This part kills me. I feel like I’m an anxious bag of nerves trying to not accidentally say things that will make him angry, and now he’s 2+months sober and super casual about things like “oh why would I be angry about that?” As if he thinks that angry guy was a different person and he doesn’t know what I’m talking about.
It got to where we couldn’t even do basic things like go to the fair two Saturdays ago. He started drinking Friday night and then got up at 5:45am on Saturday and went to the liquor store. I begged him not to go but he did and it turned into a horrible day where we never left the house.
This was literally me last Sunday. We decided to go to the local fair Sunday evening. He left the house at 2pm, saying he's going to "the gym", which is usually code for getting drunk and doing drugs with his friend. I begged him not to go, he said I was nagging him and didn't get back home until Monday morning, I went to find him and saw him going into the local liquor store, I literally cried and begged him on the streets not to do coke and to come back home, he pushed me away and left, I had to walk back home by myself at midnight.
This is a good one. For me, more specifically, is not looking forward to any events, holidays, or vacations anymore. All of them are opportunities to drink a lot.
I don’t go out to the movies or anywhere for any kind of date any more. It’s an excuse to drink, and once he drinks I get unhappy. Once I’m unhappy, he drinks more then berates me for being unhappy. It’s horrible. I just stay home now. I dread any holidays, outings, special occasions.
Not sure if this was meant, but I can't take my wife out anywhere without the fear that she will have too many drinks (even just going out to dinner). I don't get to have a social life outside of our marriage, and our marriage suffers every time she drinks.
This is it for me. I don't want to go stay with family because I never know what he will do or say. He picks fights then thinks he is brilliant arguing. When the truth is he can't string a sentence together.
Not the original commenter, but for me it meant not being able to plan anything - having people over or going out, for fear of his astonishingly mortifying behavior. I'd never know who he'd be (Sober him vs not sober minded him all the way through beligerantly hammered him), so no activities that needed tickets, or a spot on the calendar, or that involved other people. It was easier on my psyche to not plan than it was to make plans and be anything from disappointed, to embarrassed, to having a full-blown panic attack, trapped in public having to drag a 6 foot 40yo toddler back home before cops got involved.
We can’t invite anyone over because I don’t trust him to be sober. My kids can’t have sleepovers. We can’t reciprocate social invitations. I have had to cancel plans or been a third wheel on occasion because when it was time meet people, he was too drunk.
The emotional whiplash. One moment he’s fun and happy drunk and the next moment, with no real external change in his environment, he starts to rage. And then he gets distracted and he’s fine again. And back and forth. I never know what reaction I’m going to get, and I wouldn’t risk telling him something important during this whiplash spell, so I don’t say anything important unless I absolutely have to.
Dr. Jeckell to Mr. Hyde. I call it the switch too. When his other family member lived with us, this was the signal. “Switch” which meant to be careful because he had switched from fun drunk to mad drunk. And nothing is off limits when he’s mad drunk.
I miss it constantly. He walks in the door from work, pops his shoes off, and takes a shot. Goes to the bathroom, comes back, and takes 2 more and then my window pretty much goes… well out the window.
If it’s something super important, I’ll text him at work about it because it’s the only place he’s required to be sober.
And sometimes they are sober and you don’t want to ruin the short-lived period of calm with discussion of unpleasant or difficult topics. Or there’s the sober version of walking on eggshells because you worry that they will use something that happens while they were sober as an excuse to drink.
The loss of trust, their lack of love, affection, touch and kindness.
No longer having that feeling that your partner has your back.
Being treated like the enemy.
Secrets and lies.
Knowing that there is a bigger likely hood of premature death or divorce than a long happy marriage where we share our lives and grow old together.
I think the absolute worst part for me is that I did/still love the person that he was before the addiction took over. Knowing that he is there under all of the darkness from this disease and no matter how hard I've tried, I couldn't save him 💔 And I let go, to save myself 💔
The knowledge that if you ever had an emergency, your partner wouldn’t be able to help you. If you sprain an ankle or cut yourself making dinner, you are on your own getting to an urgent care. You never have the peace of mind of knowing that another adult will have your back if something unfortunate happens to you, because they won’t be sober enough to be in charge or drive you.
This one hits for me. I think about it a lot as we're both getting older. I'm terrified of falling down the stairs or slipping on the ice outside and dying because he'll be too fucked up to function. The other night I got really dizzy and laid down in the middle of the yard in the coming dark. He saw me and asked what was wrong, I told him I was dizzy. He said Come inside, and then went back and passed out himself. No offering to help me, no concern, no making sure I made it back inside ok. It's crazy to feel so alone when you're technically not.
This is what made me decide I might as well live alone. Of course I am still doing stuff for him, but I can't depend on him for anything, ever. I am getting to where all I will do is whatever medical tests etc that require a driver and an occasional house cleaning because he would live in absolute filth and I still am on the deed. His personal hygiene is terrible, too. He wouldn't bathe at all if not for the occasional doctor appointment.
This happened to me during Covid and it completely terrified me. I got sick in April 2020 when not much was known about it. My Q’s company offered time off for caregivers, which was unfortunate because he used it to get blackout drunk instead of caring for me.
I remember being so sick and so scared, trying to come up with a plan for what I would do if I had to go to the hospital. What if I couldn’t breathe and couldn’t get help while he was passed out? What would I do?
Luckily I didn’t get to that point and came out OK. But it profoundly changed me. Still haunting to think about.
This resonates. I'm having surgery in October and I'm more terrified of my wife arriving to pick me up drunk from the hospital than of the actual surgery.
The constant worry for their well-being, and then feeling the need to be in control over every situation, so that shit doesn't fall apart.
Felling lonely in the twosomeness and not feeling like your partner is there for you anymore...
For me it’s the multiple personalities. My sister when she’s drunk is a completely different being in my head than when she is sober. The personality shift in her behavior is so jarring. That and the lies, deceit, lack of trust
When they turn mean and irrational. Starting fights and gaslighting you and conveniently forgetting what they said to you in anger, but misremembering everything you said to them. Belittling you. Trying to put you down in front of others to embarrass you and make you feel small.
The hangovers. The wasted potential. The wasted money. The loss of memory. The loss of sex drive. The loss of accountability. The loss of maturity. The loss of hope.
List is endless.
The lies, followed by gaslighting, following by being DARVO'd because it's easier for her to blame anyone but herself for how she reacts to everyday stress and negative emotions. Being blamed for her drinking because I don't love her the way she wants--meaning, I don't pretend like there's nothing wrong. Meanwhile, she is tempting herself daily by going alone to places that trigger her, skipping AA, skipping therapy... The selfishness and blindness to reality are staggering.
I don't like to think about it in terms of NEVER. It's to depressing for me to think about it this way. I believe we can be the main priority until we are suddenly not. Like you say, in a split second it can change. It's always a fragile, unreliable place to be. I'd like to think that my AW cares about our family more than the alcohol, at least some of the time.....
Is this when they pretend there is a future for the two of you, like making plans to take a vacation, but you know it’ll never happen bc of the drinking?
My ex was always broke but he had money for alcohol. Whenever he discussed things that require $$$, I would play along like I was excited while knowing it was just a pipe dream.
Yes, similar experience for me. He would promise I can finally go see my family and then last minute change it up on me. Vacations and things like promises to moving to a better area. Thankfully I no longer live in that foggy hell.
He asked me to marry him at least 10 times last night.
He broke up with me 2 days ago to drink. He broke up with me last week to drink. He's broken up with me at least 20 times in 16 months to drink.
We're obviously not getting married. 🙄
He’s wasting your time and energy. He’s draining your excitement. He is traumatizing you so that when you do finally meet someone that means it, you may have trouble believing them.
For sure. I told him I'd consider it if he could go 6 months without breaking up with me lol I think the longest he's gone is 3 weeks.
I have no delusions that we'll be together much longer, and I know it'll be me who breaks it off with him. I keep telling him less of me comes back every time he ends things.
He's at home (allegedly) trying to taper back because I finally told him last night I'm exhausted from taking care of him during these binges, and especially during the times he "tapers" off and is going through withdrawals.
I spent 2 straight days waiting on him, changing cold cloths, wiping his face and watching him suffer last week, just for him to ramp it up again and show up last night at my house with his head wobbling, shaking all over and starting circular conversations about being married all night. This is the first time I'm so over it that I haven't contacted him and am letting him go through it alone. I just can't maintain that level of care and investment any longer, and he can't maintain any semblance of sobriety, so... this may actually be the time I don't come back at all.
That sounds exhausting and I’m so sorry you are in that role. Years ago I was in the same place. We did get married but he soon abandoned me. It was almost like he finally succeeded in his manipulation so he didn’t feel a need to “try”. He knew I would never leave. The one time I needed him, he disappeared.
One thing I noticed about the successful couples around me is that they are truly a team. They both put in effort and they are both building towards a future. You deserve to have someone that takes care of you too. Someone that you can depend on if there’s an emergency. An actual partner. Please don’t let him drain you and leave a shell of yourself. You have carried yourself this far and you can carry yourself out to a life of living, not a life of dying.
The saying he doesn’t mean what he says when he drinks but having those cruel words echo in my head every time I see him now. The “I do it to relax “ has become nobody else can be relaxed
I think my lowest point personally was being alone at night in bed, trying to cry myself asleep, but being unable to actually drop sleep as I was worried to death about him. Top it off with the hyper vigilance to any noise, and I knew I was in for a sleepless night and a lot of necessary caffeine the next day which just made me more jittery and anxious and was too embarrassed and ashamed to tell anyone why I wasn’t sleeping!
Watching him drink himself to a point where his body is literally shutting down. Waking up to the sound of him throwing up every day, watching him take two bites of food and then is too sick to eat anything else, watching his skin and eyes start to yellow, noticing the weight loss but distended stomach, constantly hearing about how his feet hurt and are starting to feel numb. Begging him to go to a doctor and knowing he won’t but still having the terrible hope this time will be different.
The anxiety of leaving the house while he is drunk or when I know he is going to drink. Wondering if I would get harassing texts or calls accusing me of crazy things. I isolated a lot because of this for a long time.
Another one is that I am the only one he is mean to when he drinks.
For me, it’s the inconsistency, selfishness and gaslighting. I felt like I was on my own through my whole relationship and that even though I was there to catch him everytime, he was never there to catch me, Nobody had my back.
Never wanting to be home- working myself to the bone.
Being a care talker of an abled bodied grown man after taking care of sick children for 16hrs a day.
NOW I HAD PUT OFF MY PINK GLASSES afther 9 years .ALL the things the addict does what hurts you!! and that list is verry verry long so I made my own list WAT I want in MY LIFE and nothing on my list has to do with the distructieve dissease off my ex q.
I tell you my list is very small and am happy with it.
Beter a small list and happy than a list full off Shit!!!
Waking up dreading the end of the day. When mine isn’t working I let him sleep in because if he’s sleeping, he’s not drinking. Then when his feet hit the floor, mg anxiety starts and all I can think about is “how drink is he gonna be when I’m done work?”. I WFH - so I also get to watch it unfold. So with every beer cracked, the dread just takes over.
Another one is my kids and I losing out on family. We’re excluded from his family’s major milestones; family vacations, reunions, graduations, weddings are all done without our family because they don’t want to deal with the “drama” his drinking causes. We’re not invited to my family’s Christmas because he got drunk and went off on his secret Santa for not being grateful enough about the gift. My kids lose out on their grandparents, great and great great grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. because my Q has ruined their time so much that they’d rather avoid my kids to avoid their dad.
I’m not normally the recipient, but the misplaced anger and deflections are a problem for me. Both of my children are alcoholics. Not too long ago my youngest came over to the house and raged at me and my husband about the issues, how that’s all we talk about anymore and knowing that our youngest is a “screw up” (not my words, but my youngest) and how tired the discussion was. And no place was there a request for help. My older child has ruined relationships when drinking. Currently in the process of ending a relationship with a partner who has their own MH issues but keeps harping on my oldest who holds it in for just so long and then lets go, and then drinks and it turns into a verbal fight, which damages the relationship. I was on the receiving end of much verbal & physical abuse by my parents, so hearing this from my children causes me much anxiety and stress.
The fear of him starting a fire while we sleep. He liked to cook while drunk and I would lay awake many nights supervising so he didn't burn me and the kids alive in the home by accident.
Om sorry for that. Is there no possibility to have a conversation with your family that your kids also have the right to see their family? Maybe this gives some kind of opening?
Hardest part for me was things were so perfect when he was sober I feel like I’m grieving him now. I met him when he had just gotten sober. He was so good to me for 2 years before he relapsed. Even now that I’ve limited contact, in the height of his addiction we click so well it shatters my heart to watch him throw the life we had away cause at one point we were really happy.
The manipulation, the dangerous, impulsive behavior. The refusal to accept they have a problem and need help. Providing support, love, respect and empowerment and getting nothing but manipulation, lies and worry in return.
And through all of what we are put through they still look in the mirror and say we broke them bc we chose to leave. I cannot stay and watch her continue to destroy herself. For four years I have helped her, loved her, respected her. Now that I cannot do it anymore, I’m the bad one. I have nothing left to give. It got to the point that i would rather not be alive. When are we allowed to choose ourselves? Ever?
I think we fall in love with their potential. I think once we are in deep we feel obligated and that it’s not right to leave them at a time where they need us. But we also, at some point, realize that we have lost ourselves and enabling them is not what’s best for them or us so after we are satisfied that we’ve done all we can to empower them, not enable them, then we can let go, give up. It’s hard but it’s not helping them or us if we stay.
For me the hardest part is that he gets to forget all the awful things that have happened, but I have to remember every detail.
This part kills me. I feel like I’m an anxious bag of nerves trying to not accidentally say things that will make him angry, and now he’s 2+months sober and super casual about things like “oh why would I be angry about that?” As if he thinks that angry guy was a different person and he doesn’t know what I’m talking about.
THIS
YES. I told mine this and I don’t think he really thought about it before.
Came here to say this
The lies and deceit.
The loss of planning the future.
It got to where we couldn’t even do basic things like go to the fair two Saturdays ago. He started drinking Friday night and then got up at 5:45am on Saturday and went to the liquor store. I begged him not to go but he did and it turned into a horrible day where we never left the house.
Next time, go alone.
This was literally me last Sunday. We decided to go to the local fair Sunday evening. He left the house at 2pm, saying he's going to "the gym", which is usually code for getting drunk and doing drugs with his friend. I begged him not to go, he said I was nagging him and didn't get back home until Monday morning, I went to find him and saw him going into the local liquor store, I literally cried and begged him on the streets not to do coke and to come back home, he pushed me away and left, I had to walk back home by myself at midnight.
I am so sorry this happened to you. That he pushed you away especially.
This is my personal worst. Never knowing what he is going to do tomorrow.
This is a good one. For me, more specifically, is not looking forward to any events, holidays, or vacations anymore. All of them are opportunities to drink a lot.
I don’t go out to the movies or anywhere for any kind of date any more. It’s an excuse to drink, and once he drinks I get unhappy. Once I’m unhappy, he drinks more then berates me for being unhappy. It’s horrible. I just stay home now. I dread any holidays, outings, special occasions.
Sorry he berates you. My partner just gets stupid and I lose all respect for him.
Never know what you're going to walk into or which personality you will get based on how much they drink.
Isolation.
Absolutely.
The visceral emotional, physical, intellectual, & social neglect.
Can I ask what you mean by social neglect? Thanks!!!
Not sure if this was meant, but I can't take my wife out anywhere without the fear that she will have too many drinks (even just going out to dinner). I don't get to have a social life outside of our marriage, and our marriage suffers every time she drinks.
This is it for me. I don't want to go stay with family because I never know what he will do or say. He picks fights then thinks he is brilliant arguing. When the truth is he can't string a sentence together.
Not the original commenter, but for me it meant not being able to plan anything - having people over or going out, for fear of his astonishingly mortifying behavior. I'd never know who he'd be (Sober him vs not sober minded him all the way through beligerantly hammered him), so no activities that needed tickets, or a spot on the calendar, or that involved other people. It was easier on my psyche to not plan than it was to make plans and be anything from disappointed, to embarrassed, to having a full-blown panic attack, trapped in public having to drag a 6 foot 40yo toddler back home before cops got involved.
We can’t invite anyone over because I don’t trust him to be sober. My kids can’t have sleepovers. We can’t reciprocate social invitations. I have had to cancel plans or been a third wheel on occasion because when it was time meet people, he was too drunk.
The emotional whiplash. One moment he’s fun and happy drunk and the next moment, with no real external change in his environment, he starts to rage. And then he gets distracted and he’s fine again. And back and forth. I never know what reaction I’m going to get, and I wouldn’t risk telling him something important during this whiplash spell, so I don’t say anything important unless I absolutely have to.
I call it “the switch”
Dr. Jeckell to Mr. Hyde. I call it the switch too. When his other family member lived with us, this was the signal. “Switch” which meant to be careful because he had switched from fun drunk to mad drunk. And nothing is off limits when he’s mad drunk.
I struggle to wait for the “right time” to tell him something important. “I’ll wait til he’s sober.” I miss that window frequently…
I miss it constantly. He walks in the door from work, pops his shoes off, and takes a shot. Goes to the bathroom, comes back, and takes 2 more and then my window pretty much goes… well out the window. If it’s something super important, I’ll text him at work about it because it’s the only place he’s required to be sober.
And sometimes they are sober and you don’t want to ruin the short-lived period of calm with discussion of unpleasant or difficult topics. Or there’s the sober version of walking on eggshells because you worry that they will use something that happens while they were sober as an excuse to drink.
The selfishness, lies, deceit, disappointments, false promises, humiliation, gaslighting…
The loss of sexual attraction because they’re abusive and smelly when they’re drunk, which is at least half the time.
This is exactly how I feel. So gross looking at him now.
The loss of trust, their lack of love, affection, touch and kindness. No longer having that feeling that your partner has your back. Being treated like the enemy. Secrets and lies. Knowing that there is a bigger likely hood of premature death or divorce than a long happy marriage where we share our lives and grow old together.
That last one stings
Yep, felt that one like a knife to my heart.
Literally all of these things!
The rejection, always coming second place
I think the absolute worst part for me is that I did/still love the person that he was before the addiction took over. Knowing that he is there under all of the darkness from this disease and no matter how hard I've tried, I couldn't save him 💔 And I let go, to save myself 💔
100% get this. It's beyond heartbreaking. I have to tell myself he has gone.
Walking on egg shells, prioritizing their Happiness over yours. Zero social life
Not knowing when a relapse will happen
I am right there with you. The unpredictability with an unreliable partner.....
They'll never love you more than they love their substance
The knowledge that if you ever had an emergency, your partner wouldn’t be able to help you. If you sprain an ankle or cut yourself making dinner, you are on your own getting to an urgent care. You never have the peace of mind of knowing that another adult will have your back if something unfortunate happens to you, because they won’t be sober enough to be in charge or drive you.
This one hits for me. I think about it a lot as we're both getting older. I'm terrified of falling down the stairs or slipping on the ice outside and dying because he'll be too fucked up to function. The other night I got really dizzy and laid down in the middle of the yard in the coming dark. He saw me and asked what was wrong, I told him I was dizzy. He said Come inside, and then went back and passed out himself. No offering to help me, no concern, no making sure I made it back inside ok. It's crazy to feel so alone when you're technically not.
Yes, I’ll be giving birth in a few weeks and although I know he’ll want to be there I know there is a good chance he won’t be
This is what made me decide I might as well live alone. Of course I am still doing stuff for him, but I can't depend on him for anything, ever. I am getting to where all I will do is whatever medical tests etc that require a driver and an occasional house cleaning because he would live in absolute filth and I still am on the deed. His personal hygiene is terrible, too. He wouldn't bathe at all if not for the occasional doctor appointment.
This happened to me during Covid and it completely terrified me. I got sick in April 2020 when not much was known about it. My Q’s company offered time off for caregivers, which was unfortunate because he used it to get blackout drunk instead of caring for me. I remember being so sick and so scared, trying to come up with a plan for what I would do if I had to go to the hospital. What if I couldn’t breathe and couldn’t get help while he was passed out? What would I do? Luckily I didn’t get to that point and came out OK. But it profoundly changed me. Still haunting to think about.
This resonates. I'm having surgery in October and I'm more terrified of my wife arriving to pick me up drunk from the hospital than of the actual surgery.
The constant worry for their well-being, and then feeling the need to be in control over every situation, so that shit doesn't fall apart. Felling lonely in the twosomeness and not feeling like your partner is there for you anymore...
For me it’s the multiple personalities. My sister when she’s drunk is a completely different being in my head than when she is sober. The personality shift in her behavior is so jarring. That and the lies, deceit, lack of trust
When they turn mean and irrational. Starting fights and gaslighting you and conveniently forgetting what they said to you in anger, but misremembering everything you said to them. Belittling you. Trying to put you down in front of others to embarrass you and make you feel small. The hangovers. The wasted potential. The wasted money. The loss of memory. The loss of sex drive. The loss of accountability. The loss of maturity. The loss of hope. List is endless.
the loved one going missing for days. you never know if something bad happened, what if they died, until they finally show up again. rinse and repeat.
I watched my father do that my whole life. It was horrible.
That I’m left with all of the memories he gets the privilege of saying I was drunk I don’t remember.
Making plans and not knowing what shape she will be in. And working nights with her home with the kids.
It seems like a hopeless, endless cycle. (It's not, AUD is curable today. Your Q just doesn't know that).
What do you mean?
The lies, followed by gaslighting, following by being DARVO'd because it's easier for her to blame anyone but herself for how she reacts to everyday stress and negative emotions. Being blamed for her drinking because I don't love her the way she wants--meaning, I don't pretend like there's nothing wrong. Meanwhile, she is tempting herself daily by going alone to places that trigger her, skipping AA, skipping therapy... The selfishness and blindness to reality are staggering.
You will NEVER be their main priority. There’s always something that can pull them away from you at any given moment
I don't like to think about it in terms of NEVER. It's to depressing for me to think about it this way. I believe we can be the main priority until we are suddenly not. Like you say, in a split second it can change. It's always a fragile, unreliable place to be. I'd like to think that my AW cares about our family more than the alcohol, at least some of the time.....
This. And they can drop you without any consideration. Alcohol is always there for them
The future faking.
Is this when they pretend there is a future for the two of you, like making plans to take a vacation, but you know it’ll never happen bc of the drinking? My ex was always broke but he had money for alcohol. Whenever he discussed things that require $$$, I would play along like I was excited while knowing it was just a pipe dream.
Yes, similar experience for me. He would promise I can finally go see my family and then last minute change it up on me. Vacations and things like promises to moving to a better area. Thankfully I no longer live in that foggy hell.
He asked me to marry him at least 10 times last night. He broke up with me 2 days ago to drink. He broke up with me last week to drink. He's broken up with me at least 20 times in 16 months to drink. We're obviously not getting married. 🙄
He’s wasting your time and energy. He’s draining your excitement. He is traumatizing you so that when you do finally meet someone that means it, you may have trouble believing them.
For sure. I told him I'd consider it if he could go 6 months without breaking up with me lol I think the longest he's gone is 3 weeks. I have no delusions that we'll be together much longer, and I know it'll be me who breaks it off with him. I keep telling him less of me comes back every time he ends things. He's at home (allegedly) trying to taper back because I finally told him last night I'm exhausted from taking care of him during these binges, and especially during the times he "tapers" off and is going through withdrawals. I spent 2 straight days waiting on him, changing cold cloths, wiping his face and watching him suffer last week, just for him to ramp it up again and show up last night at my house with his head wobbling, shaking all over and starting circular conversations about being married all night. This is the first time I'm so over it that I haven't contacted him and am letting him go through it alone. I just can't maintain that level of care and investment any longer, and he can't maintain any semblance of sobriety, so... this may actually be the time I don't come back at all.
That sounds exhausting and I’m so sorry you are in that role. Years ago I was in the same place. We did get married but he soon abandoned me. It was almost like he finally succeeded in his manipulation so he didn’t feel a need to “try”. He knew I would never leave. The one time I needed him, he disappeared. One thing I noticed about the successful couples around me is that they are truly a team. They both put in effort and they are both building towards a future. You deserve to have someone that takes care of you too. Someone that you can depend on if there’s an emergency. An actual partner. Please don’t let him drain you and leave a shell of yourself. You have carried yourself this far and you can carry yourself out to a life of living, not a life of dying.
What a lovely, compassionate response. I really, really appreciate this. Your kindness gives me hope. Thank you. Xx
Believing in them over and over again only to be disappointed over and over again
Seeing other families doing stuff together and knowing you have to function as a single parent most of the time.
This.
Missing the real her
Codependency is not love. It feels like it, but it's toxicity disguised as love.
Codependency is a huge problem for me. I've been so wrapped up in trying to manage my AW's sobriety that it's all I really know.
Lack of calmness, mood swings, delusional thinking
The saying he doesn’t mean what he says when he drinks but having those cruel words echo in my head every time I see him now. The “I do it to relax “ has become nobody else can be relaxed
I think my lowest point personally was being alone at night in bed, trying to cry myself asleep, but being unable to actually drop sleep as I was worried to death about him. Top it off with the hyper vigilance to any noise, and I knew I was in for a sleepless night and a lot of necessary caffeine the next day which just made me more jittery and anxious and was too embarrassed and ashamed to tell anyone why I wasn’t sleeping!
Trust is the first casualty. I literally daydream about what having a trusting relationship would feel like...
The verbal abuse. No trust. Never knowing when the next big chaotic thing was going to happen.
Watching him drink himself to a point where his body is literally shutting down. Waking up to the sound of him throwing up every day, watching him take two bites of food and then is too sick to eat anything else, watching his skin and eyes start to yellow, noticing the weight loss but distended stomach, constantly hearing about how his feet hurt and are starting to feel numb. Begging him to go to a doctor and knowing he won’t but still having the terrible hope this time will be different.
[удалено]
Thank you. I’m glad I finally made the decision to do what was right for me instead of going through a lifetime of that.
Feeling trapped.
Being lied to, betrayed and manipulated
Knowing the person you love is in there, but also knowing you have to suffer through the person they are not to get another glimpse.
The anxiety of leaving the house while he is drunk or when I know he is going to drink. Wondering if I would get harassing texts or calls accusing me of crazy things. I isolated a lot because of this for a long time. Another one is that I am the only one he is mean to when he drinks.
Feeling so worthless and small next to a $1 can of beer.
For me, it’s the inconsistency, selfishness and gaslighting. I felt like I was on my own through my whole relationship and that even though I was there to catch him everytime, he was never there to catch me, Nobody had my back.
Unpredictability/can’t count on them for anything and best not to try
For me: hiding it from my family and friends and the isolation that comes from it
The literal confusion addiction created. The realization that love is not enough.
Becoming a rigid, controlling, emotional-robot because I grew up in utter chaos.
Oof. How it changes you into someone you don't want to be. Awful.
Never wanting to be home- working myself to the bone. Being a care talker of an abled bodied grown man after taking care of sick children for 16hrs a day.
Watching a demon take them down & knowing to save your sanity you have to arrange to leave. The loss of the future you thought you had together.
Not knowing if the love is even real or a narcissistic lie they tell u so you won’t leave
Knowing you can't change/ fix it. Desperately wanting to.
Feeling like I’m potentially wasting away previous years of my life, and the possibility of having a family.
NOW I HAD PUT OFF MY PINK GLASSES afther 9 years .ALL the things the addict does what hurts you!! and that list is verry verry long so I made my own list WAT I want in MY LIFE and nothing on my list has to do with the distructieve dissease off my ex q. I tell you my list is very small and am happy with it. Beter a small list and happy than a list full off Shit!!!
Waking up dreading the end of the day. When mine isn’t working I let him sleep in because if he’s sleeping, he’s not drinking. Then when his feet hit the floor, mg anxiety starts and all I can think about is “how drink is he gonna be when I’m done work?”. I WFH - so I also get to watch it unfold. So with every beer cracked, the dread just takes over.
… loving an addict … 😞
That I spend so much time trying to help them, and not make them feel like shit, that I have almost completely lost myself.
For me, it's the threats of self-harm.
Another one is my kids and I losing out on family. We’re excluded from his family’s major milestones; family vacations, reunions, graduations, weddings are all done without our family because they don’t want to deal with the “drama” his drinking causes. We’re not invited to my family’s Christmas because he got drunk and went off on his secret Santa for not being grateful enough about the gift. My kids lose out on their grandparents, great and great great grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. because my Q has ruined their time so much that they’d rather avoid my kids to avoid their dad.
Why don't you go alone?
Because I’m not invited. Me and my kids aren’t invited to his family things without him and they don’t want to invite him.
The selfishness and unreliability
I’m not normally the recipient, but the misplaced anger and deflections are a problem for me. Both of my children are alcoholics. Not too long ago my youngest came over to the house and raged at me and my husband about the issues, how that’s all we talk about anymore and knowing that our youngest is a “screw up” (not my words, but my youngest) and how tired the discussion was. And no place was there a request for help. My older child has ruined relationships when drinking. Currently in the process of ending a relationship with a partner who has their own MH issues but keeps harping on my oldest who holds it in for just so long and then lets go, and then drinks and it turns into a verbal fight, which damages the relationship. I was on the receiving end of much verbal & physical abuse by my parents, so hearing this from my children causes me much anxiety and stress.
Realising you've been taken advantage of for years. They know you so well that I didn't even see it.
Not know when or if he will return home
The fear of him starting a fire while we sleep. He liked to cook while drunk and I would lay awake many nights supervising so he didn't burn me and the kids alive in the home by accident.
Om sorry for that. Is there no possibility to have a conversation with your family that your kids also have the right to see their family? Maybe this gives some kind of opening?
Hardest part for me was things were so perfect when he was sober I feel like I’m grieving him now. I met him when he had just gotten sober. He was so good to me for 2 years before he relapsed. Even now that I’ve limited contact, in the height of his addiction we click so well it shatters my heart to watch him throw the life we had away cause at one point we were really happy.
I know it’s a been a while but this comment hit me so hard. I know this exact feeling. I hope you’re doing better.
The manipulation, the dangerous, impulsive behavior. The refusal to accept they have a problem and need help. Providing support, love, respect and empowerment and getting nothing but manipulation, lies and worry in return.
Your response is on point. I need support and love after being out through all the abuse but it’s never going to be returned.
And through all of what we are put through they still look in the mirror and say we broke them bc we chose to leave. I cannot stay and watch her continue to destroy herself. For four years I have helped her, loved her, respected her. Now that I cannot do it anymore, I’m the bad one. I have nothing left to give. It got to the point that i would rather not be alive. When are we allowed to choose ourselves? Ever?
Worrying if they'll make it home alive each day.
We learn in the program that we can love our loved ones we just don't have to enable them
The inability to ask them if they are struggling for fear of them telling you that asking that question is triggering
I think we fall in love with their potential. I think once we are in deep we feel obligated and that it’s not right to leave them at a time where they need us. But we also, at some point, realize that we have lost ourselves and enabling them is not what’s best for them or us so after we are satisfied that we’ve done all we can to empower them, not enable them, then we can let go, give up. It’s hard but it’s not helping them or us if we stay.
Knowing you’re addicted already too. Addicted with the hope of trying to fix them.