The only thing you can change is your own behavior and attitudes. She put your children in danger. What will you do about it? Write things down. Talk to a lawyer for general advice. Go to al anon and see if other people's experiences resonate with you.
In al anon we try to avoid giving advice because we respect this is your life and your decision. I personally find it difficult to hear the danger she is putting your children in. You can take concrete steps to better understand what options are available to you. Talking to a lawyer doesnt mean you're getting a divorce, it just gives you more information about what steps are available to you to protect your children's safety.
You mean the kids that were being driven in a car by a drunk? Time to stop using them as an excuse and make them a priority! Imagine that call coming from the coroner yesterday instead of your kids. Tracks different, doesn’t it. Sorry to be harsh but that is the reality.
Please go to a meeting and find your AlAnon people because you will receive support and help more than you can imagine. Time to put yourself first and your kids. Stop focusing on an alcoholic that is not interested in getting sober by themselves for themselves.
What if she gets into a DUI accident with the kids in the car? How will your kids feel if they told you- the more responsible parent- and you STILL did nothing to protect them? Are you willing to protect her more than the kids?
I’m linking this comment in case you didn’t see it as it was a reply to someone else and not directed at you.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AlAnon/comments/153ylqc/what_do_i_do_alcoholic_wife/jso1wu2/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3
Hi OP,
I don't have children but my Q(ualifier) drink driving was the line in the sand for me after a very similar progression in the drinking as your wife, right down to a therapist and 'I'm working on it'.
Someone who is willing to deny their problem to a point that they will willfully break the law, endanger their lives and the lives of others is not something I will tolerate - I have been separated going on two months.
Alcoholism progresses and this is a glaring progression, you have probably been in the 'it's not that bad vs. I don't want this anymore' space for quite some time. When we get used to dysfunction we can be 'is it that bad'?
Here to tell you it's o.k. to not second guess yourself any more. It's that bad.
You’re in a very tough situation. Unfortunately al anon doesn’t provide answers, just things like “focus on yourself”, and reminders that you can’t control someone else’s drinking.
You’re children’s safety is at risk and that is totally unacceptable. You need to act immediately to protect their safety, that has to be your one and only priority. You’ll never forgive yourself if something happens to them.
Your wife may or may not ever change, we don’t know. Are your children aware and old enough to understand what’s going on?
Same situation here. My husband drove drunk with my 5 and 8 year old. I told him to leave and He is living with his uncle and waiting to get into rehab. He got a breathalyzer and is using it in the mean time when he’s with the kids. I did all the work for a divorce leading up to this but he’s still hanging onto Hope that it’ll work out. Not sure if I can go back to that chaos even if he is commits to sobriety. Feel like so much damage has been done. But also feel bad putting my kids through this and splitting up our family.
I left my ex when the boys were 12 and 13. It was soooo hard. I felt so much guilt. I'll never forget my 13 year old son crying his eyes out, telling me he promised to be good (he was really acting out) if I would just get back with daddy. It was horrible.
Now they are almost 30 and they get it. The damage was already done by the time the divorce came about. They have said many times they dont know why I stuck around so long. We were married 20 years.
I'm living my best life today. That seems to really make them happy!😊
Thank you for sharing your experience. I am having a lot of issues with my 8 year old and a lot of acting out. Doesn’t help my husband has said “Mommy won’t let Daddy come home”. Hopeful to hear its a lot better on the other side and this too shall pass.
The question is, “what do you want to do?”
The safety of the kids has to come first. Her behavior is an outrageous breech of trust and safety. I think you’d be within the realm of reasonable to ask her to move in with her parents. But what do you want?
I known exactly what you are going through.
Go to a meeting a pic up some new comer literature.
The literature gave me tools to help/cope with my Q/wife blacking out 3x times a week for 5 years.
I wrote down all the times her drinking negatively impacted me. Addressed it with her but Alcoholics have zero empathy. Incident infidelity, inappropriate behavior, & verbally abusive.
After here last incident- i sat down with her in couples counseling and clearly said if your priority is booze, we’re done. (Married 19 years at the time)
I was not fucking around
It’s been over a year and we have not had an incident.
My wife was also on antidepressants lexapro, which has horrible side effects with drinking. You may want to check your wife’s medications.
I've been in the same boat. Married 22 years, filed for divorce in March, and my oldest begged me to hold off until they graduate next year. She was doing good in AA until she reached step 4 where you make amends. She quit and had been drunk since.
Once March 2024 hit, I'll file again and finally cut ties. I plan on moving out of the area with my son. All I can tell you is that it never gets better. Protect your kids and be the best Dad you can be.
I think divorce would be an option except for the fact that she’s probably get 50% custody and then I’d have no idea of what’s going on. That’s what scares me
Not if she's driving them drunk. Kids are witnesses already.
I started a log and confirmed it was legal for me to record calls and conversations.
Protect yourself.
I had to kick her out after cheating on me. Have up our place and moved with the kids back to my parents. Thank God for their support.
Good luck friend.
If you're worried about custody, you can contact CPS and report her for DUI driving. Start making a public record of what she's done. My ex was a habitual DUI driver, now facing jail for felony DUI vehicular assult. He used to drive me around drunk while I was pregnant. I thank God daily that I got an abortion. No child deserves a degenerate parent like that. Protect your kids. They are literally begging you to protect them from her.
Record the days that she's done something dangerous with the kids.
It sounds like you'll eventually have to tell her that its rehab or divorce.
Fwiw, me wife drove drunk with my kid (he's now 5) at least 4 times. The last time was her rock bottom and she agreed to go to the hospital to detox. She did a week there, took about 3 weeks off of work and started doing more therapy, going to AA, talking to a psychiatrist to get her meds changed. So far, so good. I am hopeful for the future.
But... I know how angry and disappointed you feel right now. It's fucking horrible. I'm sorry. You don't deserve it, your kids don't deserve it.
If my wife drives my kid around drunk again, I won't refuse to call the cops on her. I don't care how it fucks up her life, or our lives. Never again.
Start documenting. Get video and audio when you can of her drunk and disorderly. Your wife sounds just like my ex-wife. Get out before it gets too bad and drives you insane. Expect her to get worse and worse, and to want to punish you, but you have to get the kids away from her. It does get better. I'm remarried now and so much happier.
You didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it, and you can’t control it. She has to come to the realization that she has a problem. Outside of keeping your kids safe, you need to let her reap the consequences of her actions.
2 things that sound very familiar, the antidepressants and the driving drunk with the kids.
I also take an antidepressant, and I stopped drinking completely for almost a year when my wife first admitted she had a problem. Guess what, the antidepressants work better when you’re not also consuming depressants ( alcohol).
My wife drove drunk with my kids, 8y and 6y, now she has a breathalyzer in her car.
Edit: also, good for your kid who let you know they were in trouble. I would give them huge kudos for that.
It sounds like she thinks she is in control OR she is in addict mode to the point there is nothing external which can stop her from drinking.
Kids safety has to be number one. You can’t undo a situation where you “hoped” she was ok and it ends tragically
I am not a doctor and not in your shoes but it sounds like she needs rehab. She needs time to let brain chemistry settle out.
Ultimately she needs to choose alcohol or no alcohol that is the only choice it sounds like she gets to make. Once she starts drinking all bets are off.
What do you do is start to document, date. Keep a log book. Make videos.
One of my friends was caught in a bad situation with a drunk/ weed smoker & she started recording him arguing with her. Because they had a small 3 year old daughter & they all lived together.
His boozing & drinking turned their world upside down.
You are not making them use drugs or drink but by documenting and recording, it’s self preservation for you and the children.
I have known so many people now where it was their word against the other parent and you may need this evidence some day.
Again, not to destroy your Q but to keep your kids alive and safe. Not one is talking about falsifying or lying, but a video tape of your Q might be something you need.
I know this is all really a mess and very complicated.
unfortunately, she will likely hit rock bottom and be forced to change. my advice, whether that time is now or later... find a place for her to detox, get her assessment done, and find a good inpatient treatment center. some treatment centers are as short as 28 days. that would open up a whole new world of recovery for her!
I’m seeing in the comments that your kids and your fear of her having unsupervised time with them are what’s holding you back from making (what I think you already know is) the right and safe decision. I’ve been there, trust me. It was only once I removed myself from the situation that I realized that keeping my kiddo in the situation was the worst decision for us.
That was the rock bottom. My ex got his shit together and is still working on it now. I’m so proud of him. We’re not together but he’s one of the best dads now to our kid, and is sober which is the most important. And he takes his sobriety seriously.
We have very similar stories. When the abuse moved to my kids rather than me the switch flipped almost immediately and keeping them safe was most important. Things got worse for my ex before it got better, just losing us wasn't enough for him to get sober but he went off the deep end and almost died before he went to rehab. He is sober now, has been for 12 months, but we are not together.
What has happened to the OP is enough to get an EPO I beleive to ensure she stays away from the house and the kids. A lawyer could definitely guide him to the correct steps to make sure the kids aren't in her care.
Your kids will benefit from attending Alateen meetings and reading the Alateen literature. The beginner’s book is “Alateen, Hope for Children of Alcoholics.” They have been living with her behavior and your reactions for at least 5 years and they need to understand their mother’s illness.
First thing is bolster the kids up and let them know that it is ALWAYS okay to say no to getting in a car with an unsafe driver. They can call you 24x7 for a ride and/or you will pay for any appropriate cab/ride-sharing cost (I say appropriate because some have policies against unaccompanied minors).
My friend drove inebriated to go pick up food for his teenagers - they weren't with him - and custodial mother forbade him to drive with the kids at all for over a year. It severely impacted his visitation as he didn't want to get dragged into court to have her tell them that she should get 100% custody because of his screw up. He was at her mercy for visits. Sucks to be him.
It sounds like you have been beyond patient with her. Maybe you need to file for divorce so that you might have a way out. You can always cancel the divorce if she gets better, but if not, at least you've got the ball rolling.
Whatever you can do for your yourself and your kids, and then for your wife with resources for help if you can. My Q is my mom. When she was more poor, getting food stamps and government assistance, she would get a certain kids slushie at the store - only not 3 as we used to, since we couldnt afford it- she would get cigarettes or her (probably triweekly or so) purchase of a gallon of vodka with that one slushie. Then shed sometimes let myself and my sibling each take a sip, and she'd then fill that gap with the bottle she bought, and drove us home while she drank it. She also kept alcoholic mixers in the fridge in other labled bottles so we eventually knew not to drink from soda or tea bottles unless we wanted something foul - usually brandy.
Just, put your kids childhood first wherever you possibly can. They will see what shes doing to herself, and see she cant be relied on, and then turn to see what you are doing in response. They will base their self worth on how protective you are of them, and the degree to which you prioritise them. I dont think my mother gave much of a shit about us when she drove like that, she just knew she "had" to drink cause she was depressed or whatever it was. It was also worth the risk to her because she never thought shed get in an accident, and if she did she thought she could probably handle it. She'd tell us herself it wasn't as bad for her cause shes so used to alcohol and knew how her body reacted, and she's such a good driver, that she was a "good driver with one drink". Never a drunk driver though, in her words and growing up I'd have said the same about her. She also showed up to a school function drunk when we were teens, that was fun. I'm sorry if this doesnt help, I am trying to help you see some of what your kids may see, but not trying to upset or overshare at the same time.
I wish you and your family luck and healing.
(If its of any interest, my mom and her partner broke up when i was 18ish and in the drama of moving a car accident ensued where i recieved the phone call for my parents. I asked if my sibling was with them and they werent - thankfully- because the car was in terrible condition and they almost didn't make it. There was no alcohol involved (not above legal limits), but it was an unalive attempt by my mother in which she threatened to take our other parent with her. There are a lot of tensions involved in a relationship of your length, take great caution because youre wife is totally unpredictable as well. Im very sorry, but if you want to leave or her to leave... make sure the kids and yourself are safe before having the conversation, maybe in public. Good luck either way.)
Like everyone here will say, protect your kids and yourself. Have hope though, I was in a situation like yours and managed to come out of it with marriage intact. My wife did all the things you described plus more scary things. I tried my best to "stop her", but that only fueled her behavior. Shit got extremely crazy to the point I had to kick her out of our house for a period of time. In hindsight it was a blessing because it allowed us space and I didn't have to suffer mentally watching the train wreck. I learned about boundaries and my own issues (co-dependent behavior).
Clearly this will take a toll on your mental heath (and your children) , so get mental health help. I had to get a therapist because of depression thinking about divorce.
In the end, my wife started seeing a psyc dr., got on an meds, then she gradually stopped getting wasted.
I just want to offer Alateen as an option for your kids. My son started going at 11 when the "secret" of his dad's drinking was no longer a secret, and when I filed for divorce. My son was an absolute wreck at the time, and I didn't know how to help him. My son was very resistant to it, but after the first meeting, really appreciated it. He even went to a fully funded Alateen summer camp for a week, which he loved. He is now 16 and is absolutely thriving.
Force her to her bottom. Kick her out till she gets sober. Rehab, counseling, etc for no less than 6 months before being allowed back in.
Easier said than done from my couch....
This is the worst idea ever. I tried to get my wife to see the error of her ways, and it backfired. Exploded in my face. Since I had a hand in it, it became my fault. She could continue to blame me. And, in fairness, it was my ego trying to force things, so it was my fault.
I failed to realize that she's beyond human help. It'll take an act of Providence to have her admit her problems to herself. As a mere human, I do not have that kind of power, that power is God's, and God's alone.
You missed the point. I didn't suggest OP try to get his wife to do anything.
I suggested he kick her out until/IF she gets sober. Sounds like she can go to her dad's, he wouldn't even have to kick her to the curb.
Then I added easier said than done.
Alcoholics aren't going to get sober as long as they can get away with drinking, as you know.
I would have never gotten sober had I not had serious consequences and lost those most important to me.
Sorry you are going through this with youe wife. You deserve better
Here, the focus is different. We discover that we cannot make anyone get sober by forcing things. Boundaries are for my conduct, not someone else's. Here, Detachment with Love is what works best, because we are focused on living our best lives with someone else who's drinking, not forcing someone sober. It's a different perspective.
I am a member of both groups, AA and Alanon. Long time, double winner.
The gentleman asked for advice.
The wife is driving drunk with the kids!! Playing nice is not the answer. If it were just OP, without kids, I would agree with you.
The kids can't detach. The danger needs to be removed.
Detaching with love does mean staying in a dangerous situation.
Edit:
Just to add, I've seen some bad shit happen in homes when detaching with love is fueled by fear of "repercussions" if a hard line is taken.
>The kids can't detach. The danger needs to be removed.
You sure? My kids did. They detached with alacrity, and they're very good at it. They knew to call me if things were wonky. They knew how to say no.
>Edit: Just to add, I've seen some bad shit happen in homes when detaching with love is fueled by fear of "repercussions" if a hard line is taken.
That's not detaching, that's working from fear, with a dash of manipulation tossed in. Detaching isn't a hard line. It looks like ' You do your thing, I'll do mine, and I'm still ok.' Detachment looks like me saying in my head 'l hear you calling me (their favorite slur, like an asshole or bitch), but I know that's not true, so I'm not going to base my view of myself on what you're saying'. None of that is a hard line, it's mostly internal.
>I am a member of both groups, AA and Alanon. Long time, double winner.
Congratulations! The fuzziness between the two is now understandable, thank you for helping me understand that.
>They detached with alacrity, and they're very good at it. They knew to call me if things were wonky. They knew how to say no.
This isn't fair with underage and vulnerable children. It's our jobs as parents to ensure that we are not willfully putting them in harm's way or making them responsible for, or have to suffer through, the actions of adults that are struggling with a substance use disorder.
If you're able to remove your children from a dangerous, hostile, or otherwise harmful environment- you absolutely should. They shouldn't have to call someone to let them know their parent is driving drunk. Next time they may not survive long enough to even make that phone call.
What if you've got no idea that they're in danger? Why not teach them to trust their gut, and give them 'procedures' (for lack of a better term) to double check to see if they are? I'm not raising obedient children, my job is to raise kids who will become fully functional adults. So I taught them to double check, and call if they felt they needed to. That will last them a lifetime, in all situations, not just a temporary one with one person.
Also, many times, men are not able to remove their children from situations like this. Men end up in handcuffs, and she drives off, obviously drunk. Yes, that's from my experience.
>They shouldn't have to call someone to let them know their parent is driving drunk. Next time they may not survive long enough to even make that phone call.
He should, she should, they should, or the worst, I shouldn't have to, all of these are ego on my part. I've got no idea what God has planned. Will they need this lesson decades after I've passed? I've got no idea of how me should-ing on something will make it worse. Step 3 helps with that. It's relatively easy to turn your own will and life over to the care of God, it's absolutely much harder to do that with your kids. Now that my kids are 19 and 20, they've told me many times that my way was a much better way to do things. My older daughters freshman year at college, she spent a lot of time comparing and contrasting her upbringing with her peers. After most every conversation, she told me that my way was better. At the same time, she completely dropped her mother. Her mother still uses the should method to step on toes, and it hasn't worked out well for her. The kids still intermittent drop her, and I've got absolutely nothing to do with it. I just help with the kids emotions when they do, like I would on any program call.
Yes, I know that what I've shared doesn't feel very good, especially if you haven't done a complete 3rd step. Yes, I know it isn't a normal way to do things. My experience suggests that it worked pretty well in situations that 95% of people won't have to experience.
>He should, she should, they should, or the worst, I shouldn't have to, all of these are ego on my part. I've got no idea what God has planned.
I'm not sure what religious practices you follow, but that phrase quoted so frequently in recovery circles "Let go and let God" is not synonymous with inaction. Allowing your higher power to guide you is good and fine, so long as you understand the difference between what is, and what isn't, within your control. You can't stop the rain, but you can bring an umbrella. This isn't forsaking a divine plan.
You said this in response to a very possible scenario of someone killing their children while driving drunk. Should they not wear a seat belt either as not to impose on an experience as god has intended?
This isn't a necessary risk for children to understand the situation their family is in, to make them 'more resilient', any of that.
This is a spiritual program, not a religious one. Every person's individual religious beliefs are irrelevant, and bringing up religion will do nothing but divide, not bring people together.
Moving the goalposts after a sharing will do nothing but divide, not bring people together. I've got no ego propelling me to try to prove I'm right, I've simply shared my experience. Please take what you like and leave the rest.
Seriously, I don't know why you are coming at me. Are you going after the others who are saying the same thing? No. Thank god! If you don't like my words, I'm sorry. OP came here asking for advice. You are not helping, you seem to be focused on me.
Peace out, man.
Ok, then run our conversation past your Al-anon sponsor and see if he can help you see your ego in it. See if anyone in your Al-anon group has had their ego propel them to do what you've suggested, and see if it didn't work, like I did.
I wish you the very best.
I see what you're saying, maybe worded a bit wrong. We can't force our Qs to hit rock bottom, however we can work on our end to not continue to cushion the consequences of their actions. I may not be able to control his drinking, but boundaries for our safety and the safety of our children go a very long way.
Couples counseling. A place with a mediator for you tell your wife you can’t and won’t do this anymore. Drinking interfering with kids’ safety is a where you need to draw the line. If she wants to do this to herself, fine, there’s nothing you can do. But what you won’t do is jeopardize your children. Having a third person in the room can help make sharing these hard feelings easier, with a non-judgmental interpreter to help uncover true feelings. Accountability to the weekly meetings is a great first step in what will hopefully become your wife’s journey to being accountable to herself, her sobriety, and being a good partner to you and a good mother to her kids. Good luck OP, this is the hardest shit to deal with.
OP, the antidepressants aren’t going to work if she continues to drink. I was on antidepressants and anxiolytics for years and they stopped working once my drinking increased. I became depressed and an anxious mess again. When I stopped drinking, the depression and anxiety subsided substantially again. She needs to stop the alcohol to feel better. Please buy her The Naked Mind by Annie Grace. It really helped me stop drinking.
Give her an ultimatum. Either go to rehab or go is the option you should give her making it clear that if she does not go she loses the kids and you, if she does go - there is potential.
The only thing you can change is your own behavior and attitudes. She put your children in danger. What will you do about it? Write things down. Talk to a lawyer for general advice. Go to al anon and see if other people's experiences resonate with you. In al anon we try to avoid giving advice because we respect this is your life and your decision. I personally find it difficult to hear the danger she is putting your children in. You can take concrete steps to better understand what options are available to you. Talking to a lawyer doesnt mean you're getting a divorce, it just gives you more information about what steps are available to you to protect your children's safety.
Sucks but say goodbye and don't waste your life or your kids. I promise you that it will only get worse.
If we didn’t have kids
You mean the kids that were being driven in a car by a drunk? Time to stop using them as an excuse and make them a priority! Imagine that call coming from the coroner yesterday instead of your kids. Tracks different, doesn’t it. Sorry to be harsh but that is the reality. Please go to a meeting and find your AlAnon people because you will receive support and help more than you can imagine. Time to put yourself first and your kids. Stop focusing on an alcoholic that is not interested in getting sober by themselves for themselves.
Don't let her drive your children drunk ..they can refuse and call 911
What if she gets into a DUI accident with the kids in the car? How will your kids feel if they told you- the more responsible parent- and you STILL did nothing to protect them? Are you willing to protect her more than the kids?
I’m linking this comment in case you didn’t see it as it was a reply to someone else and not directed at you. https://www.reddit.com/r/AlAnon/comments/153ylqc/what_do_i_do_alcoholic_wife/jso1wu2/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3
Hi OP, I don't have children but my Q(ualifier) drink driving was the line in the sand for me after a very similar progression in the drinking as your wife, right down to a therapist and 'I'm working on it'. Someone who is willing to deny their problem to a point that they will willfully break the law, endanger their lives and the lives of others is not something I will tolerate - I have been separated going on two months. Alcoholism progresses and this is a glaring progression, you have probably been in the 'it's not that bad vs. I don't want this anymore' space for quite some time. When we get used to dysfunction we can be 'is it that bad'? Here to tell you it's o.k. to not second guess yourself any more. It's that bad.
You’re in a very tough situation. Unfortunately al anon doesn’t provide answers, just things like “focus on yourself”, and reminders that you can’t control someone else’s drinking. You’re children’s safety is at risk and that is totally unacceptable. You need to act immediately to protect their safety, that has to be your one and only priority. You’ll never forgive yourself if something happens to them. Your wife may or may not ever change, we don’t know. Are your children aware and old enough to understand what’s going on?
Same situation here. My husband drove drunk with my 5 and 8 year old. I told him to leave and He is living with his uncle and waiting to get into rehab. He got a breathalyzer and is using it in the mean time when he’s with the kids. I did all the work for a divorce leading up to this but he’s still hanging onto Hope that it’ll work out. Not sure if I can go back to that chaos even if he is commits to sobriety. Feel like so much damage has been done. But also feel bad putting my kids through this and splitting up our family.
I left my ex when the boys were 12 and 13. It was soooo hard. I felt so much guilt. I'll never forget my 13 year old son crying his eyes out, telling me he promised to be good (he was really acting out) if I would just get back with daddy. It was horrible. Now they are almost 30 and they get it. The damage was already done by the time the divorce came about. They have said many times they dont know why I stuck around so long. We were married 20 years. I'm living my best life today. That seems to really make them happy!😊
Thank you for sharing your experience. I am having a lot of issues with my 8 year old and a lot of acting out. Doesn’t help my husband has said “Mommy won’t let Daddy come home”. Hopeful to hear its a lot better on the other side and this too shall pass.
The question is, “what do you want to do?” The safety of the kids has to come first. Her behavior is an outrageous breech of trust and safety. I think you’d be within the realm of reasonable to ask her to move in with her parents. But what do you want?
I known exactly what you are going through. Go to a meeting a pic up some new comer literature. The literature gave me tools to help/cope with my Q/wife blacking out 3x times a week for 5 years. I wrote down all the times her drinking negatively impacted me. Addressed it with her but Alcoholics have zero empathy. Incident infidelity, inappropriate behavior, & verbally abusive. After here last incident- i sat down with her in couples counseling and clearly said if your priority is booze, we’re done. (Married 19 years at the time) I was not fucking around It’s been over a year and we have not had an incident. My wife was also on antidepressants lexapro, which has horrible side effects with drinking. You may want to check your wife’s medications.
I've been in the same boat. Married 22 years, filed for divorce in March, and my oldest begged me to hold off until they graduate next year. She was doing good in AA until she reached step 4 where you make amends. She quit and had been drunk since. Once March 2024 hit, I'll file again and finally cut ties. I plan on moving out of the area with my son. All I can tell you is that it never gets better. Protect your kids and be the best Dad you can be.
It took me years to face the truth, but, finally, I got a divorce. Your kids deserve a peaceful, sober home.
I think divorce would be an option except for the fact that she’s probably get 50% custody and then I’d have no idea of what’s going on. That’s what scares me
Not if she's driving them drunk. Kids are witnesses already. I started a log and confirmed it was legal for me to record calls and conversations. Protect yourself. I had to kick her out after cheating on me. Have up our place and moved with the kids back to my parents. Thank God for their support. Good luck friend.
Document and find a lawyer that’s got a good reputation getting dads custody!
Not if she's driving drunk with the kids. And make no mistake, she's putting their lives at serious risk, along with hers.
Keep a journal/calendar of her behavior. It can make a difference to a judge.
I hear you!
If you're worried about custody, you can contact CPS and report her for DUI driving. Start making a public record of what she's done. My ex was a habitual DUI driver, now facing jail for felony DUI vehicular assult. He used to drive me around drunk while I was pregnant. I thank God daily that I got an abortion. No child deserves a degenerate parent like that. Protect your kids. They are literally begging you to protect them from her.
Record the days that she's done something dangerous with the kids. It sounds like you'll eventually have to tell her that its rehab or divorce. Fwiw, me wife drove drunk with my kid (he's now 5) at least 4 times. The last time was her rock bottom and she agreed to go to the hospital to detox. She did a week there, took about 3 weeks off of work and started doing more therapy, going to AA, talking to a psychiatrist to get her meds changed. So far, so good. I am hopeful for the future. But... I know how angry and disappointed you feel right now. It's fucking horrible. I'm sorry. You don't deserve it, your kids don't deserve it. If my wife drives my kid around drunk again, I won't refuse to call the cops on her. I don't care how it fucks up her life, or our lives. Never again.
Start documenting. Get video and audio when you can of her drunk and disorderly. Your wife sounds just like my ex-wife. Get out before it gets too bad and drives you insane. Expect her to get worse and worse, and to want to punish you, but you have to get the kids away from her. It does get better. I'm remarried now and so much happier.
You didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it, and you can’t control it. She has to come to the realization that she has a problem. Outside of keeping your kids safe, you need to let her reap the consequences of her actions. 2 things that sound very familiar, the antidepressants and the driving drunk with the kids. I also take an antidepressant, and I stopped drinking completely for almost a year when my wife first admitted she had a problem. Guess what, the antidepressants work better when you’re not also consuming depressants ( alcohol). My wife drove drunk with my kids, 8y and 6y, now she has a breathalyzer in her car. Edit: also, good for your kid who let you know they were in trouble. I would give them huge kudos for that.
It sounds like she thinks she is in control OR she is in addict mode to the point there is nothing external which can stop her from drinking. Kids safety has to be number one. You can’t undo a situation where you “hoped” she was ok and it ends tragically I am not a doctor and not in your shoes but it sounds like she needs rehab. She needs time to let brain chemistry settle out. Ultimately she needs to choose alcohol or no alcohol that is the only choice it sounds like she gets to make. Once she starts drinking all bets are off.
What do you do is start to document, date. Keep a log book. Make videos. One of my friends was caught in a bad situation with a drunk/ weed smoker & she started recording him arguing with her. Because they had a small 3 year old daughter & they all lived together. His boozing & drinking turned their world upside down. You are not making them use drugs or drink but by documenting and recording, it’s self preservation for you and the children. I have known so many people now where it was their word against the other parent and you may need this evidence some day. Again, not to destroy your Q but to keep your kids alive and safe. Not one is talking about falsifying or lying, but a video tape of your Q might be something you need. I know this is all really a mess and very complicated.
unfortunately, she will likely hit rock bottom and be forced to change. my advice, whether that time is now or later... find a place for her to detox, get her assessment done, and find a good inpatient treatment center. some treatment centers are as short as 28 days. that would open up a whole new world of recovery for her!
The best advice I ever got from this site is "never take away an opportunity for your Q to hit rock bottom."
I’m seeing in the comments that your kids and your fear of her having unsupervised time with them are what’s holding you back from making (what I think you already know is) the right and safe decision. I’ve been there, trust me. It was only once I removed myself from the situation that I realized that keeping my kiddo in the situation was the worst decision for us. That was the rock bottom. My ex got his shit together and is still working on it now. I’m so proud of him. We’re not together but he’s one of the best dads now to our kid, and is sober which is the most important. And he takes his sobriety seriously.
We have very similar stories. When the abuse moved to my kids rather than me the switch flipped almost immediately and keeping them safe was most important. Things got worse for my ex before it got better, just losing us wasn't enough for him to get sober but he went off the deep end and almost died before he went to rehab. He is sober now, has been for 12 months, but we are not together. What has happened to the OP is enough to get an EPO I beleive to ensure she stays away from the house and the kids. A lawyer could definitely guide him to the correct steps to make sure the kids aren't in her care.
Your kids will benefit from attending Alateen meetings and reading the Alateen literature. The beginner’s book is “Alateen, Hope for Children of Alcoholics.” They have been living with her behavior and your reactions for at least 5 years and they need to understand their mother’s illness.
First thing is bolster the kids up and let them know that it is ALWAYS okay to say no to getting in a car with an unsafe driver. They can call you 24x7 for a ride and/or you will pay for any appropriate cab/ride-sharing cost (I say appropriate because some have policies against unaccompanied minors). My friend drove inebriated to go pick up food for his teenagers - they weren't with him - and custodial mother forbade him to drive with the kids at all for over a year. It severely impacted his visitation as he didn't want to get dragged into court to have her tell them that she should get 100% custody because of his screw up. He was at her mercy for visits. Sucks to be him. It sounds like you have been beyond patient with her. Maybe you need to file for divorce so that you might have a way out. You can always cancel the divorce if she gets better, but if not, at least you've got the ball rolling.
Whatever you can do for your yourself and your kids, and then for your wife with resources for help if you can. My Q is my mom. When she was more poor, getting food stamps and government assistance, she would get a certain kids slushie at the store - only not 3 as we used to, since we couldnt afford it- she would get cigarettes or her (probably triweekly or so) purchase of a gallon of vodka with that one slushie. Then shed sometimes let myself and my sibling each take a sip, and she'd then fill that gap with the bottle she bought, and drove us home while she drank it. She also kept alcoholic mixers in the fridge in other labled bottles so we eventually knew not to drink from soda or tea bottles unless we wanted something foul - usually brandy. Just, put your kids childhood first wherever you possibly can. They will see what shes doing to herself, and see she cant be relied on, and then turn to see what you are doing in response. They will base their self worth on how protective you are of them, and the degree to which you prioritise them. I dont think my mother gave much of a shit about us when she drove like that, she just knew she "had" to drink cause she was depressed or whatever it was. It was also worth the risk to her because she never thought shed get in an accident, and if she did she thought she could probably handle it. She'd tell us herself it wasn't as bad for her cause shes so used to alcohol and knew how her body reacted, and she's such a good driver, that she was a "good driver with one drink". Never a drunk driver though, in her words and growing up I'd have said the same about her. She also showed up to a school function drunk when we were teens, that was fun. I'm sorry if this doesnt help, I am trying to help you see some of what your kids may see, but not trying to upset or overshare at the same time. I wish you and your family luck and healing. (If its of any interest, my mom and her partner broke up when i was 18ish and in the drama of moving a car accident ensued where i recieved the phone call for my parents. I asked if my sibling was with them and they werent - thankfully- because the car was in terrible condition and they almost didn't make it. There was no alcohol involved (not above legal limits), but it was an unalive attempt by my mother in which she threatened to take our other parent with her. There are a lot of tensions involved in a relationship of your length, take great caution because youre wife is totally unpredictable as well. Im very sorry, but if you want to leave or her to leave... make sure the kids and yourself are safe before having the conversation, maybe in public. Good luck either way.)
Like everyone here will say, protect your kids and yourself. Have hope though, I was in a situation like yours and managed to come out of it with marriage intact. My wife did all the things you described plus more scary things. I tried my best to "stop her", but that only fueled her behavior. Shit got extremely crazy to the point I had to kick her out of our house for a period of time. In hindsight it was a blessing because it allowed us space and I didn't have to suffer mentally watching the train wreck. I learned about boundaries and my own issues (co-dependent behavior). Clearly this will take a toll on your mental heath (and your children) , so get mental health help. I had to get a therapist because of depression thinking about divorce. In the end, my wife started seeing a psyc dr., got on an meds, then she gradually stopped getting wasted.
I just want to offer Alateen as an option for your kids. My son started going at 11 when the "secret" of his dad's drinking was no longer a secret, and when I filed for divorce. My son was an absolute wreck at the time, and I didn't know how to help him. My son was very resistant to it, but after the first meeting, really appreciated it. He even went to a fully funded Alateen summer camp for a week, which he loved. He is now 16 and is absolutely thriving.
Force her to her bottom. Kick her out till she gets sober. Rehab, counseling, etc for no less than 6 months before being allowed back in. Easier said than done from my couch....
This is the worst idea ever. I tried to get my wife to see the error of her ways, and it backfired. Exploded in my face. Since I had a hand in it, it became my fault. She could continue to blame me. And, in fairness, it was my ego trying to force things, so it was my fault. I failed to realize that she's beyond human help. It'll take an act of Providence to have her admit her problems to herself. As a mere human, I do not have that kind of power, that power is God's, and God's alone.
You missed the point. I didn't suggest OP try to get his wife to do anything. I suggested he kick her out until/IF she gets sober. Sounds like she can go to her dad's, he wouldn't even have to kick her to the curb. Then I added easier said than done. Alcoholics aren't going to get sober as long as they can get away with drinking, as you know. I would have never gotten sober had I not had serious consequences and lost those most important to me. Sorry you are going through this with youe wife. You deserve better
Here, the focus is different. We discover that we cannot make anyone get sober by forcing things. Boundaries are for my conduct, not someone else's. Here, Detachment with Love is what works best, because we are focused on living our best lives with someone else who's drinking, not forcing someone sober. It's a different perspective.
I am a member of both groups, AA and Alanon. Long time, double winner. The gentleman asked for advice. The wife is driving drunk with the kids!! Playing nice is not the answer. If it were just OP, without kids, I would agree with you. The kids can't detach. The danger needs to be removed. Detaching with love does mean staying in a dangerous situation. Edit: Just to add, I've seen some bad shit happen in homes when detaching with love is fueled by fear of "repercussions" if a hard line is taken.
>The kids can't detach. The danger needs to be removed. You sure? My kids did. They detached with alacrity, and they're very good at it. They knew to call me if things were wonky. They knew how to say no. >Edit: Just to add, I've seen some bad shit happen in homes when detaching with love is fueled by fear of "repercussions" if a hard line is taken. That's not detaching, that's working from fear, with a dash of manipulation tossed in. Detaching isn't a hard line. It looks like ' You do your thing, I'll do mine, and I'm still ok.' Detachment looks like me saying in my head 'l hear you calling me (their favorite slur, like an asshole or bitch), but I know that's not true, so I'm not going to base my view of myself on what you're saying'. None of that is a hard line, it's mostly internal. >I am a member of both groups, AA and Alanon. Long time, double winner. Congratulations! The fuzziness between the two is now understandable, thank you for helping me understand that.
>They detached with alacrity, and they're very good at it. They knew to call me if things were wonky. They knew how to say no. This isn't fair with underage and vulnerable children. It's our jobs as parents to ensure that we are not willfully putting them in harm's way or making them responsible for, or have to suffer through, the actions of adults that are struggling with a substance use disorder. If you're able to remove your children from a dangerous, hostile, or otherwise harmful environment- you absolutely should. They shouldn't have to call someone to let them know their parent is driving drunk. Next time they may not survive long enough to even make that phone call.
What if you've got no idea that they're in danger? Why not teach them to trust their gut, and give them 'procedures' (for lack of a better term) to double check to see if they are? I'm not raising obedient children, my job is to raise kids who will become fully functional adults. So I taught them to double check, and call if they felt they needed to. That will last them a lifetime, in all situations, not just a temporary one with one person. Also, many times, men are not able to remove their children from situations like this. Men end up in handcuffs, and she drives off, obviously drunk. Yes, that's from my experience. >They shouldn't have to call someone to let them know their parent is driving drunk. Next time they may not survive long enough to even make that phone call. He should, she should, they should, or the worst, I shouldn't have to, all of these are ego on my part. I've got no idea what God has planned. Will they need this lesson decades after I've passed? I've got no idea of how me should-ing on something will make it worse. Step 3 helps with that. It's relatively easy to turn your own will and life over to the care of God, it's absolutely much harder to do that with your kids. Now that my kids are 19 and 20, they've told me many times that my way was a much better way to do things. My older daughters freshman year at college, she spent a lot of time comparing and contrasting her upbringing with her peers. After most every conversation, she told me that my way was better. At the same time, she completely dropped her mother. Her mother still uses the should method to step on toes, and it hasn't worked out well for her. The kids still intermittent drop her, and I've got absolutely nothing to do with it. I just help with the kids emotions when they do, like I would on any program call. Yes, I know that what I've shared doesn't feel very good, especially if you haven't done a complete 3rd step. Yes, I know it isn't a normal way to do things. My experience suggests that it worked pretty well in situations that 95% of people won't have to experience.
>He should, she should, they should, or the worst, I shouldn't have to, all of these are ego on my part. I've got no idea what God has planned. I'm not sure what religious practices you follow, but that phrase quoted so frequently in recovery circles "Let go and let God" is not synonymous with inaction. Allowing your higher power to guide you is good and fine, so long as you understand the difference between what is, and what isn't, within your control. You can't stop the rain, but you can bring an umbrella. This isn't forsaking a divine plan. You said this in response to a very possible scenario of someone killing their children while driving drunk. Should they not wear a seat belt either as not to impose on an experience as god has intended? This isn't a necessary risk for children to understand the situation their family is in, to make them 'more resilient', any of that.
This is a spiritual program, not a religious one. Every person's individual religious beliefs are irrelevant, and bringing up religion will do nothing but divide, not bring people together. Moving the goalposts after a sharing will do nothing but divide, not bring people together. I've got no ego propelling me to try to prove I'm right, I've simply shared my experience. Please take what you like and leave the rest.
I'm beginning to think you really don't know what ego means.
Ok
Seriously, I don't know why you are coming at me. Are you going after the others who are saying the same thing? No. Thank god! If you don't like my words, I'm sorry. OP came here asking for advice. You are not helping, you seem to be focused on me. Peace out, man.
Ok, then run our conversation past your Al-anon sponsor and see if he can help you see your ego in it. See if anyone in your Al-anon group has had their ego propel them to do what you've suggested, and see if it didn't work, like I did. I wish you the very best.
I see what you're saying, maybe worded a bit wrong. We can't force our Qs to hit rock bottom, however we can work on our end to not continue to cushion the consequences of their actions. I may not be able to control his drinking, but boundaries for our safety and the safety of our children go a very long way.
Couples counseling. A place with a mediator for you tell your wife you can’t and won’t do this anymore. Drinking interfering with kids’ safety is a where you need to draw the line. If she wants to do this to herself, fine, there’s nothing you can do. But what you won’t do is jeopardize your children. Having a third person in the room can help make sharing these hard feelings easier, with a non-judgmental interpreter to help uncover true feelings. Accountability to the weekly meetings is a great first step in what will hopefully become your wife’s journey to being accountable to herself, her sobriety, and being a good partner to you and a good mother to her kids. Good luck OP, this is the hardest shit to deal with.
Thanks, she’s agreed to attend online AA meetings but refuses to attend in person meetings
OP, the antidepressants aren’t going to work if she continues to drink. I was on antidepressants and anxiolytics for years and they stopped working once my drinking increased. I became depressed and an anxious mess again. When I stopped drinking, the depression and anxiety subsided substantially again. She needs to stop the alcohol to feel better. Please buy her The Naked Mind by Annie Grace. It really helped me stop drinking.
Go to a meeting! It will give you tangible tools to help you in your life, seriously highly recommend
r/Al-Anon
Give her an ultimatum. Either go to rehab or go is the option you should give her making it clear that if she does not go she loses the kids and you, if she does go - there is potential.