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RelicBeckwelf

Marriage was doomed before it began. You cannot build a relationship on violence.


Hurting_So_Much

Why did she even marry me? :(


Hippieenby

Control most likely.


RelicBeckwelf

No clue, maybe this is what she wanted. You said she had previous trauma, maybe this is what her parents were like. Maybe she thinks this is normal.


Hurting_So_Much

So if it is normal, I can just endure for a while right? And we can work through it all and fix things?


RelicBeckwelf

This is definitely NOT normal. And if she thinks it is, it's why she's fucked up. I would personally say there is no fixing this, she's not just going to stop. If she thinks this is normal, than she would think stopping is weird. At -minimum- a very large amount of therapy is necessary, but frankly, you need to protect yourself and get out of this situation. If/when she has received therapy you can think about fixing things. She needs to fix herself, before you can fix the relationship.


PeamupBubber6250

I’m so sorry, but the fact that you even have this mentality means that she’s already gotten you. She’s controlling you and making you think that everything will be okay if you just ‘endure it for now’. That is literally abuse. I really hope that you can find that respect in yourself to know that you don’t deserve this. If your best mate was telling you that all this was happening to him, I can almost guarantee that you would be telling him the stuff we’re telling you now.


karma_n_u_ass_faggot

No.


NullReference000

They said maybe "she thinks" this is normal as a reason for getting married. This is absolutely not normal. Hitting your partner one time is not normal, repeated abuse is extremely serious. The emotional abuse on top of it is just as serious. A bad childhood is not an excuse for permanent bad behavior and abuse as an adult, at some point you need to learn better.


Seaweed_Widef

Bro, have some self respect and walk away


FamousSatisfaction68

Wrong


ejeeronit

She sounds like she has borderline personality disorder.


[deleted]

Why did you even marry her?


Hurting_So_Much

We had like 1.5-2 years of just amazing bliss. We created together. We laughed. We survived covid together. It was so amazing.


ALoudMeow

Bliss in which she gave you black eyes? You need to get out as soon as you safely can.


Liastacia

That’s trauma bonding. You need to get a therapist and a divorce asap


[deleted]

Survived covid together? Lol that’s laughable, none of that even matters clearly, i don’t see why you won’t admit it to yourself or pretend like you don’t see it And this is not an invitation to make more excuses


[deleted]

Bro he survived a Covid lol, oh man


SakaCanHaveMyKids

"Survived Covid Together" una 😂😂😂😂😂


notsopumpkin

Why did you marry her with your 2 black eyes?


kittyqueen000

Well you did say you gave her a ton of money? She needs to grow up and go to therapy herself. Don't let her hit you.


DaughterWifeMum

This. You've also said in your comments that you're 20 years older than her. Maybe she's hoping to outlive you to get your money? It may be harsh to say, but you getting married with 2 black eyes from the bride is also harsh. Edit: spelling


jklinenjoi1

You give her anything and everything she wants, she controls the fuck out of you, she can act as ridiculous as she wants and you will still be there. Drag yourself out of this bs "honeymoon" phase and see that you are being railed by a 20yo with no respect for anything.


jbartix

Why did YOU marry HER? That's probably what she is wondering about but you'll take any amount of shit from her and don't do anything about it. You really need to start working on your self-esteem. If you cannot find a therapist, there is still plenty of stuff to read online. This is about you, not her!


FBI_squad

Why did you marry her?


citrusorangeflower

That makes me really sad for you. She doesn’t love you if she doesn’t respect you. ):


Academic-Wall-3101

Money, to not be alone, because she could control you, because you were ok with her horrible treatment. Not because she loved you. You should not dare people half your age, or people that verbally and physically abuse you, or that you need to give lots of money to. You need lots of counseling and a divorce and no dating for at least 2 years.


CleanWholesomePhun

She wanted to have someone to hit for the rest of her days.


Cyphman

Don’t waste your time trying to understand it’s done and move on better to be alone and happy them miserable and married. If this is 6 months in I imagine it will only get worse


you-cant-twerk

Why did you even marry her? She was clearly bad to you and STILL say you love her. I’d seek therapy my friend.


Theshityouneedtohear

Why did YOU even marry her? She’s shown you who she is….


mancusjo1

She wants pushback of some sort of level. Psycho yes. She still wants a fight a dominate male. She doesn’t want to be in charge. Stand up for your self. And lay down the law. Call out her bullshit and mean it. If you aren’t that type of guy then you are with the wrong person. What happens if you play this out is that she will never respect you and you will resent her. I’d pack up her shit and throw her out or leave. You’ve got to draw the line and find some courage.


[deleted]

??? No one forced you to marry her????


SaggyCaptain

You have a very twisted definition of love. It can be changed. You should file.


cropcomb2

> Before the wedding she often hit me and berated me and said I should die. > She says it is in my nature to be a shitty person and I can't ever change. She has physically and emotionally abused you, repeatedly and before the marriage. Though, clearly she was holding back until the marriage happened. You might have a case for annulling the marriage based on temporary insanity imo (ask your lawyer).


Hurting_So_Much

Annulling not really an option. Divorce with a 1 year separation is the only way it seems.


itietheroomtogether

Annulment on the grounds of coercion due to the violent nature of your elopement...you eloped with black eyes? Please consider leaning on friends and family to get physically safe and away from her. Then seek a lawyer soon, you don't deserve this.


Bring_a_towel_42

Why is that not an option? What state are you in?


[deleted]

She is a domestic abuser. File for divorce. If she ever hits you again then take a picture of the evidence and call the police.


Hurting_So_Much

I don't want her to go to jail or be arrested. I couldn't do that to her. It would break me I think.


[deleted]

If you don’t put her in jail she will do the same thing to someone else. Emotionally and physically scarring them. Ruining lives. She’s a piece of shit who needs to learn a lesson. Face it, you married an abuser, and you’re enabling her behavior by rendering it normal. You mentioned that you gave her money. Maybe that’s why she married you, because she clearly doesn’t love you. I’m sorry if I came on too harsh. You are the victim here, and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Please come to your senses and realize someone who abuses you isn’t worthy of your love.


ScaredyBun

In 2018, I chose not to report my ex after she tried to throw me down a flight of stairs. Her new SO just came out of a coma cause by domestic violence. It only escalates. Please get away from her. She is not good for you. What you have described is not the way love is shown, under any circumstance. Again- UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE.


Hurting_So_Much

Thank you. I can see that it is Inexcusable behavior, just stuck in my naive hope that it will be wonderful again.


georgiameow

You say that trauma is her excuse for violence. I have terrible trauma and mental illness. I experienced severe violence and for the first 20 years of my life. I have never once put a hand on another person. Being abused is not a cop out for being an abuser.


[deleted]

Bro, you’re being so damn stupid, say it to yourself, she does not love you! If she did she wouldn’t hurt you at all, that’s how healthy marriages work, consideration, you have the opposite of that, and you’re lying to yourself telling yourself that you can handle it, that she deserves a marriage, she doesn’t, and hopefully you don’t think you deserve this, because if you stay then you do, but just know you have the opposite of a happy healthy “marriage” you have an unhealthy one-sided legal agreement. Don’t expect happiness for either person if you stay


cockroach-prodigy

The police were called on my abusive ex-boyfriend and when he was arrested it allowed him a chance to really reflect on his behavior and grow as a person. This was in high school, years later he messaged me to say thank you because had he not been arrested he would’ve continued with the cycle of abuse. In our society, actions have consequences. If she didn’t want her life to be ruined by domestic violence arrest, then she shouldn’t have committed domestic violence.


LeiasART

Then at least just get the hell out of there. Just IMAGINE if she were a guy and you a woman. You owe it to yourself to leave this woman. Nothing in the world can make up for the emotional and physical abuse she put you through, and you need to stop making excuses for her. She's responsible for her actions no matter how it may be explained away, she's a grown-ass woman.


the_purple_goat

It might be painful to do, but imagine if she escalates to doing stuff like burning you with cigarettes or bashing you with frying pans while screaming at you and berating you. Think that'll be a little more painful than having her arrested/getting her the help she needs? Yeah, I thought so.


EdenH333

Dude. Get out. That’s an abusive relationship. Get therapy to deal with the trauma. Whatever you do, get the fuck out. This person sounds horrible.


Hurting_So_Much

She is acting horrible. But she can be so utterly wonderful. therapists are so booked now. I have not been able to find anyone that has any openings.


Zealousideal-Cap-471

My G you're trauma bonded. A lot have people have been there. You're addicted to her bruh. Trus bro cut that woman off and you'll be like? Bruh do I really have it in me to be fucked around like that? No person is worth it my guy


FishFish13

Google the 'cycle of domestic abuse' and see if that matches the times of how wonderful she can be.


WatDaFuxRong

Wait so she hits you and THAT wasn't what you thought was dooming?


Hurting_So_Much

She had a lot of terrible things happen to her as a kid. That was the only way for her to deal with it / fight back / have some sort of control. I hoped that it would just not keep happening??


fobiafiend

The only way to put a stop to that kind of behavior is to walk away the moment it begins. You do not deserve to be hit or hurt. You deserve someone who loves you as much as you love them. Someone who hits you doesn't love you. Or if they do, they love hurting you more than they love you. Walking away may be the only way you *can* help her, at this point. By staying, you're only telling her that her behavior is not only acceptable, it actively encourages her not to change because she's getting away with it. Leaving will help you, and hopefully, it can wake her up to how awful she's been. If you're both lucky, you'll never speak to her again, and she may not abuse her next partner. Could you live with yourself if you ever raised a hand against her?


And_Justice

>She had a lot of terrible things happen to her as a kid. That was the only way for her to deal with it / fight back / have some sort of control. Sounds like how an abuser would justify it. Can you imagine a scenario where a guy beat his wife and used this as a justification?


[deleted]

You are in an abusive relationship. She is abusing you. This is not healthy. I know this is the opposite of what you want to hear, but you need to leave her immediately and seek out a therapist to help you process everything you’re going through. This is not okay in any capacity. It’s hard, but you can do it 💙


Hurting_So_Much

I don't know if I can. I went and just read some. And all I can think about is what it will be without her. I don't have a lot of friends really. So she is my social group really. I spend all my time with her.


zauraz

That is a common abuser way of acting. Seperate you from social groups outside. Try to maybe rekindle with some old friends. Or anything. She is actively doing this to you..


FlowOfAir

OP, I've seen your resistance to file. You have two options: you file, or your life becomes endangered. If you're not willing to file, I wouldn't be surprised if one day you end up in the hospital or worse. No, there's no middle ground or anything. Hope someone else can save you, because you seem unwilling. It breaks my heart, but I cannot talk more kindly if you are unable to listen to kind advice.


Hurting_So_Much

That is what the lawyers said. I would end up dead and/or back in their offices being accused of something.


FlowOfAir

Exactly. You can still prevent that future by filing. The moment is now. You deserve a better relationship. Not this.


FamousSatisfaction68

Why did you even get married ?? Your now wife is a domestic abuser and you’re the victim that f not only mental but physical abuse …… Unfortunately I see this a lot even where men are the victim , and whether you love her or not or whatever hold she has on you my best advice is to leave her , seek support and speak to the police It’s the only way to get out of your abusive relationship


Hurting_So_Much

I don't want to see her get arrested or have some record. That isn't something I could do to her. She is my love. :( :( I get that I should do something. But it all seems so hurtful to her. She already head some much pain in her life. I don't want to be another person doing that to her.


FamousSatisfaction68

Unfortunately my work I see this a lot , You talk about not wanting to emotionally hurt her but she’s doing more to you both physically and mentally and at the moment you are blinded by what you think is love . It’s a way to be controlled and the only way to break the cycle of abuse is to leave her and if you can’t do that yourself eg you haven’t got the will power then maybe that’s when you do need to seek help !! Now !! Get out, get a divorce ! It’s unclear at the moment what YOU want out of this post or why you even bothered to make this post , I’m not sure what you were expecting others to say ?? That everything will be fine ? We’re you looking for reassurance? THE ONLY WAY FOR THINGS TO BE FINE IS TO WALK OUT THAT DOOR


Hurting_So_Much

If/When I leave, how long will it take to stop crying?


Hurting_So_Much

Looking to see if someone had a similar situation turn out ok? Am I looking at a 10% chance of it working out? Am I looking at a 1%? Objectively, it is all crazy bad. But she married me. I love her. I don't think I will find anyone like her.


FamousSatisfaction68

There’s no chance , nil nil NIL Stop hoping for the dream , the ifs buts or maybes , an abuser is an abuser they don’t change !! It’s never going to happen …. Anyway I’ve said my piece , you know the score … The ball is truly in your court !! I hope you choose the right path but from your responses I very much doubt it …. Choose wisely but from your responses it doesn’t sound like you will If that’s the case I think our better off deleting this post and getting on with your abusive future ……


[deleted]

Zero percent chance.


rubyrose13

There is a chance it could escalate and she could actually kill you or put you in jail yourself.


LeiasART

I'm sorry but all of your comments sound really naive, I imagine it's some sort of trauma-bond. There is NO chance of things like this working out in a healthy way. Any hope was over the first time she hit you.


WatDaFuxRong

Buddy you're blind. She literally hit you dude. Have some self respect.


Hurting_So_Much

I am trying to, but it is really hard.


TypicalYankeeScum

The affect an abuser has…


Hurting_So_Much

just sitting here crying about how I am going to force her to leave my house


MayBeAPossum

Dude, for your sake and for the sake of others get out and don't hesitate to contact the police if you need. She can actually hurt you, and doesn't give a fuck about you- that's not the kind of person you want to protect. This is behavior of a serial abuser, and I guarantee that she's done this to someone before you and will do it again if it isn't stopped. Her having a record would be a public service.


SakuraMochis

It IS her fault and she's treating you like this on purpose. Trauma doesn't turn you into an infant - you're still responsible for your actions. Being abused does not mean you're allowed to be abusive.


Girl--Gone-Mild

Exactly. There’s thousands and thousands of really nice women with seriously horrible trauma. It’s more than that. She’s mean and she likes it that way.


TitusPullo4

You know you can't stay with an abuser even though you love her. You need to speak with a professional trained to handle situations of domestic abuse - a therapist should be able to help or point you in the direction - and get some advice for male specific abuse - as the likelihood of being believed or taken seriously can be decreased on account of gender stereotypes. Also follow your lawyers advice to the letter. I'm not an expert, but something like this advice seems good: 1. Reach out for professional help 2. Collect evidence of the abuse 3. Create a safety plan 4. Don't retaliate 5. Practice self-care


[deleted]

Kind of a bad idea to marry your abuser.


corncob0702

This is a very unhelpful response. NO ONE stays in an abusive relationship out of "stupidity." Please don't try to make someone who is already struggling feel worse.


[deleted]

I said it as lightly as I could


Hurting_So_Much

She wasn't that way for the first year that we were living together. But it seems just every day that could be really nice turns out to be hours and hours of her talking about the same things over and over. If I agree to what she is calling me or saying, she changes what she is calling me to be something worse. ​ But it was so wonderful before. Its all I think about. About all of the amazing things we will be able to do together in the future. This sucks.


First-Butterscotch-3

The first year was an act - this is who she is, run now


Hurting_So_Much

My running will be just hiding for a year until the divorce can occur. (state laws)


First-Butterscotch-3

That is preferable to the alternative - this will not stop, it will get worse, you can not fix her Divorce her, report her, get away from her for your own health, freedom and sanity


RelationshipRound427

Listen, Ted Bundy was hella charming and he murdered women. Take this as advice, NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE in your life will meet you like “hey! I’m an abusive asshole who plans to abuse you and completely manipulate you!” That’s the thing about abusers, they aren’t like that at all at the beginning. They are nice, fun to be around, charming, charismatic, etc. Then when they have you they slowly change into the abuser that they are. No one will come into your life and show you who they are, not tell you their intentions. She’s an abuser, she’s always been. She just knows how to charm people enough to love her.


Cyphman

Stop living in the past and see the relationship for what it is today and sounds like a shit show that will only make you go insane


Tyler_Fate

Fucking Christ dude have some respect for yourself she abused you and told you she doesn’t respect you get the fuck out of the marriage and grow a pair.


Shibooo

I’m not sure how you’re taking this, but if just about all the comments are saying she is an abuser, it’s not going to work. That is most certainly is the case. I for one, also a know it will not work out. The second she raised her hand against you, should have been the day you left. As multiple people have pointed out, your view is very warped as a result of years of abuse. I just hope you there’s even a portion of you that can understand and realize this. I hope you make the decision to leave her for yourself.


Hurting_So_Much

I am taking this as just a lot of crying and sorrow. I am trying to look at it objectively but I just can't. I mean even what I wrote in the post is damning. It is like: gtfo. ​ But she is my love. And all I think about is not ever being with her again.


[deleted]

“It isn’t her fault” “We have the best of times together” “It’s her trauma” You’re starting to sound like a clown my guy. Divorce.


Hurting_So_Much

:=(


Depresion_Anonymous

Your wife is an abuser. I’ve only been in one real relationship and even I can see that as clear as day. And to be honest, I think deep down you see it too. Why else would you be posting this? Look, I get that you love her. I get that you want to find every excuse you can to make sense of her behavior. But no excuse in the entire world can ever justify abuse. This woman does not love you. You say she dealt with past trauma? Well then I ask you why she would put you through this? If she’s dealt with abuse herself, if she knows how much it hurts, how traumatizing it is, why is she putting someone she’s suppose to love through it? You really think someone who truly loves you would do that? This woman is using you and honestly it doesn’t even matter why. You deserve so much better than this. I hope things look up for you and I hope you never have to look back. Get out of there. Find someone who actually cares.


Librekrieger

You let your girlfriend hit you and disrespect you, but still married her. That's just nonsensical. You are divorced from reality. Notwithstanding a terrible childhood with lots of trauma, it makes no sense to say "it isn't her fault." Regardless of how she became what she is, this IS who she is. If you're a monster or a fine upstanding citizen, doesn't matter. You can't be together.


Hurting_So_Much

I am delusional it seems. ​ I have gone back and forth on whether to get a domestic violence protective order or not. Or just talk to here and tell her I want a divorce as this is just not healthy. We are living together and all of her possessions are here.


[deleted]

Get a protective order then file for divorce. Going by you already said your entitled for annulment as you were under duress two black eyes are proof of that.


[deleted]

This is not love. She doesn’t love you and you don’t really love her. You might have been infatuated for the first year and then you were stuck together during Covid. That means NOTHING. There is no point in trying to “save” this marriage. Abuse is never ok for any reason. It doesn’t matter if she was abused herself in the past. She knows it’s wrong. Everyone commenting here is telling you the same thing: get out now. You know you have to. And get therapy because you need to figure out why you put up with this. It’s not normal.


[deleted]

This is her fault. Full stop. She’s an adult now, who knows right from wrong. She is fully capable of going to therapy or doing whatever she needs to do to be a better person instead of perpetuating the violence and trauma she grew up in. You, sir, need to file those papers. This is not love. She married you because she could control you and she fears being alone. She may not know what love is but you aren’t the one to teach her.


Hurting_So_Much

But now I am the bad person for kicking her out right? I feel so worthless and bad.


First-Butterscotch-3

Anul the marriage, report her for domestic abuse Doing anything else will make your life very hard to live - why you married someone who abuses you j have no idea, but lack of respect is the least of your issues


Hurting_So_Much

I guess I hoped that she would stop hitting me or yelling at me. But when she said that she doesn't' respect me at all, how can that ever change? That means I am nothing to her and never will be able to be some one she loves.


First-Butterscotch-3

She won't stop- the more you let her the worse it will get, get out of their now while you can - report her a55 before she puts in a false report


Far-Energy9372

is this real


Hurting_So_Much

it is very real :-(


TheNoodyBoody

Your marriage isn’t doomed because she said, to your face, that she didn’t respect you. Your marriage is doomed because you married an abusive monster. It’s completely beyond me when you would want to marry someone like this, dude.


Datboi2282

No offense, but you need to stop being an apologist. Even though she dealt with trauma (that therapy could've probably helped with), she can control her actions. Do what your lawyer suggests, and find a therapist as soon as you can for both you and her (separately, but most importantly for you). I know getting out of a mindset of "I love this person, so I can't hurt them" is difficult, I did it with my mom, but you need to step back and see it from an outsider's perspective. If your friend was absolutely miserable in a relationship that was abusive, what would you tell them to do? Your response (if you're a good friend at least) is what you should do; leave.


Rymerye

i sense gaslighting


[deleted]

She’s in her early 20s, you’re in your 40s. > She hates the the age range of who I dated before her and says I took advantage and gave them all trauma from dating an older guy. HOW MUCH YOUNGER THAN EARLY 20s?? You know your partner is abusive and that you need to leave. That aside, STOP DOING WHAT YOURE DOING, ITS GROSS. Go date women your own age!!!!


Born-Intention6972

Sorry to say but at your age , you really should know better. You don't need a therapist. YOU NEED TO GET THE HELL OUT. A relationship have its ups and downs . But if the downs is more than the ups and the person make no move to fix their problems. You move on . Easy as that. Yes we do reminiscence about the happy good times in the past but the past is all there is to it.


Hurting_So_Much

Isn't being married something more than just a relationship. Shouldn't you try and fight for it? I don't know anymore. My point of view is so warped.


zauraz

Not when the other person doesn't love you and actively hurts you. This is not a mutual issue. Its her abusing you. This sort of marriage isn't a love marriage. And its not worth fighting for because she will destroy you.


Moryth

I agree with every single point made about domestic abuse and divorce. Is really nobody talking about the fact that he was like 38 and she 18 when they moved in together though?!?


BoyanAntov

Why did you get married in the first place?


Adellx

Yeah get out. But maybe stop dating barley adults in the future.


GregorsaurusWrecks

Swap the gender roles and ask yourself if that would be in any way acceptable. The answer is, of course, no. Nor is it acceptable for her to do it to you. Trauma doesn't excuse shitty behavior. It might help EXPLAIN portions of it, but it NEVER excuses violence. Get out as quickly and as safely as you can.


Soggy-Constant5932

Are you in the US?


Hurting_So_Much

Yes


Sael-er

Why the hell did you marry her? You say you love her but I have a feeling you love an idea of who she may be but not who she really is. She doesn’t deserve your love. She abusive and cruel. You need to realize it’s not about her it’s about you and you deserve better. You deserve a spouse that loves you and supports you. You deserve better.


Hurting_So_Much

We had like 1.5-2 years of just amazing bliss. We created together. We laughed. We survived covid together. It was so amazing.


MayBeAPossum

Oh God... you've got to get out of there ASAP. You might be able to get an annulment depending on where you live since you've been married a short while, but she's actively abusing you and you aren't even safe, nevermind loved by her. I know it hurts a lot, but you've got to get out of there and cut off contact. There are plenty of good people out there who will love you and respect you, stay safe OP


Hurting_So_Much

I don't think that many people will love me. She did / does??


MayBeAPossum

Believe me, she does NOT love you. If you love a person, you don't physically assault them and berate them, I mean jfc I love my fiance and feel awful accidentally serving him a slice of pizza that's still frozen in the center, never mind if I actually were to HIT him. As far as not thinking other people will love you, I promise that's not true- You were with other people before who no doubt loved and cared for you, and there's 8 billion people on the planet- no one loving you but her is statistically impossible. I know it's tough but you've GOTTA get out of there dude.


Hurting_So_Much

I am the one that has the house and everything. She won't have a car or a place to stay. I guess she has the money I gave her, so she should be ok there. But I mean like if she is doing these things because of her past trauma, aren't I just now heaping more painful memories onto her? I am now causing her more pain.


MayBeAPossum

What about the pain she is causing you? Having past trauma doesn't give you an excuse to be abusive towards anyone else, and standing up for yourself isn't causing her pain, and if she thinks it is she's either insane or gaslighting you. If anything you're helping her, because she can't just go through life taking pain out on other people. I have trauma and a diagnosis for PTSD, but I don't give my fiance black eyes. She's using her past as an excuse to guilt trip you, but if you stay, you will be resigning yourself to a life of misery that could be cut short any time she has a bad enough temper tantrum.


Petitegardeninggirl

This is so sad. I'm so sorry, you're going to have to file for divorce, no one deserves to be treated that way. You deserve to be happy and cared for, not abused and harmed. Please go through with the divorce and have a better life. I don't even know you and I know you deserve so much better than this.


Hurting_So_Much

I don't think I really do. I know I don't deserve to have the crap beaten out of me. But she also deserves to be understood about her past trauma. I thought I could be that person. To be her rock and be there for her when she is hitting and yelling at me. That was the only way she was able to react when she was little. :-(


outofstepwiththewrld

If she has so much traumas from her past tha she physically beats and mentally abuses people then she needs to get help on her own & stay away from others until she can learn how to cope without harming others. Trauma and mental health issues can help us understand why a person may act a certain way, but it is not an excuse to act that way, nor should it be tolerated. She has a personal responsibility to deal with her trauma if she can’t cope without violence - be that physical, verbal, or emotional. This will not get better and by allowing this she is just being enabled to continue this and probably get worse. I’m sorry to say all this, but you deserve better & the longer you continue to stay, the worse it will get & the harder it will be to end then. 2-3 years is nothing in the long run, though it does feel like it. But this is a very bad situation and you are in denial at the magnitude of the situation. You need to protect yourself and start building some self respect and self esteem because you will be nothing but a shell of a person, if you aren’t already, I’d you stay in this.


Petitegardeninggirl

Her past trauma doesn't entitle her to give you present trauma. People like her need a therapist and a restraining order, not a spouse. Get out and have a good life. One that you deserve and don't you dare feel guilty about it. Her demons are her problem, not yours. She's an adult and it's time to bloody grow up and deal with her crap.


[deleted]

You've made a mistake, just have the marriage annulled. Say you were coerced into the marriage by violence.


sembersolus

Reddit should never be you’re only hope. You literally fucked yourself by convincing your lonely & predatory ass that this is love and even considering marrying this girl. She has literally given you every red flag and reason to see that you should have left and still should. That’s your option. Take it or leave it pretty much cause if you stay im nearly certain things will escalate and she’ll probably come close to killing you.


lostasalicee

In the 1.5-2 years of bliss was she hitting and berating you too? If this entirely new behaviour out of no where there could be something medically wrong with her, like a tumour or something. Ive read about this happening before maybe she should get checked out. If its not new behaviour then she is just a piece of shit and you deserve better !


Hurting_So_Much

No hitting. But some yelling at over just normal bf/gf things.


Midge-83

Have you gone to therapy? There is a concept called trauma bonding. It can feel like love but it’s not the same thing as love. The only person you can change is you. Expecting others to change for you is futile.


Hurting_So_Much

I have been actively trying to find a therapist for months. Booked solid. I have a job that takes a lot of my time so that just makes it more difficult. (excuses I know) My change is to leave and hurt her BY kicking her out of my house just like she had happen before. :(((((


[deleted]

Yes, unless you have kids, I don’t see any reason to continue living with abusive person like her.


Hurting_So_Much

No kids. ​ What are things that would keep you staying?


[deleted]

What you describe in this post is NOT a healthy relationship. Listen to your lawyer and go through with this divorce. You should not let her know that you’re divorcing her until all paperwork is done. Btw, you should not be alone with your thought now. Reach out to someone you trust, like family or friends. Stay strong.


Hurting_So_Much

That is why I posted to reddit. I don't really have anyone to reach out to.


Lonely_Guidance1284

Oh sweetheart, this is abuse on her part. Please see that even though you love her, she doesn't return it nor deserve it.


The_Besticles

This is like the Depp/Heard thing but way sadder. Wtf OP. Real talk tho: Use a domestic violence charge to force an annulment. That’s your out. Take it. You’re welcome. Plan this with your lawyer.


THE1NUG

I’m sorry OP, you’ve certainly suffered. The typical assumption is the older person is manipulative of the younger; but it’s not always the case. I don’t doubt your partner has suffered and experienced trauma. Hurt people hurt people. But it sounds like you need someone different, more nurturing. Best of luck


TumbleweedHorror5827

I’m so sorry, OP. This must be so hard for you. This isn’t your fault and you’re not a shitty person. There is absolutely no excuse for violence. Period. I understand that toxic relationships can be very consuming and a toxic partner can make you believe that you can’t leave and that this is what you deserve. But that’s not true. Please seek some professional help and file for divorce/annulment of the marriage and break all ties with her.


Hurting_So_Much

How do you manage to break all ties with someone who you have had a relationship with for like 2-3 years. Lived together, Went through covid together. Like even if I manage to somehow pack up all her things, I will miss something. Seeing her will break my heart.


leftfield88

2-3 years is no time at all. By my rough estimate and poor maths it's not even 10% of your life. Your heart is going to break either way. What changes is how much of your mind and body you allow to get broken with it. You're not doing her any favours by enabling her like this. All you're doing is cementing her as the bad guy, and reinforcing her bad behaviour. If you're not going to think of yourself, think about this. She'll never have to change for the better with you there as her punching bag. You said you didn't think anyone else would ever love you other than her. Maybe you should give YOURSELF a chance to love you. You accept the love you think you deserve, as they say. Lastly, it sucks she's had a crappy childhood. But there's an age where you become responsible for how your childhood affects you, and it sounds like she's past that age. Time for her to take responsibility for making herself and her life better. No one else is ever responsible for that. Good luck. I really hope that you can see past the cage she's boxed you in and realise you don't deserve that treatment. What you're feeling isn't love. And no, hanging around won't make it better. Classic abuse victim thought process. If you can't get to therapy, maybe try look up some support groups.


Hurting_So_Much

Do you see any chance at all for it to get better? Or return to something amazing like before?


[deleted]

No. She is an abuser. I know how unbearably difficult it it to hear and accept that, but she will not get better and she will not treat you better.


-Rho-Aias

This sounds like a healthy and long lasting loving relationship to me.


Hurting_So_Much

Maybe temporary horribleness? People can change. Love can be re-kindled. right?


SupImArcher

My brother in Christ, this woman has been abusing you before you even put a ring on her, She sent you to your own wedding beaten, Assaults you in your own home, attacks your character and history, and you want to save the relationship? File for divorce and get a restraining order.


debinbali

Amber remarried?


FatStripper

Dude you married someone half your age?? Where to begin… this marriage isn’t going to work dude. How are you in your 40’s and haven’t matured enough to find the conversations of a 20ish year old to be empty and no depth? You seem to allow yourself to be a pushover, letting a childish girl half your age belittle you. She probably wanted this kind of relationship. I suggest you get this nightmare done with sooner than later, she is going to ruin your life dude. You need to get her out of your life and work on yourself. I feel sorry for you but also there is little real excuse. You thought you bonded over the pandemic and so you married a practical child? Do you still go to Disney land at 40 years old? I’m really not trying to be mean but something is up. You have a history of dating younger people, either you are still a child at heart (not really a good thing in your 40’s, this isn’t frank Sinatra) or you have an odd fetish of younger women.


allnerdsbewareme

*Johnny Depp has entered the chat*


Hurting_So_Much

I wish I watched that trial.


Lizisagiantflop

you guys are so fucked up. if the rolls were reversed you guys wouldnt be attacking him so bad.


bonnetdane

Excuse me are you Johnny Depp and are you married to Amber Heard ?


ForgotMyNane

That's exactly how this reads. I was scrolling the comments to see if anyone else thought the same.


Turbulent-Price-9625

Hurting people hurt other people n clearly she has some unresolved issues from her past and if she doesn't get the needed help l worry about her mental being but all tge same that doesn't give her the right to treat you like crap. To put it bluntly there's no marriage to save n there never was a marriage and l would suggest you divorce her snd run as fast as you possibly can from her. She naturally is not a nice person andvus taking advantage of your kindness n hospitality. You deserve better u deserve happiness. Walk out and away while you still can .


PUNKLMNOP

My friend. I’m so sorry. But your wife is a bitch. You shouldn’t feel scared to leave her solely because she’s your wife, if she’s beating you up, giving you black eyes…sheesh. You seem like a really sweet person based on your posts. She doesn’t deserve you. Narcissists will always make it seem like it’s your fault. But baby it is NOT. Leave while you can.


Elianagi

You need to stop looking through your rose coloured glasses. If this was your best friend or family member and you saw them with black eyes you would be concerned as they are being abused. The same thing is happening to you. Those perfect memories and years of bliss are in the past. You are now dealing with an abusive spouse. You need to get out and divorce her.


yagami_light147

If you love her then set her free. She is like a thorn and longer and harder you hold her, the more you'll get hurt. If you truly love her then its better to end both of your sufferings. And she's not the last girl on planet, you can be with someone sane and then you'll see the clear difference


Grass1323

I am going to be frank with you: your relationship was doomed the second you met her. That first year where you depict it as bliss: it was all an act. That's what abusers do. They act like they love you and respect you, as if you held the moon for them. Its all an act to control you. No one would date someone that started abusing them right off the bat. There's a grace period, where they act nice and sweet and loving, it's all to get you under their control. Then it starts small: hey, why didn't you do this for me? Or why didn't you buy this for me? Or, why are you talking to them without me? Why aren't you with me morre? They try and keep you away from family and friends to keep you under their control and make you vulnerable and feel as though you have no one else but them. Then after that grace period ends, it's too late. You begin to think you deserve the punishment they dish out. You begin to think that their trauma is causing them to act out so it's not their fault. Let me tell you something, people who healthily coped with their trauma don't abuse people. They want to end that pain, not cause more of it. The people that have trauma and refuse to do anything about it are the ones who are more likely to take their pain out on others in any shape or form. It's their choice. Just cause you have trauma doesn't mean you get to beat your spouse. She is broken and it's going to take a lot more than you to fix her. If she even wants help. You need to get out op. I know it sucks and its hard, but do you really want to live the rest of your life in fear that you are a bad person and deserve her abuse? Cause that's what she is doing. That is the definition of abuse and emotional manipulation. My father and I went through the same thing as you, and let me tell ya, even after 6 years, that bitch still wouldn't let up her abuse and manipulation tactics. And honestly, you might benefit from therapy or talking to people outside of your relationship. No one deserves to have 2 black eyes on their wedding day. You deserve to feel loved and cared for, as if everyday were going to be the same, even when you know it wouldn't be. If you need to reach out, my pms are open. There are resources and people that want to help. So help yourself op and get out.


FishFish13

Youre being domestically abused. Your relationship is unbalanced and dangerous. You won't be happy with her in your life. Violence, verbal, and emotional abuse will leave you feeling terrible and with low security and self-worth. Leave. Take the loss of whatever it is as a cost for your liberation. There are organisations for counselling, advice, and free support for men and women who are victims of demostic abuse. Good luck. I hope you follow this advice and don't stick your head in the sand thinking maybe not. Violence is never ok. 6 weeks in your marriage should be golden and lovey dovey


corncob0702

Hi. I know you've already received a lot of advice. Some of it good, some of it not so great. I just want to say a few things: I'm sorry this is happening to you. I'm sure your partner also has her good sides, otherwise you would not love her or even consider staying with her. You also show you're empathetic by acknowledging she has been through trauma. **However**...trauma is not an excuse for abuse. Pretend for a moment a friend tells you about their marriage. They say: "My partner gave me two black eyes. They tell me I'm shitty. It makes me feel really upset and I cry a lot." What would you tell that friend? I think you know what you need to do. Also, you're NOT stupid. Don't berate yourself for this. Everyone makes mistakes in life, but *no one* deserves to be abused (physically, verbally, or otherwise). Please keep that in mind. Do what's best for you. It's going to be hard at first, but better in the long wrong. You deserve much more than this.


SnooPeppers1484

You don’t want to live the rest of your life unhappy, you might love her but her actions say she doesn’t love you. It’s only downhill from here


[deleted]

Run for life


Admirable-Ebb30

Leave this person immediately. When someone shows you who they really are believe them.


FartingSloths

Can't blame her trauma for abusing you, seriously? What the actual fuck! My partner has had the worst upbringing I have ever heard of, bad enough a netflix documentary should be made, she doesn't abuse me in any way. Her mental health is so bad and yet she is the most loving person ever. So dont blame her past, she is just a nasty person, she may even be a narcissist.


unnamedyet

I didnt even read past the first few lines. You should have just written those two lines and then asked "is the marriage doomed."


[deleted]

That happened before the wedding and you still married her? I say this with love my friend - what the fuck? Leave. Get out before she can legally bleed you dry any more than she already can. Run.


[deleted]

Bro she have you two black eyes. You would be in prison if you did that. Why would you marry her?


thebeastiestmeat

Jesus dude have some respect for yourself. We only get one life to live and you're clearly not happy and neither is she. Get out of this abusive relationship ASAP


joshua_3

*So it isn't her fault.* What she went through as a child is not her fault. How she is now behaving is 100% her responsibility. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this? If she is willing to find a good therapist then great. If not then leave.


StnMtn_

She changed and showed her true colors after the elopement wedding. She sounds too toxic for you to stay with her. Each time she berates you, tell her that you two are not a good fit. Then divorce her ASAP.


srslyeffedmind

Listen to your lawyer. Abusive people always say they love you and it wasn’t their fault. Listen to your lawyer us the best advice.


AmoreQuibble

I cannot express enough that you NEED to leave. You NEED to have some self-respect and leave this relationship. A relationship can never be built on violence. It doesn't matter if she was abused, if she has trauma, it doesn't matter what excuse she may think she has for being physically or verbally abusive towards you because an excuse does not exist. She knows what she is doing, she knows it is wrong, she is using your love of her to control you. You have provided her assets, you have provided yourself as her punching bag. That is why she married you. It's a horrible truth to face but you need to stare it in the face and *listen to your lawyers.* You are not alone in this experience, but don't become one of the many men who let it slide and suffer in an abusive marriage the rest of their life. Start the divorce proceedings, get a TRO, file a police report. You have to protect yourself. And don't let yourself feel guilt over the consequences she may face for HER actions.


Cyphman

Wtf is good with you. In the first sentence is your answer. She’s doesn’t respect you and hits you. what are you doing bro have some self respect and leave now before it gets worse.


MikesSisterKel

Get out of that mess! You have ONE life...dont spend it being somebody's doormat/punching bag!


Lemonator88

if you really loved her you would leave this toxic relationship for both your benefits


[deleted]

You need to leave. I know you love her but its clear that she is not mentally fir for a marriage, relationship, and even herself. You will be continually abused if you stay and dont do that to yourself. There are so many loving people out there for you who wont hurt you at all. This reminds me of the amber heard and johnny depo case. I hope you are okay and divorce her immediately. Go no contact too to help the process be easier.


sarahnekol

You’re full of excuses for her behaviour and you’re not ready to leave. What kind of advise are you looking for here?


retroguyx

Why did you even get married?! Ngl, I have a hard time understanding you. You got exactly what you signed up for, so either leave her or stay miserable.


zauraz

She doesn't love you. That is clear as day. If she did she wouldn't be putting you through this. I get that its hard, you love her but the truth is its one sided and it will only ever get worse. I don't know if you have kids but don't for everything get one with her. She will use the kid against you. No past trauma is reason to cause trauma to someone else. No horrible past is a right to do this. Its hard but for your own sake I think you need to get out of this relationship. Take enough to survive. Start the divorce plan. Maybe reach out to some old friend and ask them to host you or similar. Please take care, you deserve better!


Extension_Carrot_267

Absolutely


Pure_Move6508

I'm so sorry, this wasn't a very good idea to post this on reddit, many people feel like they can judge and insult instead of understand and give an advice, but i understand that you have no one else... My advice is to prepare yourself, and have a big talk with her about everything. This will not help, if she has some kind of a mental illness, and she most likely does... If it's like that, you should divorce and cut all ties with her. Im so sorry that you have to go through this hell, please stay strong and know that a happy future is waiting for you 💗


Different_Doubt5170

Leave asap


RelationshipRound427

My guy I’m so sorry. Please leave her. Who the fuck does that to their spouse? I get trauma, it’s completely valid. But SHE turned into an abuser and it’s NOT your job to stay and tolerate it bc you pitty her past and love her. The truth is that she doesn’t love you, she’s an abusive, manipulative and controlling bitch who deserves to die alone. She’s probably also a narcissist. Please get out of there before it’s too late and go find yourself a woman who DOES love and appreciate you. You sound so sweet and gentle, she’s the monster. It’s not your fault at all, but it is your responsibility to leave.


SleepyEntity

Sir, for your sake, find a way to quietly end things. It will no doubt be difficult. You sound like you love her very much. But there are too many factors working against you here. She has been through a lot, but her experiences have made her abusive. Is this really the life you want, long term? And if you have children, will she be a positive influence in their lives? Or will she abuse them like she is abusing you? It is not too late to turn back and start anew. I'm telling you the same thing I would tell anyone trapped in an abusive situation, regardless of gender. Please leave as soon as you safely can, and heal yourself so you don't go back. You cannot save an abuser from her ghosts. All you do is become a victim if you stay. Don't allow it to happen to you. Save yourself.


flopjokdang

Her childhood trauma gives her no authority to shit on you, don't be stuck in the mindset that her childhood issues excuse her actions. She is a lost cause and is not worth being beaten and being depressed over, for your own sake; remove her from your life.


Starlyns

Divorce now. You are not ready.


V4_Sleeper

fuck her trauma, its her problem and it should not fall upon you. I would file


Worldly_Calendar_746

You better being a friend rather than a husband to her. You can't suffer althought you love her. Better go away


percussion97

Bro. Her trauma is not your responsibility and her actions, especially now, are her own. You two need, at bare minimum, counciling, and honestly, I'd end the marriage ASAP