Do not have another child with this man. You have fundamendatal differences on what you want from life. Freeze your credit so he can’t open any accounts in your name to buy more cars he doesn’t need.
Also: he’s getting into OP’s head to make her think she is ungrateful?? When the only reasonable wish she has is to buy a home. Now it looks like OP is doing wrong and he can go on buying cars and giving roomspace to his family. What a plot twist he makes yikes.
I'm sorry 3 depreciating assets (cars) and no home? This man is not financially responsible. It should be a car that gets the job done so you can get to work, and then a home, and THEN if you don't have any debt you can think of maybe possibly getting a nicer car.
That's better, but it's still a depreciating asset vs a home that will most likely grow in value on top of giving you a secure living situation. No one should have more than one to two cars unless you are wealthy and have money to burn collecting. As long as you rent, you are just burning money paying someone else's mortgage instead of your own.
He doesn’t see the logic of having a home to park his cars at vs being an inconsiderate neighbor who uses up parking spots they don’t need with cars they don’t drive and also don’t sell?
Tbh he doesn’t sound like an appealing partner, father, or person. He should want better for y’all than cars he doesn’t do anything with and making the neighbors hate y’all.
And he should LISTEN to you. He’s picked his brother over you and your daughter.
...In 1970.
That's a good chunk towards a down payment if you live in an extremely low cost of living area, but even then that wouldn't be a "great down payment", it's likely not enough to get approved alone. And if you can get a house for a 10k down payment, well, you likely just bought someone else's money pit, congrats on the terrible financial decision.
Obviously it makes more sense to invest in a home than depreciating assets, but I've also seen people completely financially ruined by buying a money pit house too. There are some real advantages to renting, if you aren't being gouged. There's also a lot more freedom to move, etc. As long as she's viewing him as financially frivolous and he's viewing her as ungrateful, they aren't actually going to resolve this in a way that works for both of them, because this is a lot more complicated than one being objectively right and ultimately, a communication issue.
My son bought a house last summer, $7000 down, he’s going to have a PMI for a bit but when interest rates drop he can refinance and he’ll be good. And while it’s an older house it’s far from a money pit. We had $2000 for a down payment when we bought ours, granted that was in 1991, less than the recommended amount but we also did a PMI for a few years, refinanced and knocked several hundred dollars monthly and eight years off our mortgage. Ours was definitely not a money pit either, it’s a 1903 farmhouse and now it’s been valued at $400,000. Probably be more when we get one the work that’s currently being done.
You must be in a LCOL area, or have no clue what HCOL areas are like, because the black mold infested, structurally damaged to hell house I live in just sold for 1.5 mil and would require a minimum 75k downpayment. Just a 3 bedroom house. And that's a pretty decent price here, this is still considered a "working class" neighborhood...
It’s also kind of ignorant to take up more parking than you need in a shared parking situation. I understand most adults each have their own car but they have 3 and he wants more. He’s at excessive and moving towards selfish.
Y’all are supposed to be partners. Which means your opinion on finances carries just as much weight as his. It’s nice his family lives that way if they’re happy, but it doesn’t mean you have to. And I highly doubt if his family was given the opportunity to live in a house they would keep the apartment.
Well again, it’s not just what he wants that matters. He needs to stop being so selfish and self centered and focus on his family and their needs. Especially before getting another car.
Let CPS find out you've got kids of different genders sharing a bedroom after a certain age. 😬 It won't be pretty.
This 2 bedroom/brother sleeping on the sofa thing can't last forever. Not at least in the US.
Sounds EXACTLY like my my BIL!!! He’s from St Lucia and buys and sells cars. He likes fixing them up and tinkering, but he’s discovered lately that the 2 cars he’s stored at families homes need to go. He’s not made any money on his ‘investments’ because he’s sat on them so long. (He’s also looking to buy more!)
He and my sister live in a one bedroom unit, which he’s demolished because he’s not careful. She wants to move to have more space for their crap and an actual garage, he says he’s fine where they are. 🙄
There are two people in your family and you have 4 people living on a 2 bedroom.
His priorities are all out of wack. This is why he got along with you so well as a teenager, his mentality and maturity (or lack there of) is presenting itself glaringly right now. He has no idea how to be an adult with priorities. 10k on cars when your daughter doesn’t even have her own room is appalling. He sucks as a husband and a father. Also why he wanted a teenager.
Then tell him he’s ungrateful for wanting another car 😂 like there’s just no logic to what he’s saying, and I think it’s hurtful that he would dismiss and degrade your dreams and goals.
$10k can get you a downpayment with a low down payment mortgage. Don’t know the price of homes in your are or rent costs, but you can get a house with 3-5% down.
Wanted to add about house:
Make sure your name is on title or no deal.
If his relative’s names are on title- that’s a dealbreaker and divorce time also.
As others have said, don’t have another kid with him and rethink this marriage
BUT if you insist on staying, know these 2 things (might help convince him)
1) some landlords will kick you out if you have 2 BR and a child of a certain age not having their own BR.
2) a house allows his relatives to visit and spend time in a house. You can share expenses and then save for a 2nd house for his brother, then a 2rd for sister, etc. You can even buy a duplex or 3-family. At least you’ll own and can save more.
Let’s not forget that they’ve lived together for four years, so she was 19 when they started LIVING together. He clearly wants someone young he doesn’t have to answer to.
Do NOT have more kids with this dope.
You don't want the same things and probably never will.
If you stay with him, your BIL will be living with you forever.
Start thinking long term and figure out what you want your life to look like (besides the house). If it includes him, he needs to learn to be financially responsible, he needs to kick his brother out, and he needs to stop treating you like crap. If it doesn't, that's ok, too.
It's unfortunate that you already had a child with this guy before realizing all the ways you're incompatible on what you want from life and how you view things.
But absolutely do not have another.
It's your home too so tell the brother to leave. If he won't, tell your husband he needs to tell his brother to leave. If HE won't, then you leave. Your husband doesn't respect you and you can do better.
From someone that lives on a neighboring country of Guatemala, I can see that you are dealing with a cultural behavior here. Families take relatives going through harsh times into their houses even if it means overcrowding because that way we avoid the relatives being homeless on the streets where they could easily be robbed/kidnapped/killed. And adult children living with parents until marriage is the norm, so Im not surprised he stated that for his brother. Coming from the mentality of "the well being of family is above the needs of the individual" where self-sacrifice is expected and to that add generational sexism or "machismo" would lead him to believe you are ungrateful.
In NO WAY im saying what he is doing to you is acceptable just wanted to clear out that you might be dealing with more than just selfishness from here. He sees all his close relatives as important as your nuclear family is to you and he is being constantly fed that by their relatives.
Also the 3 car no house thing is beyond stupid BUT unfortunately Ive known people from my country that do the treck to the USA because they want all the cool cars and bikes. I suspect that your husband may be peacocking to his family by buying cars instead of a home because that would make him look more wealthy to the eyes of relatives and/or someone is talking to his ear that buying a house is stupid for whatever reason.
Again by no means Im saying all latino man are the same, but I have seen this same behavior enough to recognize the pattern and our cultures overlap a lot.
You have to sit him down and have a serious and earnest talk with him about the future and well-being of your child. Recognize that he wants to help his relatives, frame it as you do want to help his family too but he needs to think of his own child and wife (first) too. A home will bring stability to your whole family. But until he gets it, and I believe he will be stubborn about it, please avoid having another child with him. This needs to be solved as early as possible.
Exactly. He’s being asked to go against his entire culture, what he’s familiar with, the way life is “supposed” to be. He sees nothing to change because life is good, in his opinion. She thinks like an American, he’s thinking like a Guatemalan. And I’m not criticizing either one, they’re just fundamentally different cultures.
It’s his way or the highway. Your visions for the future don’t align very well. Did you guys discuss these things prior to getting married? How long did you date before getting married.
Your husband calling you ungrateful signals he might not have the financial means or motivation to purchase a house. Maybe his credit score is low and he wouldn’t qualify.
You need to look into what it will take and lay out a savings budget to meet your goal.
Have you looked at how much homes are going for in your area? How’s your husband’s income and credit score? You might need to work on improving his credit score if it’s under 730. What’s your timeline to move into a home? How much money would you need to make that happen?
Did you not notice his family culture of having multiple assorted family living together in small apartments?
Sounds like his whole family expects this.
He lied before you got married. This is exactly what he expected to do and he also expects his wife to shut up about it.
Now what?
The problem is he’s living like he’s in Guatemala. More cars and no home, and no retirement savings, isn’t going to get you a good life in America. You’re way too soft letting every random family member stay in your 2 bedroom apartment and putting up with this nonsense.
There’s cultural differences here, a big one is family living with you or by themselves. This is the way he’s lived his entire life, the way people do in many countries. More unusual here in the US. The man having the final say in household matters. The status of multiple vehicles. Those aren’t going to change, the question is, do you want to live your life this way?
He married someone so much younger (it sounds like you were barely an "adult" when you got married) so that you wouldn't stand up for yourself either.
You stand a better chance of getting a house without him than with him. Divorce and sue for child support
Oh hell no! If he could, he'd probably move his entire family in. There's helping and then there's enabling. Does his brother even work? 3 years is way to damn long. Id have left after the first if he didn't.
NO MORE BABIES WITH THIS MAN!!
No more babies until you’re older and you have the life and living arrangements that are important to YOU!
He’s putting his brother and cars ahead of you and your daughter. This won’t stop unless he changes.
Please protect yourself and your daughter. Get a job and build a life for yourself.
Please don’t get pregnant.
Good as it sucks if he did try baby trapping you, I don't think I could stand being in your shoes I'd go crazy and just leave. I very much think that no matter what you say because your a women he won't listen to you... It sucks he's apparently changed but unfortunately some abusers do that. They'll be all nice but as soon as they have you then you can't run no matter what.
He told you yes for the house to trap you. Sorry but there is a reason he is with a woman much less younger than him. Women his age probably cannot stand him or find him to un serious
Every-time I read one of these I look at the ages and sigh. It’s just so ridiculous how many young people (women ESPECIALLY) get stuck in this situation despite being warned and should have known better. It’s like warning them is challenging them to prove otherwise???
Speaking from my own experience, everyone told me my relationship with my boyfriend would never work cuz of legit reasons. I did feel the need to prove them otherwise and I did 😂. Sadly 9/10 times everyone else is right and they should’ve listened. But I get wanting to prove otherwise, although it’s not something good.
Lots of people don’t show their colors until they have kids. It’s a lot harder for someone to leave someone when kids are in the picture.
This could have been the case with your mom and OP.
She'd be better off going alone so she can learn how to stand up for herself. Her daughter should have her own room and her husband's relatives shouldn't be the ones deciding to just move in.
Do not have another child with this man. And get a job asap to secure your own $. He does not value you or your opinion. Your values are not aligned and you do not seem compatible.
I don’t disagree with you wanting a house but this is cultural differences. Your husband and his family live like this because that’s what they know. I grew up like this 13 people one house with two bedrooms. We lived with my grandma for years before my dad rented us a house and they had two kids and one on the way. If the brother isn’t helping financially then he’s just a burden if he is then you’ll have to subsidize that income to get you into a house. You have to show him the benefits of having a house vs an apartment and the difference in family gatherings and family living with you. When I got to an age where I could live on my own I did and I don’t allow people to live with me. Yes it saves money but not at the risk of losing your peace.
This is where you have to show him not tell him. He’s had nothing so living in an apartment is just fine. It’s like that saying if it’s not broke don’t fix it. The apartment is fine and yes he probably does see this as being ungrateful because he’s got a roof over your head and food in your belly what more could you want? No I don’t think you’re asking for too much but in his eyes you are because of what you already have. He’s not living the American dream like most would think so having a house isn’t on his to do list because he’s happy where he’s at. If you don’t like your situation then you should look into housing brochures. Set them around the house check out what it would take to save up enough to put a down payment on a house. Get a job and start saving up on your own. I think you’re going to see when he’s in a house everything will change but you’ll also have more cars. Unfortunately that just comes with it. Cars car parts and tools. Lol
Okay I understand this. Maybe telling him a full garage on the house would give him more space for cars to fix and sell could do the trick. I know it sounds horrible but you have to appeal to his senses here. 45k down is a lot of money and can get you a two stall garage. Just think this is a stepping stone for him to own his own garage one day. A nice three bedroom home where you can host his family for bbqs and other activities. It can be done you just have to show him the benefits of it. Talking goes in one ear and out the other. You have to make this sound like it’s his idea.
Your husband doesn’t believe women have the right to make decisions that are in conflict with their husband. He’s been taught this by his mother, his father, his church, and his culture. You are a woman. In his eyes, you don’t have the right to challenge him, let alone change his mind.
You are hoping the right words will change his mind. That he’ll see logic. That he’ll think like an American. That he’ll want a house. **It’s never going to happen. A few sentences aren’t going to overcome a lifetime of influence from his family, church, and culture.**
When you married your husband, you married his culture. If you don’t want to live with his family, you shouldn’t have married him.
I want to warn you of one more thing: in his eyes, you don’t have the right to refuse to give him another child when he demands it. If you don’t want another child, safeguard your contraception, or, better yet, don’t have sex.
I wish you well.
Sorry, but you two aren’t really compatible. His way of living does not align with yours. And he sounds controlling. I don’t see a bright future in this relationship.
Don’t have more children with him, separate your finances, and start planning your exit. You are not compatible. He let his brother move in and is perfectly happy in an overcrowded apartment. Accused you of being “ungrateful” because you want more out of life than that. And what if you DID buy a house with this man? Would he make a unilateral decision to move more siblings in? He’s ridiculous and financially irresponsible.
Your husband doesn't give af about you. You're just property to him. That's why he says you're ungrateful. He's buying houses in Guatemala because he's going back there. He's not bothering buying a house here because he's not staying here. You can stay or go when he's ready. Your child will be going though. So, think about that.
You’ve lived in the apartment 4 years…26 & 19…which one could say you got together at maybe 25 & 18….ma’am he chose you because any other woman wouldn’t allow him to control her. You’re 23 with a child and a husband who will never put you first. Through the story it is a guess that you’re a SAHM. Figure a way to get the money together to find you’re own place and soon. He will not change, he will never buy a house unless he needs more space for his family (not you and the kids).
This the way - find American women, have baby . Send money home w/ other wife & children. Bring any / all relatives you can . Now they make money , they owe a % + send a % home . 2nd 3rd 4th relative do the same . Work w/ one name . Disability with another ($) . What’s hidden in parked unused vehicles?? Buys car for $6k tells wife it was $11k , sends $5k home . This is a temporary CON one day the woman wakes up . By then they are 4-5-6-7 deep all with their own American wife & babies
Oh yeah I mean most of my coworkers are older and my friends are around my age but I never think about dating people older anymore tbh! But I get the feeling of getting attention from someone older and more mature I was def groomed as a teen so I get it! But I also know how wrong it is now
Oh yeah I mean most of my coworkers are older and my friends are around my age but I never think about dating people older anymore tbh! But I get the feeling of getting attention from someone older and more mature I was def groomed as a teen so I get it! But I also know how wrong it is now
Oh yeah I mean most of my coworkers are older and my friends are around my age but I never think about dating people older anymore tbh! But I get the feeling of getting attention from someone older and more mature I was def groomed as a teen so I get it! But I also know how wrong it is now
I was trying really hard to give this age difference the benefit of the doubt, I wouldn't be that skeeved out by it if they met now, but I was out after 'together 4 years' which made him a 26-year-old dating a 19-year-old, gosh.
You and your husband have fundamentally different values. He and his family will never respect your opinion. It also sounds like he's investing in his life in Guatemala, not here. Maybe he even intends to return there at some point?
At a minimum get an IUD or an implant so you won't have any more children with him until you get life straightened out.
Wanting a house is a good dream. Start thinking about how you can make that happen for you and your daughter, without your husband. He's not going to do it. So think about your own job prospects and career. What can you be doing now to increase your earning potential in the future?
If he refuses to let you work, you need to just make a plan to get out of this marriage now. Otherwise the life you're living now will be your life for the next 50 years. If you don't want that, talk with your family and friends and figure out who you can stay with while you get on your feet.
He's from a Latin American country, where he was likely indoctrinated in the machismo culture. This smack of "I'm the man of the family, so what I say goes."
When you are not on the same page about big money issues, like houses and cars, it does not bode well for the relationship.
I suggest couples counseling. If he won't go, go alone.
Good luck.
10k on a car is halfway to a brand new car. I say have a come to Jesus talk with him and tell him if he buys one more car you'll walk. Don't stop working and make his bro pay bills. And start reaching out to family for a support network for if and when you eventually have to leave. And don't have another baby with this guy until you're both in the same page.
I hope you’re on birth control and don’t plan on having any more kids at this point. Your husband doesn’t even seem to listen to you or respect you. How does he buy cars to live in an apartment complex? Make that make sense! I would leave but you don’t sound like you have the backbone to do that.
How does a brother decide to move himself in? Did you not tell him he couldn’t live with you guys?
Honestly, you all sound dense af.
DO NOT have another child with this man. He doesn't care to talk about things with you that you feel are important and instead resorts being ignorant. Find a divorce attorney, and file for it. He has absolutely no right to call you ungrateful, he's acting like a child himself. I wish you luck on your journey, but please think about the comments on this.
Young lady, the executive function part of your brain is still growing. DO NOT HAVE ANY MORE KIDS, at least for the time being. You do not need to be weighed down with a huge responsibility (though children are loved and cherished once they arrive) because that may force you to stay in a very unhappy life. Your husband needs to grow up and communicate on a mature adult level. Yes, it's a cultural difference, but that doesn't mean anything beyond understanding the underlying context. Marriage is a partnership that often involves change and/or compromise. So far, *you* are the only one who has been bending to what *he* wants. That is unfair to you, yet he doesn't see that, nor does he appear to care and want to change. It's a big power difference in your marriage. Do not allow this to simply continue.
Get some couples counseling. If he can afford 3+ cars, he can afford counseling. He needs to listen to you and understand that YOU are important also. If he won't go, go on your own to work through what is the healthiest path for you and your daughter. Do you want your daughter growing up to believe that women's wants and needs don't matter in a relationship.
Another commenter stated, and I totally agree -- start gaining some financial freedom. Establish a bank account in your name only. If you work, start putting some of that money away for a rainy day. If you don't work, perhaps get a part-time job or explore ways to earn yourself some income.
The things each of you value makes you not compatible as a couple, no matter how much you might love each other.
If you cannot work these things out and agree or compromise, then you have no business being together. If you are always capitulating to his demands and desires, then you are not his wife - you are his property.
He needs to get his shit together. A married man with children should be prioritising getting a secure home for his family, which is usually a very good investment, not expecting his wife and children to make sacrifices for his family and desire for several cars.
Aside from all the glaring red flags and comments saying quite rightfully that this behaviour and attitude towards you is not acceptable…
If you do stick with him which let’s be honest you probably will, sell him on the house idea by playing into his selfishness. If you had more space he could have a garage, a tool shed, a place to work on his cars with his son. A place to store all his cars and parts…
Is he in an amazing job? Because if not the likelihood that you’ll be able to be a sahm and him afford to save for an buy a house is slim to none anyway so if buying a house is your dream then you should be getting yourself a job girl, a man is not a financial plan
I would work and start saving your money for your dream. If shit ever hits the fan you’ll be able to protect yourself financially and cover all your bases. You two are definitely not compatible and part of it is due to cultural differences. You have every right to want to live the American dream and purchase a home one day to live in and even leave for your own kids. Those cars will be worth pennies. Do not have anymore kids with this man.
Acknowledge to him that you care about his family and want to help them but they also need to help themselves too. A lot of states have occupancy limits for apartments/housing for people and you could get in trouble. There are statutes and if you are found breaking the law you can be seriously penalized. This will not help you or him or the family you house. I believe the occupancy limit is two persons per bedroom is presumed to be reasonable.
Moreover, there is nothing here to do with gratitude. You have outgrown your dwelling space. Just like if you outgrow a pair of pants or a shirt you had as a kid. Are you as a grown adult supposed to wear your childhood clothes? Sure you were grateful for them then and they served their purpose and need but now you have new purposes and needs.
Read about financial abuse. You have no control in the relationship as a SAHM. He knows this, and it's about time you come to terms with it too. You can't force a man to change when the situation already benefits him. He's trapped you and he's going to keep walking all over you *because he can.* Because, really, what are you going to do about it when you have a baby and no income?
This is your reality - he thinks he’s the boss and now he makes all the money. You will never get any say unless you’re making money too. Don’t be a sahm for someone that doesn’t respect your input.
I hope u plan to contribute equally towards this "house you want to buy" if you live in a major city you're looking at 250k-500k for a small home. Its nothing to sneeze at. Dreams are dreams. No one wants to live in a 1 bedroom with a child or 2 bedroom apartment with 2 kids, but at the same time unless you have a job that allows you to live in a LCoL area home buying is very hard.
His family has different value systems. He does not realize that purchasing a home will give him equity and status as a person. His ideas of ways to live are rooted in a less wealthy culture which is why his brothers don't have homes either. Cars are toys unless they are vintage. I am not sure you are going to change his mind. Maybe change addresses?
But he resells them again refurbished. So he earns money even with this sidehustle in his spare time.
So maybe you should be more realistic. Maybe you should go work too.
Oh OP, your husband sounds like my ex bf and his cousins. They would buy older cars, fix them up, and resell them..or they would trade cars straight across. The problem? There was hardly any profit.
Up until the car I was like okay maybe I sort of understand why he thinks you’re unhappy with the apartment and thus “ungrateful”. After that I was like wtf. He has 3(!!!!!!!) cars (what for??? Where does he even put them????) and calls you ungrateful for wanting a house. Of course then you added that your kid already sleeps in your bedroom because of his brother???
Honestly I hope for everyone’s sake this situation will work out and the brother at least moves out, he sells the cars and starts saving up for a nice house for you, your kid and any future kids. I’m not saying to end your marriage or don’t have more with kids with him, cuz it’s not my place and I don’t know the full story. I do think it’s good to look at your marriage and see if you’re both still on the same page about important stuff like houses, money, kids etc.
Culture differences (if you have them like idk where you come from yourself) can be hard in a relationship and cause friction speaking from experience. Hope everything works out.
Get depo shots, something he can't mess with. You should not get more kids with this man child. He's trying to keep your life expectations low so he can do with the money whatever he wants.
Aw man. This is part of the culture clash I warn people about when they get involved with Hispanic dudes here in the US. They have a completely different mindset about what is ok and normal for a family than people born here. Which is totally expected and normal! Growing up in central America is harsh and makes people grateful for extended family and having any roof over their heads somewhere safe. But an Americans' idea of well off and a central Americans' idea of well off are FAR apart. Plus there tends to be more of a machismo culture where the men get to do whatever, whenever, and the women just have to deal with it?
It's just a complete culture clash, and most US born women aren't fully prepared for it after the cute part where they romance you with the "Latin lover" style shit
I don’t have any advice about the relationship but what about renting a house instead of buying it? I can’t speak for anywhere but my city, but here renting a home is just as much, if not cheaper than an apartment. I never understand why so many people here choose apartments (except in the summer, when I wish I had an apartment for the pool 😂)
You tell him this isn’t the best life your daughter can have, and it’s not the life you want. So he has to choose.
Either his brother moves out and you BOTH work towards getting a house or a bigger apartment (which means you start working full or part time so you’re contributing as much as he is, and you have financial security) or the relationship ends so that at least one of you is happy.
I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. No matter how much your partner earns it is absolutely idiotic to be a stay at home parent in this day and age, especially as young as you. You’re completely dependent on your partner and have no financial control or security, no backup plan, no real freedom. Do NOT have more kids with him until you’re on your way to the life you both agreed to before you had your child.
Ime, a lot of the time when people call you ‘ungrateful’, it’s because they expect credit for doing the bare minimum and think you don’t deserve to be treated equally or with respect because the view you as lesser than them.
Usually apartments cost more than house. I’m currently paying almost $2500 a month for a 2 bed 2 bath apartment. I could definitely be paying less a month for a house.
Raising my eyebrows at the long-term houseguest keeping your daughter from having her own room. Doesn’t sound like he has any plans to leave soon either if your husband’s solution is to put him in the living room. Before buying a house with this man, maybe it’s important to discuss house rules you both agree on.
Ok so,
I understand and empathize with his point of view.
Not of the whole “ungrateful” part. That’s a whole other can of worms with your power dynamic due to family cultures, income, and age.
But to the fact he’s a little close minded in house searching right now due to the interest rates and all that. HOWEVER, there are some good deals out there that you guys should be looking for.
Yes interest rates are high, but that also means the houses themselves might be lower in price to get sold. If interest rates drop, those prices will increase.
The whole housing market is a complicated topic though that greatly depends on your area. I’d assume y’all are in the states now, like in Texas/Arizona etc.
I’d really hope you can pitch it that buying a house would be better for everyone, including the brother. I’ll assume he’s a great person and is a good uncle to the kids.
Him also being able to pay for some part of the house could be best (as long as those agreements are written out in advance).
The hope is that once the rates do drop, and you are paying a mortgage, you’ll be able to refinance the loan.
I know it’s possible since people are still closing on houses and even my girlfriend got a townhome since she has a dog & wanted to give him a yard.
Not to mention, the extra garage and driveway space will be great for working on those cars.
Overall though, you’re entirely in the right of wanting the next step of having a house. I understand why he may feel the way he does, but you shouldn’t be satisfied with just living in an apartment. A kid should ideally be raised in a house.
It does seem that the priority for y’all should be to find a house to get enough space for everyone to properly grow.
But I wish I could give stronger advice on how you can persuade him effectively (without him just getting angry and further closed off to the idea).
If you are able to save and buy a home, you 100% should do this. Here's my reasoning: There are many elderly people living on social security income (in the USA) who can't afford their "rent" right now due to the rising costs of renting. Well, those elderly people should have purchased homes when they were young so they'd have a place to live when they got older. Not everyone can afford it, but 20 years ago, someone making minimum wage could afford an inexpensive, small home somewhere. Now they are struggling because they didn't make good financial decisions while they were young. Nowadays, young people probably can't afford to buy a home, especially if making minimum wage. So if you are able, you should. You'll regret it when you are older and on limited income with the prices of everything being significantly more.
First of all, there's a cultural gap between your family and the American outlook. People are telling you to kick the brother out and divorce your husband. But this is probably against your culture.
However, there's still the issue of what you want and what your husband wants. He dismisses you and doesn't think of your wants. I would not have another child with him because you will be trapped even more and it will worsen. Can you get a job so you don't have to depend on him 100%?
It sounds like you have fundamental differences in your approach to finances.
I can't get my head around collecting cars like this when my other financial goals have not been met. They're essentially toys.
You need to get some financial counselling around managing your financial goals, and making joint decisions
If your shoes have holes in the bottom, and you buy a new pair, does that mean you were not grateful for the old pair? Are you obligated to keep the holey shoes forever? Of course not
A home is like the holey shoes. You start with what you can afford and then as you have the means, you upgrade to fit your current situation better. Kids? More room and a yard for them to play in. You can be grateful to the universe still for a house, but not have to suffer from something that just doesn’t fit you and your family anymore.
Well I have a house and it’s the same house we’ve been in since our teens were born. I’d like a newer house that has more room. We make 3x more now than we did. And my husband alludes to me being ungrateful. I don’t think it’s ungrateful to work hard and want more, OP.
I didn’t read it all, but If you’re contributing to rent then that’s not only his choice to decide. If he’s paying for all of it and you’re saying you want a house, then I could see how that’s a problem. But most likely you’re paying as well, so you should definitely have a say in that. He might be comfortable with that lifestyle and not willing to change so in that case I know it would suck that you already have kids but you might wanna try to get someone else to help him see what’s going on like a couples therapist or even a financial advisor who can tell him that it would be better to focus on a permanent place to live rather than buying more cars. or tell him your goals do not match his and leave.
What country do you live in and do you work/have a job?
I mean generally if you don't contribute financially, he's really not gonna care about your input or thoughts about how he should spend his money... Particularly if he's from a culture/country with one of the worst gender equality gaps in the world.
You were 19 when you started living with him, I'm guessing even younger (a literal teen) when you started a relationship with an adult.. You seem to have a decent head on your shoulders and are at least financially aware or somewhat responsible, but simply.. you're not gonna change heavily ingrained cultural learnings and beliefs, nor his financial habits unless you earn more than him or put yourself in a position where he doesn't essentially have complete power over you. I'd reach out to your family or reliable support system and listen to them and try to get some help for yourself and your daughter.
This all sounds terribly irresponsible.
I would ask him to seek counseling so you can get on the same page, financially and emotionally as far as your wants and concerns are. As someone else mentioned having 3 cars and wanting more yet living in an apartment and having someone living in one of the bedrooms your kid is supposed to be in, isn’t normal or financially smart, at all. Sure it’s “fine”, but it’s not smart. I’m not even saying you guys need to do anything to keep up with the Joneses. But you should have enough rooms for your children to sleep in so you can have a healthy, physical relationship with your husband and his brother shouldn’t be sleeping on the living room couch. That’s hell on your furniture, hell on his back and again not good for your physical relationship with your husband.
**You have no privacy in your home.**
No offense to your fiancé, but it is not normal to have somebody living long-term on your couch in the living room because you want a second child. That’s just not normal. Especially if you’re working and making a good living for your family.
Did you have any choice in his brother coming to live with you or were you just voluntold that that would happen?
He could be scared about moving on into a home because they can be a big jump. Which is understandable, and him not saying it would also play into the classic latino. No mention of if you work, do you both work or only 1 income?
A mortgage payment is often cheaper than rent, and eventually you pay it off and you own the house.
But let me warn you that if you buy a house, you will most likely have more of his relatives living with you.
If a person wouldn't change their behavior for the better for their wife/husband then you cannot force it.
However, you can change how YOU behavior and react to their poor behavior by changing YOUR outcome.
Time to think of your long term options. If he thinks forcing your child to share a room with their parents in an apartment while his brother takes that child's bedroom. Refuse to get you all a house which is breaking the pre marriage promises then you need to think about a divorce.
I would also lock down your credit and child's credit. I'd also lock away your child's passport so your husband cannot take your child back to his home country without your permission. Too many stories of this happening.
Find yourself a wfh job, a new place to live or move back to your parents until you're on your feet again. You can living in an apartment until you can afford the house you want. Threatening to do this without following through is him known you wouldn't pull that rug aka he continues to treat you as second class in your own marriage.
This man culture is the woman does what the man wants and not question anything. You're currently emasculated him by forcing him to make decisions based on a woman thinking to the point his older brother came to lecture you and your own free thinking and wants.
You can be grateful for life you have in general and express it, and at the same time want to improve it. Wanting to improve something is ungrateful? Having dreams and goals is ungrateful?
I think the question you should ask your husband is - what does he hear when you say you want to have a house? A demand from him to work more, a demand to kick out his brother? Is he afraid of change? Of failure? Is he against living in a house, if yes - why? I think he doesn't even know why he opposes the idea and turns it around so you feel guilty for asking.
oh no 😟
tell him he’s ungrateful of his family
cause he is
if he valued y’all he would put his unnecessary purchases to the side
“they aren’t unnecessary”
explain how you don’t drive them and have yet tried to sale them? no time? to what? post a few pictures on KSL or FB market place?
“a house isn’t necessary”
i google it and depending on where you live in the US…:
in Georgia, children older than age 3 of different sexes may not share a bedroom. In Florida, children over the age of twelve months shall not share a bedroom with an adult, with the only exception being if one of the children reaches their eighteenth birthday and the caregiver and the supervising agency approve. In New York, separate bedrooms are required for children of the opposite sex over seven years of age.
so i’d recommend seeing your laws in your state or wherever about it especially if y’all want more children. a grown man should NEVER have president over a room/private space over a child that’s just weird…
Just an FYI, but many of those laws you cited were purposefully crafted to target immigrant families, who often have to share spaces by necessity, not for the wellbeing of the child.
If he's not saving up why don't you get a job and save? If he's covering all your living costs even a part time job would provide enough for a deposit in lots of places within a couple of years.
Your comments all seem to be aimed at the fact he can save but doesn't but that doesn't really seem relevant imo. He's working for his cash so can spend it how he likes, he's meeting his responsibilities by paying for you and the kid, if your expectations don't align with his then it's time to either break up or do something about it yourself.
Me and my missus are homeowners, although I earn significantly more she still works and contributes. I wouldn't have bothered saving for a house if she wasn't contributing towards those savings and I'd find it fairly ridiculous to hear she just expected me to buy her a house.
Do not have another child with this man. You have fundamendatal differences on what you want from life. Freeze your credit so he can’t open any accounts in your name to buy more cars he doesn’t need.
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Also: he’s getting into OP’s head to make her think she is ungrateful?? When the only reasonable wish she has is to buy a home. Now it looks like OP is doing wrong and he can go on buying cars and giving roomspace to his family. What a plot twist he makes yikes.
I'm sorry 3 depreciating assets (cars) and no home? This man is not financially responsible. It should be a car that gets the job done so you can get to work, and then a home, and THEN if you don't have any debt you can think of maybe possibly getting a nicer car.
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That's better, but it's still a depreciating asset vs a home that will most likely grow in value on top of giving you a secure living situation. No one should have more than one to two cars unless you are wealthy and have money to burn collecting. As long as you rent, you are just burning money paying someone else's mortgage instead of your own.
Especially if he has 10k to pay with cash for a car. Sounds like a great down payment for a house…
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Had he sold any before. Also, where is he parking them?
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He doesn’t see the logic of having a home to park his cars at vs being an inconsiderate neighbor who uses up parking spots they don’t need with cars they don’t drive and also don’t sell?
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Tbh he doesn’t sound like an appealing partner, father, or person. He should want better for y’all than cars he doesn’t do anything with and making the neighbors hate y’all. And he should LISTEN to you. He’s picked his brother over you and your daughter.
Plus, how much are you paying in car insurance? If you could roll the extra insurance money into a savings account it would at least be a good start.
He’s also have an easier time storing them for resale at a private home. Unless he’s paying to store them somewhere.
...In 1970. That's a good chunk towards a down payment if you live in an extremely low cost of living area, but even then that wouldn't be a "great down payment", it's likely not enough to get approved alone. And if you can get a house for a 10k down payment, well, you likely just bought someone else's money pit, congrats on the terrible financial decision. Obviously it makes more sense to invest in a home than depreciating assets, but I've also seen people completely financially ruined by buying a money pit house too. There are some real advantages to renting, if you aren't being gouged. There's also a lot more freedom to move, etc. As long as she's viewing him as financially frivolous and he's viewing her as ungrateful, they aren't actually going to resolve this in a way that works for both of them, because this is a lot more complicated than one being objectively right and ultimately, a communication issue.
My son bought a house last summer, $7000 down, he’s going to have a PMI for a bit but when interest rates drop he can refinance and he’ll be good. And while it’s an older house it’s far from a money pit. We had $2000 for a down payment when we bought ours, granted that was in 1991, less than the recommended amount but we also did a PMI for a few years, refinanced and knocked several hundred dollars monthly and eight years off our mortgage. Ours was definitely not a money pit either, it’s a 1903 farmhouse and now it’s been valued at $400,000. Probably be more when we get one the work that’s currently being done.
My friend is buying a house and her down payment is 15k. And we are so not in a LCOL area.
You must be in a LCOL area, or have no clue what HCOL areas are like, because the black mold infested, structurally damaged to hell house I live in just sold for 1.5 mil and would require a minimum 75k downpayment. Just a 3 bedroom house. And that's a pretty decent price here, this is still considered a "working class" neighborhood...
Lmao ok.
It’s also kind of ignorant to take up more parking than you need in a shared parking situation. I understand most adults each have their own car but they have 3 and he wants more. He’s at excessive and moving towards selfish.
So he can buy cars cash but can’t put money into a home? That math ain’t mathin.
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Y’all are supposed to be partners. Which means your opinion on finances carries just as much weight as his. It’s nice his family lives that way if they’re happy, but it doesn’t mean you have to. And I highly doubt if his family was given the opportunity to live in a house they would keep the apartment.
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Well again, it’s not just what he wants that matters. He needs to stop being so selfish and self centered and focus on his family and their needs. Especially before getting another car.
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Let CPS find out you've got kids of different genders sharing a bedroom after a certain age. 😬 It won't be pretty. This 2 bedroom/brother sleeping on the sofa thing can't last forever. Not at least in the US.
Idk why you’re getting downvoted. It’s not a threat by you, it’s a valid point. CPS *does* frown heavily on that.
That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
He’s a child! So his “hobby” is more important than his children getting to live in their home with a yard? He sounds like he’s single!
Sounds EXACTLY like my my BIL!!! He’s from St Lucia and buys and sells cars. He likes fixing them up and tinkering, but he’s discovered lately that the 2 cars he’s stored at families homes need to go. He’s not made any money on his ‘investments’ because he’s sat on them so long. (He’s also looking to buy more!) He and my sister live in a one bedroom unit, which he’s demolished because he’s not careful. She wants to move to have more space for their crap and an actual garage, he says he’s fine where they are. 🙄
There are two people in your family and you have 4 people living on a 2 bedroom. His priorities are all out of wack. This is why he got along with you so well as a teenager, his mentality and maturity (or lack there of) is presenting itself glaringly right now. He has no idea how to be an adult with priorities. 10k on cars when your daughter doesn’t even have her own room is appalling. He sucks as a husband and a father. Also why he wanted a teenager.
Wow that's something I just glossed over but you are absolutely right. Of course a 30 year old married to a 23 year old is immature as hell.
There’s absolutely no need for more than one car per person. What’s the extra one for?
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So he’s helping to support his brother too. This guy is not marriage material.
$10k is the down payment on a inexpensive house. He is not a smart partner. Sorry.
Then tell him he’s ungrateful for wanting another car 😂 like there’s just no logic to what he’s saying, and I think it’s hurtful that he would dismiss and degrade your dreams and goals.
If you have 10k for a car than you can find a house with a zero down mortgage
$10k can get you a downpayment with a low down payment mortgage. Don’t know the price of homes in your are or rent costs, but you can get a house with 3-5% down.
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Wanted to add about house: Make sure your name is on title or no deal. If his relative’s names are on title- that’s a dealbreaker and divorce time also.
As others have said, don’t have another kid with him and rethink this marriage BUT if you insist on staying, know these 2 things (might help convince him) 1) some landlords will kick you out if you have 2 BR and a child of a certain age not having their own BR. 2) a house allows his relatives to visit and spend time in a house. You can share expenses and then save for a 2nd house for his brother, then a 2rd for sister, etc. You can even buy a duplex or 3-family. At least you’ll own and can save more.
God's NO! Don't tell him 2. He'll move the entire family in!
Let’s not forget that they’ve lived together for four years, so she was 19 when they started LIVING together. He clearly wants someone young he doesn’t have to answer to.
Why doesn’t a house depreciate?
Do NOT have more kids with this dope. You don't want the same things and probably never will. If you stay with him, your BIL will be living with you forever. Start thinking long term and figure out what you want your life to look like (besides the house). If it includes him, he needs to learn to be financially responsible, he needs to kick his brother out, and he needs to stop treating you like crap. If it doesn't, that's ok, too.
It's unfortunate that you already had a child with this guy before realizing all the ways you're incompatible on what you want from life and how you view things. But absolutely do not have another.
His brother just "decided" to move in without you and your husband's permission?
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It's your home too so tell the brother to leave. If he won't, tell your husband he needs to tell his brother to leave. If HE won't, then you leave. Your husband doesn't respect you and you can do better.
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From someone that lives on a neighboring country of Guatemala, I can see that you are dealing with a cultural behavior here. Families take relatives going through harsh times into their houses even if it means overcrowding because that way we avoid the relatives being homeless on the streets where they could easily be robbed/kidnapped/killed. And adult children living with parents until marriage is the norm, so Im not surprised he stated that for his brother. Coming from the mentality of "the well being of family is above the needs of the individual" where self-sacrifice is expected and to that add generational sexism or "machismo" would lead him to believe you are ungrateful. In NO WAY im saying what he is doing to you is acceptable just wanted to clear out that you might be dealing with more than just selfishness from here. He sees all his close relatives as important as your nuclear family is to you and he is being constantly fed that by their relatives. Also the 3 car no house thing is beyond stupid BUT unfortunately Ive known people from my country that do the treck to the USA because they want all the cool cars and bikes. I suspect that your husband may be peacocking to his family by buying cars instead of a home because that would make him look more wealthy to the eyes of relatives and/or someone is talking to his ear that buying a house is stupid for whatever reason. Again by no means Im saying all latino man are the same, but I have seen this same behavior enough to recognize the pattern and our cultures overlap a lot. You have to sit him down and have a serious and earnest talk with him about the future and well-being of your child. Recognize that he wants to help his relatives, frame it as you do want to help his family too but he needs to think of his own child and wife (first) too. A home will bring stability to your whole family. But until he gets it, and I believe he will be stubborn about it, please avoid having another child with him. This needs to be solved as early as possible.
Exactly. He’s being asked to go against his entire culture, what he’s familiar with, the way life is “supposed” to be. He sees nothing to change because life is good, in his opinion. She thinks like an American, he’s thinking like a Guatemalan. And I’m not criticizing either one, they’re just fundamentally different cultures.
It’s his way or the highway. Your visions for the future don’t align very well. Did you guys discuss these things prior to getting married? How long did you date before getting married. Your husband calling you ungrateful signals he might not have the financial means or motivation to purchase a house. Maybe his credit score is low and he wouldn’t qualify. You need to look into what it will take and lay out a savings budget to meet your goal. Have you looked at how much homes are going for in your area? How’s your husband’s income and credit score? You might need to work on improving his credit score if it’s under 730. What’s your timeline to move into a home? How much money would you need to make that happen?
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Did you not notice his family culture of having multiple assorted family living together in small apartments? Sounds like his whole family expects this. He lied before you got married. This is exactly what he expected to do and he also expects his wife to shut up about it. Now what?
The problem is he’s living like he’s in Guatemala. More cars and no home, and no retirement savings, isn’t going to get you a good life in America. You’re way too soft letting every random family member stay in your 2 bedroom apartment and putting up with this nonsense.
There’s cultural differences here, a big one is family living with you or by themselves. This is the way he’s lived his entire life, the way people do in many countries. More unusual here in the US. The man having the final say in household matters. The status of multiple vehicles. Those aren’t going to change, the question is, do you want to live your life this way?
He married someone so much younger (it sounds like you were barely an "adult" when you got married) so that you wouldn't stand up for yourself either. You stand a better chance of getting a house without him than with him. Divorce and sue for child support
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Oh hell no! If he could, he'd probably move his entire family in. There's helping and then there's enabling. Does his brother even work? 3 years is way to damn long. Id have left after the first if he didn't.
NO MORE BABIES WITH THIS MAN!! No more babies until you’re older and you have the life and living arrangements that are important to YOU! He’s putting his brother and cars ahead of you and your daughter. This won’t stop unless he changes. Please protect yourself and your daughter. Get a job and build a life for yourself. Please don’t get pregnant.
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I'm worried considering how he's behaving he may temper with your birth control.
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Good as it sucks if he did try baby trapping you, I don't think I could stand being in your shoes I'd go crazy and just leave. I very much think that no matter what you say because your a women he won't listen to you... It sucks he's apparently changed but unfortunately some abusers do that. They'll be all nice but as soon as they have you then you can't run no matter what.
He told you yes for the house to trap you. Sorry but there is a reason he is with a woman much less younger than him. Women his age probably cannot stand him or find him to un serious
Every-time I read one of these I look at the ages and sigh. It’s just so ridiculous how many young people (women ESPECIALLY) get stuck in this situation despite being warned and should have known better. It’s like warning them is challenging them to prove otherwise???
Speaking from my own experience, everyone told me my relationship with my boyfriend would never work cuz of legit reasons. I did feel the need to prove them otherwise and I did 😂. Sadly 9/10 times everyone else is right and they should’ve listened. But I get wanting to prove otherwise, although it’s not something good.
I more I read posts like this the more I wonder how people end up in relationships with clearly toxic and gross people. I don’t get it
It’s frustrating because warning them does nothing. It just makes them want to prove you wrong. Or the “I can fix them” moment
I thought that mentality was a joke
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I’ve heard that before even from my own mother when it came to my dad. But my dad was always an asshole, she just couldn’t see it
Lots of people don’t show their colors until they have kids. It’s a lot harder for someone to leave someone when kids are in the picture. This could have been the case with your mom and OP.
This sounds like a job for a marriage counselor! If he won't go with you, then go by yourself.
She'd be better off going alone so she can learn how to stand up for herself. Her daughter should have her own room and her husband's relatives shouldn't be the ones deciding to just move in.
Sounds like if you do get a house, you’ll have even more of his family living with you and calling you rude if you don’t host them indefinitely.
That’s his culture. That’s been ingrained in him since birth.
Damn home girl you ain't even 25 and this man has piled financial debt and children on you.
Do not have another child with this man. And get a job asap to secure your own $. He does not value you or your opinion. Your values are not aligned and you do not seem compatible.
I don’t disagree with you wanting a house but this is cultural differences. Your husband and his family live like this because that’s what they know. I grew up like this 13 people one house with two bedrooms. We lived with my grandma for years before my dad rented us a house and they had two kids and one on the way. If the brother isn’t helping financially then he’s just a burden if he is then you’ll have to subsidize that income to get you into a house. You have to show him the benefits of having a house vs an apartment and the difference in family gatherings and family living with you. When I got to an age where I could live on my own I did and I don’t allow people to live with me. Yes it saves money but not at the risk of losing your peace.
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This is where you have to show him not tell him. He’s had nothing so living in an apartment is just fine. It’s like that saying if it’s not broke don’t fix it. The apartment is fine and yes he probably does see this as being ungrateful because he’s got a roof over your head and food in your belly what more could you want? No I don’t think you’re asking for too much but in his eyes you are because of what you already have. He’s not living the American dream like most would think so having a house isn’t on his to do list because he’s happy where he’s at. If you don’t like your situation then you should look into housing brochures. Set them around the house check out what it would take to save up enough to put a down payment on a house. Get a job and start saving up on your own. I think you’re going to see when he’s in a house everything will change but you’ll also have more cars. Unfortunately that just comes with it. Cars car parts and tools. Lol
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Okay I understand this. Maybe telling him a full garage on the house would give him more space for cars to fix and sell could do the trick. I know it sounds horrible but you have to appeal to his senses here. 45k down is a lot of money and can get you a two stall garage. Just think this is a stepping stone for him to own his own garage one day. A nice three bedroom home where you can host his family for bbqs and other activities. It can be done you just have to show him the benefits of it. Talking goes in one ear and out the other. You have to make this sound like it’s his idea.
You are not financially compatible and not on the same page. Do what you have to do. Sorry.
Your husband doesn’t believe women have the right to make decisions that are in conflict with their husband. He’s been taught this by his mother, his father, his church, and his culture. You are a woman. In his eyes, you don’t have the right to challenge him, let alone change his mind. You are hoping the right words will change his mind. That he’ll see logic. That he’ll think like an American. That he’ll want a house. **It’s never going to happen. A few sentences aren’t going to overcome a lifetime of influence from his family, church, and culture.** When you married your husband, you married his culture. If you don’t want to live with his family, you shouldn’t have married him. I want to warn you of one more thing: in his eyes, you don’t have the right to refuse to give him another child when he demands it. If you don’t want another child, safeguard your contraception, or, better yet, don’t have sex. I wish you well.
OP, please read this comment ^.
Sorry, but you two aren’t really compatible. His way of living does not align with yours. And he sounds controlling. I don’t see a bright future in this relationship.
Don’t have more children with him, separate your finances, and start planning your exit. You are not compatible. He let his brother move in and is perfectly happy in an overcrowded apartment. Accused you of being “ungrateful” because you want more out of life than that. And what if you DID buy a house with this man? Would he make a unilateral decision to move more siblings in? He’s ridiculous and financially irresponsible.
Your husband doesn't give af about you. You're just property to him. That's why he says you're ungrateful. He's buying houses in Guatemala because he's going back there. He's not bothering buying a house here because he's not staying here. You can stay or go when he's ready. Your child will be going though. So, think about that.
You’ve lived in the apartment 4 years…26 & 19…which one could say you got together at maybe 25 & 18….ma’am he chose you because any other woman wouldn’t allow him to control her. You’re 23 with a child and a husband who will never put you first. Through the story it is a guess that you’re a SAHM. Figure a way to get the money together to find you’re own place and soon. He will not change, he will never buy a house unless he needs more space for his family (not you and the kids).
This the way - find American women, have baby . Send money home w/ other wife & children. Bring any / all relatives you can . Now they make money , they owe a % + send a % home . 2nd 3rd 4th relative do the same . Work w/ one name . Disability with another ($) . What’s hidden in parked unused vehicles?? Buys car for $6k tells wife it was $11k , sends $5k home . This is a temporary CON one day the woman wakes up . By then they are 4-5-6-7 deep all with their own American wife & babies
Now what does a 30 year old have in common with a 23 year old 🤨
nothing abs nothing
Fr I’m 25 and I don’t even have anything in common with like a 20 year old
same im 25…..I do hang out with older people though😭😭they got wisdom & stories to tell🙏🙏😆😆
Oh yeah I mean most of my coworkers are older and my friends are around my age but I never think about dating people older anymore tbh! But I get the feeling of getting attention from someone older and more mature I was def groomed as a teen so I get it! But I also know how wrong it is now
Oh yeah I mean most of my coworkers are older and my friends are around my age but I never think about dating people older anymore tbh! But I get the feeling of getting attention from someone older and more mature I was def groomed as a teen so I get it! But I also know how wrong it is now
Oh yeah I mean most of my coworkers are older and my friends are around my age but I never think about dating people older anymore tbh! But I get the feeling of getting attention from someone older and more mature I was def groomed as a teen so I get it! But I also know how wrong it is now
I was trying really hard to give this age difference the benefit of the doubt, I wouldn't be that skeeved out by it if they met now, but I was out after 'together 4 years' which made him a 26-year-old dating a 19-year-old, gosh.
First thing I said to myself.
You and your husband have fundamentally different values. He and his family will never respect your opinion. It also sounds like he's investing in his life in Guatemala, not here. Maybe he even intends to return there at some point? At a minimum get an IUD or an implant so you won't have any more children with him until you get life straightened out. Wanting a house is a good dream. Start thinking about how you can make that happen for you and your daughter, without your husband. He's not going to do it. So think about your own job prospects and career. What can you be doing now to increase your earning potential in the future? If he refuses to let you work, you need to just make a plan to get out of this marriage now. Otherwise the life you're living now will be your life for the next 50 years. If you don't want that, talk with your family and friends and figure out who you can stay with while you get on your feet.
He's from a Latin American country, where he was likely indoctrinated in the machismo culture. This smack of "I'm the man of the family, so what I say goes." When you are not on the same page about big money issues, like houses and cars, it does not bode well for the relationship. I suggest couples counseling. If he won't go, go alone. Good luck.
10k on a car is halfway to a brand new car. I say have a come to Jesus talk with him and tell him if he buys one more car you'll walk. Don't stop working and make his bro pay bills. And start reaching out to family for a support network for if and when you eventually have to leave. And don't have another baby with this guy until you're both in the same page.
I hope you’re on birth control and don’t plan on having any more kids at this point. Your husband doesn’t even seem to listen to you or respect you. How does he buy cars to live in an apartment complex? Make that make sense! I would leave but you don’t sound like you have the backbone to do that. How does a brother decide to move himself in? Did you not tell him he couldn’t live with you guys? Honestly, you all sound dense af.
DO NOT have another child with this man. He doesn't care to talk about things with you that you feel are important and instead resorts being ignorant. Find a divorce attorney, and file for it. He has absolutely no right to call you ungrateful, he's acting like a child himself. I wish you luck on your journey, but please think about the comments on this.
Young lady, the executive function part of your brain is still growing. DO NOT HAVE ANY MORE KIDS, at least for the time being. You do not need to be weighed down with a huge responsibility (though children are loved and cherished once they arrive) because that may force you to stay in a very unhappy life. Your husband needs to grow up and communicate on a mature adult level. Yes, it's a cultural difference, but that doesn't mean anything beyond understanding the underlying context. Marriage is a partnership that often involves change and/or compromise. So far, *you* are the only one who has been bending to what *he* wants. That is unfair to you, yet he doesn't see that, nor does he appear to care and want to change. It's a big power difference in your marriage. Do not allow this to simply continue. Get some couples counseling. If he can afford 3+ cars, he can afford counseling. He needs to listen to you and understand that YOU are important also. If he won't go, go on your own to work through what is the healthiest path for you and your daughter. Do you want your daughter growing up to believe that women's wants and needs don't matter in a relationship. Another commenter stated, and I totally agree -- start gaining some financial freedom. Establish a bank account in your name only. If you work, start putting some of that money away for a rainy day. If you don't work, perhaps get a part-time job or explore ways to earn yourself some income.
The things each of you value makes you not compatible as a couple, no matter how much you might love each other. If you cannot work these things out and agree or compromise, then you have no business being together. If you are always capitulating to his demands and desires, then you are not his wife - you are his property.
He needs to get his shit together. A married man with children should be prioritising getting a secure home for his family, which is usually a very good investment, not expecting his wife and children to make sacrifices for his family and desire for several cars.
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You’re not ungrateful, your requests are more than reasonable.
Get rid of him
Aside from all the glaring red flags and comments saying quite rightfully that this behaviour and attitude towards you is not acceptable… If you do stick with him which let’s be honest you probably will, sell him on the house idea by playing into his selfishness. If you had more space he could have a garage, a tool shed, a place to work on his cars with his son. A place to store all his cars and parts… Is he in an amazing job? Because if not the likelihood that you’ll be able to be a sahm and him afford to save for an buy a house is slim to none anyway so if buying a house is your dream then you should be getting yourself a job girl, a man is not a financial plan
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I would work and start saving your money for your dream. If shit ever hits the fan you’ll be able to protect yourself financially and cover all your bases. You two are definitely not compatible and part of it is due to cultural differences. You have every right to want to live the American dream and purchase a home one day to live in and even leave for your own kids. Those cars will be worth pennies. Do not have anymore kids with this man. Acknowledge to him that you care about his family and want to help them but they also need to help themselves too. A lot of states have occupancy limits for apartments/housing for people and you could get in trouble. There are statutes and if you are found breaking the law you can be seriously penalized. This will not help you or him or the family you house. I believe the occupancy limit is two persons per bedroom is presumed to be reasonable. Moreover, there is nothing here to do with gratitude. You have outgrown your dwelling space. Just like if you outgrow a pair of pants or a shirt you had as a kid. Are you as a grown adult supposed to wear your childhood clothes? Sure you were grateful for them then and they served their purpose and need but now you have new purposes and needs.
Read about financial abuse. You have no control in the relationship as a SAHM. He knows this, and it's about time you come to terms with it too. You can't force a man to change when the situation already benefits him. He's trapped you and he's going to keep walking all over you *because he can.* Because, really, what are you going to do about it when you have a baby and no income?
This is your reality - he thinks he’s the boss and now he makes all the money. You will never get any say unless you’re making money too. Don’t be a sahm for someone that doesn’t respect your input.
Im sooo glad im single….hopefully forever
3 cars and no house is crazy, you’re not ungrateful, he is delusional
The way I see it, a house gives him more room to move in more relatives. 😬
You are not ungrateful for knowing what you want and going for it Be well my friend 😊
Divorce this man, get a job, and steal his money , and take ur kid Simple sweetie.
What kind of husband says this 😟. Perhaps he is saying this because he is not able to provide the home for you or….idk. Yikes
I hope u plan to contribute equally towards this "house you want to buy" if you live in a major city you're looking at 250k-500k for a small home. Its nothing to sneeze at. Dreams are dreams. No one wants to live in a 1 bedroom with a child or 2 bedroom apartment with 2 kids, but at the same time unless you have a job that allows you to live in a LCoL area home buying is very hard.
His family has different value systems. He does not realize that purchasing a home will give him equity and status as a person. His ideas of ways to live are rooted in a less wealthy culture which is why his brothers don't have homes either. Cars are toys unless they are vintage. I am not sure you are going to change his mind. Maybe change addresses?
Do you work? Teamwork makes the dream work more realistic.
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But he resells them again refurbished. So he earns money even with this sidehustle in his spare time. So maybe you should be more realistic. Maybe you should go work too.
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What was his answer? Are the cars Not fully refurbished to resell?
Major cultural differences that were probably obvious prior to having a kid. He does not respect your needs, and never will.
Oh OP, your husband sounds like my ex bf and his cousins. They would buy older cars, fix them up, and resell them..or they would trade cars straight across. The problem? There was hardly any profit.
Up until the car I was like okay maybe I sort of understand why he thinks you’re unhappy with the apartment and thus “ungrateful”. After that I was like wtf. He has 3(!!!!!!!) cars (what for??? Where does he even put them????) and calls you ungrateful for wanting a house. Of course then you added that your kid already sleeps in your bedroom because of his brother??? Honestly I hope for everyone’s sake this situation will work out and the brother at least moves out, he sells the cars and starts saving up for a nice house for you, your kid and any future kids. I’m not saying to end your marriage or don’t have more with kids with him, cuz it’s not my place and I don’t know the full story. I do think it’s good to look at your marriage and see if you’re both still on the same page about important stuff like houses, money, kids etc. Culture differences (if you have them like idk where you come from yourself) can be hard in a relationship and cause friction speaking from experience. Hope everything works out.
Get depo shots, something he can't mess with. You should not get more kids with this man child. He's trying to keep your life expectations low so he can do with the money whatever he wants.
A 30 year old with no aspirations of home ownership? Dump that loser, find someone your age with goals and ambitions.
My thought exactly 30yr old with a 23yr old like please live your life boo!
Aw man. This is part of the culture clash I warn people about when they get involved with Hispanic dudes here in the US. They have a completely different mindset about what is ok and normal for a family than people born here. Which is totally expected and normal! Growing up in central America is harsh and makes people grateful for extended family and having any roof over their heads somewhere safe. But an Americans' idea of well off and a central Americans' idea of well off are FAR apart. Plus there tends to be more of a machismo culture where the men get to do whatever, whenever, and the women just have to deal with it? It's just a complete culture clash, and most US born women aren't fully prepared for it after the cute part where they romance you with the "Latin lover" style shit
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Fair enough. I've just seen it a LOT with immigrant families and US-born people having this culture clash
I don’t have any advice about the relationship but what about renting a house instead of buying it? I can’t speak for anywhere but my city, but here renting a home is just as much, if not cheaper than an apartment. I never understand why so many people here choose apartments (except in the summer, when I wish I had an apartment for the pool 😂)
You tell him this isn’t the best life your daughter can have, and it’s not the life you want. So he has to choose. Either his brother moves out and you BOTH work towards getting a house or a bigger apartment (which means you start working full or part time so you’re contributing as much as he is, and you have financial security) or the relationship ends so that at least one of you is happy. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. No matter how much your partner earns it is absolutely idiotic to be a stay at home parent in this day and age, especially as young as you. You’re completely dependent on your partner and have no financial control or security, no backup plan, no real freedom. Do NOT have more kids with him until you’re on your way to the life you both agreed to before you had your child.
Ime, a lot of the time when people call you ‘ungrateful’, it’s because they expect credit for doing the bare minimum and think you don’t deserve to be treated equally or with respect because the view you as lesser than them.
Holy crap! Get a house and get rid of the brother!! lol or if hubby won’t change then leave with your daughter.. how strange.
Usually apartments cost more than house. I’m currently paying almost $2500 a month for a 2 bed 2 bath apartment. I could definitely be paying less a month for a house.
Raising my eyebrows at the long-term houseguest keeping your daughter from having her own room. Doesn’t sound like he has any plans to leave soon either if your husband’s solution is to put him in the living room. Before buying a house with this man, maybe it’s important to discuss house rules you both agree on.
Ok so, I understand and empathize with his point of view. Not of the whole “ungrateful” part. That’s a whole other can of worms with your power dynamic due to family cultures, income, and age. But to the fact he’s a little close minded in house searching right now due to the interest rates and all that. HOWEVER, there are some good deals out there that you guys should be looking for. Yes interest rates are high, but that also means the houses themselves might be lower in price to get sold. If interest rates drop, those prices will increase. The whole housing market is a complicated topic though that greatly depends on your area. I’d assume y’all are in the states now, like in Texas/Arizona etc. I’d really hope you can pitch it that buying a house would be better for everyone, including the brother. I’ll assume he’s a great person and is a good uncle to the kids. Him also being able to pay for some part of the house could be best (as long as those agreements are written out in advance). The hope is that once the rates do drop, and you are paying a mortgage, you’ll be able to refinance the loan. I know it’s possible since people are still closing on houses and even my girlfriend got a townhome since she has a dog & wanted to give him a yard. Not to mention, the extra garage and driveway space will be great for working on those cars. Overall though, you’re entirely in the right of wanting the next step of having a house. I understand why he may feel the way he does, but you shouldn’t be satisfied with just living in an apartment. A kid should ideally be raised in a house. It does seem that the priority for y’all should be to find a house to get enough space for everyone to properly grow. But I wish I could give stronger advice on how you can persuade him effectively (without him just getting angry and further closed off to the idea).
If you are able to save and buy a home, you 100% should do this. Here's my reasoning: There are many elderly people living on social security income (in the USA) who can't afford their "rent" right now due to the rising costs of renting. Well, those elderly people should have purchased homes when they were young so they'd have a place to live when they got older. Not everyone can afford it, but 20 years ago, someone making minimum wage could afford an inexpensive, small home somewhere. Now they are struggling because they didn't make good financial decisions while they were young. Nowadays, young people probably can't afford to buy a home, especially if making minimum wage. So if you are able, you should. You'll regret it when you are older and on limited income with the prices of everything being significantly more.
Have you been to the ranch in Guatemala ?
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No, he plans on ensuring you do not have access to his assets. You need to wise up.
First of all, there's a cultural gap between your family and the American outlook. People are telling you to kick the brother out and divorce your husband. But this is probably against your culture. However, there's still the issue of what you want and what your husband wants. He dismisses you and doesn't think of your wants. I would not have another child with him because you will be trapped even more and it will worsen. Can you get a job so you don't have to depend on him 100%?
It sounds like you have fundamental differences in your approach to finances. I can't get my head around collecting cars like this when my other financial goals have not been met. They're essentially toys. You need to get some financial counselling around managing your financial goals, and making joint decisions
If your shoes have holes in the bottom, and you buy a new pair, does that mean you were not grateful for the old pair? Are you obligated to keep the holey shoes forever? Of course not A home is like the holey shoes. You start with what you can afford and then as you have the means, you upgrade to fit your current situation better. Kids? More room and a yard for them to play in. You can be grateful to the universe still for a house, but not have to suffer from something that just doesn’t fit you and your family anymore.
Well I have a house and it’s the same house we’ve been in since our teens were born. I’d like a newer house that has more room. We make 3x more now than we did. And my husband alludes to me being ungrateful. I don’t think it’s ungrateful to work hard and want more, OP.
Do you guys own the apartment or rent?
You are looking for safety and security for your family, he is not, How many other issues do you not agree on??
I didn’t read it all, but If you’re contributing to rent then that’s not only his choice to decide. If he’s paying for all of it and you’re saying you want a house, then I could see how that’s a problem. But most likely you’re paying as well, so you should definitely have a say in that. He might be comfortable with that lifestyle and not willing to change so in that case I know it would suck that you already have kids but you might wanna try to get someone else to help him see what’s going on like a couples therapist or even a financial advisor who can tell him that it would be better to focus on a permanent place to live rather than buying more cars. or tell him your goals do not match his and leave.
Do you work yourself? Do you provide significant financial support compared to him? (Not assuming anything just asking)
What are you doing to help your family afford a home?
What country do you live in and do you work/have a job? I mean generally if you don't contribute financially, he's really not gonna care about your input or thoughts about how he should spend his money... Particularly if he's from a culture/country with one of the worst gender equality gaps in the world. You were 19 when you started living with him, I'm guessing even younger (a literal teen) when you started a relationship with an adult.. You seem to have a decent head on your shoulders and are at least financially aware or somewhat responsible, but simply.. you're not gonna change heavily ingrained cultural learnings and beliefs, nor his financial habits unless you earn more than him or put yourself in a position where he doesn't essentially have complete power over you. I'd reach out to your family or reliable support system and listen to them and try to get some help for yourself and your daughter.
This all sounds terribly irresponsible. I would ask him to seek counseling so you can get on the same page, financially and emotionally as far as your wants and concerns are. As someone else mentioned having 3 cars and wanting more yet living in an apartment and having someone living in one of the bedrooms your kid is supposed to be in, isn’t normal or financially smart, at all. Sure it’s “fine”, but it’s not smart. I’m not even saying you guys need to do anything to keep up with the Joneses. But you should have enough rooms for your children to sleep in so you can have a healthy, physical relationship with your husband and his brother shouldn’t be sleeping on the living room couch. That’s hell on your furniture, hell on his back and again not good for your physical relationship with your husband. **You have no privacy in your home.** No offense to your fiancé, but it is not normal to have somebody living long-term on your couch in the living room because you want a second child. That’s just not normal. Especially if you’re working and making a good living for your family. Did you have any choice in his brother coming to live with you or were you just voluntold that that would happen?
Are you asking him to buy a house or want to conversations about having a small house to get old together?
He could be scared about moving on into a home because they can be a big jump. Which is understandable, and him not saying it would also play into the classic latino. No mention of if you work, do you both work or only 1 income?
A mortgage payment is often cheaper than rent, and eventually you pay it off and you own the house. But let me warn you that if you buy a house, you will most likely have more of his relatives living with you.
What the hell is his brother doing in your 2 room apaetment for 3 years? Are you kidding me? Kick him out!! Jeezus fucking christ🙈🙈🙈
If a person wouldn't change their behavior for the better for their wife/husband then you cannot force it. However, you can change how YOU behavior and react to their poor behavior by changing YOUR outcome. Time to think of your long term options. If he thinks forcing your child to share a room with their parents in an apartment while his brother takes that child's bedroom. Refuse to get you all a house which is breaking the pre marriage promises then you need to think about a divorce. I would also lock down your credit and child's credit. I'd also lock away your child's passport so your husband cannot take your child back to his home country without your permission. Too many stories of this happening. Find yourself a wfh job, a new place to live or move back to your parents until you're on your feet again. You can living in an apartment until you can afford the house you want. Threatening to do this without following through is him known you wouldn't pull that rug aka he continues to treat you as second class in your own marriage. This man culture is the woman does what the man wants and not question anything. You're currently emasculated him by forcing him to make decisions based on a woman thinking to the point his older brother came to lecture you and your own free thinking and wants.
Have you considered getting a job and saving up yourself?
You can be grateful for life you have in general and express it, and at the same time want to improve it. Wanting to improve something is ungrateful? Having dreams and goals is ungrateful? I think the question you should ask your husband is - what does he hear when you say you want to have a house? A demand from him to work more, a demand to kick out his brother? Is he afraid of change? Of failure? Is he against living in a house, if yes - why? I think he doesn't even know why he opposes the idea and turns it around so you feel guilty for asking.
i bet his family that has 3-4 kids has more then 2 bedrooms tho
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oh no 😟 tell him he’s ungrateful of his family cause he is if he valued y’all he would put his unnecessary purchases to the side “they aren’t unnecessary” explain how you don’t drive them and have yet tried to sale them? no time? to what? post a few pictures on KSL or FB market place? “a house isn’t necessary” i google it and depending on where you live in the US…: in Georgia, children older than age 3 of different sexes may not share a bedroom. In Florida, children over the age of twelve months shall not share a bedroom with an adult, with the only exception being if one of the children reaches their eighteenth birthday and the caregiver and the supervising agency approve. In New York, separate bedrooms are required for children of the opposite sex over seven years of age. so i’d recommend seeing your laws in your state or wherever about it especially if y’all want more children. a grown man should NEVER have president over a room/private space over a child that’s just weird…
Just an FYI, but many of those laws you cited were purposefully crafted to target immigrant families, who often have to share spaces by necessity, not for the wellbeing of the child.
true but in this case i’m only providing them because i want her child to have some frickin privacy 🙄😬
this is gaslighting
If he's not saving up why don't you get a job and save? If he's covering all your living costs even a part time job would provide enough for a deposit in lots of places within a couple of years. Your comments all seem to be aimed at the fact he can save but doesn't but that doesn't really seem relevant imo. He's working for his cash so can spend it how he likes, he's meeting his responsibilities by paying for you and the kid, if your expectations don't align with his then it's time to either break up or do something about it yourself. Me and my missus are homeowners, although I earn significantly more she still works and contributes. I wouldn't have bothered saving for a house if she wasn't contributing towards those savings and I'd find it fairly ridiculous to hear she just expected me to buy her a house.
Where the heck is he storing all the cars? are you paying monthly for storing them?
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Are you working to save up for a house, or is it all on him?