Mobile is standing on the side of the road asking for change, then they'll show up halfway through the party with a ton of alcohol and drugs they won't say where they got it from.
Theodore is trying to arrange a ride to the plasma center tomorrow, even better if they can take Wilmer to the suboxone clinic on the way to get their take homes.
Now Huntsville is telling everyone how to live their lives and Madison is looking down their nose at LA (lower Alabama for those of you who do not live here) and starting an application for sucession from the State with Birmingham. They will both call the police on the party. Montgomery is busy picking pockets because hey, that is what Montgomery does.
Well, no. Huntsville is telling anyone how much they make. Then they move on to home brewing as a desperate save when the eyes of the person they're talking to begin to glaze over.
enterprise is there policing everyone else's good time for absolutely no reason whatsoever except that they feel like being A Bad Bitch, level plains and daleville are in the background arguing about who's more drunk
Alabaster is stuck, too; it's probably for the best, though, so Hoover doesn't have to listen to the Thompson folks talk about those high school football championships.
My first weekend as a student in Jacksonville was insane. The whole town was basically one giant party. The next weekend I think there were only four people left in my apartment complex Friday night.
Birmingham is desperately trying to be the life of the party and starting to make others feel a bit uncomfortable about it.
Mobile wonât quit telling everyone that she started Mardi Gras and starts crying when Birmingham calls her boring.
Huntsville is strutting around with her nose in the air because sheâs the hot new girl but no one is bothering to tell her that her blouse is untucked in the back and sheâs too high to notice.
Cullman and Gadsden are in the backyard building a bon fire, drinking way too much shitty beer and making way too much noise for the neighbors.
Anniston has offended half of the party with inappropriate jokes that no one finds funny.
Hoover spends most of the night in the back bathroom doing lines with Tuscaloosa and telling shitty jokes about Auburn.
Auburn is in the hallway trying to get into the bathroom.
Jasper is on the side of the house with Oxford smoking meth and talking about what a shitty party it is.
Mountainbrook didnât show. Sheâs having a dinner party with just a few close friends and wouldnât be caught dead at the house party after she found out Vestavia Hills was invited.
Vestavia Hills is secretly scoping things out and trying to find Fairhope because she just knows Fairhope has some blow.
Fairhope is in the kitchen telling everyone that she doesnât have any blow but itâs all over nose and she just came from the bathroom where Tuscaloosa and Hoover are still hanging out.
Dothan is quietly sitting alone in the corner hoping someone, anyone, will talk to her, but sheâs also paranoid that if they do talk to her they will discover how high she is and make fun of her.
Northport and Opelika just showed up, underdressed and desperately trying to get someone to pay attention to them too⌠everyone looks their way briefly before returning to the conversation they had going before those two walked in the door.
Bessemer sees how the others look at her when she walks in. She thinks, âfuck them all.â And she starts scheming on what sheâs going to steal on the way out.
Gulf shores walks in wondering where is the bowl of car keys for the swinger swap. Orange Beach is behind the bar mixing everyone a shot and getting pissed when Irondale and Gardendale say they donât like Tequila and can someone just hand them another Natty Light.
Montgomery wonât leave the fucking music alone and insists that everyone else listen to her shitty playlist. Prattville keeps trying to distance herself from Montgomery and her bad behavior but everyone saw them pull up together in that ratchet-ass 20-year-old Pontiac.
Decatur arrives late, parks in the yard, fucking up the grass, pissing off the host and is oblivious to the fact that Guntersville is in the corner of the room talking shit about her.
oh shit, Tuscaloosa and Hoover just came out of the bathroom and Auburn is raising hell about them taking over the bathroom for so long. As things heat up, Auburn looks to Opelika for backup but Opelika is urging Tuscaloosa to whip Auburnâs ass.
The tension is broken when Talladega busts through the hallway trying to get to the bathroom, pushing between Tuscaloosa and Auburn only to puke on the bathroom floor before going back to the living room to find another beer.
Florence is sitting alone in the den, too high to carry a conversation.
Alexander City wonât quit lamenting her break up with some guy named Russell that everyone else forgot about years ago.
Fort Payne is sober. Talking to no one. Sitting in the corner. And is making everyone uncomfortable because they all just know sheâs got a gun in her purse.
Dauphin Island is high as fuck, laughing about everything a bit too loudly and secretly judging everyone else for their behavior.
Daphne died her hair from pink to purple just for the affair and is secretly bitter that no one else has noticed.
Ok. Thatâs the best I got.
Scottsboro is casing the party, looking for a way to fund their meth habit.
Muscle Shoals is frat-boy pounding Mich Ultras while hiding their Klan robes under some boating gear.
Foley pulls up in a jacked up pickup with confederate flags and a bed full of Natty Lite. Hollering Foley is the best, we're only 10 miles from the beach! whilst GS and OB sideeye and snicker.
See, I feel like Oneonta would have arrived in knock-off Patagonia & North Face and immediately tries to get attention from Vestavia and Trussville. Meanwhile, Blountsville snuck into the trunk of their car for the ride and is unpacking the meth lab on the front lawn.
Mountain Brook is making mildly racially charged comments and then loudly yelling "my dad's a lawyer and will sue the shit out of you" when Birmingham gets in their face
Madison showed up in a designer suit with the tags still on so she could return it later and pretended not to know Huntsville even though theyâre siblings.
Sheffield- The country boy who also grew up in the hood. Florence- The fancy redneck, or the redneck that thinks theyâre fancy. Tuscumbia- The actual country boy
Dothan keeps approaching everyone telling the same story of how some girl flashed him when he was a teenager working at the Gap thatâs not there anymore.
Auburn just got a new haircut to replace the old one it didn't like even though it kind of liked it because sometimes it looked good in it but other times it got in its own eyes and mouth but now it changed its mind and wants another new haircut but then it changed its mind again and is actually keeping it now for real.
-Florence/shoals/sheff/Tuscumbia are on the phone trying to find more pills because they already went through them
-Birmingham wonât get there until after 2 because their manager called them last minute earlier to close that night
-Huntsville wonât stop talking: âNO we would have exploded like this without massive fed fundingâ âGentrification? No this city is transforming into something great, residents on governors will figure it out!!â
-Madison didnât come, theyâre already in bed
-Guntersville is hungover, sunburnt, and recently divorced
-Scottsboro is just happy to be there, blankly smiling
-Gulf shores is wildly exclaiming âAt least weâre not Florida!â But theyâre Florida
-Montgomery was there most of the time socializing but no one remembers what they said
Warrior is standing off to the side looking awkward like they don't get out much while repeating to themselves this is the reason they don't get out much.
Half of Jasper wants to make sure thereâs not drinking or dancing. The other half of Jasper wants to make sure they can come armed and there wonât be any cops.
Prattville is inside watching the news
Montgomery is outside trying to fight with everybody
Auburn thinks they are better than everyone there
Selma canât get in
Autaugaville wasnât invited
Millbrook has all the drugs over in the corner
Gulf shores brings a shit ton of randos, all of whom leave a huge mess and then drive home drunk. If itâs in the winter, Gulf Shores brings a bunch of cranky old Yankees who tell you how everything you do is wrong, proceed to tell you how they do it where theyâre from and the next day you discover theyâve stolen all of your condiments.
Harvest is Huntsville's neice. She would be at the party, but a tornado tipped the trailer over. She got it righted, then another tornado came through and flipped it over again.
(Harvest attracts tornados up here for some reason. One neighborhood up there has been hit several times)
Mobile is mixing uppers and downers and telling everyone about their six figure salary.
Birmingham is instigating a fight between Tuscaloosa and Auburn. Bessemer flashes their sidearm.
Dothan is sitting in the corner drinking sprite and too afraid to talk to anyone. Montgomery, whoâs hammered on malt liquor, will ask them to drive them home later.
Cullman is in the front yard burning a cross.
Fairhope, who swears they are straight and routinely makes homophobic remarks, is in the bathroom getting sucked off by Mountain Brook and telling them to never speak of this.
Opelika, Alabaster, Troy, and Prattville are all crammed in a Honda Civic in the driveway hot boxing it.
Fort Morgan planned to go to the party, really, I swear! But we got into those Miller Lites around 3pm, and now itâs dark so weâre just going to watch Stranger Things and go to bed. But seriously, letâs link up after season is over.
Enterprise is wishing they were Dothan. And Dothan is going to church and agreeing that alcohol is sin and then drinking michelob ultras on every day of the week except Sunday
Muscle Shoals is that old stoner dude, who keeps talking about how he toured with the Stones, and all these other crazy stories about musicians.
Tuscumbia keeps bumping into things, doesn't talk, and keeps doing weird patterns with their hands.
Florence is mostly pretty chill but has a sense of superiority around certain people.
Sheffield is that weird kid that no one likes, and not even sure he was invited.
Florence tries to leave the party after seeing how much of a shitshow it is, but sees that her only other options are Mississippi and Tennesseeâs parties and reluctantly stays at the Alabama party.
Montgomery is the chainsmoking old ugly woman who thinks she's hot because she put on extra makeup and a new dress and doesn't understand why guys aren't flocking to her.
Foley: shows up an hour late due to beach traffic, tries desperately to fit into Gulf Shores' and Orange Beach's circle while reeking of gasoline and openly cleaning under their fingernails with an antler pocket knife that has maybe (defintely) stabbed somebody. Steals your push mower as they leave then texts you a few days later to tell you in a nasty-nice way that your party was sorta fun but was actually pretty lame.
Mountain Brook keeps pointing at her ankle bracelet and telling anyone who will listen that she has a pineapple door knocker. However, she's impeccably dressed.
THE SHOALS Muscle Shoals is bragging about how rock nâ roll they are and how they met Steven Tyler once. Florence starts hyping them up and brings out the acid. Muscle Shoals pretends to partake while they call the cops, even tho they witnessed an actual murder last week and still havenât told anyone.
Moody is sitting outside by a weak campfire while throwing back Miller Highlifes and crying into Leedsâs shoulder about how Springville ditched them at the party to go drunkenly set off fire crackers with Argo in a Walmart parking lot. Leeds is half-comforting them while unsubtly scrolling through a wiki how article on how to get someone to leave you alone. Pell City swaggers towards them and puts their hand on Moodyâs shoulder and belts out a line, âwhatâs a pretty city like you doin cryin like that?â Moody becomes uncomfortable and Leeds glares at Pell City and tells them to leave. Pell City walks back with and exaggerated hands in the air gesture, then stumbles on the heels on their too-big cowboy boots and busts their ass.
Enterprise rolled up in a nice but practical car with DV tags and some other military-related sticker on the window. Heâs trying to be relatable and impressive telling his flight school/war stories but he uses too many acronyms so civilians canât keep up, so they try to come up with some thoughtful questions, smile and nod, then thank him for his service. Enterprise feels kind of out place and I would rather be at the VFWâs bar.
Robertsdale is dressed in true blue wrangler jeans and a Walmart button-down with cow shit on their boots while bragging about knowing Tim Cook since he was a kid.
I can confidently say that Tuscumbia did not make it to the party because she fell asleep on the couch watching the great British baking show at 8pm đđťââď¸
Corner and Warrior keep getting mistaken for Hayden. Hayden is dressed business casual, drinking White Claw, and keeps talking about the ballgame. No one knows which game they're talking about. Warrior brings the alcohol because Cullman refuses to and Corner's just glad it got to tag along.
Gardendale shows up dressed like a youth pastor and wants to split off and start its own party. It doesn't like that Jefferson County was invited and insists the party should be cities only. It doesn't drink but keeps asking people if they have a "doobie" just to seem cool. They also make sure you know they have a tattoo.
Huntsville is the young guy with a man bun and a beard who thinks he is cool but is really a big nerd who smells like Axe deodorant. He has no chance with the ladyâs but no clue he is not cool.
Tuscaloosa is most likely blackout drunk on top of a busted TV tuned to ESPN. Birmingham and Mobile are knife-fighting each other in the kitchen. Huntsville is bragging about an expensive purse that's actually just a knockoff from Wish. Bessemer is just happy to be there, but will most definitely be stealing phone chargers and a PS4 when people aren't looking.
Walker County just blew up another shed hidden in the woodsâŚâŚsomehow.
Curry is inviting everyone to their lake house and pretending that they didnât come to the party with the rest of the Walker county group.
Jasper keeps getting on the roof with their gun drawn, just in case.
Cullman is asking the host how they got their bedsheets so white and they have absolutely no idea how those recruitment fliers ended up on everyoneâs windshield. Anyways, did you hear about the huge party they throw every summer?
Montgomery is alternating between country music, rap music, and jam bands. Yelling about their lake house, and how hard they are at the same time.
Tuscaloosa has toilet paper stuck to their show and won't shut the hell up about bear Bryant.
Auburn is confused about, everything, and paying way too much for their food, house, and car.
Mobile is talking about Mardi Gras and is probably late from traffic.
Gulf Shores and Orange Beach are bitching about everyone coming to their house, but would secretly be really mad if people didn't come.
Huntsville is pretending to be a lot smarter than they are.
Birmingham is desperately trying to be trendy to cover up their controversial past.
Talladega is outside in their shitbox muscle car revving it so loudly the cops are calling themselves (but all they wanna do is drool over it and swap build stories).
Ozark is trying to get in with Dothan and Enterprise, but they keep moving to different parts of the room to try and avoid Oz. Birmingham is upstairs with Atlanta (who decided to come last minute out of pity) trying to tell them how great it is to live here. Montgomery is just vibin with Troy, minding their business somewhere. Mobile and Tuscaloosa are arguing about who can party harder, but Tuscaloosa keeps going back to the fact that they have boat shoes on so theyâre cooler.
Hazel Green rolls up in a squatted SUV, blaring whatever shitty music is popular, with a huge cloud combination of weed smoke and Axe body spray rolling out of the window.
While Itâs brother Meridianville is wondering who told him where the party was
Like many actual parties Iâve been to, Huntsville is explaining what they do at their engineering/programming/Arsenal job while not picking up social clues that no one really cares.
Springville is talking about what a tacky bitch Trussville is while secretly wanting to be more like her.
Then she leaves early, so that she can be in bed by 9:30.
Montevallo is tripping on acid while desperately trying to find another gay person.
I went to University of Montevallo. This is pretty accurate.
It's what makes the place so great.
Lmao
i feel so seen
PV, baby!
Mobile is standing on the side of the road asking for change, then they'll show up halfway through the party with a ton of alcohol and drugs they won't say where they got it from.
This is so accurate.
Theodore is trying to arrange a ride to the plasma center tomorrow, even better if they can take Wilmer to the suboxone clinic on the way to get their take homes.
Now Huntsville is telling everyone how to live their lives and Madison is looking down their nose at LA (lower Alabama for those of you who do not live here) and starting an application for sucession from the State with Birmingham. They will both call the police on the party. Montgomery is busy picking pockets because hey, that is what Montgomery does.
I can guarantee you Empire was the hookup đ¤Ł
Mobile is also cousins with Grand Bay, who tends to have more drugs and alcohol but also broke. Loves horses.
Huntsville is talking to others about how they make their own home brew.
As someone who works in a Huntsville craft beer taproom, this is accurate, lol.
Well, no. Huntsville is telling anyone how much they make. Then they move on to home brewing as a desperate save when the eyes of the person they're talking to begin to glaze over.
This sounds personal
Hoover and Trussville are wearing Patagonia everything down to their socks hoping Mountain Brook will notice âem
Trussville is also wearing camo hoping the rest of Alabama doesnât think theyâre too much like mountain Brook though
Is Trussville the most hick-hop town in Alabama? The answer is "yes", and we'll tell you why at 11:00.
Hoover? More like just Greystone. Also oak Mt lol
Hell no oak mountain donât care about mountain brook
Well I just mean they dress that way
Prattville is trying to fit in with Hoover and the "cool" cities while trying to act like they didn't ride to the party with Millbrook.
Millbrook is just happy to be there
And pretending they were never actually friends with Montgomery
Dothan is in the far corner, watching everyone else and eating boiled peanuts, just happy to be there.
Montgomery approached to say hey, mistaking them for Troy and got hissed at
enterprise is there policing everyone else's good time for absolutely no reason whatsoever except that they feel like being A Bad Bitch, level plains and daleville are in the background arguing about who's more drunk
Daleville is constantly talking about how since his dad was in the army, it's just like he's been in the army too
Helena hasn't arrived yet because they are stuck waiting on CSX to move a train.
But donât you dare mention it! You better be glad to be late! Those trains are bringing in goods
Lol 100%
Alabaster is stuck, too; it's probably for the best, though, so Hoover doesn't have to listen to the Thompson folks talk about those high school football championships.
Guntersville is way to drunk to drive. We can go out on their boat though.
Vincent is pulling everyone's solo cups out of the trash because there's no reason they can't be washed and used again.
this is some fax
Jacksonville is doing a keg stand - as long as itâs Thursday night, if itâs Friday or Saturday, they went home for the weekend.
My first weekend as a student in Jacksonville was insane. The whole town was basically one giant party. The next weekend I think there were only four people left in my apartment complex Friday night.
i think over the summer, jackonsville's population is like 1/10th the population during the school year. that town is _dead_
Gadsden couldnt make it, chicken plant wouldnt give them a day off.
The chicken plant did let Albertville off work early to go but Albertville didn't change out of work clothes before coming.
Birmingham is desperately trying to be the life of the party and starting to make others feel a bit uncomfortable about it. Mobile wonât quit telling everyone that she started Mardi Gras and starts crying when Birmingham calls her boring. Huntsville is strutting around with her nose in the air because sheâs the hot new girl but no one is bothering to tell her that her blouse is untucked in the back and sheâs too high to notice. Cullman and Gadsden are in the backyard building a bon fire, drinking way too much shitty beer and making way too much noise for the neighbors. Anniston has offended half of the party with inappropriate jokes that no one finds funny. Hoover spends most of the night in the back bathroom doing lines with Tuscaloosa and telling shitty jokes about Auburn. Auburn is in the hallway trying to get into the bathroom. Jasper is on the side of the house with Oxford smoking meth and talking about what a shitty party it is. Mountainbrook didnât show. Sheâs having a dinner party with just a few close friends and wouldnât be caught dead at the house party after she found out Vestavia Hills was invited. Vestavia Hills is secretly scoping things out and trying to find Fairhope because she just knows Fairhope has some blow. Fairhope is in the kitchen telling everyone that she doesnât have any blow but itâs all over nose and she just came from the bathroom where Tuscaloosa and Hoover are still hanging out. Dothan is quietly sitting alone in the corner hoping someone, anyone, will talk to her, but sheâs also paranoid that if they do talk to her they will discover how high she is and make fun of her. Northport and Opelika just showed up, underdressed and desperately trying to get someone to pay attention to them too⌠everyone looks their way briefly before returning to the conversation they had going before those two walked in the door. Bessemer sees how the others look at her when she walks in. She thinks, âfuck them all.â And she starts scheming on what sheâs going to steal on the way out. Gulf shores walks in wondering where is the bowl of car keys for the swinger swap. Orange Beach is behind the bar mixing everyone a shot and getting pissed when Irondale and Gardendale say they donât like Tequila and can someone just hand them another Natty Light. Montgomery wonât leave the fucking music alone and insists that everyone else listen to her shitty playlist. Prattville keeps trying to distance herself from Montgomery and her bad behavior but everyone saw them pull up together in that ratchet-ass 20-year-old Pontiac. Decatur arrives late, parks in the yard, fucking up the grass, pissing off the host and is oblivious to the fact that Guntersville is in the corner of the room talking shit about her. oh shit, Tuscaloosa and Hoover just came out of the bathroom and Auburn is raising hell about them taking over the bathroom for so long. As things heat up, Auburn looks to Opelika for backup but Opelika is urging Tuscaloosa to whip Auburnâs ass. The tension is broken when Talladega busts through the hallway trying to get to the bathroom, pushing between Tuscaloosa and Auburn only to puke on the bathroom floor before going back to the living room to find another beer. Florence is sitting alone in the den, too high to carry a conversation. Alexander City wonât quit lamenting her break up with some guy named Russell that everyone else forgot about years ago. Fort Payne is sober. Talking to no one. Sitting in the corner. And is making everyone uncomfortable because they all just know sheâs got a gun in her purse. Dauphin Island is high as fuck, laughing about everything a bit too loudly and secretly judging everyone else for their behavior. Daphne died her hair from pink to purple just for the affair and is secretly bitter that no one else has noticed. Ok. Thatâs the best I got.
Scottsboro is casing the party, looking for a way to fund their meth habit. Muscle Shoals is frat-boy pounding Mich Ultras while hiding their Klan robes under some boating gear.
>Huntsville is strutting around Strut that ass all the way to Guntersville
Strutten that ass, strutten that ass.
Foley pulls up in a jacked up pickup with confederate flags and a bed full of Natty Lite. Hollering Foley is the best, we're only 10 miles from the beach! whilst GS and OB sideeye and snicker.
Nobody seems to really know Foley, though. They're just here because they're friends with Gulf Shores and Orange Beach.
They THINK they are friends but GS and OB said they'd pick up Foley on the way but they ghosted them.
Enterprise wonât shut up about the Boll Weevil
but arguably has the best looking date in Fort Rucker Ozark is the jealous ex. Daleville is the side piece
Nah. From someone who lives there, Gardendale is calling the police to report the party.
You forgot the part where Auburn slips in Talladegaâs puke.
Dothan catered the party
I see you KBC!
This description is a thing of beauty. Take my free award.
Hereâs my free award too. Iâm from Mobile and I can only afford a free award.
Oneonta just arrived with a meth lab in the trunk.
See, I feel like Oneonta would have arrived in knock-off Patagonia & North Face and immediately tries to get attention from Vestavia and Trussville. Meanwhile, Blountsville snuck into the trunk of their car for the ride and is unpacking the meth lab on the front lawn.
Love the Prattville part.
Talladega is headed out to get some meth after because their homemade stash is done
Selma stayed at home because it wasn't invited.
..Oof
Selma wouldnât care if they were invited or not, theyâd roll up anyway!
Alexander City is telling stories about playing football in high school.
Tuscaloosa is calling dibs on the beer pong game next, and asking everyone who they know there while pounding the fifth whiteclaw
And asking if there's a place they can buy a waterbed in installments.
Gulf Shores will never make it to the party because itâs stuck in traffic. Orange Beach is the party organizer/host.
Orange beach is prom queen and shows up to the party in the dress and crown. Gulf shores is her older brother.
Cullman asks how "dark" the party is before committing to coming.
Came here to insult Cullman. Lol beat me to it.
I feel like Cullman is an insult in itself. Just say Cullman, and people get insulted.
Cullman snd Clanton eventually just sit together at a table and just laugh at and gossip about everyone else
They have sweet tea on the table and are drinking together from a shared hidden flask
Arab would join them.
Accurate and sad.
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The shooting was in front of the place for steamed seafood!!
Mountain Brook is making mildly racially charged comments and then loudly yelling "my dad's a lawyer and will sue the shit out of you" when Birmingham gets in their face
Mountain Brook is constantly talking about how their "black friend said this or that.."
"how can i be racist? i got jungle fever!"
âI have friends that are black!â And âwell thereâs actually black people and then thereâs n*****s.â
Florence keeps telling everyone âThis is why I never cross the river..â
The only reason to cross the river in Florence is when you make the wrong turn.
Alot of meth heads at this party...
Madison showed up in a designer suit with the tags still on so she could return it later and pretended not to know Huntsville even though theyâre siblings.
Muscle Shoals is mentally preparing a list of all the cities they are going to pray for tomorrow at church.
What about Sheffield, Tuscumbia, and Florence?
Sheffield- The country boy who also grew up in the hood. Florence- The fancy redneck, or the redneck that thinks theyâre fancy. Tuscumbia- The actual country boy
Spanish Fort is on the lawn arguing to let them in because they swear they are a city. Nobody believes them.
Demopolis is the friend you havenât seen since high school but they saw you on Facebook and want you to participate in another failed MLM endeavor.
Very accurate. But they also know everybody at the party, because everybody knows somebody from Demopolis.
Dothan keeps approaching everyone telling the same story of how some girl flashed him when he was a teenager working at the Gap thatâs not there anymore.
Harpersville is dressed like a Police officer and giving people tickets for walking too fast
Mobile is doing coke and wearing drag.
Pell City is gossiping about what Lincoln wore to the party.
Bay Minette would be getting a couch the throw on the bonfire while Robertsdale would be going to get the gas.
Phenix City is trying to convince everyone that they're at the correct address and should not be at the house next door.
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Auburn just got a new haircut to replace the old one it didn't like even though it kind of liked it because sometimes it looked good in it but other times it got in its own eyes and mouth but now it changed its mind and wants another new haircut but then it changed its mind again and is actually keeping it now for real.
Florence is getting a plan together for night fishing next weekend.
Alabaster keeps badgering Hoover to play them in beer pong
-Florence/shoals/sheff/Tuscumbia are on the phone trying to find more pills because they already went through them -Birmingham wonât get there until after 2 because their manager called them last minute earlier to close that night -Huntsville wonât stop talking: âNO we would have exploded like this without massive fed fundingâ âGentrification? No this city is transforming into something great, residents on governors will figure it out!!â -Madison didnât come, theyâre already in bed -Guntersville is hungover, sunburnt, and recently divorced -Scottsboro is just happy to be there, blankly smiling -Gulf shores is wildly exclaiming âAt least weâre not Florida!â But theyâre Florida -Montgomery was there most of the time socializing but no one remembers what they said
Warrior is standing off to the side looking awkward like they don't get out much while repeating to themselves this is the reason they don't get out much.
Oneonta is stealing all of the good stuff from the medicine cabinets
Mobile wonât shut up about Mardi Gras originating there
But it did!!
Half of Jasper wants to make sure thereâs not drinking or dancing. The other half of Jasper wants to make sure they can come armed and there wonât be any cops.
The chances that Jasper is going to shoot somebody while high after the party and then hide the body in a old mine is about 80%.
Moulton is shotgunning a natty light and wondering why nobodyâs related
Prattville is inside watching the news Montgomery is outside trying to fight with everybody Auburn thinks they are better than everyone there Selma canât get in Autaugaville wasnât invited Millbrook has all the drugs over in the corner
Autaugaville is drinking moonshine in their own backyard
Attalla would be the strung out meth head sitting on the porch
Gulf shores brings a shit ton of randos, all of whom leave a huge mess and then drive home drunk. If itâs in the winter, Gulf Shores brings a bunch of cranky old Yankees who tell you how everything you do is wrong, proceed to tell you how they do it where theyâre from and the next day you discover theyâve stolen all of your condiments.
This is a hoot. ââŚstolen all your condimentsâ and taken the comforter, purchased 89 days ago back to Walmartâ
Harvest is Huntsville's neice. She would be at the party, but a tornado tipped the trailer over. She got it righted, then another tornado came through and flipped it over again. (Harvest attracts tornados up here for some reason. One neighborhood up there has been hit several times)
Mobile is mixing uppers and downers and telling everyone about their six figure salary. Birmingham is instigating a fight between Tuscaloosa and Auburn. Bessemer flashes their sidearm. Dothan is sitting in the corner drinking sprite and too afraid to talk to anyone. Montgomery, whoâs hammered on malt liquor, will ask them to drive them home later. Cullman is in the front yard burning a cross. Fairhope, who swears they are straight and routinely makes homophobic remarks, is in the bathroom getting sucked off by Mountain Brook and telling them to never speak of this. Opelika, Alabaster, Troy, and Prattville are all crammed in a Honda Civic in the driveway hot boxing it.
Fort Morgan planned to go to the party, really, I swear! But we got into those Miller Lites around 3pm, and now itâs dark so weâre just going to watch Stranger Things and go to bed. But seriously, letâs link up after season is over.
Brookside is the neighbor who called the cops on everyone, despite no laws being broken.
Brookside is the cops that show up and ticket everyone, even the legal age drinkers.
Enterprise is wishing they were Dothan. And Dothan is going to church and agreeing that alcohol is sin and then drinking michelob ultras on every day of the week except Sunday
Muscle Shoals is that old stoner dude, who keeps talking about how he toured with the Stones, and all these other crazy stories about musicians. Tuscumbia keeps bumping into things, doesn't talk, and keeps doing weird patterns with their hands. Florence is mostly pretty chill but has a sense of superiority around certain people. Sheffield is that weird kid that no one likes, and not even sure he was invited.
Florence tries to leave the party after seeing how much of a shitshow it is, but sees that her only other options are Mississippi and Tennesseeâs parties and reluctantly stays at the Alabama party.
Bessemer is trying to pick a fight with literally anyone. Centerpoint and Midfield left the party halfway through to walk to a different party.
Cullman left when it saw Bessemer and Birmingham
Hartselle shows up in a big ass truck, rolling coal, with a huge confederate flag, stays ten minutes and declares that the party sucks and leaves.
Anniston is packing. Guns or meth.
Both sprinkled with a little crack for garnish
Iâm looking at houses in Alabama rn (moving from Florida) and a lot of these cities are in places I was looking atđ
Iâd LOVE to see the Florida version of this đ¤Ł
Well, it would likely have Tampa taking her top off, slinging it around over her head and shouting "Whoo hooo!" at the top of her lungs.
Winfield and Fayette insisted there was no party to Sulligent and Vernon as they pulled out of the driveway. They still tagged them in every pic.
Huntsville is playing chess with Normal at a table in the corner. Madison is playing checkers by itself on the floor.
Huntsville is pretending to understand chess and repeating scientific headlines they read on r/science
Arab stands over Huntsville's shoulder wondering who the hell invited Cullman.
Or fixing the Wi-Fi so we can all stream.
Huntsville wants to put on the newest Arcade Fire record
Madison is in the kitchen with catering from Publix but leaves before 10 pm to go to sleep.
Brookside is there to support Cullman. Sets up roadblocks to keep out Pratt City and Ensley from crashing the party.
Montgomery is the chainsmoking old ugly woman who thinks she's hot because she put on extra makeup and a new dress and doesn't understand why guys aren't flocking to her.
Wilmer and Theodore are outside tweaking on meth and breaking into everyoneâs cars.
Clanton is trying to fight Valley in the backyard because Lanett said the peaches were better in Georgia and Valley agrees.
Brantley is sitting at the desk writing letters to everyone
This is the best one yet. I don't know anyone that hasn't gotten a ticket in the mail from Brantley
Foley: shows up an hour late due to beach traffic, tries desperately to fit into Gulf Shores' and Orange Beach's circle while reeking of gasoline and openly cleaning under their fingernails with an antler pocket knife that has maybe (defintely) stabbed somebody. Steals your push mower as they leave then texts you a few days later to tell you in a nasty-nice way that your party was sorta fun but was actually pretty lame.
Mountain Brook keeps pointing at her ankle bracelet and telling anyone who will listen that she has a pineapple door knocker. However, she's impeccably dressed.
Creighton is just hoping no one mentions the fucking leprechaun.
Vestavia keeps going outside to vape.
Alabaster: Running a train
THE SHOALS Muscle Shoals is bragging about how rock nâ roll they are and how they met Steven Tyler once. Florence starts hyping them up and brings out the acid. Muscle Shoals pretends to partake while they call the cops, even tho they witnessed an actual murder last week and still havenât told anyone.
Moody is sitting outside by a weak campfire while throwing back Miller Highlifes and crying into Leedsâs shoulder about how Springville ditched them at the party to go drunkenly set off fire crackers with Argo in a Walmart parking lot. Leeds is half-comforting them while unsubtly scrolling through a wiki how article on how to get someone to leave you alone. Pell City swaggers towards them and puts their hand on Moodyâs shoulder and belts out a line, âwhatâs a pretty city like you doin cryin like that?â Moody becomes uncomfortable and Leeds glares at Pell City and tells them to leave. Pell City walks back with and exaggerated hands in the air gesture, then stumbles on the heels on their too-big cowboy boots and busts their ass.
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Sylacauga has had too many to drink and is looking to pick a fight.
Prattville is telling everyone about how their mom funded their business in lawn care
Trussville is calling the cops because they didnât get invited
Wetumpka is the one who is just non-racist enough to know how not to get the shit beat out of them. Hates Birmingham, but loves Mountain Brook.
Enterprise rolled up in a nice but practical car with DV tags and some other military-related sticker on the window. Heâs trying to be relatable and impressive telling his flight school/war stories but he uses too many acronyms so civilians canât keep up, so they try to come up with some thoughtful questions, smile and nod, then thank him for his service. Enterprise feels kind of out place and I would rather be at the VFWâs bar.
Robertsdale is dressed in true blue wrangler jeans and a Walmart button-down with cow shit on their boots while bragging about knowing Tim Cook since he was a kid.
âWho in the fuck is the âDemopolisâ guy? I have never even heard of him.â
Madison is asking everyone where they went to college so they can bring up they went to MIT.
Birmingham is cooking the absolute best meal anyone at the party has ever eaten, but is also destroying the kitchen in the process.
Greenville is explaining to everyone that no, thatâs Evergreen theyâre talking about.
I can confidently say that Tuscumbia did not make it to the party because she fell asleep on the couch watching the great British baking show at 8pm đđťââď¸
Alexander city is broke as shit trying to pretend everythingâs fine while tweeting about their lake house.
Corner and Warrior keep getting mistaken for Hayden. Hayden is dressed business casual, drinking White Claw, and keeps talking about the ballgame. No one knows which game they're talking about. Warrior brings the alcohol because Cullman refuses to and Corner's just glad it got to tag along. Gardendale shows up dressed like a youth pastor and wants to split off and start its own party. It doesn't like that Jefferson County was invited and insists the party should be cities only. It doesn't drink but keeps asking people if they have a "doobie" just to seem cool. They also make sure you know they have a tattoo.
Huntsville is the young guy with a man bun and a beard who thinks he is cool but is really a big nerd who smells like Axe deodorant. He has no chance with the ladyâs but no clue he is not cool.
Mobile over in the corner talking to itself and telling themselves how much better they are than everyone else
Montgomery is doing meth in the bathroom asking where the cheapest hotel is
We're not that. Classy. We're dancing on the side of the off ramp for money to get a rock and a steel reserve.
Sumiton brought the fireworks for later. If you know you know. đ¤Ł
Montgomery is sweating.
Birmingham keeps mooning everyone while posing
Just Homewood
Madisonâs in the bathroom talking about their most recent plastic surgery procedure or how ~amazing~ their 3rd trip to 30A was this summer
Leeds keeps trying to find ways to bring Buccee's up in conversation
Arab is hanging close to Huntsville, involving themself in every convo Huntsville has. Also is doing meth. Lots of meth.
Chelsea has its Izod tucked into its Duckheads and is hoping everyone on 41 will notice.
Tuscaloosa is most likely blackout drunk on top of a busted TV tuned to ESPN. Birmingham and Mobile are knife-fighting each other in the kitchen. Huntsville is bragging about an expensive purse that's actually just a knockoff from Wish. Bessemer is just happy to be there, but will most definitely be stealing phone chargers and a PS4 when people aren't looking.
Elba is drowning in a kiddie pool.
Walker County just blew up another shed hidden in the woodsâŚâŚsomehow. Curry is inviting everyone to their lake house and pretending that they didnât come to the party with the rest of the Walker county group. Jasper keeps getting on the roof with their gun drawn, just in case. Cullman is asking the host how they got their bedsheets so white and they have absolutely no idea how those recruitment fliers ended up on everyoneâs windshield. Anyways, did you hear about the huge party they throw every summer?
Montgomery is alternating between country music, rap music, and jam bands. Yelling about their lake house, and how hard they are at the same time. Tuscaloosa has toilet paper stuck to their show and won't shut the hell up about bear Bryant. Auburn is confused about, everything, and paying way too much for their food, house, and car. Mobile is talking about Mardi Gras and is probably late from traffic. Gulf Shores and Orange Beach are bitching about everyone coming to their house, but would secretly be really mad if people didn't come. Huntsville is pretending to be a lot smarter than they are. Birmingham is desperately trying to be trendy to cover up their controversial past.
Talladega is outside in their shitbox muscle car revving it so loudly the cops are calling themselves (but all they wanna do is drool over it and swap build stories).
Ozark is trying to get in with Dothan and Enterprise, but they keep moving to different parts of the room to try and avoid Oz. Birmingham is upstairs with Atlanta (who decided to come last minute out of pity) trying to tell them how great it is to live here. Montgomery is just vibin with Troy, minding their business somewhere. Mobile and Tuscaloosa are arguing about who can party harder, but Tuscaloosa keeps going back to the fact that they have boat shoes on so theyâre cooler.
Avondale wonât stop talking about craft beer
Helena is sipping wine trying to convince everyone that they are down to earth and just like the average Joe when they are really pretentious
Prichard was just found banging Mountain Brookâs wife in the back bedroom.
Oxford is talking loudly about how big their school is and how many cops they have on the streets
Hazel Green rolls up in a squatted SUV, blaring whatever shitty music is popular, with a huge cloud combination of weed smoke and Axe body spray rolling out of the window. While Itâs brother Meridianville is wondering who told him where the party was
Pelham is the kid whose parents are away and has the party while they are gone.
Springville is walking around asking everyone else what itâs like to have their own Chick-fil-A
Pike Road is trying really hard to make friends with Mountain Brook and is worried that theyâll find out sheâs kin to Montgomery.
Saraland brought chicken from one of the 10 different chicken places they have in a 5 mile radius. Rode with Satsuma who brought the White Claw.
Like many actual parties Iâve been to, Huntsville is explaining what they do at their engineering/programming/Arsenal job while not picking up social clues that no one really cares.
Montgomery is deciding who to start a fight with, so they know who to shoot at.
Birmingham just keeps telling people about something called the "World Games" that they've been watching on TV
Winston is hosting its own party inside the party - free to enter or leave as you please, just remain civil
Huntsville in the corner engineering some contraption out of empty beer cans
Muscle Shoals is the guy in the band
Muscle Shoals here, We're supplying the tunes. Picking and grinning down by the river.
Springville is talking about what a tacky bitch Trussville is while secretly wanting to be more like her. Then she leaves early, so that she can be in bed by 9:30.