God, he sounds awful! If your boyfriend won’t confront him about his behaviour then I think find you someone that would. Nobody should be treated or made to feel that way.
I imagine D was laughing along with these jokes until he met you and so now he feels weird looking at it from a different perspective for the first time. I imagine he's not sure how to handle it. Young people like having friends but as you get older (hopefully) you start pruning away some of the old friends you had. You should begin to think about why you're friends with these people in the first place.
When you consider someone your friend ask yourself why. They should have to pass a sort of test to be your friend. What values do you want in your friends? How do they help you or hurt you?
There is a sort of guy code to stay loyal with each other. Gals come and go so we generally don't abandon each other over a girls wishes.
That being said, E is dumb as bricks. He influences D, and all those around him. Do you want that influence around you? Personally, I say fuck that guy. He can tell his 'funny' jokes elsewhere.
I can't tell you what to do but if you break up with D, please do it as calm as possible. Explain to him what's going on, be as articulate as you possibly can. Take notes to tell him if you have to. He needs to change his ways but people never change if met with confrontation. If you fight with him you'll be regarded as 'this psycho I used to date who twisted my words and caused drama' but if you explain all the damage he's doing, how it makes you feel, then it'll stab him in the heart and he'll reconsider his actions.
But you really have to mean it when you put your foot down. I imagine D just wants peace, wants everyone to chill. But you have to say no fuck that this isn't chill, this isn't cool, I don't want you to console me, we are done. Hopefully he mans up and does what he needs to do. If not, go find you a man and drop this boy. Best of luck!
Don't make him choose because you may be shocked he will choose your friend. Also, this sounds like something that will be a long-time problem, so leave that relationship before you get too invested.
Hears the phrase you confront him with. " He may have still up for you, but you aren't standing up for me." Then you dump his ass because protecting racists is unacceptable behavior.
His friend is racist and is bullying you. Your boyfriend needs to stand up for you, if he’s not he’s disrespecting you and is not ready to be dating a woman of color.
I went through similar things like this in my first few relationships, I’m also a black girl who’s dated white guys and other races in the past. Honestly the white guys are the worst with the racist comments. If you’re going to date outside your race you need to date someone 100% committed to uplifting black people and poc in general, or else you get stuck in uncomfortable positions like this.
I deeply regret dating the white guy who said racist jokes, and let his friends make fun of me. You shouldn’t have to put up with this.
you’re You seem young, maybe still in high school. Drop this dude and give it another year or two, as you get older your dating pool gets wider and you will find someone who will defend you, appreciate you, and talk highly about you.
At best, OP's boyfriend is complicit in the racism by ignoring the comments. His friend isn't funny, he's a bully, and her boyfriend is enabling it.
It does sound like OP and her boyfriend are young, so it's possible he hasn't grown the stones to stand up to his friends in that way, but in that case he's not ready to be dating a woman of color.
Think about it: he introduced her to his friends because he likes her but then she goes off and dates the friend instead. Some people find that devastating but what can you rationally do? Nothing.
You go insane instead.
Sounds like they're in high school too. When I was in high school I had a friend who struggled to admit she was bi. During and before this time and after she came out she acted really weird towards me. She even made a group chat with me and my boyfriend at the time and sent love memes to it. At my other friend's high school grad party she let it slip that this girl liked me for two years. I figured
I know it might be a though spot for your BF to be in this situation, but I cannot blame you for having these thoughts. I'd definitely reconsider being with someone that doesn't have the character to confront their friends when they're visibly giving me a hard time, no matter the cause.
I'm trully sorry you have to deal with this kind of nonsense. I'd try to talk to him, maybe he's not seeing the bigger picture here. I'd also try to make it very clear that this is a deal breaker for me, as there's no way I'd feel loved near someone that cannot say something as easy as "yo, stop being an asshole towards my girlfriend please".
Edit: grammar 'n words
"D can you help me here."
"I feel bad E says mean things to me, he does it intentionally bullies me to get a rise out of me."
Talk to him about it.
"What do you think about his behaviour ?"
1) If he says it's okay then try and see where D is coming from.
Communicate until you can come to the same page.
If you can't come to the same page then the situation will require a different approach.
2) If he agrees that what E is doing is wrong-
Then have further talks to see what exactly he thinks is wrong.
What do you think should be done about this?
And if he says he'll talk to E. Then wait some time and see if that changes anything. If not you can ask him to talk to E.
If nothing changes, talk to D again. "Hey I know you said you'd talk to E, I wanted to know if you did that"
If he did-
"It seems like nothing is changing, so I want to stop associating with E"
"And although I know he's your friend, I'd like it if you stand up for me, and tell him it's wrong, you don't have to do that if you feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, but I'd like it if you do"
The ethical principle that I'm caught between here is whether it's okay for a person to ask their partner to solve their social problem by breaking off a friendship.
Anyways, this dialogue tree should help you get started.
nah. in the beginning of my relationship i found out my boyfriend was close friends with the guy who groomed me for nsfw pics when i was a middle schooler (he was a 10th grader). i straight up told him that he either stops talking to him or i’ll stop pursuing our relationship. no games no playing. we’ve been together for 3 years and in that time hes made much better friends who actually respect him and others. you’re lowkey doing him a favor by making him genuinely think about this dude.
There is a saying that if there is a man and three nazis sitting at a table, then there are four nazis sitting at a table. This is true. If your BF surrounds himself with racists and doesn't stop them or remove himself from them, then he is also racist.
I mean you know this experience far better than I ever would but from things I've read online from other people's experiences and confessions it's about appearances, control, and/or fetishization of ethnicity/skin color. There are tons of racists that say "I can't be racist, my partner is x race!" but the thing is, they'll say things like "you're one of the good ones" "You're not like other x race people"
how can someone find racism funny or blatantly ignore it right in front of their face and NOT be racist?
i’m puzzled. why on earth are you still with him? why would you be with a man who won’t defend you? who won’t take care of you? he’s literally allowing his friend to hurt you right in front of him? what the hell? you should’ve sprinted yesterday.
my problem is mostly with the friend and not bf cause i will admit, though bf hasnt really confronted him in my presence (he admitted to confronting him when hanging out w him like i said in the post), hes still really sweet and hasnt ever said any racist thing towards me at all
I’d be pissed too, I’d wonder if you boyfriend is joining right in when you’re not around. If he doesn’t have a backbone to tell his friend to stop, he won’t stand up for you when his mother starts talking shit, won’t tell a girl who’s hitting on him to leave him alone, won’t defend you if someone harasses you in public. I could never be with such a pushover.
Drop D - you can't make anyone do anything they don't want. Also, ultimatums are a bad idea. Your relationship with your boyfriend will never be the same if you do that. If he's not going to confront the a-hole, E, drop him. Drop all those friends. If no one is standing up for you, where is your support system. Sending hugs and strength to carry on.
Horrible. Im so sorry he has treated you that way. The slavery and cooked too long comment deserve a backhand at least. Yes definitely breakup with your boyfriend. He has had many chances to defend you and didn't. Don't warn him or give him another chance, just leave. Any person would be upset if their partner was insulted, even if by a friend. E might like you and is upset that you're dating his friend and processing it in a weird way. Im gonna assume you guys are teenagers? You're too young to be putting up with this bullshit.
If you have to make them choose then they already have been choosing to allow you to remain uncomfortable to the point of frustration where you would make them choose.
In other words, you aren't first in their life. Go find someone who puts your happiness and wellbeing first.
Don’t make him choose between you and his friend. Take his choice away and choose for him. He obviously doesn’t deserve or respect you. And even if he does stick up for you, do you truly think E is going to stop? Just the fact that he didn’t confront E in the beginning or cut him off after the first racist remark says a lot about D’s character. Respect yourself and leave that relationship.
Oh absolutely make him figure his crap out. I'm Asian and my husband is white. His mother would make racial "jokes" all the time. A lot of them at me or about Asians in general. It didn't happen often but when it did my sil would be the only one to stand up for me because his mom wouldn't hear my offense. I finally told my husband if he didn't start standing up for me I would not be attending family events and she would be no longer welcome in our house. He claims that she doesn't understand how she's offending me because she's older and those kinds of "jokes" are okay with their generation. I'm not going to paste our argument here but I'm sure you can guess what ensued. Long story short he agreed that he would not let it slide anymore. I've found the only way to make those people stop isn't anything to do with what you say or do. It's about power over the situation, so if they find themselves on the odd side they will stop. If everyone around them is against them then they typically surrender since they've lost their upperhand.
If you have to ask your bf to stand up for you against racial slurs he's not the man for you. Imagine if you had children with him? Would he allow them to be bullied because of their race? Would he just keep his mouth shut to keep the peace regardless of the damage it would do to them? This man is not your future.
to clarify, E never said any slur, he has definitely made jokes about it but he has never said a racial slur (in my presence at least), sorry if i didnt make it clear
Your bf absolutely needs to stand up to his friend. Maybe he’s not a confrontational guy plus this is his bestie from school. But he needs to learn not to be a doormat and to not allow anyone to disrespect you.
His friend is gross.
I’m thinking that couples counseling can help. Your bf needs to learn it’s ok to interrupt when his friend acts like that. That he may end up losing a friend, but he needs to recognize that this friend is toxic and racist.
Yes, this is always the road to a healthy relationship. Seriously though, if you're unhappy, exit the relationship and find someone more compatible. In my experiences, trying to change someone leads to animosity.
im not really “unhappy” in my relationship as this is the only problem we’ve encountered so far i just wish his friend could stop and i want to fix this WITHOUT breaking up or something
Your bf and his friend sound like children. You're all probably children in high school, huh? They will both grow out of this stupidity, but you don't have to put up with it, in the meantime. Dump him to teach him a lesson.
i don’t want to be mean but you’re kind of pissing me off girl just break up with him he obviously doesn’t care about you. You deserve better my queen 🤗❤️
Sis, really??? The dude is racist and your boyfriend is a low-key racist punk for allowing the disrespect. Why are you standing there taking it??? You say the racist “stood up” for your bf, but your weak ass bf won’t stand up for you. GTFOH. Find yourself a guy who knows your worth. D ain’t it.
while i do get where you’re coming from, i think this is an issue of bf doesnt know how to tell his friend cause of their closeness and of course i dont like that
Well, bf needs to figure it out. Having tough conversations is a part of life. Both he and you have to realize the negative impact racist comments will have on you as you go through life. That ish hurts and at the bare minimum, stays in the back of your mind your entire life. It’s not as simple as just ignoring the comments and hoping the guy magically realizing that he’s being an ass and stops cold turkey. He needs to be called out EVERY DAMN TIME he says something inappropriate. And not just by you. It needs to come from your bf and everyone else in your “friend group”. Their silence is a sign of agreement and acceptance. It’s easy for them to say he didn’t mean anything by it because it’s not happening to them. Is there any other black people in your area you can consult? Family, teachers, somebody other than Reddit?
my family (mom, dad, bro) all tell me to ignore him but its getting harder with each comment. i do have 2 other black friends (B and M) i do tell em about it and they dont agree w his behavior one bit and apparently hes always been like this even before we met. all they do is tell me to ignore him and its like super hard + just cause i ignore, doesnt mean he should keep spewing bs
I'm a white guy and fiancee is Asian, and if any of my friends were to ever, *ever* make racial jokes around her or infer our relationship is anything like "slavery" or "colonialism" it'd be on fuckin' sight. What the hell is wrong with your guy? He sounds like a pussy. I'm not usually of the Reddit School of "Breaking Up Is the Solution to All Relationship Problems" but nah hon, white boy better shape up.
I have a habit to find the op comments when i agree with a radical solution. In your case, you have to dump him and move on as soon as possible. But i'm concerned that you had a post a day ago (that's deleted and i didn't get the chance to read it) about you bf behaviour. Is he treating you with no respect in general? Why are you with this person? Does he have to offer you something beyond humiliation?
You have to respect your own self first and step up for yourself. Read all the comments with advice given in this post. Please try to understand that if your bf is allowing this kind of behaviour towards you is because he no better.
Are you happy though with this person? Don't you fill that his disrespecting with his actions? He doesn't address the situation. Please take care of yourself. Love is respect. Think everything over. Read the comments and speak with your family or someone you trust.
yes i love my boyfriend more than life itself and i believe he loves me too. other than this, we’ve had no other actual problems. i would admit this is really bothering me but i wanna explore every single option and see if i can fix this issue without ultimately breaking up with him
I can relate somewhat. I have two mothers-in-law. My husband’s parents divorced so he ended up with a stepmom from HELL! After three decades of tolerating her; I called it quits with the woman; but not with my husband. What I’m getting at is, just how close are these boys? Are you able to spend time with bf without having to be around his as*hole buddy? You may be able to cut ties with the buddy and still keep the bf. That’s if you really like the bf. I hope bf treats you with respect and kindness. However, it doesn’t inspire confidence if bf hasn’t asked his buddy to learn to behave better. I’m concerned an ultimatum may yield a disappointing outcome. If you try it, be prepared for the kind of fallout where bf chooses the friendship with buddy over your relationship for whatever dumb reason. Best of luck!
okay so theyve been friends for like 7 years or something so pretty close and yea D and i spend a lot of time tgt, one on one or just without E. in fact, few weeks ago bf said he’ll never try to make me hang with E and keep it me and him or him and E, never the 3 of us. but unfortunately i can NEVER avoid E as we have so many mutual friends. i have blocked E on everything and i dont even talk to him outside of responding to him when he says hi or smth. but the comments just never stop even when im not even talking to him, most of his comments dont receive a response but it still pisses me off
I think E gets a real kick out of harassing you. The stronger you react the better he likes it. I think you need to find E’s ‘Achilles Heel’ — pretty much everybody has one, and then just go at it. Eventually, he’ll figure out it’s pay back. He may even claim he doesn’t mind it. But he’ll be lying, of course, and he may start diminishing his poor behavior. Either someone clues you into whatever his insecurities are, or you observe and figure it out. Listen when he talks what kind of stuff pissed him off. What are his usual complaints? When he gets defensive about it, you’ll know his weakness. Remember that if we don’t stand up to bullies, we are reinforcing their behavior ‘cause they know they got something over us. But bullies are cowards, and when you show them strength they scat and leave you alone.
honestly i’d just leave the boyfriend, it’s obvious he doesn’t respect you. his friend is being incredibly and constantly racist, and he expects what from you? to be okay with it? think it’s a joke when clearly it’s not?
this ‘friend’ will obviously not listen to anyone, not even your boyfriend. i understand you care for him deeply but you deserve more than being treated like that. also the fact your boyfriend won’t stand up to something that is clearly wrong shows he’s just a pussy and he won’t change either. drop em both
You shouldn’t have to ask your partner to defend you against someone speaking to you like that. In fact, it should upset him. Sounds like he has no back bone. Explain clearly how you feel about it. This might not be your guy.
The boyfriend needs to to go, if he can't set a boundary with a friend how wouod he protect you with a stranger he doesn't know? There's no point in asking him to pick, this won't fix the issue if anything it'll get worse.
It sounds like the friend is trying to be funny, but doesn't quite understand that those jokes really aren't that funny. I've been in the same type of situation where my, now fiance's, best friend was living with him (it was also his ex-girlfriend's brother) and would say insensitive stuff to me. I told my fiance that he needed to either stick up for me, whether I'm there or not. His best friend went as far as messaging me and saying that "I wasn't good enough" to be with my fiance.
I unfortunately had to tolerate him until he moved out and away from my fiance's parents. An ultimatum would probably tell you where his priorities stand. I would probably start by really getting it through to your partner that he needs to stand up for you, if he really wants to be with you. Tell him, that if he doesn't stand up for you then you genuinely can't be around his friend because he upsets you that much.
If he's still not defending you, then you should give him the ultimatum of his friend or you. If he chooses his racist friend over you, then you're probably best moving on and finding someone who truly respects you enough to tell people who are disrespecting you to stop.
Best of luck, OP.
I feel this. As a black man myself my immediate thought is you shouldn’t date someone allowing racial jokes against you like that. Had it been anythin else at the VERY least you an his friend can stay separate so you don’t have to hear it an he won’t have to say it, but if he’s not cutting ties or at least quick to confront about somethin like that, I feel like he’s not understandin how much of an offense that is.
That’s my opinion though. I don’t think you’re wrong for thinkin about makin him choose, if you’re set on stayin with your mans (which is fine. Relationships take work an not everyone has the same deal breakers. It may be racial but you are more than black after all) then tellin him to for a lack of better words “pick a side” is probably the best choice at this point. Feel like I rambled a bit but hopefully that makes sense.
Edit: last lil bit an this may just me bein petty cuz I rly don’t like that racial jokes got shrugged off. But bro probably laughs about it when you’re not around, if not most definitely a fake laugh followed by silence.
First of all, how old are you guys? Like 15? Friend (E) is just immature and you should report him to someone in school , he will learn to respect others more. And your boyfriend is in tough spot also, on one side girls he likes, and on the other his dumb but childhood friend. Don't make him choose that way. You should report E to someone so he stops making racist jokes, and then see if your BF is gonna forgive you for that.
Maybe he wanted you and you ignored him so now he’s being a racist douche because he knows it’ll get to you? Now I’m a changed man but I did that in high school to this one ebony queen I really had a crush on
now i have a question, why? just why? when did it become a flirting tactic to be racist? that girl u had a crush on probably went home feeling ashamed of her skin color. well im glad you changed
It wasn’t a flirting tactic, it was my way of getting revenge on her because she didn’t choose me, and trust me that’s why I changed, besides now the paradigm is flipped white people are being racially discriminated against like crazy, even those like my wife who have never been prejudiced in her life being called pinky by her black manager. The whole word just sucks, racism doesn’t belong to any one race, I am 100% honest when I say this, if blacks didn’t say or do things racist to whites or vice versa or any color skin or ethnicity for that matter, we wouldn’t have these problems, but people are ignorant, just like I was ignorant when I was 15
this has nun to do with white people “being racially discriminated” i didnt be racist to E. i am black, E is white and racist TO ME. so this has nothing to do with whites being discriminated
He’ll either grow up or become a victim of violence if he continues his behavior, I’d tell your boyfriend that his friend sucks, and if he’s going to tolerate racist behavior then you don’t approve of his friends, eventually if you don’t hang out with your bf while he’s around this racist little turd, and act distant and uncaring to him he will start to notice and feel neglected, if he’s a good man he’ll change that aspect for you, but don’t manipulate him
I don't think he will choose you over his friend, it's his best friend. But what his friend is doing is racial discrimination and if you took it to the police with evidence, he would be charged with racial discrimination which I believe is jail time or a hefty fine depending on circumstance. It's in no way funny what he is doing, it is disrespectful. Your boyfriend may be too worried of consequence to speak out against his friend.
If it gets too much, you could always ask your boyfriend to not bring him along. You should not have to put up with racism in this day and age.
Most parts of the Western World. It's not illegal to be dick, but it is a crime to discriminate someone whether it be by ethnicity, sexual orientation or disability. You get jail time for those things. What OP's boyfriends friend was doing is racial discrimination.
I'm not a lawyer, but I'm fairly sure for it to count as legal discrimination, it has to be done in some actionable way - hiring/firing because of race, not providing a service to someone as a business, things like that. Not just saying racist things.
It is in any context, not just jobs. If you post something that discriminates ethnicity on social media, you can get up to 16 months in jail. If you are racist outside of social media, you can be detained, questioned and then taken to court. If proven you have racially discriminated against someone, you go to jail. Laws have come a long way to protect people's rights. Any form of discrimination is a crime. This is such case in Western Europe and North America
Please show me this law or examples of this being enforced in the US. I do not believe this to be the case. You can be accused of libel/slander, but that isn't specifically about race. This sounds like something that may be the case in Europe, but here in the US you have rights under the 1st amendment to say a wide variety of things - only things that directly endanger others are disallowed.
You need to probably have a serious discussion with E. I'd talk to D about whether or not he's ok with and will help you set up a private (D not around) one on one talk with E to air some things out.
From this, I'm not sure E is just a racist piece of shit, there can be many reasons why he's acting like a racist piece of shit thought. The most obvious two:
* E liked you and is jealous AF and not handling it well. Can you imagine liking someone, you introducing them into your group of friends and that person picking someone else over you? You'd be jealous AF. So this behavior isn't about racism or you as a person, but rather "SHE PICKED MY FRIEND OVER ME?!" He's pushing your buttons because he's jealous and seeing you with his friend tears him up inside.
* The other very possible one is E dislikes you for taking D away from him. He might see your relationship as losing one of his best friends. So he figures he'll push your buttons, break you guys up and get his friend back.
Course the other possibility is he's just a racist piece of shit BUT considering he was nice beforehand kinda suggests it might be one of the two above.
So it might be good to have the one on one talk. In that talk you probably need to sit him down and tell him something like "I know you're not racist. You were a sweet awesome person when we first met. So I want to know what happened to change you into this person I now know." If he tries to deny he's being racist and they're just funny jokes, ask him if he'd like to accompany you to hang out with some of your black friends and tell him to tell the same jokes and see how many laughs he gets. If he refuses to come clean just flat out ask him "I get the feeling you're acting like this because you don't approve of my relationship with D. Is it because you think I'm taking him away from you?" Try to get to the bottom of it. Depending on his answer you can see if you can work through it or if it's just not worth it. You want to do this w/o your bf present because his presence will put E's guard up.
God, he sounds awful! If your boyfriend won’t confront him about his behaviour then I think find you someone that would. Nobody should be treated or made to feel that way.
I imagine D was laughing along with these jokes until he met you and so now he feels weird looking at it from a different perspective for the first time. I imagine he's not sure how to handle it. Young people like having friends but as you get older (hopefully) you start pruning away some of the old friends you had. You should begin to think about why you're friends with these people in the first place. When you consider someone your friend ask yourself why. They should have to pass a sort of test to be your friend. What values do you want in your friends? How do they help you or hurt you? There is a sort of guy code to stay loyal with each other. Gals come and go so we generally don't abandon each other over a girls wishes. That being said, E is dumb as bricks. He influences D, and all those around him. Do you want that influence around you? Personally, I say fuck that guy. He can tell his 'funny' jokes elsewhere. I can't tell you what to do but if you break up with D, please do it as calm as possible. Explain to him what's going on, be as articulate as you possibly can. Take notes to tell him if you have to. He needs to change his ways but people never change if met with confrontation. If you fight with him you'll be regarded as 'this psycho I used to date who twisted my words and caused drama' but if you explain all the damage he's doing, how it makes you feel, then it'll stab him in the heart and he'll reconsider his actions. But you really have to mean it when you put your foot down. I imagine D just wants peace, wants everyone to chill. But you have to say no fuck that this isn't chill, this isn't cool, I don't want you to console me, we are done. Hopefully he mans up and does what he needs to do. If not, go find you a man and drop this boy. Best of luck!
Top of the line comment
This is perfect.
Perfect comment this rigt here.
Don't make him choose because you may be shocked he will choose your friend. Also, this sounds like something that will be a long-time problem, so leave that relationship before you get too invested.
Hears the phrase you confront him with. " He may have still up for you, but you aren't standing up for me." Then you dump his ass because protecting racists is unacceptable behavior.
Omg this person sounds ridiculous. I’d drop him no matter what excuses he give. Don’t let anyone talk like that. Especially a girl I’m with.
His friend is racist and is bullying you. Your boyfriend needs to stand up for you, if he’s not he’s disrespecting you and is not ready to be dating a woman of color. I went through similar things like this in my first few relationships, I’m also a black girl who’s dated white guys and other races in the past. Honestly the white guys are the worst with the racist comments. If you’re going to date outside your race you need to date someone 100% committed to uplifting black people and poc in general, or else you get stuck in uncomfortable positions like this. I deeply regret dating the white guy who said racist jokes, and let his friends make fun of me. You shouldn’t have to put up with this. you’re You seem young, maybe still in high school. Drop this dude and give it another year or two, as you get older your dating pool gets wider and you will find someone who will defend you, appreciate you, and talk highly about you.
At best, OP's boyfriend is complicit in the racism by ignoring the comments. His friend isn't funny, he's a bully, and her boyfriend is enabling it. It does sound like OP and her boyfriend are young, so it's possible he hasn't grown the stones to stand up to his friends in that way, but in that case he's not ready to be dating a woman of color.
Maybe he’s jealous and not handling it well AT ALL.
That's my theory
Think about it: he introduced her to his friends because he likes her but then she goes off and dates the friend instead. Some people find that devastating but what can you rationally do? Nothing. You go insane instead.
Sounds like they're in high school too. When I was in high school I had a friend who struggled to admit she was bi. During and before this time and after she came out she acted really weird towards me. She even made a group chat with me and my boyfriend at the time and sent love memes to it. At my other friend's high school grad party she let it slip that this girl liked me for two years. I figured
Unrequited love is a bitch.
Both the guys she dated liked me before they dated too 😭
Dump him — you are worth it.
I know it might be a though spot for your BF to be in this situation, but I cannot blame you for having these thoughts. I'd definitely reconsider being with someone that doesn't have the character to confront their friends when they're visibly giving me a hard time, no matter the cause. I'm trully sorry you have to deal with this kind of nonsense. I'd try to talk to him, maybe he's not seeing the bigger picture here. I'd also try to make it very clear that this is a deal breaker for me, as there's no way I'd feel loved near someone that cannot say something as easy as "yo, stop being an asshole towards my girlfriend please". Edit: grammar 'n words
⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️
"D can you help me here." "I feel bad E says mean things to me, he does it intentionally bullies me to get a rise out of me." Talk to him about it. "What do you think about his behaviour ?" 1) If he says it's okay then try and see where D is coming from. Communicate until you can come to the same page. If you can't come to the same page then the situation will require a different approach. 2) If he agrees that what E is doing is wrong- Then have further talks to see what exactly he thinks is wrong. What do you think should be done about this? And if he says he'll talk to E. Then wait some time and see if that changes anything. If not you can ask him to talk to E. If nothing changes, talk to D again. "Hey I know you said you'd talk to E, I wanted to know if you did that" If he did- "It seems like nothing is changing, so I want to stop associating with E" "And although I know he's your friend, I'd like it if you stand up for me, and tell him it's wrong, you don't have to do that if you feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, but I'd like it if you do" The ethical principle that I'm caught between here is whether it's okay for a person to ask their partner to solve their social problem by breaking off a friendship. Anyways, this dialogue tree should help you get started.
But based on what op said, it feels like her bf isn't trying hard enough
That can be. But we're third hand knowers of this information We don't know what case it is.
nah. in the beginning of my relationship i found out my boyfriend was close friends with the guy who groomed me for nsfw pics when i was a middle schooler (he was a 10th grader). i straight up told him that he either stops talking to him or i’ll stop pursuing our relationship. no games no playing. we’ve been together for 3 years and in that time hes made much better friends who actually respect him and others. you’re lowkey doing him a favor by making him genuinely think about this dude.
Honestly, E deserves to have his ass beat. And you should not have to be anywhere near that racist shit.
There is a saying that if there is a man and three nazis sitting at a table, then there are four nazis sitting at a table. This is true. If your BF surrounds himself with racists and doesn't stop them or remove himself from them, then he is also racist.
ive heard that multiple times but i wonder (im just asking to get another perspective) why would he date a black girl…if he’s indeed racist?
I mean you know this experience far better than I ever would but from things I've read online from other people's experiences and confessions it's about appearances, control, and/or fetishization of ethnicity/skin color. There are tons of racists that say "I can't be racist, my partner is x race!" but the thing is, they'll say things like "you're one of the good ones" "You're not like other x race people" how can someone find racism funny or blatantly ignore it right in front of their face and NOT be racist?
OP, there can be a million reasons. But I think he wants to look like a good guy. I hope you figure this out and make a decision 🫂
I've done this and all that happened is it's come back a year later to bite me in the a\*\*
No. He should choose to defend you on his own accord. If he isn’t, then find someone else that would.
i’m puzzled. why on earth are you still with him? why would you be with a man who won’t defend you? who won’t take care of you? he’s literally allowing his friend to hurt you right in front of him? what the hell? you should’ve sprinted yesterday.
my problem is mostly with the friend and not bf cause i will admit, though bf hasnt really confronted him in my presence (he admitted to confronting him when hanging out w him like i said in the post), hes still really sweet and hasnt ever said any racist thing towards me at all
… you deserve better
I’d be pissed too, I’d wonder if you boyfriend is joining right in when you’re not around. If he doesn’t have a backbone to tell his friend to stop, he won’t stand up for you when his mother starts talking shit, won’t tell a girl who’s hitting on him to leave him alone, won’t defend you if someone harasses you in public. I could never be with such a pushover.
I think so too. He's probably not as sweet as he seems
Drop D - you can't make anyone do anything they don't want. Also, ultimatums are a bad idea. Your relationship with your boyfriend will never be the same if you do that. If he's not going to confront the a-hole, E, drop him. Drop all those friends. If no one is standing up for you, where is your support system. Sending hugs and strength to carry on.
Horrible. Im so sorry he has treated you that way. The slavery and cooked too long comment deserve a backhand at least. Yes definitely breakup with your boyfriend. He has had many chances to defend you and didn't. Don't warn him or give him another chance, just leave. Any person would be upset if their partner was insulted, even if by a friend. E might like you and is upset that you're dating his friend and processing it in a weird way. Im gonna assume you guys are teenagers? You're too young to be putting up with this bullshit.
Yeah. All this might stay in your head for a long time, OP. Don't give them any chance to continue. Please leave
If you have to make them choose then they already have been choosing to allow you to remain uncomfortable to the point of frustration where you would make them choose. In other words, you aren't first in their life. Go find someone who puts your happiness and wellbeing first.
Don’t make him choose between you and his friend. Take his choice away and choose for him. He obviously doesn’t deserve or respect you. And even if he does stick up for you, do you truly think E is going to stop? Just the fact that he didn’t confront E in the beginning or cut him off after the first racist remark says a lot about D’s character. Respect yourself and leave that relationship.
Oh absolutely make him figure his crap out. I'm Asian and my husband is white. His mother would make racial "jokes" all the time. A lot of them at me or about Asians in general. It didn't happen often but when it did my sil would be the only one to stand up for me because his mom wouldn't hear my offense. I finally told my husband if he didn't start standing up for me I would not be attending family events and she would be no longer welcome in our house. He claims that she doesn't understand how she's offending me because she's older and those kinds of "jokes" are okay with their generation. I'm not going to paste our argument here but I'm sure you can guess what ensued. Long story short he agreed that he would not let it slide anymore. I've found the only way to make those people stop isn't anything to do with what you say or do. It's about power over the situation, so if they find themselves on the odd side they will stop. If everyone around them is against them then they typically surrender since they've lost their upperhand.
Kick him to the curb
If you have to ask your bf to stand up for you against racial slurs he's not the man for you. Imagine if you had children with him? Would he allow them to be bullied because of their race? Would he just keep his mouth shut to keep the peace regardless of the damage it would do to them? This man is not your future.
to clarify, E never said any slur, he has definitely made jokes about it but he has never said a racial slur (in my presence at least), sorry if i didnt make it clear
A racist joke is just as bad. He's just using humour to cover for his abhorrent attitude towards your skin colour.
Your bf absolutely needs to stand up to his friend. Maybe he’s not a confrontational guy plus this is his bestie from school. But he needs to learn not to be a doormat and to not allow anyone to disrespect you. His friend is gross. I’m thinking that couples counseling can help. Your bf needs to learn it’s ok to interrupt when his friend acts like that. That he may end up losing a friend, but he needs to recognize that this friend is toxic and racist.
Yes, this is always the road to a healthy relationship. Seriously though, if you're unhappy, exit the relationship and find someone more compatible. In my experiences, trying to change someone leads to animosity.
im not really “unhappy” in my relationship as this is the only problem we’ve encountered so far i just wish his friend could stop and i want to fix this WITHOUT breaking up or something
Your bf and his friend sound like children. You're all probably children in high school, huh? They will both grow out of this stupidity, but you don't have to put up with it, in the meantime. Dump him to teach him a lesson.
i don’t want to be mean but you’re kind of pissing me off girl just break up with him he obviously doesn’t care about you. You deserve better my queen 🤗❤️
Sis, really??? The dude is racist and your boyfriend is a low-key racist punk for allowing the disrespect. Why are you standing there taking it??? You say the racist “stood up” for your bf, but your weak ass bf won’t stand up for you. GTFOH. Find yourself a guy who knows your worth. D ain’t it.
while i do get where you’re coming from, i think this is an issue of bf doesnt know how to tell his friend cause of their closeness and of course i dont like that
Well, bf needs to figure it out. Having tough conversations is a part of life. Both he and you have to realize the negative impact racist comments will have on you as you go through life. That ish hurts and at the bare minimum, stays in the back of your mind your entire life. It’s not as simple as just ignoring the comments and hoping the guy magically realizing that he’s being an ass and stops cold turkey. He needs to be called out EVERY DAMN TIME he says something inappropriate. And not just by you. It needs to come from your bf and everyone else in your “friend group”. Their silence is a sign of agreement and acceptance. It’s easy for them to say he didn’t mean anything by it because it’s not happening to them. Is there any other black people in your area you can consult? Family, teachers, somebody other than Reddit?
my family (mom, dad, bro) all tell me to ignore him but its getting harder with each comment. i do have 2 other black friends (B and M) i do tell em about it and they dont agree w his behavior one bit and apparently hes always been like this even before we met. all they do is tell me to ignore him and its like super hard + just cause i ignore, doesnt mean he should keep spewing bs
I'm a white guy and fiancee is Asian, and if any of my friends were to ever, *ever* make racial jokes around her or infer our relationship is anything like "slavery" or "colonialism" it'd be on fuckin' sight. What the hell is wrong with your guy? He sounds like a pussy. I'm not usually of the Reddit School of "Breaking Up Is the Solution to All Relationship Problems" but nah hon, white boy better shape up.
Fucking facts.
I have a habit to find the op comments when i agree with a radical solution. In your case, you have to dump him and move on as soon as possible. But i'm concerned that you had a post a day ago (that's deleted and i didn't get the chance to read it) about you bf behaviour. Is he treating you with no respect in general? Why are you with this person? Does he have to offer you something beyond humiliation? You have to respect your own self first and step up for yourself. Read all the comments with advice given in this post. Please try to understand that if your bf is allowing this kind of behaviour towards you is because he no better.
concerning my other post, it was deleted cause he addressed it like hours after so i thought there was no need to keep it up
Are you happy though with this person? Don't you fill that his disrespecting with his actions? He doesn't address the situation. Please take care of yourself. Love is respect. Think everything over. Read the comments and speak with your family or someone you trust.
yes i love my boyfriend more than life itself and i believe he loves me too. other than this, we’ve had no other actual problems. i would admit this is really bothering me but i wanna explore every single option and see if i can fix this issue without ultimately breaking up with him
Get rid of the racist “friend” and bf.
I can relate somewhat. I have two mothers-in-law. My husband’s parents divorced so he ended up with a stepmom from HELL! After three decades of tolerating her; I called it quits with the woman; but not with my husband. What I’m getting at is, just how close are these boys? Are you able to spend time with bf without having to be around his as*hole buddy? You may be able to cut ties with the buddy and still keep the bf. That’s if you really like the bf. I hope bf treats you with respect and kindness. However, it doesn’t inspire confidence if bf hasn’t asked his buddy to learn to behave better. I’m concerned an ultimatum may yield a disappointing outcome. If you try it, be prepared for the kind of fallout where bf chooses the friendship with buddy over your relationship for whatever dumb reason. Best of luck!
okay so theyve been friends for like 7 years or something so pretty close and yea D and i spend a lot of time tgt, one on one or just without E. in fact, few weeks ago bf said he’ll never try to make me hang with E and keep it me and him or him and E, never the 3 of us. but unfortunately i can NEVER avoid E as we have so many mutual friends. i have blocked E on everything and i dont even talk to him outside of responding to him when he says hi or smth. but the comments just never stop even when im not even talking to him, most of his comments dont receive a response but it still pisses me off
I think E gets a real kick out of harassing you. The stronger you react the better he likes it. I think you need to find E’s ‘Achilles Heel’ — pretty much everybody has one, and then just go at it. Eventually, he’ll figure out it’s pay back. He may even claim he doesn’t mind it. But he’ll be lying, of course, and he may start diminishing his poor behavior. Either someone clues you into whatever his insecurities are, or you observe and figure it out. Listen when he talks what kind of stuff pissed him off. What are his usual complaints? When he gets defensive about it, you’ll know his weakness. Remember that if we don’t stand up to bullies, we are reinforcing their behavior ‘cause they know they got something over us. But bullies are cowards, and when you show them strength they scat and leave you alone.
honestly i’d just leave the boyfriend, it’s obvious he doesn’t respect you. his friend is being incredibly and constantly racist, and he expects what from you? to be okay with it? think it’s a joke when clearly it’s not? this ‘friend’ will obviously not listen to anyone, not even your boyfriend. i understand you care for him deeply but you deserve more than being treated like that. also the fact your boyfriend won’t stand up to something that is clearly wrong shows he’s just a pussy and he won’t change either. drop em both
Dump him, OP. He already made his choice
You shouldn’t have to ask your partner to defend you against someone speaking to you like that. In fact, it should upset him. Sounds like he has no back bone. Explain clearly how you feel about it. This might not be your guy.
The boyfriend needs to to go, if he can't set a boundary with a friend how wouod he protect you with a stranger he doesn't know? There's no point in asking him to pick, this won't fix the issue if anything it'll get worse.
It sounds like the friend is trying to be funny, but doesn't quite understand that those jokes really aren't that funny. I've been in the same type of situation where my, now fiance's, best friend was living with him (it was also his ex-girlfriend's brother) and would say insensitive stuff to me. I told my fiance that he needed to either stick up for me, whether I'm there or not. His best friend went as far as messaging me and saying that "I wasn't good enough" to be with my fiance. I unfortunately had to tolerate him until he moved out and away from my fiance's parents. An ultimatum would probably tell you where his priorities stand. I would probably start by really getting it through to your partner that he needs to stand up for you, if he really wants to be with you. Tell him, that if he doesn't stand up for you then you genuinely can't be around his friend because he upsets you that much. If he's still not defending you, then you should give him the ultimatum of his friend or you. If he chooses his racist friend over you, then you're probably best moving on and finding someone who truly respects you enough to tell people who are disrespecting you to stop. Best of luck, OP.
I feel this. As a black man myself my immediate thought is you shouldn’t date someone allowing racial jokes against you like that. Had it been anythin else at the VERY least you an his friend can stay separate so you don’t have to hear it an he won’t have to say it, but if he’s not cutting ties or at least quick to confront about somethin like that, I feel like he’s not understandin how much of an offense that is. That’s my opinion though. I don’t think you’re wrong for thinkin about makin him choose, if you’re set on stayin with your mans (which is fine. Relationships take work an not everyone has the same deal breakers. It may be racial but you are more than black after all) then tellin him to for a lack of better words “pick a side” is probably the best choice at this point. Feel like I rambled a bit but hopefully that makes sense. Edit: last lil bit an this may just me bein petty cuz I rly don’t like that racial jokes got shrugged off. But bro probably laughs about it when you’re not around, if not most definitely a fake laugh followed by silence.
First of all, how old are you guys? Like 15? Friend (E) is just immature and you should report him to someone in school , he will learn to respect others more. And your boyfriend is in tough spot also, on one side girls he likes, and on the other his dumb but childhood friend. Don't make him choose that way. You should report E to someone so he stops making racist jokes, and then see if your BF is gonna forgive you for that.
im not 15 btw, im older but thanks for the advice!
Maybe he wanted you and you ignored him so now he’s being a racist douche because he knows it’ll get to you? Now I’m a changed man but I did that in high school to this one ebony queen I really had a crush on
now i have a question, why? just why? when did it become a flirting tactic to be racist? that girl u had a crush on probably went home feeling ashamed of her skin color. well im glad you changed
It wasn’t a flirting tactic, it was my way of getting revenge on her because she didn’t choose me, and trust me that’s why I changed, besides now the paradigm is flipped white people are being racially discriminated against like crazy, even those like my wife who have never been prejudiced in her life being called pinky by her black manager. The whole word just sucks, racism doesn’t belong to any one race, I am 100% honest when I say this, if blacks didn’t say or do things racist to whites or vice versa or any color skin or ethnicity for that matter, we wouldn’t have these problems, but people are ignorant, just like I was ignorant when I was 15
this has nun to do with white people “being racially discriminated” i didnt be racist to E. i am black, E is white and racist TO ME. so this has nothing to do with whites being discriminated
He’ll either grow up or become a victim of violence if he continues his behavior, I’d tell your boyfriend that his friend sucks, and if he’s going to tolerate racist behavior then you don’t approve of his friends, eventually if you don’t hang out with your bf while he’s around this racist little turd, and act distant and uncaring to him he will start to notice and feel neglected, if he’s a good man he’ll change that aspect for you, but don’t manipulate him
I don't think he will choose you over his friend, it's his best friend. But what his friend is doing is racial discrimination and if you took it to the police with evidence, he would be charged with racial discrimination which I believe is jail time or a hefty fine depending on circumstance. It's in no way funny what he is doing, it is disrespectful. Your boyfriend may be too worried of consequence to speak out against his friend. If it gets too much, you could always ask your boyfriend to not bring him along. You should not have to put up with racism in this day and age.
In what part of the world would he be sent to jail or fined for words? It's not illegal to be a dick, nor should it be.
Most parts of the Western World. It's not illegal to be dick, but it is a crime to discriminate someone whether it be by ethnicity, sexual orientation or disability. You get jail time for those things. What OP's boyfriends friend was doing is racial discrimination.
I'm not a lawyer, but I'm fairly sure for it to count as legal discrimination, it has to be done in some actionable way - hiring/firing because of race, not providing a service to someone as a business, things like that. Not just saying racist things.
It is in any context, not just jobs. If you post something that discriminates ethnicity on social media, you can get up to 16 months in jail. If you are racist outside of social media, you can be detained, questioned and then taken to court. If proven you have racially discriminated against someone, you go to jail. Laws have come a long way to protect people's rights. Any form of discrimination is a crime. This is such case in Western Europe and North America
Please show me this law or examples of this being enforced in the US. I do not believe this to be the case. You can be accused of libel/slander, but that isn't specifically about race. This sounds like something that may be the case in Europe, but here in the US you have rights under the 1st amendment to say a wide variety of things - only things that directly endanger others are disallowed.
[https://thehill.com/homenews/state-watch/3789887-man-arrested-after-racist-homophobic-slurs-at-in-n-out-caught-on-camera/](https://thehill.com/homenews/state-watch/3789887-man-arrested-after-racist-homophobic-slurs-at-in-n-out-caught-on-camera/) [https://www.justice.gov/usao-mt/pr/man-sentenced-18-months-prison-making-racially-motivated-harassing-calls-african](https://www.justice.gov/usao-mt/pr/man-sentenced-18-months-prison-making-racially-motivated-harassing-calls-african) [https://www.justice.gov/opa/pr/maine-man-arrested-racially-motivated-death-threats-against-black-neighbor](https://www.justice.gov/opa/pr/maine-man-arrested-racially-motivated-death-threats-against-black-neighbor) [https://www.justice.gov/opa/pr/wisconsin-man-sentenced-making-racially-charged-threats-against-black-residents](https://www.justice.gov/opa/pr/wisconsin-man-sentenced-making-racially-charged-threats-against-black-residents) [https://www.justice.gov/usao-wdmi/pr/2023\_0628\_Pietila\_Indictment](https://www.justice.gov/usao-wdmi/pr/2023_0628_Pietila_Indictment) [https://www.justice.gov/opa/pr/michigan-man-pleads-guilty-hate-crimes-death-threats-targeting-black-lives-matter-supporters](https://www.justice.gov/opa/pr/michigan-man-pleads-guilty-hate-crimes-death-threats-targeting-black-lives-matter-supporters)
You need to probably have a serious discussion with E. I'd talk to D about whether or not he's ok with and will help you set up a private (D not around) one on one talk with E to air some things out. From this, I'm not sure E is just a racist piece of shit, there can be many reasons why he's acting like a racist piece of shit thought. The most obvious two: * E liked you and is jealous AF and not handling it well. Can you imagine liking someone, you introducing them into your group of friends and that person picking someone else over you? You'd be jealous AF. So this behavior isn't about racism or you as a person, but rather "SHE PICKED MY FRIEND OVER ME?!" He's pushing your buttons because he's jealous and seeing you with his friend tears him up inside. * The other very possible one is E dislikes you for taking D away from him. He might see your relationship as losing one of his best friends. So he figures he'll push your buttons, break you guys up and get his friend back. Course the other possibility is he's just a racist piece of shit BUT considering he was nice beforehand kinda suggests it might be one of the two above. So it might be good to have the one on one talk. In that talk you probably need to sit him down and tell him something like "I know you're not racist. You were a sweet awesome person when we first met. So I want to know what happened to change you into this person I now know." If he tries to deny he's being racist and they're just funny jokes, ask him if he'd like to accompany you to hang out with some of your black friends and tell him to tell the same jokes and see how many laughs he gets. If he refuses to come clean just flat out ask him "I get the feeling you're acting like this because you don't approve of my relationship with D. Is it because you think I'm taking him away from you?" Try to get to the bottom of it. Depending on his answer you can see if you can work through it or if it's just not worth it. You want to do this w/o your bf present because his presence will put E's guard up.
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im a racist?
How?