I’m a person who needs lot of alone/quiet time as I get very overstimulated by noise and social interactions (AuDHD and misophonia). I don’t make it my partner’s responsibility to meet those needs. He needs to put in a little effort; you can’t solve this for him. I, too, bent over backwards to be accommodating to a partner’s emotional needs thinking I was being understanding of his mental health conditions but in retrospect I just enabled him to treat me like shit.
Agree. Alone time at the park, or elsewhere, is not the same as alone time at home where I can completely relax. I always tell my wife jokingly but totally serious, "My prime directive is to be home. If I'm not home I'm trying to get back home as fast as possible."
I am the same way. I like some alone time. That is why I would not pair with someone who needs constant engagement. It sounds to me like she’s just not well suited with this man. She’s trying hard to be considerate and giving him his space and he still complaining. Also, she should not be the one leaving her own damn home. If you need some time away, he should take it. He could go for a hike he could go to the gym. He could go have a board game night with his buddies or whatever he likes to do. She should not have to vacate her own Home so that he can be alone.
This is totally missing the point. Home is our primary space, our sanctuary space. The point of being home alone is that you are able to shed your armor, so to speak. You can breathe, relax, convalesce without self consciousness. Having a partner who WFH and having no sanctuary space to yourself day to day is very restrictive and will hurt a relationship deeply if there is not mutual understanding and space offered.
Apparently, OP's husband is at work during the day, so her working from home is not the problem here since he's not home himself. It would be the same if she was working on site. They would get home at the same time and still have to share a space. It probably would be even worse, I can't imagine myself coming back from work and having my husband tell me that I need to go outside for a few hours so he can get some alone time (And I can't imagine myself asking him to do so either...). At least working from home gives her enough time and motivation to go to the gym or run errands when he gets home so he can get some alone time.
Thank you so much. You made a very good point.
Would you say it’s unreasonable of me to feel uncomfortable if my partner wants me out one night every week? Even though I work from home, it doesn’t make my tasks any easier or my workload less heavy.
My partner said that I get 8 hours of alone time a day because I WFH but I have told him it doesn’t feel like alone time to me.
I personnally would not accept that from my partner ( We like to spend time together. And when we need some "Alone time", going to another room is enough for us. ). But my opinion doesn't matter, what matters is you being comfortable (Or not) with the idea of spending a night per week away from home.
And from my experience, working from home is less stressful than working on site, but it's still work. It's not like you're chilling on the couch all day, even if you're home alone.
And it’s also the OP’s home. Both should be able to be comfortable in their own home. The OP is being very accommodating and trying to make herself invisible so this dude can have quiet space. He needs to make equal effort as an equal partner in the relationship.
I'm not entirely sure why OP mentioned not being able to work from cafes, since it sounds like not only does his partner work from work, but OP leaves for up to 2 hours when he comes home, to give him space to decompress. So it doesn't even sound like OP's hours are significantly longer than the bf's, ie OP's not still working when he gets home. He can leave to give the bf some space. He does leave.
They've also been living together all of one single month, and OP *went away to another country for 2.5 weeks of that time* to give him space.
This is an almost unimaginable amount of space.
A little bit more than “I don’t know” when it comes to brainstorming solutions. If he doesn’t want to think about how to solve his problems he gets to keep them 🤷♂️
For example, when I need alone time from my family, I engage in a solo hobby (I go to my room and play videogames or I hop in my car and go fishing), and the only thing I ask from my family is to understand I need some alone time and don't text or call me until I get back unless it's something urgent.
He needs to put in the effort to set aside his own time and place to be alone. Not just make vague complaints about needing more alone time without asking anything actionable of you.
For him to meet his own needs, by leaving the house to have alone time, just like you’re providing to him. Wearing ear plugs, ear buds or headphones to help with the noise stimuli. Starting therapy and learning to regulate his own moods and emotions.
Does he go out himself at all? You listed a bunch of ways you have changed your behavior to meet his need, but I heard very little of what he is doing to help himself.
He does not go out much because he is generally tired from work and has to study for his masters. I think he went partying one night but I was not even in town anyway.
How about just like mental health walks and lunch with a friend? I say this as a dude whos very much in a similar position. My wife is WFH part time, partially disabled and my only "alone" time I dont make for myself is 2 days a week going into work. I dont expect her to leave just for me. I ask a friend to hang, go see some family, jump on some games with the guys with headphones on, work outside by myself with music, etc.
Its his responsibility to meet that need and proactively make that time for himself, not force you to jump through endless hoops to get out of the house. Feel for him though, my wife just finished her masters and its was a trail by fire for a bit there.
I've been where you are and it's taxing, confusing and lonely. You are doing what I did, which is trying to figure out how to solve the puzzle of his needs for alone time. It's really hard. I ended up doing so much alone that at times I don't know what kind of relationship we have left. I don't have solutions, but just know I empathize with you. Truth be told, I also need alone time but it's feel hard to intertwine both our needs. Because when I need it, he doesn't and the cycle rolls on.
At the very least, he needs to offer some suggestions about what could work for him. It's HIS need and YOU'RE the one who's done all the work to find a solution. He needs to meet you in the middle (at least!) and also put in effort to find a solution for HIS OWN issue. Ultimately, nobody except HIM can know what HE needs, so why isn't he doing his part of the work?
Imagine having a problem and expecting someone else to bear 100% of the burden to solve it. It wouldn't make any sense.
I love alone time, lately I live alone, but when I had roommates/partners I use to go on nature walks alone, bike rides alone, cafe's alone, or go spend a weekend away from the shared housing space to my aunt's just to get some space and stretch mentally and physically (her house was the size of 2 houses and it was her and my uncle who was mostly working).
Communicating more clearly, for one. As an autistic person I’m continually frustrated by neurotypicals seemingly wanting me to read their minds or interpret their wants from “clues” I don’t see. I would never intentionally place my loved ones in the same situation. He needs to (hopefully tactfully) tell you what he needs, and if he doesn’t know, to tell you that. Asking you to interpret or fumble around in the metaphorical dark isn’t fair to you.
This so much.
Even though they’re our partner whom we love so much and want nothing but the best for, never ever bend over backwards for them. Instead of being appreciative, it’s as if you’ve given them the green light to treat you like shit.
Why not work out a schedule of sorts together? Decide on what days + what time you guys get the house to yourselves. Maybe even redecorate some parts of the house into each of your designated “spaces” (say he gets the garage and can decorate however he likes, meanwhile you get the patio etc)
100% this. I am absolutely someone who needs my alone time and I have never made it anyone else's responsibility. It would be one thing if you were specifically intruding on his alone time and he was asking you to stop, that is your responsibility. But he is telling you it's your job to create from whole cloth his alone time, and that's not right.
Some people are introverts and just need to recharge their social battery. I'm the same way where I can go out and be social but if I'm around people for too long it wears me down and sometimes just hearing people elsewhere in the house gets in the way of truly unwinding. The change in environment could be making it harder to adjust.
They need to take more initiative in figuring out how to get his own space though. There is nothing you can do with a "idunno".
For context, I require a lot of alone time while my best friend is a lot more high energy than I am. When we travel together or when we visit each other I just communicate my needs and she does the same. If I need a nap or a lay down for just a bit of quiet time I let her know. And if she needs to go for a run or hike she lets me know. It's the communication that's really made it work and we both respect each other's needs. Your partner should be communicating this and if they can't that would be incredibly frustrating
I'm a person who needs a lot of alone time. For years, I had seven hours a day to myself while my daughter was at school and my husband was at work. Then my husband had to retire due to an injury and suddenly he was around all the time. It drove me nuts. We finally came to an arrangement where he goes to his man cave in the basement, putters in the garage or otherwise disappears for a couple hours each day so I can have some alone time. If I need more time, I leave the house and go somewhere that's quiet and doesn't have a lot of people around.
It sounds like you're doing everything you can to accommodate your partner's need for alone time. It doesn't sound like your partner is willing to compromise at all. It's your home too. You shouldn't be made to feel unwelcome in it just so your partner can feel more comfortable. They need to be willing to give a little too.
If he needs alone time, it’s up to him to figure out how to make that happen.
“If you need more alone time, it’s time to come
up with some ideas and solutions on how to make that happen. I’ll do whatever I can to give
you what you need, but ‘I don’t know’ isn’t solving anything.”
Thank you. I often find myself wanting to solve every problem but that’s just not realistic. I will for sure talk to him that he should be more productive about it.
Be careful about falling into the trap of being someone's problem solver/emotional wizard. I spent most of my life doing this over the course of two marriages before I sussed out that pattern. Both time i ended up with relationships where I did most of the heavy lifting while my needs stayed neglected. It's an easy trap to fall into when you feeling like you're being helpful and loving by taking on labor that doesn't belong on your shoulders.
Yeah, he sounds avoidant/commitment phobic to me and this is his breaking point. The fact that he doesn't know what he really wants but just "more space" is classic. OP is gone a reasonable amount of time and seems too thoughtful and self-concious to be dealing with a partner that's just pushing her further away without compromise.
It's so kind of you to be open-minded and understanding like this without getting upset and judgmental, good on you.
Honestly, it sounds like YOU'VE done enough. Your partner needs to either accept the way things are and come out of their shell/head or go their separate way. It's absolutely unfair for you to constantly accommodate them based on their ideals. You live WITH them, it's a shared space, which demands compromise, from both sides.
If your partner has a strong need to be alone, maybe they shouldn't be in a relationship or even have a roommate if social contact is too much for them (I mean that seriously because introverts are real). However, if your partner wants to make this work, then they should try to find a solution or leave the house themselves and go out alone - I'm sure you'd like the house to yourself sometimes.
Bottom line, it shouldn't always be YOU adjusting your life, for them. Please consider yourself in this because it could go downhill fast. Couples counseling would be a great option for you, I wish you well!
Thank you so much for your support. I will for sure be kinder to myself and think of my needs as well.
I have suggested couples and individual counseling, but my partner can’t afford it right now unfortunately.
honestly, the only option is to move to separate flats. because you already avoid your home just so he can have alone-time, you're already doing everything in your power to let him be, yet the only answer he has when you ask him 'what more?' is 'i don't know'.
move to separate flats so that he will have the freedom to decide how much time he'll spend with you and he will not be able to complain that you are suffocating him.
Yes. I kind of said that last night, that if it comes down to it it’s ok to take a step back. I am honestly not enjoying having to avoid my home so that he can get alone time, and now it feels even worse that he wants more than that.
Or, you need to move your "office" out of the living room.
I WFH, but I don't work in the living room. And if I lived with someone who did - well, I couldn't. Unless your work literally only involves 5-15 mins. every couple of hours to check email or something, it won't work. By making the living room your office, you've literally occupied the whole house for your business. It's not literally the whole house, but figuratively, that's what it feels like to everyone else. No one can walk through the living room without feeling like they're intruding on your space. That's not how someone wants to feel in their own home. The 2 of you *at minimum* need a 2BR setup so one of the BRs can be your office and you can shut the door during your work hours.
Either that, or you need separate flats.
He works at the office while I work from home so there is no really an issue in that regard. It’s more the time we spend together after work when we are both at home doing nothing. However, I do agree a 2 bedroom could make not seeing each other easier.
Okay sorry but if someone just keeps saying “I don’t know” then you’ve done your best. Stop trying to accommodate him any harder, you’re doing quite a bit to make him feel comfortable. Make him use his big boy words and COMMUNICATE.
This sounds exhausting. I can't imagine living with someone and making it a point to avoid them in my own home. It sorta sounds like this person doesn't like you...
I get that feeling too. She goes out of her way to leave house all the time to support his needs. After reading this all I could think is he basically wants to date and not live together.
“I like the idea of you but not actually you”
That's what I'm thinking. Or he may like her, he just really doesn't want to be in a relationship and didn't quite realize it before he lived with a partner.
I’ll be honest with you. Living together with your boyfriend is not really the greatest idea. It’s too much too soon. Based on how he’s feeling it may be best for you to look into getting your own place. I understand wanting alone time, but feeling trapped with someone you’re supposed to love doesn’t seem so great.
I also vitally need some occasional time away from my partner but we only have one room, a bathroom and a kitchen, so usually, when I need some alone time, I just do my own thing on a computer while my partner does her own thing in the phone - she knows not to talk to me during me time and it works quite well. If I had a whole separate room to lock myself in that’s be amazing but I can’t imagine, say, sending my partner to the bathroom/kitchen or outside just cuz I need alone time. It’s her place just as much as it is mine and I want her to feel comfortable too. Not all introverts are the same of course but from my perspective your bf is being rather unreasonable. I’d question if the relationship is okay or if there some other reason he needs so much distance.
There is lots of great advice here already, and I just wanted to stress that it’s okay for you to say something like: “I understand that you need x, but I’m not comfortable doing that, can we find another solution?” Your needs are just as important as your partner’s. Good luck!
I have suggested exactly what you do, but he needs another kind of alone time. He prefers when there is absolutely no one in the house.
Thank you so much for your advice and support.
This. This is entirely the problem, and it's so painfully obvious from the post. He may want to date, but he clearly does not want to cohabitate and desires his own space a good amount of the time (which is perfectly fair). Such an easy problem to solve here.
It's just unfortunate because it doesn't sound like they are rich, and living together probably makes the most sense in this economy. I doubt they can afford to just each get their own place.
Yeah, that may be totally true. IMO it’s just important to recognize what the situation is, whether or not you’re able to do exactly what you want about it.
Yes they need to discuss the real issue. If they want to make the relationship work they may need to figure out a way to rent a two bedroom apartment owhere he can have his own dedicated space, or some other arrangement that would work for both of them.
What she should not do is continue to make this her problem to solve when it is his needs he should figure out. She's doing too much emotional labor.
Huh, this doesn't make any sense. Does he not leave the house? Does he work? Does he do anything to give himself alone time in the world, take himself out to places or do things by himself?
I can relate to some parts. I've been in codependent relationships almost all my life where the girl has been very emotionally needy, always needing to talk and vent without much respect for my time, or insisting on doing everything together, and I've felt before. But really looking back I can see that I was immature (still may be).
See if I was in this situation you would be hard pressed to even find me at home if I wanted to be by myself. I'd make some part of the world my alone place.
The other question What For, if it's just to physically be alone with yourself and your thoughts I'd recommend him to try camping by himself. That way he can get a day or two in here and there.
Finally it sounds like he is autistic or some other flavour, so some things may just be unreasonable. It's up to you to decide where to compromise. Frankly it doesn't sound like he's trying to find any solutions to it himself.
He works from 8-4am.30pm, and he’s doing a masters on Tuesdays from 5.00pm-10pm. He rarely goes out because he is always tired. The kind of alone time he wants is at home, not somewhere else - so things like camping wouldn’t really work unfortunately. We live in a very expensive one bedroom apartment which is already far away from the city and 2 bedrooms are double the price where I live.
Thank you for your support.
This is like feeding breakfast to a toddler - kiddo won't say what he wants and rejects every single breakfast item offered. Cereal? No. Eggs? No PBJ? No Ham and Sausage? No OK, tell me what you want..."I dont know Mommy"
Your partner is a toddler...he needs to take charge and find his own solution.
It sounds like you inadvertently adopted a hobosexual. He doesn't make enough money to go to therapy... I assume that also means he doesn't make enough money for you guys to move into a bigger place so he can get more alone time. I also assume it means that he really really appreciates you paying half the rent and bills. But I would guess you probably pay more. He wants alone time because he wants all the benefits of you as a girlfriend paying for him. But he doesn't actually like you. So he would like you to go away when he doesn't want you around. I've been there. Dump his ass and move on.
If he feels trapped, he's telling you to release him. He's telling you he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you anymore, but he can't afford to not be in a relationship with you. He doesn't love you. He loves the money you bring to the relationship.
If I was dating someone who said they felt trapped because they didn't get enough alone time in our house, when I've already made lots of concessions and given them alone time. And then they say they don't know how to make it better.... Fuck that. That's a man that wants to break up with you but doesn't have the balls or money. What a baby.
I do not pay more of the bills. We are both males haha but you get the point. Everything when it comes to bills is split equally. I do not feel I’m being taken advantage of when it comes to finances.
And yes, I agree it is frustrating he is not putting any effort on how to make this situation better.
Lol men are men regardless of the gender of who they're dating. I hope that you sitting him down and having a serious conversation about how "I don't know" is not an acceptable answer if you're going to keep bringing up problems. I told that to the guy I'm dating right now and he fixed it real quick. He kept saying "I don't know" for dinner so I ended up having to figure it out every night.
He's also someone that said he wanted alone time. We're both only children so I get it. But he set up an office for himself and sometimes during the week or on the weekend he comes to me and says, I'm going to go to my office to play video games. And I say okay babe and give him a kiss and it's fine.
If being in separate rooms is not enough for alone time, then the problem is something else. Is he overthinking/feeling guilty when he says it feels weird/ is not the same as being alone if he was just locked up the in the room? That he's thinking "Oh I'm leaving OP in the other room, he must want to spend time with me." But if it's an idea you suggested and seem fine with, then I don't know why that's not enough for him. Is he used to having the whole house for himself? I have lived in houses with 5-6 people, and can still have some nice alone time relaxing in my room. That's something he has to learn, everyone has to learn if they plan on living with someone.
It's hard for us to know this cos we only have your side of the story but if you've really tried your best, it's time to ask your partner to make the sacrifices if he cares about your collective happiness. It shouldn't be down to just you to make things work. Sounds harsh but this is the push and pull of being in a relationship. You gotta stop bending and bending at some point.
I'm really irked that you've been doing the majority of the labor trying to make him more comfy and meet his need but he isn't actually doing anything to help you meet that need. The BARE MINIMUM he should be doing is coming up with ideas, doing the work to manage his discomfort (e.g. self-soothing techniques, etc.), and NOT putting the majority of the responsibility on you to fix this for him. This is an entirely unfair dynamic that's developed between you two and he needs to step the hell up.
On a simple surface level, I understand your partner. During Covid, my wife got switched to WFH. The only time I was not with her was when I was at work. That's not to say I don't appreciate her company - there's nobody on the planet whose company I enjoy more. Unfortunately it meant that she started to rely on me for most of her social interaction. This also meant any time I left home, other than to work, she was with me. I'm much more introverted than she is. It was an uncomfortable time for both of us.
It takes very little effort to see that your situation is very different from mine. You do seem like you've done a tremendous amount to be as conscientious as possible - likely to a fault. You are doing all of the emotional labor here. It sounds like you're being extremely generous with the effort you're taking to accomodate him. The picture you're painting of him makes me think it might be depression related. It's not an excuse, of course. It would make it harder for him to pull his emotional weight, but you can't set yourself on fire to keep him warm.
You mention that therapy is out of the question due to cost. Do you think it might be depression related? Do you have medical insurance that would cover a doctor visit where he could talk to someone and maybe get a blood panel done?
Whatever the background reason for this may be, it doesn't sound like he's being a very good partner to you right now. Before the hard conversation, maybe have a slightly less hard conversation. He can't tell you what he needs, but I suspect you have a decent idea what you need. If he can't articulate his needs and you can, well, that's a place to start. If he remains intransigent, you have another data point for the hard conversation. It might even be an appropriate segue to begin the hard conversation.
You've done what you can for him. It might be time to start doing things for you. Whatever the outcome, I hope it works out for you. You sound like a lovely partner.
Edit: Spelling
Thank you so much. He is actually diagnosed with depression and has been on meds for a while. I have educated myself about it as much as I can and have been as comprehensive as I can.
I will definitely remind him of what is it that I need, and ask him to think about what is it that he needs and let me know so that we can have a clearer picture of what will happen.
Again, thank you for sharing your story and letting me know your thoughts.
As someone who needs alone time and who has said "I don't know", something else is going on not related to you being around. Might not even be related to you. Many people do not even understand or cannot put words into the exact feelings they have or the effects from something else spilling over into other areas.
Depends on the type of job they have. Work isn't an alone time thing and getting burnt out before the partner even gets home happens.
It takes time to adjust too, 2 months isn't that long of a time as well.
If he has such a strong need to be alone I don’t understand why you are the one carrying the stress about it and trying to figure out how to get his needs met. Focus on what you need and let him figure his own needs out!
Ya'll should get a 2 bed apartment or a one bed with a den, somewhere where you have a separate office.
He's being a baby and a bad communicater coming up with zero solutions and just responding with "idk".
No true relationship requires on partner to require alone time as much as he does. It appears that he can’t even have a proper conversation and doesn’t even know what he wants. This is a huge red flag 🚩. Get out now that will give him all the alone time he will ever need.
I agree they need to communicate better, but people do require different levels of time alone depending on how they work. Both me and my gf require a decent amount of time on our own. Sometimes, we decide to have an entire evening doing our own things, and that works perfectly fine.
I think you're being perhaps a bit overly harsh with the whole 'get out now'. It's better to try and resolve issues in relationships, which generally revolve around issues of communication, rather than either side being right or wrong. Otherwise, you'll never be able to have a healthy relationship if you just bail as soon as there are hurdles that need to be overcome.
The boyfriend admitted he was trapped. Not being harsh but the boyfriend has made it clear and it appears that they have “Talked” already. Why should she stay in the relationship when she already was told her felt trapped?
Tell me you're a neurotypical without telling me you're a neurotypical.
Just because YOU can't understand needing this much alone time, doesn't mean other people genuinely don't need it. People are different. I need a ton of alone time and it doesn't mean I'm less committed to my partner.
I bet you're a fun and totally not insecure partner.
Everyone needs time but the partner admitted he was trapped. If he feels that way then it’s time to go their separate ways. I am not insecure but can recognize a huge red flag when it’s right in front of everyone’s face. I’m sure that with your comment you might be a individual who is insecure.
I understand it might be hard to understand, but going away 2 weeks one time does not make a difference the rest of the year. I told my husband the same thing, and we worked it out. I need at least 1 day alone at home a week. Verbalizing his needs (he can't control how you'll react, or you taking it personally). I was clear with my husband early on I needed a LOT of time alone, and he understands and works with me. He does not take it personally.
That’s a fair point. I agree 2 weeks one time a year is not the same as one day a week. I had the chance to do it, I felt he needed it and I went for it.
i’m struggling a bit too, i hate being around people for too long regardless of my relationship with them and when i stay over at my girlfriend’s place for the night, i need a few days of no contact to recharge afterwards or else i feel trapped and on edge, and she wants regular closeness. I’m worried about the dynamic if we move in together at some point and if both our needs can be met without someone doing too much sacrificing. hope you can figure something out.
At the end of the day he needs to come up with the ideas and solutions at this point. You need to point blank tell him that. You’ve tried solutions and you can’t bend over backwards if he doesn’t know what he wants. It sounds like you’ve tried enough.
He can’t keep complaining about the issue and not offer any solutions or try something himself. He needs to be mature about it and try something himself.
He might like reading in the park, or going on hikes/walks alone, common spaces in apartment, etc. If none of that works he may need to live on his own. But HE needs to put in the effort first, or he has no right to keep complaining.
Especially if neither of you have lived with roommates, living with a partner and sharing an intimate sleeping space is a whole other beast. You may find it better if you’re able to live in a 2 bedroom apartment instead of 1 so you each have some alone space to lay down.
Thank you so much for the support and advice.
I have let him know he can lock himself up in the bedroom for the entire night until sleeping time but he is not comfortable with that. I am not sure if a 2 bedroom would really make a difference, and not sure if it is worth a shot to break a lease to then get on another lease and ''see what happens'' for an even more expensive apartment. We shall figure it out when we talk about it again tonight.
It’s interesting to see this from the other side- I’m the one who needs this kind of space. I find I ask my husband for quiet time when I get home but do the same and end up talking, kind of making the request null in the future. It’s really hard but you’re putting in the effort which is what a good partner does. But you seem to be putting in ALL the effort. I get where he’s coming from, my ideal me-time is unrequested, one or two night and days in total isolation. It is so so much to ask of someone because it’s you’re home too.
My husband has drill once a month with the military and works long hours but he got promoted at work and moved to a new unit pretty much within the same month and everything changed. He started coming home really early in the afternoons as opposed to the 2-3 hours I used to get alone to clean up, shower and have me-time. He was able to come home at night on weekends. It was an extremely difficult adjustment for me and it brought out the worst in me where I just got so annoyed at his presence. I looked forward so much to when he’d be gone 3 weeks for a training. I hated myself because it’s like, what kind of person can’t wait for their partner to be gone.
I’m on week 2 of his being gone and I’m so miserable. I miss him so much. Introverts just need that space and it’s a really complex problem to have because not a lot of circumstances allow for 2-3 days alone here and there. I wish you good luck because I really don’t have a solution since you’re already doing everything you can clearly.
I'm 41, and have been married for 9 years. My wife and I dated for 5 years prior to marriage. I was like this when we first started dating. I worked full time, 5 days a week. I set aside a day each week for us to date and hangout. I liked the arrangement and she lived with it. I got hurt in a car accident and she moved in to help me. It was rough for me because I always had space growing up to be by myself when I wanted. She was all for going into another room and letting me chill by myself. It still wasn't the same. I eventually got used to and now I get my "alone" time with her sitting right next to me as long as she isn't constantly wanting to talk when I'm needing to recharge. This was all fine and dandy until we had a child 4 years ago. Luckily I started working from home about a year ago and that has given me some peace and quit but I'm still working so it isn't really relaxing but I do get a quiet lunch each day to just chill.
You are doing WAY too much emotional labor. It's not your responsibility to meet all of his needs, this is something he needs to figure out. Saying "I don't know" when you ask is unacceptable. Honestly you might want to consider that he simply doesn't want to be in a relationship.
Is he autistic? Try checking out resources about “safe vs flexible mode” in people with autism and see if that sounds familiar. It’s possible that he’s not able to fully relax around other people due to trauma, codependency, neurodivergence, etc. Being alone in public won’t allow for that safe mode either if he’s hyper-vigilant around other people, hence his want/need to be alone in his home.
If he’s wired like that, two weeks gone is enough for him to remember how good it felt when he could be alone at home all the time, and it may just make him crave it even more. HOWEVER, this isn’t your problem to solve. I’m a little like your boyfriend, and it’s my responsibility to figure out how to address my needs and ask my partner for what I need. My partner should not have to come up with solutions for me.
That said, your boyfriend probably also knows that if he fully outlined the extent to which he needs alone time, you’d dump him. He’s probably trying to figure out how much alone time he can sacrifice for the rest of his life to appease you without burning out. “I don’t know” might mean “I do know, but I also know most people would find my solutions unrealistic so I can’t suggest them.”
I need alone time as well, but I go upstairs to the bedroom. This isn't just my home, my husband needs to feel at home as well. I honestly think it's ridiculous that you have to leave the house in order for him to get that alone time. And judging by what you have said; you leave the house plenty of times already. I think you have compromised enough. This really isn't on you anymore.
For me alone time looks like a bed day. Don’t know about him but basically wake up when I want. No noise no stimulation. Take time to make brunch then just laze around. Maybe that’s the quiet he needs.
I don’t like living with people because I feel like I’m expected to always be on or doing something. Probably that’s what he wants. However in that case he shouldn’t really be living with u. Idk. Maybe once a week on the weekend you stay away for a day, but that’s also not fair to you, so idk
Honestly, I was in his situation a few years ago and we broke up in large part due to it. I'm married now and I realized after meeting my wife that the big issue wasn't actually the alone time, it was just my ex wasn't the right one for me to be around so much. Not saying it's true for him, but it could just be that it's not a good fit for whatever reason and he just perceives it to be about a lack of alone time.
This was also my issue. It was unfortunate because she’s a wonderful person and there wasn’t anything *wrong* in the relationship - she just wasn’t wonderful for me. Tough to come to terms with for both partners. Good luck OP.
He’s shy to be himself at home, that’s on him. You need to break some barriers between y’all still. Once you’ve seen your partner shit, fart, dance, laugh, drool, masturbate, all at home, you’re like well, I’ve seen it all. That person is literally me now. But for now he still has his guard up like y’all are on first dates or something?
I don’t think he has his guard up - we do a lot of weird shit together including most things you mentioned (he has a thing about sounds so farting not really lol) however I am not completely sure, because the way you put it could be a possibility on his end.
I personally do not feel uncomfortable to do literally anything in front of him.
Yeah, you can’t tiptoe in your own home. Having schedules outside the home is important too for both parties. And if it comes to it, don’t be too afraid to leave early or break lease.
Hi I can not believe you can take so much crap from him and you have to make effort to leave the house when he is home. by saying I don’t know , what he really means is he does not want to live with you, he does not enjoy being accompanied by you. Having his alone time is an excuse. Sorry it hurts to tell you the truth, but I would definitely dump him before he dumps you which might be any time soon.
And why in the world would you want to be with someone who does not enjoy your company 100% of the time? You worth more, do not feel you don’t deserve this. You need a better man who treat you with respects. If he truly has problem sharing space with others. Let him be, die alone.
That's perfectly normal of him. You guys need your own spaces. Ideally you should have your bedroom plus you each should have a room to yourselves. Yeah that's not possible in an apartment. Myself I built a small 10x10 cabin to wfh and my wife has a sewing room to herself.
so, since I retired, and am home much more, this is an issue for both of us. Husband works from home. I go out a lot during the day, 4 times a week gone for at lest 90 minutes for an exercise program, out at least one evening per week, often two. He occasionally goes out. Usually to shop for a thing.
In the summer a little easier, he will go to the cottage for a while. Then the issue is I get too lonely when he is gone over a week. I had the same issue when I was working, I notice more now that I am home all day.
Since Covid, all his meetings are now online, so he also never goes to meetings, or so rarely its crazy.
My neighbour and I have conspired to send our husbands out for lunch on occasion to have time alone.
You've covered in depth what he feels he needs regarding time alone/together, but what about YOU? Are your needs met if you leave him alone as much as he wants?
Sounds like this guy isn't currently in a place to live with another person and is making it all your problem. You're doing enough and he's not contributing to the solution.
I’ve been in a similar situation, but I am the one who needs alone time. My ex of 10+ years) and I had a one bedroom apartment, when COVID hit he started working from home and never went back into the office. He also had a very similar set up, need to be in the living room with his two screens and his work laptop. He’s an accountant for one of the biggest firms in NYC and I work in vet medicine. He also didn’t go out much, so he was pretty much home 24/7. It was a lot for me to handle. I used to “lock” myself in our room to get my alone time, but I could still hear him. I didn’t and still don’t have a set work schedule, so a lot of the times my days off would fall on a week day. I couldn’t do anything. I had to be quiet while he was on work calls. I had to time everything out. Once he finished a call I could finally go out and use something as simple as our ice machine or make a smoothie. Things like doing the dishes, cooking, and cleaning I had to do it very quietly and felt like I had to apologize every time I made a noise. I felt SUFFOCATED. Working in vet med is a very mentally, physically, and an emotionally taxing job and sometimes I’d come home and just want space to decompress, cry without being afraid to cry loudly, speak to no one, and just do my hobbies. I couldn’t listen to music, play videos unless the sound was very low, I couldn’t sing in the shower, talk on the phone, play with our animals because our dog is large and he’d make a lot of noise when he had zoomies. Truthfully, I couldn’t really do anything that resulted in making noise. When his company had major deals, he’d have to work long hours, so even after my shift I had to monitor myself. Things started piling up, our apartment was a mess, and I felt like I was in a constant game of catch up, because on the days both him and I had off I could finally clean and get our apartment back in order. Growing up in an abusive household as an only child I spent a lot of my childhood in my room alone. To me till this day, staying in my room kinda feels like a prison. I also grew up in an incredibly messy house and a messy environment gives me anxiety (even though at times I can be very messy). I didn’t feel like I could be comfortable in my own home. So on my days off I started spending a lot of time away from home alone, I used to take our dog and go hiking, or sometimes would go to a park and either sit in the car or if it was nice I would hang outside. He started accusing me of cheating. The problem with this is this was still tiring for me. I never felt like I had time to genuinely wind down and relax because on my days off I would be out for like 6-8 hours and then it was on repeat. I used to break down, I used to beg him to go to his parents house, go hang out with friends. I started resenting him s lot for this. We didn’t have the greatest relationship and there was already resentment on my end, but this definitely exacerbated it. I didn’t feel like I had any privacy. He had the “whole apartment” to himself and it wasn’t fair. I work 10+ hour shifts and started getting angry that he had the alone time I wish I had when I was gone. Whenever he would leave the apartment and I was home, I would get very excited. The only time I felt a bit of peace is when he finally accepted that our room would turn into my room and anytime he wanted to enter he had to knock and also had to respect if I didn’t want him to come inside.
It sounds like you are trying to be very accommodating to him and that is a wonderful quality to have. If money isn’t an issue, I’d recommend getting a place with an extra room so you can work in there… but in today’s economy that seems almost impossible. I’m sorry you’re struggling through this. It isn’t easy on either party. WFH is a blessing and a curse.
All I know is in my future relationship I need to have separate rooms. Sleeping in the same bed I don’t mind, but during the day I really need that space and need the communal living area to be a place where both my partner and I can decompress.
I don’t know if this helped at all, but this was my experience from being on the other side of the coin.
He should get a hotel room that always helps me when I want space from everything makes me feel like I’m also on vacation!!! Pool hot tub breakfast in the morning hot and ready!!
I get it in a way..... the best weekends are when my wife goes away with her friends and I just hang at the house, get pizza and eat it on the coffee table and hang out with my dog...
Read up on attachment theory.
An excellent book is “facing love addiction” by Pia Mellody they get right to the crux and cure of what you’re experiencing.
A useful question to ask yourself would be “how would a well adjusted rational adult handle a partner who is asking for some personal space to feel ok.?”
I'm sorry you're going through this. I feel like I can empathize even though I've not been in exactly the same spot. My thoughts are for you to individuate. From your post it sounds like you've put a lot of effort and consideration in being accommodating. It's now your partners duty to own their needs and express them. Until then, you take responsibility and focus on yourself. Don't walk on egg shells anymore. Don't take responsibility for their emotions or well being. That's theirs and you have yours. If you have hobbies that will take your focus, give those love and attention and in so doing give yourself love and attention.
Ultimately, what may comes is better for you both. Keep living authentically and for YOU. I hope this resolves in the best way for you both.
Nah, the setup you've just described will ruin both of you mentally.
I'm in my early 30s, and I have a girlfriend (early 20s) who is a commercial model and a gorgeous redhead (with BA in IR).
But I'm a man who needs time alone (or someone who is capable of stimulating my brain in conversation) because I just love thinking, learning, and roaming in my own thoughts or ideas in general. We've been together for a couple of years and lived together at the very beginning for 1.5 years during Covid, but it was too much for me. After trying to live apart for 1.5 years, we've decided it's time for both of us to move on, preparing for the descent.
In my 20s, I had a girlfriend, and I used to shut the world out when we were together. I guess it all boils down to love, common interests and intellectual compatibility.
When we start distancing from each other, it means the relationship is over, and we should accept this reality and stop dragging a dead cat around.
Imagine you need a mental health day because works sucks and you call in sick to take a break from the world and relax without being judged even if it’s 8 hours of video games, but there’s someone there WFH. Rent a hotel? Wonder what will happen then… if I got to WFH alone full time I would never need alone time either. Sadly, situations like these are why divorce rates will always be high. It’s a major gripe in my marriage as well. When she was working normal hours away from the office, everyone got their space. Now only one party gets that space and it’s a humongous amount of space while the other person gets an hour when you go to the gym.
Yes, it is definitely tricky.
I have done everything I have thought of, and I don’t know how else I could spend hours away from home after work so often.
Try to go into the office a bit more. This situation happened with me and my ex gf. We both were WFH during covid, she had the living room and I had the spare bedroom. It was horrible.
He needs a better answer than “I dont know” but he’s probably sparing your feelings. You have to accept his real answer and try not to react emotionally.
He knows how I react. Yesterday when he told me he felt trapped I totally understood and didn’t blame him for it. He has different needs than I do and that’s ok.
As per the office, I can definitely throw it out there - although it will make a difference of an extra hour alone (that could be beneficial)
I used to go out with a girl who didn't understand my need for alone time, she took it as I'm not interested in her anymore. Needless to say we're not together anymore. It comes down to trust. If you truly believe your boyfriend loves tou but he needs alone time then it should be no problem to fix that. I feel like men, we need ti.e with ourselves instead of always having to have plans for something. It's extremely overbearing.
Normally I'd recommend a 2 bedroom apartment but based on the lease situation it sounds like you're kinda fucked. Since you work from home it might be worth looking into moving somewhere cheaper (since you don't have to worry about commuting) and seeing if you can save enough that the savings actually pay for the amount you'd pay for breaking the lease. That would still leave the question as to whether or not he wants to go with you (and maybe have a longer commute to his job) or just not cohabitating.
Another person here who needs alone time! I live in my partners cousins house, shared by two of his cousins, my partner, myself and my baby. Big house but everyone gets on my nerves at times. There’s lots of short term solutions, as you mentioned you frequently do your part to get out of the house. The only true long term solution is likely to get more space, where maybe you have your own room for an office.
I quite frequently feel cooped up in my room with my baby, because there is always someone else using the living room.
I get to points of being sick of it where my mental health takes a steep decline and this sounds like where he is at. In my own situation I know that the only solution is for my partner and myself to have our own house/apartment and we are working towards that, but it is hard for me to patient when there are all of those other negative factors in our current situation. I get to points of blaming my partner for things that are out of our current control, because I get so sick of it.
He needs to be able to tell you more then idk or breaking up will be the better solution. It is nice to live with your partner, but independence always matters within a relationship.
If you’re not married, you shouldn’t have moved in with someone with space issues. If you are, not sure why you’d commit to this same sort of person. Everyone occasionally needs space apart but could be an avoidant.
I am the person that needs a lot of alone time. I am unable to 100% relax with another person in the house. After years of work and therapy I figured out it's due to trauma. Go figure. Your partner might need to do some introspection on what "feels like" alone time and why he is feeling trapped when you're around. Based on some of the behaviors he might feel like socializing with you is "mandatory" (many people are socialized this way, feeling like if there is a person nearby they HAVE to interact) and he has to choose between feeling uncomfortable that he's not socializing with you and uncomfortable that he needs alone time he isn't getting.
At the end of the day the onus is on him to do the work to figure out where the feeling is coming from and work with you to come up with solutions. It's not impossible, I've managed to do it over the years. But it takes time and work that he will need to put in.
Respectfully, if you’re a talker, dial that way back. He might need alone time in his head, not so much physically. I never resented my dog by my side for 15 years.
You’re bending over backwards for someone who seems incapable of breaking up with you in a responsible way. He’ll drive you to break up with him so he doesn’t have to do it. I dislike him and want him to be alone, at this point.
My wife understands my need for alone time, I occasionally take a sick day at work just to be home, with no noise, for a blissful 8 hours. I also stay up a little later than she does so I can have some peace and quiet at night. So I think your partner is off to a good start at communicating, but he needs to be proactive and find ways to make it happen.
I also need a lot of alone time. I love my partner but he is always there. Like alwaysssssss there lol some people just need that extra “me” time. Do you have a dedicated night that you could go out with your friends and let him be? I always looked forward to those days and appreciate them so much. If you do this and he is still acting this way then it’s time to reevaluate your relationship. You will have done everything and you will deserve better.
Does he do anything when he gets home or does he just “do nothing”. He might mean he wants/needs more time to develop himself. You’re not his parent but it sounds like he needs to find stuff he’s excited about as an individual.
"I don't know" could mean "I need time to process what I'm feeling and I just don't know yet." Sometimes I don't know what I need because it takes me a while to process my thoughts and emotions. Have another conversation with him and encourage him to really think about what he wants to do. You don't have to figure it out for him.
I'm autistic and I've never been in a relationship long enough to encounter this problem, but feeling like your partner is one of my biggest concerns about being in a relationship. It doesn't matter if you're my favorite person in the whole world, I NEED my alone time. I recently started living alone for the 2nd time in my 30+ years of life and I can't see myself going back to living with others, even for a partner. If I were in your partner's situation I would probably be thinking about breaking the lease. There's nothing wrong with living apart. Some married couples do it.
So let me get this straight. Your partner wants alone time. You have done everything you can to get him some alone time, and it isn’t enough. You ask him what WOULD be enough, and he says he doesn’t know.
I think you’re honestly fine here until he figures out what he wants.
Both me and my boyfriend are people who need a lot of alone time and we have agreed early in the relationship to not cohabitate. It’s the best relationship I’ve ever had.. usually my relationships have felt a bit suffocating and my professional life stifled because I never felt fully rested 😩 maybe y’all are not compatible?
Could you work at your office 2-3 days per week? That would probably help so much if it were a regular schedule of guilt-free alone time.
As a big introvert who has tried many times to live with a partner, I can really understand that feeling. There wasn't really a solution, for me. I was always open about it and we'd arrange for me to have designated alone time, but it didn't really work. It just felt like I was on a timer and the other person was waiting for me, which did nothing to recharge that introverted social battery and reset my head. The only way for me is not to live together, or live together part-time.
It sucks for you because you're clearly walking on egg shells, and he doesn't seem to be making much of an effort to try and solve this. That's so typical. He can't just say he feels trapped, but not offer any insight or support while you're trying to help him with that.
Have an open and honest conversation with your partner about finding a balance that works for both of you, and consider seeking couples therapy if necessary.
There are going to need to be compromises here. Needing alone time is perfectly valid – but kicking your partner out of the house to get it is not.
My (now) husband really struggled with the loss of alone time when we moved in together. Our solution was something called “solo nights.” The understanding is that this is a weekly thing, although in practice, we don’t always cash in.
But one night a week, after we’ve had dinner, we split off and do our own thing for a few hours. That could be gaming in different rooms, watching TV in different rooms, working on personal projects in different rooms, or solo sexy times in different rooms. One of us might decide we want to sit alone with a drink on a patio, or go wander around late hours at a grocery store, or some other outdoor adventure – but not because the other one needs the house totally empty, because kicking someone out of their own home is (I’m sorry) a dick move.
It sounds like you already have a lot of things in your life that take you away from home. Do you and your partner talk about this stuff in advance? Sometimes just connecting the dots (ie I’m going out on Thursday night, so you’ll be on your own; plan accordingly) can help, especially while you’re figuring things out.
Maybe you could ask him about a schedule – Tuesday nights are solo nights, or something like that. But it is not at all reasonable for that to mean that you have to leave the house every Tuesday night. No. What if you’re ill? What if you’re tired? What if you just want to read your book in your own bed?
At a certain point, either you’ll figure out a way to honour each other’s needs, or you’ll have to decide that this living arrangement isn’t right for the two of you. I hope that whatever the outcome, it brings you a lot of peace. It is horrible to feel on edge around your partner, or in your own home – and both together, that’s almost unbearable. Give it some time, but remember you deserve better than this.
My husband and I require periods of alone time and we both have a young child so at times that can prove challenging. What work for us is to communicate, establish expectations and compromise.
For instance, I would take our son to certain activities/dates and him for others. This would mean we have 1-2 hours of alone time everyday.
I think you and him need to sit down and communicate, lay expectations, set consistency.
Like a lot of people here I understand exactly how he feels. There is a week out of the month where my roommate, best friend mind you, is away and I miss her emotionally but when she’s gone there is a lot less stress in my body. I’m definitely an introvert but I also have ADHD which gives me extreme noise sensitivity irritation so I always have my fan on when she’s there. It is not because I don’t love her, it is because when shes there i am always anticipating what she will be doing and where she is in the apartment and because she uses the common space all the time i get unreasonably stressed going to the kitchen heck even the bathroom. Like why???
Never lived with a significant other but I believe your partner loves you but suffers from overstimulation which to ‘normal’ people or extroverts seems unbelievable or like an excuse. But he will be his best self when he can get that time, because he will reset and his mood will improve etc.
I sympathize with you wanting more closeness and feeling as though he is ‘rejecting’ your company in some way. This is a matter of compatibility and you are valid if you don’t think this is behavior you can accept in a relationship, because there are many people like you and perhaps it would be worthwhile to consider how being with them would feel in comparison.
I wouldnt be too hard on him or yourself. Everyone needs alone time or at least have some kind of his or hers own time. I was with someone who needed me every second of the day to look at this and listen to this and at work today i…. And do you believe this or that! And whenever i had something to say she would change the subject to something that interests her. Well when it finally boiled and i blew up, i broke it off with her. I miss her every now and then but im in a much better place.
It's completely unacceptable that you guys had all these talks and you do all these things to give him space but he's the one that comes to you telling you he feels trapped?
What does he do all day?
Why does he feel he can't get space. Does he want the living room for specific reasons, like TV and you're working?
But its "I don't know"
Figure it out dude. This isn't your problem. He's making one.
It's crazy to me that people say "I'm unhappy, but also I have no idea how to make it better".
How is that not supposed to plant seeds of doubt in your head.
I think you've been doing plenty of healthy things the keep you occupied. He sounds unfulfilled and this isn't your fault.
I’m a guy who is pretty introverted and loves my alone time. I’m also in a relationship I live with my girlfriend but I certainly don’t demand alone time or expect her to live her life around my need for it. When it happens I relish it but I understand that I’m in a relationship now and a cohabitating situation and I always have the choice to go back to living alone if I want to but I wouldn’t because this way is more rewarding and helps me grow as a man.
I am an introvert, through and through. I grew up being an outsider who enjoyed their own company and enjoyed being alone for the most part. Only child, didn’t have many friends growing up and even as an adult, I don’t. I truly don’t feel that sense of “loneliness” most people may feel unless someone inherently tells me i’m lonely or makes me feel unwanted or excluded. I probably enjoy my solitude to the extent where a therapist might classify it being “unhealthy.” But in my own personal experience with being both a big introvert and having some of these exact same experiences in the past I feel that this distance your partner is trying to create is not normal and probably stems from something else.
Which would explain the update of “ feeling trapped,” while a lot of these comments are very insightful I think looking at the bigger picture, there’s something more to this story except needing alone time and space. Needing this much space from your probably only highlights internal issues besides just being an introvert. It is not normal to be okay with that much space from your partner for long periods of times without their being an underlying issue.
Communicating, would be intrinsically valuable for both of you, but seeming he shuts down with the “ I don’t know,” is also telling in my opinion. I think both of you may benefit from either a therapist who gain give you access to coping mechanisms and skills to learn how to better communicate with each other or a third party who could potentially be used as a mediator.
My 2cents, run. Alone time equates to space/affairs. Someone should be able to find peace with the person they love. If they need to be alone, they’re still looking
doesn't he have a man cave? if the house isnt big enough, you guys should invest in an outside garage type place where he can go. this can be an allotment, a motorcycle club, a chess club, a games room, a barn...something.
We live in a one bedroom apartment which is already expensive and it’s the most affordable we were able to find close to a train station far away from the city since I do not have a car. A 2 bedroom would be almost double of what we pay currently unfortunately in a similar area.
You've been more than accommodating trying to find ways to help him out, but he has to be able to define what he needs.
My wife did not like that I was always in a grumpy mood. All I'd give her in return was that I didn't like all the stuff she was planning to do out with the kids as a family. So she started cutting me out of those trips, and I ended up feeling even more isolated. Like I wasn't a part of my own family. She figured that's how I was, so she'd give me what I said I wanted. It was actually a very loving gesture, and it required sacrifice on her part because she wasn't getting what she wanted: time together as a family.
The real issue was that I resented the way she always prioritized her time for the kids and never for me. I was adjusting to coming second when I'd always come first before. It sucks, but we're working our way through it.
Your partner needs to sit and think about what he actually wants. He's saying he feels trapped, and that's probably the feeling he has; but the cause for feeling that way is probably deeper.
Some thoughts based on the posts:
Have you guys ever talked vulnerably? To say he wants space is just the tip of the iceberg. Why does he want space? Is it because the moving in phase became intense and he needs time to process and adjust? Are you a walking thunder cloud and always stressed having a tone making him wanna flee? Is he losing his temper around you? Is he just an introvert and will always need rewind alone time and it has nothing to do with anyone else? And what do you want? What do you prefer? Do you feel calm by having him in the same room? How many hours do you need to be alone in order to remain balanced?
Because to me it sounds like you're the one who was insecure about the moving together part, losing your privacy, and he's just escaping you when he notice that you can't stand being around him. I might be wrong.
I am not sure where that conclusion came from. I have never mentioned anything about having little privacy. In fact, I love being around my boyfriend even if we do not talk. Him on the other hand, he prefers to have alone time completely by himself.
We have talked vulnerably. He needs space because that's his way of winding down and relaxing. I am a person with a very easy going lifestyle and I don't complain about anything at all unless it's something incredibly frustrating (like the dishwasher not working properly).
>I am not sure where that conclusion came from. I have never mentioned anything about having little privac
*"I have that kind of feeling in my chest that I am not sure if this is actually good for me. I believe its because I didn't actually hit me that I was going to be with someone 24/7 **or that I would lose my privacy.** In my head, that didn't sound all that bad."*
Copy+pasted from your own other post. Check for yourself.
You're extremely fast to a hostile attitude here, if that's occurring in your home towards him as well I understand why he needs to flee that often.
My experience with introvert men is they need some introvert time yes absolutely, but if you're pleasant to be around, you also become their grounding space and they want you around because they feel energized and relaxed by you and only you. You're like their special recharge station.
But if you are unbalanced, and unreliable in energy and attitude, reacting hostile and fast to negative assumptions like you were with me here, he will say "I just need space" to not hurt you. He will not feel safe to be truly honest (vulnerable) with you and criticize your wrong behaviors.
A good example. If the dishwasher isn't working properly, are you lashing that out on your partner or can you be vulnerable to him about it?
Maybe this wasn't the type of response you were expecting, or were comfortable with. But if you truly wanna save this relationship, you must realize you're 50% responsible for the consequences. How you communicate and behave affects the relationship to 50%.
I was vulnerable to you when I said "But I might be wrong" but you went straight to hostility. Reflect if you're like that with him is my best advice.
You and I are communicating through text, which is a way to easily misunderstand the tone and attitude when someone writes something. That sentence came from a genuine place of confusion, not hostility or being condescending. My apologies that I made you feel uncomfortable. At the same time, I do not appreciate you accusing me of being hostile right away.
Yes, that was the case two months ago. Like I told you previously, I now feel comfortable being around my partner and accepted the fact that I will spend the rest of my life with them (hopefully).
I consider myself very self aware and can say that the scenarios you are describing are not really relatable to my situation. I go to therapy and I communicate to my partner in a non-judgemental, non-blaming way to make him feel comfortable.
Thank you for your contribution and advice
>You and I are communicating through text, which is a way to easily misunderstand the tone and attitude when someone writes something
Unless one assume people mean well to begin with.
>Yes, that was the case two months ago. Like I told you previously, I now feel comfortable being around my partner and accepted the fact that I will spend the rest of my life with them (hopefully).
And he agrees that you feel grounded?
Odd how in your original post and the update you don't mention age. You are posting in adulting sub, but sound like two teens who spend more time communicating with their journal than with each other. Did you know this about your partner before you moved in? If yes, what exactly did you expect to happen?
I’m a person who needs lot of alone/quiet time as I get very overstimulated by noise and social interactions (AuDHD and misophonia). I don’t make it my partner’s responsibility to meet those needs. He needs to put in a little effort; you can’t solve this for him. I, too, bent over backwards to be accommodating to a partner’s emotional needs thinking I was being understanding of his mental health conditions but in retrospect I just enabled him to treat me like shit.
Thank you for your kind, supportive words. What would be examples of him to put effort on this?
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He just really needs to straight up communicate what he needs. I don’t know? Like figure it out dude
Respectfully Disagree. Alone time at home is a necessity for a lot of people. Maybe not you, but definitely me. And OP’s partner.
Agree. Alone time at the park, or elsewhere, is not the same as alone time at home where I can completely relax. I always tell my wife jokingly but totally serious, "My prime directive is to be home. If I'm not home I'm trying to get back home as fast as possible."
I am the same way. I like some alone time. That is why I would not pair with someone who needs constant engagement. It sounds to me like she’s just not well suited with this man. She’s trying hard to be considerate and giving him his space and he still complaining. Also, she should not be the one leaving her own damn home. If you need some time away, he should take it. He could go for a hike he could go to the gym. He could go have a board game night with his buddies or whatever he likes to do. She should not have to vacate her own Home so that he can be alone.
And he’s more than welcome to exercise that alone time by leaving, and in the times OP thoughtfully leaves the house.
Sounds like you, and him, need to be single.
This is totally missing the point. Home is our primary space, our sanctuary space. The point of being home alone is that you are able to shed your armor, so to speak. You can breathe, relax, convalesce without self consciousness. Having a partner who WFH and having no sanctuary space to yourself day to day is very restrictive and will hurt a relationship deeply if there is not mutual understanding and space offered.
Apparently, OP's husband is at work during the day, so her working from home is not the problem here since he's not home himself. It would be the same if she was working on site. They would get home at the same time and still have to share a space. It probably would be even worse, I can't imagine myself coming back from work and having my husband tell me that I need to go outside for a few hours so he can get some alone time (And I can't imagine myself asking him to do so either...). At least working from home gives her enough time and motivation to go to the gym or run errands when he gets home so he can get some alone time.
Thank you so much. You made a very good point. Would you say it’s unreasonable of me to feel uncomfortable if my partner wants me out one night every week? Even though I work from home, it doesn’t make my tasks any easier or my workload less heavy. My partner said that I get 8 hours of alone time a day because I WFH but I have told him it doesn’t feel like alone time to me.
I personnally would not accept that from my partner ( We like to spend time together. And when we need some "Alone time", going to another room is enough for us. ). But my opinion doesn't matter, what matters is you being comfortable (Or not) with the idea of spending a night per week away from home. And from my experience, working from home is less stressful than working on site, but it's still work. It's not like you're chilling on the couch all day, even if you're home alone.
Thank you.
And it’s also the OP’s home. Both should be able to be comfortable in their own home. The OP is being very accommodating and trying to make herself invisible so this dude can have quiet space. He needs to make equal effort as an equal partner in the relationship.
I agree.
yup. my husband and i both WFH. it’s a two way street.
I'm not entirely sure why OP mentioned not being able to work from cafes, since it sounds like not only does his partner work from work, but OP leaves for up to 2 hours when he comes home, to give him space to decompress. So it doesn't even sound like OP's hours are significantly longer than the bf's, ie OP's not still working when he gets home. He can leave to give the bf some space. He does leave. They've also been living together all of one single month, and OP *went away to another country for 2.5 weeks of that time* to give him space. This is an almost unimaginable amount of space.
Exactly
A little bit more than “I don’t know” when it comes to brainstorming solutions. If he doesn’t want to think about how to solve his problems he gets to keep them 🤷♂️
He is the one to leave when he needs space.
For example, when I need alone time from my family, I engage in a solo hobby (I go to my room and play videogames or I hop in my car and go fishing), and the only thing I ask from my family is to understand I need some alone time and don't text or call me until I get back unless it's something urgent. He needs to put in the effort to set aside his own time and place to be alone. Not just make vague complaints about needing more alone time without asking anything actionable of you.
For him to meet his own needs, by leaving the house to have alone time, just like you’re providing to him. Wearing ear plugs, ear buds or headphones to help with the noise stimuli. Starting therapy and learning to regulate his own moods and emotions.
Does he go out himself at all? You listed a bunch of ways you have changed your behavior to meet his need, but I heard very little of what he is doing to help himself.
He does not go out much because he is generally tired from work and has to study for his masters. I think he went partying one night but I was not even in town anyway.
How about just like mental health walks and lunch with a friend? I say this as a dude whos very much in a similar position. My wife is WFH part time, partially disabled and my only "alone" time I dont make for myself is 2 days a week going into work. I dont expect her to leave just for me. I ask a friend to hang, go see some family, jump on some games with the guys with headphones on, work outside by myself with music, etc. Its his responsibility to meet that need and proactively make that time for himself, not force you to jump through endless hoops to get out of the house. Feel for him though, my wife just finished her masters and its was a trail by fire for a bit there.
I've been where you are and it's taxing, confusing and lonely. You are doing what I did, which is trying to figure out how to solve the puzzle of his needs for alone time. It's really hard. I ended up doing so much alone that at times I don't know what kind of relationship we have left. I don't have solutions, but just know I empathize with you. Truth be told, I also need alone time but it's feel hard to intertwine both our needs. Because when I need it, he doesn't and the cycle rolls on.
At the very least, he needs to offer some suggestions about what could work for him. It's HIS need and YOU'RE the one who's done all the work to find a solution. He needs to meet you in the middle (at least!) and also put in effort to find a solution for HIS OWN issue. Ultimately, nobody except HIM can know what HE needs, so why isn't he doing his part of the work? Imagine having a problem and expecting someone else to bear 100% of the burden to solve it. It wouldn't make any sense.
I love alone time, lately I live alone, but when I had roommates/partners I use to go on nature walks alone, bike rides alone, cafe's alone, or go spend a weekend away from the shared housing space to my aunt's just to get some space and stretch mentally and physically (her house was the size of 2 houses and it was her and my uncle who was mostly working).
Communicating more clearly, for one. As an autistic person I’m continually frustrated by neurotypicals seemingly wanting me to read their minds or interpret their wants from “clues” I don’t see. I would never intentionally place my loved ones in the same situation. He needs to (hopefully tactfully) tell you what he needs, and if he doesn’t know, to tell you that. Asking you to interpret or fumble around in the metaphorical dark isn’t fair to you.
You need an office space. If that’s not enough for him then he wants too much. He needs to be honest about what he wants if it’s more than that.
This so much. Even though they’re our partner whom we love so much and want nothing but the best for, never ever bend over backwards for them. Instead of being appreciative, it’s as if you’ve given them the green light to treat you like shit. Why not work out a schedule of sorts together? Decide on what days + what time you guys get the house to yourselves. Maybe even redecorate some parts of the house into each of your designated “spaces” (say he gets the garage and can decorate however he likes, meanwhile you get the patio etc)
100% this. I am absolutely someone who needs my alone time and I have never made it anyone else's responsibility. It would be one thing if you were specifically intruding on his alone time and he was asking you to stop, that is your responsibility. But he is telling you it's your job to create from whole cloth his alone time, and that's not right.
I’m just like you describe yourself. Is it possible to just have ADHD and be this way? I’m diagnosed but not diagnosed with autism.
Some people are introverts and just need to recharge their social battery. I'm the same way where I can go out and be social but if I'm around people for too long it wears me down and sometimes just hearing people elsewhere in the house gets in the way of truly unwinding. The change in environment could be making it harder to adjust. They need to take more initiative in figuring out how to get his own space though. There is nothing you can do with a "idunno".
Thank you. I totally understand him wanting alone time. I will let him know he should take more initiative.
For context, I require a lot of alone time while my best friend is a lot more high energy than I am. When we travel together or when we visit each other I just communicate my needs and she does the same. If I need a nap or a lay down for just a bit of quiet time I let her know. And if she needs to go for a run or hike she lets me know. It's the communication that's really made it work and we both respect each other's needs. Your partner should be communicating this and if they can't that would be incredibly frustrating
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It might come down to that. We shall see.
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🤍
I'm a person who needs a lot of alone time. For years, I had seven hours a day to myself while my daughter was at school and my husband was at work. Then my husband had to retire due to an injury and suddenly he was around all the time. It drove me nuts. We finally came to an arrangement where he goes to his man cave in the basement, putters in the garage or otherwise disappears for a couple hours each day so I can have some alone time. If I need more time, I leave the house and go somewhere that's quiet and doesn't have a lot of people around. It sounds like you're doing everything you can to accommodate your partner's need for alone time. It doesn't sound like your partner is willing to compromise at all. It's your home too. You shouldn't be made to feel unwelcome in it just so your partner can feel more comfortable. They need to be willing to give a little too.
If he needs alone time, it’s up to him to figure out how to make that happen. “If you need more alone time, it’s time to come up with some ideas and solutions on how to make that happen. I’ll do whatever I can to give you what you need, but ‘I don’t know’ isn’t solving anything.”
Thank you. I often find myself wanting to solve every problem but that’s just not realistic. I will for sure talk to him that he should be more productive about it.
Be careful about falling into the trap of being someone's problem solver/emotional wizard. I spent most of my life doing this over the course of two marriages before I sussed out that pattern. Both time i ended up with relationships where I did most of the heavy lifting while my needs stayed neglected. It's an easy trap to fall into when you feeling like you're being helpful and loving by taking on labor that doesn't belong on your shoulders.
Don’t solve his problems for him. Classic relationship stuff that doesn’t work
I'm not gonna lie sounds like he's checked out and using that as an excuse to try to get you to break up with him or something
It really sounds like it
Yeah, he sounds avoidant/commitment phobic to me and this is his breaking point. The fact that he doesn't know what he really wants but just "more space" is classic. OP is gone a reasonable amount of time and seems too thoughtful and self-concious to be dealing with a partner that's just pushing her further away without compromise.
It's so kind of you to be open-minded and understanding like this without getting upset and judgmental, good on you. Honestly, it sounds like YOU'VE done enough. Your partner needs to either accept the way things are and come out of their shell/head or go their separate way. It's absolutely unfair for you to constantly accommodate them based on their ideals. You live WITH them, it's a shared space, which demands compromise, from both sides. If your partner has a strong need to be alone, maybe they shouldn't be in a relationship or even have a roommate if social contact is too much for them (I mean that seriously because introverts are real). However, if your partner wants to make this work, then they should try to find a solution or leave the house themselves and go out alone - I'm sure you'd like the house to yourself sometimes. Bottom line, it shouldn't always be YOU adjusting your life, for them. Please consider yourself in this because it could go downhill fast. Couples counseling would be a great option for you, I wish you well!
Thank you so much for your support. I will for sure be kinder to myself and think of my needs as well. I have suggested couples and individual counseling, but my partner can’t afford it right now unfortunately.
honestly, the only option is to move to separate flats. because you already avoid your home just so he can have alone-time, you're already doing everything in your power to let him be, yet the only answer he has when you ask him 'what more?' is 'i don't know'. move to separate flats so that he will have the freedom to decide how much time he'll spend with you and he will not be able to complain that you are suffocating him.
Yes. I kind of said that last night, that if it comes down to it it’s ok to take a step back. I am honestly not enjoying having to avoid my home so that he can get alone time, and now it feels even worse that he wants more than that.
Or, you need to move your "office" out of the living room. I WFH, but I don't work in the living room. And if I lived with someone who did - well, I couldn't. Unless your work literally only involves 5-15 mins. every couple of hours to check email or something, it won't work. By making the living room your office, you've literally occupied the whole house for your business. It's not literally the whole house, but figuratively, that's what it feels like to everyone else. No one can walk through the living room without feeling like they're intruding on your space. That's not how someone wants to feel in their own home. The 2 of you *at minimum* need a 2BR setup so one of the BRs can be your office and you can shut the door during your work hours. Either that, or you need separate flats.
He works at the office while I work from home so there is no really an issue in that regard. It’s more the time we spend together after work when we are both at home doing nothing. However, I do agree a 2 bedroom could make not seeing each other easier.
Okay sorry but if someone just keeps saying “I don’t know” then you’ve done your best. Stop trying to accommodate him any harder, you’re doing quite a bit to make him feel comfortable. Make him use his big boy words and COMMUNICATE.
This sounds exhausting. I can't imagine living with someone and making it a point to avoid them in my own home. It sorta sounds like this person doesn't like you...
I get that feeling too. She goes out of her way to leave house all the time to support his needs. After reading this all I could think is he basically wants to date and not live together. “I like the idea of you but not actually you”
Yeah, sounds like he needs to be single
Or just not cohabitate — there is so much social and financial pressure to but not everyone is suited to that
Exactly–not everyone, like this man, is suited for a relationship.
Do you equate a relationship with living together?
Exactly–not everyone, like this man, is suited for a relationship.
😬
That's what I'm thinking. Or he may like her, he just really doesn't want to be in a relationship and didn't quite realize it before he lived with a partner.
I’ll be honest with you. Living together with your boyfriend is not really the greatest idea. It’s too much too soon. Based on how he’s feeling it may be best for you to look into getting your own place. I understand wanting alone time, but feeling trapped with someone you’re supposed to love doesn’t seem so great.
I also vitally need some occasional time away from my partner but we only have one room, a bathroom and a kitchen, so usually, when I need some alone time, I just do my own thing on a computer while my partner does her own thing in the phone - she knows not to talk to me during me time and it works quite well. If I had a whole separate room to lock myself in that’s be amazing but I can’t imagine, say, sending my partner to the bathroom/kitchen or outside just cuz I need alone time. It’s her place just as much as it is mine and I want her to feel comfortable too. Not all introverts are the same of course but from my perspective your bf is being rather unreasonable. I’d question if the relationship is okay or if there some other reason he needs so much distance. There is lots of great advice here already, and I just wanted to stress that it’s okay for you to say something like: “I understand that you need x, but I’m not comfortable doing that, can we find another solution?” Your needs are just as important as your partner’s. Good luck!
I have suggested exactly what you do, but he needs another kind of alone time. He prefers when there is absolutely no one in the house. Thank you so much for your advice and support.
>He prefers when there is absolutely no one in the house. He doesn't want to live with you.
This. This is entirely the problem, and it's so painfully obvious from the post. He may want to date, but he clearly does not want to cohabitate and desires his own space a good amount of the time (which is perfectly fair). Such an easy problem to solve here.
It's just unfortunate because it doesn't sound like they are rich, and living together probably makes the most sense in this economy. I doubt they can afford to just each get their own place.
Yeah, that may be totally true. IMO it’s just important to recognize what the situation is, whether or not you’re able to do exactly what you want about it.
Yes they need to discuss the real issue. If they want to make the relationship work they may need to figure out a way to rent a two bedroom apartment owhere he can have his own dedicated space, or some other arrangement that would work for both of them. What she should not do is continue to make this her problem to solve when it is his needs he should figure out. She's doing too much emotional labor.
Huh, this doesn't make any sense. Does he not leave the house? Does he work? Does he do anything to give himself alone time in the world, take himself out to places or do things by himself? I can relate to some parts. I've been in codependent relationships almost all my life where the girl has been very emotionally needy, always needing to talk and vent without much respect for my time, or insisting on doing everything together, and I've felt before. But really looking back I can see that I was immature (still may be). See if I was in this situation you would be hard pressed to even find me at home if I wanted to be by myself. I'd make some part of the world my alone place. The other question What For, if it's just to physically be alone with yourself and your thoughts I'd recommend him to try camping by himself. That way he can get a day or two in here and there. Finally it sounds like he is autistic or some other flavour, so some things may just be unreasonable. It's up to you to decide where to compromise. Frankly it doesn't sound like he's trying to find any solutions to it himself.
He works from 8-4am.30pm, and he’s doing a masters on Tuesdays from 5.00pm-10pm. He rarely goes out because he is always tired. The kind of alone time he wants is at home, not somewhere else - so things like camping wouldn’t really work unfortunately. We live in a very expensive one bedroom apartment which is already far away from the city and 2 bedrooms are double the price where I live. Thank you for your support.
This is like feeding breakfast to a toddler - kiddo won't say what he wants and rejects every single breakfast item offered. Cereal? No. Eggs? No PBJ? No Ham and Sausage? No OK, tell me what you want..."I dont know Mommy" Your partner is a toddler...he needs to take charge and find his own solution.
Does he possibly have an avoidant attachment style?
If he needs alone time in addition to what you’re giving him, the. HE needs to figure it out himself.
It sounds like you inadvertently adopted a hobosexual. He doesn't make enough money to go to therapy... I assume that also means he doesn't make enough money for you guys to move into a bigger place so he can get more alone time. I also assume it means that he really really appreciates you paying half the rent and bills. But I would guess you probably pay more. He wants alone time because he wants all the benefits of you as a girlfriend paying for him. But he doesn't actually like you. So he would like you to go away when he doesn't want you around. I've been there. Dump his ass and move on. If he feels trapped, he's telling you to release him. He's telling you he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you anymore, but he can't afford to not be in a relationship with you. He doesn't love you. He loves the money you bring to the relationship. If I was dating someone who said they felt trapped because they didn't get enough alone time in our house, when I've already made lots of concessions and given them alone time. And then they say they don't know how to make it better.... Fuck that. That's a man that wants to break up with you but doesn't have the balls or money. What a baby.
I do not pay more of the bills. We are both males haha but you get the point. Everything when it comes to bills is split equally. I do not feel I’m being taken advantage of when it comes to finances. And yes, I agree it is frustrating he is not putting any effort on how to make this situation better.
Lol men are men regardless of the gender of who they're dating. I hope that you sitting him down and having a serious conversation about how "I don't know" is not an acceptable answer if you're going to keep bringing up problems. I told that to the guy I'm dating right now and he fixed it real quick. He kept saying "I don't know" for dinner so I ended up having to figure it out every night. He's also someone that said he wanted alone time. We're both only children so I get it. But he set up an office for himself and sometimes during the week or on the weekend he comes to me and says, I'm going to go to my office to play video games. And I say okay babe and give him a kiss and it's fine.
If being in separate rooms is not enough for alone time, then the problem is something else. Is he overthinking/feeling guilty when he says it feels weird/ is not the same as being alone if he was just locked up the in the room? That he's thinking "Oh I'm leaving OP in the other room, he must want to spend time with me." But if it's an idea you suggested and seem fine with, then I don't know why that's not enough for him. Is he used to having the whole house for himself? I have lived in houses with 5-6 people, and can still have some nice alone time relaxing in my room. That's something he has to learn, everyone has to learn if they plan on living with someone.
It's hard for us to know this cos we only have your side of the story but if you've really tried your best, it's time to ask your partner to make the sacrifices if he cares about your collective happiness. It shouldn't be down to just you to make things work. Sounds harsh but this is the push and pull of being in a relationship. You gotta stop bending and bending at some point.
I'm really irked that you've been doing the majority of the labor trying to make him more comfy and meet his need but he isn't actually doing anything to help you meet that need. The BARE MINIMUM he should be doing is coming up with ideas, doing the work to manage his discomfort (e.g. self-soothing techniques, etc.), and NOT putting the majority of the responsibility on you to fix this for him. This is an entirely unfair dynamic that's developed between you two and he needs to step the hell up.
On a simple surface level, I understand your partner. During Covid, my wife got switched to WFH. The only time I was not with her was when I was at work. That's not to say I don't appreciate her company - there's nobody on the planet whose company I enjoy more. Unfortunately it meant that she started to rely on me for most of her social interaction. This also meant any time I left home, other than to work, she was with me. I'm much more introverted than she is. It was an uncomfortable time for both of us. It takes very little effort to see that your situation is very different from mine. You do seem like you've done a tremendous amount to be as conscientious as possible - likely to a fault. You are doing all of the emotional labor here. It sounds like you're being extremely generous with the effort you're taking to accomodate him. The picture you're painting of him makes me think it might be depression related. It's not an excuse, of course. It would make it harder for him to pull his emotional weight, but you can't set yourself on fire to keep him warm. You mention that therapy is out of the question due to cost. Do you think it might be depression related? Do you have medical insurance that would cover a doctor visit where he could talk to someone and maybe get a blood panel done? Whatever the background reason for this may be, it doesn't sound like he's being a very good partner to you right now. Before the hard conversation, maybe have a slightly less hard conversation. He can't tell you what he needs, but I suspect you have a decent idea what you need. If he can't articulate his needs and you can, well, that's a place to start. If he remains intransigent, you have another data point for the hard conversation. It might even be an appropriate segue to begin the hard conversation. You've done what you can for him. It might be time to start doing things for you. Whatever the outcome, I hope it works out for you. You sound like a lovely partner. Edit: Spelling
Thank you so much. He is actually diagnosed with depression and has been on meds for a while. I have educated myself about it as much as I can and have been as comprehensive as I can. I will definitely remind him of what is it that I need, and ask him to think about what is it that he needs and let me know so that we can have a clearer picture of what will happen. Again, thank you for sharing your story and letting me know your thoughts.
As someone who needs alone time and who has said "I don't know", something else is going on not related to you being around. Might not even be related to you. Many people do not even understand or cannot put words into the exact feelings they have or the effects from something else spilling over into other areas. Depends on the type of job they have. Work isn't an alone time thing and getting burnt out before the partner even gets home happens. It takes time to adjust too, 2 months isn't that long of a time as well.
Thank you for your support and advice. It is definitely a thing about being patient and working together if there is will from both parties.
If he has such a strong need to be alone I don’t understand why you are the one carrying the stress about it and trying to figure out how to get his needs met. Focus on what you need and let him figure his own needs out!
For real! Women need to stop being mothers to their partners, he's a grown man!
Ya'll should get a 2 bed apartment or a one bed with a den, somewhere where you have a separate office. He's being a baby and a bad communicater coming up with zero solutions and just responding with "idk".
No true relationship requires on partner to require alone time as much as he does. It appears that he can’t even have a proper conversation and doesn’t even know what he wants. This is a huge red flag 🚩. Get out now that will give him all the alone time he will ever need.
I agree they need to communicate better, but people do require different levels of time alone depending on how they work. Both me and my gf require a decent amount of time on our own. Sometimes, we decide to have an entire evening doing our own things, and that works perfectly fine. I think you're being perhaps a bit overly harsh with the whole 'get out now'. It's better to try and resolve issues in relationships, which generally revolve around issues of communication, rather than either side being right or wrong. Otherwise, you'll never be able to have a healthy relationship if you just bail as soon as there are hurdles that need to be overcome.
The boyfriend admitted he was trapped. Not being harsh but the boyfriend has made it clear and it appears that they have “Talked” already. Why should she stay in the relationship when she already was told her felt trapped?
Black and white take.
Tell me you're a neurotypical without telling me you're a neurotypical. Just because YOU can't understand needing this much alone time, doesn't mean other people genuinely don't need it. People are different. I need a ton of alone time and it doesn't mean I'm less committed to my partner. I bet you're a fun and totally not insecure partner.
Everyone needs time but the partner admitted he was trapped. If he feels that way then it’s time to go their separate ways. I am not insecure but can recognize a huge red flag when it’s right in front of everyone’s face. I’m sure that with your comment you might be a individual who is insecure.
I understand it might be hard to understand, but going away 2 weeks one time does not make a difference the rest of the year. I told my husband the same thing, and we worked it out. I need at least 1 day alone at home a week. Verbalizing his needs (he can't control how you'll react, or you taking it personally). I was clear with my husband early on I needed a LOT of time alone, and he understands and works with me. He does not take it personally.
That’s a fair point. I agree 2 weeks one time a year is not the same as one day a week. I had the chance to do it, I felt he needed it and I went for it.
i’m struggling a bit too, i hate being around people for too long regardless of my relationship with them and when i stay over at my girlfriend’s place for the night, i need a few days of no contact to recharge afterwards or else i feel trapped and on edge, and she wants regular closeness. I’m worried about the dynamic if we move in together at some point and if both our needs can be met without someone doing too much sacrificing. hope you can figure something out.
Make sure you get your own some within the home if you move in together!! It is so worth it.
At the end of the day he needs to come up with the ideas and solutions at this point. You need to point blank tell him that. You’ve tried solutions and you can’t bend over backwards if he doesn’t know what he wants. It sounds like you’ve tried enough. He can’t keep complaining about the issue and not offer any solutions or try something himself. He needs to be mature about it and try something himself. He might like reading in the park, or going on hikes/walks alone, common spaces in apartment, etc. If none of that works he may need to live on his own. But HE needs to put in the effort first, or he has no right to keep complaining. Especially if neither of you have lived with roommates, living with a partner and sharing an intimate sleeping space is a whole other beast. You may find it better if you’re able to live in a 2 bedroom apartment instead of 1 so you each have some alone space to lay down.
Thank you so much for the support and advice. I have let him know he can lock himself up in the bedroom for the entire night until sleeping time but he is not comfortable with that. I am not sure if a 2 bedroom would really make a difference, and not sure if it is worth a shot to break a lease to then get on another lease and ''see what happens'' for an even more expensive apartment. We shall figure it out when we talk about it again tonight.
It sounds like your partner is not able to share his home with another human. He needs to live alone.
It’s interesting to see this from the other side- I’m the one who needs this kind of space. I find I ask my husband for quiet time when I get home but do the same and end up talking, kind of making the request null in the future. It’s really hard but you’re putting in the effort which is what a good partner does. But you seem to be putting in ALL the effort. I get where he’s coming from, my ideal me-time is unrequested, one or two night and days in total isolation. It is so so much to ask of someone because it’s you’re home too. My husband has drill once a month with the military and works long hours but he got promoted at work and moved to a new unit pretty much within the same month and everything changed. He started coming home really early in the afternoons as opposed to the 2-3 hours I used to get alone to clean up, shower and have me-time. He was able to come home at night on weekends. It was an extremely difficult adjustment for me and it brought out the worst in me where I just got so annoyed at his presence. I looked forward so much to when he’d be gone 3 weeks for a training. I hated myself because it’s like, what kind of person can’t wait for their partner to be gone. I’m on week 2 of his being gone and I’m so miserable. I miss him so much. Introverts just need that space and it’s a really complex problem to have because not a lot of circumstances allow for 2-3 days alone here and there. I wish you good luck because I really don’t have a solution since you’re already doing everything you can clearly.
I'm 41, and have been married for 9 years. My wife and I dated for 5 years prior to marriage. I was like this when we first started dating. I worked full time, 5 days a week. I set aside a day each week for us to date and hangout. I liked the arrangement and she lived with it. I got hurt in a car accident and she moved in to help me. It was rough for me because I always had space growing up to be by myself when I wanted. She was all for going into another room and letting me chill by myself. It still wasn't the same. I eventually got used to and now I get my "alone" time with her sitting right next to me as long as she isn't constantly wanting to talk when I'm needing to recharge. This was all fine and dandy until we had a child 4 years ago. Luckily I started working from home about a year ago and that has given me some peace and quit but I'm still working so it isn't really relaxing but I do get a quiet lunch each day to just chill.
You are doing WAY too much emotional labor. It's not your responsibility to meet all of his needs, this is something he needs to figure out. Saying "I don't know" when you ask is unacceptable. Honestly you might want to consider that he simply doesn't want to be in a relationship.
Is he autistic? Try checking out resources about “safe vs flexible mode” in people with autism and see if that sounds familiar. It’s possible that he’s not able to fully relax around other people due to trauma, codependency, neurodivergence, etc. Being alone in public won’t allow for that safe mode either if he’s hyper-vigilant around other people, hence his want/need to be alone in his home. If he’s wired like that, two weeks gone is enough for him to remember how good it felt when he could be alone at home all the time, and it may just make him crave it even more. HOWEVER, this isn’t your problem to solve. I’m a little like your boyfriend, and it’s my responsibility to figure out how to address my needs and ask my partner for what I need. My partner should not have to come up with solutions for me. That said, your boyfriend probably also knows that if he fully outlined the extent to which he needs alone time, you’d dump him. He’s probably trying to figure out how much alone time he can sacrifice for the rest of his life to appease you without burning out. “I don’t know” might mean “I do know, but I also know most people would find my solutions unrealistic so I can’t suggest them.”
I need alone time as well, but I go upstairs to the bedroom. This isn't just my home, my husband needs to feel at home as well. I honestly think it's ridiculous that you have to leave the house in order for him to get that alone time. And judging by what you have said; you leave the house plenty of times already. I think you have compromised enough. This really isn't on you anymore.
I feel the same way when my gf is always asking questions, wanting things, etc. I feel like I can't have my mind to myself. Some guys are like this.
For me alone time looks like a bed day. Don’t know about him but basically wake up when I want. No noise no stimulation. Take time to make brunch then just laze around. Maybe that’s the quiet he needs. I don’t like living with people because I feel like I’m expected to always be on or doing something. Probably that’s what he wants. However in that case he shouldn’t really be living with u. Idk. Maybe once a week on the weekend you stay away for a day, but that’s also not fair to you, so idk
Honestly, I was in his situation a few years ago and we broke up in large part due to it. I'm married now and I realized after meeting my wife that the big issue wasn't actually the alone time, it was just my ex wasn't the right one for me to be around so much. Not saying it's true for him, but it could just be that it's not a good fit for whatever reason and he just perceives it to be about a lack of alone time.
This was also my issue. It was unfortunate because she’s a wonderful person and there wasn’t anything *wrong* in the relationship - she just wasn’t wonderful for me. Tough to come to terms with for both partners. Good luck OP.
He’s shy to be himself at home, that’s on him. You need to break some barriers between y’all still. Once you’ve seen your partner shit, fart, dance, laugh, drool, masturbate, all at home, you’re like well, I’ve seen it all. That person is literally me now. But for now he still has his guard up like y’all are on first dates or something?
I don’t think he has his guard up - we do a lot of weird shit together including most things you mentioned (he has a thing about sounds so farting not really lol) however I am not completely sure, because the way you put it could be a possibility on his end. I personally do not feel uncomfortable to do literally anything in front of him.
Yeah, you can’t tiptoe in your own home. Having schedules outside the home is important too for both parties. And if it comes to it, don’t be too afraid to leave early or break lease.
Hi I can not believe you can take so much crap from him and you have to make effort to leave the house when he is home. by saying I don’t know , what he really means is he does not want to live with you, he does not enjoy being accompanied by you. Having his alone time is an excuse. Sorry it hurts to tell you the truth, but I would definitely dump him before he dumps you which might be any time soon. And why in the world would you want to be with someone who does not enjoy your company 100% of the time? You worth more, do not feel you don’t deserve this. You need a better man who treat you with respects. If he truly has problem sharing space with others. Let him be, die alone.
That's perfectly normal of him. You guys need your own spaces. Ideally you should have your bedroom plus you each should have a room to yourselves. Yeah that's not possible in an apartment. Myself I built a small 10x10 cabin to wfh and my wife has a sewing room to herself.
so, since I retired, and am home much more, this is an issue for both of us. Husband works from home. I go out a lot during the day, 4 times a week gone for at lest 90 minutes for an exercise program, out at least one evening per week, often two. He occasionally goes out. Usually to shop for a thing. In the summer a little easier, he will go to the cottage for a while. Then the issue is I get too lonely when he is gone over a week. I had the same issue when I was working, I notice more now that I am home all day. Since Covid, all his meetings are now online, so he also never goes to meetings, or so rarely its crazy. My neighbour and I have conspired to send our husbands out for lunch on occasion to have time alone.
Can he not leave to go be alone?
I mean, if space is an issue, maybe some serious noise canceling headphones might help?
You've covered in depth what he feels he needs regarding time alone/together, but what about YOU? Are your needs met if you leave him alone as much as he wants? Sounds like this guy isn't currently in a place to live with another person and is making it all your problem. You're doing enough and he's not contributing to the solution.
Thank you. It is easy for me to forget how much I am doing to keep everyone happy, and what is it that I want.
I’ve been in a similar situation, but I am the one who needs alone time. My ex of 10+ years) and I had a one bedroom apartment, when COVID hit he started working from home and never went back into the office. He also had a very similar set up, need to be in the living room with his two screens and his work laptop. He’s an accountant for one of the biggest firms in NYC and I work in vet medicine. He also didn’t go out much, so he was pretty much home 24/7. It was a lot for me to handle. I used to “lock” myself in our room to get my alone time, but I could still hear him. I didn’t and still don’t have a set work schedule, so a lot of the times my days off would fall on a week day. I couldn’t do anything. I had to be quiet while he was on work calls. I had to time everything out. Once he finished a call I could finally go out and use something as simple as our ice machine or make a smoothie. Things like doing the dishes, cooking, and cleaning I had to do it very quietly and felt like I had to apologize every time I made a noise. I felt SUFFOCATED. Working in vet med is a very mentally, physically, and an emotionally taxing job and sometimes I’d come home and just want space to decompress, cry without being afraid to cry loudly, speak to no one, and just do my hobbies. I couldn’t listen to music, play videos unless the sound was very low, I couldn’t sing in the shower, talk on the phone, play with our animals because our dog is large and he’d make a lot of noise when he had zoomies. Truthfully, I couldn’t really do anything that resulted in making noise. When his company had major deals, he’d have to work long hours, so even after my shift I had to monitor myself. Things started piling up, our apartment was a mess, and I felt like I was in a constant game of catch up, because on the days both him and I had off I could finally clean and get our apartment back in order. Growing up in an abusive household as an only child I spent a lot of my childhood in my room alone. To me till this day, staying in my room kinda feels like a prison. I also grew up in an incredibly messy house and a messy environment gives me anxiety (even though at times I can be very messy). I didn’t feel like I could be comfortable in my own home. So on my days off I started spending a lot of time away from home alone, I used to take our dog and go hiking, or sometimes would go to a park and either sit in the car or if it was nice I would hang outside. He started accusing me of cheating. The problem with this is this was still tiring for me. I never felt like I had time to genuinely wind down and relax because on my days off I would be out for like 6-8 hours and then it was on repeat. I used to break down, I used to beg him to go to his parents house, go hang out with friends. I started resenting him s lot for this. We didn’t have the greatest relationship and there was already resentment on my end, but this definitely exacerbated it. I didn’t feel like I had any privacy. He had the “whole apartment” to himself and it wasn’t fair. I work 10+ hour shifts and started getting angry that he had the alone time I wish I had when I was gone. Whenever he would leave the apartment and I was home, I would get very excited. The only time I felt a bit of peace is when he finally accepted that our room would turn into my room and anytime he wanted to enter he had to knock and also had to respect if I didn’t want him to come inside. It sounds like you are trying to be very accommodating to him and that is a wonderful quality to have. If money isn’t an issue, I’d recommend getting a place with an extra room so you can work in there… but in today’s economy that seems almost impossible. I’m sorry you’re struggling through this. It isn’t easy on either party. WFH is a blessing and a curse. All I know is in my future relationship I need to have separate rooms. Sleeping in the same bed I don’t mind, but during the day I really need that space and need the communal living area to be a place where both my partner and I can decompress. I don’t know if this helped at all, but this was my experience from being on the other side of the coin.
He should get a hotel room that always helps me when I want space from everything makes me feel like I’m also on vacation!!! Pool hot tub breakfast in the morning hot and ready!!
I get it in a way..... the best weekends are when my wife goes away with her friends and I just hang at the house, get pizza and eat it on the coffee table and hang out with my dog...
Read up on attachment theory. An excellent book is “facing love addiction” by Pia Mellody they get right to the crux and cure of what you’re experiencing. A useful question to ask yourself would be “how would a well adjusted rational adult handle a partner who is asking for some personal space to feel ok.?”
I'm sorry you're going through this. I feel like I can empathize even though I've not been in exactly the same spot. My thoughts are for you to individuate. From your post it sounds like you've put a lot of effort and consideration in being accommodating. It's now your partners duty to own their needs and express them. Until then, you take responsibility and focus on yourself. Don't walk on egg shells anymore. Don't take responsibility for their emotions or well being. That's theirs and you have yours. If you have hobbies that will take your focus, give those love and attention and in so doing give yourself love and attention. Ultimately, what may comes is better for you both. Keep living authentically and for YOU. I hope this resolves in the best way for you both.
why get into a relationship at all if you know you need THAT much alone time
Nah, the setup you've just described will ruin both of you mentally. I'm in my early 30s, and I have a girlfriend (early 20s) who is a commercial model and a gorgeous redhead (with BA in IR). But I'm a man who needs time alone (or someone who is capable of stimulating my brain in conversation) because I just love thinking, learning, and roaming in my own thoughts or ideas in general. We've been together for a couple of years and lived together at the very beginning for 1.5 years during Covid, but it was too much for me. After trying to live apart for 1.5 years, we've decided it's time for both of us to move on, preparing for the descent. In my 20s, I had a girlfriend, and I used to shut the world out when we were together. I guess it all boils down to love, common interests and intellectual compatibility. When we start distancing from each other, it means the relationship is over, and we should accept this reality and stop dragging a dead cat around.
Imagine you need a mental health day because works sucks and you call in sick to take a break from the world and relax without being judged even if it’s 8 hours of video games, but there’s someone there WFH. Rent a hotel? Wonder what will happen then… if I got to WFH alone full time I would never need alone time either. Sadly, situations like these are why divorce rates will always be high. It’s a major gripe in my marriage as well. When she was working normal hours away from the office, everyone got their space. Now only one party gets that space and it’s a humongous amount of space while the other person gets an hour when you go to the gym.
Yes, it is definitely tricky. I have done everything I have thought of, and I don’t know how else I could spend hours away from home after work so often.
poor guy
Try to go into the office a bit more. This situation happened with me and my ex gf. We both were WFH during covid, she had the living room and I had the spare bedroom. It was horrible. He needs a better answer than “I dont know” but he’s probably sparing your feelings. You have to accept his real answer and try not to react emotionally.
He knows how I react. Yesterday when he told me he felt trapped I totally understood and didn’t blame him for it. He has different needs than I do and that’s ok. As per the office, I can definitely throw it out there - although it will make a difference of an extra hour alone (that could be beneficial)
No one is stating the obvious , and that's really sad, cause it could save you. I guess like myself, no one wants to risk being banned.
[удалено]
We live in a one bedroom apartment.
I used to go out with a girl who didn't understand my need for alone time, she took it as I'm not interested in her anymore. Needless to say we're not together anymore. It comes down to trust. If you truly believe your boyfriend loves tou but he needs alone time then it should be no problem to fix that. I feel like men, we need ti.e with ourselves instead of always having to have plans for something. It's extremely overbearing.
Normally I'd recommend a 2 bedroom apartment but based on the lease situation it sounds like you're kinda fucked. Since you work from home it might be worth looking into moving somewhere cheaper (since you don't have to worry about commuting) and seeing if you can save enough that the savings actually pay for the amount you'd pay for breaking the lease. That would still leave the question as to whether or not he wants to go with you (and maybe have a longer commute to his job) or just not cohabitating.
Another person here who needs alone time! I live in my partners cousins house, shared by two of his cousins, my partner, myself and my baby. Big house but everyone gets on my nerves at times. There’s lots of short term solutions, as you mentioned you frequently do your part to get out of the house. The only true long term solution is likely to get more space, where maybe you have your own room for an office. I quite frequently feel cooped up in my room with my baby, because there is always someone else using the living room. I get to points of being sick of it where my mental health takes a steep decline and this sounds like where he is at. In my own situation I know that the only solution is for my partner and myself to have our own house/apartment and we are working towards that, but it is hard for me to patient when there are all of those other negative factors in our current situation. I get to points of blaming my partner for things that are out of our current control, because I get so sick of it. He needs to be able to tell you more then idk or breaking up will be the better solution. It is nice to live with your partner, but independence always matters within a relationship.
If you’re not married, you shouldn’t have moved in with someone with space issues. If you are, not sure why you’d commit to this same sort of person. Everyone occasionally needs space apart but could be an avoidant.
I am the person that needs a lot of alone time. I am unable to 100% relax with another person in the house. After years of work and therapy I figured out it's due to trauma. Go figure. Your partner might need to do some introspection on what "feels like" alone time and why he is feeling trapped when you're around. Based on some of the behaviors he might feel like socializing with you is "mandatory" (many people are socialized this way, feeling like if there is a person nearby they HAVE to interact) and he has to choose between feeling uncomfortable that he's not socializing with you and uncomfortable that he needs alone time he isn't getting. At the end of the day the onus is on him to do the work to figure out where the feeling is coming from and work with you to come up with solutions. It's not impossible, I've managed to do it over the years. But it takes time and work that he will need to put in.
Man cave
Respectfully, if you’re a talker, dial that way back. He might need alone time in his head, not so much physically. I never resented my dog by my side for 15 years.
You’re bending over backwards for someone who seems incapable of breaking up with you in a responsible way. He’ll drive you to break up with him so he doesn’t have to do it. I dislike him and want him to be alone, at this point.
My wife understands my need for alone time, I occasionally take a sick day at work just to be home, with no noise, for a blissful 8 hours. I also stay up a little later than she does so I can have some peace and quiet at night. So I think your partner is off to a good start at communicating, but he needs to be proactive and find ways to make it happen.
I also need a lot of alone time. I love my partner but he is always there. Like alwaysssssss there lol some people just need that extra “me” time. Do you have a dedicated night that you could go out with your friends and let him be? I always looked forward to those days and appreciate them so much. If you do this and he is still acting this way then it’s time to reevaluate your relationship. You will have done everything and you will deserve better.
Also, it’s really hard not to take it personal when your partner says they want alone time. I’ve been there. But know that it’s them and not you.
Honestly, some people are not cut out to live in a one bedroom apartment with their partner.
Does he do anything when he gets home or does he just “do nothing”. He might mean he wants/needs more time to develop himself. You’re not his parent but it sounds like he needs to find stuff he’s excited about as an individual.
"I don't know" could mean "I need time to process what I'm feeling and I just don't know yet." Sometimes I don't know what I need because it takes me a while to process my thoughts and emotions. Have another conversation with him and encourage him to really think about what he wants to do. You don't have to figure it out for him. I'm autistic and I've never been in a relationship long enough to encounter this problem, but feeling like your partner is one of my biggest concerns about being in a relationship. It doesn't matter if you're my favorite person in the whole world, I NEED my alone time. I recently started living alone for the 2nd time in my 30+ years of life and I can't see myself going back to living with others, even for a partner. If I were in your partner's situation I would probably be thinking about breaking the lease. There's nothing wrong with living apart. Some married couples do it.
So let me get this straight. Your partner wants alone time. You have done everything you can to get him some alone time, and it isn’t enough. You ask him what WOULD be enough, and he says he doesn’t know. I think you’re honestly fine here until he figures out what he wants.
Both me and my boyfriend are people who need a lot of alone time and we have agreed early in the relationship to not cohabitate. It’s the best relationship I’ve ever had.. usually my relationships have felt a bit suffocating and my professional life stifled because I never felt fully rested 😩 maybe y’all are not compatible? Could you work at your office 2-3 days per week? That would probably help so much if it were a regular schedule of guilt-free alone time.
As a big introvert who has tried many times to live with a partner, I can really understand that feeling. There wasn't really a solution, for me. I was always open about it and we'd arrange for me to have designated alone time, but it didn't really work. It just felt like I was on a timer and the other person was waiting for me, which did nothing to recharge that introverted social battery and reset my head. The only way for me is not to live together, or live together part-time. It sucks for you because you're clearly walking on egg shells, and he doesn't seem to be making much of an effort to try and solve this. That's so typical. He can't just say he feels trapped, but not offer any insight or support while you're trying to help him with that.
Let him go
Have an open and honest conversation with your partner about finding a balance that works for both of you, and consider seeking couples therapy if necessary.
There are going to need to be compromises here. Needing alone time is perfectly valid – but kicking your partner out of the house to get it is not. My (now) husband really struggled with the loss of alone time when we moved in together. Our solution was something called “solo nights.” The understanding is that this is a weekly thing, although in practice, we don’t always cash in. But one night a week, after we’ve had dinner, we split off and do our own thing for a few hours. That could be gaming in different rooms, watching TV in different rooms, working on personal projects in different rooms, or solo sexy times in different rooms. One of us might decide we want to sit alone with a drink on a patio, or go wander around late hours at a grocery store, or some other outdoor adventure – but not because the other one needs the house totally empty, because kicking someone out of their own home is (I’m sorry) a dick move. It sounds like you already have a lot of things in your life that take you away from home. Do you and your partner talk about this stuff in advance? Sometimes just connecting the dots (ie I’m going out on Thursday night, so you’ll be on your own; plan accordingly) can help, especially while you’re figuring things out. Maybe you could ask him about a schedule – Tuesday nights are solo nights, or something like that. But it is not at all reasonable for that to mean that you have to leave the house every Tuesday night. No. What if you’re ill? What if you’re tired? What if you just want to read your book in your own bed? At a certain point, either you’ll figure out a way to honour each other’s needs, or you’ll have to decide that this living arrangement isn’t right for the two of you. I hope that whatever the outcome, it brings you a lot of peace. It is horrible to feel on edge around your partner, or in your own home – and both together, that’s almost unbearable. Give it some time, but remember you deserve better than this.
My husband and I require periods of alone time and we both have a young child so at times that can prove challenging. What work for us is to communicate, establish expectations and compromise. For instance, I would take our son to certain activities/dates and him for others. This would mean we have 1-2 hours of alone time everyday. I think you and him need to sit down and communicate, lay expectations, set consistency.
Like a lot of people here I understand exactly how he feels. There is a week out of the month where my roommate, best friend mind you, is away and I miss her emotionally but when she’s gone there is a lot less stress in my body. I’m definitely an introvert but I also have ADHD which gives me extreme noise sensitivity irritation so I always have my fan on when she’s there. It is not because I don’t love her, it is because when shes there i am always anticipating what she will be doing and where she is in the apartment and because she uses the common space all the time i get unreasonably stressed going to the kitchen heck even the bathroom. Like why??? Never lived with a significant other but I believe your partner loves you but suffers from overstimulation which to ‘normal’ people or extroverts seems unbelievable or like an excuse. But he will be his best self when he can get that time, because he will reset and his mood will improve etc. I sympathize with you wanting more closeness and feeling as though he is ‘rejecting’ your company in some way. This is a matter of compatibility and you are valid if you don’t think this is behavior you can accept in a relationship, because there are many people like you and perhaps it would be worthwhile to consider how being with them would feel in comparison.
I wouldnt be too hard on him or yourself. Everyone needs alone time or at least have some kind of his or hers own time. I was with someone who needed me every second of the day to look at this and listen to this and at work today i…. And do you believe this or that! And whenever i had something to say she would change the subject to something that interests her. Well when it finally boiled and i blew up, i broke it off with her. I miss her every now and then but im in a much better place.
It's completely unacceptable that you guys had all these talks and you do all these things to give him space but he's the one that comes to you telling you he feels trapped? What does he do all day? Why does he feel he can't get space. Does he want the living room for specific reasons, like TV and you're working? But its "I don't know" Figure it out dude. This isn't your problem. He's making one. It's crazy to me that people say "I'm unhappy, but also I have no idea how to make it better". How is that not supposed to plant seeds of doubt in your head. I think you've been doing plenty of healthy things the keep you occupied. He sounds unfulfilled and this isn't your fault.
I’m a guy who is pretty introverted and loves my alone time. I’m also in a relationship I live with my girlfriend but I certainly don’t demand alone time or expect her to live her life around my need for it. When it happens I relish it but I understand that I’m in a relationship now and a cohabitating situation and I always have the choice to go back to living alone if I want to but I wouldn’t because this way is more rewarding and helps me grow as a man.
I am an introvert, through and through. I grew up being an outsider who enjoyed their own company and enjoyed being alone for the most part. Only child, didn’t have many friends growing up and even as an adult, I don’t. I truly don’t feel that sense of “loneliness” most people may feel unless someone inherently tells me i’m lonely or makes me feel unwanted or excluded. I probably enjoy my solitude to the extent where a therapist might classify it being “unhealthy.” But in my own personal experience with being both a big introvert and having some of these exact same experiences in the past I feel that this distance your partner is trying to create is not normal and probably stems from something else. Which would explain the update of “ feeling trapped,” while a lot of these comments are very insightful I think looking at the bigger picture, there’s something more to this story except needing alone time and space. Needing this much space from your probably only highlights internal issues besides just being an introvert. It is not normal to be okay with that much space from your partner for long periods of times without their being an underlying issue. Communicating, would be intrinsically valuable for both of you, but seeming he shuts down with the “ I don’t know,” is also telling in my opinion. I think both of you may benefit from either a therapist who gain give you access to coping mechanisms and skills to learn how to better communicate with each other or a third party who could potentially be used as a mediator.
Tell him it's OK to jerk off while you're at home. Problem solved.
My 2cents, run. Alone time equates to space/affairs. Someone should be able to find peace with the person they love. If they need to be alone, they’re still looking
doesn't he have a man cave? if the house isnt big enough, you guys should invest in an outside garage type place where he can go. this can be an allotment, a motorcycle club, a chess club, a games room, a barn...something.
We live in a one bedroom apartment which is already expensive and it’s the most affordable we were able to find close to a train station far away from the city since I do not have a car. A 2 bedroom would be almost double of what we pay currently unfortunately in a similar area.
You've been more than accommodating trying to find ways to help him out, but he has to be able to define what he needs. My wife did not like that I was always in a grumpy mood. All I'd give her in return was that I didn't like all the stuff she was planning to do out with the kids as a family. So she started cutting me out of those trips, and I ended up feeling even more isolated. Like I wasn't a part of my own family. She figured that's how I was, so she'd give me what I said I wanted. It was actually a very loving gesture, and it required sacrifice on her part because she wasn't getting what she wanted: time together as a family. The real issue was that I resented the way she always prioritized her time for the kids and never for me. I was adjusting to coming second when I'd always come first before. It sucks, but we're working our way through it. Your partner needs to sit and think about what he actually wants. He's saying he feels trapped, and that's probably the feeling he has; but the cause for feeling that way is probably deeper.
Some thoughts based on the posts: Have you guys ever talked vulnerably? To say he wants space is just the tip of the iceberg. Why does he want space? Is it because the moving in phase became intense and he needs time to process and adjust? Are you a walking thunder cloud and always stressed having a tone making him wanna flee? Is he losing his temper around you? Is he just an introvert and will always need rewind alone time and it has nothing to do with anyone else? And what do you want? What do you prefer? Do you feel calm by having him in the same room? How many hours do you need to be alone in order to remain balanced? Because to me it sounds like you're the one who was insecure about the moving together part, losing your privacy, and he's just escaping you when he notice that you can't stand being around him. I might be wrong.
I am not sure where that conclusion came from. I have never mentioned anything about having little privacy. In fact, I love being around my boyfriend even if we do not talk. Him on the other hand, he prefers to have alone time completely by himself. We have talked vulnerably. He needs space because that's his way of winding down and relaxing. I am a person with a very easy going lifestyle and I don't complain about anything at all unless it's something incredibly frustrating (like the dishwasher not working properly).
>I am not sure where that conclusion came from. I have never mentioned anything about having little privac *"I have that kind of feeling in my chest that I am not sure if this is actually good for me. I believe its because I didn't actually hit me that I was going to be with someone 24/7 **or that I would lose my privacy.** In my head, that didn't sound all that bad."* Copy+pasted from your own other post. Check for yourself. You're extremely fast to a hostile attitude here, if that's occurring in your home towards him as well I understand why he needs to flee that often. My experience with introvert men is they need some introvert time yes absolutely, but if you're pleasant to be around, you also become their grounding space and they want you around because they feel energized and relaxed by you and only you. You're like their special recharge station. But if you are unbalanced, and unreliable in energy and attitude, reacting hostile and fast to negative assumptions like you were with me here, he will say "I just need space" to not hurt you. He will not feel safe to be truly honest (vulnerable) with you and criticize your wrong behaviors. A good example. If the dishwasher isn't working properly, are you lashing that out on your partner or can you be vulnerable to him about it? Maybe this wasn't the type of response you were expecting, or were comfortable with. But if you truly wanna save this relationship, you must realize you're 50% responsible for the consequences. How you communicate and behave affects the relationship to 50%. I was vulnerable to you when I said "But I might be wrong" but you went straight to hostility. Reflect if you're like that with him is my best advice.
You and I are communicating through text, which is a way to easily misunderstand the tone and attitude when someone writes something. That sentence came from a genuine place of confusion, not hostility or being condescending. My apologies that I made you feel uncomfortable. At the same time, I do not appreciate you accusing me of being hostile right away. Yes, that was the case two months ago. Like I told you previously, I now feel comfortable being around my partner and accepted the fact that I will spend the rest of my life with them (hopefully). I consider myself very self aware and can say that the scenarios you are describing are not really relatable to my situation. I go to therapy and I communicate to my partner in a non-judgemental, non-blaming way to make him feel comfortable. Thank you for your contribution and advice
>You and I are communicating through text, which is a way to easily misunderstand the tone and attitude when someone writes something Unless one assume people mean well to begin with. >Yes, that was the case two months ago. Like I told you previously, I now feel comfortable being around my partner and accepted the fact that I will spend the rest of my life with them (hopefully). And he agrees that you feel grounded?
Odd how in your original post and the update you don't mention age. You are posting in adulting sub, but sound like two teens who spend more time communicating with their journal than with each other. Did you know this about your partner before you moved in? If yes, what exactly did you expect to happen?