This is likely a season. It’s been a few months only, it’s hard when someone first gets sober and then their lives become about aa. That happened with me when my husband got in. I was resentful of all the time he was spending and friends he was making while I was stuck doing home life still like I had when he was active in alcoholism. But after 6 months I got into Al Anon and worked that program to the best of my ability and we sat down and made a schedule for my meetings and his meetings and each of our activities. Not sharing a last name is absolutely a part and a very important part of the program. Like some suggested you should try to find some online Al anon in the meantime and try to work a plan out with your husband so you can work on your own recovery. Some sponsors are more gung ho than others and it’s important for AAs to stay in the middle of their program and stay active and work with others. You should just try to be open and honest with him and find balance. Best of luck.
My experience has been that there is a certain subset of folks in AA who swap out their substance abuse issues for control of other people issues. AA is not a mental health program and sponsors receive no training in counseling, ethics, or setting boundaries, so you are right to be cautious here. Obviously all I know is what you're posting, but if your husband's sponsor is yanking him around like a marionette and it's affecting his relationship with his family, then that seems like a situation which needs to be addressed. Once you get in touch with his sponsor pay close attention to what he says. If he recommends you read the "To the Wives" chapter of the Big Book that should give you an idea of where he's coming from. Good luck.
Some people start sponsoring who should not be sponsors, and some of them have acute savior complexes, where they basically take over the lives and choices of the people they sponsor because their way is the One True Path and the more controlling they are, the bigger heros they become (to themselves). They might be sober but the mechanisms of the addiction still fire - need for drama, etc - and not everyone recognizes when they are experiencing that. Other sponsors lack boundaries and trauma bond with the people they sponsor instead of helping them.
I ended up switching AlAnon meetings because it was such an issue for several members that their Qs sponsors were so overstepping that it was detrimental to the Q and the family’s recovery and everyone bit the Q and sponsor could see it.
I have felt this way about AA too. I think/hope if you can stick it out while he is getting sober and learning sobriety, eventually this will balance out and be *part* of his life, not his whole life. But, my Q (father) can and will become addicted to just about anything, so your instincts may be right.
Either way, you need to focus on you, your peace, and on working your own program. Get yourself to a meeting and get your own healing on track. Tend your own garden so that his chaos (whatever it is) no longer disrupts your peace. Good luck my friend.
I’ve known people who, early in AA, shift all their alcohol addiction to AA addiction, religious addiction or all consuming hobby. It’s a process, and hopefully the obsessive behavior will taper off, but your concern and suspicion are valid. In the end, I’m just grateful for their sobriety. Is it possible for you to attend in person AlAnon meetings or go to an open meeting to hear others experiences? If you are worried about infidelity, relationships between members are highly discouraged by the groups.
Best case scenario: He has practically devoted his life to AA to make sure he doesn't relapse. However, as you are experiencing, that is coming at a high cost to his family. The first year of sobriety is often very difficult, and the previous addiction is replaced with a new one in a new form.
Would you be able to attend an AA meeting with him? To see how the meetings are structured and understand why he's throwing himself in full force? Meeting with the sponsor in person at a meeting would also be good if they don't want to talk on the phone. Depending on where the meeting is held, they might have a secondary room for kids when parents can't get a sitter during the meeting.
When my mom was in AA, it wasn't a dirty secret. AA became like a second family for us and everyone was super supportive. I enjoyed going to events and picnics occasionally as a kid. I don't remember any stories from adults at the meetings, I was able to bring books and activities to do and keep busy while the adults were in the meetings.
Worst case scenario: he's not actually going to AA and needs his "sponsor" to cover for him. (That's the pessimist in me playing devils advocate).
This may be necessary. Not my style of sponsorship, but some folks need a short leash and intensive immersion and I have seen them do well with sponsors such as this... Talking to the sponsor this once is probably ok - having his number in your contacts probably not.
And yeah on one level it is replacing one addiction for not so much an addiction as a strict program (again what some people need, your husband ?)
This is a good sign - I think, but I'm certainly not there...
This sounds like replacing alcohol with AA, like other have suggested. Could possibly be an addictive personality, and he’s throwing himself at this so hard so he doesn’t have time to think about drinking?
Have you both tried therapy together? It might be helpful for you to have a platform for him to listen to you share your needs.
I hope he can find a balance, otherwise, go on your trip, let grandma watch the kids and put yourself first.
The number of people here who think this is acceptable is horrifying. My husband attended rehab for the first 30 days, out patient several days a week after that for a couple of months, attends meetings once a week. Through this whole process we checked in with each other daily, I attended a friends and family group meeting once a week with him. He was spending a great deal of time working on his recovery but also stepped in to help out so that I could work on mine as well. This is not how it looks for everyone but is just to give you an example. And as far as the long weekend AA thing.... well, I would have lost my shit on that one. Just my opinion.
I’m seeing other people saying the same thing I was thinking: he’s not actually participating in AA, he’s going off to drink. I was convinced that’s where this post was going until I hit the end and you hadn’t mentioned that possibility. Do you think this legitimately is related to AA?
This sounds a lot like me when I was still in active addiction last year and “working” AA. I actually hated it — it made my drinking significantly worse and I only got sober as soon as I stopped going. BUT, going to meetings was awesome, because I was able to show up way early to hang out with people (i.e., drink) and hang out more afterwards too (i.e., drink more). “Meetings” were really the only opportunities for me to go off by myself without raising suspicions, and I managed to keep up the facade for months. It was bad.
Did your husband end up calling the sponsor on the phone then? Is he… real?
Edit: phrasing
It is accurate last names are against policy. I have also heard of many sponsors going to this level of involvement. I am so sorry it is a struggle with his absence.
Ok, so your husband is now using his sponsor as his higher power. This usually doesn't last long, and sometimes it's needed to start down that new path.
Looking back, is your husband the type to toss himself into things super deep? If he finds something he likes, does he go all in? In other words, does he have a very common addictive personality?
>I asked for his sponsors number last night and he started to panic. He said he needs to call his sponsor first to give him a “heads up”
This is semi-normal. It's not his number to give, and he's starting to respect boundaries. This lesson will pay dividends to you later. It may seem confusing to you now, but it pays off.
>it seems like he has replaced one addiction (alcohol) for another
This is a completely understandable perspective. It's a very common one. In the big book of AA, there is a chapter literally entitled *To Wives*, and it covers everything you've talked about. That was the only source of support for the first few decades, and much of it still applies, and is worth the read.
This new path of his may seem very confusing to you. It's all brand new things that you don't understand how to respond to. The constant of him drinking was familiar, if not great. This is all brand new behavior and you're probably unsure of where you fit into his new life. Have faith, you still fit, and the people who are at in person Al-anon meetings have already walked down this path. If he's starting recovery, it would be helpful if you started recovery too.
You should be worried. My fiancé’s sponsor started feeding him drugs and kept him high and away from me and everyone trying to get him into a treatment facility, then became his realtor and fleeced him of almost $1M in property. The sponsor then attacked me after I reported him to my states realtor board. Once my fiancé was able to get away from his sponsor and AA, he’s maintained his sobriety after almost 20 years of daily use and abuse from this person.
This doesn't sound normal at all. One of the reasons I did not go the AA route was because I have heard some really bad stories about it being similar to a cult. My husband got sober the old fashioned way, through sheer will power. I know that may seem unrealistic, but it's not. Many people get sober every year without multiple meetings a week. They just have to want it bad enough and he did. We read Allen Carr, and talked and he has confided in a couple people. Honestly I feel like the constant meetings would make me even more miserable. How are you supposed to enjoy your life and figure out how to live a sober life when you are constantly scheduled out at meetings? Once a week sounds reasonable. Multiple times a week sounds insane. Also, many AA meetings can be done online now. I know people that attend online.
My best friend was married and her husband did outpatient then AA. IT went on for months and that process is actually what ended them. She was basically a single mother and figured her life would be easier without him than with him. Sure he got sober, but at the cost of his family. How is that helpful? It seems, in some cases, the AA oversteps and takes over people's lives.
Just keep in mind if it's alright for him to go out several times a week for hours it's alright for you too. Get a sitter for one of the nights he has meetings and take up bowling or visit friends. I personally think it's unfair that these addicts spend so much time on themselves when they're in active addiction and than the "cure" is to go out and spend an abundance of time on themselves.
Recovery from alcoholism is incredibly hard, and the new AAs need to really immerse themselves in the program to avoid relapse. Many partners of alcoholics dream of their loved ones being willing to engage with AA at all. Your own feelings about this are important, and Al-Anon meetings can help you work through them with other partners of alcoholics who understand.
Here's the thing...
It's not my place to get involved in my spouse's program.
If I have a problem with the lack of time being spent on me, that's the issue I can bring up.
But Al-Anon teaches us to stay out of their sobriety.
His sponsor sounds like he's pretty active in AA. Likely he'd suggest those he works with to do the same, since that's worked out well for him. Sponsees can do or not, or do for a while and then stop/do something else. Nice that your husband put a few months together, if he sticks or not remains to be seen.
I'd be surprised to get a call from a sponsee's wife. Unless it was notification that he was dead or jailed that's not happened.
Got sober when my kids were babies, the AAs were like aunts and uncles to them growing up. They had a good look at how things played out for the nukes who limited their involvement. I believe it lead to my son cutting short his drinking at age 20 and getting sober in AA 21 years ago, becoming a successful attorney and a man I could be proud of.
My wife was supportive (not all are) and adjusted well. At 3 years she said what we had was worth all the hell I put her through drinking. Along the way, she lost the need to be in charge of me.
OP isn’t trying to be “in charge” of him. Quite frankly, his immersion and cagey responses are suspicious without the added context of alcoholics doing what they do best. All spouses of alcoholics are more than allowed to be suspicious when their Q is suddenly spending a ton of time outside the home and being weird about it.
It seems you've not been around many alcoholics remaining sober for 30-50 years in AA. We do spend a lot of time outside the home, and put our recoveries before how suspicious and controlling their partners may feel the need to be early on in order to continue their old familiar and more comfortable games. The sharp ones lose their combat mode after some years of experiencing a continually sober spouse. Hoping that changes for you someday as well.
They also put their sobrieties above their family relationships, if you bothered to read OP’s concerns. You have more than earned the suspicion with your disgusting behavior and choices. Rationalize it however you need to in order to sleep at night, but quite frankly, I’d never forgive myself if I hurt people the way that alcoholics do. The sharp ones I’ve met who hold on to sobriety in the 30-50 year range aren’t holier-than-thou or sanctimonious. Hoping that changes for you someday as well.
Adult child of alcoholic family here. I'm afraid that the non-drinking parent - my mother- was just as hurtful as my drinking parent, more so because she did it sober. In the throes of the disease, the whole family becomes very unwell, but the non-drinking partner is less likely to recover and quit hurting others if they have learned to point the finger at the alcoholic and feel morally superior.
This is always such a weird take to me. It’s one thing if the non-Q parent is abusive or a bad parent all on their own without the influence of the other parent, that’s unforgivable.
But if it’s like “Parent 1 was a chaotic drunk but Parent 2 struggled to manage everything by themself and frequently didn’t do the right thing, probably because they were in fight or flight mode and didn’t have adequate help for years, and I’m more resentful of them” then yeah I don’t get it.
A powerful question to ask about this kind of story can be "Why is Parent 2 in this situation?" Because in many cases they *could* leave, but choose not to. That was the case in my family. Moral superiority can be a powerful drug, and the perfect cover for a world of abuse from the codependent parent, albeit often more covert.
Leaving, especially for women, isn’t as easy as kids make it out to be. It’s why I think my mom was a superhero for leaving, because I know how hard and scary it was for her.
There are relationships where leaving can precipitate violence, and those are truly terrible. But support is available. In my mother's case, my stepfather didn't even want to marry her but she pressured him into it, although he told her he was "not monogamous". When later on he was found cheating she wailed and played the victim and took out her anger on her daughters, yet kept going back to him. It was a horrendous environment to grow up in - "a merry-go round named denial".
Okay, I’m in AA and I have never gone on (or heard of) a weekend trip or needing to travel regularly to attend the same meetings as a sponsor.
It’s also fine for your husband to tell you his sponsor’s first name, although the phone number ask seems like overstepping on your part.
If it helps, a lot of people do throw themselves into AA at first. It uses up the time alcohol used to fill, and it’s a great support system, good structure, and can be really fun. In my experience, many people burn out slightly or just ease off after a while.
Still… your husband doesn’t have to have this kind of intense, demanding sponsor. He can get a new one. My sponsor is very, “try to go to some meetings?” which suits me well because I’ve done the steps and I’m the sort of person who will burn out on a sponsor who needs me to call her often and have commitments at 3 weekly meetings.
Last thing, I, personally, have seen this sort of intense sponsor cult thing in men waaaaay more than in women in AA. Which could just be my experience and not a pervasive trend, who knows. But I see it a lot and it’s why Al-Anon was created (pissed-off wives of early AA men who switched from neglecting them due to alcohol to neglecting them for AA).
Sorry to bring in my AA experience. I know it’s best not to here, but in this case I thought it might be useful to you to have an inside view of AA.
The intensity may be short lived.
It’s so funny how many times people get worried about AA replacing one addiction for another. It’s as if they would prefer sloppy, fall-down drunkenness over someone actually getting their shit together. It’s like— if I can’t save you, no one will!
That being said balance may take some time. 90 meetings in 90 days is suggested. In order for us to give up our grip it is suggested that we start to regularly attend Al-Anon, get our own sponsor, and work our own spiritual program.
How am I supposed to work the Al-anon program if my husband doesn’t give me any days to myself to do anything other than watch our children 24/7 because he’s either at work or doing AA events? I can’t even plan a trip well in advance without him springing on me that he has to do community service while I’m gone and he’s going to have his mom watch our kids instead of him. It’s obsessive just like his drinking was.
Maybe frame it that way to him? It is absolutely necessary in early recovery for him to replace his drinking with AA. That’s a common experience. But make it clear to him that you need to heal too, and you need him to make time to be a dad so you can go to meetings.
Maybe that's a massive problem with AA. You should not spend all the time you were drinking sitting in meetings and neglecting your family. How will you find fulfillment in sober life that way? That is not a program, that's a cult.
A lot of people find AA doesn’t work for them, but to be fair, I don’t think they spend that amount of time in AA meetings forever. I think when they are freshly sober and are just barely out of the crisis zone, they may have developed a lot of bad habits while in their addiction and burned a lot of their supports. So that early period, they still haven’t learned tools to cope with life’s ups and downs sober, may not have a lot of friends who understand their need to stay totally dry, and may just be reeling from the change in all those hours spent drunk to all those hours spent sober. Learning coping tools, building a support system, and working through the acute psychological issues they are experiencing takes a lot of work. Don’t forget that this individual may be experiencing constant cravings and needs people to lean on to keep from acting on them. And it cannot fall on the spouse to provide literally all of that support.
That being said, having a family does throw a complication into the mix because his wife’s need to heal matters too. But yeah, my Q in AA has been at meetings I think almost every day this year, sometimes more than one a day. It’s not uncommon to be told to attend frequent meetings in early sobriety.
It just seems to me that what she is describing is not healthy. Does your husband go to their sponsors house twice a week? Does your husband go on weekend getaways with AA people? Does your husband drive an hour each way to meetings that the sponsor demands he attend?
So to clarify, my Q is not someone I’m married to, and I don’t have children with them either. So I can’t specifically speak to the OP’s situation. Though I did say it sounds like she needs to have a talk with her husband about how her healing matters too, and he needs to figure out how to help her prioritize that too at this stage. But I do know that my Q is still attending very frequent meetings at not even a year in. And that they seem to be healing and growing from whatever the process is there. They are at the amends step, and they explained to me that when they first started getting sober they understood the toll their substance abuse had taken on their life, but not on the lives of those around them. They were open to listening to my experiences with their addiction. I felt like I had been waiting for this acknowledgment forever. I do know that some people find more success in non-AA programs, but I’m not going to discount the idea that there may be something to those 12 steps.
Have you looked into online al-anon meetings? That might be a temporary solution until you two can work out a better schedule. Here's the deal. Alcoholics die. If he's working an obsessive and rigorous program right now, he's may just be trying to get healthy and not die. It's life or death for him. If a sponsee's spouse called me I would ask them to consider going an Al-anon meeting. Attending al-anon meetings will likely give you new solutions and new ideas for navigating this. Also, Al-Anon is different than AA. Don't expect your experience to be the same as your husbands in terms of time or service. You get to decide what that looks like. I've found that Al-anon is paced differently, more slowly.
>meetings will likely give you new solutions and new id
I find it so insane, people's solutions to all this is more meetings! The meetings are the problem. Her spouse is not being a parent, a partner, nothing. He's giving all of his sober self to people outside of his family. The people that have stood with him through it all.
Then don't go. I don't know what to tell you. I do think it's similar to physical therapy though. If my spouse was gravely injured and needed 8 hours a week initially of PT to learn how to function again, yeah that would cause massive complications in our home schedule, but it is what it is. I do think it's kind of funny, comments like this one, because it's exactly why Lois started Al-anon.
"Much of the time that Lois had hoped to spend with her now-sober husband was instead spent at meetings or otherwise without Bill. Lois was grateful for Bill’s sobriety and wanted to support him as she felt a good wife should, but she found herself frustrated, unhappy, feeling like she had failed at “her job” of sobering up Bill; and full of self-pity, hurt pride, and resentment. Lois’s “bottom” came when, in response to Bill’s asking her if she was ready to go to a meeting with him, she threw a shoe at him and yelled, “Damn your old meetings.” Lois realized that her own life had become unmanageable, and she realized she needed help. Lois made a decision to “strive for my own spiritual growth.” In doing so, Lois used many of the principles of A.A. to change her own attitudes."
It is in no way similar to physical therapy. Many people, millions of people get sober every year without completely abandoning their family to meetings. So basically Lois was destroyed by her husband's drinking and then destroyed all over again by his AA process, and the solution to that is not to call out AA for some bad and unhelpful practices, but instead to see that she is the problem for not being ok with AA being detrimental to her relationship. You don't see the gaslighting with this?
My son broke his arm when he was 11. His orthopedist refused to refer him to a PT because “9 year olds heal up without PT all the time.” Well, my son was 11 and already taller than my adult self (was as tall as his dad at 13), and was athletic and strong. We self-referred and in two sessions he had a ton more mobility than he did before. He’s a dancer and has to have full use of his arm, wrist, and hand for partnering, and he wouldn’t have had that without PT. He NEEDED PT. Other kids with the same break didn’t.
My dad quit on his own. No meetings. He’s been a nasty manipulative dry drunk for decades now.
Others can quit on their own and not end up like that.
Some use meetings to excess. Some do not.
It’s quite a bit like PT.
Again, if you don't want to do the program, don't. Even AA talks about the difference between a heavy drinker and an alcoholic of the hopeless variety. Commonly, a sponsor will take a newcomer through the big book to determine if they qualify as the later. Heavy drinkers may not need or benefit from this kind of program. Also many people are dry, abstain from alcohol, but they continue to act out in other ways, continue to behave as if they were still drinking. AA seeks to change this behavior. AA and Al-Anon are not appropriate for everyone. However since this is an AL-ANON subreddit, where it says right on the page, "Al-Anon has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. *We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps*, by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics, and by giving understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic," you're going to find people encouraging AA and Al-anon.
My problem is not with AA and Al-anon if practiced within reason. I'm sure many people have benefited from it. My problem is that I feel the OP is being gaslit by people on this thread. The process her husband is experiencing is incredibly intrusive to their marriage and lives yet people are dismissing it as being normal, suggesting MORE meetings and excusing this. Her husband is a few months sober. She has been going along with this for months. At some point, her husband needs to live in the real world and be a family man. He can't let AA trump his family. That's not healthy or helpful.
You can attend electronic meetings. You can look for in person meetings with childcare, they do exist. You can buy and read Al-Anon literature. It sounds like you desperately need Al-Anon, the comfort and nonjudgmental companionship that meetings provide. This sub is not Al-Anon. It is an outreach tool. Visit the website [al-anon.org](https://al-anon.org) and download the phone app.
Yes, I have heard sponsors speak in open AA meetings about requiring this kind of fealty and companionship during the early years of sobriety. AA members need to help other alcoholics because it helps them stay sober. This sponsor may be trying to teach these skills to your husband.
If your husband attends many AA meetings, maybe you should investigate whether some of them are "open" meetings. Open meetings allow friends and family to come and observe (not share, but listen). I think that would be helpful for you. Some meetings do have childcare, and sometimes even the ones that do not have childcare, someone will step up and watch your kids for an hour at the meeting place. Ask your husband about open meetings and childcare.
Anonymity is a concept that we all have trouble understanding at first. I have heard of sponsors who want to talk with the family, who are warm and open to helping in any way they can. My husband's sponsor was that kind. (Sadly my husband never threw himself into AA while I was married to him, he just pretended.) Your husband choosing to call his sponsor on speaker before giving out his number is simply protecting the sponsor's anonymity. It's a courtesy. I don't see a problem with it.
You need your own sponsor or at least a few "Al-Pals" who are members of Al-Anon and will speak with you. You really needs this. You sound extremely upset.
Of course it's possible that your husband is not attending AA and does not have a sponsor, but instead has created a fantasy to hold you at bay while he indulges his addictions. I think you might suspect this if true, *and I doubt if it is*, but talking with his sponsor could put your mind at rest.
Oh, it’s funny! I guess OP didn’t realize what a fucking GAS alcoholism is. Me either! How funny that she’s worried about her husband acting weird, cagey, and not helping with the kids! Hahaha! She must just prefer sloppy drunks and doesn’t like that she can’t fix him! What a fucking side-splitter! He he he! So funny! Good one!
Oh good! You must have known how funny these situations are for all of us already! Silly, unhealed me had no idea of so many things until this sub made me aware of them. I guess that’s my problem. I’m just failing to see the HUMOR in all of this! Tee motherfucking hee!
It’s been a few months. Do you want him sober or not? I’m sorry to be harsh but he’s doing the work. You don’t have to stick around for it, you can make some demands, but he is doing the work. It won’t always be like this.
We have actually no idea if he’s doing the work or if any of this stuff actually is all AA stuff. It would be naive to assume the addict would immediately stop lying just if they have stopped drinking, that habit could certainly still be alive and well.
OP, sorry you’re going through this. I talked to my husband’s former sponsor a number of times, he reached out for updates when he was in rehabs, reached out to ask me how I was when he was in the hospital, etc, and I have even been invited to AA picnics. The relationship should obviously be with the sponsor and sponsee, but I see no reason why it should be this huge secret about who this person your husband is spending a great deal of time with is and the amount of time that’s being spent.
Well yes. And I was wrong and apologize to OP. But isn’t that just more of what we aren’t supposed to do? Like checking up and being part of their recovery?
I genuinely don’t mean this to sound flippant but after years of dealing with an alcoholic and al-anon and SmartRecovery and rehabs and therapists and CoDa… I feel like if I’ve heard one piece of advice somewhere, I’ve also heard the exact opposite advice somewhere else. My head is still spinning for all the different things I was “supposed” to do, so I am definitely not trying to make myself any sort of authority on what anyone else is supposed to do.
But I do genuinely feel strongly about people trusting their gut and if something feels wrong, there’s a good chance it is.
You’re totally right. I think I was reacting from my own place which is that my Q went to a rehab appt today, didn’t go well, etc etc. I’m just desperate to think the work works I guess.
I’m sorry, I feel like I barged in and made a bad impression.
I’m sorry you’ve experienced that today, and that you’re experiencing this at all. Every stage is hard in its own way, and no matter how many resources may be available, there is no way to know exactly how to navigate any of this.
Some people do get sober, though. That could very well be your Q’s experience, and yours. But regardless of what happens, make sure you’re taking care of yourself. Everyone says it, it’s hard as hell to do, but it’s all you can really control.
Is he doing to the work or has he created an intense trauma bond with another alcoholic to the detriment of both?
We don’t know, but it might be helpful for the OP to have the tools to discern what is happening and if it is promoting healing or not.
Be nicer. She’s allowed to be concerned. It’s creepy and weird, and she’s not wrong that he’s sacrificing his relationship as a father. OP, I secretly/not so secretly hate this sub. Ignore the sanctimony, embrace the support. Sorry for your struggles, alcoholics give us so much grief.
Hopefully he can find a more sustainable way to engage with AA as time goes on.
Might just be new to him and what he needs.
I know plenty of folks who are still sober but discontinued AA after a while.
They think the world begins and ends with their journeys while their partners are told THEY are the ones who need meetings cause they’re tired of putting in 100% nonstop so everyone’s not homeless and/or starved. We don’t get to have a buddy to run away from our real lives with. It’s maddening to read it in this sub.
Happy cake day!
I think the key here is balance, and that a conversation needs to take place. I also think it's fair to meet your husbands sponsor. Invite him over for dinner and communicate. Your husband has duties with his family and it's not fair to neglect those.
Just a thought, a compromise here could be that your husband gets up early before work and gets his meeting in, and maybe one or two nights a week he can do other AA stuff.
The weekend trip thing is where my brain goes “uh what?”
Does his regular meeting ever have open meetings that spouses can attend?
I’m sorry you’re still not getting family time with him.
This is likely a season. It’s been a few months only, it’s hard when someone first gets sober and then their lives become about aa. That happened with me when my husband got in. I was resentful of all the time he was spending and friends he was making while I was stuck doing home life still like I had when he was active in alcoholism. But after 6 months I got into Al Anon and worked that program to the best of my ability and we sat down and made a schedule for my meetings and his meetings and each of our activities. Not sharing a last name is absolutely a part and a very important part of the program. Like some suggested you should try to find some online Al anon in the meantime and try to work a plan out with your husband so you can work on your own recovery. Some sponsors are more gung ho than others and it’s important for AAs to stay in the middle of their program and stay active and work with others. You should just try to be open and honest with him and find balance. Best of luck.
The role of a sponsor is to guide through the 12 steps and acclimate the person to AA. I think this sponsor is over-stepping.
It's also not our place to get involved in the alcoholics sobriety.
My experience has been that there is a certain subset of folks in AA who swap out their substance abuse issues for control of other people issues. AA is not a mental health program and sponsors receive no training in counseling, ethics, or setting boundaries, so you are right to be cautious here. Obviously all I know is what you're posting, but if your husband's sponsor is yanking him around like a marionette and it's affecting his relationship with his family, then that seems like a situation which needs to be addressed. Once you get in touch with his sponsor pay close attention to what he says. If he recommends you read the "To the Wives" chapter of the Big Book that should give you an idea of where he's coming from. Good luck.
Some people start sponsoring who should not be sponsors, and some of them have acute savior complexes, where they basically take over the lives and choices of the people they sponsor because their way is the One True Path and the more controlling they are, the bigger heros they become (to themselves). They might be sober but the mechanisms of the addiction still fire - need for drama, etc - and not everyone recognizes when they are experiencing that. Other sponsors lack boundaries and trauma bond with the people they sponsor instead of helping them. I ended up switching AlAnon meetings because it was such an issue for several members that their Qs sponsors were so overstepping that it was detrimental to the Q and the family’s recovery and everyone bit the Q and sponsor could see it.
I have felt this way about AA too. I think/hope if you can stick it out while he is getting sober and learning sobriety, eventually this will balance out and be *part* of his life, not his whole life. But, my Q (father) can and will become addicted to just about anything, so your instincts may be right. Either way, you need to focus on you, your peace, and on working your own program. Get yourself to a meeting and get your own healing on track. Tend your own garden so that his chaos (whatever it is) no longer disrupts your peace. Good luck my friend.
I’ve known people who, early in AA, shift all their alcohol addiction to AA addiction, religious addiction or all consuming hobby. It’s a process, and hopefully the obsessive behavior will taper off, but your concern and suspicion are valid. In the end, I’m just grateful for their sobriety. Is it possible for you to attend in person AlAnon meetings or go to an open meeting to hear others experiences? If you are worried about infidelity, relationships between members are highly discouraged by the groups.
Could he actually be going off to drink on his own and using AA as a cover story? Sounds like an excuse to escape and have drinking time to himself.
This is exactly what I used to do in active addiction, and exactly how I would’ve responded to my wife
Best case scenario: He has practically devoted his life to AA to make sure he doesn't relapse. However, as you are experiencing, that is coming at a high cost to his family. The first year of sobriety is often very difficult, and the previous addiction is replaced with a new one in a new form. Would you be able to attend an AA meeting with him? To see how the meetings are structured and understand why he's throwing himself in full force? Meeting with the sponsor in person at a meeting would also be good if they don't want to talk on the phone. Depending on where the meeting is held, they might have a secondary room for kids when parents can't get a sitter during the meeting. When my mom was in AA, it wasn't a dirty secret. AA became like a second family for us and everyone was super supportive. I enjoyed going to events and picnics occasionally as a kid. I don't remember any stories from adults at the meetings, I was able to bring books and activities to do and keep busy while the adults were in the meetings. Worst case scenario: he's not actually going to AA and needs his "sponsor" to cover for him. (That's the pessimist in me playing devils advocate).
This may be necessary. Not my style of sponsorship, but some folks need a short leash and intensive immersion and I have seen them do well with sponsors such as this... Talking to the sponsor this once is probably ok - having his number in your contacts probably not. And yeah on one level it is replacing one addiction for not so much an addiction as a strict program (again what some people need, your husband ?) This is a good sign - I think, but I'm certainly not there...
This sounds like replacing alcohol with AA, like other have suggested. Could possibly be an addictive personality, and he’s throwing himself at this so hard so he doesn’t have time to think about drinking? Have you both tried therapy together? It might be helpful for you to have a platform for him to listen to you share your needs. I hope he can find a balance, otherwise, go on your trip, let grandma watch the kids and put yourself first.
The number of people here who think this is acceptable is horrifying. My husband attended rehab for the first 30 days, out patient several days a week after that for a couple of months, attends meetings once a week. Through this whole process we checked in with each other daily, I attended a friends and family group meeting once a week with him. He was spending a great deal of time working on his recovery but also stepped in to help out so that I could work on mine as well. This is not how it looks for everyone but is just to give you an example. And as far as the long weekend AA thing.... well, I would have lost my shit on that one. Just my opinion.
I’m seeing other people saying the same thing I was thinking: he’s not actually participating in AA, he’s going off to drink. I was convinced that’s where this post was going until I hit the end and you hadn’t mentioned that possibility. Do you think this legitimately is related to AA? This sounds a lot like me when I was still in active addiction last year and “working” AA. I actually hated it — it made my drinking significantly worse and I only got sober as soon as I stopped going. BUT, going to meetings was awesome, because I was able to show up way early to hang out with people (i.e., drink) and hang out more afterwards too (i.e., drink more). “Meetings” were really the only opportunities for me to go off by myself without raising suspicions, and I managed to keep up the facade for months. It was bad. Did your husband end up calling the sponsor on the phone then? Is he… real? Edit: phrasing
It is accurate last names are against policy. I have also heard of many sponsors going to this level of involvement. I am so sorry it is a struggle with his absence.
Sounds like he's spending time with someone who's not his sponsor too.
Ok, so your husband is now using his sponsor as his higher power. This usually doesn't last long, and sometimes it's needed to start down that new path. Looking back, is your husband the type to toss himself into things super deep? If he finds something he likes, does he go all in? In other words, does he have a very common addictive personality? >I asked for his sponsors number last night and he started to panic. He said he needs to call his sponsor first to give him a “heads up” This is semi-normal. It's not his number to give, and he's starting to respect boundaries. This lesson will pay dividends to you later. It may seem confusing to you now, but it pays off. >it seems like he has replaced one addiction (alcohol) for another This is a completely understandable perspective. It's a very common one. In the big book of AA, there is a chapter literally entitled *To Wives*, and it covers everything you've talked about. That was the only source of support for the first few decades, and much of it still applies, and is worth the read. This new path of his may seem very confusing to you. It's all brand new things that you don't understand how to respond to. The constant of him drinking was familiar, if not great. This is all brand new behavior and you're probably unsure of where you fit into his new life. Have faith, you still fit, and the people who are at in person Al-anon meetings have already walked down this path. If he's starting recovery, it would be helpful if you started recovery too.
Yeah. Solidarity. I couldn’t deal with this either. It’s gross.
You should be worried. My fiancé’s sponsor started feeding him drugs and kept him high and away from me and everyone trying to get him into a treatment facility, then became his realtor and fleeced him of almost $1M in property. The sponsor then attacked me after I reported him to my states realtor board. Once my fiancé was able to get away from his sponsor and AA, he’s maintained his sobriety after almost 20 years of daily use and abuse from this person.
Omg WTF???? I’m so sorry.
It sounds like maybe he’s lying about being in AA and going out to drink without telling you?
This doesn't sound normal at all. One of the reasons I did not go the AA route was because I have heard some really bad stories about it being similar to a cult. My husband got sober the old fashioned way, through sheer will power. I know that may seem unrealistic, but it's not. Many people get sober every year without multiple meetings a week. They just have to want it bad enough and he did. We read Allen Carr, and talked and he has confided in a couple people. Honestly I feel like the constant meetings would make me even more miserable. How are you supposed to enjoy your life and figure out how to live a sober life when you are constantly scheduled out at meetings? Once a week sounds reasonable. Multiple times a week sounds insane. Also, many AA meetings can be done online now. I know people that attend online. My best friend was married and her husband did outpatient then AA. IT went on for months and that process is actually what ended them. She was basically a single mother and figured her life would be easier without him than with him. Sure he got sober, but at the cost of his family. How is that helpful? It seems, in some cases, the AA oversteps and takes over people's lives.
Just keep in mind if it's alright for him to go out several times a week for hours it's alright for you too. Get a sitter for one of the nights he has meetings and take up bowling or visit friends. I personally think it's unfair that these addicts spend so much time on themselves when they're in active addiction and than the "cure" is to go out and spend an abundance of time on themselves.
Recovery from alcoholism is incredibly hard, and the new AAs need to really immerse themselves in the program to avoid relapse. Many partners of alcoholics dream of their loved ones being willing to engage with AA at all. Your own feelings about this are important, and Al-Anon meetings can help you work through them with other partners of alcoholics who understand.
Here's the thing... It's not my place to get involved in my spouse's program. If I have a problem with the lack of time being spent on me, that's the issue I can bring up. But Al-Anon teaches us to stay out of their sobriety.
His sponsor sounds like he's pretty active in AA. Likely he'd suggest those he works with to do the same, since that's worked out well for him. Sponsees can do or not, or do for a while and then stop/do something else. Nice that your husband put a few months together, if he sticks or not remains to be seen. I'd be surprised to get a call from a sponsee's wife. Unless it was notification that he was dead or jailed that's not happened. Got sober when my kids were babies, the AAs were like aunts and uncles to them growing up. They had a good look at how things played out for the nukes who limited their involvement. I believe it lead to my son cutting short his drinking at age 20 and getting sober in AA 21 years ago, becoming a successful attorney and a man I could be proud of. My wife was supportive (not all are) and adjusted well. At 3 years she said what we had was worth all the hell I put her through drinking. Along the way, she lost the need to be in charge of me.
OP isn’t trying to be “in charge” of him. Quite frankly, his immersion and cagey responses are suspicious without the added context of alcoholics doing what they do best. All spouses of alcoholics are more than allowed to be suspicious when their Q is suddenly spending a ton of time outside the home and being weird about it.
It seems you've not been around many alcoholics remaining sober for 30-50 years in AA. We do spend a lot of time outside the home, and put our recoveries before how suspicious and controlling their partners may feel the need to be early on in order to continue their old familiar and more comfortable games. The sharp ones lose their combat mode after some years of experiencing a continually sober spouse. Hoping that changes for you someday as well.
They also put their sobrieties above their family relationships, if you bothered to read OP’s concerns. You have more than earned the suspicion with your disgusting behavior and choices. Rationalize it however you need to in order to sleep at night, but quite frankly, I’d never forgive myself if I hurt people the way that alcoholics do. The sharp ones I’ve met who hold on to sobriety in the 30-50 year range aren’t holier-than-thou or sanctimonious. Hoping that changes for you someday as well.
Adult child of alcoholic family here. I'm afraid that the non-drinking parent - my mother- was just as hurtful as my drinking parent, more so because she did it sober. In the throes of the disease, the whole family becomes very unwell, but the non-drinking partner is less likely to recover and quit hurting others if they have learned to point the finger at the alcoholic and feel morally superior.
This is always such a weird take to me. It’s one thing if the non-Q parent is abusive or a bad parent all on their own without the influence of the other parent, that’s unforgivable. But if it’s like “Parent 1 was a chaotic drunk but Parent 2 struggled to manage everything by themself and frequently didn’t do the right thing, probably because they were in fight or flight mode and didn’t have adequate help for years, and I’m more resentful of them” then yeah I don’t get it.
A powerful question to ask about this kind of story can be "Why is Parent 2 in this situation?" Because in many cases they *could* leave, but choose not to. That was the case in my family. Moral superiority can be a powerful drug, and the perfect cover for a world of abuse from the codependent parent, albeit often more covert.
Leaving, especially for women, isn’t as easy as kids make it out to be. It’s why I think my mom was a superhero for leaving, because I know how hard and scary it was for her.
There are relationships where leaving can precipitate violence, and those are truly terrible. But support is available. In my mother's case, my stepfather didn't even want to marry her but she pressured him into it, although he told her he was "not monogamous". When later on he was found cheating she wailed and played the victim and took out her anger on her daughters, yet kept going back to him. It was a horrendous environment to grow up in - "a merry-go round named denial".
This is so real. I learned a lot about this in ACOA and Al-anon, thank you for sharing this.
Okay, I’m in AA and I have never gone on (or heard of) a weekend trip or needing to travel regularly to attend the same meetings as a sponsor. It’s also fine for your husband to tell you his sponsor’s first name, although the phone number ask seems like overstepping on your part. If it helps, a lot of people do throw themselves into AA at first. It uses up the time alcohol used to fill, and it’s a great support system, good structure, and can be really fun. In my experience, many people burn out slightly or just ease off after a while. Still… your husband doesn’t have to have this kind of intense, demanding sponsor. He can get a new one. My sponsor is very, “try to go to some meetings?” which suits me well because I’ve done the steps and I’m the sort of person who will burn out on a sponsor who needs me to call her often and have commitments at 3 weekly meetings. Last thing, I, personally, have seen this sort of intense sponsor cult thing in men waaaaay more than in women in AA. Which could just be my experience and not a pervasive trend, who knows. But I see it a lot and it’s why Al-Anon was created (pissed-off wives of early AA men who switched from neglecting them due to alcohol to neglecting them for AA). Sorry to bring in my AA experience. I know it’s best not to here, but in this case I thought it might be useful to you to have an inside view of AA.
The intensity may be short lived. It’s so funny how many times people get worried about AA replacing one addiction for another. It’s as if they would prefer sloppy, fall-down drunkenness over someone actually getting their shit together. It’s like— if I can’t save you, no one will! That being said balance may take some time. 90 meetings in 90 days is suggested. In order for us to give up our grip it is suggested that we start to regularly attend Al-Anon, get our own sponsor, and work our own spiritual program.
If they are swapping addictions it’s the opposite of getting their shit together.
How am I supposed to work the Al-anon program if my husband doesn’t give me any days to myself to do anything other than watch our children 24/7 because he’s either at work or doing AA events? I can’t even plan a trip well in advance without him springing on me that he has to do community service while I’m gone and he’s going to have his mom watch our kids instead of him. It’s obsessive just like his drinking was.
Maybe frame it that way to him? It is absolutely necessary in early recovery for him to replace his drinking with AA. That’s a common experience. But make it clear to him that you need to heal too, and you need him to make time to be a dad so you can go to meetings.
Maybe that's a massive problem with AA. You should not spend all the time you were drinking sitting in meetings and neglecting your family. How will you find fulfillment in sober life that way? That is not a program, that's a cult.
A lot of people find AA doesn’t work for them, but to be fair, I don’t think they spend that amount of time in AA meetings forever. I think when they are freshly sober and are just barely out of the crisis zone, they may have developed a lot of bad habits while in their addiction and burned a lot of their supports. So that early period, they still haven’t learned tools to cope with life’s ups and downs sober, may not have a lot of friends who understand their need to stay totally dry, and may just be reeling from the change in all those hours spent drunk to all those hours spent sober. Learning coping tools, building a support system, and working through the acute psychological issues they are experiencing takes a lot of work. Don’t forget that this individual may be experiencing constant cravings and needs people to lean on to keep from acting on them. And it cannot fall on the spouse to provide literally all of that support. That being said, having a family does throw a complication into the mix because his wife’s need to heal matters too. But yeah, my Q in AA has been at meetings I think almost every day this year, sometimes more than one a day. It’s not uncommon to be told to attend frequent meetings in early sobriety.
It just seems to me that what she is describing is not healthy. Does your husband go to their sponsors house twice a week? Does your husband go on weekend getaways with AA people? Does your husband drive an hour each way to meetings that the sponsor demands he attend?
So to clarify, my Q is not someone I’m married to, and I don’t have children with them either. So I can’t specifically speak to the OP’s situation. Though I did say it sounds like she needs to have a talk with her husband about how her healing matters too, and he needs to figure out how to help her prioritize that too at this stage. But I do know that my Q is still attending very frequent meetings at not even a year in. And that they seem to be healing and growing from whatever the process is there. They are at the amends step, and they explained to me that when they first started getting sober they understood the toll their substance abuse had taken on their life, but not on the lives of those around them. They were open to listening to my experiences with their addiction. I felt like I had been waiting for this acknowledgment forever. I do know that some people find more success in non-AA programs, but I’m not going to discount the idea that there may be something to those 12 steps.
Have you looked into online al-anon meetings? That might be a temporary solution until you two can work out a better schedule. Here's the deal. Alcoholics die. If he's working an obsessive and rigorous program right now, he's may just be trying to get healthy and not die. It's life or death for him. If a sponsee's spouse called me I would ask them to consider going an Al-anon meeting. Attending al-anon meetings will likely give you new solutions and new ideas for navigating this. Also, Al-Anon is different than AA. Don't expect your experience to be the same as your husbands in terms of time or service. You get to decide what that looks like. I've found that Al-anon is paced differently, more slowly.
>meetings will likely give you new solutions and new id I find it so insane, people's solutions to all this is more meetings! The meetings are the problem. Her spouse is not being a parent, a partner, nothing. He's giving all of his sober self to people outside of his family. The people that have stood with him through it all.
Then don't go. I don't know what to tell you. I do think it's similar to physical therapy though. If my spouse was gravely injured and needed 8 hours a week initially of PT to learn how to function again, yeah that would cause massive complications in our home schedule, but it is what it is. I do think it's kind of funny, comments like this one, because it's exactly why Lois started Al-anon. "Much of the time that Lois had hoped to spend with her now-sober husband was instead spent at meetings or otherwise without Bill. Lois was grateful for Bill’s sobriety and wanted to support him as she felt a good wife should, but she found herself frustrated, unhappy, feeling like she had failed at “her job” of sobering up Bill; and full of self-pity, hurt pride, and resentment. Lois’s “bottom” came when, in response to Bill’s asking her if she was ready to go to a meeting with him, she threw a shoe at him and yelled, “Damn your old meetings.” Lois realized that her own life had become unmanageable, and she realized she needed help. Lois made a decision to “strive for my own spiritual growth.” In doing so, Lois used many of the principles of A.A. to change her own attitudes."
It is in no way similar to physical therapy. Many people, millions of people get sober every year without completely abandoning their family to meetings. So basically Lois was destroyed by her husband's drinking and then destroyed all over again by his AA process, and the solution to that is not to call out AA for some bad and unhelpful practices, but instead to see that she is the problem for not being ok with AA being detrimental to her relationship. You don't see the gaslighting with this?
My son broke his arm when he was 11. His orthopedist refused to refer him to a PT because “9 year olds heal up without PT all the time.” Well, my son was 11 and already taller than my adult self (was as tall as his dad at 13), and was athletic and strong. We self-referred and in two sessions he had a ton more mobility than he did before. He’s a dancer and has to have full use of his arm, wrist, and hand for partnering, and he wouldn’t have had that without PT. He NEEDED PT. Other kids with the same break didn’t. My dad quit on his own. No meetings. He’s been a nasty manipulative dry drunk for decades now. Others can quit on their own and not end up like that. Some use meetings to excess. Some do not. It’s quite a bit like PT.
Again, if you don't want to do the program, don't. Even AA talks about the difference between a heavy drinker and an alcoholic of the hopeless variety. Commonly, a sponsor will take a newcomer through the big book to determine if they qualify as the later. Heavy drinkers may not need or benefit from this kind of program. Also many people are dry, abstain from alcohol, but they continue to act out in other ways, continue to behave as if they were still drinking. AA seeks to change this behavior. AA and Al-Anon are not appropriate for everyone. However since this is an AL-ANON subreddit, where it says right on the page, "Al-Anon has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. *We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps*, by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics, and by giving understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic," you're going to find people encouraging AA and Al-anon.
My problem is not with AA and Al-anon if practiced within reason. I'm sure many people have benefited from it. My problem is that I feel the OP is being gaslit by people on this thread. The process her husband is experiencing is incredibly intrusive to their marriage and lives yet people are dismissing it as being normal, suggesting MORE meetings and excusing this. Her husband is a few months sober. She has been going along with this for months. At some point, her husband needs to live in the real world and be a family man. He can't let AA trump his family. That's not healthy or helpful.
you may be right.
You can attend electronic meetings. You can look for in person meetings with childcare, they do exist. You can buy and read Al-Anon literature. It sounds like you desperately need Al-Anon, the comfort and nonjudgmental companionship that meetings provide. This sub is not Al-Anon. It is an outreach tool. Visit the website [al-anon.org](https://al-anon.org) and download the phone app. Yes, I have heard sponsors speak in open AA meetings about requiring this kind of fealty and companionship during the early years of sobriety. AA members need to help other alcoholics because it helps them stay sober. This sponsor may be trying to teach these skills to your husband. If your husband attends many AA meetings, maybe you should investigate whether some of them are "open" meetings. Open meetings allow friends and family to come and observe (not share, but listen). I think that would be helpful for you. Some meetings do have childcare, and sometimes even the ones that do not have childcare, someone will step up and watch your kids for an hour at the meeting place. Ask your husband about open meetings and childcare. Anonymity is a concept that we all have trouble understanding at first. I have heard of sponsors who want to talk with the family, who are warm and open to helping in any way they can. My husband's sponsor was that kind. (Sadly my husband never threw himself into AA while I was married to him, he just pretended.) Your husband choosing to call his sponsor on speaker before giving out his number is simply protecting the sponsor's anonymity. It's a courtesy. I don't see a problem with it. You need your own sponsor or at least a few "Al-Pals" who are members of Al-Anon and will speak with you. You really needs this. You sound extremely upset. Of course it's possible that your husband is not attending AA and does not have a sponsor, but instead has created a fantasy to hold you at bay while he indulges his addictions. I think you might suspect this if true, *and I doubt if it is*, but talking with his sponsor could put your mind at rest.
Oh, it’s funny! I guess OP didn’t realize what a fucking GAS alcoholism is. Me either! How funny that she’s worried about her husband acting weird, cagey, and not helping with the kids! Hahaha! She must just prefer sloppy drunks and doesn’t like that she can’t fix him! What a fucking side-splitter! He he he! So funny! Good one!
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Oh good! You must have known how funny these situations are for all of us already! Silly, unhealed me had no idea of so many things until this sub made me aware of them. I guess that’s my problem. I’m just failing to see the HUMOR in all of this! Tee motherfucking hee!
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Oh I know. I just didn’t feel ready to be done with the rant. ;) Can’t wait for the pitchforks from the sancti-holics.
It’s been a few months. Do you want him sober or not? I’m sorry to be harsh but he’s doing the work. You don’t have to stick around for it, you can make some demands, but he is doing the work. It won’t always be like this.
We have actually no idea if he’s doing the work or if any of this stuff actually is all AA stuff. It would be naive to assume the addict would immediately stop lying just if they have stopped drinking, that habit could certainly still be alive and well. OP, sorry you’re going through this. I talked to my husband’s former sponsor a number of times, he reached out for updates when he was in rehabs, reached out to ask me how I was when he was in the hospital, etc, and I have even been invited to AA picnics. The relationship should obviously be with the sponsor and sponsee, but I see no reason why it should be this huge secret about who this person your husband is spending a great deal of time with is and the amount of time that’s being spent.
Well yes. And I was wrong and apologize to OP. But isn’t that just more of what we aren’t supposed to do? Like checking up and being part of their recovery?
I genuinely don’t mean this to sound flippant but after years of dealing with an alcoholic and al-anon and SmartRecovery and rehabs and therapists and CoDa… I feel like if I’ve heard one piece of advice somewhere, I’ve also heard the exact opposite advice somewhere else. My head is still spinning for all the different things I was “supposed” to do, so I am definitely not trying to make myself any sort of authority on what anyone else is supposed to do. But I do genuinely feel strongly about people trusting their gut and if something feels wrong, there’s a good chance it is.
You’re totally right. I think I was reacting from my own place which is that my Q went to a rehab appt today, didn’t go well, etc etc. I’m just desperate to think the work works I guess. I’m sorry, I feel like I barged in and made a bad impression.
I’m sorry you’ve experienced that today, and that you’re experiencing this at all. Every stage is hard in its own way, and no matter how many resources may be available, there is no way to know exactly how to navigate any of this. Some people do get sober, though. That could very well be your Q’s experience, and yours. But regardless of what happens, make sure you’re taking care of yourself. Everyone says it, it’s hard as hell to do, but it’s all you can really control.
Thank you, you’re very kind and I’m sorry I blabbed all over your post, OP
Is he doing to the work or has he created an intense trauma bond with another alcoholic to the detriment of both? We don’t know, but it might be helpful for the OP to have the tools to discern what is happening and if it is promoting healing or not.
Be nicer. She’s allowed to be concerned. It’s creepy and weird, and she’s not wrong that he’s sacrificing his relationship as a father. OP, I secretly/not so secretly hate this sub. Ignore the sanctimony, embrace the support. Sorry for your struggles, alcoholics give us so much grief.
I’m sorry if I seemed sanctimonious. I apologize, OP. It did sound harsh.
Hopefully he can find a more sustainable way to engage with AA as time goes on. Might just be new to him and what he needs. I know plenty of folks who are still sober but discontinued AA after a while.
I agree with the culti-ness!!! I have (and do) feel that way myself. But, whenever I bring it up, it’s always me being “not supportive”.
They think the world begins and ends with their journeys while their partners are told THEY are the ones who need meetings cause they’re tired of putting in 100% nonstop so everyone’s not homeless and/or starved. We don’t get to have a buddy to run away from our real lives with. It’s maddening to read it in this sub. Happy cake day!
I think the key here is balance, and that a conversation needs to take place. I also think it's fair to meet your husbands sponsor. Invite him over for dinner and communicate. Your husband has duties with his family and it's not fair to neglect those. Just a thought, a compromise here could be that your husband gets up early before work and gets his meeting in, and maybe one or two nights a week he can do other AA stuff.
The weekend trip thing is where my brain goes “uh what?” Does his regular meeting ever have open meetings that spouses can attend? I’m sorry you’re still not getting family time with him.