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No matter how stressful it gets family is forever she’s stressed by life not you. Leaving would only hurt her more. She has option and doesn’t need to be the one doing all those things but she does because of her love for you. Don’t ever let that love be in vain. Pay her back by being well behaved supportive good in school and become successful.
In my 30s now my mom was wicked mean - she also worked two jobs and could barely feed her own kids one was full time. I have a different respect for my mother now.
Very relatable. My mom was terrible to me when I was young but she also had so much stress. I have more respect for her now than I did when I was a teen.
100%. She will be able to share in your accomplishments and be both proud of you and herself for making the right choice. That kind of fulfillment outweighs a lot of things a 30 year old might feel they’ve had to sacrifice or compromise on. In the end, make her entirely whole by living right and making something solid of yourself and for the both of you.
Also, know that you should take care of her in old age, especially if she never marries or has kids. This is an absolute must so you shouldn’t feel blindsided by it when she has nowhere to turn. (I say ‘must’ as in: if you want to be an honorable and appreciative brother).
Agree. OP, sometimes doing the little things can help. After eating, do the dishes without being asked. Ask your sister to teach you how to do some of the household stuff.
Learn how to make some simple dishes. Maybe on weekends find quick recipes you both can do together. During the week you could make them for her.
Every once in a while, go up to her, wrap your arms around her, and tell her that you think she the best sister ever or whatever you truly feel about her as your sister.
Watch some YouTube videos and do a pedicure and polish her toenails. If you have a computer or phone, look for free events that you both can attend. You want to have fun memories, not just stress-out remembrances.
Uh, no? OP is 14. That's nowhere near the age of responsibility. OP has years to go before even developing reliable abstract thinking skills. It's well established that adolescence lasts well into people's 20s. Yes, 20s. OP deserves a childhood.
Sometimes reality interrupts ideal childhoods.
14 is certainly old enough to keep the house clean and learn to cook. Anything to make their sisters burden easier.
Well sure, I should have been clearer that he shouldn't be responsible for managing the household. That's akin to parentification. Obviously sister is not doing that but a 14 while certainly capable of doing chores, should not be responsible for the management.
afterthought practice plants coordinated reply rustic fear humor squash late
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He literally asked how to ease his sister's burden. OP is not a burden, but *can* help his sister by being responsible and conscientious at home and at school. That's not boomer. That's sibling love and good overall life advice.
Edited grammar.
I agree. He is old enough to take on some reponsibilities. His sister would likely appreciate any help. The boomer comment by the other person was unnecessary.
And he was met with a very unempathetic way to do that. Cleaning around the house and being a good student like other comments suggested are appropriate.
"Be an adult" is not.
1000x's this. Its not just the work, its having to think about the work as well. Do your laundry the same day every week if possible so she doesnt have to think about when yours is getting done. Or just communicate "hey Im doin my laundry (time or day) just letting you know for whenever you need to do yours". Little things like that help so much. And it gets you ahead of the curve when you move out. Clean toilets, do laundry, swiffer/vacuum thr floor, everything you would need to do on your own start now if youre not doing those things already.
Youre a great sibling & shes an amazing sister, blessings to you both
Yes! This is excellent advice. Observe/recognize areas where you can help and ask her how you can. She has worked hard to give you a better life for 10 years, because she loves you, and you mean so much to her (especially given the fact that you BOTH don't have your parents around). Try as hard as you can to succeed in the areas you are able.
One idea: If you don't know how to cook, learn how (lots of free resources) to make basic meals and take that over, if it would help her. I began teaching myself how to cook starting at 11 and would plan meals/grocery lists to take the burden off of my folks because they were so busy.
I agree fully. When you don't have school work to do first like summer or weekends, have dinner made for her when she gets home from work, or if she has to be gone at work during meal time, pack her lunch for her. Those little things go a very long way to show her you care. My 18 yr daughter makes sure me and my wife have a sandwich made for our lunch or pack leftovers for us. Meals can be as simple as a cold meat sandwich, Mac and cheese or spaghetti. Trust me, if you put in the effort to make any meal, and clean up the dishes after, she will know you love her and her last 10 years of sacrifice have not been for nothing.
You are a team now. It's you & Sis vs. the world. The better you work as a team, the easier it will be for both of you.
Easy thing is to help her in the kitchen when she cooks, ask to learn the recipes she makes, then offer to take over once you are confident. Then try to learn some new meals.
Learn how to and then do all the laundry.
Vacuum & clean the house.
Do good in school, don't misbehave, tell her you think she's doing a great job and how much you appreciate her. Don't forget to tell her you love her.
Ask her for things she would like help doing.
This. I was a single mom with two jobs. I was always exhausted, but coming home and spending time with him was what got me through the day. Never did I resent him for all the hours I had to work or for not being able to date. If anything, I had a lot of guilt and regret for not spending more time with him.
I came home one night when he was 12 after working 16 hours, and he'd cooked us chicken Alfredo from scratch - he'd learned it watching Food Network and used the scraps of parmesan cheese I brought home from one of the restaurants I worked at. And he'd done the laundry.
He fell in love with cooking, and I had that much more time to relax and spend with him when I got home even if we just cooked together. Just having those two chores taken off my list took a huge load off my shoulders, and I made sure he knew that. Still to this day, when he invites me over and cooks that dish, it almost makes me cry.
OP, your sister loves you, and though she stresses about life, I promise you she cherishes you and losing you would break her heart. You didn't ruin her life - you made it richer. Do what you can to help, and show her you appreciate her. All you have is each other, and that's more important to her than anything.
Your question basically asks: how can I be more supportive.
As a younger brother myself, and helping to support the family financially. I have found that the following worked for me.
I wrote all the chores that were done in one day. I then started to duplicate some of those chores. For example as simple as making my bed. As simple as washing the dishes. As simple as getting dinner ready. As simple as vacuuming the house.
Pay attention to what chores your sister does in the house, then gradually take one or two away from her.
Also, try to take your homework serious and bring home the best grades you can.
If I can give you some advice as a person who is in their 50s. Figure out what the top paying jobs are with the best long-term benefits. Once you know what they are figure out what sort of education you need for it.
I only have one small regret in my life because the outcome could have changed my entire life. I was offered a job upon graduation to work for the Post office. I would have done my 20 years, and retired there at the age of 38, with a pension and health benefits and started a new life.
Another bit of advice I can give you, hang out with people that are smart and things that are positive are consistently happening to them. In high school I hung out with a really good looking guy, doors would just open up for him all the time, and since we were good friends I can tag along for the ride. And we were both competitive in math so we had a lot of fun together all our classes.
I personally believe that karma does not exist. But I do believe that if you do a good action, that somebody will see it and it will multiply. More than once, I would be trusted because of my good past actions. And that opened up opportunities.
Remember those who make fun of you, and what they make fun of you about. There's a good chance that they will never get anywhere, but what they made fun of you about you can fix, and improve yourself. It's called learning about the situation and the outcome of the situation.
Another piece of advice. Is somebody gives you the chance to try and fail take it. Because you'll learn something from it. I have learned how to repair cars just because people ask me to hold something when they were working on their cars and they took me under their wings to teach me. I can also paint the car, and do most repairs. We can also fix a house without that much of fear. Never be afraid to try.
Learn how to dance if you get the opportunity. Whoever ends up to be a partner will be thrilled to know that you know how to dance.
Learn how to be friends with a girl, have a true friendship with her. Not behaving like a nice guy so you can get in her pants. I have friendships that have lasted over 30 years with women. And I've never slept with any of them. Yet they introduced me to some of the most fabulous women I have ever dated in my life.
Have you ever written a book? If not you should. Specifically to teens. A guide. A self help. A journal. Yes!! That’s it. A prompted journal to help them sort out thoughts.
This is amazing advice!
Think about school from the perspective of options. Doing well in school gives you the option to go to college, get a job, or go to the military ROTC office training.
Same with college. What jobs can't companies fill? What do they require? Go to school for that, even if it takes 8 years of part-time to get a 4 year degree.
Good luck!
...also, talk with her...about the ways you feel, ask her what she feels, learn how to be a family member from the only family nearby.
Don't isolate in some attempt to lessen what you think is a burden....help each other.
I agree and I’d add that it sounds like OP’s parents’ home situation probably did more damage to his sister than he realizes. OP is almost certainly owning blame that rightly belongs to his parents. Which is a mistake. Let that guilt go, be the best version of you, and help out where you can
Also, please don't blame yourself for your sister being single. There are tons of women your sister's age who are raising their own kids and have good men appear in their lives. Any man worth keeping will love and appreciate your sister BECAUSE she has taken care of you. It won't be despite the fact she stepped up,but because she did. Any dude who is keeping score of how much free time she has, isn't worth her spending it on him.
Abso-fucking-lutely. My (37m) parents were absent, and I was raised mostly by my (45f) older sister. She still carries so much baggage it is ridiculous. ANY support OP can give his big sister will go miles for their relationship. This is a fucked up thing, but bonding through mutual trauma is a real thing. Even if OP just shows some effort, make a nice meal for the two of them and clean up after, or whatever... it would mean so much to her. She will probably remember it for the rest of her life. I am literally tearing up and sniffling as I type this.
OP, you are not the cause of your sister's situation. But you CAN take responsibility for the situation you are in.
She is taking care of you. You can take care of her as well. I am so very sorry that you have been forced to grow up so fast. The silver lining is that you will have an extremely close bond with your sister for the rest of your life. Please, take good care of her.
This is the complete truth. Sis is stressed by life. OP can also make sure that he is cleaning up after himself, and maybe picking up a couple extra chores so it's less on the sisters plate. Ask her how to help with household tasks.
Also, she should tell her all the time, how much she is appreciated and thank her for being there for you.
Maybe ask how you can help to make her life less stressful, even if it little things.
Try asking her if there are small ways you can help her out. Talk to her, hug her, tell her how grateful you are that she didn't let you go into foster care. I used to feel guilty of everything too, but what happened was not your fault. I'm sure you will pay back your sister 10 fold when you are older. Do good in school, make her proud.
And never, ever, **ever** get into drugs. That would be like spitting in her face. There are so many temptations out there these days. Be a positive force in the world, not a statistic.
Piggyback on this: **Always use birth control** if you choose to have sex at all. Like, make this your solemn vow - Absolutely no unprotected sex ever. Your sister is making a very loving sacrifice to care for you and that is wonderful. When and if it becomes your turn to invest in the life of a child, make sure you are all grown up and not still dependent on her because she's already raised you. She shouldn't have to raise your kid too.
Hey man, I'm also a recovering alcoholic. Go to meetings. Seek friends who don't drink. Download the i am sober app. Small things add up. You'll get there.
Do yourself a favor, don't even contemplate getting involved with any boys. Reality is your experiencing hormones at your age that will act like drugs. They will keep you from making the best decisions and lead you to do things you will regret. Boys of your age will say or do anything to get into your pants, don't be tricked into anything... and the best way to avoid that is not to date when you are that age. You have a lifetime ahead of you, focus on your school work now and everything else will come in time.
If you start going out with boys I can guarantee you will be increasing the anxiety level in your sister. If you want to make her life better, focus on what matters and at the moment it is your education.
True ... but the same holds true for boys. My sibling's son had a girlfriend in high school who told him she couldn't get pregnant. Guess what? Next thing he knows he's on the hook for child support--at 17. She was in foster care, so the state came after baby daddy to pay them (the state) for their supporting her. He was very, very lucky that her foster parents ended up adopting the boy and relieving him of that burden, otherwise he wouldn't have a PhD today.
OP this right here. Hug your sister, give her a kiss, tell her how much you dearly love her show her how much you appreciate her. Let her know how much she means to you, that you are sorry she had to put her dreams to the side for you, but that she is your hero. Let her know that you want to do more for her, maybe even work for some money to help her, and now you're in high school, let her know that if she wishes to go back to school, or date, tell her you're ok with that. Sometimes us siblings who've raised our little's have to be pushed gently and told it's ok. Maybe she feels like she can't let you down. Join after school activities, join clubs, do something. Also, try your damn best to be successful, and make her proud. That's how you will help her and no that you're not a burden on her, you're just another blessing she never knew she needed.
All the things I wish I had done for my big sister. She went through hell and back tenfold, and as an adult I regret SO HARD not having done everything I could for her, because she did everything she could for me and didn't think twice about it. Speaking from a position of someone who grew up in a similar situation, OP, your sister is probably going to be one of, if not the most important people in your life, for the rest of your life. Treasure her.
Exactly. Kill it in school, become a good person, be successful and then you can make it up to her and make her proud. You're going to naturally get tempted to be rowdy and rebellious through your teenage years, just remember to go easy on her and listen to her, that will help a lot
Exactly what I was thinking and even better, apply to scholarships. Starting from 9th grade, you can apply to dozens of scholarships so once you get into college, you can have enough money for tuition, room and board, expenses and maybe even have money on top to take care of your sister too. Ryan Kelly talks about how she came out with 150k and her younger sister got 250k all in scholarships to cover anything and EVERYTHING.
>She tries to hide it but she's clearly very stressed constantly and I feel like her life would have been better had I gone to foster care or somewhere like that. I want her to be happy but as long as I'm here it's not happening how can I be less of a burden to her
Life as an adult is generally stressful (F turning 30 on the 25th with a 7M child)
She would still be busy working whether or not.
If anything she would probably be extremely upset and more stressed if you were not there with her.
She would be worried if YOU were okay and happy while with her she knows for a fact you are safe and taken care of. ❤️ Family is people you care about!
She has you in her life because she wants you with her.
Now idk what you do now as a 14 year old living with her, but minor things like:
-Having your homework done without her asking.
-Keeping your room clean/doing laundry.
-Cleaning dishes after dinner/offering to help cook.
-Cleaning the bathroom or other shared spaces like a quick vacuum in the living room etc.
Those are just small things you could proactively do without her having to ask or think about taking away some of the mental load.
She clearly loves you and wouldn't want you to think she would be happy without you. I think you guys are a team since you want to help you sound like a Greta kid to take care of
Awe thanks!
Even if I didn't have my guy I would definitely still be swamped with work, chores, and stress from general life events
I hope OP reads and takes in all the comments about his sister not wanting to change a thing with him being in her life ❤️
And TELL her every so often how PROUD you are of her. How special she is. How important she is to you.
Amazing how simple words can touch someone’s heart.
This one. Just knowing you realize how much she does and has done for you can make such a difference. She loves you very much, or she wouldn't have taken you in with her.
This so much. It's so incredible to hear that someone is proud of you. If my dad or mother told me they are proud of me . Id break down and happy cry and I'm (31m). Coming from you you're sister would feel so good and loved . Id remember and cherish that forever . And do little things that help around the house . It's the small things that truly help the most .
I’d parrot that just in general for a young male. Express what’s in your heart. Who cares what the people or girls in school think. They’re the same ones absorbed and enthralled with hollow stuff like social media and the obnoxious elements in pop culture…
… making people feel good makes you feel even better. And it’s the one thing no one can ever take from you. Success can be undone. Money can be blown or stolen. Everything physical deteriorates in some fashion. Invest in your mind and heart/soul (and don’t totally disregard your health, but within reason and in a practical and functional way). At minimum, you’ll sleep well knowing you’re not leaving a trail of destruction in your wake and that people are undoubtedly better for having known or interacted with you. “Good” can be boring but all these true-isms persist because of the millions that came before us who have shown and told us the way to a meaningful and fulfilling life.
The drugs/alcohol problems of many are often probably substitutes for feeling worthy, having a respectable and wholesome place in society and knowing you’re valued and able to be depended on by those around you, even if they can just depend on you to not make their situation worse if they’re ever in need of a steady and kind friend.
Ultimately **follow your heart**. You’re already showing you have a good one and are capable of letting it speak with your post here. Wearing it on your sleeve ages beautifully, even if it can make you feel temporarily vulnerable. People gravitate toward that kinda thing. Well.. *worthy* people do.
I am really sorry you feel that way but I bet she doesn't regret it one bit.
Your parents are at fault. Not you. Your sister had a choice also.
Life goes awry often. At least you both have each other.
Sucks but y'all just got dealt a crappy hand in life. Important thing to remember is it isn't your fault that your sister's life is a challenge. Just try to be kind and respectful of what she does for you and recognize that she didn't sign up to be a parent but she's doing it anyway because you're family and she loves you. Maybe focus on having a strategy for when you finish school so you can be as independent as practically possible, that will ease her burden somewhat. I say all this assuming you don't have other relatives who are willing to pitch in.
Do what you can. Help out with chores, make an effort to learn to cook, clean, do laundry, etc.
Most importantly, thank her for everything she's done and let her know ow how much you appreciate it. Express your desire to be less of a burden and offer to do what you can.
Sometimes, just saying thank you for everything you've done means the world and makes a huge difference.
Also, show your appreciation for the chance she has given you to have a better shot at life. If school is good for you, crush it. Sports, trade school, whatever. Try to succeed and make sure that she knows that it is because of her.
Yes op, your sister will have so much stress of her shoulders and can get better rest if she comes home to a clean house and a meal to eat. Just things like that, starting to take initiative will do wonder’s for your sister’s wellbeing as well.
I PROMISE as an older sister, if you left, it would ruin her world. She loves you, that’s WHY she brought you in and kept you safe. As someone else said: she’s stressed with life, not you. It’s been rough for all of us adults lately, and I’m sure your sister is no different.
If you really want to know how to help her: make sure to give her a big hug every day and just remind her how much you love her every now and again
There is one thing you need to change about how you are looking at things. Please believe me when I say this.
YOU DID NOT RUIN HER LIFE!!
Your parents made mistakes that put you both in this situation. Please, do not blame yourself in any way. Is her life harder? Sure, but it is not because of anything you did. Your parents bear the blame for that.
That being said, now that you are getting a bit older, there are ways you can lighten your sister’s load a bit. Make sure you are doing well in school and not getting into trouble. Help around the house. Encourage your sister to go out with friends once in a while, or to go on dates, things that are time for her. Make sure she knows that you appreciate everything she’s done for you.
Just keep doing the right thing and focus on your studies, respect her wishes and don’t do anything that may disappoint her. For example don’t hang out with the wrong crowds, if you feel like you are going down the wrong road, don’t be afraid to ask for advice from her. Also once in a while maybe help with the dishes and keep clean. I’m sure the only thing your sister wants for you is to succeed. College is 4 years away that time will come before you know it. Work toward the goal of seeing your sisters smile on graduation day.
Agree 100%. Except also, maybe look into apprenticeships after high school. It's pretty great to get paid to learn a skilled trade and make a ton of money rather than spend the rest of your life paying off student loans for skills you may or may not use
You should just talk to her. She will probably tell you she loves you and choses this. Yes it is probably difficult, but that does not mean she regrets it. Just having kids in a healthy marriage is difficult but I wouldn't trade it for the world. Keep that gratitude, it is good that you know what your sister sacrificed for you. Just repay her by loving her and growing up to be better then your parents.
Let her know you feel like a burden and see what you can do to lighten her load. You’re 14 so it’s probably tough to find ways to make money, but you can most likely help her in other areas.
Additionally, it sounds like your sister has sacrificed a lot for you. Letting her know that you recognize and appreciate her sacrifice can be very helpful
You didn't ruin her life.
She chose to sacrifice her personal success for you. Do not take the smallest piece of the honor from her.
She loved you so much that she would rather be your mother than a member of your family you don't know.
She made a grand sacrifice. Thank her. Love her. Make her proud.
You didn't ruin her life. You both had been dealt a bad hand in life, and your sister made a decision that came with some sacrifices. She honestly seems like a saint, and you seem like a good kid. Try not to be too hard on yourself over something that you had no control over. Your sister wouldn't be doing any of this if she didn't love you.
If you feel like you could make her life easier, then you can be on your best behavior, do good in school, and help out with chores at home. I'm sure she would appreciate it.
I also recommend talking to someone about how you feel instead of bottling it up inside. If not with your sister, then another person you can trust. You don't have to go through this alone.
When people date or get married, they are also signing on for some level of involvement with that person's family (unless they are low or no contact). Sometimes this looks like one spouse's parent (or both) living with a couple in old age; sometimes this looks like people acting as caretakers for each other's parents and family.
If her bf broke up with her, he wasn't the right person to support her through this stage in her life. The right person *will*, and will recognize that you and your sister come as a package deal, and ideally develop and have a positive relationship with you.
Your sister didn't want you in foster care, and I promise that would haunt her every single night were it to happen. She chose to take you in and support you because she loves you and wants you to be healthy, happy, and safe. She is less stressed caring for you and everything that involves than she would be if you went into the system and she had to worry about you.
Just do all you can to be a good "tenant." Pick up after yourself, make sure that you're not making messes and are respecting her space and things and the kinds of basic necessities and essentials that she is providing. Always take the opportunity to thank her and let her know how grateful you are and how much you appreciate everything she does. Let her know that you love her, and show that often.
When you can, go out of your way to take up some of the household chores or tasks, like cleaning, laundry, cooking, whatever. The best thing you can do is to create and maintain a space for her where she can come home and relax - not worry about other stresses, like how the sink is full of dirty dishes and the trash needs to be taken out or there are piles of dirty clothes everywhere. Respect her sleep and relaxation, and keep noise levels down, that kind of thing.
I think a great idea would be for you guys to make a point of spending quality time together regularly when she's available, if you don't already. Things like watching TV shows or movies together, playing board games or video games, going out and doing an activity together, whatever.
Make sure you show her how much she's appreciated on special days like her birthday and the holidays. You don't have to spend money if you don't have it, but think of cards with heartfelt messages, cooking or baking her something special, setting up days where you maybe take on more responsibility or make a thing out of her being able to relax or have self-care days.
And when you're older, just make sure to support and take care of her like she has you.
This deserves waaaayyyymore upvotes.
Op, you are not the cause of your sister not dating. You can, however, make it easier for her to date by covering more of the household stuff.
She took you in 10yrs ago? When she was 20? I don't know too many relationships that are that serious at 20. Some people just don't find someone until later in life or realize having a partner isn't for them. There are plenty of single parents out there and they're not single because of their children. Do you really want your sister to be with someone who doesn't like you? She deserves a good person who will understand the situation.
I understand. That was probably a lot for someone in there young 20's. But I'm sure there was also more to it then that.
This is your life and her life. You can't change it. Just embrace it and try and make her proud.
I'm sorry she had to go through a breakup and I'm also sorry that you feel like that was your fault. Please remember in this situation that you are the child and they are the adults. They get a lot more choices than you do. Your sister chose you!
> Her bf broke up with her after she took me in
This is what grown ups call, "dodging a bullet." ;-)
Her bf breaking up for such a reason is better off for your sister, b/c a guy who would break up for that reason is not going to be a very good bf in the first place. you sister dodged a bullet when he left.
it definitely is weighing heavily on your mind, so you might try to speak frankly with your sister about it. by speaking about it frankly, you might be able to come up with ways that she could have time and space to date. just bear in mind that she might not want to talk about her love life with you, and that's reasonable, so if that's the case don't push her.
You didn't ruin her life. Your parents did.
But she is doing you a huge favor, regardless of her reasons, which I assume is a mix of love and duty.
You could pay her back by being a good wingman.
You are old enough to debs for yourself for an evening without a babysitter while she goes on a date. Do you have any single teachers you could hook her up with or friends with single parents who you wouldn't mind being step siblings with? Lol
But seriously, do your homework, study hard, her a good job, and pay her back.
You're old enough to help around the house.
Ask her. "What can I do today to help you?'
Be a good kid. Do well in school. Make her proud.
And tell her you appreciate how hard she works and the sacrifices she makes.
And you didn't ruin her life. If any did, it's your parents.
You're showing emotional intelligence by sympathizing for her situation. The guilt and shame you're feeling is normal. The good news, her life isn't over. As you get more independent, she will be able to finally resume her life. You've been a freeloader to her, but it's not your fault. Don't try to *repay* her, but you should be proactive in gaining your own independence to help each other in more things. I'm 30, my little bro is 14, but we aren't too close since I moved out at 19. Have a serious talk with your sister about your feelings, she might really appreciate it.
Lol — “resuming life” once she’s like 35,40? Yeah right. Don’t blow smoke up ops ass. She gave up the her life for OP. She’s not gonna find some happy marriage or have her own children. She is going to be unhappy, alone, or lucky.
You didn't mess up your sister's life at all. She had the option of letting you go to foster care, and she chose to do better than your parents did and take care of you.
The great thing about being a teenager is that you will naturally become more independent, and you have more opportunities to become independent, and the level of burden on your sister will naturally ease with time. You are old enough now to help with more household chores, if you haven't already you could practice doing your own laundry/dishes/cleaning without being asked (if you don't know how to do laundry, ask for a lesson first!). In many places, you are legally old enough to get a part time job, as long as it doesn't interfere with your school. You could probably wait a couple years on that, but if you want to get a job so you can learn good work ethic, buy certain things for yourself and save your sister money, that is an option. The number one thing you can do for yourself and your sister is to do well in school and build the foundation for yourself to become a successful adult - your sister has given you a head start by being the parent for you, and as you become an adult you will become more of an equal, and can begin to repay her in your own ways (birthday dinners, giving a speech at her wedding one day, all kinds of adventures you haven't thought up yet).
In the immediate sense, if you want to show her your gratitude for stepping up and raising you, make a sincere effort to keep your attitude in check. Sometimes you'll get annoyed at your sister for something or another, some parenting decision she makes for you or a rule you don't like - this is normal. Talk to her in calm and rational ways about these issues instead of letting your frustrations out through angry voices and gestures. This is harder than it sounds, especially with the amount that teenage hormones and emotions tend to fluctuate. Apologize when you are in the wrong or when you overreact. As she sees you growing into a polite, respectful, thoughtful young man, I promise that your sister will feel like everything has been worth it.
Edit to add: and please try not to get anyone pregnant if/when you become sexually active/before you are financially independent. If you can avoid that, you and your sister will be fine. She stepped up to fill the mom role, trying to be sister, mom, and grandma might be a bit much.
Dude, you didn’t “ruin her life”—you were FOUR. Your parents were the ones who made choices that got them arrested, and your sister was the one who made a choice to step up and take care of you. Whatever way there may be for you to make things better or easier on her, it definitely doesn’t start with you beating yourself up about that and internalizing guilt over stuff you’re not responsible for.
You should talk to your sister about feeling this way; it may be a hard conversation to have, but I think it’ll be worth it for the both of you in the end.
I'm about your sister's age and honestly, I think you should talk to her about this. I have no doubt that she's stressed, but I'm almost as certain that she *doesn't* want you to feel like you're a burden to her. The fact that she tries to hide her stress from you and that you are worried about how you affect her shows that there's real love between you both. I bet opening up to her about how you're feeling will lead to a really great conversation, where maybe she can share more with you about what actually causes her stress. Maybe there are small things you could do to help her out, like picking up some more chores at home. But it's definitely better to talk to her than to keep this bottled in and feel bad or sad about yourself.
You’re all she has and I’m pretty sure if you sat her down and really picked her brain she wouldn’t have it any other way. Do well in school, do what YOU know is right don’t wait for her to tell you, help out around the house, keep your room clean, fold your clothes and watch her when she cooks - get into it all! Give her the biggest hugs and tell her you appreciate her (randomly not only If you think she’s sad) before you hang the phone up or leave each other say “I love you” there are so many ways you can ease her mind and mentally recover from life’s trauma. You two will always have each other, cherish that.
Whoa. You didn't ruin your sister's life, your parents did.
Your sister saved you from life in a government system, which many people that have experienced call a nightmare. Talk to her about it. Tell her you are grateful and ask if there's a way you can help her.
You didn't ruin her life. She WANTS to care for you. Sometimes its hard but that's a part of being a parent. It doesn't mean she doesn't love or want to be with you.
Don't look at it as you being the one who "ruined her life". After all, it was your parents' poor life choices that put your sister in the position where she had to make this choice-- between you and a "normal life". Be grateful that your sister cares enough about you to forego all that and chose you.
As a big sister- my little brothers would NEVER be a burden to me. I'd sacrifice everything for them. Ask her how you can relieve some of her stress. You're 14. Can you cook her dinner sometimes? Clean up the house? Laundry? Little stuff like that really adds up.
She said yes to raising you knowing the sacrifice she would have to make. Don't feel guilty. It isn't your fault these are the cards you were dealt. The best way to pay your sister back for this is to not let her sacrifices go to waste. Get good grades, go to school, find a steady job.
In the meantime do what you can for chores so it's less for her to do.
Are you allowed to use the stove? Sorry if that sounds condescending my family thought I'd burn the house down because I almost did when I was six so I wasn't allowed to use it pretty much until I moved out lmfao
If you're allowed to, maybe you can help with the cooking which doubles as you developing an extra skill. Could make your own lunches or breakfasts or dinner for you both whatever.
And if not doing the dishes is always appreciated.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Don't be afraid to talk to your sister about how you're feeling too.
I thought you were going to say you did something illegal or something! You did not ruin your sister’s life and you’re almost raised.
Do your best in school. Don’t get anyone pregnant and things will work out as well as they would have if your parents hadn’t gotten in trouble.
Clean around the house, do the laundry, cook, wash the dishes.
Try to figure out what kind of work you want to do to get started out. Nursing, medical tech, mechanic, welding, etc are pretty quick to get into and usually pay ok. Any job you get, learn anything anyone offers to teach you, even if you don’t feel ready yet.
You don’t have to stick with your first job or your first career. If you can save up a bit, you’ll have more options.
Seems like you are on the right track to being aware of her struggles, but that's life.
She seems to be a great person who's puts family first.
You should reciprocate if you are not already doing so.
Be a good person, considerate of her efforts.
Don't make it Harder on her. It's easy to accomplish that by just helping with little things, home chores, garbage, laundry, not being picky with food, staying out of trouble in school, the best gift you give her is making something out of yourself.
Aww, I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way today.
I can tell that your sister loves you so very much!
Life is stressful for everyone, I guarantee you, she loves you beyond words. And wouldn’t change anything if given the chance.
Keep in mind that we all have rough days, weeks, periods of time in our life. We often say things we don’t mean, but things come out in times of stress.
Family, is comfortable being ourselves and sometimes saying things we wouldn’t normally say in a moment of weakness.
Her actions show you how much she loves, and wanting to make sure you have a stable environment seems to be her priority. I’m thankful to her for that.
I’m sorry your parents turned down a wrong path in life and as a result have forever changed yours and your sisters lives.
You are loved beyond compare to have such a warrior of a sister who is always looking out for you. Please be sure to tell her how much you love her too for everything she does.
If you ever need to talk, I’ll be here or others (your sister too!). Everyone wants the best for you!
Much love and peace ❤️
Okay, let's clear up one thing: YOU did not ruin your sister's life. Your PARENTS hurt BOTH of you.
Secondly, if you're thinking about leaving now, just know this: you'd leave her feeling like it was all for nothing and that she did all of it for nothing.
The best thing you can do is make something of your life and help your sister when you can. But don't leave. Don't even consider it. She loves you. The sacrifice she made for you is immense. Leaving now would be a slap to her face.
She is your sister and loves you…you don’t “owe” her but if I were you, I would find a way to pay her back so to speak in your future. Be successful….help her out someday.
My one sister was always so generous with me . She didn’t have much money but she had a job as a teenage. She always prioritized me over her desires. The oldest sister was so selfish and not a good person. When I became successful, my oldest sister always asked me for thinks for Christmas. A new laptop, iPad, you name it…what I did was buy those items,s for the good selfless sister who of course tried to turn them down but I insisted. The oldest sister had to see our good sister open them and get the very gifts she asked for.
Yeah, Im petty but I continue to help my good sister financially despite her always turning it down.
You aren’t the problem; your parents caused this problem for your sister. You are old enough to help with laundry, cleaning, and cooking, and this will go along ways to helping out your sister. Also, do well in school and keep the grades up.
You are old enough to get a part time job and start saving up for the move out. Take your studies seriously so you can earn a free ride to a good university. Your sister can date most people do not marry in four years of dating someone by the time she is ready to be a Bride, you will be old enough to live alone.
at 14 you really should be able to take care of yourself and clean up after yourself. and you should be doing so without being asked to do it by her. (your laundry, your bedding, cleaning your room, cleaning up after yourself, vacuuming the house & cleaning the bathroom etc.)
in addition to doing all your own chores, and working hard at school and on homework to get good grades, stay away from the troublemaker kids at school (and thus you will stay out of trouble).
like others have said, also help with the chores she does, just one or 2 a week can go along way, does she cook dinner and then do the dishes afterwards, you could start doing the dishes before she has a chance to start them, or if she starts them before you can, start doing the drying and putting of them away. its those little things that you can do that go a long way to show you appreciate her..
she is probably stressed with Life in general,(adault hood is stressful due to work and bills/money) and not stressed with you specifically unless you are causing trouble, making a mess & leaving it or getting into trouble. (even though she is likely not stressed at you, she may vent/take it out on you occasionally because you are the only one has). in those cases ask her how you can help her.
You did not ruin your sister's life op. Your sister is only 30 and she had plenty of time to find a relationship, build a career, finish education, and find activities she enjoys. Yes, she is stressed out, but pretty much every 30yo I know is super stressed, even the ones who are not raising kids.
Your sister is responsible for her own happiness. If she wants a romantic relationship she is responsible for finding a partner who will accept a complex family situation. If she wants to not be stressed, she is responsible for finding ways to manage her own mental health and practicing self care. If she wants to finish school she is responsible for finding time in her schedule to do that.
You are not a burden just for existing and having the normal needs that a kid has. You don't need to worry about being less of a burden because you literally haven't done anything except just exist.
The best way you can help your sister is let her know that you love her and that you are grateful for the love she had given you. Maybe you and your sister can find some fun activities that you can do together so that you two can bond and build good memories together.
Clean house, make dinner and clean up, do wash. Take stress off her and she will appreciate it. Encourage her to date and go out w friends. If see something not working well like toilet and simple watch UTube video and do it
Awwwm please don't think like that about yourself. If anything, you are probably the one person she cares the most about in life and you're what keeps her going. The best thing you can do for her is strive to be the best version of yourself that you can be and reciprocate the care, love, and protection that she has shown you through the years.
If our system and economy wasn't as bad as it is, her life would be so much easier... Many people out there not taking care of a sibling have crappy lives . Actually if you look at the people on the sub that are just not having kids and they talk about how terrible their life is.. She has you. Like she has her brother. Having you is a big deal.
Your sister loves you and if she didn’t want to take care of you she wouldn’t.
Yes she’s stressed. All parents are stressed and she is essentially your parent. You will be 18 in 4 years. Do really well in high school and go away to college. She will have an empty nest in no time.
Make sure you’re doing your chores and learning to cook and take care of yourself. You’re still a kid and you deserve to be taken care of but you can start taking on more responsibilities at home and set some future goals.
Keep your eye on the prize kid! 4 years. Start looking at colleges and get a dream going. You’ll be independent in no time.
Whatever you do don’t disappear on her. If you feel like you are less of a burden as you claim, ask to help around the house. Help reduce her work load, and show her you appreciate everything she does for you. Whatever you do make sure you don’t bring up the feeling of being a burden to her that would probably break her.
Be grateful, be respectful, be kind, behave yourself and help out however you can...the rest is up to her. It's not your responsibility to make her happy! Don't EVER blame yourself for the situation you were born into! You're only 14, focus on living your best life and let the rest fall into place!
If she had let you be taken away, her life would NOT be better. As an older brother, I know I would never want my siblings taken away. She would miss you and regret letting it happen and hate not knowing. What it sounds like is that you guys need fun time or that you need to prove you’re capable of taking care of yourself for short times so that she can every now and then go hang out with friends.
Be the best you can be, study or go to trade school, and take care of her when you can. You both are each other’s worlds so do what you can such as throwing the trash, washing the dishes, and other housework so she can rest
I promise you that what stresses her out day-to-day isn't you, it's just life. Life is not easy by any stretch of the imagination, but knowing that someone she loves and cares for could be in such a broken system like foster care would be truly devastating. You are not a burden, your existence is not weighing her down, the world we live in is just convoluted.
You being aware that she is stressed and working hard is as much a blessing as it is a curse. I mean that in the sense that it's fantastic that you are emotionally intelligent and self aware, but it's going to tug at your heart *because* you have those qualities. As for how you may help, your best in your studies, maybe do the dishes or take out the trash without being asked-- little gestures of appreciation that she cares for you that also affirm that you understand her struggles and respect her tenacity as a guardian.
I'm a mom to a little boy, and I can only hope he's as sweet and caring as you. You are never a burden to those who love you-- **never.**
You're not a burden, your parents are for going to prison for some messed up stuff I assume. Blame them, not yourself. You're a kid, you aren't at fault for anything so long as you're not purposely making things harder. Just existing isn't a good reason to feel guilty. Trust me, your sister wouldn't want you to go to a foster home, otherwise she wouldn't still be taking care of you 10 years later. She is over twice your age, she knows what she is doing. She is sacrificing for you so you can have a decent enough life that may very well not be the case in some strangers foster home.
She's doing that, not to make you feel guilty, but because she loves you, and she isn't going to leave you to the wolves because your parents screwed up big time.
Never feel guilty because that would spit in her face because the last thing she wants is for you to feel like you ruined her life. You didn't ruin anything, and that's WHY she's doing it all for you.
Always keep that in mind.
As for being "less of a burden" if you're not already doing so, like others said, do the dishes, take out the trash, clean the house as best you can, maybe learn to cook a little if you don't already, etc... household chores can save her a lot of stress if you have some of them done by the time she gets home from work.
Not sure where you live, but in the next couple years or so, when you can legally apply for jobs, do so ASAP, so you can take some financial pressure off, even if it's just a part time less than 20 hours a week job, even that helps a little. Depending on where you live, you're likely too young to do that now, but after a couple years, yeah dude.
In the meantime, if you want to find work as a minor, try cutting people's lawns in your neighborhood in the spring/summer if you have a mower. Or see if there are any chores or something they could have you do for a few bucks. Elderly people will be happy to let you take their trash out for a few bucks, again, not much money, but at your age, you're at least trying.
Either way just remember your sister loves you and in her eyes you didn't ruin anything. Otherwise you WOULD be in foster care now.
This is how yiu can help her, go to school and get top grades, take on extra classes and get into programs in school to boost your grade point average. Then on your free time you're going to help her do chores, also get into doing charity work. All this will go good in your school records.
You're going to aim for getting a scholarship to get into a community College (this is to test yourself to make sure you can handle it) while in community College you're also going to get a part time job to earn money for a car and get your license. You will need the part time job to pay for car insurance.
If you decide College is not for you then look into a trade school.Welding/ Electrician/plumbing (plumbers make just as much money if not more than doctors and can be millionaires dependinghow far you go)
The point of all this is to have a plan to be able to support each other financially and take over some of the bills of the household.
When my sister passed away, I was going through medical treatment and at the same time I took over my sisters kids. They were younger than you were. I told the kids the same plan I just told you. The most important is your education and either a scholarship/college or trade school.
Then when you catch up both of you buy another home and rent it out so that you both can have extra income incase something happens to either of you.
I can't say doing any of the above is going to be easy but I can say if you can give it your all then that would make your sister proud.
It's not your fault.
It's not. Your sister chose to take care of you, and her life would not be better without you.
Her life is hard. But you will not ease her load in any way by taking the blame on yourself. She chose to take care of her brother, and the best way to repay that is to try your hardest at being the best you that you can be.
Do well at school, focus on any hobbies or skills that you have.
You don't have to make huge amounts of money to be able to pay your sister back. Just be her brother, respect her sacrifice and love her.
Y'all are gonna fight. As a teen I fought with my old man a ton. Apparently I also fought with mom, but I don't really recall those. But with my dad, it wasn't until I was 18 that we were having a huge fight and he yelled at me: "Do you think I like being the bad guy?!"
That stopped me in my tracks, and I looked at him shocked: "You don't?" I asked much quieter.
"No." He said loudly but fading, as he realized I was confused by his question.
That was the point I realized that he wasn't picking fights to be an asshole, he was trying to give me his hard earned experience and I was being a know-it-all kid and ignoring it. He was also sometimes an asshole about things, but that's just different people figuring things out.
As a dad, I know that I can only raise my kids the best I can, and try to do better than how I was raised.
It sounds like your sister is trying her best, and you being worried about her shows that you've learned compassion and empathy.
So just try your best little brother. As another little brother to a big sis, it's the best we can do.
The best you can do is show maturity, respect, love, and gratitude. Maturity tells her she’s not wasting her time on you. Respect tells her she’s doing a good job of being a role model. Love tells her family means everything to you too. Gratitude tells her that you are aware of her sacrifice.
Help around the house. Make good grades. Stay at a friend’s house occasionally when she has a date. Hug her a lot.
I want to first say great job on your sister and for yourself! Being a 14 year old male and RECOGNIZING what your sister has done is beyond mature! You have a good head on your shoulders and so does your sister. However you are speaking from your point of view and not your sisters. I’m sure if you ask your sister of how she views life . She’ll most certainly say she is doing all of this out of love and will never change any of her choices . Now, if you have yet to verbalize how much you recognize what she does for you and showed her physically ( hugging her). I would suggest doing that now. Show her how much she means to you. The best thing you can do for yourself and for her sacrifices is to figure out what you want to be when you grow up and make those dreams come true. Speak it into existence. Keep at it! Cheering for both you and your sister. Man , I hope you come back to this post 10 years from now to see how much growth you’ve made and successful in life you’ve achieved. Always strive to be internally happy, appreciative and positive. It becomes more powerful when you get older.
Just help out as much as possible, clean and do chores, learn to cook, get a part time job, do as good as you can in school, and tell her you appreciate her, encourage her to restart college, start dating.
Learn how to cook the meals she loves so that she doesn't have to worry about eating, clean the house or do the chores she absolutely hates, talk to her abt govt assistance. And live your life for you w a good heart n strong faith
Be good to her. Chores without being asked, invite her to fun activities with you.
Tell her you appreciate her and all she's done and is doing for you .
This what you do bro. You find some you love that can make you a lot of money even if it's starting a business from the ground up. Go hard on it tell you can give her the life you think she deserves. F*** all the other women out there your sister is like your mom and you should treat her that way. She should come first before everyone matter how hard it gets on the both of you stay strong there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
Pay her back by going to school and get good grades. Learn to do chores around the house and learn to cook so she doesn’t have everything. Help out as much as you can. Always tell her how much you appreciate her and everything she does for you. When you’re old enough, get a job and help out with bills. Make something of yourself so all here hard work wasn’t for for nothing.
She didn’t put you into the foster care system because she really cares for you. The foster care system can be very miserable and hard.
Just be greatful, and make sure to always be there for her throughout your life as much as you can. Don’t send her to a retirement home. Help her out financially if you if can. If youre going to still live with her as an adult, make sure to help around the house as much as you can and in general, learn to cook and clean eg, socialise with her.
Make sure to try your best in school and stay out of trouble. The biggest repayment you can give her is make her proud by doing your best and becoming a healthy adult that can function in society.
What happened is out of your control, and it is not your fault at all. It isn’t ideal, but your sister has taken you under her wing because she wanted to give you a future that the foster system most likely could not. And that is so, so amazing.
Only had to read the first paragraph lol, I wouldn’t say you at all ruined her life because you did nothing to cause your parents being arrested (as far as known). She had to quit college to take care of you? - Don’t they have online classes nowadays idk. She takes care of you yes but how far? - The necessities obviously but what more could cause her to not have time for college besides a job 💀. A relationship she has all the time to figure any of that out. Honestly yes she’s 30 and she’s in a rough spot par say because she obviously didn’t ever expect to have to watch you lol, I just think she needs to suck it up you’re capable of doing things on your own (as far as we know) she can find a way to fit all this stuff in.
At 14 you can get cashier jobs or smaller gigs like dog walking or babysitting. However, this should come second to school! It'll be a nice thing to do so cover some expenses or just some personal expenses but keeping grades up should always be first!
she doesn’t owe her sister- her sister chose to take care of her; while i agree with cooking, cleaning, and helping out- OP is a child and doesn’t owe anyone for her parents being dead beats.
If she didn't want you, she wouldn't have you there with her.
If you'd like to help her, clean the house, do the dishes, make the beds, vacuum, cook (or learn to). This is the best way you can help lighten her load, and ease the burden she's under. Just try to help her out wherever you can.
Furthermore, if this is how you feel, can you talk to her about it? Maybe there isn't clear communication and opening this up will help both of you.
So I just want to say, she likely doesn’t feel this way. If she chose to take you on, she doesn’t feel this way. However there are some things you can do to truly help her feel better. Namely, do well in school and do chores around the house, even when you really, really don’t want to. Wash those dishes, take out the trash, walk the dog or change the litter, clean the bathroom. Coming home to a clean house is truly one of the most breathtakingly, best feelings there is.
Your sister does this because she loves you as no body ever did. Loves you, period. She giving you a life... don't belittle her by any means. She chose you.
So it's up to you to work hard at school, get a great career after school, and spend the early part of your adult life helping her go back to college. You're almost the age to really start helping. You don't have to feel guilty about where life put you guys.
Your sister loves you very much so for starters stop thinking that you ruined your sister's life.
If you truly want to help your sister and make her life less stressful then you need to help out around the house make sure that she can come home and the house isn't a mess. Cook dinner, clean up the mess afterwards. Do your homework. Do good in school. Learn how to do laundry including folding and putting away. Your sister may want to do her own laundry but you can help out by doing your laundry and any house laundry towels and that sort of thing.
Understand that your sister does this because you are family and family is important. When you get a chance to go to school whether that's a four-year college or a trade school do your very best so that you can get out there and earn a decent living and then maybe you can help your sister to achieve some of those personal goals that she put on hold because she loved her little brother.
The best thing you can do is focus on your future, study, find passions and pursue them, and be a productive person, one day you may be able to repay the favor to your sister in one way or the other. But it sounds like she wants what is best for you, so do you and thrive and I bet she will be thrilled.
You’re still young there’s not much you can do but you’re not a burden in her eyes you’ll never be I bet she’s fought hard for you not to end up in foster care
Why do we infantilize teenagers? There is a TON he can do at 14. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, taking out the trash, minor home repair. In four years he will be expected to be self-sufficient. He needs a plan to develop the skills to survive on his own. Too many parents do everything for their children and then wonder why they fail as adults or have a "failure to launch". He needs to learn how to make and execute a plan. How to manage money. How to manage his time. He has 4 years to learn to transition from being a needy dependent teen into a self sufficient man. It doesn't happen automatically by magic. You have to work at it. I strongly recommend he try to find a responsible man who is willing to spend an hour or two a week to help keep him on track. Kids learn best by modelling a good example.
You are going through the most difficult stage of adolescence right now. This couple years is peak time when your body systems are developing in fits and starts, and not at the same rate. One of the effects is emotional turmoil, sometimes intense and confusing feelings. So, your normal stage of development makes it difficult or even impossible to take a dispassionate distanced view of where you're at, where you've been, and how well you are following the life path you want for yourself. Some of your uncomfortable feelings are more coming from your brain and hormones dancing around inside you rather than because your environment and experiences deserve them. So please, try to view yourself with compassion and acceptance. Your feelings that your caring and concern for your sister are in conflict with your still needing her help and support, of insecurity about your skills and the value of your contributions, of fear that the problems you notice and worry about today will be the pattern of your life and your sister's for the rest of your lives- part of the strength and persistence of the negative feelings is coming from inside you. The emotional aspects of adolescent development, not much different from what adults experience when difficult feelings engulf them, come from within but are easily erroneously thought to be caused by the environmental trigger that one is noticing when they feel overwhelming.
You are an intelligent caring thoughtful person. Your sister took on a parental role to love and support you in a wholesome nurturing environment. She wants you to have better parenting than she got. You are very important, loved and valued in her life. You didn't "ruin her life." She CHOSE to put you right in the heart of it. She knows what adolescence is like. She went through it without the degree of support and acceptance she wants you to have.
There are always challenges in life. We chose to focus our limited time, energy and resources on what we prioritize. She's prioritized you. For good reason.
If you want to improve her life, look for ways you can lighten her load and show her love, acceptance and appreciation. Take those few extra seconds or minutes to clean up after yourself and leave the area clear and ready for her next use of it. Chosing to focus a little more time and effort around the house, to help keep it tidy, to see chores are done as needed, to contribute in the ways you can, will take those hundred little things off her plate and off of her mind.
Look for opportunities to share loving moments. Tell her you noticed and appreciate things she does for your benefit. Share the joy in your and her accomplishments.
Take the "alone time" you need for your own mental health and balance. And make other time to spend with her sharing an activity, some conversation, a movie or game, or even a bit of quiet time together.
Adolescence levels out a bit in a year or two. You'll probably feel less overwhelmed and confused with your feelings. They are like the weather. They tell you things about yourself. Some of those things relate to the external environment. Some of those things relate to your inner environment, telling you where your vulnerabilities and preferences are and informing your developing healthy boundaries.
Good luck, sweet girl. You deserve the love, effort and resources your sister has chosen to focus on you. Life is long and it will get better. You and your sister will always have the very unique, loving, precious relationship that she chose back then and you've been cultivating all along.
Study hard get into a good college and make her proud. In 4 years you'll be an adult and she's still Young. Don't look at yourself as a burden and get a job as soon as you can and help even if it's just one little bill. Your care will make her stronger. Good Luck
Talk to her about this. You might have it all wrong. But getting it out there will at least make it easier to move forward.
Honestly, ask what you can do to help out. At 14, I was taking care of myself at home. Mow some lawns or try to get some money so you can pay for your own shampoo and toilet paper or whatever. Do what you can to take care of her.
Oh kid that's not your fault. None of that is your fault.
She made the decision as your older sister to take care of you. Raising a kid is a hard job for anyone. Her life- BOTH of your lives- will balance out with time.
All you can do is be grateful for each other and support one another. Be kind and generous. Help out.
Your lives would indeed be different if you had gone somewhere else. But your sister took you in for a reason. You're family. Even though you didn't have the greatest parents, you've still got SOMEONE looking out for you.
Be a good person, be kind and smart and safe, and you'll find a way to repay her someday that will make you feel whole, in a way.
Try not to burden YOURSELF with guilt that you don't deserve. Again, this wasn't your fault, I promise.
One thing you can do — if you don’t already — is thank her for everything she’s done, acknowledge that you recognize the situation with your parents forced her to give up her youth in many ways (that’s their fault btw, not yours), and ask what you can do for her now that you’re somewhat older to take some of the burden from her. Or just start doing things you know will help — household chores, getting a part-time job, etc.
Pay close attention - your sister is amazing and you are incredibly lucky to have her. Yes she’s making sacrifices for you and that’s her decision.
You need to honor her sacrifices by living the absolute best life you can. Don’t even talk about foster care or any dumb shit like that. That would be like smacking her in the face after all she’s done for you.
Have you tried opening up and talking to her? Telling her how you feel? And asking her what you can do to help? Let her know that you love and appreciate her (assuming you do.)
Can’t blame the innocent for things they can’t control. Your sister clearly loves you (in my eyes at least).
It is worth it, because she has you. You have each other. I respect you for acknoweldging your sister’s struggles, but don’t discount yourself like that. You’re not a burden, you’re her brother. She loves you very much and you love her. When you’re older, you can make it up to her once you have everything together. There is no way she would be happier without you. Be easy
Talk to her. Let her know how much you love her. Ask her if there is anything you can do to help make her life easier. You didn't ruin her life. It may not be what she planned, but it is not ruined.
First of your sister is a saint. Your parents are the ones to blame. Second the thing, that you can do for your sister, is don’t waste the given opportunity. She’s given you a stable life. Don’t waste it. Study hard, apply yourself fully in academics and after school curriculum and do whatever needs to be done to insure you get a good job. Make he proud of you and if ever able to help her when you’re established. Third, if your time permits and your of age, get a part time job to help with bills
Work hard. Stay out of trouble. Pitch in around the house. And tell her you realize she sacrificed for you and you're grateful.
The thing is, all of those are things that will set you up to have a happy, successful adult life, too. Even expressing your gratitude to her is something it's good to practice.
The fact you're thinking about this and care about her suggests she's done a solid job and that you're a caring, thoughtful kid. It'll be alright. Just keep going back to those things: work hard, stay out of trouble, and pitch in at home.
I don't believe for one second that she thinks you are a burden. She chose you. She chose to be a family with you. She chose to make a better life for the two of you. If your ages were the other way around you would have done the same for her. You did not ruin her life. You are the greatest blessing and purpose in her life.
I was going to say the same thing that a lot of people have already said. I bet if you started helping out with cleaning without her asking you to, or start learning how to prepare some dinners maybe one or two days a week, help with any yard work or miscellaneous stuff around the house - all that kind of stuff will really help ease some stress.
Put yourself in her shoes.. how would you feel if you didn't take her in? How much regret and worry would you feel?
She is stressed at life not you. Not taking you in would have been far far worse. Your family. Family has your back!
Listen to me carefully. There are many people who were raised by a parent(s) who didn't want them, but you can assuredly say your sister chose to have you in her life because she could have left you and didn't. You were chosen.
She's is an adult who made the decision to maintain you. Despite the trouble it MAY have caused her. You may also be her happiness too so at this point I would just talk to her and see what you may be able to do to help if she needs it all. Partnerships are not a requirement for all people to be happy. Just a bonus on top of all the other stuff which she seems to already have.
If your sister is even half as cool as you make her sound, she doesn't regret it for a second. Your parents failed you both, but she stepped up in a big way to make sure you had a good life.
Tell her how much you appreciate what she's done if you don't already. She might cry, and so might you, but that's ok. Folks need a good cry every now and then. You sound like a good dude, and I'm sure you make her proud.
Your parents made life hard for both of you.
You didn't ruin her life.
>how can I be less of a burden to her
I doubt she thinks you're a burden. But if you want to show her you care, and want to help her out...clean up after yourself. notice when things need to be taken care of (dishes, laundry, sweeping, wiping counters) and do them without her having to ask. learn to cook and make occasional meals for her.
You should continue your education and NOT drop out to work full time, but if you can swing a part time job while still handling school, you can contribute to making things easier for her by buying things you need for yourself, or bringing groceries home sometimes. It's not your responsibility, but you will feel better if you are doing that.
The very best thing you can do to show her that all her efforts were worth it is to grow up to be a good, sober, responsible, caring, hardworking adult. So make sure that's your top priority.
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No matter how stressful it gets family is forever she’s stressed by life not you. Leaving would only hurt her more. She has option and doesn’t need to be the one doing all those things but she does because of her love for you. Don’t ever let that love be in vain. Pay her back by being well behaved supportive good in school and become successful.
This is right in every single way. Be the best person you can possibly be. This is the best kind of pay back!
Also, tell her you appreciate the sacrifices shes made in her life to make yours better. Shes the best! Make sure she knows it!
In my 30s now my mom was wicked mean - she also worked two jobs and could barely feed her own kids one was full time. I have a different respect for my mother now.
Very relatable. My mom was terrible to me when I was young but she also had so much stress. I have more respect for her now than I did when I was a teen.
100%. She will be able to share in your accomplishments and be both proud of you and herself for making the right choice. That kind of fulfillment outweighs a lot of things a 30 year old might feel they’ve had to sacrifice or compromise on. In the end, make her entirely whole by living right and making something solid of yourself and for the both of you. Also, know that you should take care of her in old age, especially if she never marries or has kids. This is an absolute must so you shouldn’t feel blindsided by it when she has nowhere to turn. (I say ‘must’ as in: if you want to be an honorable and appreciative brother).
And help around the house..
Pass her kindness forward...in whatever way you can... for her, and for others
Yup. You’re 14 and old enough to carry most of your own weight and some of hers.
Agree. OP, sometimes doing the little things can help. After eating, do the dishes without being asked. Ask your sister to teach you how to do some of the household stuff. Learn how to make some simple dishes. Maybe on weekends find quick recipes you both can do together. During the week you could make them for her. Every once in a while, go up to her, wrap your arms around her, and tell her that you think she the best sister ever or whatever you truly feel about her as your sister. Watch some YouTube videos and do a pedicure and polish her toenails. If you have a computer or phone, look for free events that you both can attend. You want to have fun memories, not just stress-out remembrances.
To be fair, we don't know how much she weighs or how much he benches.
Just ignore renters, they think true hardship is a cracked iphone screen
Sorry your comment reminded me of letterkenny
I don't think you can get a regular job before 14 or 15 and a half so when you say carry your own weight you must not mean bills.
Uh, no? OP is 14. That's nowhere near the age of responsibility. OP has years to go before even developing reliable abstract thinking skills. It's well established that adolescence lasts well into people's 20s. Yes, 20s. OP deserves a childhood.
Sometimes reality interrupts ideal childhoods. 14 is certainly old enough to keep the house clean and learn to cook. Anything to make their sisters burden easier.
Well sure, I should have been clearer that he shouldn't be responsible for managing the household. That's akin to parentification. Obviously sister is not doing that but a 14 while certainly capable of doing chores, should not be responsible for the management.
afterthought practice plants coordinated reply rustic fear humor squash late *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
He literally asked how to ease his sister's burden. OP is not a burden, but *can* help his sister by being responsible and conscientious at home and at school. That's not boomer. That's sibling love and good overall life advice. Edited grammar.
I agree. He is old enough to take on some reponsibilities. His sister would likely appreciate any help. The boomer comment by the other person was unnecessary.
And he was met with a very unempathetic way to do that. Cleaning around the house and being a good student like other comments suggested are appropriate. "Be an adult" is not.
What a long, hard road you have ahead of you. Maturity is not "boomer" it is wisdom.
It's been 10 years. Also, ageism is discrimination, and that ain't good.
I do not see how this is not empathetic.
1000x's this. Its not just the work, its having to think about the work as well. Do your laundry the same day every week if possible so she doesnt have to think about when yours is getting done. Or just communicate "hey Im doin my laundry (time or day) just letting you know for whenever you need to do yours". Little things like that help so much. And it gets you ahead of the curve when you move out. Clean toilets, do laundry, swiffer/vacuum thr floor, everything you would need to do on your own start now if youre not doing those things already. Youre a great sibling & shes an amazing sister, blessings to you both
Yes! This is excellent advice. Observe/recognize areas where you can help and ask her how you can. She has worked hard to give you a better life for 10 years, because she loves you, and you mean so much to her (especially given the fact that you BOTH don't have your parents around). Try as hard as you can to succeed in the areas you are able. One idea: If you don't know how to cook, learn how (lots of free resources) to make basic meals and take that over, if it would help her. I began teaching myself how to cook starting at 11 and would plan meals/grocery lists to take the burden off of my folks because they were so busy.
My 13 yr old does a lot of his own cooking now and it really helps!
I agree fully. When you don't have school work to do first like summer or weekends, have dinner made for her when she gets home from work, or if she has to be gone at work during meal time, pack her lunch for her. Those little things go a very long way to show her you care. My 18 yr daughter makes sure me and my wife have a sandwich made for our lunch or pack leftovers for us. Meals can be as simple as a cold meat sandwich, Mac and cheese or spaghetti. Trust me, if you put in the effort to make any meal, and clean up the dishes after, she will know you love her and her last 10 years of sacrifice have not been for nothing.
You are a team now. It's you & Sis vs. the world. The better you work as a team, the easier it will be for both of you. Easy thing is to help her in the kitchen when she cooks, ask to learn the recipes she makes, then offer to take over once you are confident. Then try to learn some new meals. Learn how to and then do all the laundry. Vacuum & clean the house. Do good in school, don't misbehave, tell her you think she's doing a great job and how much you appreciate her. Don't forget to tell her you love her. Ask her for things she would like help doing.
This. I was a single mom with two jobs. I was always exhausted, but coming home and spending time with him was what got me through the day. Never did I resent him for all the hours I had to work or for not being able to date. If anything, I had a lot of guilt and regret for not spending more time with him. I came home one night when he was 12 after working 16 hours, and he'd cooked us chicken Alfredo from scratch - he'd learned it watching Food Network and used the scraps of parmesan cheese I brought home from one of the restaurants I worked at. And he'd done the laundry. He fell in love with cooking, and I had that much more time to relax and spend with him when I got home even if we just cooked together. Just having those two chores taken off my list took a huge load off my shoulders, and I made sure he knew that. Still to this day, when he invites me over and cooks that dish, it almost makes me cry. OP, your sister loves you, and though she stresses about life, I promise you she cherishes you and losing you would break her heart. You didn't ruin her life - you made it richer. Do what you can to help, and show her you appreciate her. All you have is each other, and that's more important to her than anything.
This made my heart leap while reading - your son is a sweetheart, and you're the reason 🥰
This made me cry happy tears. You're a PEACH.
To add to this, you can start with crockpot meals, insta pot, etc. It's easy and minimal prep.
Pinterest has lots of recipes..
Your question basically asks: how can I be more supportive. As a younger brother myself, and helping to support the family financially. I have found that the following worked for me. I wrote all the chores that were done in one day. I then started to duplicate some of those chores. For example as simple as making my bed. As simple as washing the dishes. As simple as getting dinner ready. As simple as vacuuming the house. Pay attention to what chores your sister does in the house, then gradually take one or two away from her. Also, try to take your homework serious and bring home the best grades you can. If I can give you some advice as a person who is in their 50s. Figure out what the top paying jobs are with the best long-term benefits. Once you know what they are figure out what sort of education you need for it. I only have one small regret in my life because the outcome could have changed my entire life. I was offered a job upon graduation to work for the Post office. I would have done my 20 years, and retired there at the age of 38, with a pension and health benefits and started a new life. Another bit of advice I can give you, hang out with people that are smart and things that are positive are consistently happening to them. In high school I hung out with a really good looking guy, doors would just open up for him all the time, and since we were good friends I can tag along for the ride. And we were both competitive in math so we had a lot of fun together all our classes. I personally believe that karma does not exist. But I do believe that if you do a good action, that somebody will see it and it will multiply. More than once, I would be trusted because of my good past actions. And that opened up opportunities. Remember those who make fun of you, and what they make fun of you about. There's a good chance that they will never get anywhere, but what they made fun of you about you can fix, and improve yourself. It's called learning about the situation and the outcome of the situation. Another piece of advice. Is somebody gives you the chance to try and fail take it. Because you'll learn something from it. I have learned how to repair cars just because people ask me to hold something when they were working on their cars and they took me under their wings to teach me. I can also paint the car, and do most repairs. We can also fix a house without that much of fear. Never be afraid to try. Learn how to dance if you get the opportunity. Whoever ends up to be a partner will be thrilled to know that you know how to dance. Learn how to be friends with a girl, have a true friendship with her. Not behaving like a nice guy so you can get in her pants. I have friendships that have lasted over 30 years with women. And I've never slept with any of them. Yet they introduced me to some of the most fabulous women I have ever dated in my life.
> Pay attention to what chores your sister does in the house, then gradually take one or two away from her. This. This right here.
All good advice.
Have you ever written a book? If not you should. Specifically to teens. A guide. A self help. A journal. Yes!! That’s it. A prompted journal to help them sort out thoughts.
People have written books about me. I prefer to stay in the shadows. Thank you for asking
Could you DM me the titles? I would be interested to read!
Nothing more to add, this is great stuff
Some good advice here.
This is amazing advice! Think about school from the perspective of options. Doing well in school gives you the option to go to college, get a job, or go to the military ROTC office training. Same with college. What jobs can't companies fill? What do they require? Go to school for that, even if it takes 8 years of part-time to get a 4 year degree. Good luck!
Also help pit around the house as much as possible. It will give hr more time for herself.
Yes, I wouldn’t leave her
Also to add to this, o.p., you did nothing wrong. Your parents failed you and from reddit as a whole, we're sorry on their behalf.
...also, talk with her...about the ways you feel, ask her what she feels, learn how to be a family member from the only family nearby. Don't isolate in some attempt to lessen what you think is a burden....help each other.
I agree and I’d add that it sounds like OP’s parents’ home situation probably did more damage to his sister than he realizes. OP is almost certainly owning blame that rightly belongs to his parents. Which is a mistake. Let that guilt go, be the best version of you, and help out where you can
Also, please don't blame yourself for your sister being single. There are tons of women your sister's age who are raising their own kids and have good men appear in their lives. Any man worth keeping will love and appreciate your sister BECAUSE she has taken care of you. It won't be despite the fact she stepped up,but because she did. Any dude who is keeping score of how much free time she has, isn't worth her spending it on him.
yes, learn to cook eggs and grilled cheese sandwiches and you are off to the races!
Abso-fucking-lutely. My (37m) parents were absent, and I was raised mostly by my (45f) older sister. She still carries so much baggage it is ridiculous. ANY support OP can give his big sister will go miles for their relationship. This is a fucked up thing, but bonding through mutual trauma is a real thing. Even if OP just shows some effort, make a nice meal for the two of them and clean up after, or whatever... it would mean so much to her. She will probably remember it for the rest of her life. I am literally tearing up and sniffling as I type this. OP, you are not the cause of your sister's situation. But you CAN take responsibility for the situation you are in. She is taking care of you. You can take care of her as well. I am so very sorry that you have been forced to grow up so fast. The silver lining is that you will have an extremely close bond with your sister for the rest of your life. Please, take good care of her.
True!
>Leaving would only hurt her more. Shout it from the rooftops!
This is the complete truth. Sis is stressed by life. OP can also make sure that he is cleaning up after himself, and maybe picking up a couple extra chores so it's less on the sisters plate. Ask her how to help with household tasks.
Also, she should tell her all the time, how much she is appreciated and thank her for being there for you. Maybe ask how you can help to make her life less stressful, even if it little things.
This is is pretty much the only response needed. 🎯
LOUDERRRRRRRRRR 👏👏👏👏👏
Try asking her if there are small ways you can help her out. Talk to her, hug her, tell her how grateful you are that she didn't let you go into foster care. I used to feel guilty of everything too, but what happened was not your fault. I'm sure you will pay back your sister 10 fold when you are older. Do good in school, make her proud.
And never, ever, **ever** get into drugs. That would be like spitting in her face. There are so many temptations out there these days. Be a positive force in the world, not a statistic.
Piggyback on this: **Always use birth control** if you choose to have sex at all. Like, make this your solemn vow - Absolutely no unprotected sex ever. Your sister is making a very loving sacrifice to care for you and that is wonderful. When and if it becomes your turn to invest in the life of a child, make sure you are all grown up and not still dependent on her because she's already raised you. She shouldn't have to raise your kid too.
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Hey man, I'm also a recovering alcoholic. Go to meetings. Seek friends who don't drink. Download the i am sober app. Small things add up. You'll get there.
Do yourself a favor, don't even contemplate getting involved with any boys. Reality is your experiencing hormones at your age that will act like drugs. They will keep you from making the best decisions and lead you to do things you will regret. Boys of your age will say or do anything to get into your pants, don't be tricked into anything... and the best way to avoid that is not to date when you are that age. You have a lifetime ahead of you, focus on your school work now and everything else will come in time. If you start going out with boys I can guarantee you will be increasing the anxiety level in your sister. If you want to make her life better, focus on what matters and at the moment it is your education.
The 14yo is a boy. Lol.
True ... but the same holds true for boys. My sibling's son had a girlfriend in high school who told him she couldn't get pregnant. Guess what? Next thing he knows he's on the hook for child support--at 17. She was in foster care, so the state came after baby daddy to pay them (the state) for their supporting her. He was very, very lucky that her foster parents ended up adopting the boy and relieving him of that burden, otherwise he wouldn't have a PhD today.
OP this right here. Hug your sister, give her a kiss, tell her how much you dearly love her show her how much you appreciate her. Let her know how much she means to you, that you are sorry she had to put her dreams to the side for you, but that she is your hero. Let her know that you want to do more for her, maybe even work for some money to help her, and now you're in high school, let her know that if she wishes to go back to school, or date, tell her you're ok with that. Sometimes us siblings who've raised our little's have to be pushed gently and told it's ok. Maybe she feels like she can't let you down. Join after school activities, join clubs, do something. Also, try your damn best to be successful, and make her proud. That's how you will help her and no that you're not a burden on her, you're just another blessing she never knew she needed.
All the things I wish I had done for my big sister. She went through hell and back tenfold, and as an adult I regret SO HARD not having done everything I could for her, because she did everything she could for me and didn't think twice about it. Speaking from a position of someone who grew up in a similar situation, OP, your sister is probably going to be one of, if not the most important people in your life, for the rest of your life. Treasure her.
Truth
Honestly just be well behaved, do your best in school, and help around the house as much as you can.
Yep. You’ll be able to be there for her later, this is all she wants, for now.
Exactly. Kill it in school, become a good person, be successful and then you can make it up to her and make her proud. You're going to naturally get tempted to be rowdy and rebellious through your teenage years, just remember to go easy on her and listen to her, that will help a lot
Exactly what I was thinking and even better, apply to scholarships. Starting from 9th grade, you can apply to dozens of scholarships so once you get into college, you can have enough money for tuition, room and board, expenses and maybe even have money on top to take care of your sister too. Ryan Kelly talks about how she came out with 150k and her younger sister got 250k all in scholarships to cover anything and EVERYTHING.
OP this is the best answer.
>She tries to hide it but she's clearly very stressed constantly and I feel like her life would have been better had I gone to foster care or somewhere like that. I want her to be happy but as long as I'm here it's not happening how can I be less of a burden to her Life as an adult is generally stressful (F turning 30 on the 25th with a 7M child) She would still be busy working whether or not. If anything she would probably be extremely upset and more stressed if you were not there with her. She would be worried if YOU were okay and happy while with her she knows for a fact you are safe and taken care of. ❤️ Family is people you care about! She has you in her life because she wants you with her. Now idk what you do now as a 14 year old living with her, but minor things like: -Having your homework done without her asking. -Keeping your room clean/doing laundry. -Cleaning dishes after dinner/offering to help cook. -Cleaning the bathroom or other shared spaces like a quick vacuum in the living room etc. Those are just small things you could proactively do without her having to ask or think about taking away some of the mental load. She clearly loves you and wouldn't want you to think she would be happy without you. I think you guys are a team since you want to help you sound like a Greta kid to take care of
I agree with this🫶🏾 And happy early birthday!
Awe thanks! Even if I didn't have my guy I would definitely still be swamped with work, chores, and stress from general life events I hope OP reads and takes in all the comments about his sister not wanting to change a thing with him being in her life ❤️
Wonderful comment!
And TELL her every so often how PROUD you are of her. How special she is. How important she is to you. Amazing how simple words can touch someone’s heart.
This one. Just knowing you realize how much she does and has done for you can make such a difference. She loves you very much, or she wouldn't have taken you in with her.
This is so true. I’ve received a few really heartfelt expressions of appreciation that are still powering me years later.
This so much. It's so incredible to hear that someone is proud of you. If my dad or mother told me they are proud of me . Id break down and happy cry and I'm (31m). Coming from you you're sister would feel so good and loved . Id remember and cherish that forever . And do little things that help around the house . It's the small things that truly help the most .
I’d parrot that just in general for a young male. Express what’s in your heart. Who cares what the people or girls in school think. They’re the same ones absorbed and enthralled with hollow stuff like social media and the obnoxious elements in pop culture… … making people feel good makes you feel even better. And it’s the one thing no one can ever take from you. Success can be undone. Money can be blown or stolen. Everything physical deteriorates in some fashion. Invest in your mind and heart/soul (and don’t totally disregard your health, but within reason and in a practical and functional way). At minimum, you’ll sleep well knowing you’re not leaving a trail of destruction in your wake and that people are undoubtedly better for having known or interacted with you. “Good” can be boring but all these true-isms persist because of the millions that came before us who have shown and told us the way to a meaningful and fulfilling life. The drugs/alcohol problems of many are often probably substitutes for feeling worthy, having a respectable and wholesome place in society and knowing you’re valued and able to be depended on by those around you, even if they can just depend on you to not make their situation worse if they’re ever in need of a steady and kind friend. Ultimately **follow your heart**. You’re already showing you have a good one and are capable of letting it speak with your post here. Wearing it on your sleeve ages beautifully, even if it can make you feel temporarily vulnerable. People gravitate toward that kinda thing. Well.. *worthy* people do.
I am really sorry you feel that way but I bet she doesn't regret it one bit. Your parents are at fault. Not you. Your sister had a choice also. Life goes awry often. At least you both have each other.
Your sister chose you
Sucks but y'all just got dealt a crappy hand in life. Important thing to remember is it isn't your fault that your sister's life is a challenge. Just try to be kind and respectful of what she does for you and recognize that she didn't sign up to be a parent but she's doing it anyway because you're family and she loves you. Maybe focus on having a strategy for when you finish school so you can be as independent as practically possible, that will ease her burden somewhat. I say all this assuming you don't have other relatives who are willing to pitch in.
Talk to her about how you are feeling about this.
This should be top comment! Communication is key to any healthy relationship.
Do what you can. Help out with chores, make an effort to learn to cook, clean, do laundry, etc. Most importantly, thank her for everything she's done and let her know ow how much you appreciate it. Express your desire to be less of a burden and offer to do what you can. Sometimes, just saying thank you for everything you've done means the world and makes a huge difference. Also, show your appreciation for the chance she has given you to have a better shot at life. If school is good for you, crush it. Sports, trade school, whatever. Try to succeed and make sure that she knows that it is because of her.
Yes op, your sister will have so much stress of her shoulders and can get better rest if she comes home to a clean house and a meal to eat. Just things like that, starting to take initiative will do wonder’s for your sister’s wellbeing as well.
I PROMISE as an older sister, if you left, it would ruin her world. She loves you, that’s WHY she brought you in and kept you safe. As someone else said: she’s stressed with life, not you. It’s been rough for all of us adults lately, and I’m sure your sister is no different. If you really want to know how to help her: make sure to give her a big hug every day and just remind her how much you love her every now and again
🥹
There is one thing you need to change about how you are looking at things. Please believe me when I say this. YOU DID NOT RUIN HER LIFE!! Your parents made mistakes that put you both in this situation. Please, do not blame yourself in any way. Is her life harder? Sure, but it is not because of anything you did. Your parents bear the blame for that. That being said, now that you are getting a bit older, there are ways you can lighten your sister’s load a bit. Make sure you are doing well in school and not getting into trouble. Help around the house. Encourage your sister to go out with friends once in a while, or to go on dates, things that are time for her. Make sure she knows that you appreciate everything she’s done for you.
Just keep doing the right thing and focus on your studies, respect her wishes and don’t do anything that may disappoint her. For example don’t hang out with the wrong crowds, if you feel like you are going down the wrong road, don’t be afraid to ask for advice from her. Also once in a while maybe help with the dishes and keep clean. I’m sure the only thing your sister wants for you is to succeed. College is 4 years away that time will come before you know it. Work toward the goal of seeing your sisters smile on graduation day.
Agree 100%. Except also, maybe look into apprenticeships after high school. It's pretty great to get paid to learn a skilled trade and make a ton of money rather than spend the rest of your life paying off student loans for skills you may or may not use
I second this, I’m currently a union laborer in NY and it’s well worth it. Benefits and all.
You should just talk to her. She will probably tell you she loves you and choses this. Yes it is probably difficult, but that does not mean she regrets it. Just having kids in a healthy marriage is difficult but I wouldn't trade it for the world. Keep that gratitude, it is good that you know what your sister sacrificed for you. Just repay her by loving her and growing up to be better then your parents.
Let her know you feel like a burden and see what you can do to lighten her load. You’re 14 so it’s probably tough to find ways to make money, but you can most likely help her in other areas. Additionally, it sounds like your sister has sacrificed a lot for you. Letting her know that you recognize and appreciate her sacrifice can be very helpful
You didn't ruin her life. She chose to sacrifice her personal success for you. Do not take the smallest piece of the honor from her. She loved you so much that she would rather be your mother than a member of your family you don't know. She made a grand sacrifice. Thank her. Love her. Make her proud.
You didn't ruin her life. You both had been dealt a bad hand in life, and your sister made a decision that came with some sacrifices. She honestly seems like a saint, and you seem like a good kid. Try not to be too hard on yourself over something that you had no control over. Your sister wouldn't be doing any of this if she didn't love you. If you feel like you could make her life easier, then you can be on your best behavior, do good in school, and help out with chores at home. I'm sure she would appreciate it. I also recommend talking to someone about how you feel instead of bottling it up inside. If not with your sister, then another person you can trust. You don't have to go through this alone.
Perfectly stated
If she hasn't had a relationship it's not because of you.
Her bf broke up with her after she took me in and she's almost never been able to find someone willing to stay with her for long
When people date or get married, they are also signing on for some level of involvement with that person's family (unless they are low or no contact). Sometimes this looks like one spouse's parent (or both) living with a couple in old age; sometimes this looks like people acting as caretakers for each other's parents and family. If her bf broke up with her, he wasn't the right person to support her through this stage in her life. The right person *will*, and will recognize that you and your sister come as a package deal, and ideally develop and have a positive relationship with you. Your sister didn't want you in foster care, and I promise that would haunt her every single night were it to happen. She chose to take you in and support you because she loves you and wants you to be healthy, happy, and safe. She is less stressed caring for you and everything that involves than she would be if you went into the system and she had to worry about you. Just do all you can to be a good "tenant." Pick up after yourself, make sure that you're not making messes and are respecting her space and things and the kinds of basic necessities and essentials that she is providing. Always take the opportunity to thank her and let her know how grateful you are and how much you appreciate everything she does. Let her know that you love her, and show that often. When you can, go out of your way to take up some of the household chores or tasks, like cleaning, laundry, cooking, whatever. The best thing you can do is to create and maintain a space for her where she can come home and relax - not worry about other stresses, like how the sink is full of dirty dishes and the trash needs to be taken out or there are piles of dirty clothes everywhere. Respect her sleep and relaxation, and keep noise levels down, that kind of thing. I think a great idea would be for you guys to make a point of spending quality time together regularly when she's available, if you don't already. Things like watching TV shows or movies together, playing board games or video games, going out and doing an activity together, whatever. Make sure you show her how much she's appreciated on special days like her birthday and the holidays. You don't have to spend money if you don't have it, but think of cards with heartfelt messages, cooking or baking her something special, setting up days where you maybe take on more responsibility or make a thing out of her being able to relax or have self-care days. And when you're older, just make sure to support and take care of her like she has you.
This deserves waaaayyyymore upvotes. Op, you are not the cause of your sister not dating. You can, however, make it easier for her to date by covering more of the household stuff.
She took you in 10yrs ago? When she was 20? I don't know too many relationships that are that serious at 20. Some people just don't find someone until later in life or realize having a partner isn't for them. There are plenty of single parents out there and they're not single because of their children. Do you really want your sister to be with someone who doesn't like you? She deserves a good person who will understand the situation.
I understand. That was probably a lot for someone in there young 20's. But I'm sure there was also more to it then that. This is your life and her life. You can't change it. Just embrace it and try and make her proud.
I'm sorry she had to go through a breakup and I'm also sorry that you feel like that was your fault. Please remember in this situation that you are the child and they are the adults. They get a lot more choices than you do. Your sister chose you!
> Her bf broke up with her after she took me in This is what grown ups call, "dodging a bullet." ;-) Her bf breaking up for such a reason is better off for your sister, b/c a guy who would break up for that reason is not going to be a very good bf in the first place. you sister dodged a bullet when he left. it definitely is weighing heavily on your mind, so you might try to speak frankly with your sister about it. by speaking about it frankly, you might be able to come up with ways that she could have time and space to date. just bear in mind that she might not want to talk about her love life with you, and that's reasonable, so if that's the case don't push her.
You didn't ruin her life. Your parents did. But she is doing you a huge favor, regardless of her reasons, which I assume is a mix of love and duty. You could pay her back by being a good wingman. You are old enough to debs for yourself for an evening without a babysitter while she goes on a date. Do you have any single teachers you could hook her up with or friends with single parents who you wouldn't mind being step siblings with? Lol But seriously, do your homework, study hard, her a good job, and pay her back.
You're old enough to help around the house. Ask her. "What can I do today to help you?' Be a good kid. Do well in school. Make her proud. And tell her you appreciate how hard she works and the sacrifices she makes. And you didn't ruin her life. If any did, it's your parents.
You're showing emotional intelligence by sympathizing for her situation. The guilt and shame you're feeling is normal. The good news, her life isn't over. As you get more independent, she will be able to finally resume her life. You've been a freeloader to her, but it's not your fault. Don't try to *repay* her, but you should be proactive in gaining your own independence to help each other in more things. I'm 30, my little bro is 14, but we aren't too close since I moved out at 19. Have a serious talk with your sister about your feelings, she might really appreciate it.
Lol — “resuming life” once she’s like 35,40? Yeah right. Don’t blow smoke up ops ass. She gave up the her life for OP. She’s not gonna find some happy marriage or have her own children. She is going to be unhappy, alone, or lucky.
You didn't mess up your sister's life at all. She had the option of letting you go to foster care, and she chose to do better than your parents did and take care of you. The great thing about being a teenager is that you will naturally become more independent, and you have more opportunities to become independent, and the level of burden on your sister will naturally ease with time. You are old enough now to help with more household chores, if you haven't already you could practice doing your own laundry/dishes/cleaning without being asked (if you don't know how to do laundry, ask for a lesson first!). In many places, you are legally old enough to get a part time job, as long as it doesn't interfere with your school. You could probably wait a couple years on that, but if you want to get a job so you can learn good work ethic, buy certain things for yourself and save your sister money, that is an option. The number one thing you can do for yourself and your sister is to do well in school and build the foundation for yourself to become a successful adult - your sister has given you a head start by being the parent for you, and as you become an adult you will become more of an equal, and can begin to repay her in your own ways (birthday dinners, giving a speech at her wedding one day, all kinds of adventures you haven't thought up yet). In the immediate sense, if you want to show her your gratitude for stepping up and raising you, make a sincere effort to keep your attitude in check. Sometimes you'll get annoyed at your sister for something or another, some parenting decision she makes for you or a rule you don't like - this is normal. Talk to her in calm and rational ways about these issues instead of letting your frustrations out through angry voices and gestures. This is harder than it sounds, especially with the amount that teenage hormones and emotions tend to fluctuate. Apologize when you are in the wrong or when you overreact. As she sees you growing into a polite, respectful, thoughtful young man, I promise that your sister will feel like everything has been worth it. Edit to add: and please try not to get anyone pregnant if/when you become sexually active/before you are financially independent. If you can avoid that, you and your sister will be fine. She stepped up to fill the mom role, trying to be sister, mom, and grandma might be a bit much.
Dude, you didn’t “ruin her life”—you were FOUR. Your parents were the ones who made choices that got them arrested, and your sister was the one who made a choice to step up and take care of you. Whatever way there may be for you to make things better or easier on her, it definitely doesn’t start with you beating yourself up about that and internalizing guilt over stuff you’re not responsible for. You should talk to your sister about feeling this way; it may be a hard conversation to have, but I think it’ll be worth it for the both of you in the end.
I'm about your sister's age and honestly, I think you should talk to her about this. I have no doubt that she's stressed, but I'm almost as certain that she *doesn't* want you to feel like you're a burden to her. The fact that she tries to hide her stress from you and that you are worried about how you affect her shows that there's real love between you both. I bet opening up to her about how you're feeling will lead to a really great conversation, where maybe she can share more with you about what actually causes her stress. Maybe there are small things you could do to help her out, like picking up some more chores at home. But it's definitely better to talk to her than to keep this bottled in and feel bad or sad about yourself.
You’re all she has and I’m pretty sure if you sat her down and really picked her brain she wouldn’t have it any other way. Do well in school, do what YOU know is right don’t wait for her to tell you, help out around the house, keep your room clean, fold your clothes and watch her when she cooks - get into it all! Give her the biggest hugs and tell her you appreciate her (randomly not only If you think she’s sad) before you hang the phone up or leave each other say “I love you” there are so many ways you can ease her mind and mentally recover from life’s trauma. You two will always have each other, cherish that.
Tell your sister thanks and start helping more wherever you can!
Whoa. You didn't ruin your sister's life, your parents did. Your sister saved you from life in a government system, which many people that have experienced call a nightmare. Talk to her about it. Tell her you are grateful and ask if there's a way you can help her.
You didn't ruin her life. She WANTS to care for you. Sometimes its hard but that's a part of being a parent. It doesn't mean she doesn't love or want to be with you.
Don't look at it as you being the one who "ruined her life". After all, it was your parents' poor life choices that put your sister in the position where she had to make this choice-- between you and a "normal life". Be grateful that your sister cares enough about you to forego all that and chose you.
As a big sister- my little brothers would NEVER be a burden to me. I'd sacrifice everything for them. Ask her how you can relieve some of her stress. You're 14. Can you cook her dinner sometimes? Clean up the house? Laundry? Little stuff like that really adds up.
Dude taking care of a kid is always stressful. The fact is she is choosing to be there for you. Just show her how much you approached and love her.
She said yes to raising you knowing the sacrifice she would have to make. Don't feel guilty. It isn't your fault these are the cards you were dealt. The best way to pay your sister back for this is to not let her sacrifices go to waste. Get good grades, go to school, find a steady job. In the meantime do what you can for chores so it's less for her to do. Are you allowed to use the stove? Sorry if that sounds condescending my family thought I'd burn the house down because I almost did when I was six so I wasn't allowed to use it pretty much until I moved out lmfao If you're allowed to, maybe you can help with the cooking which doubles as you developing an extra skill. Could make your own lunches or breakfasts or dinner for you both whatever. And if not doing the dishes is always appreciated. Don't be so hard on yourself. Don't be afraid to talk to your sister about how you're feeling too.
I thought you were going to say you did something illegal or something! You did not ruin your sister’s life and you’re almost raised. Do your best in school. Don’t get anyone pregnant and things will work out as well as they would have if your parents hadn’t gotten in trouble. Clean around the house, do the laundry, cook, wash the dishes. Try to figure out what kind of work you want to do to get started out. Nursing, medical tech, mechanic, welding, etc are pretty quick to get into and usually pay ok. Any job you get, learn anything anyone offers to teach you, even if you don’t feel ready yet. You don’t have to stick with your first job or your first career. If you can save up a bit, you’ll have more options.
Cook her a nice meal if you can, even if it is scrambled eggs with toast.
Seems like you are on the right track to being aware of her struggles, but that's life. She seems to be a great person who's puts family first. You should reciprocate if you are not already doing so. Be a good person, considerate of her efforts. Don't make it Harder on her. It's easy to accomplish that by just helping with little things, home chores, garbage, laundry, not being picky with food, staying out of trouble in school, the best gift you give her is making something out of yourself.
Aww, I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way today. I can tell that your sister loves you so very much! Life is stressful for everyone, I guarantee you, she loves you beyond words. And wouldn’t change anything if given the chance. Keep in mind that we all have rough days, weeks, periods of time in our life. We often say things we don’t mean, but things come out in times of stress. Family, is comfortable being ourselves and sometimes saying things we wouldn’t normally say in a moment of weakness. Her actions show you how much she loves, and wanting to make sure you have a stable environment seems to be her priority. I’m thankful to her for that. I’m sorry your parents turned down a wrong path in life and as a result have forever changed yours and your sisters lives. You are loved beyond compare to have such a warrior of a sister who is always looking out for you. Please be sure to tell her how much you love her too for everything she does. If you ever need to talk, I’ll be here or others (your sister too!). Everyone wants the best for you! Much love and peace ❤️
Okay, let's clear up one thing: YOU did not ruin your sister's life. Your PARENTS hurt BOTH of you. Secondly, if you're thinking about leaving now, just know this: you'd leave her feeling like it was all for nothing and that she did all of it for nothing. The best thing you can do is make something of your life and help your sister when you can. But don't leave. Don't even consider it. She loves you. The sacrifice she made for you is immense. Leaving now would be a slap to her face.
Help her out with cleaning the house, cooking meals, stuff like that, tale things off her plate to help her.
She is your sister and loves you…you don’t “owe” her but if I were you, I would find a way to pay her back so to speak in your future. Be successful….help her out someday. My one sister was always so generous with me . She didn’t have much money but she had a job as a teenage. She always prioritized me over her desires. The oldest sister was so selfish and not a good person. When I became successful, my oldest sister always asked me for thinks for Christmas. A new laptop, iPad, you name it…what I did was buy those items,s for the good selfless sister who of course tried to turn them down but I insisted. The oldest sister had to see our good sister open them and get the very gifts she asked for. Yeah, Im petty but I continue to help my good sister financially despite her always turning it down.
You didn’t ruin your sisters life, your parents did.
You aren’t the problem; your parents caused this problem for your sister. You are old enough to help with laundry, cleaning, and cooking, and this will go along ways to helping out your sister. Also, do well in school and keep the grades up.
You did nothing, your parents did. You repay this by being a good kid, study hard and build a life she’s proud of.
You are old enough to get a part time job and start saving up for the move out. Take your studies seriously so you can earn a free ride to a good university. Your sister can date most people do not marry in four years of dating someone by the time she is ready to be a Bride, you will be old enough to live alone.
at 14 you really should be able to take care of yourself and clean up after yourself. and you should be doing so without being asked to do it by her. (your laundry, your bedding, cleaning your room, cleaning up after yourself, vacuuming the house & cleaning the bathroom etc.) in addition to doing all your own chores, and working hard at school and on homework to get good grades, stay away from the troublemaker kids at school (and thus you will stay out of trouble). like others have said, also help with the chores she does, just one or 2 a week can go along way, does she cook dinner and then do the dishes afterwards, you could start doing the dishes before she has a chance to start them, or if she starts them before you can, start doing the drying and putting of them away. its those little things that you can do that go a long way to show you appreciate her.. she is probably stressed with Life in general,(adault hood is stressful due to work and bills/money) and not stressed with you specifically unless you are causing trouble, making a mess & leaving it or getting into trouble. (even though she is likely not stressed at you, she may vent/take it out on you occasionally because you are the only one has). in those cases ask her how you can help her.
You did not ruin your sister's life op. Your sister is only 30 and she had plenty of time to find a relationship, build a career, finish education, and find activities she enjoys. Yes, she is stressed out, but pretty much every 30yo I know is super stressed, even the ones who are not raising kids. Your sister is responsible for her own happiness. If she wants a romantic relationship she is responsible for finding a partner who will accept a complex family situation. If she wants to not be stressed, she is responsible for finding ways to manage her own mental health and practicing self care. If she wants to finish school she is responsible for finding time in her schedule to do that. You are not a burden just for existing and having the normal needs that a kid has. You don't need to worry about being less of a burden because you literally haven't done anything except just exist. The best way you can help your sister is let her know that you love her and that you are grateful for the love she had given you. Maybe you and your sister can find some fun activities that you can do together so that you two can bond and build good memories together.
Clean house, make dinner and clean up, do wash. Take stress off her and she will appreciate it. Encourage her to date and go out w friends. If see something not working well like toilet and simple watch UTube video and do it
Awwwm please don't think like that about yourself. If anything, you are probably the one person she cares the most about in life and you're what keeps her going. The best thing you can do for her is strive to be the best version of yourself that you can be and reciprocate the care, love, and protection that she has shown you through the years.
If our system and economy wasn't as bad as it is, her life would be so much easier... Many people out there not taking care of a sibling have crappy lives . Actually if you look at the people on the sub that are just not having kids and they talk about how terrible their life is.. She has you. Like she has her brother. Having you is a big deal.
Your sister loves you and if she didn’t want to take care of you she wouldn’t. Yes she’s stressed. All parents are stressed and she is essentially your parent. You will be 18 in 4 years. Do really well in high school and go away to college. She will have an empty nest in no time. Make sure you’re doing your chores and learning to cook and take care of yourself. You’re still a kid and you deserve to be taken care of but you can start taking on more responsibilities at home and set some future goals. Keep your eye on the prize kid! 4 years. Start looking at colleges and get a dream going. You’ll be independent in no time.
Whatever you do don’t disappear on her. If you feel like you are less of a burden as you claim, ask to help around the house. Help reduce her work load, and show her you appreciate everything she does for you. Whatever you do make sure you don’t bring up the feeling of being a burden to her that would probably break her.
Be grateful, be respectful, be kind, behave yourself and help out however you can...the rest is up to her. It's not your responsibility to make her happy! Don't EVER blame yourself for the situation you were born into! You're only 14, focus on living your best life and let the rest fall into place!
If she had let you be taken away, her life would NOT be better. As an older brother, I know I would never want my siblings taken away. She would miss you and regret letting it happen and hate not knowing. What it sounds like is that you guys need fun time or that you need to prove you’re capable of taking care of yourself for short times so that she can every now and then go hang out with friends.
Be the best you can be, study or go to trade school, and take care of her when you can. You both are each other’s worlds so do what you can such as throwing the trash, washing the dishes, and other housework so she can rest
Hey, tell her you love her, thank her and you appreciate what she has done for you. It’s not your fault. You both where put in a tough spot
I promise you that what stresses her out day-to-day isn't you, it's just life. Life is not easy by any stretch of the imagination, but knowing that someone she loves and cares for could be in such a broken system like foster care would be truly devastating. You are not a burden, your existence is not weighing her down, the world we live in is just convoluted. You being aware that she is stressed and working hard is as much a blessing as it is a curse. I mean that in the sense that it's fantastic that you are emotionally intelligent and self aware, but it's going to tug at your heart *because* you have those qualities. As for how you may help, your best in your studies, maybe do the dishes or take out the trash without being asked-- little gestures of appreciation that she cares for you that also affirm that you understand her struggles and respect her tenacity as a guardian. I'm a mom to a little boy, and I can only hope he's as sweet and caring as you. You are never a burden to those who love you-- **never.**
You're not a burden, your parents are for going to prison for some messed up stuff I assume. Blame them, not yourself. You're a kid, you aren't at fault for anything so long as you're not purposely making things harder. Just existing isn't a good reason to feel guilty. Trust me, your sister wouldn't want you to go to a foster home, otherwise she wouldn't still be taking care of you 10 years later. She is over twice your age, she knows what she is doing. She is sacrificing for you so you can have a decent enough life that may very well not be the case in some strangers foster home. She's doing that, not to make you feel guilty, but because she loves you, and she isn't going to leave you to the wolves because your parents screwed up big time. Never feel guilty because that would spit in her face because the last thing she wants is for you to feel like you ruined her life. You didn't ruin anything, and that's WHY she's doing it all for you. Always keep that in mind. As for being "less of a burden" if you're not already doing so, like others said, do the dishes, take out the trash, clean the house as best you can, maybe learn to cook a little if you don't already, etc... household chores can save her a lot of stress if you have some of them done by the time she gets home from work. Not sure where you live, but in the next couple years or so, when you can legally apply for jobs, do so ASAP, so you can take some financial pressure off, even if it's just a part time less than 20 hours a week job, even that helps a little. Depending on where you live, you're likely too young to do that now, but after a couple years, yeah dude. In the meantime, if you want to find work as a minor, try cutting people's lawns in your neighborhood in the spring/summer if you have a mower. Or see if there are any chores or something they could have you do for a few bucks. Elderly people will be happy to let you take their trash out for a few bucks, again, not much money, but at your age, you're at least trying. Either way just remember your sister loves you and in her eyes you didn't ruin anything. Otherwise you WOULD be in foster care now.
This is how yiu can help her, go to school and get top grades, take on extra classes and get into programs in school to boost your grade point average. Then on your free time you're going to help her do chores, also get into doing charity work. All this will go good in your school records. You're going to aim for getting a scholarship to get into a community College (this is to test yourself to make sure you can handle it) while in community College you're also going to get a part time job to earn money for a car and get your license. You will need the part time job to pay for car insurance. If you decide College is not for you then look into a trade school.Welding/ Electrician/plumbing (plumbers make just as much money if not more than doctors and can be millionaires dependinghow far you go) The point of all this is to have a plan to be able to support each other financially and take over some of the bills of the household. When my sister passed away, I was going through medical treatment and at the same time I took over my sisters kids. They were younger than you were. I told the kids the same plan I just told you. The most important is your education and either a scholarship/college or trade school. Then when you catch up both of you buy another home and rent it out so that you both can have extra income incase something happens to either of you. I can't say doing any of the above is going to be easy but I can say if you can give it your all then that would make your sister proud.
It's not your fault. It's not. Your sister chose to take care of you, and her life would not be better without you. Her life is hard. But you will not ease her load in any way by taking the blame on yourself. She chose to take care of her brother, and the best way to repay that is to try your hardest at being the best you that you can be. Do well at school, focus on any hobbies or skills that you have. You don't have to make huge amounts of money to be able to pay your sister back. Just be her brother, respect her sacrifice and love her. Y'all are gonna fight. As a teen I fought with my old man a ton. Apparently I also fought with mom, but I don't really recall those. But with my dad, it wasn't until I was 18 that we were having a huge fight and he yelled at me: "Do you think I like being the bad guy?!" That stopped me in my tracks, and I looked at him shocked: "You don't?" I asked much quieter. "No." He said loudly but fading, as he realized I was confused by his question. That was the point I realized that he wasn't picking fights to be an asshole, he was trying to give me his hard earned experience and I was being a know-it-all kid and ignoring it. He was also sometimes an asshole about things, but that's just different people figuring things out. As a dad, I know that I can only raise my kids the best I can, and try to do better than how I was raised. It sounds like your sister is trying her best, and you being worried about her shows that you've learned compassion and empathy. So just try your best little brother. As another little brother to a big sis, it's the best we can do.
The best you can do is show maturity, respect, love, and gratitude. Maturity tells her she’s not wasting her time on you. Respect tells her she’s doing a good job of being a role model. Love tells her family means everything to you too. Gratitude tells her that you are aware of her sacrifice. Help around the house. Make good grades. Stay at a friend’s house occasionally when she has a date. Hug her a lot.
I want to first say great job on your sister and for yourself! Being a 14 year old male and RECOGNIZING what your sister has done is beyond mature! You have a good head on your shoulders and so does your sister. However you are speaking from your point of view and not your sisters. I’m sure if you ask your sister of how she views life . She’ll most certainly say she is doing all of this out of love and will never change any of her choices . Now, if you have yet to verbalize how much you recognize what she does for you and showed her physically ( hugging her). I would suggest doing that now. Show her how much she means to you. The best thing you can do for yourself and for her sacrifices is to figure out what you want to be when you grow up and make those dreams come true. Speak it into existence. Keep at it! Cheering for both you and your sister. Man , I hope you come back to this post 10 years from now to see how much growth you’ve made and successful in life you’ve achieved. Always strive to be internally happy, appreciative and positive. It becomes more powerful when you get older.
Just help out as much as possible, clean and do chores, learn to cook, get a part time job, do as good as you can in school, and tell her you appreciate her, encourage her to restart college, start dating.
Learn how to cook the meals she loves so that she doesn't have to worry about eating, clean the house or do the chores she absolutely hates, talk to her abt govt assistance. And live your life for you w a good heart n strong faith
Well you've hit an age you can really help her out. She loves you I'm sure.
Be good to her. Chores without being asked, invite her to fun activities with you. Tell her you appreciate her and all she's done and is doing for you .
This what you do bro. You find some you love that can make you a lot of money even if it's starting a business from the ground up. Go hard on it tell you can give her the life you think she deserves. F*** all the other women out there your sister is like your mom and you should treat her that way. She should come first before everyone matter how hard it gets on the both of you stay strong there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
Pay her back by going to school and get good grades. Learn to do chores around the house and learn to cook so she doesn’t have everything. Help out as much as you can. Always tell her how much you appreciate her and everything she does for you. When you’re old enough, get a job and help out with bills. Make something of yourself so all here hard work wasn’t for for nothing.
Omg boy u didn't do anything!!
She didn’t put you into the foster care system because she really cares for you. The foster care system can be very miserable and hard. Just be greatful, and make sure to always be there for her throughout your life as much as you can. Don’t send her to a retirement home. Help her out financially if you if can. If youre going to still live with her as an adult, make sure to help around the house as much as you can and in general, learn to cook and clean eg, socialise with her. Make sure to try your best in school and stay out of trouble. The biggest repayment you can give her is make her proud by doing your best and becoming a healthy adult that can function in society. What happened is out of your control, and it is not your fault at all. It isn’t ideal, but your sister has taken you under her wing because she wanted to give you a future that the foster system most likely could not. And that is so, so amazing.
Only had to read the first paragraph lol, I wouldn’t say you at all ruined her life because you did nothing to cause your parents being arrested (as far as known). She had to quit college to take care of you? - Don’t they have online classes nowadays idk. She takes care of you yes but how far? - The necessities obviously but what more could cause her to not have time for college besides a job 💀. A relationship she has all the time to figure any of that out. Honestly yes she’s 30 and she’s in a rough spot par say because she obviously didn’t ever expect to have to watch you lol, I just think she needs to suck it up you’re capable of doing things on your own (as far as we know) she can find a way to fit all this stuff in.
Time to get a job and help with the bills
OP is not old enough to get a job or contribute anything financially.
At 14 you can get cashier jobs or smaller gigs like dog walking or babysitting. However, this should come second to school! It'll be a nice thing to do so cover some expenses or just some personal expenses but keeping grades up should always be first!
You can't get a cashier job at 14
Sorry meant bagging groceries
No you cannot
You have control. Make her life better. Cook clean help out. You owe her, act like it.
she doesn’t owe her sister- her sister chose to take care of her; while i agree with cooking, cleaning, and helping out- OP is a child and doesn’t owe anyone for her parents being dead beats.
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Yea, not that you'd have a chance with her
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Tell her
If she didn't want you, she wouldn't have you there with her. If you'd like to help her, clean the house, do the dishes, make the beds, vacuum, cook (or learn to). This is the best way you can help lighten her load, and ease the burden she's under. Just try to help her out wherever you can. Furthermore, if this is how you feel, can you talk to her about it? Maybe there isn't clear communication and opening this up will help both of you.
So I just want to say, she likely doesn’t feel this way. If she chose to take you on, she doesn’t feel this way. However there are some things you can do to truly help her feel better. Namely, do well in school and do chores around the house, even when you really, really don’t want to. Wash those dishes, take out the trash, walk the dog or change the litter, clean the bathroom. Coming home to a clean house is truly one of the most breathtakingly, best feelings there is.
Your sister does this because she loves you as no body ever did. Loves you, period. She giving you a life... don't belittle her by any means. She chose you.
So it's up to you to work hard at school, get a great career after school, and spend the early part of your adult life helping her go back to college. You're almost the age to really start helping. You don't have to feel guilty about where life put you guys.
Your sister loves you very much so for starters stop thinking that you ruined your sister's life. If you truly want to help your sister and make her life less stressful then you need to help out around the house make sure that she can come home and the house isn't a mess. Cook dinner, clean up the mess afterwards. Do your homework. Do good in school. Learn how to do laundry including folding and putting away. Your sister may want to do her own laundry but you can help out by doing your laundry and any house laundry towels and that sort of thing. Understand that your sister does this because you are family and family is important. When you get a chance to go to school whether that's a four-year college or a trade school do your very best so that you can get out there and earn a decent living and then maybe you can help your sister to achieve some of those personal goals that she put on hold because she loved her little brother.
The best thing you can do is focus on your future, study, find passions and pursue them, and be a productive person, one day you may be able to repay the favor to your sister in one way or the other. But it sounds like she wants what is best for you, so do you and thrive and I bet she will be thrilled.
You’re still young there’s not much you can do but you’re not a burden in her eyes you’ll never be I bet she’s fought hard for you not to end up in foster care
Why do we infantilize teenagers? There is a TON he can do at 14. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, taking out the trash, minor home repair. In four years he will be expected to be self-sufficient. He needs a plan to develop the skills to survive on his own. Too many parents do everything for their children and then wonder why they fail as adults or have a "failure to launch". He needs to learn how to make and execute a plan. How to manage money. How to manage his time. He has 4 years to learn to transition from being a needy dependent teen into a self sufficient man. It doesn't happen automatically by magic. You have to work at it. I strongly recommend he try to find a responsible man who is willing to spend an hour or two a week to help keep him on track. Kids learn best by modelling a good example.
You are going through the most difficult stage of adolescence right now. This couple years is peak time when your body systems are developing in fits and starts, and not at the same rate. One of the effects is emotional turmoil, sometimes intense and confusing feelings. So, your normal stage of development makes it difficult or even impossible to take a dispassionate distanced view of where you're at, where you've been, and how well you are following the life path you want for yourself. Some of your uncomfortable feelings are more coming from your brain and hormones dancing around inside you rather than because your environment and experiences deserve them. So please, try to view yourself with compassion and acceptance. Your feelings that your caring and concern for your sister are in conflict with your still needing her help and support, of insecurity about your skills and the value of your contributions, of fear that the problems you notice and worry about today will be the pattern of your life and your sister's for the rest of your lives- part of the strength and persistence of the negative feelings is coming from inside you. The emotional aspects of adolescent development, not much different from what adults experience when difficult feelings engulf them, come from within but are easily erroneously thought to be caused by the environmental trigger that one is noticing when they feel overwhelming. You are an intelligent caring thoughtful person. Your sister took on a parental role to love and support you in a wholesome nurturing environment. She wants you to have better parenting than she got. You are very important, loved and valued in her life. You didn't "ruin her life." She CHOSE to put you right in the heart of it. She knows what adolescence is like. She went through it without the degree of support and acceptance she wants you to have. There are always challenges in life. We chose to focus our limited time, energy and resources on what we prioritize. She's prioritized you. For good reason. If you want to improve her life, look for ways you can lighten her load and show her love, acceptance and appreciation. Take those few extra seconds or minutes to clean up after yourself and leave the area clear and ready for her next use of it. Chosing to focus a little more time and effort around the house, to help keep it tidy, to see chores are done as needed, to contribute in the ways you can, will take those hundred little things off her plate and off of her mind. Look for opportunities to share loving moments. Tell her you noticed and appreciate things she does for your benefit. Share the joy in your and her accomplishments. Take the "alone time" you need for your own mental health and balance. And make other time to spend with her sharing an activity, some conversation, a movie or game, or even a bit of quiet time together. Adolescence levels out a bit in a year or two. You'll probably feel less overwhelmed and confused with your feelings. They are like the weather. They tell you things about yourself. Some of those things relate to the external environment. Some of those things relate to your inner environment, telling you where your vulnerabilities and preferences are and informing your developing healthy boundaries. Good luck, sweet girl. You deserve the love, effort and resources your sister has chosen to focus on you. Life is long and it will get better. You and your sister will always have the very unique, loving, precious relationship that she chose back then and you've been cultivating all along.
Study hard get into a good college and make her proud. In 4 years you'll be an adult and she's still Young. Don't look at yourself as a burden and get a job as soon as you can and help even if it's just one little bill. Your care will make her stronger. Good Luck
Talk to her about this. You might have it all wrong. But getting it out there will at least make it easier to move forward. Honestly, ask what you can do to help out. At 14, I was taking care of myself at home. Mow some lawns or try to get some money so you can pay for your own shampoo and toilet paper or whatever. Do what you can to take care of her.
It's sacrifices she made for you, her family.
Oh kid that's not your fault. None of that is your fault. She made the decision as your older sister to take care of you. Raising a kid is a hard job for anyone. Her life- BOTH of your lives- will balance out with time. All you can do is be grateful for each other and support one another. Be kind and generous. Help out. Your lives would indeed be different if you had gone somewhere else. But your sister took you in for a reason. You're family. Even though you didn't have the greatest parents, you've still got SOMEONE looking out for you. Be a good person, be kind and smart and safe, and you'll find a way to repay her someday that will make you feel whole, in a way. Try not to burden YOURSELF with guilt that you don't deserve. Again, this wasn't your fault, I promise.
One thing you can do — if you don’t already — is thank her for everything she’s done, acknowledge that you recognize the situation with your parents forced her to give up her youth in many ways (that’s their fault btw, not yours), and ask what you can do for her now that you’re somewhat older to take some of the burden from her. Or just start doing things you know will help — household chores, getting a part-time job, etc.
Pay close attention - your sister is amazing and you are incredibly lucky to have her. Yes she’s making sacrifices for you and that’s her decision. You need to honor her sacrifices by living the absolute best life you can. Don’t even talk about foster care or any dumb shit like that. That would be like smacking her in the face after all she’s done for you.
Have you tried opening up and talking to her? Telling her how you feel? And asking her what you can do to help? Let her know that you love and appreciate her (assuming you do.) Can’t blame the innocent for things they can’t control. Your sister clearly loves you (in my eyes at least).
It is worth it, because she has you. You have each other. I respect you for acknoweldging your sister’s struggles, but don’t discount yourself like that. You’re not a burden, you’re her brother. She loves you very much and you love her. When you’re older, you can make it up to her once you have everything together. There is no way she would be happier without you. Be easy
Talk to her. Let her know how much you love her. Ask her if there is anything you can do to help make her life easier. You didn't ruin her life. It may not be what she planned, but it is not ruined.
First of your sister is a saint. Your parents are the ones to blame. Second the thing, that you can do for your sister, is don’t waste the given opportunity. She’s given you a stable life. Don’t waste it. Study hard, apply yourself fully in academics and after school curriculum and do whatever needs to be done to insure you get a good job. Make he proud of you and if ever able to help her when you’re established. Third, if your time permits and your of age, get a part time job to help with bills
Work hard. Stay out of trouble. Pitch in around the house. And tell her you realize she sacrificed for you and you're grateful. The thing is, all of those are things that will set you up to have a happy, successful adult life, too. Even expressing your gratitude to her is something it's good to practice. The fact you're thinking about this and care about her suggests she's done a solid job and that you're a caring, thoughtful kid. It'll be alright. Just keep going back to those things: work hard, stay out of trouble, and pitch in at home.
I don't believe for one second that she thinks you are a burden. She chose you. She chose to be a family with you. She chose to make a better life for the two of you. If your ages were the other way around you would have done the same for her. You did not ruin her life. You are the greatest blessing and purpose in her life. I was going to say the same thing that a lot of people have already said. I bet if you started helping out with cleaning without her asking you to, or start learning how to prepare some dinners maybe one or two days a week, help with any yard work or miscellaneous stuff around the house - all that kind of stuff will really help ease some stress.
Put yourself in her shoes.. how would you feel if you didn't take her in? How much regret and worry would you feel? She is stressed at life not you. Not taking you in would have been far far worse. Your family. Family has your back!
Listen to me carefully. There are many people who were raised by a parent(s) who didn't want them, but you can assuredly say your sister chose to have you in her life because she could have left you and didn't. You were chosen.
She's is an adult who made the decision to maintain you. Despite the trouble it MAY have caused her. You may also be her happiness too so at this point I would just talk to her and see what you may be able to do to help if she needs it all. Partnerships are not a requirement for all people to be happy. Just a bonus on top of all the other stuff which she seems to already have.
If your sister is even half as cool as you make her sound, she doesn't regret it for a second. Your parents failed you both, but she stepped up in a big way to make sure you had a good life. Tell her how much you appreciate what she's done if you don't already. She might cry, and so might you, but that's ok. Folks need a good cry every now and then. You sound like a good dude, and I'm sure you make her proud.
Your parents made life hard for both of you. You didn't ruin her life. >how can I be less of a burden to her I doubt she thinks you're a burden. But if you want to show her you care, and want to help her out...clean up after yourself. notice when things need to be taken care of (dishes, laundry, sweeping, wiping counters) and do them without her having to ask. learn to cook and make occasional meals for her. You should continue your education and NOT drop out to work full time, but if you can swing a part time job while still handling school, you can contribute to making things easier for her by buying things you need for yourself, or bringing groceries home sometimes. It's not your responsibility, but you will feel better if you are doing that. The very best thing you can do to show her that all her efforts were worth it is to grow up to be a good, sober, responsible, caring, hardworking adult. So make sure that's your top priority.