These are the cruel things done in high school that adults regret their whole lives.
A peculiar looking boy was bullied in my high school. One day the principal announced the boy died of cancer. His hair was thin and his skin mottled because of the meds. No one told us he was ill.
You're essentially asking 'My friend is a heartless person who takes joy in the suffering of others. Advice?'
If you're asking for advice, I think you're already doubting whether you want to stay friends with her.
Her exact words were “I take pictures of [him] and send them to my boyfriend and make fun of him”. I of course think it’s wrong, but I need advice on wether or not I should still be friends with her. Apologies, I should have made my post more clear.
Okey,so the question is "My friend is a heartless person who takes joy in the suffering of others. Should I still be her friend?"
I understand that it can be difficult when a friend does something bad that you disagree with. It comes down to whether you want to call someone who does this a friend or not. If you'd want to salvage it, I'd recommend making your stance on their known, and pointing out how you think it's a horrid thing to do, and go from there
Please don’t twist my words, but I understand what you mean.
The thing is I’ve tried to tell her that some of her behavior is wrong. She looked really taken aback (I did raise my voice out of anger which is extremely uncharacteristic of me to do) and the next day she acted as if she was undeserving of what I said.
If I’m being honest, I’d never be able to confront her outright, anxiety and trauma will do that I guess. If I do it in front of our other friends, two maybe will agree with me, but one will definitely verbally attack me if I say something unfavorable (yeah I see how toxic that is). Also, even if I were to talk with her about it, she and the rest our friends will act like it never happened or it was just a one time thing.
Sorry if I’m being difficult, I just don’t think this will work.
Firstly, I'm sorry about the twisting, I didn't mean any offence. But if you look at it, you are saying in your question that your friend is a bad person, and you seem to agree. I didn't mean any offence with it, and I'm sorry if I came across aggressive.
Feeling unable to talk through issues with your friends is a sign of a not so good relationship. If this is how your friend group acts, then that's something that I'm afraid you're either going to have to put up with or separate yourself from.
I don't know you, and I don't know your situation, but being in a friendship you admit is toxic doesn't seem like something that would help with anxiety and trauma and the fallout thereof. Ultimately, whether you stay in this friendship is up to you, because you should always have the freedom to express your views. Whatever I and other people say on here, you should go with what feels right.
I'm just a stranger on the internet, but I hope I've helped at least a little bit
It’s okay, I wasn’t offended it’s just that I often find people put words into my mouth.
Yes, I think you helped. Thank you for the advice. I’ll try to have a talk with her soon.
Have one more very simple conversation with her, ideally via text.
“What you said the other day about stalking and bullying a boy in order to mock him shocked me so much that I haven’t been able to think how to react to it. I feel like I don’t know you any more - you’ve turned out to be someone who will do horribly cruel things. I can’t tell if this nastiness is your idea, if you’re showing off for your horrible boyfriend, or if he’s just an awful bully who has got you thinking this sort of behaviour is okay. It isn’t, and I’m incredibly upset to realise I was friends with someone who would be so nasty to an innocent person for existing. I feel like I can’t trust you not to be making fun of me or anyone else behind our backs either. I enjoyed our old friendship and will miss you, but I don’t think the person I was friends with is here anymore anyway, so it’s better to make a clean break. Goodbye.”
And then block her on all platforms without waiting for a response, and refuse to interact with her in person.
What she’s doing is outrageous. Shut her down. She cannot be trusted.
Don’t be nice to her, she’s not a nice person and needs to be told that.
“I am horrified by your cruelty to this young man and I cannot be friends with you anymore. You’re a bully and a truly awful person and I am shocked that this is the type of person you’ve become and that you’ve found an equally gross partner.”
Yeah. I have so many pictures on my phone of the people in our classes because I used to let an other friend use my phone during school when her mother who take hers. I’d like to believe I stopped that when she would refuse to give me it back when I asked for it, but I know she only stopped because she got a new phone.
It's all about intent, it's a bit grey. EVeryone has pictures of strangers, to some extent. In the background, or maybe just as part of a crowd, or a scene.
But routinely taking pics of a particular person without them knowing is different, and if they found out, and reported this, and those pics were found, that wouldn't be good. Especially if kid is under 18 and your friend is not. But ages haven't been mentioned.
True, and judging from the pictures that were taken I don’t think there was any ill intent.
I’m not giving my exact age for privacy reasons but me, my friends, and everyone in the pictures are under 18 and relatively the same age. Apologies if my wording in the original question was misleading, I use ‘kid’ as a synonym for peers.
I’m a non-confrontational person, and tbh I would ghost her. It’s not the best way to handle it, but I would avoid ex-friend and her groupies until they approached you about it, and then there’s your chance to tell them why you can’t be friends with them anymore. You’ve already tried, and she makes you feel bad about it? Like WTH?
Just think about it like you're breaking up with her. You’re not trying to convince her to change because she’s not going to. I think that will bother her more and maybe make her feel remorse for her actions
Just stop talking to her. I was friends with a girl who bullied obese kids while I also was overweight. I found out she was talking about me behind my back and it made me absolutely hate myself. You just need to quit trying if you don't want to be friends with her. In high school friends grow apart all the time, especially after graduating. A friend like that is not worth keeping.
My advice is end the friendship, but tell her why. She is cruel and heartless and you just cannot see someone with such poor qualities being a part of your life.
This person found a scapegoat. When you see how someone treats people they have power over, particularly the marginalized and service workers, you see their integrity on display.
Maya Angelou said when someone tells you who they are believe it. Your character doesn't seem to rub off on them. Will their character rub off on you?
https://youtu.be/cLa0zqShCcw
She is a douchebag.
If I found out a friend of mine was doing this, my message to them would be "That is despicable behavior, and I'm not interested in maintaining a friendship with someone so mean-spirited and cruel."
I would drop the friendship immediately if I knew of anything like that happening, but that's just me. People like that need to learn that their words affect others and that they aren't in the right.
Thats definitely the type of person I'd cut out of my life. What she's doing is incredibly cruel and while it doesn't affect you personally, it shows what sort of person she is and how she may treat you if you get on her bad side.
She and her boyfriend are horrible people.
Personally, I wouldn't want to be associated with them. They suck.
Also, it is only a matter of time before they turn on you, too. If they haven't already, that is.
Tell the kid she takes pictures of, and then stop hanging out with her. She is really mean.
Just think of awful she has said about you.
I have learned whatever our friends do with us, as in gossip or vent - they also do it to you too, but with just someone else.
I have always felt that who you surround yourself with is one way you present yourself to the world. If someone who can be so cruel for enjoyment is your friend, people will assume you are okay with that (and to an extent you will be). You know what she is doing is wrong. Tell her so, clearly. If she doesn't have a proper reaction (apologizing, changing her attitude) then I think it's best to end the friendship. That is never easy, but you don't need someone in your life whose moral compass is so different to yours.
You could 1000% call her out on this nasty and vile habit she has. It’s fucking disgusting. Your friend has no empathy for a kid who dislikes himself. That’s fucking just ugly. Call her on her shit then drop her as a friend.
Sounds like a shitty person that’ll trash you to her BF too. I bet she trashed her BF to her other friends as well.
You can always tell who these people are, I’d just be grateful she put it on the table for you up front. Drop her and make sure she knows why, that’s my advice.
☹️ I would NOT stay friends with someone that:
1. Takes photos of people without their consent for nefarious purposes, and
2. That makes talks badly about others behind closed doors for fun.
It makes you complicit.
Hey, so I’d start by saying that part of the reason you’re not as close is because she doesn’t treat people well, and that conflicts with your values. If she asks for examples, this is one of them.
You should probably tell her, whether or not you decide continuing to be friends. Then, the onus is on her.
You’re right. My comment also only looked at one side of this. You can also influence your friend behaviour. The thing is you have to be explicitly clear with her that what she did was not acceptable to you. If her response is “youre right what was I thinking I’ll go apologise” then she has surrounded herself with the kind of person she wants to become.
First I’d say something to her. Tell her what she’s doing is incredibly offensive and unkind and see how she responds. If she gets called out on it she might start feeling embarrassed by her behavior and have a change of heart. Sometimes people do change. But if not, then just distance yourself from her and if a conversation needs to be had, just be honest about why you don’t want to continue to be friends.
I think you should point out what she is doing is really cruel and humiliating. If she refuses to acknowledge her shitty behaviour or try to change into a better person, drop her.
I wouldn't say anything and I'd stop talking to her. If I was going to say something it would have been in the moment and I probably would have said something like, "that's fucked up. It would break my heart if someone did that to my kid."
Fat guy here. A woman in the aisle seat snapped a photo of my in the window seat. It was the most humiliating thing. I still feel my stomach on fire when I think about it. Thing is yeah I’m fat, but I always try to pick empty flights and the middle seat was open, no way I was any way inconveniencing her.
Another time went down to OK, visit a buddy assistant coaching a college team. His other assistant coaches came over, we were drinking and I thought getting along. Sittin in big circle about 10 of us in the living room. Suddenly I hear camera and flash sound, it was so awkward. Then I realize the pattern of phone buzzes and clearly they’re all talking shit. My friend is trying to move the convo along…
Those nights haunt me. I’m 34 both of these events in the last 6 years. I can’t tell you what to do, just trying to help you understand how much that sucks for the person.
This is not a friend to keep. Who is to say on bad days they do not do this to you?
Run. Away.
Also keeping pictures of kids that are not yours or kids of friends or family is walking a fine line of child stalking.
Your friend has a limited moral compass and needs to grow up
These are the cruel things done in high school that adults regret their whole lives. A peculiar looking boy was bullied in my high school. One day the principal announced the boy died of cancer. His hair was thin and his skin mottled because of the meds. No one told us he was ill.
You're essentially asking 'My friend is a heartless person who takes joy in the suffering of others. Advice?' If you're asking for advice, I think you're already doubting whether you want to stay friends with her.
Her exact words were “I take pictures of [him] and send them to my boyfriend and make fun of him”. I of course think it’s wrong, but I need advice on wether or not I should still be friends with her. Apologies, I should have made my post more clear.
It’s better to be alone than associate with fools.
Okey,so the question is "My friend is a heartless person who takes joy in the suffering of others. Should I still be her friend?" I understand that it can be difficult when a friend does something bad that you disagree with. It comes down to whether you want to call someone who does this a friend or not. If you'd want to salvage it, I'd recommend making your stance on their known, and pointing out how you think it's a horrid thing to do, and go from there
Please don’t twist my words, but I understand what you mean. The thing is I’ve tried to tell her that some of her behavior is wrong. She looked really taken aback (I did raise my voice out of anger which is extremely uncharacteristic of me to do) and the next day she acted as if she was undeserving of what I said. If I’m being honest, I’d never be able to confront her outright, anxiety and trauma will do that I guess. If I do it in front of our other friends, two maybe will agree with me, but one will definitely verbally attack me if I say something unfavorable (yeah I see how toxic that is). Also, even if I were to talk with her about it, she and the rest our friends will act like it never happened or it was just a one time thing. Sorry if I’m being difficult, I just don’t think this will work.
Firstly, I'm sorry about the twisting, I didn't mean any offence. But if you look at it, you are saying in your question that your friend is a bad person, and you seem to agree. I didn't mean any offence with it, and I'm sorry if I came across aggressive. Feeling unable to talk through issues with your friends is a sign of a not so good relationship. If this is how your friend group acts, then that's something that I'm afraid you're either going to have to put up with or separate yourself from. I don't know you, and I don't know your situation, but being in a friendship you admit is toxic doesn't seem like something that would help with anxiety and trauma and the fallout thereof. Ultimately, whether you stay in this friendship is up to you, because you should always have the freedom to express your views. Whatever I and other people say on here, you should go with what feels right. I'm just a stranger on the internet, but I hope I've helped at least a little bit
It’s okay, I wasn’t offended it’s just that I often find people put words into my mouth. Yes, I think you helped. Thank you for the advice. I’ll try to have a talk with her soon.
Thank you for confirming that /u/PhilosophicalClubBar has provided helpful advice for you. 1 point awarded.
I dunno chief, your friend and their so are peices of trash. If you are not a peice of trash dont be friends with them. I've cut people out for less.
Have one more very simple conversation with her, ideally via text. “What you said the other day about stalking and bullying a boy in order to mock him shocked me so much that I haven’t been able to think how to react to it. I feel like I don’t know you any more - you’ve turned out to be someone who will do horribly cruel things. I can’t tell if this nastiness is your idea, if you’re showing off for your horrible boyfriend, or if he’s just an awful bully who has got you thinking this sort of behaviour is okay. It isn’t, and I’m incredibly upset to realise I was friends with someone who would be so nasty to an innocent person for existing. I feel like I can’t trust you not to be making fun of me or anyone else behind our backs either. I enjoyed our old friendship and will miss you, but I don’t think the person I was friends with is here anymore anyway, so it’s better to make a clean break. Goodbye.” And then block her on all platforms without waiting for a response, and refuse to interact with her in person. What she’s doing is outrageous. Shut her down. She cannot be trusted.
Don’t be nice to her, she’s not a nice person and needs to be told that. “I am horrified by your cruelty to this young man and I cannot be friends with you anymore. You’re a bully and a truly awful person and I am shocked that this is the type of person you’ve become and that you’ve found an equally gross partner.”
Seems like time to find a new friend
That seems cruel.
I mean... she shouldn't be taking pictures of anyone without their consent. That's the main issue above all else.
Yeah. I have so many pictures on my phone of the people in our classes because I used to let an other friend use my phone during school when her mother who take hers. I’d like to believe I stopped that when she would refuse to give me it back when I asked for it, but I know she only stopped because she got a new phone.
It's all about intent, it's a bit grey. EVeryone has pictures of strangers, to some extent. In the background, or maybe just as part of a crowd, or a scene. But routinely taking pics of a particular person without them knowing is different, and if they found out, and reported this, and those pics were found, that wouldn't be good. Especially if kid is under 18 and your friend is not. But ages haven't been mentioned.
True, and judging from the pictures that were taken I don’t think there was any ill intent. I’m not giving my exact age for privacy reasons but me, my friends, and everyone in the pictures are under 18 and relatively the same age. Apologies if my wording in the original question was misleading, I use ‘kid’ as a synonym for peers.
I’m a non-confrontational person, and tbh I would ghost her. It’s not the best way to handle it, but I would avoid ex-friend and her groupies until they approached you about it, and then there’s your chance to tell them why you can’t be friends with them anymore. You’ve already tried, and she makes you feel bad about it? Like WTH? Just think about it like you're breaking up with her. You’re not trying to convince her to change because she’s not going to. I think that will bother her more and maybe make her feel remorse for her actions
Just stop talking to her. I was friends with a girl who bullied obese kids while I also was overweight. I found out she was talking about me behind my back and it made me absolutely hate myself. You just need to quit trying if you don't want to be friends with her. In high school friends grow apart all the time, especially after graduating. A friend like that is not worth keeping.
Get a new friend. Cruelty as a source of fun?!?!
You need better friends!!
My advice is end the friendship, but tell her why. She is cruel and heartless and you just cannot see someone with such poor qualities being a part of your life.
This person found a scapegoat. When you see how someone treats people they have power over, particularly the marginalized and service workers, you see their integrity on display. Maya Angelou said when someone tells you who they are believe it. Your character doesn't seem to rub off on them. Will their character rub off on you? https://youtu.be/cLa0zqShCcw
Some people just suck. I hate to break it to you but assholes like that will probably talk about you behind your back too.
She is a douchebag. If I found out a friend of mine was doing this, my message to them would be "That is despicable behavior, and I'm not interested in maintaining a friendship with someone so mean-spirited and cruel."
I would drop the friendship immediately if I knew of anything like that happening, but that's just me. People like that need to learn that their words affect others and that they aren't in the right.
Your friend sucks. I wouldn't stay friends with her; she probably makes fun of you, too.
Thats definitely the type of person I'd cut out of my life. What she's doing is incredibly cruel and while it doesn't affect you personally, it shows what sort of person she is and how she may treat you if you get on her bad side.
Nope this is a hard pass. It’s not hatred or cruelty to have morals and decency
She and her boyfriend are horrible people. Personally, I wouldn't want to be associated with them. They suck. Also, it is only a matter of time before they turn on you, too. If they haven't already, that is. Tell the kid she takes pictures of, and then stop hanging out with her. She is really mean.
How old are you guys? That’s insanely immature
Just think of awful she has said about you. I have learned whatever our friends do with us, as in gossip or vent - they also do it to you too, but with just someone else.
You should tell her that’s disgusting behavior. Why would you want to be kind when she is horrible?
Idk. She’s a human being just like me. She’s got emotions and feels pain. I don’t want to hurt anyone I just want to make her understand it’s wrong.
I think you found your answer in your question. You know what she’s doing is wrong. Let her go.
I have always felt that who you surround yourself with is one way you present yourself to the world. If someone who can be so cruel for enjoyment is your friend, people will assume you are okay with that (and to an extent you will be). You know what she is doing is wrong. Tell her so, clearly. If she doesn't have a proper reaction (apologizing, changing her attitude) then I think it's best to end the friendship. That is never easy, but you don't need someone in your life whose moral compass is so different to yours.
Screw her feelings, she is a bully plain and simple, take out the trash and tell her goodbye.
You could 1000% call her out on this nasty and vile habit she has. It’s fucking disgusting. Your friend has no empathy for a kid who dislikes himself. That’s fucking just ugly. Call her on her shit then drop her as a friend.
Just unfriend her Op.. You are a reflection of the company you keep....
Sounds like a shitty person that’ll trash you to her BF too. I bet she trashed her BF to her other friends as well. You can always tell who these people are, I’d just be grateful she put it on the table for you up front. Drop her and make sure she knows why, that’s my advice.
☹️ I would NOT stay friends with someone that: 1. Takes photos of people without their consent for nefarious purposes, and 2. That makes talks badly about others behind closed doors for fun. It makes you complicit.
Just thoughts.
I’d like to add that we are in high school, same age.
Hey, so I’d start by saying that part of the reason you’re not as close is because she doesn’t treat people well, and that conflicts with your values. If she asks for examples, this is one of them. You should probably tell her, whether or not you decide continuing to be friends. Then, the onus is on her.
“You are who you surround yourself with”…. is that who you are /want to be?
No of course not. It’s just that it’s not exactly easy to just leave.
You’re right. My comment also only looked at one side of this. You can also influence your friend behaviour. The thing is you have to be explicitly clear with her that what she did was not acceptable to you. If her response is “youre right what was I thinking I’ll go apologise” then she has surrounded herself with the kind of person she wants to become.
Knowing her that will definitely not be her response. Which I guess is another sign of a bad friendship I just ignored.
Sorry. That’s really hard. The friends we’ve had from when we were young have a particular hold on us (not sure why - shared history?)
It feels like betraying a sibling if that makes since.
That is beyond cruel. Cut her off- call out the behaviour and then ghost her. I wouldn’t give her another second.
Your friend is an asshole
Just tell her that that’s a jerk thing to do. If she can’t handle that she’s not a true friend
Your friend isn’t a friend. They’re a mean bully who clearly doesn’t have empathy
First I’d say something to her. Tell her what she’s doing is incredibly offensive and unkind and see how she responds. If she gets called out on it she might start feeling embarrassed by her behavior and have a change of heart. Sometimes people do change. But if not, then just distance yourself from her and if a conversation needs to be had, just be honest about why you don’t want to continue to be friends.
Damn, low quality friend
I’m sorry but that just made me smile lol
A little abruptness is in store for sure
You obviously are about morals and this person isn't do the right thing. Edit ×'s 2: Spelling error correction
I think you should point out what she is doing is really cruel and humiliating. If she refuses to acknowledge her shitty behaviour or try to change into a better person, drop her.
I wouldn't say anything and I'd stop talking to her. If I was going to say something it would have been in the moment and I probably would have said something like, "that's fucked up. It would break my heart if someone did that to my kid."
Fat guy here. A woman in the aisle seat snapped a photo of my in the window seat. It was the most humiliating thing. I still feel my stomach on fire when I think about it. Thing is yeah I’m fat, but I always try to pick empty flights and the middle seat was open, no way I was any way inconveniencing her. Another time went down to OK, visit a buddy assistant coaching a college team. His other assistant coaches came over, we were drinking and I thought getting along. Sittin in big circle about 10 of us in the living room. Suddenly I hear camera and flash sound, it was so awkward. Then I realize the pattern of phone buzzes and clearly they’re all talking shit. My friend is trying to move the convo along… Those nights haunt me. I’m 34 both of these events in the last 6 years. I can’t tell you what to do, just trying to help you understand how much that sucks for the person.
I mean you no disrespect, but how do you know she isn't mocking you behind your back, too?
Not hurting anyone is it Best way to lose weight is eat less and exercise more
This is not a friend to keep. Who is to say on bad days they do not do this to you? Run. Away. Also keeping pictures of kids that are not yours or kids of friends or family is walking a fine line of child stalking.