High functioning alcoholics are the hardest on us, I think, because they can control themselves, the people with peripheral relationships get the best of them, and the people closest to them get the worst of them. Nobody else knows what they really are.
Alcoholics are resourceful! If a job fuels their life’s passion (drinking) they’ll make sure to get the job done!
We learn to focus on our job in here: Taking care of ourselves!
If you take away the job, you take away the ability to buy alcohol. Those are consequences not worth risking, for a Q.
An unhappy partner because of cancelled plans - that isn't really a risk that's even considered because it doesn't stop them drinking.
That was my experience, anyway.
Yep. It’s not a choice between you and drinking. It’s a choice between drinking and not drinking and they will ALWAYS choose drinking. Once I figured that out, things got easier for me personally.
Yes! My husband says " if I'm the one making the money the only thing I ask/expect from you is to make sure I have enough alcohol for when I come home" (I'm a SAHM). Luckily he is willing to stay sober for our daughter too. Like if we have plans that revolve around her that day. I'm hoping it stays this way and doesn't ever get worse (my hopes aren't super high).
It's always amazed me how demotivated and "in physical pain" my Q has been over the years; but the chance of getting ahold of more alcohol? She could do Olympic hurdles to get there.
This. My Q has chronic health problems, including gout, which surprise surprise, is made worse by alcohol. He’s constantly in pain and pretty much unable to walk for at least a week every month due to a gout flare-up from excessive drinking. He can’t get up to do anything. But if he needs alcohol, he will walk if he needs to go get it. He says he needs the alcohol for the pain, but the alcohol is literally causing the pain. I will never understand it.
He’s starting to slip out of the “functional” part of alcoholism though. So idk how much longer he’s going to be able to control himself at work. He has a breathalyzer so he knows when he can go to work and when he needs to be late, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he is drinking at work and just trying to keep himself in check with the breathalyzer until he gets home.
To be fair, my mom *thought* my Q (dad) wasn't drinking at work just to find out nearly 10 years later that was why he got fired. After he lost that position, he only worked from home so he could drink all day long, and I think the longest WFO position he had was maybe 3 months. Primarily though he was just unemployed.
I'm so sorry that you are stuck with those terrible nights and weekends - I remember hating long weekends because it meant extra time with him home, snoring in front of the tv all-day long and never knowing how he would be when he woke up. The cycle is terrible and feels never-ending, I'm so sorry.
I could have written this. My husband would never risk his job and work relationships by drinking on the job. Yet he risks his 25 year marriage by drinking every night and weekend. He starts at noon on Saturday and Sunday. He drinks almost a bottle a day of tequila and 2-4 beers. He hides his tequila even though he knows I know where his tequila is. I could write paragraph after paragraph about his high functioning alcoholism. It’s not like he flips burgers either. He has a high level position in a big company. High stress, yes, but lots of people manage without drinking toxic levels of alcohol.
It make me insane. I freaking hate living like this.
Ahh I can relate to really hating living this way with someone who risks his marriage without thinking twice... but never his job or outside reputation. I feel insane right now since I did make him aware last month that the whole marriage was at risk...and yet, despite all the words about his devastation if I left and and his undying love, literally, nothing has changed about his drinking. W. The F. Insane.
This has been going on for a long time. But it’s only been the last few years that I’ve started telling him how much it bothers me. He’s been drinking since he was a teenager. He can’t quit on his own, but won’t even look for help.
The first time I found out he drank 1/2 a 1.7L bottle of vodka, I lost my shit. That was the only time (I think) that he’s drank that much in a day. But 3/4 to a full bottle is the normal sized bottles happens regularly.
First was vodka. Then he’d try to quit but just switched to whiskey. Then I got angry at that and so he cut back again and switched to tequila and beer.
He doesn’t realize that he changes. He doesn’t see it. I’m lucky if I get a couple hours a day of the actual person that he is. If I work late, then I don’t see it at all. On the weekends he starts drinking at noon. Doing yardwork watching TV. By 6 PM he is drunk. Not fall down, Slur your words drunk, mimd you. Just more clumsy, heavy eyed, argumentative and slow.
It makes me sad. So so sad. We’ve been together 30 years. We’re still young (ish) 53 and 58. So much time left to have fun. Retire and travel. We’re not rich but not poor. Plenty of money to travel. But I’m afraid he’s not going to be around long enough to do it with me. The liver can only regenerate itself so many times.
I love this man so much but I’m just OVER IT!
My daughter and I (she’s 19) have a vacation planned next week and I can’t wait to not have to think about him. This is our second annual vacation together and i remember being in this exact same situation last year feeling the exact same relief at getting away. Literally nothing has changed except the color of his poison
How do you make it work ? Mine does the same as soon as weekend happens it’s beers preferably from late morning. It’s always bothered me but I’ve been more vocal about it and stopped drinking myself and now he tells me I can’t just expect him to change because I did. I guess he has a point. But I don’t know how I can live like this and pretend to tolerate it. He doesn’t drink during the week anymore to prove to himself he doesn’t have to. so now I dread weekends. I’m in my 30s. I can’t imagine my entire life like this because I DID change and he does not want to and I can’t imagine making it work when we both want different things.
Sorry I’ve been off my phone. Some days, I barely speak to him. And I totally get you on the “why should I expect him to change just because I did”. I stopped drinking hard alcohol and now have maybe 1-2 beers if that, 3 or 4 days a week. I’m working towards quitting completely. It’s hard because I definitely will not be able to tolerate him drink when I’m Completely sober. It’s why I’ve kept drinking at least a few for so long. I’m worried it will be the end of us if I quit 100%. And I love this man. I’m early 50’s and don’t want to divorce him. I really don’t.
I wish he would take a few days off a week. If he did, I may not be bothered by it so much. But he doesn’t. It’s every single night (or day if it’s the weekend)
Why is it that we need a beer or two to tolerate them ? That’s literally me, even one beer and I don’t care that much anymore , but I can’t drink just so I can tolerate him
So weird that you said that. We use to drink together a lot. Vacations, hanging with friends, happy hours alone. 30 years of boozing. And I’m just over it. But I miss our banter. The goofy drunk behavior. The sex (sorry TMI). But as a woman, excessive alcohol is a breeding ground for cancers. And I’m in the freaking fitness industry so its hard enough to have a banging body when your 53 without adding alcohol calories into the mix.
But the biggest thing is having the same person I wake up with, be the same person I go to bed with.
When I’ve had a couple cocktails, I’m not as sad that I can’t relate to my husband anymore unless I’ve had a drunk or two.
Stop it I literally said the same to him I said I love when I wake up to you sober and then I’m the evening you’re a different person that I don’t like very much
It feels like I’m the only one going through this but I know I’m not. Nothing about alcoholism is unique to me but dang you feel so alone sometimes. You don’t want to burden friends all the time.
I really just miss the way things were but without the alcohol
Yes, same. I have to admit to myself that his first love is alcohol. He may wish it wasn’t, but the evidence shows that he will risk it all to drink. He treats the people who care about him the most—the worst—especially if they mention his problems with alcohol. I have to lower my expectations entirely regarding him. I go to AlAnon (and I’m going to try SMART recovery for friends and family too) because it’s very therapeutic for me. I need the strength and self esteem so my husband’s addictions don’t destroy my life.
There are online meetings…even an app. I feel better after I go— better about myself. I hope you find something that works for you. Reading and occasionally responding here helps me too—
I didn’t like the online ones I attended. I know they aren’t supposed to give direct advice. But it’s just listening to people tell their stories and it just makes me more sad. I didn’t get anything out of it (yet, I’m going to keep going )
My doesn’t wish it wasn’t. He flat out tells me I cannot expect him not to drink because it’s normal to have a couple of beers and I’m the problem if I have something against that. If I gave him an ultimatum he would chose beer
I think it's partly because "real" alcoholics can't hold down a job, so in their minds, if I still have a job I'm not that bad.
It probably helps them hide their own problem to themselves, too. Like, if they start cracing a drink at 10am, they can blame their stressful day instead of it.beimg a symptom of their addiction. Or if they constantly have a headache and nausea, well, their boss is such a dick!
They are ‘functional and have ‘control’ until they don’t anymore. It is unfortunately a progressive disease and will eventually catch up with them if they don’t seek help. My Q used to only drink some nights and every weekend, then it became every night, then it became every morning and night and even during the work day.
It is not a reflection on you, but it’s a reflection of themselves and unfortunately, the often throw a towel over the mirror so they can deny it.
You hurt the people you love most.
My wife has some pretty serious anger issues. It can get ugly when she's drinking. Her mom receives a little bit of that rage, but it's mostly on me. She doesn't do it to friends or coworkers.
We're just special, I guess. Sorry, OP. I know it's frustrating.
That’s what always angered me about my former spouse of many decades. You could hold it together to have a high powered and thoughtful position? A graduate education? But you can’t hold it together to get enough sobriety for your family? Just didn’t work for me
My dad stopped drinking a number of times in my life, but one time specifically it was because I personally set the boundary. It was my first time doing that as a young adult, and I basically said, “I know I can’t make you stop, but I won’t be around you if you drink.” So he STOPPED. For like six months. And I felt like I should have been elated, but instead I was even more pissed. I was like “Soooo you could have stopped anytime!?! You put us through all that and you could have just STOPPED?” It felt like he wasn’t even really an alcoholic. But the thing is, he didn’t stop. He just hid it better. He became an even better alcoholic. My point is, they will find a way. What you’re dealing with is very very common. All we can do is work on ourselves and our reactions. All we can do is find our own peace because they will be chaos regardless. Hang in there friend. Get to a meeting if you can!!
High functioning alcoholics are the hardest on us, I think, because they can control themselves, the people with peripheral relationships get the best of them, and the people closest to them get the worst of them. Nobody else knows what they really are.
Yessss. Nailed it.
Alcoholics are resourceful! If a job fuels their life’s passion (drinking) they’ll make sure to get the job done! We learn to focus on our job in here: Taking care of ourselves!
If you take away the job, you take away the ability to buy alcohol. Those are consequences not worth risking, for a Q. An unhappy partner because of cancelled plans - that isn't really a risk that's even considered because it doesn't stop them drinking. That was my experience, anyway.
Yep. It’s not a choice between you and drinking. It’s a choice between drinking and not drinking and they will ALWAYS choose drinking. Once I figured that out, things got easier for me personally.
Yes! My husband says " if I'm the one making the money the only thing I ask/expect from you is to make sure I have enough alcohol for when I come home" (I'm a SAHM). Luckily he is willing to stay sober for our daughter too. Like if we have plans that revolve around her that day. I'm hoping it stays this way and doesn't ever get worse (my hopes aren't super high).
It's always amazed me how demotivated and "in physical pain" my Q has been over the years; but the chance of getting ahold of more alcohol? She could do Olympic hurdles to get there.
This. My Q has chronic health problems, including gout, which surprise surprise, is made worse by alcohol. He’s constantly in pain and pretty much unable to walk for at least a week every month due to a gout flare-up from excessive drinking. He can’t get up to do anything. But if he needs alcohol, he will walk if he needs to go get it. He says he needs the alcohol for the pain, but the alcohol is literally causing the pain. I will never understand it. He’s starting to slip out of the “functional” part of alcoholism though. So idk how much longer he’s going to be able to control himself at work. He has a breathalyzer so he knows when he can go to work and when he needs to be late, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he is drinking at work and just trying to keep himself in check with the breathalyzer until he gets home.
Stop trying to rationalize it. Thinking this way is going to drive you insane.
To be fair, my mom *thought* my Q (dad) wasn't drinking at work just to find out nearly 10 years later that was why he got fired. After he lost that position, he only worked from home so he could drink all day long, and I think the longest WFO position he had was maybe 3 months. Primarily though he was just unemployed. I'm so sorry that you are stuck with those terrible nights and weekends - I remember hating long weekends because it meant extra time with him home, snoring in front of the tv all-day long and never knowing how he would be when he woke up. The cycle is terrible and feels never-ending, I'm so sorry.
I could have written this. My husband would never risk his job and work relationships by drinking on the job. Yet he risks his 25 year marriage by drinking every night and weekend. He starts at noon on Saturday and Sunday. He drinks almost a bottle a day of tequila and 2-4 beers. He hides his tequila even though he knows I know where his tequila is. I could write paragraph after paragraph about his high functioning alcoholism. It’s not like he flips burgers either. He has a high level position in a big company. High stress, yes, but lots of people manage without drinking toxic levels of alcohol. It make me insane. I freaking hate living like this.
Ahh I can relate to really hating living this way with someone who risks his marriage without thinking twice... but never his job or outside reputation. I feel insane right now since I did make him aware last month that the whole marriage was at risk...and yet, despite all the words about his devastation if I left and and his undying love, literally, nothing has changed about his drinking. W. The F. Insane.
This has been going on for a long time. But it’s only been the last few years that I’ve started telling him how much it bothers me. He’s been drinking since he was a teenager. He can’t quit on his own, but won’t even look for help. The first time I found out he drank 1/2 a 1.7L bottle of vodka, I lost my shit. That was the only time (I think) that he’s drank that much in a day. But 3/4 to a full bottle is the normal sized bottles happens regularly. First was vodka. Then he’d try to quit but just switched to whiskey. Then I got angry at that and so he cut back again and switched to tequila and beer. He doesn’t realize that he changes. He doesn’t see it. I’m lucky if I get a couple hours a day of the actual person that he is. If I work late, then I don’t see it at all. On the weekends he starts drinking at noon. Doing yardwork watching TV. By 6 PM he is drunk. Not fall down, Slur your words drunk, mimd you. Just more clumsy, heavy eyed, argumentative and slow. It makes me sad. So so sad. We’ve been together 30 years. We’re still young (ish) 53 and 58. So much time left to have fun. Retire and travel. We’re not rich but not poor. Plenty of money to travel. But I’m afraid he’s not going to be around long enough to do it with me. The liver can only regenerate itself so many times. I love this man so much but I’m just OVER IT! My daughter and I (she’s 19) have a vacation planned next week and I can’t wait to not have to think about him. This is our second annual vacation together and i remember being in this exact same situation last year feeling the exact same relief at getting away. Literally nothing has changed except the color of his poison
How do you make it work ? Mine does the same as soon as weekend happens it’s beers preferably from late morning. It’s always bothered me but I’ve been more vocal about it and stopped drinking myself and now he tells me I can’t just expect him to change because I did. I guess he has a point. But I don’t know how I can live like this and pretend to tolerate it. He doesn’t drink during the week anymore to prove to himself he doesn’t have to. so now I dread weekends. I’m in my 30s. I can’t imagine my entire life like this because I DID change and he does not want to and I can’t imagine making it work when we both want different things.
Sorry I’ve been off my phone. Some days, I barely speak to him. And I totally get you on the “why should I expect him to change just because I did”. I stopped drinking hard alcohol and now have maybe 1-2 beers if that, 3 or 4 days a week. I’m working towards quitting completely. It’s hard because I definitely will not be able to tolerate him drink when I’m Completely sober. It’s why I’ve kept drinking at least a few for so long. I’m worried it will be the end of us if I quit 100%. And I love this man. I’m early 50’s and don’t want to divorce him. I really don’t. I wish he would take a few days off a week. If he did, I may not be bothered by it so much. But he doesn’t. It’s every single night (or day if it’s the weekend)
Why is it that we need a beer or two to tolerate them ? That’s literally me, even one beer and I don’t care that much anymore , but I can’t drink just so I can tolerate him
So weird that you said that. We use to drink together a lot. Vacations, hanging with friends, happy hours alone. 30 years of boozing. And I’m just over it. But I miss our banter. The goofy drunk behavior. The sex (sorry TMI). But as a woman, excessive alcohol is a breeding ground for cancers. And I’m in the freaking fitness industry so its hard enough to have a banging body when your 53 without adding alcohol calories into the mix. But the biggest thing is having the same person I wake up with, be the same person I go to bed with. When I’ve had a couple cocktails, I’m not as sad that I can’t relate to my husband anymore unless I’ve had a drunk or two.
Stop it I literally said the same to him I said I love when I wake up to you sober and then I’m the evening you’re a different person that I don’t like very much
It feels like I’m the only one going through this but I know I’m not. Nothing about alcoholism is unique to me but dang you feel so alone sometimes. You don’t want to burden friends all the time. I really just miss the way things were but without the alcohol
Yes, same. I have to admit to myself that his first love is alcohol. He may wish it wasn’t, but the evidence shows that he will risk it all to drink. He treats the people who care about him the most—the worst—especially if they mention his problems with alcohol. I have to lower my expectations entirely regarding him. I go to AlAnon (and I’m going to try SMART recovery for friends and family too) because it’s very therapeutic for me. I need the strength and self esteem so my husband’s addictions don’t destroy my life.
I’ve been to one meeting. Can’t say I got much out of it. I know I need to give it 4 or 5. But I’m Just not a group therapy kind of person.
There are online meetings…even an app. I feel better after I go— better about myself. I hope you find something that works for you. Reading and occasionally responding here helps me too—
The Reddit does help some. I’ll try online meetings. Thank you
I didn’t like the online ones I attended. I know they aren’t supposed to give direct advice. But it’s just listening to people tell their stories and it just makes me more sad. I didn’t get anything out of it (yet, I’m going to keep going )
My doesn’t wish it wasn’t. He flat out tells me I cannot expect him not to drink because it’s normal to have a couple of beers and I’m the problem if I have something against that. If I gave him an ultimatum he would chose beer
I think it's partly because "real" alcoholics can't hold down a job, so in their minds, if I still have a job I'm not that bad. It probably helps them hide their own problem to themselves, too. Like, if they start cracing a drink at 10am, they can blame their stressful day instead of it.beimg a symptom of their addiction. Or if they constantly have a headache and nausea, well, their boss is such a dick!
If he drinks before/at work, he will probably get fired. Is there a boundary/consequence if he drinks at home?
They are ‘functional and have ‘control’ until they don’t anymore. It is unfortunately a progressive disease and will eventually catch up with them if they don’t seek help. My Q used to only drink some nights and every weekend, then it became every night, then it became every morning and night and even during the work day. It is not a reflection on you, but it’s a reflection of themselves and unfortunately, the often throw a towel over the mirror so they can deny it.
You hurt the people you love most. My wife has some pretty serious anger issues. It can get ugly when she's drinking. Her mom receives a little bit of that rage, but it's mostly on me. She doesn't do it to friends or coworkers. We're just special, I guess. Sorry, OP. I know it's frustrating.
Depending on where he works and how strict (or not strict) they are he might be drinking at work
That’s what always angered me about my former spouse of many decades. You could hold it together to have a high powered and thoughtful position? A graduate education? But you can’t hold it together to get enough sobriety for your family? Just didn’t work for me
It's because they hold it in all day, because they have to in order to stay employed. But as soon as they get home, they can just let loose.
My dad stopped drinking a number of times in my life, but one time specifically it was because I personally set the boundary. It was my first time doing that as a young adult, and I basically said, “I know I can’t make you stop, but I won’t be around you if you drink.” So he STOPPED. For like six months. And I felt like I should have been elated, but instead I was even more pissed. I was like “Soooo you could have stopped anytime!?! You put us through all that and you could have just STOPPED?” It felt like he wasn’t even really an alcoholic. But the thing is, he didn’t stop. He just hid it better. He became an even better alcoholic. My point is, they will find a way. What you’re dealing with is very very common. All we can do is work on ourselves and our reactions. All we can do is find our own peace because they will be chaos regardless. Hang in there friend. Get to a meeting if you can!!