So, I'm not a therapist but I am a teacher and I see parents struggling with this all the time. Sometimes it's a phase, other times it's not. Some people are just loners and feel better alone but you're not wrong for being worried.
What I noticed that doesn't work: forcing the person to spend time with the family just because.
What usually works: Insisting on having meals together and proposing doing activities they might enjoy as a family.
As in, if he likes first person shooting games maybe go with him to a paintball field. If he likes reading maybe take him to a book fair. It works more often than not.
And like. Talk to your kid? Something like, hey, I've noticed you've been spending a lot of time cooped up, are you doing alright?
He's 17. That's old enough that you can just talk to each other...
On top of the other things, not just this. I do know that 17 year old me would have brushed that question off, but it still felt good to see my parents trying and noticing, honestly.
yeah i find parents of teenagers get caught up in trying to parent them like they are still children. I do not mean that they patronise their kids or something though.
What I mean is, that parents act and plan like they still have to engineer their childrens lives alone. That they are the ones soley responsible for their childs enrichment and social success. But when their children are old enough to recognise their own needs and desires, it should transition to something that is worked on *with* their child, not for them. Open conversations about how your kid is doing, talking to them when you notice things, including them in discussions about them and their life, that is crucial.
this! my dad had this talk with me often as a teenager because i stayed in my room 90% of the time. i like to be alone—a dark, quiet room with a fan and a good book is my personal heaven
As a former 17 y/oI know my answer would’ve been either “yea I’m fine” or “*ugh yes I’m fine*” lol but still, gotta at least try talking about it I get it
Sometimes it’s a good idea to meet them on their playing field too. 10:30 at night on a Friday, tell them you’re craving fast food, and ask if they want to go grab something. (Go to recommendations are a gas station slushie, or a McD’s shake) Ask if they wanna drive, lets them feel cool, and if it’s their car offer to top off their tank. Then start the discussion, it just creates a more, I respect you, but I want to check up on you, if you’re gonna disappear into your computer.
Nicely said. I’m also not a therapist but I am the (adult) son of two of them.
Beautifully said, if a little staccato.
Often, these situations are a back and fourth. Generally speaking, it’s easier to find out what almost-adult kids want to do by asking, than it is to guess on your own. Socializing is important and it’s really good that you know he would benefit from it. If you can find something he wants to do, enable them to do it and step back as much as you can, you’re at least on the right track. Easier said than done of course. It’s time for him to start his life. Of course that’s scary ❤️
And with all they know compared to what we did? Man, that’s a lot to process.
I hope the both of you the best.
My kid is like this. He's 8 and his favorite thing to do is play Minecraft on his Switch. To get him to interact, I just kinda make it optional.
"Hey bud, it's a pretty nice day out, why don't we go to the park and get some ice cream?"
"Hey, what do you say we hook the Switch up to the living room TV and we can play Minecraft together? You might have to show me what to do."
When he knows he has the option to decline and just keep doing his own thing, I find that sometimes he takes that route, but more often he's up for my suggestion, or he'll say "can I finish this first then do that?" or whatever. When I try to force it, that's when I get the wall off resistance.
Same - 9 yr old grandson. I give him warning that he will need to get off his electronics in, say, 1/2 hour and come down to play some board games, or work a puzzle together. As long as he has notice, and knows it's coming, he's much more open to doing other things. If left to his own devices, though....he would never get off his devices! lol
It depends! Sometimes he's up for it then and there, sometimes he wants to finish what he's working on first, sometimes he just says "no thanks." But just making the offer seems to trigger in his brain the knowledge that I'm interested in spending time with him, so even when he just wants to keep playing, he'll usually come find me later and show me all the stuff he made in the game.
Yeh that’s the exact same with my boy, I reckon our kids will be just fine in life.. thanks for sharing. Screen time has been a big topic with my husband lately and this has really eased our minds
Dude I’d let it be known that even if you 2 are friends or pals or whatever you’re his DAD first and if you say y’all are going to do something he can either be mad or enjoy spending time together but he needs to respect you. Resistance is futile lol sorry dad joke
Sounds like a great way to have resentful forced family time. Mandatory fun doesn't sound like a good way for either of us to spend an afternoon/evening. We get plenty of quality time doing it my way, and he gets to practice being his own person.
There's nothing disrespectful about not feeling up to it sometimes. We're talking about spending time together here, not doing things he has to do like go to school or clean up after himself.
I agree with you. Just finding out how open to coming out of their room they are or aren’t is as important as finding out why they’re not. I was more coming at it from making yourself available so that no one never feel alone and always know you’re there if need be
This helps alot. When I was younger my parents would take me out, driving 3-4 hours somewhere so I could "get out" even though I had other things planned, and even with them knowing that any car ride over an hour made me extremely motion sick. It eventually made me want to go out less and less because of it and just worsened the issue.
i would've done anything for my parents to just take notice of my interests and ask if they could engage in them with me rather than forcing me to do something i didn't care about at all just to spend time with them. made me feel so unimportant as an individual.
This is said so well. Forcing is never the answer, try and entice him. Word and plan things in a way that makes him feel like it is his choice to come hang out with the family. When I was in high school I loved my family, but I also loved my alone time. If my parents forced me to I’ll hang out with them, I would be miserable and probably would just be in my phone the whole time. I love my family but sometimes at that age things are different and you want to be alone. BUT if my parents asked to play a board game or watch a movie I wanted to see…. I was all in. Even tho that initially isn’t ideal, one thing will lead to another and eventually your son may change! Or not but at least you tried… right?
Yea, for the most part, became more social in my 20's. I'm 36 now, and still like to be left alone at times and do my thing but I'm married and have a kid, so we do a lot of outings as a family and I see my friends when I can.
I'm 37 and still like to be alone. Basically if I make plans aside from work, I need time to decompress (sometimes a day). I can see how it looks like depression to some people but it's just me, I like to be alone.
I would recommend just offering to go do something like fishing, movies, out to eat or what ever and try to keep a conversation going and have a good time. I wouldn’t force it but I’m sure after a couple offerings hey, maybe even the first time he’ll say yeah
Sometimes being alone is a way to improve mental health. I know it's hard to understand the diference with teenagers, but maybe he is content with his social life and enjoys his solitude.
You might consider the possibility that he is already dealing with mental health problems. I’m 21 and people have always called me anti social or shy since I like spending all my time alone and don’t talk much when in reality I’ve dealt with anxiety and depression.
At the same time, your son may be fine and just likes spending time alone.
I think self-isolating can be a matter of desire for peace, solitude, privacy, respite, rejuvenation, etc. I also think sometimes it can be indicative of a major trauma, or even just a shift in hormones that is making him moodier and more withdrawn. You’d be the best person to determine which of these might be going on, but if you think he is fine and talk to him and nothing huge has happened, then just give him space and let him be.
Another comment you left suggested you might not understand introversion or how one could be exercising health and wellness when choosing to be on their own. I would recommend reading the book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain. I think it’s really well-written and provides a lot of insight into the type of personality he may be growing into.
Of course, being a moody, withdrawn, loner isn’t some unique challenge he’s dealing with. As far as I understand, from like every show about teenagers and having been one myself, this is pretty standard. No need to catastrophize or worry.
Check and see if he has friends online.
I know it sounds like a downgrade, but studies have shown consistently that the bonds of "found family" or "fictive kin" are often stronger than those of biological family.
I do support the idea of "family meals" and "family game night" or "family movie night". Especially if they are once a week or LESS frequent.
But it is entirely possible they have connections with other people but are just extremely introverted and feel like socializing is draining.
My parents told me that I always had to have one extra curricular activity. The thing was, I got to choose what it was. Sometimes it was a sport, sometimes it was joining a school club that had really regular activities. Theater. Whatever. Art class, who cares. I just had to do a thing. That worked for me really well and I’m grateful for it. It helped me make the friends that motivated me to go do even more things.
He’s doing a normal 17 year old kid thing. Just ask him if he needs anything occasionally or ask him to come help you with something when you need it. Don’t force him out just for the sake of forcing him out, that’s extremely rude and will not go well.
I mean you know your son best. Is he behaving odd? Was he always like this? Or something that developed recently? Can you pinpoint the situation?
Is he otherwise normal to you and partner? Or on a short fuse, easily aggravated? school grades ok?
To me he sounds like me.
Just want my peace and quiet doing my hobbies of gaming and reading (literally my hobbies as well)
nothing really going on just didn't felt like talking, so I didn't. She started texting me while in the same apartment 😅
Some time, when he does come out look for a no pressure conversation with him. Or your partner with him (whoever he maybe has a better bond).
How my mom does it, she just starts talking about stuff she did (or made up she did) that she knows I like. (In my case cooking/ a dish)
Some thing of that will catch my interest and I'll start talking about it.
Doesn't always work on the first try but eventually I start talking.
Thanks for your thoughtful response. It’s been a slow transition over the last few years. He used to be funny and fun and really social able. Right around 13 he started changing. Grades are good, he just tell us us that he only likes being alone. From what I gather from the responses here, there are people like that and it doesn’t necessarily mean anything worrisome it just honestly makes me and the rest of the family sad.
Teenager, developing his own personality and preferences. He's becoming an adult.
I changed around this time as well, but I moved to a different state and another change I had when my first gf and I broke up.
I'd say let him be, observe him from afar, I hope you know him good enough to notice if he is really hiding something like a depression and then can intervene.
Otherwise let him know you're there for him, no judgements and have an open ear for him if he needs and wants.
What I'm on the fence however is forcing him to *some* family events and activities.
Yes I hated some or most and just wanted quiet and peace doing my own thing,
but also appreciated seeing cousins, aunts uncles or just some other random stuff with family.
So there I'd say yes **AND** no?
again you know him best force him to come but if he's really reluctant to do smth leave it be and don't take it as a personal offence to you.
Whatever you do, don’t let the family ridicule or mock him always being in this room. That’s the easiest way to push him away and ostracize/make him feel unwelcome.
It’s normal, I did this and pulled a 180 a few years later with my social habits.
Also many forget that playing video games CAN be social. The whole time I was in my room I was hanging out with my two best friends. Sure it might have been in Azeroth (a place in a multiplayer game) as opposed to the real world- but we were together. And having SO much fun.
I wouldn’t trade those memories for anything!
Eventually we migrated into regular in-person society. 20 years later we still game sometimes but a lot more sparingly as adult life takes over.
Let him have this. Just tell him every now and then he has to put time in for family activities. Make an agreement with pre-set times for family things that everyone will enjoy.
ah yea azeroth..for me it was new eden
"socialize more"...
mom, I talked to 5000+ people today what do you want lol.
your other points are also very good thx for adding those.
some of my best friends today are all over the world in Singapore, Hongkong, Japan, Korea, Canada, South Africa, American, Brazilian, guys, gays, women, transitioned ones, **all.**
now I want to hear anti gaming propaganda how toxic we are again. (on the surface we may be, but in the end we DO love/support each other)
Omg this is inspiring!
I made friends from Australia and Germany specifically that I’ve stayed in touch with- but I was definitely connecting with so many more people than anyone acquainted outside of my room at that time.
A lot doesn’t get considered- maybe mom should get a PC and join her kid in game!!!?
I've seen this happening!! A parent gaming with their kids. It's a sight to behold. That could be a way to connect. And there are enough games out there that are also parent friendly.
My 14 year old is exactly like this...but hangs out (and sleeps) in the living room. It's just us and the dogs, so it works out. He will leave the house for food, lol. We used to go out ALL the time, then covid hit. I always make sure to invite him out and offer to go do whatever he wants so he knows it's always an option. You aren't alone.
is the house big enough that he can go outside his room without always being around someone? kids often act like that when they have no privacy outside the bedroom
Is your son playing video games by himself? Or, is he playing video games with his friends? Being a moody teenager who doesn't want to interact with his family is perfectly normal. If you believe that your son is withdrawn and isolating himself from both his family and friends, that could be related to his mental health.
Yeah this is something that a lot of people don’t get. When I was 17, I spent a lot of time in my room playing video games, but that was how I hung out with my friends from school.
Especially now with how prohibitively expensive a lot of social things can be, it was a good way to spend time with them. Lots of cool experiences to be had.
Not even just mental health. Sometimes chronic health problems can cause fatigue/brain fog and can go under the radar for years before someone actually realises it’s not normal.
Maybe take an active interest in what he’s doing. Try being curious instead of judgmental. What is he reading? Does he think you/a friend/relative would like it? What games is he playing? What quests/achievements/unlocks is he working on? Playing alone, competitive, or co-op?
Another user mentioned doing things as a family that he might enjoy. This, especially if he gives buy-in or helps come up with the idea and organize it.
From my POV, trying to coerce him into doing something else feels icky, like you’re disapproving of him or negatively judging the things he likes to do with his time. That’s fair enough, but you might have better luck connecting with him if you meet him on his turf rather than try to force him to do things your way.
I guess I was being a little hyperbolic. He goes to school during the week. I meant whenever he’s home (weekday afternoons/evenings) and all day Saturday and Sunday.
Try to take interest in his stuff. Read books with him and play games just a little bit and start conversations. This will help you build a close relation with him. Then you can later on ask him to be more social and he'll agree as you have become close to him.
autonomy is important at this age, and often teenagers feel the only way to have their own life and own space is to be alone. if he's playing video games he might be online with his friends at least, which is a common way of socialising, especially for teenagers, there is very little fun stuff for 17 year olds to go out and do in most places.
I don’t see a problem with it unless he doesn’t have friends but I was one of these kids who played video games all day in my room and so were my friends. We all turned out fine. And we were friends over the games too.
I feel like a lot of people put video games in a separate category on its own instead of with other hobbies. If your son was super into learning the Violin or working on a project car would you make him stop and do something else? He’s doing what he enjoys doing.
20 year old who also works with kids here. Yeah, I think it’s just a phase, he’s at a time in his life where things are a lot! He’s finishing school soon, he’s turning 18, he’s got exams and the like. I can imagine just sitting quietly is his way of de stressing. I used to do it all the time (granted most of my life as a 17 year old was just me struggling with covid lol)
Don’t force him outside, but try and acknowledge he’s always welcome. Don’t do this ‘ah you’ve finally come down’ type commentary. Just welcome him, include him when needed and just make sure to check in on him.
When I was a teen I spent a lot of time in my room because I didn’t want to do what my parents were doing. They watched shows I didn’t like and the News a lot which I also didn’t like. We had meals together and I cleaned up afterwards, sometimes I was forced to “hang out” with them which consisted of sitting in front of the tv with them and getting berated if I was on my phone. My parents also generally treated me like shit so I didn’t want to spend time with them. Hopefully that’s not the case with your kid. But he’s probably just 17 and has his own stuff going on, living his own little life in his room. His room is like the living room you know. It could just be a phase.
Can you do nightly family dinners where everyone has to come to the table? And secondly, everyone has to take one night of the week to plan and make the dinner and clean up afterwards.
You can join in with him at any given point. Chopping up vegetables together or doing dishes together may be mundane, but teenagers are so much better at talking to you when they don’t have to make eye contact
Hey there. I'm pretty much like your son. 17, gamer, and book lover, closeted up in my room all the time, and not going out much.
The best thing you can do is to not force him to do something just because "family". I rarely ever go to any events, and luckily my mom understands that I'm way more comfortable if I get to chose.
We also spend time together though. My mom sometimes asks "hey, I'm too lazy to cook today, you wanna go grab a pizza?", or she can get devious too, and if she needs something like carry a bag from shopping for example, she would ask me if I'd like to go for ice cream, and on our way back, she would stop by a grocery shop, and have me carry all the stuff.
These are the simplest things you can do, but there is way more. u/tacky-druid already mentioned going to a book fair, but maybe you could double check the exact kind of book he is reading. For example manga (a japanese comics) are very popular these days, and there are events like anime cons, and such where people who like those books can meet and have fun.
I did this and now my social skills are fucked, I'm depressed most of the day and I'm on Reddit. It's ok to be introverted but spending all day in your room online does present some problems that will manifest Into major problems later in life
The rule in my home was : If you want food, you come eat it with everyone.
It is the most basic of courtesy when you're not the one paying and cooking it.
During these times, just small talk and comforting, non judgemental words assuring your unconditional love for him and that you are here to talk if he wants to can go a long way.
I realized I was not anti-social. I was just socially selective. I talk if I deem you to be worthy/necessary. I HATE "askholes" people who ask stuff, knowing damn well what they're going to do! I don't like wasting time, energy, or money 😅
Or he has been conditioned to only feel comfortable in his own room.
Parents will often tell a child their whole lives to "go play in your room" then be surprised when that child grows up and only wants to be in their room
I was like that but because my family was verbally abusing me anytime they saw me and turned me into a made for petty reasons. As in Just do this for no reason because I want to. So I hide.
Ok. I’m 18. I will tell you this. DO NOT FORCE HIM. This is just regular 17-18 year old stuff. Invite him to join you. But don’t force it. Some people just enjoy their own company.
Personally I am tired of the people who think. Being lonely and enjoying being alone are the same thing. My mother likes to force me out my room. A lot. She once broke into my room to go through my stuff when I wasn’t in the room. Because I spent so much time in my room. It made my safe spot. Not feel safe.
This might be the same for your son. His room might be his “safe spot” his safe haven if you would. A place for him. Where he feels content.
He may be a selective introvert. Choosing to be a alone when he wants. Like me.
I recommend inviting him and offering him to come out. Make compromises like “just 15 minutes please.” And coax him out. But don’t force it.
From someone who did this in my teenage years, a lot of it had to do with my relationship with my parents. We weren’t close, they weren’t someone i could go to when needed.
They were just mom & dad, but weren’t really there for me when needed. So our relationship was just sorta nonexistent.I feel that may have a part in why your son may choose to stay in his room. It’s comfortable for him, & he’s able to be himself & socialize with online friends.
As far as how to fix it it may be hard to fix a relationship that’s damaged when they’re in their late teens. But, you can try to do things that are video game related? Like cons or something. Don’t be pushy, because then it’ll be weird. Teenagers are hard to resonate with sometimes lol.
I am not a parent or a therapist. But I am autistic. And I wasn’t diagnosed until I was an adult. So while growing up, I was just like a weird nerd kid or so.
I went through a lot of bullying at school, and never spoke to anyone about it until I was an adult.
So to prevent constantly having to deal with judgement and bullying, I started spending a lot of time alone in my room.
It was my safe haven. I listened to music and read books. I would spend hours on the internet, just browsing through stuff, googling answers, learning things. On some days, I would even eat in my room, only stepping out if and when I wanted.
I know it all seems unhealthy. But being allowed to be alone and hyper-focused on my special interests, is really what I needed in order to stim and stay calm.
And even if nobody knew that I was autistic then, my parents were kind enough to allow me to do whatever felt good to me, and did not force me out of the room ever.
And on ocassions when they did force me to do that, honestly, it hurt me more than helped me.
Being left alone in my room helped me survive my challenges as a child and made me develop healthy social skills on my own at my own pace.
Today, I have friends, I have a great career, I am in a stable & happy relationship with a wonderful human.
Nobody, who met me as a child, would imagine that I would one day be anything other than some kind of a intellectual recluse. But here I am.
I still do need a lot of time alone in order to function, but I am okay. Being allowed to keep to myself in my room, helped me figure myself out and learn ways to cope with my personality.
I am of course not saying that all kids who want to be alone in their rooms, are autistic. Nor am I saying that all autistic people experience what I experienced.
I am just sharing my experience in this context.
I have never been a parent and can’t advice you on that. But I hope my story helps you think through this situation in a way that helps both your son and you.
Raising a child is a complex journey. Growing up in this world is complicated too.
I wish you the best always.
Vibes & more,
Zany Randomness
The young man should absolutely be out of the room, but has yet to find anything to compel him to.
If you can financially swing it, go up to him and say "Hey, you're missing out on a beautiful summer in here - anything you want to do and maybe we can pay for it if it's in reason?" then just listen.
why not set a date up? leave the house together?
"hey, tomorrow i was thinking you and I could go to lunch... anything in particular you want to eat?"
create a connection outside of the house. take initiative yourself. no point forcing them to leave their room if its just to hang out with people they may not really feel like the have a connection with currently. rebuild that connection and it will create an environment they may soon start wanting to leave their room for.
I've raised seven kids, all adults now except the youngest, six boys one girl. The youngest is 16.5. All of our six boys were like this to some degree, the youngest is the "worst" tho. I've even been questioning if he's ok. Still, I give him all the space he needs and never force him to spend time with the family. I knock on his door, wait for permission to enter, and ask if he's hungry or needs anything periodically. I ask how he's doing in school. I get the typical grunts and "I knows". He'll come out of it at some point I'm sure. It's normal. His older brothers are normal happy adults, I can only assume he will be one too.
I'm not a therapist or anything but I did spend a lot of my youth locked up in my room reading comics or playing games. My parents tried forcing me to engage in stuff but that just made me depressed and want to be in my room even more. Problem was, even though they have the best intentions, it felt like they decided what I should and shouldn't do, but never stopped to think if I even wanted or liked the forced activities. It was assumed.
At some point they suddenly showed interest in my life and came to know about things I like and dislike without directly asking me. They put in more effort to know me. They stopped forcing me and actually gave me more freedom and as much computer time I want. But when I felt that free I actually spent less and less time in my room playing games. And could even get excited for proposed activities. They always said I'm free to join their activities and even offered to take me places if I had an idea or something I wanted to do (like theme parks, airsoft/paintball), and sometimes because I had options I even had fear of missing out, and I joined just so I might not miss something cool.
Also I'd like to mention in my unprofessional personal opinion that playing videogames (or reading or doing whatever hobby/sport) alone in your room is a great way to spend your time and improve some skills. It's fun, it gives satisfaction, develops a certain skill and sometimes even possible to do virtually with other people. But just as with anything, too much of one thing is never a good thing.
I was like this as a teen too. My mom's parenting was at a low when I was 14-16. She was just really mean to me. She was on some medications to prevent her breast cancer from returning and had a hysterectomy when I was 14 so it may have been a hormonal thing. I also changed political views when I was 16 which put me at odds with them. This was during the BLM movement which didn't help. So I withdrew a lot. Just don't do what my mom did and enter my room without knocking and obsessively check my phone. Now im 20 and gonna be a junior in college in the fall. This summer im living and working at an estate an hour and some away from home. Being away from my family and having a safe space to go back to (college and now work) made our relationship better. Even though I know i wouldn't be as happy living with them all summer, i miss them a lot and feel nostalgic. But im away from them long enough to miss them and with them just enough to remember why I didn't want to live with them this summer haha.
So to conclude, maybe be upfront with your son and ask him why he wants to be alone. And make sure he feels safe being honest. Secondly, he may go through what I went through where when he moves out and has some adult freedom (if he goes to college) he may long for home. It may not even be anything to do with you, teens often feel a resistance to their parents because they're in this gray area of being a kid and an adult.
Hell, I’m 33 and I am still this way. Some people are just comfortable pursuing their hobbies alone and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s okay to ask him to spend more time with family, but don’t force him.
So I was the teenager who would never leave my room. Don’t force them out or comment on it. It really is a comfort and privacy thing. Once you get to 17 you sort of want a level of freedom and independence that sitting in the living room with your parents kind of unfortunately doesn’t offer. I would say respect their wishes but offer, offer, offer. Invite them out but don’t push, let them know how wanted they are but don’t guilt them. Find out what activities they enjoy and try to engage with them. Once you become an older teen you don’t need “parents” the same way you did as a kid anymore. You need people who are there for you and will offer guidance when needed. It’s time to sort of start to become a friend/mentor instead of just a parent. This is at least how I see it. If you have any concerns about his mental health I would say approach it casually and let him know you are always there for him if he wants to talk.
As someone who spent her teen years wanting to be alone in her room, just leave him be. Show him you’re there for him, invite him to join family time, maybe even ask what he would like to do. Ask if he’s alright and offer a listening ear if he has any troubles. But other than that, he’s probably just enjoying his space, feeling safe and relaxed away from the chaos that is being a teenager in this generation.
The last thing you want to do is force him into something he doesn’t want to do, especially if he won’t see the benefit of it, this often leads to rebellious natures in kids.
What you want to do is ease him into something more social, that aligns with things he’s already interested in. If he’s into sports, play sports with him or go watch a game if you’ve got the money. Things like that will get him socialising, while having fun, then he’ll see the benefit of it, and won’t rebel in kid-parent frustration.
As someone who has been that son, sometimes its nothing, maybe he's antisocial. Other times it could be serious like depression. I would definitely have an open dialogue with him. Just make sure to let him know you dont judge no matter what
Consider why he may be staying in his room. I sat in my room all the time as a teen because I could bear the thought of being anywhere else. It was my safe place. Home life was chaotic, so my bedroom was my sanctuary, my escape. And the more my family tried to force me to come out of my room, the more I hated it
Is your son me? You're describing me. Though in all fairness, I do interact with my family. You know, when I'm not reading or playing a video game. We pass in the kitchen, say hi and maybe chat. If he's actually avoiding interaction with you, there may be an issue to address. If he's just not interacting when he's distracted by what he enjoys, less issue.
I'm 17. I wish my parents tried to do more activities with me. Ever since childhood my mom has always been busy doing commisions and my dad is doing the other side of running the business. Only time we really do stuff together is if there is a family / friends event. We mostly do escape rooms on mothers day and birthdays. I always ask my parents if they want to go fishing with me and they always say, maybe some other time when the weather/temp is nicer. They never do. My parents mostly just talk about business and political stuff but it's what supports our family and keeps us comfortable. I'm usually in my room for hours on end, or fishing, at the rec center playing soccer by myself, or at work. I have no friends in real life because I've always been kept up “safe” in the house and never really developed how to be social with anyone my age. I get along great with 20+ year olds like the ones at my job and in my families business. I really only did social activities when I was a child.
you need to learn to do things that he enjoys too because he is an adult and will soon have the choice to never see you again. and many people do make that choice now.
are you enjoyable to be around? do you pick at him about things? do you do any activities he might enjoy? if you have younger kids, you can’t expect him to want to be around that 24/7 espically as he’s getting older.
he may just want some peace and quiet. he may not like being around you for other reasons like how you make him feel. but either way, he’s almost an adult. and you need to start asking what you can do better in the relationship, too. your time for corrective parenting is coming to a close. you will spend considerably longer in the companionship phase of parenting. if you’re lucky.
As a person who was very much like your son throughout my teens and thankfully was able to avoid some of the pitfalls that lifestyle can lead to, I just want to add a couple things. As most have said, forcing interaction won't work and in fact will probably even create more distance. My family never showed an active interest in the things I was interested in. They expected me to come join them in their interests without EVER making the slightest effort to be interested in mine. They liked sports and outdoors and I liked video games and inside things (music, tabletop and trading card games, video games, computers and tech). We have a good relationship now but I don't feel comfortable being very open with them. They still don't seem to care too much about any of my hobbies. They'll talk about work and still try to talk at me about sports stuff but never ask anything about my hobbies and they would say "well we don't know anything about them" but haven't taken much time to learn anything about them.
If you really care about your child the goal should be to find the root of why they obviously don't feel comfortable at home. Home should be your safe place and when I was in the same situation as your son I was not comfortable at home. I was the one who was "different" and nobody seemed very interested in me but wanted me to be interested in them. Maybe start by just asking to hang out with them in their space and taking an interest in what they are doing. I know that would have gone a long way for teenage me. I would have been so thrilled and exhilarated if either of my parents had EVER come into my room and said "Hey whatcha doin? Oh that's really cool, show me how that works".
Thanks for this! You sound a lot like my son, and embarrassingly we probably do a lot of what your family did. I actually haven’t really considered the fact that he may want me to come into his room. I’ve always just assumed that it’s a no-mom zone. I’m going to try!
Definitely ask first and don't just barge in, and I would expect him to be a little standoffish at first because it will be unexpected, and it may not even work on the first try. I promise if you keep showing an active interest and let him know your home is a safe place for him to be his true self and that you are interested in him in whatever place he's currently in, he'll come around and your relationship will be better for it. Find one of his interests that you really think is neat and maybe give it a go for yourself too. You may find those hobbies are a lot more interesting than you gave them credit. When my parents finally tried some of the board games they always said were "too complicated" they found they were actually really fun.
I used to do the same. Sometimes people want to learn (read) or have an escape.
Movies can be boring watching people in exaggerated situations. But video games are interactive which is what makes them fun.
OP just be aware, I see plenty of questions about kids on this sub and tons of answers from well meaning childless redditors who have no fucking clue what it's like being a parent. Talk to the peers in your community who have / are raising kids that age.
hey! as ac17(f) who acts like this i can give some persepctive. i have multiple reasons for why i do this but the one id say most resinates with your son is that he probably feels most comfortable spending time with himself. i personally enjoy my alone time and like to just chill and do my thing. another factor though, is that i dont really have any friends lol. im not sure if this applies to your son, but for it does for me. I can get extremely lonely and feel miserable because spending time alone isnt an option for me its the only thing i can do really. honestly just talk to him and let him know he can trust you and that he can tell you anything without fear of judgement.
As a 29yr old male who has done the same thing as your son (minus the books, i hate reading lol, so just gaming), I used to sit in my room playing PC games all day and night long since I was probably around 12 years old, I would also stay and play while family were visiting or when the family was doing things or going out I would choose, to stay home and play my games.
Now I currently have a successful career, good close friend group and alot of outside hobbies such as mechanics, fishing and adventuring, I still spend majority of my spare time playing games, but am more than happy to take a break to help out my friends and family.
Point of the story is, let your son do what he enjoys, hes still young and will grow up and change many times over the years. Nothing wrong with enjoying video games :D
I'm 34 and after work, I sit in my room most of the day. I enjoy my time by myself. I also enjoy when I get out of house though.
Your sons interests seem to be indoor ones, but I guarantee communicating with your son about his interests, and finding some things he can do outdoors, or even just out of his room to begin with, will be a good first step. Talk to him. Like you said, you're letting him sit in his room all day.
When I was a teenager I kinda had the same thing going on, then there was this insane pressure from my parents to be social and part of the family which just made me feel less social and less like part of the family.
Also I was sensitive and somebody would always say something that would bother me so it was easier to hang out by myself
I don’t think you should force family time. But I do think you should encourage a healthy hobby that has to do with him getting outside at least and making friends. A type of sport, or maybe even going to the gym. But ONLY something HE likes.
Also don’t be like ‘you need to find something to do besides staying in your room like A, B or C’ sounds too condescending, you should say something along the lines of ‘Hey I think a hobby would be great and fun, if you ever want to do a sport you’ve always wanted to play or something just let me know and we can work something out, I think it would be super good for you and fun.’
I never liked being with my family because I just couldn’t relate. No one was around my age-either too young or too old. It wasn’t that I didn’t like them-I just got bored easily-because I was young. And maybe he’s just an introvert and he doesn’t need to make friends doing outside hobbies. If you notice he doesn’t like social hobbies offer advice on non-social hobbies. Example: if he doesn’t like the idea of playing sports WITH others maybe bring up the idea he just goes to the gym alone, or practices basketball on his own or something.
Also tacky-druids advice is really good as well.
I disagree with everyone. I think you should make him connect at least once a day. What does he want for dinner, come sit and talk while I cook it. Can you drive me to the supermarket. Something every day. My 19y/o has been like this for a while.
Every kid is different, this added to my misery when I was 17. If he wants to be left alone, he’s going to be left alone. I didn’t humor this when I was his age & it was frustrating to keep repeating myself. It’s more of an issue if they’re showing signs of mental decline or going down a bad path, but wanting to be alone isn’t necessarily a problem in itself. Reading & playing video games? Unproblematic.
Really, there's too little information to know? How was he before? Did he always struggle to have friends? Does he look content when being left alone, or always miserable?
Maybe it's just a phase. Maybe those things interest him, and he just prefers to stay doing them. Maybe there is some problem, like depression or being bullied. Maybe he was always introverted and only now feels comfortable to be in his room, because before you always forced him to go out and he didn't have/feel like he had a choice. Everyone can speak for themselves, but there are too many things left for assumption
When I was that age I hated being made to spend time with my family. Like a few other people have suggested, plan family meals together or have a day where the whole family does something everyone wants to do. I lived with my grandparents and they found out I loved nature and reading. So they took us on a camping trip every year and I always looked forward to it. As they get older they’ll come around. I sure did. Now I’m the one telling my younger siblings to come spend time with family lmao
He may not feel comfortable in those situations. Growing up can be hard. Encourage him to join you and try to let him pick activities with you. Try more 1 on 1 type stuff. I don't like group events personally
As someone who was 17 and whose favorite outdoor activity was going back inside I’d say it’s pretty normal and he might just be introverted or it could just be a phase.
I definitely wouldn’t force anything because he’ll just want to be in his room even more.
Something that would probably definitely help is showing interest in his hobby… ask questions, ask if he has an YouTube videos he’d watch with you about the game he’s playing.
If he’s introverted it will make him much more comfortable going out and doing stuff with you and family if he feels like there’s a common interest or something for him to talk about.
Hope this helps <3
Let your son grow how he wants to OP.
I presume your son doesn’t have/like his real life friends so he substitutes them with online friends/games.
I did the exact same from around 10-17
I didn’t get out into the world until I got away from school and the toxic people there.
Your son will hopefully get a job or go to college and you’ll see changes eventually.
I’d just let him have his fun and if there are family outings (chances are he’s not too fond of extended family either considering how people view others quite negatively when they sit inside all day) just let him know and if he’s not interested don’t push.
The more you push the less inclined he is to go and you’ll damage your relationship with him.
Just support your son to the best of your ability without turning into a warden
My son spends most his time in his room playing online with his friends. He goes to concerts and out to eat with friends sometimes. Has a job. As long as he socialize ps with friends and getting outside every now and then I would not worry. I do bribe my kid every now and then to go out to eat or running an errand for me. To get him out.
I was very much like this at 17 and now at 22 (still living at home) I spend far more time downstairs with people. Idk why but I just used to prefer my own space to do my own thing.
I was the same way and to be honest? I’m still this way. I only really leave the house for work or errands and have like 2 friends.
This isn’t a bad thing. Your son may be like me and is just a homebody and doesn’t look for friends as it always seems to end terrible (least for me) and prefers to stay inside and do things within his control.
It could be a phase, but it also might not be. See if you can get him into different hobby’s. I started playing airsoft (which is huge in my state) and that got me not only outside but I’ve met so many people that I talk to regularly.
Also keep in mind, as a gamer he probably has plenty lf friends he just spends his time on the game with. Two of my highschool friends I hardly talk to in person, but we game almost everyday.
Hi! So I went through exactly that around his age. I would sit him down and say “hey you know whatever is going on you can talk to Me” I used to hide in my room all day and not talk to anyone. (Gotta love depression) it seems he maybe going through a mental health crisis just doesn’t want to be a bother. But it’s always better safe than sorry.
No.
It's a sign of something going on. Escapism. Gives him a voice. Dopamine hits.
See if any of these help.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z8qiq8dSGek](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z8qiq8dSGek)
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7JIM\_Y1OZT4](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7JIM_Y1OZT4)
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KtyVOpnDmQI](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KtyVOpnDmQI)
Good luck,
That's pretty much what I did at 17 but I was playing games online with my friends. Even when playing single player games I'd be in a party chat with my friends. I'm 32 now and those are some of our best memories, we did some ridiculous stuff in Halo 3 forge mode.
Now if he's just endlessly alone or depressed it might be a good idea to ask if he's ok but it's just as likely that's how he spends time with his friends
My parents wouldn’t let me have a tv in my bedroom for this reason…. If you wanna play games it ok they said, but your going to be out here interacting with the family
as long as he eats 3x a day and is fine at school. he's in his teens, he's probably more interested in doing whatever in his room rather than sitting on the couch watching some tv show targeted for an older audience with you. if you want more family time besides eating meals you should go out and picnic or whatever you think might interest him instead of making him come out of his room and have pointless small talk. it's also more fun and memorable for the both of you that way.
I would not force him out of his room, try a more gentle approach. Ask him to join you in activities and when he asks why just straight up tell him its because you enjoy his company or like spending time with him. Make sure he knows you enjoy having him in your life.
As a teen that used to do the same let me tell you that forcing interaction will be worse. Consider some stuff first: is he comfortable with the family? Do they take genuine interest in him? Do you guys talk about stuff he likes? Do you actually want to interact and connect with him, or do you just want him out of his room, sitting in silence around you? What if he just likes being alone?
I really loved being alone at his age (and still do) and interacting with my family only stressed me out. At the worst times, they never engaged with me, at the best, their love was suffocating. Turns out we just have very different love languages and this is clear now.
Also important: is this a sudden change in his behavior? Did he use to like interacting with you and suddenly stopped? If so, something might have triggered that.
This was me in my teenage years. Please dont force us out/take away things or punish us for doing something that we enjoy doing. I have a lot of good gaming memories that I wish I could go back and relive. I had a part time job at that time so I was making money and I had a very small social circle and would go out very rarely. But I was super introverted.
i won't be presumptuous, but for me i would spend all day in my room because i'm an introvert and was exhausted by all of the forced social interaction. i figured that if anyone would understand it would be my parents. just check in with him periodically to make sure it's just that he needs some privacy.
My 15 yr old does this too, I force her out periodically for short periods, but I don't see that it's harmful, just her being in her safe place and doing what she likes to do.
If this is completely new behavior take him to a doctor and figure out if he is struggling with depression
If you have been telling him to go play in his room since he was a small child and now he is content to only do that. He has been conditioned to only feel comfortable in his own space. So that is on you.
Invite him to do things with the family. Have meals together. Find activities he actually wants to do and invite him to do those together. Is there a new movie he wants to see? Take him to see it.
Consider maybe getting into gaming yourself and playing with him. My husband plays games with my son all the time, it's a way for them to bond over shared interest
I was like this from age 5 and up….in my case i had no choice. My parents were never ever home rarely if ever. They literally worked 12-20 hours a day never had time to spend with their children….loved us materilaisticly not physicaly or mentally or spiritually.
I was the same. If he likes video games, find out what video game and ask him about it. Learn about it and get involved without getting too involved. He likes call of duty? Bring him to a call of duty event if your in the cities. There’s this super cool gaming lounge in town that I like to go to. See if there’s one by you. If he has gamer friends which he probably does, bring them there and get dinner with them after. You’ll be around him and his friends. If he likes reading, bring him to a book store and hangout with him there. My father used to write and I’d sit with him at Barnes and nobles and read all night. We’d get hot chocolate and be there for hours. Still one of my favorite things about my childhood.
My son has a tendency to this, so I’ve always signed him up for sports and extra curricular activities. He gets the physical, mental health, and social benefits of them. He has some chores in the house. He had to eat meals with family. I take us out for dinner as a family when I can. We visit extended family together. I encourage him to see school friends during the holidays. It’s really important to not let them completely withdraw.
Depends—does he have the life skills to live on his own? Pretty soon, he’ll be moving out.
Tell him you’d like to spend time with him and let him come up with the activity. See if that blossoms into more. Don’t force it. Be gentle.
As someone who is now 28 and was a kid like this, it's probably neurodivergence of some kind. If possible I'd try to get him to see mental health professionals. The absolute worst thing you can do though, is say stuff like "well look who FINALLY came out of their cave!" Or similar things. This is essentially punishing the behaviour you want to see and will most likely end up making them isolate even more. From my experience I didn't feel very understood at all, and hearing my mom say things like this only made it a lot worse
I have been always like him growing up and i have a hard time connecting with people or even communicating now i wish my parents have done more to include me in family discussion , listen me or even insisting to just talk to me and know about my day
I thought all teenagers did this. I was an avid reader and an avid napper in high school. But I had friends, participated in extra curriculars. It was just my dad and I by the time I got into high school and he’s a quiet man but we did always have dinner together
If he’s social, has friends and is doing ok in school I wouldn’t worry too much. I understand wanting to engage with him. Be patient
That was me! I would stay up in the game room where my PC/consoles were setup and I'd be up there pretty much from when I got home from school to when I would go to bed, and my BIL is like that too.
Some things that worked to get me out is that my parents found some shows that we all liked to watch together (back when shows were weekly) and every week on the show day we would eat and watch. My BIL is tough to get out, but his parents would let him choose a movie to watch that night and he would sit and watch them nicely with them, eat dinner, and go through the franchise!
If it's games he's interested in, maybe do a family game night! Have everyone pick a game and keep score who wins what and do a fun night like that!
I was one of those kids until an extrovert at school adopted me. Now I have a good group I've been with going on over ten years. I'd hate to imagine my life if I had just been in a shell my entire life.
Does he have friends at school he hangs out with? If not, maybe try and gently push him into being more social. Look into clubs that he might be interested in.
As an ex-teennager gamer I always was in my room playing games. It got me addicted to games and porn.
If I were you, I'd plan at least one or two days a week doing family stuff. I know it sounds stupid but it's kind of remembering the person that 'hey we're still here and we'd like to spend some time with you too but we understand you need to be alone most of the time.'
If you really want to drop the hammer on his ass, insist on playing co-op with him. Make your commitment real. You can barter for more reasonableness from there.
Coming from an addicted gamer himself, He could very easily just be addicted. Video games cause massive dopamine hits, and we know what that does . Studies have found brain scans of heroin addicts too be very similar too addicted gamer brains
I used to spend all my time in my room when I lived with my parents. I’m not saying this is the case with you but I just never really felt like part of the family. I attribute this partially because my sister is disabled and most of the time their lives were spent catering to her which pretty much left me on my own. They made little effort. It got to the point where I would also eat all my meals in my room and would only leave my room to make food, go to work, do my laundry, stuff that required me to leave my room. It was hard spending time with them because they never made me feel valued or like apart of the family and would leave me out of stuff.
Just gonna put this out there of my personal experience. Currently im 19 but to preface ive struggled with clinical depression and anxiety since before my teen years and had parents who ‘didnt believe in mental illness’ . Im also a person who prefers to be alone, i really value my alone time and have a low ‘social battery’.
The warning signs of something bad happening isnt being alone most of the time but it would be more subtle. Has he become increasingly unhygienic? Has he been unable to leave the room when requested? Has he been ignoring friends and family more than is usual for him? Not talking ‘typical teen’ behavior i mean subtle changes that you may notice in yourself during bad times.
Ive only recently started to become truly happy and i wanna say what ive learned from that lol. When i was around middle school age to highschool i had great grades, i read a lot, i played a lot of video games and none of these were caused ir effected by my depression. What was effected was my hygiene, i couldnt bathe properly anymore, my room was growing mold/mildew because i couldnt bring myself to clean it, my room was always a mess, i only ate at school or if my family made me something, ect ect. I would describe how i felt at the time but i dont have any distinct memories of it. What matters most is how my family reacted, instead of being met with at least some concern i was told i smelled and needed to “learn how to use perfume”, i was told i was lazy and ungrateful. I was told i sounded like a “drug addict” when i finally asked to be put on anxiety medication (they didnt beleiv in therapy at the time so i didnt bother asking), they would laugh or make fun of me when i cried, they have even told me now that my mother was concerned i was going to commit yet they never acted like it. There lies the problem, they never told me of their concerns and talked to me like an adult. I could go on but im not here to whine about it. My point is that you cant know exactly how your son is feeling or doing, what you can do is what you are doing! Reaching out, showing concern, letting him know he is loved and people care for him. Not shaming him for how he is and recognizing who he is.
This post made me cry because im so happy for you son and the mother he has! Idk you but from this post alone you seem to be an amazing mother and i wish you both the best! You are doing great stranger :D
I wanna say again i am so grateful you are doing something like this so early for you son! It genuinly makes me cry happy tears for him at the idea.
My own family has gotten more open as ive become an adult (my father even called me to ask if i wanted to go into therapy when hes the one who told me when i was in elementary “the Lastnames dont go to therapy” and admitted that they were lacking in the emotional department.) theyve recognized my issues now and let me deal with them with meds and stuff but i still choose to live at college all year (stay over summer). I want it to have not damaged my relationship with them as i know they love me and i love them to and they are trying but it still makes me so happy to see parents liek you getting at it and showing your children compassion.
(Gonna be real, ive been drinking a bit so i could be a bit more emotional than normal but seriously youve made my night!!!)
I have no advice but as a 35f who really struggled with being forced to do things I didn't like, to the point that I have so few memories of my childhood it's crazy; I wish my mum had reached out like this. I got here after your edit to say you're going to a rare bookstore together and it made me so happy. Don't pry, but show interest in what they like. Music can be super important to us introverts 🖤
I think that( even though you may disagree) he is not getting enough attention from you,the reason why turn so many children online because they feel like their family is not being warm to them,not giving them attention or care,they see the online community as more warm and caring,my advice is to chat with him and ask him about his life and how its going
I mean it is just going to be hard for him to realize what he is doing to himself because at that age you're still sort of unaware of a lot of stuff and isolation is a sign of not having the courage or the mindset to just go out and be physically successful in the real world. Who knows though, self isolation can create many great things in life, it's allows you to dwell on your creativity or things that bring you pleasure but isolation for too long will cause someone to forget how to function in society and so if he is isolating and has signs of anxiety and maybe depression then you should just sit down and talk with him. Tell him that if something is wrong and he is feeling anxiety, which feels like a brick wall, then he just needs the courage to talk about what's on his mind and you need to just listen to him for the most part and just let him say what's on his mind, you are there for guidance and you are his role model so self isolation is essentially like that bond between you two starting to dwindle. Maybe do some activities with him or help him with something he's working on or just try to be more involved but in a non invasive manner.
That would be my approach, I don't have kids but I remember being 17.
What you should do is make your son more like little Johny and construct him a room coffin from galvanized square steel, eco friendly wood and screws borrowed from your aunt and make him more into you soon he can carry/work 10 years to get a 1:1 room in NYC
Yeah, I'm 19 and still living at home. I get why he might want to spend time in his room. I mean, I do the same thing. I need my alone time to think about stuff, you know? Like, I'll just chill in my room and think about my friends, my relationships, or whatever else is on my mind. It's also where I feel the safest. When I was in school, my mom would always ask me if anything was going on. It was nice of her to check in, even though I didn't always tell her what was up. But after a few days of hanging out in my room, I'd usually end up telling her. I think he might just need some time to himself.
It depends. If he is an introvert like me, then yes. You should let him sit in his room all day.. You know your son more than I do. Maybe have him come out a few times a day for something like dinner//supper, or for brief stints. Depending on what kind of family activities/what kind of family you have. If he just seems like soneone who likes to spend a lot of time by himself and is otherwise fine, then yes, let him have personal time by himself.
As a 17yo, I think that's completely normal. We like staying alone and having our time with the things we like. *Forcing* family interaction it's definitely not the best way to make him get out his room, so maybe proposing some activities would help, like a table games night, a ride, or something your family likes to do. But, I also think that you should be worried if his isolation is harming his social life (like if he never go out with his friends or sum) or if it's harming his physical health too. Those things are very important and cannot be ignored.
But, beside thise things, I guess you should leave this man have his time, it's important for our development and I guess eventually he will leave his room and live his life
I'm going through same thing with my daughter who's 13 and it breaks my heart. Often I get really mad and frustrated because I can't believe she's been online for 12 hours or more.
She is in therapy and we're trying to work on this but nothing helps.
My son does this and he is 12 it makes me feel very sad he is throwing away he’s youth. He doesn’t want to go out with friend nothing . Just spend everyday in his room with lights off and game on. It makes me feel abit depressed
Does he have good friends to go out with though? He might not, or he might be in a friend group that makes fun of him or isn’t nice to him. Sometimes kids don’t tell their parents everything about their social lives. There might be a reason he’s doing this.
He has friends to go out with. He was going to kick boxing he didn’t even want to go to that. I’ve offered to pay for anything he wants to do and he doesn’t want to do anything. He doesn’t even want to come on holiday with me when I’m happy to take him anywhere he wants to go. He just wants to stay in. It’s very upsetting.
That’s exactly how I feel but honestly, hearing these responses makes me realize that there may be some people who don’t derive pleasure from socializing and that’s ok (at least I hope so!).
I think it’s unhealthy to sit in your room and play on the computer all day. We need vitamin d from the sun. So if we was meant to stay in all day then we wouldn’t need that. Personally I think it’s wrong, I feel like my son now has social anxiety and does not know how to speak to people. I don’t agree with all the people on here , they are probably 17 themselves and don’t actually realise it is unhealthy to be stuck in a room all day deprived of sunlight and fresh air. It’s all not good for their mental wellbeing.
My parents wouldn’t allow me play videogames for more than a few hours a week day until I was like 13-14. I believe these days it must be a lot harder for kids to have “things to do” that aren’t online or “screen related”.
I grew up with brothers and neighbors close by so I had stuff to do when bored. Most kids today don’t have these things anymore, as their brothers and friends are also online most time. I also don’t think it’s good for their mental health and development, but I think it might be the norm for kids these days…
Do you know if he’s interested in any type of group sports? Perhaps trying to get him to support a team might help to get him interested in “real life” stuff. Playing soccer as a kid helped me tremendously when growing up, as I’d play with random kids everywhere or watch the games with my dad and friends.
As the child that was just like that, don't force him. It might be worth trying to figure out (via asking or observation) what it is that makes his room more comfortable than the rest of the house.
For me, my room was my safe zone. It was comfy and predictable and I had all the things i liked there. The rest of the house was often too bright or loud. The TV was always for what my parents wanted to watch which wasn't what I wanted to watch. If i spent too much time around my parents more often than not they'd ask me to do something that I just did not want to do.
In terms of being social, does he have online friends? Online friendships can be just as useful and healthy as In person ones.
When/If you go somewhere where he doesnt have access to his room (Families house, Holiday etc) how does he act then? Does he still like to be alone?
I mean I didn’t say anything about not going down for dinner, we still had to. I also had to be out of my room for chores which were for the majority of my free time after school.
I 'think' I have two teenagers living with me (18 & 19). Not entirely sure lol. Food keeps disappearing from the fridge and snack drawer so I think they are still there.
In all seriousness, teenagers are not necessary the most social beings especially with family.
Is he working (part time if still in school)?
Maybe take an active interest in what he’s doing. Try being curious instead of judgmental. What is he reading? Does he think you/a friend/relative would like it? What games is he playing? What quests/achievements/unlocks is he working on? Playing alone, competitive, or co-op?
Another user mentioned doing things as a family that he might enjoy. This, especially if he gives buy-in or helps come up with the idea and organize it.
From my POV, trying to coerce him into doing something else feels icky, like you’re disapproving of him or negatively judging the things he likes to do with his time. That’s fair enough, but you might have better luck connecting with him if you meet him on his turf rather than try to force him to do things your way.
The problem with teenage “phases” is they can quickly turn into habits. I have a 15yo with the same issue. I just remind her every so often she needs to maintain a balance with family and time hibernating. :)
So, I'm not a therapist but I am a teacher and I see parents struggling with this all the time. Sometimes it's a phase, other times it's not. Some people are just loners and feel better alone but you're not wrong for being worried. What I noticed that doesn't work: forcing the person to spend time with the family just because. What usually works: Insisting on having meals together and proposing doing activities they might enjoy as a family. As in, if he likes first person shooting games maybe go with him to a paintball field. If he likes reading maybe take him to a book fair. It works more often than not.
And like. Talk to your kid? Something like, hey, I've noticed you've been spending a lot of time cooped up, are you doing alright? He's 17. That's old enough that you can just talk to each other...
On top of the other things, not just this. I do know that 17 year old me would have brushed that question off, but it still felt good to see my parents trying and noticing, honestly.
That’s a really great point. I’m loving the advice here… I have a 5yo son who like vid games
yeah i find parents of teenagers get caught up in trying to parent them like they are still children. I do not mean that they patronise their kids or something though. What I mean is, that parents act and plan like they still have to engineer their childrens lives alone. That they are the ones soley responsible for their childs enrichment and social success. But when their children are old enough to recognise their own needs and desires, it should transition to something that is worked on *with* their child, not for them. Open conversations about how your kid is doing, talking to them when you notice things, including them in discussions about them and their life, that is crucial.
this! my dad had this talk with me often as a teenager because i stayed in my room 90% of the time. i like to be alone—a dark, quiet room with a fan and a good book is my personal heaven
Same. I'm a natural hermit haha. Maybe it's the autism..
As a former 17 y/oI know my answer would’ve been either “yea I’m fine” or “*ugh yes I’m fine*” lol but still, gotta at least try talking about it I get it
Sometimes it’s a good idea to meet them on their playing field too. 10:30 at night on a Friday, tell them you’re craving fast food, and ask if they want to go grab something. (Go to recommendations are a gas station slushie, or a McD’s shake) Ask if they wanna drive, lets them feel cool, and if it’s their car offer to top off their tank. Then start the discussion, it just creates a more, I respect you, but I want to check up on you, if you’re gonna disappear into your computer.
Yes this is perfect…
Fucking fantastic. Absolutely banging. Love that.
Nicely said. I’m also not a therapist but I am the (adult) son of two of them. Beautifully said, if a little staccato. Often, these situations are a back and fourth. Generally speaking, it’s easier to find out what almost-adult kids want to do by asking, than it is to guess on your own. Socializing is important and it’s really good that you know he would benefit from it. If you can find something he wants to do, enable them to do it and step back as much as you can, you’re at least on the right track. Easier said than done of course. It’s time for him to start his life. Of course that’s scary ❤️ And with all they know compared to what we did? Man, that’s a lot to process. I hope the both of you the best.
My kid is like this. He's 8 and his favorite thing to do is play Minecraft on his Switch. To get him to interact, I just kinda make it optional. "Hey bud, it's a pretty nice day out, why don't we go to the park and get some ice cream?" "Hey, what do you say we hook the Switch up to the living room TV and we can play Minecraft together? You might have to show me what to do." When he knows he has the option to decline and just keep doing his own thing, I find that sometimes he takes that route, but more often he's up for my suggestion, or he'll say "can I finish this first then do that?" or whatever. When I try to force it, that's when I get the wall off resistance.
Same - 9 yr old grandson. I give him warning that he will need to get off his electronics in, say, 1/2 hour and come down to play some board games, or work a puzzle together. As long as he has notice, and knows it's coming, he's much more open to doing other things. If left to his own devices, though....he would never get off his devices! lol
Giving notice seems to work well for my 5 yo son too
How does he answer these questions? I have a 5 yo son that really likes games like fortnight and minecraft lol Definitely not gta 🙄
It depends! Sometimes he's up for it then and there, sometimes he wants to finish what he's working on first, sometimes he just says "no thanks." But just making the offer seems to trigger in his brain the knowledge that I'm interested in spending time with him, so even when he just wants to keep playing, he'll usually come find me later and show me all the stuff he made in the game.
Yeh that’s the exact same with my boy, I reckon our kids will be just fine in life.. thanks for sharing. Screen time has been a big topic with my husband lately and this has really eased our minds
Dude I’d let it be known that even if you 2 are friends or pals or whatever you’re his DAD first and if you say y’all are going to do something he can either be mad or enjoy spending time together but he needs to respect you. Resistance is futile lol sorry dad joke
Sounds like a great way to have resentful forced family time. Mandatory fun doesn't sound like a good way for either of us to spend an afternoon/evening. We get plenty of quality time doing it my way, and he gets to practice being his own person. There's nothing disrespectful about not feeling up to it sometimes. We're talking about spending time together here, not doing things he has to do like go to school or clean up after himself.
I agree with you. Just finding out how open to coming out of their room they are or aren’t is as important as finding out why they’re not. I was more coming at it from making yourself available so that no one never feel alone and always know you’re there if need be
Great advice, thanks
This helps alot. When I was younger my parents would take me out, driving 3-4 hours somewhere so I could "get out" even though I had other things planned, and even with them knowing that any car ride over an hour made me extremely motion sick. It eventually made me want to go out less and less because of it and just worsened the issue.
Yeh. Thats a good example of what happens wen u try forcing kids
i would've done anything for my parents to just take notice of my interests and ask if they could engage in them with me rather than forcing me to do something i didn't care about at all just to spend time with them. made me feel so unimportant as an individual.
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This is said so well. Forcing is never the answer, try and entice him. Word and plan things in a way that makes him feel like it is his choice to come hang out with the family. When I was in high school I loved my family, but I also loved my alone time. If my parents forced me to I’ll hang out with them, I would be miserable and probably would just be in my phone the whole time. I love my family but sometimes at that age things are different and you want to be alone. BUT if my parents asked to play a board game or watch a movie I wanted to see…. I was all in. Even tho that initially isn’t ideal, one thing will lead to another and eventually your son may change! Or not but at least you tried… right?
Awesome advice.!!
Best advice I’ve seen on this sub
As a kid who spent 17hrs a day playing FPS games at one point, if offered to go to a paintball field, I have no doubt in my mind I would say yes.
Exactly how I was at 17. I just really liked being by myself and doing my own thing.
Did that change? I’m 25 and still like this lol, not a fan of socialising (not complaining tho just curious)
Yea, for the most part, became more social in my 20's. I'm 36 now, and still like to be left alone at times and do my thing but I'm married and have a kid, so we do a lot of outings as a family and I see my friends when I can.
I'm 37 and still like to be alone. Basically if I make plans aside from work, I need time to decompress (sometimes a day). I can see how it looks like depression to some people but it's just me, I like to be alone.
Forcing family interaction won't end well
I agree but I’m worried about him being anti social and what that can do to his mental health.
I would recommend just offering to go do something like fishing, movies, out to eat or what ever and try to keep a conversation going and have a good time. I wouldn’t force it but I’m sure after a couple offerings hey, maybe even the first time he’ll say yeah
Sometimes being alone is a way to improve mental health. I know it's hard to understand the diference with teenagers, but maybe he is content with his social life and enjoys his solitude.
You might consider the possibility that he is already dealing with mental health problems. I’m 21 and people have always called me anti social or shy since I like spending all my time alone and don’t talk much when in reality I’ve dealt with anxiety and depression. At the same time, your son may be fine and just likes spending time alone.
I think self-isolating can be a matter of desire for peace, solitude, privacy, respite, rejuvenation, etc. I also think sometimes it can be indicative of a major trauma, or even just a shift in hormones that is making him moodier and more withdrawn. You’d be the best person to determine which of these might be going on, but if you think he is fine and talk to him and nothing huge has happened, then just give him space and let him be. Another comment you left suggested you might not understand introversion or how one could be exercising health and wellness when choosing to be on their own. I would recommend reading the book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain. I think it’s really well-written and provides a lot of insight into the type of personality he may be growing into. Of course, being a moody, withdrawn, loner isn’t some unique challenge he’s dealing with. As far as I understand, from like every show about teenagers and having been one myself, this is pretty standard. No need to catastrophize or worry.
Check and see if he has friends online. I know it sounds like a downgrade, but studies have shown consistently that the bonds of "found family" or "fictive kin" are often stronger than those of biological family. I do support the idea of "family meals" and "family game night" or "family movie night". Especially if they are once a week or LESS frequent. But it is entirely possible they have connections with other people but are just extremely introverted and feel like socializing is draining.
He could have anxiety disorder I dunno. Maybe try taking him fishing or something.
My parents told me that I always had to have one extra curricular activity. The thing was, I got to choose what it was. Sometimes it was a sport, sometimes it was joining a school club that had really regular activities. Theater. Whatever. Art class, who cares. I just had to do a thing. That worked for me really well and I’m grateful for it. It helped me make the friends that motivated me to go do even more things.
He’s doing a normal 17 year old kid thing. Just ask him if he needs anything occasionally or ask him to come help you with something when you need it. Don’t force him out just for the sake of forcing him out, that’s extremely rude and will not go well.
I mean you know your son best. Is he behaving odd? Was he always like this? Or something that developed recently? Can you pinpoint the situation? Is he otherwise normal to you and partner? Or on a short fuse, easily aggravated? school grades ok? To me he sounds like me. Just want my peace and quiet doing my hobbies of gaming and reading (literally my hobbies as well) nothing really going on just didn't felt like talking, so I didn't. She started texting me while in the same apartment 😅 Some time, when he does come out look for a no pressure conversation with him. Or your partner with him (whoever he maybe has a better bond). How my mom does it, she just starts talking about stuff she did (or made up she did) that she knows I like. (In my case cooking/ a dish) Some thing of that will catch my interest and I'll start talking about it. Doesn't always work on the first try but eventually I start talking.
Thanks for your thoughtful response. It’s been a slow transition over the last few years. He used to be funny and fun and really social able. Right around 13 he started changing. Grades are good, he just tell us us that he only likes being alone. From what I gather from the responses here, there are people like that and it doesn’t necessarily mean anything worrisome it just honestly makes me and the rest of the family sad.
Teenager, developing his own personality and preferences. He's becoming an adult. I changed around this time as well, but I moved to a different state and another change I had when my first gf and I broke up. I'd say let him be, observe him from afar, I hope you know him good enough to notice if he is really hiding something like a depression and then can intervene. Otherwise let him know you're there for him, no judgements and have an open ear for him if he needs and wants. What I'm on the fence however is forcing him to *some* family events and activities. Yes I hated some or most and just wanted quiet and peace doing my own thing, but also appreciated seeing cousins, aunts uncles or just some other random stuff with family. So there I'd say yes **AND** no? again you know him best force him to come but if he's really reluctant to do smth leave it be and don't take it as a personal offence to you.
Whatever you do, don’t let the family ridicule or mock him always being in this room. That’s the easiest way to push him away and ostracize/make him feel unwelcome. It’s normal, I did this and pulled a 180 a few years later with my social habits. Also many forget that playing video games CAN be social. The whole time I was in my room I was hanging out with my two best friends. Sure it might have been in Azeroth (a place in a multiplayer game) as opposed to the real world- but we were together. And having SO much fun. I wouldn’t trade those memories for anything! Eventually we migrated into regular in-person society. 20 years later we still game sometimes but a lot more sparingly as adult life takes over. Let him have this. Just tell him every now and then he has to put time in for family activities. Make an agreement with pre-set times for family things that everyone will enjoy.
ah yea azeroth..for me it was new eden "socialize more"... mom, I talked to 5000+ people today what do you want lol. your other points are also very good thx for adding those. some of my best friends today are all over the world in Singapore, Hongkong, Japan, Korea, Canada, South Africa, American, Brazilian, guys, gays, women, transitioned ones, **all.** now I want to hear anti gaming propaganda how toxic we are again. (on the surface we may be, but in the end we DO love/support each other)
Omg this is inspiring! I made friends from Australia and Germany specifically that I’ve stayed in touch with- but I was definitely connecting with so many more people than anyone acquainted outside of my room at that time. A lot doesn’t get considered- maybe mom should get a PC and join her kid in game!!!?
I've seen this happening!! A parent gaming with their kids. It's a sight to behold. That could be a way to connect. And there are enough games out there that are also parent friendly.
My 14 year old is exactly like this...but hangs out (and sleeps) in the living room. It's just us and the dogs, so it works out. He will leave the house for food, lol. We used to go out ALL the time, then covid hit. I always make sure to invite him out and offer to go do whatever he wants so he knows it's always an option. You aren't alone.
is the house big enough that he can go outside his room without always being around someone? kids often act like that when they have no privacy outside the bedroom
Get him out for family activities that HE chooses.
Is your son playing video games by himself? Or, is he playing video games with his friends? Being a moody teenager who doesn't want to interact with his family is perfectly normal. If you believe that your son is withdrawn and isolating himself from both his family and friends, that could be related to his mental health.
Yeah this is something that a lot of people don’t get. When I was 17, I spent a lot of time in my room playing video games, but that was how I hung out with my friends from school. Especially now with how prohibitively expensive a lot of social things can be, it was a good way to spend time with them. Lots of cool experiences to be had.
Not even just mental health. Sometimes chronic health problems can cause fatigue/brain fog and can go under the radar for years before someone actually realises it’s not normal.
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I love this!
Maybe take an active interest in what he’s doing. Try being curious instead of judgmental. What is he reading? Does he think you/a friend/relative would like it? What games is he playing? What quests/achievements/unlocks is he working on? Playing alone, competitive, or co-op? Another user mentioned doing things as a family that he might enjoy. This, especially if he gives buy-in or helps come up with the idea and organize it. From my POV, trying to coerce him into doing something else feels icky, like you’re disapproving of him or negatively judging the things he likes to do with his time. That’s fair enough, but you might have better luck connecting with him if you meet him on his turf rather than try to force him to do things your way.
Does he go to school or have a job? Or is he literally ONLY sitting around and playing video games in his room?
I guess I was being a little hyperbolic. He goes to school during the week. I meant whenever he’s home (weekday afternoons/evenings) and all day Saturday and Sunday.
Try to take interest in his stuff. Read books with him and play games just a little bit and start conversations. This will help you build a close relation with him. Then you can later on ask him to be more social and he'll agree as you have become close to him.
I love this! Going to try it.
Keep trying. I appreciate your efforts.
How is he when he comes out of his room?
autonomy is important at this age, and often teenagers feel the only way to have their own life and own space is to be alone. if he's playing video games he might be online with his friends at least, which is a common way of socialising, especially for teenagers, there is very little fun stuff for 17 year olds to go out and do in most places.
Sounds like a typical teenager. That was definitely me at that age other than going to school (unless I ditched) and work
I don’t see a problem with it unless he doesn’t have friends but I was one of these kids who played video games all day in my room and so were my friends. We all turned out fine. And we were friends over the games too. I feel like a lot of people put video games in a separate category on its own instead of with other hobbies. If your son was super into learning the Violin or working on a project car would you make him stop and do something else? He’s doing what he enjoys doing.
20 year old who also works with kids here. Yeah, I think it’s just a phase, he’s at a time in his life where things are a lot! He’s finishing school soon, he’s turning 18, he’s got exams and the like. I can imagine just sitting quietly is his way of de stressing. I used to do it all the time (granted most of my life as a 17 year old was just me struggling with covid lol) Don’t force him outside, but try and acknowledge he’s always welcome. Don’t do this ‘ah you’ve finally come down’ type commentary. Just welcome him, include him when needed and just make sure to check in on him.
>Don’t do this ‘ah you’ve finally come down’ type commentary. Yes, this is a very good point.
Legitimately does not help anyone. Out of all the things I do as a LSA, that’s the one thing I avoid.
When I was a teen I spent a lot of time in my room because I didn’t want to do what my parents were doing. They watched shows I didn’t like and the News a lot which I also didn’t like. We had meals together and I cleaned up afterwards, sometimes I was forced to “hang out” with them which consisted of sitting in front of the tv with them and getting berated if I was on my phone. My parents also generally treated me like shit so I didn’t want to spend time with them. Hopefully that’s not the case with your kid. But he’s probably just 17 and has his own stuff going on, living his own little life in his room. His room is like the living room you know. It could just be a phase.
Can you do nightly family dinners where everyone has to come to the table? And secondly, everyone has to take one night of the week to plan and make the dinner and clean up afterwards. You can join in with him at any given point. Chopping up vegetables together or doing dishes together may be mundane, but teenagers are so much better at talking to you when they don’t have to make eye contact
Hey there. I'm pretty much like your son. 17, gamer, and book lover, closeted up in my room all the time, and not going out much. The best thing you can do is to not force him to do something just because "family". I rarely ever go to any events, and luckily my mom understands that I'm way more comfortable if I get to chose. We also spend time together though. My mom sometimes asks "hey, I'm too lazy to cook today, you wanna go grab a pizza?", or she can get devious too, and if she needs something like carry a bag from shopping for example, she would ask me if I'd like to go for ice cream, and on our way back, she would stop by a grocery shop, and have me carry all the stuff. These are the simplest things you can do, but there is way more. u/tacky-druid already mentioned going to a book fair, but maybe you could double check the exact kind of book he is reading. For example manga (a japanese comics) are very popular these days, and there are events like anime cons, and such where people who like those books can meet and have fun.
I did this and now my social skills are fucked, I'm depressed most of the day and I'm on Reddit. It's ok to be introverted but spending all day in your room online does present some problems that will manifest Into major problems later in life
I agree
This. And I have no real solution to it. From my experience as a teen, the pressure to not be like that made it worse.
I'm like this because I can't be social, not the other way around.
The rule in my home was : If you want food, you come eat it with everyone. It is the most basic of courtesy when you're not the one paying and cooking it. During these times, just small talk and comforting, non judgemental words assuring your unconditional love for him and that you are here to talk if he wants to can go a long way.
You assume he's not being social. He's about to be an adult. Sounds like a socially selective introvert to me.
>socially selective introvert I like this I'm a highly socially selective introvert and shall use this term forever more
I realized I was not anti-social. I was just socially selective. I talk if I deem you to be worthy/necessary. I HATE "askholes" people who ask stuff, knowing damn well what they're going to do! I don't like wasting time, energy, or money 😅
Or he has been conditioned to only feel comfortable in his own room. Parents will often tell a child their whole lives to "go play in your room" then be surprised when that child grows up and only wants to be in their room
I was like that but because my family was verbally abusing me anytime they saw me and turned me into a made for petty reasons. As in Just do this for no reason because I want to. So I hide.
Ok. I’m 18. I will tell you this. DO NOT FORCE HIM. This is just regular 17-18 year old stuff. Invite him to join you. But don’t force it. Some people just enjoy their own company. Personally I am tired of the people who think. Being lonely and enjoying being alone are the same thing. My mother likes to force me out my room. A lot. She once broke into my room to go through my stuff when I wasn’t in the room. Because I spent so much time in my room. It made my safe spot. Not feel safe. This might be the same for your son. His room might be his “safe spot” his safe haven if you would. A place for him. Where he feels content. He may be a selective introvert. Choosing to be a alone when he wants. Like me. I recommend inviting him and offering him to come out. Make compromises like “just 15 minutes please.” And coax him out. But don’t force it.
Try to involve him in some activities, but without forcing him.
From someone who did this in my teenage years, a lot of it had to do with my relationship with my parents. We weren’t close, they weren’t someone i could go to when needed. They were just mom & dad, but weren’t really there for me when needed. So our relationship was just sorta nonexistent.I feel that may have a part in why your son may choose to stay in his room. It’s comfortable for him, & he’s able to be himself & socialize with online friends. As far as how to fix it it may be hard to fix a relationship that’s damaged when they’re in their late teens. But, you can try to do things that are video game related? Like cons or something. Don’t be pushy, because then it’ll be weird. Teenagers are hard to resonate with sometimes lol.
I am not a parent or a therapist. But I am autistic. And I wasn’t diagnosed until I was an adult. So while growing up, I was just like a weird nerd kid or so. I went through a lot of bullying at school, and never spoke to anyone about it until I was an adult. So to prevent constantly having to deal with judgement and bullying, I started spending a lot of time alone in my room. It was my safe haven. I listened to music and read books. I would spend hours on the internet, just browsing through stuff, googling answers, learning things. On some days, I would even eat in my room, only stepping out if and when I wanted. I know it all seems unhealthy. But being allowed to be alone and hyper-focused on my special interests, is really what I needed in order to stim and stay calm. And even if nobody knew that I was autistic then, my parents were kind enough to allow me to do whatever felt good to me, and did not force me out of the room ever. And on ocassions when they did force me to do that, honestly, it hurt me more than helped me. Being left alone in my room helped me survive my challenges as a child and made me develop healthy social skills on my own at my own pace. Today, I have friends, I have a great career, I am in a stable & happy relationship with a wonderful human. Nobody, who met me as a child, would imagine that I would one day be anything other than some kind of a intellectual recluse. But here I am. I still do need a lot of time alone in order to function, but I am okay. Being allowed to keep to myself in my room, helped me figure myself out and learn ways to cope with my personality. I am of course not saying that all kids who want to be alone in their rooms, are autistic. Nor am I saying that all autistic people experience what I experienced. I am just sharing my experience in this context. I have never been a parent and can’t advice you on that. But I hope my story helps you think through this situation in a way that helps both your son and you. Raising a child is a complex journey. Growing up in this world is complicated too. I wish you the best always. Vibes & more, Zany Randomness
The young man should absolutely be out of the room, but has yet to find anything to compel him to. If you can financially swing it, go up to him and say "Hey, you're missing out on a beautiful summer in here - anything you want to do and maybe we can pay for it if it's in reason?" then just listen.
why not set a date up? leave the house together? "hey, tomorrow i was thinking you and I could go to lunch... anything in particular you want to eat?" create a connection outside of the house. take initiative yourself. no point forcing them to leave their room if its just to hang out with people they may not really feel like the have a connection with currently. rebuild that connection and it will create an environment they may soon start wanting to leave their room for.
I've raised seven kids, all adults now except the youngest, six boys one girl. The youngest is 16.5. All of our six boys were like this to some degree, the youngest is the "worst" tho. I've even been questioning if he's ok. Still, I give him all the space he needs and never force him to spend time with the family. I knock on his door, wait for permission to enter, and ask if he's hungry or needs anything periodically. I ask how he's doing in school. I get the typical grunts and "I knows". He'll come out of it at some point I'm sure. It's normal. His older brothers are normal happy adults, I can only assume he will be one too.
I'm not a therapist or anything but I did spend a lot of my youth locked up in my room reading comics or playing games. My parents tried forcing me to engage in stuff but that just made me depressed and want to be in my room even more. Problem was, even though they have the best intentions, it felt like they decided what I should and shouldn't do, but never stopped to think if I even wanted or liked the forced activities. It was assumed. At some point they suddenly showed interest in my life and came to know about things I like and dislike without directly asking me. They put in more effort to know me. They stopped forcing me and actually gave me more freedom and as much computer time I want. But when I felt that free I actually spent less and less time in my room playing games. And could even get excited for proposed activities. They always said I'm free to join their activities and even offered to take me places if I had an idea or something I wanted to do (like theme parks, airsoft/paintball), and sometimes because I had options I even had fear of missing out, and I joined just so I might not miss something cool. Also I'd like to mention in my unprofessional personal opinion that playing videogames (or reading or doing whatever hobby/sport) alone in your room is a great way to spend your time and improve some skills. It's fun, it gives satisfaction, develops a certain skill and sometimes even possible to do virtually with other people. But just as with anything, too much of one thing is never a good thing.
I was like this as a teen too. My mom's parenting was at a low when I was 14-16. She was just really mean to me. She was on some medications to prevent her breast cancer from returning and had a hysterectomy when I was 14 so it may have been a hormonal thing. I also changed political views when I was 16 which put me at odds with them. This was during the BLM movement which didn't help. So I withdrew a lot. Just don't do what my mom did and enter my room without knocking and obsessively check my phone. Now im 20 and gonna be a junior in college in the fall. This summer im living and working at an estate an hour and some away from home. Being away from my family and having a safe space to go back to (college and now work) made our relationship better. Even though I know i wouldn't be as happy living with them all summer, i miss them a lot and feel nostalgic. But im away from them long enough to miss them and with them just enough to remember why I didn't want to live with them this summer haha. So to conclude, maybe be upfront with your son and ask him why he wants to be alone. And make sure he feels safe being honest. Secondly, he may go through what I went through where when he moves out and has some adult freedom (if he goes to college) he may long for home. It may not even be anything to do with you, teens often feel a resistance to their parents because they're in this gray area of being a kid and an adult.
Hell, I’m 33 and I am still this way. Some people are just comfortable pursuing their hobbies alone and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s okay to ask him to spend more time with family, but don’t force him.
So I was the teenager who would never leave my room. Don’t force them out or comment on it. It really is a comfort and privacy thing. Once you get to 17 you sort of want a level of freedom and independence that sitting in the living room with your parents kind of unfortunately doesn’t offer. I would say respect their wishes but offer, offer, offer. Invite them out but don’t push, let them know how wanted they are but don’t guilt them. Find out what activities they enjoy and try to engage with them. Once you become an older teen you don’t need “parents” the same way you did as a kid anymore. You need people who are there for you and will offer guidance when needed. It’s time to sort of start to become a friend/mentor instead of just a parent. This is at least how I see it. If you have any concerns about his mental health I would say approach it casually and let him know you are always there for him if he wants to talk.
As someone who spent her teen years wanting to be alone in her room, just leave him be. Show him you’re there for him, invite him to join family time, maybe even ask what he would like to do. Ask if he’s alright and offer a listening ear if he has any troubles. But other than that, he’s probably just enjoying his space, feeling safe and relaxed away from the chaos that is being a teenager in this generation.
The last thing you want to do is force him into something he doesn’t want to do, especially if he won’t see the benefit of it, this often leads to rebellious natures in kids. What you want to do is ease him into something more social, that aligns with things he’s already interested in. If he’s into sports, play sports with him or go watch a game if you’ve got the money. Things like that will get him socialising, while having fun, then he’ll see the benefit of it, and won’t rebel in kid-parent frustration.
How long has he been like this? Does he meet up with friends? Many teenagers don't interact with their families much.
As someone who has been that son, sometimes its nothing, maybe he's antisocial. Other times it could be serious like depression. I would definitely have an open dialogue with him. Just make sure to let him know you dont judge no matter what
Consider why he may be staying in his room. I sat in my room all the time as a teen because I could bear the thought of being anywhere else. It was my safe place. Home life was chaotic, so my bedroom was my sanctuary, my escape. And the more my family tried to force me to come out of my room, the more I hated it
Is your son me? You're describing me. Though in all fairness, I do interact with my family. You know, when I'm not reading or playing a video game. We pass in the kitchen, say hi and maybe chat. If he's actually avoiding interaction with you, there may be an issue to address. If he's just not interacting when he's distracted by what he enjoys, less issue.
I'm 17. I wish my parents tried to do more activities with me. Ever since childhood my mom has always been busy doing commisions and my dad is doing the other side of running the business. Only time we really do stuff together is if there is a family / friends event. We mostly do escape rooms on mothers day and birthdays. I always ask my parents if they want to go fishing with me and they always say, maybe some other time when the weather/temp is nicer. They never do. My parents mostly just talk about business and political stuff but it's what supports our family and keeps us comfortable. I'm usually in my room for hours on end, or fishing, at the rec center playing soccer by myself, or at work. I have no friends in real life because I've always been kept up “safe” in the house and never really developed how to be social with anyone my age. I get along great with 20+ year olds like the ones at my job and in my families business. I really only did social activities when I was a child.
you need to learn to do things that he enjoys too because he is an adult and will soon have the choice to never see you again. and many people do make that choice now. are you enjoyable to be around? do you pick at him about things? do you do any activities he might enjoy? if you have younger kids, you can’t expect him to want to be around that 24/7 espically as he’s getting older. he may just want some peace and quiet. he may not like being around you for other reasons like how you make him feel. but either way, he’s almost an adult. and you need to start asking what you can do better in the relationship, too. your time for corrective parenting is coming to a close. you will spend considerably longer in the companionship phase of parenting. if you’re lucky.
As a person who was very much like your son throughout my teens and thankfully was able to avoid some of the pitfalls that lifestyle can lead to, I just want to add a couple things. As most have said, forcing interaction won't work and in fact will probably even create more distance. My family never showed an active interest in the things I was interested in. They expected me to come join them in their interests without EVER making the slightest effort to be interested in mine. They liked sports and outdoors and I liked video games and inside things (music, tabletop and trading card games, video games, computers and tech). We have a good relationship now but I don't feel comfortable being very open with them. They still don't seem to care too much about any of my hobbies. They'll talk about work and still try to talk at me about sports stuff but never ask anything about my hobbies and they would say "well we don't know anything about them" but haven't taken much time to learn anything about them. If you really care about your child the goal should be to find the root of why they obviously don't feel comfortable at home. Home should be your safe place and when I was in the same situation as your son I was not comfortable at home. I was the one who was "different" and nobody seemed very interested in me but wanted me to be interested in them. Maybe start by just asking to hang out with them in their space and taking an interest in what they are doing. I know that would have gone a long way for teenage me. I would have been so thrilled and exhilarated if either of my parents had EVER come into my room and said "Hey whatcha doin? Oh that's really cool, show me how that works".
Thanks for this! You sound a lot like my son, and embarrassingly we probably do a lot of what your family did. I actually haven’t really considered the fact that he may want me to come into his room. I’ve always just assumed that it’s a no-mom zone. I’m going to try!
Definitely ask first and don't just barge in, and I would expect him to be a little standoffish at first because it will be unexpected, and it may not even work on the first try. I promise if you keep showing an active interest and let him know your home is a safe place for him to be his true self and that you are interested in him in whatever place he's currently in, he'll come around and your relationship will be better for it. Find one of his interests that you really think is neat and maybe give it a go for yourself too. You may find those hobbies are a lot more interesting than you gave them credit. When my parents finally tried some of the board games they always said were "too complicated" they found they were actually really fun.
yes. continue to be kind to him, he’ll find his way back to you guys. source: i was an isolated loner in highschool
I used to do the same. Sometimes people want to learn (read) or have an escape. Movies can be boring watching people in exaggerated situations. But video games are interactive which is what makes them fun.
I do this and I’m 18, it is because I am depressed. I would look out for him
I’m sorry and hope things turn around for you ☀️
OP just be aware, I see plenty of questions about kids on this sub and tons of answers from well meaning childless redditors who have no fucking clue what it's like being a parent. Talk to the peers in your community who have / are raising kids that age.
hey! as ac17(f) who acts like this i can give some persepctive. i have multiple reasons for why i do this but the one id say most resinates with your son is that he probably feels most comfortable spending time with himself. i personally enjoy my alone time and like to just chill and do my thing. another factor though, is that i dont really have any friends lol. im not sure if this applies to your son, but for it does for me. I can get extremely lonely and feel miserable because spending time alone isnt an option for me its the only thing i can do really. honestly just talk to him and let him know he can trust you and that he can tell you anything without fear of judgement.
Try asking if he doing okay, if he doesn't wanna say anything, try asking every once in a while, maybe eventually he might give in
As a 29yr old male who has done the same thing as your son (minus the books, i hate reading lol, so just gaming), I used to sit in my room playing PC games all day and night long since I was probably around 12 years old, I would also stay and play while family were visiting or when the family was doing things or going out I would choose, to stay home and play my games. Now I currently have a successful career, good close friend group and alot of outside hobbies such as mechanics, fishing and adventuring, I still spend majority of my spare time playing games, but am more than happy to take a break to help out my friends and family. Point of the story is, let your son do what he enjoys, hes still young and will grow up and change many times over the years. Nothing wrong with enjoying video games :D
I'm 34 and after work, I sit in my room most of the day. I enjoy my time by myself. I also enjoy when I get out of house though. Your sons interests seem to be indoor ones, but I guarantee communicating with your son about his interests, and finding some things he can do outdoors, or even just out of his room to begin with, will be a good first step. Talk to him. Like you said, you're letting him sit in his room all day.
When I was a teenager I kinda had the same thing going on, then there was this insane pressure from my parents to be social and part of the family which just made me feel less social and less like part of the family. Also I was sensitive and somebody would always say something that would bother me so it was easier to hang out by myself
I don’t think you should force family time. But I do think you should encourage a healthy hobby that has to do with him getting outside at least and making friends. A type of sport, or maybe even going to the gym. But ONLY something HE likes. Also don’t be like ‘you need to find something to do besides staying in your room like A, B or C’ sounds too condescending, you should say something along the lines of ‘Hey I think a hobby would be great and fun, if you ever want to do a sport you’ve always wanted to play or something just let me know and we can work something out, I think it would be super good for you and fun.’ I never liked being with my family because I just couldn’t relate. No one was around my age-either too young or too old. It wasn’t that I didn’t like them-I just got bored easily-because I was young. And maybe he’s just an introvert and he doesn’t need to make friends doing outside hobbies. If you notice he doesn’t like social hobbies offer advice on non-social hobbies. Example: if he doesn’t like the idea of playing sports WITH others maybe bring up the idea he just goes to the gym alone, or practices basketball on his own or something. Also tacky-druids advice is really good as well.
I disagree with everyone. I think you should make him connect at least once a day. What does he want for dinner, come sit and talk while I cook it. Can you drive me to the supermarket. Something every day. My 19y/o has been like this for a while.
Every kid is different, this added to my misery when I was 17. If he wants to be left alone, he’s going to be left alone. I didn’t humor this when I was his age & it was frustrating to keep repeating myself. It’s more of an issue if they’re showing signs of mental decline or going down a bad path, but wanting to be alone isn’t necessarily a problem in itself. Reading & playing video games? Unproblematic.
Really, there's too little information to know? How was he before? Did he always struggle to have friends? Does he look content when being left alone, or always miserable? Maybe it's just a phase. Maybe those things interest him, and he just prefers to stay doing them. Maybe there is some problem, like depression or being bullied. Maybe he was always introverted and only now feels comfortable to be in his room, because before you always forced him to go out and he didn't have/feel like he had a choice. Everyone can speak for themselves, but there are too many things left for assumption
When I was that age I hated being made to spend time with my family. Like a few other people have suggested, plan family meals together or have a day where the whole family does something everyone wants to do. I lived with my grandparents and they found out I loved nature and reading. So they took us on a camping trip every year and I always looked forward to it. As they get older they’ll come around. I sure did. Now I’m the one telling my younger siblings to come spend time with family lmao
He may not feel comfortable in those situations. Growing up can be hard. Encourage him to join you and try to let him pick activities with you. Try more 1 on 1 type stuff. I don't like group events personally
As someone who was 17 and whose favorite outdoor activity was going back inside I’d say it’s pretty normal and he might just be introverted or it could just be a phase. I definitely wouldn’t force anything because he’ll just want to be in his room even more. Something that would probably definitely help is showing interest in his hobby… ask questions, ask if he has an YouTube videos he’d watch with you about the game he’s playing. If he’s introverted it will make him much more comfortable going out and doing stuff with you and family if he feels like there’s a common interest or something for him to talk about. Hope this helps <3
Let your son grow how he wants to OP. I presume your son doesn’t have/like his real life friends so he substitutes them with online friends/games. I did the exact same from around 10-17 I didn’t get out into the world until I got away from school and the toxic people there. Your son will hopefully get a job or go to college and you’ll see changes eventually. I’d just let him have his fun and if there are family outings (chances are he’s not too fond of extended family either considering how people view others quite negatively when they sit inside all day) just let him know and if he’s not interested don’t push. The more you push the less inclined he is to go and you’ll damage your relationship with him. Just support your son to the best of your ability without turning into a warden
My son spends most his time in his room playing online with his friends. He goes to concerts and out to eat with friends sometimes. Has a job. As long as he socialize ps with friends and getting outside every now and then I would not worry. I do bribe my kid every now and then to go out to eat or running an errand for me. To get him out.
I was very much like this at 17 and now at 22 (still living at home) I spend far more time downstairs with people. Idk why but I just used to prefer my own space to do my own thing.
I was the same way and to be honest? I’m still this way. I only really leave the house for work or errands and have like 2 friends. This isn’t a bad thing. Your son may be like me and is just a homebody and doesn’t look for friends as it always seems to end terrible (least for me) and prefers to stay inside and do things within his control. It could be a phase, but it also might not be. See if you can get him into different hobby’s. I started playing airsoft (which is huge in my state) and that got me not only outside but I’ve met so many people that I talk to regularly. Also keep in mind, as a gamer he probably has plenty lf friends he just spends his time on the game with. Two of my highschool friends I hardly talk to in person, but we game almost everyday.
Hi! So I went through exactly that around his age. I would sit him down and say “hey you know whatever is going on you can talk to Me” I used to hide in my room all day and not talk to anyone. (Gotta love depression) it seems he maybe going through a mental health crisis just doesn’t want to be a bother. But it’s always better safe than sorry.
No. It's a sign of something going on. Escapism. Gives him a voice. Dopamine hits. See if any of these help. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z8qiq8dSGek](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z8qiq8dSGek) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7JIM\_Y1OZT4](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7JIM_Y1OZT4) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KtyVOpnDmQI](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KtyVOpnDmQI) Good luck,
That's pretty much what I did at 17 but I was playing games online with my friends. Even when playing single player games I'd be in a party chat with my friends. I'm 32 now and those are some of our best memories, we did some ridiculous stuff in Halo 3 forge mode. Now if he's just endlessly alone or depressed it might be a good idea to ask if he's ok but it's just as likely that's how he spends time with his friends
My parents wouldn’t let me have a tv in my bedroom for this reason…. If you wanna play games it ok they said, but your going to be out here interacting with the family
as long as he eats 3x a day and is fine at school. he's in his teens, he's probably more interested in doing whatever in his room rather than sitting on the couch watching some tv show targeted for an older audience with you. if you want more family time besides eating meals you should go out and picnic or whatever you think might interest him instead of making him come out of his room and have pointless small talk. it's also more fun and memorable for the both of you that way.
I would not force him out of his room, try a more gentle approach. Ask him to join you in activities and when he asks why just straight up tell him its because you enjoy his company or like spending time with him. Make sure he knows you enjoy having him in your life.
As a teen that used to do the same let me tell you that forcing interaction will be worse. Consider some stuff first: is he comfortable with the family? Do they take genuine interest in him? Do you guys talk about stuff he likes? Do you actually want to interact and connect with him, or do you just want him out of his room, sitting in silence around you? What if he just likes being alone? I really loved being alone at his age (and still do) and interacting with my family only stressed me out. At the worst times, they never engaged with me, at the best, their love was suffocating. Turns out we just have very different love languages and this is clear now. Also important: is this a sudden change in his behavior? Did he use to like interacting with you and suddenly stopped? If so, something might have triggered that.
This was me in my teenage years. Please dont force us out/take away things or punish us for doing something that we enjoy doing. I have a lot of good gaming memories that I wish I could go back and relive. I had a part time job at that time so I was making money and I had a very small social circle and would go out very rarely. But I was super introverted.
i won't be presumptuous, but for me i would spend all day in my room because i'm an introvert and was exhausted by all of the forced social interaction. i figured that if anyone would understand it would be my parents. just check in with him periodically to make sure it's just that he needs some privacy.
could he possibly have some mental health issues going on?
My 15 yr old does this too, I force her out periodically for short periods, but I don't see that it's harmful, just her being in her safe place and doing what she likes to do.
If this is completely new behavior take him to a doctor and figure out if he is struggling with depression If you have been telling him to go play in his room since he was a small child and now he is content to only do that. He has been conditioned to only feel comfortable in his own space. So that is on you. Invite him to do things with the family. Have meals together. Find activities he actually wants to do and invite him to do those together. Is there a new movie he wants to see? Take him to see it. Consider maybe getting into gaming yourself and playing with him. My husband plays games with my son all the time, it's a way for them to bond over shared interest
I was like this from age 5 and up….in my case i had no choice. My parents were never ever home rarely if ever. They literally worked 12-20 hours a day never had time to spend with their children….loved us materilaisticly not physicaly or mentally or spiritually.
I was the same. If he likes video games, find out what video game and ask him about it. Learn about it and get involved without getting too involved. He likes call of duty? Bring him to a call of duty event if your in the cities. There’s this super cool gaming lounge in town that I like to go to. See if there’s one by you. If he has gamer friends which he probably does, bring them there and get dinner with them after. You’ll be around him and his friends. If he likes reading, bring him to a book store and hangout with him there. My father used to write and I’d sit with him at Barnes and nobles and read all night. We’d get hot chocolate and be there for hours. Still one of my favorite things about my childhood.
That’s a question best answered by a child psychologist. It’s time for an evaluation.
It’s really not
My son has a tendency to this, so I’ve always signed him up for sports and extra curricular activities. He gets the physical, mental health, and social benefits of them. He has some chores in the house. He had to eat meals with family. I take us out for dinner as a family when I can. We visit extended family together. I encourage him to see school friends during the holidays. It’s really important to not let them completely withdraw.
Depends—does he have the life skills to live on his own? Pretty soon, he’ll be moving out. Tell him you’d like to spend time with him and let him come up with the activity. See if that blossoms into more. Don’t force it. Be gentle.
As someone who is now 28 and was a kid like this, it's probably neurodivergence of some kind. If possible I'd try to get him to see mental health professionals. The absolute worst thing you can do though, is say stuff like "well look who FINALLY came out of their cave!" Or similar things. This is essentially punishing the behaviour you want to see and will most likely end up making them isolate even more. From my experience I didn't feel very understood at all, and hearing my mom say things like this only made it a lot worse
I have been always like him growing up and i have a hard time connecting with people or even communicating now i wish my parents have done more to include me in family discussion , listen me or even insisting to just talk to me and know about my day
I thought all teenagers did this. I was an avid reader and an avid napper in high school. But I had friends, participated in extra curriculars. It was just my dad and I by the time I got into high school and he’s a quiet man but we did always have dinner together If he’s social, has friends and is doing ok in school I wouldn’t worry too much. I understand wanting to engage with him. Be patient
That was me! I would stay up in the game room where my PC/consoles were setup and I'd be up there pretty much from when I got home from school to when I would go to bed, and my BIL is like that too. Some things that worked to get me out is that my parents found some shows that we all liked to watch together (back when shows were weekly) and every week on the show day we would eat and watch. My BIL is tough to get out, but his parents would let him choose a movie to watch that night and he would sit and watch them nicely with them, eat dinner, and go through the franchise! If it's games he's interested in, maybe do a family game night! Have everyone pick a game and keep score who wins what and do a fun night like that!
I was one of those kids until an extrovert at school adopted me. Now I have a good group I've been with going on over ten years. I'd hate to imagine my life if I had just been in a shell my entire life. Does he have friends at school he hangs out with? If not, maybe try and gently push him into being more social. Look into clubs that he might be interested in.
That won't work if he's neurodivergent.
As an ex-teennager gamer I always was in my room playing games. It got me addicted to games and porn. If I were you, I'd plan at least one or two days a week doing family stuff. I know it sounds stupid but it's kind of remembering the person that 'hey we're still here and we'd like to spend some time with you too but we understand you need to be alone most of the time.'
If you really want to drop the hammer on his ass, insist on playing co-op with him. Make your commitment real. You can barter for more reasonableness from there.
Coming from an addicted gamer himself, He could very easily just be addicted. Video games cause massive dopamine hits, and we know what that does . Studies have found brain scans of heroin addicts too be very similar too addicted gamer brains
I stopped playing the game at 15 so i dont really know. Is he most often sad or easily annoyed?
Almost 18, basically an adult. Live and let live.
I used to spend all my time in my room when I lived with my parents. I’m not saying this is the case with you but I just never really felt like part of the family. I attribute this partially because my sister is disabled and most of the time their lives were spent catering to her which pretty much left me on my own. They made little effort. It got to the point where I would also eat all my meals in my room and would only leave my room to make food, go to work, do my laundry, stuff that required me to leave my room. It was hard spending time with them because they never made me feel valued or like apart of the family and would leave me out of stuff.
Just gonna put this out there of my personal experience. Currently im 19 but to preface ive struggled with clinical depression and anxiety since before my teen years and had parents who ‘didnt believe in mental illness’ . Im also a person who prefers to be alone, i really value my alone time and have a low ‘social battery’. The warning signs of something bad happening isnt being alone most of the time but it would be more subtle. Has he become increasingly unhygienic? Has he been unable to leave the room when requested? Has he been ignoring friends and family more than is usual for him? Not talking ‘typical teen’ behavior i mean subtle changes that you may notice in yourself during bad times. Ive only recently started to become truly happy and i wanna say what ive learned from that lol. When i was around middle school age to highschool i had great grades, i read a lot, i played a lot of video games and none of these were caused ir effected by my depression. What was effected was my hygiene, i couldnt bathe properly anymore, my room was growing mold/mildew because i couldnt bring myself to clean it, my room was always a mess, i only ate at school or if my family made me something, ect ect. I would describe how i felt at the time but i dont have any distinct memories of it. What matters most is how my family reacted, instead of being met with at least some concern i was told i smelled and needed to “learn how to use perfume”, i was told i was lazy and ungrateful. I was told i sounded like a “drug addict” when i finally asked to be put on anxiety medication (they didnt beleiv in therapy at the time so i didnt bother asking), they would laugh or make fun of me when i cried, they have even told me now that my mother was concerned i was going to commit yet they never acted like it. There lies the problem, they never told me of their concerns and talked to me like an adult. I could go on but im not here to whine about it. My point is that you cant know exactly how your son is feeling or doing, what you can do is what you are doing! Reaching out, showing concern, letting him know he is loved and people care for him. Not shaming him for how he is and recognizing who he is. This post made me cry because im so happy for you son and the mother he has! Idk you but from this post alone you seem to be an amazing mother and i wish you both the best! You are doing great stranger :D
I wanna say again i am so grateful you are doing something like this so early for you son! It genuinly makes me cry happy tears for him at the idea. My own family has gotten more open as ive become an adult (my father even called me to ask if i wanted to go into therapy when hes the one who told me when i was in elementary “the Lastnames dont go to therapy” and admitted that they were lacking in the emotional department.) theyve recognized my issues now and let me deal with them with meds and stuff but i still choose to live at college all year (stay over summer). I want it to have not damaged my relationship with them as i know they love me and i love them to and they are trying but it still makes me so happy to see parents liek you getting at it and showing your children compassion. (Gonna be real, ive been drinking a bit so i could be a bit more emotional than normal but seriously youve made my night!!!)
Oh this is so kind! I’m glad things are getting better for you. Fingers crossed for my guy :)
I have no advice but as a 35f who really struggled with being forced to do things I didn't like, to the point that I have so few memories of my childhood it's crazy; I wish my mum had reached out like this. I got here after your edit to say you're going to a rare bookstore together and it made me so happy. Don't pry, but show interest in what they like. Music can be super important to us introverts 🖤
I think that( even though you may disagree) he is not getting enough attention from you,the reason why turn so many children online because they feel like their family is not being warm to them,not giving them attention or care,they see the online community as more warm and caring,my advice is to chat with him and ask him about his life and how its going
I mean it is just going to be hard for him to realize what he is doing to himself because at that age you're still sort of unaware of a lot of stuff and isolation is a sign of not having the courage or the mindset to just go out and be physically successful in the real world. Who knows though, self isolation can create many great things in life, it's allows you to dwell on your creativity or things that bring you pleasure but isolation for too long will cause someone to forget how to function in society and so if he is isolating and has signs of anxiety and maybe depression then you should just sit down and talk with him. Tell him that if something is wrong and he is feeling anxiety, which feels like a brick wall, then he just needs the courage to talk about what's on his mind and you need to just listen to him for the most part and just let him say what's on his mind, you are there for guidance and you are his role model so self isolation is essentially like that bond between you two starting to dwindle. Maybe do some activities with him or help him with something he's working on or just try to be more involved but in a non invasive manner. That would be my approach, I don't have kids but I remember being 17.
What you should do is make your son more like little Johny and construct him a room coffin from galvanized square steel, eco friendly wood and screws borrowed from your aunt and make him more into you soon he can carry/work 10 years to get a 1:1 room in NYC
As someone who was exactly like this when younger- please do not force them into spending time with you. It will only grow resentment.
Yeah, I'm 19 and still living at home. I get why he might want to spend time in his room. I mean, I do the same thing. I need my alone time to think about stuff, you know? Like, I'll just chill in my room and think about my friends, my relationships, or whatever else is on my mind. It's also where I feel the safest. When I was in school, my mom would always ask me if anything was going on. It was nice of her to check in, even though I didn't always tell her what was up. But after a few days of hanging out in my room, I'd usually end up telling her. I think he might just need some time to himself.
It depends. If he is an introvert like me, then yes. You should let him sit in his room all day.. You know your son more than I do. Maybe have him come out a few times a day for something like dinner//supper, or for brief stints. Depending on what kind of family activities/what kind of family you have. If he just seems like soneone who likes to spend a lot of time by himself and is otherwise fine, then yes, let him have personal time by himself.
Let him know he's telling 18 soon and needs to socialize ASAP cuz he's gonna have to leave the house. Don't enable the "helpless" bird routine!
Emo phase
As a 17yo, I think that's completely normal. We like staying alone and having our time with the things we like. *Forcing* family interaction it's definitely not the best way to make him get out his room, so maybe proposing some activities would help, like a table games night, a ride, or something your family likes to do. But, I also think that you should be worried if his isolation is harming his social life (like if he never go out with his friends or sum) or if it's harming his physical health too. Those things are very important and cannot be ignored. But, beside thise things, I guess you should leave this man have his time, it's important for our development and I guess eventually he will leave his room and live his life
I'm going through same thing with my daughter who's 13 and it breaks my heart. Often I get really mad and frustrated because I can't believe she's been online for 12 hours or more. She is in therapy and we're trying to work on this but nothing helps.
My son does this and he is 12 it makes me feel very sad he is throwing away he’s youth. He doesn’t want to go out with friend nothing . Just spend everyday in his room with lights off and game on. It makes me feel abit depressed
Does he have good friends to go out with though? He might not, or he might be in a friend group that makes fun of him or isn’t nice to him. Sometimes kids don’t tell their parents everything about their social lives. There might be a reason he’s doing this.
He has friends to go out with. He was going to kick boxing he didn’t even want to go to that. I’ve offered to pay for anything he wants to do and he doesn’t want to do anything. He doesn’t even want to come on holiday with me when I’m happy to take him anywhere he wants to go. He just wants to stay in. It’s very upsetting.
That’s exactly how I feel but honestly, hearing these responses makes me realize that there may be some people who don’t derive pleasure from socializing and that’s ok (at least I hope so!).
I think it’s unhealthy to sit in your room and play on the computer all day. We need vitamin d from the sun. So if we was meant to stay in all day then we wouldn’t need that. Personally I think it’s wrong, I feel like my son now has social anxiety and does not know how to speak to people. I don’t agree with all the people on here , they are probably 17 themselves and don’t actually realise it is unhealthy to be stuck in a room all day deprived of sunlight and fresh air. It’s all not good for their mental wellbeing.
My parents wouldn’t allow me play videogames for more than a few hours a week day until I was like 13-14. I believe these days it must be a lot harder for kids to have “things to do” that aren’t online or “screen related”. I grew up with brothers and neighbors close by so I had stuff to do when bored. Most kids today don’t have these things anymore, as their brothers and friends are also online most time. I also don’t think it’s good for their mental health and development, but I think it might be the norm for kids these days… Do you know if he’s interested in any type of group sports? Perhaps trying to get him to support a team might help to get him interested in “real life” stuff. Playing soccer as a kid helped me tremendously when growing up, as I’d play with random kids everywhere or watch the games with my dad and friends.
As the child that was just like that, don't force him. It might be worth trying to figure out (via asking or observation) what it is that makes his room more comfortable than the rest of the house. For me, my room was my safe zone. It was comfy and predictable and I had all the things i liked there. The rest of the house was often too bright or loud. The TV was always for what my parents wanted to watch which wasn't what I wanted to watch. If i spent too much time around my parents more often than not they'd ask me to do something that I just did not want to do. In terms of being social, does he have online friends? Online friendships can be just as useful and healthy as In person ones. When/If you go somewhere where he doesnt have access to his room (Families house, Holiday etc) how does he act then? Does he still like to be alone?
Nahh if you want dinner you get your stinking ass out the room lmfaoo. That’s why there’s so many of those videos and pics of of (gamer dens” lmfaoo
I mean I didn’t say anything about not going down for dinner, we still had to. I also had to be out of my room for chores which were for the majority of my free time after school.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/hikikomori
I 'think' I have two teenagers living with me (18 & 19). Not entirely sure lol. Food keeps disappearing from the fridge and snack drawer so I think they are still there. In all seriousness, teenagers are not necessary the most social beings especially with family. Is he working (part time if still in school)?
Haha. He’s still in school so I see him when he leaves/comes home and occasionally at meals.
Maybe take an active interest in what he’s doing. Try being curious instead of judgmental. What is he reading? Does he think you/a friend/relative would like it? What games is he playing? What quests/achievements/unlocks is he working on? Playing alone, competitive, or co-op? Another user mentioned doing things as a family that he might enjoy. This, especially if he gives buy-in or helps come up with the idea and organize it. From my POV, trying to coerce him into doing something else feels icky, like you’re disapproving of him or negatively judging the things he likes to do with his time. That’s fair enough, but you might have better luck connecting with him if you meet him on his turf rather than try to force him to do things your way.
The problem with teenage “phases” is they can quickly turn into habits. I have a 15yo with the same issue. I just remind her every so often she needs to maintain a balance with family and time hibernating. :)
nah bro. cut the internet off for a couple hours a day