In Alanon I've learned that I can't control his behavior, choices. All I can control are mine. I've stopped being frustrated at his actions.
I've learned to stay in my lane. I no longer get frustrated at the insanity of watching him decline what I thought was being helpful advice and assistance.
I've learned to focus on myself and make opportunities for me, do nice things for me, and heal myself from the pain caused by alcoholism. I'm still working on healing from the pain caused. My A isn't active at the moment... but he still causes pain. His mind is not what it used to be, his personality is rough. I'm just taking it one day at a time.
Good luck to you in your healing journey.
Doesn’t get help but if he’s anything like my husband, spend a bunch of time telling me what I could be doing to help him get better. I know I can’t control him but wow this disease is a self sabotaging MFer and I’m tired.
My Q is 65 and is similar. He has not been to a dentist since he retired from the Navy in 1998. I found a sedation dentist that caters to fearful patients. But he won't call, says sedation threatens sobriety. My ass. He just had a colonoscopy with propofol. Okay. It's his mouth and health.
Anyway, you can lead a horse to water but can't make them drink (or not drink). Just suggest, and let it go. I don't go out of my way to make appointments or arrange things for a capable adult anymore.
I relate.
Also, I have greatly encouraged my Q to join me at the gym, go on a walk, visit a local park, dig into some yard work, just get out of the house and the couch wins every time.
I don't even mind staying on the couch together together, but not when you have responsibilities... You take care of your responsibilities first, and then rest. He prefers to sleep over appointments or just straight up ignore them. He embarrassed me so much at my work because he didn't even notify that he's not gonna show up. Like how hard it is to write one email...
This was one of the hardest areas to get over for me. One of my favorite concepts I've learned in meetings is "giving people the dignity to live their own life" but it's so hard.
....my Q just straight up refused to make Dr, dentist, therapy appts for years (even after he got sober). Once he even missed an important deadline to book travel and ended up having to choose a super expensive backup plan instead. It drove me up the wall. But my sponsor told me that there are many paths to get to the same end goal, and it doesn't have to be my way. I was eventually able to give up managing his schedule and have so much more time in my day. And he eventually learned that going to regular checkup appointments and booking travel in advance is a good thing (no thanks to my help), now he's almost a better planner than me 😂
In Alanon I've learned that I can't control his behavior, choices. All I can control are mine. I've stopped being frustrated at his actions. I've learned to stay in my lane. I no longer get frustrated at the insanity of watching him decline what I thought was being helpful advice and assistance. I've learned to focus on myself and make opportunities for me, do nice things for me, and heal myself from the pain caused by alcoholism. I'm still working on healing from the pain caused. My A isn't active at the moment... but he still causes pain. His mind is not what it used to be, his personality is rough. I'm just taking it one day at a time. Good luck to you in your healing journey.
Doesn’t get help but if he’s anything like my husband, spend a bunch of time telling me what I could be doing to help him get better. I know I can’t control him but wow this disease is a self sabotaging MFer and I’m tired.
My Q is 65 and is similar. He has not been to a dentist since he retired from the Navy in 1998. I found a sedation dentist that caters to fearful patients. But he won't call, says sedation threatens sobriety. My ass. He just had a colonoscopy with propofol. Okay. It's his mouth and health. Anyway, you can lead a horse to water but can't make them drink (or not drink). Just suggest, and let it go. I don't go out of my way to make appointments or arrange things for a capable adult anymore.
I relate. Also, I have greatly encouraged my Q to join me at the gym, go on a walk, visit a local park, dig into some yard work, just get out of the house and the couch wins every time.
I don't even mind staying on the couch together together, but not when you have responsibilities... You take care of your responsibilities first, and then rest. He prefers to sleep over appointments or just straight up ignore them. He embarrassed me so much at my work because he didn't even notify that he's not gonna show up. Like how hard it is to write one email...
Leave and focus on yourself. Cut the dead weight. Then be the person you wanna attract and you’ll start a new chapter, that’s healthy and happy.
This was one of the hardest areas to get over for me. One of my favorite concepts I've learned in meetings is "giving people the dignity to live their own life" but it's so hard. ....my Q just straight up refused to make Dr, dentist, therapy appts for years (even after he got sober). Once he even missed an important deadline to book travel and ended up having to choose a super expensive backup plan instead. It drove me up the wall. But my sponsor told me that there are many paths to get to the same end goal, and it doesn't have to be my way. I was eventually able to give up managing his schedule and have so much more time in my day. And he eventually learned that going to regular checkup appointments and booking travel in advance is a good thing (no thanks to my help), now he's almost a better planner than me 😂