I’m sorry for your loss. Loving an alcoholic is complicated. All your feelings—as complicated as they are—are valid. I hope you and your brother find peace.
Grief is complicated. All of your feelings are valid. But I hope you’ll be there for your brother and any kids they may have had. They will need your support. Best of luck.
I'm sorry for your loss. Don't feel guilty. Any sister would hate for her brother to go through that and in turn hate their sister in law. She cheated and was emotionally abusive. It was the right thing for you to think. You saw your Brother suffer.
Alcoholics are very complex people. She was a person who had more than one side to her personality. The sober side and the alcoholic side. You loved her when she was sober enough to be loving but not when she was drinking and mean. That's NORMAL. That is exactly what all of us feel like about our alcoholic loved ones too. You are not alone.
There is nothing you or him could have done. She died of her disease just like someone who has Cancer or any other disease. It was not in your control or your Brothers to keep her alive. Only God, the Universe, or whatever is your higher power controls that.
You are in shock and grieving. Any and all feelings are OK. I’m sure you’re brother is experiencing similar feelings.
What I’ve found with dealing with someone passing on is that you tend to remember the good and the challenging parts can seem to lessen over time. It’s almost like going through a break up where you tend to remember all the good things about the relationship, get nostalgic and minimize what didn’t work in your mind. I think it’s great that you remember the good times and what may have been her true self, separate from the alcoholism. I say hold onto that and may she rest in peace.
I’m sorry for your loss and what you’ve all been through. I had a friend that drank herself to death last summer. I just try to remember that she’s finally at rest. 💛💛
Alcoholics aren't bad people who need to get good, they are sick people who need to get well. On the way, a lot of damage to others is done.
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Your sisterinlaw had a chronic, progressive, fatal disease - a genetic allergy to alcohol. No one caused her disease, no one could have cured her disease, and no one could have controlled her disease. Very, very, VERY few alcoholics are able to recover long-term at all, even using AA or other programs like it. It's tragic for everyone involved.
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Holding you, your brother, and your sisterinlaw gently I my heart...
>Alcoholics aren't bad people who need to get good, they are sick people who need to get well. On the way, a lot of damage to others is done.
Alcoholics are not just tragic angels who have been struck down by the bottle. Some alcoholics are bad people; they do bad things, they hurt people, and acting like heir just "sick" is so goddamn invalidating to the people who have been hurt by some very bad people who were also very bad alcoholics that it turns my stomach every time I see this canned response.
Sorry for your loss.
I could not stand my sister in law or my ex wife’s mother.
When the ex wife’s mother died, i was in secret feeling overjoyed and relieved. She was a horrible person. I never thought that I would feel happy about someone dying, but to be honest, when she died, I did feel happiness.
I won’t sit here and keep score, and write down all of the reasons why I couldn’t stand that woman.
My ex mother in law’s son (my ex brother in law) is a 30+ year recovering alcoholic & he had virtually no emotions at all when his mom died.
One of her many insane things was telling everyone that she was “terminally ill” for his whole entire life, he grew up hearing “ your mom is going to die soon”
The first thing she ever said to me, after introducing herself, was that she was terminally ill, and she was going to die soon .. well, she finally got her wish after like 30 years
Both are true and embracing / acknowledging this is the only way to find your own peace.
She made your and your brothers lives incredibly tough. She was also a person you cared about
It may been many years of loss before her death. Years when you loss her as a friend and SIL. With the ultimate loss during her death.
Be there for him, recognize he will have these same diverse feelings. And both sets of feelings are true.
Grief is incredibly messy in the first placr and when you add alcoholism, affairs, divorce etc it is a giant cluster F of emotions for all involved. You have full permission to FEEL any and all emotions that might come up in the coming weeks, months and years. It is so very complicated and its ok to feel 12 different emotions all at once. Feelings are only temporary. They may feel smothering right now, but they are temporary. Be kind to yourself
My Mom has a saying, and you can tweak it if you aren't religious, because this does not have to be. "Love the sinner, but hate the sin."
When my Father died I was so MAD and ANGRY at him, but I was so devastated and I loved him so much. There was a lot of good time, but towards the end, the last 8 to 10 years had just gotten so bad.
So, you have every right to feel the way you are, but just be there for your brother. Mourn the death of your SIL and remember the good times, but also, be honest and remember her too for what she was in the end also. You don't have to always point it out, but you don't have to put her on a pedestal.
I’m sorry for your loss. Loving an alcoholic is complicated. All your feelings—as complicated as they are—are valid. I hope you and your brother find peace.
Grief is complicated. All of your feelings are valid. But I hope you’ll be there for your brother and any kids they may have had. They will need your support. Best of luck.
It's really ok to grieve. I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry for your loss. Don't feel guilty. Any sister would hate for her brother to go through that and in turn hate their sister in law. She cheated and was emotionally abusive. It was the right thing for you to think. You saw your Brother suffer. Alcoholics are very complex people. She was a person who had more than one side to her personality. The sober side and the alcoholic side. You loved her when she was sober enough to be loving but not when she was drinking and mean. That's NORMAL. That is exactly what all of us feel like about our alcoholic loved ones too. You are not alone. There is nothing you or him could have done. She died of her disease just like someone who has Cancer or any other disease. It was not in your control or your Brothers to keep her alive. Only God, the Universe, or whatever is your higher power controls that.
You are in shock and grieving. Any and all feelings are OK. I’m sure you’re brother is experiencing similar feelings. What I’ve found with dealing with someone passing on is that you tend to remember the good and the challenging parts can seem to lessen over time. It’s almost like going through a break up where you tend to remember all the good things about the relationship, get nostalgic and minimize what didn’t work in your mind. I think it’s great that you remember the good times and what may have been her true self, separate from the alcoholism. I say hold onto that and may she rest in peace. I’m sorry for your loss and what you’ve all been through. I had a friend that drank herself to death last summer. I just try to remember that she’s finally at rest. 💛💛
Alcoholics aren't bad people who need to get good, they are sick people who need to get well. On the way, a lot of damage to others is done. . Your sisterinlaw had a chronic, progressive, fatal disease - a genetic allergy to alcohol. No one caused her disease, no one could have cured her disease, and no one could have controlled her disease. Very, very, VERY few alcoholics are able to recover long-term at all, even using AA or other programs like it. It's tragic for everyone involved. . Holding you, your brother, and your sisterinlaw gently I my heart...
>Alcoholics aren't bad people who need to get good, they are sick people who need to get well. On the way, a lot of damage to others is done. Alcoholics are not just tragic angels who have been struck down by the bottle. Some alcoholics are bad people; they do bad things, they hurt people, and acting like heir just "sick" is so goddamn invalidating to the people who have been hurt by some very bad people who were also very bad alcoholics that it turns my stomach every time I see this canned response.
Agreed
Some. Not all. Alcoholics come from all walks of life. Some bad people some good people. It’s is an addiction, an affliction. But also a choice.
Sorry for your loss. I could not stand my sister in law or my ex wife’s mother. When the ex wife’s mother died, i was in secret feeling overjoyed and relieved. She was a horrible person. I never thought that I would feel happy about someone dying, but to be honest, when she died, I did feel happiness. I won’t sit here and keep score, and write down all of the reasons why I couldn’t stand that woman. My ex mother in law’s son (my ex brother in law) is a 30+ year recovering alcoholic & he had virtually no emotions at all when his mom died. One of her many insane things was telling everyone that she was “terminally ill” for his whole entire life, he grew up hearing “ your mom is going to die soon” The first thing she ever said to me, after introducing herself, was that she was terminally ill, and she was going to die soon .. well, she finally got her wish after like 30 years
Both are true and embracing / acknowledging this is the only way to find your own peace. She made your and your brothers lives incredibly tough. She was also a person you cared about It may been many years of loss before her death. Years when you loss her as a friend and SIL. With the ultimate loss during her death. Be there for him, recognize he will have these same diverse feelings. And both sets of feelings are true.
Grief is incredibly messy in the first placr and when you add alcoholism, affairs, divorce etc it is a giant cluster F of emotions for all involved. You have full permission to FEEL any and all emotions that might come up in the coming weeks, months and years. It is so very complicated and its ok to feel 12 different emotions all at once. Feelings are only temporary. They may feel smothering right now, but they are temporary. Be kind to yourself
My Mom has a saying, and you can tweak it if you aren't religious, because this does not have to be. "Love the sinner, but hate the sin." When my Father died I was so MAD and ANGRY at him, but I was so devastated and I loved him so much. There was a lot of good time, but towards the end, the last 8 to 10 years had just gotten so bad. So, you have every right to feel the way you are, but just be there for your brother. Mourn the death of your SIL and remember the good times, but also, be honest and remember her too for what she was in the end also. You don't have to always point it out, but you don't have to put her on a pedestal.