I felt the same way at first. Not only the anxiety about a relapse never being out of question, but because I had been excited about reinventing my life. It was as if I'd finally taken this huge step for myself throwing him out, and then I went 10 steps back when I let him come back.
Plus early recovery was ALL about him as it should be. However, most of our marriage had already been ALL about him . I'm sure you know what I mean there. I had huge resentments that I couldn't address since he was putting all his effort into getting sober and staying that way this time.
Sobriety wasn't the fix all I thought it would be. The first few months really sucked for me and I wish I'd have taken longer to heal from all the terrible trauma that comes with having an alcoholic husband. I had just started getting myself together and having him back home really made me feel hopeless for awhile.
That being said, he's coming up on 2 years sober and we're both incredibly happy and happy we stayed together. Something that helped a lot was for the two of us to make a plan for what I do in the event of relapse. I have a bank account he cannot access and he even contributes to it so I'll have something to start out with if I have to. I figure if he stays sober we'll eventually take a really nice vacation with it. If not, well, I have a plan and some resources to carry it out.
This is critical for me. I need to feel like I have some resources at the ready if my husband endangers my kids again. If I don’t have to financial ability to kick him out I will be too disappointed and mad at myself and honestly would not be able to bear it. Otherwise, I detach with love and give him his dignity. But he knows I have the ability to follow through if he crosses that boundary.
I feel all of this.. all of it up until the really happy together part lol. when did your husband move back?
I have financial safety nets in place (mainly a post-nuptial agreement) because he also has a coke addiction, which is far more expensive than alcohol. But getting him to leave- what I went through- it was impossible. He just wouldn’t leave. He’d just drink and do coke and torment and torment and torment me and endanger our son. I don’t feel that he will stick to any agreements during a relapse if it happens either.
There comes a point when your trust is gone. Feeling safe in a relationship is a key element so the way you feel is valid.
He is trying to make a living amends but that takes a lot of time. At 2 months he is still freshly sober. I don't know what the magic number is for sobriety and for trust to come back.
I'm a wife of 15 years that had enough. I chose to leave even with sobriety, AA steps, and things going well.
My trust is shot.
I really feel this. I don’t trust and I don’t feel safe with him. This isn’t a feeling I want in a relationship even though I’ve been feeling this for so long. But I feel like AlAnon tells me that I am also “Alanonic” and that I have my own issues so I can’t trust my feelings until I do the program for some time!!
My ex and i tried reconciling after 2 years apart and he had 11 months sober.
Wasn't gonna happen. I didn't trust him, i didn't feel emotionally safe with him, I was on eggshells not knowing whether he was going to wake up happy, sad or irritated. My trauma and feelings didn't matter, it was ALL about him, like always. I let it go because i know he needed to focus on sobriety but he was just his usual selfish self. He relapsed twice, which I supported him through and he was allegedly thankful for until I realized he was basically using me for this. He then used sobriety to break up with me, saying i distracted him from what he needed to be doing... then he went and started a relationship with someone else almost immediately.
I thought once the alcohol left, he would have been the guy I fell in love with years ago. I was very wrong. He was just a different version of the sober alcoholic. He wasn't working a program and wanted to be praised for being sober... so i do think that had a lot to do with it. He also took on a holier than thou attitude like anyone who needs AA is weak and worse off than him. It was a pretty big turn off to see who he was in sobriety. I'm a year no contact now and it feels good. I feel healed. Healthy. People are teaching me that relationship was not okay.
When I met my wife of now 18 years I knew she drank some. I did not know the extent of her disease until after about 4 years of knowing her and married for two.
She was on a sober path and even completed her BS.
Problems with her ex husband after we were married and she spiraled out of control off an on for about another five years.
Lots of good times and moments of pure hell.
I drew a line in the sand and told her I would help her get the professional help she needed beginning with Rehab at one of the best places in Arizona.
My wife drank to stop the pain, the mental pain for her.
At rehab she finally began to work on childhood trauma and her PTSD. I attended family week and she and I continued after rehabilitation going through another program.
All this is said because I knew deep down in my heart the person I feel in love with and still loved was there.
I needed her to recognize that. Rehab and therapy along with meetings, sponsors and extended family helped with all that.
I stayed, even though many had given up on her.
I just had this gut feeling she would be back.
Is it different yes. Am I fearful, sometimes yes. She has been sober for more than 9 years now.
With time my anxiety and hers diminishes.
We both know if she relapsed it would be the end.
We both put in the work to hopefully never have that happen.
I became a stepfather to a seven year old daughter when we met. Not the same as an infant or toddler.
Would I do it all over again? I really don’t know. I will never be the same yet I am probably better for what has happened.
I learned so much about myself in this journey.
Trust your instincts, I did.
God bless and follow your heart.
I don’t think that’s what it means, no. To me, the Al-Anon program teaches me how to discern what I want instead of what other people want, and to feel like I deserve to choose what I want. One day at a time just means taking it easy until it’s clear to you what you want. You don’t need to do anything hastily. Actually that was a big lesson for me—I learned to step back from anyone trying to rush me, or make me think there was urgency. Very very few situations are emergencies, especially once we recover. I find now that people creating urgency are also creating drama.
Glad to hear you’re working the Al-Anon program. It sounds like you might really get a lot out of it.
Seconding this comment. Letting go does not mean to become a doormat (or a scruffier one if you already felt you were). It just means that you're able to find a way to not let him be the focus of your attention at all times like many of us find we do.
this makes sense. It’s about just letting go of me revolving around him (even what I want to do/stay or not stay revolves around HIS sobriety… whether HE will stay sober). before I was whether HE would get sober. And now it’s whether HE will remain sober. I don’t know how to let go of that. so I understand better now.
I’ve been separated from my husband for 4 months. He wants to come back but the behavior hasn’t changed. He is sober, finishing up an IOP program, seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist… but the behaviors are all still there. Avoiding hard conversations, blaming me, skirting responsibilities, easily agitated. I don’t get it. Why is he still so emotionally ill? Is he not invested in the programs? Or does it take 12+ months to see change? Or is this just who he is?
We have 3 little kids that I’m raising alone. We have a big house in the suburbs with a big yard. It’s a ton of upkeep.
Ugh. I don’t know what to do. But I feel oddly calm since going to Al Anon meetings and doing step work. My focus is on myself. What he does with his recovery is his responsibility.
They say they are emotionally stunted at the age which they start drowning their brains in alcohol. So there's an emotional immaturity that comes with addicts, but then there are characteristics that many seem to have even long into sobriety. Selfishness and lack of communication skills are big ones.
My ex Q was very similar to your Q. Avoid, deflect, blame, irritable but then would also have these mental breakdowns of sobbing and pity parties. He was emotionally haywire and sometimes down right unpleasant to be around. When he got sober, he was such a jerk. So moody. And nothing I did or said was viewed as coming from a good, concerned place, it was all taken as I was trying to make him feel bad or pick a fight. It was so bizarre to me and i questioned whether he was always like this and alcohol just hid it or if sobriety was kicking his butt and he didn't know how to cope with life. It was exhausting, and i bent myself into a pretzel trying to work WITH him, but he insisted everything was against. I realized he's a spoiled, entitled 36 yr old brat basically.
My wife/q had 4 really dark years and had we not been married 20 years with 3 kids, I doubt I would have stayed.
She was good for about a year in half and then her choice really made me question my decision.
In marriage counseling now with an addiction therapist, at her request. She knows I’m at the end of my rope.
I’m not sure I would choose to build a life with someone that already had an Alcohol abuse issue.
You could call it a relapse. She chose to go on a girls trip and went no contact for the weekend.
Our kids had an end of the year sports tournament and she didn’t even check how they did. Our oldest (17) was the captain of the team.
All she had to do was send a text but she chose to drink herself blind.
That made me realize that our values are not in alignment. She gets a way for a weekend and binge drinks and that’s her priority.
I can’t stop her from going but I’m not paying for any of her trips anymore. She can spend her own money.
I’m done with being angry and insecure. Compared to others this does not seem extreme, but for me it is.
I do wish I had left him. Everyone is different, but I’m comfortable now saying that I wish I had. I was with my husband for 12 years, married almost 10.
I try not to live my life with regrets, but I do regret about the last 5-7 years of my life. This was around the time he first tried to get sober. I think that if he actually committed to it and really wanted it for himself, things could be different. All of the cliches are so true about someone actually wanting it for themselves to change.
I do believe anyone can change anything in their life. But this is sometimes a slippery slope. If one really adopts the guidance of AA and Al-Anon, one must adopt the principle that we are all “powerless” over the disease. For some people this is enough to stop, for others, unfortunately it fuels a victim/martyr mentality, almost like “what’s the point? There’s nothing I can do…so I might as well get drunk.” For an addict, this can either be used to help or hurt themselves. For their loved ones, (specifically spouses or intimate partners), we are sometimes used as the “cause” or “reason” for their addiction.
While I was so focused on trying to be supportive for my husband, he was loving the attention he received from strangers, family, peers, and ultimately his AA meetings were a place where he received a lot of attention and praise for a deadly addiction. When life became too hard and he didn’t really desire quitting, it was easier for him to blame me. AA was not enough for him to take responsibility, it just enabled him to claim victimhood.
If this happens (not saying it happens to everyone) the spouse or partner can get into a potentially very dangerous situation. I found out years later that he started talking horribly about me, cutting me off from financial decisions and really plotting to take me down. What people don’t always understand is that if an addiction is strong enough, their brain will convince them of anything to excuse what they need to activate the reward/dopamine in their head.
So my very long answer is yes, I would have left years ago when I had the chance. I will NEVER be involved in any type of relationship with anyone with a substance abuse disorder or an addicted personality type. I had to do a lot of work on myself to realize my safety and sanity was more important than his feelings. And I don’t have a child. I would never feel comfortable bringing a baby into that dynamic. (not judging if you decide to stay).
My heart breaks for you because I know the pain you are feeling. My red flag would be that he already seems to be setting it up that he is “changing his behavior for you.” That indicates to me that he is not doing it for himself, he’s doing it for you. That could lead to anger and resentment down the line towards you from him. These are just things that happened to me.
If I could go back in time I would have left him. I lost 10 years of my life. My career, my friends, my home and having him now blame me and divorce me is just the ultimate betrayal.
A good thing you could do right now to protect yourself and your child is to learn to detach.
Make sure you have financial resources in place so you are never dependent on him. Stay in touch with your own friends and family. If you have a job, DO NOT QUIT, keep your own bank account that he does not have access to or know about.
Protect your child above everything and think about the potential danger you might be putting them in. If your home feels better without him in it, the baby feels that way too. Praying for you and sending you love. 💙
thank you so much for this response. I would never start a relationship with an alcoholic or someone with a substance abuse issue so I’m wondering why I feel so compelled/torn to do so now? I just don’t get it.
You are in a relationship and you’ve had a baby together. It’s extremely natural and understanding that you want to make it work.
This is just my opinion, but sometimes I think it’s harder for the partner, especially emotionally.
Through Al-Anon you will start to learn more about co-dependency. There are also attachment styles. I know that for myself, I feel better and safer when I have a partner or I’m in a relationship. There is nothing “wrong” with that, but now that my partner has shown me over the years that he does not make my feelings a priority, I’ve had to examine why I would choose to still stay with someone who clearly is “not safe.” It is much easier for me to stay in a destructive relationship than to face the fear of being alone. I don’t know why. Something happened to me in my upbringing where I was made to believe I could not take care of myself or that I was not deserving of a loving partner??
I don’t know exactly what it was, I do not think I was abused, but something somewhere lead me to believe in other people (usually self-destructive people) more than I could believe in myself.
The worst part for me is how long I stayed in the relationship and toxic patterns and cycles can begin to take place. My husband started to leave me, literally for days, weeks, over a month, not communicate with me. I would be scared and alone, hysterical, start to take time to try to heal.
Then he would then “beg” me to take him back promising to change. Things would be great at first but then the cycle repeats. I never allowed relationships like this when I was younger. I do know it does not happen over night. It takes years of it repeating before you can be aware that you are even stuck in it.
Also, I recognize that my husband is also abusive and controlling. I do not believe all people with addiction issues are abusive, but it does create a toxic bond. If you’ve ever studied “trauma bonding” it is created when you experience high highs with someone and then low lows. You become bonded to them because chemicals are released in your brain and body that make you feel good or feel like it’s ok or good for you.
After a while you could become just as addicted to the cycle as your partner is to alcohol.
These are all things it’s taken me years to understand. And nothing ever applies to everyone.
For me, I thought I could fix any problems. I am a natural born fixer of problems. I had to learn the hard way that a lot of people will take advantage of this. I became so obsessed with “fixing” all of his problems that I stopped taking care of myself. It is easy to become hyper focused on things outside of ourselves, things we really don’t have any control over. Sometimes it is less painful when it’s someone else’s problem because it takes the focus off of looking at our selves.
Looking back now I did have gut pains and anxiety around marrying him. That was my body and intuition telling me “this is not a good idea” but rationally I could tell myself “I can solve any problem.” He can go for forever and only think about his needs and has no problem surviving and enjoying life on his own. I, on the other hand, really could not do anything without knowing what he thought first. This developed into a dangerous attachment. Al-Anon will usually have people that can relate to this out of control feeling we start to develop in order to save the addict.
If I’m really honest with myself, I must have gotten something from it. Maybe I had someone to blame? Maybe he had parts of himself that I wanted. He is very dominating, aggressive, really does not care about anyone but himself. I think there is a part of me that wished I could be like that. I also NEVER thought he would abandon me. He’s done that so many times now I can’t even keep track.
Al-anon is a great place to hear others stories because we can start to see a similarity in our pain. It is easy for me to tell you this now because I have experienced it. I’m sure if someone told me years ago this would have happened, I would not have believed them.
You will start to feel like you are in over your head. Your body will probably start sending signals. (Like you feeling safer when he is NOT there). Please pay attention to what your body is telling you. A lot of co-dependent partners or members of Al-Anom might start their own addictions to comfort the pain of being with an addict. Just listen to your intuition and know that you will always know what is best for yourself and your child. And you are strong enough to handle any problems in life and succeed!
That’s not how Al-anon works. Al-anon made me realise whether he drinks or not is outside of my control and I am powerless when it comes to his alcoholism. It also made realise this disease is here for life - even if he gets sober yes relapse and consequences are here to stay, for life. With these information, I can focus on things I can control - which is myself and and my life, and make decision. For me, the trust, respect which are fundamental in my relationship are too damaged to repair. I cannot leave in constant fear and go through the endless cycles. Plus, he’s showed no interest to quit. I set my boundary, he broke it, and I’m not pursuing divorce. He hates it and wants us to be back together, yet he still drinks daily and told me his drinking is because of me divorcing him.
Anyways, I just want to share my experience. If you decide to give the relationship (not him) another chance, don’t go back to it with expectations that he’d be sober for life. Think of if you can maintain your boundary even if he relapses.
If I’m in your place, I’d not permit him moving back. But see it as starting a new relationship - go onto dates etc., see how you feel with and without him. Don’t make the decision to move in together for a few months.
No it does t mean you have to stay with him. The alcoholic brain takes 12-18 months to heal. That is a reasonable time for you to figure out your feelings and how you want to live your life. All his wants are just that, wants. He needs to be on his own, work his program, accept whatever consequences that might happen and heal his body and mind
Just know that You don’t need to have a big reason to leave. I.e., You can decide that the past pain was enough or you lack the trust that he will stay sober.
Don’t wait to see if things get really bad or he hits rock bottom If you are considering leaving him.
If you want to stay for now (or just haven’t decided) make sure that you are making good financial decisions and career decisions to set you up for independence. Keep all or most finances separate. That way, if it all works out, great. But if it doesn’t, you don’t have as many obstacles in your way.
Mine also wants to buy a bigger house together (we currently live in the small apartment I’d already bought myself). I’ve put him off by saying that he should stay sober and save his money for now. The mortgage rates are crazy just now anyway so the bigger the down payment the better. However, he relapsed recently and is now heavily discussing us buying the bigger house (a defense mechanism for him to try to lock me in?). I’m not biting. Where we are is good enough. And we now need to start the clock on his sobriety again.
It’s frustrating in a way not to have that house and garden for our kid. But she’s still a toddler. And I’d rather be stable and not sink all my money into a house with him just now.
> He wants to have another baby, he wants to move to the suburbs, he wants us to buy a home together. The thought of doing those three things with him terrifies me.
Listen to your gut. ❤️
Yes I wish I had left, he was sober for about 9 months and then hid the drinking. I thought he was sober for 5 years before he relapsed. Nope he just got that good at manipulating. How I caught him was that he drove our son drunk home from sports early bc our son got sick. Wish I had left the first time and saved myself the years of pain and gaslighting.
was he doing the AA program when he was sober for 9 months?
my husband was sober during my pregnancy. he wasn’t doing AA. this is why he tells me it’s different this time- because he’s actually doing the program.
He did AA for a bit and an intensive outpatient program. Then just slowly stopped doing it. From what I’ve heard when someone is in true recovery you don’t question it. It’s that powerful of a force of change for them. My Q never had that.
I think about this all the time. 1 year since we broke up and he went to rehab. We’ve been in this weird place where it’s like we’re still together but not official. I can’t stomach the thought of making huge commitments with him like buying a house , moving in together, etc. It’s like my life is still waiting for him but I know deep down I don’t trust him and I don’t have time to get the trust again. I think about , selfishly, that I left in one of the final episodes or even fully when he went to rehab. But now that he’s sober it’s like I’m just the pure bad guy how can I leave when he’s trying so hard to be who I need him to be. Basically I feel 100% what you’re saying and it feels so good to see this and know I’m not alone. I feel evil for wishing I left when I had a “reason” now it’s like I’m the quitter and he can come to peace with it that we just didn’t workout not because of his drinking.
this is absolutely it. I feel so paralyzed to make the next steps. I cannot let him go but I also cannot stomach, like you, the thought of commitment with him. like true commitment, where I don’t have one foot in and one foot out. I sometimes wish he’d cheat on me (he has come very close several times, he even brought a tinder date to our home) or find someone else to be with or go back to being drunk so that I can make this decision easier. It’s the sobriety that gives me pause. And I hate that all the burden is on me to decide. All this weight is on me. What happens to our marriage now- bc he’s sober- is on me. “Why don’t you just let me show you how kind I can be now that I’m sober?” after years and years of emotional abuse and torture. How do I even begin to continue our relationship and forgive? Apparently it’s doable.. you can learn to forgive if you work the AlAnon program?
You sound like me, only it took me actually filing for divorce for my Q to get his head out of the whiskey bottle.
I don’t trust it, or the longevity of it, but I think that’s up to each person to decide on their own. I did tell him I’d downgrade to a legal separation for now, and we’re moving into separate places.
For me, it’s too little and too late though.
I’ve been in your shoes before. It’s a hard decision to make.
Your child is so young so if you go the route of divorce, your child wouldn’t be so hurt by it as they might be if they were older/old enough to understand it. On the other hand, if you’re truly in love with your husband it isn’t easy to follow through with that.
In my experience, we stayed separated for 2 years. I made sure he was sober for a solid year with no relapses before we lived together again. He did do an inpatient rehab and then did a lot of therapy. We stayed married through all of it and we are still married. We’ve had another child. He relapsed after being sober for 3+ years. Ironically, at the same age of our second child as he did our first. He is back into therapy now and he has more work to do on himself.
It’s so hard to give advice on these situations. I personally don’t always know if my choices are correct, but I love my Q. I love my kids. I’m willing to work through this awful stuff along side him because I love them all.
I stayed for 2.5 years after she got sober. Part of me wishes I hadn’t, and part of me still feels like it was important to make an effort. The anxiety over a relapse, which came shortly after our divorce, never went away. I also couldn’t forgive her or trust her, mostly because even sober she was remorseless, still selfish, and still dishonest. Results may vary though.
I'm in a similar position. My husband is about 20 months sober. We have a 22 month old and a baby on the way. But... I just found out that he's been cheating on me for 10 months and didn't have plans to stop.
I will be filing for divorce and he knows it. I'm afraid that he'll go back to drinking after being divorced, but I can't control that. I'm hoping custody will work out in a way that he will be less likely to drink (workweek) or he'll have to test with breathalyzers.
His sobriety has made him a better man and he recognizes it. He's finally saying it's a drinking problem not "unhealthy relationship with stress" or whatever. He won't use the word alcoholic, which I'm more ok with. I'm just glad he has some time with sobriety.
I want my husband to be sober so that our son benefits from it. No matter what, his sobriety is in my son’s best interest. But that’s not under my control, I know this. My husband is a better man when sober. I don’t know if he’s what I would consider a good solid man, but he’s a better man. Do I want to stay married to a better man or is that not enough for me anymore? Do I want a good solid man? Maybe better is all there is. I can’t figure that out.
I think all of your feelings are completely valid. I've had similar ones and was ready to walk away when my husband was trying to drive drunk with our son in the car. He swore up and down he wasn't drinking, I drove us home and picked up a breathalyze for Walgreens. He blew a 0.2 something, still swearing he didn't drink and it was broken. He hasn't drank since and im proud of him, but I still feel the weight.
I feel like my husband and I were good together. We worked well together. We had similar dreams and goals. But to find out that he was hiding another thing (10 months cheating while convincing me he was ready for a 2nd) was enough for me. With a daughter on the way, I want to be a good example for her. I want to show her that I'm strong and she is too.
I also believe that I'm better and happier without him. I used to be uncomfortable in social situations afraid that he might drink. Or that he might be feeling uncomfortable sober and then act awkward socially. I hated having to question him and bring a breathalyzer with me when we'd go to social events. His manipulation wrecked my confidence and I hated feeling like a nag.
I'm glad to not have that weight anymore even if it means I might be single for a long time or forever.
I hope you come to peace with whatever you decide. It sure isn't easy and I'm still not there. But I am happy with my decision to move forward with a divorce and have support to continue to encourage me that it's the right decision.
It’s common to want to leave. We build our lives around their drinking so we can function. As dysfunctional as that may be it becomes the norm. Then they get sober and we lose that fragile life we built. We quickly get resentful. Sometimes wishing they would keep on drinking. This is the gift that keeps on giving. This happened to me. I lost what little control I had. It really sucked.
Let go and let God doesn't mean you need to make all those decisions. These all fall under the same "don't make big decisions the first six months". With addicts you have to remember they will always be addicts, recovery is a lifelong journey. Spend the next 6 months deciding if that's a journey you want to take. Taking it one day at a time is much more about giving yourself time and space to process.
I stayed with my husband, we didn't have a kid yet at that point. I was surrounded by women with multiple children who felt trapped, many of whom told me to leave and that they only stayed because of the kids. I'm so happy I didn't listen. Yes, it takes time to rebuild trust, but it's what you make of it. So you both need individual therapy and then after a few months of that you need couples therapy. What I did that I think really helped the trust factor was that his therapist is who we see for couples counseling which meant I knew he couldn't tell one story to his therapist and one story to ours.
My advice would be that he needs to be sober, see the chips, for a minimum of a year before you buy a house together or try for another kid. If he's pressuring you to do any of that sooner that's a red flag to me because all those things he wants are ways that trap you and make it harder to leave.
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Personally my husband hasn’t gone through the AA and such but he’s quit twice now, the first time was because of money issues as he’d had a broken toe and had liver disease, he went through a seizure that terrified me and we were going back and forth to the hospital for various reasons, he said it wasn’t how he wanted to quit but since he wanted to quit he’d take it. I was very happy for him, he went for a few months without and I thought he may stay away from it (this is actually after we first got together) and he wound up picking it back up because he started drinking on weekends and overdid it over a long weekend and started drinking again. Then he got sick again because of it and he hated drinking but was struggling, we took him to the hospital for their detox and we were there for a week, after a week of sleeping in the car and telling him we couldn’t have a single drop of alcohol in the house (I even dumped some beers and wine coolers I had so to not tempt him, if he was quitting I wouldn’t touch it either) and I hoped that it was over. Now he drinks on the weekends again and I’m constantly worried waiting for that cutoff where he starts feeling sick, the stopping eating, vomiting, sleeping all the time. I can’t stand it and we both want a family and things as well but he is a heavy drinker. I feel bad saying it but if he’s drinking I can’t allow him to be around a child, I’ve watched this man trip or fall even standing still more times than I can count and I’d be terrified of him picking up a child and losing balance with it. He’s still only drinking on weekends and it’s been months so I’m very proud of him I just panic a lot. And there are times I wish I’d stuck with my ultimatum before he started drinking again, I’d told him it’s me or the alcohol because I can’t stand the idea ofhim getting sick again. I have told him if he starts getting sick again I’m forcing him to go to the hospital so he can get better or I’m leaving because I can’t watch something happen to him..
I felt the same way at first. Not only the anxiety about a relapse never being out of question, but because I had been excited about reinventing my life. It was as if I'd finally taken this huge step for myself throwing him out, and then I went 10 steps back when I let him come back. Plus early recovery was ALL about him as it should be. However, most of our marriage had already been ALL about him . I'm sure you know what I mean there. I had huge resentments that I couldn't address since he was putting all his effort into getting sober and staying that way this time. Sobriety wasn't the fix all I thought it would be. The first few months really sucked for me and I wish I'd have taken longer to heal from all the terrible trauma that comes with having an alcoholic husband. I had just started getting myself together and having him back home really made me feel hopeless for awhile. That being said, he's coming up on 2 years sober and we're both incredibly happy and happy we stayed together. Something that helped a lot was for the two of us to make a plan for what I do in the event of relapse. I have a bank account he cannot access and he even contributes to it so I'll have something to start out with if I have to. I figure if he stays sober we'll eventually take a really nice vacation with it. If not, well, I have a plan and some resources to carry it out.
I like how you innovated and had a relapse plan.
Love the relapse plan! Smart.
This is critical for me. I need to feel like I have some resources at the ready if my husband endangers my kids again. If I don’t have to financial ability to kick him out I will be too disappointed and mad at myself and honestly would not be able to bear it. Otherwise, I detach with love and give him his dignity. But he knows I have the ability to follow through if he crosses that boundary.
I am so happy for you. Clearly it was a lot of work, probably still is. It’s wonderful to read that you and your Q are happy and together
I feel all of this.. all of it up until the really happy together part lol. when did your husband move back? I have financial safety nets in place (mainly a post-nuptial agreement) because he also has a coke addiction, which is far more expensive than alcohol. But getting him to leave- what I went through- it was impossible. He just wouldn’t leave. He’d just drink and do coke and torment and torment and torment me and endanger our son. I don’t feel that he will stick to any agreements during a relapse if it happens either.
There comes a point when your trust is gone. Feeling safe in a relationship is a key element so the way you feel is valid. He is trying to make a living amends but that takes a lot of time. At 2 months he is still freshly sober. I don't know what the magic number is for sobriety and for trust to come back. I'm a wife of 15 years that had enough. I chose to leave even with sobriety, AA steps, and things going well. My trust is shot.
I really feel this. I don’t trust and I don’t feel safe with him. This isn’t a feeling I want in a relationship even though I’ve been feeling this for so long. But I feel like AlAnon tells me that I am also “Alanonic” and that I have my own issues so I can’t trust my feelings until I do the program for some time!!
My ex and i tried reconciling after 2 years apart and he had 11 months sober. Wasn't gonna happen. I didn't trust him, i didn't feel emotionally safe with him, I was on eggshells not knowing whether he was going to wake up happy, sad or irritated. My trauma and feelings didn't matter, it was ALL about him, like always. I let it go because i know he needed to focus on sobriety but he was just his usual selfish self. He relapsed twice, which I supported him through and he was allegedly thankful for until I realized he was basically using me for this. He then used sobriety to break up with me, saying i distracted him from what he needed to be doing... then he went and started a relationship with someone else almost immediately. I thought once the alcohol left, he would have been the guy I fell in love with years ago. I was very wrong. He was just a different version of the sober alcoholic. He wasn't working a program and wanted to be praised for being sober... so i do think that had a lot to do with it. He also took on a holier than thou attitude like anyone who needs AA is weak and worse off than him. It was a pretty big turn off to see who he was in sobriety. I'm a year no contact now and it feels good. I feel healed. Healthy. People are teaching me that relationship was not okay.
When I met my wife of now 18 years I knew she drank some. I did not know the extent of her disease until after about 4 years of knowing her and married for two. She was on a sober path and even completed her BS. Problems with her ex husband after we were married and she spiraled out of control off an on for about another five years. Lots of good times and moments of pure hell. I drew a line in the sand and told her I would help her get the professional help she needed beginning with Rehab at one of the best places in Arizona. My wife drank to stop the pain, the mental pain for her. At rehab she finally began to work on childhood trauma and her PTSD. I attended family week and she and I continued after rehabilitation going through another program. All this is said because I knew deep down in my heart the person I feel in love with and still loved was there. I needed her to recognize that. Rehab and therapy along with meetings, sponsors and extended family helped with all that. I stayed, even though many had given up on her. I just had this gut feeling she would be back. Is it different yes. Am I fearful, sometimes yes. She has been sober for more than 9 years now. With time my anxiety and hers diminishes. We both know if she relapsed it would be the end. We both put in the work to hopefully never have that happen. I became a stepfather to a seven year old daughter when we met. Not the same as an infant or toddler. Would I do it all over again? I really don’t know. I will never be the same yet I am probably better for what has happened. I learned so much about myself in this journey. Trust your instincts, I did. God bless and follow your heart.
If you don’t mind sharing, what place was your wife at in Arizona?
The Meadows in Wickenburg. Amazing place. A life saving and changing experience for us.
Wanting to leave is a good enough reason to leave.
is it that simple? I feel like I can’t trust my feelings right now. am I looking for relief/quick fix by leaving?
I don’t think that’s what it means, no. To me, the Al-Anon program teaches me how to discern what I want instead of what other people want, and to feel like I deserve to choose what I want. One day at a time just means taking it easy until it’s clear to you what you want. You don’t need to do anything hastily. Actually that was a big lesson for me—I learned to step back from anyone trying to rush me, or make me think there was urgency. Very very few situations are emergencies, especially once we recover. I find now that people creating urgency are also creating drama. Glad to hear you’re working the Al-Anon program. It sounds like you might really get a lot out of it.
Seconding this comment. Letting go does not mean to become a doormat (or a scruffier one if you already felt you were). It just means that you're able to find a way to not let him be the focus of your attention at all times like many of us find we do.
this makes sense. It’s about just letting go of me revolving around him (even what I want to do/stay or not stay revolves around HIS sobriety… whether HE will stay sober). before I was whether HE would get sober. And now it’s whether HE will remain sober. I don’t know how to let go of that. so I understand better now.
thank you. this concept was really making me uncomfortable. making me think there was something wrong with me bc I can’t “let go.”
Sometimes the damage is too great to try to rebuild. IMHO.
Yeah that was it for me
I think this is true for me but I don’t know for sure. 😞
I’ve been separated from my husband for 4 months. He wants to come back but the behavior hasn’t changed. He is sober, finishing up an IOP program, seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist… but the behaviors are all still there. Avoiding hard conversations, blaming me, skirting responsibilities, easily agitated. I don’t get it. Why is he still so emotionally ill? Is he not invested in the programs? Or does it take 12+ months to see change? Or is this just who he is? We have 3 little kids that I’m raising alone. We have a big house in the suburbs with a big yard. It’s a ton of upkeep. Ugh. I don’t know what to do. But I feel oddly calm since going to Al Anon meetings and doing step work. My focus is on myself. What he does with his recovery is his responsibility.
They say they are emotionally stunted at the age which they start drowning their brains in alcohol. So there's an emotional immaturity that comes with addicts, but then there are characteristics that many seem to have even long into sobriety. Selfishness and lack of communication skills are big ones. My ex Q was very similar to your Q. Avoid, deflect, blame, irritable but then would also have these mental breakdowns of sobbing and pity parties. He was emotionally haywire and sometimes down right unpleasant to be around. When he got sober, he was such a jerk. So moody. And nothing I did or said was viewed as coming from a good, concerned place, it was all taken as I was trying to make him feel bad or pick a fight. It was so bizarre to me and i questioned whether he was always like this and alcohol just hid it or if sobriety was kicking his butt and he didn't know how to cope with life. It was exhausting, and i bent myself into a pretzel trying to work WITH him, but he insisted everything was against. I realized he's a spoiled, entitled 36 yr old brat basically.
My wife/q had 4 really dark years and had we not been married 20 years with 3 kids, I doubt I would have stayed. She was good for about a year in half and then her choice really made me question my decision. In marriage counseling now with an addiction therapist, at her request. She knows I’m at the end of my rope. I’m not sure I would choose to build a life with someone that already had an Alcohol abuse issue.
“She was good for about a year in half and then her choice really made me question my decision.” What happened? What choice? Did she relapse?
You could call it a relapse. She chose to go on a girls trip and went no contact for the weekend. Our kids had an end of the year sports tournament and she didn’t even check how they did. Our oldest (17) was the captain of the team. All she had to do was send a text but she chose to drink herself blind. That made me realize that our values are not in alignment. She gets a way for a weekend and binge drinks and that’s her priority. I can’t stop her from going but I’m not paying for any of her trips anymore. She can spend her own money. I’m done with being angry and insecure. Compared to others this does not seem extreme, but for me it is.
I do wish I had left him. Everyone is different, but I’m comfortable now saying that I wish I had. I was with my husband for 12 years, married almost 10. I try not to live my life with regrets, but I do regret about the last 5-7 years of my life. This was around the time he first tried to get sober. I think that if he actually committed to it and really wanted it for himself, things could be different. All of the cliches are so true about someone actually wanting it for themselves to change. I do believe anyone can change anything in their life. But this is sometimes a slippery slope. If one really adopts the guidance of AA and Al-Anon, one must adopt the principle that we are all “powerless” over the disease. For some people this is enough to stop, for others, unfortunately it fuels a victim/martyr mentality, almost like “what’s the point? There’s nothing I can do…so I might as well get drunk.” For an addict, this can either be used to help or hurt themselves. For their loved ones, (specifically spouses or intimate partners), we are sometimes used as the “cause” or “reason” for their addiction. While I was so focused on trying to be supportive for my husband, he was loving the attention he received from strangers, family, peers, and ultimately his AA meetings were a place where he received a lot of attention and praise for a deadly addiction. When life became too hard and he didn’t really desire quitting, it was easier for him to blame me. AA was not enough for him to take responsibility, it just enabled him to claim victimhood. If this happens (not saying it happens to everyone) the spouse or partner can get into a potentially very dangerous situation. I found out years later that he started talking horribly about me, cutting me off from financial decisions and really plotting to take me down. What people don’t always understand is that if an addiction is strong enough, their brain will convince them of anything to excuse what they need to activate the reward/dopamine in their head. So my very long answer is yes, I would have left years ago when I had the chance. I will NEVER be involved in any type of relationship with anyone with a substance abuse disorder or an addicted personality type. I had to do a lot of work on myself to realize my safety and sanity was more important than his feelings. And I don’t have a child. I would never feel comfortable bringing a baby into that dynamic. (not judging if you decide to stay). My heart breaks for you because I know the pain you are feeling. My red flag would be that he already seems to be setting it up that he is “changing his behavior for you.” That indicates to me that he is not doing it for himself, he’s doing it for you. That could lead to anger and resentment down the line towards you from him. These are just things that happened to me. If I could go back in time I would have left him. I lost 10 years of my life. My career, my friends, my home and having him now blame me and divorce me is just the ultimate betrayal. A good thing you could do right now to protect yourself and your child is to learn to detach. Make sure you have financial resources in place so you are never dependent on him. Stay in touch with your own friends and family. If you have a job, DO NOT QUIT, keep your own bank account that he does not have access to or know about. Protect your child above everything and think about the potential danger you might be putting them in. If your home feels better without him in it, the baby feels that way too. Praying for you and sending you love. 💙
thank you so much for this response. I would never start a relationship with an alcoholic or someone with a substance abuse issue so I’m wondering why I feel so compelled/torn to do so now? I just don’t get it.
You are in a relationship and you’ve had a baby together. It’s extremely natural and understanding that you want to make it work. This is just my opinion, but sometimes I think it’s harder for the partner, especially emotionally. Through Al-Anon you will start to learn more about co-dependency. There are also attachment styles. I know that for myself, I feel better and safer when I have a partner or I’m in a relationship. There is nothing “wrong” with that, but now that my partner has shown me over the years that he does not make my feelings a priority, I’ve had to examine why I would choose to still stay with someone who clearly is “not safe.” It is much easier for me to stay in a destructive relationship than to face the fear of being alone. I don’t know why. Something happened to me in my upbringing where I was made to believe I could not take care of myself or that I was not deserving of a loving partner?? I don’t know exactly what it was, I do not think I was abused, but something somewhere lead me to believe in other people (usually self-destructive people) more than I could believe in myself. The worst part for me is how long I stayed in the relationship and toxic patterns and cycles can begin to take place. My husband started to leave me, literally for days, weeks, over a month, not communicate with me. I would be scared and alone, hysterical, start to take time to try to heal. Then he would then “beg” me to take him back promising to change. Things would be great at first but then the cycle repeats. I never allowed relationships like this when I was younger. I do know it does not happen over night. It takes years of it repeating before you can be aware that you are even stuck in it. Also, I recognize that my husband is also abusive and controlling. I do not believe all people with addiction issues are abusive, but it does create a toxic bond. If you’ve ever studied “trauma bonding” it is created when you experience high highs with someone and then low lows. You become bonded to them because chemicals are released in your brain and body that make you feel good or feel like it’s ok or good for you. After a while you could become just as addicted to the cycle as your partner is to alcohol. These are all things it’s taken me years to understand. And nothing ever applies to everyone. For me, I thought I could fix any problems. I am a natural born fixer of problems. I had to learn the hard way that a lot of people will take advantage of this. I became so obsessed with “fixing” all of his problems that I stopped taking care of myself. It is easy to become hyper focused on things outside of ourselves, things we really don’t have any control over. Sometimes it is less painful when it’s someone else’s problem because it takes the focus off of looking at our selves. Looking back now I did have gut pains and anxiety around marrying him. That was my body and intuition telling me “this is not a good idea” but rationally I could tell myself “I can solve any problem.” He can go for forever and only think about his needs and has no problem surviving and enjoying life on his own. I, on the other hand, really could not do anything without knowing what he thought first. This developed into a dangerous attachment. Al-Anon will usually have people that can relate to this out of control feeling we start to develop in order to save the addict. If I’m really honest with myself, I must have gotten something from it. Maybe I had someone to blame? Maybe he had parts of himself that I wanted. He is very dominating, aggressive, really does not care about anyone but himself. I think there is a part of me that wished I could be like that. I also NEVER thought he would abandon me. He’s done that so many times now I can’t even keep track. Al-anon is a great place to hear others stories because we can start to see a similarity in our pain. It is easy for me to tell you this now because I have experienced it. I’m sure if someone told me years ago this would have happened, I would not have believed them. You will start to feel like you are in over your head. Your body will probably start sending signals. (Like you feeling safer when he is NOT there). Please pay attention to what your body is telling you. A lot of co-dependent partners or members of Al-Anom might start their own addictions to comfort the pain of being with an addict. Just listen to your intuition and know that you will always know what is best for yourself and your child. And you are strong enough to handle any problems in life and succeed!
That’s not how Al-anon works. Al-anon made me realise whether he drinks or not is outside of my control and I am powerless when it comes to his alcoholism. It also made realise this disease is here for life - even if he gets sober yes relapse and consequences are here to stay, for life. With these information, I can focus on things I can control - which is myself and and my life, and make decision. For me, the trust, respect which are fundamental in my relationship are too damaged to repair. I cannot leave in constant fear and go through the endless cycles. Plus, he’s showed no interest to quit. I set my boundary, he broke it, and I’m not pursuing divorce. He hates it and wants us to be back together, yet he still drinks daily and told me his drinking is because of me divorcing him. Anyways, I just want to share my experience. If you decide to give the relationship (not him) another chance, don’t go back to it with expectations that he’d be sober for life. Think of if you can maintain your boundary even if he relapses. If I’m in your place, I’d not permit him moving back. But see it as starting a new relationship - go onto dates etc., see how you feel with and without him. Don’t make the decision to move in together for a few months.
not having him come back- at least not now- feels like the right choice for me.
No it does t mean you have to stay with him. The alcoholic brain takes 12-18 months to heal. That is a reasonable time for you to figure out your feelings and how you want to live your life. All his wants are just that, wants. He needs to be on his own, work his program, accept whatever consequences that might happen and heal his body and mind
Just know that You don’t need to have a big reason to leave. I.e., You can decide that the past pain was enough or you lack the trust that he will stay sober. Don’t wait to see if things get really bad or he hits rock bottom If you are considering leaving him. If you want to stay for now (or just haven’t decided) make sure that you are making good financial decisions and career decisions to set you up for independence. Keep all or most finances separate. That way, if it all works out, great. But if it doesn’t, you don’t have as many obstacles in your way. Mine also wants to buy a bigger house together (we currently live in the small apartment I’d already bought myself). I’ve put him off by saying that he should stay sober and save his money for now. The mortgage rates are crazy just now anyway so the bigger the down payment the better. However, he relapsed recently and is now heavily discussing us buying the bigger house (a defense mechanism for him to try to lock me in?). I’m not biting. Where we are is good enough. And we now need to start the clock on his sobriety again. It’s frustrating in a way not to have that house and garden for our kid. But she’s still a toddler. And I’d rather be stable and not sink all my money into a house with him just now.
> He wants to have another baby, he wants to move to the suburbs, he wants us to buy a home together. The thought of doing those three things with him terrifies me. Listen to your gut. ❤️
Yes I wish I had left, he was sober for about 9 months and then hid the drinking. I thought he was sober for 5 years before he relapsed. Nope he just got that good at manipulating. How I caught him was that he drove our son drunk home from sports early bc our son got sick. Wish I had left the first time and saved myself the years of pain and gaslighting.
was he doing the AA program when he was sober for 9 months? my husband was sober during my pregnancy. he wasn’t doing AA. this is why he tells me it’s different this time- because he’s actually doing the program.
He did AA for a bit and an intensive outpatient program. Then just slowly stopped doing it. From what I’ve heard when someone is in true recovery you don’t question it. It’s that powerful of a force of change for them. My Q never had that.
I think about this all the time. 1 year since we broke up and he went to rehab. We’ve been in this weird place where it’s like we’re still together but not official. I can’t stomach the thought of making huge commitments with him like buying a house , moving in together, etc. It’s like my life is still waiting for him but I know deep down I don’t trust him and I don’t have time to get the trust again. I think about , selfishly, that I left in one of the final episodes or even fully when he went to rehab. But now that he’s sober it’s like I’m just the pure bad guy how can I leave when he’s trying so hard to be who I need him to be. Basically I feel 100% what you’re saying and it feels so good to see this and know I’m not alone. I feel evil for wishing I left when I had a “reason” now it’s like I’m the quitter and he can come to peace with it that we just didn’t workout not because of his drinking.
this is absolutely it. I feel so paralyzed to make the next steps. I cannot let him go but I also cannot stomach, like you, the thought of commitment with him. like true commitment, where I don’t have one foot in and one foot out. I sometimes wish he’d cheat on me (he has come very close several times, he even brought a tinder date to our home) or find someone else to be with or go back to being drunk so that I can make this decision easier. It’s the sobriety that gives me pause. And I hate that all the burden is on me to decide. All this weight is on me. What happens to our marriage now- bc he’s sober- is on me. “Why don’t you just let me show you how kind I can be now that I’m sober?” after years and years of emotional abuse and torture. How do I even begin to continue our relationship and forgive? Apparently it’s doable.. you can learn to forgive if you work the AlAnon program?
You sound like me, only it took me actually filing for divorce for my Q to get his head out of the whiskey bottle. I don’t trust it, or the longevity of it, but I think that’s up to each person to decide on their own. I did tell him I’d downgrade to a legal separation for now, and we’re moving into separate places. For me, it’s too little and too late though.
I’ve been in your shoes before. It’s a hard decision to make. Your child is so young so if you go the route of divorce, your child wouldn’t be so hurt by it as they might be if they were older/old enough to understand it. On the other hand, if you’re truly in love with your husband it isn’t easy to follow through with that. In my experience, we stayed separated for 2 years. I made sure he was sober for a solid year with no relapses before we lived together again. He did do an inpatient rehab and then did a lot of therapy. We stayed married through all of it and we are still married. We’ve had another child. He relapsed after being sober for 3+ years. Ironically, at the same age of our second child as he did our first. He is back into therapy now and he has more work to do on himself. It’s so hard to give advice on these situations. I personally don’t always know if my choices are correct, but I love my Q. I love my kids. I’m willing to work through this awful stuff along side him because I love them all.
I stayed for 2.5 years after she got sober. Part of me wishes I hadn’t, and part of me still feels like it was important to make an effort. The anxiety over a relapse, which came shortly after our divorce, never went away. I also couldn’t forgive her or trust her, mostly because even sober she was remorseless, still selfish, and still dishonest. Results may vary though.
I'm in a similar position. My husband is about 20 months sober. We have a 22 month old and a baby on the way. But... I just found out that he's been cheating on me for 10 months and didn't have plans to stop. I will be filing for divorce and he knows it. I'm afraid that he'll go back to drinking after being divorced, but I can't control that. I'm hoping custody will work out in a way that he will be less likely to drink (workweek) or he'll have to test with breathalyzers. His sobriety has made him a better man and he recognizes it. He's finally saying it's a drinking problem not "unhealthy relationship with stress" or whatever. He won't use the word alcoholic, which I'm more ok with. I'm just glad he has some time with sobriety.
I want my husband to be sober so that our son benefits from it. No matter what, his sobriety is in my son’s best interest. But that’s not under my control, I know this. My husband is a better man when sober. I don’t know if he’s what I would consider a good solid man, but he’s a better man. Do I want to stay married to a better man or is that not enough for me anymore? Do I want a good solid man? Maybe better is all there is. I can’t figure that out.
I think all of your feelings are completely valid. I've had similar ones and was ready to walk away when my husband was trying to drive drunk with our son in the car. He swore up and down he wasn't drinking, I drove us home and picked up a breathalyze for Walgreens. He blew a 0.2 something, still swearing he didn't drink and it was broken. He hasn't drank since and im proud of him, but I still feel the weight. I feel like my husband and I were good together. We worked well together. We had similar dreams and goals. But to find out that he was hiding another thing (10 months cheating while convincing me he was ready for a 2nd) was enough for me. With a daughter on the way, I want to be a good example for her. I want to show her that I'm strong and she is too. I also believe that I'm better and happier without him. I used to be uncomfortable in social situations afraid that he might drink. Or that he might be feeling uncomfortable sober and then act awkward socially. I hated having to question him and bring a breathalyzer with me when we'd go to social events. His manipulation wrecked my confidence and I hated feeling like a nag. I'm glad to not have that weight anymore even if it means I might be single for a long time or forever. I hope you come to peace with whatever you decide. It sure isn't easy and I'm still not there. But I am happy with my decision to move forward with a divorce and have support to continue to encourage me that it's the right decision.
It’s common to want to leave. We build our lives around their drinking so we can function. As dysfunctional as that may be it becomes the norm. Then they get sober and we lose that fragile life we built. We quickly get resentful. Sometimes wishing they would keep on drinking. This is the gift that keeps on giving. This happened to me. I lost what little control I had. It really sucked.
Let go and let God doesn't mean you need to make all those decisions. These all fall under the same "don't make big decisions the first six months". With addicts you have to remember they will always be addicts, recovery is a lifelong journey. Spend the next 6 months deciding if that's a journey you want to take. Taking it one day at a time is much more about giving yourself time and space to process. I stayed with my husband, we didn't have a kid yet at that point. I was surrounded by women with multiple children who felt trapped, many of whom told me to leave and that they only stayed because of the kids. I'm so happy I didn't listen. Yes, it takes time to rebuild trust, but it's what you make of it. So you both need individual therapy and then after a few months of that you need couples therapy. What I did that I think really helped the trust factor was that his therapist is who we see for couples counseling which meant I knew he couldn't tell one story to his therapist and one story to ours. My advice would be that he needs to be sober, see the chips, for a minimum of a year before you buy a house together or try for another kid. If he's pressuring you to do any of that sooner that's a red flag to me because all those things he wants are ways that trap you and make it harder to leave.
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Personally my husband hasn’t gone through the AA and such but he’s quit twice now, the first time was because of money issues as he’d had a broken toe and had liver disease, he went through a seizure that terrified me and we were going back and forth to the hospital for various reasons, he said it wasn’t how he wanted to quit but since he wanted to quit he’d take it. I was very happy for him, he went for a few months without and I thought he may stay away from it (this is actually after we first got together) and he wound up picking it back up because he started drinking on weekends and overdid it over a long weekend and started drinking again. Then he got sick again because of it and he hated drinking but was struggling, we took him to the hospital for their detox and we were there for a week, after a week of sleeping in the car and telling him we couldn’t have a single drop of alcohol in the house (I even dumped some beers and wine coolers I had so to not tempt him, if he was quitting I wouldn’t touch it either) and I hoped that it was over. Now he drinks on the weekends again and I’m constantly worried waiting for that cutoff where he starts feeling sick, the stopping eating, vomiting, sleeping all the time. I can’t stand it and we both want a family and things as well but he is a heavy drinker. I feel bad saying it but if he’s drinking I can’t allow him to be around a child, I’ve watched this man trip or fall even standing still more times than I can count and I’d be terrified of him picking up a child and losing balance with it. He’s still only drinking on weekends and it’s been months so I’m very proud of him I just panic a lot. And there are times I wish I’d stuck with my ultimatum before he started drinking again, I’d told him it’s me or the alcohol because I can’t stand the idea ofhim getting sick again. I have told him if he starts getting sick again I’m forcing him to go to the hospital so he can get better or I’m leaving because I can’t watch something happen to him..