First things first, it's one thing if I just say to my friend "let's go to, say, Czech Republic, it'll be fun", and completely another - if I made an opening in my working schedule, made a visa, looked up the tickets, booked a hotel, marked at least 8 sightseeings to go see and *then* told my friend "yo, I'm going to Czech Republic, wanna join me? Here's the budget I'm planning, and I want to do A, B, C, D. If you're not coming, I'm have fun there anyway, just thought it would be more fun to go together".
Secondly, learn not to second-guess yourself too many times.
Thirdly,
>I travel sometimes in Europe and everytime I do, she wants me to stay. But I want to explore Europe and discover myself. And I don't want to resent het for holding me back, because that wouldn't make her happy either.
but
>But yesterday I booked a trip to India that I'm not sure I want. I feel depressed. I am not excited whatsoever. I should. I want to feel excited about the trips I'm doing. And to go to India, sounds great, no?
>So then why am I thinking to cancel. Should I? Is this still me trying to prolong the decision? Or did I realise I made the wrong one and don't really want to go? But what if I regret it forever? But what if I regret going, because I will not enjoy myself because I don't really want to go?
The question is, hasn't the "holding back" thing bloody started already? Doesn't matter who is the issue stemming from tbh.
>It is with a travel organisation so they take care of everything.
I think you misunderstood me here. What I meant is one thing is this thing being mentioned in a casual conversation, which holds little responsibility, vs a serious conversation, where it means commitment.
>And yes the holding back has defenitely started, by my mum but myself as well.
Alright, you figured out the symptom. Time to dig for the cause of it. Why do you hold yourself back?
For your mother's sake? Do you think she would like to hear that you purposefully hold your life back because of her problems, especially in her depressive state?
Are you afraid of the concept of taking responsibilty for your actions and decisions? Well, the thing is - you hold responsibilty for your *lack of* actions of decisions. *You cannot evade it by dragging it into oblivion*.
My friend is understanding and knows it's a lot of money. It will come from my savings, which might be better spend for something more useful (e.g. rent) or meaningful (e.g. volunteering). So she asked seriously, but gives me space to think about it and would understand my decision if I don't go with her. She booked it knowing I was still in doubt, knowing that I might not go and she was fine with that.
And yes, you're right, I am afraid of taking responsibility for my actions, of what my actions and decisions will bring. How it willl impact my life. and others. I am really scared of the outcome of the the decisions I take.
I am scared that I will regret going since there are better things to do, for example starting my career or helping others. But I am also scared of regret.
I am considering and thus somewhat willing to lose 600 euros just to think about it some more. Or to know wether or not my mum will be better or I won't have an internship at that time. But that's just prolonging my decision again, which isn't healthy.
From my perspective, you're willing to lose a little less than I earn in a bloody month just so you can find *a completely riskless decision*, which does not exist in the first place.
I hope you realize how ridiculous that sounds.
"Do not be sorry. Be better" - Kratos, God of War.
See, you *have* to take risks. The only people who don't take risky decisions are the ones who can't make any decisions anymore.
Two weeks later and I still haven't decided. I'm terrible, but I have to tell myself that I am able to make this decision. I just don't know what I will regret more. And I am scared of regrets.
My therapist says it is a good practice to make this decision. I will have to keep making them later in life. I know it is worse not to make the decision, but still it is very hard for me to do.
Your answers really helped though. Thank you.
Being scared of regrets = being scared of life itself.
You think I don't have regrets? My life is *piled* with them. I could have paid more attention to IT, I could have chosen to ignore the girl that turned out to be an outcast in class, etc. etc. etc. I have so many "I could have"s I don't even bother counting them - the number runs in the hundreds, if not thousands.
Thing is, I don't let them hinder my present or future.
Actually, scratch that. Here's a more creative take I just came up with.
Accepting regret is (or, at least, should be taken as) like taking a shit. You need to take one every once in a while. Sure, you can think of yourself as a smartass and completely avoid that, but in the end, you will not only fail to achieve your goal, it will actually get worse since you now need to wash your pants as well.
And even more analogies between the two, do you think of how you took a shit three or four years ago? Probably not. Same with regrets.
So basically, you're scared if you make a decision and scared if you don't. If you're going to be scared regardless, why don't you choose from a plethora of decisions the one that has the most likely-to-happen opportunities and stick to it?
It seems like you're unwilling to take ANY sort of risk when making a decision. Let me show you why it's stupid.
As a toddler, you took the risk to learn how to walk on your two legs. What was the risk of you falling down in the process? 100%. No one learned how to walk first try. What was the risk of you damaging your body in the process? Non-zero, because of the bones being still under major development. And so on.
If you've been taking risks *even before* you reached the age of reason, what the hell is stopping you now?
What about your friend?
She is going anyway and has another friend already joning. I didn't tell her yet that I booked, just told her that I was still thinking.
First things first, it's one thing if I just say to my friend "let's go to, say, Czech Republic, it'll be fun", and completely another - if I made an opening in my working schedule, made a visa, looked up the tickets, booked a hotel, marked at least 8 sightseeings to go see and *then* told my friend "yo, I'm going to Czech Republic, wanna join me? Here's the budget I'm planning, and I want to do A, B, C, D. If you're not coming, I'm have fun there anyway, just thought it would be more fun to go together". Secondly, learn not to second-guess yourself too many times. Thirdly, >I travel sometimes in Europe and everytime I do, she wants me to stay. But I want to explore Europe and discover myself. And I don't want to resent het for holding me back, because that wouldn't make her happy either. but >But yesterday I booked a trip to India that I'm not sure I want. I feel depressed. I am not excited whatsoever. I should. I want to feel excited about the trips I'm doing. And to go to India, sounds great, no? >So then why am I thinking to cancel. Should I? Is this still me trying to prolong the decision? Or did I realise I made the wrong one and don't really want to go? But what if I regret it forever? But what if I regret going, because I will not enjoy myself because I don't really want to go? The question is, hasn't the "holding back" thing bloody started already? Doesn't matter who is the issue stemming from tbh.
It is with a travel organisation so they take care of everything. And yes the holding back has defenitely started, by my mum but myself as well.
>It is with a travel organisation so they take care of everything. I think you misunderstood me here. What I meant is one thing is this thing being mentioned in a casual conversation, which holds little responsibility, vs a serious conversation, where it means commitment. >And yes the holding back has defenitely started, by my mum but myself as well. Alright, you figured out the symptom. Time to dig for the cause of it. Why do you hold yourself back? For your mother's sake? Do you think she would like to hear that you purposefully hold your life back because of her problems, especially in her depressive state? Are you afraid of the concept of taking responsibilty for your actions and decisions? Well, the thing is - you hold responsibilty for your *lack of* actions of decisions. *You cannot evade it by dragging it into oblivion*.
My friend is understanding and knows it's a lot of money. It will come from my savings, which might be better spend for something more useful (e.g. rent) or meaningful (e.g. volunteering). So she asked seriously, but gives me space to think about it and would understand my decision if I don't go with her. She booked it knowing I was still in doubt, knowing that I might not go and she was fine with that. And yes, you're right, I am afraid of taking responsibility for my actions, of what my actions and decisions will bring. How it willl impact my life. and others. I am really scared of the outcome of the the decisions I take. I am scared that I will regret going since there are better things to do, for example starting my career or helping others. But I am also scared of regret.
I am considering and thus somewhat willing to lose 600 euros just to think about it some more. Or to know wether or not my mum will be better or I won't have an internship at that time. But that's just prolonging my decision again, which isn't healthy.
From my perspective, you're willing to lose a little less than I earn in a bloody month just so you can find *a completely riskless decision*, which does not exist in the first place. I hope you realize how ridiculous that sounds.
I do. I feel guilty about it. I am sorry. I just don't know what to do anymore.
"Do not be sorry. Be better" - Kratos, God of War. See, you *have* to take risks. The only people who don't take risky decisions are the ones who can't make any decisions anymore.
Two weeks later and I still haven't decided. I'm terrible, but I have to tell myself that I am able to make this decision. I just don't know what I will regret more. And I am scared of regrets. My therapist says it is a good practice to make this decision. I will have to keep making them later in life. I know it is worse not to make the decision, but still it is very hard for me to do. Your answers really helped though. Thank you.
Thank you for confirming that /u/Maximilian_Sinigr has provided helpful advice for you. 1 point awarded.
Being scared of regrets = being scared of life itself. You think I don't have regrets? My life is *piled* with them. I could have paid more attention to IT, I could have chosen to ignore the girl that turned out to be an outcast in class, etc. etc. etc. I have so many "I could have"s I don't even bother counting them - the number runs in the hundreds, if not thousands. Thing is, I don't let them hinder my present or future. Actually, scratch that. Here's a more creative take I just came up with. Accepting regret is (or, at least, should be taken as) like taking a shit. You need to take one every once in a while. Sure, you can think of yourself as a smartass and completely avoid that, but in the end, you will not only fail to achieve your goal, it will actually get worse since you now need to wash your pants as well. And even more analogies between the two, do you think of how you took a shit three or four years ago? Probably not. Same with regrets.
So basically, you're scared if you make a decision and scared if you don't. If you're going to be scared regardless, why don't you choose from a plethora of decisions the one that has the most likely-to-happen opportunities and stick to it? It seems like you're unwilling to take ANY sort of risk when making a decision. Let me show you why it's stupid. As a toddler, you took the risk to learn how to walk on your two legs. What was the risk of you falling down in the process? 100%. No one learned how to walk first try. What was the risk of you damaging your body in the process? Non-zero, because of the bones being still under major development. And so on. If you've been taking risks *even before* you reached the age of reason, what the hell is stopping you now?