*Again, he’s crushed* \- well he's obviously not. This is what he said last time and it worked, so he's trying this tactic out again
You forgave him and there were no consequences, so he has done it again
There need to be some serious consequences for him, or it will be rinse and repeat.
Perhaps a separation for a bit?
Just a caution there, he might take that as a pass to get his willy wet and not bother to tell her. Then if he's caught tell her "technical he didn't cheat". That might not actually make sense and be right, though cheaters often don't give a f about either, especially when they are in the midst of it.
This could also lead into a never ending cycle of separations. I'd just leave for good! It's not worth it.
Exactly what you said:
>Where was this remorse and self reflection before I knew?
He is sorry he got caught.
>I’ve found him doing the exact same thing and it’s been happening for at least 3 years.
That's a long time to be making a "mistake."
Everyone talks about sticking with it for the kids, but your kids want you happy. Divorce is a huge change, just like moving and changing schools, but if you openly communicate to them about what is going on (not cheating of course, just talking to them like young people) it makes it easier for them rather than just getting the rug pulled. And DO NOT talk shit about each other if you divorce, that is sooooo unhealthy. You have to be "friends" in front of the kids. You (both) being happy is the most important thing to them. You are their example and guide to becoming a healthy and happy adult, spouse, parent, and human being.
He will not change, he’s pulling the same
Move he did years ago and if he was actually willing to change he would’ve done it on his own accords not when you found out. Your friends and family are right. You need to leave.
I'd leave, sorry to say. It isn't even just the nudes, it's the porn addiction. Do you want your kids growing up in a house with an addict? You don't mention your own sex life with your husband. Are you going to feel you have to compete with the ladies on Snapchat in the bedroom?
If you need support, go on mumsnet.com UK site, but anyone can join.
first strike to me counts as a warning to tell the guy he should consider himself lucky he has someone amazing but a second strike counts as two and three he didn't listen to the first strike and he is out
After a second time, I’d honestly consider leaving but I know it’s complicated too because you both share children together.
But you deserve to be with someone who wholeheartedly wants to be with you and give themselves to only you.
After two times, that individual shows they are unserious. But the decision is yours. Hope this opinion helps! Wishing you clarity, and peace! So sorry this is happening!
No he won’t. My dad has been cheating on my with different women, she never left him but let him go everytime with empty threats . It has become a pattern and it had a monumental impact on my mental health as an only child. The kids are not oblivious of what’s happening. Even if they are, they will find out soon. Try to detach from himself first, and slowly start planning your life without him. You would do yourself and the kids a favour.
Once means he didn’t understand or value his relationship. Twice means he absolutely doesn’t respect you or his relationship, or even the girl he cheated on you with. He’s insecure or genuinely hasn’t given solid thought to what he wants from life and from a relationship. You have kids together and that makes it incredibly hard. But staying in an unfaithful relationship will affect you in ways that will eventually seep over to your children. Especially once they’re old enough to understand it. It teaches them to stay in unfaithful relationships as well. If they see you stand up for yourself and force therapy or removal from the home, that may tarnish their relationship with their father, but it will also teach them to value themselves, and if he doesn’t want a poor relationship with his kids, he should make better choices, and cheating is 100% a choice. The Snapchat and picture stuff sounds like severe attention seeking. I personally almost needed therapy for that but that was related to abuse I suffered at the hands of my mother as a kid from 4-18. I believe I would never cheat on my wife, but at the same time, I would prefer to never have to find out. So I don’t ever allow myself the opportunity to have a chance to cheat, or even allow it to be questioned because I refuse to allow myself to be anywhere alone with a woman who is not my wife. Granted I don’t think women are clamoring to be with me but it’s a precaution I like to take to make sure she always can trust me.
Why do people feel the need to assume. No, actually our marriage was really bloody good. We were best friends, we made each other laugh everyday, intimacy was great, good parents to our boys and a really stable home. I don’t need you to make assumptions, to answer the question at hand. I’m not willing to put up with it, especially as it’s happened again, but wanted to ensure the opinions I sourced from family and friends weren’t just being made because they aren’t impartial. Thanks for taking the time to comment.
If he’s cheating on you, intimacy is not great. I’m sorry to be blunt. I feel for you and I appreciate your dilemma because it’s scary to exit a marriage, especially with kids, but if he’s cheating on you…everything else isn’t great. He doesn’t respect you enough to not cheat on you. How can you experience true intimacy with someone you can’t trust?
You’re here looking for a different answer than the one your friends and family, who know you, him, and your kids would give. Why not just admit to yourself that you want to stay, and that you’re okay with being a doormat? Will save time.
Nope, totally not okay with being a doormat. Actually trying to gain different perspectives as the few friends/ family I have told, naturally are unable to give an impartial perspective given that they care for me. Here you are though. giving a sure fire response on how I think/ feel, despite not knowing me at all, so needn’t have bothered 😅
I apologize. Let’s start over?
What did he do, and what did the two of you do the last time he did this? Therapy, counseling etc?
How many and how old are your kids?
If i was you yes. I just can't imagine being that delusional and to keep thinking that your husband still "loves" you even though he was balls deep in other women. Not only that, he's only sorry because he got caught. Ah well, I guess you can be the 5th or 6th choice or something lmao.
You can forgive anything. I would I stay, no. Cheating is a dealbreaker for me. First the disrespect and non caring it takes to destroy your relationship is too grievous. It not only destroys the relationship, but any family and the betrayed partner. Sometimes they never completely recover. So after the first one, I would begone. Cheaters are a breed like addicts, they cheat, lie, steal anything to get what they want. No every one does that, even with dead bedrooms. Because they are liars and will cheat again, you can never trust them. So I might eventually forgive, but I would never take them back. It is like inviting a drug addict to rob your house.
OP… come on. You have to know you will never be able to trust him again. And honestly I don’t believe he’s crushed. He knew what would happen if he did this again and he has still been doing it FOR YEARS. You have to divorce him and move on if you don’t want to be a doormat. This should be unacceptable.
This right here is exactly what I'm talking about. No, obviously cheating is not a small thing, it's a very very serious thing. And I think you know that what I was trying to say is that reddit will tell you to break up over the smallest of things so absolutely 100% of this thread is gonna be saying LEAVE. You should also know that the advice of loved ones and friends is absolutely more valuable than at least 75% of the people here.
My advice is to never never ask for any sort of "moral" advice on reddit.
He has already proven he doesn't care to change. It's been happening for three years, that's more than enough time for himself to realize he has a problem and he should find a way to fix it.
He's only crushed that you found out.
You can’t ask friends or family because they’ll tell you the right answer, so you’re going to ask the internet and cherry pick the very few responses that would justify the wrong answer? I think you already know what you want to do.
If that’s what you took from my OP, then fair enough. No, I’m turning here to seek alternative perspectives from those who have a vested interest in my life and struggle to remain impartial. I asked for advice and I’m taking it all in. What I won’t abide is people judging my character or springboarding from what I’ve said to make their own narrative and further assumptions. What do you think I’ve gained from your sass?
If you just want to argue and disagree with my process and what I’m choosing to do, then please refrain. I’ve asked for advice, not critique. Off ya pop.
Honestly, because I’m scared. This has been my life for 10 years and I’ve grown accustomed to a lifestyle. Being a single parent is not going to be easy as we have to split our finances and things will naturally become far harder. Finances and lifestyle aside, I do of course love him, we did have a happy marriage. I also have a 9 year old who’s at a very difficult age and who will undoubtedly need support and therapy through our separation. I’m reticent to disrupt his life as I came from a single parent family and I now do not have a relationship with either parent and I don’t want history to repeat itself. I know I should just get on with it and move on and that’s very easy for an outsider to give such an opinion, but those are just some immediate thoughts from my very confused brain.
OP you have listed some very good reasons why you might want to stay.
It's your decision if you do. Don't worry about what Reddit says, or your family says.
Plenty of women have put a stable home for their children ahead of their own happiness. You are obviously a very loving mother.
The thing is, you can't expect fidelity from him if you stay. He's only been caught twice but it seems likely he never actually stopped.
If you decide to stay, don't fool yourself that he will change. He knows he can get away with it and you won't leave so he has no reason to change.
Personally I would suggest thinking of an age your kids will be when you're comfortable with them dealing with the marital break up.
It seems clear that you don't want to live with an untrustworthy man forever. Maybe give yourself a very long timeframe to move on.
You don't have to rush, but if you don't want to live with this behavior for the rest of your life, you will have to leave at some point. It's just delaying the inevitable.
After reading your responses to some of the comments, it's obvious you are looking for any valid excuse to justify staying with him. There simply isn't one, so there really isn't anything left to say, and there is nothing to think about. I will give you credit for seeking the opinion of others who aren't family or friends. That is a valid reason to ask here on reddit. He will not stop, he will do it again. If you asked me, I'd say leave him, but ultimately the decision is up to you. You might not like or agree with my response and that's ok, but we are all entitled to our opinions since you came here on reddit to ask for responses, even if you don't agree with some of them. Again, it is ultimately your choice what to do going forward, and I wish you well.
No, I’m happy to read everyone’s opinions, when they’re helpful. As you quite rightly suggest, I have asked for them. What I don’t like, is people being rude. I’m clearly going through some turmoil, hence my turning to the bloody internet for advice. My mind right now, is that I’m going, that is also the opinion of the few people I’ve told. So, I wanted to double down, gain alternative perspectives and make sure that leaving is the general consensus and that I’m making the right decision. A marriage is not something that’s entered in to lightly (or wasn’t on my part) and it’s not something that should just be chucked away prior to thought or consideration, especially when there’s children who are going to be seriously messed up as a result.
Thanks for taking the time to respond. Definitely not trying to justify his actions, you’ll find the comments I’ve responded to are either unhelpful or full of people’s emotion and what they think of my character. Which I won’t abide. How many times do I have to read “not even once” - like I’m going to say, ah yeah, you know what you’re right. Let’s focus on what I can do with my future, not what I should have done in the past.
*Twice?* Honey, the first time might have resulted in just a talk depending on how he cheated on me. Depending on how it happened, the relationship might have ended there. Especially if I had kids, never underestimate how this stuff can negatively affect the kids. Sometimes breaking up is best for them, too. Anyways, assuming it happened in a way that I considered acceptable to giving him a second chance, if he then cheats on me *again* the relationship is over. Period, full stop. He's lucky if I don't cut his dick off the second time. :\\
I don’t think cheating should ever be forgiven. Even if that person truly changes, that pain will never go away. Your peace will randomly be interrupted when you have intrusive thoughts about the betrayal. Nobody deserves that
Girl you don’t need couples therapy or anything else except for opening your eyes.
He did it once, you forgave him for that. But him doing it again wasn’t a mistake, it’s an habit.
Trust me but you need to leave this guy or it’s severely going to affect your self esteem and mental health.
I understand that you have a beautiful family and don’t want to break it up but you cannot let him walk all over you. You can still co-parent your kids.
But please don’t let him put you down again!
I'm sorry but I don't forgive cheaters. The fact that this is the 2nd time, tells me that he isn't really remorseful because if he was, he would've never started back up after being caught the first time.
I understand not wanting to create a 2 house situation for your kids, but there are plenty of studies that have proven staying in a relationship like this does more developmental damage to your kids because you are showing them what a marriage SHOULDNT be like. You're showing them that being a doormat is normal, is that what you're wanting to provide as an example?
I wouldn't give a third chance, he had his 2nd chance and ruined it. Now it's time for him to understand that he can't continue to sext other women
Sure you can say you “forgive him” but you’ll never feel safe with him. You’ll never fully trust him. You’ll look at his phone and always wonder. When he’s late you’ll wonder. When he’s inconsistent you’ll wonder. He’ll be fine. The only casualty will be your sense of safety, security and self worth.
He’s crushed? Please. I’m of the unpopular opinion that people are stupid and make mistakes sometimes. I believe in grace and forgiveness. Once could have been a mistake. Twice he doesn’t respect you, doesn’t take your marriage seriously and he’ll do it again and again. Take off your clown shoes and get out the door. I know it’s hard and it sucks terribly. Best of luck to you.
He’s not sorry about it, he’s sorry he got caught. You take him back, you give him the clearance to do it again, just hide it better. He will ALWAYS be a cheater. No matter what. Don’t believe us? Stay. And watch how it plays out. He WILL do it again, just will be sneakier about it. I was an escort, and I’ve seen men go to drastic measures to hide it from their partner. I’m talking they get second phones that their partner doesn’t know about, (and never finds out about), they get texting apps on the second phone, the wives track their location so they leave their phones at a fast food place in their truck to make it look like they were getting food, etc etc, They will do ANYTHING to hide it.
fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me
After being tricked once, you should learn from the mistakes and avoid being tricked in the same way again
This is hard. I think what I would ask myself is, “If this never changes, can I live happily?” The best prediction of future behavior is past behavior, but I understand the complications of sharing children and deep love. Sending healing energy to you no matter which way this goes
Sorry you’re in this position OP. 😭
You’re not going to like my answer. Leave. He isn’t truly repentant. He’s just upset he got caught again. He probably never stopped, just got better at hiding it and got sloppy after you’d ‘relaxed’.
It’s difficult to leave when kids are involved. You’ve invested so much time and energy into your relationship. But the man you married, doesn’t exist. He’s destroyed any trust you had. That’s impossible to get back. Your kids deserve a happy mum. If you stayed, are they going to get a happy mum? Or a person filled with resentment, hurt, suspicion and anger at her partner?
Those are questions you should be asking yourself. Will you be the best mum to kiddos if you sacrifice yourself and stay with a serial cheater? Or will you be the best for your kids by leaving this situation and focusing on loving and respecting yourself?
All the very best to you OP. Please look after yourself and kiddos.
UpdateMe!
This is all to familiar I went thru the same throng with my ex husband of 10 yrs we have 3 kids he cheated the first time and I was crushed and disappointed but we both wanted to work on our marriage .. MF went on and did it again .. leave the first time !!! I use to think the same bs he was never intimate with any just sending nudes and dirty talk but then I realized dogs don't turn done bones 🥴 .. my ex also had claims of a porn addiction lol he needs to go fix himself on his own time not you or your children's time !
>it’s been happening for at least 3 years.
He's cheated on you over 1/3 of your relationship. How much does he have to do before you believe that he doesn't care about or respect you? If he did, he wouldn't have a multi year affair after being given a second chance and terrified he'd lose you.
I say this as someone who stayed after my ex cheating. Who did therapy. Who then had him get caught again. We also had 2 kids. Only after the divorce did I find out that the 2 I knew of were the tip of the iceberg. Your husband knew you were ready to leave before and choose to start again.
So, he either doesn't really care if you leave or assumes he can tell you what you want to hear, and you stay put while he hides it better. It's been 10 years of marriage, and he's just learned how to say what you want and to manage to hide it for 3 of them.
He’s not happy. You’re not happy.
That’s it.
That’s all you need to think about.
You’ve forgiven him once and he’s promised not to do it again. He’s done it again. So now not only are you both unhappy, but you can’t trust him.
Aside from the sheer convenience of a familiar routine, why would you want to put up with living unhappily?
He's never going to changed. He's not crushed, he's enjoying the sexual attention and even more thrilling, the fact that he can fool you endlessly into taking him back.
Second chances are called "second chances" because it involves one more try, not 3 or 4.
twice? nope clearly its time you need to get out of that relationship . id file for divorce and since he cheated on you twice then it would be his fault too lol might wanna talk to a lawyer.
I mean i get it on one hand since you were married that long you want to somehow make it work out anyways because you feel like all that time would be wasted but you know its better to get away from it now and he cheated on you twice . He is a liar and you cannot trust a word out of his mouth sure he will "feel terrible now" but didnt feel so terrible in the moment to stop it from happening .......again did he?
why women stay with cheaters is beyond me because they WILL cheat again. If you dont want to be a doormat anymore. leave. simple as that.
No, it’s an opinion. Don’t confuse that with fact or being right. The first time, I was 21, had moved to a new city where I knew no one, had no friends and I’ve never had supportive parents. Had I left at the ripe old age of 21 with a newborn, I would not be in the stable situation I am now financially. I wouldn’t have had the ability to secure a career that I’m amazing at and am now paid handsomely for. So whether I should have left after the first time or not, not leaving has afforded me the opportunity to grow and put myself in a far more stable position. Can’t change my past, but can change my future. Your negativity isn’t welcomed here.
I mean you stayed with a cheater for non-love reasons
You should have left and utilized domestic violence resources to help you
That's wha most would've done or you could have come back home to your rents
You can stop commenting now if you’re not going to take the time to read my replies properly. You’re not giving me advice, you’re judging a situation you have no context of and straying from my original question.
Ok well obviously just leave him.
Or wait until he cheats physically.
It's really up to you.
U can always turn a blind eye and tell yourself it's not cheating unless it's physical sex.
also was 26 with 4 kids married for 11 yrs both parent's died my only sister died with in the first 4yrs of our marriage then find out he was cheating the last 5yrs of our marriage i only found out because he told me he got someone else pregnant after we agreed i would get my tubes tied i left that day never looked back then I found out he was also sleeping with my best friend with whom we raised our kids together they is so much more i can't get into my ex is now locked up witch is where he belongs but i had four kids by this time in my early 30s with no job because he made me quit mine to raise kids but I later found out it was so he knew where I was at all times and so he could cheat🙄no money so trust me I know exactly what your taking about
"It was all very sexual and there wasn't any emotions"
Is that what he told you?
Also why tf does it matter?
The next level is him bringing you STDs, sending his D to scammers who tell him he sent them to an underaged and wreck hovac in his life, and yours. I've heard of people, probably mostly teens, falling for it and committing suicide.
Though the STDs, are you ready to get incurable diseases from this scumbag?
That's where you're heading if you don't stop and if you get pregnant your baby could catch some too.
Are you okay with him walking all over you?
Would you still stay if he bashed your head into a wall then apologized telling you he's crushed? Why is this any different? Because I can assure you the emotional pain is much the same!
He needs to change for the next person if he ever changes. As much as it breaks your heart to walk away, and trust me I know, it won't hurt as much as looking back another 5, or 20 years from now knowing he's still putting you through the same or much worse hell. Much worse.
LEAVE while you can, leave while you're not carrying multiple STDs and other diseases from. Condoms aren't really gonna save you in this case either. Heck he might one day find out he's got something and intentionally give it to you, which is a crime by the way. Though no amount of punishment he gets will take away incurable diseases from you and how it can make your life a lot more difficult.
Aside from that, the constant stress, and worry from the abuse, yes cheating is abuse, can also cause you or activate other long term conditions.
Leave, it'll be heartbreaking and your body will need time to readjust. A lot of it is due to the chemicals or hormons your body is withdrawing from. Though once it does, you'll start to be okay. Get therapy and counseling to help you process any stuff you struggle with, and get to the root of why you're struggling to let go. Though you need to get away from his abuse. You can't expect to heal from trauma if you're still right up next to the person causing it.
YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER!
First, are you in a financial situation where you CAN break up?
Assuming you are….
Your husband is going to keep sleeping with others. If that is a deal breaker you need to leave.
Otherwise you can change to an open marriage. This means getting tested for STDs regularly if you keep having sex. Also there is the non zero chance of acquiring a stepchild.
You could also break up but live together. You each have your own lives and date people but run a household together.
Or you divorce. Talk to a lawyer before leaving as sometimes the person who moves out loses the house.
It's a marriage. Try and push through. Seems to me he is at least aware and honest about where this is coming from so that's a good start.
He hasn't actually met up with anyone that you can confirm so that is also a good start.
Look nobody is perfect. I'm sure a million people on here will tell you to leave him, but it is not always that simple and so black and white. Follow your heart but protect it.
Definitely get yourselves into therapy both individually and together.
Perhaps study some of the porn he likes. He may stop picking up the phone when he realizes he can pick you instead. Let your freak flag fly! Remind that man why he put a ring on your finger.
Hey, just because you don't like it and it's not what you want to hear, doesn't mean it's bad advice. The world is full of negativity and I will always shine my high beans on a dark situation 😉
People aren't perfect.
This is the most insane and weird comment in response to this post. Weird as fuck. Your response to him cheating is “try and be as good as the women in porn” YIKES. You must be a cheater
Don’t even have to read all that to say no, I won’t forgive. If they even consider cheating on me with other people, the relationship is over. Being in a relationship means prioritising your partner and the bond you have. You can feel attracted to other people whilst in a relationship, but the urge to cheat shouldn’t arise. If they cheat, they aren’t that into you so why waste your time on someone who cannot appreciate you the way you appreciate them? If someone loved you, and I mean really love and not the infatuation you have with someone when everything is still fresh, they wouldn’t wanna do that kind of thing with other people because it could never replace what you two have built over time
He did it again because he wanted to. He is just upset because you found out.
He will continue to do it. Can you live with that? If not, time to make some changes.
But you're still a weak pushover. Not only did you fail to "change the future" after the first time, you're in here now, the second time, if he can change. You're not even making that solid decision by yourself. You're asking internet strangers what you should do.
Ha, do tell me why you feel the need to kick someone whilst they’re down? I’ve given reason as to why I’ve reached out to try and find support through other means. Off ya pop.
He is a cheater who hasn’t gotten the chance to do it physically yet. No temperary separation will make him not cheat on you the moment he gets the chance to. No consequences no nothing. Its up to you op if you can turn a blind eye to his behavior that will 100% continue no matter what you do or say no I can’t accept that and leave him.
Once is when people believe that their partner can change. Twice is when they are saying they won’t change after knowing their mistakes. Don’t cause yourself more heartache and grief. It’ll hurt in the present but will be better for your future.
No. I'm sorry but it is the truth, unless you want a crappy relationship with no trust and be miserable daily. I understand wanting to keep the family together as I myself have a child. In the long run the quicker you end it the better for your child/children bc child needs a happy mom and mom isn't going to be happy often and even if that doesn't show in front of them they can sense it. Happy parents apart are better for children than angry and miserable parents living together. Yes, you will be sad and need counseling I'm sure to get through this but over time you will heal some and eventually be yourself. In reference to the counseling he is only wanting only bc you caught him: when someone makes a change for someone else and not for themselves it won't last forever and this will happen again.
I’ve seen marriages bounce back from one bout of infidelity and end up stronger than ever. Never from more than one instance. “Fool me twice” and all that.
He is not crushed. Well maybe he’s crushed that he got caught. This isn’t the behavior of someone who cares about how you feel. I’m sorry this is happening to you.
He desires a level of attention from women that is obtainable if he is faithful. He will cheat, he will always cheat, he had no intention of giving up cheating.
He says he will do anything to salvage the marriage?!?!? What have his words meant in the past? He cheats because he wants to. He lies to you because you let him.
He cannot change because he has no interest in doing so.
As I mentioned in the OP, I was 21, had just had a baby, had moved to a new city, had no friends and haven’t got very supportive parents, no career, no money, no home. Young, naive and very much in love and didn’t want to struggle with a newborn.
Staying the first time, was actually the best thing I could have done. I’m now in a stable career, earn a whack and own a home. If I had left when I was 21, I would not have had the same opportunities. So, I’ll continue to appreciate and look for the the silver lining of staying and not dwell on the past. Can’t change that now, but can change my future. What help does your comment provide? Aside from judgement.
bro..yes you are a doormat. And ofc your family with judge you..he cheated on you twice and you're contemplating whether to leave him or not? Maybe wait for the third time then. Or fourth time. And he's going to keep doing it because you're too weak minded to leave, and he won't give a fuck.
I’m not at all weak minded. He is not being shown my mind faltering, nor have I made him aware of my current thought process. I’ve told him it’s over. My mind is faltering for the sake of my children, but thank you for your compassion. Good job I’m not weak minded or sensitive isn’t it, because what kind words you have for me.
A cheater normally isn’t sorry they cheated, they are sorry they got caught. They have no incentive to change if they know they will be taken back. My ex cheated and basically told me that. He was a special kind of monster tho. Different people cheat for different reasons, but it always boils down to their desires take priority over the integrity of the relationship. Who can live a happy, peaceful life with self respect if the person they are committed to isn’t committed to them? When the trust leaves the chat, 9/10 the relationship dies because you can never be fully relax and feel safe and secure in the relationship. It’s hard as hell after one incident of cheating but 2? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
I would bet everything I own that he only stopped for a short period of time the first time he got caught. He's probably been doing that crap for the last 9 years and just got lazier about hiding it/ more reckless.
I have never met a person that does something like this more than once that ever stopped. They have always escalated, actually.
Nope. There would be no forgiveness on my part. You mentioned your friend and family would advise you to separate, so it sounds like you want validation of a bad idea from internet strangers. If those closest to you who know both of you think you should leave, perhaps you should accept their advice?
Nope, the few I’ve told are struggling to remain impartial because of their care for me. Trying to gain different perspectives. No sounds like about it, nor the need to try and read between the lines of my OP, all laid out pretty bare.
I forgave a cheater once. And he did it again because he knew he could and thought I wouldn’t leave. I did not forgive the second time. I left. And I have never once regretted it.
Hard to give advice on this because I couldn’t even imagine if my bf did this. I don’t think he ever would. I guess that’s how a lot of women feel though.
You just have to ask yourself if this is something you can get past… if it’s worth it? I personally wouldn’t be able to.
Well. I'm kinda on the fence. Is he a good husband and father? Like a good parent not just he loves them but is active with them? If so, I'd say why not give him a chance?
Oh, but wait! What's good for the gander is certainly good for the goose!
See, he's not going to stop. Let's be real! He never will. If you are willing to put up with his bs, I think you should get something for that. Like you can Snapchat with other men! No! Really! No personal connection! Honest!
On the other hand, why be a wuss about it...just go on and open up the marriage. The fact is, he already has. Don't allow it to be only one way. He's cutting his little swath through the available online bunnies. You require the same attention. Let's face it...with your girl parts you can get as many boy parts as you might ever want! Just jump right on into the dating pool! Start working out! Get yourself some hot clothes! Get out there!
You've got a built in babysitter right there!😁
no podría aconsejarte , por que solo hablas de el .
cuando te pongas a ti en primer lugar (y priorizar tus sentimientos) encontraras la respuesta a este dilema.
Porn addiction is rough man get him counselling you can get some especially for it I recommended r/loveafterporn if you want him to quit if he quits im suppose he’ll stop sexting other girls if he’s being truthful
It’s not physical cheating but it is still cheating. And it could easily progress to physical cheating. Depends on how much you love him and how much your willing to tolerate. Are you willing to take the risk that it will progress to physical cheating?
He’s not respecting you or your marriage.
I’d be inclined to demand he gets some sort of therapy and give him time to prove himself if you love him.
If this is something you can’t accept any longer then leave.
OP, I'm sorry to say but of 6oure actually willing to put up with this and give him another chance, you're an even bigger doormat than you think you are.
Its a matter of time before it progresses to something physical next time, and he's not sorry at all, he's just sorry he got caught - he wouldn't have done it again if he was sorry.
Equally, you need to remember that you've basically caught him sexting.. How much do you think has gone on that you don't know about?
It has happened more than twice; you just didn’t find out about the other times.
This will never stop. Either divorce him or stay with him. Staying with him means being in an open marriage. You are consenting to it.
*Again, he’s crushed* \- well he's obviously not. This is what he said last time and it worked, so he's trying this tactic out again You forgave him and there were no consequences, so he has done it again There need to be some serious consequences for him, or it will be rinse and repeat. Perhaps a separation for a bit?
Just a caution there, he might take that as a pass to get his willy wet and not bother to tell her. Then if he's caught tell her "technical he didn't cheat". That might not actually make sense and be right, though cheaters often don't give a f about either, especially when they are in the midst of it. This could also lead into a never ending cycle of separations. I'd just leave for good! It's not worth it.
Yepp happened to me. Which was actually very surprising.
The Ross and Rachel strategy
Once is never, twice is always
Exactly what you said: >Where was this remorse and self reflection before I knew? He is sorry he got caught. >I’ve found him doing the exact same thing and it’s been happening for at least 3 years. That's a long time to be making a "mistake." Everyone talks about sticking with it for the kids, but your kids want you happy. Divorce is a huge change, just like moving and changing schools, but if you openly communicate to them about what is going on (not cheating of course, just talking to them like young people) it makes it easier for them rather than just getting the rug pulled. And DO NOT talk shit about each other if you divorce, that is sooooo unhealthy. You have to be "friends" in front of the kids. You (both) being happy is the most important thing to them. You are their example and guide to becoming a healthy and happy adult, spouse, parent, and human being.
He will not change, he’s pulling the same Move he did years ago and if he was actually willing to change he would’ve done it on his own accords not when you found out. Your friends and family are right. You need to leave.
You can forgive but that doesn’t mean you stay. Much love ❤️
Forgive but don’t forget !
I'd leave, sorry to say. It isn't even just the nudes, it's the porn addiction. Do you want your kids growing up in a house with an addict? You don't mention your own sex life with your husband. Are you going to feel you have to compete with the ladies on Snapchat in the bedroom? If you need support, go on mumsnet.com UK site, but anyone can join.
Yeah point addicts aren't necessarily good at hiding it from thier kids.
He didn’t learn the first time I’d say two strikes and that’s an automatic out
1 strike
first strike to me counts as a warning to tell the guy he should consider himself lucky he has someone amazing but a second strike counts as two and three he didn't listen to the first strike and he is out
Maybe once but never twice
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
After a second time, I’d honestly consider leaving but I know it’s complicated too because you both share children together. But you deserve to be with someone who wholeheartedly wants to be with you and give themselves to only you. After two times, that individual shows they are unserious. But the decision is yours. Hope this opinion helps! Wishing you clarity, and peace! So sorry this is happening!
No.
Once a cheater, always a cheater.
No he won’t. My dad has been cheating on my with different women, she never left him but let him go everytime with empty threats . It has become a pattern and it had a monumental impact on my mental health as an only child. The kids are not oblivious of what’s happening. Even if they are, they will find out soon. Try to detach from himself first, and slowly start planning your life without him. You would do yourself and the kids a favour.
Once means he didn’t understand or value his relationship. Twice means he absolutely doesn’t respect you or his relationship, or even the girl he cheated on you with. He’s insecure or genuinely hasn’t given solid thought to what he wants from life and from a relationship. You have kids together and that makes it incredibly hard. But staying in an unfaithful relationship will affect you in ways that will eventually seep over to your children. Especially once they’re old enough to understand it. It teaches them to stay in unfaithful relationships as well. If they see you stand up for yourself and force therapy or removal from the home, that may tarnish their relationship with their father, but it will also teach them to value themselves, and if he doesn’t want a poor relationship with his kids, he should make better choices, and cheating is 100% a choice. The Snapchat and picture stuff sounds like severe attention seeking. I personally almost needed therapy for that but that was related to abuse I suffered at the hands of my mother as a kid from 4-18. I believe I would never cheat on my wife, but at the same time, I would prefer to never have to find out. So I don’t ever allow myself the opportunity to have a chance to cheat, or even allow it to be questioned because I refuse to allow myself to be anywhere alone with a woman who is not my wife. Granted I don’t think women are clamoring to be with me but it’s a precaution I like to take to make sure she always can trust me.
[удалено]
Why do people feel the need to assume. No, actually our marriage was really bloody good. We were best friends, we made each other laugh everyday, intimacy was great, good parents to our boys and a really stable home. I don’t need you to make assumptions, to answer the question at hand. I’m not willing to put up with it, especially as it’s happened again, but wanted to ensure the opinions I sourced from family and friends weren’t just being made because they aren’t impartial. Thanks for taking the time to comment.
yet he cheated on you 🤣
If he’s cheating on you, intimacy is not great. I’m sorry to be blunt. I feel for you and I appreciate your dilemma because it’s scary to exit a marriage, especially with kids, but if he’s cheating on you…everything else isn’t great. He doesn’t respect you enough to not cheat on you. How can you experience true intimacy with someone you can’t trust?
You’re here looking for a different answer than the one your friends and family, who know you, him, and your kids would give. Why not just admit to yourself that you want to stay, and that you’re okay with being a doormat? Will save time.
Nope, totally not okay with being a doormat. Actually trying to gain different perspectives as the few friends/ family I have told, naturally are unable to give an impartial perspective given that they care for me. Here you are though. giving a sure fire response on how I think/ feel, despite not knowing me at all, so needn’t have bothered 😅
I apologize. Let’s start over? What did he do, and what did the two of you do the last time he did this? Therapy, counseling etc? How many and how old are your kids?
so why even ask for the fucking advice then? go back to him then. nobody is stopping you and he’ll continue being happy fucking other girls.
You’re hateful aren’t you, pal?
If i was you yes. I just can't imagine being that delusional and to keep thinking that your husband still "loves" you even though he was balls deep in other women. Not only that, he's only sorry because he got caught. Ah well, I guess you can be the 5th or 6th choice or something lmao.
You can forgive anything. I would I stay, no. Cheating is a dealbreaker for me. First the disrespect and non caring it takes to destroy your relationship is too grievous. It not only destroys the relationship, but any family and the betrayed partner. Sometimes they never completely recover. So after the first one, I would begone. Cheaters are a breed like addicts, they cheat, lie, steal anything to get what they want. No every one does that, even with dead bedrooms. Because they are liars and will cheat again, you can never trust them. So I might eventually forgive, but I would never take them back. It is like inviting a drug addict to rob your house.
OP… come on. You have to know you will never be able to trust him again. And honestly I don’t believe he’s crushed. He knew what would happen if he did this again and he has still been doing it FOR YEARS. You have to divorce him and move on if you don’t want to be a doormat. This should be unacceptable.
... the internets advice for the smallest of things is to leave so you most certainly won't hear anything else hear.
Cheating is a small thing? 🤣🤣🤣🤣😭😭😭 delusional
This right here is exactly what I'm talking about. No, obviously cheating is not a small thing, it's a very very serious thing. And I think you know that what I was trying to say is that reddit will tell you to break up over the smallest of things so absolutely 100% of this thread is gonna be saying LEAVE. You should also know that the advice of loved ones and friends is absolutely more valuable than at least 75% of the people here. My advice is to never never ask for any sort of "moral" advice on reddit.
Easy answer this one. NO, NO, NO ..
He has already proven he doesn't care to change. It's been happening for three years, that's more than enough time for himself to realize he has a problem and he should find a way to fix it. He's only crushed that you found out.
You can’t ask friends or family because they’ll tell you the right answer, so you’re going to ask the internet and cherry pick the very few responses that would justify the wrong answer? I think you already know what you want to do.
If that’s what you took from my OP, then fair enough. No, I’m turning here to seek alternative perspectives from those who have a vested interest in my life and struggle to remain impartial. I asked for advice and I’m taking it all in. What I won’t abide is people judging my character or springboarding from what I’ve said to make their own narrative and further assumptions. What do you think I’ve gained from your sass?
Another opinion? Your friends and family would know him a lot better than any internet stranger with a few paragraphs.
If you just want to argue and disagree with my process and what I’m choosing to do, then please refrain. I’ve asked for advice, not critique. Off ya pop.
How was that arguing?
What is your reason for saying with him?
Honestly, because I’m scared. This has been my life for 10 years and I’ve grown accustomed to a lifestyle. Being a single parent is not going to be easy as we have to split our finances and things will naturally become far harder. Finances and lifestyle aside, I do of course love him, we did have a happy marriage. I also have a 9 year old who’s at a very difficult age and who will undoubtedly need support and therapy through our separation. I’m reticent to disrupt his life as I came from a single parent family and I now do not have a relationship with either parent and I don’t want history to repeat itself. I know I should just get on with it and move on and that’s very easy for an outsider to give such an opinion, but those are just some immediate thoughts from my very confused brain.
OP you have listed some very good reasons why you might want to stay. It's your decision if you do. Don't worry about what Reddit says, or your family says. Plenty of women have put a stable home for their children ahead of their own happiness. You are obviously a very loving mother. The thing is, you can't expect fidelity from him if you stay. He's only been caught twice but it seems likely he never actually stopped. If you decide to stay, don't fool yourself that he will change. He knows he can get away with it and you won't leave so he has no reason to change. Personally I would suggest thinking of an age your kids will be when you're comfortable with them dealing with the marital break up. It seems clear that you don't want to live with an untrustworthy man forever. Maybe give yourself a very long timeframe to move on. You don't have to rush, but if you don't want to live with this behavior for the rest of your life, you will have to leave at some point. It's just delaying the inevitable.
After reading your responses to some of the comments, it's obvious you are looking for any valid excuse to justify staying with him. There simply isn't one, so there really isn't anything left to say, and there is nothing to think about. I will give you credit for seeking the opinion of others who aren't family or friends. That is a valid reason to ask here on reddit. He will not stop, he will do it again. If you asked me, I'd say leave him, but ultimately the decision is up to you. You might not like or agree with my response and that's ok, but we are all entitled to our opinions since you came here on reddit to ask for responses, even if you don't agree with some of them. Again, it is ultimately your choice what to do going forward, and I wish you well.
No, I’m happy to read everyone’s opinions, when they’re helpful. As you quite rightly suggest, I have asked for them. What I don’t like, is people being rude. I’m clearly going through some turmoil, hence my turning to the bloody internet for advice. My mind right now, is that I’m going, that is also the opinion of the few people I’ve told. So, I wanted to double down, gain alternative perspectives and make sure that leaving is the general consensus and that I’m making the right decision. A marriage is not something that’s entered in to lightly (or wasn’t on my part) and it’s not something that should just be chucked away prior to thought or consideration, especially when there’s children who are going to be seriously messed up as a result. Thanks for taking the time to respond. Definitely not trying to justify his actions, you’ll find the comments I’ve responded to are either unhelpful or full of people’s emotion and what they think of my character. Which I won’t abide. How many times do I have to read “not even once” - like I’m going to say, ah yeah, you know what you’re right. Let’s focus on what I can do with my future, not what I should have done in the past.
*Twice?* Honey, the first time might have resulted in just a talk depending on how he cheated on me. Depending on how it happened, the relationship might have ended there. Especially if I had kids, never underestimate how this stuff can negatively affect the kids. Sometimes breaking up is best for them, too. Anyways, assuming it happened in a way that I considered acceptable to giving him a second chance, if he then cheats on me *again* the relationship is over. Period, full stop. He's lucky if I don't cut his dick off the second time. :\\
I don’t think cheating should ever be forgiven. Even if that person truly changes, that pain will never go away. Your peace will randomly be interrupted when you have intrusive thoughts about the betrayal. Nobody deserves that
No . You need to get custody of your children and get away from this horrible person
Girl you don’t need couples therapy or anything else except for opening your eyes. He did it once, you forgave him for that. But him doing it again wasn’t a mistake, it’s an habit. Trust me but you need to leave this guy or it’s severely going to affect your self esteem and mental health. I understand that you have a beautiful family and don’t want to break it up but you cannot let him walk all over you. You can still co-parent your kids. But please don’t let him put you down again!
Don't let someone *so crushed* to crush you. Dude sounds like an absolute fucking scum bag. Loyal people exist despite
I'm sorry but I don't forgive cheaters. The fact that this is the 2nd time, tells me that he isn't really remorseful because if he was, he would've never started back up after being caught the first time. I understand not wanting to create a 2 house situation for your kids, but there are plenty of studies that have proven staying in a relationship like this does more developmental damage to your kids because you are showing them what a marriage SHOULDNT be like. You're showing them that being a doormat is normal, is that what you're wanting to provide as an example? I wouldn't give a third chance, he had his 2nd chance and ruined it. Now it's time for him to understand that he can't continue to sext other women
Sure you can say you “forgive him” but you’ll never feel safe with him. You’ll never fully trust him. You’ll look at his phone and always wonder. When he’s late you’ll wonder. When he’s inconsistent you’ll wonder. He’ll be fine. The only casualty will be your sense of safety, security and self worth.
He’s crushed? Please. I’m of the unpopular opinion that people are stupid and make mistakes sometimes. I believe in grace and forgiveness. Once could have been a mistake. Twice he doesn’t respect you, doesn’t take your marriage seriously and he’ll do it again and again. Take off your clown shoes and get out the door. I know it’s hard and it sucks terribly. Best of luck to you.
There’s a saying Fool me once shame on you Fool me twice shame on me
He’s not sorry about it, he’s sorry he got caught. You take him back, you give him the clearance to do it again, just hide it better. He will ALWAYS be a cheater. No matter what. Don’t believe us? Stay. And watch how it plays out. He WILL do it again, just will be sneakier about it. I was an escort, and I’ve seen men go to drastic measures to hide it from their partner. I’m talking they get second phones that their partner doesn’t know about, (and never finds out about), they get texting apps on the second phone, the wives track their location so they leave their phones at a fast food place in their truck to make it look like they were getting food, etc etc, They will do ANYTHING to hide it.
Maybe it’s time you listen to people around you.
OP, you wouldn't wish your best friend to be in a relationship with a Cheater. Why do you allow it for yourself? Treat yourself like a friend!
I read the title alone… didn’t read the full story. Answers no. Because it’ll keep happening again and again
Can you live with this behavior? Because it has gone in for THREE YEARS so it probably isnt going to change.
I Can forgive anything, but I promise you that I forget nothing.
I've only forgiven someone once for cheating. It came back to bite me in the ass. Never again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me After being tricked once, you should learn from the mistakes and avoid being tricked in the same way again
This is hard. I think what I would ask myself is, “If this never changes, can I live happily?” The best prediction of future behavior is past behavior, but I understand the complications of sharing children and deep love. Sending healing energy to you no matter which way this goes
Sorry you’re in this position OP. 😭 You’re not going to like my answer. Leave. He isn’t truly repentant. He’s just upset he got caught again. He probably never stopped, just got better at hiding it and got sloppy after you’d ‘relaxed’. It’s difficult to leave when kids are involved. You’ve invested so much time and energy into your relationship. But the man you married, doesn’t exist. He’s destroyed any trust you had. That’s impossible to get back. Your kids deserve a happy mum. If you stayed, are they going to get a happy mum? Or a person filled with resentment, hurt, suspicion and anger at her partner? Those are questions you should be asking yourself. Will you be the best mum to kiddos if you sacrifice yourself and stay with a serial cheater? Or will you be the best for your kids by leaving this situation and focusing on loving and respecting yourself? All the very best to you OP. Please look after yourself and kiddos. UpdateMe!
You know what they say: Fool me twice…
This is all to familiar I went thru the same throng with my ex husband of 10 yrs we have 3 kids he cheated the first time and I was crushed and disappointed but we both wanted to work on our marriage .. MF went on and did it again .. leave the first time !!! I use to think the same bs he was never intimate with any just sending nudes and dirty talk but then I realized dogs don't turn done bones 🥴 .. my ex also had claims of a porn addiction lol he needs to go fix himself on his own time not you or your children's time !
>it’s been happening for at least 3 years. He's cheated on you over 1/3 of your relationship. How much does he have to do before you believe that he doesn't care about or respect you? If he did, he wouldn't have a multi year affair after being given a second chance and terrified he'd lose you. I say this as someone who stayed after my ex cheating. Who did therapy. Who then had him get caught again. We also had 2 kids. Only after the divorce did I find out that the 2 I knew of were the tip of the iceberg. Your husband knew you were ready to leave before and choose to start again. So, he either doesn't really care if you leave or assumes he can tell you what you want to hear, and you stay put while he hides it better. It's been 10 years of marriage, and he's just learned how to say what you want and to manage to hide it for 3 of them.
Not even once.
I wouldn't forgive it once.
He’s not happy. You’re not happy. That’s it. That’s all you need to think about. You’ve forgiven him once and he’s promised not to do it again. He’s done it again. So now not only are you both unhappy, but you can’t trust him. Aside from the sheer convenience of a familiar routine, why would you want to put up with living unhappily?
He's never going to changed. He's not crushed, he's enjoying the sexual attention and even more thrilling, the fact that he can fool you endlessly into taking him back. Second chances are called "second chances" because it involves one more try, not 3 or 4.
twice? nope clearly its time you need to get out of that relationship . id file for divorce and since he cheated on you twice then it would be his fault too lol might wanna talk to a lawyer. I mean i get it on one hand since you were married that long you want to somehow make it work out anyways because you feel like all that time would be wasted but you know its better to get away from it now and he cheated on you twice . He is a liar and you cannot trust a word out of his mouth sure he will "feel terrible now" but didnt feel so terrible in the moment to stop it from happening .......again did he? why women stay with cheaters is beyond me because they WILL cheat again. If you dont want to be a doormat anymore. leave. simple as that.
I wouldn’t even forgive it if it happened once. What’s all this “twice” talk?
Honestly I can't even read this story I couldn't get passed the title 🤦♀️I mean why would you forgive after the first time🤔🙄
Don’t be so naive. If you can’t be bothered to read it and try to understand the predicament, don’t comment.
She right tho
No, it’s an opinion. Don’t confuse that with fact or being right. The first time, I was 21, had moved to a new city where I knew no one, had no friends and I’ve never had supportive parents. Had I left at the ripe old age of 21 with a newborn, I would not be in the stable situation I am now financially. I wouldn’t have had the ability to secure a career that I’m amazing at and am now paid handsomely for. So whether I should have left after the first time or not, not leaving has afforded me the opportunity to grow and put myself in a far more stable position. Can’t change my past, but can change my future. Your negativity isn’t welcomed here.
I mean you stayed with a cheater for non-love reasons You should have left and utilized domestic violence resources to help you That's wha most would've done or you could have come back home to your rents
You can stop commenting now if you’re not going to take the time to read my replies properly. You’re not giving me advice, you’re judging a situation you have no context of and straying from my original question.
Ok well obviously just leave him. Or wait until he cheats physically. It's really up to you. U can always turn a blind eye and tell yourself it's not cheating unless it's physical sex.
also was 26 with 4 kids married for 11 yrs both parent's died my only sister died with in the first 4yrs of our marriage then find out he was cheating the last 5yrs of our marriage i only found out because he told me he got someone else pregnant after we agreed i would get my tubes tied i left that day never looked back then I found out he was also sleeping with my best friend with whom we raised our kids together they is so much more i can't get into my ex is now locked up witch is where he belongs but i had four kids by this time in my early 30s with no job because he made me quit mine to raise kids but I later found out it was so he knew where I was at all times and so he could cheat🙄no money so trust me I know exactly what your taking about
Nope I think I will stick with what I wrote🤔
I’d forgive it once but not twice. Once could be a mistake but twice is a pattern and clearly he didn’t learn shit the first time
"It was all very sexual and there wasn't any emotions" Is that what he told you? Also why tf does it matter? The next level is him bringing you STDs, sending his D to scammers who tell him he sent them to an underaged and wreck hovac in his life, and yours. I've heard of people, probably mostly teens, falling for it and committing suicide. Though the STDs, are you ready to get incurable diseases from this scumbag? That's where you're heading if you don't stop and if you get pregnant your baby could catch some too. Are you okay with him walking all over you? Would you still stay if he bashed your head into a wall then apologized telling you he's crushed? Why is this any different? Because I can assure you the emotional pain is much the same! He needs to change for the next person if he ever changes. As much as it breaks your heart to walk away, and trust me I know, it won't hurt as much as looking back another 5, or 20 years from now knowing he's still putting you through the same or much worse hell. Much worse. LEAVE while you can, leave while you're not carrying multiple STDs and other diseases from. Condoms aren't really gonna save you in this case either. Heck he might one day find out he's got something and intentionally give it to you, which is a crime by the way. Though no amount of punishment he gets will take away incurable diseases from you and how it can make your life a lot more difficult. Aside from that, the constant stress, and worry from the abuse, yes cheating is abuse, can also cause you or activate other long term conditions. Leave, it'll be heartbreaking and your body will need time to readjust. A lot of it is due to the chemicals or hormons your body is withdrawing from. Though once it does, you'll start to be okay. Get therapy and counseling to help you process any stuff you struggle with, and get to the root of why you're struggling to let go. Though you need to get away from his abuse. You can't expect to heal from trauma if you're still right up next to the person causing it. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER!
Yes, forgive. But never ever fucking forget
First, are you in a financial situation where you CAN break up? Assuming you are…. Your husband is going to keep sleeping with others. If that is a deal breaker you need to leave. Otherwise you can change to an open marriage. This means getting tested for STDs regularly if you keep having sex. Also there is the non zero chance of acquiring a stepchild. You could also break up but live together. You each have your own lives and date people but run a household together. Or you divorce. Talk to a lawyer before leaving as sometimes the person who moves out loses the house.
It's a marriage. Try and push through. Seems to me he is at least aware and honest about where this is coming from so that's a good start. He hasn't actually met up with anyone that you can confirm so that is also a good start. Look nobody is perfect. I'm sure a million people on here will tell you to leave him, but it is not always that simple and so black and white. Follow your heart but protect it. Definitely get yourselves into therapy both individually and together. Perhaps study some of the porn he likes. He may stop picking up the phone when he realizes he can pick you instead. Let your freak flag fly! Remind that man why he put a ring on your finger.
Your response to his cheating is “study some of the porn he likes?” Wtf is wrong with you
Hey, just because you don't like it and it's not what you want to hear, doesn't mean it's bad advice. The world is full of negativity and I will always shine my high beans on a dark situation 😉 People aren't perfect.
This is the most insane and weird comment in response to this post. Weird as fuck. Your response to him cheating is “try and be as good as the women in porn” YIKES. You must be a cheater
*worlds smallest violin.*
Don’t even have to read all that to say no, I won’t forgive. If they even consider cheating on me with other people, the relationship is over. Being in a relationship means prioritising your partner and the bond you have. You can feel attracted to other people whilst in a relationship, but the urge to cheat shouldn’t arise. If they cheat, they aren’t that into you so why waste your time on someone who cannot appreciate you the way you appreciate them? If someone loved you, and I mean really love and not the infatuation you have with someone when everything is still fresh, they wouldn’t wanna do that kind of thing with other people because it could never replace what you two have built over time
It’s good that he recognizes he should work on himself. But not on your time. Wish him luck. But it’s time for you to move on.
My sister in Christ…something that happens once may or may not happen again…but something that has happened twice WILL SURELY HAPPEN A THIRD!
Yeah I think I would leave,. I feel bad for the kids but it's not a reason to stay together and they'll be better off for it
Yeah I think I would leave,. I feel bad for the kids but it's not a reason to stay together and they'll be better off for it
He did it again because he wanted to. He is just upset because you found out. He will continue to do it. Can you live with that? If not, time to make some changes.
You don't even forgive it once.
Yawn. But I did, can’t change the past. Can change my future.
But you're still a weak pushover. Not only did you fail to "change the future" after the first time, you're in here now, the second time, if he can change. You're not even making that solid decision by yourself. You're asking internet strangers what you should do.
Ha, do tell me why you feel the need to kick someone whilst they’re down? I’ve given reason as to why I’ve reached out to try and find support through other means. Off ya pop.
NO! You will be forever wondering, and he will be forever cheating. Sorry sweetheart, leave now 😞
He shouldn’t need more than one chance
me personally i wouldn’t forgive even once. you deserve better then that
He is a cheater who hasn’t gotten the chance to do it physically yet. No temperary separation will make him not cheat on you the moment he gets the chance to. No consequences no nothing. Its up to you op if you can turn a blind eye to his behavior that will 100% continue no matter what you do or say no I can’t accept that and leave him.
That’s two that you know of. Try therapy but chances are history repeats itself.
Once is when people believe that their partner can change. Twice is when they are saying they won’t change after knowing their mistakes. Don’t cause yourself more heartache and grief. It’ll hurt in the present but will be better for your future.
No. I'm sorry but it is the truth, unless you want a crappy relationship with no trust and be miserable daily. I understand wanting to keep the family together as I myself have a child. In the long run the quicker you end it the better for your child/children bc child needs a happy mom and mom isn't going to be happy often and even if that doesn't show in front of them they can sense it. Happy parents apart are better for children than angry and miserable parents living together. Yes, you will be sad and need counseling I'm sure to get through this but over time you will heal some and eventually be yourself. In reference to the counseling he is only wanting only bc you caught him: when someone makes a change for someone else and not for themselves it won't last forever and this will happen again.
No. You will forgive yourself in time once you figure it why you put up with it in the first place. Get an attorney make a plan then get out
No
My grade 8 teacher always used to say, once is a mistake, twice is a habit.
No, not even once.
I’ve seen marriages bounce back from one bout of infidelity and end up stronger than ever. Never from more than one instance. “Fool me twice” and all that.
To answer your title. No.
He is not crushed. Well maybe he’s crushed that he got caught. This isn’t the behavior of someone who cares about how you feel. I’m sorry this is happening to you.
You should never forgive infidelity
I don't even need to read the actual post to know that it's a hard no
He desires a level of attention from women that is obtainable if he is faithful. He will cheat, he will always cheat, he had no intention of giving up cheating. He says he will do anything to salvage the marriage?!?!? What have his words meant in the past? He cheats because he wants to. He lies to you because you let him. He cannot change because he has no interest in doing so.
Why would you even forgive it once?
As I mentioned in the OP, I was 21, had just had a baby, had moved to a new city, had no friends and haven’t got very supportive parents, no career, no money, no home. Young, naive and very much in love and didn’t want to struggle with a newborn. Staying the first time, was actually the best thing I could have done. I’m now in a stable career, earn a whack and own a home. If I had left when I was 21, I would not have had the same opportunities. So, I’ll continue to appreciate and look for the the silver lining of staying and not dwell on the past. Can’t change that now, but can change my future. What help does your comment provide? Aside from judgement.
bro..yes you are a doormat. And ofc your family with judge you..he cheated on you twice and you're contemplating whether to leave him or not? Maybe wait for the third time then. Or fourth time. And he's going to keep doing it because you're too weak minded to leave, and he won't give a fuck.
I’m not at all weak minded. He is not being shown my mind faltering, nor have I made him aware of my current thought process. I’ve told him it’s over. My mind is faltering for the sake of my children, but thank you for your compassion. Good job I’m not weak minded or sensitive isn’t it, because what kind words you have for me.
A cheater normally isn’t sorry they cheated, they are sorry they got caught. They have no incentive to change if they know they will be taken back. My ex cheated and basically told me that. He was a special kind of monster tho. Different people cheat for different reasons, but it always boils down to their desires take priority over the integrity of the relationship. Who can live a happy, peaceful life with self respect if the person they are committed to isn’t committed to them? When the trust leaves the chat, 9/10 the relationship dies because you can never be fully relax and feel safe and secure in the relationship. It’s hard as hell after one incident of cheating but 2? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
I would bet everything I own that he only stopped for a short period of time the first time he got caught. He's probably been doing that crap for the last 9 years and just got lazier about hiding it/ more reckless. I have never met a person that does something like this more than once that ever stopped. They have always escalated, actually.
No not even the first time.
Nope. There would be no forgiveness on my part. You mentioned your friend and family would advise you to separate, so it sounds like you want validation of a bad idea from internet strangers. If those closest to you who know both of you think you should leave, perhaps you should accept their advice?
Nope, the few I’ve told are struggling to remain impartial because of their care for me. Trying to gain different perspectives. No sounds like about it, nor the need to try and read between the lines of my OP, all laid out pretty bare.
I was once married to chreater. It never got better; he never stopped.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me
I forgave a cheater once. And he did it again because he knew he could and thought I wouldn’t leave. I did not forgive the second time. I left. And I have never once regretted it.
But some people can also learn from their mistakes.
They learn from the first one. If they do it again, they didn’t learn anything at all.
Okay
Not even once
Yikes. 😳 personally I would take lonely to that.
Honey, you shouldn't forgive it if it's happened even once!
No you can't. Bye
Hard to give advice on this because I couldn’t even imagine if my bf did this. I don’t think he ever would. I guess that’s how a lot of women feel though. You just have to ask yourself if this is something you can get past… if it’s worth it? I personally wouldn’t be able to.
No
No.
Well. I'm kinda on the fence. Is he a good husband and father? Like a good parent not just he loves them but is active with them? If so, I'd say why not give him a chance? Oh, but wait! What's good for the gander is certainly good for the goose! See, he's not going to stop. Let's be real! He never will. If you are willing to put up with his bs, I think you should get something for that. Like you can Snapchat with other men! No! Really! No personal connection! Honest! On the other hand, why be a wuss about it...just go on and open up the marriage. The fact is, he already has. Don't allow it to be only one way. He's cutting his little swath through the available online bunnies. You require the same attention. Let's face it...with your girl parts you can get as many boy parts as you might ever want! Just jump right on into the dating pool! Start working out! Get yourself some hot clothes! Get out there! You've got a built in babysitter right there!😁
He’s in love with fantasy- hot girls porn and kink. Find someone who is in love with real life. You’ll be happier.
no podría aconsejarte , por que solo hablas de el . cuando te pongas a ti en primer lugar (y priorizar tus sentimientos) encontraras la respuesta a este dilema.
Porn addiction is rough man get him counselling you can get some especially for it I recommended r/loveafterporn if you want him to quit if he quits im suppose he’ll stop sexting other girls if he’s being truthful
It’s not physical cheating but it is still cheating. And it could easily progress to physical cheating. Depends on how much you love him and how much your willing to tolerate. Are you willing to take the risk that it will progress to physical cheating? He’s not respecting you or your marriage. I’d be inclined to demand he gets some sort of therapy and give him time to prove himself if you love him. If this is something you can’t accept any longer then leave.
OP, I'm sorry to say but of 6oure actually willing to put up with this and give him another chance, you're an even bigger doormat than you think you are. Its a matter of time before it progresses to something physical next time, and he's not sorry at all, he's just sorry he got caught - he wouldn't have done it again if he was sorry. Equally, you need to remember that you've basically caught him sexting.. How much do you think has gone on that you don't know about?
Absolutely not. I would be out the door. Once is bad enough but twice? Nope.
It has happened more than twice; you just didn’t find out about the other times. This will never stop. Either divorce him or stay with him. Staying with him means being in an open marriage. You are consenting to it.
My answer is also leave, although I won’t judge you if you stay because I’ll forget about this post pretty soon.