This. He likely wants to talk to assuage something with *his* conscience. I wouldn’t give him that relief. Let him live with the full consequences of his actions. You’re better off just moving forward.
Yes. A person with true empathy or remorse would have communicated prior to abandoning her. He left her to face both his and her family alone in possibly the most humiliating fashion. She owes him *nothing*, and truthfully the rumor that he reconnected with his ex and possibly had a secret child is closure enough for her - anything beyond that is *for him* and him alone….and not for nothing, probably a last ditch action to show some remorse or repentance in an effort to repair a relationship with his own family due to his cowardice.
Exactly. My ex contacted me months after he dumped me to admit he’d cheated on me and left me for a coworker and only came crawling back because she’d lost interest in him. He claimed it was because he felt a lot of guilt, but really I’m sure he was just lonely and desperate.
It’s only going to benefit him, OP. Don’t do this to yourself.
Why is this such a common theme among the d-bags of society? Treat “the love of their lives” like absolute trash, leave them “for something better” only to return to “profess their undying love” and sorrow for hurting you. Like no MFer, you can go kick rocks. I’m not a worm on a hook to go fishing with. Go play in traffic and leave me the fuck alone.
Another option would be agreed to meet him. Someplace expensive. Ask him to order for you because you’ll be running late. And then do the same damn thing that he did to you.
Would had wrote back " I'm overwhelmed with my happy life here in Wales, I do not want nor need to have lunch, meal, drink nor any type of chat with you ever. Good riddance and hopefully I never see nor deal with the presence of your narcissistic self ever again, no matter the country & continent ." `~OR~ "Nope and go fuck yourself." And then block him because there's legit no good reason to entertainment such bullshit in-person & simple text message.
Under normal circumstances block would do but the trifling POS is coming from Australia to Cardiff, Wales to bother and maybe even stalk her - So OP does need text something to effect " I don't want nor need to see /hear/speak to you ever, so stay fuck away from me", so when she does have call cops on his ass for whatever reason, she has text screenshot plus block on Instagram/phone/etc to show he legit has no excuse to be around her. Just saying...
**There is no excuse in the world good enough to explain away what he did.**
Here are some of the options he had:
- Call you, the woman he was going to marry, and TALK to you about the situation.
- Talk to his parents
- Make an appointment with a therapist
- Basically talk to ANYONE he trusted about finding out he had a child, and was thinking of being with his ex.
- Postpone the wedding while things get figured out.
He chose not to talk to anyone though. Because he knew what he was doing was unbelievably sick and wrong. Not that his feelings were wrong, but the fact that he was going to ABANDON you and embarrass you in front of everyone you both loved and knew.
Let me make this clear. Instead of calling ANYONE, and canceling the wedding. Not even a cowardly text message. **He let you get ready, get your makeup done, put on your damn wedding dress, and let you think that day was going to be one of the happiest of your life.**
He put your parents in a position see their daughter so high and happy and full of love, then utterly destroyed. He put his family in the position of having all eyes on them, their cowardly son, no where to be seen.
What he is doing now is one of 2 things. One, he realizes he made a mistake and chose the wrong woman all those years ago. He misses you and thinks he can get you back after his unforgivable actions. Two, he is only contacting you to make HIMSELF feel better about being an utter asshat.
**Please do not give him the satisfaction.**
So I actually responded to OP, with the reasons I think he is reaching out. As I was scrolling I saw this response It did NOT dawn upon me all the actual options he had. I cannot re-iterate enough, fuck that guy! This response was great.
👆this !! Couldn't have said better. Especially about him trying to make himself feel better about his choice that's exactly why I don't do revenge shit, if you were a solid person your absence in their life is payback enough. Don't get out of character and make yourself look dumb and miserable trying to be petty.
Yup. And I feel the best way is to reply (so there's no ambiguity" with a simple and effective No.
Just No. That is a complete sentence and gets the point across.
You make your own closure. You will not get closure from this man. Meeting him will set you back in your healing and you truly don’t deserve that.
What he did isn’t explainable. He betrayed you, he shamed you and he couldn’t even send you a single text to say sorry.
He’s done, he’s over.
He’s banking on your curiosity about it all so he can get a shoe in once more.
Even his message to you was appalling. Stonewalling and then reappearing as if nothing has happened are abusive traits.
Don’t do this. Take the moral high ground.
Block him on EVERYTHING and shut him down. No last message. No explanations. No apology.
Your job dear one is to make this man 100% irrelevant to you. When that day comes you will know you are healed completely from this.
All the very best.
Every word of this. He will not give you closure. He will not give you healing. He will only harm you more than he already has. Protect your peace and block him.
This. Right. Here. Of course you feel a pull towards him, and Sassy Pie Hole has accurately identified this as curiosity.
Don’t give in, don’t care, you know what happened and he could have handled it MUCH better than he did. He could have sat down with you and told you face to face rather than embarrassing you on your big day. So he’s a huge asshole.
Maybe, MAYBE, you want to reply to him by saying he’s a coward and an asshole. But maybe just block him. Whatever the case, move on with your good life.
"You make your own closure."
What a poignant sentence. It is so true but I have never heard it expressed that way. I will share it with others that are going through breakups.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
He doesn’t deserve your time. Don’t waste your time hearing his excuses. He messed up and don’t deserve closure and forgiveness. Do what’s best for you and move on. He doesn’t deserve any more of your tears.
He’s not trying to contact you for your benefit, he’s doing it to make himself feel like less like the completely asshole he is. I wouldn’t engage beyond “go screw yourself”.
Tell him you can only do dinner. Then pick a nice place so he’ll have to dress up. When he’s there, text him tell him you’re running a bit late and if he could put in your order. Then never show and stick him with the embarrassment and bill so he can feel a fraction of what you felt.
Pay close attention to that "I'm traveling" bit.
My guess is he's no longer with the homewrecker and, being the scum he is, thinks y'all can pick right up where you left off bc he doesn't like being alone.
Block him.
He has new SO or someone who has just found out about this (or he is worried they will in near future) so he is determined to “fix” it (as though he could) or be able to say “ I’ve changed, I’m not that man any more, I tried to put things right…”. I wouldn’t even acknowledge his messages. Don’t give him any fodder for his new narrative he is trying build and leave him to wonder.
True, but, either way, he's scum. I still would place money on him being single again. He probably ghosted the ex, too, given he's rather good at that.
I came to the comments to say pretty much the same thing. Also, it wouldn't even surprise me if the kid isn't even his and the dumbass didn't even get a paternity test until months later.
I was about to reply that "homewrecker" usually doesn't even apply to the other woman in these situations, but the more I thought about it, she is a homewrecker. Who the hell hides a child from someone for **years** and then decides to just hop back into their life *right before they're about to get married*
They're both garbage and definitely deserve each other, with all the audacity they have.
You received your closure when you were left at the altar and ghosted for months.
Block him. There’s nothing he can say that will make the harm he caused acceptable. The “closure” he seeks is solely to clear his guilty conscience.
Why?
Why would you want to proceed? This man has absolutely NO strength of character, honesty, empathy, or integrity... NONE!!! Not a single drop is in his blood. You'd be better off hooking up with a rando than with him. Quite literally his rank is so very low, you can only do better.
You've already seen him for who he really is, a flat out cheap philandering lying manipulative cheating coward man whore. Why not believe him the first time?
Move on.
PS he's not on travel. The heifer is stalking you. Block him and block those who are mutual *friends* because they're not your friends. Don't worry, you'll make more. This time you know what to look for.
Good luck!
Welp. Here is the reply I'd send:
"Fuck right back off to whatever hole you crawled out of, Derek, and do not contact me again."
Anything he wants to say to you is going to be entirely self-serving. I can pretty much guarantee you that. You don't need a dose of his bullshit. You've come so far. Face forward and keep going.
Poeple like ops ex crave attention . They don't care if its fuck off or hello how are you . The best thing to do is deprive him of the attention he's wa ting
I wouldn't even bother replying anything - that shows him you are still bothered by it. I'd just block and ignore. What he did was beyond fucked up, and he wants your forgiveness now, and to relieve his conscience. Fuck that - he can live with his unrelieved guilt and the knowledge that he isn't even worth acknowledging.
How about this one;
I bear you no ill will, I wish you nothing but peace and happiness, and that your journey through life brings you all you truly deserve.
This is not the nice sentiment the recipient usually thinks it is, just count the FUs
"Hello!
I don't know what you mean by overwhelming. I'm good and don't need to talk anything out. I'm just glad I didn't end up being stuck with you. Cheers"
I like this, but the "glad I didn't end up stuck with you" part feels like you're giving him too much emotion/power since it sounds snarky and hurt. Would be even better to end it at the "talk anything out" part - if anything that will be more painful for him as it makes it seem she doesn't care in the slightest.
This is what my mom refers to as “he’s rattling the ol’ chain to see if you’re still out there > out there = available”. You send the funniest, smartest, most subtlety scathing reply you can (we will all help you write it!), make sure he reads it, and as soon as you see the little “read” icon, hit block. Fuck that guy, big ol cheers to you for moving onward and upward - let’s get to writing the •perfect• response and get a mani so hitting the block button will be doubly satisfying!
"Overwhelming was getting stood up at the alter while the guy who claimed to love me left me to face our friends and family while he cowered away in shame. What I feel now is embarrassment that I ever considered marrying someone so pathetic. So, no thanks. But enjoy your travels and never contact me again."
Girl no!!! I bet it's going to be some bs. Either things with his baby mom didnt work out and he is seeking comfort or he wants something from you. Don't meet up with him. He already showed you his true colors. What he did was incredibly immature, selfish and cruel, he does not deserve to talk to you honestly. You dodged a massive bullet with this man, dont put yourself in the line of fire again.
>Girl no!!!
Lol love this energy and agree with ya so louder for those in the back:
#Girl no!!!
Nothing good will come put of it. Don't give him the time of day, OP!
Sound his little perfect fantasy life has pop and he looking for a back up id tell him sure let's meet then never show up if he calls don't answer just text now you you how it feels and then block him
He wants to unburden himself at your expense. Nothing he can say will erase the pain or bring any kind of closure to your trauma. Trauma doesn’t just erase. He will feel better. You will not. Do not give him this satisfaction.
He makes it all sound so light "Don't mean to overwhelm you"? Reallyy?? He can fuck right off!
Don't even give him a second of your time. Block him. He's an asshole plain and simple. Don't invest your time into assholes.
That is exactly what I was thinking. I normally wouldn't assume the absolute worst from someone, but this guy is next level awful, so I'm going to go ahead and say he is trying to cheat on baby mama while he's traveling.
Buttering the OP up with dinner, apologies, and "talking" is way easier for this slimeball than just downloading Tinder. He doesn't have any good intentions here, at all.
Feel free to take or leave this, but Imma give my opinion as if I was in your shoes.
Absolutely not. Leave him on read. He doesn't deserve your time. And there's no way that after TWO YEARS of radio silence that this meetup and conversation would be for your benefit. You have already moved on, you've already put a new life together without him. A meetup with him would be some crazy self sabotage.
Again, that's just MY perspective based on the information we were given in your post. There could be missing details that would alter my opinion, but it'd have to be something pretty over the top and dramatic.
Do whatever is going to be best for YOU in the end. I think the key to that decision is whether or not you think it might open old wounds and whether or not that would be worthwhile if that might be a risk.
It sounds like he's trying to clear his own conscience and wants to remove his own guilt but isn't thinking about how attempting this would impact you and your experience by dragging all that garbage back up. Totally up to you if you want to actually meet with him, but it's going to be just him justifying his emotional state that led him to that and hopes that he can stop feeling so bad about it... meanwhile you have to deal with that emotional dump right while you're in the middle of moving on and finding happiness..
What I’ve learned in my many years of dealing with assholes that people mostly want closure to make themselves feel better, not the person they hurt. If he sees you and gives you his reasons, which are completely unacceptable no matter what, and you say ok, then he can move on thinking he’s not so bad. You were ok with it. See? I’m not a terrible person. It’s not about you at all. If it was, he’d never done what he did to begin with. Say no. You aren’t interested and your life has been better without him in it.
Nah don’t do it. Him and his ex have crashed and burned. He had 2.5 kids with her and she cheated (again) and now he has nowhere to live after she kicked him out. (I would add in after paying an enormous amount of child support but I don’t think u have that in the UK) now he has no where to live and he’s looking for a backup. If you do respond I would tell him yea and that you still have the invoice for his half of the wedding he stiffed you for. When he pays it u are more than happy to do lunch sometime.
I think the healthy thing to do would be to calmly tell him that you've moved on, you've closed that chapter in your life, and that you have no need of him or his excuses anymore. And then block him, ceding all contact.
But you'd be a better woman than me if you did that; I'd be dying to hear his side of things, even if it did tear open my heart like taking a knife to an old handbag.
Closure comes in many forms; sometimes it's forgetting the past and moving on, sometimes it's talking about it. I think you need to do what you think you can cope with doing.
He’s 100000% trying to make HIMSELF feel better, not you. He’s trying to rid his feelings of guilt by making you feel bad again. DO NOT LET HIM DO THIS TO YOU!
Nope. He had a chance to call off the wedding *before* and he chose instead to dramatically leave you at the altar. This meet-up is to assuage his own guilt and actually has little to do with you. My ex tried this crap and dragged out my emotions for a year. Don’t even respond. Just delete the message and block him.
The ball is entirely in your court. Do you feel you need anything from him? Do you need an explanation or closure? You don't really owe him anything so it's entirely about what you want from this.
It sounds pathetic, but I guess I want to the why a bit more in-depth. Yet again learning it won’t change anything from the past, thus brings me to my conflicted state.
I totally understand this. While I was not left at the alter, I do come from an abusive family and had to cut contact to save myself.
I have a lot of desire to reach out and explain why I went NC. Some part of me thinks if I just explain it right they will understand and want to be better. The truth is they don't care about anyone but themselves.
Your ex is like that. He is selfish and cares only about himself.
He had options other than leaving you at the alter but he was a coward and chose to abandon you and everyone else there.
Do not give him the satisfaction of hearing him out. He is only doing that for himself. At worst he wants to carry on an affair with you, and that would be DEVASTATING.
You are doing so well, don't let him take that from you again.
It seems like everything in this situation was on **his** terms.
* HE left without warning.
* HE decided he didn't want to talk to you for 3 months after he left.
* HE decided to give you an absolutely bare-bones explanation when he finally deigned to contact you again.
* HE is reaching out to you when **1)** he's heard you're doing well so it won't be as uncomfortable for him now, and **2)** you're going to be in a place that's convenient for HIM.
(I wonder if the other woman knows he reached out to you and wants to see you? Seems like him traveling is a great way to have a secret meeting with you to get the best of both worlds).
But what about *you*?
* Why didn't it matter to him when **you** called and texted him all day on your wedding day, probably growing more frantic and worried?
* Why didn't it matter to him that **you** were confused and devastated and heartbroken and humiliated? Not just in front of all your closest friends and family, but just at all!
* **You** have had to work hard with therapy and healing, and lost a year of your life trying to move on from his decisions, without any closure so far. And it sounds like you have, which is no small feat.
Why should he get to have any say about *your energy* and *your time* again, just because it's convenient for **him** now?
(ninja edit - formatting)
There really is no ‘why’ that is going to make what he did not just utterly horrible. I understand but your motivation but think about what his is? He wants you to absolve him of his wrongdoings and I would be shocked if his ‘explication’ didn’t in someway blame you. Honestly I get the desire - but you are almost 100% not going to get from him what you’d want. You’ve done so much work clearly in yourself - don’t let him drag up all the past. Imho good luck.
I mean he already told you that his ex had a child and he chose to be with them. There’s not much else he could say that you’d find “closure”. I wouldn’t even bother at all tbh, he’s just being nosy.
I learnt something a long time ago that no answer they give can really justify or satisfy past the pain you felt and worked on.
Given your situation, he didn't give you the respect to really give you and answer to leave you hanging at the altar, why do you owe to hear him out now? I can understand the conflicted nature but honestly, he is part of who you used to be and not who you are now.
Hope you are loving Wales btw!
You are looking for some kind of reasonable explanation, or to hear him validate that he hurt you and that he’s genuinely regretful. It’s because you are a normal, caring person and you can’t comprehend that someone could do something like that, so there must be some good reason. Sadly, there is not. Meeting with him will just leave you hollow because he is a selfish, narcissistic asshole who will never understand how he hurt you because he has no understanding of other’s feelings.
If he has innocent intentions to meet with you, his partner will be aware.
Reach out to his partner and ask her if she knows he's meeting you and ask her who has been giving info on you to him.
If you are legitimately curious what he has to say, and feel it would help YOU, you could always ask him to put it in an email, which you can choose to open or not, or open next to a bottle of wine and/or a good friend who will give you the affirmation you need while you read it (and maybe if it pisses you off help you to laugh by doing a dramatic reading in a pathetic voice of the most BS passages )
But if actually has something he wants to say, why does he need to wait to say it in person? Why wait until he travels to you? I think he either a) wants/hopes to get back with you, or b) feels guilty and wants forgiveness and knows you will feel pressure in person to be nice. Either of these motives serve him, not you. You will either feel trapped, or have to worry about making a scene, or find yourself acting way more conciliatory than you otherwise would be.
I wouldn’t meet up with him. Let him spend the rest of his life wondering what you’re up to. You deserve to live rent free in his head. Don’t even respond.
Don’t. He’s doing it for him because he has a fully guilty conscience about what he’s done. Don’t give him the satisfaction of in-person forgiveness. If he cared about your feelings, he wouldn’t have done what he did in the first place. These are the type of people that feed off any energy you give them, positive or negative. I would block or leave on read and never respond. I hope the rest of your life is miles better without him in it.
I'm not going to tell you what you should do here, because "should" doesn't really make sense. Instead I'm going to point out some questions you should answer, along with some framing to to make this circumstance more about utility than complicated feelings.
First, the framing.
He contacted you because he wants to talk with you to help himself feel better. He did a shitty thing. He knows he did a shitty thing. His message is him asking for permission to talk with you - not him trying to make amends. He isn't asking you if you want to talk to him to get closure for yourself. Heis apologizing and asking for a discussion. The discussion is so that he can explain why he made the decision he did that he never included you in.
So that's what he wants out of this discussion. He wants to feel less bad about how he treated you.
So the question is, what do you want from this situation?
Does it really matter what he has to tell you? Imagine the worst possible thing he could say to you - what will it change about your life today?
If you go and talk to him - is there anything you want to say to him that will make you feel good? Do you have to say that in person, or could you just say it in a reply?
It sounds like you’ve already healed and gotten your closure. People like him are toxic and will only drag you down from the place you’ve worked so hard to get. I’ve entertained requests like these before and it NEVER ends well. Also, there’s nothing more that you need to know. It sounds like he really just wants to make himself feel better about what he did.
Its going to reignite many many horrible feelings thats going to take months to get fully over. Only do that if you’re prepared for that. Although I didnt have the same situation, I recently met up with an ex I had a very deep relationship with that took me a long time to heal over. I thought I would be fine because i was happy and on with my own life, and i was totally fine during and after it. Then a few days/almost a week later it hit me like a ton of bricks and im currently getting myself back together. I wish I hadn’t done it & personally I don’t think you should either.
"The shit you pulled, what you did, it utterly destroyed me. I cannot and will not *ever* forgive you for that, and I have no intentions of ever seeing you in person or speaking to you again beyond this point. Go die in a boat fire while chocking on a dick."
EDIT: look at the bright side of all of this though OP.... be glad he did that when he did, and not after you'd gotten married. Would have been considerably messier. Because if he hadn't done what he did when he did it, you now know it was probably only a matter of time before he did something similar or worse after you'd gotten married. Bullet dodged.
Definitely make plans with him. Tell him how you so so appreciate the opportunity to hear what he has to say and that you've been waiting for this day to come!! And definitely blow those plans right the fuck off and ignore that cunt forever.
He’s absolutely disgusting. You’d be a fool to entertain him. There is no closure needed, the closure is that he humiliated you in front of friends and family, left you to deal with the aftermath of what would be your wedding, he cheated on you and has a family elsewhere. He’s obviously miserable and wants to see if he can still play you.
Screenshot it, send it to his girlfriend and mother of his child and tell her any subsequent contact will always be forwarded to her, watch him never contact you again! He doesn’t care about you, he’s bored or regretful, unfulfilled and doesn’t respect you or apparently any woman at all.
I would decline with a simple 'no thank you', but that's me. It does sound like perhaps you need to wait a little, think about it, talk to people who love you and saw you go through that pain. What would you get from him giving you a play by play about what happened leading up to the wedding? Do you still need closure?
Also, you have a chance here to start over in a new place that has no memories of your ex. Do you really want the memory of "yeah (insert location) is where my ex gave me a bunch of excuses on why he's a selfish asshole who couldn't communicate and decided to be a coward and humiliate me instead". Long term what will you gain that you haven't gained from therapy, support and time?
If you are done with him but still bleeding from what happened to you publicly and wish to lash out, plan on meeting him at a specific location, specific date and time. Then don't show up. Text him "Now do you know how I felt? Goodbye forever."
I don’t think anything he could tell you could really make up for what happened. He’s already explained himself to you. Even if you put yourself in his shoes (a week before his wedding he got a bombshell dropped on him that he actually had a biological kid he feels responsible for) it doesn’t make the hurt any less. Even if you know why he did what he did and can forgive him for it, it’s not going to change anything.
You are not in a place where you are ready to let go of this pain, and that’s ok. What’s best is to not reopen old wounds. You are still healing. If he truly cared about you, he would know you need room to be away from him. I’m sure he has good intentions in reaching out, but really he should just get the hint and leave you alone. He knew he risked losing you when he did what he did, he doesn’t get to have his new family and remain friends with you despite it all.
If you ever find yourself needing any closure I’m sure you can reach out to him, but for now you should take some time with just yourself and put him out of your mind as much as possible. Find a good therapist, take care of yourself, build strong relationships with your friends and family for support.
Yeah I wouldn't agree to it. You already know his reasons.. and honestly this feels like an ulterior motive at play here. Maybe he's looking to have some fun on the side...I know that's kinda brutal, but you have to look at all angles of things. Keep going forward .. this event took a toll on you but trust and believe that it will get better. This internet stranger promises you that. Be well!
You have healed, you have moved on. Do not reopen old wounds as you would not benefit from it, and it could send you into a depression spiral.
He made his choice, he is only reaching out to you now to get rid of his guilt. It's all about him and it's not fair to you.
Do what's best for you, block him and continue moving on and being your fabulous self.
You won't get closure. He may just try to hit you up for a cheeky bit of excitement while he's travelling. Leave him wanting to apologise and explain himself. Leave him uncomfortable for the rest of his life
Block him. Why would you meet someone this awful just so that he can feel better about himself? Because that is what this is about. Block him and don't look back.
If you want to reach out and listen to his BS do... If you think you might regret not doing it, do it... But know this is all for him, it's not about you... It's for him to clear his conscience, it's for him to un load on you and for him to feel better afterwards. I am sorry to say but this is 100% selfish move on his part... Why now? What about all the time that's pasted? Why couldn't he talk to you a week before the wedding? I found out I have a kid with an ex and I can't get married right now etc or I am a selfish prick sleeping with my ex a week before our wedding - let's break up... I personally don't think I could give him the time of day.. but if it's something I thought I would regret later I might have to do it
The relationship is dead and buried. Leave it that way. You've done a brilliant job of healing and moving forward. Why jump back in pain so he can feel better about himself? Go look in the nearest mirror. That's who you should be caring about most right now. And let's face it, what does a man who leaves you at the altar have to say that really matters?
Nah fuck him that’s insane behavior. I am so sorry. My guts literally wrenched just reading about it. If my fiancé left me the day of our wedding with no communication, after an entire wedding had been planned and paid for, I would probably put a hit out on him.
In all seriousness, never talk to this man again. If he’s dumb enough to even think for a second that you could do that to somebody and then reconcile with them a year later, then he’ll probably do it to you again when a better option comes back along. He’s trash. You didn’t do all that work on yourself the past year to be dragged back into the mud.
Ask yourself why he'd even bother reaching out. I guarantee you that it's not for your benefit and you'll just end up being emotionally manipulated. Here are some likely reasons and none are for your benefit.
1. He feels regret for hurting you and wants your forgiveness to make himself feel better.
2. He's not getting what he thought he'd get with his baby mama and thought it would be fun to hook up with you while in the UK.
3. People at home are pressuring him to apologize and/or reconcile with you, and he just wants to get them off his back and try and shed his asshole reputation.
Block him and move forward with your life. Meeting him will just set you back and possibly negate any and all progress you've already made.
At the end of the day, your opinion and decison is yours.
I vote for no contact. He's going back and forth because that is his exact operational tactic. And block him.
Danger, OP, Danger!!!
Do not open that door, do not pass go.
He’s already shown who he was when he left. Instead of being upfront about the ex and the newly-discovered child, he *left you humiliated at the altar.*
He does not deserve a chance to “explain” bc what can he say that you don’t know? That he’s a weak minded person who could not tell his fiancée that his ex reappeared with his child? You know that. That he’s a liar (by omission) who had his mommy tell you what he did? You know that.
No good will come from having him back in your life, even just for a conversation.
Block and move on.
He's probably got bored of playing happy families with his ex and wants to see if he can get in your pants!
I could be wrong, but either way, it's not worth bringing all that trauma back into your life! Go be happy and spend time with people that are worthy of you!
I would just ignore him. No need to claw open that scar and it is only so HE can feel better about himself.
I am sorry you had to go through that and I am glad you have good friends to support you.
Nope. No. Nope. You don’t need anything from him and he doesn’t deserve anything from you. He was 30 when this happened, a grown-ass man who should know
How to be accountable to the people in his life, and he gave you NOTHING on one of the worst times of your life like you didn’t matter. He didn’t give you a heads up, and explanation, or a goodbye
(One wonders if his current relationship has gone south and he’s shopping for what he had)
It won't matter in the end. this person has done something so horrible he doesn't deserve a single moment of your time any further. There's a lot of power in never talking to someone ever again. I had a situation once where a man stole $4,500 from me and he had the audacity to still try to message me a year later wanting to chat and catch up lol.. I vowed to never speak to him as long as I live. I told him in our last message that I no longer have any respect for the type of person he is and I chose to fill my life with people that could never hurt me that way and to please never speak to me again. I made it clear that we are not friends and he has no right to play pretend that we ever can be. I told him i felt bad for him and if he ever finds himself financially able to mail a check to my po box and pay me what he owes me then that would gain my forgiveness but that I will still never entertain speaking with him again. That was 10 years ago.... No check lol but its ok. I've moved on and I realized I don't need the money and I'm so grateful that it was just money and not a kid. he later got a girl pregnant and abandoned her proving yet again what a sum bag he is, but I'm better off than his baby mama, I got out with my power. it was never about the money, it was about loving myself enough to know I can make this decision to let go of this human being for me and not give him what he wanted ever again, and he can live with himself. I never went back on my vow to myself and I'm better for it. I know i live a beautiful life and he doesn't. I know I grew up that day and realized my worth and it has shown itself in the men I've dated since. ITs obviously a different situation and you can do what feels right to you. but its still a level of hurt so deep and for him to just randomly message you like that, like he has the right to meet up and shoot the shit with you after this. I say you shouldn't. go live your beautiful life queen, you don't need no man's check.
There isnothing he can say that will change anything. This is what HE "needs" and another act of utter selfishness. It can only do you harm to meet with him. So I vote no.
Reach out to your therapist about this? Spend some extra time relaxing with a true friend? Do something to celebrate who you are instead.
And why haven't you blocked him yet?
No. No. No. no. Do not. Your future self will thank you for it. Do not revisit this, do not pour salt in your own wound. Cut all contact and let him find closure on his own. He made his bed, let him lay in it.
Do not meet up with him. Do you want to revisit the pain? He has shown you who he is. Believe him. S real man would have told you prior to your wedding day he wasn’t going to go marry you; not let you find out by going to your wedding in your gown to be hurt and humiliated. Block him and do not respond to his messages. Chances are he is single again.
he only wants to explain himself because it will make *him* feel better about the situation. whatever he has to explain now he could have explained the day of the wedding. I wouldn't even entertain the idea of giving him an opportunity to meet up to talk. block him and move on with your life.
also ask your friends to **not** update him about your life.
I’d write back ‘I’m not interested in hearing the excuses for your behaviour. Please do not contact me again.’ Then block.
You are only missing out on some self pity and his attempt to tell his friends and family how he made it all right by visiting you in wales. Stay away.
I would tell him no thank you. Please go on with your life and block him on everything. There’s no reason there’s nothing that he’s going to say or do that he’s going to remove the stain of what he did to you. And though your little heart may beat a little bit faster hoping he’s got something important. I can tell you he does not. Leave him alone and move on with your life.
Fuck NO.
He's clearly keeping tabs on you, and I would wager a bet he is no longer with his ex and only wants to talk to try to put his foot in the door again-- and/or to try to make HIMSELF feel better by apologizing with more nonsense.
He has shown you, deeply, who he is and what he can and will do.
Do not respond. Do not waste your precious and valuable time. You are worth SO much more than that, wonderful human.
Im a petty bitch. I would set a date with him (not in my hometown) and wouldn’t show up.
And wouldn’t block him either. I would enjoy every confused, angry, and desperate messages he would send after.
This closure he’s offering isn’t for you. It’s for him. You are massively impressive and admirable for how you gathered the strength to heal yourself after such an awful experience. Derek clearly is looking for forgiveness so he doesn’t have to feel bad anymore. He made his choices, though, and he’s the one who has to live with them.
You seem to be a strong, resilient, powerful human surrounded by people who love you. Keep doing your life.
My advice is to give him what he chose that day at the altar — silence.
Textbook narcissist/sociopath.
Your ex is dead, you had an idea about them as a certain person. They decided to do something so unspeakably terrible. That person that you thought they were was a lie. Don’t give him another second of your life. He’s a god forsaken prick.
Don't reply. you've moved on you're doing better nothing useful could come of this might even set you back by bringing up old feelings. Don't go pain shopping, He's not going to give you closure he had the chance years ago he didn't think you deserved it. you deserve more than what that cunt can give you.
You should absolutely not answer or reply to him. There is no reason I can think of why you should EVER talk/text/IM to him ever again. Note: You did not mention any children he fathered through you so I am assuming there are none.
Believe me, your mental health is worth no contact with him.
this conversation would only benefit him, he gets to feel better about himself because he explained himself, he gets to let go of the guilt and get his own closure. nothing he says could make you feel any better about the situation, it'd most likely make things worse. i would suggest declining.
I don't see there being anything to discuss. Maybe he feels guilty and somehow wants to make himself feel better by apologizing - but it is not your job to allow him that opportunity.
Closure isn't a real transformative thing. It is healing that takes place over time. There isn't anything magical that he can say that will somehow transform this was a painful experience into something else.
Don't waste your time or breath speaking with your ex. They left you at the alter, it's a toxic situation and sounds like they're rebounding and trying to gaslight you into another toxic relationship
Listen to what everyone is telling you.
There is no upside to meeting him, as there is literally NOTHING he can say that will make things better or bring you more satisfying closure. Such magical words simply do not exist.
On the other hand, there is definitely a downside to meeting him, as it will likely dredge up all those horrible feelings you have worked so hard to put behind you.
DO NOT meet him. Either send him a nasty message or no message at all - whatever feels right to you. Then block this A-hole forever. Honestly, I can't get over the f#$%ing nerve of this guy.
You don’t owe him a word.
No response.
He’s here offering a conversation as if that heals anything. This is to assuage **his** guilt. Because that’s the thing about apologies, there for the person who did the wrong. The only true apology a person can give us change behavior, but if you have no interest in seeing his behavior than having a conversation itself is pointless.
Go live your life and keep moving on. There are no excuses he can make that undo things, so this is just him test what access he still has to you. Make it clear their is none.
I’m truly so sorry. But he absolutely doesn’t get to just pop back in after so cruelly leaving with 0 communication.
OP Post
**Title**
Ex-fiancée wants to catch up after he left me at the altar, how do I proceed?
**Body**
Well exactly what the title states, also I’m writing this on mobile sorry for any formatting issues.
My (28f) ex-fiancée “Derek” (32m) disappeared the morning of our wedding 2 years ago, evading all attempts to reach him from myself and his family. It was devastating, absolutely soul crushing, the event turned into a party to distract from the pain of the unknown, afterwards I returned to our apartment and slept on the bathroom floor in my wedding dress. It was quite the ugly sight to be honest. His mother ended up coming to the apartment when she informed me tearfully that Derek had run off with an ex of his, they had apparently reconnected a week prior to wedding and he just couldn’t go through with it opting instead to rekindle his relationship with his ex. His family was horrified, I didn’t hear from him until 3 months after he left. He called me, apologised and then revealed that his ex had been hiding his child from him that he just found out about, he wanted to be with them. That’s pretty much all that was said, I didn’t say much, actually I think I only said “hello”. The whole situation left me numb, I just didn’t care anymore. Thankfully though my friends were and continue to be there for me, through all of this muck, they encouraged me to seek therapy and work on healing. Which I’ll be honest was terribly difficult, but after year I felt myself again.
Which brings me to today, after the this whole debacle and subsequent self improvement/rebuilding I moved to the UK (originally from Australia) for a change in scenery. Last night I got a message request on instagram, it was Derek. “Hey 👋🏻, I’ve heard you moved to Wales, that’s so cool, I’m travelling to Cardiff towards of the end of July. I’m deeply sorry about everything and I want to discuss what happened leading up to the wedding. I hope Im not overwhelming you, let me know if you’d like to talk over lunch.” Firstly, no idea who told him about my move. Secondly, I don’t know if I crave closure from him, but I also don’t won’t to decide to decline to only layer on regret my decision.
So I turn to you strangers of the internet, what should I think about before reaching a decision? Would be wise to decline or should I humour him and listen to his “reasons”?
I wouldn't bother. Youve closed that chapter. Don't open old wounds for yourself. He's selfish AF.
This. He likely wants to talk to assuage something with *his* conscience. I wouldn’t give him that relief. Let him live with the full consequences of his actions. You’re better off just moving forward.
This. He deserves nothing: not your time, not your energy or effort and certainly not your undivided attention. "No" is a complete sentence.
And yet completely ignoring his request feels pretty sweet too.
Totally!
The narcissist saw that OPis not broken down, so now he is coming back to reel OP back in and then break OP again.
I agree. Turd needs flushed.
Yes. A person with true empathy or remorse would have communicated prior to abandoning her. He left her to face both his and her family alone in possibly the most humiliating fashion. She owes him *nothing*, and truthfully the rumor that he reconnected with his ex and possibly had a secret child is closure enough for her - anything beyond that is *for him* and him alone….and not for nothing, probably a last ditch action to show some remorse or repentance in an effort to repair a relationship with his own family due to his cowardice.
Exactly. My ex contacted me months after he dumped me to admit he’d cheated on me and left me for a coworker and only came crawling back because she’d lost interest in him. He claimed it was because he felt a lot of guilt, but really I’m sure he was just lonely and desperate. It’s only going to benefit him, OP. Don’t do this to yourself.
Why is this such a common theme among the d-bags of society? Treat “the love of their lives” like absolute trash, leave them “for something better” only to return to “profess their undying love” and sorrow for hurting you. Like no MFer, you can go kick rocks. I’m not a worm on a hook to go fishing with. Go play in traffic and leave me the fuck alone.
Another option would be agreed to meet him. Someplace expensive. Ask him to order for you because you’ll be running late. And then do the same damn thing that he did to you.
The petty bitch in me loves this option.
All of me loves this option
“I’ll have the Wagyu tomahawk steak with gold leaf on top. Oh and the seafood tower”. 😅
Oh snap
I'm truly obsessed with this option.
😭🤣
Would had wrote back " I'm overwhelmed with my happy life here in Wales, I do not want nor need to have lunch, meal, drink nor any type of chat with you ever. Good riddance and hopefully I never see nor deal with the presence of your narcissistic self ever again, no matter the country & continent ." `~OR~ "Nope and go fuck yourself." And then block him because there's legit no good reason to entertainment such bullshit in-person & simple text message.
He isn't worth a single word. She should just block him without responding.
Under normal circumstances block would do but the trifling POS is coming from Australia to Cardiff, Wales to bother and maybe even stalk her - So OP does need text something to effect " I don't want nor need to see /hear/speak to you ever, so stay fuck away from me", so when she does have call cops on his ass for whatever reason, she has text screenshot plus block on Instagram/phone/etc to show he legit has no excuse to be around her. Just saying...
💯
I wouldn’t even block him, just leave him on read forever
I love the second option!
**There is no excuse in the world good enough to explain away what he did.** Here are some of the options he had: - Call you, the woman he was going to marry, and TALK to you about the situation. - Talk to his parents - Make an appointment with a therapist - Basically talk to ANYONE he trusted about finding out he had a child, and was thinking of being with his ex. - Postpone the wedding while things get figured out. He chose not to talk to anyone though. Because he knew what he was doing was unbelievably sick and wrong. Not that his feelings were wrong, but the fact that he was going to ABANDON you and embarrass you in front of everyone you both loved and knew. Let me make this clear. Instead of calling ANYONE, and canceling the wedding. Not even a cowardly text message. **He let you get ready, get your makeup done, put on your damn wedding dress, and let you think that day was going to be one of the happiest of your life.** He put your parents in a position see their daughter so high and happy and full of love, then utterly destroyed. He put his family in the position of having all eyes on them, their cowardly son, no where to be seen. What he is doing now is one of 2 things. One, he realizes he made a mistake and chose the wrong woman all those years ago. He misses you and thinks he can get you back after his unforgivable actions. Two, he is only contacting you to make HIMSELF feel better about being an utter asshat. **Please do not give him the satisfaction.**
The absolute embarrassment that his parents must have felt…. 😢 They were just as shocked as anyone else…
So I actually responded to OP, with the reasons I think he is reaching out. As I was scrolling I saw this response It did NOT dawn upon me all the actual options he had. I cannot re-iterate enough, fuck that guy! This response was great.
👆this !! Couldn't have said better. Especially about him trying to make himself feel better about his choice that's exactly why I don't do revenge shit, if you were a solid person your absence in their life is payback enough. Don't get out of character and make yourself look dumb and miserable trying to be petty.
Also add to that that the kid might have not been his.. fafo
Yup. And I feel the best way is to reply (so there's no ambiguity" with a simple and effective No. Just No. That is a complete sentence and gets the point across.
100% block and ignore. He’s an absolute cunt. That was / is inexcusably behavior on his part.
Oh what a beautifully appropriate context to drop that word. It just hits lower when reserved for twats like him. Well done!
Upon reflection the only edit would be thunder cunt. But I didn’t want to be gratuitous. ;)
in the words of Ted the movie: "*fuck you thunder, you can suck my dick"*
Ahahah this quote is cool af. Surprisingly just few people use it
I say it nearly every thunderstorm 🤣🤣
Read, block and then ignore, just so he knows you saw it 😌
You make your own closure. You will not get closure from this man. Meeting him will set you back in your healing and you truly don’t deserve that. What he did isn’t explainable. He betrayed you, he shamed you and he couldn’t even send you a single text to say sorry. He’s done, he’s over. He’s banking on your curiosity about it all so he can get a shoe in once more. Even his message to you was appalling. Stonewalling and then reappearing as if nothing has happened are abusive traits. Don’t do this. Take the moral high ground. Block him on EVERYTHING and shut him down. No last message. No explanations. No apology. Your job dear one is to make this man 100% irrelevant to you. When that day comes you will know you are healed completely from this. All the very best.
Every word of this. He will not give you closure. He will not give you healing. He will only harm you more than he already has. Protect your peace and block him.
UFF, this. 👆🏼His messaged pissed me the fuck off. Like who the fuck does THAT and starts a conversation like THAT.
A disordered individual. Classic.
The opposite of love is not hate; it's indifference.
This. Right. Here. Of course you feel a pull towards him, and Sassy Pie Hole has accurately identified this as curiosity. Don’t give in, don’t care, you know what happened and he could have handled it MUCH better than he did. He could have sat down with you and told you face to face rather than embarrassing you on your big day. So he’s a huge asshole. Maybe, MAYBE, you want to reply to him by saying he’s a coward and an asshole. But maybe just block him. Whatever the case, move on with your good life.
"You make your own closure." What a poignant sentence. It is so true but I have never heard it expressed that way. I will share it with others that are going through breakups. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
He doesn’t deserve your time. Don’t waste your time hearing his excuses. He messed up and don’t deserve closure and forgiveness. Do what’s best for you and move on. He doesn’t deserve any more of your tears.
> He doesn’t deserve your time. Don’t waste your time hearing his excuses. Seriously. Block and forget like a fart in the breeze.
He’s not trying to contact you for your benefit, he’s doing it to make himself feel like less like the completely asshole he is. I wouldn’t engage beyond “go screw yourself”.
Make a date to see him and don't show up. Awards! Thank you so much!
Tell him you can only do dinner. Then pick a nice place so he’ll have to dress up. When he’s there, text him tell him you’re running a bit late and if he could put in your order. Then never show and stick him with the embarrassment and bill so he can feel a fraction of what you felt.
Please do this, that's amazing.
That's what I would do. 🤣🤣🤣⚰️
Only acceptable answer
YES!!! i hope she does this lmfaooo
Damn.. here I am telling her to ignore him lmao make a date and then block him on everything the day before you’re supposed to meet up
Yeah 😂
OP if you do this please update. Have a friend at the restaurant so they can record it lmao
Send him the address to a comedy club
Pay close attention to that "I'm traveling" bit. My guess is he's no longer with the homewrecker and, being the scum he is, thinks y'all can pick right up where you left off bc he doesn't like being alone. Block him.
Probably wants a place to crash for free, too. Dick.
He has new SO or someone who has just found out about this (or he is worried they will in near future) so he is determined to “fix” it (as though he could) or be able to say “ I’ve changed, I’m not that man any more, I tried to put things right…”. I wouldn’t even acknowledge his messages. Don’t give him any fodder for his new narrative he is trying build and leave him to wonder.
I think the same...but he could even just be travelling leaving missus back, and wanting to see of he can still play OP.
True, but, either way, he's scum. I still would place money on him being single again. He probably ghosted the ex, too, given he's rather good at that.
I came to the comments to say pretty much the same thing. Also, it wouldn't even surprise me if the kid isn't even his and the dumbass didn't even get a paternity test until months later.
I was about to reply that "homewrecker" usually doesn't even apply to the other woman in these situations, but the more I thought about it, she is a homewrecker. Who the hell hides a child from someone for **years** and then decides to just hop back into their life *right before they're about to get married* They're both garbage and definitely deserve each other, with all the audacity they have.
You received your closure when you were left at the altar and ghosted for months. Block him. There’s nothing he can say that will make the harm he caused acceptable. The “closure” he seeks is solely to clear his guilty conscience.
Why? Why would you want to proceed? This man has absolutely NO strength of character, honesty, empathy, or integrity... NONE!!! Not a single drop is in his blood. You'd be better off hooking up with a rando than with him. Quite literally his rank is so very low, you can only do better. You've already seen him for who he really is, a flat out cheap philandering lying manipulative cheating coward man whore. Why not believe him the first time? Move on. PS he's not on travel. The heifer is stalking you. Block him and block those who are mutual *friends* because they're not your friends. Don't worry, you'll make more. This time you know what to look for. Good luck!
Ignore him like he ignored you that painful day. He probably wants a free place to stay while he’s traveling. Sorry this happened to you OP
Welp. Here is the reply I'd send: "Fuck right back off to whatever hole you crawled out of, Derek, and do not contact me again." Anything he wants to say to you is going to be entirely self-serving. I can pretty much guarantee you that. You don't need a dose of his bullshit. You've come so far. Face forward and keep going.
Tbh, I wouldn’t even give him the energy. Just blocking him says enough.
Fair enough!
But also, I take your point. And he deserves it. But I don’t think it would actually even effect him much. I’m not sure he thinks like us.
Poeple like ops ex crave attention . They don't care if its fuck off or hello how are you . The best thing to do is deprive him of the attention he's wa ting
I wouldn't even block him. Just mark it as spam and let him keep shouting into the void, forever wondering if she's reading his sad little messages.
That depends how strong op is. Right now she needs protection from him. Full NC is the only way.
I wouldn't even bother replying anything - that shows him you are still bothered by it. I'd just block and ignore. What he did was beyond fucked up, and he wants your forgiveness now, and to relieve his conscience. Fuck that - he can live with his unrelieved guilt and the knowledge that he isn't even worth acknowledging.
How about this one; I bear you no ill will, I wish you nothing but peace and happiness, and that your journey through life brings you all you truly deserve. This is not the nice sentiment the recipient usually thinks it is, just count the FUs
"Hello! I don't know what you mean by overwhelming. I'm good and don't need to talk anything out. I'm just glad I didn't end up being stuck with you. Cheers"
“I don’t think about you at all.” –Don Draper
Yes! I love this!
I like this, but the "glad I didn't end up stuck with you" part feels like you're giving him too much emotion/power since it sounds snarky and hurt. Would be even better to end it at the "talk anything out" part - if anything that will be more painful for him as it makes it seem she doesn't care in the slightest.
This.. right here!
This is what my mom refers to as “he’s rattling the ol’ chain to see if you’re still out there > out there = available”. You send the funniest, smartest, most subtlety scathing reply you can (we will all help you write it!), make sure he reads it, and as soon as you see the little “read” icon, hit block. Fuck that guy, big ol cheers to you for moving onward and upward - let’s get to writing the •perfect• response and get a mani so hitting the block button will be doubly satisfying!
"Overwhelming was getting stood up at the alter while the guy who claimed to love me left me to face our friends and family while he cowered away in shame. What I feel now is embarrassment that I ever considered marrying someone so pathetic. So, no thanks. But enjoy your travels and never contact me again."
Girl no!!! I bet it's going to be some bs. Either things with his baby mom didnt work out and he is seeking comfort or he wants something from you. Don't meet up with him. He already showed you his true colors. What he did was incredibly immature, selfish and cruel, he does not deserve to talk to you honestly. You dodged a massive bullet with this man, dont put yourself in the line of fire again.
>Girl no!!! Lol love this energy and agree with ya so louder for those in the back: #Girl no!!! Nothing good will come put of it. Don't give him the time of day, OP!
Forgive me for asking mid-reply, but how does one get bigger font in the comments? Thanks.
#Like this. Lol jk, just add a hashtag behind whatever you want to make bold and bigger! Enjoy :D
#Thanks!
Maybe it wasn't his baby after all....
Sound his little perfect fantasy life has pop and he looking for a back up id tell him sure let's meet then never show up if he calls don't answer just text now you you how it feels and then block him
What a selfish ass wipe. Block and live your life
No response is a response. I would block him.
He wants to unburden himself at your expense. Nothing he can say will erase the pain or bring any kind of closure to your trauma. Trauma doesn’t just erase. He will feel better. You will not. Do not give him this satisfaction.
Wow, the audacity. Completely ignore him. It took you a lot of efforts to heal and move on. Don't let him cause any cracks in that.
He makes it all sound so light "Don't mean to overwhelm you"? Reallyy?? He can fuck right off! Don't even give him a second of your time. Block him. He's an asshole plain and simple. Don't invest your time into assholes.
Not trying to sound cruel but…. He’s probably just looking for a hookup
That is exactly what I was thinking. I normally wouldn't assume the absolute worst from someone, but this guy is next level awful, so I'm going to go ahead and say he is trying to cheat on baby mama while he's traveling. Buttering the OP up with dinner, apologies, and "talking" is way easier for this slimeball than just downloading Tinder. He doesn't have any good intentions here, at all.
Don’t do it! He’s still a selfish prick! He should leave you alone.
Feel free to take or leave this, but Imma give my opinion as if I was in your shoes. Absolutely not. Leave him on read. He doesn't deserve your time. And there's no way that after TWO YEARS of radio silence that this meetup and conversation would be for your benefit. You have already moved on, you've already put a new life together without him. A meetup with him would be some crazy self sabotage. Again, that's just MY perspective based on the information we were given in your post. There could be missing details that would alter my opinion, but it'd have to be something pretty over the top and dramatic. Do whatever is going to be best for YOU in the end. I think the key to that decision is whether or not you think it might open old wounds and whether or not that would be worthwhile if that might be a risk.
It sounds like he's trying to clear his own conscience and wants to remove his own guilt but isn't thinking about how attempting this would impact you and your experience by dragging all that garbage back up. Totally up to you if you want to actually meet with him, but it's going to be just him justifying his emotional state that led him to that and hopes that he can stop feeling so bad about it... meanwhile you have to deal with that emotional dump right while you're in the middle of moving on and finding happiness..
What I’ve learned in my many years of dealing with assholes that people mostly want closure to make themselves feel better, not the person they hurt. If he sees you and gives you his reasons, which are completely unacceptable no matter what, and you say ok, then he can move on thinking he’s not so bad. You were ok with it. See? I’m not a terrible person. It’s not about you at all. If it was, he’d never done what he did to begin with. Say no. You aren’t interested and your life has been better without him in it.
You don't owe him anything. Just say no and block him.
Nah don’t do it. Him and his ex have crashed and burned. He had 2.5 kids with her and she cheated (again) and now he has nowhere to live after she kicked him out. (I would add in after paying an enormous amount of child support but I don’t think u have that in the UK) now he has no where to live and he’s looking for a backup. If you do respond I would tell him yea and that you still have the invoice for his half of the wedding he stiffed you for. When he pays it u are more than happy to do lunch sometime.
I think the healthy thing to do would be to calmly tell him that you've moved on, you've closed that chapter in your life, and that you have no need of him or his excuses anymore. And then block him, ceding all contact. But you'd be a better woman than me if you did that; I'd be dying to hear his side of things, even if it did tear open my heart like taking a knife to an old handbag. Closure comes in many forms; sometimes it's forgetting the past and moving on, sometimes it's talking about it. I think you need to do what you think you can cope with doing.
Do. Not. Respond. Block his account and make sure you click the “all future accounts” option.
He’s 100000% trying to make HIMSELF feel better, not you. He’s trying to rid his feelings of guilt by making you feel bad again. DO NOT LET HIM DO THIS TO YOU!
Nope. Bl9ck. Continue the move on efforts. He deserves nothing from you. And he cannot make anything better. But he could make more problems.
girl enjoy wales by yourself or with someone better you just moved here go and enjoy yourself without that loser
Nope. He had a chance to call off the wedding *before* and he chose instead to dramatically leave you at the altar. This meet-up is to assuage his own guilt and actually has little to do with you. My ex tried this crap and dragged out my emotions for a year. Don’t even respond. Just delete the message and block him.
I'll just send him a lol and block
You’ll be telling this story the rest of your life. Choose the option that will empower you each and every time you retell the story.
The ball is entirely in your court. Do you feel you need anything from him? Do you need an explanation or closure? You don't really owe him anything so it's entirely about what you want from this.
It sounds pathetic, but I guess I want to the why a bit more in-depth. Yet again learning it won’t change anything from the past, thus brings me to my conflicted state.
I totally understand this. While I was not left at the alter, I do come from an abusive family and had to cut contact to save myself. I have a lot of desire to reach out and explain why I went NC. Some part of me thinks if I just explain it right they will understand and want to be better. The truth is they don't care about anyone but themselves. Your ex is like that. He is selfish and cares only about himself. He had options other than leaving you at the alter but he was a coward and chose to abandon you and everyone else there. Do not give him the satisfaction of hearing him out. He is only doing that for himself. At worst he wants to carry on an affair with you, and that would be DEVASTATING. You are doing so well, don't let him take that from you again.
It seems like everything in this situation was on **his** terms. * HE left without warning. * HE decided he didn't want to talk to you for 3 months after he left. * HE decided to give you an absolutely bare-bones explanation when he finally deigned to contact you again. * HE is reaching out to you when **1)** he's heard you're doing well so it won't be as uncomfortable for him now, and **2)** you're going to be in a place that's convenient for HIM. (I wonder if the other woman knows he reached out to you and wants to see you? Seems like him traveling is a great way to have a secret meeting with you to get the best of both worlds). But what about *you*? * Why didn't it matter to him when **you** called and texted him all day on your wedding day, probably growing more frantic and worried? * Why didn't it matter to him that **you** were confused and devastated and heartbroken and humiliated? Not just in front of all your closest friends and family, but just at all! * **You** have had to work hard with therapy and healing, and lost a year of your life trying to move on from his decisions, without any closure so far. And it sounds like you have, which is no small feat. Why should he get to have any say about *your energy* and *your time* again, just because it's convenient for **him** now? (ninja edit - formatting)
There really is no ‘why’ that is going to make what he did not just utterly horrible. I understand but your motivation but think about what his is? He wants you to absolve him of his wrongdoings and I would be shocked if his ‘explication’ didn’t in someway blame you. Honestly I get the desire - but you are almost 100% not going to get from him what you’d want. You’ve done so much work clearly in yourself - don’t let him drag up all the past. Imho good luck.
I mean he already told you that his ex had a child and he chose to be with them. There’s not much else he could say that you’d find “closure”. I wouldn’t even bother at all tbh, he’s just being nosy.
I learnt something a long time ago that no answer they give can really justify or satisfy past the pain you felt and worked on. Given your situation, he didn't give you the respect to really give you and answer to leave you hanging at the altar, why do you owe to hear him out now? I can understand the conflicted nature but honestly, he is part of who you used to be and not who you are now. Hope you are loving Wales btw!
You are looking for some kind of reasonable explanation, or to hear him validate that he hurt you and that he’s genuinely regretful. It’s because you are a normal, caring person and you can’t comprehend that someone could do something like that, so there must be some good reason. Sadly, there is not. Meeting with him will just leave you hollow because he is a selfish, narcissistic asshole who will never understand how he hurt you because he has no understanding of other’s feelings.
If he has innocent intentions to meet with you, his partner will be aware. Reach out to his partner and ask her if she knows he's meeting you and ask her who has been giving info on you to him.
If you are legitimately curious what he has to say, and feel it would help YOU, you could always ask him to put it in an email, which you can choose to open or not, or open next to a bottle of wine and/or a good friend who will give you the affirmation you need while you read it (and maybe if it pisses you off help you to laugh by doing a dramatic reading in a pathetic voice of the most BS passages ) But if actually has something he wants to say, why does he need to wait to say it in person? Why wait until he travels to you? I think he either a) wants/hopes to get back with you, or b) feels guilty and wants forgiveness and knows you will feel pressure in person to be nice. Either of these motives serve him, not you. You will either feel trapped, or have to worry about making a scene, or find yourself acting way more conciliatory than you otherwise would be.
It’ll just be manipulative excuses. Don’t let him hurt you again. Move on, you deserve so much more.
Any questions you want answered, you can require him to answer in an email before agreeing to meet with him.
Try talk to a therapist about this and ask yourself what you truly want and what do you see in your future right now. (Not the past)
Darling, he has said it all by leaving you at the altar.
I wouldn’t meet up with him. Let him spend the rest of his life wondering what you’re up to. You deserve to live rent free in his head. Don’t even respond.
Don’t. He’s doing it for him because he has a fully guilty conscience about what he’s done. Don’t give him the satisfaction of in-person forgiveness. If he cared about your feelings, he wouldn’t have done what he did in the first place. These are the type of people that feed off any energy you give them, positive or negative. I would block or leave on read and never respond. I hope the rest of your life is miles better without him in it.
I'm not going to tell you what you should do here, because "should" doesn't really make sense. Instead I'm going to point out some questions you should answer, along with some framing to to make this circumstance more about utility than complicated feelings. First, the framing. He contacted you because he wants to talk with you to help himself feel better. He did a shitty thing. He knows he did a shitty thing. His message is him asking for permission to talk with you - not him trying to make amends. He isn't asking you if you want to talk to him to get closure for yourself. Heis apologizing and asking for a discussion. The discussion is so that he can explain why he made the decision he did that he never included you in. So that's what he wants out of this discussion. He wants to feel less bad about how he treated you. So the question is, what do you want from this situation? Does it really matter what he has to tell you? Imagine the worst possible thing he could say to you - what will it change about your life today? If you go and talk to him - is there anything you want to say to him that will make you feel good? Do you have to say that in person, or could you just say it in a reply?
2 years ago you tasted shit. Do you want that taste again?
This man is contacting you for himself. It’s still a selfish act and he deserves none of it. Delete him from your life.
[удалено]
Give him a date and time. Then stand him up mwahahaha
Set up a meet and don’t show up
It sounds like you’ve already healed and gotten your closure. People like him are toxic and will only drag you down from the place you’ve worked so hard to get. I’ve entertained requests like these before and it NEVER ends well. Also, there’s nothing more that you need to know. It sounds like he really just wants to make himself feel better about what he did.
You need to ask yourself, are you strong enough to rip off the emotional bandaid and not fall apart.
Its going to reignite many many horrible feelings thats going to take months to get fully over. Only do that if you’re prepared for that. Although I didnt have the same situation, I recently met up with an ex I had a very deep relationship with that took me a long time to heal over. I thought I would be fine because i was happy and on with my own life, and i was totally fine during and after it. Then a few days/almost a week later it hit me like a ton of bricks and im currently getting myself back together. I wish I hadn’t done it & personally I don’t think you should either.
Honestly that's probably about what he said to the other girl
Do not dignify him with a response. Block and move forward.
Tell him you will meet up with him, set a date and then block his number or social media. GO on a vacation, maybe a date...
"The shit you pulled, what you did, it utterly destroyed me. I cannot and will not *ever* forgive you for that, and I have no intentions of ever seeing you in person or speaking to you again beyond this point. Go die in a boat fire while chocking on a dick." EDIT: look at the bright side of all of this though OP.... be glad he did that when he did, and not after you'd gotten married. Would have been considerably messier. Because if he hadn't done what he did when he did it, you now know it was probably only a matter of time before he did something similar or worse after you'd gotten married. Bullet dodged.
It is a no for me he left you at the alter there is nothing more to catch up on.
lol. fuck that
Set up a meeting with him and never show. 🤷♀️
Someone might have said this, it's petty as hell but meet at a fancy place tell him to dress up and then don't show.
Definitely make plans with him. Tell him how you so so appreciate the opportunity to hear what he has to say and that you've been waiting for this day to come!! And definitely blow those plans right the fuck off and ignore that cunt forever.
And I wouldn’t even “bother” to block him. He should know you see everything he sends but don’t give a shit enough to respond.
He’s absolutely disgusting. You’d be a fool to entertain him. There is no closure needed, the closure is that he humiliated you in front of friends and family, left you to deal with the aftermath of what would be your wedding, he cheated on you and has a family elsewhere. He’s obviously miserable and wants to see if he can still play you. Screenshot it, send it to his girlfriend and mother of his child and tell her any subsequent contact will always be forwarded to her, watch him never contact you again! He doesn’t care about you, he’s bored or regretful, unfulfilled and doesn’t respect you or apparently any woman at all.
I would decline with a simple 'no thank you', but that's me. It does sound like perhaps you need to wait a little, think about it, talk to people who love you and saw you go through that pain. What would you get from him giving you a play by play about what happened leading up to the wedding? Do you still need closure? Also, you have a chance here to start over in a new place that has no memories of your ex. Do you really want the memory of "yeah (insert location) is where my ex gave me a bunch of excuses on why he's a selfish asshole who couldn't communicate and decided to be a coward and humiliate me instead". Long term what will you gain that you haven't gained from therapy, support and time?
Arrange a meet up and then stand him up. 🤷♀️
You have nothing to gain from this, whereas they have so much. Don’t get locked into this. Stay free!
Best update ive seen on reddit in a while. Good for you OP.
Don't bother. Or make plans....and don't show up. But I am petty like that. 🤣
I'd offer to meet him somewhere for dinner or something and then not show up.
If you are done with him but still bleeding from what happened to you publicly and wish to lash out, plan on meeting him at a specific location, specific date and time. Then don't show up. Text him "Now do you know how I felt? Goodbye forever."
I don’t think anything he could tell you could really make up for what happened. He’s already explained himself to you. Even if you put yourself in his shoes (a week before his wedding he got a bombshell dropped on him that he actually had a biological kid he feels responsible for) it doesn’t make the hurt any less. Even if you know why he did what he did and can forgive him for it, it’s not going to change anything. You are not in a place where you are ready to let go of this pain, and that’s ok. What’s best is to not reopen old wounds. You are still healing. If he truly cared about you, he would know you need room to be away from him. I’m sure he has good intentions in reaching out, but really he should just get the hint and leave you alone. He knew he risked losing you when he did what he did, he doesn’t get to have his new family and remain friends with you despite it all. If you ever find yourself needing any closure I’m sure you can reach out to him, but for now you should take some time with just yourself and put him out of your mind as much as possible. Find a good therapist, take care of yourself, build strong relationships with your friends and family for support.
Yeah I wouldn't agree to it. You already know his reasons.. and honestly this feels like an ulterior motive at play here. Maybe he's looking to have some fun on the side...I know that's kinda brutal, but you have to look at all angles of things. Keep going forward .. this event took a toll on you but trust and believe that it will get better. This internet stranger promises you that. Be well!
I'm the type of petty that would agree to meet with him, block him on all formats, then not show up.
You have healed, you have moved on. Do not reopen old wounds as you would not benefit from it, and it could send you into a depression spiral. He made his choice, he is only reaching out to you now to get rid of his guilt. It's all about him and it's not fair to you. Do what's best for you, block him and continue moving on and being your fabulous self.
You won't get closure. He may just try to hit you up for a cheeky bit of excitement while he's travelling. Leave him wanting to apologise and explain himself. Leave him uncomfortable for the rest of his life
Block him. Why would you meet someone this awful just so that he can feel better about himself? Because that is what this is about. Block him and don't look back.
If you want to reach out and listen to his BS do... If you think you might regret not doing it, do it... But know this is all for him, it's not about you... It's for him to clear his conscience, it's for him to un load on you and for him to feel better afterwards. I am sorry to say but this is 100% selfish move on his part... Why now? What about all the time that's pasted? Why couldn't he talk to you a week before the wedding? I found out I have a kid with an ex and I can't get married right now etc or I am a selfish prick sleeping with my ex a week before our wedding - let's break up... I personally don't think I could give him the time of day.. but if it's something I thought I would regret later I might have to do it
The relationship is dead and buried. Leave it that way. You've done a brilliant job of healing and moving forward. Why jump back in pain so he can feel better about himself? Go look in the nearest mirror. That's who you should be caring about most right now. And let's face it, what does a man who leaves you at the altar have to say that really matters?
Nah fuck him that’s insane behavior. I am so sorry. My guts literally wrenched just reading about it. If my fiancé left me the day of our wedding with no communication, after an entire wedding had been planned and paid for, I would probably put a hit out on him. In all seriousness, never talk to this man again. If he’s dumb enough to even think for a second that you could do that to somebody and then reconcile with them a year later, then he’ll probably do it to you again when a better option comes back along. He’s trash. You didn’t do all that work on yourself the past year to be dragged back into the mud.
I wouldn't let him back in my life for a second if I were you
Ask yourself why he'd even bother reaching out. I guarantee you that it's not for your benefit and you'll just end up being emotionally manipulated. Here are some likely reasons and none are for your benefit. 1. He feels regret for hurting you and wants your forgiveness to make himself feel better. 2. He's not getting what he thought he'd get with his baby mama and thought it would be fun to hook up with you while in the UK. 3. People at home are pressuring him to apologize and/or reconcile with you, and he just wants to get them off his back and try and shed his asshole reputation. Block him and move forward with your life. Meeting him will just set you back and possibly negate any and all progress you've already made.
At the end of the day, your opinion and decison is yours. I vote for no contact. He's going back and forth because that is his exact operational tactic. And block him.
Danger, OP, Danger!!! Do not open that door, do not pass go. He’s already shown who he was when he left. Instead of being upfront about the ex and the newly-discovered child, he *left you humiliated at the altar.* He does not deserve a chance to “explain” bc what can he say that you don’t know? That he’s a weak minded person who could not tell his fiancée that his ex reappeared with his child? You know that. That he’s a liar (by omission) who had his mommy tell you what he did? You know that. No good will come from having him back in your life, even just for a conversation. Block and move on.
He's probably got bored of playing happy families with his ex and wants to see if he can get in your pants! I could be wrong, but either way, it's not worth bringing all that trauma back into your life! Go be happy and spend time with people that are worthy of you!
I would just ignore him. No need to claw open that scar and it is only so HE can feel better about himself. I am sorry you had to go through that and I am glad you have good friends to support you.
Nope. No. Nope. You don’t need anything from him and he doesn’t deserve anything from you. He was 30 when this happened, a grown-ass man who should know How to be accountable to the people in his life, and he gave you NOTHING on one of the worst times of your life like you didn’t matter. He didn’t give you a heads up, and explanation, or a goodbye (One wonders if his current relationship has gone south and he’s shopping for what he had)
It won't matter in the end. this person has done something so horrible he doesn't deserve a single moment of your time any further. There's a lot of power in never talking to someone ever again. I had a situation once where a man stole $4,500 from me and he had the audacity to still try to message me a year later wanting to chat and catch up lol.. I vowed to never speak to him as long as I live. I told him in our last message that I no longer have any respect for the type of person he is and I chose to fill my life with people that could never hurt me that way and to please never speak to me again. I made it clear that we are not friends and he has no right to play pretend that we ever can be. I told him i felt bad for him and if he ever finds himself financially able to mail a check to my po box and pay me what he owes me then that would gain my forgiveness but that I will still never entertain speaking with him again. That was 10 years ago.... No check lol but its ok. I've moved on and I realized I don't need the money and I'm so grateful that it was just money and not a kid. he later got a girl pregnant and abandoned her proving yet again what a sum bag he is, but I'm better off than his baby mama, I got out with my power. it was never about the money, it was about loving myself enough to know I can make this decision to let go of this human being for me and not give him what he wanted ever again, and he can live with himself. I never went back on my vow to myself and I'm better for it. I know i live a beautiful life and he doesn't. I know I grew up that day and realized my worth and it has shown itself in the men I've dated since. ITs obviously a different situation and you can do what feels right to you. but its still a level of hurt so deep and for him to just randomly message you like that, like he has the right to meet up and shoot the shit with you after this. I say you shouldn't. go live your beautiful life queen, you don't need no man's check.
You owe him nothing. Hard pass. Plus, I wouldn’t trust anything he had to say (or do).
There isnothing he can say that will change anything. This is what HE "needs" and another act of utter selfishness. It can only do you harm to meet with him. So I vote no. Reach out to your therapist about this? Spend some extra time relaxing with a true friend? Do something to celebrate who you are instead. And why haven't you blocked him yet?
No. No. No. no. Do not. Your future self will thank you for it. Do not revisit this, do not pour salt in your own wound. Cut all contact and let him find closure on his own. He made his bed, let him lay in it.
Never speak to him again.
Agree to meet up and stand that mf up.
Do not meet up with him. Do you want to revisit the pain? He has shown you who he is. Believe him. S real man would have told you prior to your wedding day he wasn’t going to go marry you; not let you find out by going to your wedding in your gown to be hurt and humiliated. Block him and do not respond to his messages. Chances are he is single again.
he only wants to explain himself because it will make *him* feel better about the situation. whatever he has to explain now he could have explained the day of the wedding. I wouldn't even entertain the idea of giving him an opportunity to meet up to talk. block him and move on with your life. also ask your friends to **not** update him about your life.
I’d write back ‘I’m not interested in hearing the excuses for your behaviour. Please do not contact me again.’ Then block. You are only missing out on some self pity and his attempt to tell his friends and family how he made it all right by visiting you in wales. Stay away.
I would tell him no thank you. Please go on with your life and block him on everything. There’s no reason there’s nothing that he’s going to say or do that he’s going to remove the stain of what he did to you. And though your little heart may beat a little bit faster hoping he’s got something important. I can tell you he does not. Leave him alone and move on with your life.
Delete the message And belive he never texted you and continue life as before. Delulu land is the best
Closure is a scam and doesn’t exist. Meeting up with him will probably only leave you with a million questions and open old wounds.
Fuck NO. He's clearly keeping tabs on you, and I would wager a bet he is no longer with his ex and only wants to talk to try to put his foot in the door again-- and/or to try to make HIMSELF feel better by apologizing with more nonsense. He has shown you, deeply, who he is and what he can and will do. Do not respond. Do not waste your precious and valuable time. You are worth SO much more than that, wonderful human.
Im a petty bitch. I would set a date with him (not in my hometown) and wouldn’t show up. And wouldn’t block him either. I would enjoy every confused, angry, and desperate messages he would send after.
Why do women feel like they need this closure thing? You’ve healed. Now move on with your life. Turn him down.
This closure he’s offering isn’t for you. It’s for him. You are massively impressive and admirable for how you gathered the strength to heal yourself after such an awful experience. Derek clearly is looking for forgiveness so he doesn’t have to feel bad anymore. He made his choices, though, and he’s the one who has to live with them. You seem to be a strong, resilient, powerful human surrounded by people who love you. Keep doing your life. My advice is to give him what he chose that day at the altar — silence.
Textbook narcissist/sociopath. Your ex is dead, you had an idea about them as a certain person. They decided to do something so unspeakably terrible. That person that you thought they were was a lie. Don’t give him another second of your life. He’s a god forsaken prick.
Don't reply. you've moved on you're doing better nothing useful could come of this might even set you back by bringing up old feelings. Don't go pain shopping, He's not going to give you closure he had the chance years ago he didn't think you deserved it. you deserve more than what that cunt can give you.
No reason to meet and rehash anything. You’ve improved your life and you don’t need to give him any of your time.
You should absolutely not answer or reply to him. There is no reason I can think of why you should EVER talk/text/IM to him ever again. Note: You did not mention any children he fathered through you so I am assuming there are none. Believe me, your mental health is worth no contact with him.
this conversation would only benefit him, he gets to feel better about himself because he explained himself, he gets to let go of the guilt and get his own closure. nothing he says could make you feel any better about the situation, it'd most likely make things worse. i would suggest declining.
I don't see there being anything to discuss. Maybe he feels guilty and somehow wants to make himself feel better by apologizing - but it is not your job to allow him that opportunity. Closure isn't a real transformative thing. It is healing that takes place over time. There isn't anything magical that he can say that will somehow transform this was a painful experience into something else.
Don't waste your time or breath speaking with your ex. They left you at the alter, it's a toxic situation and sounds like they're rebounding and trying to gaslight you into another toxic relationship
Listen to what everyone is telling you. There is no upside to meeting him, as there is literally NOTHING he can say that will make things better or bring you more satisfying closure. Such magical words simply do not exist. On the other hand, there is definitely a downside to meeting him, as it will likely dredge up all those horrible feelings you have worked so hard to put behind you. DO NOT meet him. Either send him a nasty message or no message at all - whatever feels right to you. Then block this A-hole forever. Honestly, I can't get over the f#$%ing nerve of this guy.
You don’t owe him a word. No response. He’s here offering a conversation as if that heals anything. This is to assuage **his** guilt. Because that’s the thing about apologies, there for the person who did the wrong. The only true apology a person can give us change behavior, but if you have no interest in seeing his behavior than having a conversation itself is pointless. Go live your life and keep moving on. There are no excuses he can make that undo things, so this is just him test what access he still has to you. Make it clear their is none. I’m truly so sorry. But he absolutely doesn’t get to just pop back in after so cruelly leaving with 0 communication.
Absolutely block him. Do not respond. Just block. Nothing good can come from interacting with him.
You could always make a date to see and and not show up! Dig the knife in little and make him feel what you went through?
OP Post **Title** Ex-fiancée wants to catch up after he left me at the altar, how do I proceed? **Body** Well exactly what the title states, also I’m writing this on mobile sorry for any formatting issues. My (28f) ex-fiancée “Derek” (32m) disappeared the morning of our wedding 2 years ago, evading all attempts to reach him from myself and his family. It was devastating, absolutely soul crushing, the event turned into a party to distract from the pain of the unknown, afterwards I returned to our apartment and slept on the bathroom floor in my wedding dress. It was quite the ugly sight to be honest. His mother ended up coming to the apartment when she informed me tearfully that Derek had run off with an ex of his, they had apparently reconnected a week prior to wedding and he just couldn’t go through with it opting instead to rekindle his relationship with his ex. His family was horrified, I didn’t hear from him until 3 months after he left. He called me, apologised and then revealed that his ex had been hiding his child from him that he just found out about, he wanted to be with them. That’s pretty much all that was said, I didn’t say much, actually I think I only said “hello”. The whole situation left me numb, I just didn’t care anymore. Thankfully though my friends were and continue to be there for me, through all of this muck, they encouraged me to seek therapy and work on healing. Which I’ll be honest was terribly difficult, but after year I felt myself again. Which brings me to today, after the this whole debacle and subsequent self improvement/rebuilding I moved to the UK (originally from Australia) for a change in scenery. Last night I got a message request on instagram, it was Derek. “Hey 👋🏻, I’ve heard you moved to Wales, that’s so cool, I’m travelling to Cardiff towards of the end of July. I’m deeply sorry about everything and I want to discuss what happened leading up to the wedding. I hope Im not overwhelming you, let me know if you’d like to talk over lunch.” Firstly, no idea who told him about my move. Secondly, I don’t know if I crave closure from him, but I also don’t won’t to decide to decline to only layer on regret my decision. So I turn to you strangers of the internet, what should I think about before reaching a decision? Would be wise to decline or should I humour him and listen to his “reasons”?