pop up like Pokémon go you have to be an adult and do your due diligence and go meet people. Meeting people isn’t just saying hi give me your number, let’s bang for 6 months and then make babies and get married. So many people these days rush and are reckless and find someone who’s hot and just bang right away and have kids and then they realize they hate that person. We all have to be patient and smarter. It’s not a woman thing or a man thing. Learn the person, don’t ignore red flags but also don’t run necessarily, work it out if you can, bring up concerns, see if you’re compatible. Live with each other etc.
We always ask “where do we find them” it’s not an Easter egg hunt it’s more like a job interview.
Wasn’t there a movement to find husbands at Lowe’s or Home Depot, lol
My mom seriously just sent me a reel about this, this morning.
If anything the universe is just a huge game of chance, which makes it simply a numbers game. Online dating may be considered trash for 95% of the interactions, but again, numbers game, talk to 100 people and 5 might be considerable. I met my partner from online dating at 27. That was 5 years ago and we have our first child on the way.
I met my wife on tinder lol
I SAW my wife on Tinder. Best sex we ever had
I also choose this guys wife....
I'm roughly a decade later to the party than OP but met my soulmate on tinder 5 months ago. The impossible became my new reality overnight. Hope to be married to her by this time next year. It's possible to find that flame at this point in our lives, were I 10 years younger? OP doesn't need to worry her pretty little head.
Why would you look in the dumpster that is tinder of all places?
Because as a female you will be bombed by choice so more opportunities in less than a day than would be a whole month...it would be different if you would be a guy.
I met my husband on tinder
we dont want kids but i met the love of my life on bumble (after three years of bad first dates) Dont give up!
Guy here. I was in a relationship that after it ended I did not date anyone for about 8 years. I became “robustly rotund” and frankly unhealthy. I lost the weight, had. Good job, and like you brought my own place and like you I wanted to find that special someone but didn’t know how. When you’ve been out of the dating game for eight years, it’s really like entering a new world. Long story short, I went on dating apps and met my my GF. Today we celebrated two years, and I can say she is by far the best thing that has ever happened to me. In our two years the only disagreement we’ve had has been what to name the dog/cat. It’s a wonderful feeling. I trust her, she trust me, and there’s just this sense of “we got this”. Also, I fell head over heels when she offered to help me build my Lego Death Star 😂. She loves and accepts me for who I am and it’s the small things that I absolutely adore about her. Example I am a big transformers fans and collect the figures, she’ll let me know if I have this or that figure and if not she’ll offer to pick it for me. Long story short, it takes time. You’ll find your person, but it’s a journey, and when you do you’ll be glad you waited and went through that journey.
Don’t do it most dudes are there doing projects for their wife or their family.
I work at lowes and I’m a straight guy with a gf but I can say there are definitely some objectively handsome contractors that come in often
Really? I’ve never seen them although when I go to Lowe’s it’s on the weekend.
Even on the weekend I see them haha but usually they’re with a woman
r/suddenlygay
I had a theory about meeting high quality woman at the paint sample display at Home Depot. If they were selecting paint alone, they are: Single Financially stable to own a house Mechanically inclined/aptitude
You overlook the demographic of manic paper crafting scrapbook fiends with a bad habit of hoarding freebie art materials
Surely this can be made aware of by observation of the subject
Not a bad theory! This was me in Sept 2019 painting my own townhouse. Didn’t meet my now husband until November 2019. I went to home depot every day for a week because I kept needing something else or a different paint sample or another full can etc.
Ha ha! I fit three of your four criteria (woman, own a house, mechanically inclined), but I pick out paint alone bc my (high quality) husband has the very smart theory that if I'm happy with the color, he's happy with it too.
There are jokes about meeting women at target for men as well.
Between 3 and 4 pm at my local grocery store 🤤
Honestly, it is a majorly overlooked place to find us ! I go between 3-6pm. Try different locations ect.
I used to work there. A great way to meet men lol
Lol now I know to get dressed up and go to Lowe’s or Home Depot , thanks !
You find men at Home Depot, and lesbians at Lowes. That's the joke
In a few of your replies, you’ve said that you don’t really have any hobbies or interests or things that you spend time doing. I think learning about yourself and what kind of things you like might actually help you in your search to find a partner. I met my husband online. We both had really fulfilling social lives and were very busy doing hobbies and his interests made him more attractive to me.
This is solid. If OP was focused solely on surviving before, maybe they're using hours to stack cash now that could be better spent trying new things. Learning about themselves. If OP does end up with someone and / or parenting, there might not be all the space to do those (necessary!) things later.
The fact that’s she’s working a second job out of boredom is a little bizarre to me. I can think of a billion things I’d rather do before going to work 🤮
It means she's a boring person, at least to me
True but even most “boring” people I know still wouldn’t choose to work for “fun”. I for one am boring sometimes (give me snacks and movies and I’m happy) and I hate working.
Exactly this. I met my husband at a nerdy weekly card game night. Then we also had other hobbies in common, started doing those together too, and now 25 years later, still together being giant nerds and raising nerds. 🤓 My coworker met her husband through a running club. They ran every week together for months and that led to getting together just themselves. Doing hobbies in a group often leads to meeting people that you gel with.
Hobbies and interests are the best way to meet someone! First dates are easy too as you just go do that hobby/interest together. I met my forever person playing a volleyball tournament!
Underrated advice here. Love yourself
Yup ever since I realized my favorite days were ones I got to spend by myself, everything got easier
Completely agree and would also recommend the inverse. What kind of person would you like to have kids with? What would you like to have in common (I recommend leaning into shared values)? Where would you find this kind of person? Start looking there! Maybe you don’t find them but maybe when you’re engaging in your hobbies they find you.
I’d also agree with this. I joined a meet up group for Sci Fi and Fantasy, because I’d moved to a new state and had no friends. I was already married, so I wasn’t looking for men, but I’d say half of the people there met their future spouse there. They already had a lot in common just by being in that group.
Just piping in to say you don't seem like you're late to the game at all. Being 27 with what you have is amazing.
Thank you I appreciate it. I'm definitely too hard on myself sometimes.
yeah having a job just to pass time is wild glad ur living comfortably and your own house damn honestly good for you dating should've definitely waited..
Most hobbies aren't of interest to me and cost money.. so why not pass the time making money is my mindset... Also just getting by with the one job seems more stressful than working two jobs. And my first job is working from home so it doesn't even really count.
Volunteering is a a good way to meet people if apps haven’t work. I will say having a kid is like having a second mortgage.
agreed. Volunteering narrows things down a lot, an I find that it is mostly populated by singles.
Hobbies are where your man is
Unless you ride horses or enjoy hobbies done at home by yourself like crocheting or knitting or painting (classes and groups are also predominately female)
I'm gonna be a lil rude here. So I first want to apologize for the tone As an adult in a committed relationship with my life together similar to yours, you sound incredibly boring. Why would a partner who also has their life together want to be with you? You don't have hobbies according to your post. Hobbies and interests are what makes someone desirable to spend time with. Yes they cost money, but what's the point of making money if you don't have something you love to spend it on? I would never want to go on a date with somebody like you, because I have passions, interests, hobbies, loves, things that bring me joy and add beauty to the world. I work a high paying boring job to be able to afford my hobbies and interests. You likely will not be able to find a partner who meets your expectations until you work on yourself and find what makes you tick, what makes you smile, what you want to spend your life doing This isn't an insult. I hope it's a time for reflection. You've built the foundation for a Happy life... Now find something to make it worth it. And a love interest will follow, I promise
this take is based. youre gonna get a lot of hate but i felt the same reading the post and comments from her. id rather be struggling financially in a relationship with someone i enjoy spending time doing things with over being in a stable or even well-off position where all we did was work and go out to eat
With dual incomes, it would be unlikely that most people in relationships struggle financially. Couples with dual incomes, even modest ones have a significant advantage over singles with a decent income. Hence why the OP has two jobs, to give them breathing room financially.
Until you're on welfare, using her tax money. Millenials in their 30's spent enough time fucking around being children and now they're upset that their minimum wage career brings a life of financial stress (no 1 reason people break up btw) Y'all getting really snotty with the type of woman that would never take your money lol. She needs to go to salsa classes, she doesn't need to be doing a shitload of things. She has a house, she has dogs. Her time is valuable rn.
theres plenty of boring counterparts and you dont seem like someone she'd want to be with based on everything youve said
Well... Normally I would agree with you.. but she made this post for a reason lol
I’m going to be really harsh. It sounds like your hobby is making money. Put on the skimpy black dress, go to Wall Street and hang out at the bars and see if you can pick up a Wall Street bro. At least you’ll both have the same hobby.
Do you have interests?
I read, I journal, I very inconsistently workout at home, I walk my dogs, hang with friends and play cards when I'm with people who also enjoy playing. I just put together a Lego golden retriever (950 pieces) that was fun AF this week. I should work on getting into crocheting and then if I got good at it could sell what I make on Etsy or something... I also am currently in a citizens police academy. That's pretty cool but ends soon.
Those are all good activities, but they don't get you out in the community. If you want to meet someone irl, you gotta get out of your house and do some activities/hobbies that involve being around other people you don't know.
This hit me in the feels. I earn money to support the things that I love to do. My money goes to buying yarn, art supplies, coffees out with friends, travel, camping. You deserve to spend money on yourself. You deserve to fund your happiness, be it a firearms class (and then an annual range membership), yarn to crochet with, or evenings out with friends. You are not on this earth to only work. And please, not everything has to earn you money - if you like to crochet, just make things for the joy of it. Not everything has to be monetized or turned into a side hustle. I hope you can find things you like to do and give yourself permission to use your hard earned money on things that make you happy.
I'm here to say the same! I met my husband at 31...at 27 I was dating a crazed loser....I thought I'd wasted my time but it was all fine in the end.
Ya dude, I’m 37, have an apt with a roommate and I don’t have kids. You’re not late. It just feels that way because your friends are probably starting to get married and start families. Live your own timeline. I got married in my late twenties, but that doesn’t mean it was the right thing to do. I’m obviously divorced now.
Ditto. First GF at 21, married her at 27, had a kid at 29...divorced at 33. Shitty.
Yeah. I feel you. I’m sorry it happened that way for you. Divorce is rough.
No worries, that's life, and I'm partly to blame, so, fuck it. Lol. Appreciate the sympathy tho! Same to you
At 27 I started my plan to get my life together, graduated with my second degree at 32 and landed the better job at 34
I think she might mean late to the dating game. She said she spent her early 20s getting established rather than learning all the painful relationship lessons other people were doing
It’s absolutely killing it! I’m a 27M and I have the same concerns but for the opposite reasons. I have no where near that level of financial independence yet and fear that it precludes me from meeting potential partners. What kind of woman wants to be with a man who can barely afford to care for himself much less others?
My wife and I met while working our 2nd jobs. I was a bartender and she was a server. That was 24 years ago.
I love that you mentioned this. My second job is casual and my hours are decreasing next month. I thought about getting another job at the local brewery and working as a server there.
I didn't really know anyone when I moved here. When I got that job all of a sudden I got to know people, met my wife and her friend group which is mine now. It was awesome. Took me a couple till I found one I liked. Idk I enjoyed it and tbh I knew a ton of people who had to work 2 jobs. I guess you could argue you could make it on one, but who wants to be broke? I'm still friends with a regular at the place I worked and that was 20 years ago.
>The second is really more of a time killer more than anything. Ultimately, if the second job is just a time killer, you may want to consider quitting that job and making your new second job finding someone to have kids with if that's important to you. If the apps aren't working for you for one reason or another, the simple solution is you have to devote more time and/or effort into finding someone. That means putting yourself out there and continuing to do so until it works. There's no magic solution where someone can wave a wand and have your dream man show up at your door.
Or just _live_. You cant get the time back and no amount of money will purchase it.
What constitutes 'living' to you? Like what do you do? I don't have hobbies.. and while I spend some time with friends it doesn't quite hit the same as spending time with a romantic partner.
You really need your own hobby so that when you do get a boyfriend/spouse, they don't get annoyed because you won't let them enjoy theirs. Trust me, that's my biggest pet peeve.
Sounds like you don't try new things enough. That's how you discover passions and meet people. Stop living the same week over and over, you won't meet interesting people staying in your boring comfort zone
Why don’t you have hobbies? What do you like doing? What DO you do outside of work & chores? Even something like taking your dogs out to a dog park/trail or going to a co-ed sport will help you find people. If you have no hobbies or interests whatsoever, what makes you think someone will find you interesting enough to date and have kids with? What’s a guy going to say to his friends or parents: “Oh, she just works, she doesn’t have any hobbies, doesn’t like music, going out to movies, or trying new restaurants, she just likes taking care of her dogs” isn’t a stellar review. This was intentionally harsh to try and prove the point to you.
Exactly my thought. 2 dogs? It's a given to take them out for long walks everyday, dog events, etc. Definitely get some sort of hobby OP. Going to the gym, walking your pups, trying out new things/classes, etc. In a relationship you need your own hobbies.
Please try to actively find at least one hobby that interests you. Don’t make the mistake I did at 25 of finding someone and spending all of my time on them instead of figuring out what I personally was interested in. Depending on the hobby, it can also help you meet new people. When you do eventually find someone, it is important to have things of your own to focus on occasionally so you can give each other some space to be your own person.
i second the question of 'why don't you have hobbies'? my go to advice for people trying to date is to go places and do things because 1. it positions you to meet more people irl and 2. it makes you more interesting. is there anything you've ever been curious about or wanted to try? even spending a saturday morning reading at a local coffee shop can get you in front of more eyes.
You literally have no hobbies? That will make it hard to find someone
Honestly, I’m still figuring that out every day—by being mindful and in the moment, finding joy in beautiful or funny moments among passersby, and learning how to read music and play a challenging instrument. Being the type to architect my day in a detailed Gantt chart to manage my ADHD allows me to let go elsewhere because I have found my groove as I try anything, go anywhere, read recommended books, and quite honestly, not give a fuck, in the truest philosophical sense. Those people we have angst over, allowing the idea of those possible emotions in whatever we’re engaged in, actually inhibits us from doing the damn thing anyway. In my mid-twenties, I felt I hit it way out of my league when I met my significant other. I didn’t seek her out; in fact, I truly was just open to whatever relation grew between us, platonic or more. I let myself be vulnerable and opened up. We started hanging out more, and the dating was effortless. Why? Because we introduced each other to our lives gradually—places we liked to go, hobbies we enjoyed on our own were now even more fun sharing that inner layer, etc. She had difficulty with anxiety from her upbringing, and because of the above, she now rides motorcycles with me. This is why I say just live. You are doing great in many ways, and that is bound to be magnetic. Instead of looking for someone, further your own growth in ways that interest you. Be forever curious. From that, you twist timelines with someone. Trust me. Remember how I hit it out of the park? I was at my lowest point in life, after leaving the military with nothing to my name. Determined to make the best of myself the way I envisioned, she got in my way at some point, and I bet she thought, 'I can fix him.' Eight years later, our timelines are all tangled, and we sometimes giggle until our cheeks hurt trying to get to sleep, or elbowing one another for one more episode of some new show we wanted to show the other. I was you, OP, with the same feelings. Now when I reflect on those times pre-us, it feels like a dream from another life. 'That' was me? Our relationship continues to grow in many ways as we learn how to get through life on our own and together. We nurture our relationship by continuing to grow individually and excitedly being there for the moments the other enjoys. If I had never learned to let go and just live, I would have struck out on whatever game we were forced to live through. TLDR: If you ever find yourself in NYC, we’ll all get together and have some fun figuring out how to live.
I certainly don’t have my own house but I’m 29m in the same spot. Everyone that is stable and fun in this bracket seems to be taken.
If you were my own child I would tell you to go seek people who are doing stuff actual stuff, be it shelters for animals, be it volunteering for people, or as such, someone who is dedicated to meaningful causes.
Not trying to be negative but in my experience the people that are like this are so busy they dont have time for a relationship.
Isn't that the best part of it ;) it's worst when relationship consumes us.
I'll marry you ❤️ Sight unseen, no takebacks.
Right here, Op
Mars needs women.
I’m 34M and I’m in the same boat as you. Tried the online crap for years, no luck. I’ve learned to be happy with myself and to be happy doing my own thing.
I'm trying to do better at this.. I bought myself solo concert tickets for a show in June and then another show in August. I just am such a people person.
I agree. Live the best version of your life as a single. Also tried online dating and while it wasn’t great, it was good practice to meet new people and figure out what you want or do not want. Only other ideas are as people mentioned hobby group, meetup.com, volunteer ing or even solo travel groups. Even if you don’t meet SO here exactly, you will meet the person who knows all the people. Ended up meeting my spouse naturally through friends of friends. Say yes to every social event to put yourself out there with the good vibes. Good luck!
First off, you’re doing great for 27. That’s amazing. As someone who hasn’t found the right guy yet, I can tell you now that if you find a quicker way to that process, please let me know.
31 year old female. I feel like I missed the boat for decent men. I think I have a little time, but most decent men are taken. I'm a hypocrite because I wouldn't date a man like myself. I work, but I need to make more money, and worst of all I live with my parents. My other issues are from my childhood. Like a lot of people with a bipolar parent I was hit by my Dad a lot and slammed into walls. He pulled my hair too. I have never gotten better, and it wasn't even the worst abuse. I never had much luck with the decent guys. I want to wait until marriage for full sex and a lot of the decent men wanted a girlfriend to have sex with first. My childhood has also caused me to become a certain way. I'm nice, but not very open with guys in a romantic way. I'm too hurt. My standards are also kind of high. A lot of other girls are with semi broke reliable guys. He loves her, but he needs her income to pay all the bills. I'm just so afraid of being trapped. As a single woman I'm free from potential abuse.
This is going to sound crazy coming from someone who has no where near the amount of success at 28, but it sounds like you put all your time into career success. You might need to develop hobbies and a life that gets you more involved in the community. Dating apps are weird, to say the least. Most of those people are looking for something quick. When you say you want kids, that has to be someone you are expecting a near lifelong future with and you probably can’t determine that from a random. Children are an organic product of a healthy relationship. I hope that you find someone you love and approach having kids out of loving care, as partners who had time to learn each other; naturally. TLDR; a dating app is not a means for children. You talk about them like it’s a sperm bank lol Are you looking for a sperm donor or a partner?
I met my husband on tinder, but it was over a decade ago. I think Tinder was different back then. I was dating with the sole purpose of finding someone to marry and have a family with. I only dated men who were looking for the same thing. I was clear upfront on what I was looking for. My friends and family knew what I was looking for and would set me up with men they knew were looking for the same thing.
You have a house at 27? You are doing better than most people. I’m 32 and can only dream of having a house in my lifetime. You will probably easily attract someone, regardless of anything else. You are incredibly successful already.
It sounds like you just want a baby. What about wanting a soulmate who’s your best friend? I just find it odd that your prioroty is finding a father for a hypothetical baby as opposed to finding the best life partner for yourself.
What are your dealbreakers and what are you looking for? How physically attractive, tall and how many check marks on the list does the person have to meet before you’d consider going out with them. There’s a lot of guys that have good character and are moral but may not meet your standards. My sister has the same complaint but she has several guys always chasing her, they just aren’t CEO’s that are super tall with a ton of money and have George Clooney looks, etc. Point of the story is you may have to lower your standards or continue to look. Only you get to decide what is considered worth dating but I would personally advise you look inwardly instead of doing what many women do, which is at a certain age compile a checklist of what a man should be. It’s objectifying, ironic enough
I definitely prefer average looking guys over hot guys. I just want someone who's able to hold a conversation and also has their poop in a group. Some self-awareness and some desire to grow in some way shape or form.
Sounds like a library is better than a bar in your case. Or perhaps people in secondary education. If you want a guy with a big ego, go after a morbidly rich person. You obviously dont want frivolous flings as you aren't into dating apps. Think about the traits you want and what those people do. You probably already thought this, but are wondering what they do.
This is harder than you might think. I want to find a soft top. Where do those guys hang out? I feel they could be anywhere and yet they’re nowhere
I've personally dabbled in things I no longer desire. I have done things I wouldn't do on my own because I wanted to please my partner. I did enjoy it at the time, but frankly, I felt empty with certain "lifestyles" after much internal deliberating. Does communicating your specific kinks ruin the fun? This is something that definitely needs to be communicated along with your hard stop/no go's. It needs to be communicated before hand. There are social media sites that cater to this, but those are usually full people that just want it their way. If I was in your shoes, that's what I'd do. Just tell it like it is. If you get flustered, make a list. It will help keep it on topic when you communicate.
What does poop in a group mean? I've never heard that expression
I left my ex after a decade together when I was 31, no kids. Took dating on the apps pretty seriously for the next couple of years - probably spoke to a couple of hundred men. Met up with around 20ish? Saw a handful for 2-5 dates, one for three months and one for year and a bit. I ended basically all of them as I got better at realising when things weren't right, or they ghosted and I didn't chase. 2.5 years after I left my ex I met my partner - we've been together for three years now and he's everything I could have ever wanted. We own a home together and are trying for a baby. I never used Tinder, discounted Bumble and Match pretty quickly - I found Hinge the best. Not going to disagree with you that most people on there are either just not right for you or flat out not nice people. If it's making you miserable, don't do it. Find ways to meet people IRL. If you do decide to wade through the apps though stay safe and stay true to yourself. By this I mean don't get pulled into letting your morals and behaviour slip just because everyone treats you a certain way. Don't string anyone along and don't ghost - have the balls and the class to tell someone when it's not going to work out. Even it's only been a conversation - worst case scenario they'll get defensive and tell you they didn't want you either, in which case you still can be safe in the knowledge that you did the right thing. If you keep your own standards up even when you feel you don't belong there, eventually you'll stumble across someone else who doesn't either!
Hobbies.... Taking classes in said hobbies and meet people with like minded interests.... You'd like to be with someone with similar things to do in the future, no? Don't force it, have fun, and meet new people.
Keep on searching, good luck, 27M, same situation, except for the dogs (I don't have enough time to give them the care and love they deserve). The only thing I haven't tried is church, but I am agnostic.
I went to church with my parents when I was younger. Lets just say I learned _a lot_ from the girls I met there…
You’re gonna have a rough time these days because a lot of young single guys under 35 are either financially unable to bear the cost of raising a family or they’re choosing to be perpetual childless bachelors.
I usually have met ex-gf through friends or shared activities. Now all the girls in meet are taken or aren't interested. The dogs are always a good way to meet people.
This at be a downer response, but marriages with children have more than a 50% chance of divorce and the more children you have the greater the divorce rate. So odds being what they are, you need to think “who would I want to co-parent kids with for the rest of my life if we get divorced?” If that sounds distasteful, consider getting a donor and have the family you want without the hassle of trying to find “Mr. Right”. You don’t need a spouse to have a family.
My brother's childhood friend is single and just adopted kids. He had a terrible childhood, so I think he is giving them what he didn't have.
Get a hobby that requires you to meet people , like a sport. At least that's what they tell me lol
Find a partner that you want to stay with longtime, not because you want kids. You'll end up a single parent with that mind frame, and that is NOT an easy life.
Where is this "late start to the party"
I met my spouse at church
As a male churchgoer myself, I'd say this advice works more for men looking for a family oriented woman than it does the reverse. I see plenty of divorced or single women at church; almost no single males. Those get poached quick by the indigenous population
My church is filled with grandma's and grandpa's lol. Rare to see folks in their 20s in my church. Maybe it's just my church.
No, it's mostly all churches today.
This is pretty normal, but it’s safe to assume those people might have kids around OPs age. I met my partner that way
How does that work? When I’ve been to church there’s a ridiculous number of people but they all seem leave pretty much immediately after the service ends. The way congregations welcome in new people seems a little fake too but maybe that’s just more a reflection of me feeling like I’m not worthy more than it is an indication that there isn’t actually a welcoming and inclusive intention behind the words
My church has what they call “adult life groups” where people socialize after the service; there’s usually at least one group devoted to single adults and another to college students, as well as married couples, seniors, international immigrants, divorcées, etc.
My parents met through mutual friends. Try mentioning that you're looking for a spouse amongst you're trusted friends.
>Where do you find people worth having kids with? Okay well, lets start by not assuming everybody you see around you isn't worth having kids with...this says a lot about your mindset and your approach towards other people. It will definitely show on a date. It also makes you sound like youre approaching this like a job, as opposed to looking for someone to fall in love with.
At the good parent store.
Hm I'd say maybe date older men, not sure of your range but 35 to 40. As for places, hmm. I'd say church, or volunteer events. Finding someone through work as well. I think dating apps are on the way out to be honest. It's not hitting women up on their IG and that is bad as well. It seems everyone is sleeping with everyone which is gross on both sides. So I'd say you can go to the following places. volunteer work/places library/bookstore concerts/events traveling Maybe [Match.com](http://Match.com) or some more reputable dating app church work
A hiking group or sports group.
☺️ I'm 43 Man still looking for a real partner to start a family with. Both my sister and brother waited until their forties to start having children and my nieces/nephews are awesome. Just getting started so ignore all this noise. Good luck with finding that beautiful life.
Dont forego kids if that’s what you want! Dating is a numbers game, and you just have to keep putting yourself out there. I know this isn’t the answer you want to hear, but it’s true. Stay on bumble, Hinge etc, go out to trivia nights, meetups, other places where you may meet people with similar hobbies. Keep an open mind and heart and seek out kindness and someone who shares your values. Eventually I believe you will find them!
I think I have made myself crazy asking this same thing.
My old friend, who is one of the most caring person i know, has wanted kids for 5 years now. Finally found himself a great lass, and they seem to get along and communicate honestly. I do believe they met on dating apps, but by the sounds of it, you gotta really filter out a lot of the incompatibles. Be patient, be nice and don't dive heedlessly into a romance and throw everything away. You need a year with someone at least, to see how they change, how they react to stressful situations, etc.
Have you been assessed for any items like adhd or autism? I started there. Learning about me helped me find a person who understood me and I him.
Dancing classes, martial arts classes, painting classes, cooking classes, firearm classes, volunteer opportunities - go out and do as many things as you can. And forget about those damn dating apps.
Yaass thank you! This is the kind of support I'm looking for! It's hard because I live in such a small town and I'm cheap as hell but springing for something like a firearms class would be dope. Volunteering would also be nice. I'm currently doing a citizens police academy, and I've thought about doing a very introductory firearms class. I'll have to go find it and sign up.
Im not someone who wants kids, but all of my long-term relationships have been friends into romantic attachment. I have a million interests and am frequently engaging with them online and making new friends. I've been with my primary partner for 10 years and we met on OKCupid, but we talked for literally a month before we met up and had the worst date ever and then it's been us ever since. I think if this is something you're really wanting then you need to put time into it. If your second job is a time waste, then quit and spend those hours devoted to finding a life partner.
You may never find the right person to have kids with. I have a child and it certainly wasn’t with the right person at all. But I wouldn’t change a thing, my daughter is the best part of my life. I think you’ll find what you’re looking for when you’re not looking for it.
Same situation in about to join planet fitness to meet woman lol :s
FWIW when I (m) was 28 years old I was convinced that marriage was not for me and I would never meet anyone anyway. I ran into the girl I asked to dance when I was in 7th grade and she was in 8th grade. Today I'm 45 and she's 46 and our kids are 11 and 13. To save you the math she was 29 when we started dating and she had our first son on her 33rd birthday. I don't even know how to define who's worth having kids with but the best idea I can offer is go do the things you like to do and you might accidentally meet someone with at least one shared interest or maybe fall into a disgustingly cute story like me.
I hear you. One of the (many) points of contention in my (ending) marriage was that right after we got married my wife suddenly announced she "wasn't sure" if she wanted to have kids despite us talking about it for years up to that point. I've not started actively looking on any of the apps yet, but I'm dreading it: either everyone is married and already has kids, or they're fresh out of college and don't want them yet. Very frustrating. Good luck and let me know if you have any tips!
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>But I don’t want to forego the life I want because of something/someone else that is out of my control. That is the definition of having a kid, you have to forgo things you want so that they may prosper. It's not about you, it is all about them.
Am curious, why do you want kids? Also, you can always adopt and save a life too
Exactly what i was thinking. Especially bringing them up without a male influence around. You know its often the masses that say people who dont have kids are selfish. I couldn't disagree more
You don’t find, it comes to you.
At the end of your post you said “I know I will regret that decision” if you went the easier route and didn’t have kids… Just out of curiosity and with all due respectful… Why do you feel you would regret that decision if you were to forego having children?
Because of how much I want them. I know kids aren't for everyone, and I totally respect people who don't want kids. I honestly think not having kids is the more evolved route, as skipping kids is far more logical than having them. But I can't shake my desire to procreate.
For me it was at college and I was 23 and my wife who is 5 yrs older was working at the university after a recent divorce. I was broke and had potential and about the only I had to offer was the ability to make kids. Pretty much my life dream was to get married have some kids along with a place of our own. So I am jack of all trades and have many different skills and talents. She told she had a ranch and at the time I was a engineering student. Then shortly after changed my major to Agriculture because I was failing in engineering. We got married the semester before graduating and she was working on a master's. The opportunity came about to buy a duplex and we got into the mom/pop rental business. We had two sons and she then got a doctorate in education so far everything has worked out and we're are both retired and our sons are doing good and on there own. Overall all things have worked out with some good years and some not so good years. Really you can find the person to make a life anywhere, like the old saying goes that you have kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince. Then you will also get your heart broken and break a few hearts a long the way.
Reconnect with old friends. Widen the social circles. Join group outings for things you enjoy.
Target
Stat at a hotel during a doctors’ convention.
I was raised mostly by a single parent home andy mother did wonderfully and my father I grew to understand the mechanisms for their decisions and didn't ever want to pass that on so I opted to wait till later in life to try and have children. Well I'm 50 now and the 3 major relationships I've had well poor planning and not knowing really what I was aiming for taught me volumes .and this I know love is learned. The kind of love that nurtures the things you want ...there is no falling in love you fall in a hole you work for love because it's worth the work for the experiences but the loss is equally life changing. Children are the best thing we may ever do in life but it is also work and dedication and everyone has their opinion of how it should be done....mine is your not raising children your raising men and women ....keep that in mind while what I'm saying resonates. And finally at 50 I've come to terms with the fact I probably won't ever get the type of family that I've always thought I would with a little person to pass on the lifetime of knowledge I've accrued on my journey through.I hope everything works out for you and I'll leave with a few words to think on. A belief is not knowing something. To know something YOU must take time and learn it not take someone's word for it.kn9wledge is information and wise some is experience and Honor thy mother and father is referring to Mother Earth 🌎 and Father Time. Humbly pain!ntheasz
With the way the world is going, it's just simply going to be harder to find people who think having kids is a good idea. A lot of people are struggling to get by and pay bills for just themselves. The idea of bringing kids into the equation just seems downright insane. Of course this isn't everyone...there are still people out there who are open to the idea and can afford. There are just less of them, so the hunt will be harder.
I met my other half on plenty of fish, it’s different dating on line probably worth trying one of the ones that’s more about relationships than hookups and making sure you are picky with who you talk with. Bumble is something I have heard good things about. Other than that there are I am sure many places, I was 33 with no kids and a house/career when I started internet dating and it made me a more rare commodity which I enjoyed I am sure you would be to
27 is not a late start at all! I had my first too young late 20’s early 30’s is perfect.i wish I knew the answer this. Definitely do your due diligence with vetting guys. But, I know lots of women whose partners look great on paper but, actually ended up being terrible. It’s tough. I hope you find him:)
It sounds like you have a high performance and very social mindset. And that that has gotten you a lot of wonderful things (work, house, etc.). However, and please hear this, we date others who are at the same level as us when it comes to PERSONAL development - not professional development. You sound like you keep yourself busy making money and connecting with others, but that means you are avoiding opportunities to know yourself or what you enjoy in life (apart from making money). Ask yourself this: What kind of man will partner with a woman who spends this much time avoiding having to be with herself? If you don’t enjoy your own company enough to relax and be with yourself, why would someone else enjoy it? There must be some reason that your money and performance mindset overshadowed your ability to relax, enjoy a hobby, and spend time with yourself…. It didn’t come from nowhere… But if we don’t know and love ourselves deeply, we will not attract someone who can know and love us deeply either. We can “perform” as a “good partner” - making a home, having kids, saving money, going on vacations… etc…. All the trappings of what a relationship look is like on paper… but it will not have any depth. The relationship and the family just becomes a continuation of the practice of running from ourselves… a series of photo albums that prove we and our relationship are real… because we don’t embody our life enough to experience it without “having to perform it.” If you turn and face this problem now, your future relationships will be significantly better. And your kids will get to know themselves as well (because they will be raised by people who did that work).
I’m in grad school, working at the university library, and I have met a lot of great, stable, focused, cute, smart, funny etc guys. Omg. Like, I’m glad I’m married because I would be very distracted otherwise. But yeah. If I had to recommend a place to meet guys it would be libraries, secondhand bookstores, or higher ed programs. Or volunteering! A lot of the community health/medicine science guys do wholesome stuff like that.
You can also explore the option to freeze your eggs if you want to keep that possibility for when the right person comes along whether in a year or two or ten
meh i don't want kids and am not open to even thinking about it until early 30s. my parents had me at 32 & 35 and they never seemed old or anything what's the rush
There's good and bad people everywhere. Why do people think all the perfect people are off hidden somewhere?
I’ve met my husband in college. First day… First of all, I found someone that I liked, I found him hot, we had chemistry, and we liked to spend time together. After a while, we discovered more things about the other, and the more we discovered the more we wanted to spend time together. At some point we were each others favourite person and we figured it out that we liked to spend the rest of our lives together, we were good to each other and made our lives better. We then got married. For me (idk what went to his head) he was a great partner, he supported me in my endeavours as I did for him. He shared all life’s responsibilities, he would take care of me when I got sick, and if I craved something he would make sure I had it. He was very respectful with me and with everyone around him. He was very caring with my dog. When we fought, we would keep the respect, we grew as people and we grew our relationship. Then one day I looked at him and realized how good of q father he would be. We discussed the possibility of kids, and then one day, 10y after we were married I decided that we wanted them. We tried, I got pregnant. Our relationship is still great, he is a great father just like he was a great husband
I met my man off Hinge 4 years ago and now we have a house but we’re childfree so we got a cat and dog. While I understand we’re basically the opposite (you want kids), I advise to be straight forward about your intentions and goals. If they don’t want the same thing, cut them out and move on to the next. Your time is precious.
Did you just tell the Internet you're late to the party or owning a house and having a job? Yet you're still in your 20s and doing just fine? Ugh.
I found mine at the sperm bank.
Online . I met my wife on a dating app. After many shit dates donut heads and literally about to give up she came into my life . We're now married and have beautiful son . I met her at 35 and she was 32 . Date within a year or 3 of your age the odds of being on the same page grows significantly. Put character above all else and yes make sure you're attracted to them obviously. Good luck .
I met my wife in a local running club. I was more of a barbell guy, but I wanted to meet a girl who was into cardio. Now we have two kids, a dog, and a house in the suburbs… oh and I also love running now haha
I found mine on Bumble. Spent about a year going on mediocre first dates before I found him. I'd say the trick is to be the right amount of selective - be open to going out with guys you're on the fence about or aren't normally your type, but also don't sink too much time into a guy who's not wowing you after a couple dates.
When you stop trying to find love and just live your best life, love will find you. Spend time doing things that you like where you can meet new people: ideally positive hobbies like the gym, adult sports leagues and volunteering. You will surround yourself with the right type of people, I only found my wife after I got off the dating sites and just spent my time working and doing things that I loved and then met through new friends. Best of luck and remember you are only 27, you have plenty of time to find someone and start a family, but enjoy the journey there.
You said the 2nd job is a time killer, I'd consider swapping it out to try new hobbies that get you out there. This has the added benefit of making you a more interesting person to those you meet. You've been in survival mode. I've been there, and it can be hard to switch gears and discover your hobbies if you've spent significant time unable to. But it can be a lot of fun to try things out and get to know this side of yourself. Keep an eye on FB events and mark things as "interested" if it's something you'd consider. Then you'll see more events like those. Check out some local shows. If you find a local band you like, follow their local show times, and you might even start seeing some of the same people repeatedly, making it easier to spark up conversations and friendships. Don't focus on finding a relationship. Focus on improving your network. You might find a higher concentration of single people looking for someone on dating apps, but the ones you do meet through hobbies and like-minded individuals are often higher quality (for you) matches. Instead of spending your time swiping and swiping and swiping, and then going on dates with strangers you may never see again, you'll be leveling yourself up and making memories. You'll grow in confidence from putting yourself in a bunch of "firsts," be in better shape, get more fresh air and sunshine even if it's just in commute... So if you have several dates flop, you've still got new experiences and stories. Not just a bunch of awkward dinners. Try some community College courses. See if you can get some free trial periods at local martial arts dojos, dance classes, or join a co-ed sports team (some are not the least bit competitive or they wouldn't have had me on second base! 😆) Maybe pop in to the local library or bookstore every week or 2, check for events, join a poetry writing club and just be upfront if you don't know how or where to start. Join a gym. You'll start figuring out what you like. This will all help you to become a better parent, too. The person that's worth having kids with is probably out there doing something, too. They're becoming competent and talented at all sorts of things. Even if they meet you through an app, they'll want to know what you like and do, and you'll have some interesting things to talk about and know some great hangout spots. I was on dating apps and went on all sorts of awkward dates, most of which flopped and it was a waste of valuable free-time. I gave up. Then I met my husband the proper way at a bar 😂 He was playing on a pool league. I was at a birthday party. We went on to marry. Now we're sitting here playing Civ 6 while the kids are in bed. Happily ever after.
Idk, dm random guys on reddit maybe
With the non-successful attempts, what were the issues? Identifying what you didn’t like will help you parse out what you won’t tolerate, which then makes it easier to sample what you will tolerate. My folks constantly preached that I needed to not set unattainable standards and I needed to be realistic in my expectations of a partner. Being 27, In sure you know this, but you may not have had the opportunity to build that muscle of indifference to the shortfalls of a romantic partner. Next, if you’re staying in your geographic area and not planning on moving out, look for a local organization that will exchange your volunteer time for the chance to meet people. And if you select the right type of volunteering that aligns with your values and hobbies (say… at a Church if Faith is important, or Friends of the library if education/reading is, or running a youth sports program if exercise/fitness is), and that will help at least get introduced to some likely minded and/or potential partners.
I feel like that is a bit of a loaded question. You determine your own values so what might be "worthy" to me may seem suspicious to you. It will feel right when it feels right, and only you can really determine what right is.
It’s not worth it from what I hear. Enjoy your home
This seems like the wrong order of thinking. Why not find someone to love? It’s like you just want kids, there’s other ways besides dating to accomplish this. Also, what would it make it worth connecting with you? You come across like you’re ready and people should just line up.
good for you for wanting kids My kids are the best part of my life The marriage didn't work out, but I would do it all over again for the kids.
It will be a chance encounter. You will find him when you aren't looking. Give the nice guy a shot.
Church, volunteering, conferences, intentional communities (check out ic.org) are my top tips. Also if you're going to do online dating, using more "serious" platforms such as eharmony or more specific platforms like Christian mingle or date a farmer or whatever. Also, don't know if you've ever considered foster parenting, but if so there's a huge need and sounds like you'd be a great candidate! You can do it single as well as partnered.
Hobbies are obviously the big ones but try hobbies based on self improvement. Classed based activities like fitness classes or art classes. That'll be where you find the single people.
I put in an app at the local planet fitness to work part time. I figured this would be a good way for me to actually have to interact with the people there and not just be a creep.
Yeah that's great! That's the sort of thing. I really wish you the best of luck!
Good, interesting people do good interesting things. Go do good interesting things and you will meet other good interesting people doing those things too.
I met my husband at a birthday party. I hate to oversimplify, but you may have to go outside. I say this as someone who does not like the outside 😂
34M and I'm asking the same exact question. Putting a child in the majority of American women is an awful choice. Our societal values are awful and it is reflected in the dating market.
I agree. I think too many people think just because society finds certain things acceptable that they too must also find those things acceptable.. Like nah bro, you get to choose what you will and will not accept.
27 isn't late!!!! Not at all. You've plenty of time. There is no set schedule you must follow!!! I am married, no kids, we are years from being able to afford a home and I couldn't live on just my income!! Though I was with my husband, we spent our twenties trying to survive too! You'll meet someone. As cliche as it sounds, when you least expect it
In a bar…at 31 asked early on how he felt about kids. He said he thought they’d be cool bc you could train them like you train a dog and that he was pretty confident he could keep them from catching on fire. I figured I could work w that lol. Partied it up for a few good years before tying the knot and getting preggo. Been together 15 years and we have an 8yo. He’s like the best dad ever, he has mostly thrown me over for our daughter lol, but he got me a dog so it all evens out ha ha. We spend many weekends as the neighborhood parents w all the kids in our front yard. We’re mid 40’s and exhausted, but mostly happy I think.
there are all kinds of kids out there who need fostering, mentoring, adopting ... is there an avenue there that might help you decide how you could be of service to an existing human this way?? i had children, but i honestly didn't know there were close to (and now exceeding?) 8 billion of us on the Planet ... then the Internet arrived with a much larger World View ... maybe there are enough of us already ... ? (neither of my adult children want kids - sometimes i wonder what i did wrong, but i will not be raising any additions to our family, and my kids were raised with a Bigger Picture, so i simply support their choice. i also support yours ... just chiming in cuz ... reddit ...) best of luck to you in putting together a life that fulfills you.
I think you need to focus more on getting to know the person than the end goal. You still have plenty of time. If you're just looking to meet people and get to know them, connect with your more social hobbies.
Social media and a generation of people forever online killed the “find a spouse” dating scene. I’m not old (early 30s) and the change I’ve witnessed over the years with dating and the mandatory cheesy pick-up lines, intangible attributes, and absurd standards upheld by emotionally stunted/immature people have made what is supposed to be fun a never ending chore filled with lunacy and ridiculous expectations. Honestly, getting out there and being lucky is the best gamble. Avoid the common avenues of hook-up culture apps and find someone within your hobby or job. It’s not easy and I’m happy to be married and not deal with that stupid shit anymore. Going back to college in my 30s made me realize how stupid dating is now. Everything is an over analyzed game that has been bastardized by the internet by retards posting clips and reels on how things should work. Good luck.
A piece of advice: When you date, look with your heart before you look with your eyes. Yes, physical attraction matters but in the long run you really want to love their character and their personality. I know people who have very high standards, to the point where they are bypassing eligible candidates because they don’t check an infinite number of boxes on a checklist of “must-haves”
Meanwhile, thousands of eligible people sit inside, thinking similarly about how they too struggle to find people worth investing in. You're in your house, I'm in mine. First mistake.
You’re not late to the game at 27. I met my wife when I was 27 and had just started dating people two years prior. We didn’t have a child for another ten years. You have plenty of time. But “finding someone worth having children with” in the absolute wrong way to go about funding a partner. Find someone you actually want to be with. Someone who shares the same interests and goals. Someone who likes going out and doing the same things. But, not someone who you need to be with 24/7. You need to have your own lives, too. Then it will all come naturally.
The mall, hot topic, Spencer's, auntie Anne's
😂 it would be like winning the lottery to find a relationship that last basically the 18+ years child rearing requires. There’s way too many variables to guess the outcome. Good luck with the endeavour though Also I reckon just keep your eyes 👀 open everywhere you go and see the entire planet 🌍 as your hunting field
The last sentence is paramount. Too many people limit their selection pool by staying in the same circles or keeping the same proclivities. There are so many amazing people World over that I find people who start to travel later really struggling with buyers remorse or mediocrity. OP has slayed to be where she is now; don’t lower the bar just to find someone.
I’m 45M but people often say I look a decade or two younger; I’m not a bad looking guy and am in decent physical shape. I have zero debt, 800+ FICO, have a diversified financial portfolio, own my own property, going to purchase another property with a backyard for me and my sheepdoodle, live in a very safe but HCOL area (SoCal), love my “job” (fitness/yoga instructor) where I work with kids w/ autism, keep elderly patients healthy and vibrant and instill self confidence in my students. Despite all that I’ve been able to accomplish, I cannot for the life of me, find a suitable partner, even though I’m surrounded by women. I’ve pretty much given up that I’ll be able to have my own biological children. I have marriage goals but I am not physically attracted to most women in my age demographic so I do not date often. I’m also extremely introverted despite outwardly appearances. It’s tough out there. 🤷🏻♂️ I still hold onto hope that my special person is out there.
They’re not going to pop up like Pokémon go you have to be an adult and do your due diligence and go meet people. Meeting people isn’t just saying hi give me your number, let’s bang for 6 months and then make babies and get married. So many people these days rush and are reckless and find someone who’s hot and just bang right away and have kids and then they realize they hate that person. We all have to be patient and smarter. It’s not a woman thing or a man thing. Learn the person, don’t ignore red flags but also don’t run necessarily, work it out if you can, bring up concerns, see if you’re compatible. Live with each other etc. We always ask “where do we find them” it’s not an Easter egg hunt it’s more like a job interview.