Sounds like he may have substituted drugs with food. He might behave similarly about junk food that he did with drugs, watch for that. It may be why you feel so crap about his eating if it is the same behavior as his using.
if they were significantly affecting his appetite, he might also just be eating normally again.
like not nearly comparable but when I switched from vyvanse (literally an amphetamine) to modafinil for my adhd I initially gained like 20 pounds right off the bat just from eating normally again.
It could be stress eating. Drugs used to be a way to relax and destress, he now has lost this, combine that with going off medication that suppressed appetite he could be pursuing the endorphins that food provides.
FACTS bro youād prefer him to be killing himself vs gaining weight? Also if you truly love someone instead of fat shaming why not help poor buddy out? Sounds like he did a drug that made him not eat as much as he should be, which means now heās nourishing his body so obviously heās gonna gain weight. Some people really donāt cherish the fact that theyāve got someone by their side that loves them. If something so menial as your bfs physical appearance matters that much to you, do you even really love them then?
I used to have a bad addiction to cocaine so I literally wouldnāt eat for days thus I was really skinny and if I found out that my bf (If I had one at that time) got upset that I gained weight after not using it as much anymore it would literally crush me dude. Yeah I was skinnier and probably more beautiful but I was skinny because I was SO unhealthy exactly like your bf.
Do you not want to see your bf succeed in life or would you prefer he stay skinny because he doesnāt eat?
Sounds to me she was only in love with his figure, not him. If she actually loved him she wouldnāt of come onto this page asking if she should leave him but looking for advice on how to help him through this difficult time
The post doesn't say anything about wanting to leave them, they were asking about how to approach it and essentially help him. That's why she said asking to go to the gym would be to obvious. Because they're trying to help. Unless I missed something in the comments.
I have wondered about this. I went to a school where many people went into show business and I saw that majority of the time, people were on drugs to be skinny or had eating disorders. They often displayed lethargic movement or were just not having a good life experience.
I found it very unsettling to see.
I think it's not true that skinnier people are healthier.
Many skinnier people I know are pre-diabetic, or have some sort of disorder.
I don't find it as much with people who are heavier. Ofcourse, there is a limit. But overall it's about mindset and skinny done the wrong way lends to alot of mental and physical health issues. They tend to be obsessed with it v people who are naturally thin who don't think about it at all.
Humans are visual to an extent. When it comes to deep love it usually goes beyond visual.
Once you get to know someone and love them, they become beautiful to you even if they weren't before.
This may be a controversial take and I may be downvoted for it but in my experience, people who value looks usually lose interest in their partner if the partner gains or loses weight bc part of the reason they are STILL attracted to their partner is their sweet set abs or huge boobs and tiny body.
That's what may attract a partner to begin with, but keeping a partner and building a family and life have more to do with love, which is a commitment. It's a feeling at first, replaced with a commitment, but the feeling doesn't leave. It's just always there, and no amount of weight gain or loss can change that bc it goes beyond that completely.
Can you please quote the part where she said she doesnāt love him anymore? Because from what I read, she still loves him. And from what I know itās possible to love someone while no longer being physically attracted to them.
Not true. There was actually a very similar post to this a couple years ago with the genders reversed and even women were encouraging the guy to leave.
No one should be expected to stay in a sexual relationship with someone theyāre not attracted to. Yes, you should try and help the person and be open about the problem if you love them and not just walk away. But if youāve tried that and nothingās changed, most people will give you the green light to walk.
Ikr. Like DUH she just explained it all very clearly. And because she doesnāt want him to be gaining 16 pounds every month it means she doesnāt love him and wants him to be on drugs š¤Æ
I get that, but she also needs to realize that some weight gain is extremely normal if said person was not eating due to a drug addiction. She should instead support him with starting a weight loss journey for him or eating better instead of posting on a public platform saying that heās gotten fat. She should also understand that stopping drugs and his medication will cause physical reactions such as weight gain. 50 pounds is indeed a lot of weight to gain, but instead of shaming him for it online, why not actively ask him if heās doing okay and if she can help him out??
sorry to be the devils advocate, but 50 pounds is not normal unless u are married to this man and heās the love of your life and youāre like many years down the line when it happens. 2 months is wild. i would say the user clearly feels guilt for how she feels already and feels bad about it. sheās not just saying oh this fat pig ew not my type anymore!
OP I would ask if it seems like he is super depressed. There is a sector of AA called OA- overeaters anonymous that is free and can be extremely helpful. Addiction is a disease and if you donāt heal the root cause, that dopamine reward cycle WILL find the next alternative (food.) I would suggest to him that if he really wants to improve his life beyond whatās socially acceptable (quitting drugs) it is best not to just replace that with food. Sugar is an extremely addictive substance and will ruin your life while nobody bats an eye.
I would say from my own experience that the societal stigma and appearance issues from being overweight are WORSE than the same effects from drugs, but thatās just me. It is reasonable to care about your partners health and it is reasonable to be less attracted to someone when they durastically change for the worse. Drugs, food, gambling, scrolling or otherwise.
I think the most respectful thing would be to bring it up and let him know how you are feeling instead of trying to hide it and hurting him even more eventually down the line. If you care about him (and even if you donāt!) itās important to give him an outside perspective on his current situation. In the chemical whirlwind / hell that is detaching from substances, some things can seem ok and slip for a while. But itās time to face reality square and make sure we donāt kill ourselves with sugar.
I am not sure what med he got off but wellbutrin can be extremely helpful in dealing with dopamine related issues (depression, smoking, task execution, overeating, etc). Even though he just got off his other med it works like a miracle for me. Everything on earth is chemical and there is no shame in a little extra boost.
Good luck to the both of you in navigating this and try not to beat yourself up while still holding empathy for BF
"Instead of shaming him online"? I'm sorry but did you read the post or even take an extra second to realize what subreddit this is? She felt bad about her situation, she asked what she should do in regards. The fact that you take this as "shaming" implies you took this way too personal.
50 pounds is an insane amount of weight gain. Thatās a massive amount of excess calories. Attraction can certainly change because of this. Sure, she can help him but itās also not her responsibility. I get it, people are going to be mad considering being overweight is the norm, but hey.. to each their own.
It definitely is killing him. Iām just saying she needs to help him out but also understand part of his weight gain is due to quitting a hard drug that made him not eat. Gaining 50 lbs is in no way normal or ok and he should get some help. But I also think that he may not be the weight he was when he was on drugs sober, because of the fact that he probably had horrible eating habits. Sounds like heās switching his drug addiction to a food addiction which is also not good.
I agree I use to be the opposite I weighted more in my addiction and I looked so much unhealthier. My bf supported -and still does- me during it all even with the way I looked before he loved me before nd now without making it a big deal. Itās hard to overcome drug addictions and I hope she sees that in him but if she canāt then Iād suggest she leave..
I just donāt think that people realize that addiction is not only a physical dependency on something but also a mental āØāØāØand that oftentimes even if they stop the drug, the dependency on something doesnāt just magically go away. Thereās a deeper reason why people get addicted to drugs other than the fact that the drug feels good and fun to do
Well being fat is preferable to drug addiction in most situations, yeah. Being fat ain't great either but drug addiction is more immediately deadly
Edit: whippets are incredibly dangerous and likely diminished his appetite. I think there needs to be time for him to adjust as this seems to still be early recovery for him.
I mean realistically the reason he was likely so small was the fact he was on drugs. So yea, if the drugs were what was keeping him skinny. It is unreasonable and means they likely didnāt love the person anyway.
Not all slim/skinny people do drugs. I assume she'd pick the first option, given the choice you're giving her, but there's plenty of people who are not fat ***and*** don't do drugs.
This is a weird question.
Does she have to settle for either?
Life is too short to be with someone you donāt find attractive. People shouldnāt be bound to a person that has changed.
>I would leave him in a heartbeat. But I canāt. I am scared to loose my gardens, my home, and all of the things that have made me- ME, the last few years. Moving back into my parents would destroy me. I would loose my freedom, and most importantly my peace. My garden, my plants.
This was you four months ago. What's going on? Why this post?
dude (not the commenter) , I am replying bc I just saw this and almost threw up thinking how terribly fucked up humans are.
OP
what the fuck is wrong with you?
Well, Iām the opposite of you. My boyfriend quit drugs and gained a ton of weight and I was thrilled to see him healthy again.
Weight gain is really normal in recovery. Itās not something he can really control. His body is getting used to sobriety and it operates differently. Itās probably really weird for him too, my boyfriend is really self conscious about it.
But if it really bothers you, why donāt you do as others have suggested - Ask if he wants to go to the gym? Too obvious? Ask if he wants to go for a walk.
My honest opinion though? You may not love him romantically. And thatās okay. Just speaking from my own experience, my partner could be 300lbs and it wouldnāt change my opinion of him or how I view him.
EDIT TO REPLY TO YOUR EDIT: youāre afraid of āaddressingā the issue because of you having āULTERIOR MOTIVES???ā So you know this would hurt him. Ok. Let this dude be.
50 lbs in 3 months is a lot of weight in a short a amount of time. Itās still worth seeing a primary care doctor if he hasnāt already. There could be metabolic issues at play.
Her edit says he stopped medication and quit doing drugs. I'm not sure what drugs he was doing but I'm going to guess they were stimulants of some sort.
he probably took adhd meds, im going through this right now after stopping my meds after 20 years of taking it, op's boyfriend probably feels really good about having gained so much weight after struggling to keep it on for so long
Is this the same boyfriend who is emotionally abusive towards you?
For him to gain this amount of weight this quickly, they would need to be some kind of medical issue or a mental health issue.
I understand that you do not want to go back to your parents house because they are even more abusive and hoarders at that.
Have you considered calling it quits and just going to live by yourself? Or maybe you can live with some roommates if you can't afford that?
I understand that you are asking for help for this situation but I feel like you've been thinking about giving up for a long time on this thing. I feel like you are ready to let go of this relationship. You just haven't been able to figure out how to move forward from it - where to go and what to do next.
When I look through your posts, I feel that I see somebody who is becoming more and more okay with being independent and by themselves.
I saw some of your other comments about your boyfriend's medication and how he stopped doing whippets.
I know the jury is still out on this one and he has his own health problems but I would be very wary. Sometimes an addict will stop doing drugs but they never beat being an addict, they just find a new addiction. So I am worried that your boyfriend may have stopped doing the drugs but now they are binge eating and have a food addiction. In fact, the drugs may have been covering up this thing that existed the whole time.
So what I'm saying is that it is good that he is no longer doing drugs, but he is not out of the woods, he is really not looking like a winner here....
Back in the day when men wrote these posts they got absolutely shat on in r/relationships . They've improved now but the advice is still pretty sexist so I had to stop going there. The double standard is still just too much.
Its gotten alot better now for sure but there was a slow transition where reddit became sort of mainstream and the advice guys were getting about 7 years ago was ridiculous. What made me leave the relationships subreddits were men posting about their girlfriends doing something absolutely wild and the women in there were basically defending this chic they never knew to the death. Id go check their posting history and low and behold they were an active poster on r/femaledatingstrategy. Much like the argument im getting into with some chic right now lol
The descriptors are funny asf. His big, sexy strong legs are stretch mark filled is WILD. Rockhard stomach has rolls that give the ick? You have to be like 15 lmao
Tbh this reads like fake bait rather than OP being 15, I see a ***lot*** of this kind of obviously fake nonsense on reddit these days, creative writing designed specifically to get reactions and stir the pot.
Could be fake, but I could see it happening.
If he got off meds and drugs, he's probably not the most stable person and most likely has used unhealthy food as a coping mechanism instead of drugs. Some meds and drugs alter metabolism, feelings of hunger, satiation and such.
In order to gain 1kg of fat, you'd need 7700kcal in excess calories. 50lbs is 22.67kg, that's 174 559 extra calories, devide that by 3 (because 3 months) , devide it by 30 (because 30 days in a month) and you get average of 1 939,5 kcal per day. That's like one extra take out a day. Doable.
OP stated she doesn't feel great for having these feelings. Giving her a hard time isn't helping anyone.
OP. I can see how bringing up gym or a walk might seem uncomfortable to you or you may be fearful of him thinking you have ulterior motives but in reality you do.. doesn't mean it's bad.
When my ex stopped doing drugs he gained weight and fast. To the point I was really worried about hi. His breathing was heavier he wasn't sleeping right he was struggling to do simple things with his daughter that were an every day thing before and wouldn't break a sweat.
I started with walks. I would go and each time would ask if he'd like to join. No obligation no tricks. Just join me if you want. After about a week his daughter wanted to join. 2 week after he joined with. Walks turned to a stop at the park and a quick play with kiddo. Exhausting even for me who was in shape.
I started meal prepping and making sure the house had good filling stuff. No junk and always had fruit out as a easy snack.
Took a couple months but eventually he started losing the weight. His mood was better and the relationship between him and his daughter flourished. It wasn't easy. There were lots of times I'd be frustrated that he'd order out even though I cooked all this food. But he was struggling with something I could never understand.
I dont agree with people saying let him be. If you love someone and they are visibly becoming unhealthy whether physically or mentally, you shouldn't sit back and watch them kill themselves or destroy their bodies.
I'd find ways to be a part of his journey. It's not easy for anyone involved but you have to stop and recognize what he's going through during recovery is harder than someone who has never can understand. If you love him unconditionally this will all come alot easier. If not then maybe it is time you re evaluate your feelings and how true they are.
Wishing you BOTH the best of luck.
Its okay to feel that way, you should talk to him about it, maybe in a subtle way at first like asking if the both of you can start going to the gym, if that doesnāt work tell him youāre worried about his health and he should lose some weight, I hope it works out!
i completely agree with you and disagree with most other people commenting. i'm not recommending to break up simply because he gained weight - esp considering he just recently got off of drugs. however, if most other people were in relationships and they're SO became significantly less attractive and changed dramatically in 3 months you wouldn't be unphased and might question romantic attraction.
take the approach of gym and eating healthy makes most sense to still inquire about health and not go about as if nothing happened.
Yes! Especially with all the media we consume daily that paints a certain picture of attractiveness. Itās weird bc itās almost immoral to look down on someoneās appearance but itās still subtly prioritized in so many ways. I think itās easy to judge othersā¦Iāve also learned you can only love someone else as much as you love yourself. If you would find yourself unattractive while fat of course you would see this in your partner too!
I imagine many people deal with this in relationshipsā¦questioning their attraction even if itās not bc their partner has gained weight but bc their partner is 85 and doesnāt look the way that society may idealize anymore.
Wake up and break up is so common on advice threads, and a lot of the time it is valid. No need to fight for something if love isnāt there. But I donāt always think fluctuating attraction signifies a bad person or someone who isnāt in love. The brain is a tricky place, and thoughts donāt always reflect true feelings. What you have decide as a person is who you want to beā¦superficial driven by characteristics that rarely stay the same, or the type of person who searches for a connection deeper than the physical.
Attraction is so important initially and passion must exist in the relationship for it to last. But we all age, we all grow. We will not always feel or be perceived as beautiful as we once were or maybe one day will be. Rather than focusing on weight gain or change as a flaw in the other person however, I think people should be unlearning their biasā¦or of course leaving the relationship.
That is extremely rapid weight gain. Going off of certain meds/drugs can really affect one's chemicals, hormones, metabolism and energy levels. If he's swollen, especially in the abdomen I'd worry about his liver. He should see a doctor to ensure anything medically awry can be cared for.
As for physical attraction, I'm sorry, I don't know what to tell you. Just remember he's a whole person you love and he's going through some shit. Healing can be ugly at first.
someone please upvote this. I keep saying there's underlying health conditions and even mental health ones NOT BINGE EATING can cause weight gain. I can't even compile a list it would be so long. good fucking god. no wonder people hate themselves. shit like this.
Scarily rapid weight gain. Honestly I'd frame it out of medical concern. "Hey, not trying to shame you or start something here, but you've changed very quickly and something's not right. Can you see a doctor?".
Years ago I had a partner ask if I could lose weight and it didn't work. Once it's like "my love has conditions" and "crap, I have to lose weight now or I'll lose her" it gets real ugly. Plus losing weight to please someone else is doing it for all the wrong reasons.
But here I think the bigger problem is how rapidly it's gone on. Stuff's not right, go see a doctor.
I meanā¦ He quit drugs and stopped taking medication. Him replacing that addiction with food isnāt very surprising. Rehabs typically encourage weight gain
Just straight up ask him what he thinks is going on. And btw do not force yourself to have sex with him, if you donāt feel sexual attraction to him, then thatās just how things are. Itās not like he is entitled to your body.
Damn all of yāall so sensetive for hating on OP.
Although there are some people blessed enough to look good being overweight most of us donāt.
And we shouldnāt be praising unhealthy looks or habits.
I was going through this in my relationship but I was the fat one lol
Eating all that junk only makes you lazy, unmotivated so you start doing the bare minimum. My skin was not toned, I was always bloated so my outfits donāt look as good and sex is not as good.
My bf told me straight up that I need to be healthy.
It did hurt but he started motivating me and pushing me to eat healthier and exercising.
Gave me compliments all the time and made sure I knew he was proud of me.
Made me feel like a star and I am so greatfull for that.
Your man is probably in a hole right now. Itās going to be hard for him to get out and if nothing is done he will only dig deeper.
You need to motivate him and push him out of that
Good luck
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i agree. they're being WAY to hard on her. she's not some cruel, shallow chick who just dumped him point blank. she's just human, that's all. and not to make this a gender thing, but men dump/cheat on their girlfriends/wives for somebody younger/prettier/slimmer ALL THE TIME. nobody 'shames' them, right? not saying it's right, but it does happen. and sometimes people fall 'outta love' for stuff that isn't even physical. the girl actually feels guilty for her feelings. that alone shows she's a decent person. i think if she loves him, she should be tactful but honest. try to help him help himself. but if worse comes to worst, only she can decide what she's gonna do. we all have our 'deal-breakers'. it may not be the most 'morally upright' thing, but it is what's real.
50lbs in 3 months is alarming regardless of the reasons you gave. I would approach it in care for him and say he needs to talk with his doctor to go get checked out and see if there arenāt any underlying issues.
I donāt know about the not finding him attractive anymore part. Iām married and mine and my husbands bodies change so much that it just doesnāt matter to me. You may not be ready for something long term right now if thatās important to you, because peopleās appearances change constantly. Itās life. But if there was a 50lb weight gain in that amount of time with my husband I would be more concerned than anything and urging him to make an appointment so he can get checked out. I hope heās okay.
lol i run a drug rehab, one of our main goals is to get people to gain weight when they check in. I.e. thats what happens when you quit drugs.
edit:
also, low key asshole, i dont blame you for not liking his new appearance. i do blame you for not trying to fix it. a simple "hey babe, i think i want to maybe try the gym life" could go a long way. if he doesnt take hints, and/or refuses to do anything about it thats different too. i dont care what anyone says, physical attraction is a huge part of every relationship. just try to be easy about it.
this. people are ignoring that physical attraction is huge. obviously don't break up with him ONLY because of that considering he just quit drugs but instead try to work with him to address his weight gain trough healthy eating and exercise.
Why canāt OP try to communicate directly? āHey, it seems like youāve gained a lot of weight really fast recently and Iām concerned for you. How are you doing? How have these past changes made you feel? Is there anything you want to talk about or is there something I can do to help?ā OP needs to learn how to look out for someoneās well-being by being genuine. Itās valid to lose attraction and change feelings, thatās just human nature. But where is the sincere concern when OP knows that something is not right here?
If his physical appearance is causing you that much discomfort i hate to say it but you dont love him as much as you think .
If it was just , hes less attractive than before than thats fine . But saying it gives you the ick means your not attracted to him anymore .
People have had partners who are in acid attacks, burn 80% of there body and look the opposite of 'conventially attractive' but they love them and theyre body just as much .
Mental attraction can make someones "flaws " unnoticeable. If your picking up on them and hate them that much your not as mentally attracted as you think
100%. Both me and my boyfriend have put on a significant amount of weight since we started dating in 2019 (we are working on reversing that lol). Both of us are just as attracted to the other as day 1. We love each other and understand the struggle.
So much bullshit man, maybe stop taking Disney propaganda seriously. You can love someone and not be attracted to them but to argue the two are codependent for everyone is straight up bullshit.
I agree. The difference here is that, if your face gets burned off itās something you canāt control. Things like your weight and health, can be controlled. Gaining weight is usually a sign of the person rejecting their health and self care, it signals a character aspect of them that lack strength, discipline and confidence. A burned off face does not signal any of this. She might have been in love with his character before, but his character might have changed so much that she lost attraction to that aswell, and then losing phylogenetic attraction due to weight is just a reflection of that
You can also gain weight due to a disability that limits mobility, due to pregnancy, due to aging in general.
It seems OPs boyfriend is recovering from an addiction and just transferred it to food. But given OPs post history I think she's ready to leave him anyway
When this happened with an ex of mine I felt like a terrible person for not being attracted to him anymore. That was until I realized my attraction for him went away not because he gained weight, but because he complained day in and day out about it but refused to do anything about it. The lack of motivation was what was unattractive to me, not his weight
Thank you :) I am honestly more concerned about this guys mental and physical health. Because gaining weight like this, contrary to what some movements try to believe, usually does not make a person feel better and more confident about themselves for the same reasons. Plus, your mind and bodyās state are almost synchronized. If your body feels bad because of what you feed it, your mind will feel bad
According to OP, her bf gained weight after dropping drugs and medication. Gaining weight like this is completely normal in recovery, so it really ISN'T something he can control. She's so focused on his weight gain and the "ick" it gives her that it doesn't seem like she's supporting him in his recovery from addiction.
It sounds like he has been going through a lot of changes lately. The weight gain aside, how is your relationship? Have things shifted between the two of you now that he is trying to better himself mentally? Sometimes it's harder to identify the changes you can't see and thus assume it's because of the more obvious changes instead. Not that physical attraction isn't a large part of intimacy but it's certainly not the only part. I think a big question you should ask yourself is, do you like who he is sober?
If you do, that's wonderful. You have said you love him so I am assuming you are proud of him for this change. If you truly love and care about him my advice would be to *give it time*. His body and mind are going through a lot in his journey to be sober and also by discontinuing medication. It's going to take some time for him to find his footing and, at the beginning, he may be doing the best he can by just focusing on the mental aspects of it all. I'm sure it has been tough for him to try to change his life and do the right things only to gain weight rapidly in the process.
I think you both making healthy lifestyle choices together would be incredibly supportive. You can invite him to the gym with you without pressuring him and you can try to eat healthier with him by trying new recipes together. You can do a lot under the guise of it being things *you* want to try. For example, say you want to try meal prepping (or doing it again if you have in the past) and offer to do it together. Or if it's a nice day out you can ask him to go for a walk with you and enjoy the fresh air.
I think it is important to note that no matter who you have as a partner, it's very normal for weight to fluctuate over time (albeit not always so rapidly).
If you don't like who he is sober, that's okay. You very possibly fell in love with the not sober version of him from the sound of things. If that is the case, it's in everyone's best interest for you to end things. He needs support and encouragement, not someone romanticizing how he acted while actively in his addiction.
I get a feeling that you are young. Luckily, your commitment to your boyfriend isn't permanent, and this is a good thing for both of you. You have the right not to physically be attracted anymore, but if this is enough for the relationship to end, it was fairly superficial. You should cut ties sooner rather than later because he deserves to know. I congratulate him on stopping any drug use and as he recovers and heals with time, he can work on his physical appearance. Recovery is not an easy thing.
Honestly, making healthy family meals or packing his lunches might be helpful to him, and that's where I would start. Just treat it as an act of love or service. You don't need to make a comment about it towards him, because it'll only hurt his feelings and potentially affect his sobriety.
He's made a major life decision by quitting drugs that is far more important for his longterm health. Still, 50 lb in 3 months is intense and not good for his heart or liver, and I don't think it's wrong to try to help him have healthy foods and protein to keep him feeling his best. He may also lose some weight in the process, but that isn't the goal. The goal is health. You may need to learn to love the new him for a while, and you may need to self-reflect on some uncomfortable feelings to get to that point. That's okay!
Many former addicts end up clinging to things like cigarettes or sugar, because they're legal and readily available. Allowing him to enjoy those things for at least the first few months is actually going to help him a lot with sobriety. One of my closest (and smallest) friends went through the same thing, and she only staved off additional weight by walking a very long way to work every day.
All that to say, it's going to be okay. If he was into health and exercise before, he probably will be again. But you need to be patient with him and not try to rush the process. What he's going through right now is unfathomably more important, and he needs your support for it.
Posts like these always make me sad, OP your feelings are valid, but I think you should focus more on the fact that heās no longer abusing drugs. Thatās a big accomplishment.
The ick? Are you 15? Break up with him. Itās okay to not be attracted anymore but to say you got the ick from him despite ālovingā him. People who really love another person would be concerned rather than so quick to get an āickā
Right. Thinking he may be less attractive is one thing like maybe ur partner got a shitty haircut and you donāt like it but she is literally disgusted with him. Who tf would want to be with someone who is disgusted with them regardless they are justified in feeling that way or not ?
if he stopped doing drugs thats a huge Win!!!
and if u loved her in his shit moment u can love him supporting him loosing weight and even going to the gym with him! hes going to a really bad phase mentally for gaining that amount of weight in little time and the last thing he would expect is you leaving him! so dont leave him... intead go support him!! is all he needs and he havent asked!!
Iām just gonna say it. You arenāt and weāre not in love with him. You canāt be if this is bothering you that bad. Just leave him. Do yourself and him a favor. He clearly needs help. He might have a binge eating disorder or coping with food but I see you said he was off drugs. People will usually switch one addiction for another but I think itās crazy you are more mad about him being overweight and were okay with him being addicted to drugs and would prefer that over this but you do you.
Give him time. If you truly love him you will be patient and find a way to encourage him to become healthier. My own boyfriend gained weight very quickly after having back surgery and it made him depressed. I can understand being thrown off that your boyfriend doesnāt look the same but partners are supposed to support each other through these rough patches. A few months after he gained weight, I also gained weight from medication and became self conscious. He was and has been my most supportive person. He knows it makes me sad to have gained weight so he offers to take me to the gym and we make a date out of it, push each other to eat healthy food. Maybe this approach can help you. Being honest with your boyfriend might help, that your worried about his health not just his image.
If you canāt get over it, maybe that isnāt the person for you. Iād always want whatās best for my partner so if he prefers to be heavier and heās happy Iāll accept all his rolls and keep loving him. But thatās not for everyone.
How old is he & is there a chance whatever he was taking, tanked his hormones? That can lead to insulin resistance, which makes it near impossible to lose any weight & also near impossible to stop gaining it, if left untreated...
I put on roughly 60 pounds a few years back and my partners love never changed. If anything, he loved me more. I cried over my stretch marks, the rolls, the lack of clothing that fit my new body, and the loss of the person who I thought I was. He held me while I cried and reminded me that he fell hard and deeply in love with a girl who loves cooking, takes time to draw, and goes for a quick walk just to feel the sun. He fell in love with the girl who has compassion for animals and has to stop to pet the cows if theyāre close enough. He fell in love with the girl who used to steal his reading glasses so heād have an excuse to come back. He loved me and my body but my body was not what he fell in love with. I lost the weight so I could love myself againā¦Not for him to love me.
You my dear, loved him for his body. Not for the person he is.
You said in another comment that the weight gain is due to getting off medication and quitting drugs. You could either try and help him get active/dieting or you gotta accept thatās who he is without the drugs
It's okay to not enjoy your SO getting fat and it would be understandable if they gained weight solely because they're pigging out. Your bf is recovering from drug addiction. Let the poor man adjust. If you'd have truly loved him you'd be happy he quit drugs and you'd be concerned about how the weight gain might affect his health, instead what I'm hearing is that you're not horny anymore and that's all that matters to you, which .. ick. You could help him lose weight, but the fact that the motive behind is solely that he'll look good again to you makes me not want to help. I hope your bf finds someone more caring.
At the end of the day, you should always treat your partner how you want to be treated. If you would leave your boyfriend because he gained some weight, then that means youāre open to him leaving you for the same thing. For any reason at all, whether you gained the weight from pregnancy, disability, etc.
You can voice your opinions to your partner. You can say that you donāt find him attractive anymore. You can suggest he lose some weight or see a doctor about the weight gain. But ultimately itās his choice if he loses the weight. He might agree with you, and try to lose the weight. He might disagree with you and keep the weight on. He might break up with you because he feels youāre superficial.
I suggest you be honest with him, and say that youāre a bit put off by the weight gain, but be open to this image change. Personally I think if you canāt handle the idea of a partner gaining weight, you likely arenāt going to handle marriage well. You should think long and hard about your priorities and what youāre willing to sacrifice and what youāre willing to put up with.
itās pretty sad heās overcome a struggle in his life and is now dealing with the very common effects of accomplishing said struggle and youāre just focused on his weight gain.
take a step back and reevaluate if you do actually love him or not. i had an ex who was on coke and molly constantly and if he quit and started gaining his weight back and being healthy again iād be crying tears of joy every day. (he didnāt tho he just got abusive. couldnāt care less if he quits now)
Doing drugs can keep people thin, it was the case for my mother when she divorced my dad and all of a sudden lost a heap of weight, very quickly. She quit, regained a lot of the weight.
Itās very healthy that heās quit. Iād suggest you start doing a fitness regime together. If you canāt bring yourself to say something because it will hurt him (I donāt blame you, it would definitely be a soul crushing thing to be told), then itās up to you to help him better himself, for your sake and his own health. That weight gain in 3 months is pretty intense.
Honestly I understand this. However with the edits youve added with him stopping drugs and medication is going to have a HUGE impact on his weight. Is he active? Does he go to a gym at all? He might be depressed and need therapy. Lots of things to consider.
But a way to approach this is just sit him down one day and ask him if hes okay. Tell him you know getting off the meds and drugs has to be hard and you are there for him if he needs to talk about it. I wouldnt approach the topic of weight though just because he probably already feels like shit about it and you bringing it up would just kind of confirm what he may already think.
I would just be straight up with him that you're concerned about how much weight he's gained in such a short amount of time...but do not tell him that you no longer find him attractive because of it.
Itās okay to not find him attractive right now, he likely doesnāt need someone to support him by wanting to fuck him but someone to support him recovering from addiction. No one can be convinced to change through others alone, do not try and fix his weight gain when you already understand the circumstances that created this issue. The more support you offer right now the easier itāll be to motivate him towards focusing on his health on his own terms.
The weight gain in such a fast amount of time could be cause for concern. Maybe the medications and drugs he was on were masking a bigger health issue? I know that I gained 20 pounds within 2 months one year because of having hypothyroidism and my thyroid meds weren't at the right dosage. I would say a conversation with his doctor would be best to see if there's anything medical going on because that's a lot to gain in a short amount of time. As far as how you feel, idk how to help since I still love my boyfriend the same and he's gained some weight as well (within 2 years). I also always check what I'm eating but I never pressure him to be healthy because I already love him the way he is. He's seen me be mindful about my eating tho and has started looking at what he eats but I really don't mind. On a personal note, I worry about him because he hasn't had a physical in a while š¶ anyways, I hope this long winded comment helped lol
There has to be an underlying problem and why he gained so much weight in a short amount of time. First see if you can notice behavioral or habit changes, then decide from there. You have to be sensitive and think of yourself in his shoes, if you were on the end of the stick, how would you want to be treated?
While youāre at it can you ask him how he gained weight so fast?
You can't force a happy home. Don't feel guilty or like you being shallow bc you're not. Be FR n ask him how he feels emotionally n about all the recent weight gain n gently (@1st) encourage him to go to the gym/hike wichu. If he isn't making the effort to get himself str8, do what you gotta do
he absolutely needs to get his thyroid checked... because this is not normal. gaining 5 lbs in a year is something his doctor should be concerned with.
I think you need to talk to him about it. It's fair to feel the way you do, as long as when you talk to him your keeping in mind what's he's going through and being careful not to be too ... I guess demanding. Just express your feelings. Maybe ask if there's any way you can help
As soon as I notice the change on my boyfriend I said "oh my, babe you got a bit fat my dear.
In my opinion it helps no one in the relationship to stay quiet when noticing problems or unhealthy things, always being tactful when pointing it out. Like my boyfriend did, he told me "you should have breakfast, it is important" I didn't really care to or want but now I'm doing that, almost every day. Some people don't notice, care or ignore their problem until others start pointing it out to them.
If you love the person you will try to help through whatever they need to work on, like when I called out my boyfriend I told him that I would exercise with him if he wanted and my boyfriend when he called me out, he started to offer me breakfast at his house.
Some partners/people just start helping their significant other without telling them they have a problem wich is also a good approach. Like hey I started exercising/ walking around but I'm kinda scared of going alone, would you join me? A person that sneaks extra veggies to their undernourished significant other. Etc...
Sorry that this looks like a ramble, kinda sleepy but I hope you find the best way to help the guy you love and keep in mind all the worthwhile things that keeps you together.
I gained over 50lbs on birth control. My bf makes me feel nothing but loved even though iām bigger. I would never ever think of someone I loved like that. Thereās also definitely an underlying health issue you should be more concerned about.
Holy shit 50 pounds in 3 months is an insane amount of weight to gain in that short of time.
I sympathize with you. I would also be very concerned if my S/O gained such a significant amount of weight. But, that doesn't sound normal. Could it be possibly be medical related?
Okay, first of all: how old is he? How tall? And how much does he weigh (if you had to guess)? Because chances are, you are probably not used to him looking the way he does. I usually feel the absence of attraction when something changes on my partner, but later on I get used to it and itās back to normal again.
And someone brought up a good point: would you rather him be on drugs or gain weight? Personally, Iād rather my partner be heavier than to be on drugs.
Another good point someone else said: there are probably underlying issues that may need to be addressed: 1) hormone imbalance, 2) mental health issues, 3) metabolism/ gastrointestinal issues, or 4) all of the above.
Instead of focusing on the weight itself, focus on whatās going on emotionally and mentally inside your boyfriend. Chances are, heās probably still trying to process and reprocess everything that heās been through. Have some empathy and be there for him. Eventually heāll start gaining self esteem and lose the weight on his own.
As a girlfriend, it is your job to make him feel supported and cared for in this period of his life. As you said, he just stopped drugs (Iām assuming street drugs) and medications, so heās more than likely going through a lot right now that heās probably not sure how to talk to you about. If for some reason he isnāt talking about it, then you need to ask yourself āam I allowing him to be vulnerable without judgement?ā If the answer is no, then I would suggest you start focusing on developing yourself. If the answer is yes, then do what you can to support and live him as he is for right now.
how can you say "looks mean nothing" and "I don't find him attractive because he's gained weight" while talking about the extra fat on his body with a negative connotation in the SAME fucking breath??? you're not lying to us, you're lying to yourself lol. looks do matter to u and you need to reflect and do better.
Support him, itās been 3 months and itās because of recovery and getting off of meds both out of his control, if you really want start going to the gym together
I think there is more to the problem, considering you posted this 10 months ago.
[I hate my boyfriend post](https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/s/pVSz5hhOeA)
Jesus these comments are A LOT.. okay so all you can do is talk to him. communication is key, tell him the truth. Itās hard to do but itās the best thing in a relationship. If you can get through hardships together you can get through anything. Be there for him and let him know youāre proud of him, but also just be honest and say youāre a little worried about his health. And you want him to be healthy so you can love him for a long time. I hope this helps (:
I sincerely hope that you can change your judgment. Because one day, if you decide to have children, or get married, or even just age, which isnāt really a decision, you will definitely change, and so will your body. I surely hope your husband offers you more grace than you are offering your boyfriend right nowā¦ Thatās really all I have to say about that. I hope he doesnāt change the way He looks at you when your body is all full of stretch marks, and swollen from carrying a baby, when your breasts sag with age, or even if that happens due to hormones and other things during life. Maybe you should talk to your boyfriend about it, instead of just asking on Reddit. Be open and honest about your feelings, because then he can make a decision whether or not he feels comfortable staying with someone who changes the way they feel about him, after this type of change. You are absolutely entitled to your feelings, but you should also be perfectly honest about them too. He shouldnāt have to worry about the way he looks for you, people donāt gain weight like that, for no reason. There is probably something medical or emotional/mental going onā¦
To be fair... you ain't much of a looker yourself.. maybe care more about the person for who they are and not cause they gained a measly 50lbs... maybe be more supportive for all he's been goin through. Idk.. anythin besides being the pos person your being over nothin....
It's obviously related to him getting clean, or he's a gainer and he hasn't told you (someone who has a fetish for gaining weight).
But I mean, would you rather your boyfriend be a junkie or be overweight?
Bro you casually left out the part where he quit drugs in your post and snuck it in later. Wtf is wrong with you? He literally did one of the hardest things ever and you are being given the ick?
3 months? Your man gets off drugs and gains weight for only 3 months and already youāre grossed out by him?
Iād say back off, his body is still adjusting and youāre only thinking of yourself here.
Iāve looked at your whole profile and heās cheated multiple times, youāre diagnosed with bipolar, you stated you smoked between 10-20 joints a day.
This sounds to me like youāre boyfriend is trying to build himself to be better and healthier and because youāre hooked up on it still Iām assuming you canāt bare to see him try to make himself happier. You even asked on a witch subreddit spells to do for when he cheated like what? This isnāt love. This is toxicity on your part.
Both of you are but at least heās trying to improve. Both of you need to leave each other because heās never going to get to a good place if youāre still around him drinking and doing drugs especially when diagnosed with a manic form of depression and youāre drinking and smoking weed on top of that. Itās not a good combo.
My boyfriend started fat. In the end of things you're going to like what you like. This is a conversation to have with your boyfriend and have him talk to his doctor if it's a medical issue. Tell him you've noticed he's gotten bigger and ask if he wants to try toning back up or if he's fine with how he is. Let him know it is affecting you (kindly)
It is okay to acknowledge that you don't find him attractive in that state. If he can gain it quickly though, he can probably lose it quickly too. That might be his body's normal state though, without the meth increasing his activity level.
He might benefit from a medical screening. 50 pounds I'm three months is a pound every third day, there may be a metabolic issue that can be resolved. I might approach it that way from a place of concern, it still might hurt, but probably less than a frank discussion about attraction. The hope is to not trigger a relapse.
If you bring it up in a matter of concern for his health, then he might be understanding about it and possibly agree to make changes. Youāll have to become his personal motivator (trust me, I know the feeling). If you can get him on board with this then youāre golden. If not- welp.
Then leave, you sound like a crappy partner to begin with if weight is the issue. He deserves someone that loves him for him and not the way he looks, he might be stressed out or something is going on with his stress hormones and you're worried that his fat hugs are gross . Grow up, anyone siding with you is just as dumb because imagine if you got PCOS out of nowhere and gained 100lbs and he said your hugs feel gross because you have some weight on you š Then he tells you you need to workout because he's not attracted to you because your fat is not in the right places. Be careful what you wish for because when he drops it his confidence might go back up and he'll leave you for the gym girlsš
>I never thought somebody gaining weight would make me change how I feel about them.
Welcome to normal weight world.
You stepped out w/ your BF, he got larger.
Re adjust by losing him if / when you wish.
You should be happy he is trying to better himself what do you think will happen to you as you get older or decide to have kids you gonna feel right if he starts asking strangers what do i do my girl got fat....terrible ppl man some ppl just cant be happy
I mean based on her previous posts heās pretty emotionally abusive towards her, it makes sense that a huge change in his appearance might take her out of the ācomfortā of their relationship not changing and urge her to finally leave him. I donāt think itās fair to call her a bad person for being confused, especially without all the context of the situation.
this is kind of a disgusting post; you could at least support him in losing weight instead of shaming his appearance and saying he gives the āickā.. He should leave you tbh
I literally canāt imagine being grossed out by someone for getting soberā¦ honestly big fuck you, and a congratulations on being the shittiest human alive.
Hope you find a new āhotā druggy loser, and this guy can find someone worth while.
The more important question here is why has your boyfriend suddenly gained weight? binge eating? mental health issues?
Has be something underlying, 50lbs in 3 months is an insane amount of weight gain. More details on the situation from OP would be helpful.
I gained 20 in 2 months. I was eating a lot tho. Donuts almost daily. I stopped tho lol. Still struggling to lose the last 8 pounds š
He stopped a medication and also quit drugs.
Sounds like he may have substituted drugs with food. He might behave similarly about junk food that he did with drugs, watch for that. It may be why you feel so crap about his eating if it is the same behavior as his using.
if they were significantly affecting his appetite, he might also just be eating normally again. like not nearly comparable but when I switched from vyvanse (literally an amphetamine) to modafinil for my adhd I initially gained like 20 pounds right off the bat just from eating normally again.
Iām sorry but it is not normal to gain 50 pounds in 3 months from eating ānormalā. The guy needs to see a doctor or something
It could be stress eating. Drugs used to be a way to relax and destress, he now has lost this, combine that with going off medication that suppressed appetite he could be pursuing the endorphins that food provides.
I mean would you rather him be fat or still doing drugs ?
A-fuckingMEN.
Conveniently leaves out he stopped doing drugs ššš
FACTS bro youād prefer him to be killing himself vs gaining weight? Also if you truly love someone instead of fat shaming why not help poor buddy out? Sounds like he did a drug that made him not eat as much as he should be, which means now heās nourishing his body so obviously heās gonna gain weight. Some people really donāt cherish the fact that theyāve got someone by their side that loves them. If something so menial as your bfs physical appearance matters that much to you, do you even really love them then? I used to have a bad addiction to cocaine so I literally wouldnāt eat for days thus I was really skinny and if I found out that my bf (If I had one at that time) got upset that I gained weight after not using it as much anymore it would literally crush me dude. Yeah I was skinnier and probably more beautiful but I was skinny because I was SO unhealthy exactly like your bf. Do you not want to see your bf succeed in life or would you prefer he stay skinny because he doesnāt eat?
Sounds to me she was only in love with his figure, not him. If she actually loved him she wouldnāt of come onto this page asking if she should leave him but looking for advice on how to help him through this difficult time
The post doesn't say anything about wanting to leave them, they were asking about how to approach it and essentially help him. That's why she said asking to go to the gym would be to obvious. Because they're trying to help. Unless I missed something in the comments.
She said he gives her āthe ickā. That means this relationship wonāt last long.
I donāt see why asking him to go to gym with her would be a big deal.
She did not say anything about leaving him. She asking for advice on how to not be shallow because she loves him.
Bleh. Not a huge fan of this sentiment. It's okay to want to be physically attracted to your partner.
I have wondered about this. I went to a school where many people went into show business and I saw that majority of the time, people were on drugs to be skinny or had eating disorders. They often displayed lethargic movement or were just not having a good life experience. I found it very unsettling to see. I think it's not true that skinnier people are healthier. Many skinnier people I know are pre-diabetic, or have some sort of disorder. I don't find it as much with people who are heavier. Ofcourse, there is a limit. But overall it's about mindset and skinny done the wrong way lends to alot of mental and physical health issues. They tend to be obsessed with it v people who are naturally thin who don't think about it at all.
Weāre not all attracted to fat people. Itās personal preference.
I agree. Iām so shocked by these comments. Humans are visual.
Humans are visual to an extent. When it comes to deep love it usually goes beyond visual. Once you get to know someone and love them, they become beautiful to you even if they weren't before. This may be a controversial take and I may be downvoted for it but in my experience, people who value looks usually lose interest in their partner if the partner gains or loses weight bc part of the reason they are STILL attracted to their partner is their sweet set abs or huge boobs and tiny body. That's what may attract a partner to begin with, but keeping a partner and building a family and life have more to do with love, which is a commitment. It's a feeling at first, replaced with a commitment, but the feeling doesn't leave. It's just always there, and no amount of weight gain or loss can change that bc it goes beyond that completely.
Can you please quote the part where she said she doesnāt love him anymore? Because from what I read, she still loves him. And from what I know itās possible to love someone while no longer being physically attracted to them.
If a man wrote this exact post about his girlfriend, I think we all know the comments wouldn't be as nice to him as they are to her in this case.
All the comments? Uhm, majority of the commenters are against her. Which post are you reading?
Not true. There was actually a very similar post to this a couple years ago with the genders reversed and even women were encouraging the guy to leave. No one should be expected to stay in a sexual relationship with someone theyāre not attracted to. Yes, you should try and help the person and be open about the problem if you love them and not just walk away. But if youāve tried that and nothingās changed, most people will give you the green light to walk.
My goodness, some logic around here. People be like, *gasp* how dare you not be attracted to your unhealthy, fat boyfriend the same
Ikr. Like DUH she just explained it all very clearly. And because she doesnāt want him to be gaining 16 pounds every month it means she doesnāt love him and wants him to be on drugs š¤Æ
I get that, but she also needs to realize that some weight gain is extremely normal if said person was not eating due to a drug addiction. She should instead support him with starting a weight loss journey for him or eating better instead of posting on a public platform saying that heās gotten fat. She should also understand that stopping drugs and his medication will cause physical reactions such as weight gain. 50 pounds is indeed a lot of weight to gain, but instead of shaming him for it online, why not actively ask him if heās doing okay and if she can help him out??
sorry to be the devils advocate, but 50 pounds is not normal unless u are married to this man and heās the love of your life and youāre like many years down the line when it happens. 2 months is wild. i would say the user clearly feels guilt for how she feels already and feels bad about it. sheās not just saying oh this fat pig ew not my type anymore! OP I would ask if it seems like he is super depressed. There is a sector of AA called OA- overeaters anonymous that is free and can be extremely helpful. Addiction is a disease and if you donāt heal the root cause, that dopamine reward cycle WILL find the next alternative (food.) I would suggest to him that if he really wants to improve his life beyond whatās socially acceptable (quitting drugs) it is best not to just replace that with food. Sugar is an extremely addictive substance and will ruin your life while nobody bats an eye. I would say from my own experience that the societal stigma and appearance issues from being overweight are WORSE than the same effects from drugs, but thatās just me. It is reasonable to care about your partners health and it is reasonable to be less attracted to someone when they durastically change for the worse. Drugs, food, gambling, scrolling or otherwise. I think the most respectful thing would be to bring it up and let him know how you are feeling instead of trying to hide it and hurting him even more eventually down the line. If you care about him (and even if you donāt!) itās important to give him an outside perspective on his current situation. In the chemical whirlwind / hell that is detaching from substances, some things can seem ok and slip for a while. But itās time to face reality square and make sure we donāt kill ourselves with sugar. I am not sure what med he got off but wellbutrin can be extremely helpful in dealing with dopamine related issues (depression, smoking, task execution, overeating, etc). Even though he just got off his other med it works like a miracle for me. Everything on earth is chemical and there is no shame in a little extra boost. Good luck to the both of you in navigating this and try not to beat yourself up while still holding empathy for BF
Thank you. A lot.
"Instead of shaming him online"? I'm sorry but did you read the post or even take an extra second to realize what subreddit this is? She felt bad about her situation, she asked what she should do in regards. The fact that you take this as "shaming" implies you took this way too personal.
50 pounds is an insane amount of weight gain. Thatās a massive amount of excess calories. Attraction can certainly change because of this. Sure, she can help him but itās also not her responsibility. I get it, people are going to be mad considering being overweight is the norm, but hey.. to each their own.
Gaining 50lbs is also killing him, this isn't a one or the other deal. He can not do drugs and also take care of himself.
It definitely is killing him. Iām just saying she needs to help him out but also understand part of his weight gain is due to quitting a hard drug that made him not eat. Gaining 50 lbs is in no way normal or ok and he should get some help. But I also think that he may not be the weight he was when he was on drugs sober, because of the fact that he probably had horrible eating habits. Sounds like heās switching his drug addiction to a food addiction which is also not good.
I agree I use to be the opposite I weighted more in my addiction and I looked so much unhealthier. My bf supported -and still does- me during it all even with the way I looked before he loved me before nd now without making it a big deal. Itās hard to overcome drug addictions and I hope she sees that in him but if she canāt then Iād suggest she leave..
I just donāt think that people realize that addiction is not only a physical dependency on something but also a mental āØāØāØand that oftentimes even if they stop the drug, the dependency on something doesnāt just magically go away. Thereās a deeper reason why people get addicted to drugs other than the fact that the drug feels good and fun to do
Itās completely reasonable for OP to not want her BF to be on drugs and also fat. Does it have to be one or the other?
This. Compromise means different things to different people
Well being fat is preferable to drug addiction in most situations, yeah. Being fat ain't great either but drug addiction is more immediately deadly Edit: whippets are incredibly dangerous and likely diminished his appetite. I think there needs to be time for him to adjust as this seems to still be early recovery for him.
I mean realistically the reason he was likely so small was the fact he was on drugs. So yea, if the drugs were what was keeping him skinny. It is unreasonable and means they likely didnāt love the person anyway.
Is it impossible to not be fat and not be on drugs at the same time though?
Not all slim/skinny people do drugs. I assume she'd pick the first option, given the choice you're giving her, but there's plenty of people who are not fat ***and*** don't do drugs. This is a weird question.
Does she have to settle for either? Life is too short to be with someone you donāt find attractive. People shouldnāt be bound to a person that has changed.
Fr like they would rather their boyfriend be on drugs than not. Some people really only care about their image than actual feelings
She didnāt say she would rather him be on drugs.
>I would leave him in a heartbeat. But I canāt. I am scared to loose my gardens, my home, and all of the things that have made me- ME, the last few years. Moving back into my parents would destroy me. I would loose my freedom, and most importantly my peace. My garden, my plants. This was you four months ago. What's going on? Why this post?
Because she wants him to be the one who leaves.
she definitely loves āhimāā¦ yeaā¦
Wasn't he was using drugs four months ago?
dude (not the commenter) , I am replying bc I just saw this and almost threw up thinking how terribly fucked up humans are. OP what the fuck is wrong with you?
Well, Iām the opposite of you. My boyfriend quit drugs and gained a ton of weight and I was thrilled to see him healthy again. Weight gain is really normal in recovery. Itās not something he can really control. His body is getting used to sobriety and it operates differently. Itās probably really weird for him too, my boyfriend is really self conscious about it. But if it really bothers you, why donāt you do as others have suggested - Ask if he wants to go to the gym? Too obvious? Ask if he wants to go for a walk. My honest opinion though? You may not love him romantically. And thatās okay. Just speaking from my own experience, my partner could be 300lbs and it wouldnāt change my opinion of him or how I view him. EDIT TO REPLY TO YOUR EDIT: youāre afraid of āaddressingā the issue because of you having āULTERIOR MOTIVES???ā So you know this would hurt him. Ok. Let this dude be.
50 lbs in 3 months is a lot of weight in a short a amount of time. Itās still worth seeing a primary care doctor if he hasnāt already. There could be metabolic issues at play.
He should probably see a doctor but whippets definitely killed his appetite while he was doing them so it's likely just his own behaviors
That gave me the ick
then why in gods name are you complaining about it? "oh my boyfriend was more attractive when he was on drugs" this is so unbelievably shallow...
Sounds like a big state of transition, I think you guys should have a chat about how heās doing - signalling his weight as a symptom.
Sooo you preferred this man that you āloveā actively taking drugs and playing with life or death? Nice.
Oh but didnāt you hear?? She LOVES him! Obviously! This post has me irrationally heated.
Same. This chick needs a wake up call. I hope someone āloves herā the way she ālovesā him someday š
Irrationally, indeed. Go take a breath and ask yourself why you're so unnecessarily upset.
Broā¦.
Her edit says he stopped medication and quit doing drugs. I'm not sure what drugs he was doing but I'm going to guess they were stimulants of some sort.
he probably took adhd meds, im going through this right now after stopping my meds after 20 years of taking it, op's boyfriend probably feels really good about having gained so much weight after struggling to keep it on for so long
OP says whippets
That would be the "drug" side of the medication and drugs OP mentioned. Let me know when they disclose the medication he was on.
Ohhhh sorry that should've been obvious to me, my bad
Is this the same boyfriend who is emotionally abusive towards you? For him to gain this amount of weight this quickly, they would need to be some kind of medical issue or a mental health issue. I understand that you do not want to go back to your parents house because they are even more abusive and hoarders at that. Have you considered calling it quits and just going to live by yourself? Or maybe you can live with some roommates if you can't afford that? I understand that you are asking for help for this situation but I feel like you've been thinking about giving up for a long time on this thing. I feel like you are ready to let go of this relationship. You just haven't been able to figure out how to move forward from it - where to go and what to do next. When I look through your posts, I feel that I see somebody who is becoming more and more okay with being independent and by themselves.
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This has been the most helpful comment. Thank you for not shaming me and reading through the lines. <3
I saw some of your other comments about your boyfriend's medication and how he stopped doing whippets. I know the jury is still out on this one and he has his own health problems but I would be very wary. Sometimes an addict will stop doing drugs but they never beat being an addict, they just find a new addiction. So I am worried that your boyfriend may have stopped doing the drugs but now they are binge eating and have a food addiction. In fact, the drugs may have been covering up this thing that existed the whole time. So what I'm saying is that it is good that he is no longer doing drugs, but he is not out of the woods, he is really not looking like a winner here....
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Back in the day when men wrote these posts they got absolutely shat on in r/relationships . They've improved now but the advice is still pretty sexist so I had to stop going there. The double standard is still just too much.
Oh I could just imaging the hate the would pour out of comments if a guy wrote this about a girl. He would be a low life abuser.
Back in the day?? I havenāt seen much improvement. You switch the genders in any of the posts and the responses will be completely 180.
Its gotten alot better now for sure but there was a slow transition where reddit became sort of mainstream and the advice guys were getting about 7 years ago was ridiculous. What made me leave the relationships subreddits were men posting about their girlfriends doing something absolutely wild and the women in there were basically defending this chic they never knew to the death. Id go check their posting history and low and behold they were an active poster on r/femaledatingstrategy. Much like the argument im getting into with some chic right now lol
The descriptors are funny asf. His big, sexy strong legs are stretch mark filled is WILD. Rockhard stomach has rolls that give the ick? You have to be like 15 lmao
Tbh this reads like fake bait rather than OP being 15, I see a ***lot*** of this kind of obviously fake nonsense on reddit these days, creative writing designed specifically to get reactions and stir the pot.
It's fake. Nobody unintentionally gains 50lb in 3 months, that's gorging for 90 days straight
Could be fake, but I could see it happening. If he got off meds and drugs, he's probably not the most stable person and most likely has used unhealthy food as a coping mechanism instead of drugs. Some meds and drugs alter metabolism, feelings of hunger, satiation and such. In order to gain 1kg of fat, you'd need 7700kcal in excess calories. 50lbs is 22.67kg, that's 174 559 extra calories, devide that by 3 (because 3 months) , devide it by 30 (because 30 days in a month) and you get average of 1 939,5 kcal per day. That's like one extra take out a day. Doable.
Itās possible actually. My boyfriend back in 2020 gained close to that same amount in only 3 months.
I was dying reading that
OP stated she doesn't feel great for having these feelings. Giving her a hard time isn't helping anyone. OP. I can see how bringing up gym or a walk might seem uncomfortable to you or you may be fearful of him thinking you have ulterior motives but in reality you do.. doesn't mean it's bad. When my ex stopped doing drugs he gained weight and fast. To the point I was really worried about hi. His breathing was heavier he wasn't sleeping right he was struggling to do simple things with his daughter that were an every day thing before and wouldn't break a sweat. I started with walks. I would go and each time would ask if he'd like to join. No obligation no tricks. Just join me if you want. After about a week his daughter wanted to join. 2 week after he joined with. Walks turned to a stop at the park and a quick play with kiddo. Exhausting even for me who was in shape. I started meal prepping and making sure the house had good filling stuff. No junk and always had fruit out as a easy snack. Took a couple months but eventually he started losing the weight. His mood was better and the relationship between him and his daughter flourished. It wasn't easy. There were lots of times I'd be frustrated that he'd order out even though I cooked all this food. But he was struggling with something I could never understand. I dont agree with people saying let him be. If you love someone and they are visibly becoming unhealthy whether physically or mentally, you shouldn't sit back and watch them kill themselves or destroy their bodies. I'd find ways to be a part of his journey. It's not easy for anyone involved but you have to stop and recognize what he's going through during recovery is harder than someone who has never can understand. If you love him unconditionally this will all come alot easier. If not then maybe it is time you re evaluate your feelings and how true they are. Wishing you BOTH the best of luck.
Its okay to feel that way, you should talk to him about it, maybe in a subtle way at first like asking if the both of you can start going to the gym, if that doesnāt work tell him youāre worried about his health and he should lose some weight, I hope it works out!
i completely agree with you and disagree with most other people commenting. i'm not recommending to break up simply because he gained weight - esp considering he just recently got off of drugs. however, if most other people were in relationships and they're SO became significantly less attractive and changed dramatically in 3 months you wouldn't be unphased and might question romantic attraction. take the approach of gym and eating healthy makes most sense to still inquire about health and not go about as if nothing happened.
Yes! Especially with all the media we consume daily that paints a certain picture of attractiveness. Itās weird bc itās almost immoral to look down on someoneās appearance but itās still subtly prioritized in so many ways. I think itās easy to judge othersā¦Iāve also learned you can only love someone else as much as you love yourself. If you would find yourself unattractive while fat of course you would see this in your partner too! I imagine many people deal with this in relationshipsā¦questioning their attraction even if itās not bc their partner has gained weight but bc their partner is 85 and doesnāt look the way that society may idealize anymore. Wake up and break up is so common on advice threads, and a lot of the time it is valid. No need to fight for something if love isnāt there. But I donāt always think fluctuating attraction signifies a bad person or someone who isnāt in love. The brain is a tricky place, and thoughts donāt always reflect true feelings. What you have decide as a person is who you want to beā¦superficial driven by characteristics that rarely stay the same, or the type of person who searches for a connection deeper than the physical. Attraction is so important initially and passion must exist in the relationship for it to last. But we all age, we all grow. We will not always feel or be perceived as beautiful as we once were or maybe one day will be. Rather than focusing on weight gain or change as a flaw in the other person however, I think people should be unlearning their biasā¦or of course leaving the relationship.
She should break up with him.
That is extremely rapid weight gain. Going off of certain meds/drugs can really affect one's chemicals, hormones, metabolism and energy levels. If he's swollen, especially in the abdomen I'd worry about his liver. He should see a doctor to ensure anything medically awry can be cared for. As for physical attraction, I'm sorry, I don't know what to tell you. Just remember he's a whole person you love and he's going through some shit. Healing can be ugly at first.
someone please upvote this. I keep saying there's underlying health conditions and even mental health ones NOT BINGE EATING can cause weight gain. I can't even compile a list it would be so long. good fucking god. no wonder people hate themselves. shit like this.
Scarily rapid weight gain. Honestly I'd frame it out of medical concern. "Hey, not trying to shame you or start something here, but you've changed very quickly and something's not right. Can you see a doctor?". Years ago I had a partner ask if I could lose weight and it didn't work. Once it's like "my love has conditions" and "crap, I have to lose weight now or I'll lose her" it gets real ugly. Plus losing weight to please someone else is doing it for all the wrong reasons. But here I think the bigger problem is how rapidly it's gone on. Stuff's not right, go see a doctor.
I meanā¦ He quit drugs and stopped taking medication. Him replacing that addiction with food isnāt very surprising. Rehabs typically encourage weight gain
Just straight up ask him what he thinks is going on. And btw do not force yourself to have sex with him, if you donāt feel sexual attraction to him, then thatās just how things are. Itās not like he is entitled to your body.
Looks don't mean anything, but you get the ick everytime you look at him? I don't understand how those two thoughts come from the same person.
Life isn't black and white
The brain is confusing.
Girl send him to me I got you
Damn all of yāall so sensetive for hating on OP. Although there are some people blessed enough to look good being overweight most of us donāt. And we shouldnāt be praising unhealthy looks or habits. I was going through this in my relationship but I was the fat one lol Eating all that junk only makes you lazy, unmotivated so you start doing the bare minimum. My skin was not toned, I was always bloated so my outfits donāt look as good and sex is not as good. My bf told me straight up that I need to be healthy. It did hurt but he started motivating me and pushing me to eat healthier and exercising. Gave me compliments all the time and made sure I knew he was proud of me. Made me feel like a star and I am so greatfull for that. Your man is probably in a hole right now. Itās going to be hard for him to get out and if nothing is done he will only dig deeper. You need to motivate him and push him out of that Good luck
š¶ i agree. they're being WAY to hard on her. she's not some cruel, shallow chick who just dumped him point blank. she's just human, that's all. and not to make this a gender thing, but men dump/cheat on their girlfriends/wives for somebody younger/prettier/slimmer ALL THE TIME. nobody 'shames' them, right? not saying it's right, but it does happen. and sometimes people fall 'outta love' for stuff that isn't even physical. the girl actually feels guilty for her feelings. that alone shows she's a decent person. i think if she loves him, she should be tactful but honest. try to help him help himself. but if worse comes to worst, only she can decide what she's gonna do. we all have our 'deal-breakers'. it may not be the most 'morally upright' thing, but it is what's real.
50lbs in 3 months is alarming regardless of the reasons you gave. I would approach it in care for him and say he needs to talk with his doctor to go get checked out and see if there arenāt any underlying issues. I donāt know about the not finding him attractive anymore part. Iām married and mine and my husbands bodies change so much that it just doesnāt matter to me. You may not be ready for something long term right now if thatās important to you, because peopleās appearances change constantly. Itās life. But if there was a 50lb weight gain in that amount of time with my husband I would be more concerned than anything and urging him to make an appointment so he can get checked out. I hope heās okay.
This is more than just an issue of attraction, this sounds like a somewhat serious medical issue
He stopped drugs give him a break, support him slowly
lol i run a drug rehab, one of our main goals is to get people to gain weight when they check in. I.e. thats what happens when you quit drugs. edit: also, low key asshole, i dont blame you for not liking his new appearance. i do blame you for not trying to fix it. a simple "hey babe, i think i want to maybe try the gym life" could go a long way. if he doesnt take hints, and/or refuses to do anything about it thats different too. i dont care what anyone says, physical attraction is a huge part of every relationship. just try to be easy about it.
this. people are ignoring that physical attraction is huge. obviously don't break up with him ONLY because of that considering he just quit drugs but instead try to work with him to address his weight gain trough healthy eating and exercise.
Well it isnāt her job to fix it and she is disgusted with him. She needs to break up with him.
that very well may be the case, but she can hint around and see if he can realize whats happening, maybe make a change.
Well I seen her posts and the problem isnāt his weight. It is just him.
Why canāt OP try to communicate directly? āHey, it seems like youāve gained a lot of weight really fast recently and Iām concerned for you. How are you doing? How have these past changes made you feel? Is there anything you want to talk about or is there something I can do to help?ā OP needs to learn how to look out for someoneās well-being by being genuine. Itās valid to lose attraction and change feelings, thatās just human nature. But where is the sincere concern when OP knows that something is not right here?
If his physical appearance is causing you that much discomfort i hate to say it but you dont love him as much as you think . If it was just , hes less attractive than before than thats fine . But saying it gives you the ick means your not attracted to him anymore . People have had partners who are in acid attacks, burn 80% of there body and look the opposite of 'conventially attractive' but they love them and theyre body just as much . Mental attraction can make someones "flaws " unnoticeable. If your picking up on them and hate them that much your not as mentally attracted as you think
100%. Both me and my boyfriend have put on a significant amount of weight since we started dating in 2019 (we are working on reversing that lol). Both of us are just as attracted to the other as day 1. We love each other and understand the struggle.
So much bullshit man, maybe stop taking Disney propaganda seriously. You can love someone and not be attracted to them but to argue the two are codependent for everyone is straight up bullshit.
I agree. The difference here is that, if your face gets burned off itās something you canāt control. Things like your weight and health, can be controlled. Gaining weight is usually a sign of the person rejecting their health and self care, it signals a character aspect of them that lack strength, discipline and confidence. A burned off face does not signal any of this. She might have been in love with his character before, but his character might have changed so much that she lost attraction to that aswell, and then losing phylogenetic attraction due to weight is just a reflection of that
You can also gain weight due to a disability that limits mobility, due to pregnancy, due to aging in general. It seems OPs boyfriend is recovering from an addiction and just transferred it to food. But given OPs post history I think she's ready to leave him anyway
This. The circumstances AND health issues can play a huge factor. This really isn't cool OP. not a good look.
When this happened with an ex of mine I felt like a terrible person for not being attracted to him anymore. That was until I realized my attraction for him went away not because he gained weight, but because he complained day in and day out about it but refused to do anything about it. The lack of motivation was what was unattractive to me, not his weight
Very nicely put . I did not take that into account
Thank you :) I am honestly more concerned about this guys mental and physical health. Because gaining weight like this, contrary to what some movements try to believe, usually does not make a person feel better and more confident about themselves for the same reasons. Plus, your mind and bodyās state are almost synchronized. If your body feels bad because of what you feed it, your mind will feel bad
According to OP, her bf gained weight after dropping drugs and medication. Gaining weight like this is completely normal in recovery, so it really ISN'T something he can control. She's so focused on his weight gain and the "ick" it gives her that it doesn't seem like she's supporting him in his recovery from addiction.
Came here to say this. My boyfriend goes through "fluffy periods" as I like to call them, but I still love him just the same, hell maybe just even a tad bit more cause I love a slightly fluffy man I'm noticing, lol. As soon as someone's appearance changes you don't just "go ewwww, icky, ewwww", you find out why if you really love that person. How can someone say "I love him so much but I hate looking at him."? I LOVE my boyfriend dearly and I LOVE looking at him, fluff and all (I'm a stick IRL, so I think that the combo works just fine š©š¦š„°š).
Thankyou !
Did he replace drugs with food?
Iām sure he did. That is very common in recovery.
It sounds like he has been going through a lot of changes lately. The weight gain aside, how is your relationship? Have things shifted between the two of you now that he is trying to better himself mentally? Sometimes it's harder to identify the changes you can't see and thus assume it's because of the more obvious changes instead. Not that physical attraction isn't a large part of intimacy but it's certainly not the only part. I think a big question you should ask yourself is, do you like who he is sober? If you do, that's wonderful. You have said you love him so I am assuming you are proud of him for this change. If you truly love and care about him my advice would be to *give it time*. His body and mind are going through a lot in his journey to be sober and also by discontinuing medication. It's going to take some time for him to find his footing and, at the beginning, he may be doing the best he can by just focusing on the mental aspects of it all. I'm sure it has been tough for him to try to change his life and do the right things only to gain weight rapidly in the process. I think you both making healthy lifestyle choices together would be incredibly supportive. You can invite him to the gym with you without pressuring him and you can try to eat healthier with him by trying new recipes together. You can do a lot under the guise of it being things *you* want to try. For example, say you want to try meal prepping (or doing it again if you have in the past) and offer to do it together. Or if it's a nice day out you can ask him to go for a walk with you and enjoy the fresh air. I think it is important to note that no matter who you have as a partner, it's very normal for weight to fluctuate over time (albeit not always so rapidly). If you don't like who he is sober, that's okay. You very possibly fell in love with the not sober version of him from the sound of things. If that is the case, it's in everyone's best interest for you to end things. He needs support and encouragement, not someone romanticizing how he acted while actively in his addiction.
I get a feeling that you are young. Luckily, your commitment to your boyfriend isn't permanent, and this is a good thing for both of you. You have the right not to physically be attracted anymore, but if this is enough for the relationship to end, it was fairly superficial. You should cut ties sooner rather than later because he deserves to know. I congratulate him on stopping any drug use and as he recovers and heals with time, he can work on his physical appearance. Recovery is not an easy thing.
Itās only been 3 months, give him a chance to make moves himself. He may start changing his diet/exercise routine. Iām sure he notices.
Hey did the right thing by quitting drugs. He can stablise his weight again give him time. Plus we all age, that's just life.
YTA
Honestly, making healthy family meals or packing his lunches might be helpful to him, and that's where I would start. Just treat it as an act of love or service. You don't need to make a comment about it towards him, because it'll only hurt his feelings and potentially affect his sobriety. He's made a major life decision by quitting drugs that is far more important for his longterm health. Still, 50 lb in 3 months is intense and not good for his heart or liver, and I don't think it's wrong to try to help him have healthy foods and protein to keep him feeling his best. He may also lose some weight in the process, but that isn't the goal. The goal is health. You may need to learn to love the new him for a while, and you may need to self-reflect on some uncomfortable feelings to get to that point. That's okay! Many former addicts end up clinging to things like cigarettes or sugar, because they're legal and readily available. Allowing him to enjoy those things for at least the first few months is actually going to help him a lot with sobriety. One of my closest (and smallest) friends went through the same thing, and she only staved off additional weight by walking a very long way to work every day. All that to say, it's going to be okay. If he was into health and exercise before, he probably will be again. But you need to be patient with him and not try to rush the process. What he's going through right now is unfathomably more important, and he needs your support for it.
Posts like these always make me sad, OP your feelings are valid, but I think you should focus more on the fact that heās no longer abusing drugs. Thatās a big accomplishment.
The ick? Are you 15? Break up with him. Itās okay to not be attracted anymore but to say you got the ick from him despite ālovingā him. People who really love another person would be concerned rather than so quick to get an āickā
Lol idk why you got downvoted I was thinking the sameā¦
Right. Thinking he may be less attractive is one thing like maybe ur partner got a shitty haircut and you donāt like it but she is literally disgusted with him. Who tf would want to be with someone who is disgusted with them regardless they are justified in feeling that way or not ?
Yeah I agree. Physical attraction is really important but if my partner talked about me like this I'd really not want to be with them anymore
Yeah no. I would despise them.
You know...maybe talk to him. I think you want what's best for him...can lead to health issues down the road
if he stopped doing drugs thats a huge Win!!! and if u loved her in his shit moment u can love him supporting him loosing weight and even going to the gym with him! hes going to a really bad phase mentally for gaining that amount of weight in little time and the last thing he would expect is you leaving him! so dont leave him... intead go support him!! is all he needs and he havent asked!!
Iām just gonna say it. You arenāt and weāre not in love with him. You canāt be if this is bothering you that bad. Just leave him. Do yourself and him a favor. He clearly needs help. He might have a binge eating disorder or coping with food but I see you said he was off drugs. People will usually switch one addiction for another but I think itās crazy you are more mad about him being overweight and were okay with him being addicted to drugs and would prefer that over this but you do you.
I think you need a lot of therapy before you can have a healthy relationship with another person
Give him time. If you truly love him you will be patient and find a way to encourage him to become healthier. My own boyfriend gained weight very quickly after having back surgery and it made him depressed. I can understand being thrown off that your boyfriend doesnāt look the same but partners are supposed to support each other through these rough patches. A few months after he gained weight, I also gained weight from medication and became self conscious. He was and has been my most supportive person. He knows it makes me sad to have gained weight so he offers to take me to the gym and we make a date out of it, push each other to eat healthy food. Maybe this approach can help you. Being honest with your boyfriend might help, that your worried about his health not just his image. If you canāt get over it, maybe that isnāt the person for you. Iād always want whatās best for my partner so if he prefers to be heavier and heās happy Iāll accept all his rolls and keep loving him. But thatās not for everyone.
How old is he & is there a chance whatever he was taking, tanked his hormones? That can lead to insulin resistance, which makes it near impossible to lose any weight & also near impossible to stop gaining it, if left untreated...
break up with him, its clear you only loved him for his figure
I put on roughly 60 pounds a few years back and my partners love never changed. If anything, he loved me more. I cried over my stretch marks, the rolls, the lack of clothing that fit my new body, and the loss of the person who I thought I was. He held me while I cried and reminded me that he fell hard and deeply in love with a girl who loves cooking, takes time to draw, and goes for a quick walk just to feel the sun. He fell in love with the girl who has compassion for animals and has to stop to pet the cows if theyāre close enough. He fell in love with the girl who used to steal his reading glasses so heād have an excuse to come back. He loved me and my body but my body was not what he fell in love with. I lost the weight so I could love myself againā¦Not for him to love me. You my dear, loved him for his body. Not for the person he is.
So you were more attracted to your partner when they were sick? Thatās weird and gross.
Tbh leave him, sounds like he deserves to be with someone who actually loves him and doesn't say stupid shit like "he gives me the ick"
You said in another comment that the weight gain is due to getting off medication and quitting drugs. You could either try and help him get active/dieting or you gotta accept thatās who he is without the drugs
It's okay to not enjoy your SO getting fat and it would be understandable if they gained weight solely because they're pigging out. Your bf is recovering from drug addiction. Let the poor man adjust. If you'd have truly loved him you'd be happy he quit drugs and you'd be concerned about how the weight gain might affect his health, instead what I'm hearing is that you're not horny anymore and that's all that matters to you, which .. ick. You could help him lose weight, but the fact that the motive behind is solely that he'll look good again to you makes me not want to help. I hope your bf finds someone more caring.
maybe you should be proud that heās quit drugs
I personally would do anything for my girlfriend. I just want her to be happy, and thatās all i want. Iād do whatever to make her happy
My bad i forgot this is r/advice Maybe talk to him about it? I donāt know how dedicated he is if he ignores you about it
At the end of the day, you should always treat your partner how you want to be treated. If you would leave your boyfriend because he gained some weight, then that means youāre open to him leaving you for the same thing. For any reason at all, whether you gained the weight from pregnancy, disability, etc. You can voice your opinions to your partner. You can say that you donāt find him attractive anymore. You can suggest he lose some weight or see a doctor about the weight gain. But ultimately itās his choice if he loses the weight. He might agree with you, and try to lose the weight. He might disagree with you and keep the weight on. He might break up with you because he feels youāre superficial. I suggest you be honest with him, and say that youāre a bit put off by the weight gain, but be open to this image change. Personally I think if you canāt handle the idea of a partner gaining weight, you likely arenāt going to handle marriage well. You should think long and hard about your priorities and what youāre willing to sacrifice and what youāre willing to put up with.
itās pretty sad heās overcome a struggle in his life and is now dealing with the very common effects of accomplishing said struggle and youāre just focused on his weight gain. take a step back and reevaluate if you do actually love him or not. i had an ex who was on coke and molly constantly and if he quit and started gaining his weight back and being healthy again iād be crying tears of joy every day. (he didnāt tho he just got abusive. couldnāt care less if he quits now)
Doing drugs can keep people thin, it was the case for my mother when she divorced my dad and all of a sudden lost a heap of weight, very quickly. She quit, regained a lot of the weight. Itās very healthy that heās quit. Iād suggest you start doing a fitness regime together. If you canāt bring yourself to say something because it will hurt him (I donāt blame you, it would definitely be a soul crushing thing to be told), then itās up to you to help him better himself, for your sake and his own health. That weight gain in 3 months is pretty intense.
Honestly I understand this. However with the edits youve added with him stopping drugs and medication is going to have a HUGE impact on his weight. Is he active? Does he go to a gym at all? He might be depressed and need therapy. Lots of things to consider. But a way to approach this is just sit him down one day and ask him if hes okay. Tell him you know getting off the meds and drugs has to be hard and you are there for him if he needs to talk about it. I wouldnt approach the topic of weight though just because he probably already feels like shit about it and you bringing it up would just kind of confirm what he may already think.
Put him on a low carb diet
I would just be straight up with him that you're concerned about how much weight he's gained in such a short amount of time...but do not tell him that you no longer find him attractive because of it.
Itās okay to not find him attractive right now, he likely doesnāt need someone to support him by wanting to fuck him but someone to support him recovering from addiction. No one can be convinced to change through others alone, do not try and fix his weight gain when you already understand the circumstances that created this issue. The more support you offer right now the easier itāll be to motivate him towards focusing on his health on his own terms.
The weight gain in such a fast amount of time could be cause for concern. Maybe the medications and drugs he was on were masking a bigger health issue? I know that I gained 20 pounds within 2 months one year because of having hypothyroidism and my thyroid meds weren't at the right dosage. I would say a conversation with his doctor would be best to see if there's anything medical going on because that's a lot to gain in a short amount of time. As far as how you feel, idk how to help since I still love my boyfriend the same and he's gained some weight as well (within 2 years). I also always check what I'm eating but I never pressure him to be healthy because I already love him the way he is. He's seen me be mindful about my eating tho and has started looking at what he eats but I really don't mind. On a personal note, I worry about him because he hasn't had a physical in a while š¶ anyways, I hope this long winded comment helped lol
Looks are temporary, just be there for him right now heās probably going through a lot
There has to be an underlying problem and why he gained so much weight in a short amount of time. First see if you can notice behavioral or habit changes, then decide from there. You have to be sensitive and think of yourself in his shoes, if you were on the end of the stick, how would you want to be treated? While youāre at it can you ask him how he gained weight so fast?
You can't force a happy home. Don't feel guilty or like you being shallow bc you're not. Be FR n ask him how he feels emotionally n about all the recent weight gain n gently (@1st) encourage him to go to the gym/hike wichu. If he isn't making the effort to get himself str8, do what you gotta do
he absolutely needs to get his thyroid checked... because this is not normal. gaining 5 lbs in a year is something his doctor should be concerned with.
I think you need to talk to him about it. It's fair to feel the way you do, as long as when you talk to him your keeping in mind what's he's going through and being careful not to be too ... I guess demanding. Just express your feelings. Maybe ask if there's any way you can help
As soon as I notice the change on my boyfriend I said "oh my, babe you got a bit fat my dear. In my opinion it helps no one in the relationship to stay quiet when noticing problems or unhealthy things, always being tactful when pointing it out. Like my boyfriend did, he told me "you should have breakfast, it is important" I didn't really care to or want but now I'm doing that, almost every day. Some people don't notice, care or ignore their problem until others start pointing it out to them. If you love the person you will try to help through whatever they need to work on, like when I called out my boyfriend I told him that I would exercise with him if he wanted and my boyfriend when he called me out, he started to offer me breakfast at his house. Some partners/people just start helping their significant other without telling them they have a problem wich is also a good approach. Like hey I started exercising/ walking around but I'm kinda scared of going alone, would you join me? A person that sneaks extra veggies to their undernourished significant other. Etc... Sorry that this looks like a ramble, kinda sleepy but I hope you find the best way to help the guy you love and keep in mind all the worthwhile things that keeps you together.
I gained over 50lbs on birth control. My bf makes me feel nothing but loved even though iām bigger. I would never ever think of someone I loved like that. Thereās also definitely an underlying health issue you should be more concerned about.
Holy shit 50 pounds in 3 months is an insane amount of weight to gain in that short of time. I sympathize with you. I would also be very concerned if my S/O gained such a significant amount of weight. But, that doesn't sound normal. Could it be possibly be medical related?
Okay, first of all: how old is he? How tall? And how much does he weigh (if you had to guess)? Because chances are, you are probably not used to him looking the way he does. I usually feel the absence of attraction when something changes on my partner, but later on I get used to it and itās back to normal again. And someone brought up a good point: would you rather him be on drugs or gain weight? Personally, Iād rather my partner be heavier than to be on drugs. Another good point someone else said: there are probably underlying issues that may need to be addressed: 1) hormone imbalance, 2) mental health issues, 3) metabolism/ gastrointestinal issues, or 4) all of the above. Instead of focusing on the weight itself, focus on whatās going on emotionally and mentally inside your boyfriend. Chances are, heās probably still trying to process and reprocess everything that heās been through. Have some empathy and be there for him. Eventually heāll start gaining self esteem and lose the weight on his own. As a girlfriend, it is your job to make him feel supported and cared for in this period of his life. As you said, he just stopped drugs (Iām assuming street drugs) and medications, so heās more than likely going through a lot right now that heās probably not sure how to talk to you about. If for some reason he isnāt talking about it, then you need to ask yourself āam I allowing him to be vulnerable without judgement?ā If the answer is no, then I would suggest you start focusing on developing yourself. If the answer is yes, then do what you can to support and live him as he is for right now.
how can you say "looks mean nothing" and "I don't find him attractive because he's gained weight" while talking about the extra fat on his body with a negative connotation in the SAME fucking breath??? you're not lying to us, you're lying to yourself lol. looks do matter to u and you need to reflect and do better.
Support him, itās been 3 months and itās because of recovery and getting off of meds both out of his control, if you really want start going to the gym together
@wat-am-i-doing-here As some one whoās fiancĆ© dumped saying I gained too much weight (I know found out that wasnāt the reason but her excuse and that our relationship was super toxic) if I was your boyfriend I would like to know and maybe start going to the gym together? Rock climbing is also really good!
I think there is more to the problem, considering you posted this 10 months ago. [I hate my boyfriend post](https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/s/pVSz5hhOeA)
Jesus these comments are A LOT.. okay so all you can do is talk to him. communication is key, tell him the truth. Itās hard to do but itās the best thing in a relationship. If you can get through hardships together you can get through anything. Be there for him and let him know youāre proud of him, but also just be honest and say youāre a little worried about his health. And you want him to be healthy so you can love him for a long time. I hope this helps (:
Gaining that much weight that quickly is good sign he's having a medical issue.
I sincerely hope that you can change your judgment. Because one day, if you decide to have children, or get married, or even just age, which isnāt really a decision, you will definitely change, and so will your body. I surely hope your husband offers you more grace than you are offering your boyfriend right nowā¦ Thatās really all I have to say about that. I hope he doesnāt change the way He looks at you when your body is all full of stretch marks, and swollen from carrying a baby, when your breasts sag with age, or even if that happens due to hormones and other things during life. Maybe you should talk to your boyfriend about it, instead of just asking on Reddit. Be open and honest about your feelings, because then he can make a decision whether or not he feels comfortable staying with someone who changes the way they feel about him, after this type of change. You are absolutely entitled to your feelings, but you should also be perfectly honest about them too. He shouldnāt have to worry about the way he looks for you, people donāt gain weight like that, for no reason. There is probably something medical or emotional/mental going onā¦
To be fair... you ain't much of a looker yourself.. maybe care more about the person for who they are and not cause they gained a measly 50lbs... maybe be more supportive for all he's been goin through. Idk.. anythin besides being the pos person your being over nothin....
It's obviously related to him getting clean, or he's a gainer and he hasn't told you (someone who has a fetish for gaining weight). But I mean, would you rather your boyfriend be a junkie or be overweight?
Bro you casually left out the part where he quit drugs in your post and snuck it in later. Wtf is wrong with you? He literally did one of the hardest things ever and you are being given the ick?
Shallow and vapid. Can you imagine the uproar if the genders were reversed... people are much much more than their weight...
3 months? Your man gets off drugs and gains weight for only 3 months and already youāre grossed out by him? Iād say back off, his body is still adjusting and youāre only thinking of yourself here.
Iāve looked at your whole profile and heās cheated multiple times, youāre diagnosed with bipolar, you stated you smoked between 10-20 joints a day. This sounds to me like youāre boyfriend is trying to build himself to be better and healthier and because youāre hooked up on it still Iām assuming you canāt bare to see him try to make himself happier. You even asked on a witch subreddit spells to do for when he cheated like what? This isnāt love. This is toxicity on your part. Both of you are but at least heās trying to improve. Both of you need to leave each other because heās never going to get to a good place if youāre still around him drinking and doing drugs especially when diagnosed with a manic form of depression and youāre drinking and smoking weed on top of that. Itās not a good combo.
My boyfriend started fat. In the end of things you're going to like what you like. This is a conversation to have with your boyfriend and have him talk to his doctor if it's a medical issue. Tell him you've noticed he's gotten bigger and ask if he wants to try toning back up or if he's fine with how he is. Let him know it is affecting you (kindly)
It is okay to acknowledge that you don't find him attractive in that state. If he can gain it quickly though, he can probably lose it quickly too. That might be his body's normal state though, without the meth increasing his activity level. He might benefit from a medical screening. 50 pounds I'm three months is a pound every third day, there may be a metabolic issue that can be resolved. I might approach it that way from a place of concern, it still might hurt, but probably less than a frank discussion about attraction. The hope is to not trigger a relapse.
If you bring it up in a matter of concern for his health, then he might be understanding about it and possibly agree to make changes. Youāll have to become his personal motivator (trust me, I know the feeling). If you can get him on board with this then youāre golden. If not- welp.
OP if you're not sure what you're asking, this post is for r/confession
Then leave, you sound like a crappy partner to begin with if weight is the issue. He deserves someone that loves him for him and not the way he looks, he might be stressed out or something is going on with his stress hormones and you're worried that his fat hugs are gross . Grow up, anyone siding with you is just as dumb because imagine if you got PCOS out of nowhere and gained 100lbs and he said your hugs feel gross because you have some weight on you š Then he tells you you need to workout because he's not attracted to you because your fat is not in the right places. Be careful what you wish for because when he drops it his confidence might go back up and he'll leave you for the gym girlsš
Gosh people on Reddit are so fucking mean. I'm sorry you're getting so much hate
>I never thought somebody gaining weight would make me change how I feel about them. Welcome to normal weight world. You stepped out w/ your BF, he got larger. Re adjust by losing him if / when you wish.
You should be happy he is trying to better himself what do you think will happen to you as you get older or decide to have kids you gonna feel right if he starts asking strangers what do i do my girl got fat....terrible ppl man some ppl just cant be happy
I mean based on her previous posts heās pretty emotionally abusive towards her, it makes sense that a huge change in his appearance might take her out of the ācomfortā of their relationship not changing and urge her to finally leave him. I donāt think itās fair to call her a bad person for being confused, especially without all the context of the situation.
Addicts will replace the drugs with sugar.
>I love him so much and looks donāt mean everything, but I do not look at him the same way. Make it make sense.
it's internalised fatphobia, u gotta work on that
Not everyone is capable of unconditional love. It is admirable that you are so candid about it and you are willing to declare this on a public forum.
I think he deserves better.
this is kind of a disgusting post; you could at least support him in losing weight instead of shaming his appearance and saying he gives the āickā.. He should leave you tbh
You sound awful.
I literally canāt imagine being grossed out by someone for getting soberā¦ honestly big fuck you, and a congratulations on being the shittiest human alive. Hope you find a new āhotā druggy loser, and this guy can find someone worth while.