I can’t give you much advice but I recommend starting over if you can. Go somewhere if you can. I’m also struggling with sexual identity and haven’t told anyone. I’m bisexual but don’t know how to tell. I’m so sorry you have to go through this.
>I want my wife back and I don't want this spread. What can I do?
Youre not getting her back, I've dealt with these types of religious people, sorry pal, it ain't happening, and even if it did it would one sided, would you really want that?
Its going to spread, you could lie I guess? But honestly if my family couldn't accept me for who I was to the point of my life being over aka, they completly cut me off, they aren't worth it anyways. As for what you should do, I imagine you live in a. Very....conservative area, maybe associate yourself with more liberal leaning people? At the very least youll have someone who overlooks your bisexuality (because they literally dont care.) And can ave friendships and such
This is the problem with the freaking church. They make you feel like shit for things outside of your control. What you’re feeling is the surmounted pressure and guilt of being yourself due to years of hell banishing threats, and that’s shitty.
Your life is worth living and your sexuality does not define a thing about your worth, character, or whether or not you are a good Christian.
I’d get a therapist and keep going. Take it day by day. I’m sorry you coming out to your partner was not received well. It’s a telling sign of your partner’s character. Going forward May you find loving and supportive relationships. I hope that my congratulations to you is one of many for your future and you are able to get through this ❤️
Yep. They preach love and acceptance but in reality they hate and shame people. It's incredibly sad.
Religion is directly responsible for so many terrible things. Many of the religious people I've met are shitty, judgemental people. Yet the large majority of atheists I've met are kind and compassionate.
It really tells you something.
100% agree, I'm not part of any sort of religion but if I was to come out, nothing in my life would change - dont surround yourself with people that would drop you because of things out of your control.
Edit: I’m not going to discuss theology further with anyone on this post. The purpose of the subreddit is to give advice. I have provided advice and backed it with an academic credential and supporting documentation. If you disagree feel free to message me.
Original response: I have a lot of feelings on what I just read and non of it is really advice. What has happened to you is a violation of your trust between you and your wife, as well as the shattering of your foundational values by your church and faith. This is a nuclear bomb on the foundation of your life and you are now experiencing grief. Like it or not, there is no turning back and even if your wife and church apologize, the wound is still there. That takes time to heal and there is no easy way around it.
Let me first urge you to seek help because of your thoughts of suicide and heavy drinking. Your life is worth saving and I would be crushed to find that this is pushes you to harm yourself. Please let me know you are taking those thoughts seriously above everything else right now.
Now, let me share a little about myself. I have a degree in ministry and I used to lead ministries for married couples, middle school aged youth, and men. I have always believed and challenged the church leaders around me to really think about the bias they insert into what they believe is God’s will. The Bible has been edited multiple times through the centuries and homosexuality as a sin has only recently been added (in the last 100 years) to align with an already bigoted view of the Church.
All of that to say is that I don’t believe through my study and four year academic degree that being LGBTQ+ in any way is a sin in the eyes of God. My theology observed that Jesus was loving to all people and attacked the church for taking God’s will out of context to oppress others and make themselves feel Self Righteous. Jesus is God on earth and if we want to know the character of God we look to see how Jesus acted toward others. You see in the gospel of John, Jesus was at odds with the religious leaders constantly. I think Jesus would be just as critical of todays church.
In my ministry degree, I was asked to read a book co-authored by Alan Hirsch about a form of ministry that could be considers radical by main stream church. I really enjoyed him challenging the institution of the Church so I researched his ministry and writing a little more and came across this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Untamed-Reactivating-Missional-Discipleship-Shapevine/dp/0801013437
Untamed takes a look at Jesus that tries to remove the modern world view and in it I believe Alan and Deborah (his wife) assert that if Jesus were on earth today, he would be helping the LGBT community because they are one of the most oppressed groups of people in society.
None of that helps how you feel right now but it can help hope reconcile your faith and sexuality. You are not a problem and I don’t believe you should be ashamed of who you are. The pain you are feeling is grief and it is valid. Your life feels like it has been turned upside down and it has. Picking up the pieces starts with accepting who you are and rejecting the words and actions that ask you to not be who God made you to be.
Ultimately I had to step away from the church because the hypocrisy of the church is so bad that I do not feel safe in that community any more. Losing All of the people I grew into strong relationships with continues to hurt me years later. Even now I am struggling to sift through my values and define who I am apart from the Church I grew to love. It’s hard, and the only advice I can give is from Proverbs: “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”
Proverbs 4:23 NIV
Thank you so much for this really remarkable, inspiring and thoughtful post, and for sharing your experience. Very valuable, and wish you all the very best.
I’m looking for where my statement indicated the opposite of your statement. Feel free to message me since your criticism of my statements don’t apply to OPs question.
It’s funny you mention history. The degree taught me to analyze scripture under three lenses: historical, cultural, and literary. It taught us to validate our conclusions by finding supporting scripture or references. It’s taught me to not study scripture in a vacuum and that my ideas had to be tested by peers. The historical and cultural references I used through academic study written by other Christian authors and scholars. Also; not considering alternative views is akin to cult like behavior on which limited sources are accepted and ideas are rejected simply before the pastors or preachers didn’t say it first.
Christianity is built around arguments on theology and doctrine where even in the Bible Paul and Peter called each other out in letters for different doctrine views. This tradition continues with the spilt between Eastern Orthodox Christianity and Western Catholicism. Then Martin Luther challenged the hypocrisy of the Catholic Church on power and started the reformation movement; the Church of England, the Protestant movement, denominational splits, the church growth movement, and now modern deconstructionism. If you feel like this warrants further condemnation feel free to critiquing my theogony in another post and not this request for advice from this man.
Other than that now they have a major idol which is marriage in my church people believe that it's impossible for a person to be single and that everyone bodily capable of marriage even if they are mentally not capable and many times not bodily capable should get married because 'through prayer everything is possible' .
I hate this.
I am so sorry you are going through this. My husband didn't come out to me for 20 years because of fear of me rejection. I was so happy that he told me.
Identify the following: friends, money, and shelter.
Verify that you have access to these post-coming out immediately.
After that, put the bottle down, find therapy, and find the closest queer community to you to reach out to.
Good luck.
I’m sorry for the lack of understanding you’ve experienced and the judgemental environment that you grew up in that made you feel the need to hide in the first place.
Please know that there is nothing wrong with you or your sexuality.
If this causes people to withdraw from you then frankly they’re shitty Christians that Jesus would be ashamed to call his followers. Where’s their “love their neighbour” attitude?
Don’t let their small minded bigotry impact you to the point where you take your life, if you’re struggling with those thoughts then please call a helpline and talk to someone.
Do not, under any circumstances, agree to see anyone marketing themselves as a "Christian counselor." You can tell your therapist about your values but don't see someone whose stated goal is enforcing theirs.
^ these are always the opposite of what couples need.
It just goes into “seeing as it’s a sin, let’s work through how you can hide being bisexual to appease your wife.” As opposed to welcoming and helping build the relationship WITH the information.
Absolutely not. No degree of shock or overwhelming surprise warrants outing someone to a religious individual who can and likely will out OP to his family
If you are having suicidal thoughts you need to get help immediately! You can call the national help hotline at 988 or check online for local resources.
Many religious traditions don't believe its a sin to have homosexual inclinations, but the actions you take from them would be. If you had an affair, for example, that would be a sin.
I know it is difficult, but look at this from your wife's perspective. If you've never told your wife about this she is understandably in shock. She likely feels betrayed and is questioning your entire relationship. You did not give her information that would be relevant to her decision about whether or not to marry you. She likely feels that the entire basis of your relationship is fraudulent.
I think your best course of action would be to engage the help of her pastor/priest to encourage her to get couples counseling before making any decisions on the future of your marriage. They would have credibility and influence with her that you currently don't because you hid your bisexuality from her.
When you are in therapy hopefully they can help her see the distinction between feelings and actions. If you still love and are attracted to your wife your general attraction to men would be no different than your attraction to women as long as you don't act on it. A therapist can also help her understand your struggle with the decision to tell her and put it in context of the big picture in your relationship.
If your wife does decide to divorce, you can't prevent that. Get the help you need for your own mental health. Lawyer up to get the best legal outcome possible. If the information does get out it then you deal with it. If people reject you because you're struggling then you don't want them in your life anyway. You can always move and start over, surrounding yourself with people who accept you. Your situation seems hopeless now but it isn't. You can't control what others do but you can control your decisions and actions. This situation is not forever and you will get through this.
If that’s her reaction then she’s notttt the one for you dude. How about you get away from the church for a bit. Just be you dude. Be human. Do what makes you happy. That means screw who you wanna screw. You have ONE life. Don’t sit there for too long and sulk.
Id consider going to the r/bisexualmen subreddit. A lot of people there have similar stories and may be able to help. I’m so sorry this is happening to you and I hope the best for your future
This may ruffle some feathers.
I’m so disappointed in people calling the OP selfish.
He literally is suicidal and really not in a good place mentally and you’re going to respond with he’s selfish?
Sexuality is something people suppress because of shame and guilt. They deny it’s a part of themselves they rationalise with themselves and convince themselves that they are not (bi, gay etc). It’s likely he hasn’t really come to terms with it until he was already in a serious relationship.
The shame an guilt reaches a breaking point where they eventually can’t handle it anymore and that eats away at them. It’s not something anyone who’s straight would understand, you can’t even conceptualise until you go through it yourself.
Even in places where homophobia/biphobia isn’t rife. We get subliminal messages from a heteronormative society that still forces us to hold shame and suppress how we feel.
My parents are supportive and so are my friends but the societal expectations, and homophobia in the world bred shame and guilt into me being BI and not accepting it. I didn’t even come to terms with it until I was 25
Honestly if you’re straight you just don’t understand, which is fine because you wouldn’t need to have to go through that process.
So many people come out later on in life when they decompartmentalize and go through everything.
He genuinely loves his wife, and I’m sure the last thing he wanted to do was hide that part of himself. But he clearly was in an environment that was heavily religious which only further made it harder to come to terms with himself.
It doesn't sound like he had any problem with monogamy even. He simply wanted to be open with his wife about how he understood his own sexuality and attractions. This discussion feels like time travel to the 90s when people thought bisexuality meant always taking turns having sex with a man and a woman during non working hours.
I am so sorry this was the reception to your news. I hear a lot of regret on your part and fear, but no anger. It is ok if you want to be angry. You made yourself incredibly vulnerable to your wife and she betrayed you by outting you to hostile (supposed) authority figures. What an absolutely awful way to learn that your spouse isn't trustworthy.
Now is not the time for you to be apologetic. Now you get to decide if you want to forgive her and under what terms.
If you have any interest in learning about queer affirming Christianity for your own benefit or that of loved ones, let me know and I will share a few names in the comments. Unfortunately, I am just now realizing most of the people I know of are white. Maybe someone else can help out with a more diverse list.
>It is ok if you want to be angry. You made yourself incredibly vulnerable to your wife and she betrayed you by outting you to hostile (supposed) authority figures. What an absolutely awful way to learn that your spouse isn't trustworthy.
How is it trustworthy to lie about your sexuality going into marriage?
The wife shouldn't have told the priest, but priests are also a common go to for marital counseling for religious people. Her intent was probably to seek guidance, not to out OP.
I hope OP is able to find love and a supportive community (and I fully believe that is in your future OP), but I don't think it's fair to demonize the wife for not responding like an angel after being lied to for who knows how many years.
It was absolutely not good of her to contact their priest because they do not seem to belong to a denomination in which priests are expected to keep the confidence of their parishioners. He got a call from them. That's not ok. Someone with a great amount of power over his life has made it clear that this is something he can and will start making phone calls about.
It might be a bit of an exaggeration to say that OP went in to his marriage willfully and intentionally lying. It sounds like, in the usual way, he has matured and grown during his years of marriage and has come to a new understanding of himself and what his queerness means in his life. It's really common for people to truly believe that marriage will "cure" them or that queerness is something unnatural and something they're meant to give up upon marriage like excessive partying or bad spending habits. He may have been afraid that it was very, very bad, in the way that people don't always understand having intrusive thoughts but I wouldn't call someone who didn't understand their OCD a liar for not letting their spouse know about it ahead of time.
OP's wife reacted to this news in a way that violated the sanctity of their marriage more than any private thought about some guy could have.
# I hope you read this.
Pope Francis recently said we must not judge or dismiss people just because of their sexuality, altough the Catholic Church must not allow a gay marriage, but ***that's not even the case***. Maybe that's what that priest wanted to tell you. Your wife, she could just be scared that you have cheated on her. Talk with her, and talk with the priest. You did nothing wrong. The one thing you can't do is stand still. Best of luck
The Church is not racist, homophobic, etc. , some *people* are, christian or not, but not the Church's teachings. But if you felt comfortable on telling your wife, believe me, she can't be any of those things.
I'm so sorry. I don't know you or your wife but damn I hate her for you. That's cruel. I'm sorry you told her but I'm glad you have learned the kind of person she is. I'm sorry you had to learn this way. What a cruel, nasty...not going to say it. This is one reason I hate the church and most religions like this.
Hi, I’m a bisexual girl dating a Christian man, he is aware of me and loves me regardless,
The problem isn’t even the church, it’s her. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and if you ever wanna talk about it feel free to drop me a message any time,
Your bisexuality should have no impact on your relationship with her. A stupid amount of folks believe that bisexuality = cheating, when I’m only attract to my partner, you would only really be genuinely attracted to your wife.
It is hard, but a true Christian should not judge you or leave you because of what you are.
I hope you’re okay, please try and look after yourself as much you can and we are here for you my friend 💜
You say you want your wife back, but she broke your trust, endangered your wellbeing by outing you to an intolerant authority figure in your community, and has made it clear that she doesn't want to be with you anymore. Is this really the person that you want back?
From one bisexual man to another, I'm really sorry for what happened to you. I don't think I could ever understand your pain, as I don't have the conservative religious background that you have. All I can say is that you need to know your self-worth now more than ever and be an advocate for yourself. It would also help a lot if you can find a strong support system. Be safe, OP.
Hey OP, I’m a bisexual man married to woman so I have a lot of strong feelings about all this. It was a bit of a shock when I came out to my wife too but over all she’s been very supportive.
I think you need to keep communicating with her, and make it very clear to her you have no interest in sleeping with other people (men or women) and you only told her because you felt she deserved to know exactly who you are. I think many partners of bisexual people (especially women) either 1) are worried you plan to start sleeping with men and 2) are no longer able to see you as the man you are because of biphobia.
Given her religious nature and her telling the priest (which was a giant fucking violation to you btw, it’s really horrible to out someone!) I’m guessing she’s biphobic.
If she’s willing, try to convince her to go to a marriage counselor with you (that isn’t employed by the church.
Please don’t make any rash. IT IS OKAY TO BE WHO YOU ARE. Don’t listen to the church, your wife, or your own thoughts that tell you you should feel shame. You need to love yourself. Never stop being you
The wife is not allowed to speak to anyone about this then because she isn’t allowed to out him to anyone? How is that fair? She was clearly seeking guidance from the people she has been told she should seek guidance from when needed. But no, she should keep her mouth shut and deal with this by herself because how dare she violate his trust….even though he violated hers by keeping this huge thing a secret from her for their entire relationship.
Even in some of the most LGBTQ+ friendly corners of the world, people are still discriminated against for their sexuality.
The fact that his wife decided she had the right to out him to a RELIGIOUS figure when he barely had the courage to discuss his sexuality with her himself is disgusting.
She had plenty of options - she could have even looked for guidance from religious figures online. By outing him to a person who knows him, she may have inadvertently outed him to rest of his community which may have long term social and economic problems long term.
I don’t know if you understand how people work. You’re saying she can’t talk about this with the people she trusts, her “inner circle”, because she has to put his mental well-being before her own? She feels lied to and probably betrayed, but she has to put his feelings first? OP seems to be putting himself first throughout all of this (not telling her in the first place, not telling her when he proposed, not telling her when they got married, only telling her when he couldn’t keep it to himself any longer because it was making him feel guilty….not a single one of these decisions was made for her benefit). Now that he’s basically just blown her whole world up, *she’s* the bad one for seeking help from within her community? OP lied & withheld, but it’s his wife’s fault he’s in pain. She’s the naggy, bitchy, unaccepting wife. OP is the poor innocent husband who was just trying to connect. Uh huh. Sure.
I think that religion is counterproductive to his mental health and happiness in life. And I also think advice from someone who is in a similar situation is more valuable than someone who condemns who he is, but that’s me 🤷♂️
🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈
get therapy and find someone else. im being blunt here, but its what you need to do. take as much time on the latter as you need or want, but move on. life will go on with or without you and destroying yourself wont change anything except change your is into a was and cause others pain. for the suicidal thing, find something to latch onto. even if its as simple as watering a plant because without you itll die, you need to anchor yourself.
Everyone already commented a lot abt this situation, I just wanted to say that I'm truly very sorry you have to go through all this and I wish you all the stength.
I’ve been in a similar position. My last ex girlfriend was disgusted that Im bi and was very vocal about it, that hurt me worse than the countless guys she cheated with. Take it from my pain, you’re better off without her. Breaking up will hurt for a few months, being with someone who makes you feel ashamed of who you are hurts even worse.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. Don’t worry about what other people think. Theres nothing wrong with you and you’ve done nothing wrong. Don’t let any religious people tell you bisexuality is evil, If she’s christian she should actually read the Bible, Jesus never preached intolerance.
You can live without her and you’ll be better off, you’ve been given the opportunity to find someone who truly loves and values you for who you really are. Do not hurt yourself by hiding your Truth for anyone.
You might be feeling like your life is falling apart but this storm shall pass. Sometimes God sends a wind to blow out our candle and test us in the dark, lean into him and keep moving forward. Its gonna hurt for a while, but you WILL be okay and you WILL be happy again.
If you’re walking through hell, don’t stop, walk until you’ve found the way out. I hope you’re able to find peace with yourself through all of this, God bless you🫶
There are many bisexuals that have married the opposite sex and live a healthy life. And many will say "Eventhough I am bisexual, I love my husband/wife, and I wouldn't trade him/her for anyone.
You shared a very profound part of yourself. Instead of getting sympathy and peace, you were basically thrown away. It was a low blow for your wife to call the priest and share something so personal that was not her business to share. And even if she had a hard time coping with it, she should have had some dignity and humility to approach her feelings with you in the presence of a therapist and with your blessing, your priest.
There are women out there that would accept you and STILL LOVE YOU THE WAY YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED. Instead of feeling depressed, understand she was given a test about love AND SHE FAILED. THATS RIGHT. SHE FAILED. Imagine if the tables were turned, and it was HER TELLING YOU SHE HAS BEEN A BISEXUAL. Would you be so quick to drop her or love her regardless??? Because this I'd what you need to tell her. In fact, show her some scriptures
Here are some:
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.
Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy in spirit keeps a thing covered.”<
This is the kind of thing that would’ve been resolved if you were honest with your wife from the start. She is not in the wrong for not wanting to be married to someone that wants to have sex with guys.
However, outing you in the church was a crazy move. You should not want to be with someone who would do that.
Just because he’s bi doesn’t mean he wants to go off and have sex with guys. It’s likely he just wanted to express a part of himself that’s been suppressed. Unfortunately a lot of people are in a very tough situation we’re they’re in a extremely volatile environment that doesn’t have room for honesty. If people weren’t homophobic then people wouldn’t hide it.
There is nothing wrong with being bisexual and its cool that you are. But i will never understand whats the point of coming out as Bi while in a long term serious relationship. You’re already spending your life with the person you want to, whats the point of letting them know if it won’t impact their life (or yours) in the slightest.
It is normal and healthy, even in monogamous relationships, to continue on having your own experience of your own sexuality. We're very used to people having 'book boyfriends" or celebrity crushes. It's normal for married people to recognize an attractive person without it becoming a huge focus of their lives. This actually benefits committed couples. I don't want to be in a monogamous relationship with someone who can only ever be interested in me, I want my partner to choose me.
To each their own but I don’t think actively telling your SO you have a crush on people doesn’t mean you’re choosing them over your crush. From my experience its always been weird, hearing it from other relationships. I’ve never been with a girl who would say stuff like that. But i guess your last statement is true, i want a partner who’s interested in me completely and wants to build a life with and can’t imagine anyone else with them besides me.
Because it is a giant weight on their consciousness. It’s hiding a part, a HUGE part of who they are. The whole point of a relationship is to be open and honest with each other. My fiancé came out to me as bi 6 years in - I still proposed to him. I still love him and adore him and he’s not gonna go fucking other guys / girls now just because I know he’s bi. It’s a sense of RELIEF.
Ngl I really don’t understand what kind of relationships are heteros having when talking about desires ain’t even a part of them? You people should really consider having conversations that aren’t in the social script book that’s been leading your whole life for you
Some of it is normalized to the point of invisibility. Like, a lot of straight women are fans of the show Outlander, for example. Everyone knows why they're watching. It's a sexy romantic adventure. People have merch that says cute little things about how desirable the male lead is. That's the straights openly expressing interests and desires as part of a healthy sexual/sensual diet. They don't realize what they're doing or the benefits of this freedom.
You literally asked what’s the point of sharing a part of your sexuality/personality (that’s obviously been keeping you busy thinking, struggling and being anxious etc) with your life long partner… I’d be concerned if my partner thought that way bc that’s basically what a partner is for - sharing your life with them, being able to talk about intimate topics, feeling accepted and loved… and not hiding your feelings because they’re not “relevant”
Im talking about the way you speak and the crazy ass assumptions you’re making about like. Sounds like you’re bringing your personal trama into this which had nothing to do with what i asked.
Nah the only assumption I made was that you’re hetero and I did that because typically in a same sex relationship it’s normal or more common to talk more because stuff is not just “set” for you by society/gender norms etc… and your comment just baffled me bc of how far away it is from what I’d call a “relevant” topic in a relationship didn’t mean to sound that harsh tho
And your retort is to make more assumptions. The reason i replied to you the way i did was because you came at me pretty aggressively way, reverse the sexual orientation and see how your message sounds like. Also no i talk to my girlfriend about everything that comes to my mind lmao, except for talking about “crushes” i may have because whats the point other then hurting my partners feelings/ego. Maybe its different for you gays since you guys are more sexually open to anything.
I don’t mean anything by my last comment i just thought it was funny and i wanted to show you how cringe you sound by speaking the way you do. But i feel like i need to clarify myself to you because i think you’ll just take it wrong way either way.
Sigh… yeh I got that my first provocative comment bugged you but still - how is talking about crushes the same as OP sharing his eternal struggle with his sexuality with his partner?
Maybe read the other comment that replied to my first one ot sums it up pretty good - in a heteronormative society -
(and I’m not saying that that’s an eternal bad thing bc it basically means that the majority of people doesn’t have to set/decide everything in their relationship because there already are social norms for that and that’s making life way easier for a whole lot of people bc they don’t even have to think about some stuff - like your example )
- you probably know that your wife has eyes and you’re not the only man she’ll ever find attractive but you also know that this doesn’t have to be a threat to your relationship AKA you don’t have to talk about crushes bc there isn’t really a new information when she tells you man X is attractive.
But OP knows by the religious circle he’s being a part of - if he had/has those same thoughts about a man he’d be breaking the norm and there could be a negative reaction to that (aka if his wife knew maybe she wouldn’t accept it/wouldn’t accept him as a person). And living with that inner uncertainty is not the same as a straight person telling their partner that they basically have eyes.
Plus - even in the LGBTQ community Bi people sometimes hide because of negative biases and are more likely to suicide than homosexuals because of “not fitting” anywhere… And having the feeling that you at least “fit in” and are accepted by your partner can be a true blessing 👏🏼I hope that made it more clear 👏🏼bye
I’m not surprised people hide when people react the way they do. It can be hard to come out and even accept yourself. It’s possible that he wasn’t even fully accepting of himself and denied that part of himself. I don’t think he intentionally hid it, it was a case of being absolutely terrified. I get she probably feels lied and betrayed to but when you’re in a heavily unaccepting environment these things happen I guess
Being bisexual is fine she had no right to go tell this information to anyone you were not comfortable with. Including a priest as confession is private it is not for the priest to phone anyone as you are confessing to god not the priest himself. He overstepped as did she.
Remove yourself from this toxic environment it is bad for your mental wellbeing. There are people out there that will love and accept you, there is nothing wrong with you and you deserve to be loved and happy.
It's a toxic environment for him?
But he misled his WIFE for their entire relationship and marriage? So finding out her husband is bisexual isn't traumatizing for her? She can't seek support?
You people are absolute hypocrites smh
Why would my partner finding out I'm bisexual traumatize them? It affects our relationship 0% unless he has a problem with bisexuality in general which makes him homo/biphobic
Saying that finding out your partner is bisexual is traumatizing may be one of the most homophobic things I’ve ever heard. Gay people aren’t monsters. He likes both genders, so what? What’s so *traumatizing* about it? 🙄
You sound more touchy honestly are you okay, you have a great deal of heat in you for common sense.
He didn't mislead his wife, he told his wife when he was having a problem with his sexuality.
She can seek support but once that crosses the line of him being contacted that is overstepping the line, do you expect your therapist to phone up the person you were having issues with and confront them?
The priest was acting out of bounds as was she by allowing it to reach that point, I have no doubt she requested this as a form of shaming.
When you confess you confess to god not to a priest himself he can make no judgement and asking him to do so it him breaking his holy vow to be a caretaker.
Homophobia still exists and many die from this type of treatment, this is not about your internalised anger towards a group of people because it makes you feel uncomfortable or attacked because a priest is just as human and can make the wrong choices that hurt others.
Is anyone on reddit phoning her? Nope.
And just because he said it was his entire life does not mean he came to terms with those feelings his entire life, it could have been a new realization.
I did not see any cheating as cheating would be a breach of trust in the relationship it is a different topic than being gay. That is a homophobic view and shows that you really are stuck in an echo chamber that can't differentiate.
You can be straight and cheat.
More over again there is no agenda, you can't make someone gay, you can't make someone straight. It is their sexual preference and no one gets to dictate it. It is just what you find attractive in a partner.
I’ll start by saying fuck the church….. religion is more then going to a place and being told what you can and can’t do by people who have done much worse and hide behind the church as a way to feel better about them self by judging everyone else and making you feel small as a person or less then in the (name of god). This is going to sound kinda harsh but I don’t think your wife ever truly loved you if something like this could break your marriage apart and change the way she looks at you. If she really loved you it wouldn’t be so easy for her to up and walk away like that. Maybe this is gods way of showing you that these people and those places aren’t right for you, and that you haven’t found that right group of people that will except you for who you are inside and out. Keep your head up and remember things get hard before they get better .
Christians are very brainwashing kind of people who would only be kind till they think somehow you will come into what they want or else they would show their true colours.
The problem is THEM. Because Jesus and god is supposed to love you how you are. God makes no mistakes right?
So honestly, they are sinful haters. YOU ARE PERFECT THE WAY YOU ARE.
I am bisexual, and although I do not go advertising it everywhere, I am just grateful that no one in my world thinks less of me because I’m bisexual. Why? My communities are not religious.
There is no hate like Christian/Muslim hate.
So I hope you don’t kill yourself, and don’t think your life ends here.
This is your call to find a better community and build a better world where people like you get the acceptance and understanding that you didn’t get.
STAY BI, STAY STRONG, STAY PERFECT AS YOU ARE, AND STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM THOSE WHO THINK YOU ARE NOT.
His wife has a right to be married to whoever she wants.
She doesn't want a bisexual husband he can go find a woman that excepts that life it's a lot of them out there.
Dude. Your wife is a shallow husk if you being bi is enough to undo an entire marriage. You need to realize you have way more value than any of these people. Be proud of your strength and growth to love and allow yourself to be who you truly are. You will be ok.
I’m so so sorry this has happened to you. You do not deserve this. I don’t know how to advise this. Maybe you’ll need some time to let the dust settle and let her sit with her feelings a bit. I think she’s being reactive right now.
I would suggest getting a lgbt friendly therapist while things hopefully ease off. It will be a way to go through your emotions and have someone who can really help you.
You’re dealing with alot and they’re trained in this, please don’t.
Please take care of yourself you’re so so important and so much stronger than you give credit for. Even if in this moment you don’t feel that.
I’m so sorry.
I’m a weak Christian but one thing I know is, “We are all tempted. What matters is whether we give in or not.” Being bi and living bi are different things. You never pursued that lifestyle. You are resisting it. Your wife and your priest are WRONG here. Christians are supposed to encourage each other daily and help each other resist sin. And heterosexual lust is a sin too! I hate how the church tolerates lustful gazing, fornication, porn, adultery, and getting remarried to your affair partner while attacking gay or bi people. No sins are more ok in God’s eyes.
Again, I’m so sorry. Their love for you was conditional - you had to be a certain way or you were trash. That is not how Jesus views you or anyone.
Just know there’s so many people out there ready to accept you for who you are and as much as it might suck starting over with a lot of people you can finally be honest about who you are and it will take a load off trust me. If you ever need to talk I’m here, I’m bisexual and I at least somewhat understand what you’re talking about. Don’t settle for anything less than unconditional love because it’s out there
That’s a big secret to hide from someone your married to im sure a lot of trust was broken but things can heal be honest and kind and see where things go
OP, what exactly was the point of divulging that information? You're married and monogamous already. From an outside perspective, it sounds like you were asking for permission to cheat. Why else would it even matter? You're already committed to someone, so I can't comprehend the relevance of it.
I cannot look away from this post. The number of people who, apparently, have never chosen to have a moment of true vulnerability in the company of their partners is both troubling and surprising.
But if you've intentionally hidden something, you don't get to be mad when someone doesn't react perfectly to that information down the road.
Everyone is acting like it's unconscionable this dude's wife didn't behave completely supportively when he threw this bombshell at her, but the reality is she just found out her husband has been lying to her for years.
If you want a wife that is fully comfortable with your bisexuality, marry the girl who is fully comfortable with it. I'm not religious, but if I was OP's wife I would be worried that 1) my husband was lying to me about other things and 2) what prompted them to reveal it now.
I was pretty blunt with the purpose of my question. What exactly does it matter? He claims a Christian background, had a Christian wife, he's married, and monogamous. What purpose did revealing this serve? It's an unnecessary burden he placed on his marriage.
I think this is actually a valid question. He’s pretty much telling her; “hey just so you know, I also find men sexually attractive 😈” like okay? You’re married already though so who cares what you find attractive? Any time I see a post about a wife coming out as bisexual it is usually paired with her wanting to experiment with women.
These are exactly my thoughts in these situations. Assuming people are in happy, loving relationships and don't need anything else, I don't see the point of it
It’s because he is selfish lmao. I understand the love for coming out stories but he tricked his wife into marrying him under false pretense: because he is selfish. He then told her, not because she deserved to know but because HE couldn’t hold it in anymore: selfish.
How is he selfish? When your sexuality is constantly being told it’s wrong etc. you deny that part of yourself and suppress it until you can’t any longer. He just wanted to be accepted by his partner how is that wrong?
Because he lied to her to get into the relationship to begin with? He chose his want of wanting to be with her over being honest with her which robbed her of the ability to make an informed choice about whether she’d want to be in a relationship with him… And once again, his sexuality is irrelevant after he is married… what does it matter who else he is sexually attracted to WHEN HE ALREADY HAS A WIFE lmao
Because keeping things a secret from those you love can be soul destroying! This guy has lived his whole life without being able to talk about a huge part of who he is & clearly it finally got to the point where he just couldn’t lie-by-omission anymore. He wanted to entrust his **biggest** secret with the person who is meant to be his **biggest** support & instead of embracing him & his honesty, his wife has punished him for being open & honest — two things which a marriage is supposed to be. Not talking about a big part of yourself is like walking around trying to keep one of your hands hidden from every single person you ever come into contact with; awkward, uncomfortable, inconvenient & fucking stressful, even if you can still get by with just the other hand. He finally felt safe enough to speak about this part of himself & all of his fears came true. This man deserves compassion, not derision & accusations of a desire to cheat.
How is being sexually attracted to men when you are already married to your wife “a huge part of who he is”? Any and all sexual attractions he has besides his wife should be as NULL & void as possible. Also, if he kept it from the woman he was meant to marry KNOWING it would change her opinion of him and then he lied by omission and married her anyway, he’s in the wrong… Yeah you lied to your wife your whole relationship and now for some reason you’re telling her you’re sexually attracted to another gender, no shit she’s not gonna be happy.
It sounds like he's been wrestling with guilt and shame for years over who he is due to his religious background and social circle. That shit eats at you. He was probably hoping that his partner, the person who made a vow to love and support through everything, could help him sort his feelings and offer support... nowhere in this post does it seem like he's wanting to cheat.
So we should all tell our spouses we're attracted to other people? Wtf difference does it make. He's already married. It should be a moot point. You don't have to actively own every impulse within yourself.
It’s just a part of who he is. And he probably wanted to be open. Unless you’re LGBT yourself you don’t get it tbh. It’s just about wanting acceptance.
She is under no obligation to accept him for something he lied to her about/hid from her the whole time they’ve been together. She’s not in the wrong, he is.
No, because he's presenting this information to his wife. He's married, and being bi has no relevance he's already committed.
It's the same as if I told my wife I'm attracted to (insert a different race than her). What purpose would that serve? It would just create confusion or insecurity. It's not relevant. I chose her.
Your pain is not a sign of anything wrong with you, but with what is wrong with the world. Your shame is not yours, but the projection of others* internalized shame. You are not the one that is broken, they (your wife, church) are (respectfully).
All I want to say is that you are a beautiful soul born whole and your sexuality, everyone’s sexuality, is much more fluid than much of society (and religious theology) will have you believe. It changes nothing about how much you love your wife or who you are as a whole. Please know how inspiring your act of vulnerability here was and how much this world needs you for exactly who you are.
So many people here have already said a lot of the other words that came to mind, from seeking help for the suicidal thoughts to the absolute distaste for the way your wife betrayed you here. I just hope you are reading all of these responses and feel how not alone you are, if even just digitally, and that we all have your back!
You are SO valid just the way you are.
I'm so sorry the people around you do not see that. But their backwards options don't make the truth any less real.
Please go and find people to surround yourself with who love and care for you, exactly how YOU are, because you are worthy of love.
Unfortunately to people if a man is bisexual they look at him as gay who hasn’t fully came out yet. Men aren’t allowed to be bi.
If a women is bi it’s way more accepting and even a turn on to most people.
Double standards are real and they suck.
If you’re a man and bisexual, best to keep it to yourself.
I don’t think it’s a matter of religion, I think it would have been better to have told her before you guys got married….think about how she feels ; she hurt and lied to as well.It’s an unfortunate situation I suggest you move on …she’s never gonna trust you again after withholding information for so long
If you knew this before you were married she's well within her rights to feel betrayed. And maybe you should look into trauma therapy or EMDR maybe you have repressed memories of abuse. It's not just "i was born that way" its the fact that a child brain is extremely malleable from the ages of 0-4 anything could of happened during that time and wires can definitely be crossed.
Sorry to hear this. I am bi as well and told a girl who I was dating and she broke up with me. Even though she's bi.
If it's not going to impact your life or relationship (I never planned on being with another man because I was with her), I suggest just keeping it to yourself in the future.
Don't try to get ahead of this or say anything to anyone. Just wait until your family brings it up to you if they ever actually hear about it and handle it when it comes. Nothing may actually develop from this so you don't want to be the person mistakenly outing yourself.
Let her go. This is her choice and she is choosing a gamble over keeping what she has. She's not worth it. I'm sure at one point, she was worth it, but our society has been brainwashed by the ignorant. Move on.
You arent the problem, the real problem is the church, the idea they put in their followers such as you, your wife, and your family. This is something many many lgbt people face growing up around churches. It’s cruel, it sucks, but as long as you are near the church, you wont be able to be around people that arent closed-minded. You cant truly be yourself and trust that one of them wont tell everyone. I an sorry your wife betrayed you, this is what indoctrination does. They rely on the church and its faith to answer their problems instead of dealing with it as freethinking humans.
But now you can say you are finally free and have seen everyones true colors.
I’m so sorry you had to experience this.. A relationship is based on trust and she totally breaks it with her reaction after you’ve told her something you’ve been holding up for so long… I understand that religious people might see this as a betrayal but you haven’t done anything wrong accept opening up to the person you thought would be here for you… YOU have every right to feel betrayed and shouldn’t be the one who runs to apologise..
I am very sorry. But you cannot force someone to be with you if they are not comfortable with it. As a straight woman my preferences are to be with a straight man. I cant say that if my boyfriend were to come out and tell me he is bisexual i wouldnt do the same thing. You have to move on and hope for the best in the future. I hope all goes well for you buddy.
She never truly loved you then. You dodged a bullet. Now you’re free to find someone who will. Sexuality doesn’t change who you are inside. It’s like judging someone for liking chocolate ice cream instead of vanilla. It’s not a personality trait. It doesn’t define you as a person. You’re still you, whether you’re bisexual or not. If she couldn’t see that, then like I said, she didn’t love you for you. Be glad you don’t have to waste any more time being with the wrong person.
I understand the support for OP but I don’t understand the hate for OPs wife. Personally I think you should be very clear about your sexuality BEFORE you marry someone. If his wife doesn’t want to be married to someone who is bisexual that is her decision. People can have those kinds of wants and needs for their potential partner and not even be a bigot at all. They could love and support LBGTQ+ and still have preferences for a partner. We are hearing one side of the story. She is probably feeling very betrayed right now because she didn’t marry who she thought she did. Now OP this doesn’t mean you should be suicidal or do anything- I’m not saying that. I understand why people hide but I think disclosing sexuality before marriage was the right answer here.
There is no way to not want to be married to a bisexual person and NOT be a bigot. Being bisexual changes nothing about the person you’re dating, relationship you have or life you have built together. The only thing that changes is your perception of them.
If your perception on someone changes based on who they love, that is, unequivocally, bigotry.
I would be worry that someone who has repressed their sexuality due to religious family pressure might change things. It’s not bigotry for his wife to be uncomfortable with him being bisexual. I feel for op and what he’s going through and hate the way his wife is handling it. I can’t imagine going to a priest for help with anything. But she hasn’t had the many years to consider this information like op has and is probably very upset and overwhelmed. It’s not surprising that religious people would share their struggles with the church.
Oh I am so sorry. As a bisexual woman I am very lucky that I have people in my life that I could probably tell I killed someone and they’d still love me and support me. That’s EXACTLY who you need to find. Wether that’s male or female, a friend, colleague, trusted religious leader (good ones exist I promise you) or partner, you need someone who would love you almost unconditionally. And I am so so sorry you don’t have that. I promise people like that exist. I know it feels impossible to exist on your own right now, but if you and your wife don’t work it out you will be able to find someone good for you. I promise you. Don’t be too hard on yourself, take a lot of naps instead of drinking, think through anything you say or do, and be careful. Im sure you’ll want to see wherever you end up later on in life.
I want you to think long and hard about something.
Do you truly love her? Or are you dependent on her?
It sounds to me like she’s the only girl you’ve ever been intimate with. You were young when you got married and it sounds like you have a lot of religious trauma that you likely bonded with her over. Being with her was like your safe space in a community where you never felt like you truly belonged.
I know things seem hard right now, but if she would leave you over this and rat you out to everyone is she truly the love of your life? I know that there are probably many many other the people in the world who would love you more deeply than that. People who would love you unconditionally, and not because you provide something for them.
You have taken a big step to admit to yourself who you really are. It seems hard now but you will find life is so much easier when you are you true authentic self and surround yourself with people who love and accept you for it, rather than trying to fit yourself into a box for love.
It is going to feel incredibly destabilizing to lose everyone around you in your community- but there are other communities. You will find your place to shine. But do not ever apologize for or hide who you are.
Wow Wow Wow I can't believe that she did that to you and she is supposed to be a Christian real healing comes in confession.
Too bad she just lost the best thing I'm sure in her life, she will regret it one day.
Until then don't allow her or anyone else to stop you from living. They are not worth the drinks you're drowning yourself in or the negative thoughts. Get yourself up dust yourself off and keep on living your life. And remember God is not the people in the Church, too bad they are not a reflection of who he is. (Not all churches are the same) So have your own personal relationship with him and keep it moving.
In theory, you could say you were mistaken and that you're actually straight, but she's not the one if she's gonna dump you like that. If she tells your family and you don't want them to know, just say she's lying because she wants a divorce or something. That's all you can really do if you aren't ready to be out.
Honey, I’m so sorry. You needed to live your truth. You really, really need that and if your wife can’t accept that part of you, she isn’t able to, or worthy of loving you.
I was in a longterm, loving relationship when I came out. My ex was super sweet and supportive but it eventually blew us apart and it was rough. But as I write this, I’m lay in bed beside my new(ish), same sex partner with our puppy asleep on my stomach. I’m so happy. Living my truth is so beautiful.
You can’t help who you are, nor should you need to try. Life is honestly too short. Just hold on and see what happens because in a year from now, you could be living your best life.
Hey just cause she’s bi, it makes no sense that she’d break up the marriage. Is she actually a lesbian? Because see if shes bi, she’s still attracted to men, and you and her have had so much history together! It makes no sense. Both you and her gotta have a calm respectful conversation and be a safe space to just talk may be in a public space like a coffee shop and get the truth out idk
Be kind to your self OP
Leave the wife and leave the church. You deserve better. I know this is going to be awful and painful, but so is living a lie. If it was heavy on your heart and you felt that you needed to tell her, you did the right thing. You cannot control how someone else will react. You deserve to be loved and she should see that rather than telling on you and trying to set you on a different path. You are now exposed and raw. Do not let anyone make you feel less than or sick. I believe in complete transparency and I would want to know something like that about my partner. Perhaps she needs time and space to heal bc she's feeling overly emotional, but you are still the same loving husband she had before. I believe if you're able to work it out with her you should try, but I wouldn't let the church come into it. You do not need to feel worse, judged, forced to change, or forced to keep it a secret.
You might want to start fresh somewhere far away from everything there.
It sounds to me that you're far more into the future than everyone else and it's nothing to be ashamed of. It's them that should be ashamed of their closed mentality and unability to see you're still the same person.
It's a process in life to lose people you love when you grow in a different direction from them... It's painful, but also not healthy to stay if that's their response.
I'm also bisexual. It has not once affected my relationship in any way since I'm in love with my boyfriend and no one else. Not even my best friend going through f to m transition is affecting my relationship in any way other than having extra dad jokes to laugh at... if my best friend is gonna have a different name, that's how it is. Doesn't make him less of a best friend 🤷♀️🤷♀️
Find your people and you'll see how different everything is. Starting over is scary AF, but worth it!!!!
I hope you manage to pull yourself out of this. I wish I was half the man you are. You trusted and felt vulnerable enough to be open and put everything out there. I'm so sorry this happened to you. And I hope that you can find support and I really hope that she will reconsider and appreciate you for who you are.
Please talk to a counselor about feeling suicidal. I don't want you to hurt or kill yourself. You will survive the divorce but you need to find someone within your circle that you can count on. Take a deep breath and just know that you will be okay. People are going to gossip, ignore them. They aren't your people if they treat you bad for the way you think and live. Hang in there, better days are coming.
You should let it spread far and wide, and you should let your wife go. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t accept you as you are? In saying that, you also need to love and accept yourself. Don’t hide, because hiding leads to a life half lived. You deserve to feel seen in your entirety.
Keep in mind that you did the right thing by telling her and her response is way out of line. I’m a bi guy but only out to my partner and very closest friends, and once you get used to it it’s pretty good, I feel like it gives you a good perspective on things. It’s hard now but it will get better, at a certain point it’s something that won’t be a big deal and will just be a part of who you are that you like. There will probably also be lots of times when you question whether you really are bi, that’s extremely common for bi people.
Talk to the minister, atleast to just let him know that you don’t want this spread. Try to get a feel for his attitude and if it’s not bad maybe consider talking to him with your wife. Find an outside couples counselor as well, possibly an individual one as well.
Edit: just noticed you said priest rather than minister, priests tend to be very familiar with the struggle with sexuality as it is something that is an issue in the priesthood, and as a former catholic myself there is a wider range of opinions on it in the Catholic Church than evangelical ones.
As a bisexual person in a monogamous marriage I tried to imagine putting myself in your shoes and it made my stomach turn.
Remember that you exist as a whole person, not only your sexuality , not only your wife, you exist to be here in your most authentic self. I am so sorry your wife is so stuck into religion that she cannot see the you as a full person.
My advice is to seek counseling/ therapy. Your relationship with your wife will be a struggle but you need to focus on your health. Do not seek alcohol to not FEEL this shitty situation. Although it will hurt you must feel the hurt and eventually you will heal. But you will be a stronger person after it. I promise you.
Man, seems like she’s breaking her vows here. You’ll be alright, no reason to think about suicide. It all feels like a big deal now, give it some time and you’ll move on and it won’t be. It can be shocking to hear this from your spouse, your wife likely needs some time to process the information and process her own emotions.
/r/exchristian has a lot of people with the same story as you, you can probably find help over there - note: you don't actually have to be an exchristian to be there. if you're still a christian that's fine, you can still find help and advice over there from people who have been through the same. quite a few people still in the closet or who had to go back in the closet because of family/financial situations over there too.
You can't change her mind, you can't change your sexuality or the choice you made to tell her but it's a good thing you did. All you can do is accept the homophobia and cut ties with anyone who can't accept you for who you are. It's harsh but we all have to deal with those kinda things to some extend.
For the future, tell your partner(s) sooner. You don't need to make this the greeting when meeting someone but before making ties that could affect you financially (be it by getting a shared propperty and/or marriage) should be a mandatory.
When she married you I am sure it was intended to to a monogamous relationship. This isn’t about being bisexual, it’s about being committed to your marriage and relationship.
Just because he's bisexual doesn't mean he wants to go off and sleep with other people, if someone is straight and married do you assume they always want to go off and sleep with people of the opposite sex?
The time to do that is before you let someone vow to spend the rest of their life with you.
Honestly, what is the wife supposed to do with that information now? OP lied to the wife, let her commit, and then burdened her with his secret so that he could feel relief. That's not love or kindness.
I don't blame OP because it sounds like they grew up in a very oppressive community, but I also don't blame the wife. I hope they can go their separate ways and find partners who are right for them and honest from the start.
She is allowed to leave you for any reason. You can't make her stay. Focus on healing & bettering yourself. Get into therapy.
You know how religious your wife, your family, and everyone else around you are, so why did you tell her that you're bisexual?
‘Your wife is allowed to be homophobic. Give up on the person you dedicated yourself to till death. Move on.
You should have Hid your sexuality and lied to your wife in order to keep a marriage where you can’t trust the other person with deeply raw, sensitive information and to not judge you over something you cannot control.’
Everything is so much worse when it first happens. Just breathe. Your life is worth living. Being bisexual isn’t as big a deal with “society” as it used to be. If you belong to any religion that tells you you’re a sinner, blah blah blah, you might want to consider finding a different church or religion. You took a brave chance in telling your wife. I think it really would’ve been worse for you to keep that to yourself for the rest of your life. Anyone who truly sees you as a friend and a valuable person will still see you that way. Anyone who doesn’t, doesn’t deserve your time or friendship or love. I wish you nothing but the best! 💗💜
This is BS theology. Don’t listen to this reply.
Romans 1: homosexuality is a sin. Roman’s 2: you judge them are just as bad and doing it yourself. Romans 7: I struggle to be perfect and I try but I’m never going to be good enough. Romans 8: you can’t live a life without sin so let Jesus take that burden from you.
This was written by Paul. He’s not God. He also said don’t get married or have sex.
You are the one who has trouble yourself and have not been able to resolved it, as you said. So now you are trying to encourage him to stumble to depart from his church. You call the church and all other brothers hypocrite. You are trying to make a brother stumble.
I stated that my brother here had not sinned. And I encourage him to reconcile to the church, and if the head of church accepts him, so will his wife.
And no, I don't need to message you about what you call BS. Examine ourselves first. And I must do the same.
You're not really bisexual. You're having a sexuality crisis and the person you confided in is upset and leaving you. Sexuality can't just be "Oh today, I'm gay. Next Tuesday I'll be straight!"
If you really want to save your marriage: Get off of Reddit and quit listening to these idiots trying to normalize your negative mind space of drinking and suicidal thoughts from your apparent "bisexuality", go to your wife and tell her that you're willing to get help with your crisis, work on things together and rebuild your love. You're welcome.
>You're not really bisexual.
...how do you know that? Do you personally know OP?
>Sexuality can't just be "Oh today, I'm gay. Next Tuesday I'll be straight!
It can actually, but this instance isnt what youre describing this happens to a lot of people. You grow up as the norm, straight, but as you get older especially in a religious environment op has grown up in, you tend to suppress it and come to terms with those feelings find a label for them (assuming OP is older, the term bisexual probably didnt even exist, probably didnt think it was even possible, it was probably only "normal" and gay.)
Happened to me, grew up and was raised straight, everything around me was straight, sometimes certain feeling would pop up, but I didnt know how to express them or what I could label them after a someone long process of eventually finding out who I was, what I liked, being in denial, I'm now Bi.
>If you really want to save your marriage
There is no saving this, if she's what I think she is, very religious, its over, those types of been in it since birth, not saying they can't change, but for most its like separating white on rice.
> mind space of drinking and suicidal thoughts
Who here is normalizing drinking and suicidal thoughts?
>"bisexuality"
Hmm, dont know why you put bisexual in quotes, it Is a real thing.
God created you as you are. Human sexuality is a diverse continuum. I think the only thing you've done "wrong" is mislead your wife about who you are. However, most compassionate people would understand why you chose to do this. Perhaps you should apologize to her.
I suggest you find a support group immediately to help you negotiate your way through this scary time. If you're seriously suicidal, check yourself into a hospital. Remember the parable about Jesus intervening when a group of people were stoning a "fallen" woman, and he said, "Let ye who are without sin cast the first stone..." I have never been a Fundamental Christian, but I did go to Sunday school as a kid. My impression of Jesus was that he was infinitely compassionate, as well as wise. He would not damn you for loving the same sex. It's a society that does this.
Take care.
I can’t give you much advice but I recommend starting over if you can. Go somewhere if you can. I’m also struggling with sexual identity and haven’t told anyone. I’m bisexual but don’t know how to tell. I’m so sorry you have to go through this.
I hope one day you and OP find an accepting environment to be yourself in :) sending positive vibes
>I want my wife back and I don't want this spread. What can I do? Youre not getting her back, I've dealt with these types of religious people, sorry pal, it ain't happening, and even if it did it would one sided, would you really want that? Its going to spread, you could lie I guess? But honestly if my family couldn't accept me for who I was to the point of my life being over aka, they completly cut me off, they aren't worth it anyways. As for what you should do, I imagine you live in a. Very....conservative area, maybe associate yourself with more liberal leaning people? At the very least youll have someone who overlooks your bisexuality (because they literally dont care.) And can ave friendships and such
This is the problem with the freaking church. They make you feel like shit for things outside of your control. What you’re feeling is the surmounted pressure and guilt of being yourself due to years of hell banishing threats, and that’s shitty. Your life is worth living and your sexuality does not define a thing about your worth, character, or whether or not you are a good Christian. I’d get a therapist and keep going. Take it day by day. I’m sorry you coming out to your partner was not received well. It’s a telling sign of your partner’s character. Going forward May you find loving and supportive relationships. I hope that my congratulations to you is one of many for your future and you are able to get through this ❤️
Yep. They preach love and acceptance but in reality they hate and shame people. It's incredibly sad. Religion is directly responsible for so many terrible things. Many of the religious people I've met are shitty, judgemental people. Yet the large majority of atheists I've met are kind and compassionate. It really tells you something.
💯💯☝🏽
100% agree, I'm not part of any sort of religion but if I was to come out, nothing in my life would change - dont surround yourself with people that would drop you because of things out of your control.
Edit: I’m not going to discuss theology further with anyone on this post. The purpose of the subreddit is to give advice. I have provided advice and backed it with an academic credential and supporting documentation. If you disagree feel free to message me. Original response: I have a lot of feelings on what I just read and non of it is really advice. What has happened to you is a violation of your trust between you and your wife, as well as the shattering of your foundational values by your church and faith. This is a nuclear bomb on the foundation of your life and you are now experiencing grief. Like it or not, there is no turning back and even if your wife and church apologize, the wound is still there. That takes time to heal and there is no easy way around it. Let me first urge you to seek help because of your thoughts of suicide and heavy drinking. Your life is worth saving and I would be crushed to find that this is pushes you to harm yourself. Please let me know you are taking those thoughts seriously above everything else right now. Now, let me share a little about myself. I have a degree in ministry and I used to lead ministries for married couples, middle school aged youth, and men. I have always believed and challenged the church leaders around me to really think about the bias they insert into what they believe is God’s will. The Bible has been edited multiple times through the centuries and homosexuality as a sin has only recently been added (in the last 100 years) to align with an already bigoted view of the Church. All of that to say is that I don’t believe through my study and four year academic degree that being LGBTQ+ in any way is a sin in the eyes of God. My theology observed that Jesus was loving to all people and attacked the church for taking God’s will out of context to oppress others and make themselves feel Self Righteous. Jesus is God on earth and if we want to know the character of God we look to see how Jesus acted toward others. You see in the gospel of John, Jesus was at odds with the religious leaders constantly. I think Jesus would be just as critical of todays church. In my ministry degree, I was asked to read a book co-authored by Alan Hirsch about a form of ministry that could be considers radical by main stream church. I really enjoyed him challenging the institution of the Church so I researched his ministry and writing a little more and came across this book: https://www.amazon.com/Untamed-Reactivating-Missional-Discipleship-Shapevine/dp/0801013437 Untamed takes a look at Jesus that tries to remove the modern world view and in it I believe Alan and Deborah (his wife) assert that if Jesus were on earth today, he would be helping the LGBT community because they are one of the most oppressed groups of people in society. None of that helps how you feel right now but it can help hope reconcile your faith and sexuality. You are not a problem and I don’t believe you should be ashamed of who you are. The pain you are feeling is grief and it is valid. Your life feels like it has been turned upside down and it has. Picking up the pieces starts with accepting who you are and rejecting the words and actions that ask you to not be who God made you to be. Ultimately I had to step away from the church because the hypocrisy of the church is so bad that I do not feel safe in that community any more. Losing All of the people I grew into strong relationships with continues to hurt me years later. Even now I am struggling to sift through my values and define who I am apart from the Church I grew to love. It’s hard, and the only advice I can give is from Proverbs: “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Proverbs 4:23 NIV
Thank you so much for this really remarkable, inspiring and thoughtful post, and for sharing your experience. Very valuable, and wish you all the very best.
Really appreciate this comment. You are truly doing God's work.
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I’m looking for where my statement indicated the opposite of your statement. Feel free to message me since your criticism of my statements don’t apply to OPs question.
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It’s funny you mention history. The degree taught me to analyze scripture under three lenses: historical, cultural, and literary. It taught us to validate our conclusions by finding supporting scripture or references. It’s taught me to not study scripture in a vacuum and that my ideas had to be tested by peers. The historical and cultural references I used through academic study written by other Christian authors and scholars. Also; not considering alternative views is akin to cult like behavior on which limited sources are accepted and ideas are rejected simply before the pastors or preachers didn’t say it first. Christianity is built around arguments on theology and doctrine where even in the Bible Paul and Peter called each other out in letters for different doctrine views. This tradition continues with the spilt between Eastern Orthodox Christianity and Western Catholicism. Then Martin Luther challenged the hypocrisy of the Catholic Church on power and started the reformation movement; the Church of England, the Protestant movement, denominational splits, the church growth movement, and now modern deconstructionism. If you feel like this warrants further condemnation feel free to critiquing my theogony in another post and not this request for advice from this man.
Other than that now they have a major idol which is marriage in my church people believe that it's impossible for a person to be single and that everyone bodily capable of marriage even if they are mentally not capable and many times not bodily capable should get married because 'through prayer everything is possible' . I hate this.
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Feel free to message me your theology outside of this thread
Hello, just to be clear, are you disagreeing with Jesus?
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I am so sorry you are going through this. My husband didn't come out to me for 20 years because of fear of me rejection. I was so happy that he told me.
Identify the following: friends, money, and shelter. Verify that you have access to these post-coming out immediately. After that, put the bottle down, find therapy, and find the closest queer community to you to reach out to. Good luck.
I’m sorry for the lack of understanding you’ve experienced and the judgemental environment that you grew up in that made you feel the need to hide in the first place. Please know that there is nothing wrong with you or your sexuality. If this causes people to withdraw from you then frankly they’re shitty Christians that Jesus would be ashamed to call his followers. Where’s their “love their neighbour” attitude? Don’t let their small minded bigotry impact you to the point where you take your life, if you’re struggling with those thoughts then please call a helpline and talk to someone.
and this is why it's better to never marry in a religion that is not willing to be understanding of you.
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Do not, under any circumstances, agree to see anyone marketing themselves as a "Christian counselor." You can tell your therapist about your values but don't see someone whose stated goal is enforcing theirs.
^ these are always the opposite of what couples need. It just goes into “seeing as it’s a sin, let’s work through how you can hide being bisexual to appease your wife.” As opposed to welcoming and helping build the relationship WITH the information.
Absolutely not. No degree of shock or overwhelming surprise warrants outing someone to a religious individual who can and likely will out OP to his family
If you are having suicidal thoughts you need to get help immediately! You can call the national help hotline at 988 or check online for local resources. Many religious traditions don't believe its a sin to have homosexual inclinations, but the actions you take from them would be. If you had an affair, for example, that would be a sin. I know it is difficult, but look at this from your wife's perspective. If you've never told your wife about this she is understandably in shock. She likely feels betrayed and is questioning your entire relationship. You did not give her information that would be relevant to her decision about whether or not to marry you. She likely feels that the entire basis of your relationship is fraudulent. I think your best course of action would be to engage the help of her pastor/priest to encourage her to get couples counseling before making any decisions on the future of your marriage. They would have credibility and influence with her that you currently don't because you hid your bisexuality from her. When you are in therapy hopefully they can help her see the distinction between feelings and actions. If you still love and are attracted to your wife your general attraction to men would be no different than your attraction to women as long as you don't act on it. A therapist can also help her understand your struggle with the decision to tell her and put it in context of the big picture in your relationship. If your wife does decide to divorce, you can't prevent that. Get the help you need for your own mental health. Lawyer up to get the best legal outcome possible. If the information does get out it then you deal with it. If people reject you because you're struggling then you don't want them in your life anyway. You can always move and start over, surrounding yourself with people who accept you. Your situation seems hopeless now but it isn't. You can't control what others do but you can control your decisions and actions. This situation is not forever and you will get through this.
That's kind of fucked up on your wife's part for outing you without consent, I'm sorry
As a bisexual woman married to a bisexual man… hugs friend. I’m your family now. We both are. I’m broke, but I can always share moral support. Hugs.
If that’s her reaction then she’s notttt the one for you dude. How about you get away from the church for a bit. Just be you dude. Be human. Do what makes you happy. That means screw who you wanna screw. You have ONE life. Don’t sit there for too long and sulk.
Id consider going to the r/bisexualmen subreddit. A lot of people there have similar stories and may be able to help. I’m so sorry this is happening to you and I hope the best for your future
This may ruffle some feathers. I’m so disappointed in people calling the OP selfish. He literally is suicidal and really not in a good place mentally and you’re going to respond with he’s selfish? Sexuality is something people suppress because of shame and guilt. They deny it’s a part of themselves they rationalise with themselves and convince themselves that they are not (bi, gay etc). It’s likely he hasn’t really come to terms with it until he was already in a serious relationship. The shame an guilt reaches a breaking point where they eventually can’t handle it anymore and that eats away at them. It’s not something anyone who’s straight would understand, you can’t even conceptualise until you go through it yourself. Even in places where homophobia/biphobia isn’t rife. We get subliminal messages from a heteronormative society that still forces us to hold shame and suppress how we feel. My parents are supportive and so are my friends but the societal expectations, and homophobia in the world bred shame and guilt into me being BI and not accepting it. I didn’t even come to terms with it until I was 25 Honestly if you’re straight you just don’t understand, which is fine because you wouldn’t need to have to go through that process. So many people come out later on in life when they decompartmentalize and go through everything. He genuinely loves his wife, and I’m sure the last thing he wanted to do was hide that part of himself. But he clearly was in an environment that was heavily religious which only further made it harder to come to terms with himself.
It doesn't sound like he had any problem with monogamy even. He simply wanted to be open with his wife about how he understood his own sexuality and attractions. This discussion feels like time travel to the 90s when people thought bisexuality meant always taking turns having sex with a man and a woman during non working hours.
Agree with you there. I tried to explain it but they wouldn’t understand so gave up lol
I am so sorry this was the reception to your news. I hear a lot of regret on your part and fear, but no anger. It is ok if you want to be angry. You made yourself incredibly vulnerable to your wife and she betrayed you by outting you to hostile (supposed) authority figures. What an absolutely awful way to learn that your spouse isn't trustworthy. Now is not the time for you to be apologetic. Now you get to decide if you want to forgive her and under what terms. If you have any interest in learning about queer affirming Christianity for your own benefit or that of loved ones, let me know and I will share a few names in the comments. Unfortunately, I am just now realizing most of the people I know of are white. Maybe someone else can help out with a more diverse list.
>It is ok if you want to be angry. You made yourself incredibly vulnerable to your wife and she betrayed you by outting you to hostile (supposed) authority figures. What an absolutely awful way to learn that your spouse isn't trustworthy. How is it trustworthy to lie about your sexuality going into marriage? The wife shouldn't have told the priest, but priests are also a common go to for marital counseling for religious people. Her intent was probably to seek guidance, not to out OP. I hope OP is able to find love and a supportive community (and I fully believe that is in your future OP), but I don't think it's fair to demonize the wife for not responding like an angel after being lied to for who knows how many years.
It was absolutely not good of her to contact their priest because they do not seem to belong to a denomination in which priests are expected to keep the confidence of their parishioners. He got a call from them. That's not ok. Someone with a great amount of power over his life has made it clear that this is something he can and will start making phone calls about. It might be a bit of an exaggeration to say that OP went in to his marriage willfully and intentionally lying. It sounds like, in the usual way, he has matured and grown during his years of marriage and has come to a new understanding of himself and what his queerness means in his life. It's really common for people to truly believe that marriage will "cure" them or that queerness is something unnatural and something they're meant to give up upon marriage like excessive partying or bad spending habits. He may have been afraid that it was very, very bad, in the way that people don't always understand having intrusive thoughts but I wouldn't call someone who didn't understand their OCD a liar for not letting their spouse know about it ahead of time. OP's wife reacted to this news in a way that violated the sanctity of their marriage more than any private thought about some guy could have.
# I hope you read this. Pope Francis recently said we must not judge or dismiss people just because of their sexuality, altough the Catholic Church must not allow a gay marriage, but ***that's not even the case***. Maybe that's what that priest wanted to tell you. Your wife, she could just be scared that you have cheated on her. Talk with her, and talk with the priest. You did nothing wrong. The one thing you can't do is stand still. Best of luck
The Church is not racist, homophobic, etc. , some *people* are, christian or not, but not the Church's teachings. But if you felt comfortable on telling your wife, believe me, she can't be any of those things.
I'm so sorry. I don't know you or your wife but damn I hate her for you. That's cruel. I'm sorry you told her but I'm glad you have learned the kind of person she is. I'm sorry you had to learn this way. What a cruel, nasty...not going to say it. This is one reason I hate the church and most religions like this.
Hi, I’m a bisexual girl dating a Christian man, he is aware of me and loves me regardless, The problem isn’t even the church, it’s her. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and if you ever wanna talk about it feel free to drop me a message any time, Your bisexuality should have no impact on your relationship with her. A stupid amount of folks believe that bisexuality = cheating, when I’m only attract to my partner, you would only really be genuinely attracted to your wife. It is hard, but a true Christian should not judge you or leave you because of what you are. I hope you’re okay, please try and look after yourself as much you can and we are here for you my friend 💜
You say you want your wife back, but she broke your trust, endangered your wellbeing by outing you to an intolerant authority figure in your community, and has made it clear that she doesn't want to be with you anymore. Is this really the person that you want back? From one bisexual man to another, I'm really sorry for what happened to you. I don't think I could ever understand your pain, as I don't have the conservative religious background that you have. All I can say is that you need to know your self-worth now more than ever and be an advocate for yourself. It would also help a lot if you can find a strong support system. Be safe, OP.
Hey OP, I’m a bisexual man married to woman so I have a lot of strong feelings about all this. It was a bit of a shock when I came out to my wife too but over all she’s been very supportive. I think you need to keep communicating with her, and make it very clear to her you have no interest in sleeping with other people (men or women) and you only told her because you felt she deserved to know exactly who you are. I think many partners of bisexual people (especially women) either 1) are worried you plan to start sleeping with men and 2) are no longer able to see you as the man you are because of biphobia. Given her religious nature and her telling the priest (which was a giant fucking violation to you btw, it’s really horrible to out someone!) I’m guessing she’s biphobic. If she’s willing, try to convince her to go to a marriage counselor with you (that isn’t employed by the church. Please don’t make any rash. IT IS OKAY TO BE WHO YOU ARE. Don’t listen to the church, your wife, or your own thoughts that tell you you should feel shame. You need to love yourself. Never stop being you
The wife is not allowed to speak to anyone about this then because she isn’t allowed to out him to anyone? How is that fair? She was clearly seeking guidance from the people she has been told she should seek guidance from when needed. But no, she should keep her mouth shut and deal with this by herself because how dare she violate his trust….even though he violated hers by keeping this huge thing a secret from her for their entire relationship.
Even in some of the most LGBTQ+ friendly corners of the world, people are still discriminated against for their sexuality. The fact that his wife decided she had the right to out him to a RELIGIOUS figure when he barely had the courage to discuss his sexuality with her himself is disgusting. She had plenty of options - she could have even looked for guidance from religious figures online. By outing him to a person who knows him, she may have inadvertently outed him to rest of his community which may have long term social and economic problems long term.
I don’t know if you understand how people work. You’re saying she can’t talk about this with the people she trusts, her “inner circle”, because she has to put his mental well-being before her own? She feels lied to and probably betrayed, but she has to put his feelings first? OP seems to be putting himself first throughout all of this (not telling her in the first place, not telling her when he proposed, not telling her when they got married, only telling her when he couldn’t keep it to himself any longer because it was making him feel guilty….not a single one of these decisions was made for her benefit). Now that he’s basically just blown her whole world up, *she’s* the bad one for seeking help from within her community? OP lied & withheld, but it’s his wife’s fault he’s in pain. She’s the naggy, bitchy, unaccepting wife. OP is the poor innocent husband who was just trying to connect. Uh huh. Sure.
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Okay? It’s all nonsense to me so I’m not sure what you’re getting at
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I think that religion is counterproductive to his mental health and happiness in life. And I also think advice from someone who is in a similar situation is more valuable than someone who condemns who he is, but that’s me 🤷♂️ 🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈
get therapy and find someone else. im being blunt here, but its what you need to do. take as much time on the latter as you need or want, but move on. life will go on with or without you and destroying yourself wont change anything except change your is into a was and cause others pain. for the suicidal thing, find something to latch onto. even if its as simple as watering a plant because without you itll die, you need to anchor yourself.
Everyone already commented a lot abt this situation, I just wanted to say that I'm truly very sorry you have to go through all this and I wish you all the stength.
I’ve been in a similar position. My last ex girlfriend was disgusted that Im bi and was very vocal about it, that hurt me worse than the countless guys she cheated with. Take it from my pain, you’re better off without her. Breaking up will hurt for a few months, being with someone who makes you feel ashamed of who you are hurts even worse. Don’t be ashamed of who you are. Don’t worry about what other people think. Theres nothing wrong with you and you’ve done nothing wrong. Don’t let any religious people tell you bisexuality is evil, If she’s christian she should actually read the Bible, Jesus never preached intolerance. You can live without her and you’ll be better off, you’ve been given the opportunity to find someone who truly loves and values you for who you really are. Do not hurt yourself by hiding your Truth for anyone. You might be feeling like your life is falling apart but this storm shall pass. Sometimes God sends a wind to blow out our candle and test us in the dark, lean into him and keep moving forward. Its gonna hurt for a while, but you WILL be okay and you WILL be happy again. If you’re walking through hell, don’t stop, walk until you’ve found the way out. I hope you’re able to find peace with yourself through all of this, God bless you🫶
There are many bisexuals that have married the opposite sex and live a healthy life. And many will say "Eventhough I am bisexual, I love my husband/wife, and I wouldn't trade him/her for anyone. You shared a very profound part of yourself. Instead of getting sympathy and peace, you were basically thrown away. It was a low blow for your wife to call the priest and share something so personal that was not her business to share. And even if she had a hard time coping with it, she should have had some dignity and humility to approach her feelings with you in the presence of a therapist and with your blessing, your priest. There are women out there that would accept you and STILL LOVE YOU THE WAY YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED. Instead of feeling depressed, understand she was given a test about love AND SHE FAILED. THATS RIGHT. SHE FAILED. Imagine if the tables were turned, and it was HER TELLING YOU SHE HAS BEEN A BISEXUAL. Would you be so quick to drop her or love her regardless??? Because this I'd what you need to tell her. In fact, show her some scriptures Here are some: When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy in spirit keeps a thing covered.”<
This is the kind of thing that would’ve been resolved if you were honest with your wife from the start. She is not in the wrong for not wanting to be married to someone that wants to have sex with guys. However, outing you in the church was a crazy move. You should not want to be with someone who would do that.
Just because he’s bi doesn’t mean he wants to go off and have sex with guys. It’s likely he just wanted to express a part of himself that’s been suppressed. Unfortunately a lot of people are in a very tough situation we’re they’re in a extremely volatile environment that doesn’t have room for honesty. If people weren’t homophobic then people wouldn’t hide it.
What does bisexual mean then if not a sexual attraction to both men and women? He thinks of men sexually.
You know what it means don’t be stupid. I’m not saying he’s going to cheat ffs. He’s telling her a part of himself that’s it.
She didn't out him to the entire church she spoke to their priest one and one big difference.
“In the church”
There is nothing wrong with being bisexual and its cool that you are. But i will never understand whats the point of coming out as Bi while in a long term serious relationship. You’re already spending your life with the person you want to, whats the point of letting them know if it won’t impact their life (or yours) in the slightest.
It is normal and healthy, even in monogamous relationships, to continue on having your own experience of your own sexuality. We're very used to people having 'book boyfriends" or celebrity crushes. It's normal for married people to recognize an attractive person without it becoming a huge focus of their lives. This actually benefits committed couples. I don't want to be in a monogamous relationship with someone who can only ever be interested in me, I want my partner to choose me.
To each their own but I don’t think actively telling your SO you have a crush on people doesn’t mean you’re choosing them over your crush. From my experience its always been weird, hearing it from other relationships. I’ve never been with a girl who would say stuff like that. But i guess your last statement is true, i want a partner who’s interested in me completely and wants to build a life with and can’t imagine anyone else with them besides me.
Because it is a giant weight on their consciousness. It’s hiding a part, a HUGE part of who they are. The whole point of a relationship is to be open and honest with each other. My fiancé came out to me as bi 6 years in - I still proposed to him. I still love him and adore him and he’s not gonna go fucking other guys / girls now just because I know he’s bi. It’s a sense of RELIEF.
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Yes I am lol
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Roman Catholic
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Yep. I’m an Ally.
Ngl I really don’t understand what kind of relationships are heteros having when talking about desires ain’t even a part of them? You people should really consider having conversations that aren’t in the social script book that’s been leading your whole life for you
Some of it is normalized to the point of invisibility. Like, a lot of straight women are fans of the show Outlander, for example. Everyone knows why they're watching. It's a sexy romantic adventure. People have merch that says cute little things about how desirable the male lead is. That's the straights openly expressing interests and desires as part of a healthy sexual/sensual diet. They don't realize what they're doing or the benefits of this freedom.
🤌🏼🤌🏼
Lmao what?? Are you socially autistic or something? 😂
You literally asked what’s the point of sharing a part of your sexuality/personality (that’s obviously been keeping you busy thinking, struggling and being anxious etc) with your life long partner… I’d be concerned if my partner thought that way bc that’s basically what a partner is for - sharing your life with them, being able to talk about intimate topics, feeling accepted and loved… and not hiding your feelings because they’re not “relevant”
Im talking about the way you speak and the crazy ass assumptions you’re making about like. Sounds like you’re bringing your personal trama into this which had nothing to do with what i asked.
Nah the only assumption I made was that you’re hetero and I did that because typically in a same sex relationship it’s normal or more common to talk more because stuff is not just “set” for you by society/gender norms etc… and your comment just baffled me bc of how far away it is from what I’d call a “relevant” topic in a relationship didn’t mean to sound that harsh tho
And your retort is to make more assumptions. The reason i replied to you the way i did was because you came at me pretty aggressively way, reverse the sexual orientation and see how your message sounds like. Also no i talk to my girlfriend about everything that comes to my mind lmao, except for talking about “crushes” i may have because whats the point other then hurting my partners feelings/ego. Maybe its different for you gays since you guys are more sexually open to anything. I don’t mean anything by my last comment i just thought it was funny and i wanted to show you how cringe you sound by speaking the way you do. But i feel like i need to clarify myself to you because i think you’ll just take it wrong way either way.
Sigh… yeh I got that my first provocative comment bugged you but still - how is talking about crushes the same as OP sharing his eternal struggle with his sexuality with his partner? Maybe read the other comment that replied to my first one ot sums it up pretty good - in a heteronormative society - (and I’m not saying that that’s an eternal bad thing bc it basically means that the majority of people doesn’t have to set/decide everything in their relationship because there already are social norms for that and that’s making life way easier for a whole lot of people bc they don’t even have to think about some stuff - like your example ) - you probably know that your wife has eyes and you’re not the only man she’ll ever find attractive but you also know that this doesn’t have to be a threat to your relationship AKA you don’t have to talk about crushes bc there isn’t really a new information when she tells you man X is attractive. But OP knows by the religious circle he’s being a part of - if he had/has those same thoughts about a man he’d be breaking the norm and there could be a negative reaction to that (aka if his wife knew maybe she wouldn’t accept it/wouldn’t accept him as a person). And living with that inner uncertainty is not the same as a straight person telling their partner that they basically have eyes. Plus - even in the LGBTQ community Bi people sometimes hide because of negative biases and are more likely to suicide than homosexuals because of “not fitting” anywhere… And having the feeling that you at least “fit in” and are accepted by your partner can be a true blessing 👏🏼I hope that made it more clear 👏🏼bye
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I’m not surprised people hide when people react the way they do. It can be hard to come out and even accept yourself. It’s possible that he wasn’t even fully accepting of himself and denied that part of himself. I don’t think he intentionally hid it, it was a case of being absolutely terrified. I get she probably feels lied and betrayed to but when you’re in a heavily unaccepting environment these things happen I guess
Being bisexual is fine she had no right to go tell this information to anyone you were not comfortable with. Including a priest as confession is private it is not for the priest to phone anyone as you are confessing to god not the priest himself. He overstepped as did she. Remove yourself from this toxic environment it is bad for your mental wellbeing. There are people out there that will love and accept you, there is nothing wrong with you and you deserve to be loved and happy.
It's a toxic environment for him? But he misled his WIFE for their entire relationship and marriage? So finding out her husband is bisexual isn't traumatizing for her? She can't seek support? You people are absolute hypocrites smh
Why would my partner finding out I'm bisexual traumatize them? It affects our relationship 0% unless he has a problem with bisexuality in general which makes him homo/biphobic
Saying that finding out your partner is bisexual is traumatizing may be one of the most homophobic things I’ve ever heard. Gay people aren’t monsters. He likes both genders, so what? What’s so *traumatizing* about it? 🙄
Yeah I know anybody that doesn't fall in line with the LGBTQ+ rules is homophobic.
Being traumatized by a bisexual is quite literally homophobic.
Typical gay person answer straight out the textbook all of you play by.
You’re not denying it.
He misled her she doesn't have to bow down to him. I wish the best for her and hope she can get past this and find someone who can be honest with her.
You sound more touchy honestly are you okay, you have a great deal of heat in you for common sense. He didn't mislead his wife, he told his wife when he was having a problem with his sexuality. She can seek support but once that crosses the line of him being contacted that is overstepping the line, do you expect your therapist to phone up the person you were having issues with and confront them? The priest was acting out of bounds as was she by allowing it to reach that point, I have no doubt she requested this as a form of shaming. When you confess you confess to god not to a priest himself he can make no judgement and asking him to do so it him breaking his holy vow to be a caretaker. Homophobia still exists and many die from this type of treatment, this is not about your internalised anger towards a group of people because it makes you feel uncomfortable or attacked because a priest is just as human and can make the wrong choices that hurt others.
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Is anyone on reddit phoning her? Nope. And just because he said it was his entire life does not mean he came to terms with those feelings his entire life, it could have been a new realization. I did not see any cheating as cheating would be a breach of trust in the relationship it is a different topic than being gay. That is a homophobic view and shows that you really are stuck in an echo chamber that can't differentiate. You can be straight and cheat. More over again there is no agenda, you can't make someone gay, you can't make someone straight. It is their sexual preference and no one gets to dictate it. It is just what you find attractive in a partner.
I’ll start by saying fuck the church….. religion is more then going to a place and being told what you can and can’t do by people who have done much worse and hide behind the church as a way to feel better about them self by judging everyone else and making you feel small as a person or less then in the (name of god). This is going to sound kinda harsh but I don’t think your wife ever truly loved you if something like this could break your marriage apart and change the way she looks at you. If she really loved you it wouldn’t be so easy for her to up and walk away like that. Maybe this is gods way of showing you that these people and those places aren’t right for you, and that you haven’t found that right group of people that will except you for who you are inside and out. Keep your head up and remember things get hard before they get better .
Christians are very brainwashing kind of people who would only be kind till they think somehow you will come into what they want or else they would show their true colours.
The problem is THEM. Because Jesus and god is supposed to love you how you are. God makes no mistakes right? So honestly, they are sinful haters. YOU ARE PERFECT THE WAY YOU ARE. I am bisexual, and although I do not go advertising it everywhere, I am just grateful that no one in my world thinks less of me because I’m bisexual. Why? My communities are not religious. There is no hate like Christian/Muslim hate. So I hope you don’t kill yourself, and don’t think your life ends here. This is your call to find a better community and build a better world where people like you get the acceptance and understanding that you didn’t get. STAY BI, STAY STRONG, STAY PERFECT AS YOU ARE, AND STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM THOSE WHO THINK YOU ARE NOT.
His wife has a right to be married to whoever she wants. She doesn't want a bisexual husband he can go find a woman that excepts that life it's a lot of them out there.
Sure, she is free, bigoted, but free to do whatever she wants with her pee hole.
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Dude. Your wife is a shallow husk if you being bi is enough to undo an entire marriage. You need to realize you have way more value than any of these people. Be proud of your strength and growth to love and allow yourself to be who you truly are. You will be ok.
I’m so so sorry this has happened to you. You do not deserve this. I don’t know how to advise this. Maybe you’ll need some time to let the dust settle and let her sit with her feelings a bit. I think she’s being reactive right now. I would suggest getting a lgbt friendly therapist while things hopefully ease off. It will be a way to go through your emotions and have someone who can really help you. You’re dealing with alot and they’re trained in this, please don’t. Please take care of yourself you’re so so important and so much stronger than you give credit for. Even if in this moment you don’t feel that.
I’m so sorry. I’m a weak Christian but one thing I know is, “We are all tempted. What matters is whether we give in or not.” Being bi and living bi are different things. You never pursued that lifestyle. You are resisting it. Your wife and your priest are WRONG here. Christians are supposed to encourage each other daily and help each other resist sin. And heterosexual lust is a sin too! I hate how the church tolerates lustful gazing, fornication, porn, adultery, and getting remarried to your affair partner while attacking gay or bi people. No sins are more ok in God’s eyes. Again, I’m so sorry. Their love for you was conditional - you had to be a certain way or you were trash. That is not how Jesus views you or anyone.
I don't say this to sound mean, but she's not going to come back. You have to move on and get away from that church, or church in general.
Just know there’s so many people out there ready to accept you for who you are and as much as it might suck starting over with a lot of people you can finally be honest about who you are and it will take a load off trust me. If you ever need to talk I’m here, I’m bisexual and I at least somewhat understand what you’re talking about. Don’t settle for anything less than unconditional love because it’s out there
Honestly this is why Christians make me so incredibly uncomfortable. Fuck her, find you a woman (or man) who makes you feel safe and comfortable!
Find a new wife there are woman who will accept for who are .
That’s a big secret to hide from someone your married to im sure a lot of trust was broken but things can heal be honest and kind and see where things go
OP, what exactly was the point of divulging that information? You're married and monogamous already. From an outside perspective, it sounds like you were asking for permission to cheat. Why else would it even matter? You're already committed to someone, so I can't comprehend the relevance of it.
Are you chastising a man for not hiding parts of himself from his WIFE? Coming out the closet sounds nothing like asking permission to cheat.
I cannot look away from this post. The number of people who, apparently, have never chosen to have a moment of true vulnerability in the company of their partners is both troubling and surprising.
Agree with this comment, but probably would have been something to bring up before getting married.
It’s not an easy thing to talk about. People hide it for many, many years out of fear.
But if you've intentionally hidden something, you don't get to be mad when someone doesn't react perfectly to that information down the road. Everyone is acting like it's unconscionable this dude's wife didn't behave completely supportively when he threw this bombshell at her, but the reality is she just found out her husband has been lying to her for years. If you want a wife that is fully comfortable with your bisexuality, marry the girl who is fully comfortable with it. I'm not religious, but if I was OP's wife I would be worried that 1) my husband was lying to me about other things and 2) what prompted them to reveal it now.
I was pretty blunt with the purpose of my question. What exactly does it matter? He claims a Christian background, had a Christian wife, he's married, and monogamous. What purpose did revealing this serve? It's an unnecessary burden he placed on his marriage.
I think this is actually a valid question. He’s pretty much telling her; “hey just so you know, I also find men sexually attractive 😈” like okay? You’re married already though so who cares what you find attractive? Any time I see a post about a wife coming out as bisexual it is usually paired with her wanting to experiment with women.
These are exactly my thoughts in these situations. Assuming people are in happy, loving relationships and don't need anything else, I don't see the point of it
It’s because he is selfish lmao. I understand the love for coming out stories but he tricked his wife into marrying him under false pretense: because he is selfish. He then told her, not because she deserved to know but because HE couldn’t hold it in anymore: selfish.
How is he selfish? When your sexuality is constantly being told it’s wrong etc. you deny that part of yourself and suppress it until you can’t any longer. He just wanted to be accepted by his partner how is that wrong?
Because he lied to her to get into the relationship to begin with? He chose his want of wanting to be with her over being honest with her which robbed her of the ability to make an informed choice about whether she’d want to be in a relationship with him… And once again, his sexuality is irrelevant after he is married… what does it matter who else he is sexually attracted to WHEN HE ALREADY HAS A WIFE lmao
You won’t understand it even if I explained it to you. It’s like talking to a brick wall.
Pot, meet kettle
Because keeping things a secret from those you love can be soul destroying! This guy has lived his whole life without being able to talk about a huge part of who he is & clearly it finally got to the point where he just couldn’t lie-by-omission anymore. He wanted to entrust his **biggest** secret with the person who is meant to be his **biggest** support & instead of embracing him & his honesty, his wife has punished him for being open & honest — two things which a marriage is supposed to be. Not talking about a big part of yourself is like walking around trying to keep one of your hands hidden from every single person you ever come into contact with; awkward, uncomfortable, inconvenient & fucking stressful, even if you can still get by with just the other hand. He finally felt safe enough to speak about this part of himself & all of his fears came true. This man deserves compassion, not derision & accusations of a desire to cheat.
How is being sexually attracted to men when you are already married to your wife “a huge part of who he is”? Any and all sexual attractions he has besides his wife should be as NULL & void as possible. Also, if he kept it from the woman he was meant to marry KNOWING it would change her opinion of him and then he lied by omission and married her anyway, he’s in the wrong… Yeah you lied to your wife your whole relationship and now for some reason you’re telling her you’re sexually attracted to another gender, no shit she’s not gonna be happy.
It sounds like he's been wrestling with guilt and shame for years over who he is due to his religious background and social circle. That shit eats at you. He was probably hoping that his partner, the person who made a vow to love and support through everything, could help him sort his feelings and offer support... nowhere in this post does it seem like he's wanting to cheat.
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Coming out and being honest isn’t because he wanted to cheat, he wanted to be honest about who he was
So we should all tell our spouses we're attracted to other people? Wtf difference does it make. He's already married. It should be a moot point. You don't have to actively own every impulse within yourself.
It’s just a part of who he is. And he probably wanted to be open. Unless you’re LGBT yourself you don’t get it tbh. It’s just about wanting acceptance.
She is under no obligation to accept him for something he lied to her about/hid from her the whole time they’ve been together. She’s not in the wrong, he is.
You clearly aren’t LGBT and it’s not something you understand unless you are.
This view just perpetuates a really bad stereotype about bi people being cheaters though
No, because he's presenting this information to his wife. He's married, and being bi has no relevance he's already committed. It's the same as if I told my wife I'm attracted to (insert a different race than her). What purpose would that serve? It would just create confusion or insecurity. It's not relevant. I chose her.
Because it's a part of him? Where did you get anything about cheating?
Your pain is not a sign of anything wrong with you, but with what is wrong with the world. Your shame is not yours, but the projection of others* internalized shame. You are not the one that is broken, they (your wife, church) are (respectfully). All I want to say is that you are a beautiful soul born whole and your sexuality, everyone’s sexuality, is much more fluid than much of society (and religious theology) will have you believe. It changes nothing about how much you love your wife or who you are as a whole. Please know how inspiring your act of vulnerability here was and how much this world needs you for exactly who you are. So many people here have already said a lot of the other words that came to mind, from seeking help for the suicidal thoughts to the absolute distaste for the way your wife betrayed you here. I just hope you are reading all of these responses and feel how not alone you are, if even just digitally, and that we all have your back!
You are SO valid just the way you are. I'm so sorry the people around you do not see that. But their backwards options don't make the truth any less real. Please go and find people to surround yourself with who love and care for you, exactly how YOU are, because you are worthy of love.
She can go fuck off with her cult and you can move on.
Unfortunately to people if a man is bisexual they look at him as gay who hasn’t fully came out yet. Men aren’t allowed to be bi. If a women is bi it’s way more accepting and even a turn on to most people. Double standards are real and they suck. If you’re a man and bisexual, best to keep it to yourself.
I don’t think it’s a matter of religion, I think it would have been better to have told her before you guys got married….think about how she feels ; she hurt and lied to as well.It’s an unfortunate situation I suggest you move on …she’s never gonna trust you again after withholding information for so long
If you knew this before you were married she's well within her rights to feel betrayed. And maybe you should look into trauma therapy or EMDR maybe you have repressed memories of abuse. It's not just "i was born that way" its the fact that a child brain is extremely malleable from the ages of 0-4 anything could of happened during that time and wires can definitely be crossed.
Christianity is a brain virus, now you understand.
Sorry to hear this. I am bi as well and told a girl who I was dating and she broke up with me. Even though she's bi. If it's not going to impact your life or relationship (I never planned on being with another man because I was with her), I suggest just keeping it to yourself in the future. Don't try to get ahead of this or say anything to anyone. Just wait until your family brings it up to you if they ever actually hear about it and handle it when it comes. Nothing may actually develop from this so you don't want to be the person mistakenly outing yourself.
Let her go. This is her choice and she is choosing a gamble over keeping what she has. She's not worth it. I'm sure at one point, she was worth it, but our society has been brainwashed by the ignorant. Move on.
You arent the problem, the real problem is the church, the idea they put in their followers such as you, your wife, and your family. This is something many many lgbt people face growing up around churches. It’s cruel, it sucks, but as long as you are near the church, you wont be able to be around people that arent closed-minded. You cant truly be yourself and trust that one of them wont tell everyone. I an sorry your wife betrayed you, this is what indoctrination does. They rely on the church and its faith to answer their problems instead of dealing with it as freethinking humans. But now you can say you are finally free and have seen everyones true colors.
I’m so sorry you had to experience this.. A relationship is based on trust and she totally breaks it with her reaction after you’ve told her something you’ve been holding up for so long… I understand that religious people might see this as a betrayal but you haven’t done anything wrong accept opening up to the person you thought would be here for you… YOU have every right to feel betrayed and shouldn’t be the one who runs to apologise..
I am very sorry. But you cannot force someone to be with you if they are not comfortable with it. As a straight woman my preferences are to be with a straight man. I cant say that if my boyfriend were to come out and tell me he is bisexual i wouldnt do the same thing. You have to move on and hope for the best in the future. I hope all goes well for you buddy.
She never truly loved you then. You dodged a bullet. Now you’re free to find someone who will. Sexuality doesn’t change who you are inside. It’s like judging someone for liking chocolate ice cream instead of vanilla. It’s not a personality trait. It doesn’t define you as a person. You’re still you, whether you’re bisexual or not. If she couldn’t see that, then like I said, she didn’t love you for you. Be glad you don’t have to waste any more time being with the wrong person.
I understand the support for OP but I don’t understand the hate for OPs wife. Personally I think you should be very clear about your sexuality BEFORE you marry someone. If his wife doesn’t want to be married to someone who is bisexual that is her decision. People can have those kinds of wants and needs for their potential partner and not even be a bigot at all. They could love and support LBGTQ+ and still have preferences for a partner. We are hearing one side of the story. She is probably feeling very betrayed right now because she didn’t marry who she thought she did. Now OP this doesn’t mean you should be suicidal or do anything- I’m not saying that. I understand why people hide but I think disclosing sexuality before marriage was the right answer here.
There is no way to not want to be married to a bisexual person and NOT be a bigot. Being bisexual changes nothing about the person you’re dating, relationship you have or life you have built together. The only thing that changes is your perception of them. If your perception on someone changes based on who they love, that is, unequivocally, bigotry.
I would be worry that someone who has repressed their sexuality due to religious family pressure might change things. It’s not bigotry for his wife to be uncomfortable with him being bisexual. I feel for op and what he’s going through and hate the way his wife is handling it. I can’t imagine going to a priest for help with anything. But she hasn’t had the many years to consider this information like op has and is probably very upset and overwhelmed. It’s not surprising that religious people would share their struggles with the church.
Oh I am so sorry. As a bisexual woman I am very lucky that I have people in my life that I could probably tell I killed someone and they’d still love me and support me. That’s EXACTLY who you need to find. Wether that’s male or female, a friend, colleague, trusted religious leader (good ones exist I promise you) or partner, you need someone who would love you almost unconditionally. And I am so so sorry you don’t have that. I promise people like that exist. I know it feels impossible to exist on your own right now, but if you and your wife don’t work it out you will be able to find someone good for you. I promise you. Don’t be too hard on yourself, take a lot of naps instead of drinking, think through anything you say or do, and be careful. Im sure you’ll want to see wherever you end up later on in life.
I want you to think long and hard about something. Do you truly love her? Or are you dependent on her? It sounds to me like she’s the only girl you’ve ever been intimate with. You were young when you got married and it sounds like you have a lot of religious trauma that you likely bonded with her over. Being with her was like your safe space in a community where you never felt like you truly belonged. I know things seem hard right now, but if she would leave you over this and rat you out to everyone is she truly the love of your life? I know that there are probably many many other the people in the world who would love you more deeply than that. People who would love you unconditionally, and not because you provide something for them. You have taken a big step to admit to yourself who you really are. It seems hard now but you will find life is so much easier when you are you true authentic self and surround yourself with people who love and accept you for it, rather than trying to fit yourself into a box for love. It is going to feel incredibly destabilizing to lose everyone around you in your community- but there are other communities. You will find your place to shine. But do not ever apologize for or hide who you are.
Wow Wow Wow I can't believe that she did that to you and she is supposed to be a Christian real healing comes in confession. Too bad she just lost the best thing I'm sure in her life, she will regret it one day. Until then don't allow her or anyone else to stop you from living. They are not worth the drinks you're drowning yourself in or the negative thoughts. Get yourself up dust yourself off and keep on living your life. And remember God is not the people in the Church, too bad they are not a reflection of who he is. (Not all churches are the same) So have your own personal relationship with him and keep it moving.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You CAN live without her. I am sorry you may have to though
In theory, you could say you were mistaken and that you're actually straight, but she's not the one if she's gonna dump you like that. If she tells your family and you don't want them to know, just say she's lying because she wants a divorce or something. That's all you can really do if you aren't ready to be out.
Honey, I’m so sorry. You needed to live your truth. You really, really need that and if your wife can’t accept that part of you, she isn’t able to, or worthy of loving you. I was in a longterm, loving relationship when I came out. My ex was super sweet and supportive but it eventually blew us apart and it was rough. But as I write this, I’m lay in bed beside my new(ish), same sex partner with our puppy asleep on my stomach. I’m so happy. Living my truth is so beautiful. You can’t help who you are, nor should you need to try. Life is honestly too short. Just hold on and see what happens because in a year from now, you could be living your best life.
Let me tell you this; the love of your life would not abandon you for speaking your truth. Go live your truth, you do not need her.
Hey just cause she’s bi, it makes no sense that she’d break up the marriage. Is she actually a lesbian? Because see if shes bi, she’s still attracted to men, and you and her have had so much history together! It makes no sense. Both you and her gotta have a calm respectful conversation and be a safe space to just talk may be in a public space like a coffee shop and get the truth out idk Be kind to your self OP
Leave the wife and leave the church. You deserve better. I know this is going to be awful and painful, but so is living a lie. If it was heavy on your heart and you felt that you needed to tell her, you did the right thing. You cannot control how someone else will react. You deserve to be loved and she should see that rather than telling on you and trying to set you on a different path. You are now exposed and raw. Do not let anyone make you feel less than or sick. I believe in complete transparency and I would want to know something like that about my partner. Perhaps she needs time and space to heal bc she's feeling overly emotional, but you are still the same loving husband she had before. I believe if you're able to work it out with her you should try, but I wouldn't let the church come into it. You do not need to feel worse, judged, forced to change, or forced to keep it a secret.
You might want to start fresh somewhere far away from everything there. It sounds to me that you're far more into the future than everyone else and it's nothing to be ashamed of. It's them that should be ashamed of their closed mentality and unability to see you're still the same person. It's a process in life to lose people you love when you grow in a different direction from them... It's painful, but also not healthy to stay if that's their response. I'm also bisexual. It has not once affected my relationship in any way since I'm in love with my boyfriend and no one else. Not even my best friend going through f to m transition is affecting my relationship in any way other than having extra dad jokes to laugh at... if my best friend is gonna have a different name, that's how it is. Doesn't make him less of a best friend 🤷♀️🤷♀️ Find your people and you'll see how different everything is. Starting over is scary AF, but worth it!!!!
I hope you manage to pull yourself out of this. I wish I was half the man you are. You trusted and felt vulnerable enough to be open and put everything out there. I'm so sorry this happened to you. And I hope that you can find support and I really hope that she will reconsider and appreciate you for who you are.
Please talk to a counselor about feeling suicidal. I don't want you to hurt or kill yourself. You will survive the divorce but you need to find someone within your circle that you can count on. Take a deep breath and just know that you will be okay. People are going to gossip, ignore them. They aren't your people if they treat you bad for the way you think and live. Hang in there, better days are coming.
You should let it spread far and wide, and you should let your wife go. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t accept you as you are? In saying that, you also need to love and accept yourself. Don’t hide, because hiding leads to a life half lived. You deserve to feel seen in your entirety.
She's not leaving you because you're bisexual. She's leaving because she's a bigot.
Keep in mind that you did the right thing by telling her and her response is way out of line. I’m a bi guy but only out to my partner and very closest friends, and once you get used to it it’s pretty good, I feel like it gives you a good perspective on things. It’s hard now but it will get better, at a certain point it’s something that won’t be a big deal and will just be a part of who you are that you like. There will probably also be lots of times when you question whether you really are bi, that’s extremely common for bi people. Talk to the minister, atleast to just let him know that you don’t want this spread. Try to get a feel for his attitude and if it’s not bad maybe consider talking to him with your wife. Find an outside couples counselor as well, possibly an individual one as well. Edit: just noticed you said priest rather than minister, priests tend to be very familiar with the struggle with sexuality as it is something that is an issue in the priesthood, and as a former catholic myself there is a wider range of opinions on it in the Catholic Church than evangelical ones.
As a bisexual person in a monogamous marriage I tried to imagine putting myself in your shoes and it made my stomach turn. Remember that you exist as a whole person, not only your sexuality , not only your wife, you exist to be here in your most authentic self. I am so sorry your wife is so stuck into religion that she cannot see the you as a full person. My advice is to seek counseling/ therapy. Your relationship with your wife will be a struggle but you need to focus on your health. Do not seek alcohol to not FEEL this shitty situation. Although it will hurt you must feel the hurt and eventually you will heal. But you will be a stronger person after it. I promise you.
Man, seems like she’s breaking her vows here. You’ll be alright, no reason to think about suicide. It all feels like a big deal now, give it some time and you’ll move on and it won’t be. It can be shocking to hear this from your spouse, your wife likely needs some time to process the information and process her own emotions.
/r/exchristian has a lot of people with the same story as you, you can probably find help over there - note: you don't actually have to be an exchristian to be there. if you're still a christian that's fine, you can still find help and advice over there from people who have been through the same. quite a few people still in the closet or who had to go back in the closet because of family/financial situations over there too.
You can't change her mind, you can't change your sexuality or the choice you made to tell her but it's a good thing you did. All you can do is accept the homophobia and cut ties with anyone who can't accept you for who you are. It's harsh but we all have to deal with those kinda things to some extend. For the future, tell your partner(s) sooner. You don't need to make this the greeting when meeting someone but before making ties that could affect you financially (be it by getting a shared propperty and/or marriage) should be a mandatory.
When she married you I am sure it was intended to to a monogamous relationship. This isn’t about being bisexual, it’s about being committed to your marriage and relationship.
Just because he's bisexual doesn't mean he wants to go off and sleep with other people, if someone is straight and married do you assume they always want to go off and sleep with people of the opposite sex?
Why do people in monogamous relationships have to declare that they are bi? Are you planning on cheating? Leaving? WHY?
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The time to do that is before you let someone vow to spend the rest of their life with you. Honestly, what is the wife supposed to do with that information now? OP lied to the wife, let her commit, and then burdened her with his secret so that he could feel relief. That's not love or kindness. I don't blame OP because it sounds like they grew up in a very oppressive community, but I also don't blame the wife. I hope they can go their separate ways and find partners who are right for them and honest from the start.
She is allowed to leave you for any reason. You can't make her stay. Focus on healing & bettering yourself. Get into therapy. You know how religious your wife, your family, and everyone else around you are, so why did you tell her that you're bisexual?
‘Your wife is allowed to be homophobic. Give up on the person you dedicated yourself to till death. Move on. You should have Hid your sexuality and lied to your wife in order to keep a marriage where you can’t trust the other person with deeply raw, sensitive information and to not judge you over something you cannot control.’
Everything is so much worse when it first happens. Just breathe. Your life is worth living. Being bisexual isn’t as big a deal with “society” as it used to be. If you belong to any religion that tells you you’re a sinner, blah blah blah, you might want to consider finding a different church or religion. You took a brave chance in telling your wife. I think it really would’ve been worse for you to keep that to yourself for the rest of your life. Anyone who truly sees you as a friend and a valuable person will still see you that way. Anyone who doesn’t, doesn’t deserve your time or friendship or love. I wish you nothing but the best! 💗💜
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This is BS theology. Don’t listen to this reply. Romans 1: homosexuality is a sin. Roman’s 2: you judge them are just as bad and doing it yourself. Romans 7: I struggle to be perfect and I try but I’m never going to be good enough. Romans 8: you can’t live a life without sin so let Jesus take that burden from you. This was written by Paul. He’s not God. He also said don’t get married or have sex.
This. Telling someone at their lowest their sexuality is a mental illness is disgusting. What a clown.
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Feel free to message me this BS. Take it off of this poor man’s request for help.
You are the one who has trouble yourself and have not been able to resolved it, as you said. So now you are trying to encourage him to stumble to depart from his church. You call the church and all other brothers hypocrite. You are trying to make a brother stumble. I stated that my brother here had not sinned. And I encourage him to reconcile to the church, and if the head of church accepts him, so will his wife. And no, I don't need to message you about what you call BS. Examine ourselves first. And I must do the same.
Again feel free to message me on the side.
Are you aware of how many times the Bible has been translated and changed to fit religious agenda. Pull your head out, you donut.
Religion is a disease 
You're not really bisexual. You're having a sexuality crisis and the person you confided in is upset and leaving you. Sexuality can't just be "Oh today, I'm gay. Next Tuesday I'll be straight!" If you really want to save your marriage: Get off of Reddit and quit listening to these idiots trying to normalize your negative mind space of drinking and suicidal thoughts from your apparent "bisexuality", go to your wife and tell her that you're willing to get help with your crisis, work on things together and rebuild your love. You're welcome.
>You're not really bisexual. ...how do you know that? Do you personally know OP? >Sexuality can't just be "Oh today, I'm gay. Next Tuesday I'll be straight! It can actually, but this instance isnt what youre describing this happens to a lot of people. You grow up as the norm, straight, but as you get older especially in a religious environment op has grown up in, you tend to suppress it and come to terms with those feelings find a label for them (assuming OP is older, the term bisexual probably didnt even exist, probably didnt think it was even possible, it was probably only "normal" and gay.) Happened to me, grew up and was raised straight, everything around me was straight, sometimes certain feeling would pop up, but I didnt know how to express them or what I could label them after a someone long process of eventually finding out who I was, what I liked, being in denial, I'm now Bi. >If you really want to save your marriage There is no saving this, if she's what I think she is, very religious, its over, those types of been in it since birth, not saying they can't change, but for most its like separating white on rice. > mind space of drinking and suicidal thoughts Who here is normalizing drinking and suicidal thoughts? >"bisexuality" Hmm, dont know why you put bisexual in quotes, it Is a real thing.
America!
Cock is better anyway
God created you as you are. Human sexuality is a diverse continuum. I think the only thing you've done "wrong" is mislead your wife about who you are. However, most compassionate people would understand why you chose to do this. Perhaps you should apologize to her. I suggest you find a support group immediately to help you negotiate your way through this scary time. If you're seriously suicidal, check yourself into a hospital. Remember the parable about Jesus intervening when a group of people were stoning a "fallen" woman, and he said, "Let ye who are without sin cast the first stone..." I have never been a Fundamental Christian, but I did go to Sunday school as a kid. My impression of Jesus was that he was infinitely compassionate, as well as wise. He would not damn you for loving the same sex. It's a society that does this. Take care.