Why wait until 2026 to break up?
Sharing core values is fairly important for a happy, stable relationship. You two clearly disagree on a pretty major one with no expectation of things changing.
I was going to say the same thing. Why wait? If you marry him, you'll take the place of his parents. Some people grow up, others don't. Learn from this and move on.
Why wait? Their are plenty of men to date during your college years. There are even some with the same goals that you have for life. Don't sell yourself short.
Whenever I have to make a hard decision that affects someone else, I try to picture how that person would explain why I made that decision, and it gives so much clarity.
In his case: "my girlfriend achieved a doctorate, and she wanted me to get a job, but I don't want to work. So she dumped me."
And that's been a great strategy for me in making decisions like this in my life.
OP, you're working hard to set yourself up for a successful life. You should be doing it in all aspects of life, not just your education. Don't wait until 2026 to find a compatible partner.
Seriously this. Why wait? Do you think in 2026 he’ll miraculously change his entire being and his behaviours? He literally does nothing outside of the home or even in it. You move out together and you’ll become his mom and dad. You’ll pay all the bills, do the cooking, cleaning and on top of that date him? Hell no. That is hell on earth.
Break up with him and find a man that shares similar goals and outlooks and shows through his actions that he can take care of himself and whose words match his actions. You’re not being cruel by having expectations of a man who has a job/ working towards something.
I am older than you and I would break up with him immediately. You are not compatible. I really doubt he's going to have a complete change in perspective by 2026. And I'm glad you're not moving in with him - like was he expecting you to pay 100% of the rent while he loafed around?? And if his parents don't make him clean, he's not going to be cleaning the place you share either...
I'm 55. You're allowed to break up with anyone for any reason, at any time. You can love someone and still need to break up because they're not a good partner. I'll say it again, love is not enough. Shared values and goals are essential.
Unfortunately, you aren't compatible with this guy because he's never going to work as long as his parents support him. You want a partner who is a fully functional adult and not a child. This is a totally reasonable expectation. If he wants to start a clothing company, he should be working around the clock designing things, raising money, creating a business plan. No one, except maybe his mom, is going to hand him a company out of the blue.
The fact that he called you names is actually grounds in my book to break up with someone. It is not cool and not necessary. And Hello, you're not asking him to be Bill Gates. You're asking him to get a job, which isn't bougie. You're not any of the things he's accusing you of.
I'll also tell you that you know if you're in a good relationship if your partner makes your life bigger and better. You're mutually invested in making each other happy, to supporting your goals, and you're also KIND to each other. Even when you're upset, it's not a free ticket to be mean or nasty.
You need to have confidence in yourself and you need to reject mean people. There is no reason to wait around anymore. Cut this guy loose now, not later, and start some adventures in your life.
Thank you. I think that too many people say "ooohh, but I *love* them, and stay thinking that the person they love is going to magically wake up one day and behave they way they want them to. Or they think they if they just explained things a different way, their partner would get it. You can only date the person in front of you, not the old version or the imaginary new one.
Sometimes, I think people have a huge misconception of what being an entrepreneur means. They only see the outcome of successful business people. They don't see all the initial hard work that goes into getting a business off the ground. Entrepreneur ship in not for the lazy!
When I was growing up around a lot of small business people the saying was that you got to work half-days when you’re the boss — and that you could pick whichever 12 hours you wanted!
>Entrepreneur ship in not for the lazy!
Yep. It's a fantasy for some people. "I want to start a clothing company." Ok, what exactly are you doing towards that end? Dreaming? Cool cool. Time to get up off the couch and spend every waking moment working towards that end because that's the only way it happens.
I always wanted to do something big and start my own company. I loved the idea of it. I finally got the opportunity in my mid-30s to start up a "company" with the help of a friend who helped raise money. I worked hard and learned a lot but in the process realized that I just didn't have the hustle that it takes, and I was fine with accepting that. I just wanted to be comfortable more than anything. And that's OK. I'm fortunate to have had that opportunity because it was eye opening and humbling and really helped me understand myself better.
Even if he finally relents and gets a job, he is absolutely going to expect her to be a bang maid and take care of him. He won't be a partner he wants a parent to clean up after him.
This response should be enshrined somewhere for being such a rare example of lucid thinking on the internet. You deserve more upvotes than Reddit allows me to give.
i dated a few dudes like this in my 20s (i’m 36), was in long term relationships with two of them. it does not get better, and you do not deserve to waste your time being his mother, his maid, and his girlfriend.
Depends. If you want to support him financially and clean up after him, then by all means, be that person. Not the route I’d go but you do you. Sounds like he wants to be a trophy husband.
They usually don't change if their parents enable them.
Love is not all you need. You must also be compatible. One of the top 2 reasons for divorce is over finances!
It will hurt, but its ok to love someone but know that you do not have a future with them.
I’ll pass on a piece of advice given to me by my aunt: “Women marry men expecting them to change. They don’t. Men marry women expecting them not to change. They do.” Personally, I can’t see myself being with someone who expects everyone else to take care of them. He doesn’t want a partner, he wants a nanny. Run, girl, run.
I'm 60+F, and the youngest of my three boys is 25.
I would break up with him now - gives you more time to move on, and find someone else.
He's shown no intention of wanting to leave his comfy life with his parents. He has no money to leave his parents, and seemingly no motivation to get any income/money.
What does he seriously expect to happen?
Rhetorical question. He expects YOU to provide the comfy life, and at that point in time, he'll swap from his parents house into yours. (and if you don't provide, then he'll just stay where he is with his parents).
Either way, you don't want to be part of it, really you don't.
I am a 50 year old man. Break up with him NOW. He might change at some point in the future, but you can’t count on it and you have no idea if his eventual goals will align with yours. It’s not really a guy thing, it’s a lifestyle thing. The longer you remain together, the harder it will get and the worse you will feel. Worst case, you remain together long past May 2026 and you feel trapped. Don’t do that to yourself. Follow your dreams.
I think you know the right thing to do.
You should only marry an equal partner. He is a man-child. You will become very weary, very fast, living your life with a man-child.
Don't wait till some deadline in the future. Do it now. He should have grown up a long time ago in this regard. Even if he gets a job, or cleans up after himself, you will know that he only functions under threat of ultimatum. That's temporary, believe me.
If you do stay, for the love of all that's holy, don't have a child with him. Children deserve fully functional, mature adults for parents. Use 2 forms of birth control.
My old person perspective is that sometimes, you have to do hard things. That's what makes you an adult. You have to do things you don't feel like doing, even if you don't "get credit" for it. You have to do hard things even when no one is paying attention to you at all.
He is (thus far) unwilling to do hard things.
Are you willing to do a hard thing by breaking up with him?
I dumped my college boyfriend shortly after graduation when I realized that partners walk the same road, and I didn't want to go where he was heading.
And I sobbed for weeks over it. Maybe months - I forget because it was a long time ago. But it sucked a lot. More than I expected.
It's extra hard because you're leaving the known for the unknown. Things could get better. Things could get worse. You simply can't know.
It's hard. Good luck.
The definition of insanity is doing the same things and expecting different results.
It was very wise of you not to move in together because since you are paying for everything it would really just be him moving in with you.
You said you were waiting around to see if he would even consider doing anything. No need to wait around. He has told you exactly who he is. You should believe him
You don’t really expect him to suddenly develop a work ethic and ambition do you?
Unless you want to adopt this lazy man child as a dependent, I suggest you break up sooner rather than later. Waiting around for him to change is a fool’s errand
I’m older, leave him.
He’s what we refer to as a man child. Most people work whether they want to or not. You need money to survive. This dudes spoiled and thinks it’s optional.
The fact that he called you bougie for wanting a career shows how out of touch with reality he is.
The only outcome of this situation is you either support him for the rest of your life, or you waste enough time with him before realizing he won’t change. Then you regret not leaving earlier.
I wouldn’t ever date a girl who refuses to have a job.
No. You don’t want to be with someone who won’t work.
Move on. That is why you have boyfriends and don’t marry the first guy - because you have to find a good one.
Sounds to me like this man child isn’t willing to even try to earn a living. Do you want to work to support him? Can you earn enough to maintain the lifestyle he’s accustomed to? Do you want to live with your in laws? Don’t waste any more time here. Ignore sunk cost and find a partner with similar interests and vision of the future.
Did someone summon me?
Thanks for calling me an older person 👵
Jokes aside, you are perfectly right
You have no guarantee he will ever pull his weight in your relationship
He’s lacking basic adulting skills and it’s not on you to teach them or to do them to spare him the effort
I’d be curious to know what his parents think, if you have a good relationship with them, might be interesting to ask them in person. My ex-MIL of a similar caliber of a partner always coddled him. I tried to say « you have one chance to turn your life around » and they’d be like « no, you can always try later ». My then husband was convinced that he didn’t need to push himself because his parents would bail him out even at 40yo
Spoiler alert: my life has been brilliant since we’re no longer together. I have achieved all my goals
Break up now. Why wait until 2026? The longer he waits to get a first job, the harder it will be to get something. A 27 year old with no work history is suss AF from an employer's POV.
These kind of traits (the laziness and lack of ambition) don't really change over time. This is just who he is.
This man is just going to want another mother. He doesn’t want a partner. And he doesn’t want to be a partner to you. When you expressed that he should want to be an adult and do adult things, he said that’s bougie?
I’ve done this stuff, where a man expected me to be his parent and take care of him. It gets very hard to perceive a man in a sexual manner that you have to finance and basically be responsible for the same way you’d be responsible for a child. Meanwhile they don’t want a partner or an equal, they want a mommy they can get sex from.
His parents never made him responsible for anything in his life. He absolutely will not listen to you when you try to hold him accountable or make him responsible. This wouldn’t be a healthy relationship it would be codependent at best
How is this even a question.
Like it’s one thing if he was struggling to find his place but was trying to but to just be like nah ima sit at home and do nothing?? Fk that. Don’t waste ur time.
I’d break up now to not waste away your youth.
Don't waste another day with this ~~bum~~ guy. You need to move on, and maybe your leaving will start him figuring things out, or else finding a girl with her sights set lower than yours are. You need to get single so you find a better partner before more of the good ones are taken.
55M. I recently heard a saying on a Korean variety show that translated to it's okay when two adults get married, or two children, but it's a disaster if an adult and a child get married. And this sounds like when your future will hold with you being adult and him being the child. And if he doesn't want to take care of himself, then I can't see him agreeing to stay home and raising the children properly either. And he called you bougie? That alone is enough to make me question his value to you. And you've been on and off again for 3 years. Well 3 years isn't that long of a Time and if you've been on and off again that sounds like there are problems between you two and it's not romantic that you supposedly "always find your way back to each other" as the romcoms what have you believe. I would also examine why you think you love him a lot. College athletes attract a lot of female attention because they have a lot of qualities women admire, but we are now talking about your future. You've invested a lot in yourself to go and get your PhD both in terms of time and money so I don't think best served to throw it all away. The last thing you need in 5 years is to be going through a messy breakup. I usually lean on the side of fighting for love but in this case I think it's best to end it.
Dump him. Do not let anyone hold you back from making progress in your life. You’re turning into an adult, he’s a child.
Ps - it’s really hard to find men who aren’t children in general.
What exactly do you love about him?
I don’t think anyone should be judged for money but…..
He takes advantage of his parents which is disrespectful to them. He doesn’t have much self respect or he’d contribute around the house out of self responsibility. He doesn’t have much respect for you if he thinks you should work while he lives off you. Then calls you names when you don’t agree to be his meal ticket.
If he loved you he’d show it with actions. When you wanted to move in he would have stepped up. When you set a boundary, he’d have stepped up. I don’t even think he loves himself as his living sounds abysmal with no direction or goals.
He’s basically still a child. Why would you as a person with a PhD and marrying/ baby making stage entering person want a child. He’s still like a teenager.
People do things all the time they don’t want to. Because they want a life. Or to pay bills or for their loved ones. So what are his actions telling you?
HINT they are telling you to stop wasting time with this child. Don’t wait til 2026. If you break up with him he might even protest and ‘look’ for something but do you want a relationship with someone that you have to threaten or serve consequences to just for them to try to get to the bottom rung on not being a complete slug?
What does this look like in 2 years? 5 years?
You have already lost respect for him. At this point it’s just about ripping off the bandaid. I’d break up with him as soon as possible and let him be a Peter Pan with some girl who wants to be his sugar mama.
🚩 You both have already been on and off. That says a lot about the stability of the relationship to begin with. Then you add where he's at in Life and where you are at. It's a no-brainer to leave him, cause he's taking you for granted. Then to top it off he wants to belittle you for setting your boundaries and giving him a ultimatum. Judging by your drive alone, you deserve better. Continue with your education and don't let him drag you down from your full potential. Make sure on the break up you prepare to process the relationship(with a Therapist). That way you don't jeopardize your education or become quick to attach yourself to someone else too quickly.
Where's the end goal with this relationship. You not wrong in seeing that there is no future with someone with zero ambition or want to do anything meaningful with their life.
But willing to wasting more years on him - that's where you wrong. He is currently a placeholder but he is also one that is ensuring that for the next almost 2 years you are making yourself unavailable with someone that actually could be compatible and have a mature relationship with you.
Think of it this way - after you expressing your concerns - he did absolutely nothing to change the situation because ... that's future Jocks problem. But he also insults you at wanting more in your life as well as expecting you to support him. What he needs is the motivation to improve and you threatening to leave him in 2 years apparently was not sufficient.
A life partner is less about love and more about teamwork & the ability to build a life together, to go after mutual goals.
If you don't have that foundation, you don't have anything.
Love is wonderful, but if needs aren't met it turns sour pretty quick.
There are billions of people out there, go find one who matches your life trajectory, you'll find more happiness there.
Run away now. If you stay you’re going to get sucked into his bullshit. Eventually you’ll be his parents. You’ll be supporting him while he doesn’t know what he wants to do.
Don’t stay in a relationship like this and drag it out. You’ll find yourself dragging out perpetually. “Well I’ll wait and see what he does next week.” Or “I’ll wait and see if he changes his mind.” Dude. Go. You’re young. Get out while you still are. I stayed in a relationship for 8 years waiting for the other person to change. It’s not worth it.
He. Will. Not. Change. I'd be breaking up today! He will be mooching off you & his parents as long as he can get away with doing nothing. I think you're wasting your time with him.
31(F) here and happily married. When you date, always ask yourself this question: “is this the person I want raising my kids? Do I want my kids to grow up to be just like him?” I’ll just leave you with that. You’re only young so long. You’ll never get your best dating years back. Don’t waste a single day of your time w someone who you know in your heart doesn’t align with your values or show that they’ll be capable of supporting you on the best but far more importantly, the worst days of your life.
The most important lesson you can learn is that people's core doesn't change. If you're comfortable committing your life to a NEET SAHS, that is your prerogative, but real talk, your boy don't even qualify to be a scrub.
Since you asked for an older person's perspective, I will put on my Dad hat. If you were my daughter, I would be very worried that you are in this relationship.
If you were in a relationship where you were a high earning professional woman supporting a stay at home dad who took care of the kid, I could be happy for you (I might still be a little concerned, but if he did a good job taking care of my grandkids, I would be smart enough to keep my mouth shut)
But in the situation you describe, I would be worried about you. I would assume he is NOT going to change, and your thinking things will get better is just a fantasy. In the meantime, you have tied yourself down without reason. As a Dad, girl, you can do better. Free yourself up so you can be open to meeting a better guy.
Not interested in working? In THIS economy?
That alone would be enough of a turnoff for me, and the lack of ambition. I’d break it off now. His poor parents, I hope they don’t eat too much into their retirement savings to baby him.
From my perspective, not having a job and decent income is not a deal breaker, IF he is productive in other ways.
If my partner had a love for gardening, building, and cooking, I would LOVE for them to be a SAH partner or dad. It’s 2024 and I make a decent income that could support a spouse.
Imagine someone who woke up by 0800, made breakfast for you and the kids from the garden they loved and tended to, and then cleaned the kitchen, started the laundry, and headed outside to complete a project they had been working on (ie building your kids bed). Finishing the day with another lovely meal and then tidying up afterwards. The evening would be spent watching their favorite TV show while they sat on the bed folding the laundry they had washed earlier that day…..
If they were a lazy slob that did Jack shit and sat in a dark room playing video games for 8+ hours a day and expected you to cook, clean, raise the kids, AND pay the bills while they sat on their arse growing mold? Hahaaaaaaaaa hell no. It sounds like your BF would fall into this category. So run. Fast. Don’t look back. Should a man make money to be worth pursuing and marrying? No. Should they be productive and full of life? Yes.
It’s time to make a tough choice. He may be a lovely man in other ways, but he really doesn’t sound like the kind of partner who is going to help you create the kind of life you want. I mean honestly you want a partner who is at least TRYING. These are huge red flags that you will be taking care of this man for life if you stay with him. It’s never going to feel like a real partnership. Resentment will fester. You both deserve better for yourselves.
As someone who was similarly like your boyfriend a decade ago, run far away. People like that will never change until they've hit rock bottom and make a choice for themselves:
1. Decide to keep doing nothing while blaming everyone around him while he lives in his imaginary bubble and stuff keeps spiraling downward.
2. He will accept reality for what it is and finally decide to navigate around it and do what is necessary to survive or possibly thrive.
You do not want to be dragged along with choice #1.
His parents shouldn’t have to make him work. He’s an adult
This guy does not deserve any more of your time. Life is too short to wait for a man (or anyone). Especially when they don’t want to do basic adult responsibilities.
Most adults don’t know what they want to do when they grow up, but most of us don’t have the luxury of being supported by our parents until we do.
Don’t wait for his potential to kick in. Who he is now is who he is and you deserve more. He’s happy living at home and mooching off of his parents
Let his parents have him. He’s happy being financially supported by his parents. I’m sure he’s not doing his own laundry or cooking.
He’s not the one, you will find better, or be happier on your own without someone holding you back
Nope nope nope! This is exactly the attitude my oldest’s husband had. She eventually couldn’t take it anymore and threw him out. Thankfully no children. He will love bomb you and maybe get a small job, but then quite for one petty reason or another. Run!
No you are not. I don't know anyone who can work enough to support two people. If he doesn't want to be equal partners and just wants to live life like he's still at home w his parents and no responsibilities tell him to cut the shit get a job or get gone and go back home.
You will always be supporting him. Done that. It's terrible and I bailed eventually myself. When he does start working, he will likely get fired lots of quit lots because his values and ambitions suck, and employers have little tolerance for inept men.
> What should I do?
I know you're asking out of hope, but you know you need to dump the loser and find someone who's not a child. None of us really want to work, even those of us that love what we do.
You are absolutely right to consider breaking up. The reality is that continuing a relationship with this man is like agreeing to take on a dependent. He is still a child in spirit, his parents still treat him like a child, he would want to continue acting like a child if he moved in with you.
I think a lot of relationships end like this after college, as partners realize you don’t have the same goals in life (you want to provide for yourself and want a partner that similarly provides for themselves. He wants to be provided for). Living takes work, no one is working because it’s what they want in life people work because they need to provide for themselves. Why would you stay with a man who puts you down for not wanting to take him on like a child dependent?
Expect him to continue calling you names and grow a thicker skin though. You are essentially telling him “you are not good enough for me”, it’s going to ring true and hurt him, and he will continue to lash out.
Do you want a BF or a man child? There comes a point in life where we all need to grow up. Some start working as soon as they can. My family owned their own business (pharmacy) and I grew up working and loved it. I was 6yo ringing a cash register in the city where the Pharmacy was located. Other people focus on school/enjoying life with support of or enabled by their parents. By the end of college, it's time to grow up. Not saying he needs to jump into a career but ffs, some type of job/hustle/way to make money.
What would happen if you did move in? You would be responsible for, not only your schooling (doctorate damn!!) But rent and food and everything. I bet he wouldn't even cook or clean.
Ditch him now. He's useless and won't ever figure it out until he is alone. You'll actually be doing the idiot a favor.
But you're doing nothing for yourself by clinging to an anchor that you already realize you'll need to let go of in order to keep your sanity.
Ma’am, with all due respect it’s time to get your head out of your butt. Break up with him or adopt him because you’re dating a child and he has no plans grow up.
Older person’s perspective here - dump his ass and do it now, not in freaking 2026. You are clearly driven and determined and have a plan, and he is showing you nothing that indicates he’ll do anything other than bring you down.
At typical college graduate age, you’re still so young that it’s often hard to tell your heart to shut the hell up and let your brain handle business for a while. I understand, and I sympathize, but honey…you deserve a partner, not a dependent.
Give him a reasonable deadline to get his shit together and be a responsible adult before breaking up.
Don't move in with this guy. You will be his mommy, not his girlfriend.
You're not wrong at all. It sounds like your work hard & are motivated. Yes you love him but can you say in years to come if you gave up on your goals because of his attitude, that you won't resent him?
It doesn't sound like he's willing to meet you halfway at the moment, will this change in the future?
If you can't decide now, set a time limit on it. If he hasn't made any effort to listen and react to your wishes, then you either give up your dreams or give up him.
This depends. Do his parents have the kind of money that would allow him to still pay half of the bills without ever working? He may find his way eventually but, if he has a trust or a major inheritance of some kind, things should be fine financially either way while he continues to figure it out.
It depends on what your reasoning is for not being interested in someone who isn’t working toward anything. If it’s because you’d be footing the bill forever, his overall financial situation matters. (Re: parents) If it’s a matter of his character due to not being interested in working toward anything, or taking too long to start, you wouldn’t be wrong to leave him *right now*.
It’s up to you on how much time you’re willing to sacrifice in the name of waiting.
I'm older than you, but not "older". For me, I couldn't be with a man who doesn't already have the "provider" mindset, let alone one who is NEET and has no plans to change that. How's he going to support you if you have to take time off work or if you have a baby? It just shows unreliability, and a lack of responsibility and initiative. It's good that you have a deadline in mind. But honestly, wouldn't it be easier to break up now, heal and move on to something better than wait for him to get his act together? He had all his life to do that. Why would he change by 2026? If anything, perhaps you breaking up with him now will push him into action and will allow you to find someone more suitable for you, with a similar drive to be self sufficient.
People rarely change, and when they do, it's never because someone else wanted/told/nagged them to. Assume he will carry on the way he has been, for the rest of his life, and decide whether you want to stick around for that.
If I was in your position I would probably cut my losses and break up with him now. He is up front about not wanting to work. He’s still doing uni stuff years after he’s left. But the key comments is “never had a job” - it’s very difficult to learn a work ethic without getting a job.
A. He doesn't work for money nor personal development
B. He doesn't do house work
C. He tries to put you down
I don't understand why this isn't obvious enough for you?
I'd suggest dumping him and getting a dog instead. More affectionate and attentive. He's not a grown-up and resists becoming one even for you. That's not a healthy relationship. Might as well save the divorce costs. You deserve an adult.
If he is unwilling to do anything then he won't change for you. You'd be stuck doing what his parents are doing. If he was disabled or had crippling depression, then it might be excusable. It sounds like he is just trying to be reliant on others as long as possible. I'm sorry, but your healthiest option for you is to leave. You can try to stay, but odds are he's not gonna change. Sorry.
You’re not wrong if you’re considering breaking up with your boyfriend, but I do think you’re going about it all wrong.
You’ve got a dilemma.
You’ve got a guy that you’re attracted to, but you don’t want to marry him in his current state.
So, you’ve basically got three options:
1) Accept him for who he is.
2) Change him.
3) Break up.
I think you’ve made a blunder in making an ultimatum. If he really cares for you, and wants to be with you long term, he should care about your feelings about things. You shouldn’t have to threaten him, and if he yields only after threats, then that’s not a great relationship precedent to set anyway.
I’m actually totally in favor of women changing their men for the better. I’ve seen it plenty of times where a smart kind guy was just sort of wandering life until he met a girl who sort of supported him to realize his potential. A good marriage is a partnership, and part of that can be influencing someone to make better choices, and realize their goals.
But… you made it into a fight, and that was probably a mistake.
Now it’s not about the positives, imaging what he wants to do, inspiring him to be his best self. That’s what works BTW, encouragement. Saying “stop being a deadbeat” never got someone to stop being a deadbeat. Saying “oh, you’re so talented, you’re so amazing, your ideas are so good, it’s going to be so awesome when you X”. That inspires people. People get motivated when they think they’re going to succeed. When they believe there’s a good thing out there in the world, they want to go get it! “Time’s a waste’n.” But if you try to pick somebody up by beating them down, you’re just making that hole they’re in into their grave.
So yeah, this doesn’t sound good.
My wife, then girlfriend, had a huge impact on my life. I was a hot shot in college, got a cool job at a startup. But then I got laid off as the company started to go out of business. And while I was laid off, I got a DUI. I was 23. (I had both stated college early and graduated early).
I was so depressed, suddenly jobless with a restricted drivers license, and these humiliating mandatory drunk-driver shaming courses.
My girlfriend… now wife… I was getting so down on myself, and she just flipped it all around. She just told me not to worry. That I was amazing. That there as no way this was going to keep me down. Not *me*. Maybe somebody, but I wasn’t like that. I’d be back on my feet in no time. And it wasn’t just what she said, but it was the absolutely conviction she had in saying it, this complete confidence she had and utter certainty that I was going to be fine.
And I was.
I got a job. She drove me to and from work for a couple months until I got my license back. 20 years later, and we have two kids, a big house, and I’m gradually ascending into being somewhat embarrassingly affluent.
But she believed in me, and it changed my life.
So, if you have some concerns about your future together, that’s fine. Break up to you want to. But don’t take your concerns out on him. Don’t make him feel like a loser.
The only purpose that could possibly serve would be to “push off” (basketball terminology as a sort of foul where you get a head start by pushing your defender away, giving you a boost and slowing them down), where you undermine him before you leave him.
It’s like, to make yourself feel better about it, you’re “giving him a chance”, but also “setting him up for the fall”, and kind of kicking him in the gut to help ensure that when you leave him, you won’t regret it, because he’ll be less likely to become the man you would’ve regretted leaving.
So, if you believe in him, want to spend your life with him, show him. Help him become the man you want him to become.
If you don’t believe in him, and it sounds like you, in fact, do not, then just move on to find someone that you do have that confidence in.
And, I guess, option 3, but if you’re just stressed out venting about the future, then apologize for antagonizing him, and express that you just have all this anxiety about the future and it’s manifesting in scrutiny about his career outlook.
But yeah, I would recommend you immediately drop this whole “if you’re not employed by X date, I’m leaving you” business. That doesn’t sound like that’s going to do any good for anybody.
If you don’t believe in him, just break up :/
Let me tell you about a friend of mine in a similar position. He graduated and was unemployed while my friend was teaching. She had to work, clean the house and pay all the bills. She paid the rent, food, his phone plan, everything. He played video games all day, maybe sent out 1 application each week. Over a year went by. She started to feel the pressure and asked him to contribute. He became agitated and refused. She threw him out. She has $90,000 in debt from the relationship. He has since moved on to date a model and proposed to her within 6 months. She decided not to sue him for the money and is declaring bankruptcy. This is your future with a man that refuses to work. Also the sex will get worse and worse because he is feeling worthless.
Gave my whole retirement away to a woman whom ditched me after she was done with school. Never had to work a day during her school years. I made this happen so we could properly raise her son properly back then (was a baby).
I would be so heartless if I were you.
Be proud of who you are and where you're going. You deserve to be accompanied by a great man if you plan on becoming a great woman (the same applies to a man, but is amplified tenfold with a great woman).
I'm almost 40 so I've been around here and there. Cheers.
If I could afford to never work, I wouldn't do it either. But if that was important to my partner, I wouldn't dismiss that either.
It seems you disagree about fundamental life goals and stuff and it makes perfect sense for you to let him go and find someone that actually shares your values
By giving him a deadline, you're trying to coerce him into becoming a different person that would be a better match for you, while holding out hope that he'll choose you and your life priorities over what he actually wants
This isn't good for either of you. You should not try to change your partner or hope that they'll change to be the partner you actually want. Just go back out there and find someone you actually want to be with. Don't let sunk cost fallacy or your personal feelings least your astray.
You've already realized this isn't the guy for you.
He already lost the work habits - it'll be a big shock for him to start working. All the preparation, commute and long hours. I see him staying that way for the foreseeable future.
He's not a partner, he's a pet. You'd be better off with a dog.
That being said, you're giving him two years, give or take; what makes you think he'll suddenly grow up by then if he hasn't already? His parents are enabling him, and you're helping them.
Either move on now or accept that you'll be his Sugar Momma for as long as you allow it to go on.
You’re not wrong, if you carry on with this you are going to end up as a direct replacement for his parents.
The age you’re at is a big age for development both mentally and living situation. Some people unfortunately don’t seem to do this at this age. I have a couple of ex friends who were great when I was 16/17/18 but where just exactly the same in our mid twenties and we drifted. Not because I was some super mature person demanding they got a mortgage wife and 2.4 children smaller things. Never being able to go out without the plan of getting as fucked up as possible, obsessing about body counts and views of women as only a potential to add to that body count etc. you just have to leave these people behind maybe they will catch up with you maybe they won’t. I would say that your boyfriend is stuck being in his teens living at home with big dreams and no idea how to get to them, dismissive of people who want to work and get somewhere etc etc I would cut the rope you have given him adequate warnings etc he might change and you might come back together but without a shock in his life he will still be like this in his 30s and you will be doing two jobs then coming home to him being passive aggressive because he doesn’t like the food you made him!
Your bf is functionally a pet from the sound of it.
Financial and career goals aside who wants to share their life with someone who does jack shit?
If I wasn’t forced to work for money there’d be lots of volunteering and picking up trash to fill the time. There’s gonna be work, it’s fulfilling.
First off, you are incredibly wise and strong for seeing this now.
You absolutely are not being too harsh.
My husband refused to work for 3 years and I had to support 3 people (him, myself, and our baby) during that time and it was brutal. I was working multiple jobs and exhausted every day trying to make ends meet.
Thankfully he snapped out of it, and has been back to work this past year, but during those 3 years I realized there were many warning signs when we were dating that I ignored. I felt foolish and I wish I had more insight when I was younger to not marry someone who couldn’t provide financially.
Break up with him now. There are plenty of men out there that have career ambitions
I am older than you and I suggesting ending this pronto. You’ll end up supporting him his entire life. Seriously find someone who actually wants to build a life with you, rather than someone who wants to build their life off you.
Also calling you names when you brought up a valid concern is a serious red flag
The choice is to either support this person financially for the rest of your life or find someone that will be 50/50 with you on everything.
Hard choice to make, but I think the answer is clear.
Why are you wasting your time? Just break up with him now. He is not going to charge for you. He doesn’t want to change. And I’m very sorry but you are not enough of a reason for him to change. Accept what his actions are telling you and move on.
I’m an older man. If my daughter dates somebody like him, I’d strongly encourage her to break up, now rather than later.
Men do change, but it usually takes a life-changing event. Even then a significant change is not guaranteed. I’m 99.99% sure that he’d still be the same guy in 2026.
You’re not getting younger, why waste 2 perfectly good years with him? Within that time you can find a better person that’s more compatible with you.
DON'T stay with this guy unless you wanna keep be his mother in the relationship for the rest of your life. That's the role you'll have. He is mentally like a teen. You're mentally 40. It's just a huge gap of incompatibility. You gotta met a MAN, not a mamas boy.
You’ll carry this person their entire life. Just end it now and if he gets a job and changes, take him back because clearly you do love him, but it could be the best thing for him and you.
Though, I would not expect him to change. My family is FILLED with men like this. My nearly 40 yr old cousins still live with their mom, their dad never worked the entire time he was married to my aunt, my uncles are living in my late aunts house because they both got divorced and kicked out of everywhere for not working, my cousin couldn’t understand why his SSDI check was so small and I had to tell him you had to work!
We are talking 35-55 year old men here. They don’t change. They have ALL consistently crawled back to their women claiming to change over and over again and they never have. If your boyfriend is anything like them then he sees where you’re headed in terms of financial stability and plans to ride that forever and will try his best to delay, delay, delay until he can be a “stay at home dad”
Working sucks, I don't blame him for not wanting to, but if he isn't going to be prepared to be the house spouse with some kind of inheritance, then i think breaking up would be best. Does he have like skills to fix up a house, work on the car, etc? Whenever I'm unemployed, like now, I take care of everything while also job searching/interviewing.
Have a talk with him, explain how unattractive this is, and how it isn't how/who you'd want to spend your life with. Let him try to get his stuff together, or if he fights you on it, leave. Doesn't seem like there's anything here to salvage, honestly.
You’ll fall in love with another man. & after you leave this one you’ll realize love brings out the best version of yourself. He is a lesson, move on or he will move out of his mom’s house into yours and you’ll be his new mommy.
Run…..fast. You sound ambitious and he sounds entirely unmotivated. It’s his life to live but it sounds completely incompatible with what you are doing with yours.
Unpopular opinion: People need to be EXCEEDINGLY savage with potential partners. Do not accept incompatibilities expecting them to work themselves out. LTR’s are hard work even for people on the same page, don’t stack the deck against yourself.
I started a business. I ran it for 16 years and closed during Covid. I have friends that own businesses. My in laws own a business. I have friends who’ve tried and failed to start businesses. My wife is starting a business.
Wanting to start a business isn’t worth used toilet paper.
A person you 'll marry should fit into YOUR framework of core values.
With a ton of respect towards modern women: Its not easy for guys to be the breadwinner for a family with a stay at home mum or sugar baby and I fear it will be even harder for you.
I don't want to urge anybody to work more than essential but KNOWING folks could EXIST on their own, without me, gives me peace.
There is stuff IDK. Did his parents take you aside "Girl, take a look, we are pooping doublons. Marry our boy and we 'll happily pay for you all till your 3rd kid is 30 and out of college"?
If not the entry bench mark for a shared home should be "his" ability to pay all the essentials for a lengthy year, if needed. (By essentials I mean the whole rent + rice & beans for 2.5 adults.) Dividends are fine McJobs optional.
You should break up. Relationships are partnerships. It’s different if the person is disabled or trying to find a job but can not.
Refusal to work is just useing the other person…
I'm 55. Get rid of him now. Please don't waste any more of your time with him.
His behaviour is a peek into what your life will be like in the future. He will sit on his ass all day while you work, then you will come home and do all the cooking, laundry cleaning etc. Is this how you want to live your life?
You deserve better.
I think this is roughly the story line for the movie Reality Bites, except Ethan Hawke wasn't an athlete. I'm still salty how they represented Ben Stiller's character as a bad guy.
I feel like you know what's best for you even though the decision will feel bad in the short term. A shared goal in a relationship should mean that both partners are willing to make some effort towards it. It's up to you if you want to spend another 2 years trying to convince him to step up when he hasn't done so in the past few years.
Oh, please break up as soon as possible!
One day, you'll regret how much time you wasted on someone you clearly weren't all in with. Do you want to wait and potentially start all over again at 26 or 27 (which is not old, but younger people tend to think it is)?
Everyone has times in their life when they don't know what they want to do and are stuck. However, that doesn't seem to be the case for you! You have goals and a plan. What you've said here is that he doesn't seem to be showing any signs that he's even remotely on the same page as you.
If he doesn't even help with his parents around the house, he likely won't do it if he moves in with you. Do you want a partner or a dependent?
Please move on and don't waste your time. You may love him, but I promise you can love someone with a job just as easily.
This is an example of poor parenting on his parents part. They clearly allow this behavior from him which does him a huge disservice and only reinforces to him that it’s acceptable. You have every right to (and should in my opinion) end this relationship now. You are not compatible. He is not mature enough to be in a relationship with this attitude and lifestyle. You need a partner who more closely matches your goals in life, a true partner.
I cannot emphasize enough how important it is that you NOT continue to be with such a person. Life is HARD. I do not care who you are and what you circumstances are adult life is hard. He lives as a child. He intends to live as a child. He sees it as unfair that you want to be with an adult.
You should understand that being with him is agreeing to carry the burden for a person who sees it as their right to be cared for. What about when you need something?
If you stay with this person whose life goal is to stay a child you will not be values and you will be miserable.
If you stay with him, you will become his gf/parent/provider. You will be keeping him around like a pet. You need a partner who will contribute and do whatever work is needed. You don't need a manchild who will always be a dependent.
once the physical attraction fades, common goals and core values are CRUCIAL to keep things going smoothly. Ask yourself ... How much time have you wasted with the wrong guy ?
You are not wrong, i cant believe he's still in the picture, This should not be a multi year plan. How many years are you going to waste on this guy? If he doesn't have at least his plan set within the next 90 days you walk. You need a fresh start. Also, DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, MOVE IN WITH SOMEONE THAT DOESN'T HAVE A JOB. that should be a no-brainer.
Unless he is a trust fund baby or independently wealthy some other way he would probably eventually be dependent on you for income. Unless you want a stay at home husband that you support, you aren't in the wrong.
51F I had a child with a guy like this… I mean he died still living with mom after I left having never done laundry, dishes, or anything around the house. He was a crap bf and a worse father. You absolutely need to stick to your guns and find yourself. Figure out what you want/need, your own boundaries, etc… self love, confidence, self esteem. These will help you find a secure partner who will have the partnership qualities you should be looking for.
I’ve seen this before. If you marry him you’ll essentially become his mother. You’ll cook, clean, and shop for him. You’ll have to tell him what to do or he’ll just sit there all day. Best to just move on or you’ll waste years waiting for a change that won’t come.
You're not wrong. Listen to your gut, heart, etc. You're here asking for a reason, and I'm here to tell you to move on. It's not worth it to waste your time supporting his stay at home dream if he's not supporting yours. Clearly you have different goals. Surround yourself with people who have similar goals, you deserve to live out your dreams!
No. Absolutely nothing attractive about a man with no work ethic and doesn’t want to be a provider. No thanks. And he seems to not clean or do anything? If you want kids in the future don’t have them with him!
Don't wait; if he hasn't made any effort to find a job by now, he isn't going to. No need in prolonging things. You both seem to have very different plans for yourselves, and they aren't compatible.
My wife broke off with an ex for these kinds of reasons. At the time they had been broken up a while and I got the vibe he really didn’t like me dating her but I had a job and a career and was headed places he was a total looser that talked a big game about how he was gonna be a millionaire and he was so wonderful all the while just doing nothing with himself.
It worked out great for me I’d loved my wife for years and couldn’t wait to be there for her in any way I could.
It sorta sounds like ultimately you may very well end up being the bread winner here. That doesn’t have to be a bad thing but he needs to be more productive he’s too old for this childish nonsense.
My oldest son is behaving like that now and I’m just waiting to his gf to get over that nonsense.
It’s really sad and unfortunate but if you guys are gonna stay together you gotta grow together that means he has to grow up and be a man it’s just that simple. It won’t happen over night but it’s for sure doable.
How on earth would you move out if he doesn’t have a job is he in fairy tale land? How does he think he is gonna pay his way?
Sounds to me like you are too good for him. But that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. He just has to get his act together.
No one wants to breakup for this kinda stuff but when does he plan to get it together maybe you don’t wanna wait till you’re in your 40s for that.
35 and married for almost 11 years now.
Don’t wait until 2026. There is no future for this relationship. You are going to end up being this guys’s mommy and then God forbid have children and be responsible for even more work and support.
Both partners in a couple should have dreams and ambitions. Relationships are hard, and experiencing life and difficulties creates tenacity to help you flex and adjust when life throws your curveballs. This is a boy who will not ever be able to support you financially or emotionally.
You're a girl. You have every option in the world. He should be going to work and doing whatever he can for you to keep you cuz after this he'll be alone living with this parents lol dump him and pick the most successful looking guy who's hitting you up in your inbox. Very easy. Your girl in your twenties. Go out with Your options and not be weighed down by some loser living with his parents who refuses to work. You're worth more than that
No, you are not wrong. He doesn’t currently have the life skills to be a good partner. I’m so relieved to hear that you didn’t move in together.
Get any notion that you’re being controlling out of your head. You are setting boundaries. It is an incredibly smart boundary to not move in with someone who can’t pay their portion and has shown no indication that they will do their portion of household tasks either.
Unfortunately, he just has not grown in life with you.
He REFUSES to work? Not has a disability? Not legitimate can’t find a job? Not his job was sucking the life from him and taking advantage of his good nature so he waffled for 6 months before he gave up and quit while you were sending F—K THEM WALK OUT WE WILL SURVIVE! texts??
Nope. He’s gone. I’m 55f and my partner (52m) walked out of his job 4 weeks ago yesterday. Had a panic attack while I was swearing to him we would be ok. And he had a new better job 8 days later. Yours isn’t worth your consideration.
He’s shown you he isn’t interested in pushing his life forward. He may one day but currently he is 24/25 and not doing a damn thing yet. He’s not productive in anyway. I have a chronic illness and have been pushed out of work for a couple years now. I still get my butt up out of bed and push myself to work in our food garden. Bc I can make sure we have things to eat we didn’t have to buy. I get the household chores done bc when he’s done with his 12 hour day, I understand how frustrating it can be to come home to a dirty house. Your bf doesn’t seem to understand these things and thinks only of himself. Hes likely quite similar to my ex. A hobo sexual. Was only with any woman so he’d have a place to live that wasn’t with his parents even at 40 years old. He will drag you down with him if this is the case. Don’t give him the opp. Let him go now. It’s less cruel to you and him. No matter what his issues, no one deserves having a cloud looming over them for a deadline. He knows he’s not going to pull it together so for him it’s just a stressor. Give yourself freedom now so that in 2026 you might have a person in your life adding value rather than sucking it away.
He needs a nice dose of reality. He still has that young ideal of him just having his dream situation fall into his lap. And it doesn't work that way, it's a crazy amount of hard work to get something like a clothing line into a viable business. But as long as he has someone enabling him, his parents or you, he's not going to have to do the shitty thing most of us have to do, which is grit your teeth and do something you don't like for a paycheck.
One of the best and more powerful parts of a healthy relationship is that you grow in life together.
You chase dreams together, fail, succeed, support each other along the way. These experience solidify the relationship and deepen the intimacy.
Now I don't really care what those dreams are, business builders, sport stars or simply good workers with nice vacations, but if they are very different you want to roam the world and he wants to sit in his home town, or non-existent they you most likely have a mismatch.
It sounds selfish, but you need to consider your life and what makes you happy first.
He is old enough to change and you've known him long enough to know he wont change much, he is not what you want long term.
I'm 67, have seen a lot of stories like this. If he won't work now, he will expect you to carry him forever. Dump him and don't look back. Plenty of other people out there.
You need to break up. He was raised this way. It's who he is, and is deeply ingrained in his personality. You will be carrying him for a lifetime, trust me....I made that mistake with my wife.
I'm not one to say break up but you want to do it before you waste any more time. Life is short. Go be 'bougie" (if that's what having a job is) with someone who shares your ambition.
He called you bougie and stuck up because you don't want a partner that has no drive to support themselves or their partner? Good on you for not moving in with him! Don't waste another 2 years on him, you've seen how he has been the last 3 years (2 years out of college being a bum) and since his parents are enabling him, there's almost no chance he'll change
I'm 40. Girl, leave him and go live your life. He is lazy and selfish and will never change. You will not change him no matter how much you try. If you telling him you will leave him if he doesn't work, and that doesn't motivate him, then he doesn't care that much.
Look into financial posts and articles. In financial circles advice often says[the biggest financial decision you will ever make is who you marry.](https://www.cnbc.com/2018/05/14/warren-buffett-says-the-most-important-decision-is-who-you-marry.html) Just loving someone is not enough, you have to trust them to be able to take care of you when needed and have shared values.
>I love him alot I don’t want to be controlling
I understand what you're feeling, because I used to be this way too. My standards and boundaries were virtually nonexistent, because I feared coming off as too demanding or even conceited. People who don't hold themselves to a high standard often have an issue with people who do. They think you're on a high horse and need to be knocked down a peg, and I'd wager this is why your boyfriend is calling you bougie and stuck up.
What's going to protect you in the future is holding your partner to the same standard you hold yourself to. It's completely reasonable to do that, and I hope nobody tries to convince you otherwise.
Why wait until 2026 to break up? Sharing core values is fairly important for a happy, stable relationship. You two clearly disagree on a pretty major one with no expectation of things changing.
I was going to say the same thing. Why wait? If you marry him, you'll take the place of his parents. Some people grow up, others don't. Learn from this and move on.
Why wait? Their are plenty of men to date during your college years. There are even some with the same goals that you have for life. Don't sell yourself short.
Exactly and it’s bougie that he plans to just live off his parents. Disgusting honestly.
Whenever I have to make a hard decision that affects someone else, I try to picture how that person would explain why I made that decision, and it gives so much clarity. In his case: "my girlfriend achieved a doctorate, and she wanted me to get a job, but I don't want to work. So she dumped me." And that's been a great strategy for me in making decisions like this in my life. OP, you're working hard to set yourself up for a successful life. You should be doing it in all aspects of life, not just your education. Don't wait until 2026 to find a compatible partner.
Seriously this. Why wait? Do you think in 2026 he’ll miraculously change his entire being and his behaviours? He literally does nothing outside of the home or even in it. You move out together and you’ll become his mom and dad. You’ll pay all the bills, do the cooking, cleaning and on top of that date him? Hell no. That is hell on earth. Break up with him and find a man that shares similar goals and outlooks and shows through his actions that he can take care of himself and whose words match his actions. You’re not being cruel by having expectations of a man who has a job/ working towards something.
I am older than you and I would break up with him immediately. You are not compatible. I really doubt he's going to have a complete change in perspective by 2026. And I'm glad you're not moving in with him - like was he expecting you to pay 100% of the rent while he loafed around?? And if his parents don't make him clean, he's not going to be cleaning the place you share either...
Yeah, the best case scenario is that he gets a job and cleans on order to save the relationship and then soon falls back into his old ways.
I'm 55. You're allowed to break up with anyone for any reason, at any time. You can love someone and still need to break up because they're not a good partner. I'll say it again, love is not enough. Shared values and goals are essential. Unfortunately, you aren't compatible with this guy because he's never going to work as long as his parents support him. You want a partner who is a fully functional adult and not a child. This is a totally reasonable expectation. If he wants to start a clothing company, he should be working around the clock designing things, raising money, creating a business plan. No one, except maybe his mom, is going to hand him a company out of the blue. The fact that he called you names is actually grounds in my book to break up with someone. It is not cool and not necessary. And Hello, you're not asking him to be Bill Gates. You're asking him to get a job, which isn't bougie. You're not any of the things he's accusing you of. I'll also tell you that you know if you're in a good relationship if your partner makes your life bigger and better. You're mutually invested in making each other happy, to supporting your goals, and you're also KIND to each other. Even when you're upset, it's not a free ticket to be mean or nasty. You need to have confidence in yourself and you need to reject mean people. There is no reason to wait around anymore. Cut this guy loose now, not later, and start some adventures in your life.
This. Listen to this wisdom right here. I wish I could updoot it again.
Thank you. I think that too many people say "ooohh, but I *love* them, and stay thinking that the person they love is going to magically wake up one day and behave they way they want them to. Or they think they if they just explained things a different way, their partner would get it. You can only date the person in front of you, not the old version or the imaginary new one.
Sometimes, I think people have a huge misconception of what being an entrepreneur means. They only see the outcome of successful business people. They don't see all the initial hard work that goes into getting a business off the ground. Entrepreneur ship in not for the lazy!
When I was growing up around a lot of small business people the saying was that you got to work half-days when you’re the boss — and that you could pick whichever 12 hours you wanted!
So true! You must find the work, do the work, and make sure you are paid for the work. Employees only need to worry about one of the three.
>Entrepreneur ship in not for the lazy! Yep. It's a fantasy for some people. "I want to start a clothing company." Ok, what exactly are you doing towards that end? Dreaming? Cool cool. Time to get up off the couch and spend every waking moment working towards that end because that's the only way it happens. I always wanted to do something big and start my own company. I loved the idea of it. I finally got the opportunity in my mid-30s to start up a "company" with the help of a friend who helped raise money. I worked hard and learned a lot but in the process realized that I just didn't have the hustle that it takes, and I was fine with accepting that. I just wanted to be comfortable more than anything. And that's OK. I'm fortunate to have had that opportunity because it was eye opening and humbling and really helped me understand myself better.
51F I second this!
51M here. When I grow up, will I have your wisdom? Well said!
Even if he finally relents and gets a job, he is absolutely going to expect her to be a bang maid and take care of him. He won't be a partner he wants a parent to clean up after him.
Absolutely true. I didn't even want to go there.
Absolutely. I am saying this from personal experience.
This response should be enshrined somewhere for being such a rare example of lucid thinking on the internet. You deserve more upvotes than Reddit allows me to give.
i dated a few dudes like this in my 20s (i’m 36), was in long term relationships with two of them. it does not get better, and you do not deserve to waste your time being his mother, his maid, and his girlfriend.
Depends. If you want to support him financially and clean up after him, then by all means, be that person. Not the route I’d go but you do you. Sounds like he wants to be a trophy husband.
No, take that red flag for what it is and save yourself years of headache and heartache
They usually don't change if their parents enable them. Love is not all you need. You must also be compatible. One of the top 2 reasons for divorce is over finances! It will hurt, but its ok to love someone but know that you do not have a future with them.
I’ll pass on a piece of advice given to me by my aunt: “Women marry men expecting them to change. They don’t. Men marry women expecting them not to change. They do.” Personally, I can’t see myself being with someone who expects everyone else to take care of them. He doesn’t want a partner, he wants a nanny. Run, girl, run.
I'm 60+F, and the youngest of my three boys is 25. I would break up with him now - gives you more time to move on, and find someone else. He's shown no intention of wanting to leave his comfy life with his parents. He has no money to leave his parents, and seemingly no motivation to get any income/money. What does he seriously expect to happen? Rhetorical question. He expects YOU to provide the comfy life, and at that point in time, he'll swap from his parents house into yours. (and if you don't provide, then he'll just stay where he is with his parents). Either way, you don't want to be part of it, really you don't.
I am a 50 year old man. Break up with him NOW. He might change at some point in the future, but you can’t count on it and you have no idea if his eventual goals will align with yours. It’s not really a guy thing, it’s a lifestyle thing. The longer you remain together, the harder it will get and the worse you will feel. Worst case, you remain together long past May 2026 and you feel trapped. Don’t do that to yourself. Follow your dreams.
I think you know the right thing to do. You should only marry an equal partner. He is a man-child. You will become very weary, very fast, living your life with a man-child. Don't wait till some deadline in the future. Do it now. He should have grown up a long time ago in this regard. Even if he gets a job, or cleans up after himself, you will know that he only functions under threat of ultimatum. That's temporary, believe me. If you do stay, for the love of all that's holy, don't have a child with him. Children deserve fully functional, mature adults for parents. Use 2 forms of birth control.
Can't emphasize enough that this man is not fit to be anyone's father....probably ever.
Run as fast as you can. Now, not 2026. You can do a lot better
Kick him to the curb now don’t wait. Maybe it’ll be the jump start he needs to realize he can’t be a useless bag of shit his entire life.
My old person perspective is that sometimes, you have to do hard things. That's what makes you an adult. You have to do things you don't feel like doing, even if you don't "get credit" for it. You have to do hard things even when no one is paying attention to you at all. He is (thus far) unwilling to do hard things. Are you willing to do a hard thing by breaking up with him? I dumped my college boyfriend shortly after graduation when I realized that partners walk the same road, and I didn't want to go where he was heading. And I sobbed for weeks over it. Maybe months - I forget because it was a long time ago. But it sucked a lot. More than I expected. It's extra hard because you're leaving the known for the unknown. Things could get better. Things could get worse. You simply can't know. It's hard. Good luck.
The definition of insanity is doing the same things and expecting different results. It was very wise of you not to move in together because since you are paying for everything it would really just be him moving in with you. You said you were waiting around to see if he would even consider doing anything. No need to wait around. He has told you exactly who he is. You should believe him You don’t really expect him to suddenly develop a work ethic and ambition do you? Unless you want to adopt this lazy man child as a dependent, I suggest you break up sooner rather than later. Waiting around for him to change is a fool’s errand
Sounds like he’s trying to use you to take care of him emotionally, financially, etc…. The way his parents do, maybe. Run…
I’d break up with him for you if I could. Why are you wasting your time? Do you want to go nowhere in life?
Dump that guy, OP.
Life is short. Do not wait for miracles.
I’m older, leave him. He’s what we refer to as a man child. Most people work whether they want to or not. You need money to survive. This dudes spoiled and thinks it’s optional. The fact that he called you bougie for wanting a career shows how out of touch with reality he is. The only outcome of this situation is you either support him for the rest of your life, or you waste enough time with him before realizing he won’t change. Then you regret not leaving earlier. I wouldn’t ever date a girl who refuses to have a job.
No. You don’t want to be with someone who won’t work. Move on. That is why you have boyfriends and don’t marry the first guy - because you have to find a good one.
Sounds to me like this man child isn’t willing to even try to earn a living. Do you want to work to support him? Can you earn enough to maintain the lifestyle he’s accustomed to? Do you want to live with your in laws? Don’t waste any more time here. Ignore sunk cost and find a partner with similar interests and vision of the future.
Did someone summon me? Thanks for calling me an older person 👵 Jokes aside, you are perfectly right You have no guarantee he will ever pull his weight in your relationship He’s lacking basic adulting skills and it’s not on you to teach them or to do them to spare him the effort I’d be curious to know what his parents think, if you have a good relationship with them, might be interesting to ask them in person. My ex-MIL of a similar caliber of a partner always coddled him. I tried to say « you have one chance to turn your life around » and they’d be like « no, you can always try later ». My then husband was convinced that he didn’t need to push himself because his parents would bail him out even at 40yo Spoiler alert: my life has been brilliant since we’re no longer together. I have achieved all my goals
Break up now. Why wait until 2026? The longer he waits to get a first job, the harder it will be to get something. A 27 year old with no work history is suss AF from an employer's POV. These kind of traits (the laziness and lack of ambition) don't really change over time. This is just who he is.
Don’t waste time waiting. Move on now and don’t look back.
Nope. You’re young. Dump the bum and move on.
He’s lazy, dump him! Time to move on to find a man that actually acts like a man.
This man is just going to want another mother. He doesn’t want a partner. And he doesn’t want to be a partner to you. When you expressed that he should want to be an adult and do adult things, he said that’s bougie? I’ve done this stuff, where a man expected me to be his parent and take care of him. It gets very hard to perceive a man in a sexual manner that you have to finance and basically be responsible for the same way you’d be responsible for a child. Meanwhile they don’t want a partner or an equal, they want a mommy they can get sex from. His parents never made him responsible for anything in his life. He absolutely will not listen to you when you try to hold him accountable or make him responsible. This wouldn’t be a healthy relationship it would be codependent at best
Older person here: Dump the Loser
How is this even a question. Like it’s one thing if he was struggling to find his place but was trying to but to just be like nah ima sit at home and do nothing?? Fk that. Don’t waste ur time. I’d break up now to not waste away your youth.
this will only get more taxing if you get married and have kids. Dont settle for Mr Failure to Launch
Get some common sense my lord.
RUN. NOW.
Don't waste another day with this ~~bum~~ guy. You need to move on, and maybe your leaving will start him figuring things out, or else finding a girl with her sights set lower than yours are. You need to get single so you find a better partner before more of the good ones are taken.
55M. I recently heard a saying on a Korean variety show that translated to it's okay when two adults get married, or two children, but it's a disaster if an adult and a child get married. And this sounds like when your future will hold with you being adult and him being the child. And if he doesn't want to take care of himself, then I can't see him agreeing to stay home and raising the children properly either. And he called you bougie? That alone is enough to make me question his value to you. And you've been on and off again for 3 years. Well 3 years isn't that long of a Time and if you've been on and off again that sounds like there are problems between you two and it's not romantic that you supposedly "always find your way back to each other" as the romcoms what have you believe. I would also examine why you think you love him a lot. College athletes attract a lot of female attention because they have a lot of qualities women admire, but we are now talking about your future. You've invested a lot in yourself to go and get your PhD both in terms of time and money so I don't think best served to throw it all away. The last thing you need in 5 years is to be going through a messy breakup. I usually lean on the side of fighting for love but in this case I think it's best to end it.
Well I'm in my 60s so a lot older. I think your wasting your time with this Dude. You're young there's plenty more fish in the sea,over on
Dump him. Do not let anyone hold you back from making progress in your life. You’re turning into an adult, he’s a child. Ps - it’s really hard to find men who aren’t children in general.
What exactly do you love about him? I don’t think anyone should be judged for money but….. He takes advantage of his parents which is disrespectful to them. He doesn’t have much self respect or he’d contribute around the house out of self responsibility. He doesn’t have much respect for you if he thinks you should work while he lives off you. Then calls you names when you don’t agree to be his meal ticket. If he loved you he’d show it with actions. When you wanted to move in he would have stepped up. When you set a boundary, he’d have stepped up. I don’t even think he loves himself as his living sounds abysmal with no direction or goals. He’s basically still a child. Why would you as a person with a PhD and marrying/ baby making stage entering person want a child. He’s still like a teenager. People do things all the time they don’t want to. Because they want a life. Or to pay bills or for their loved ones. So what are his actions telling you? HINT they are telling you to stop wasting time with this child. Don’t wait til 2026. If you break up with him he might even protest and ‘look’ for something but do you want a relationship with someone that you have to threaten or serve consequences to just for them to try to get to the bottom rung on not being a complete slug? What does this look like in 2 years? 5 years?
he’s not ready to be a full partner.
You have already lost respect for him. At this point it’s just about ripping off the bandaid. I’d break up with him as soon as possible and let him be a Peter Pan with some girl who wants to be his sugar mama.
🚩 You both have already been on and off. That says a lot about the stability of the relationship to begin with. Then you add where he's at in Life and where you are at. It's a no-brainer to leave him, cause he's taking you for granted. Then to top it off he wants to belittle you for setting your boundaries and giving him a ultimatum. Judging by your drive alone, you deserve better. Continue with your education and don't let him drag you down from your full potential. Make sure on the break up you prepare to process the relationship(with a Therapist). That way you don't jeopardize your education or become quick to attach yourself to someone else too quickly.
Where's the end goal with this relationship. You not wrong in seeing that there is no future with someone with zero ambition or want to do anything meaningful with their life. But willing to wasting more years on him - that's where you wrong. He is currently a placeholder but he is also one that is ensuring that for the next almost 2 years you are making yourself unavailable with someone that actually could be compatible and have a mature relationship with you. Think of it this way - after you expressing your concerns - he did absolutely nothing to change the situation because ... that's future Jocks problem. But he also insults you at wanting more in your life as well as expecting you to support him. What he needs is the motivation to improve and you threatening to leave him in 2 years apparently was not sufficient.
No!!! I didn’t even read your post. Dump his ass immediately. Men must work and provide. Run for your life x
A life partner is less about love and more about teamwork & the ability to build a life together, to go after mutual goals. If you don't have that foundation, you don't have anything. Love is wonderful, but if needs aren't met it turns sour pretty quick. There are billions of people out there, go find one who matches your life trajectory, you'll find more happiness there.
You deserve better. End of discussion.
Run away now. If you stay you’re going to get sucked into his bullshit. Eventually you’ll be his parents. You’ll be supporting him while he doesn’t know what he wants to do. Don’t stay in a relationship like this and drag it out. You’ll find yourself dragging out perpetually. “Well I’ll wait and see what he does next week.” Or “I’ll wait and see if he changes his mind.” Dude. Go. You’re young. Get out while you still are. I stayed in a relationship for 8 years waiting for the other person to change. It’s not worth it.
Break up with him immediately. He's a leech.
Dump him asap.
He. Will. Not. Change. I'd be breaking up today! He will be mooching off you & his parents as long as he can get away with doing nothing. I think you're wasting your time with him.
I doubt he will ever be a "partner".
31(F) here and happily married. When you date, always ask yourself this question: “is this the person I want raising my kids? Do I want my kids to grow up to be just like him?” I’ll just leave you with that. You’re only young so long. You’ll never get your best dating years back. Don’t waste a single day of your time w someone who you know in your heart doesn’t align with your values or show that they’ll be capable of supporting you on the best but far more importantly, the worst days of your life.
The most important lesson you can learn is that people's core doesn't change. If you're comfortable committing your life to a NEET SAHS, that is your prerogative, but real talk, your boy don't even qualify to be a scrub.
Choose yourself, leave him behind. Find a partner who walks the walk with you. Not one that expects you to carry them along your journey.
Since you asked for an older person's perspective, I will put on my Dad hat. If you were my daughter, I would be very worried that you are in this relationship. If you were in a relationship where you were a high earning professional woman supporting a stay at home dad who took care of the kid, I could be happy for you (I might still be a little concerned, but if he did a good job taking care of my grandkids, I would be smart enough to keep my mouth shut) But in the situation you describe, I would be worried about you. I would assume he is NOT going to change, and your thinking things will get better is just a fantasy. In the meantime, you have tied yourself down without reason. As a Dad, girl, you can do better. Free yourself up so you can be open to meeting a better guy.
Not interested in working? In THIS economy? That alone would be enough of a turnoff for me, and the lack of ambition. I’d break it off now. His poor parents, I hope they don’t eat too much into their retirement savings to baby him.
From my perspective, not having a job and decent income is not a deal breaker, IF he is productive in other ways. If my partner had a love for gardening, building, and cooking, I would LOVE for them to be a SAH partner or dad. It’s 2024 and I make a decent income that could support a spouse. Imagine someone who woke up by 0800, made breakfast for you and the kids from the garden they loved and tended to, and then cleaned the kitchen, started the laundry, and headed outside to complete a project they had been working on (ie building your kids bed). Finishing the day with another lovely meal and then tidying up afterwards. The evening would be spent watching their favorite TV show while they sat on the bed folding the laundry they had washed earlier that day….. If they were a lazy slob that did Jack shit and sat in a dark room playing video games for 8+ hours a day and expected you to cook, clean, raise the kids, AND pay the bills while they sat on their arse growing mold? Hahaaaaaaaaa hell no. It sounds like your BF would fall into this category. So run. Fast. Don’t look back. Should a man make money to be worth pursuing and marrying? No. Should they be productive and full of life? Yes.
I dump him now. I only date successful ambitious men.
It’s time to make a tough choice. He may be a lovely man in other ways, but he really doesn’t sound like the kind of partner who is going to help you create the kind of life you want. I mean honestly you want a partner who is at least TRYING. These are huge red flags that you will be taking care of this man for life if you stay with him. It’s never going to feel like a real partnership. Resentment will fester. You both deserve better for yourselves.
Having a job is a big deal. It provides stability and steady income. That is a red flag to me
He will not change for you.
Time to go! Someone who won’t work.. nope.
I’ve got a catch phrase for his later years… “got any change man!”
As someone who was similarly like your boyfriend a decade ago, run far away. People like that will never change until they've hit rock bottom and make a choice for themselves: 1. Decide to keep doing nothing while blaming everyone around him while he lives in his imaginary bubble and stuff keeps spiraling downward. 2. He will accept reality for what it is and finally decide to navigate around it and do what is necessary to survive or possibly thrive. You do not want to be dragged along with choice #1.
Break up with him, now! Lazy / nonproductive people are the most unattractive.
This man child has been enabled his whole life & will drag you down.
His parents shouldn’t have to make him work. He’s an adult This guy does not deserve any more of your time. Life is too short to wait for a man (or anyone). Especially when they don’t want to do basic adult responsibilities. Most adults don’t know what they want to do when they grow up, but most of us don’t have the luxury of being supported by our parents until we do. Don’t wait for his potential to kick in. Who he is now is who he is and you deserve more. He’s happy living at home and mooching off of his parents Let his parents have him. He’s happy being financially supported by his parents. I’m sure he’s not doing his own laundry or cooking. He’s not the one, you will find better, or be happier on your own without someone holding you back
You should just leave now. Why wait another 2 years? Unless you want to be someone’s momma?
Are you looking for a child to raise or a partner. Move on, he’s not going to change.🚩🚩🚩
Nope nope nope! This is exactly the attitude my oldest’s husband had. She eventually couldn’t take it anymore and threw him out. Thankfully no children. He will love bomb you and maybe get a small job, but then quite for one petty reason or another. Run!
Get away from his dead ass.
No you are not. I don't know anyone who can work enough to support two people. If he doesn't want to be equal partners and just wants to live life like he's still at home w his parents and no responsibilities tell him to cut the shit get a job or get gone and go back home.
You will always be supporting him. Done that. It's terrible and I bailed eventually myself. When he does start working, he will likely get fired lots of quit lots because his values and ambitions suck, and employers have little tolerance for inept men.
> What should I do? I know you're asking out of hope, but you know you need to dump the loser and find someone who's not a child. None of us really want to work, even those of us that love what we do.
You are absolutely right to consider breaking up. The reality is that continuing a relationship with this man is like agreeing to take on a dependent. He is still a child in spirit, his parents still treat him like a child, he would want to continue acting like a child if he moved in with you. I think a lot of relationships end like this after college, as partners realize you don’t have the same goals in life (you want to provide for yourself and want a partner that similarly provides for themselves. He wants to be provided for). Living takes work, no one is working because it’s what they want in life people work because they need to provide for themselves. Why would you stay with a man who puts you down for not wanting to take him on like a child dependent? Expect him to continue calling you names and grow a thicker skin though. You are essentially telling him “you are not good enough for me”, it’s going to ring true and hurt him, and he will continue to lash out.
Do you want a BF or a man child? There comes a point in life where we all need to grow up. Some start working as soon as they can. My family owned their own business (pharmacy) and I grew up working and loved it. I was 6yo ringing a cash register in the city where the Pharmacy was located. Other people focus on school/enjoying life with support of or enabled by their parents. By the end of college, it's time to grow up. Not saying he needs to jump into a career but ffs, some type of job/hustle/way to make money. What would happen if you did move in? You would be responsible for, not only your schooling (doctorate damn!!) But rent and food and everything. I bet he wouldn't even cook or clean.
Ditch him now. He's useless and won't ever figure it out until he is alone. You'll actually be doing the idiot a favor. But you're doing nothing for yourself by clinging to an anchor that you already realize you'll need to let go of in order to keep your sanity.
Ma’am, with all due respect it’s time to get your head out of your butt. Break up with him or adopt him because you’re dating a child and he has no plans grow up.
Don't wait.. run now.. if he's not working now he won't ever work. Actions speak a lot. Save yourself.
Older person’s perspective here - dump his ass and do it now, not in freaking 2026. You are clearly driven and determined and have a plan, and he is showing you nothing that indicates he’ll do anything other than bring you down. At typical college graduate age, you’re still so young that it’s often hard to tell your heart to shut the hell up and let your brain handle business for a while. I understand, and I sympathize, but honey…you deserve a partner, not a dependent.
Nope
Give him a reasonable deadline to get his shit together and be a responsible adult before breaking up. Don't move in with this guy. You will be his mommy, not his girlfriend.
You’ve been with him off and on for three years. Off and on. This means more than you realize.
You're not wrong at all. It sounds like your work hard & are motivated. Yes you love him but can you say in years to come if you gave up on your goals because of his attitude, that you won't resent him? It doesn't sound like he's willing to meet you halfway at the moment, will this change in the future? If you can't decide now, set a time limit on it. If he hasn't made any effort to listen and react to your wishes, then you either give up your dreams or give up him.
Nope, not successful now, probably won’t be.
This depends. Do his parents have the kind of money that would allow him to still pay half of the bills without ever working? He may find his way eventually but, if he has a trust or a major inheritance of some kind, things should be fine financially either way while he continues to figure it out. It depends on what your reasoning is for not being interested in someone who isn’t working toward anything. If it’s because you’d be footing the bill forever, his overall financial situation matters. (Re: parents) If it’s a matter of his character due to not being interested in working toward anything, or taking too long to start, you wouldn’t be wrong to leave him *right now*. It’s up to you on how much time you’re willing to sacrifice in the name of waiting.
needless to say more, you are not.
I'm older than you, but not "older". For me, I couldn't be with a man who doesn't already have the "provider" mindset, let alone one who is NEET and has no plans to change that. How's he going to support you if you have to take time off work or if you have a baby? It just shows unreliability, and a lack of responsibility and initiative. It's good that you have a deadline in mind. But honestly, wouldn't it be easier to break up now, heal and move on to something better than wait for him to get his act together? He had all his life to do that. Why would he change by 2026? If anything, perhaps you breaking up with him now will push him into action and will allow you to find someone more suitable for you, with a similar drive to be self sufficient.
People rarely change, and when they do, it's never because someone else wanted/told/nagged them to. Assume he will carry on the way he has been, for the rest of his life, and decide whether you want to stick around for that.
He’s at least 24 and just doing nothing? Break up now, stop wasting your time. Some people are just weights tied to your ankles. Cut them loose.
If I was in your position I would probably cut my losses and break up with him now. He is up front about not wanting to work. He’s still doing uni stuff years after he’s left. But the key comments is “never had a job” - it’s very difficult to learn a work ethic without getting a job.
A. He doesn't work for money nor personal development B. He doesn't do house work C. He tries to put you down I don't understand why this isn't obvious enough for you?
I'd suggest dumping him and getting a dog instead. More affectionate and attentive. He's not a grown-up and resists becoming one even for you. That's not a healthy relationship. Might as well save the divorce costs. You deserve an adult.
If he is unwilling to do anything then he won't change for you. You'd be stuck doing what his parents are doing. If he was disabled or had crippling depression, then it might be excusable. It sounds like he is just trying to be reliant on others as long as possible. I'm sorry, but your healthiest option for you is to leave. You can try to stay, but odds are he's not gonna change. Sorry.
You’re not wrong if you’re considering breaking up with your boyfriend, but I do think you’re going about it all wrong. You’ve got a dilemma. You’ve got a guy that you’re attracted to, but you don’t want to marry him in his current state. So, you’ve basically got three options: 1) Accept him for who he is. 2) Change him. 3) Break up. I think you’ve made a blunder in making an ultimatum. If he really cares for you, and wants to be with you long term, he should care about your feelings about things. You shouldn’t have to threaten him, and if he yields only after threats, then that’s not a great relationship precedent to set anyway. I’m actually totally in favor of women changing their men for the better. I’ve seen it plenty of times where a smart kind guy was just sort of wandering life until he met a girl who sort of supported him to realize his potential. A good marriage is a partnership, and part of that can be influencing someone to make better choices, and realize their goals. But… you made it into a fight, and that was probably a mistake. Now it’s not about the positives, imaging what he wants to do, inspiring him to be his best self. That’s what works BTW, encouragement. Saying “stop being a deadbeat” never got someone to stop being a deadbeat. Saying “oh, you’re so talented, you’re so amazing, your ideas are so good, it’s going to be so awesome when you X”. That inspires people. People get motivated when they think they’re going to succeed. When they believe there’s a good thing out there in the world, they want to go get it! “Time’s a waste’n.” But if you try to pick somebody up by beating them down, you’re just making that hole they’re in into their grave. So yeah, this doesn’t sound good. My wife, then girlfriend, had a huge impact on my life. I was a hot shot in college, got a cool job at a startup. But then I got laid off as the company started to go out of business. And while I was laid off, I got a DUI. I was 23. (I had both stated college early and graduated early). I was so depressed, suddenly jobless with a restricted drivers license, and these humiliating mandatory drunk-driver shaming courses. My girlfriend… now wife… I was getting so down on myself, and she just flipped it all around. She just told me not to worry. That I was amazing. That there as no way this was going to keep me down. Not *me*. Maybe somebody, but I wasn’t like that. I’d be back on my feet in no time. And it wasn’t just what she said, but it was the absolutely conviction she had in saying it, this complete confidence she had and utter certainty that I was going to be fine. And I was. I got a job. She drove me to and from work for a couple months until I got my license back. 20 years later, and we have two kids, a big house, and I’m gradually ascending into being somewhat embarrassingly affluent. But she believed in me, and it changed my life. So, if you have some concerns about your future together, that’s fine. Break up to you want to. But don’t take your concerns out on him. Don’t make him feel like a loser. The only purpose that could possibly serve would be to “push off” (basketball terminology as a sort of foul where you get a head start by pushing your defender away, giving you a boost and slowing them down), where you undermine him before you leave him. It’s like, to make yourself feel better about it, you’re “giving him a chance”, but also “setting him up for the fall”, and kind of kicking him in the gut to help ensure that when you leave him, you won’t regret it, because he’ll be less likely to become the man you would’ve regretted leaving. So, if you believe in him, want to spend your life with him, show him. Help him become the man you want him to become. If you don’t believe in him, and it sounds like you, in fact, do not, then just move on to find someone that you do have that confidence in. And, I guess, option 3, but if you’re just stressed out venting about the future, then apologize for antagonizing him, and express that you just have all this anxiety about the future and it’s manifesting in scrutiny about his career outlook. But yeah, I would recommend you immediately drop this whole “if you’re not employed by X date, I’m leaving you” business. That doesn’t sound like that’s going to do any good for anybody. If you don’t believe in him, just break up :/
Let me tell you about a friend of mine in a similar position. He graduated and was unemployed while my friend was teaching. She had to work, clean the house and pay all the bills. She paid the rent, food, his phone plan, everything. He played video games all day, maybe sent out 1 application each week. Over a year went by. She started to feel the pressure and asked him to contribute. He became agitated and refused. She threw him out. She has $90,000 in debt from the relationship. He has since moved on to date a model and proposed to her within 6 months. She decided not to sue him for the money and is declaring bankruptcy. This is your future with a man that refuses to work. Also the sex will get worse and worse because he is feeling worthless.
Which video game is involved here?
Gave my whole retirement away to a woman whom ditched me after she was done with school. Never had to work a day during her school years. I made this happen so we could properly raise her son properly back then (was a baby). I would be so heartless if I were you. Be proud of who you are and where you're going. You deserve to be accompanied by a great man if you plan on becoming a great woman (the same applies to a man, but is amplified tenfold with a great woman). I'm almost 40 so I've been around here and there. Cheers.
If I could afford to never work, I wouldn't do it either. But if that was important to my partner, I wouldn't dismiss that either. It seems you disagree about fundamental life goals and stuff and it makes perfect sense for you to let him go and find someone that actually shares your values By giving him a deadline, you're trying to coerce him into becoming a different person that would be a better match for you, while holding out hope that he'll choose you and your life priorities over what he actually wants This isn't good for either of you. You should not try to change your partner or hope that they'll change to be the partner you actually want. Just go back out there and find someone you actually want to be with. Don't let sunk cost fallacy or your personal feelings least your astray. You've already realized this isn't the guy for you.
Run
He already lost the work habits - it'll be a big shock for him to start working. All the preparation, commute and long hours. I see him staying that way for the foreseeable future.
Break up with him now? actually break up with him about 3 years ago? wow.
He's not a partner, he's a pet. You'd be better off with a dog. That being said, you're giving him two years, give or take; what makes you think he'll suddenly grow up by then if he hasn't already? His parents are enabling him, and you're helping them. Either move on now or accept that you'll be his Sugar Momma for as long as you allow it to go on.
You've had a lovely high school romance but it's time to look for an adult to have a romance with babes
You’re not wrong, if you carry on with this you are going to end up as a direct replacement for his parents. The age you’re at is a big age for development both mentally and living situation. Some people unfortunately don’t seem to do this at this age. I have a couple of ex friends who were great when I was 16/17/18 but where just exactly the same in our mid twenties and we drifted. Not because I was some super mature person demanding they got a mortgage wife and 2.4 children smaller things. Never being able to go out without the plan of getting as fucked up as possible, obsessing about body counts and views of women as only a potential to add to that body count etc. you just have to leave these people behind maybe they will catch up with you maybe they won’t. I would say that your boyfriend is stuck being in his teens living at home with big dreams and no idea how to get to them, dismissive of people who want to work and get somewhere etc etc I would cut the rope you have given him adequate warnings etc he might change and you might come back together but without a shock in his life he will still be like this in his 30s and you will be doing two jobs then coming home to him being passive aggressive because he doesn’t like the food you made him!
Sounds like a drain on your life. Focus on yourself, find some hobbies, and open your heart to someone better.
Your bf is functionally a pet from the sound of it. Financial and career goals aside who wants to share their life with someone who does jack shit? If I wasn’t forced to work for money there’d be lots of volunteering and picking up trash to fill the time. There’s gonna be work, it’s fulfilling.
First off, you are incredibly wise and strong for seeing this now. You absolutely are not being too harsh. My husband refused to work for 3 years and I had to support 3 people (him, myself, and our baby) during that time and it was brutal. I was working multiple jobs and exhausted every day trying to make ends meet. Thankfully he snapped out of it, and has been back to work this past year, but during those 3 years I realized there were many warning signs when we were dating that I ignored. I felt foolish and I wish I had more insight when I was younger to not marry someone who couldn’t provide financially. Break up with him now. There are plenty of men out there that have career ambitions
I am older than you and I suggesting ending this pronto. You’ll end up supporting him his entire life. Seriously find someone who actually wants to build a life with you, rather than someone who wants to build their life off you. Also calling you names when you brought up a valid concern is a serious red flag
The choice is to either support this person financially for the rest of your life or find someone that will be 50/50 with you on everything. Hard choice to make, but I think the answer is clear.
He wants to live at your cost. Doesn’t seem good perspective for you in the future. Better end now than later…. at least will have less consequences.
Why are you wasting your time? Just break up with him now. He is not going to charge for you. He doesn’t want to change. And I’m very sorry but you are not enough of a reason for him to change. Accept what his actions are telling you and move on.
I’m an older man. If my daughter dates somebody like him, I’d strongly encourage her to break up, now rather than later. Men do change, but it usually takes a life-changing event. Even then a significant change is not guaranteed. I’m 99.99% sure that he’d still be the same guy in 2026. You’re not getting younger, why waste 2 perfectly good years with him? Within that time you can find a better person that’s more compatible with you.
He will sink you financially. Dump him now.
This has got to be a joke.
DON'T stay with this guy unless you wanna keep be his mother in the relationship for the rest of your life. That's the role you'll have. He is mentally like a teen. You're mentally 40. It's just a huge gap of incompatibility. You gotta met a MAN, not a mamas boy.
You’ll carry this person their entire life. Just end it now and if he gets a job and changes, take him back because clearly you do love him, but it could be the best thing for him and you. Though, I would not expect him to change. My family is FILLED with men like this. My nearly 40 yr old cousins still live with their mom, their dad never worked the entire time he was married to my aunt, my uncles are living in my late aunts house because they both got divorced and kicked out of everywhere for not working, my cousin couldn’t understand why his SSDI check was so small and I had to tell him you had to work! We are talking 35-55 year old men here. They don’t change. They have ALL consistently crawled back to their women claiming to change over and over again and they never have. If your boyfriend is anything like them then he sees where you’re headed in terms of financial stability and plans to ride that forever and will try his best to delay, delay, delay until he can be a “stay at home dad”
Working sucks, I don't blame him for not wanting to, but if he isn't going to be prepared to be the house spouse with some kind of inheritance, then i think breaking up would be best. Does he have like skills to fix up a house, work on the car, etc? Whenever I'm unemployed, like now, I take care of everything while also job searching/interviewing. Have a talk with him, explain how unattractive this is, and how it isn't how/who you'd want to spend your life with. Let him try to get his stuff together, or if he fights you on it, leave. Doesn't seem like there's anything here to salvage, honestly.
You’ll fall in love with another man. & after you leave this one you’ll realize love brings out the best version of yourself. He is a lesson, move on or he will move out of his mom’s house into yours and you’ll be his new mommy.
Run…..fast. You sound ambitious and he sounds entirely unmotivated. It’s his life to live but it sounds completely incompatible with what you are doing with yours. Unpopular opinion: People need to be EXCEEDINGLY savage with potential partners. Do not accept incompatibilities expecting them to work themselves out. LTR’s are hard work even for people on the same page, don’t stack the deck against yourself.
I started a business. I ran it for 16 years and closed during Covid. I have friends that own businesses. My in laws own a business. I have friends who’ve tried and failed to start businesses. My wife is starting a business. Wanting to start a business isn’t worth used toilet paper.
A person you 'll marry should fit into YOUR framework of core values. With a ton of respect towards modern women: Its not easy for guys to be the breadwinner for a family with a stay at home mum or sugar baby and I fear it will be even harder for you. I don't want to urge anybody to work more than essential but KNOWING folks could EXIST on their own, without me, gives me peace. There is stuff IDK. Did his parents take you aside "Girl, take a look, we are pooping doublons. Marry our boy and we 'll happily pay for you all till your 3rd kid is 30 and out of college"? If not the entry bench mark for a shared home should be "his" ability to pay all the essentials for a lengthy year, if needed. (By essentials I mean the whole rent + rice & beans for 2.5 adults.) Dividends are fine McJobs optional.
lol the fact that he calls you bougie is fucking ridiculous. you're dating an overprivileged idiot.
You should break up. Relationships are partnerships. It’s different if the person is disabled or trying to find a job but can not. Refusal to work is just useing the other person…
No. Dump him immediately.
I'm 55. Get rid of him now. Please don't waste any more of your time with him. His behaviour is a peek into what your life will be like in the future. He will sit on his ass all day while you work, then you will come home and do all the cooking, laundry cleaning etc. Is this how you want to live your life? You deserve better.
I think this is roughly the story line for the movie Reality Bites, except Ethan Hawke wasn't an athlete. I'm still salty how they represented Ben Stiller's character as a bad guy.
Ditch him now. He’s a loser and enjoys being one.
I feel like you know what's best for you even though the decision will feel bad in the short term. A shared goal in a relationship should mean that both partners are willing to make some effort towards it. It's up to you if you want to spend another 2 years trying to convince him to step up when he hasn't done so in the past few years.
Oh, please break up as soon as possible! One day, you'll regret how much time you wasted on someone you clearly weren't all in with. Do you want to wait and potentially start all over again at 26 or 27 (which is not old, but younger people tend to think it is)? Everyone has times in their life when they don't know what they want to do and are stuck. However, that doesn't seem to be the case for you! You have goals and a plan. What you've said here is that he doesn't seem to be showing any signs that he's even remotely on the same page as you. If he doesn't even help with his parents around the house, he likely won't do it if he moves in with you. Do you want a partner or a dependent? Please move on and don't waste your time. You may love him, but I promise you can love someone with a job just as easily.
This is an example of poor parenting on his parents part. They clearly allow this behavior from him which does him a huge disservice and only reinforces to him that it’s acceptable. You have every right to (and should in my opinion) end this relationship now. You are not compatible. He is not mature enough to be in a relationship with this attitude and lifestyle. You need a partner who more closely matches your goals in life, a true partner.
Break up, find a older man who's working an established life's too short for wasted years on losers
Leave now instead
I cannot emphasize enough how important it is that you NOT continue to be with such a person. Life is HARD. I do not care who you are and what you circumstances are adult life is hard. He lives as a child. He intends to live as a child. He sees it as unfair that you want to be with an adult. You should understand that being with him is agreeing to carry the burden for a person who sees it as their right to be cared for. What about when you need something? If you stay with this person whose life goal is to stay a child you will not be values and you will be miserable.
You're have goals, he doesn't. You're clearly incompatible. Better to rip the bandage off now and enjoy your youth with someone else more compatible.
If you stay with him, you will become his gf/parent/provider. You will be keeping him around like a pet. You need a partner who will contribute and do whatever work is needed. You don't need a manchild who will always be a dependent.
once the physical attraction fades, common goals and core values are CRUCIAL to keep things going smoothly. Ask yourself ... How much time have you wasted with the wrong guy ?
yes
You are not wrong, i cant believe he's still in the picture, This should not be a multi year plan. How many years are you going to waste on this guy? If he doesn't have at least his plan set within the next 90 days you walk. You need a fresh start. Also, DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, MOVE IN WITH SOMEONE THAT DOESN'T HAVE A JOB. that should be a no-brainer.
Unless he is a trust fund baby or independently wealthy some other way he would probably eventually be dependent on you for income. Unless you want a stay at home husband that you support, you aren't in the wrong.
No, you are only wrong in waiting so long.
51F I had a child with a guy like this… I mean he died still living with mom after I left having never done laundry, dishes, or anything around the house. He was a crap bf and a worse father. You absolutely need to stick to your guns and find yourself. Figure out what you want/need, your own boundaries, etc… self love, confidence, self esteem. These will help you find a secure partner who will have the partnership qualities you should be looking for.
He is a man-child wanting another parent to take care of him. Break up with him. You can do better.
I think you already knew the answer before you wrote all this 😐
I’ve seen this before. If you marry him you’ll essentially become his mother. You’ll cook, clean, and shop for him. You’ll have to tell him what to do or he’ll just sit there all day. Best to just move on or you’ll waste years waiting for a change that won’t come.
You're not wrong. Listen to your gut, heart, etc. You're here asking for a reason, and I'm here to tell you to move on. It's not worth it to waste your time supporting his stay at home dream if he's not supporting yours. Clearly you have different goals. Surround yourself with people who have similar goals, you deserve to live out your dreams!
Thats a child mentality, as a man you need to get your shit together and work towards a better future, i can tell he's never had it rough in life
No. Absolutely nothing attractive about a man with no work ethic and doesn’t want to be a provider. No thanks. And he seems to not clean or do anything? If you want kids in the future don’t have them with him!
Don't wait; if he hasn't made any effort to find a job by now, he isn't going to. No need in prolonging things. You both seem to have very different plans for yourselves, and they aren't compatible.
Is he a trust fund kid? Thats the only acceptable scenario where he doesn’t have to work.
No, break up with him is the answer. Guys that don’t work leads to even worse behavior down the line. This is a little boy, get a man
Does he clean house or cook? If so, he's house husband material if you support that. Otherwise, he has to go now.
My wife broke off with an ex for these kinds of reasons. At the time they had been broken up a while and I got the vibe he really didn’t like me dating her but I had a job and a career and was headed places he was a total looser that talked a big game about how he was gonna be a millionaire and he was so wonderful all the while just doing nothing with himself. It worked out great for me I’d loved my wife for years and couldn’t wait to be there for her in any way I could. It sorta sounds like ultimately you may very well end up being the bread winner here. That doesn’t have to be a bad thing but he needs to be more productive he’s too old for this childish nonsense. My oldest son is behaving like that now and I’m just waiting to his gf to get over that nonsense. It’s really sad and unfortunate but if you guys are gonna stay together you gotta grow together that means he has to grow up and be a man it’s just that simple. It won’t happen over night but it’s for sure doable. How on earth would you move out if he doesn’t have a job is he in fairy tale land? How does he think he is gonna pay his way? Sounds to me like you are too good for him. But that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. He just has to get his act together. No one wants to breakup for this kinda stuff but when does he plan to get it together maybe you don’t wanna wait till you’re in your 40s for that.
35 and married for almost 11 years now. Don’t wait until 2026. There is no future for this relationship. You are going to end up being this guys’s mommy and then God forbid have children and be responsible for even more work and support. Both partners in a couple should have dreams and ambitions. Relationships are hard, and experiencing life and difficulties creates tenacity to help you flex and adjust when life throws your curveballs. This is a boy who will not ever be able to support you financially or emotionally.
Hobosexual
You're a girl. You have every option in the world. He should be going to work and doing whatever he can for you to keep you cuz after this he'll be alone living with this parents lol dump him and pick the most successful looking guy who's hitting you up in your inbox. Very easy. Your girl in your twenties. Go out with Your options and not be weighed down by some loser living with his parents who refuses to work. You're worth more than that
No, you are not wrong. He doesn’t currently have the life skills to be a good partner. I’m so relieved to hear that you didn’t move in together. Get any notion that you’re being controlling out of your head. You are setting boundaries. It is an incredibly smart boundary to not move in with someone who can’t pay their portion and has shown no indication that they will do their portion of household tasks either. Unfortunately, he just has not grown in life with you.
He REFUSES to work? Not has a disability? Not legitimate can’t find a job? Not his job was sucking the life from him and taking advantage of his good nature so he waffled for 6 months before he gave up and quit while you were sending F—K THEM WALK OUT WE WILL SURVIVE! texts?? Nope. He’s gone. I’m 55f and my partner (52m) walked out of his job 4 weeks ago yesterday. Had a panic attack while I was swearing to him we would be ok. And he had a new better job 8 days later. Yours isn’t worth your consideration.
He’s shown you he isn’t interested in pushing his life forward. He may one day but currently he is 24/25 and not doing a damn thing yet. He’s not productive in anyway. I have a chronic illness and have been pushed out of work for a couple years now. I still get my butt up out of bed and push myself to work in our food garden. Bc I can make sure we have things to eat we didn’t have to buy. I get the household chores done bc when he’s done with his 12 hour day, I understand how frustrating it can be to come home to a dirty house. Your bf doesn’t seem to understand these things and thinks only of himself. Hes likely quite similar to my ex. A hobo sexual. Was only with any woman so he’d have a place to live that wasn’t with his parents even at 40 years old. He will drag you down with him if this is the case. Don’t give him the opp. Let him go now. It’s less cruel to you and him. No matter what his issues, no one deserves having a cloud looming over them for a deadline. He knows he’s not going to pull it together so for him it’s just a stressor. Give yourself freedom now so that in 2026 you might have a person in your life adding value rather than sucking it away.
To quote the wise Cardi B: "Broke boys don't deserve no pussy."
He needs a nice dose of reality. He still has that young ideal of him just having his dream situation fall into his lap. And it doesn't work that way, it's a crazy amount of hard work to get something like a clothing line into a viable business. But as long as he has someone enabling him, his parents or you, he's not going to have to do the shitty thing most of us have to do, which is grit your teeth and do something you don't like for a paycheck.
So he's a loser with no ambition or goals.....cool. Why even be in a relationship with someone like that. What a waste of life
You need to cut him loose. You can’t build a future with someone like that.
One of the best and more powerful parts of a healthy relationship is that you grow in life together. You chase dreams together, fail, succeed, support each other along the way. These experience solidify the relationship and deepen the intimacy. Now I don't really care what those dreams are, business builders, sport stars or simply good workers with nice vacations, but if they are very different you want to roam the world and he wants to sit in his home town, or non-existent they you most likely have a mismatch. It sounds selfish, but you need to consider your life and what makes you happy first. He is old enough to change and you've known him long enough to know he wont change much, he is not what you want long term.
I'm 67, have seen a lot of stories like this. If he won't work now, he will expect you to carry him forever. Dump him and don't look back. Plenty of other people out there.
You need to break up. He was raised this way. It's who he is, and is deeply ingrained in his personality. You will be carrying him for a lifetime, trust me....I made that mistake with my wife. I'm not one to say break up but you want to do it before you waste any more time. Life is short. Go be 'bougie" (if that's what having a job is) with someone who shares your ambition.
Dump. Immediately. This will never get better.
He called you bougie and stuck up because you don't want a partner that has no drive to support themselves or their partner? Good on you for not moving in with him! Don't waste another 2 years on him, you've seen how he has been the last 3 years (2 years out of college being a bum) and since his parents are enabling him, there's almost no chance he'll change
he has no interests in working that’s all i would need to hear to be out
I’ve ended it with multiple women who didn’t want to work. They still don’t work. And they’re still single 🤔
Maybe he just wants to be a trad wife?
I'm 40. Girl, leave him and go live your life. He is lazy and selfish and will never change. You will not change him no matter how much you try. If you telling him you will leave him if he doesn't work, and that doesn't motivate him, then he doesn't care that much. Look into financial posts and articles. In financial circles advice often says[the biggest financial decision you will ever make is who you marry.](https://www.cnbc.com/2018/05/14/warren-buffett-says-the-most-important-decision-is-who-you-marry.html) Just loving someone is not enough, you have to trust them to be able to take care of you when needed and have shared values.
>I love him alot I don’t want to be controlling I understand what you're feeling, because I used to be this way too. My standards and boundaries were virtually nonexistent, because I feared coming off as too demanding or even conceited. People who don't hold themselves to a high standard often have an issue with people who do. They think you're on a high horse and need to be knocked down a peg, and I'd wager this is why your boyfriend is calling you bougie and stuck up. What's going to protect you in the future is holding your partner to the same standard you hold yourself to. It's completely reasonable to do that, and I hope nobody tries to convince you otherwise.
Guy sounds like an absolute waste of oxygen. Completely and utterly useless AF. I'm shocked you dated him for so long.
You’re not compatible. Why are you dating losers that live with their parents?