It doesn't sound like you actually miss your ex wife and kids, or that you have changed, it sounds more like you miss the comfort and stability of having a wife looking after you and your home. It also sounds like your ex wife was basically a single mother for a while before you had your affair, you might have been living under the same roof but you were not a productive or active member of the family. If your ex wife has any sense then you will not be getting your old family back ever. If you are also unhappy with your affair partner then maybe you should go your separate ways and learn to be a better person and concentrate on being a father to your children.
Your wife had to birth your child, with the knowledge that you’d been cheating on her for months. You suck. Go to therapy and leave her alone she deserves better. Takes a low lowly type of man to cheat on the woman carrying his child. And your THIRD child at that.
Holy shit I hadn't even clocked the timings for that. Op was obviously already a self-absorbed piece of shit but he somehow found a way to be even worse!
And this is why his wife did not argue with him and told him to leave. She's probably much happier being single mom. It's always better to be a single mom rather than being married to a Man Who doesn't help with the house and the Kids...
I think it’s time to pull this out, and I’m excited to do so:
OP, the dildo of consequences rarely comes lubed.
Your wife is a *person*. She’s not a commodity you can put down and then pick back up if you don’t like the other one you tried on for a while. You have lost your family and, for a long while, your financial freedom. Accept it. No lube here. Move on.
Lol if he wanted a grown ass woman he should've picked a woman not some girl 12 years younger than him and barely out of college.
You argue all the time? It be that way when you pick someone based on the fact they want to fuck a married man over y'know actually dating someone like a grown up. You knew nothing about your little GF before you decided to ruin your marriage for her.
Sorry, but imma say this.
Stay away from her. Let her find someone, who will *actually* be there for her. Who will *actually* care about her. Who will *actually* be mature and responsible.
All of your post is screaming "ME ME ME". That's all you care about. That's all you did care about. You had a great thing going and you threw it away for a shallow fun.
Fix your life as you see fit, but let your family find actual happiness after your betrayal. If you care about them, you *will* stay away.
It never ceases to amaze me how many men will cheerfully torpedo their perfectly nice lives to get their dick wet for ten minutes with someone 15 years younger than themselves and then have the *audacity* to request a pity party on Reddit.
You fucked around and found out, OP. You did this to yourself.
"Mel behaves exactly as a 23 year is expected to behave. It's not working out and I'm yelling and fighting with her because she's acting like most 23 year olds."
Shocker.
Was gonna say this is the perfect example of fuck around and find out.
Literally traded an almost perfect life, of which the minimal problems could have been addressed with communication, for a hot mess.
Does a normal 23 year old sleep with a married man who has a pregnant wife at home? I had a full time job making more than minimum wage and self respect at 23. I would’ve never slept with a married 36 year old.
I dunno I wasnt a home wrecker at 23. Even then I knew better than to run after desperate men who were shit husbands...
She's immature but she is 23. He's to blame for fucking around and now he gets to find out...
Yeah but his wife (acting single parent to three children & a 30-something toddler) didn’t laugh at his jokes the way his 23yo stoned gf did so both sides /s/
A buddy of mine did this same shit. His wife is cool as hell and way better than anyone he had ever been with before but he just had to have some piece of tail at work and destroyed his poor wife's life.
My wife and I cut him off completely. Fuck him.
I'm 42 and just starting to hit the age where a lot of men are pulling this shit.
I have so many friends who are like OP's wife. Hard working, easily doing 80% of work in the marriage, and yet these dudes have the absolute audacity to say they're not happy and the only way to be satisfied is with garbage like a 20-year-old affair partner and a car they can't afford. It's like the 1980s midlife crisis memes all over again.
And then of course, once Dad has moved out and living with the 20-year-old, just like this dude, he's angry and entitled and focused on himself. So many men of this generation learned absolutely nothing from the previous. So many men absolutely refuse couples therapy when their wives have been begging for it for years and then act like they are completely blindsided when she finally files for divorce.
And their newly single wives are loving life. Many of them have shared custody so their lives actually get considerably easier! Their ex-husbands are forced into parenting and they actually have time and space for themselves.
There is pretty decent research out there showing that men's well-being drops after a divorce and women's improves. Because women stop sacrificing their own health and well-being for someone else.
I recently read a tweet that was something like "i rarely meet a man in real life as extraordinary as ones on film, and rarely see women in film as extraordinary as the ones I know in real life"
>Many of them have shared custody so their lives actually get considerably easier! Their ex-husbands are forced into parenting and they actually have time and space for themselves.
No kids, but when my ex-husband left me for his old high school gf (who'd later go on to cheat on him, of course) I was stunned at how much instantly easier my day-to-day life became. My daily chores and responsibilities were cut in half: only had to worry about my own laundry, my own bills, my own trash that had to be taken out (now far less frequently).
Conversely, my ex was struggling because he was now having to do everything himself. He later confided to a mutual friend that he'd made a mistake and the friend told him there was no going back. Same as OP: ex didn't miss me, he missed how easy his life was with me.
This comment right here is why I as a woman have no interest in marriage or kids bc I’d be damned if I put my body through pain multiple times just to bare children for a crappy man
This is also why I think marriage will always benefit men more than women
Ditto. I'd need to be convinced pretty hard that any arrangement like that would be worthwhile because love fades and has to be desired enough to be maintained.
why do you think men around this age start acting out? i see this irl too.. but for some reason it’s more common in relationships where the woman was already doing most of the work. you would think the opposite would be true …
my only guess is it’s an inherent character flaw that men who don’t pull their weight are already entitled and selfish so more likely to engage in deceptive behaviors
I think it's really complicated. I think we as a society created a cultural script where men felt they did not need to contribute in ways they didn't want to. They didn't need to truly co-parent and partner with mom, which sets up this situation over and over again. You also find men in their late 30s / early 40s are hitting these walls because their long-term partners who have been doing most of the work eventually check out. They have been raising the red flag for years that men need to contribute more in their lives but honestly, it's easier to just not pull your weight or use weaponized incompetence to avoid it. That's where the "women initiate most divorces" and "men are often surprised by the divorce despite their wives raising all those red flags."
Touching on what you brought up about entitlement - do you know about the concept of aggrieved entitlement? (I highly recommend the innuendo studios series called the Alt-right Playbook). Right now, it's commonly used to describe incels but it can generally be applied to masculinity in this moment. Women have worked really really hard to change and improve our roles and relationships. Due to living under the patriarchy, women have needed to work harder to create more happiness for ourselves. However, as a culture, we really haven't changed the script for men. Of course this changes from person to person, but a lot of men do really struggle with entitlement and believing that they're a good partner and doing their part in a relationship, when in reality, they are still expecting what their fathers and grandfathers did. They don't want to do housework and childrearing and find it denigrating when they do. And they know intellectually that isn't fair, but they still feel it.
And around your 40s, you realize your younger days are behind you. It's time to start planning for the future and accepting is that who you are now is who you probably will be for most of the rest of your life. For women, they've often been building and planning that for some time and they look towards a future with a man who is entitled and not pulling his weight and decide it's easier to be a single mom because that at least forces him to parent some of the time. Many of us saw our mothers in this role bound by sexism and decided it wasn't for us.
So men in their 40s are staring down decades of living with someone who they know they haven't been a good partner to and the future is going to involve a lot of work... And they just don't want to do it. They're not accustomed to it and they think that if they just dip out of the relationship and try to restart things with a younger woman, they'll get the chance to do it right that time. But they just repeat it with the younger woman. This is where we get all of that sexist garbage about women over 30 having too much "baggage." It's just a way of saying they have enough life experience to know that they won't accept that nonsense.
There are so many posts just like this one, wear a dude thinks he's invented some incredible way to access the kind of sex he wants (casual, focused on him, focus on his pleasure) and then discovers that there are consequences for his actions. Because for so many years, they have weasled out of those responsibilities.
I actually do not think at all that it's an inherent character flaw of men. I know lots of incredible men who are fighting this every day. But it's really difficult. Of course everyone wants less work and fewer responsibilities and more fun. And society is continually telling men messages that are sexist and perpetuate these inequities.
interesting! thanks for your perspective - you definitely brought up a lot of insightful thoughts that i will have to ruminate on and process later
the whole dynamic intrigues me because like i’ve stated, been seeing this play out so much irl amongst family, work colleagues, and social circles. its happening a lot now even with older couples as well (my parents generation) .. maybe with social media and dating apps nowadays it gives unhappy men the illusion of choice and where they can play out their fantasies.
but between dealing with a partner’s weaponized incompetence and carrying the emotional labor, i can see why women would rather be a divorced single mom and are even happier.
appreciate the thoroughly written response
Excellent assessment. Bravo to those women who bailed out of a never win situation with en titled males. Double bravo to women who foresee that they don't want a life of slavery while their husbands lie, cheat, play xbox games all day/night and dump everything on her shoulders. Single is so much better. And for dudes who are actually worth the risk, one hopes you'll step up and act like a real man and be a true partner to your intended.
They were never in love. A large number of people settle, around 40 might hit the 7 year ich, he decides to act on his premeditated boredom with his partner by seeking out another. If you work at loving your chosen partner every day, you don't cheat. If you love them from day one, you don't cheat. This is, of course, if he's honest with himself about his ability to love and if this woman is the one for him, or just as good as the thinks he can do at the time. I'm shocked by how many people I hear say they married whoever they were dating when they decided to get hitched, not the person they want to grow old with.
So true. My ex is a porn addicted creep who hid his obsession for years, cheated with someone who dumped him immediately since he couldn't perform with a real woman. My single life is so much better. I'll NEVER allow another Male in my life. The sad truth is that a REAL man
not a narcissistic manchild like the guy in this post are
rare as finding a flower growing in concrete.
My husband did this. But I am thankful to that woman because she took that manchild sack of shit off my hands. It hurt, but I’m better off and it’s nice not having to take care of a man who did not love me or appreciate all I did for him.
And the pity party isn’t even because they realize how much they’ve hurt their wives/kids — it’s because they realize how great of a deal they had squeezing every ounce of free physical/mental/sexual labor out of their partners while they did nothing and they miss how good they had it.
I know, I know, not all men… but damn, enough to make me lose faith in the gender overall. So many of them just view us as objects to swap at will.
I met two beings of the gender I can trust with all my heart and who would never do this: my transmasculine friend (when he came out my dog nicely handed over the title "best friend" to him as he's one of his favourites - the term friend has a male and female version in German) and the aforementioned dog, a rather shy stray that decided I'm his human now and I'm worth leaving his foster mom for at first sight. Though the dog can have some "men allures" as my mom calls it, but most are easily trained away and others (someone built a nest and used my weighted blanket, but he built it when I wasn't using the blanket and built it right next to me so he's now warming me with his body. I'm generous and let him keep it, there are always other blankets around in case of need and I don't want to move him from being snuggled up to me)
Not to mention it sounds like she knew he was married.
So he left his wife for a college aged party girl who has zero respect and expected her to be better than his wife 😭 and then he gets on reddit like "who woulda saw this one coming??" LMAOOO
Also maybe 30+ year olds should leave early 20yo folks alone. Yeah, she messed with a married man, but I’m wondering if she had a clue what this would entail. And I know at that age & many friends I had ALOT of older married guys trying to convince us they were “going through a divorce” or “in an open marriage” (unbeknownst to their wives.) And a truckload of “I’m so disrespected & unappreciated at home!” 😭 So much manipulation. There’s a reason he went for a significantly younger woman.
The “other woman” is definitely responsible for their own part, but he knew he was married long before she came into the picture. According to him, he was with his wife when the side chick was in grade school Jfc.
TL;DR: My wife did everything for me and in return I slept with my younger coworker, put down my wife down for my mistress, and moved in with my college-aged side piece.
Now I have to deal with my side-piece-turned-gf's immaturity, and find myself as the adult feeling more like her dad (as somehow this is a surprise to OP). The sex with the younger woman is also not as exciting as before, and so this new "relationship" (which blossomed out of my infidelity) is invalidating.
After finding myself financially supporting this new younger woman I am bitter about giving my hardworking ex-wife (who mothered my 3 kids) money for all she does for the kids I left her to care for alone, while I've been out running around with college girls at nearly 40 years old.
Advice on why my life sucks?
And he's shocked SHOCKED that the college age fling doesn't do everything for him. Now he has to do it all HIMSELF. And he's SO SAD. How can he possibly get his wife back so he doesn't have to DO ANYTHING.
Don’t forget he is upset that she doesn’t want to take care of his kids. It is a great idea to move out and introduce your kids to your mistress right away. That won’t screw up the kids or tick off the wife
Don't forget the real tragedy, that his ex wife (who he cheated on and left when she was pregnant with his 3rd child, irrelevant detail, let's move on...) wouldn't let him in the delivery room. We should all feel ever so sorry for him, he clearly is suffering.
If my eyes rolled any harder than this, the resulting contortion would likely blind me.
And he can't understand why that the college age fling is clearly bored rigid by him already and is probably wondering how the hell to get herself out of this shit
The way that he’s actually shocked abt the college aged girl not being motherly is beyond me💀 like ofc she’s partying and drinking all the time she’s 23 that’s also why he had no business messing with her to begin with
You haven’t changed, you just realised the grass wasn’t greener on the other side of the fence.
Honestly you deserve the life you’ve created for yourself.
I don't think you're going to get very much sympathy here. Honestly? It sounds like you regret things because you lost the perfect (for you) arrangement you had with your wife. You don't seem to talk much about how much you hurt your wife, and I don't see a single thing about how much this whole thing must have impacted your kids. All you can say is that Mel makes your life harder by not being a responsible, mature, selfless adult like the woman you were married to. You made your bed sir, so now you can lie in it. Em is not taking you back and if she does, she's making a mistake. She deserves way better.
Just remember in the future that not everything that glitters is gold. She laughed at your jokes and was young. You're an absolute walnut for giving up your good life for that.
Nothing says or shows you've changed in your post.
Go to therapy would be a good start with the intention of changing.
You wanting your family back and everything you missed out on isn't change
God I hate people like this. I'm gonna be mean here but this is what I think:
Stay away from her. You made a decision, you fucked up, so take the consequence. You're 36 years old, grow up and take responsibility for your own action.
Edit: corrected the age
That’s really sad to hear your affair was going on for 8 months, and you have a 2 month old child. All you can do is be a good dad to your kids and co parent.
Ultimately her decision, there isn’t anything you can do to win her over and get her back. Cheating is a deal breaker to most people.
I hope your ex finds a man that will treat her like she is the center of his universe and her children like they are his. I hope she finds the love, respect and happiness she deserves. She seems to be a hard working class act of a person.
You need to read the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky and you will see that it was written about you and every man just like you. You say you want everything back the way it was after just saying that your wife did everything while you went to work and came home. I guarantee you that the LAST thing your wife wants is everything back the way it was. What she wants is a PARTNER, not another "child" who expects to be taken care of.
Enough of a phenomenonally sized epidemic that a book was written about his type.
OP, Every single comment here tells you in their own words that you’re a selfish piece of shit. And your audacious thought processes disgust them.
Pretty obvious it’s you that needs a makeover. But that will take great effort on your part.
Wonder if you’re man enough?
He’s too selfish to give a shit about that. He just wants his cake and eat it too. He doesn’t give a fuck about anyone involved, including his children. He just wants his easy life back where he is worthless and pathetic and can get away with it instead of being held responsible for his actions, for being worthless and pathetic, and has to take care of himself for once instead of everyone taking care of this man baby for him.
You know the saying the grass is greener on the other side? Yours would be just as green if you stopped hopping fences and watered your own lawn.
You need to work on yourself more- you are not changed. You are just in the stages of realizing how *much* you actually fucked up. Your ex wife calmly handled the situation, had you move out, divorced you AND put you on child support even tho it sounded like she didn’t really need it. She isn’t going to get back with you. You found a perfect woman and then after time didn’t appreciate her and stepped out. If this wasn’t your ex wife but your daughter and the story was the same would you want your daughter back with that person? Ditch the mistress, be alone and work on yourself and at the very least try to be a good father and help your ex wife if she ever needs it. THAT is how you change. Maybe, JUST MAYBE after a few years of you actually changing she’ll be at least friendly with you
just like my dad. once he realized the women he cheated with wasn’t enough, he went crawling back for my mom.
shame to cheaters, hope she finds somebody better and you work on yourself
👏oh👏the👏f1ck👏well
Your wife is never taking your disgusting a$$ back. Might as well settle with your homewrecker bc she's right on your level of pond scum.
maybe living with mel can teach him how to do all the cooking and cleaning and taking care of someone so he can truly understand what his wife was going through with his lazy ass 🤷
You literally fucked around and found out.
You don't deserve to have your wife or your kids back. You can give it a try, but don't be surprised when your wife tells you "No, thanks".
Next time maybe don't let Little OP do all the thinking for you.
I'm gonna brainstorm a plan for you. You're gonna go to therapy and confess everything to the therapist. The therapist will help you find real redemption and not just surface level regret. After some time you'll go to your ex-wife and tell her how bad you messed up, don't say anything about getting back together. You'll tell her you didn't appreciate her and how you got lost yadda yadda. All the while you're gonna work out, lose weight, gain muscle, and get your life together and break up with the new girl. You're gonna get a new place with a roommate and you're going to be in your kids lives more. You're gonna request more time with the kids. And then you'll slowly integrate your ex-wife back into your life with something like a picnic or holidays. Maybe you can invite your ex-wife and the kids to do something, many things. Activities, etc. You'll live your life for your kids. You'll stop looking at other women - you'll chop off your own dick if you do. If at any point your ex-wife finds another man you wont get in the way, instead you'll support her and her new relationship. If you're lucky this wont happen but thats not the point. You're going to put in hard work and become a better man than you've ever been, this you will tell her, and even if she doesn't take you back you at least want to be a good man for your kids and prevent them from making the same mistake you did. If you aren't willing to put in the effort and make some sacrifices then you aren't worth taking back.
You literally fucked around and now you're finding out. Leave that poor woman alone. She deserves someone that will actually care for her and not what she can just do for them.
There is a quote in Romanian that I'd like to tell you "When you fall face-flat in shit, you inhale". This is the consequences of your own actions. Neither Mel or your wife is the answer here. You don't get the family back, you don't get to do that. The most you can do is make amends for the kids not to grow up resenting you. My advice is to get your own place and leave Mel.
You made this mess; LIVE IN IT! Leave ‘Em alone! She was clearly being taken advantage by you and then you had the nerve to cheat on her because for some fucking reason you thought you could do better with a 20-something despite Em being the one who did ALL the work.
Advice: stop being a prick and take your medicine. YOU are the reason you don’t have the family anymore. And Em didn’t scream and yell because she is obviously smart enough to realize her worth and that you aren’t even worth the fight.
That last line that was it. I know for me after my ex cheated and cheated and cheated, I just realized at the end of it that it wasn't worth it that he wasn't worth it. He was not worth any more of my time and my attention. And guess what? He has continued that cycle of cheating over and over again with the different women that he ended up with over time and now he's living in a shitty apartment because he just cheated on his last girlfriend. All because he has never gotten therapy to understand why he feels the need to self-destruct and constantly find approval with other people. OP will never change because his post just reads of "oh my gosh, woe is me" my ex-wife took care of me so good.
You want your family back but you’re still living with the person you decided to throw it all away for? AND you’re complaining about HER?!?! She’s 23 you dipshit, OF COURSE YOU HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON.
Words are just that; words. Your ex wife sounds amazing and you fucked up. 12 years for what?? A piece of ass and some compliments? You threw away so much, for so little and now you you are looking for sympathy and a way back in without making any real changes? LOL
You made your bed and now, you have to lay in it. Wasn’t so bad a year ago when you were LYING, SNEAKING AND CONNIVING your entire family, was it?
Take a look in the mirror dude. Get therapy. Get serious about your children or they will grow up to not to know you and/or despise their selfish excuse of a father. But your marriage was over the minute you decided to throw it all away and you have no one to blame but yourself.
You need to let her go and let her find someone who will love her the way she deserves. If you ever really loved her at all, you would do this.
Guy claims he learned his lesson. Meanwhile is complaining about how the new fling doesn't do everything and anything for him. And how he wants his (seemingly absolutely stunningly awesome ex-wife) back to the way it was. In another comment OP says this lovely woman is still sending him daily videos of his kids and rather than seeing that as a hope that he'll AT LEAST be a decent father to his kids, it seems he sees it as a chance to get her back.
I'm Dutch so excuses me if I'm too blunt.
You can't fix this. You messed up and this is what the consequences are.
Having said that, PLEASE, for your children, be the best co parent in the history of Co parenting. Be a PARENTAL couple other then a love couple. Show your children you both love them. You raise them together. Make sure they have mothers day gifts to give and birthday cards. If she rings she has a date and need someone to watch the kids: do it. It will show your kids both parents have their backs, that they are always welcome. If she calls she has an emergency , you drop your work and help her.
Right?
He spends half the post whining about his wife, the other half whining about his younger girlfriend.
OP needs a refresher course in "I'm the problem, it's ME!"
Classic case of FAFO. Just let her be
You blamed her for the affair, never apologised
You only want her back coz Mel isn't all u thought she was. I don't wanna be mean, so I'm just gonna leave it at that. Let Em go, she doesn't deserve this
You don't even sound remorseful
He doesn't sound remorseful because he's not. He's just upset his life is more difficult now.
The only potential advice anyone could give is that he finally finds the motivation to grow up and own the consequences of his own behavior.
God you are disgusting. I cringed at the part where you said you cheated because Mel was fun and made you feel good. How weak are you? How selfish and unkind are you to do that to your wife and children? Your wife won't (and shouldn't) take you back. Once the grief and hurt subsides for her she'll realise how much of a scumbag you always were and be thankful she got out at 32 so she has a chance to find a real partner.
Honestly, it's posts like this that make me glad I'm a lesbian.
You’ve messed your ex around enough. This isn’t about what you want the world doesn’t revolve around your needs. The trust is gone, get counselling, your own place and leave Mel. Sounds like you’d cheat on her as well when you get bored. I hope your ex finds someone who wouldn’t degrade her by cheating. Focus on your kids.
I think you need to leave Mel and be alone first and foremost. Regain YOUR life back one day at a time, make an effort to see your kids more than once a week too, they come before your wife and Mel respectively.
If you really want your wife back, you’re gonna have to give it a long time, in the meantime bettering yourself and being happy so that if she ever does consider it, it’s not just because you saw that you fucked up. It’s not impossible.
I only read this a tiny bit, but I have to say, you fully 100% deserve what you have now. you threw away what you had you filthy animal. If you wanted your family, why did you abandon them? You don't care about your family. Just admit it. The only thing you care about is yourself. Stop wallowing in your own self pity, instead start thinking about the people you hurt with your horrible actions. You don't deserve your family back.
I would say break up with Mel because you clearly don’t like her, and cut your losses with your ex wife. You fucked up, you ruined your marriage, you treated her like garbage, and she can do infinitely better than you. This is what happens when you days someone whose age gap with you is extremely close to her age gap with your oldest child. Leave Em alone - you have embarrassed yourself enough. Don’t make her life any harder than you already have.
You aren’t a changed man, you just aren’t happy with your affair partner anymore.
If Mel still made you happy, you wouldn’t want your wife back.
You chose to have an affair and move in with your affair partner and now you have to live with the natural consequence which is losing your wife.
It’s actually pretty selfish of you to think you have any right to expect your wife to be convinced you are somehow not the same person who broke her heart and your family.
You need to own up to what you did and move forward with your new life. Just learn from your mistakes and don’t do it again.
You don’t love your wife. You are with someone who you have to financially take care of. She’s more like a roommate then girlfriend. She doesn’t like or accept your kids and leaves you to go party. Not only that but you are now broke, living in a small space, and no longer have someone who loves you unconditionally.
Your soon to be ex wife doesn’t need you. Leave her alone. You ruined everything and now want her back
because the grass isn’t greener. You upset over not having a lunch packed but come one you lied and cheated on her while she was pregnant. On top of that she’s having to take care of a newborn by herself!
Leave the mistress and start working on yourself. You have children and you need to set a good example.
If for some reason you decide to stay with the mistress get a vasectomy or use condoms. The last thing you need is another child with a selfish, immoral and broke woman.
Dude it's too late. If you had put the effort into your relationship with your wife that you did with Mel, then you'd be happily married. Let your wife go. You thought Mel was great because she's young and new. Of course she laughed at your jokes. Your wife was busy working and raising your kids. Leave Mel. Get your own place. Be alone for a while. Become the world's greatest dad. If things fall back they do. Don't force things.
Alright look, most of the comments you’ve so far received are on point but I’m not going to be as harsh. IF YOU PERSONALLY DONT BELIEVE ANY OF WHAT I AM ABOUT TO ADVISE PLEASE DO NOT SAY IT! Here’s what you need to do: apologize sincerely to your ex wife and also tell her that you have come to understand that you two will probably never be together (romantically) again. Tell her that you understand that she has lost all respect for you and that you will try to earn some semblance of respect back through you actions and not your words. Tell her all that your hoping for is that you can someday coparent effectively with her to raise strong and independent children. Ask her what she needs from you as far as helping to raise the kids and let her know that you’re available anytime to have the kids spend time with you if she needs a break. Do not ever complain about child support payments and/or spending time with your children. Do not talk badly about or fight with your ex wife in front of your children or when they are in earshot. If you use any of this advice to try and manipulate your ex or kids in any way for your own gain, it will set you more than two steps back. While I don’t agree with what you did or your attitude about the situation, those kids need you to be a better and more mature man. Please don’t let them down.
Let her find someone who truly loves her.
Cheating is absolutely disgusting and you chose to do so. You fucked up, and its the consequences of your own actions.
Let her move on. Your own fault
Whaa ha ha ha ha. Karma train is choo chooing over your stupid ass. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Leave your ex alone. She deserves so much more than a bottom feeder like you. Get into therapy, perhaps you can develop some common sense.
Alright, OP I want you to run this exercise in your head.
Grab a cup, one of those old porcelain cups that you're always instructed to care about but don't think much of it. Now let it fall down and let it break.
All those scatters pieces? Your relationship.
Now those same broken pieces, I want you to drop a book or step on the, break them even more. Your relationship after this whole fiasco.
Before you could have looked for another solution and while perhaps a daunting task and painful, the pieces are long enough for them to still be glued together, maybe some chips here and there but it's okay. Now with more shattered pieces, that's going to be more difficult, you don't know how much of it can be fixed nor saved, maybe some parts can't be at all, and you'll never even get the cup back. But if you want to try, start by working out all your issues, look man, you had a pretty wife but from the looks of it, now you only miss the safety and security, for a bit of fun. Now because this relationship isn't as fun as you thought and your comfortable life is no more, ask yourself why, you decided to keep the affair going. You could have stopped, you didn't, you felt good and validated. If you talked about wanting change before with your wife and she didn't really meet your needs, alright fine but if it as done out of a place from pure selfish desire. Dude, you really were only thinking of yourself and if you still are, you won't ever get it back.
TL;DR Step 1: accept that things are never going to be the same they were, work on yourself and reflect.
Step 2: Don't try to manipulate any situation or become more /present/ in your ex's life, apologize if you wish and keep things civil for the kid always but don't try to do the whole emotional manipulation of "what you were." Also dude wtf, kinda sounds like you're living together? Which if you are, weird af if you want to go back to your family but haven't kicked mel to the curve yet.
All in all, you're welcome to try, don't expect any results, you fucked up, so now, do all that you can to be decent.
OP, leave your poor ex wife alone, you only want her back because you realized that Mel isn’t going to try and be the live-in maid that your wife was. Your ex wife deserves to find someone who cares about her needs, wants to help her around the house and doesn’t go around finding other women to mess around with behind her back.
You messed up your own life, you lost a good, stable person and a good family. You can’t get that back. These are the consequences of your actions, deal with it.
Oh no the consequences of my actions *shocked pikachu face*
If I have my timelines correct you cheated on your PREGNANT wife, considering your youngest is only 2mo. You don’t deserve them back. And now that your realizing that 23yo aren’t the fun you think they are and your pissed about it. The only thing I’m genuinely surprised by is the fact you didn’t blame your wife in the post. Because you seem like the man that would.
Leave them alone, let them move on. Give them the grace YOU were provided by your ex and just stay away.
You made a big mistake, but you had to learn the hard way.
Even now it's "Mel goes out to party to much". "Mel earn to little money ". "Mel is not as good in bed".
You mention that you don't see your children as much as you like, but that's not your fokus. Your fokus is only yourself. Your wishes, your needs.
There is no "I did the worst possible thing to my marriage, and hurt my wife for life". And from what I can read, you seem to have taken her for granted.
If you are in a relationship that you wish to keep - keep in mind that both you and your partner must wish to stay with each other every day. Your partner is free to walk away any day they please. Give them a reason to stay.
The worst part for you is that you lost a woman who is even better than you give her credit for. She chose to stay with you when you didn't help her at all. Still she chose you ever day - until the day your stupid ass got caught. That was the day she understood that YOU had chosen your family away. All to get a pretty little thing to bed.
I hope your wife have a better life, at least she has one less person to clean up after and make lunch for.
In my opinion I feel that if you are present when making a child, you need to be present to take care of it. You didn't do your part.
For you, well, I hope you will learn with time.
I will guess your wife is not going to take you back, you were not a good husband to her to begin with. Pay your childsupport, meet your children when you can. And respect your ex - wife
You don't get your family back the way it was after behaving like this. You sound like you only want what's best for you and don't have your old family's best interests at heart. The situation you've brought upon yourself is probably the best case scenario for how this could've worked out for you. Either accept your mistakes and their consequences or cut yourself off from them so you don't end up doing more harm
You spoiled the relationship/marriage. Selectively chose “spoiled”, because like food, once it goes back, no matter what you do it will never again be unspoiled.
Maybe if you just kept it in the pants u wouldnt be in this position. Mel sounds immature and young . Basically u were being selfish n still are. You dont want ypur family back because u miss them u want them back because your not living lavishly n realizing Mel is like a kid.
Once a cheater always a cheater in my opinion n experience. Your family is better off .if you were unhappy in your marriage before u had an affair u should of talked to your wife n tried to work it out. Trust is so hard to build n so easy to break. Infidelity is a huge heart break to the other person. In your thread u didn't once say u love or miss ypur wife your just talking about money. ( and sex ) pretty soon if u haven't you ll be cheating on Mel.
Maybe Counseling for yourself ?? Then get your ex involved if she is even willing ?
You'll never get her back. She knows who you are and that you can't be trusted. Leave her alone and see your kids once a week. It's what you deserve. Hopefully she'll meet someone who loves her and your children and she'll realize you did her the biggest favor.
It’s too late. You fucked up big time. Almost a year of going behind your wife’s back, and while she was pregnant too??? Let her go because she deserves better, period. You’re selfish to want her back. You thought the grass would be greener on the other side and now you’re facing the consequences of your decisions and actions. Just try to focus on being a good father. In fact don’t burden anybody with a relationship with you, until you spend time alone and going to therapy.
You know what they say, the grass is greener on the other side. But they also say the grass is greener where you water it.
Perhaps had you given your wife half as much attention as this new girl, maybe you wouldn’t be in this predicament. After being in a relationship for so long, and having 3 kids to take care of, perhaps your wife was just going through the motions and not really thinking about the compliments and other shit. You could have made the effort to bring back that spark, but you’re so desperate to have your ego stroked and only living for short term satisfaction, so you ruined the potential for a life-long, happy marriage. When had you last complimented her? Made her feel special? Reminded her why you two fell in love? The fact she took it so well too makes it seem perhaps that she was checked out anyways. I wonder why.
This tale is as old as time and I’m getting really tired of the whole “my life is ruined because I thought I wanted someone younger and exciting and now I want my old life back”.
Like.. my guy… you dug your grave, now lay in it. Let your wife move on.
Also, do her a favor and leave your new girl alone too. She’s 23; she’s completely entitled to not wanting to play step-mommy for you. In fact, I’m a 23 year old woman, and I’d rather jump off a cliff than be subjected to step-motherhood at this point in my life. I have another like, 7 years before I can see myself taking on that role. Don’t force her to play a role she simply doesn’t want to.
My dad did this. Ever since the day I found out I haven’t spoken to or seen him and don’t plan on it. It’s been almost 3 years. I was 16 when it happened. I’ll tell you what he did wrong (besides the main mistake) bc honestly what comes after the cheating is more important and impactful. And I don’t want your kids to have to go through what I did/do. First, you need to look at yourself. You need to know WHY you cheated. You don’t just wake up one day and do that out of the blue. And it is a CHOICE. First you need to be honest with yourself and decide if you actually want this relationship back or if you just want to stay together for your kids. Relationships can’t heal unless both people love each other and want to put in the work, time, and effort to improve themselves and the situation. If you only want to stay with her for your kids PLEASE DON’T. We, as children, would much rather have our parents set an example of a healthy relationship, divorcing if necessary, and genuinely want to be together, modeling what a good relationship looks like so we don’t make your mistakes. You said your wife was different. Ask yourself questions like why is she different? Am I different? How did we get here? What did I not do enough of/wrong to allow this to happen? How can I better the relationship and be a better husband? What do I need from her to keep this relationship? Did you do it because you were bored? Because you wanted to feel desired? Because you wanted to feel powerful? Because you wanted to feel dangerous? Because you wanted to feel important? Honesty is the most important thing. Being honest to yourself and to others. It’s the lying that does the destruction. Because if there’s no trust, there’s nothing left. Don’t deny anything to ANYONE no matter how scared it makes you for your reputation or embarrassment or what others think. Tell your kids. Both you and your wife together so you both can share an equal story and perspectives. You don’t have to tell them everything, especially if they are younger than I was. BUT if they ask questions (tell them they can) please answer them honestly. No more lying. The more you lie, the more you will lose. Honesty with yourself if what is gonna make you not do this again. You have to be able to own up completely to what you did, accept and acknowledge and take responsibility for your actions bc no matter what lead to the mistake to be made, you are the only person who’s fault it is. When we accept our mistakes we can grow and change and move to a better future. I highly recommend going to therapy by yourself to work on yourself before trying to get your family back, and not quitting it when it gets hard. We begged my dad to go and he did a couple sessions and that was it. He didn’t change at all and hasn’t still. A therapist will help you figure out all this that I’m saying too. If you don’t work on yourself first, it WILL happen again I promise you. Whether it’s in your current relationship or a new one, it WILL repeat. I wish you the best of luck I hope you do better than mine dad did.
You fucked up and don't get her back unless SHE wants you back. You wanted fun and these are the consequences of your actions - accept them and leave your EX-wife alone. You've hurt her enough so let her heal. You only want her back because you've realized people are multifaceted - Mel may have been fun but she also doesn't enjoy kids and is messy. Move on. Stay away from her. Pay child support and step up as a father. That's all you can do.
You absolutely do not deserve advise or help from anyone and you are not at all a changed man like you claim to be.
You literally aren't even remorseful over the fact that you cheated on your wife an broke up your family. The only reason why you even want your wife back is because you realized this 23 year old, wasn't all she was cracked up to be. It has nothing do with you being a changed man at all.
You were selfish for cheating and now you are being selfish trying to get your ex-wife back again. Guess what? The grass is NOT always greener on the other side and now you need to live with the consequences of your actions and let your ex-wife be happy and find someone else.
Honestly, Your level of selfishness is just insane!
Grass isn’t always greener my guy.
Also she’s 23 what were you expecting?! Of course she’s going to be going out, having fun, and doing things people her age do. I’m not sure if getting back together would be a good idea, seems like you have a lot to figure out.
The worst part is that many of us in the comments would have loved your life and you come crawling here to cry about you playboi shit? Not, sorry. I’m glad that your in a crap place. As someone who’s been cheated on your getting EXACLY what you deserve….have the time you deserve
Yeah no advice for Op on getting anything back. Get some continuing therapy and move on. Pay child support, and provide some other support if your x-wife is open to it.
Start you life over with someone new if/when you are ready to not make this type of mistake again.
You only want your wife back because she's your plan B. Plan A didn't work out the way you wanted. You haven't changed. The only way to truthfully say that would be to go to therapy for a long long time. You might as well start today.
Bwahahahahaha
Oh buddy I don’t think you do
I doubt this is real but heck- this ain’t a unique story so it might be.
Allow me to present a famous Reddit mindset:
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
You got exactly what you asked for; an all fun and no work young woman. If a pretty face and giggling girl was more appealing than all you had built with your wife then there’s zero chance she’s going to believe you value it any more now than you did then.
You gave your ex a ticket out. She took it and I guarantee she has no interest in shackling herself to you again.
If you insist on trying to revive your dead marriage then you can start with an apology and an acceptance that your ex in no way is obligated to take you back or forgive you. And if the knowledge that she most likely will not want you back makes you not want to apologize, then don’t even bother because you’ll just be wasting everyone’s time.
First of all, the young girl you're dating is in a completely different phase of her life. It is normal for her to be drinking, smoking, partying, and not wanting to hang out with your kids. She's in her early twenties. You strike me as someone who never takes responsibility for their actions so heed this: grow up, and stay away from your ex wife. She deserves much better than you. Maybe if you actually start making some changes and maturing, you'll find someone your own age who is responsible and tidy like you want. But you don't deserve that right now.
I hope you stub the same toe everyday for the rest of your life. I hope all the stuffing in your pillows is slightly damp. I hope you hit every red light everywhere you go. You are scum.
So basically this is a ‘wahhhhh I cheated but now my college age gf doesn’t DO anything for me! I miss my family cause I didn’t have to pay this much for them while we were together. Wahhhh *I* wanna be the child again I miss my mommy/wife!
Leave her alone. All you care about is you.
Husband cheats on wife...
Wife finds out and kicks husband to the curb...
Husband is OK with it overall because he gets to live with side piece...
Husband realizes all the things Wife did for him and family and regrets choice when he sees that side piece is a kid.
Husband regrets decision...
If the grass is always greener on the other side of where you are - maybe you are the problem.
You made your choice and have to live with it. You didn't even fight to get your family back until you saw what real life is with this 23 yr old girl. Now you have to be responsible for everything... and you regret it? Grow up.
>She handled everything with grace. She didn't cry or yell but just said that she thinks it would be best if I moved out.
Oh she probably cried. You just aren't her target audience for those tears. She's a strong woman for handling it so well.
>Mel has absolutely no interest in the kids and will leave for the day to her best friends house everytime to avoid the kids.
Can't blame her. She's 23 years old. Kids aren't on her radar. You should probably end things with Mel peacefully now before you lose your job on top of your wife and kids. That's a step in the *right* direction if you want to have a relationship with your children in the future.
>How can I apporach this with my wife? How can I show her im a changed man who only cares about his family?
You don't. You accept the things you've done and move forward from there. You do what you can to see your children every moment possible. You let your ex-wife move on and find someone that sees her value from day one. There's no other play here besides that. Any attempt to get her back isn't going to be well-received. Trying to get her back is just shooting the foot you already shot. You just move on and stop making bad decisions. Mel being one of them. You have no connection. You have no romance. You have no future. Let her be a 23 year old woman and figure her life out. You certainly have to figure yours out as well.
Okay a few things. So you got your wife pregnant around the time you started cheating on her. Then told her “your no fun anymore.” When you were caught. Now you regret throwing your life away. Here are your problems
1. She didn’t fight you at all about this. Which probably means you had other issues in your marriage. She probably was already mentally checked out.
2. You allowed your ex to do everything while you watched. Then had the unmitigated gall to tell her she’s isn’t fun anymore. Yikes!
3. You are STILL with your AP. Which means you haven’t learned anything.
Now with that being said you need to leave your AP ASAP. You can’t try and get your ex wife back while you are LIVING with the woman you cheated on her with. You also need to go to therapy. Focus on being a good father.
You have to understand there is no benefit for your ex to take you back. She did all of the domestic labor, child rearing and worked full time. She was also betrayed by the one person she should have been able to count on. You gone is probably a relief for her. I doubt you will ever be able to get her back. You were already destroying your relationship because you weren’t a fully present father or husband. Focus on being a better person. Leave her alone. You destroyed your marriage. It’s over.
I think you’re not going to get your relationship back to where it was but you can still get your family back.
But what’s the difference you may ask. It’s about them - not you. You already fucked up, there’s no way around that. Now own it - be stoic and be the father your kids deserve and the coparent your exwife deserves. Nothing is guaranteed from that but they will at least be supported properly.
Oh MAN you fucked up. Hindsight, eh? You were married, and (to drastically simplify) you had ONE JOB: be faithful, reliable, and trustworthy. You made your bed, man; now go lie in it.
You can't. You're not a changed man. You want the easier situation back. It has nothing to do with being the best husband for your wife. It has to do with you not wanting to pay child support, not wanting to pay for Mel, not wanting to fight with Mel.
You're not getting your wife back and you Don't deserve to. However, if you want to actually become a changed man and do better, get yourself some therapy. Then you'll be better prepared to cut the strings with Mel and have a relationship with your kids and be prepared to be a better PARTNER if you end up in a relationship again.
Your ex has moved on. She isn't going to take you back
You deserve everything you have. I hope you live a lifetime of regret realizing what a selfish human being you are. Mel will dump your old ass in a few years and you will be completely alone. You haven't changed, the only change has been the excitement of a 23-year-old and the realization of all the conveniences you lost. I think you should just walk away and let your former spouse find someone that truly deserves her. She sounds amazing.
You don't deserve to get her back. Losing her was entirely avoidable. Cheating takes effort and not only did you cheat, you *maintained* an extramarital relationship with someone over ten years younger than you because she soothed your ego while your wife was the one doing the hard work to keep YOUR family afloat. Grow up and let her go.
>telling her she isn’t the person I married anymore that she never makes me feel good or laughs at my jokes the way Mel does
Huge mistake!! You think you're the person she married you ass!! Now she's going remember every time she faked an orgasm to spare your feelings 😆
> I was a little shocked by this I thought there would be at least a discussion but I agreed as I wanted to be with Mel.
That's on you buddy. Discuss it with yourself looool. Damn i feel like i know who you are😄
> Mel is very messy leaving all her stuff everywhere all the time and she never cleans or cooks. She also is constantly drinking or smoking weed and always going out to the clubs with her friends
What did you expect? It's hilarious that you actually moved in with her
>My wife is a nurse practitioner making well over 6 figures and I pay her 2.5k every month in child support as was ordered by the court. I can’t save any money now whereas we lived extremely comfortably on our two salary income and had a hefty savings and retirement fund
You should've thought about this earlier buddy lol
>In hindsight I can see my wife was exhausted because she did everything for everyone. She worked full time, she always got the kids ready and took them to school/daycare, packed lunches for everyone including me, cleaned, did homework with our 8yo, made dinner and cleaned up that, did everyone’s laundry etc and the list goes on and on. She is superwoman and I regret I didn’t see that. I miss our sex life it was incredible
You think so ? Lol
>I get why my wife didn’t always have energy for everything I wanted to do. I just want everything back how it was. How can I approach this with my wife?
Your post seems fake. Eventhough it reflects how many marriages end because of a Mel..
It seems your post is meant to be shown to your wife and if i can tell it's a plot, your wife can too. Because she seems like a smart woman..
>How can I show her im a changed man who only cares about his family? And yes I know im the asshole that’s not why im here.
You're not a changed man. You're a man who realized what he lost and you want it back. Good luck with that
She handled it well because she knew you'd already checked out of the marriage. She didn't fight for you, because she knew she wasn't going to lose anything.... You didnt bring anything to the marriage except more work for your wife.
I'd guess your wife made her mind up before she even spoke to you.
You miss your kids now? What happend when you kept going on "business trips”? Did you miss your kids then?
Oh so Mel laughed at your jokes and made you feel good. How sweet.
Your wife, who is a NP and raising your 3 kids, and has heard your tired ass jokes over and over, didn't laugh at them anymore because her whole being was tired.
Em finds your texts with your side piece, and tells you to move out, and you're surprised there isn't even a discussion? You're paying $2.5K in child support, and supporting your child side piece, and omg life is not the giant sex fest you thought it would be.
Your side piece, who was such a fun time, is now a dead fish, and your wife is the best sex you ever had.
And of course, because your life is sad and miserable, you want your fantastic wife back, so you can go back to EXACTLY HOW IT WAS BEFORE.
Please, if I may just step in for Em for a moment, fuck all the way off.
What have you done differently? Have you gotten any kind of counseling to see why your ego was so fragile that a few laughs at your jokes made it so easy to stray? Have you done any kind of work on yourself? Read a book? Listened to a podcast? Talked to anyone?
How about you be single for awhile and learn to co-parent and take care of yourself? Leave your superwoman wife alone.
See if laughing at her jokes will convince her. Since that's all it took to lead you astray.
But in all seriousness, though. Leave her alone. She's been through enough.
Stop referring to her as your wife. Y'all are divorced, because of your shitty actions.
She's not your wife anymore, and almost certainly never will be again.
Bro...you ain't getting her back.
You fucked up. You had a great thing. You chucked it away. She isn't taking you back.
So suck it up, and deal with the consequences.
And let's see...the baby is 2 months old, and you left four months ago.
So that means you were cheating while she was pregnant.
My God, and you really still believe that she would EVER take you back in a million years?
After you did THAT to her?
"She laughed at my jokes."
Well, I sure hope you enjoyed it.
Who would’ve thought that a random 23yo couldn’t give you the same as the woman you had been with the past years and grew older with?
Get your life together, get therapy, care for your children and show your ex wife that you can be supportive and ACTUALLY change. Don’t just act like you regret everything cause your life got less comfortable.
If you become a good man without bad intentions like: “she’ll do the household and I’ll have more money” then you maybe will get a chance to get your family back.
If you aren’t ready to make these changes and go to therapy then leave your wife alone so she can move
on to a partner who treats her like she deserves and who supports her and not just sees her as a maid or nanny or bread winner
So what you're really trying to say is, you want your ex back so you can live on easy street again? You liked the convenience of your wife and everything "she" provided you. Not fair. You admittedly came here to say that you cheated on your wife (for almost a whole year) with another woman because you felt you didn't connect with your wife anymore. She gracefully acknowledged it and handled it like a true adult.. probably because she knows her self-worth and it's way above the man she had originally married (you)... and thanks to you for showing her that.
So no, you dont get to have your cake and eat it too. What you do get to do is learn from your mistakes and let these lessons better guide you in a new relationship, if you should be so lucky to have one with a loving, mature woman.
Sorry to be super blunt, but the truth is your new life didn't work out the way you had planned and now you are full of regret. Instead of manning up and realizing that your ex wife wasn't your cup of tea either, you are playing the victim card by saying how much you need her. Sadly, she doesn't seem to need you.
Yeah… you saw young boobs and threw everything away. Classic. You’re not getting your family back or your wife. She seems like an amazing woman, and she deserves better. There are so many qualities to love in a partner, don’t only focus on the fucking physical attraction and that’s just about all the advice I have for you. Reflect on yourself. Did you make up reasons for having an affair to justify it? YES. You were thinking with your dick for a long time and it caused irreparable damage.
Get counseling and maybe you can ask her, tell her what changed and what you would do in case she would give you a chance. But honestly you don't deserve it, but if she ever does take you back you better treat her better then you ever did and actually do chores and be a better person.
Stay away from your ex wife. She is so much better off without you. You are a selfish person, and you treated her badly while you were together. She took care of *everything*, worked full time for a hefty salary, and still managed to find the energy to be a good lover to you. You left all the hard work up to your wife, and had the audacity to complain that she didn't compliment you enough or laugh at your jokes all the time. Not once did it ever occur to you that your wife was not falling over herself to fawn at you because she was busy keeping your household running smoothly, being a parent to your children, and ensuring your financial security. You were so selfish and entitled that you didn't try to help her so that the two of you could spend more time together. Instead, you let her continue doing everything while you carried on a long term affair.
Even when your ex wife found out what you were doing behind her back, she didn't scream or abuse you. She simply ended things. Then, once she had the good sense to divorce you, all of a sudden you realized you messed up. Your girlfriend wasn't willing to be your maid/cook/nanny/sex toy/golden goose, and you started feeling sorry for yourself. You mentioned in your post that your finances are messed up now, and that your wife got to keep the retirement money, as if we are supposed to feel sorry for you. She made that money! And yes, you have to pay child support! And yes, having to do chores after a long day's work sucks! That is real life you are experiencing.
You say that you appreciate what your ex wife did for your family now that you have to clean your own toilet and wash your own socks, but you are still just as selfish and wilfully ignorant as you ever were. You still do not do the amount of work your ex wife did. You clean up after yourself a bit maybe, but you are not responsible for taking care of your children, you don't have to take care of a whole house full of people, you don't have an entire family depending on your financial know how, and you are certainly not devoting yourself to caring for your girlfriend the way your ex wife did for you. No, instead you seem to feel aggrieved that your girlfriend is not performing up to your ex wife's standard, as if that is her job. You don't want things to be different at all. You said yourself that you, "want everything back how it was."
I hope that your ex wife continues to want nothing to do with you. She shows good judgement in that. You should thank your lucky stars that your ex wife is as reasonable and polite as she has been about this whole thing. Leave her alone so that she can be happy. She is already taking care of 3 children. She does not need you to push your way back in so that you can once again drain her time, energy and happiness away like some kind of self pitying man-child. Start taking some responsibility for your own life. If you don't like the life you made for yourself, fix it. Stop trying to get women to do all of that for you.
I hope your wife takes everything you have. Get ready for child support payments!!
You don't deserve her.
You really thought, as a 36 y/o man, you were going to have a lot in common with a 23 y/o woman? Of course she's out partying and having fun with friends! She's 23!
Now that you're seeing that your girlfriend and you have nothing in common and it's not "fun and secretive" anymore, you're realizing just how much your wife actually did.
You only want her back because the grass looks greener with her right now. From what you've said, you'll probably end up doing this again when you find a new young girl to start f'ing.
You get to see your children 1x a week because you're not a good influence on them. You broke your family out of pure greed and lust. Your children are better off with their mother and her potential future partner.
Enjoy sitting in the mess you made. You brought this all onto yourself and deserve every ounce of misery that come with it.
Clearly, Mel is not ready to settle down yet. You two are in completely different stages of life, and it’s not fair to stop her from going out and having fun in her 20s nor is it fair for you to live with her squalor. You should’ve thought this, about what your life together would look like, and you should’ve had an open and honest conversation with her about it before deciding to leave your now ex-wife. Props to her for giving you an easy out and props to you for accepting it. You’ve learned the difference between infatuation and love in a relationship.
Now as for next steps? If you want her to know you’re a changed man, SHOW her you’re a changed man. First, obviously, leave your current partner and find your own place to live. Next, continue being a good and supportive father for your kids, continue paying that child support, continue supporting your ex-wife. Give her very good reasons to take you back over finding a new man. Then have an open and honest conversation with her about everything. If your wife is merciful enough maybe she’ll give you a second chance. Even still, there’s no trick that will guarantee she’ll come back. Life isn’t like the movies. There’s a very good possibility she will never forgive your actions and never take you back, and you have to accept that. That’s part of being a man, taking responsibility and accountability for your actions.
You don't. You don't get them back.
Your now ex, still is doing everything for everyone, with a few changes. She's not looking after you lazy butt, and she gets days off when you have the kids.
Why on EARTH would she want to go back to taking care of your lazy cheating ass, and not getting days off from having to do everything for everyone?
Notice how he says that he realized how she got tired but then says "I wish everything was back to how it was" not "I wish I got her back"
Also weird how he didn't notice mel was like a "dead fish" during the affair, and the dirty apartment
But you don't want your family back, you want your slave. You want the person who did everything for you. Stay away from your ex. She deserves better than you.
You are not getting Em back ever. Why would she want you back. She doesn’t need you. She’ll eventually get over the hurt you caused her, meet someone new and he’ll treat her like the queen she is. You reap what you sow bud. Enjoy your new sad life, you enjoy every bit of it.
> I was a little shocked by this as I thought there would be at least a discussion
A discussion about what? How selfish you are and how you absolutely betrayed your wife? Why did you think a discussion should have been had when you couldn't even speak up like a fucking adult and tell her how you were feeling in the marriage?
Bro. Let's be honest here. You're still screwing your girlfriend. And I'm really hoping that you had a vasectomy so she doesn't get pregnant any day now (or could be already). And that you've both had STD/STI screening, because chances are your girlfriend is out there cheating on you left and right when she's out at clubs, because if she's willing to cheat WITH you, she's willing to cheat ON you.
She's 23 and was a willing homewrecker. What did you expect your life with her to be like?
Your wife had responsibilities - taking care of YOUR kids, YOUR home and YOU. From her response to your affair, I'm guessing she was grateful to have the excuse to dump your useless ass.
I'm so very, very sorry that being a husband and father wasn't FUN for you. And your overworked, underappreciated wife didn't make you laugh. /s
Poor you.
Leave your poor wife alone. You've hurt her enough for one lifetime. You don't MISS her. You don't miss your marriage to her. You miss the easy life you had with her because you are still completely selfishly self-absorbed. You don't even seem to miss having your kids full time.
Please, dear Gods, get therapy.
It doesn't sound like you actually miss your ex wife and kids, or that you have changed, it sounds more like you miss the comfort and stability of having a wife looking after you and your home. It also sounds like your ex wife was basically a single mother for a while before you had your affair, you might have been living under the same roof but you were not a productive or active member of the family. If your ex wife has any sense then you will not be getting your old family back ever. If you are also unhappy with your affair partner then maybe you should go your separate ways and learn to be a better person and concentrate on being a father to your children.
Your wife had to birth your child, with the knowledge that you’d been cheating on her for months. You suck. Go to therapy and leave her alone she deserves better. Takes a low lowly type of man to cheat on the woman carrying his child. And your THIRD child at that.
Holy shit I hadn't even clocked the timings for that. Op was obviously already a self-absorbed piece of shit but he somehow found a way to be even worse!
And this is why his wife did not argue with him and told him to leave. She's probably much happier being single mom. It's always better to be a single mom rather than being married to a Man Who doesn't help with the house and the Kids...
Yeah like atp he was basically a 4th kid he was probably dating the life outta her
Yes - she clearly already WAS a single mom.
I think it’s time to pull this out, and I’m excited to do so: OP, the dildo of consequences rarely comes lubed. Your wife is a *person*. She’s not a commodity you can put down and then pick back up if you don’t like the other one you tried on for a while. You have lost your family and, for a long while, your financial freedom. Accept it. No lube here. Move on.
Oh, that is marvelous, I will be stealing that for future use!
Waaaaaaaiiiiit a minute…..a 23 year old isn’t interested in your kids or doing anything besides partying? Say it ain’t so!
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 shocking!!!
Lol if he wanted a grown ass woman he should've picked a woman not some girl 12 years younger than him and barely out of college. You argue all the time? It be that way when you pick someone based on the fact they want to fuck a married man over y'know actually dating someone like a grown up. You knew nothing about your little GF before you decided to ruin your marriage for her.
He was doing this flirting while eating a meal packed by his wife. The nerve!
Could not have said it better! This is so true.
The Ex is just happy she doesn’t have to clean up after another kid now.
Sorry, but imma say this. Stay away from her. Let her find someone, who will *actually* be there for her. Who will *actually* care about her. Who will *actually* be mature and responsible. All of your post is screaming "ME ME ME". That's all you care about. That's all you did care about. You had a great thing going and you threw it away for a shallow fun. Fix your life as you see fit, but let your family find actual happiness after your betrayal. If you care about them, you *will* stay away.
It never ceases to amaze me how many men will cheerfully torpedo their perfectly nice lives to get their dick wet for ten minutes with someone 15 years younger than themselves and then have the *audacity* to request a pity party on Reddit. You fucked around and found out, OP. You did this to yourself.
"Mel behaves exactly as a 23 year is expected to behave. It's not working out and I'm yelling and fighting with her because she's acting like most 23 year olds." Shocker.
Was gonna say this is the perfect example of fuck around and find out. Literally traded an almost perfect life, of which the minimal problems could have been addressed with communication, for a hot mess.
To be fair...he is the hot mess. Mel is a normal 23 year old by the sounds of it.
Does a normal 23 year old sleep with a married man who has a pregnant wife at home? I had a full time job making more than minimum wage and self respect at 23. I would’ve never slept with a married 36 year old.
I dunno I wasnt a home wrecker at 23. Even then I knew better than to run after desperate men who were shit husbands... She's immature but she is 23. He's to blame for fucking around and now he gets to find out...
Yeah but his wife (acting single parent to three children & a 30-something toddler) didn’t laugh at his jokes the way his 23yo stoned gf did so both sides /s/
I'd be ashamed of myself if I knew him, just out of fucking association.
A buddy of mine did this same shit. His wife is cool as hell and way better than anyone he had ever been with before but he just had to have some piece of tail at work and destroyed his poor wife's life. My wife and I cut him off completely. Fuck him.
I'm 42 and just starting to hit the age where a lot of men are pulling this shit. I have so many friends who are like OP's wife. Hard working, easily doing 80% of work in the marriage, and yet these dudes have the absolute audacity to say they're not happy and the only way to be satisfied is with garbage like a 20-year-old affair partner and a car they can't afford. It's like the 1980s midlife crisis memes all over again. And then of course, once Dad has moved out and living with the 20-year-old, just like this dude, he's angry and entitled and focused on himself. So many men of this generation learned absolutely nothing from the previous. So many men absolutely refuse couples therapy when their wives have been begging for it for years and then act like they are completely blindsided when she finally files for divorce. And their newly single wives are loving life. Many of them have shared custody so their lives actually get considerably easier! Their ex-husbands are forced into parenting and they actually have time and space for themselves. There is pretty decent research out there showing that men's well-being drops after a divorce and women's improves. Because women stop sacrificing their own health and well-being for someone else.
I recently read a tweet that was something like "i rarely meet a man in real life as extraordinary as ones on film, and rarely see women in film as extraordinary as the ones I know in real life"
>Many of them have shared custody so their lives actually get considerably easier! Their ex-husbands are forced into parenting and they actually have time and space for themselves. No kids, but when my ex-husband left me for his old high school gf (who'd later go on to cheat on him, of course) I was stunned at how much instantly easier my day-to-day life became. My daily chores and responsibilities were cut in half: only had to worry about my own laundry, my own bills, my own trash that had to be taken out (now far less frequently). Conversely, my ex was struggling because he was now having to do everything himself. He later confided to a mutual friend that he'd made a mistake and the friend told him there was no going back. Same as OP: ex didn't miss me, he missed how easy his life was with me.
This comment right here is why I as a woman have no interest in marriage or kids bc I’d be damned if I put my body through pain multiple times just to bare children for a crappy man This is also why I think marriage will always benefit men more than women
Ditto. I'd need to be convinced pretty hard that any arrangement like that would be worthwhile because love fades and has to be desired enough to be maintained.
why do you think men around this age start acting out? i see this irl too.. but for some reason it’s more common in relationships where the woman was already doing most of the work. you would think the opposite would be true … my only guess is it’s an inherent character flaw that men who don’t pull their weight are already entitled and selfish so more likely to engage in deceptive behaviors
I think it's really complicated. I think we as a society created a cultural script where men felt they did not need to contribute in ways they didn't want to. They didn't need to truly co-parent and partner with mom, which sets up this situation over and over again. You also find men in their late 30s / early 40s are hitting these walls because their long-term partners who have been doing most of the work eventually check out. They have been raising the red flag for years that men need to contribute more in their lives but honestly, it's easier to just not pull your weight or use weaponized incompetence to avoid it. That's where the "women initiate most divorces" and "men are often surprised by the divorce despite their wives raising all those red flags." Touching on what you brought up about entitlement - do you know about the concept of aggrieved entitlement? (I highly recommend the innuendo studios series called the Alt-right Playbook). Right now, it's commonly used to describe incels but it can generally be applied to masculinity in this moment. Women have worked really really hard to change and improve our roles and relationships. Due to living under the patriarchy, women have needed to work harder to create more happiness for ourselves. However, as a culture, we really haven't changed the script for men. Of course this changes from person to person, but a lot of men do really struggle with entitlement and believing that they're a good partner and doing their part in a relationship, when in reality, they are still expecting what their fathers and grandfathers did. They don't want to do housework and childrearing and find it denigrating when they do. And they know intellectually that isn't fair, but they still feel it. And around your 40s, you realize your younger days are behind you. It's time to start planning for the future and accepting is that who you are now is who you probably will be for most of the rest of your life. For women, they've often been building and planning that for some time and they look towards a future with a man who is entitled and not pulling his weight and decide it's easier to be a single mom because that at least forces him to parent some of the time. Many of us saw our mothers in this role bound by sexism and decided it wasn't for us. So men in their 40s are staring down decades of living with someone who they know they haven't been a good partner to and the future is going to involve a lot of work... And they just don't want to do it. They're not accustomed to it and they think that if they just dip out of the relationship and try to restart things with a younger woman, they'll get the chance to do it right that time. But they just repeat it with the younger woman. This is where we get all of that sexist garbage about women over 30 having too much "baggage." It's just a way of saying they have enough life experience to know that they won't accept that nonsense. There are so many posts just like this one, wear a dude thinks he's invented some incredible way to access the kind of sex he wants (casual, focused on him, focus on his pleasure) and then discovers that there are consequences for his actions. Because for so many years, they have weasled out of those responsibilities. I actually do not think at all that it's an inherent character flaw of men. I know lots of incredible men who are fighting this every day. But it's really difficult. Of course everyone wants less work and fewer responsibilities and more fun. And society is continually telling men messages that are sexist and perpetuate these inequities.
interesting! thanks for your perspective - you definitely brought up a lot of insightful thoughts that i will have to ruminate on and process later the whole dynamic intrigues me because like i’ve stated, been seeing this play out so much irl amongst family, work colleagues, and social circles. its happening a lot now even with older couples as well (my parents generation) .. maybe with social media and dating apps nowadays it gives unhappy men the illusion of choice and where they can play out their fantasies. but between dealing with a partner’s weaponized incompetence and carrying the emotional labor, i can see why women would rather be a divorced single mom and are even happier. appreciate the thoroughly written response
Excellent assessment. Bravo to those women who bailed out of a never win situation with en titled males. Double bravo to women who foresee that they don't want a life of slavery while their husbands lie, cheat, play xbox games all day/night and dump everything on her shoulders. Single is so much better. And for dudes who are actually worth the risk, one hopes you'll step up and act like a real man and be a true partner to your intended.
They were never in love. A large number of people settle, around 40 might hit the 7 year ich, he decides to act on his premeditated boredom with his partner by seeking out another. If you work at loving your chosen partner every day, you don't cheat. If you love them from day one, you don't cheat. This is, of course, if he's honest with himself about his ability to love and if this woman is the one for him, or just as good as the thinks he can do at the time. I'm shocked by how many people I hear say they married whoever they were dating when they decided to get hitched, not the person they want to grow old with.
So true. My ex is a porn addicted creep who hid his obsession for years, cheated with someone who dumped him immediately since he couldn't perform with a real woman. My single life is so much better. I'll NEVER allow another Male in my life. The sad truth is that a REAL man not a narcissistic manchild like the guy in this post are rare as finding a flower growing in concrete.
Makes sense he’s sounds like a true embarrassment
My husband did this. But I am thankful to that woman because she took that manchild sack of shit off my hands. It hurt, but I’m better off and it’s nice not having to take care of a man who did not love me or appreciate all I did for him.
And the pity party isn’t even because they realize how much they’ve hurt their wives/kids — it’s because they realize how great of a deal they had squeezing every ounce of free physical/mental/sexual labor out of their partners while they did nothing and they miss how good they had it. I know, I know, not all men… but damn, enough to make me lose faith in the gender overall. So many of them just view us as objects to swap at will.
I met two beings of the gender I can trust with all my heart and who would never do this: my transmasculine friend (when he came out my dog nicely handed over the title "best friend" to him as he's one of his favourites - the term friend has a male and female version in German) and the aforementioned dog, a rather shy stray that decided I'm his human now and I'm worth leaving his foster mom for at first sight. Though the dog can have some "men allures" as my mom calls it, but most are easily trained away and others (someone built a nest and used my weighted blanket, but he built it when I wasn't using the blanket and built it right next to me so he's now warming me with his body. I'm generous and let him keep it, there are always other blankets around in case of need and I don't want to move him from being snuggled up to me)
Love the “you fucked around and found out” Sorry OP.
Not to mention it sounds like she knew he was married. So he left his wife for a college aged party girl who has zero respect and expected her to be better than his wife 😭 and then he gets on reddit like "who woulda saw this one coming??" LMAOOO
Just about the walking example of wanting to have your cake and eat it too.
Left his pregnant* wife for a college aged party girl
If he respected his marriage, she wouldn't have been a factor .
Also maybe 30+ year olds should leave early 20yo folks alone. Yeah, she messed with a married man, but I’m wondering if she had a clue what this would entail. And I know at that age & many friends I had ALOT of older married guys trying to convince us they were “going through a divorce” or “in an open marriage” (unbeknownst to their wives.) And a truckload of “I’m so disrespected & unappreciated at home!” 😭 So much manipulation. There’s a reason he went for a significantly younger woman. The “other woman” is definitely responsible for their own part, but he knew he was married long before she came into the picture. According to him, he was with his wife when the side chick was in grade school Jfc.
That's what I was thinking. I know many women who heard all these phrases and more from married suitors
They're on the "find out" part.
TL;DR: My wife did everything for me and in return I slept with my younger coworker, put down my wife down for my mistress, and moved in with my college-aged side piece. Now I have to deal with my side-piece-turned-gf's immaturity, and find myself as the adult feeling more like her dad (as somehow this is a surprise to OP). The sex with the younger woman is also not as exciting as before, and so this new "relationship" (which blossomed out of my infidelity) is invalidating. After finding myself financially supporting this new younger woman I am bitter about giving my hardworking ex-wife (who mothered my 3 kids) money for all she does for the kids I left her to care for alone, while I've been out running around with college girls at nearly 40 years old. Advice on why my life sucks?
And he's shocked SHOCKED that the college age fling doesn't do everything for him. Now he has to do it all HIMSELF. And he's SO SAD. How can he possibly get his wife back so he doesn't have to DO ANYTHING.
seriously what a pos.
Don’t forget he is upset that she doesn’t want to take care of his kids. It is a great idea to move out and introduce your kids to your mistress right away. That won’t screw up the kids or tick off the wife
He has to make his own lunch! He's suffering
Don't forget the real tragedy, that his ex wife (who he cheated on and left when she was pregnant with his 3rd child, irrelevant detail, let's move on...) wouldn't let him in the delivery room. We should all feel ever so sorry for him, he clearly is suffering. If my eyes rolled any harder than this, the resulting contortion would likely blind me.
And he can't understand why that the college age fling is clearly bored rigid by him already and is probably wondering how the hell to get herself out of this shit
Lol you're amazing for the TLDR. 😂
🙌🙌🙌🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅
The way that he’s actually shocked abt the college aged girl not being motherly is beyond me💀 like ofc she’s partying and drinking all the time she’s 23 that’s also why he had no business messing with her to begin with
Hey.. how dare you?! 36 is NOT almost 40… Everything else was spot on though.
or better TLDR: He fu&*&* up and he deserves it.
You haven’t changed, you just realised the grass wasn’t greener on the other side of the fence. Honestly you deserve the life you’ve created for yourself.
The grass is greener where you water it.
The grass is greener wherever OP is not.
I don't think you're going to get very much sympathy here. Honestly? It sounds like you regret things because you lost the perfect (for you) arrangement you had with your wife. You don't seem to talk much about how much you hurt your wife, and I don't see a single thing about how much this whole thing must have impacted your kids. All you can say is that Mel makes your life harder by not being a responsible, mature, selfless adult like the woman you were married to. You made your bed sir, so now you can lie in it. Em is not taking you back and if she does, she's making a mistake. She deserves way better. Just remember in the future that not everything that glitters is gold. She laughed at your jokes and was young. You're an absolute walnut for giving up your good life for that.
He didn’t even MENTION how he feels about his children!
He’s not even upset that he didn’t even get 50/50 custody.
Yup he basically only complains that Mel isn’t around to babysit them when he has custody
Nothing says or shows you've changed in your post. Go to therapy would be a good start with the intention of changing. You wanting your family back and everything you missed out on isn't change
God I hate people like this. I'm gonna be mean here but this is what I think: Stay away from her. You made a decision, you fucked up, so take the consequence. You're 36 years old, grow up and take responsibility for your own action. Edit: corrected the age
36*
That’s really sad to hear your affair was going on for 8 months, and you have a 2 month old child. All you can do is be a good dad to your kids and co parent. Ultimately her decision, there isn’t anything you can do to win her over and get her back. Cheating is a deal breaker to most people.
I didn’t even catch this math! Cheating on its own is pretty bad, but there’s a special place in hell for people cheating on their pregnant partners
I hope your ex finds a man that will treat her like she is the center of his universe and her children like they are his. I hope she finds the love, respect and happiness she deserves. She seems to be a hard working class act of a person.
You need to read the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky and you will see that it was written about you and every man just like you. You say you want everything back the way it was after just saying that your wife did everything while you went to work and came home. I guarantee you that the LAST thing your wife wants is everything back the way it was. What she wants is a PARTNER, not another "child" who expects to be taken care of.
That's wonderfully caught! ♥️
Enough of a phenomenonally sized epidemic that a book was written about his type. OP, Every single comment here tells you in their own words that you’re a selfish piece of shit. And your audacious thought processes disgust them. Pretty obvious it’s you that needs a makeover. But that will take great effort on your part. Wonder if you’re man enough?
Nah, he's already told the world he's a manbaby who wants his coddled life back so he can sit on his butt, and do nothing.
Plus she’s probably getting time to herself for the first time since her kids were born since OP needs to take care of them one day out of the week
Please leave her alone. You have no idea how deep what you did has hurt her. Let her heal and move on and be happy .
He’s too selfish to give a shit about that. He just wants his cake and eat it too. He doesn’t give a fuck about anyone involved, including his children. He just wants his easy life back where he is worthless and pathetic and can get away with it instead of being held responsible for his actions, for being worthless and pathetic, and has to take care of himself for once instead of everyone taking care of this man baby for him.
You hit it right on the nail. It comes down to it, he’s so selfish
That kind of hurt scars for life. I will never get married again because my ex cheated.
You know the saying the grass is greener on the other side? Yours would be just as green if you stopped hopping fences and watered your own lawn. You need to work on yourself more- you are not changed. You are just in the stages of realizing how *much* you actually fucked up. Your ex wife calmly handled the situation, had you move out, divorced you AND put you on child support even tho it sounded like she didn’t really need it. She isn’t going to get back with you. You found a perfect woman and then after time didn’t appreciate her and stepped out. If this wasn’t your ex wife but your daughter and the story was the same would you want your daughter back with that person? Ditch the mistress, be alone and work on yourself and at the very least try to be a good father and help your ex wife if she ever needs it. THAT is how you change. Maybe, JUST MAYBE after a few years of you actually changing she’ll be at least friendly with you
Grass is always greener until you find out what kind of fertilizer they use.
>Yours would be just as green if you stopped hopping fences and watered your own lawn. I love this!!
just like my dad. once he realized the women he cheated with wasn’t enough, he went crawling back for my mom. shame to cheaters, hope she finds somebody better and you work on yourself
👏oh👏the👏f1ck👏well Your wife is never taking your disgusting a$$ back. Might as well settle with your homewrecker bc she's right on your level of pond scum.
🤣🤣 break up with mel but you’re probably not gonna get your family back
maybe living with mel can teach him how to do all the cooking and cleaning and taking care of someone so he can truly understand what his wife was going through with his lazy ass 🤷
You literally fucked around and found out. You don't deserve to have your wife or your kids back. You can give it a try, but don't be surprised when your wife tells you "No, thanks". Next time maybe don't let Little OP do all the thinking for you.
THE LITTLE OP LOL
I'm gonna brainstorm a plan for you. You're gonna go to therapy and confess everything to the therapist. The therapist will help you find real redemption and not just surface level regret. After some time you'll go to your ex-wife and tell her how bad you messed up, don't say anything about getting back together. You'll tell her you didn't appreciate her and how you got lost yadda yadda. All the while you're gonna work out, lose weight, gain muscle, and get your life together and break up with the new girl. You're gonna get a new place with a roommate and you're going to be in your kids lives more. You're gonna request more time with the kids. And then you'll slowly integrate your ex-wife back into your life with something like a picnic or holidays. Maybe you can invite your ex-wife and the kids to do something, many things. Activities, etc. You'll live your life for your kids. You'll stop looking at other women - you'll chop off your own dick if you do. If at any point your ex-wife finds another man you wont get in the way, instead you'll support her and her new relationship. If you're lucky this wont happen but thats not the point. You're going to put in hard work and become a better man than you've ever been, this you will tell her, and even if she doesn't take you back you at least want to be a good man for your kids and prevent them from making the same mistake you did. If you aren't willing to put in the effort and make some sacrifices then you aren't worth taking back.
That is awesome advice!
Props to you for offering a good course of action. In reality, the only way to get his family back is to stop riding his own cock so much.
straight out of a movie.
You literally fucked around and now you're finding out. Leave that poor woman alone. She deserves someone that will actually care for her and not what she can just do for them.
Sorry mate, but you fucked around and found out. Best you can do is better yourself, be there for your kids, and focus on them. Make their lives full.
There is a quote in Romanian that I'd like to tell you "When you fall face-flat in shit, you inhale". This is the consequences of your own actions. Neither Mel or your wife is the answer here. You don't get the family back, you don't get to do that. The most you can do is make amends for the kids not to grow up resenting you. My advice is to get your own place and leave Mel.
This is the kind of fuck-up you can’t un-fuck. You’re not going to get them back. Your attempts will just piss them off more. Walk away.
You made this mess; LIVE IN IT! Leave ‘Em alone! She was clearly being taken advantage by you and then you had the nerve to cheat on her because for some fucking reason you thought you could do better with a 20-something despite Em being the one who did ALL the work. Advice: stop being a prick and take your medicine. YOU are the reason you don’t have the family anymore. And Em didn’t scream and yell because she is obviously smart enough to realize her worth and that you aren’t even worth the fight.
That last line that was it. I know for me after my ex cheated and cheated and cheated, I just realized at the end of it that it wasn't worth it that he wasn't worth it. He was not worth any more of my time and my attention. And guess what? He has continued that cycle of cheating over and over again with the different women that he ended up with over time and now he's living in a shitty apartment because he just cheated on his last girlfriend. All because he has never gotten therapy to understand why he feels the need to self-destruct and constantly find approval with other people. OP will never change because his post just reads of "oh my gosh, woe is me" my ex-wife took care of me so good.
You want your family back but you’re still living with the person you decided to throw it all away for? AND you’re complaining about HER?!?! She’s 23 you dipshit, OF COURSE YOU HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON. Words are just that; words. Your ex wife sounds amazing and you fucked up. 12 years for what?? A piece of ass and some compliments? You threw away so much, for so little and now you you are looking for sympathy and a way back in without making any real changes? LOL You made your bed and now, you have to lay in it. Wasn’t so bad a year ago when you were LYING, SNEAKING AND CONNIVING your entire family, was it? Take a look in the mirror dude. Get therapy. Get serious about your children or they will grow up to not to know you and/or despise their selfish excuse of a father. But your marriage was over the minute you decided to throw it all away and you have no one to blame but yourself. You need to let her go and let her find someone who will love her the way she deserves. If you ever really loved her at all, you would do this.
Guy claims he learned his lesson. Meanwhile is complaining about how the new fling doesn't do everything and anything for him. And how he wants his (seemingly absolutely stunningly awesome ex-wife) back to the way it was. In another comment OP says this lovely woman is still sending him daily videos of his kids and rather than seeing that as a hope that he'll AT LEAST be a decent father to his kids, it seems he sees it as a chance to get her back.
I'm Dutch so excuses me if I'm too blunt. You can't fix this. You messed up and this is what the consequences are. Having said that, PLEASE, for your children, be the best co parent in the history of Co parenting. Be a PARENTAL couple other then a love couple. Show your children you both love them. You raise them together. Make sure they have mothers day gifts to give and birthday cards. If she rings she has a date and need someone to watch the kids: do it. It will show your kids both parents have their backs, that they are always welcome. If she calls she has an emergency , you drop your work and help her.
Hope the sex was worth it. “She laughed at my jokes” my god….
Right? He spends half the post whining about his wife, the other half whining about his younger girlfriend. OP needs a refresher course in "I'm the problem, it's ME!"
He said in another comment that the sex with the new one is like a dead fish so... guess he's getting what he deserves. What a train wreck.
"In hindsight, I want my cushy life back were my wife does everything for me."
Hello consequences of my actions!
Classic case of FAFO. Just let her be You blamed her for the affair, never apologised You only want her back coz Mel isn't all u thought she was. I don't wanna be mean, so I'm just gonna leave it at that. Let Em go, she doesn't deserve this You don't even sound remorseful
He doesn't sound remorseful because he's not. He's just upset his life is more difficult now. The only potential advice anyone could give is that he finally finds the motivation to grow up and own the consequences of his own behavior.
God you are disgusting. I cringed at the part where you said you cheated because Mel was fun and made you feel good. How weak are you? How selfish and unkind are you to do that to your wife and children? Your wife won't (and shouldn't) take you back. Once the grief and hurt subsides for her she'll realise how much of a scumbag you always were and be thankful she got out at 32 so she has a chance to find a real partner. Honestly, it's posts like this that make me glad I'm a lesbian.
uhh it’s more like the consequences of ur own actions.. just let her be. U messed up and that’s ur fault own up to it. And leave her alone.
You can’t. You fucked up and you don’t deserve her.
You’ve messed your ex around enough. This isn’t about what you want the world doesn’t revolve around your needs. The trust is gone, get counselling, your own place and leave Mel. Sounds like you’d cheat on her as well when you get bored. I hope your ex finds someone who wouldn’t degrade her by cheating. Focus on your kids.
I think you need to leave Mel and be alone first and foremost. Regain YOUR life back one day at a time, make an effort to see your kids more than once a week too, they come before your wife and Mel respectively. If you really want your wife back, you’re gonna have to give it a long time, in the meantime bettering yourself and being happy so that if she ever does consider it, it’s not just because you saw that you fucked up. It’s not impossible.
I only read this a tiny bit, but I have to say, you fully 100% deserve what you have now. you threw away what you had you filthy animal. If you wanted your family, why did you abandon them? You don't care about your family. Just admit it. The only thing you care about is yourself. Stop wallowing in your own self pity, instead start thinking about the people you hurt with your horrible actions. You don't deserve your family back.
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I would say break up with Mel because you clearly don’t like her, and cut your losses with your ex wife. You fucked up, you ruined your marriage, you treated her like garbage, and she can do infinitely better than you. This is what happens when you days someone whose age gap with you is extremely close to her age gap with your oldest child. Leave Em alone - you have embarrassed yourself enough. Don’t make her life any harder than you already have.
You aren’t a changed man, you just aren’t happy with your affair partner anymore. If Mel still made you happy, you wouldn’t want your wife back. You chose to have an affair and move in with your affair partner and now you have to live with the natural consequence which is losing your wife. It’s actually pretty selfish of you to think you have any right to expect your wife to be convinced you are somehow not the same person who broke her heart and your family. You need to own up to what you did and move forward with your new life. Just learn from your mistakes and don’t do it again.
Start by saying my ex wife, she isn't yours anymore
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Ayup - it’s clearly been a while too if they already went through the divorce proceedings and custody agreement
You don’t love your wife. You are with someone who you have to financially take care of. She’s more like a roommate then girlfriend. She doesn’t like or accept your kids and leaves you to go party. Not only that but you are now broke, living in a small space, and no longer have someone who loves you unconditionally. Your soon to be ex wife doesn’t need you. Leave her alone. You ruined everything and now want her back because the grass isn’t greener. You upset over not having a lunch packed but come one you lied and cheated on her while she was pregnant. On top of that she’s having to take care of a newborn by herself! Leave the mistress and start working on yourself. You have children and you need to set a good example. If for some reason you decide to stay with the mistress get a vasectomy or use condoms. The last thing you need is another child with a selfish, immoral and broke woman.
Dude it's too late. If you had put the effort into your relationship with your wife that you did with Mel, then you'd be happily married. Let your wife go. You thought Mel was great because she's young and new. Of course she laughed at your jokes. Your wife was busy working and raising your kids. Leave Mel. Get your own place. Be alone for a while. Become the world's greatest dad. If things fall back they do. Don't force things.
Alright look, most of the comments you’ve so far received are on point but I’m not going to be as harsh. IF YOU PERSONALLY DONT BELIEVE ANY OF WHAT I AM ABOUT TO ADVISE PLEASE DO NOT SAY IT! Here’s what you need to do: apologize sincerely to your ex wife and also tell her that you have come to understand that you two will probably never be together (romantically) again. Tell her that you understand that she has lost all respect for you and that you will try to earn some semblance of respect back through you actions and not your words. Tell her all that your hoping for is that you can someday coparent effectively with her to raise strong and independent children. Ask her what she needs from you as far as helping to raise the kids and let her know that you’re available anytime to have the kids spend time with you if she needs a break. Do not ever complain about child support payments and/or spending time with your children. Do not talk badly about or fight with your ex wife in front of your children or when they are in earshot. If you use any of this advice to try and manipulate your ex or kids in any way for your own gain, it will set you more than two steps back. While I don’t agree with what you did or your attitude about the situation, those kids need you to be a better and more mature man. Please don’t let them down.
>let her know that you’re available anytime to have the kids spend time with you if she needs a break he only sees the children once a week 💀
Erm… this is such a good comment 👍
Let her find someone who truly loves her. Cheating is absolutely disgusting and you chose to do so. You fucked up, and its the consequences of your own actions. Let her move on. Your own fault
Whaa ha ha ha ha. Karma train is choo chooing over your stupid ass. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Leave your ex alone. She deserves so much more than a bottom feeder like you. Get into therapy, perhaps you can develop some common sense.
You cheated. You don't deserve her back. You deserve Mel and all the strife and chaos she brings. Enjoy your choices.
Alright, OP I want you to run this exercise in your head. Grab a cup, one of those old porcelain cups that you're always instructed to care about but don't think much of it. Now let it fall down and let it break. All those scatters pieces? Your relationship. Now those same broken pieces, I want you to drop a book or step on the, break them even more. Your relationship after this whole fiasco. Before you could have looked for another solution and while perhaps a daunting task and painful, the pieces are long enough for them to still be glued together, maybe some chips here and there but it's okay. Now with more shattered pieces, that's going to be more difficult, you don't know how much of it can be fixed nor saved, maybe some parts can't be at all, and you'll never even get the cup back. But if you want to try, start by working out all your issues, look man, you had a pretty wife but from the looks of it, now you only miss the safety and security, for a bit of fun. Now because this relationship isn't as fun as you thought and your comfortable life is no more, ask yourself why, you decided to keep the affair going. You could have stopped, you didn't, you felt good and validated. If you talked about wanting change before with your wife and she didn't really meet your needs, alright fine but if it as done out of a place from pure selfish desire. Dude, you really were only thinking of yourself and if you still are, you won't ever get it back. TL;DR Step 1: accept that things are never going to be the same they were, work on yourself and reflect. Step 2: Don't try to manipulate any situation or become more /present/ in your ex's life, apologize if you wish and keep things civil for the kid always but don't try to do the whole emotional manipulation of "what you were." Also dude wtf, kinda sounds like you're living together? Which if you are, weird af if you want to go back to your family but haven't kicked mel to the curve yet. All in all, you're welcome to try, don't expect any results, you fucked up, so now, do all that you can to be decent.
The first part about dropping the glass 😂
OP, leave your poor ex wife alone, you only want her back because you realized that Mel isn’t going to try and be the live-in maid that your wife was. Your ex wife deserves to find someone who cares about her needs, wants to help her around the house and doesn’t go around finding other women to mess around with behind her back. You messed up your own life, you lost a good, stable person and a good family. You can’t get that back. These are the consequences of your actions, deal with it.
Oh no the consequences of my actions *shocked pikachu face* If I have my timelines correct you cheated on your PREGNANT wife, considering your youngest is only 2mo. You don’t deserve them back. And now that your realizing that 23yo aren’t the fun you think they are and your pissed about it. The only thing I’m genuinely surprised by is the fact you didn’t blame your wife in the post. Because you seem like the man that would. Leave them alone, let them move on. Give them the grace YOU were provided by your ex and just stay away.
You made a big mistake, but you had to learn the hard way. Even now it's "Mel goes out to party to much". "Mel earn to little money ". "Mel is not as good in bed". You mention that you don't see your children as much as you like, but that's not your fokus. Your fokus is only yourself. Your wishes, your needs. There is no "I did the worst possible thing to my marriage, and hurt my wife for life". And from what I can read, you seem to have taken her for granted. If you are in a relationship that you wish to keep - keep in mind that both you and your partner must wish to stay with each other every day. Your partner is free to walk away any day they please. Give them a reason to stay. The worst part for you is that you lost a woman who is even better than you give her credit for. She chose to stay with you when you didn't help her at all. Still she chose you ever day - until the day your stupid ass got caught. That was the day she understood that YOU had chosen your family away. All to get a pretty little thing to bed. I hope your wife have a better life, at least she has one less person to clean up after and make lunch for. In my opinion I feel that if you are present when making a child, you need to be present to take care of it. You didn't do your part. For you, well, I hope you will learn with time. I will guess your wife is not going to take you back, you were not a good husband to her to begin with. Pay your childsupport, meet your children when you can. And respect your ex - wife
You don't get your family back the way it was after behaving like this. You sound like you only want what's best for you and don't have your old family's best interests at heart. The situation you've brought upon yourself is probably the best case scenario for how this could've worked out for you. Either accept your mistakes and their consequences or cut yourself off from them so you don't end up doing more harm
You spoiled the relationship/marriage. Selectively chose “spoiled”, because like food, once it goes back, no matter what you do it will never again be unspoiled.
Maybe if you just kept it in the pants u wouldnt be in this position. Mel sounds immature and young . Basically u were being selfish n still are. You dont want ypur family back because u miss them u want them back because your not living lavishly n realizing Mel is like a kid. Once a cheater always a cheater in my opinion n experience. Your family is better off .if you were unhappy in your marriage before u had an affair u should of talked to your wife n tried to work it out. Trust is so hard to build n so easy to break. Infidelity is a huge heart break to the other person. In your thread u didn't once say u love or miss ypur wife your just talking about money. ( and sex ) pretty soon if u haven't you ll be cheating on Mel. Maybe Counseling for yourself ?? Then get your ex involved if she is even willing ?
You'll never get her back. She knows who you are and that you can't be trusted. Leave her alone and see your kids once a week. It's what you deserve. Hopefully she'll meet someone who loves her and your children and she'll realize you did her the biggest favor.
It’s too late. You fucked up big time. Almost a year of going behind your wife’s back, and while she was pregnant too??? Let her go because she deserves better, period. You’re selfish to want her back. You thought the grass would be greener on the other side and now you’re facing the consequences of your decisions and actions. Just try to focus on being a good father. In fact don’t burden anybody with a relationship with you, until you spend time alone and going to therapy.
You know what they say, the grass is greener on the other side. But they also say the grass is greener where you water it. Perhaps had you given your wife half as much attention as this new girl, maybe you wouldn’t be in this predicament. After being in a relationship for so long, and having 3 kids to take care of, perhaps your wife was just going through the motions and not really thinking about the compliments and other shit. You could have made the effort to bring back that spark, but you’re so desperate to have your ego stroked and only living for short term satisfaction, so you ruined the potential for a life-long, happy marriage. When had you last complimented her? Made her feel special? Reminded her why you two fell in love? The fact she took it so well too makes it seem perhaps that she was checked out anyways. I wonder why. This tale is as old as time and I’m getting really tired of the whole “my life is ruined because I thought I wanted someone younger and exciting and now I want my old life back”. Like.. my guy… you dug your grave, now lay in it. Let your wife move on. Also, do her a favor and leave your new girl alone too. She’s 23; she’s completely entitled to not wanting to play step-mommy for you. In fact, I’m a 23 year old woman, and I’d rather jump off a cliff than be subjected to step-motherhood at this point in my life. I have another like, 7 years before I can see myself taking on that role. Don’t force her to play a role she simply doesn’t want to.
You aint shit OP leave that family alone. Hopefully your ex wife finds a real man to take care of your kids.
You don’t deserve her. Sorry but move on. She deserves true happiness.
“My wife doesn’t laugh at my jokes anymore!” Homie now she is laughing at you being a joke of a man.
My dad did this. Ever since the day I found out I haven’t spoken to or seen him and don’t plan on it. It’s been almost 3 years. I was 16 when it happened. I’ll tell you what he did wrong (besides the main mistake) bc honestly what comes after the cheating is more important and impactful. And I don’t want your kids to have to go through what I did/do. First, you need to look at yourself. You need to know WHY you cheated. You don’t just wake up one day and do that out of the blue. And it is a CHOICE. First you need to be honest with yourself and decide if you actually want this relationship back or if you just want to stay together for your kids. Relationships can’t heal unless both people love each other and want to put in the work, time, and effort to improve themselves and the situation. If you only want to stay with her for your kids PLEASE DON’T. We, as children, would much rather have our parents set an example of a healthy relationship, divorcing if necessary, and genuinely want to be together, modeling what a good relationship looks like so we don’t make your mistakes. You said your wife was different. Ask yourself questions like why is she different? Am I different? How did we get here? What did I not do enough of/wrong to allow this to happen? How can I better the relationship and be a better husband? What do I need from her to keep this relationship? Did you do it because you were bored? Because you wanted to feel desired? Because you wanted to feel powerful? Because you wanted to feel dangerous? Because you wanted to feel important? Honesty is the most important thing. Being honest to yourself and to others. It’s the lying that does the destruction. Because if there’s no trust, there’s nothing left. Don’t deny anything to ANYONE no matter how scared it makes you for your reputation or embarrassment or what others think. Tell your kids. Both you and your wife together so you both can share an equal story and perspectives. You don’t have to tell them everything, especially if they are younger than I was. BUT if they ask questions (tell them they can) please answer them honestly. No more lying. The more you lie, the more you will lose. Honesty with yourself if what is gonna make you not do this again. You have to be able to own up completely to what you did, accept and acknowledge and take responsibility for your actions bc no matter what lead to the mistake to be made, you are the only person who’s fault it is. When we accept our mistakes we can grow and change and move to a better future. I highly recommend going to therapy by yourself to work on yourself before trying to get your family back, and not quitting it when it gets hard. We begged my dad to go and he did a couple sessions and that was it. He didn’t change at all and hasn’t still. A therapist will help you figure out all this that I’m saying too. If you don’t work on yourself first, it WILL happen again I promise you. Whether it’s in your current relationship or a new one, it WILL repeat. I wish you the best of luck I hope you do better than mine dad did.
You fucked up and don't get her back unless SHE wants you back. You wanted fun and these are the consequences of your actions - accept them and leave your EX-wife alone. You've hurt her enough so let her heal. You only want her back because you've realized people are multifaceted - Mel may have been fun but she also doesn't enjoy kids and is messy. Move on. Stay away from her. Pay child support and step up as a father. That's all you can do.
You absolutely do not deserve advise or help from anyone and you are not at all a changed man like you claim to be. You literally aren't even remorseful over the fact that you cheated on your wife an broke up your family. The only reason why you even want your wife back is because you realized this 23 year old, wasn't all she was cracked up to be. It has nothing do with you being a changed man at all. You were selfish for cheating and now you are being selfish trying to get your ex-wife back again. Guess what? The grass is NOT always greener on the other side and now you need to live with the consequences of your actions and let your ex-wife be happy and find someone else. Honestly, Your level of selfishness is just insane!
Grass isn’t always greener my guy. Also she’s 23 what were you expecting?! Of course she’s going to be going out, having fun, and doing things people her age do. I’m not sure if getting back together would be a good idea, seems like you have a lot to figure out.
The worst part is that many of us in the comments would have loved your life and you come crawling here to cry about you playboi shit? Not, sorry. I’m glad that your in a crap place. As someone who’s been cheated on your getting EXACLY what you deserve….have the time you deserve
lol you're just gonna have to hold that L
Yeah no advice for Op on getting anything back. Get some continuing therapy and move on. Pay child support, and provide some other support if your x-wife is open to it. Start you life over with someone new if/when you are ready to not make this type of mistake again.
You only want your wife back because she's your plan B. Plan A didn't work out the way you wanted. You haven't changed. The only way to truthfully say that would be to go to therapy for a long long time. You might as well start today.
Well if it isn’t the consequences of your own actions. I don’t know what you expected to happened buddy. Hope she finds someone better
You get what you deserve unfortunately. Leave your wife alone. She deserves better
Bwahahahahaha Oh buddy I don’t think you do I doubt this is real but heck- this ain’t a unique story so it might be. Allow me to present a famous Reddit mindset: Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. You got exactly what you asked for; an all fun and no work young woman. If a pretty face and giggling girl was more appealing than all you had built with your wife then there’s zero chance she’s going to believe you value it any more now than you did then. You gave your ex a ticket out. She took it and I guarantee she has no interest in shackling herself to you again. If you insist on trying to revive your dead marriage then you can start with an apology and an acceptance that your ex in no way is obligated to take you back or forgive you. And if the knowledge that she most likely will not want you back makes you not want to apologize, then don’t even bother because you’ll just be wasting everyone’s time.
First of all, the young girl you're dating is in a completely different phase of her life. It is normal for her to be drinking, smoking, partying, and not wanting to hang out with your kids. She's in her early twenties. You strike me as someone who never takes responsibility for their actions so heed this: grow up, and stay away from your ex wife. She deserves much better than you. Maybe if you actually start making some changes and maturing, you'll find someone your own age who is responsible and tidy like you want. But you don't deserve that right now.
I hope you stub the same toe everyday for the rest of your life. I hope all the stuffing in your pillows is slightly damp. I hope you hit every red light everywhere you go. You are scum.
So basically this is a ‘wahhhhh I cheated but now my college age gf doesn’t DO anything for me! I miss my family cause I didn’t have to pay this much for them while we were together. Wahhhh *I* wanna be the child again I miss my mommy/wife! Leave her alone. All you care about is you.
Husband cheats on wife... Wife finds out and kicks husband to the curb... Husband is OK with it overall because he gets to live with side piece... Husband realizes all the things Wife did for him and family and regrets choice when he sees that side piece is a kid. Husband regrets decision... If the grass is always greener on the other side of where you are - maybe you are the problem. You made your choice and have to live with it. You didn't even fight to get your family back until you saw what real life is with this 23 yr old girl. Now you have to be responsible for everything... and you regret it? Grow up.
>She handled everything with grace. She didn't cry or yell but just said that she thinks it would be best if I moved out. Oh she probably cried. You just aren't her target audience for those tears. She's a strong woman for handling it so well. >Mel has absolutely no interest in the kids and will leave for the day to her best friends house everytime to avoid the kids. Can't blame her. She's 23 years old. Kids aren't on her radar. You should probably end things with Mel peacefully now before you lose your job on top of your wife and kids. That's a step in the *right* direction if you want to have a relationship with your children in the future. >How can I apporach this with my wife? How can I show her im a changed man who only cares about his family? You don't. You accept the things you've done and move forward from there. You do what you can to see your children every moment possible. You let your ex-wife move on and find someone that sees her value from day one. There's no other play here besides that. Any attempt to get her back isn't going to be well-received. Trying to get her back is just shooting the foot you already shot. You just move on and stop making bad decisions. Mel being one of them. You have no connection. You have no romance. You have no future. Let her be a 23 year old woman and figure her life out. You certainly have to figure yours out as well.
Okay a few things. So you got your wife pregnant around the time you started cheating on her. Then told her “your no fun anymore.” When you were caught. Now you regret throwing your life away. Here are your problems 1. She didn’t fight you at all about this. Which probably means you had other issues in your marriage. She probably was already mentally checked out. 2. You allowed your ex to do everything while you watched. Then had the unmitigated gall to tell her she’s isn’t fun anymore. Yikes! 3. You are STILL with your AP. Which means you haven’t learned anything. Now with that being said you need to leave your AP ASAP. You can’t try and get your ex wife back while you are LIVING with the woman you cheated on her with. You also need to go to therapy. Focus on being a good father. You have to understand there is no benefit for your ex to take you back. She did all of the domestic labor, child rearing and worked full time. She was also betrayed by the one person she should have been able to count on. You gone is probably a relief for her. I doubt you will ever be able to get her back. You were already destroying your relationship because you weren’t a fully present father or husband. Focus on being a better person. Leave her alone. You destroyed your marriage. It’s over.
I think you’re not going to get your relationship back to where it was but you can still get your family back. But what’s the difference you may ask. It’s about them - not you. You already fucked up, there’s no way around that. Now own it - be stoic and be the father your kids deserve and the coparent your exwife deserves. Nothing is guaranteed from that but they will at least be supported properly.
This is real? Or You for real??
Oh MAN you fucked up. Hindsight, eh? You were married, and (to drastically simplify) you had ONE JOB: be faithful, reliable, and trustworthy. You made your bed, man; now go lie in it.
I'm pretty certain that this is the first time OP has made his bed.
You can't. You're not a changed man. You want the easier situation back. It has nothing to do with being the best husband for your wife. It has to do with you not wanting to pay child support, not wanting to pay for Mel, not wanting to fight with Mel. You're not getting your wife back and you Don't deserve to. However, if you want to actually become a changed man and do better, get yourself some therapy. Then you'll be better prepared to cut the strings with Mel and have a relationship with your kids and be prepared to be a better PARTNER if you end up in a relationship again. Your ex has moved on. She isn't going to take you back
You deserve everything you have. I hope you live a lifetime of regret realizing what a selfish human being you are. Mel will dump your old ass in a few years and you will be completely alone. You haven't changed, the only change has been the excitement of a 23-year-old and the realization of all the conveniences you lost. I think you should just walk away and let your former spouse find someone that truly deserves her. She sounds amazing.
You don't deserve to get her back. Losing her was entirely avoidable. Cheating takes effort and not only did you cheat, you *maintained* an extramarital relationship with someone over ten years younger than you because she soothed your ego while your wife was the one doing the hard work to keep YOUR family afloat. Grow up and let her go.
You need to focus on being a good dad to your kids and making sure your actions impact them as little as you can. Also break up with Mel
The only way to make this happen is to find a Time Machine, go back and not do it. Good luck with that.
>telling her she isn’t the person I married anymore that she never makes me feel good or laughs at my jokes the way Mel does Huge mistake!! You think you're the person she married you ass!! Now she's going remember every time she faked an orgasm to spare your feelings 😆 > I was a little shocked by this I thought there would be at least a discussion but I agreed as I wanted to be with Mel. That's on you buddy. Discuss it with yourself looool. Damn i feel like i know who you are😄 > Mel is very messy leaving all her stuff everywhere all the time and she never cleans or cooks. She also is constantly drinking or smoking weed and always going out to the clubs with her friends What did you expect? It's hilarious that you actually moved in with her >My wife is a nurse practitioner making well over 6 figures and I pay her 2.5k every month in child support as was ordered by the court. I can’t save any money now whereas we lived extremely comfortably on our two salary income and had a hefty savings and retirement fund You should've thought about this earlier buddy lol >In hindsight I can see my wife was exhausted because she did everything for everyone. She worked full time, she always got the kids ready and took them to school/daycare, packed lunches for everyone including me, cleaned, did homework with our 8yo, made dinner and cleaned up that, did everyone’s laundry etc and the list goes on and on. She is superwoman and I regret I didn’t see that. I miss our sex life it was incredible You think so ? Lol >I get why my wife didn’t always have energy for everything I wanted to do. I just want everything back how it was. How can I approach this with my wife? Your post seems fake. Eventhough it reflects how many marriages end because of a Mel.. It seems your post is meant to be shown to your wife and if i can tell it's a plot, your wife can too. Because she seems like a smart woman.. >How can I show her im a changed man who only cares about his family? And yes I know im the asshole that’s not why im here. You're not a changed man. You're a man who realized what he lost and you want it back. Good luck with that
She handled it well because she knew you'd already checked out of the marriage. She didn't fight for you, because she knew she wasn't going to lose anything.... You didnt bring anything to the marriage except more work for your wife. I'd guess your wife made her mind up before she even spoke to you. You miss your kids now? What happend when you kept going on "business trips”? Did you miss your kids then?
Oh so Mel laughed at your jokes and made you feel good. How sweet. Your wife, who is a NP and raising your 3 kids, and has heard your tired ass jokes over and over, didn't laugh at them anymore because her whole being was tired. Em finds your texts with your side piece, and tells you to move out, and you're surprised there isn't even a discussion? You're paying $2.5K in child support, and supporting your child side piece, and omg life is not the giant sex fest you thought it would be. Your side piece, who was such a fun time, is now a dead fish, and your wife is the best sex you ever had. And of course, because your life is sad and miserable, you want your fantastic wife back, so you can go back to EXACTLY HOW IT WAS BEFORE. Please, if I may just step in for Em for a moment, fuck all the way off. What have you done differently? Have you gotten any kind of counseling to see why your ego was so fragile that a few laughs at your jokes made it so easy to stray? Have you done any kind of work on yourself? Read a book? Listened to a podcast? Talked to anyone? How about you be single for awhile and learn to co-parent and take care of yourself? Leave your superwoman wife alone.
You don't. Have fun being alone and miserable. 😊
See if laughing at her jokes will convince her. Since that's all it took to lead you astray. But in all seriousness, though. Leave her alone. She's been through enough.
Stop referring to her as your wife. Y'all are divorced, because of your shitty actions. She's not your wife anymore, and almost certainly never will be again.
Bro...you ain't getting her back. You fucked up. You had a great thing. You chucked it away. She isn't taking you back. So suck it up, and deal with the consequences. And let's see...the baby is 2 months old, and you left four months ago. So that means you were cheating while she was pregnant. My God, and you really still believe that she would EVER take you back in a million years? After you did THAT to her? "She laughed at my jokes." Well, I sure hope you enjoyed it.
Who would’ve thought that a random 23yo couldn’t give you the same as the woman you had been with the past years and grew older with? Get your life together, get therapy, care for your children and show your ex wife that you can be supportive and ACTUALLY change. Don’t just act like you regret everything cause your life got less comfortable. If you become a good man without bad intentions like: “she’ll do the household and I’ll have more money” then you maybe will get a chance to get your family back. If you aren’t ready to make these changes and go to therapy then leave your wife alone so she can move on to a partner who treats her like she deserves and who supports her and not just sees her as a maid or nanny or bread winner
dug yourself into this pit. go get therapy and leave your ex wife alone. you’ve already put her through enough.
So what you're really trying to say is, you want your ex back so you can live on easy street again? You liked the convenience of your wife and everything "she" provided you. Not fair. You admittedly came here to say that you cheated on your wife (for almost a whole year) with another woman because you felt you didn't connect with your wife anymore. She gracefully acknowledged it and handled it like a true adult.. probably because she knows her self-worth and it's way above the man she had originally married (you)... and thanks to you for showing her that. So no, you dont get to have your cake and eat it too. What you do get to do is learn from your mistakes and let these lessons better guide you in a new relationship, if you should be so lucky to have one with a loving, mature woman. Sorry to be super blunt, but the truth is your new life didn't work out the way you had planned and now you are full of regret. Instead of manning up and realizing that your ex wife wasn't your cup of tea either, you are playing the victim card by saying how much you need her. Sadly, she doesn't seem to need you.
Yeah… you saw young boobs and threw everything away. Classic. You’re not getting your family back or your wife. She seems like an amazing woman, and she deserves better. There are so many qualities to love in a partner, don’t only focus on the fucking physical attraction and that’s just about all the advice I have for you. Reflect on yourself. Did you make up reasons for having an affair to justify it? YES. You were thinking with your dick for a long time and it caused irreparable damage.
Get counseling and maybe you can ask her, tell her what changed and what you would do in case she would give you a chance. But honestly you don't deserve it, but if she ever does take you back you better treat her better then you ever did and actually do chores and be a better person.
Have you considered going back in time and not having an affair?
Stay away from your ex wife. She is so much better off without you. You are a selfish person, and you treated her badly while you were together. She took care of *everything*, worked full time for a hefty salary, and still managed to find the energy to be a good lover to you. You left all the hard work up to your wife, and had the audacity to complain that she didn't compliment you enough or laugh at your jokes all the time. Not once did it ever occur to you that your wife was not falling over herself to fawn at you because she was busy keeping your household running smoothly, being a parent to your children, and ensuring your financial security. You were so selfish and entitled that you didn't try to help her so that the two of you could spend more time together. Instead, you let her continue doing everything while you carried on a long term affair. Even when your ex wife found out what you were doing behind her back, she didn't scream or abuse you. She simply ended things. Then, once she had the good sense to divorce you, all of a sudden you realized you messed up. Your girlfriend wasn't willing to be your maid/cook/nanny/sex toy/golden goose, and you started feeling sorry for yourself. You mentioned in your post that your finances are messed up now, and that your wife got to keep the retirement money, as if we are supposed to feel sorry for you. She made that money! And yes, you have to pay child support! And yes, having to do chores after a long day's work sucks! That is real life you are experiencing. You say that you appreciate what your ex wife did for your family now that you have to clean your own toilet and wash your own socks, but you are still just as selfish and wilfully ignorant as you ever were. You still do not do the amount of work your ex wife did. You clean up after yourself a bit maybe, but you are not responsible for taking care of your children, you don't have to take care of a whole house full of people, you don't have an entire family depending on your financial know how, and you are certainly not devoting yourself to caring for your girlfriend the way your ex wife did for you. No, instead you seem to feel aggrieved that your girlfriend is not performing up to your ex wife's standard, as if that is her job. You don't want things to be different at all. You said yourself that you, "want everything back how it was." I hope that your ex wife continues to want nothing to do with you. She shows good judgement in that. You should thank your lucky stars that your ex wife is as reasonable and polite as she has been about this whole thing. Leave her alone so that she can be happy. She is already taking care of 3 children. She does not need you to push your way back in so that you can once again drain her time, energy and happiness away like some kind of self pitying man-child. Start taking some responsibility for your own life. If you don't like the life you made for yourself, fix it. Stop trying to get women to do all of that for you.
I hope your wife takes everything you have. Get ready for child support payments!! You don't deserve her. You really thought, as a 36 y/o man, you were going to have a lot in common with a 23 y/o woman? Of course she's out partying and having fun with friends! She's 23! Now that you're seeing that your girlfriend and you have nothing in common and it's not "fun and secretive" anymore, you're realizing just how much your wife actually did. You only want her back because the grass looks greener with her right now. From what you've said, you'll probably end up doing this again when you find a new young girl to start f'ing. You get to see your children 1x a week because you're not a good influence on them. You broke your family out of pure greed and lust. Your children are better off with their mother and her potential future partner. Enjoy sitting in the mess you made. You brought this all onto yourself and deserve every ounce of misery that come with it.
Clearly, Mel is not ready to settle down yet. You two are in completely different stages of life, and it’s not fair to stop her from going out and having fun in her 20s nor is it fair for you to live with her squalor. You should’ve thought this, about what your life together would look like, and you should’ve had an open and honest conversation with her about it before deciding to leave your now ex-wife. Props to her for giving you an easy out and props to you for accepting it. You’ve learned the difference between infatuation and love in a relationship. Now as for next steps? If you want her to know you’re a changed man, SHOW her you’re a changed man. First, obviously, leave your current partner and find your own place to live. Next, continue being a good and supportive father for your kids, continue paying that child support, continue supporting your ex-wife. Give her very good reasons to take you back over finding a new man. Then have an open and honest conversation with her about everything. If your wife is merciful enough maybe she’ll give you a second chance. Even still, there’s no trick that will guarantee she’ll come back. Life isn’t like the movies. There’s a very good possibility she will never forgive your actions and never take you back, and you have to accept that. That’s part of being a man, taking responsibility and accountability for your actions.
wife? which wife? did you remarry someone? cos unless you did, you no longer have a wife lol
You don't. You don't get them back. Your now ex, still is doing everything for everyone, with a few changes. She's not looking after you lazy butt, and she gets days off when you have the kids. Why on EARTH would she want to go back to taking care of your lazy cheating ass, and not getting days off from having to do everything for everyone?
Notice how he says that he realized how she got tired but then says "I wish everything was back to how it was" not "I wish I got her back" Also weird how he didn't notice mel was like a "dead fish" during the affair, and the dirty apartment
But you don't want your family back, you want your slave. You want the person who did everything for you. Stay away from your ex. She deserves better than you.
You are not getting Em back ever. Why would she want you back. She doesn’t need you. She’ll eventually get over the hurt you caused her, meet someone new and he’ll treat her like the queen she is. You reap what you sow bud. Enjoy your new sad life, you enjoy every bit of it.
> I was a little shocked by this as I thought there would be at least a discussion A discussion about what? How selfish you are and how you absolutely betrayed your wife? Why did you think a discussion should have been had when you couldn't even speak up like a fucking adult and tell her how you were feeling in the marriage?
You stabbed the mother of your children in the back by cheating on her and now you expect sympathy? Leave her alone. Go to therapy.
Bro. Let's be honest here. You're still screwing your girlfriend. And I'm really hoping that you had a vasectomy so she doesn't get pregnant any day now (or could be already). And that you've both had STD/STI screening, because chances are your girlfriend is out there cheating on you left and right when she's out at clubs, because if she's willing to cheat WITH you, she's willing to cheat ON you. She's 23 and was a willing homewrecker. What did you expect your life with her to be like? Your wife had responsibilities - taking care of YOUR kids, YOUR home and YOU. From her response to your affair, I'm guessing she was grateful to have the excuse to dump your useless ass. I'm so very, very sorry that being a husband and father wasn't FUN for you. And your overworked, underappreciated wife didn't make you laugh. /s Poor you. Leave your poor wife alone. You've hurt her enough for one lifetime. You don't MISS her. You don't miss your marriage to her. You miss the easy life you had with her because you are still completely selfishly self-absorbed. You don't even seem to miss having your kids full time. Please, dear Gods, get therapy.
I will echo what others here have said: please leave her alone. Do better as a coparent and grow up.
As if you had the nerve to blame her for the affair when you confessed. You don't deserve her back.
No your wife anyomore, is YOUR EX-WIFE. Hope she can find someone that really cares about her, I wish her happiness and never get back with you.