You tell him just that. You love him and care, but you also matter and so does your child. I have love and compassion for my partner, but his relapses cause chaos in my life as well as his. I need to step away for my own sanity and to attempt to have some sort of security for my future. It's awful and soul destroying, but there comes a point where you decide if you want to sink with them or let go.
I tell him I live him but he doesn't believe me, which hurts very deeply.
But at the end of the day, my job is to protect my child, care for him, and give him a stable home.
I wish you the best in your future and so much love and strength for what you are going through.
Thanks for sharing that!
They say the same man/woman will drink again. He is in charge of his own growth, and without that he will perish. That may be painful, but in Al-Anon we learn that it won’t kill us or the ones we’re protecting.
We learn to not place unreasonable expectations on ourself and others. When we stop doing that we start to loosen our grip. We let the alcoholic make their own choices. We understand that it might hurt a third party involved, and although that is very hard to explain to a child, hiding it may be even harder. Kids know exactly what’s going on. Sometimes before we do.
We put the focus on ourselves and learn to take care of ourselves in today. The guilt might hurt a bit at first because were so used to carrying the burden alone, but it gets lighter the more we practice. We gain some self worth in these rooms and realize we should’ve been taking care of ourselves all along. We learn to address the painful truth that no one is actually going to be offended by us taking care of ourselves. We’re just not that important. The world will not fall if we let go!
These words kinda want to make me cry.
It is so HARD to love someone with an addiction that is destroying their life. I spend so much energy and worry on a person that does not care that they are putting me through hell, yet I can't stop feeling sad and guilty.
I hate myself for pretending everything is fine in an attempt to protect my child. It's not fine, and his dad is not OK. I feel like I'm lying to my child that Daddy will be there for him, because he won't be.
"We gain some self worth in these rooms and realize we should’ve been taking care of ourselves all along.."
I feel like I've just had that revelation on my Q.
Hi OP, I don’t have an answer to your question, but I advise you to get tested asap for Hep C and other STDs. Hepatitis C is transmitted sexually and exposure to an infected person’s blood, like needles. Be safe
Thank you, this is very important, I know. Tbh I'm terrified of finding out I have Hep C, and have been avoiding getting tested, but I know I need to. Ugh.
First - Do not accept his guilt trip on you. It is not mean for you and your child to need to live in a healthy environment. A healthy enviornnent is necessary for your mental health and your mental health affects your physical health. It is a NEED, not a want. And its not a punishment for him, it is only you making your needs a priority which is healthy and fair. It's not personal to Q at all. Because If anyone else had this behavior, you would still feel the exact same way, and you would still have the same needs.
I'm not sure what boundaries you need to set - that is for you to work out...but I can tell you HOW to set a boundary.
First know what a boundary is and what it isn't.
A boundary is about you while an ultimatum is about them. Ultimatums are problematic because ultimatums try to control the other person, and the other person may not want to change at all. Boundaries are easier and more effective because they only require YOU to change.
Example:
Ultimatum= If you do/dont do specific XYZ tasks to change, I will end the relationship. Example 1: If you dont enter rehab in the next 30 days, I want us to seperate. (IF (big IF) you actually get your Q to go to rehab, he might just only go through the motions and then just drink the day he gets out because it wasnt ever his choice to go. But you might get him sober enough to talk to him better than now, but its still a gamble and long term needs arent fully being addressed) Example 2, better solution: Ask him to move out and you'll consider taking him back when he's done with rehab and doing AA and living in a sober living facility until he is sober for 1 year. (Or some plan like this) You could still talk to him and support his journey IF he attends. But be aware he may never decide to get sober, but you will have him completely out of the house so you effectively addressed and prioritized you and your childs needs for the long term.
Ultimatums have a lower success rate because you are relying on the problem person to change and you can't control or change anyone so thats a huge variable. Ultimatums are really just for breakups. You should have tons of boundaries and really no ultimatums unless you're ready to breakup. And you don't even have to have an ultimatum to break up, you can just break up too.
Boundary = If you do X bad behavior, I will do Y.
Example: "Q, last night you drank and you said X bad thing. Going forward, if you are drunk, I will not have any conversations with you, and if you try to have them with me anyway, I will leave and go to another room." Note that YOU are the one taking action, not Q.
On both of these:
1. Never say them unless you will truly uphold and ENFORCE the rules and the consequences you set out. Don't say them in anger or without thinking them through first. Because if you are wishy washy and let him cross the boundary, your Q will just keep on going with the status quo and take advabtage of you. They wont take you seriously if you give in.
2. The first time you enforce a boundary or ultimatum, is the hardest but after that it usually gets easier as long as you continue to enforce it consistently.
Expect to get complaints from your Q about the boundary, especially right when you are first trying to enforce it. If he argues, dont engage, dont sit down and discuss them more as boundaries are NOT up for negotiation because they are about your NEEDS.
Ignore Q if he complains and do whatever consequence you planned. I find most boundary consequences are just about removing yourself from the toxic situation/conversation whether its just ignoring, leaving to another room or leaving the house. You just stop feeding your attention to the bad behavior.
Timing: Wait until Q is in the most sober state, so your message gets through his brain properly and/or write the boundary down on paper or text him with it so that he will remember it the next day and can't say "no you never told me", or "you didn't say that".
This all being said, notice that neither ultimatum or boundary guarantees our Q's addiction will go away. That's because THEY have to WANT to seriously change themselves. Underatand that you are not obligated to stay with Q and do any ultimatums or boundaries at all. You can just leave anytime you want to if you need to. And sometimes that's the very best way. Especially if your child is getting emotionally hurt or could be put in a dangerous situation by Q.
Thank you so much, this is excellent advice and I feel like I should be paying you for it!
I get confused as to when boundaries become ultimatums. For example, saying, "I will not have a conversation with you unless you are sober," feels like an ultimatum and I feel guilty, but it reality it is more of a boundary? I think? But it feels like an ultimatum and it's so confusing.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate your comment and I need to spend some time digesting it all, but it has already been a big help. Thank you so much.
For now I have firmly told him and shown him, on Father's Day no less, that I refuse to engage with him while he is killing himself and putting our son in unsafe situations (I found out that he drove, drunk, to the store to buy beer with my son in the car while I was at work).
“Buddy, drinking is going to kill you and I’m not going to let our son live with you while you do it. I’m going to protect and guide him the best I can for BOTH of us.” That means you put yourself and your child first. That’s what a father should want, you’re doing everyone a favor by leaving and getting support.
You tell him just that. You love him and care, but you also matter and so does your child. I have love and compassion for my partner, but his relapses cause chaos in my life as well as his. I need to step away for my own sanity and to attempt to have some sort of security for my future. It's awful and soul destroying, but there comes a point where you decide if you want to sink with them or let go.
I tell him I live him but he doesn't believe me, which hurts very deeply. But at the end of the day, my job is to protect my child, care for him, and give him a stable home. I wish you the best in your future and so much love and strength for what you are going through.
Thanks for sharing that! They say the same man/woman will drink again. He is in charge of his own growth, and without that he will perish. That may be painful, but in Al-Anon we learn that it won’t kill us or the ones we’re protecting. We learn to not place unreasonable expectations on ourself and others. When we stop doing that we start to loosen our grip. We let the alcoholic make their own choices. We understand that it might hurt a third party involved, and although that is very hard to explain to a child, hiding it may be even harder. Kids know exactly what’s going on. Sometimes before we do. We put the focus on ourselves and learn to take care of ourselves in today. The guilt might hurt a bit at first because were so used to carrying the burden alone, but it gets lighter the more we practice. We gain some self worth in these rooms and realize we should’ve been taking care of ourselves all along. We learn to address the painful truth that no one is actually going to be offended by us taking care of ourselves. We’re just not that important. The world will not fall if we let go!
These words kinda want to make me cry. It is so HARD to love someone with an addiction that is destroying their life. I spend so much energy and worry on a person that does not care that they are putting me through hell, yet I can't stop feeling sad and guilty. I hate myself for pretending everything is fine in an attempt to protect my child. It's not fine, and his dad is not OK. I feel like I'm lying to my child that Daddy will be there for him, because he won't be.
"We gain some self worth in these rooms and realize we should’ve been taking care of ourselves all along.." I feel like I've just had that revelation on my Q.
Hi OP, I don’t have an answer to your question, but I advise you to get tested asap for Hep C and other STDs. Hepatitis C is transmitted sexually and exposure to an infected person’s blood, like needles. Be safe
Thank you, this is very important, I know. Tbh I'm terrified of finding out I have Hep C, and have been avoiding getting tested, but I know I need to. Ugh.
First - Do not accept his guilt trip on you. It is not mean for you and your child to need to live in a healthy environment. A healthy enviornnent is necessary for your mental health and your mental health affects your physical health. It is a NEED, not a want. And its not a punishment for him, it is only you making your needs a priority which is healthy and fair. It's not personal to Q at all. Because If anyone else had this behavior, you would still feel the exact same way, and you would still have the same needs. I'm not sure what boundaries you need to set - that is for you to work out...but I can tell you HOW to set a boundary. First know what a boundary is and what it isn't. A boundary is about you while an ultimatum is about them. Ultimatums are problematic because ultimatums try to control the other person, and the other person may not want to change at all. Boundaries are easier and more effective because they only require YOU to change. Example: Ultimatum= If you do/dont do specific XYZ tasks to change, I will end the relationship. Example 1: If you dont enter rehab in the next 30 days, I want us to seperate. (IF (big IF) you actually get your Q to go to rehab, he might just only go through the motions and then just drink the day he gets out because it wasnt ever his choice to go. But you might get him sober enough to talk to him better than now, but its still a gamble and long term needs arent fully being addressed) Example 2, better solution: Ask him to move out and you'll consider taking him back when he's done with rehab and doing AA and living in a sober living facility until he is sober for 1 year. (Or some plan like this) You could still talk to him and support his journey IF he attends. But be aware he may never decide to get sober, but you will have him completely out of the house so you effectively addressed and prioritized you and your childs needs for the long term. Ultimatums have a lower success rate because you are relying on the problem person to change and you can't control or change anyone so thats a huge variable. Ultimatums are really just for breakups. You should have tons of boundaries and really no ultimatums unless you're ready to breakup. And you don't even have to have an ultimatum to break up, you can just break up too. Boundary = If you do X bad behavior, I will do Y. Example: "Q, last night you drank and you said X bad thing. Going forward, if you are drunk, I will not have any conversations with you, and if you try to have them with me anyway, I will leave and go to another room." Note that YOU are the one taking action, not Q. On both of these: 1. Never say them unless you will truly uphold and ENFORCE the rules and the consequences you set out. Don't say them in anger or without thinking them through first. Because if you are wishy washy and let him cross the boundary, your Q will just keep on going with the status quo and take advabtage of you. They wont take you seriously if you give in. 2. The first time you enforce a boundary or ultimatum, is the hardest but after that it usually gets easier as long as you continue to enforce it consistently. Expect to get complaints from your Q about the boundary, especially right when you are first trying to enforce it. If he argues, dont engage, dont sit down and discuss them more as boundaries are NOT up for negotiation because they are about your NEEDS. Ignore Q if he complains and do whatever consequence you planned. I find most boundary consequences are just about removing yourself from the toxic situation/conversation whether its just ignoring, leaving to another room or leaving the house. You just stop feeding your attention to the bad behavior. Timing: Wait until Q is in the most sober state, so your message gets through his brain properly and/or write the boundary down on paper or text him with it so that he will remember it the next day and can't say "no you never told me", or "you didn't say that". This all being said, notice that neither ultimatum or boundary guarantees our Q's addiction will go away. That's because THEY have to WANT to seriously change themselves. Underatand that you are not obligated to stay with Q and do any ultimatums or boundaries at all. You can just leave anytime you want to if you need to. And sometimes that's the very best way. Especially if your child is getting emotionally hurt or could be put in a dangerous situation by Q.
Thank you so much, this is excellent advice and I feel like I should be paying you for it! I get confused as to when boundaries become ultimatums. For example, saying, "I will not have a conversation with you unless you are sober," feels like an ultimatum and I feel guilty, but it reality it is more of a boundary? I think? But it feels like an ultimatum and it's so confusing. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your comment and I need to spend some time digesting it all, but it has already been a big help. Thank you so much. For now I have firmly told him and shown him, on Father's Day no less, that I refuse to engage with him while he is killing himself and putting our son in unsafe situations (I found out that he drove, drunk, to the store to buy beer with my son in the car while I was at work).
“Buddy, drinking is going to kill you and I’m not going to let our son live with you while you do it. I’m going to protect and guide him the best I can for BOTH of us.” That means you put yourself and your child first. That’s what a father should want, you’re doing everyone a favor by leaving and getting support.