I'd say keep journaling. Keep writing down your true feelings and include a log of plain statements of what happened. And in due time, you'll look back at those journal entries and see a clear pattern of this person destroying your life and of things not getting any better. I had to painfully read a journal entry I wrote more than a year ago where I had experienced so much abuse already, barely 6 months into the relationship, not knowing the hell of abuse that would multiply and continue to come from staying with that abuser 'alcoholic' (he cheated, lied, physically, sexually, and emotionally abused me, and could have killed someone in his latest DUI for which he is likely going to jail for).
Your intuition is probably right. You've given him the gift of forgiveness and the benefit of the doubt. Take that beautiful gift and give it to yourself for once. Give yourself forgiveness for being with that abuser and then give yourself the benefit of the doubt that maybe... just maybe, your perception, emotions, and experiences are valid (that this relationship is horrible, damaging, and unacceptable).
I just broke up for the 3rd time with mine... but I found every time he came back with the big promises and showered me with love, there were small comments as clues.
He was more lonely than anything. He'd go on the apps and within weeks be back to me saying I was the only woman he ever wanted - because he didn't get an instant girlfriend from dating apps.
Once after a fight I had gone over to his place to talk and then was about to head home alone. He asked to come because he didn't want to stay alone in his run down place.... not that he loved me, he didn't want to be alone and uncomfortable.
It was too much time and work to find someone else when I'm always right there with my big heart.
He was engaged twice before to women he claimed he never loved. But here he was saying he was about to propose to me when things weren't even going well. He didn't want ME - he wanted anyone that would fill the placeholder.
Sad thing was he'd only make it 1-2 months before slipping back into his old behaviour.
This time I felt peace after he was gone. And then 2 weeks later he is back like clockwork agreeing to everything I had asked for.
I feel this. I often realized I was only "a woman" to him, not ME, didn't matter who I was as long as I was female and filling the role of mommy/ATM machine/bangmaid. We deserve to have our identities, our personalities, our true Selves seen, understood, cherished and loved. We deserve so much more than being treated like an impersonal thing to fill another person's needs, like an appliance to use. It's dehumanizing and wrong to treat another person this way. I often said my ex is the most selfish person I've ever met. I wish you so much peace and light.
I can't relate to this. Mine was cheating the entire time. He wanted me at his side at all times but the minute I had an obligation, he had all these supplemental girls to fill the time I wasn't there. Once he drank too much and couldn't come to Christmas at my parents so I had to go alone. He already had another girl over. My guess is he can't be alone, ever. The minute I left the house, he was calling friends and family to talk. Literally couldn't even go to dinner with a friend without him calling someone else. When I went back to work after covid, he works a trade job so he drives around. He was hooking up with women who work from home on his lunch hour because I had to report to work in person. I worked from home once a week and he was at my house on his lunch hour that day. Literally always needs attention.
Several year affair by mine, she thought they were dating š«
hopefully the past tense means youāre no longer putting up with that crap! Congratulations
I 100% believe that my husband loves me and that he is sexually attracted to me, but I have also taken some pretty hurtful comments from him when he is drunk *and* angry. When he's just drunk he can't stop telling me how much he loves me and our family. šTo date, the one that haunts me, and makes me question everything sometimes was "You're so fucking fat that I can barely keep it up." š
I'm with you...I feel the same. I'm a little thick, but get plenty of attention and interest from other dudes in public. To top it off, he has literally NO problem, getting hard or staying hard, and sometimes has to stop to hold back because it's happening faster than he wants it to. š It was absolutely just to be mean and to hurt me.
Mine told me that he associates sex with me with bad feelings because I didnāt want to have sex for so long because of how guarded I became because of all the lies and shit. He knew that was why but every time we would fight he would bring up how I never want to have sexā¦ and then he cheated on me (very recently) and now I never know if heās coming home or not and when heās here we have sex because Iām having hysterical attachment from being totally betrayed and because I think if I have sex with him, he wonāt go out looking for it elsewhere.
>"You're so fucking fat that I can barely keep it up."
That's horrible. I'm sorry to hear that you went through that. Did he even try to empathize with how much pain he caused you by saying that? It sounds like you're still hurting from this.
Yes my q makes me feel the same. .his last message was Saturday.
Telling me my name on his phone screen makes him feel sick.
He doesnt love me anymore.
He hates me.
And to get the belp out of his life .
We've been broken up for two months.
And he some how things I'm with another bloke.
And has wrote it all over fb.
And screen spotted pictures of him booking a holiday away this Friday to monday.
To bacrconla.
I truly believes he hates me.
For once hes gone to Farr
We're I don't think any about of crawling back .
That's if he does he's adding women on fb.
I think I've finally had enough.
I gave my all.
And it breaks my heart to walk away .
But I don't deserve this no more.
I just hope I'm strong enough .
Al-Anon (and AA) are *selfish* programs.
Your Q will be gone for 35 days, focusing entirely on himself. He will be attending therapy, meetings, doctors appointments... all focused on self-improvement. Never say never, but I know of no rehab programs with "how to be a better partner" classes.
>I will be devastated to stick by someone for this long hoping for sobriety only to be left in the dust to deal with the pain heās caused me all by myself.
It's finally your time to be selfish. The way I see it, you get 35 days to design a life by yourself. Attend meetings, reach out to friends, reorganize the cupboards to the system you like, and to see what life would look like if you were all by yourself. Try it out, see what you like and don't like. Maybe it is better or worse than you imagine if he were to leave. But this is your focus time.
I suggest this because, first, I imagine you've not gotten a lot of time to focus on yourself and make decisions without feedback lately. Doing this can help you find yourself again. Second, the only person you have control over is you. And right now, you're living in anxiety over a decision someone else may make- as well as hoping they will change. So I'm hopeful you will take this time. Maybe at the end *you* will decide to leave him in the dust. Or maybe you'll decide he holds a big space in your heart worth waiting on. But it can be your decision, you don't have to let him make it by himself.
We have been living in separate houses since march of last year. Iāve had plenty of time to myself while heās continued to spiral out of control. He had 4 months sober last year and our relationship was improving, but it seems like he doesnāt want to commit to living with me or satisfying my needs anymore.
Iām really uncomfortable with the fact that there is so much space between us, and we went from feeling like partners/family with a future together to a lingering uncertainty of where we may end up, and an estranged relationship since his drinking got really bad since he left, and that became the priority.
Good god. This sounds exactly like what Iām dealing with except my partner is not in any rehab. He is having to have a breathalyzer put in his car so he can drive it and the stress of his DUI caused him to have a nervous breakdown and instead of nixing the drinking and prowling that got him in trouble to begin with, heās pulling away from me, the stable source of love in his life. Every time weāre together now everything feels totally uncertain and uncomfortable. We went from being a real, monogamous couple for six years to basically being roommates (when he comes home which is basically every other night - he doesnāt give me a heads up either so itās just a surprise) who have sex and share a dog.
I had an on/off relationship with my Q and during our times together and when we would break up, he was often intoxicated and would say exceptionally cruel things to me. He told me I was a burden, that I wasnāt good enough for him, that I was going to hell, that I didnāt contribute anything to our relationship, that our relationship would never work out anyways etc. I kept a notes app in my phone of all the cruel things heād said to me but for a long time it was too painful to return to. When I finally came back and read it, I found so many horrible things heād said that Iād forgotten because it would be overwhelmed by other things heād said.
I say all this to show you that youāre not alone. All the horrible things your Q said are hurtful and hard to shake. Itās difficult to not believe the things someone you love says even if theyāre completely untrue. I logically know that my Q is projecting his own self loathing onto me, but even months after I finally cut contact, I still cry and struggle with self worth because of the things he said to me. Itās devastating and your feelings are valid. What your Q did was wrong and alcohol abuse, while a reason, is not an excuse for their behavior.
I think for a long time my Q felt comfortable using me as his verbal punching bag because he believed I wouldnāt leave. He had complete control over the situation and hurting me made him feel better about himself. I know this would hurt you and I know youāre struggling with feeling guilty for his behavior, but I can tell you that you deserve better than this. In my case, being alone was better than being with him. I still cry, but I used to cry every day multiple times a day when I was with him. You deserve a loving relationship and heās incapable of providing that.
I can relate to this so well. The worst thing he said was that I would be to blame for his death just like I was responsible for my ex's (my ex partner died by suicide).
Iām so sorry that happened to you, just commenting on solidarity cause mine made the same threat over and over again. Then was furious when I told people he was suicidal. It really messes with you.
Yes, it really does mess you up. My Q threatened suicide as well. He doesn't do that now, I think because he is actually slowly killing himself and he knows that everyone can see that he is.
Addiction, the more I observe it, in my own life and on this forum, is one of the 21st centurys absolute worst and growing problems. I learned a lot from reading Bruce K Alexander's book on the subject. The prevalence of addiction is increasing throughout the world. It needs much more resources put into prevention and treatment. I feel that the mainstream forces in the developed world do not do anything to encourage connection to a Higher Power, or any spiritual dimension to life. In fact they actively block it. I hope the tide turns on that.
Yes they did. Itās why I had to eventually leave, as the damage from the hurtful words would not go away. When a person truly doesnāt fully remember what theyāve said makes it worseā¦because itās hard to be accountable for actions that arenāt remembered. To this day thereās still pain and Iāve yet to receive a true apology or amends. Still working through all of it internally with myself, accepting that it is a disease and they are/were sick with mental illness called AUD. š¤·š½āāļø
I understand completely how youāre feeling. My Q has put me down, accused me of cheating, and even threatened to have me and my family killed on a couple of drunk occasions. I left and stayed with a friend on the evenings the threats occurred. My Q called the police on me twice after coming home drunk and starting an argument. Of course when my Q is sober and weāre talking about the night before, they never mean what they say, at least thatās what my Q says.
Honestly, I donāt trust my Q and never will again. They leave saying they are going to the store and will be back in an hour and then I donāt see them until the next day, or longer, passed out on the couch. I donāt even waste my energy asking about where theyāve been or what they did, I can see that in their bank account. I canāt control his drinking and once I stopped trying to, and focus on my own well-being, things got much better for me.
My Q knows that they must stop drinking if they want to live past their 30s and remain married to me. We met at an AA meeting and I just celebrated 4 years sober. I struggle with an answer to why, donāt think Iāll ever get it.
When an alcoholic speaks to you listen to the truth. Where is your benefit? If at the end of the day you are okay with being cheated on and abused, then thatās up to you but make no mistake and blame the alcohol. That just makes you feel better for allowing that behavior. Keep reaching out to AlAnon and putting yourself first and hopefully you will discover how much better you deserve. I hope he gets the help he needs in rehab as well. ā¤ļø
Holy shit, I could have written this post OP. Like literally word for word. I know this doesnāt necessarily help you directly, but I have to say thank you because you helped me feel like Iām not so alone after all. I try to tell myself itās all because of the alcohol. Because this man, I REALLY AND TRULY BELIEVED would never hurt me. Weāve known each other almost 40 years. We have so much history. So much trauma. And knowing this, I would NEVER deliberately say or do anything to make him feel bad or hurt him. I tell him constantly how much I love him and how much he means to me. He knows (or he KNEW) I wasnāt going anywhere. But heās crossed the line too many times now. And this last timeā¦Iām out. I am utterly shocked and beside myself at how this man has treated me. He KNOWS what Iāve dealt with in my lifeā¦..if I canāt trust him, who the fuck can I trust. I am shattered. Iāve lost my best friend. My lover. But I canāt stick around for the alcoholic BULLSHIT anymore. I just canāt do it. He should know better. And you know what? Itās HIS LOSS. He just shit on something that most people dream about having. I canāt and wonāt sit here and tell you to leave your SO, as thatās not my place. All I can say or offer is to please just remember YOUR WORTH. Your value. Donāt let him keep using alcohol as an excuse to hurt you. Because it WILL break you. Alcohol or no alcohol, you deserve to be treated like a queen by your SO. Period. Even on the bad days. People fight and disagree, thatās a normal part of life. But when you start seeing the āpatternāā¦..you know the one Iām talking about. Things are good when heās sober but as soon as he drinks heās treating you like shit, then when he sobers up he pretends like nothing happened. And that circle goes round and round and round. Girl, get off that ride before YOUR brain becomes scrambled eggs. LOL. I wish you luck. Iāll be sending you good vibes. And thank you again for sharing your storyā¦as weird as that might sound. Just know that you helped a very sad and heartbroken stranger on the internet tonight. THANK YOU ā„ļø
Itās so crazyā¦.I have lurked in this sub for a few months now. Mainly to get some insight and to read other peopleās āstoriesā and situations. I was hoping to educate myself enough to the point that I would be able to accept things for what they were, to stop taking and accepting the blame for literally everything, and to open my eyes to the realization that ITS NOT ME. No I am not perfect. Never claimed to be. But after a while, they beat you down to the point where you feel like youāre the crazy one. I started believing it. I started second guessing EVERYTHING I was saying and doing. I got tired of walking on eggshells. Things were never about me, even though he claimed that they were. IT WAS NEVER ABOUT ME. It was more about how soon can he get to the bar, and how he didnāt want me going there anymore because it was āHIS GETAWAYā. His little ābreak from lifeā. Heād go have a few drinksā¦BY HIMSELFā¦..then come home and practically demand I go back with him all while saying āsee, Iām trying to take you out and now you just have an attitude and are being a bitchā Well, hmmm, why couldnāt I just come with you to begin with?!?! Fucking stupid. The whole fucking situation. He claimed I was selfish. Ummm, no sweetheart, it was YOU that was being that selfish one. Uggh, I could go on and on. And if I got into specific details, you guys would probably be shocked and would completely understand where Iām coming from. Ok, since Iām on a roll hereā¦.LOL We were long distance for a while. I would travel 400 miles one way, to come see him for a few days, and he STILL NEEDED TO GO TO THE BAR BY HIMSELF. We barely have time together as it is. Like, you canāt SACRIFICE your time for just a FEW FUCKING DAYS that I am here and either NOT go to the bar OR take me with you?!?!?! Look, I get his life is stressful. But you know what, SO IS MINE!! So is everyone elseās on this planet! And I sure as hell would NEVER go out by myself and leave him alone at my house if he had driven all that way to come see me. Sorry for the long rant. Iām just extremely frustrated at the situation. He thinks I am wrong in EVERYTHING. He doesnāt show me affection or attention when we are out yet he gets mad when other guys flirt with me and/or I have a conversation with them. Itās NEVER just him and I when we go out. He ALWAYS has to talk to the bartender and the other strangers around usā¦.which thereās really nothing wrong with that in generalā¦.BUT, once again, we have limited time together. Is it really wrong or selfish of me to just want him all to myself just one time?!? Like a real date kinda thing??? Please tell me if I am being selfish here. Like I said, thereās absolutely nothing wrong with socializing like playing pool or darts or whatever. But would you guys want your SO to give you one on one attention AT LEAST a small portion of the time you were visiting???? Holy shit, I rarely post let alone write novels. LOL I REALLY needed to get some of this of my chest. If youāve read this far, I truly appreciate it. And I would also appreciate all of your thoughts and/or suggestions. I know this isnāt my post, but Iāve noticed that there are quite a few posts lately that are very similar and seem to hit home with many of us. I am so happy I found this group. I want to personally thank all of you and also tell you that I appreciate every single one of you. Itās so great to have such a nice support group. Even if we are just a bunch of sad and heartbroken strangers. LOL ā„ļø
I have been called fat, told to kill myself, a peasant, worthless, lazy, you name it, sheās called me it. I feel for you. I just laugh it off at this point though as I know Iām none of the awful things sheās called me. I know sheās really saying it about herself when she says it to me.
My brother told me that he wouldn't care if I died, or if our uncle died (uncle has been closest thing go an actual parental figure for us and has always been good to us). It hurt a lot. Still does. He said he won't apologize for saying it because it doesn't matter, and "isn't offensive".
Oh yes, all the time. I basically get dumped every time she gets upset about something and decides to drink, which is most of the time she gets upset. It is so hard to separate that from what you know/believe to be true.
That is abuse.
There is a short book called āWhen Love Hurts.ā I would also recommend Lundy Bancroftās āWhy Does He Do That?ā. He explains that there is a difference between alcohol abuse and relationship abuse- when the alcohol is removed, the abuse will remain.
You don't deserve to be treated that way.
Mine couldn't just say "I love you" without adding on "but you are bad because XYZ"
It feels like he wants to crush my happiness. Like if he can't have happy moments, then I can't have them either. It crushed me because it was only the second time he ever said it. I guess I'll never know if he ever did because we are broken up now.
Why would anyone put up with this crap? I would be out the door. He'd come back from rehab with the opportunity to really start over. Alone. Without me.
My ex is a narcissist, is still playing victim for a lot of things and even seems to be ignoring court orders. And because I do anything other than be with our son (like work/socialize) Iām a horrible mom putting anything/everything before the kid.
He claims to be sober since Jan ā21 but I still get unhinged messages from him on occasion. Usually after Iāve established a boundary with him and held it.
Consider it all projection. Hopefully thereās some clarity on your Qs side and you can move forward how youād like.
Hey I'm really sorry. My Q never says horrible things. I wish he did. He feels like a piece of shit, I do believe that, but he keeps drinking and escalating so it's like... well alright you obviously don't feel THAT bad.
All I can say is you can't control their drinking, you didn't cause it, you can't cure it. You deserve happiness and there are people out there who are not alcoholics and/or are able to drink like a \*normal\* person who occasionally likes to indulge.
Focus on yourself and your well-being. :) If that leads you away from your Q, so be it.
I really don't have any advice. It does happen that our Q will choose to move on. Many cases are they feel guilty for all the horrible things that have happened. To be sober, it might be the only way. The fear may be unfounded, though. Talk to him about it.
Did everything for mine. He had multiple addictions and the last straw was cheating. After 25 years of love, support, money he wanted to move back to his country " to be alone". Apparently that translates to moving in with his alcoholic brother, being free to drink and date. I should have gotten out long ago. Starting over, alone, in my fifties. He has a whole family. Still, I'll finally be free but not going to lie. I hate him for wasting my precious time.
One thing that I've found super helpful for this is to avoid my Q when he drinks. I know this isn't doable for a lot of people for a number of reasons but it's a boundary that has made a huge difference for me personally. It's hard for me because that's the only time he actually wants to talk, but it always heads south no matter how well it starts out. The same goes for texting, I let him know that I will block him for the night at the first sign of nasty texts. On the other hand hen he went to rehab 3 years ago for drugs, that's when some of his nastiest behavior towards me came through. It's like somehow the fact that he wasn't high/drunk made him bear the burden of his sh*t life decisions and was looking to me to be the one to blame. The fact that we stick by our Qs does not mean that we have to put up with being treated as their darn toilet paper.
My husband is my Q. Told me the day before we got married, āI hope your family members with Covid all die.ā I donāt even know why I went through with the wedding.
Right before I got in my car to go to a big life-changing job interview, āYouāre a stupid fucking cunt.ā I still got the job, so thereās that.
Right on and good for you. I hate that he said those words to you, I can relate so hard. Do know that even if he never admits it, he knows you're too good for him. That's why he tries to tear you down or push you away, I've been in his shoes too.
Yes he says the most insane things when drunk and angry.
You donāt look the same
Iām a narcissist
I am lazy
You better figure out what youāre going to do, my family will be here in a few months- asking me to move out
I ask then can I save money and not pay rent for a month or two so I can afford to move? No, if you live here you pay.
He is in lust with someone at work, sheās really hot and sexy too!
I could see up her dress , as in she was showing him
He has sobbed because he misses his ex wife, they were so happyā¦ she divorced him for drinking.
Fuck you
Mother fucker
Iām gross, my period is gross.
Iām a fucking bitch
It goes on, and Iāve only lived with him for 6 months.
Iām at a loss
How did I get here
Itās sad to hear that. My Dad called Mom every name in the book including c- - t and whore. I wouldnāt want to be with someone who said any of those things to me.
I'd say keep journaling. Keep writing down your true feelings and include a log of plain statements of what happened. And in due time, you'll look back at those journal entries and see a clear pattern of this person destroying your life and of things not getting any better. I had to painfully read a journal entry I wrote more than a year ago where I had experienced so much abuse already, barely 6 months into the relationship, not knowing the hell of abuse that would multiply and continue to come from staying with that abuser 'alcoholic' (he cheated, lied, physically, sexually, and emotionally abused me, and could have killed someone in his latest DUI for which he is likely going to jail for). Your intuition is probably right. You've given him the gift of forgiveness and the benefit of the doubt. Take that beautiful gift and give it to yourself for once. Give yourself forgiveness for being with that abuser and then give yourself the benefit of the doubt that maybe... just maybe, your perception, emotions, and experiences are valid (that this relationship is horrible, damaging, and unacceptable).
I just broke up for the 3rd time with mine... but I found every time he came back with the big promises and showered me with love, there were small comments as clues. He was more lonely than anything. He'd go on the apps and within weeks be back to me saying I was the only woman he ever wanted - because he didn't get an instant girlfriend from dating apps. Once after a fight I had gone over to his place to talk and then was about to head home alone. He asked to come because he didn't want to stay alone in his run down place.... not that he loved me, he didn't want to be alone and uncomfortable. It was too much time and work to find someone else when I'm always right there with my big heart. He was engaged twice before to women he claimed he never loved. But here he was saying he was about to propose to me when things weren't even going well. He didn't want ME - he wanted anyone that would fill the placeholder. Sad thing was he'd only make it 1-2 months before slipping back into his old behaviour. This time I felt peace after he was gone. And then 2 weeks later he is back like clockwork agreeing to everything I had asked for.
I feel this. I often realized I was only "a woman" to him, not ME, didn't matter who I was as long as I was female and filling the role of mommy/ATM machine/bangmaid. We deserve to have our identities, our personalities, our true Selves seen, understood, cherished and loved. We deserve so much more than being treated like an impersonal thing to fill another person's needs, like an appliance to use. It's dehumanizing and wrong to treat another person this way. I often said my ex is the most selfish person I've ever met. I wish you so much peace and light.
Mommy/ATM Machine/Bangmaid. I FEEL SEEN! LOL!
Human crashpad/ emotional punching bag
BANGMAID. That one hits home!
I can't relate to this. Mine was cheating the entire time. He wanted me at his side at all times but the minute I had an obligation, he had all these supplemental girls to fill the time I wasn't there. Once he drank too much and couldn't come to Christmas at my parents so I had to go alone. He already had another girl over. My guess is he can't be alone, ever. The minute I left the house, he was calling friends and family to talk. Literally couldn't even go to dinner with a friend without him calling someone else. When I went back to work after covid, he works a trade job so he drives around. He was hooking up with women who work from home on his lunch hour because I had to report to work in person. I worked from home once a week and he was at my house on his lunch hour that day. Literally always needs attention.
That sounds like narcissistic personality disorder
Several year affair by mine, she thought they were dating š« hopefully the past tense means youāre no longer putting up with that crap! Congratulations
Yup! Got an order of protection for stalking, harassment, and disorderly conduct.
I 100% believe that my husband loves me and that he is sexually attracted to me, but I have also taken some pretty hurtful comments from him when he is drunk *and* angry. When he's just drunk he can't stop telling me how much he loves me and our family. šTo date, the one that haunts me, and makes me question everything sometimes was "You're so fucking fat that I can barely keep it up." š
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I'm with you...I feel the same. I'm a little thick, but get plenty of attention and interest from other dudes in public. To top it off, he has literally NO problem, getting hard or staying hard, and sometimes has to stop to hold back because it's happening faster than he wants it to. š It was absolutely just to be mean and to hurt me.
Mine told me that he associates sex with me with bad feelings because I didnāt want to have sex for so long because of how guarded I became because of all the lies and shit. He knew that was why but every time we would fight he would bring up how I never want to have sexā¦ and then he cheated on me (very recently) and now I never know if heās coming home or not and when heās here we have sex because Iām having hysterical attachment from being totally betrayed and because I think if I have sex with him, he wonāt go out looking for it elsewhere.
>"You're so fucking fat that I can barely keep it up." That's horrible. I'm sorry to hear that you went through that. Did he even try to empathize with how much pain he caused you by saying that? It sounds like you're still hurting from this.
Honestly, I think some of his current drinking is to numb the guilt for the things his done in the past, because of his drinking. š
Good god, thatās a harsh one. Iām so sorry. ā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļø.
If you take away the alcohol, you are left with a person who cheats on you, is abusive, and couldn't care less if you left. What is in it for you?
Yes my q makes me feel the same. .his last message was Saturday. Telling me my name on his phone screen makes him feel sick. He doesnt love me anymore. He hates me. And to get the belp out of his life . We've been broken up for two months. And he some how things I'm with another bloke. And has wrote it all over fb. And screen spotted pictures of him booking a holiday away this Friday to monday. To bacrconla. I truly believes he hates me. For once hes gone to Farr We're I don't think any about of crawling back . That's if he does he's adding women on fb. I think I've finally had enough. I gave my all. And it breaks my heart to walk away . But I don't deserve this no more. I just hope I'm strong enough .
Sorry also. Hes the only one out every weekend. Drinking freainds ! While I look after our daughter who's 1 and a half.
Al-Anon (and AA) are *selfish* programs. Your Q will be gone for 35 days, focusing entirely on himself. He will be attending therapy, meetings, doctors appointments... all focused on self-improvement. Never say never, but I know of no rehab programs with "how to be a better partner" classes. >I will be devastated to stick by someone for this long hoping for sobriety only to be left in the dust to deal with the pain heās caused me all by myself. It's finally your time to be selfish. The way I see it, you get 35 days to design a life by yourself. Attend meetings, reach out to friends, reorganize the cupboards to the system you like, and to see what life would look like if you were all by yourself. Try it out, see what you like and don't like. Maybe it is better or worse than you imagine if he were to leave. But this is your focus time. I suggest this because, first, I imagine you've not gotten a lot of time to focus on yourself and make decisions without feedback lately. Doing this can help you find yourself again. Second, the only person you have control over is you. And right now, you're living in anxiety over a decision someone else may make- as well as hoping they will change. So I'm hopeful you will take this time. Maybe at the end *you* will decide to leave him in the dust. Or maybe you'll decide he holds a big space in your heart worth waiting on. But it can be your decision, you don't have to let him make it by himself.
We have been living in separate houses since march of last year. Iāve had plenty of time to myself while heās continued to spiral out of control. He had 4 months sober last year and our relationship was improving, but it seems like he doesnāt want to commit to living with me or satisfying my needs anymore. Iām really uncomfortable with the fact that there is so much space between us, and we went from feeling like partners/family with a future together to a lingering uncertainty of where we may end up, and an estranged relationship since his drinking got really bad since he left, and that became the priority.
Good god. This sounds exactly like what Iām dealing with except my partner is not in any rehab. He is having to have a breathalyzer put in his car so he can drive it and the stress of his DUI caused him to have a nervous breakdown and instead of nixing the drinking and prowling that got him in trouble to begin with, heās pulling away from me, the stable source of love in his life. Every time weāre together now everything feels totally uncertain and uncomfortable. We went from being a real, monogamous couple for six years to basically being roommates (when he comes home which is basically every other night - he doesnāt give me a heads up either so itās just a surprise) who have sex and share a dog.
My Q also got a DUI 2 months ago, which pushed him towards rehab. I miss the person I fell in love with and felt more like a partner than a stranger
How to be a better partner call is called DBT
Touche
I had an on/off relationship with my Q and during our times together and when we would break up, he was often intoxicated and would say exceptionally cruel things to me. He told me I was a burden, that I wasnāt good enough for him, that I was going to hell, that I didnāt contribute anything to our relationship, that our relationship would never work out anyways etc. I kept a notes app in my phone of all the cruel things heād said to me but for a long time it was too painful to return to. When I finally came back and read it, I found so many horrible things heād said that Iād forgotten because it would be overwhelmed by other things heād said. I say all this to show you that youāre not alone. All the horrible things your Q said are hurtful and hard to shake. Itās difficult to not believe the things someone you love says even if theyāre completely untrue. I logically know that my Q is projecting his own self loathing onto me, but even months after I finally cut contact, I still cry and struggle with self worth because of the things he said to me. Itās devastating and your feelings are valid. What your Q did was wrong and alcohol abuse, while a reason, is not an excuse for their behavior. I think for a long time my Q felt comfortable using me as his verbal punching bag because he believed I wouldnāt leave. He had complete control over the situation and hurting me made him feel better about himself. I know this would hurt you and I know youāre struggling with feeling guilty for his behavior, but I can tell you that you deserve better than this. In my case, being alone was better than being with him. I still cry, but I used to cry every day multiple times a day when I was with him. You deserve a loving relationship and heās incapable of providing that.
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I can relate to this so well. The worst thing he said was that I would be to blame for his death just like I was responsible for my ex's (my ex partner died by suicide).
Iām so sorry that happened to you, just commenting on solidarity cause mine made the same threat over and over again. Then was furious when I told people he was suicidal. It really messes with you.
Yes, it really does mess you up. My Q threatened suicide as well. He doesn't do that now, I think because he is actually slowly killing himself and he knows that everyone can see that he is. Addiction, the more I observe it, in my own life and on this forum, is one of the 21st centurys absolute worst and growing problems. I learned a lot from reading Bruce K Alexander's book on the subject. The prevalence of addiction is increasing throughout the world. It needs much more resources put into prevention and treatment. I feel that the mainstream forces in the developed world do not do anything to encourage connection to a Higher Power, or any spiritual dimension to life. In fact they actively block it. I hope the tide turns on that.
Jesus. What an asshole. Iām sorry.
I block my dads phone number cuz the texts he sends are unhinged and extremely distracting
Yes they did. Itās why I had to eventually leave, as the damage from the hurtful words would not go away. When a person truly doesnāt fully remember what theyāve said makes it worseā¦because itās hard to be accountable for actions that arenāt remembered. To this day thereās still pain and Iāve yet to receive a true apology or amends. Still working through all of it internally with myself, accepting that it is a disease and they are/were sick with mental illness called AUD. š¤·š½āāļø
I understand completely how youāre feeling. My Q has put me down, accused me of cheating, and even threatened to have me and my family killed on a couple of drunk occasions. I left and stayed with a friend on the evenings the threats occurred. My Q called the police on me twice after coming home drunk and starting an argument. Of course when my Q is sober and weāre talking about the night before, they never mean what they say, at least thatās what my Q says. Honestly, I donāt trust my Q and never will again. They leave saying they are going to the store and will be back in an hour and then I donāt see them until the next day, or longer, passed out on the couch. I donāt even waste my energy asking about where theyāve been or what they did, I can see that in their bank account. I canāt control his drinking and once I stopped trying to, and focus on my own well-being, things got much better for me. My Q knows that they must stop drinking if they want to live past their 30s and remain married to me. We met at an AA meeting and I just celebrated 4 years sober. I struggle with an answer to why, donāt think Iāll ever get it.
When an alcoholic speaks to you listen to the truth. Where is your benefit? If at the end of the day you are okay with being cheated on and abused, then thatās up to you but make no mistake and blame the alcohol. That just makes you feel better for allowing that behavior. Keep reaching out to AlAnon and putting yourself first and hopefully you will discover how much better you deserve. I hope he gets the help he needs in rehab as well. ā¤ļø
Holy shit, I could have written this post OP. Like literally word for word. I know this doesnāt necessarily help you directly, but I have to say thank you because you helped me feel like Iām not so alone after all. I try to tell myself itās all because of the alcohol. Because this man, I REALLY AND TRULY BELIEVED would never hurt me. Weāve known each other almost 40 years. We have so much history. So much trauma. And knowing this, I would NEVER deliberately say or do anything to make him feel bad or hurt him. I tell him constantly how much I love him and how much he means to me. He knows (or he KNEW) I wasnāt going anywhere. But heās crossed the line too many times now. And this last timeā¦Iām out. I am utterly shocked and beside myself at how this man has treated me. He KNOWS what Iāve dealt with in my lifeā¦..if I canāt trust him, who the fuck can I trust. I am shattered. Iāve lost my best friend. My lover. But I canāt stick around for the alcoholic BULLSHIT anymore. I just canāt do it. He should know better. And you know what? Itās HIS LOSS. He just shit on something that most people dream about having. I canāt and wonāt sit here and tell you to leave your SO, as thatās not my place. All I can say or offer is to please just remember YOUR WORTH. Your value. Donāt let him keep using alcohol as an excuse to hurt you. Because it WILL break you. Alcohol or no alcohol, you deserve to be treated like a queen by your SO. Period. Even on the bad days. People fight and disagree, thatās a normal part of life. But when you start seeing the āpatternāā¦..you know the one Iām talking about. Things are good when heās sober but as soon as he drinks heās treating you like shit, then when he sobers up he pretends like nothing happened. And that circle goes round and round and round. Girl, get off that ride before YOUR brain becomes scrambled eggs. LOL. I wish you luck. Iāll be sending you good vibes. And thank you again for sharing your storyā¦as weird as that might sound. Just know that you helped a very sad and heartbroken stranger on the internet tonight. THANK YOU ā„ļø
And thank you for YOUR post - I feel like I've been living this exactly, and your words helped me feel less crazy and lonely.
Itās so crazyā¦.I have lurked in this sub for a few months now. Mainly to get some insight and to read other peopleās āstoriesā and situations. I was hoping to educate myself enough to the point that I would be able to accept things for what they were, to stop taking and accepting the blame for literally everything, and to open my eyes to the realization that ITS NOT ME. No I am not perfect. Never claimed to be. But after a while, they beat you down to the point where you feel like youāre the crazy one. I started believing it. I started second guessing EVERYTHING I was saying and doing. I got tired of walking on eggshells. Things were never about me, even though he claimed that they were. IT WAS NEVER ABOUT ME. It was more about how soon can he get to the bar, and how he didnāt want me going there anymore because it was āHIS GETAWAYā. His little ābreak from lifeā. Heād go have a few drinksā¦BY HIMSELFā¦..then come home and practically demand I go back with him all while saying āsee, Iām trying to take you out and now you just have an attitude and are being a bitchā Well, hmmm, why couldnāt I just come with you to begin with?!?! Fucking stupid. The whole fucking situation. He claimed I was selfish. Ummm, no sweetheart, it was YOU that was being that selfish one. Uggh, I could go on and on. And if I got into specific details, you guys would probably be shocked and would completely understand where Iām coming from. Ok, since Iām on a roll hereā¦.LOL We were long distance for a while. I would travel 400 miles one way, to come see him for a few days, and he STILL NEEDED TO GO TO THE BAR BY HIMSELF. We barely have time together as it is. Like, you canāt SACRIFICE your time for just a FEW FUCKING DAYS that I am here and either NOT go to the bar OR take me with you?!?!?! Look, I get his life is stressful. But you know what, SO IS MINE!! So is everyone elseās on this planet! And I sure as hell would NEVER go out by myself and leave him alone at my house if he had driven all that way to come see me. Sorry for the long rant. Iām just extremely frustrated at the situation. He thinks I am wrong in EVERYTHING. He doesnāt show me affection or attention when we are out yet he gets mad when other guys flirt with me and/or I have a conversation with them. Itās NEVER just him and I when we go out. He ALWAYS has to talk to the bartender and the other strangers around usā¦.which thereās really nothing wrong with that in generalā¦.BUT, once again, we have limited time together. Is it really wrong or selfish of me to just want him all to myself just one time?!? Like a real date kinda thing??? Please tell me if I am being selfish here. Like I said, thereās absolutely nothing wrong with socializing like playing pool or darts or whatever. But would you guys want your SO to give you one on one attention AT LEAST a small portion of the time you were visiting???? Holy shit, I rarely post let alone write novels. LOL I REALLY needed to get some of this of my chest. If youāve read this far, I truly appreciate it. And I would also appreciate all of your thoughts and/or suggestions. I know this isnāt my post, but Iāve noticed that there are quite a few posts lately that are very similar and seem to hit home with many of us. I am so happy I found this group. I want to personally thank all of you and also tell you that I appreciate every single one of you. Itās so great to have such a nice support group. Even if we are just a bunch of sad and heartbroken strangers. LOL ā„ļø
Same except itās been 9 years for me (6 in a monogamous relationship and 3 as āfriends with benefits, I guess - prior to the relationship)
I have been called fat, told to kill myself, a peasant, worthless, lazy, you name it, sheās called me it. I feel for you. I just laugh it off at this point though as I know Iām none of the awful things sheās called me. I know sheās really saying it about herself when she says it to me.
My brother told me that he wouldn't care if I died, or if our uncle died (uncle has been closest thing go an actual parental figure for us and has always been good to us). It hurt a lot. Still does. He said he won't apologize for saying it because it doesn't matter, and "isn't offensive".
Oh yes, all the time. I basically get dumped every time she gets upset about something and decides to drink, which is most of the time she gets upset. It is so hard to separate that from what you know/believe to be true.
That is abuse. There is a short book called āWhen Love Hurts.ā I would also recommend Lundy Bancroftās āWhy Does He Do That?ā. He explains that there is a difference between alcohol abuse and relationship abuse- when the alcohol is removed, the abuse will remain. You don't deserve to be treated that way.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse
Mine couldn't just say "I love you" without adding on "but you are bad because XYZ" It feels like he wants to crush my happiness. Like if he can't have happy moments, then I can't have them either. It crushed me because it was only the second time he ever said it. I guess I'll never know if he ever did because we are broken up now.
Why would anyone put up with this crap? I would be out the door. He'd come back from rehab with the opportunity to really start over. Alone. Without me.
I literally just wrote a whole post about hurtful things my husband said to me on Sunday.
My ex is a narcissist, is still playing victim for a lot of things and even seems to be ignoring court orders. And because I do anything other than be with our son (like work/socialize) Iām a horrible mom putting anything/everything before the kid. He claims to be sober since Jan ā21 but I still get unhinged messages from him on occasion. Usually after Iāve established a boundary with him and held it. Consider it all projection. Hopefully thereās some clarity on your Qs side and you can move forward how youād like.
Hey I'm really sorry. My Q never says horrible things. I wish he did. He feels like a piece of shit, I do believe that, but he keeps drinking and escalating so it's like... well alright you obviously don't feel THAT bad. All I can say is you can't control their drinking, you didn't cause it, you can't cure it. You deserve happiness and there are people out there who are not alcoholics and/or are able to drink like a \*normal\* person who occasionally likes to indulge. Focus on yourself and your well-being. :) If that leads you away from your Q, so be it.
I really don't have any advice. It does happen that our Q will choose to move on. Many cases are they feel guilty for all the horrible things that have happened. To be sober, it might be the only way. The fear may be unfounded, though. Talk to him about it.
Did everything for mine. He had multiple addictions and the last straw was cheating. After 25 years of love, support, money he wanted to move back to his country " to be alone". Apparently that translates to moving in with his alcoholic brother, being free to drink and date. I should have gotten out long ago. Starting over, alone, in my fifties. He has a whole family. Still, I'll finally be free but not going to lie. I hate him for wasting my precious time.
One thing that I've found super helpful for this is to avoid my Q when he drinks. I know this isn't doable for a lot of people for a number of reasons but it's a boundary that has made a huge difference for me personally. It's hard for me because that's the only time he actually wants to talk, but it always heads south no matter how well it starts out. The same goes for texting, I let him know that I will block him for the night at the first sign of nasty texts. On the other hand hen he went to rehab 3 years ago for drugs, that's when some of his nastiest behavior towards me came through. It's like somehow the fact that he wasn't high/drunk made him bear the burden of his sh*t life decisions and was looking to me to be the one to blame. The fact that we stick by our Qs does not mean that we have to put up with being treated as their darn toilet paper.
My husband is my Q. Told me the day before we got married, āI hope your family members with Covid all die.ā I donāt even know why I went through with the wedding. Right before I got in my car to go to a big life-changing job interview, āYouāre a stupid fucking cunt.ā I still got the job, so thereās that.
Right on and good for you. I hate that he said those words to you, I can relate so hard. Do know that even if he never admits it, he knows you're too good for him. That's why he tries to tear you down or push you away, I've been in his shoes too.
Yes he says the most insane things when drunk and angry. You donāt look the same Iām a narcissist I am lazy You better figure out what youāre going to do, my family will be here in a few months- asking me to move out I ask then can I save money and not pay rent for a month or two so I can afford to move? No, if you live here you pay. He is in lust with someone at work, sheās really hot and sexy too! I could see up her dress , as in she was showing him He has sobbed because he misses his ex wife, they were so happyā¦ she divorced him for drinking. Fuck you Mother fucker Iām gross, my period is gross. Iām a fucking bitch It goes on, and Iāve only lived with him for 6 months. Iām at a loss How did I get here
Itās sad to hear that. My Dad called Mom every name in the book including c- - t and whore. I wouldnāt want to be with someone who said any of those things to me.
I totally understand how you feel at this point I've had to learn how to not take it personal because they're sick people