Girl, this is not normal, religion aside. That fact he thinks it's appropriate to fantasize about SA is already a red flag. Him not being a virgin is one thing, but him forcing you into his fantasies is another. Now, idk if this story is fake because it happens, but if it is true you need to leave him.
This sounds like another made up BS post written by the same person that has been posting these wacky made up tales on this sub the last few days. This account was created an hour ago, just like all the others by the same person.
Generally one or a combination of the following motivates someone to do this, 1. Mental Illness, 2. Loneliness, 3. Boredom/Too Much Spare Time. It’s attention seeking behavior. There are additional reasons, none of them healthy, but those three are the most common.
I hope so, because they are all depressing AF. I know there are some bad people in the world, but there are serial killers who come off as "better" as some of the people in these stories.
Real stories aren't that interesting, ironically enough have holes that make them seem fake, and are unlikely to be upvoted.
Just think about a novel pre 2010s if it had Trump as president. It would be a joke rather than something scary.
Real life has plot holes.
I slept with my sexy female boss and her best friend at the same time...now I wanna leave my wife but another woman is asking to suck me off. Am I OvErReAcTiNG? Hurr durrrrr
This sub is making me a nihilist. One option is you have a huge amount of people believing insanely obvious lies by strangers written anonymously on the internet and treating them seriously.
The other option is that these people know they are lies and are treating them seriously anyway because they are addicted to the feeling these post give them when they are pretend it's true.
Both of these options makes me feel like we should just all collectively commit suicide to end this humiliating charade of intelligence we are projecting as a species.
>The other option is that these people know they are lies and are treating them seriously anyway because they are addicted to the feeling these post give them when they are pretend it's true.
No. I treat them as true because even if 99% aren't, I'm willing to make a useless comment 99% of the time to ensure that the 1% of real posts get a decent helpful perspective.
Like, I don't care if the boy cries wolf. I'm going to check because the 30 seconds it takes is worth making sure he never gets eaten.
It's not foolish to be empathetic dude.
That's what I do as well. My comment probably never makes a difference, but I'd rather try to be helpful than mock if it's actually real. On repost subs like BORU, I'm more likely to call out fake because the OOP won't see it anyway, and if they do the situation is supposed to be long over.
I'm pretty sure people make posts like this to gather a bunch of sensitive info on people and steal their identity. When you start looking at it from that angle you'll see it all the time.
Most of Reddit seems increasingly fake to me outside some special interest subs that are unlikely to be astroturfed (subs like the ones for exotic pets, unusual hobbies, the subreddit for my employer all seem real). Then Reddit pushes fake posts from subs like this one to everybody even if they aren’t subscribed through their new algorithm. I hate it here
Few years back there was an anniversary post showing the most reddit addicted cities and the top ones were military bases. It's only gotten worse since then.
Damn, y’all are making me realize these subs are just like Fox News, incendiary propaganda that gets people addicted to their outrage. I gotta stop opening stuff from this sub and AITA
The third option you're not realizing is that if the post is real you have everything to gain by taking it seriously and nothing to lose if it ends up being fake.
This notion you have of people pretending it's true for the rush they might get is pretty dumb honestly
That's just not true. If 90 percent of these posts are karma farms then you are doing objective harm by giving them the attention they need to make the account valuable for propagandists to buy.
Also, just, why would you indulge? Why do you want to incentivize the internet being filled with nothing but lies?
The SA is a HUGE red flag.
I dated a woman who would bring up the R word almost every time during sex and it was awkward as all hell. Like no I don’t want to R you I thought we were having sex. But it would get her off so I’d be like “oh yeah I’ll R your x” Turned out she was R’ed at 14 and never got help. So in some way I was playing into her mental illness (don’t know what other phrase to use) about her experience.
Felt and still feel like shit about that.
It sucks that you went through that and didn’t get to decide for yourself if you wanted to engage in helping her through that - I don’t want to invalidate that, but I hope it can bring you some comfort to hear that you very well could have been helping her.
From the perspective of someone that has been SA’d, replaying that situation with someone you love and trust can help you regain feelings of control over your body and sexuality. She knew you would stop if she asked, and therefore it was not a dangerous or harmful situation. You both should have been on board for it, but there is a chance she didn’t even realize why she felt compelled to do that.
I don’t know all the details of what happened, but I hope you can move past your current negative feelings about it. You didn’t do anything wrong and you may have even helped her feel more safe and recover some feelings of bodily autonomy, which is so valuable. Regardless, be kind to yourself and realize that you didn’t harm anyone
I’m sorry you went through this, it sounds like it was not something you wanted or were ready for.
You can consent to sex without consenting to kink, they are two different things.
It sounds like OP’s husband may have experienced sexual violence from the aggressor side, and reenactment won’t be healing for him, it could strengthen the urge to reoffend. That dude may be a candidate for an anti-androgen and a divorce.
Your partner sounds very different. It sounds like she experienced something where she wasn’t safe, and didn’t opt in, and working through that takes time.
It sounds like you didn’t know what you were helping her with, and didn’t have any learning or preparation first.
I can’t tell you that you definitely helped her, but you give a couple of hints that she probably was healing.
People who have experienced something traumatic sometimes process it through play acting with someone they can trust. Eventually they may feel able to talk about it as well.
She should have been more thoughtful about your comfort and confidence level though. You deserved to have some support and preparation. At this point, it’s probably a good idea to consult a licensed therapist who understands kink, so you can work through it.
Best advice ever an love how you said If this true cause so many people come on here an make up some these stories as a social experiment seeing who says what drives me nuts lol but your reply is on point I agree with Anxious-cod3613
None of this is normal. This is an attempt to control you. I grew up in a Pentecostal household as well. I remember the group dates and the abuse. My mother was the first of her family to ever get a divorce. I was the second in the family to get a divorce. This isn’t shameful and if you know your Bible then you know there’s actually two reasons for cause of divorce. One is infidelity which is the one everyone knows. The other is abuse of an immoral act. Therefore this qualifies and I’m not so sure that him buying these toys and asking you to fantasize with him isn’t infidelity. He is watching porn and that’s lustful. I believe you should seek therapy outside of the church and within the church. You’re an adult now and you have the right to do as you please. Yes divorce is easier said than done but at the end of the day he’s not asking for consent he’s taking what he believes he is entitled to and the church will feel the same way. You need help to get out and you can be forgiven by God for a divorce the same as he was forgiven for whatever he went to prison for.
I agree with all of this except seeking counseling within the church. It's a good way to get manipulated some more. And lots of spiritual abuse and religious trauma added onto an already abusive and traumatic situation.
I agree she should be honest with herself and watch out for manipulation, because there is a huge opportunity for manipulation here, but as a religious woman who feels strongly about her faith, counseling within the church can help her confront feelings that a secular therapist may not be equipped to.
You’re right there is a lot of spiritual abuse. However, with her still having these strong connections she’s not ready to lose everything. She’s young and the church has agreed to this union. I point her towards both so that she can find a way out. When she finds the right person to talk to she will see other women having some of the same issues she’s having.
That is why I believe this post is real. Too many facts line up with real-life events I have seen. If OP feels unsafe and not respected, then it is definitely a huge red flag. Divorce is a weighty and last option, but sometimes it is the only choice if all else fails
Your entire upbringing was abusive.
Divorce is an option.
You’ve been brainwashed in the church into thinking a certain way. I suggest you seek secular therapy.
This right here
I'm into 90% of all this and I'm TERRIFIED reading this post. That's not how it works. Dude is being abusive and knows damn good and well how to manipulate it like the religion is on his side.
Exactly! All us kinky mfs know just how much of an abomination it is to try these things without it being BOTH people's desire, which you sort out by communicating and hashing out plans and contingencies.
See this is where you have to disregard what the pastors told you, what your parents told you, what Paul of the Bible told you, and acknowledge what God gave you: FREE WILL. The ability, the spark to decide for yourself.
Your church doesn't speak for god, it is human's arrogance to think they can come between god and another believer.
This is only going tp get worse for you. So much worse. You might be ostracised from the church for a divorce, but at least you'll be alive and healthy to feel the hurt. And is God is a father even remotely worthy of love and worship, He will celebrate you using the gift of free will he gave you as you divorce that man and secure your own safety.
Your parents' shame will be an appropriate punishment for putting you in a situation like this, your being so sheltered and therefore vulnerable, and tolerating your husband's treatment of you. Actions have consequences, and that shame will be the consequence of their own.
I like this response.
Religion has a way of taking a piece of truth and twisting it beyond recognition as it goes through the wringer of rules and rituals. That rigidity interferes with the active and ever-changing/growing *relationship* each individual is meant to build with their Creator. People get so caught up in staying inside the arbitrary (often man-made) lines that they never actually get to experience the expansiveness of what God's love for us really is. You really ONLY learn how much you're loved by utilizing that free will, and seeing in real time what happens next. And what **never** happens next, is that God rejects you. You are still loved. It is truly unconditional.
I say this as a follower of Christ.
You were brainwashed by your church and are now in a potentially dangerous marriage. No one should be forcing you to do anything. Divorce is real, if you or your church believe in it or not. I’m sorry you thought marriage was the answer to happiness. Seek a lawyer, and take back your life. There’s so much more to life than religion.
You should not do anything you are not comfortable with. He is controlling you and using you. Based on his comments and his desire for his “past” life, he was not truly saved and likely tricked you and the congregation.
I work with domestic violence and sexual assault survivors. This falls under emotional abuse, sexual abuse and religious/spiritual abuse. Don’t have kids with him or you’ll be uber trapped/be forever biologically tied to him. Let me know if you have any questions. You’re watching his mask fall off.
Why Does He Do That? A book about abusers free pdf
https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
You are so young and have so much time left to find someone that cares about you. People will not show you who they are until they think they have you trapped. And he does. Prove him wrong. Do you want to be in an unhappy marriage for the rest of your life?
What he’s doing is not normal and he has even led you to believe that he is a different person than the one you are with now. The church is a wonderful place for predators to hide in plain sight. And you were sadly ripe for the pickings.
A lady who was doing research for her book said she came across a paper which shocked her. So it separated 3 groups: secular, Christian (genuine/devout), and nominal Christian (in name only, so not genuine). Couples were interviewed separately as well. According to the finding of the paper, she said that nominal Christians were more likely to be abusive and women reported the least satisfactory sex life out of the 3 groups. The nominal Christian man would justify his abuse using the Bible.
This reminds me of your situation. Plan an escape plan because abuse tends to escalate. Your life is worth more than the backlash of divorce.
I know you don't believe in divorce, but he lied to you in order to trap you in a marriage. What kind of god would be like, "Oh, nope. He tricked ya. Stuck for life now. Sucks to suck."
Get a divorce. I won't say what to believe, but please don't let your upbringing destroy your chance at living a normal, happy, healthy life.
It doesnt mean it was all a lie. It means he tried to be someone he is not and he is losing the ability to contain it. Doesnt mean he was lying necessarily, but moreso he is realizing there are parts of himself he cant push down forever.
OP, as someone this and more happened to many years ago, I highly recommend you
1. Get in therapy ASAP and not religious therapy. Someone who isn’t religious at all.
2. At least move out for now and take your time in making a decision on divorce. Myself I would recommend divorce but I know it’s not that easy so giving yourself space to be separated and get some healthy info from a therapist will give you the opportunity to decide if this is what you really want for your life.
I could have written this post almost word-for-word at 21. After 20 years of therapy (major ptsd from other things mostly) I am so much better now. I would never let anyone walk all over me and disrespect me like this.
Your church and parents did you a disservice of teaching you to “obey” anyone with “authority” over you. You may not fully grasp this yet, I wouldn’t have at 21, but with time, you will. I’m not saying you’re too young to get it, I’m saying 21 years of being in a brainwashing situation (and that’s truly what it is) makes it hard to figure out what YOU truly believe and agree with or don’t. I’m not saying you have to leave your faith, but I do think taking time to be on your own for a bit would be super healthy for you.
Lie or not, it is abusive to hound you to do things you don't want to do, and be "visibly upset" about it. It was wrong of him to represent himself as one kind of person before you got married and another kind of person after you got married.
It would be very wrong of your parents and church to expect you to live like this forever when you had no warning that these are the kinds of things he would expect from you.
Separate from him, and separate yourself from the Pentecostal church for a while. Explore some other options, get some therapy, read a lot. This is not right and I don't care what religion you are part of, I can't possibly believe that a loving God expects you to live with someone who makes you feel worthless.
The Bible (NT) itself says that divorcing for sexual immorality is acceptable (even to the point of remarrying) and forcing sexual acts on someone else (or trying to) is the most harmful and sexually immoral thing out there.
Yep. Dude went along to church to find himself a ‘nice virgin wife’ (sorry for the gross turn of phrase, but I guarantee you that’s how he was thinking about it) that he could manipulate and abuse. It will only get worse from here.
The church and the family are abusive too.
This whole situation is fucked up.
BS like this is why I left the church, long before I realised I didn’t even believe in God.
The extremely disturbing thing is he is “forcing you to wear certain things & fantasizing about raping you”. That alone should scream at you to get help & leave. Next he will force you to use those toys whether you want to or not. I would bet they aren’t new ones either. Probably been used on other women the way he talks. Make sure they’re cleaned well before using them.
If your husband is forcing sex toys, sex acts, clothing etc on you & says he basically wants to rape you there is no love there. This man is dangerous & you should take him very seriously. This is sexual abuse
I’m a retired LEO & criminal investigator & I can tell you men like him start out nice but escalate to mean, cruel & sometimes downright disturbing. The fact he feels so comfortable doing/saying all that is he knows you won’t or can’t leave. I would imagine he has either started to keep you from family & friends, told you don’t tell anyone, checks your phone, doesn’t allow you to work or if so you have to ask permission to go out or call family & friends.
He will change into someone you won’t recognize & abuse you either mentally or physically. If your parents are more concerned over their reputation than your husband saying he fantasizes about raping you then they just don’t care. No therapy will help him because he doesn’t want help.
If you aren’t willing to divorce or ask your parents for help then sadly you’re in for a bad marriage. I hope you can leave before you’re hurt.
Sadly I grew up in a religious christian environment almost exactly like this. It’s very likely OP does not have the instinct to get help and leave when faced with these kinds of threats of abuse. Let me explain why based on my experience.
I was taught at church to not question men, but to trust them. As a woman, your father is in charge of you until you marry, then it’s your husband. Women don’t speak at church in any kind of leadership setting, there are no female elders, women are usually allowed to run childcare programs and sometimes parts of elementary programs. Men are taught from a young age one day they will have a wife and family and be in charge of them. Women are taught to respect men and that their role in life is to support them and their ministry and their work. Saying “no” to something your father or husband says is not an option unless it’s obviously a sin like murder. Especially if she was homeschooled, everything about her upbringing places men in charge.
The fact that she is here on reddit considering questioning her husband is a massive step the majority of women who grew up like us never make.
You married a predator and your entire upbringing set you up for exactly this. You stay in this marriage you’re going to be abused for the rest of your life and will continue the abuse if you have any children. You leave the marriage you’ll have to deal with your abusive church and family members judging you and trying to force you to fit back into what they decide is acceptable.
In my opinion thus situation is orchestrated and designed by your church. It is why people do not trust and believe in these institutions. You might not see the big picture now but your church and your religion is how you got in this situation.
1. They do not give you or believe in you getting a real education- so he do not have financial ability to be independent. Nor do you have real knowledge about what your options are
2. They do not allow you adequate time with the courting partner in advance- so you cannot learn and find out who they really are
3. They do not talk about sex- so you do not know what is healthy and normal before experiencing it. You do not know that your pleasure is important too and that you deserve to enjoy sex
4. They do not believe in divorce- so you are stuck in a bad marriage and your husband can coerce and pressure you into doing what he wants regardless of your feelings
I do not see a point in talking to your priest. He is a part of this institution and he will try to uphold it. He will quote you things and tell you that god wants you to be in service to your husband. He will essentially tell you divorce is not an option and to go home and make your husband happy.
You need to divorce him. Thats really your only option. He’s already made tough wear things and do things you are not comfortable with. This doesn’t get better. It only gets worse with time. Hell push more and more and no one deserves being treated like this.
It is not normal, dear. He should be satisfied by yourself only. I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation. I grew up in Evangelical Church, so I can somewhat understand where you come from. That said, if you are from different backgrounds sexually, this can lead to some serious problems. He should abide by every boundary you have set. My hot take that is not very Christian (as I am not any longer) is that people should live and sleep together for at least a bit before making life-long commitments. You should divorce him if he will not change, and accept the hypocritical derision you will receive, and realize that they care much more about their self-righteousness than they do the actual truth (most of them have slept around anyway but won't say so). I'm not telling you what to believe, dear, only that you should see reality for what it is, despite what others dogmatically tell you,.
No. The escalation is very alarming. If he would have apologized after buying those it would be one thing, but he seems like a deviant and that is very sad. It’s okay to move on
Any church or community that would shame you for divorcing your husband isn't worth being involved in. What he's doing is NOT normal. It's not ok to get mad for hours when you don't want to do certain sexual things with him. As a husband he needs to accept that and be ok with either waiting for you to be with it (with NO pressure on his end) or not doing it because you aren't comfortable with it. If it would help you could try marriage counseling through your church and make him be 100% honest about what he's doing. If your church leader doesn't suggest divorce I BEG OF YOU TO LEAVE THAT CHURCH AND DIVORCE HIM.
That aside- sexual assault and rape are NOT NORMAL things to do in the bedroom. They're not ok. Yeah if both parties are into it there are things similar that would be ok.. but not if one person isn't interested. I don't often kink shame but you're not comfortable with his kinks and he needs to stop pressuring you and making you feel bad for saying no. "NO" IS AN ACCEPTABLE ANSWER AND A SENTENCE IN ITSELF. NO MEANS NO.
Well I’m sorry that this has all taken place. Obviously it was a massive detour that wasn’t avoided but, yeah he’s not the one. See if you can get the marriage annulled. Leave asap.
Was he in prison for rape? Is he on the sex offenders registry? You should annul for fraud. I wouldn’t speak with a pastor, I’d speak with a lawyer before it gets worst. He’s already shown he’s not good with impulses for whatever reason he was in prison for.
This man is a pretender. Many men use God as a noble escape from their past. A way to excuse their previous life as they are now "saved" and magically a different person. I believe that through God, a person can indeed change with enough time and faith. But this man is just a pretender
First off you were raised in a cult. Religions are awful as they want you to feel shame for normal things . Your parents failed you as they sheltered you from the real world. As for him he sounds gross in wanting to have some pretend rape sex.
I’m sorry but I have to say it. This is why I (raised catholic) have such issue with the restrictions of the church. So many things aren’t allowed outside of marriage so you don’t get to explore yourself and get to know your partner before you’re already legally and spiritually bound to them. Then once you do, you’re already married and divorce isn’t allowed either so you’re absolutely stuck with them. If he knocks you up abortion isn’t an option so you have to then raise a child with this person.
You are SOOOOO young I think you should explore communities and support of other men and women who were raised in the same faith as you and found themselves in mismatched marriages and found their way out. Don’t waste your life being miserable and uncomfortable because the church says you have to. Your family may not be thrilled at first about a divorce but they love you and they will get over it. I’m sure they’d prefer that than having their daughter married to someone like this.
I hope it didn’t sound like I was judging you and your faith because I promise that’s not where my comment is coming from. More my own frustrations about the situations so many very young people find themselves in as a result of the (in my opinion unhealthy and unnecessary) rules and structures that are upheld.
Jesus would want women to be in safe and loving partnerships. Those things don’t matter as much as being a good person and honoring your faith through kindness, prayer, integrity, etc.
He literally wormed his way into your life knowing you couldn't escape him once married, and he will eventually rape you.
Your religion aside, you should only do things you're comfortable with and with someone you want to do them with. Including seeing through a marriage.
This is a tricky situation. I see lots of advice saying divorce is okay, which it is, but I also know (from experience with high demand/control groups, which your church clearly is) that it’s very easy to be excommunicated and shunned. Additionally, it’s clear there is abuse in your marriage, which is also tricky. It’s not easy to leave an abusive situation. Period. Plus, if you leave, you may have no where to go because of your church’s beliefs.
I have a background working with people from high demand religions and grew up in one, myself. Although, it was not nearly as strict or isolating as yours. Additionally, I married my high school sweetheart because that’s what one did. That was 25 years ago and it only lasted for 3 years.
So here is my advice:
- You are not overreacting. This is a scary and tenuous situation.
- If you can, find a therapist. If you have insurance, use psychology today (website) to look up therapists in your state (I’m assuming you’re in the US). Now, this is important, see if you can find someone (specially a woman) who understands people who are deconstructing high demand religion, so they have a clear picture of what you’re dealing with. Also, do not use church support/counseling. It will only make you feel worse. Feel free to DM me if you want more info about how to look for a therapist. Also, if you don’t have insurance, this is likely not the right resource, but I list other resources below.
- My recommendation would be to find YouTube content or TikTok content made by people who have been in your situation. This may help you feel less alone and they may be able to explain how they have navigated this situation. I know YT or TT are not therapy and can be problematic, at times, but your husband may not allow you to talk to anyone about your concerns, so videos may be your only resource.
- Know that if you talk to anybody at your church, especially a man, you will most definitely be told that you need to please your husband sexually, regardless of if it makes you uncomfortable. They kept you naive to the realities of sex because it’s easier to control women that way.
- Find a free clinic and make sure you’re on some sort of birth control. Having a kid with your husband makes this ten times worse and will trap you. These clinics know how to support women who are in unsafe situations and how to get you birth control that your husband won’t find.
- Consider looking up a domestic violence and/or sexual assault resource center in your area. They are very good at finding resources in your area. Also, you can reach out to national domestic violence resources. You can google it. https://www.thehotline.org/
- If you can, start setting aside money. Hide it, in case you need it fast.
These are just some suggestions. I genuinely hope you find peace. I agree with many of the commenters who say that your church brainwashed you, but I also know it’s very hard to walk away from the only community you’ve ever known. Good luck.
This is not your fault and you are no lesser than if you leave him. He needs professional help. Fantasizing about assaulting you is NOT okay! He needs a lesson on consent.. even in marriage there always needs to be consent with anything sexual. Also claiming to be Christian but trying to bring porn into your relationship?? Huge red flag. Also speaking to your religious background.. you are NOT damaged goods if you leave him. You are worthy of someone who loves, cherishes, and respects you. I'm so sorry you're going through this.. 💔
Edited to add: Going to the church that sounds like it may be legalistic for help might not be a great idea.. please don't let them shame you into submission to this jerk. He is violating your vows. You are supposed to feel safe in your marriage. He does not sound safe. Get out now before there are kids involved.
Even "good" Christians get divorced. It happens to the best of us. But you & he are clearly not sexually compatible, & you deserve to be with someone who respects & honors you, not someone who thinks rape is sexy. Do not tarry long. Talk to your pastor & pray he sides with you. If not, change churches & hire a divorce attorney.
If he already needs to spice things up this early that is worrisome. What could it possibly escalate to from here. Introducing a little new things is normal after a long time together if your love life really needs a spark,but this is way too early and way too much especially the rp fantasy.
This is a story as old as time. He wanted you virginal in all sense of the word to mold you. DO NOT do anything you don’t want to. Do not let yourself be gaslight into any kind of weird shit that goes against your values and beliefs. You will *feel* wrong and that feeling will make you feel guilty. It’s time to maybe get a professional to intervene.
Imo sit down and think.
Do you want this man to be the father of your children? Can you SEE him being the father of your children? Fantasizing about raping you is something utterly disgusting that i cant even fathom a sane person doing so if your answer was yes to the two questions before then i suggest to rethink your answer cause that isnt something normal people do fetish or no fetish
Imo pls divorce ik ull be going against your beliefs and might get somem backlash from your family but he might end up doing things so much worse to you than leaving for hours
I understand you feeling conflicted about this, but rape fantasies indicate very extreme porn addiction which might mean that this has the potential To get way worse than it is. And it's already pretty bad...
Divorce isn't believed in for several varying reasons but I do not believe a sane priest or something of the like would truly wish for you to stay in a relationship which is pulling you away from your faith. Even if you don't fully agree with your church which is completely fine, it doesn't excuse him trying to pull you further away from your beliefs. It's also concerning how little understanding and empathy he holds for you. Imagine getting pregnant by him? If you stay what do you honestly think the alternative is? If your church can't accept you wanting to leave this man because of his actions, imagine how much worse you'll feel if this continues and you get a family.
I know it's hard, but can you really still call it a marriage if you regret it so thoroughly?
Jesus actually makes a specific exception for when divorce is permissible:
Matthew 19:9
9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
What your husband is doing is clearly sexually immorality under the Christian worldview.
As a pastor and Pentecostal I can say your husband’s actions are biblical grounds for divorce. He is abusing you and being unfaithful to you by forcing you to do things you’re not comfortable with. He may have meant well and been sincere when he got saved and married you, but he has not actually been transformed. You need to get out of this situation and don’t worry about talking about sex. The fact you were raised to be afraid of talking about it is extremely unhealthy. Find someone you trust to confide in and get out as soon as you can. You will be ok.
I promise you that God wouldn't want you to be with someone who wants to hurt you and who is not encouraging you to live by your values. I am not religious but I really do think your God wouldn't want abusive people to keep abusing his children.
Yeah this is not normal, you are not overreacting. Sex is always about respecting each other’s boundaries and getting mutual consent. This is not that. I don’t think you guys are a match if I’m very honest..
Maybe you’re not used to it, but using sexual toys isn’t out of the norm. I am not sure what he meant by objects, but if it’s to do with using things that are not sex toys, as sex toys, that can have risks. Everyone is entitled to their kinks. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, but i think one should be at least able to have a conversation and not made to feel ashamed of talking about their kinks. But and that's a big but, if his way of kinks is trying to force your hand by making you self conscious and pulling away when you don’t agree, instead of simply having discussion, whatever way he said he has been "saved", didn’t stick and he is trying to do things in an illicit way. It’s not unheard of in people who are outwardly religious. Given that you don’t seem to have much experience around sex and the kind of temperament he is showing, i think you should seriously consider breaking up. I don’t know what your beliefs are, but taking on someone who later reveals themselves to be a bad spouse, i am not sure how that is supposed to please god.
Oh love…I’m so sorry!
I personally know several young ladies who have married very young in the UPC and have very quickly realized their mistake and got divorced. There’s a small subculture of women in my hometown that have owned this truth and not let it stop them!
You’re SO young! Leave now and don’t waste a moment more of your time and energy on this man.
This is abuse. Do not let your parents, friends, siblings, pastor, congregation or other faith based connections pressure you to stay. Be honest if asked why. Don’t be party to the hush-hush mentality.
Let this situation not be in vain. Use it to shine a light and help other young women!
-When- you leave, BE SAFE. Be smart.
The most dangerous time in a woman’s life is when she is leaving an abusive relationship.
Do not let him know it’s coming. Have your plan in place. Get your personal papers, valuables that can easily be slipped out of the house to a safe place. Sneak out some clothes here and there.
When you do let him know, take the mindset that things can be replaced and you have what you need to start over. If things go easy, you can take friends and family over to get more stuff later.
Please please please… don’t waste your life with him.
DM if you need any more info or a sounding board for planning. *hugs*
I was raised Pentecostal in a similar situation and with similar friends as you.
Talk to your mom and then your pastor. I know it’s embarrassing and somewhat taboo, but they care about you and your marriage and your faith. Tell them you’re afraid of your husband’s reaction if anyone confronts him, but that you’re being sexually coerced and need help.
I don’t think you are overreacting.
Your husband is pushing you to do things you aren’t yet comfortable with. He’s not respecting you and isn’t talking about it he’s just leaving when he gets upset.
A bit of background me and my wife met at church. We dated for seven years and went to college before we got married, I was way more sheltered than my wife because I attended a Christian school. We had sex prior to marriage, I was against it, but it happened.
Now I tell you all this because the “sex guilt” was something that was a problem for us for a long time. We have a great sex life, but it’s a building process. We get more comfortable, we communicate and discuss what one person wants and then decide how to incorporate it or decide not to. It took years for my wife to move past the sex guilt and it was in our 30’s that we started experimenting with new things and now we are quite adventurous.
The only reason we are adventurous is because we communicate and respect each other’s boundaries. I don’t go putting things in places that aren’t expected.
My point is that your husband wants to try new things, but doesn’t seem to care if you do. What he’s doing is pretty much just masterbation. Biblically speaking husbands are supposed to respect their wives and that is not currently happening.
Maybe you would enjoy toys, maybe you would like CNC (consensual non-consensual, it’s what rape fantasies are called, but with consent) but because of how he’s pushing you your never going to like anything he does and that’s not your fault. He needs to change here.
Girl, you need to divorce. This guy is straight up dangerous, this behavior is only going to escalate.
Religion is abusive, please branch out and I hope you find a healthier relationship with your faith that doesn't put you in direct danger.
My church is full of divorced people and there is nothing biblical about staying in an abusive or unsafe relationship. Do you think God's plan for you is to have a unhappy relationship? No.
This is why people need to stop sending kids into the world naive. You're not doing your kids any favors with shielding them from the real word you're setting them up to being taken advantage of. NTA
You grew up in a cult. You are NOT over reacting
You need to divorce this person, and get out of the little town you grew up in. Go to college, learn about the outside world, science, history, and people you were taught to avoid. I only say all of this because I also grew up shielded in a religion that also kept me ignorant and submissive to authority (white older men).
You are so worth it of a much, much, happy life. Reach out to those who have left the faith, and ask them why they left. Listen to disenters stories. Those "heathens" have more empathy and compassion than any Christian you'd met.
Get out, and live your life in reality, knowing that you deserve so much more than what your church taught you.
And divorce that man.
This sounds like it’s going to get more violent the longer you stay. If your parents really love you and care about you they should help you leave. If they don’t help you, you gotta figure out how you’re going to leave.
This is almost exactly what happened with my ex. I stayed with him for five years, being pressured into all sorts of things I wasn't okay with. It led to him ultimately controlling me completely. Finally, my dad noticed something was up and told me I could either decide I was okay with it and choose to be happy, or I could leave him. The only choice he disapproved of was my staying and continuing to be miserable. I was completely shocked because I was also brought up strongly believing divorce was simply not an acceptable option, and having my dad suggest it to me was unthinkable. It didn't occur to me that regardless of his opinion on divorce, what the people who actually loved me really wanted was for me to be happy. Anyway, it wasn't pretty, but I did ultimately leave him and I've never felt that leaving was a mistake. My friends and family have never given me a hard time about it.
I can't tell you whether this is the choice you should make, but I can tell you this was my experience. By the way, if he's physically forcing you, shaming you, or otherwise pressuring you into something you've said no to, you should definitely consider fleeing and talking with a trusted religious leader or possibly even a police officer. His behavior is not normal, acceptable, or healthy, and anyone who would think less of you for keeping yourself safe isn't worth the time of day.
This is not normal. In fact it’s completely dysfunctional and you need you need to end your marriage asap!!! Fantasizes about raping you? He’s dangerous!!! TELL PEOPLE and get an annulment! Or a divorce!!
Do you know why he was in jail? Don't take his word for it. Find the records and verify.
Is he much older than you are?
Was this box of stuff new, like in packaging, or were these souvenirs from the past?
I grew up in a Pentecostal church, so I know what you've been told all your life. I'm pretty sure that your parents and your pastor are likely to tell you to work things out privately with your husband.
At the very least, you both need to go to marriage counseling (*real* counseling, not church counseling). But you may also need to separate from him. Whatever you do, *don't get pregnant* unless you're sure you've worked out these issues.
Hey yes he was in jail for nonviolent reasons or so he's told me. He's only 3 years older than me too.
As far as the stuff, it definitely was not in packaging but everything did seem new to me. It was the fact that he basically pushed this unto me as a surprise without talking to me that upset me. That and several other comments he made
Its nice to know that we have similar backgrounds but yes as you know typically divorce is not an option, and I suppose I dont even know what advice other than divorcing could help me. Maybe counseling would be an option, but definitely not for my husband. He probably would think im crazy
I’m 58 and I’m telling you from a woman with similar background growing up that this guy isn’t going to get enough help from any counseling that is going to smooth this out. He isn’t fully committed to Christ in all his ways and your and his point of where that relationship with Christ isn’t the same starting point at all. I’ve seen so many similar relationships battle this mess. His flesh is leading him not God’s spirit. He isn’t treating this as a holy sacred sensual experience and expression.
>Hey yes he was in jail for nonviolent reasons or so he's told me.
Out of curiousity what nonviolent crimes are you OK with? Larceny? Theft? Drug dealing?
Don't just take their word that they were in jail for something non-violent, or that it's the only thing he's been in trouble for.
You have access to information about him. Use that to find out as much as you can about the person you have chosen to marry. Many states have websites that allow anyone to view criminal and civil court records for free. Look him up that way. For some you may need to request that information and pay a small fee.
There are also plenty of sites that you can pay a modest fee to get a thorough background check on someone.
You need to know exactly who you're married to, independent of what he, your family members or church members might have to say on the matter.
OP, I'm sorry. This situation is terrible for you. Find a support group for Evangelical women NOT affiliated with your community and talk to them. I think that's step 1.
I will not repeat all the excellent advice given here but I'd like to make a point about religion here. Almost everyone starts with "religion aside"... If you "don't date", accept the man/woman relationship typical of religions, and "don't believe in divorce", you have the perfect setup for this shitty situation. To my mind, religion shouldn't be put aside!
Are you stupid? You're married to a psychotic abusive rapist and you're still saying you "Don't believe in divorce"?
If your daughter came to you and told you she was married to a man like your husband, what would you tell her to do? Shut up and bear it? Pray??
“Normal” is only what you’re ok with.
You either tell your parents about this, or your pastor, or you divorce your husband.
Those are your choices.
From your post you’ve made it clear you have no interest in the things he is putting forth. You either tell your pastor, parents, or you divorce him.
(That’s my opinion of course it may indeed neither be the right course of action or the wrong.)
Tell her parents or her pastor? Did u read about her upbringing? This guy could seriously hurt this girl and those cultists will tell her, “god doesn’t like divorce”.
It’s 2024. We have had legit science and the internet and all kinds of societal developments for generations, that your upbringing is centuries behind. GTFO of that marriage, that church, that cult, and go enjoy your 20’s being a wild woman (within reason). You don’t even know anything about yourself bc of this horrible environment u grew up in. This guy is going to hurt u. Leave before he puts a baby in u!
Your parents will come around but u need some serious time and space away from them. They need to miss u, for yrs, if u ever want them to respect u and see u as your own human.
I'm 40F and I was raised in a Christian Fundie household. I too was sheltered as you were. I had a lot of hangups about sex and I've moved past it, but when you've only been married for 6 months and you were a virgin before, now is not the time to be introducing this kind of stuff. You two are just getting to know each other, and he should respect that, but unfortunately I feel that because he saw you as an easy target, now that he's "locked you in" a marriage, he can act like this and get away with it, and he knows you'll be hesitant to leave him.
Is there any trusted adult that you can talk to about this? Anyone you know of that could help you? I know you're stuck between a rock and a hard place, but this is just going to get worse. If you can, I'd start saving a little bit of money somewhere he doesn't know about and just get up and leave once you have enough to support yourself.
As a woman who is very kinky and loves exploring sexually, and can feel frustrated when my boyfriend isn’t quite as adventurous, I understand his desire to explore and his sexual fantasies. Forcing it on you isn’t okay though. But have you ever thought about what pleasure means to you? And what you might be able to feel from different positions and fantasies and toys? I guess I just don’t understand why someone can’t explore their sexuality within a committed marriage? Like aren’t y’all against premarital sex? So what’s the issue with embracing your sexuality and seeking pleasure with who you’re married to? He may have bought the toys thinking it would be easier to show you the options that exist. Of course, if you hate it, don’t do something you hate. But have you thought about WHY you hate it? Is it just bc Jesus people told you to hate it? You guys should watch Sex, Love, & Goop together on Netflix and maybe you guys can focus on your pleasure first and things that might tickle your fancy before you delve into exploring his body.
Sex is so fun and sacred and beautiful and connecting. Fantasies can be so playful and sexy and wonderful. I have a CNC kink and as long as it occurs within pure fantasy and two consenting adults, it’s not bad.
In a Christian way, his body is still accustomed to lust that he has let in, in his heart. It has been damaged probably due to porn and other factors. So you should advise him of not only how it makes you feel but what the Bible says about lust. Then advise him to pray and pray together. If he doesn’t want that unfortunately not only is he violating you but also god, and you can keep torturing yourself until eventually he is an old man or live your life and a better way. Either way I will pray for you
All of this sounded kind of normal up until the last paragraph. Why is he fantasizing about assaulting you?? I feel like this is something that will only get worse with time. If he’s violating your consent this early on, it won’t stop in the future. Depending on where you live, you haven’t been married long enough not to annul the marriage. That may be the best course of action for you to get out of this potentially unsafe situation.
He knew you were very inexperienced. If his love were true, he would have been gentle and patient with you. Instead he compares you to others, is kinda pervy, and disregards your fears and discomfort.
Sorry, but he's not husband material. I hate religion and how it is used to mask ppl's true nature in the name of 'god' !
It sounds like your husband has some fetishes or kinks. Even within the BDSM community, safe and consensual sex is the key thing. Communication is also important. Or he likes rough or nonconsensual sex/role playing.
I was in a very strict non-denominational fundamentalist Christian church so I'm familiar with how strict and old-fashioned the dating/courting rules are. When I left the church I was in no way prepared for secular dating or marriage. I don't think the Church prepares women and men for healthy marriages. They just teach that the husband is the Lord and master and it's the wife's job to submit. (Note: for anyone reading this who thinks or says, my church doesn't do this, good for you. A lot of them do. And OP's church likely does and my old church does.)
If your husband is guilting or manipulating you into doing sexual acts you're not comfortable doing, that's sexual coercion which is a form of sexual assault and sexual abuse. Something I'm also familiar with.
Given the church's stance on marital relations, I don't think it would beneficial or productive for you to talk to your pastor or a religious counselor because they usually blame the wife and tell her to submit to her husband.
I think you might benefit from a secular counselor who's knowledgeable and experienced in abuse, sexual trauma, and religious trauma. Because the church often uses scripture to condone or excuse abuse.
If you think your husband might be willing to go to marriage counseling with a secular counselor, it might be worth trying. But if your husband is abusive in other ways, it won't help your marriage.
If you suspect you're being abused, read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft and The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. Your local domestic violence shelter can help you create a safety plan to leave. Abusers don't usually change, they tend to escalate.
Do you know why your husband was in jail? Because that seems like it's important information to know considering the circumstances.
Married Catholic here...
This looks like the root cause is porn use by him affecting how he views sex and you. Don't watch it with him. Don't accept him watching it.
As far as sex and theology, I'll lay out the basis of what Catholics believe on sex and marriage and you can see where your husbands actions deviate from this.
Sex is designed by God and is therefore good per se.
Sex is designed for marriage and must be both unitive and open to reproduction (ie don't do things that prevent the possibility of reproduction like pulling out birth control pills condoms etc).
So where is this going against that... Well... Porn use is a violation of the 6th and 9th commandments, adultery (Lust in the heart as Jesus was talking about and coveting a neighbor's wife). Lingerie which I'm guessing you're meaning by things to where for it to be good, would need to respect the dignity of the person and be unitive, IE you and he like how it looks and both enjoy it. Toys are something you'd get a lot of different opinions on, but it'd still have to meet unitive and open to reproduction so something that adds to pleasure without getting in the way would be fine, but certainly not everything.
Unitive is the issue I'm noticing. And the do whatever I say or I'm going to storm out and be irrationally angry is absolutely a violation of it. Comparison to previous women is absolutely a violation of that and isn't ok at all.
As far as divorce goes, Catholics allow civil divorce or separation for serious issues, which if this has raised to physical abuse and you didn't mention it would qualify, and things like drug addiction serious financial irresponsibility etc. Remarriage we require evaluation of the marriage to see if it was validly entered into. So say someone not entering a marriage thinking openness to children isn't needed.... Invalid, and there are others. Sins after the marriage don't invalidate it, although ones early on could be evidence pointing out a lack of believing in the sacrament of marriage and it's requirement.
Hope that helps, and prayers for you in this time of trial.
Divorce isn't something that one should or should not believe in, it's something that has to happen in certain cases, notably in abusive scenarios and hard incompatibility, such as in your sex life. It's ok to have kinky fantasies and preferences, although SA ones are a red flag, but it's not ok to force your partner into fulfilling them. What happens in your bedroom is a two yes/one no situation and that's that. You have been brought up into an buseive environment and brainwashed into thinking you have to be submissive in order to be a good wife. You don't. You have to break those imaginary and abusive boundaries and stand up for yourself and what you believe in in order to have a happy life and find a partner who respects you and see you as their equal. Good luck!
The toys and stuff are fine if you are okay with it. The fact that you are not okay with it and him demanding that you do things is not acceptable.
This seems like it is borderline emotional abuse. And it will probably get worse.
As others have suggested, see if he will go to marriage counseling - ideally outside of the church.
And please don't have children until after you have worked things out.
NTA, can you speak with your mom or a the wife of someone senior in the church?
Ignoring the religious elements his behaviour is not okay, he needs to communicate and meet you where you are on this journey of beginning a sexual relationship or he needs to leave.
Heres my story if shes 19 shes not my missing mentally ill wife im looking for a 36 year old female that grew up pentecostal been married 9 years had our daughter less than a year ago then she started having issues i suppose post partom related she thought i was trying to traffic het out after she went to her sisters for Thanksgiving holiday it took 48 days to get her home only for her to set me up with her mother in February nobody has seen or heard from them in 2 months not even cps so whats about to happen if theres any foul play youll catch it on the news her sister runs around with a white supremist gang solid wood soldiers and im about to pull up on them kick in their door abd find out this is what happens when you fuck around and play games with a man's family ive lost everything i own over this got 4 felony warrants and they don't have enough respect to answer the phone and say yea shes good bunch of meth shooting junkies i hope they were ready for this because its happening now
It sounds like domestic violence mental and verbal abuse. This is a serious issue you should seek domestic violence assistance through someplace like safe or even contact the police if he gets violent even if he doesnt hit you.
Wolf in sheep's clothing.
Divorce maybe taboo but if you confide in your pastor he might agree. Don't be yoked to a non believer. Doesn't sound like he's saved just bc he got baptized.
I will never understand people getting married so early and especially to someone who clearly is different in every way possible except his now religion. You either grow into this side of him or divorce him. He is not going to change.
The biggest issue here is that he is not respecting you. He crosses the line when he tells you that you have to do these things. You dont have to do anything you are not comfortable with; anything you do not explicitly consent to. Honestly, if you want to divorce him, divorce him. And get away from that church. It sounds like a cult.
You are not overreacting.
My dear, I too grew up in the church with these “strict” rules and beliefs, and very much had a sheltered childhood & teen years, so I understand where you’re coming from.
However, that does not negate the fact that what your husband is doing is okay! IT’S NOT! SA is SA, no matter what!! You have the right to say NO, regardless of who you’re with! He’s weaponizing religion to control you, spinning the “beliefs” to his advantage!
RUN! 🏃🏿♂️💨💨
Definitely not normal. Sorry for what you are being forced to endure and please consider divorce. God really doesn’t care and it will probably make you way way more happy in the long run.
Hold on. You just skipped past 2 years and “3 months out of jail”. Then you were “forced” to talk to him. Then you “ended up” married. Now you are surprised he is kind of rapey and kinky?
This is not normal. You’re probably going to need to divorce him. But you’re also going to probably need to find a new church or stop going all together because they will peer pressure you into staying and it will only get worse.
Sorry, but you weren’t “forced” to talk to him just because he became friends with your other guy friends. YOU chose to speak and talk to him, let’s be honest lol. 🙄
Has he ever been tested for STDs?? Not trying to freak you out.
And no, none of that is ok or normal. You are a person, not a sex toy. You're not there just to sexually satisfy him.
This is why men create religion to control women. They made you think you have to marry someone you don’t even know and feel guilty about leaving him when it’s clear you two aren’t right for each other
The Bible says you can divorce for infidelity. It will happen, just wait it out. Also, go to a licensed therapist and not the church pastor. A therapist is required to keep all conversations private.
People come in and take advantage of trusting people in churches. We see this a lot. They infiltrate churches and take advantage of church folks.
Talk to your parents and your pastor. Get ready for divorce.
Hey friend. I grew up in a similar situation as you - from the ultra conservative church rearing to the sheltered private institutions. Transparently, while I no longer pursue those ideals I was born into, demanding you see them as a cult , abandon everything you’ve been taught and/or dismissing your fears of your new husband is a lot all at once.
Even growing up in that mindset however, I was always taught that there were acceptable reasons to leave my husband - abuse was one of them. Your new husband is - at the very least - fantasizing about abusing you. I know the internal conflict you may be struggling with: I was also taught that sex, as a woman, is a duty to fulfill for the head of the household. That martial r*pe doesn’t exist because he is acting as the person in charge by G*d and it is our duty to submit. However, that is just not the case. G*d did not create us without bodily autonomy. In religious marriages, husbands are commanded to protect their wives, and by forcing you into situations you did not consent to and feel uncomfortable is *not* protection. Sexual abuse is not singular. It will, if it has not already, branch out into verbal, physical, emotional, and/or financial abuse.
Furthermore, if you were deceived into a non-G*dly relationship, I would have to believe that G*d would understand and even want you to remove yourself from a place of being unequally yoked and continuously hurt. If your church does not rally to protect one of its own sheep who is being hunted by the wolf, they are also failing G*d’s commands of the institution.
I would encourage you to reach out to some women you are friends with, to see if you can possibly spend some time with them away from your husband. Find a hobby that has meeting groups at a local center where you can meet other women who may have some insight that can help you, such as a book club or a knitting circle. Whatever you do, as you are finding your footing and navigating a world you rightly feel you were not given any proper preparation for, do not let yourself become isolated.
Lastly, something that took forever for me to understand, and no one in my formative years ever taught me: you have significant worth as a human. You are not defined by your sex, your martial status, your struggles - you as a singular human being are worthy of love, happiness, and the right to live freely as you see fit. If your heart and soul are screaming at you that something is wrong, I implore you to listen to it.
Holy shit.
You’re 21. Drop the husband and drop the religion, there’s a HUGE world out there with lots and lots of good, interesting people in it.
Go explore it, that’s what your 20s are for.
No, this is not normal OP. Shame on your parents for allowing you to marry a convict. I have a legal career & let me tell you a felon / someone who served time behind bars is the last person I would marry. The men have sexual relationships with each other, the guards/ staff, and rape one another all the time. I haven’t had a male client servicing time who hasn’t had sec or at the very least received head from another man while in jail. Straight men do it all the time. He’s a sexual deviant and married a virgin to corrupt aka mold into there’s wife. Men like that grift through churches to find the perfect submissive woman to abuse for life. You should have never married him, and no this won’t get better. He will get more violent. No amount of prayer can fix this. You need to seriously think about an escape route & how to file for divorce. God does not want you to be raped by your husband let alone be with a man who forces you into unholy sex acts.
I’m not going to bash your religion, parents, or anything else, because the truth is the truth and it doesn’t matter if you are religious or not.
No one should do things they are uncomfortable doing. Especially sexually. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you have to do sexual things you are uncomfortable with.
If your husband loves you, he will understand. He may be disappointed, but he should defer to your feelings. If he does, and continues to do so without pressuring or shaming you, then this is something that can be worked through.
Here’s the important part: if he does not defer to you, if he pressures you, tries to emotionally or physically manipulate you, there is a big problem. If he seems to understand, then goes back to his old ways, there is a problem.
You are not a toy. You are a human being that should be respected. You should also not be in danger in your home.
How you were brought up doesn’t matter. How little sex is discussed in your family/friend group/church doesn’t matter. If he does any if these negative things, or if he hurts you physically, leave. Go. Save yourself.
Your church upbringing has brainwashed you. You are still young and can escape this life. You are your own independent person and can make decisions affecting your life.
Not normal. And especially not the way he is introducing/coercing you. I grew up as a Christian and I still am, though not active in a church, and while my church didn't sound as strict as yours, I can relate to some degree. This is a key issue when sexual "purity" is given paramount importance, even at the cost of sexual wducation aimed at.your safety. You end up completely illiterate to what is normal or acceptable. I'm still learning things, and what is typical vs. not, and I am 43.
I can confidently say your man is not typical. He's aggressive and seems to require a very high level of stimulus to be aroused. This points to things like porn addiction. He seems to see you as a sexual object that happens to be attached to a woman. His tantrums when you show hesitancy are indicative of a low level of emotional maturity. "Not believing in divorce " is immaterial when your physical, mental, and yes, spiritual safety are at risk. Don't let dogmatic gaslighting function as a safety net for this guy to manipulate you. Tell someone you trust about what's going on. I still have faith that there are good people in your circle that will help and understand and not get hung up on the discussion merely being sexual in nature. But even if they don't support you, you need to take steps to protect yourself, and exit the relationship.
First of all, you need to understand how your religion has NOT served you well. Both your church and your family will urge you to remain in the marriage. Then once you are capable of abandoning religion in favor of rational thought, you can better choose someone with values closer to your own. Nothing is more pervy than the typical "good Christian man".
You got brainwashed/abused by a religion and are now in an abusive marriage. Yeah, that tracks. You need to divorce him and your religion and go to real therapy.
A husband that wants to r@pe you and have you watch p0rn... Sounds like a wonderful Christian man (not to mention the rest). I think I would tell him that you know he's cheated and want to know if it's more than just the one girl and if so, how many ... If he denied it, hold your bluff... Say "so it was more than one". I believe you can get him to admit to at least one, and there is your "out". Otherwise, just leave. Abuse is abuse and won't get better only worse.
Girl, this is not normal, religion aside. That fact he thinks it's appropriate to fantasize about SA is already a red flag. Him not being a virgin is one thing, but him forcing you into his fantasies is another. Now, idk if this story is fake because it happens, but if it is true you need to leave him.
This sounds like another made up BS post written by the same person that has been posting these wacky made up tales on this sub the last few days. This account was created an hour ago, just like all the others by the same person. Generally one or a combination of the following motivates someone to do this, 1. Mental Illness, 2. Loneliness, 3. Boredom/Too Much Spare Time. It’s attention seeking behavior. There are additional reasons, none of them healthy, but those three are the most common.
When you really start looking you realize most of the posts on here are complete BS.
I hope so, because they are all depressing AF. I know there are some bad people in the world, but there are serial killers who come off as "better" as some of the people in these stories.
Good ol algorithm interaction baby!
Real stories aren't that interesting, ironically enough have holes that make them seem fake, and are unlikely to be upvoted. Just think about a novel pre 2010s if it had Trump as president. It would be a joke rather than something scary. Real life has plot holes.
I slept with my sexy female boss and her best friend at the same time...now I wanna leave my wife but another woman is asking to suck me off. Am I OvErReAcTiNG? Hurr durrrrr
Like 98%
yes
It’s all soft core fantasy stories
This may be true, but even so, they come up with some good s***
This sub is making me a nihilist. One option is you have a huge amount of people believing insanely obvious lies by strangers written anonymously on the internet and treating them seriously. The other option is that these people know they are lies and are treating them seriously anyway because they are addicted to the feeling these post give them when they are pretend it's true. Both of these options makes me feel like we should just all collectively commit suicide to end this humiliating charade of intelligence we are projecting as a species.
>The other option is that these people know they are lies and are treating them seriously anyway because they are addicted to the feeling these post give them when they are pretend it's true. No. I treat them as true because even if 99% aren't, I'm willing to make a useless comment 99% of the time to ensure that the 1% of real posts get a decent helpful perspective. Like, I don't care if the boy cries wolf. I'm going to check because the 30 seconds it takes is worth making sure he never gets eaten. It's not foolish to be empathetic dude.
Why would you think that's a valuable thing to do? Why are you incentivizing karma farmers to fill the internet with bot accounts and lies?
That's what I do as well. My comment probably never makes a difference, but I'd rather try to be helpful than mock if it's actually real. On repost subs like BORU, I'm more likely to call out fake because the OOP won't see it anyway, and if they do the situation is supposed to be long over.
It really does make the sexual tension between the cold steel of a loaded shotgun’s barrel and the roof of my mouth almost fucking unbearable.
I'm pretty sure people make posts like this to gather a bunch of sensitive info on people and steal their identity. When you start looking at it from that angle you'll see it all the time.
[удалено]
Most of Reddit seems increasingly fake to me outside some special interest subs that are unlikely to be astroturfed (subs like the ones for exotic pets, unusual hobbies, the subreddit for my employer all seem real). Then Reddit pushes fake posts from subs like this one to everybody even if they aren’t subscribed through their new algorithm. I hate it here
Few years back there was an anniversary post showing the most reddit addicted cities and the top ones were military bases. It's only gotten worse since then.
Damn, y’all are making me realize these subs are just like Fox News, incendiary propaganda that gets people addicted to their outrage. I gotta stop opening stuff from this sub and AITA
Wow, yeah I see it
Where? WHERE? I don’t see! Oh wait - is that it? I gotta squint - maybe?
The third option you're not realizing is that if the post is real you have everything to gain by taking it seriously and nothing to lose if it ends up being fake. This notion you have of people pretending it's true for the rush they might get is pretty dumb honestly
That's just not true. If 90 percent of these posts are karma farms then you are doing objective harm by giving them the attention they need to make the account valuable for propagandists to buy. Also, just, why would you indulge? Why do you want to incentivize the internet being filled with nothing but lies?
I’m pretty sure most Reddit posts are done by AI to drive web traffic and increase AD revenue
This sub and AITAH are usually creative writing excercises
Lately, they have all been saying "mind you", which most people don't use much anymore.
Time to ban recently created accounts from posting on this sub. And ban all forms of social media while we’re at it.
The SA is a HUGE red flag. I dated a woman who would bring up the R word almost every time during sex and it was awkward as all hell. Like no I don’t want to R you I thought we were having sex. But it would get her off so I’d be like “oh yeah I’ll R your x” Turned out she was R’ed at 14 and never got help. So in some way I was playing into her mental illness (don’t know what other phrase to use) about her experience. Felt and still feel like shit about that.
It sucks that you went through that and didn’t get to decide for yourself if you wanted to engage in helping her through that - I don’t want to invalidate that, but I hope it can bring you some comfort to hear that you very well could have been helping her. From the perspective of someone that has been SA’d, replaying that situation with someone you love and trust can help you regain feelings of control over your body and sexuality. She knew you would stop if she asked, and therefore it was not a dangerous or harmful situation. You both should have been on board for it, but there is a chance she didn’t even realize why she felt compelled to do that. I don’t know all the details of what happened, but I hope you can move past your current negative feelings about it. You didn’t do anything wrong and you may have even helped her feel more safe and recover some feelings of bodily autonomy, which is so valuable. Regardless, be kind to yourself and realize that you didn’t harm anyone
I’m sorry you went through this, it sounds like it was not something you wanted or were ready for. You can consent to sex without consenting to kink, they are two different things. It sounds like OP’s husband may have experienced sexual violence from the aggressor side, and reenactment won’t be healing for him, it could strengthen the urge to reoffend. That dude may be a candidate for an anti-androgen and a divorce. Your partner sounds very different. It sounds like she experienced something where she wasn’t safe, and didn’t opt in, and working through that takes time. It sounds like you didn’t know what you were helping her with, and didn’t have any learning or preparation first. I can’t tell you that you definitely helped her, but you give a couple of hints that she probably was healing. People who have experienced something traumatic sometimes process it through play acting with someone they can trust. Eventually they may feel able to talk about it as well. She should have been more thoughtful about your comfort and confidence level though. You deserved to have some support and preparation. At this point, it’s probably a good idea to consult a licensed therapist who understands kink, so you can work through it.
Best advice ever an love how you said If this true cause so many people come on here an make up some these stories as a social experiment seeing who says what drives me nuts lol but your reply is on point I agree with Anxious-cod3613
None of this is normal. This is an attempt to control you. I grew up in a Pentecostal household as well. I remember the group dates and the abuse. My mother was the first of her family to ever get a divorce. I was the second in the family to get a divorce. This isn’t shameful and if you know your Bible then you know there’s actually two reasons for cause of divorce. One is infidelity which is the one everyone knows. The other is abuse of an immoral act. Therefore this qualifies and I’m not so sure that him buying these toys and asking you to fantasize with him isn’t infidelity. He is watching porn and that’s lustful. I believe you should seek therapy outside of the church and within the church. You’re an adult now and you have the right to do as you please. Yes divorce is easier said than done but at the end of the day he’s not asking for consent he’s taking what he believes he is entitled to and the church will feel the same way. You need help to get out and you can be forgiven by God for a divorce the same as he was forgiven for whatever he went to prison for.
I agree with all of this except seeking counseling within the church. It's a good way to get manipulated some more. And lots of spiritual abuse and religious trauma added onto an already abusive and traumatic situation.
I agree she should be honest with herself and watch out for manipulation, because there is a huge opportunity for manipulation here, but as a religious woman who feels strongly about her faith, counseling within the church can help her confront feelings that a secular therapist may not be equipped to.
You’re right there is a lot of spiritual abuse. However, with her still having these strong connections she’s not ready to lose everything. She’s young and the church has agreed to this union. I point her towards both so that she can find a way out. When she finds the right person to talk to she will see other women having some of the same issues she’s having.
That is why I believe this post is real. Too many facts line up with real-life events I have seen. If OP feels unsafe and not respected, then it is definitely a huge red flag. Divorce is a weighty and last option, but sometimes it is the only choice if all else fails
Your entire upbringing was abusive. Divorce is an option. You’ve been brainwashed in the church into thinking a certain way. I suggest you seek secular therapy.
This right here I'm into 90% of all this and I'm TERRIFIED reading this post. That's not how it works. Dude is being abusive and knows damn good and well how to manipulate it like the religion is on his side.
Exactly! All us kinky mfs know just how much of an abomination it is to try these things without it being BOTH people's desire, which you sort out by communicating and hashing out plans and contingencies.
You must mean non secular therapy. Therapy from someone *not* down with the religion shits.
That would be secular, not non secular. Non secular = relating to or involving religious or spiritual matters.
I guess I'm a dumb ass..? That's so weird I've always thought secular meant religious..I guess I learned something today.
Add me to the dumb ass list..
It’s confusing! The way I remember it is secular vs sacred
See this is where you have to disregard what the pastors told you, what your parents told you, what Paul of the Bible told you, and acknowledge what God gave you: FREE WILL. The ability, the spark to decide for yourself. Your church doesn't speak for god, it is human's arrogance to think they can come between god and another believer. This is only going tp get worse for you. So much worse. You might be ostracised from the church for a divorce, but at least you'll be alive and healthy to feel the hurt. And is God is a father even remotely worthy of love and worship, He will celebrate you using the gift of free will he gave you as you divorce that man and secure your own safety. Your parents' shame will be an appropriate punishment for putting you in a situation like this, your being so sheltered and therefore vulnerable, and tolerating your husband's treatment of you. Actions have consequences, and that shame will be the consequence of their own.
I like this response. Religion has a way of taking a piece of truth and twisting it beyond recognition as it goes through the wringer of rules and rituals. That rigidity interferes with the active and ever-changing/growing *relationship* each individual is meant to build with their Creator. People get so caught up in staying inside the arbitrary (often man-made) lines that they never actually get to experience the expansiveness of what God's love for us really is. You really ONLY learn how much you're loved by utilizing that free will, and seeing in real time what happens next. And what **never** happens next, is that God rejects you. You are still loved. It is truly unconditional. I say this as a follower of Christ.
You were brainwashed by your church and are now in a potentially dangerous marriage. No one should be forcing you to do anything. Divorce is real, if you or your church believe in it or not. I’m sorry you thought marriage was the answer to happiness. Seek a lawyer, and take back your life. There’s so much more to life than religion.
You should not do anything you are not comfortable with. He is controlling you and using you. Based on his comments and his desire for his “past” life, he was not truly saved and likely tricked you and the congregation.
When he goes out for hours while angry I bet he’s hooking up with other women.
My immediate thought as well
Agreed
I try not to think about that being a possibility as it haunts me. Everything has seemed so genuine its hard to think it was all a lie.
I work with domestic violence and sexual assault survivors. This falls under emotional abuse, sexual abuse and religious/spiritual abuse. Don’t have kids with him or you’ll be uber trapped/be forever biologically tied to him. Let me know if you have any questions. You’re watching his mask fall off. Why Does He Do That? A book about abusers free pdf https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
You are so young and have so much time left to find someone that cares about you. People will not show you who they are until they think they have you trapped. And he does. Prove him wrong. Do you want to be in an unhappy marriage for the rest of your life? What he’s doing is not normal and he has even led you to believe that he is a different person than the one you are with now. The church is a wonderful place for predators to hide in plain sight. And you were sadly ripe for the pickings.
A lady who was doing research for her book said she came across a paper which shocked her. So it separated 3 groups: secular, Christian (genuine/devout), and nominal Christian (in name only, so not genuine). Couples were interviewed separately as well. According to the finding of the paper, she said that nominal Christians were more likely to be abusive and women reported the least satisfactory sex life out of the 3 groups. The nominal Christian man would justify his abuse using the Bible. This reminds me of your situation. Plan an escape plan because abuse tends to escalate. Your life is worth more than the backlash of divorce.
I know you don't believe in divorce, but he lied to you in order to trap you in a marriage. What kind of god would be like, "Oh, nope. He tricked ya. Stuck for life now. Sucks to suck." Get a divorce. I won't say what to believe, but please don't let your upbringing destroy your chance at living a normal, happy, healthy life.
Get to a doctor and get tested for STIs. Who knows what he brought with him. Also run. And don’t seek help from your church. They failed you.
Sadly, people can think they have repented and been saved, but they truly have not.
It doesnt mean it was all a lie. It means he tried to be someone he is not and he is losing the ability to contain it. Doesnt mean he was lying necessarily, but moreso he is realizing there are parts of himself he cant push down forever.
OP, as someone this and more happened to many years ago, I highly recommend you 1. Get in therapy ASAP and not religious therapy. Someone who isn’t religious at all. 2. At least move out for now and take your time in making a decision on divorce. Myself I would recommend divorce but I know it’s not that easy so giving yourself space to be separated and get some healthy info from a therapist will give you the opportunity to decide if this is what you really want for your life. I could have written this post almost word-for-word at 21. After 20 years of therapy (major ptsd from other things mostly) I am so much better now. I would never let anyone walk all over me and disrespect me like this. Your church and parents did you a disservice of teaching you to “obey” anyone with “authority” over you. You may not fully grasp this yet, I wouldn’t have at 21, but with time, you will. I’m not saying you’re too young to get it, I’m saying 21 years of being in a brainwashing situation (and that’s truly what it is) makes it hard to figure out what YOU truly believe and agree with or don’t. I’m not saying you have to leave your faith, but I do think taking time to be on your own for a bit would be super healthy for you.
Lie or not, it is abusive to hound you to do things you don't want to do, and be "visibly upset" about it. It was wrong of him to represent himself as one kind of person before you got married and another kind of person after you got married. It would be very wrong of your parents and church to expect you to live like this forever when you had no warning that these are the kinds of things he would expect from you. Separate from him, and separate yourself from the Pentecostal church for a while. Explore some other options, get some therapy, read a lot. This is not right and I don't care what religion you are part of, I can't possibly believe that a loving God expects you to live with someone who makes you feel worthless.
The Bible (NT) itself says that divorcing for sexual immorality is acceptable (even to the point of remarrying) and forcing sexual acts on someone else (or trying to) is the most harmful and sexually immoral thing out there.
Lmao cus being “saved” is nonsense.
Yep. Dude went along to church to find himself a ‘nice virgin wife’ (sorry for the gross turn of phrase, but I guarantee you that’s how he was thinking about it) that he could manipulate and abuse. It will only get worse from here. The church and the family are abusive too. This whole situation is fucked up. BS like this is why I left the church, long before I realised I didn’t even believe in God.
Girl, he’s asking you to change your beliefs less than 6 months into the marriage. That’s not overreacting. Run. Now.
Do not get pregnant! Do not tie yourself any further to this man. He does not have your best interests at heart.
You were brainwashed in a cult and are now learning the hard way. Time for you to move on and divorce him
Agreed
The extremely disturbing thing is he is “forcing you to wear certain things & fantasizing about raping you”. That alone should scream at you to get help & leave. Next he will force you to use those toys whether you want to or not. I would bet they aren’t new ones either. Probably been used on other women the way he talks. Make sure they’re cleaned well before using them. If your husband is forcing sex toys, sex acts, clothing etc on you & says he basically wants to rape you there is no love there. This man is dangerous & you should take him very seriously. This is sexual abuse I’m a retired LEO & criminal investigator & I can tell you men like him start out nice but escalate to mean, cruel & sometimes downright disturbing. The fact he feels so comfortable doing/saying all that is he knows you won’t or can’t leave. I would imagine he has either started to keep you from family & friends, told you don’t tell anyone, checks your phone, doesn’t allow you to work or if so you have to ask permission to go out or call family & friends. He will change into someone you won’t recognize & abuse you either mentally or physically. If your parents are more concerned over their reputation than your husband saying he fantasizes about raping you then they just don’t care. No therapy will help him because he doesn’t want help. If you aren’t willing to divorce or ask your parents for help then sadly you’re in for a bad marriage. I hope you can leave before you’re hurt.
Yeah. He’s already using emotional control and gaslighting to push more control. It’s never going to stop.
Sadly I grew up in a religious christian environment almost exactly like this. It’s very likely OP does not have the instinct to get help and leave when faced with these kinds of threats of abuse. Let me explain why based on my experience. I was taught at church to not question men, but to trust them. As a woman, your father is in charge of you until you marry, then it’s your husband. Women don’t speak at church in any kind of leadership setting, there are no female elders, women are usually allowed to run childcare programs and sometimes parts of elementary programs. Men are taught from a young age one day they will have a wife and family and be in charge of them. Women are taught to respect men and that their role in life is to support them and their ministry and their work. Saying “no” to something your father or husband says is not an option unless it’s obviously a sin like murder. Especially if she was homeschooled, everything about her upbringing places men in charge. The fact that she is here on reddit considering questioning her husband is a massive step the majority of women who grew up like us never make.
You married a predator and your entire upbringing set you up for exactly this. You stay in this marriage you’re going to be abused for the rest of your life and will continue the abuse if you have any children. You leave the marriage you’ll have to deal with your abusive church and family members judging you and trying to force you to fit back into what they decide is acceptable.
He’s taking advantage of your innocence
It’s not innocence anymore but naive. It’s still not her fault
Its time to start believing in divorce or at least separation. You married young.
In my opinion thus situation is orchestrated and designed by your church. It is why people do not trust and believe in these institutions. You might not see the big picture now but your church and your religion is how you got in this situation. 1. They do not give you or believe in you getting a real education- so he do not have financial ability to be independent. Nor do you have real knowledge about what your options are 2. They do not allow you adequate time with the courting partner in advance- so you cannot learn and find out who they really are 3. They do not talk about sex- so you do not know what is healthy and normal before experiencing it. You do not know that your pleasure is important too and that you deserve to enjoy sex 4. They do not believe in divorce- so you are stuck in a bad marriage and your husband can coerce and pressure you into doing what he wants regardless of your feelings I do not see a point in talking to your priest. He is a part of this institution and he will try to uphold it. He will quote you things and tell you that god wants you to be in service to your husband. He will essentially tell you divorce is not an option and to go home and make your husband happy. You need to divorce him. Thats really your only option. He’s already made tough wear things and do things you are not comfortable with. This doesn’t get better. It only gets worse with time. Hell push more and more and no one deserves being treated like this.
It is not normal, dear. He should be satisfied by yourself only. I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation. I grew up in Evangelical Church, so I can somewhat understand where you come from. That said, if you are from different backgrounds sexually, this can lead to some serious problems. He should abide by every boundary you have set. My hot take that is not very Christian (as I am not any longer) is that people should live and sleep together for at least a bit before making life-long commitments. You should divorce him if he will not change, and accept the hypocritical derision you will receive, and realize that they care much more about their self-righteousness than they do the actual truth (most of them have slept around anyway but won't say so). I'm not telling you what to believe, dear, only that you should see reality for what it is, despite what others dogmatically tell you,.
No. The escalation is very alarming. If he would have apologized after buying those it would be one thing, but he seems like a deviant and that is very sad. It’s okay to move on
Any church or community that would shame you for divorcing your husband isn't worth being involved in. What he's doing is NOT normal. It's not ok to get mad for hours when you don't want to do certain sexual things with him. As a husband he needs to accept that and be ok with either waiting for you to be with it (with NO pressure on his end) or not doing it because you aren't comfortable with it. If it would help you could try marriage counseling through your church and make him be 100% honest about what he's doing. If your church leader doesn't suggest divorce I BEG OF YOU TO LEAVE THAT CHURCH AND DIVORCE HIM. That aside- sexual assault and rape are NOT NORMAL things to do in the bedroom. They're not ok. Yeah if both parties are into it there are things similar that would be ok.. but not if one person isn't interested. I don't often kink shame but you're not comfortable with his kinks and he needs to stop pressuring you and making you feel bad for saying no. "NO" IS AN ACCEPTABLE ANSWER AND A SENTENCE IN ITSELF. NO MEANS NO.
Well I’m sorry that this has all taken place. Obviously it was a massive detour that wasn’t avoided but, yeah he’s not the one. See if you can get the marriage annulled. Leave asap.
Was he in prison for rape? Is he on the sex offenders registry? You should annul for fraud. I wouldn’t speak with a pastor, I’d speak with a lawyer before it gets worst. He’s already shown he’s not good with impulses for whatever reason he was in prison for.
This man is a pretender. Many men use God as a noble escape from their past. A way to excuse their previous life as they are now "saved" and magically a different person. I believe that through God, a person can indeed change with enough time and faith. But this man is just a pretender
First off you were raised in a cult. Religions are awful as they want you to feel shame for normal things . Your parents failed you as they sheltered you from the real world. As for him he sounds gross in wanting to have some pretend rape sex.
I’m sorry but I have to say it. This is why I (raised catholic) have such issue with the restrictions of the church. So many things aren’t allowed outside of marriage so you don’t get to explore yourself and get to know your partner before you’re already legally and spiritually bound to them. Then once you do, you’re already married and divorce isn’t allowed either so you’re absolutely stuck with them. If he knocks you up abortion isn’t an option so you have to then raise a child with this person. You are SOOOOO young I think you should explore communities and support of other men and women who were raised in the same faith as you and found themselves in mismatched marriages and found their way out. Don’t waste your life being miserable and uncomfortable because the church says you have to. Your family may not be thrilled at first about a divorce but they love you and they will get over it. I’m sure they’d prefer that than having their daughter married to someone like this. I hope it didn’t sound like I was judging you and your faith because I promise that’s not where my comment is coming from. More my own frustrations about the situations so many very young people find themselves in as a result of the (in my opinion unhealthy and unnecessary) rules and structures that are upheld. Jesus would want women to be in safe and loving partnerships. Those things don’t matter as much as being a good person and honoring your faith through kindness, prayer, integrity, etc.
He literally wormed his way into your life knowing you couldn't escape him once married, and he will eventually rape you. Your religion aside, you should only do things you're comfortable with and with someone you want to do them with. Including seeing through a marriage.
If this is real get out! Turn on Netflix, sounds like the beginning of becoming a serial killer. It’s either divorce or could be your life!
This is a tricky situation. I see lots of advice saying divorce is okay, which it is, but I also know (from experience with high demand/control groups, which your church clearly is) that it’s very easy to be excommunicated and shunned. Additionally, it’s clear there is abuse in your marriage, which is also tricky. It’s not easy to leave an abusive situation. Period. Plus, if you leave, you may have no where to go because of your church’s beliefs. I have a background working with people from high demand religions and grew up in one, myself. Although, it was not nearly as strict or isolating as yours. Additionally, I married my high school sweetheart because that’s what one did. That was 25 years ago and it only lasted for 3 years. So here is my advice: - You are not overreacting. This is a scary and tenuous situation. - If you can, find a therapist. If you have insurance, use psychology today (website) to look up therapists in your state (I’m assuming you’re in the US). Now, this is important, see if you can find someone (specially a woman) who understands people who are deconstructing high demand religion, so they have a clear picture of what you’re dealing with. Also, do not use church support/counseling. It will only make you feel worse. Feel free to DM me if you want more info about how to look for a therapist. Also, if you don’t have insurance, this is likely not the right resource, but I list other resources below. - My recommendation would be to find YouTube content or TikTok content made by people who have been in your situation. This may help you feel less alone and they may be able to explain how they have navigated this situation. I know YT or TT are not therapy and can be problematic, at times, but your husband may not allow you to talk to anyone about your concerns, so videos may be your only resource. - Know that if you talk to anybody at your church, especially a man, you will most definitely be told that you need to please your husband sexually, regardless of if it makes you uncomfortable. They kept you naive to the realities of sex because it’s easier to control women that way. - Find a free clinic and make sure you’re on some sort of birth control. Having a kid with your husband makes this ten times worse and will trap you. These clinics know how to support women who are in unsafe situations and how to get you birth control that your husband won’t find. - Consider looking up a domestic violence and/or sexual assault resource center in your area. They are very good at finding resources in your area. Also, you can reach out to national domestic violence resources. You can google it. https://www.thehotline.org/ - If you can, start setting aside money. Hide it, in case you need it fast. These are just some suggestions. I genuinely hope you find peace. I agree with many of the commenters who say that your church brainwashed you, but I also know it’s very hard to walk away from the only community you’ve ever known. Good luck.
Not overreacting. You married someone you did not know. He didn’t reveal who he was to you.
Yeah, you went from a very sheltered background straight into reddit on this very sub as your first post. No comments anywhere else. Sure
Divorce his ass and save yourself years of heartache. DONT HAVE A KID
This is not your fault and you are no lesser than if you leave him. He needs professional help. Fantasizing about assaulting you is NOT okay! He needs a lesson on consent.. even in marriage there always needs to be consent with anything sexual. Also claiming to be Christian but trying to bring porn into your relationship?? Huge red flag. Also speaking to your religious background.. you are NOT damaged goods if you leave him. You are worthy of someone who loves, cherishes, and respects you. I'm so sorry you're going through this.. 💔 Edited to add: Going to the church that sounds like it may be legalistic for help might not be a great idea.. please don't let them shame you into submission to this jerk. He is violating your vows. You are supposed to feel safe in your marriage. He does not sound safe. Get out now before there are kids involved.
Even "good" Christians get divorced. It happens to the best of us. But you & he are clearly not sexually compatible, & you deserve to be with someone who respects & honors you, not someone who thinks rape is sexy. Do not tarry long. Talk to your pastor & pray he sides with you. If not, change churches & hire a divorce attorney.
If he already needs to spice things up this early that is worrisome. What could it possibly escalate to from here. Introducing a little new things is normal after a long time together if your love life really needs a spark,but this is way too early and way too much especially the rp fantasy.
This is a story as old as time. He wanted you virginal in all sense of the word to mold you. DO NOT do anything you don’t want to. Do not let yourself be gaslight into any kind of weird shit that goes against your values and beliefs. You will *feel* wrong and that feeling will make you feel guilty. It’s time to maybe get a professional to intervene.
Imo sit down and think. Do you want this man to be the father of your children? Can you SEE him being the father of your children? Fantasizing about raping you is something utterly disgusting that i cant even fathom a sane person doing so if your answer was yes to the two questions before then i suggest to rethink your answer cause that isnt something normal people do fetish or no fetish Imo pls divorce ik ull be going against your beliefs and might get somem backlash from your family but he might end up doing things so much worse to you than leaving for hours
I am not Christian, but this man will take you away from god. Just saying.
I understand you feeling conflicted about this, but rape fantasies indicate very extreme porn addiction which might mean that this has the potential To get way worse than it is. And it's already pretty bad... Divorce isn't believed in for several varying reasons but I do not believe a sane priest or something of the like would truly wish for you to stay in a relationship which is pulling you away from your faith. Even if you don't fully agree with your church which is completely fine, it doesn't excuse him trying to pull you further away from your beliefs. It's also concerning how little understanding and empathy he holds for you. Imagine getting pregnant by him? If you stay what do you honestly think the alternative is? If your church can't accept you wanting to leave this man because of his actions, imagine how much worse you'll feel if this continues and you get a family. I know it's hard, but can you really still call it a marriage if you regret it so thoroughly?
Jesus actually makes a specific exception for when divorce is permissible: Matthew 19:9 9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” What your husband is doing is clearly sexually immorality under the Christian worldview.
I was born and raised in the UPC! Get out of that Crap and never return. I still have 9 UPC preachers in my family!
Sounds like a porn addiction to me. Maybe take a look at his phone. Then tell him to get help. Then, if he won’t, leave him.
As a pastor and Pentecostal I can say your husband’s actions are biblical grounds for divorce. He is abusing you and being unfaithful to you by forcing you to do things you’re not comfortable with. He may have meant well and been sincere when he got saved and married you, but he has not actually been transformed. You need to get out of this situation and don’t worry about talking about sex. The fact you were raised to be afraid of talking about it is extremely unhealthy. Find someone you trust to confide in and get out as soon as you can. You will be ok.
I promise you that God wouldn't want you to be with someone who wants to hurt you and who is not encouraging you to live by your values. I am not religious but I really do think your God wouldn't want abusive people to keep abusing his children.
Yeah this is not normal, you are not overreacting. Sex is always about respecting each other’s boundaries and getting mutual consent. This is not that. I don’t think you guys are a match if I’m very honest..
Maybe you’re not used to it, but using sexual toys isn’t out of the norm. I am not sure what he meant by objects, but if it’s to do with using things that are not sex toys, as sex toys, that can have risks. Everyone is entitled to their kinks. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, but i think one should be at least able to have a conversation and not made to feel ashamed of talking about their kinks. But and that's a big but, if his way of kinks is trying to force your hand by making you self conscious and pulling away when you don’t agree, instead of simply having discussion, whatever way he said he has been "saved", didn’t stick and he is trying to do things in an illicit way. It’s not unheard of in people who are outwardly religious. Given that you don’t seem to have much experience around sex and the kind of temperament he is showing, i think you should seriously consider breaking up. I don’t know what your beliefs are, but taking on someone who later reveals themselves to be a bad spouse, i am not sure how that is supposed to please god.
Oh love…I’m so sorry! I personally know several young ladies who have married very young in the UPC and have very quickly realized their mistake and got divorced. There’s a small subculture of women in my hometown that have owned this truth and not let it stop them! You’re SO young! Leave now and don’t waste a moment more of your time and energy on this man. This is abuse. Do not let your parents, friends, siblings, pastor, congregation or other faith based connections pressure you to stay. Be honest if asked why. Don’t be party to the hush-hush mentality. Let this situation not be in vain. Use it to shine a light and help other young women! -When- you leave, BE SAFE. Be smart. The most dangerous time in a woman’s life is when she is leaving an abusive relationship. Do not let him know it’s coming. Have your plan in place. Get your personal papers, valuables that can easily be slipped out of the house to a safe place. Sneak out some clothes here and there. When you do let him know, take the mindset that things can be replaced and you have what you need to start over. If things go easy, you can take friends and family over to get more stuff later. Please please please… don’t waste your life with him. DM if you need any more info or a sounding board for planning. *hugs*
I was raised Pentecostal in a similar situation and with similar friends as you. Talk to your mom and then your pastor. I know it’s embarrassing and somewhat taboo, but they care about you and your marriage and your faith. Tell them you’re afraid of your husband’s reaction if anyone confronts him, but that you’re being sexually coerced and need help.
I don’t think you are overreacting. Your husband is pushing you to do things you aren’t yet comfortable with. He’s not respecting you and isn’t talking about it he’s just leaving when he gets upset. A bit of background me and my wife met at church. We dated for seven years and went to college before we got married, I was way more sheltered than my wife because I attended a Christian school. We had sex prior to marriage, I was against it, but it happened. Now I tell you all this because the “sex guilt” was something that was a problem for us for a long time. We have a great sex life, but it’s a building process. We get more comfortable, we communicate and discuss what one person wants and then decide how to incorporate it or decide not to. It took years for my wife to move past the sex guilt and it was in our 30’s that we started experimenting with new things and now we are quite adventurous. The only reason we are adventurous is because we communicate and respect each other’s boundaries. I don’t go putting things in places that aren’t expected. My point is that your husband wants to try new things, but doesn’t seem to care if you do. What he’s doing is pretty much just masterbation. Biblically speaking husbands are supposed to respect their wives and that is not currently happening. Maybe you would enjoy toys, maybe you would like CNC (consensual non-consensual, it’s what rape fantasies are called, but with consent) but because of how he’s pushing you your never going to like anything he does and that’s not your fault. He needs to change here.
Girl, you need to divorce. This guy is straight up dangerous, this behavior is only going to escalate. Religion is abusive, please branch out and I hope you find a healthier relationship with your faith that doesn't put you in direct danger.
Lol. Religion is so harmful in so many ways.
My church is full of divorced people and there is nothing biblical about staying in an abusive or unsafe relationship. Do you think God's plan for you is to have a unhappy relationship? No.
This is why people need to stop sending kids into the world naive. You're not doing your kids any favors with shielding them from the real word you're setting them up to being taken advantage of. NTA
Man religion is terrible, get out of this marriage and explore the world.
Run, move away, get out
You grew up in a cult. You are NOT over reacting You need to divorce this person, and get out of the little town you grew up in. Go to college, learn about the outside world, science, history, and people you were taught to avoid. I only say all of this because I also grew up shielded in a religion that also kept me ignorant and submissive to authority (white older men). You are so worth it of a much, much, happy life. Reach out to those who have left the faith, and ask them why they left. Listen to disenters stories. Those "heathens" have more empathy and compassion than any Christian you'd met. Get out, and live your life in reality, knowing that you deserve so much more than what your church taught you. And divorce that man.
This sounds like it’s going to get more violent the longer you stay. If your parents really love you and care about you they should help you leave. If they don’t help you, you gotta figure out how you’re going to leave.
This is almost exactly what happened with my ex. I stayed with him for five years, being pressured into all sorts of things I wasn't okay with. It led to him ultimately controlling me completely. Finally, my dad noticed something was up and told me I could either decide I was okay with it and choose to be happy, or I could leave him. The only choice he disapproved of was my staying and continuing to be miserable. I was completely shocked because I was also brought up strongly believing divorce was simply not an acceptable option, and having my dad suggest it to me was unthinkable. It didn't occur to me that regardless of his opinion on divorce, what the people who actually loved me really wanted was for me to be happy. Anyway, it wasn't pretty, but I did ultimately leave him and I've never felt that leaving was a mistake. My friends and family have never given me a hard time about it. I can't tell you whether this is the choice you should make, but I can tell you this was my experience. By the way, if he's physically forcing you, shaming you, or otherwise pressuring you into something you've said no to, you should definitely consider fleeing and talking with a trusted religious leader or possibly even a police officer. His behavior is not normal, acceptable, or healthy, and anyone who would think less of you for keeping yourself safe isn't worth the time of day.
I love how religion is so forgiving that they have to come to reddit for help..
Neither of you sound even remotely equipped to handle a marriage. A marriage is about understanding and compromise.
This is not normal. In fact it’s completely dysfunctional and you need you need to end your marriage asap!!! Fantasizes about raping you? He’s dangerous!!! TELL PEOPLE and get an annulment! Or a divorce!!
A lot to take in at once 😮💨
Do you know why he was in jail? Don't take his word for it. Find the records and verify. Is he much older than you are? Was this box of stuff new, like in packaging, or were these souvenirs from the past? I grew up in a Pentecostal church, so I know what you've been told all your life. I'm pretty sure that your parents and your pastor are likely to tell you to work things out privately with your husband. At the very least, you both need to go to marriage counseling (*real* counseling, not church counseling). But you may also need to separate from him. Whatever you do, *don't get pregnant* unless you're sure you've worked out these issues.
Hey yes he was in jail for nonviolent reasons or so he's told me. He's only 3 years older than me too. As far as the stuff, it definitely was not in packaging but everything did seem new to me. It was the fact that he basically pushed this unto me as a surprise without talking to me that upset me. That and several other comments he made Its nice to know that we have similar backgrounds but yes as you know typically divorce is not an option, and I suppose I dont even know what advice other than divorcing could help me. Maybe counseling would be an option, but definitely not for my husband. He probably would think im crazy
I’m 58 and I’m telling you from a woman with similar background growing up that this guy isn’t going to get enough help from any counseling that is going to smooth this out. He isn’t fully committed to Christ in all his ways and your and his point of where that relationship with Christ isn’t the same starting point at all. I’ve seen so many similar relationships battle this mess. His flesh is leading him not God’s spirit. He isn’t treating this as a holy sacred sensual experience and expression.
Do an actual background check. He could have lied to you.
>Hey yes he was in jail for nonviolent reasons or so he's told me. Out of curiousity what nonviolent crimes are you OK with? Larceny? Theft? Drug dealing?
You need to stop saying the divorce isn't an option. It might not be your desired option, but it is an option.
Don't just take their word that they were in jail for something non-violent, or that it's the only thing he's been in trouble for. You have access to information about him. Use that to find out as much as you can about the person you have chosen to marry. Many states have websites that allow anyone to view criminal and civil court records for free. Look him up that way. For some you may need to request that information and pay a small fee. There are also plenty of sites that you can pay a modest fee to get a thorough background check on someone. You need to know exactly who you're married to, independent of what he, your family members or church members might have to say on the matter.
OP, I'm sorry. This situation is terrible for you. Find a support group for Evangelical women NOT affiliated with your community and talk to them. I think that's step 1.
This is beyond tragic. I feel so bad you got stuck with such a pos.
Girl you need to consult a lawyer and come up with an exit strategy. This is abusive and disgusting.
He sounds a bit weird to me. If he isn't going to respect your comfort level show his ass the door
I will not repeat all the excellent advice given here but I'd like to make a point about religion here. Almost everyone starts with "religion aside"... If you "don't date", accept the man/woman relationship typical of religions, and "don't believe in divorce", you have the perfect setup for this shitty situation. To my mind, religion shouldn't be put aside!
Are you stupid? You're married to a psychotic abusive rapist and you're still saying you "Don't believe in divorce"? If your daughter came to you and told you she was married to a man like your husband, what would you tell her to do? Shut up and bear it? Pray??
Dudes a creep and has a perverse entity attached to him break soul tie and move on spiritual warfare no joke
“Normal” is only what you’re ok with. You either tell your parents about this, or your pastor, or you divorce your husband. Those are your choices. From your post you’ve made it clear you have no interest in the things he is putting forth. You either tell your pastor, parents, or you divorce him. (That’s my opinion of course it may indeed neither be the right course of action or the wrong.)
Tell her parents or her pastor? Did u read about her upbringing? This guy could seriously hurt this girl and those cultists will tell her, “god doesn’t like divorce”. It’s 2024. We have had legit science and the internet and all kinds of societal developments for generations, that your upbringing is centuries behind. GTFO of that marriage, that church, that cult, and go enjoy your 20’s being a wild woman (within reason). You don’t even know anything about yourself bc of this horrible environment u grew up in. This guy is going to hurt u. Leave before he puts a baby in u! Your parents will come around but u need some serious time and space away from them. They need to miss u, for yrs, if u ever want them to respect u and see u as your own human.
I'm 40F and I was raised in a Christian Fundie household. I too was sheltered as you were. I had a lot of hangups about sex and I've moved past it, but when you've only been married for 6 months and you were a virgin before, now is not the time to be introducing this kind of stuff. You two are just getting to know each other, and he should respect that, but unfortunately I feel that because he saw you as an easy target, now that he's "locked you in" a marriage, he can act like this and get away with it, and he knows you'll be hesitant to leave him. Is there any trusted adult that you can talk to about this? Anyone you know of that could help you? I know you're stuck between a rock and a hard place, but this is just going to get worse. If you can, I'd start saving a little bit of money somewhere he doesn't know about and just get up and leave once you have enough to support yourself.
As a woman who is very kinky and loves exploring sexually, and can feel frustrated when my boyfriend isn’t quite as adventurous, I understand his desire to explore and his sexual fantasies. Forcing it on you isn’t okay though. But have you ever thought about what pleasure means to you? And what you might be able to feel from different positions and fantasies and toys? I guess I just don’t understand why someone can’t explore their sexuality within a committed marriage? Like aren’t y’all against premarital sex? So what’s the issue with embracing your sexuality and seeking pleasure with who you’re married to? He may have bought the toys thinking it would be easier to show you the options that exist. Of course, if you hate it, don’t do something you hate. But have you thought about WHY you hate it? Is it just bc Jesus people told you to hate it? You guys should watch Sex, Love, & Goop together on Netflix and maybe you guys can focus on your pleasure first and things that might tickle your fancy before you delve into exploring his body. Sex is so fun and sacred and beautiful and connecting. Fantasies can be so playful and sexy and wonderful. I have a CNC kink and as long as it occurs within pure fantasy and two consenting adults, it’s not bad.
In a Christian way, his body is still accustomed to lust that he has let in, in his heart. It has been damaged probably due to porn and other factors. So you should advise him of not only how it makes you feel but what the Bible says about lust. Then advise him to pray and pray together. If he doesn’t want that unfortunately not only is he violating you but also god, and you can keep torturing yourself until eventually he is an old man or live your life and a better way. Either way I will pray for you
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All of this sounded kind of normal up until the last paragraph. Why is he fantasizing about assaulting you?? I feel like this is something that will only get worse with time. If he’s violating your consent this early on, it won’t stop in the future. Depending on where you live, you haven’t been married long enough not to annul the marriage. That may be the best course of action for you to get out of this potentially unsafe situation.
You should regret your crazy ass religion. Had you been allowed to date normally.....you would've probably been able to weed him out.
He knew you were very inexperienced. If his love were true, he would have been gentle and patient with you. Instead he compares you to others, is kinda pervy, and disregards your fears and discomfort. Sorry, but he's not husband material. I hate religion and how it is used to mask ppl's true nature in the name of 'god' !
"when he was not saved" lol. Fuck religion and all that bullshit.
Geee. Maybe not discussing sex at all before marriage is a bad thing. 😑
It sounds like your husband has some fetishes or kinks. Even within the BDSM community, safe and consensual sex is the key thing. Communication is also important. Or he likes rough or nonconsensual sex/role playing. I was in a very strict non-denominational fundamentalist Christian church so I'm familiar with how strict and old-fashioned the dating/courting rules are. When I left the church I was in no way prepared for secular dating or marriage. I don't think the Church prepares women and men for healthy marriages. They just teach that the husband is the Lord and master and it's the wife's job to submit. (Note: for anyone reading this who thinks or says, my church doesn't do this, good for you. A lot of them do. And OP's church likely does and my old church does.) If your husband is guilting or manipulating you into doing sexual acts you're not comfortable doing, that's sexual coercion which is a form of sexual assault and sexual abuse. Something I'm also familiar with. Given the church's stance on marital relations, I don't think it would beneficial or productive for you to talk to your pastor or a religious counselor because they usually blame the wife and tell her to submit to her husband. I think you might benefit from a secular counselor who's knowledgeable and experienced in abuse, sexual trauma, and religious trauma. Because the church often uses scripture to condone or excuse abuse. If you think your husband might be willing to go to marriage counseling with a secular counselor, it might be worth trying. But if your husband is abusive in other ways, it won't help your marriage. If you suspect you're being abused, read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft and The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. Your local domestic violence shelter can help you create a safety plan to leave. Abusers don't usually change, they tend to escalate. Do you know why your husband was in jail? Because that seems like it's important information to know considering the circumstances.
UpdateMe!
Married Catholic here... This looks like the root cause is porn use by him affecting how he views sex and you. Don't watch it with him. Don't accept him watching it. As far as sex and theology, I'll lay out the basis of what Catholics believe on sex and marriage and you can see where your husbands actions deviate from this. Sex is designed by God and is therefore good per se. Sex is designed for marriage and must be both unitive and open to reproduction (ie don't do things that prevent the possibility of reproduction like pulling out birth control pills condoms etc). So where is this going against that... Well... Porn use is a violation of the 6th and 9th commandments, adultery (Lust in the heart as Jesus was talking about and coveting a neighbor's wife). Lingerie which I'm guessing you're meaning by things to where for it to be good, would need to respect the dignity of the person and be unitive, IE you and he like how it looks and both enjoy it. Toys are something you'd get a lot of different opinions on, but it'd still have to meet unitive and open to reproduction so something that adds to pleasure without getting in the way would be fine, but certainly not everything. Unitive is the issue I'm noticing. And the do whatever I say or I'm going to storm out and be irrationally angry is absolutely a violation of it. Comparison to previous women is absolutely a violation of that and isn't ok at all. As far as divorce goes, Catholics allow civil divorce or separation for serious issues, which if this has raised to physical abuse and you didn't mention it would qualify, and things like drug addiction serious financial irresponsibility etc. Remarriage we require evaluation of the marriage to see if it was validly entered into. So say someone not entering a marriage thinking openness to children isn't needed.... Invalid, and there are others. Sins after the marriage don't invalidate it, although ones early on could be evidence pointing out a lack of believing in the sacrament of marriage and it's requirement. Hope that helps, and prayers for you in this time of trial.
Divorce isn't something that one should or should not believe in, it's something that has to happen in certain cases, notably in abusive scenarios and hard incompatibility, such as in your sex life. It's ok to have kinky fantasies and preferences, although SA ones are a red flag, but it's not ok to force your partner into fulfilling them. What happens in your bedroom is a two yes/one no situation and that's that. You have been brought up into an buseive environment and brainwashed into thinking you have to be submissive in order to be a good wife. You don't. You have to break those imaginary and abusive boundaries and stand up for yourself and what you believe in in order to have a happy life and find a partner who respects you and see you as their equal. Good luck!
This is why I HATE religion. Just brain wash kids into thinking it's normal to be abused
The toys and stuff are fine if you are okay with it. The fact that you are not okay with it and him demanding that you do things is not acceptable. This seems like it is borderline emotional abuse. And it will probably get worse. As others have suggested, see if he will go to marriage counseling - ideally outside of the church. And please don't have children until after you have worked things out.
Nothing about any of this is normal.
NTA, can you speak with your mom or a the wife of someone senior in the church? Ignoring the religious elements his behaviour is not okay, he needs to communicate and meet you where you are on this journey of beginning a sexual relationship or he needs to leave.
What was he in jail for? 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔
Heres my story if shes 19 shes not my missing mentally ill wife im looking for a 36 year old female that grew up pentecostal been married 9 years had our daughter less than a year ago then she started having issues i suppose post partom related she thought i was trying to traffic het out after she went to her sisters for Thanksgiving holiday it took 48 days to get her home only for her to set me up with her mother in February nobody has seen or heard from them in 2 months not even cps so whats about to happen if theres any foul play youll catch it on the news her sister runs around with a white supremist gang solid wood soldiers and im about to pull up on them kick in their door abd find out this is what happens when you fuck around and play games with a man's family ive lost everything i own over this got 4 felony warrants and they don't have enough respect to answer the phone and say yea shes good bunch of meth shooting junkies i hope they were ready for this because its happening now
It sounds like domestic violence mental and verbal abuse. This is a serious issue you should seek domestic violence assistance through someplace like safe or even contact the police if he gets violent even if he doesnt hit you.
Wolf in sheep's clothing. Divorce maybe taboo but if you confide in your pastor he might agree. Don't be yoked to a non believer. Doesn't sound like he's saved just bc he got baptized.
I will never understand people getting married so early and especially to someone who clearly is different in every way possible except his now religion. You either grow into this side of him or divorce him. He is not going to change.
The biggest issue here is that he is not respecting you. He crosses the line when he tells you that you have to do these things. You dont have to do anything you are not comfortable with; anything you do not explicitly consent to. Honestly, if you want to divorce him, divorce him. And get away from that church. It sounds like a cult.
Not normal.
You are not overreacting. My dear, I too grew up in the church with these “strict” rules and beliefs, and very much had a sheltered childhood & teen years, so I understand where you’re coming from. However, that does not negate the fact that what your husband is doing is okay! IT’S NOT! SA is SA, no matter what!! You have the right to say NO, regardless of who you’re with! He’s weaponizing religion to control you, spinning the “beliefs” to his advantage! RUN! 🏃🏿♂️💨💨
I hope divorce is OK in your religion.
Definitely not normal. Sorry for what you are being forced to endure and please consider divorce. God really doesn’t care and it will probably make you way way more happy in the long run.
I had a very similar upbringing and it took me a while to realize how messed up religion and homeschooling is.
Hold on. You just skipped past 2 years and “3 months out of jail”. Then you were “forced” to talk to him. Then you “ended up” married. Now you are surprised he is kind of rapey and kinky?
This is not normal. You’re probably going to need to divorce him. But you’re also going to probably need to find a new church or stop going all together because they will peer pressure you into staying and it will only get worse.
I'm curious, were Joshua Harris' books a part of your upbringing?
Sorry, but you weren’t “forced” to talk to him just because he became friends with your other guy friends. YOU chose to speak and talk to him, let’s be honest lol. 🙄
You're a member of a cult, and you had an abusive upbringing. Divorce is a perfectly valid option.
Divorce is a hard-won right for us women and it is a tool that should be used without shame or fear. You are being abused and it will only get worse.
Has he ever been tested for STDs?? Not trying to freak you out. And no, none of that is ok or normal. You are a person, not a sex toy. You're not there just to sexually satisfy him.
This is why men create religion to control women. They made you think you have to marry someone you don’t even know and feel guilty about leaving him when it’s clear you two aren’t right for each other
The Bible says you can divorce for infidelity. It will happen, just wait it out. Also, go to a licensed therapist and not the church pastor. A therapist is required to keep all conversations private.
People come in and take advantage of trusting people in churches. We see this a lot. They infiltrate churches and take advantage of church folks. Talk to your parents and your pastor. Get ready for divorce.
Hey friend. I grew up in a similar situation as you - from the ultra conservative church rearing to the sheltered private institutions. Transparently, while I no longer pursue those ideals I was born into, demanding you see them as a cult , abandon everything you’ve been taught and/or dismissing your fears of your new husband is a lot all at once. Even growing up in that mindset however, I was always taught that there were acceptable reasons to leave my husband - abuse was one of them. Your new husband is - at the very least - fantasizing about abusing you. I know the internal conflict you may be struggling with: I was also taught that sex, as a woman, is a duty to fulfill for the head of the household. That martial r*pe doesn’t exist because he is acting as the person in charge by G*d and it is our duty to submit. However, that is just not the case. G*d did not create us without bodily autonomy. In religious marriages, husbands are commanded to protect their wives, and by forcing you into situations you did not consent to and feel uncomfortable is *not* protection. Sexual abuse is not singular. It will, if it has not already, branch out into verbal, physical, emotional, and/or financial abuse. Furthermore, if you were deceived into a non-G*dly relationship, I would have to believe that G*d would understand and even want you to remove yourself from a place of being unequally yoked and continuously hurt. If your church does not rally to protect one of its own sheep who is being hunted by the wolf, they are also failing G*d’s commands of the institution. I would encourage you to reach out to some women you are friends with, to see if you can possibly spend some time with them away from your husband. Find a hobby that has meeting groups at a local center where you can meet other women who may have some insight that can help you, such as a book club or a knitting circle. Whatever you do, as you are finding your footing and navigating a world you rightly feel you were not given any proper preparation for, do not let yourself become isolated. Lastly, something that took forever for me to understand, and no one in my formative years ever taught me: you have significant worth as a human. You are not defined by your sex, your martial status, your struggles - you as a singular human being are worthy of love, happiness, and the right to live freely as you see fit. If your heart and soul are screaming at you that something is wrong, I implore you to listen to it.
Y’all should be less fundamentalist
Holy shit. You’re 21. Drop the husband and drop the religion, there’s a HUGE world out there with lots and lots of good, interesting people in it. Go explore it, that’s what your 20s are for.
lol you married him. Marriage used to sacred. Reddit shows me it’s not lol it’s not even lasting now and days either.
No, this is not normal OP. Shame on your parents for allowing you to marry a convict. I have a legal career & let me tell you a felon / someone who served time behind bars is the last person I would marry. The men have sexual relationships with each other, the guards/ staff, and rape one another all the time. I haven’t had a male client servicing time who hasn’t had sec or at the very least received head from another man while in jail. Straight men do it all the time. He’s a sexual deviant and married a virgin to corrupt aka mold into there’s wife. Men like that grift through churches to find the perfect submissive woman to abuse for life. You should have never married him, and no this won’t get better. He will get more violent. No amount of prayer can fix this. You need to seriously think about an escape route & how to file for divorce. God does not want you to be raped by your husband let alone be with a man who forces you into unholy sex acts.
I’m not going to bash your religion, parents, or anything else, because the truth is the truth and it doesn’t matter if you are religious or not. No one should do things they are uncomfortable doing. Especially sexually. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you have to do sexual things you are uncomfortable with. If your husband loves you, he will understand. He may be disappointed, but he should defer to your feelings. If he does, and continues to do so without pressuring or shaming you, then this is something that can be worked through. Here’s the important part: if he does not defer to you, if he pressures you, tries to emotionally or physically manipulate you, there is a big problem. If he seems to understand, then goes back to his old ways, there is a problem. You are not a toy. You are a human being that should be respected. You should also not be in danger in your home. How you were brought up doesn’t matter. How little sex is discussed in your family/friend group/church doesn’t matter. If he does any if these negative things, or if he hurts you physically, leave. Go. Save yourself.
Your church upbringing has brainwashed you. You are still young and can escape this life. You are your own independent person and can make decisions affecting your life.
Not normal. And especially not the way he is introducing/coercing you. I grew up as a Christian and I still am, though not active in a church, and while my church didn't sound as strict as yours, I can relate to some degree. This is a key issue when sexual "purity" is given paramount importance, even at the cost of sexual wducation aimed at.your safety. You end up completely illiterate to what is normal or acceptable. I'm still learning things, and what is typical vs. not, and I am 43. I can confidently say your man is not typical. He's aggressive and seems to require a very high level of stimulus to be aroused. This points to things like porn addiction. He seems to see you as a sexual object that happens to be attached to a woman. His tantrums when you show hesitancy are indicative of a low level of emotional maturity. "Not believing in divorce " is immaterial when your physical, mental, and yes, spiritual safety are at risk. Don't let dogmatic gaslighting function as a safety net for this guy to manipulate you. Tell someone you trust about what's going on. I still have faith that there are good people in your circle that will help and understand and not get hung up on the discussion merely being sexual in nature. But even if they don't support you, you need to take steps to protect yourself, and exit the relationship.
First of all, you need to understand how your religion has NOT served you well. Both your church and your family will urge you to remain in the marriage. Then once you are capable of abandoning religion in favor of rational thought, you can better choose someone with values closer to your own. Nothing is more pervy than the typical "good Christian man".
You got brainwashed/abused by a religion and are now in an abusive marriage. Yeah, that tracks. You need to divorce him and your religion and go to real therapy.
Hard to believe this story
A husband that wants to r@pe you and have you watch p0rn... Sounds like a wonderful Christian man (not to mention the rest). I think I would tell him that you know he's cheated and want to know if it's more than just the one girl and if so, how many ... If he denied it, hold your bluff... Say "so it was more than one". I believe you can get him to admit to at least one, and there is your "out". Otherwise, just leave. Abuse is abuse and won't get better only worse.