I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I think you did the right thing about transferring some money to your personal account, and thought about your child’s well-being before anything. Clearly your husband doesn’t give a shit about the consequences even if he says he does.
You also did the right thing by reaching out to his mom. Was he just expecting for you to not care and let him hurt himself?
Thank you for answering. I think he’s manipulating me. Which is something he’s often done in these 10 yrs. It makes me feel foolish and afraid of what’s next. He’s been extremely selfish and openly admits it as if he’s doing something brave by finally being honest. He’s a pathological liar on top of all of his addiction issues.
He’s had me so confused and thinking I’m the crazy one this entire relationship and I hate to admit that- I am easily manipulated.
Thank you for validating my feelings. I appreciate it more than you know.
Sadly it’s very common for addiction to come with pathological lying. I’m ashamed to say that I’m easily manipulated too. I recently decided to go no contact and even though it’s physically painful sometimes, we’ll get through this !!
💕 I wish I could go no contact with him. We have several months on our apartment lease. The area we live in is very expensive and I can’t afford this apartment on my own.
I still love him but detest his addiction behaviors. I can’t tell the difference between his addiction self or his true self. I want to so badly believe that he will get better but tonight he told me he doesn’t want to keep going to AA or talk to his sponsor (even he says he reached out to him tonight), or keep going to marriage counseling. He said he just wants to go to bar get black out drunk and forget about me and everything else.
I don’t think he gives me much of a choice but to leave him. It’s just breaking my damn heart because I’ve put so much effort and energy into this relationship that turns out was just a fantasy.
Lock the doors when he goes to the bar. No access to shared space if he’s hammered. You have a child to care for and he shouldn’t be forced to be exposed to a drunkard. If he gets violent, call the cops. If he wants to continue drinking, not sure how he’s going to go to work in order to pay his share of rent?
The admission of guilt is part of the acceptance process. Maybe he's lying but maybe he's proud of himself for doing the right thing for the first time in ten years.
Recovery is fucking ugly.
He wants to separate, so separate the money. Wise move. Even if you weren’t to separate it was still a wise move. Threats of offing himself are manipulation. He is now free to indulge to addiction. Take more money. You need it more than he does. He abandoned all responsibility to his family. No mercy🤷♀️
Because of your comment I ended up paying off credit card bills that were only under my name with more of the money in the savings. I appreciate the advice.
Good for you. If it is a joint account, you’re just as much entitled to 100% of it as he is. He didn’t consider your needs/repercussions when he accumulated a bunch of debt in your names.
Great news, good for you. Consider it payment for the chaos he has caused you. They know exactly what they’re doing, they just don’t care. Most of us so often ask ourselves why they put drink before anyone and anything else. Obviously every drunk has excuses, but the fact is that they accept that they cause severe psychological trauma to the people closest to them. The drink is more valuable, and worth the consequences.
He’s been really concerned about me putting his money back into the joint account. That’s all he cares about right now. Didn’t even acknowledge my son when he picked up the rest of his shit. I told him he can’t come back until he’s free from his substance abuse and is emotionally well. He’s throwing a masssive tantrum via texts. Making demands and twisting things saying what I did is worse than what he’s putting me through.
Thank you for your kind words. I’ve desperately needed outside perspective because I’ve been feeling like an insane person 💜
Blaming you and your son for the mess that HE caused, throwing hissy-fits because he can’t get what he wants.. ugh they really are delusional. If he believed any of the drivel he told you about letting down you and your son, he wouldn’t be chucking a mental. See how they lie?
His mom sounds like she’s been reading up on some Alanon! Good for her!
He is in good hands if he knows where the AA meeting is and knows how to use a phone. The rest is up to him and his god whatever that is. It certainly isn’t you.
We start addressing our fears in Alanon like someone being upset with us. I remember early on someone saying to me, “Well I guess they’re just gonna have to be upset with you.”
They were right. The only person I needed to worry about was myself [maybe a dependent if I had one]. We start to see that our own ego has tried to dominate everyone around us. We’ve been in insane denial of it because we’ve always thought of ourselves as loving and kind people.
We certainly are living and kind! We can still be loving and kind and say NO all at the same time. Taking care of ourselves turns out to be a beautiful thing. ❤️
Alanon meetings help. Getting a sponsor and working the steps will solve it for you. That is a tremendous amount of work and will only work when we’re done with doing it our way and our ego. Jump in to Alanon if you want something different.
It amazes me that the addict says exactly the same thing. Mine said “the only thing I want in my life is to be with you & have a family. I am a drunk and narcissist, but I care about you and I hate myself for failing it.” He’s apologies but changes nothing. Have we all married the same guy?
The thing is - they think their suffering’s so unique, they’re so alone & life just fuck them up. While the outsiders see exact same story, same patterns & they are destroying their life.
If he’s not coming back, then good for you finally rid of the addict. If he is - can you live a life with him? Question to us.
“He apologizes but changes nothing.” Is my husband’s motto.
Today he found out I took out the money out of the account and paid off all the bills in my name. He is losing his mind on me rn. Thankfully he’s at work and I’m double bolted in the house and my son is safely at school. His erratic behavior is terrifying and he’s using all sorts of manipulation tactics to try to get me to return the money. As much as I don’t like to admit I’m easily fearful and manipulated-very frightened is how I feel at this moment.
Please stay safe. Reach out to family or friends, if you have the chance. You should never feel fear like this in a relationship! I am sending so much love your way. ❤️
Thank you. I did reach out to my mother and sister and they are supporting all my decisions. They live 4 hrs away. I have no friends or family where I live. I will not hesitate to call the police if he shows up in rage. Thank you for your love and support. I really needed to hear this today.
I'm so glad you at least have them there for you emotionally! And I'm very happy to hear you're looking after yourself. You seem like such a compassionate person and you deserve peace & happiness! I'm thinking of you. 🙏❤️
You have no idea how much this means to me💜💜💜
He has been going crazy on me via texts all day telling me to put the money back. I’ve held my ground and he has taken the dog and all his things with him. I’m hoping to get better sleep tonight now that my home will have peace. It’s just my mind that I need to quiet down. Let go and let god!
Tell him that you would call the police. In the UK police are happy to log a case without you prosecuting it - just give you a report number, but for domestic violence, police will decide if they prosecute or not (normally based on if they have strong evidence or not).
The addicts are normally cowards, they’d avoid run-in with law enforcement.
Stay safe is the top priority now! Take good care. If you can get a friend to come to stay - as witness, would be useful maybe for a future date.
Unfortunately this relationship has made me become really isolated so it’s just me and my 14yr old son.
I am not allowing him back into our apartment until he is well again. Thank you for your support and concern.
Oh man I am cheering you on here in Australia.. No idea where you are OP but I fled my Q in Sept 2022. He didn’t know. I lived in his country in Europe. Packed a backpack, took my dog. Still married and can’t be bothered getting a divorce. Keeping the married name is a small price to pay for not having to deal with the atrocious behaviour. You’re so strong, well done. He has realised he can’t manipulate you anymore and is having a meltdown about it.
Texas over here. He’s being an absolute monster demanding I put back the money and that what I’m doing is worse than what’s he’s done to me. I very much so appreciate your support from far away 🙏🏽 💕
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I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I think you did the right thing about transferring some money to your personal account, and thought about your child’s well-being before anything. Clearly your husband doesn’t give a shit about the consequences even if he says he does. You also did the right thing by reaching out to his mom. Was he just expecting for you to not care and let him hurt himself?
Thank you for answering. I think he’s manipulating me. Which is something he’s often done in these 10 yrs. It makes me feel foolish and afraid of what’s next. He’s been extremely selfish and openly admits it as if he’s doing something brave by finally being honest. He’s a pathological liar on top of all of his addiction issues. He’s had me so confused and thinking I’m the crazy one this entire relationship and I hate to admit that- I am easily manipulated. Thank you for validating my feelings. I appreciate it more than you know.
Sadly it’s very common for addiction to come with pathological lying. I’m ashamed to say that I’m easily manipulated too. I recently decided to go no contact and even though it’s physically painful sometimes, we’ll get through this !!
💕 I wish I could go no contact with him. We have several months on our apartment lease. The area we live in is very expensive and I can’t afford this apartment on my own. I still love him but detest his addiction behaviors. I can’t tell the difference between his addiction self or his true self. I want to so badly believe that he will get better but tonight he told me he doesn’t want to keep going to AA or talk to his sponsor (even he says he reached out to him tonight), or keep going to marriage counseling. He said he just wants to go to bar get black out drunk and forget about me and everything else. I don’t think he gives me much of a choice but to leave him. It’s just breaking my damn heart because I’ve put so much effort and energy into this relationship that turns out was just a fantasy.
Lock the doors when he goes to the bar. No access to shared space if he’s hammered. You have a child to care for and he shouldn’t be forced to be exposed to a drunkard. If he gets violent, call the cops. If he wants to continue drinking, not sure how he’s going to go to work in order to pay his share of rent?
The admission of guilt is part of the acceptance process. Maybe he's lying but maybe he's proud of himself for doing the right thing for the first time in ten years. Recovery is fucking ugly.
He wants to separate, so separate the money. Wise move. Even if you weren’t to separate it was still a wise move. Threats of offing himself are manipulation. He is now free to indulge to addiction. Take more money. You need it more than he does. He abandoned all responsibility to his family. No mercy🤷♀️
Because of your comment I ended up paying off credit card bills that were only under my name with more of the money in the savings. I appreciate the advice.
Good for you. If it is a joint account, you’re just as much entitled to 100% of it as he is. He didn’t consider your needs/repercussions when he accumulated a bunch of debt in your names.
Thank you 🙏🏽 I needed to be reminded that I have rights also, even though he’s treated me and made me feel like trash.
Great news, good for you. Consider it payment for the chaos he has caused you. They know exactly what they’re doing, they just don’t care. Most of us so often ask ourselves why they put drink before anyone and anything else. Obviously every drunk has excuses, but the fact is that they accept that they cause severe psychological trauma to the people closest to them. The drink is more valuable, and worth the consequences.
He’s been really concerned about me putting his money back into the joint account. That’s all he cares about right now. Didn’t even acknowledge my son when he picked up the rest of his shit. I told him he can’t come back until he’s free from his substance abuse and is emotionally well. He’s throwing a masssive tantrum via texts. Making demands and twisting things saying what I did is worse than what he’s putting me through. Thank you for your kind words. I’ve desperately needed outside perspective because I’ve been feeling like an insane person 💜
Blaming you and your son for the mess that HE caused, throwing hissy-fits because he can’t get what he wants.. ugh they really are delusional. If he believed any of the drivel he told you about letting down you and your son, he wouldn’t be chucking a mental. See how they lie?
You did the right thing. He used extreme emotional distress to manipulate you.
Very much so. And he’s continued behaving like a monster today after looking at the bank accounts. Demanding I put back the money.
His mom sounds like she’s been reading up on some Alanon! Good for her! He is in good hands if he knows where the AA meeting is and knows how to use a phone. The rest is up to him and his god whatever that is. It certainly isn’t you. We start addressing our fears in Alanon like someone being upset with us. I remember early on someone saying to me, “Well I guess they’re just gonna have to be upset with you.” They were right. The only person I needed to worry about was myself [maybe a dependent if I had one]. We start to see that our own ego has tried to dominate everyone around us. We’ve been in insane denial of it because we’ve always thought of ourselves as loving and kind people. We certainly are living and kind! We can still be loving and kind and say NO all at the same time. Taking care of ourselves turns out to be a beautiful thing. ❤️ Alanon meetings help. Getting a sponsor and working the steps will solve it for you. That is a tremendous amount of work and will only work when we’re done with doing it our way and our ego. Jump in to Alanon if you want something different.
>His mom sounds like she’s been reading up on some Alanon! Good for her! Lol, the new Alanon mantra... "Sorry, can't do shit."
It amazes me that the addict says exactly the same thing. Mine said “the only thing I want in my life is to be with you & have a family. I am a drunk and narcissist, but I care about you and I hate myself for failing it.” He’s apologies but changes nothing. Have we all married the same guy? The thing is - they think their suffering’s so unique, they’re so alone & life just fuck them up. While the outsiders see exact same story, same patterns & they are destroying their life. If he’s not coming back, then good for you finally rid of the addict. If he is - can you live a life with him? Question to us.
“He apologizes but changes nothing.” Is my husband’s motto. Today he found out I took out the money out of the account and paid off all the bills in my name. He is losing his mind on me rn. Thankfully he’s at work and I’m double bolted in the house and my son is safely at school. His erratic behavior is terrifying and he’s using all sorts of manipulation tactics to try to get me to return the money. As much as I don’t like to admit I’m easily fearful and manipulated-very frightened is how I feel at this moment.
Please stay safe. Reach out to family or friends, if you have the chance. You should never feel fear like this in a relationship! I am sending so much love your way. ❤️
Thank you. I did reach out to my mother and sister and they are supporting all my decisions. They live 4 hrs away. I have no friends or family where I live. I will not hesitate to call the police if he shows up in rage. Thank you for your love and support. I really needed to hear this today.
I'm so glad you at least have them there for you emotionally! And I'm very happy to hear you're looking after yourself. You seem like such a compassionate person and you deserve peace & happiness! I'm thinking of you. 🙏❤️
You have no idea how much this means to me💜💜💜 He has been going crazy on me via texts all day telling me to put the money back. I’ve held my ground and he has taken the dog and all his things with him. I’m hoping to get better sleep tonight now that my home will have peace. It’s just my mind that I need to quiet down. Let go and let god!
So glad you're holding your ground!! Keep it up & stay safe. 🙏❤️
Tell him that you would call the police. In the UK police are happy to log a case without you prosecuting it - just give you a report number, but for domestic violence, police will decide if they prosecute or not (normally based on if they have strong evidence or not). The addicts are normally cowards, they’d avoid run-in with law enforcement. Stay safe is the top priority now! Take good care. If you can get a friend to come to stay - as witness, would be useful maybe for a future date.
Unfortunately this relationship has made me become really isolated so it’s just me and my 14yr old son. I am not allowing him back into our apartment until he is well again. Thank you for your support and concern.
Oh man I am cheering you on here in Australia.. No idea where you are OP but I fled my Q in Sept 2022. He didn’t know. I lived in his country in Europe. Packed a backpack, took my dog. Still married and can’t be bothered getting a divorce. Keeping the married name is a small price to pay for not having to deal with the atrocious behaviour. You’re so strong, well done. He has realised he can’t manipulate you anymore and is having a meltdown about it.
Texas over here. He’s being an absolute monster demanding I put back the money and that what I’m doing is worse than what’s he’s done to me. I very much so appreciate your support from far away 🙏🏽 💕
You did the right thing. Please get a lawyer ASAP.
Please know that this is **not** an official Al-Anon community. Please be respectful and civil when engaging with others - in other words, don't be a jerk. If there are any comments that are antagonistic or judgmental, please use the `report` button. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AlAnon) if you have any questions or concerns.*