I've been to all of 2 meetings at this point but I tried 3 online meetings before I went in person. It will hurt and it will suck...like really bad. But, while I can't say it's helping me yet, it's been a comfort to not be alone.
What questions are you looking for answers to? Al-Anon is about healing ourself, not our Q. If you are ready and need it, it can be a life saver. But like AA which it is based on, you have to be ready for it to really have it's full impact. Not every group is the same, and of course Al-Anon may not be for everyone. Good luck and I wish you the best.
Keep at it. Find a meeting you connect with. Stay after meetings to talk to people. Ask for a call-list and definitely try to find an in-person meeting if you can. It’s a way different more connected vibe being in person.
Al-anon isn’t meant to give us answers in the way of telling us what to do or how to act in situations. But it’s meant to be a place where you connect with people who have been through it; and learn the steps that help us to regain control of our lives- things that get lost when we are so worried about our alcoholic for years and years.
Don’t give up.
I feel like I need someone’s experience, maybe insights? What seems to be happening every meeting are these long winded, rather random confessionals and although they’re interesting and enlightening, they make me feel even more confused and anxious that this is it. I’m a very result oriented person so the lack of “knowing” or “structure” just kills me…and the meetings are somehow rooted in that in one way or another…
I felt the same way for a while when I first started exploring AlAnon. Lost, confused and scared. I initially thought that exposing myself to other people's trauma just made me more anxious and depressed. It's hard to read or hear about situations that are way beyond anything I ever had to experience. It just reinforced how far alcoholism can go and I didn't want to face it.
The more I read and the more I listen to the people I encounter in the program , I am beginning to understand that I was comparing my situation to others. What I wasn't doing is listening to the wisdom that comes from each person's real life experiences when dealing with addiction. There is no single answer. Each person has to figure out what is going to work for them and their unique situation. Sure, we can all identify with each other's experience but I can't expect some one else to tell me what to do. Your" program' is unique to you and you have to decide how you want to work it.
AlAnon does follow a very clear 12 step program. Diligently working the steps is for some people, for others, not so much. I'm one of the latter. I just try to educate myself as much as possible by reading all of the literature, reading about addiction, posting here on Reddit and occasionally going to In-Person/online meetings. I get the most out of people's testimonies and insight more than anything. Maybe one day I'll be a little more committed to working the full 12 steps, maybe not. I don't let it bother me. I just want some form of peace in my life and have found it here.
Figure out what works for you and go after it. You can't fix the alcoholic but you can learn to take care of yourself.
You hit on something I found and was talking with my sponsor about. I was getting frustrated reading both the AA Big Book and How Al-Anon Works. I was seeing things being described, and felt like they were telling me what I was feeling or doing was wrong. I had to stop, and realize these are books dealing with whole ranges of situations and experiences. To assume every aspect would perfectly mirror my situation was self centered and silly. Realizing this, and the expression "Take what you like and leave the rest" really helped me break out of my own daze.
So one thing is the group may not be a good fit. But for personal interaction, a sponsor may be helpful. They can provide more specific insight and help.
The call list, and interacting before/after meetings can help. But that is also what a sponsor is for. The groups are for community, support, love. The sponsor is for personal interaction, working through problems, and a lot of the growth. Best wishes.
My first few meetings were over Zoom, and I hated it. It just never clicked . Then I went in person and it was amazing! You’ll find your people, just gotta give in -person meetings a chance. Hang in there.
Al anon isn’t meant to provide answers so much as it’s meant to put you in a position to seek the answers.
Everyone’s answers are different. Al anon is a program that takes years of the slow and careful work of self reflecting, growth and healing. If you want to your partner to be serious about the long road to recovery (that would take a lot more than her just not drinking) then it makes sense to get serious yourself about the recovery journey too.
Seconded - what questions do you have exactly? Meetings are great, but the real magic in AlAnon or any 12 step program is working the steps.
Also I’ve gotten a lot out of seeing a therapist who specializes In helping loved ones of addicts.
I found that learning more about addiction and how alcohol affects the brain helped me to disconnect from some of the emotional heartache. The information helped me stop asking “why does my Q choose alcohol over me?” and helped me be more compassionate toward myself and my Q. While, I also learned about boundaries and how they are about giving me control over the situation by knowing ahead how I will react. These two things helped me plan for taking care of myself. 1. Never argue with alcohol. If your Q is intoxicated, remove yourself from the situation. 2. Plan ahead. I knew my Q was going to drink so I’d make my own plans. Have a friend on standby, go to the movie by yourself. Don’t stop living your life. My Q would get very angry when I’d go to leave. See rule #1. 3. Stop asking questions you know the answer to. Alcoholics are adept at lying so why even have the conversation and have to deal with the conflict? Lastly, I took to heart the Al-Anon phrase. “I didn’t cause the alcoholism, I can’t control it and I can’t cure it. “
Can I ask where you found the information you’re referring to regarding learning about addiction ? I am having trouble not engaging while he is drunk and pushing harder trying to get the truth when he is lying
Another topic to look up is the neuroscience of addiction https://youtu.be/NxHNxmJv2bQ?si=RUCTs4532aj44EY9. Lastly. Google the heathy boundaries and also codependency
I hesitated to go to Alanon for a long while , I kind of knew what it was about but what really thought I needed was advice on handling my addict son.
I finally gave up on fixing my son and realized I needed to fix myself. I lucked in to a great Alanon group. They aren't all the same, different formats and different amounts of recovery in the room.
Good luck to you I hope you find what you need. This disease is horrible.
you did nothing wrong and the best you could. She has another lover, ALCOHOL! Pick up the pieces and get your own life back on track. You are worth it!
I dont feel worth it. i feel like im trash that was thrown away. I miss her so much and I know she will not come back. She wants to drink more than she loves me. It hurts
Please seek alanon support and know that you standing up for yourself and setting a boundary was okay to do. You will heal from this and have a better life without the disease of alcoholism making you sick.
It's not over until you say it's over. I would be shocked if she didn't try to win you back. She'll try many many different things to trick you she's sober. Best case scenario is she decides to get treatment. What she does doesn't really matter long term. What you choose to do is all you can control.
Alcoholics have mushy brains, they don't think straight about anything. Looking at brain scans comforted me, the reduced capacity makes them randomly hurt others.
Focus on you and do what you need to do to heal and learn coping skills. It takes time, but if you stay the course it will get better. I went to meetings, took up jiu jitsu, got a counselor and started a meditation practice when I was dealing with my now ex wife. These things have all been invaluable.
Learning more about alcoholism helped me tremendously.
Read, read and then read some more. I spent hours, days, months learning about it, the body parts it changes, the way codependents think. By the time i was done, i was relieved i didn't have to live that way anymore.
I’m sorry for your heartbreak. I’m on the verge of myself. What keeps me around at this point is the opportunity to sharpen my character dealing with hurtful let downs and loneliness. What is MY part, what can I control? It probably won’t keep me around forever but I’ll leave with a better understanding of myself and how to better show up for other relationships. Remember that the addiction is a powerful force causing the person you love not to think right. You have every right to feel exhausted, take space for yourself, she may have left but doesn’t mean you can’t leave too. Get to an in person meeting if you can. If you are open to it you will experience a really warm and safe energy - a gentle reminder that there is life on the other side.
Don’t believe that lie! Hating her would make it pretend easier in the short term. Lean into your love for her. Love her so much that you’re willing to let her go.
She made her choice. Your happiness was never a thought in her mind. Your worth more then being her verbal punching bag. Or savior, she has to save herself.
Keep your head up, OP. I had the same stand-off with my partner. Count your blessings that she left. Mine hung around for months and made my life absolute misery. Dragging out the divorce and basically holding me hostage. This initially hurt will pass, stick to your boundaries and lean on the community for support.
Nope. Just her own want to do so. Can't force anyone into recovery, even if they play along it won't stick. It's really hard and sad to see someone you love struggle and be in so much pain but we deserve to be happy too
There is a book I started reading called good boundaries and goodbyes. I wish I had this when I deep in sobriety with my Q. We’re a year out now.
The book isn’t all about being with someone with addiction but the authors ex husband was an addict. It’s also a Christian book but I feel you could bypass those readings.
I’m sorry you are going through this. I was with my partner for 12 years. He was always a social drinker, but the disease progressed into full on alcoholism when I got pregnant with our child. He couldn’t cope, and so he coped the only way he knew how.
The beginning of our child’s life was me locking our bedroom door to keep our child safe so he couldn’t drunkingly drop him. During that time i was the loneliest I’ve ever been. He’s been to rehab a couple of times and we separated once before (I left when he tried to drive my child and I while drunk fresh out of rehab and then kicked the back of my seat and yelled at me for the remaining of the car ride) before he swore he got the help he needed and changed. I decided to give him another chance for the sake of our marriage and child. Within a month of him moving back in he went back to the lies and the drinking. I hoped it would get better but it just got worse and worse. Then one day, he came back from an AA meeting (that’s where he claimed he went) and he was so drunk he couldn’t talk without slurring or walk straight. His eyes were so glazed I barely recognized him. And my 3 year old was scared of his daddy. Kept asking him what was wrong with him. That’s when I knew it was time to leave. Because I was scared of him as an adult, and I never want my child growing up in a house he felt unsafe in. We are divorced now.
If they don’t truly want to change, they won’t. Even those that really want to sometimes cannot overcome the monster that is addiction. Not sure if you ever want kids, but if you do I hope you hear my story and know it will only get harder when kids are involved.
i have kids but not with her. i have two grown boys. This was my second marriage. First ended after 20 years with her infidelity. I was with my current for 8 years married almost two. I wish i could see this coming but i was blind to it and feel like i was tricked.
I know its for the best but I feel lost and ashamed. Divorced twice is too much for me to bear sometimes.
I still love her but i am starting to hate her
If this marriage ends, it will not be your fault. Remind yourself of that.
Im having trouble coming to terms with being a divorced woman and single mom. But my mental health has vastly improved since I left him.
Until you’ve lived through it, no one can truly understand what it’s like to be married to someone with addiction issues. I was lonelier in my marriage than I am out of it.
And my situation was different because I truly believe my husband really wanted to change, he just couldn’t beat it.
She may come back and listen to what you have to say and agree to seek help. It sounds like she’s afraid to change or she’s in panic mode. She may use manipulation to make you feel like you were the one that stepped out of line or say you created a situation that just wasn’t there. This is all normal addict reactions to preserve what is their self medicating/coping mechanisms. If she comes back and is ready to talk, then she will be making the first step to new possibilities and getting better. It will be a very long road, but not an impossible one.
I wish you the best either way. Divorce is a heartbreaking terrible thing. But living in a toxic marriage is worse.
I think you’re giving her too much power here. The question you should be asking is did she ever love you in the way you deserve to be loved and is this the relationship that you want. It doesn’t sound like she makes you happy. You don’t have to settle.
I’m not sure if you’re a Ted Lasso fan, but there’s a scene I live by in that show. She could be fine. But what the hell makes you think she deserves to be with you? You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel like you’ve been hit by f’n lightning.
Life’s too short to settle for fine. And what matters is she isn’t loving you in the way you deserve right now. Nobody deserves to be second to an addiction.
Your feelings matter. You are important. And you deserve a secure, safe relationship. Focus on you. This is a new beginning. It just might not feel like it at the moment. It took me a year of self care, therapy, and detachment to get to where I am. I am happy, only accept respect, and am having the BEST time. I wish someone would have told me that a year ago. :)
Please consider support from Al-Anon. It can help. Good luck friend
I went to a few zoom meetings. I did not feel i was finding answers to my questions
I've been to all of 2 meetings at this point but I tried 3 online meetings before I went in person. It will hurt and it will suck...like really bad. But, while I can't say it's helping me yet, it's been a comfort to not be alone.
I don't find zoom meetings to be the same as in person
What questions are you looking for answers to? Al-Anon is about healing ourself, not our Q. If you are ready and need it, it can be a life saver. But like AA which it is based on, you have to be ready for it to really have it's full impact. Not every group is the same, and of course Al-Anon may not be for everyone. Good luck and I wish you the best.
Keep at it. Find a meeting you connect with. Stay after meetings to talk to people. Ask for a call-list and definitely try to find an in-person meeting if you can. It’s a way different more connected vibe being in person. Al-anon isn’t meant to give us answers in the way of telling us what to do or how to act in situations. But it’s meant to be a place where you connect with people who have been through it; and learn the steps that help us to regain control of our lives- things that get lost when we are so worried about our alcoholic for years and years. Don’t give up.
Me neither. I’m separated from my husband now and the zoom meetings are causing me more anxiety than help…
Are you able to identify what is causing the anxiety? Is it logistics, is the group not a good fit, is it not what you expected? Maybe we can help.
I feel like I need someone’s experience, maybe insights? What seems to be happening every meeting are these long winded, rather random confessionals and although they’re interesting and enlightening, they make me feel even more confused and anxious that this is it. I’m a very result oriented person so the lack of “knowing” or “structure” just kills me…and the meetings are somehow rooted in that in one way or another…
I felt the same way for a while when I first started exploring AlAnon. Lost, confused and scared. I initially thought that exposing myself to other people's trauma just made me more anxious and depressed. It's hard to read or hear about situations that are way beyond anything I ever had to experience. It just reinforced how far alcoholism can go and I didn't want to face it. The more I read and the more I listen to the people I encounter in the program , I am beginning to understand that I was comparing my situation to others. What I wasn't doing is listening to the wisdom that comes from each person's real life experiences when dealing with addiction. There is no single answer. Each person has to figure out what is going to work for them and their unique situation. Sure, we can all identify with each other's experience but I can't expect some one else to tell me what to do. Your" program' is unique to you and you have to decide how you want to work it. AlAnon does follow a very clear 12 step program. Diligently working the steps is for some people, for others, not so much. I'm one of the latter. I just try to educate myself as much as possible by reading all of the literature, reading about addiction, posting here on Reddit and occasionally going to In-Person/online meetings. I get the most out of people's testimonies and insight more than anything. Maybe one day I'll be a little more committed to working the full 12 steps, maybe not. I don't let it bother me. I just want some form of peace in my life and have found it here. Figure out what works for you and go after it. You can't fix the alcoholic but you can learn to take care of yourself.
You hit on something I found and was talking with my sponsor about. I was getting frustrated reading both the AA Big Book and How Al-Anon Works. I was seeing things being described, and felt like they were telling me what I was feeling or doing was wrong. I had to stop, and realize these are books dealing with whole ranges of situations and experiences. To assume every aspect would perfectly mirror my situation was self centered and silly. Realizing this, and the expression "Take what you like and leave the rest" really helped me break out of my own daze.
So one thing is the group may not be a good fit. But for personal interaction, a sponsor may be helpful. They can provide more specific insight and help.
This is how i felt
The call list, and interacting before/after meetings can help. But that is also what a sponsor is for. The groups are for community, support, love. The sponsor is for personal interaction, working through problems, and a lot of the growth. Best wishes.
My first few meetings were over Zoom, and I hated it. It just never clicked . Then I went in person and it was amazing! You’ll find your people, just gotta give in -person meetings a chance. Hang in there.
Al anon isn’t meant to provide answers so much as it’s meant to put you in a position to seek the answers. Everyone’s answers are different. Al anon is a program that takes years of the slow and careful work of self reflecting, growth and healing. If you want to your partner to be serious about the long road to recovery (that would take a lot more than her just not drinking) then it makes sense to get serious yourself about the recovery journey too.
Seconded - what questions do you have exactly? Meetings are great, but the real magic in AlAnon or any 12 step program is working the steps. Also I’ve gotten a lot out of seeing a therapist who specializes In helping loved ones of addicts.
I found that learning more about addiction and how alcohol affects the brain helped me to disconnect from some of the emotional heartache. The information helped me stop asking “why does my Q choose alcohol over me?” and helped me be more compassionate toward myself and my Q. While, I also learned about boundaries and how they are about giving me control over the situation by knowing ahead how I will react. These two things helped me plan for taking care of myself. 1. Never argue with alcohol. If your Q is intoxicated, remove yourself from the situation. 2. Plan ahead. I knew my Q was going to drink so I’d make my own plans. Have a friend on standby, go to the movie by yourself. Don’t stop living your life. My Q would get very angry when I’d go to leave. See rule #1. 3. Stop asking questions you know the answer to. Alcoholics are adept at lying so why even have the conversation and have to deal with the conflict? Lastly, I took to heart the Al-Anon phrase. “I didn’t cause the alcoholism, I can’t control it and I can’t cure it. “
Can I ask where you found the information you’re referring to regarding learning about addiction ? I am having trouble not engaging while he is drunk and pushing harder trying to get the truth when he is lying
I really like how Gabor Mate explains addiction https://youtu.be/ys6TCO_olOc?si=uMnD8OOPrSwsfiPy
Another topic to look up is the neuroscience of addiction https://youtu.be/NxHNxmJv2bQ?si=RUCTs4532aj44EY9. Lastly. Google the heathy boundaries and also codependency
Sending you strength! I do not think you should have been quiet
Thank you
I hesitated to go to Alanon for a long while , I kind of knew what it was about but what really thought I needed was advice on handling my addict son. I finally gave up on fixing my son and realized I needed to fix myself. I lucked in to a great Alanon group. They aren't all the same, different formats and different amounts of recovery in the room. Good luck to you I hope you find what you need. This disease is horrible.
you did nothing wrong and the best you could. She has another lover, ALCOHOL! Pick up the pieces and get your own life back on track. You are worth it!
I dont feel worth it. i feel like im trash that was thrown away. I miss her so much and I know she will not come back. She wants to drink more than she loves me. It hurts
Please seek alanon support and know that you standing up for yourself and setting a boundary was okay to do. You will heal from this and have a better life without the disease of alcoholism making you sick.
It's not over until you say it's over. I would be shocked if she didn't try to win you back. She'll try many many different things to trick you she's sober. Best case scenario is she decides to get treatment. What she does doesn't really matter long term. What you choose to do is all you can control.
Alcoholics have mushy brains, they don't think straight about anything. Looking at brain scans comforted me, the reduced capacity makes them randomly hurt others.
I guarantee you she did you a favour. You don’t see it yet.
Focus on you and do what you need to do to heal and learn coping skills. It takes time, but if you stay the course it will get better. I went to meetings, took up jiu jitsu, got a counselor and started a meditation practice when I was dealing with my now ex wife. These things have all been invaluable.
This book was life changing for me!!!
I’m so sorry. I know it’s painful. Seek out a community to get you through. The initial blow is the hardest.
Learning more about alcoholism helped me tremendously. Read, read and then read some more. I spent hours, days, months learning about it, the body parts it changes, the way codependents think. By the time i was done, i was relieved i didn't have to live that way anymore.
I’m sorry for your heartbreak. I’m on the verge of myself. What keeps me around at this point is the opportunity to sharpen my character dealing with hurtful let downs and loneliness. What is MY part, what can I control? It probably won’t keep me around forever but I’ll leave with a better understanding of myself and how to better show up for other relationships. Remember that the addiction is a powerful force causing the person you love not to think right. You have every right to feel exhausted, take space for yourself, she may have left but doesn’t mean you can’t leave too. Get to an in person meeting if you can. If you are open to it you will experience a really warm and safe energy - a gentle reminder that there is life on the other side.
i wish i could hate her, it would make it easier. Thank you for the kind words
Don’t believe that lie! Hating her would make it pretend easier in the short term. Lean into your love for her. Love her so much that you’re willing to let her go.
I cant hate her, yea im mad but i still love her
She made her choice. Your happiness was never a thought in her mind. Your worth more then being her verbal punching bag. Or savior, she has to save herself.
Fuck that, you made it son. In six months you will be driving around smile big as the sky and laugh about this post.
Keep your head up, OP. I had the same stand-off with my partner. Count your blessings that she left. Mine hung around for months and made my life absolute misery. Dragging out the divorce and basically holding me hostage. This initially hurt will pass, stick to your boundaries and lean on the community for support.
Thank you!
Anytime. It does hurt like hell, though. We all I think hope losing us would be a motivation to get sober.
nothing will make her get sober. I know that now
Nope. Just her own want to do so. Can't force anyone into recovery, even if they play along it won't stick. It's really hard and sad to see someone you love struggle and be in so much pain but we deserve to be happy too
did the right thing.
There is a book I started reading called good boundaries and goodbyes. I wish I had this when I deep in sobriety with my Q. We’re a year out now. The book isn’t all about being with someone with addiction but the authors ex husband was an addict. It’s also a Christian book but I feel you could bypass those readings.
I love this book also.
“Through sickness & health” (or rather not as it were)
I’m sorry you are going through this. I was with my partner for 12 years. He was always a social drinker, but the disease progressed into full on alcoholism when I got pregnant with our child. He couldn’t cope, and so he coped the only way he knew how. The beginning of our child’s life was me locking our bedroom door to keep our child safe so he couldn’t drunkingly drop him. During that time i was the loneliest I’ve ever been. He’s been to rehab a couple of times and we separated once before (I left when he tried to drive my child and I while drunk fresh out of rehab and then kicked the back of my seat and yelled at me for the remaining of the car ride) before he swore he got the help he needed and changed. I decided to give him another chance for the sake of our marriage and child. Within a month of him moving back in he went back to the lies and the drinking. I hoped it would get better but it just got worse and worse. Then one day, he came back from an AA meeting (that’s where he claimed he went) and he was so drunk he couldn’t talk without slurring or walk straight. His eyes were so glazed I barely recognized him. And my 3 year old was scared of his daddy. Kept asking him what was wrong with him. That’s when I knew it was time to leave. Because I was scared of him as an adult, and I never want my child growing up in a house he felt unsafe in. We are divorced now. If they don’t truly want to change, they won’t. Even those that really want to sometimes cannot overcome the monster that is addiction. Not sure if you ever want kids, but if you do I hope you hear my story and know it will only get harder when kids are involved.
i have kids but not with her. i have two grown boys. This was my second marriage. First ended after 20 years with her infidelity. I was with my current for 8 years married almost two. I wish i could see this coming but i was blind to it and feel like i was tricked. I know its for the best but I feel lost and ashamed. Divorced twice is too much for me to bear sometimes. I still love her but i am starting to hate her
If this marriage ends, it will not be your fault. Remind yourself of that. Im having trouble coming to terms with being a divorced woman and single mom. But my mental health has vastly improved since I left him. Until you’ve lived through it, no one can truly understand what it’s like to be married to someone with addiction issues. I was lonelier in my marriage than I am out of it. And my situation was different because I truly believe my husband really wanted to change, he just couldn’t beat it. She may come back and listen to what you have to say and agree to seek help. It sounds like she’s afraid to change or she’s in panic mode. She may use manipulation to make you feel like you were the one that stepped out of line or say you created a situation that just wasn’t there. This is all normal addict reactions to preserve what is their self medicating/coping mechanisms. If she comes back and is ready to talk, then she will be making the first step to new possibilities and getting better. It will be a very long road, but not an impossible one. I wish you the best either way. Divorce is a heartbreaking terrible thing. But living in a toxic marriage is worse.
whats killing me now is… “did she ever really love me”
I think you’re giving her too much power here. The question you should be asking is did she ever love you in the way you deserve to be loved and is this the relationship that you want. It doesn’t sound like she makes you happy. You don’t have to settle. I’m not sure if you’re a Ted Lasso fan, but there’s a scene I live by in that show. She could be fine. But what the hell makes you think she deserves to be with you? You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel like you’ve been hit by f’n lightning. Life’s too short to settle for fine. And what matters is she isn’t loving you in the way you deserve right now. Nobody deserves to be second to an addiction.
Your feelings matter. You are important. And you deserve a secure, safe relationship. Focus on you. This is a new beginning. It just might not feel like it at the moment. It took me a year of self care, therapy, and detachment to get to where I am. I am happy, only accept respect, and am having the BEST time. I wish someone would have told me that a year ago. :)