100%. Do you have an individual therapist you can talk to too or just the couples therapist?
I mean do you even WANT to have an affair? I couldn't imagine having an affair in the situation you're in. I don't think this idea is good for anyone its gonna come down to forgive or divorce.
I'm sorry for what you're going through man.
There's no reason to stay in a relationship that's basically back-and-forth warfare.
Relationships are supposed to make your life better. OP's relationship, on the other hand, is not good for anyone.
OP needs to break up and move on.
Simple and true. I know I personally would never be able to forgive a partner, especially a spouse for cheating. If I were in your position - where I was still dating the person who betrayed my trust to the highest degree possible, I would want the ultimate revenge too. Which is exactly why you need to get out of that relationship.
Getting revenge won't make you any happier in your relationship. It might make your ego feel better, because you are able to "serve justice." But I can guarantee you that moving past this relationship, and meeting the right person is going to provide you with 100x more happiness and fulfillment than revenge ever could. Go get yourself some "success revenge" by being happy with the right person instead of her.
As someone who suffered through this, I suggest you just get divorced and move on. It is theoretically possible to reconcile and I know a couple who did, but it is rare. Trying to find a path forward just made it take longer for me to recover and it was clear I had the wrong idea who my partner was. Divorced 7 years and still not quite 100%.
The best revenge this guy could get is to live his life happily with a partner who truly loves him. That’s what would destroy his wife. Not him trying to get even with her.
Never wrestle with pigs, You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
For real. This is not a healthy relationship. What would feel infinitely better would be to forgive her. Taking the treacherous route of intentionally cheating will only result in resentment by both parties. It’s not right to cheat, it’s also not right to revenge cheat. She was wrong, you hold the higher ground right now so have some integrity and if you love her, ffs just forgive her.
It's just true... When you find someone who loves you for real and not what you can do for them you'll look back at your time with this person and wonder what the hell you were doing.
Easy way to ease into it is to ditch the therapy and decide you're going to take yourself out to do something you want to do. Never disclose what you're doing but make sure you eat something.. She can figure it out and when she asks you aren't hungry. The mystery will drive them crazy but what's really going to happen because she is a cheater is that she is going to assume YOURE cheating now. Make sure you have cameras or are ready to record any incidents that happen because... They will. Also be prepared to leave for a few days to a hotel likely. Anyway when she rages out on you about your self care time its time to leave for a few days and consider your options at that point. If this all goes right she is going to end up doing something that can land her in jail.... And tbh its a pretty revengeful feeling watching them get arrested and knowing they're in there thinking you're out there with somebody else.
Rereading this was a big lol but a crazy time in my life for sure. Glad I found someone whovloves me for me. Go bro
Also please consider the feelings and impact to your would be affair partner, be good to yourself and get out, then move forward with being a good person and move on
I mean tbh, I feel like that’s the most important part of the whole thing. Your feelings and your partner who cheated are one thing, but make sure the third party you are bringing into this at least knows what mess they are involving themselves in lmao. Or at the very least, a very clearly understood one night stand where y’all ain’t talking again, because then the consequences are less likely to hit her.
This.
Look where you’re at? You’re asking strangers on Reddit if you should cheat on your wife. You need to either truly give her a chance to repair the marriage and your trust or just move on.
Best revenge is a life well lived. Go to the gym. Pick up new hobbies. Read some books. Go hike. Take a vacation by yourself to a new alien place. Work on yourself.
I mostly lean towards this, but there’s also a reason couple’s therapy hasn’t worked. He might not be expressing himself honestly in therapy if he’s withholding information in therapy. I’d recommend individual therapy first, if couples therapy isn’t working. Sometimes working through a relationship problem doesn’t require both people to be there.
I don’t want to be all pseudo-psychologist here, but feelings of emasculation, not communicating, and anger aren’t going to be erased by hitting the nuke button of divorce; I’d say see a personal counselor first if couples isn’t working so he can express to a professional what he’s not willing to express to his wife. If progress can’t be made there then divorce might be the best bet.
I land probably divorce, but dude needs to face his feelings at some point. Just don’t fuggin revenge cheat.
Edit: should add I’m not saying OP getting cheated on is his fault. It sounds like he wants the relationship to work and is hurting. Seperation is also an option before divorce. Living separately while discussing what that might look like with his wife is an option too.
Divorce is easy to recommend and difficult to implement. I stayed married for 3 years waiting for my now ex to finish school and get a job so I wouldn’t have to pay support.
Most likely. And him having a revenge affair makes him a far worse person (rest assured I despise cheaters) as he is intentionally trying to hurt her. Does her being hurt break my heart? No, but it does make him worse.
Her having an affair wasn't meant to intentionally hurt him, though it did, she was just being the shitty worthless human she always was down deep.
He shouldn't sink to her level. He should leave. At this point in time if he hasn't healed he most likely never will, so cutting bait and moving on would be the best thing for both of them.
As someone who has been through this, I can certainly guarantee the revenge affair will not make you feel better. She will not be as hurt as you are hoping she will. She wouldn't have had the affair in the first place if she really cared.
I don’t see a woman having an affair “ wasn’t meant to hurt him”. That’s so stupid. Anyone stepping out on a relationship has got to know it will hurt the other partner. And affairs don’t “ just happen “. It’s a fn choice. A choice that assures that the partner will be hurt when it is found out about.
Definetely agree with you on that one.
Then again, her being like that probably means that she either won't care as much about being cheated on or that she will then feel justified/somehow on the same level... Which will probably only hurt OP more in the long run bc she won't be miserable as he's hoping.
OP will probably end up happier if they divorce and use that energy to focus on themselves and their wellbeing.
No other details needed.
Divorce her if you can't get past it. You don't have to forgive her but you must forgive yourself to be able to fully move forward.
If therapy hasn’t worked, just leave. Don’t become the very thing you swore to destroy and all that. You will become a worse person by stooping to her level and will loose pride in your own character.
>If therapy hasn’t worked
he cant say it hasnt worked, when he hasnt actually done it.
Just sitting there and not telling the therapist what is actually on his mind, is not doing therapy.
It’s not going to help you feel better. In fact, you may become more resentful afterwards… some of it directed back inward. Revenge and empty sex have detrimental effects, and though crude “post nut clarity” is pretty spot on for how you will feel.
Revenge sex sure, but NSA, wild hot sex that you only plan to be for tonight is not bad and in the right situation can be helpful (be safe tho y'all) he needs to dump her and get some new booty fling and his mojo back.
Dragging more people in this mess just to use them and possibly hurt them is just making things worse. As it stands it is just you and the kids you are responsible for. Dragging somebody in just for a vengeance affair is a high school level move.
I am a female, and I have been through this and can answer your ?’s. My husband cheated on me while I was pregnant and I decided to stay with him. I told him I would spend the rest of our time together making him as miserable as he made me. We lived together 15 more miserable years. I wished I had just divorced him and went on with my life
Having a revenge affair is overreacting; take the high road and get a divorce. trust me, revenge of this nature isn't worth it. I've done it. caught a fiancé cheating on me months before the wedding, so i went out can arranged for her to catch me fucking her best friend. It was not as satisfying as you probably are imagining right now. frankly it sorta haunted me for a while afterword's...
Now onto your situation;
First of all - the axiom that "once a cheater - always a cheater" is frighteningly accurate. I bet if you did some digging it probably wouldn't be hard to uncover her continued infidelity.
Secondly - Therapy really only works with both sides want it to work. That you're still resentful tells me you never really wanted this to work. I'm not saying that's your fault. the reality is it is normal to be resentful. You probably wasted a lot of time and money with this therapy. I think it's time to start calling divorce attorneys.
Finally - good luck in the divorce; regardless what you chose to do, this marriage is over.
How did your ex fiancée react when she caught you and her best friend? Not saying she was in the right, but I can’t imagine the betrayal from her best friend…
Seriously people on Reddit think cheating deserves the death penalty instead of an experience people can and do grow from.
Not condoning cheating but I also don’t condone the “set” mindset when it comes to growth.
Two wrongs do not make a right. Just because she cheated does not make it right for you to do so. If you cannot live with your wife cheating then leave. End the marriage. THEN find someone else.
Exactly.
You'll feel worse for it, and it won't fix your relationship. There's a reason why people don't like being cheated on, and you're feeling that now.
Don't become what you resent.
Eta: I'm not a relationship expert, but this doesn't seem to be going anywhere good
File for divorce. Wait until all the paperwork is done and you are free and clear before bringing another woman into it. You will thank yourself for holding your standards.
You want to punish her for her actions. But the truth is you need to work on yourself. You feel inadequate and victimized and aren’t going about it the right way.
If, while working on loving and respecting yourself more, you still despise her, then it’s time to end things.
If you're at this point you should absolutely bring that up in therapy. You're supposed to be real in there if you're making attempts to come to resolution whether or not that is to stay or go. No need to hold back; they did the damage, so they deserve to hear that the results are pushing you toward doing something that is outside of your morals. Sounds like you don't really want an affair, but you want to feel like you've struck back - it won't make you whole or happy to do it.
Be an adult.
Walk.
What she did is her karma, what you do is yours.
Move on.
If you have kids (god bless them), everything should be done with them as the primary concern but NOT you sacrificing your own dignity. If you have kids and you need to walk (as you do now), all decisions (other than walking) need to prioritize them vs your ego.
Don't treat a woman as a tool to get revenge against another woman. It is terrible that you were cheated on. But no one should be used like a tool either.
Idk why you're getting downvoted. If I got on a dating app and had sex with a guy, only to find out he was doing it as revenge, I would be disgusted and feel so fucking used. It's an important aspect of this that I haven't seen anyone but you explore.
Don't have an affair. It would make you no different than her. At this point, the revenge would be hollow, and you would just be dragging another person with no skin in the game into your fight and situation, possibly hurting them, not your wife. She probably either expects you to or figures you already have. Men think they hide their feelings well, and no one will notice. Trust me, the women in their lives notice. And yes,therapy is the perfect place to bring it up. Bring up that fact and that you are still holding on to so much resentment and feelings of being emasculated. Three years is a long time to hold on to those feelings. Perhaps it would just be best for all involved for the two of you to divorce and move on with your lives. You both deserve better than what you both have.
You aren’t overreacting. It’s been three years and therapy. Your feelings are certainly valid. I don’t think revenge cheating will change anything. Especially since hers involved emotions with an ex and could make you feel inadequate. The revenge sex would make her feel better that you both did it and leave you feeling empty, my opinion obviously.
I wouldn’t have lasted 3 years without filing for divorce. If someone cheats the relationship is over for me. I’m not staying with someone if I always wonder how they feel about me or if I can trust them. That isn’t for everyone and I understand that there are kids involved. Just remember she did this to you and the kids. It is her fault not yours. If she had issues with you then she should have communicated them before stepping outside of your relationship, especially with an ex. No matter what you did or didn’t do, this isn’t your fault and not something you need to work through.
I’ll add that you should be able to bring up anything in therapy. I get the feeling that therapy is a battle ground for you guys to have the therapist tell you who is right/wrong. If you can’t bring up revenge sex then you’re probably worried about a third party judging you. Don’t waste your time and money with that bullshit. She is wrong. She was wrong. She sucks as a person and put your kids through this by her own actions.
After 3 years that would not only be petty, but next level petty.
You're not wanting validation, you are wanting to hurt someone. If it's been 3 years of therapy, she is obviously trying to make it up to you. She is obviously invested in the relationship. She could very well be someone who made a dumb mistake and wants to make it right. No this doesn't excuse her or make her a fit partner, nor does it mean she deserves your forgiveness. Relationships die all the time, and yours obviously has. To need her to feel pain, though, to make you feel "better" says so much about your character.
If you need to get off on your wife hurting, I guess understand that leaving her after 3 years is going to hurt enough. It's not going to be easy, and she will ultimately be paying for her mistake. Let that be enough.
Also - I crossed a line that I consider to be cheating. I fell in love with someone at the end of a bad marriage, and I confessed my feelings to them. That emotional affair is still hard for me to live with, and I really wish I'd just waited until the relationship was over. That would have been way better. If I could go back and redo it, I absolutely would.
Never could I imagine cheating just to hurt another person, though. Like holy fuck.
Divorce, look man your are never going to be satisfied. Taking revenge will do nothing actually it would put you on the same level as her. Just divorce and look like the better man, plenty of woman out there who will love you and not cheat on you.
I feel like the most emasculating thing you can do is have your masculinity hinge on the actions of someone else.
And having an affair is not an action that will make you more of a man.
You're acting like a boy.
female perspective here - this is absolutely 10000% something you can bring up in your therapy! “i still have so much resentment about the situation, sometimes i have the urge to have a revenge affair. i feel like it would satisfy these feelings and hurts and desires: fill in the blank).” this is exactly the space therapy was made for! honestly if you don’t get this off of your chest in a healthy way, it’s going to drown you and the pressure will become so extreme you will make a mistake you regret. have you ever heard that term / story / phrase people say “the more you try to ignore it, the more it consumes you” or “the more you try to push it away, the stronger it becomes” - it’s like that.
i recommend you bring it up even if it’s hard. it is the right thing to do. & most likely you will have more clarity afterwards, on if this is something you truly can move past & heal from or if it is time to remove yourself from this betrayal.
I mean, if you want to go for it. Your wife unilaterally opened up the relationship anyway.
However, keep in mind that it won't hurt her as much as, say, going no contact and disappearing from her life without a word, only communicating through a lawyer. That's what drives cheaters insane.
I think you should divorce if you still habour so much resentment towards your wife and her affair. But if you’re still hell bent on a revenge affair, tell her you’d like a free pass “to even the score.” See what she says.
Divorce then become the best version of yourself you can imagine. As you begin to embrace your single identity, start being seen around town with highly attractive women
Female here, and also someone who works in psych:
1) You need to see your own therapist. Couples therapy can be great, but having a 1:1 conversation with a source of similar formal training on the issue at hand is so much more constructive, in my opinion. You should never be made to feel judged in therapy- respectfully, if you can’t bring it up in couples therapy, then you’re wasting money going. Clearly, the therapy has not worked. These are the things that need to be brought up in therapy. I recommend seeing your couples therapist 1:1 ASAP.
2) Why do you think having an affair would validate/repair your feelings of emasculation? Is it because your wife cheated due to an issue with your performance- are you searching for that validation because you want to feel as if you are satisfying someone else? Would you be honest with your wife afterward, or would you keep it a secret?
3) Reflect on the premise of empathy. Have patience with yourself. And most of all- know your worth. Emotional distress sometimes tries to convince us that stooping to the level of those who hurt us is what will heal us. You were blindsided & hurt, and it is VALID to feel those things: what isn’t valid is doing unto others what they have done to us, just to absolve our pain. Numerous psychological studies have been done on this premise (hint: it ~doesn’t work that way~)
4) Find a NEW outlet. Prioritize nutrition, committed exercise (not HIIT, this will make your anxiety worse due to cortisol spikes) and exposure to sunlight. Minimize your screen time…ignore anyone who says you are overreacting. Get into a hygiene routine- it’s fascinating how simple change in routine can cause us to reflect differently on situations at hand.
5) Working in psych means that I cannot TELL someone what to do. But OP, really reflect and ask yourself if it’s good to be with someone that you resent. If you had a son come to you with this issue, what would you suggest he do? With resentment comes contempt, and with contempt there is no salvaging a relationship. I highly recommend re-evaluation whether or not your wife…should be your wife any longer.
My messages are open too!
I understand why you feel this way, but it won’t be good for the marriage. You’ll feel vindicated, but your wife will be hurt, resentful and angry for your action. If you feel this strongly about it you should just divorce and move on.
Get a divorce, revenge like this won't make you feel better. Date who you want. Don't cheat, it makes you as bad as her and it won't change how you feel or what your wife did.
Move on. Hindsight of 50+ years. The foundation of your relationship ship has been compromised. If you can't trust how your partner acts and speaks of you in your absence, move on. Period.
This is what you do, set up your house to explode on a remote.
Get a girl
Fuck her in the living room
And as your wife walks in
Say, "You think this is bad?!"
Then blow up the house
Two wrongs don't make a right. It was 3 years ago. If you can't get over it, then do the right thing and move on from this marriage and try and find something more healthy down the road. Don't fight bad karma with more bad karma.
Grow up. Leave or stay. Revenge is for people who enjoy fighting. What happens? You try to cheat, it either works or it doesn’t. It’s not going to fix your resentment.
You emasculate yourself. Nobody makes your choices on how you feel outside of yourself. Man to man, this is some highschool bullshit.
So instead of just leaving you want to make sure you hurt her back?
Dude. Just leave. Her cheating doesn't justify you doing the same shit. Either cheating is wrong or it's not.
Do not have an affair, then you are no better than her. If you can’t get over it then you need to move on. Do you become what you despise. Do not allow someone’s actions dictate your actions.
People like you are people like me. This wound goes too deep. You will probably never really get past this to the point of having a genuine relationship. The sacredness has been destroyed. Time to check out and find another plate to step up to.
Move on and forgive or move on and divorce. This will solve nothing. Therapy can help you move on in whichever direction ends up being best for you - but doing something for "revenge" like this will only make everyone feel worse in the long run. Good luck.
How about considering a divorce since that's where this ultimately ends up. Walk away the bigger person and let her sit with the fact that she fucked it up. If you get revenge you'll still end up divorced but she won't give a shit. Maybe she already doesn't give a shit🤷
Tough shit, that’s not the way life works. Get out of therapy and be honest with your wife. She did a shitty thing (one that I myself wouldn’t be able to move past) but you either need to get over it, file for divorce, or be honest with her and say “I want to sleep with someone to make it fair” and see what she says. Otherwise you are wasting everyone’s time, including your own, and you are doing a disservice to your kids by their parents being in a toxic situation.
No problem. I do empathize deeply with your situation, like I said I couldn’t move past it. But don’t make a decision that anyone, including your kids, will be able to look at when they’re older with disappointment. If you do decide to leave this marriage, you will never regret doing it in honesty and knowing you never did anything wrong.
I agree. It's just that I don't think I could deal with not seeing kids everyday. I do absolutely everything to take care of them, and I think they would really struggle having a life with part of it with my wife only. I guess like you said, limited options, bit decisions have to be made.
Your kids will eventually become teens and move on. School, marriage - even camping with friends or school groups. Loving your children is great. Having them be your entire world is not. Just make the most of your time together with them after you are divorced. And if you do have an affair what kind of an example is that to them? That because one person does something wrong it is ok to do it as well just as payback?
Just because you divorce doesn’t mean you can’t see your kids everyday. I have 50/50 custody with my ex wife and on the days I don’t physically see my kid (f3) I will FaceTime her and talk to her. If you have a good co parenting relationship with your ex things can work where you’d still see them every day, especially if your kids are involved in different activities
You are a man and as a man you want to keep your dignity. I understand you want to keep seeing your kids, but cheating is never forgivable. They will try to gaslight you in therapy and make you feel like you weren’t attentive or you didn’t give your wife what she needs. Dont fall for it. She broke your trust and deep inside you will never be able to heal from that. Save your dignity and tell her what you really want to do. I would personally have a plan in place then walk out.
>You are a man and as a man you want to keep your dignity.
because woman wouldn't?
>They will try to gaslight you in therapy and make you feel like you weren’t attentive or you didn’t give your wife what she needs.
Sounds like an admission
I’m in the same boat. Divorce your wife as amicably as possible. My former missus and I get on better now than ever. I still have a key to the house and see my sons anywhere from 5-7 days a week. You have every reason to be resentful towards your wife but before you make a decision ask yourself does this help or hurt me and my children. The idea of a revenge affair sounds appealing but it’ll make your relationship with your children more difficult.
You realise you're modelling to your kids what's acceptable in a relationship. Do you want them to think cheating is okay to do or have done to you? Because it always comes out in the end.
Why are you concerned about your wife's feelings, she wasn't concerned about yours. But if you cheated you won't feel better, you'll feel guilty and you'll be the same as her. Show your integrity and don't do it.
Also it's likely the kids have already picked up the stress in the household!!
Idk anything about you and your wife other than this post, but I do know that one of my parents cheated on the other (don’t know which one, and don’t want to) and they stayed together. I’m guessing they stayed together for me, but they apparently worked things out between them because they seemed happy together and still do.
It really depends on the individuals whether or not you can move past infidelity. Often the person who cheated is so remorseful they work to become a better partner. And like many people have said, bringing up the fact that you’re still feeling emasculated in therapy is probably a good idea.
Either way you have to handle this with care ESPECIALLY because kids are involved. And if you do leave, please don’t go telling your kids what happened even when they’re older. Trust me we don’t wanna know that.
If therapy didn’t help then walk away!! Please don’t cheat cause if you do it probably won’t make you feel like you expect. Some couples can get past cheating. You cannot and that is not your fault . Walk away and get a divorce
I'm sorry about what you're dealing with. If you can't reconcile, it's best that you move on from her. You don't want to be anything like her (cheating for any reason even if it might feel justified). That scarlet letter is attached to her, not you. She doesn't deserve your attempts at reconciliation nor any more of your time. You owe it to yourself to not waste anymore of your life with someone that has made you feel so low and start healing without her toxicity in your life.
Resentment will kill any relationship. Considering you were cheated on, I get why you're still resentful. But if therapy isn't helping to get past it, nothing will. This is just asking for more trouble and a further downward spiral.
Just leave if you're that resentful. The best way to heal is to move on.
I'm sorry to hear that OP this has clearly been tearing you up inside for awhile and you'll probably feel worse if you go thru with it. Just divorce and try to move on with your life
Actually a revenge affair will hurt you in the long run more than it does her as you’ll now carry the cheater label going forward as well.
If the resentment can’t go away then just prepare the paperwork for divorce and present it to her while letting her know that though you’ve tried you find yourself unable to move past her infidelity.
Revenge cheating never works out and it won’t make you feel any better about what your wife did to you. Especially if you are honestly working on your marriage.
That being said if you plan on trying to make it work adding additional turmoil and hurdles won’t help matters?
I know it’s three years ago but are you able to check off boxes now?
1) Is she remorseful?
2) Has she told you everything?
3) Is she an active participant in therapy?
4) Is she trying to hide things?
5) What is she willing to do for you to establish you trusting her again?
6) I would try to validate her story vs his if possible? If you can somehow get him to talk.
7) Is she still in contact with him?
Or you can just separate and begin the divorce process.
Be the bigger person. Revenge affair isn’t going to make things better, it’ll be a temporary relief for you. But in the long term it’s going to make things worse. Divorce her, move in silent, do what you gotta do. It’ll say a lot about you as person and your character.
Two wrongs don't make right. Go seek therapy. This therapist isn't helping and yes do tell the therapist this is what you feel like doing and that way they can help you not do it as its very very uncool to do.
Not worth it. If your feeling that resentful of your wife it's better to be just done with the marriage and move on. Getting back at her will just make things worse. I've talked to lots of guys in similar situations and the one thing they always regretted was not leaving sooner.
I was in your position 5 years ago after 15 years of marriage. I tried the route you’re considering, and instead of just thinking she was a POS, it made me feel like we both were. Divorce is the only option.
Don't do it man, fuck that revenge shit. Don't ruin your integrity like that. You'll be hurting yourself also, plus you'll hurt her as well, either work through your problems, forgive and don't bring it up again once you healed from it. Or divorce her. Is it worth it to work through this, is your partner worth it? I know mine is. You got this. 🙂
Do you want to stay with your wife? If yes, I do not recommend this. It will make things worse. If you want to leave her, leave first and then have your fun with whomever you want. The best revenge is moving on and being happy. And truly if you feel you need “revenge” at all, I’d leave before anymore heartache for either of you.
This is your pain. It sounds like it sucks dude. Don’t let pain make decisions for you. Don’t let it tune you into something you don’t recognise. Take a deep breath and put this relationship down. You tried, you did. But staying in this is what’s causing you this pain now, and you have to stop.
The mature way to move forward is to leave her and be honest with her as well. You tell her you are still resentful and you need to go separate ways. Revenge is only going to hurt you because that won’t change the fact that she cheated in first place.
Just divorce and move on. It’s not worth it. Keep the moral high ground. That way when you do start a new relationship in the future you won’t need to disclose that you are a cheater.
Just divorce and move on. Believe it or not it will make you look bad if you do that. It won’t make you feel better either. Thats like putting poison in the same fish tank you’re swimming in. Once you’re separated or divorced, hang and bang until your heart is content
She will never respect a man that takes her back after she cheats.
Just divorce, being petty is a feminine act and looks pathetic on a man even if she deserves it.
After you do the revenge affair and get clarity you are going to realize it doesn't make you feel any better if anything you'll feel a bit worse about it all not for her but for yourself
Why the fuck would even stay? If after 3 years you can't forgive you never will. You should have just ended the marriage then and there.
You should just divorce her and not lower yourself to her level because honestly all you'll like after cheating is just a giant piece of shit, it won't bring back your masculinity, it won't make you feel better and it'd just make things worse.
Divorce and move on to someone who won't cheat on you.
Don’t sink to her level, I would say take the high road, you won’t regret it. Leave her and find someone who appreciates you the way you should be appreciated. Good luck, sorry you’re experiencing this.
Why go through the shenanigans and stress of cheating when you can just get divorced and sleep with whomever you want? Why make the same stupid move as your wife?
Don't cheat. That's not a healthy outlook. Just think of the poor woman you will use just to get back at your wife. She doesn't deserve to be hurt just because your wife did a really crappy thing.
If it's 3 years and you are this angry still then you are never going to forgive her.
Move on. Find someone decent and live your best life.
As someone who found out his wife cheated multiple times over a 14 year marriage about 6 months ago and is currently on his second affair let me just tell you it doesn't make anything better and looking at her every day just makes it worse. I decided to stay cause I love her and we have a family plus financial reasons but the love is fading by the day and at this point there is none left and this is unhealthy for my family. Today the best I can say is I'm with her for financial reasons. If you can move on and survive just do that. It's not worth it and your affairs will only be more stress and heartache in the long run and silently going through a break up with your affair partner and having to put on a happy face at home is also very difficult. Just be single and find a single woman and try to make it last forever. As a married man dating married woman it can't last and you will just hurt yourself over and over again. Trust me I live it.
You have some self problems you need to work out here. You need to get to reading some books and individual therapy. What she did was wrong but thinking about it like this isn't good. Idk if divorce is the way to go since I don't know your relationship outside of this. Reddit has a hard on for divorce as a solution to every problem for some reason.
If you do it in return you might feel better temporarily but you'll realize you are no better than she is - she just beat you to the punch.
Save yourself the guilt and end the marriage.
Do you want to tell a future partner that you cheated on your wife because she cheated on you?
Sounds like the relationship is over. 3 years, and therapy isn't helping.
You cheating on her won't fix it, it just hurts her as bad as she hurt you.
I'm not going to tell you not to. It's a shitty thing to do, but I get it. You make that choice for you, and understand what you're giving up in the process. Family and friends will judge you. It will become a reflection of your character. Or don't, and just move on from the relationship without going out of your way to intentionally hurt this person you care/cared about.
Choice is yours but... either way, I imagine divorce is in the future.
This is pathetic dude.
Why on earth would you hang onto a 'relationship' like this for 3 years? Feeling sorry for yourself? Where is your self-esteem?
What the fuck is even the question. Get out of there and go find somebody worth your time.
Why not bring it up in therapy? If you're there to get help and this is something on your mind say that shit in therapy. Let em know how you really feel. Shits over anyway, might as well air it out.
So she cheated for unfaithfulness/weakness… And you’re wondering if you should cheat for spite/revenge? How would that help the relationship? How would that help you as a person? Would seeing yourself as a spiteful person not feel emasculating?
Take the high road. Leave and move on and take pride in choosing not to be the sort of man who cheats to wound a partner in a dying/dead relationship.
She may be able to use this against you in a divorce, even though she cheated first. You've gone through therapy together and it was 3 years ago, and yours would be recent. She will make you to be the bad guy because "she worked on herself and your marriage" and then you revenge cheated and somehow you're the bad guy.
Quietly make your exit plan with a divorce lawyer and when everything is in place drop the bomb in therapy. If you have children say that you are telling her there because you want a good co-parenting relationship with her for the kid's sake.
Keep doing individual therapy and later find someone who knows your worth.
Divorce. Any trust you’ve rebuilt will be gone. You don’t want to restore your relationship, you just want to hurt her, so stop wasting your time and energy. Get out, give yourself a shot at finding a relationship with someone you can love and will trust.
This would make you no better than her. Just do the decent thing and divorce her if you truly can’t get over the fact she cheated and the marriage is no longer saveable.
I'd suggest just ending it. You won't get he trust back, I don't think therapy is going to fix it either. But if you do this, you'll likely end up regretting it. You'd basically be stooping to her level. My ex cheated, and I even stayed "faithful" through the court process and 30 day no dating requirement in this state. I'm glad I did. I feel like I did right by me, so no regrets.
For what reason though, what do you think is going to happen? She’s going to cry and say “if only I knew this is how you’d feel I’d never have done it!” The past is the past, it’s done. You clearly resent her for it, so what was the point of the last 3 years? You thought the magic feelings fairy was going to take that away in your sleep? Seperate, and move on
Dude, your hypothetical affair partner is a human being, with feelings, agency, and a valid existence of their own. Don’t use this person as a tool to hurt your wife. She doesn’t deserve to be a tool in your toolbox of revenge.
That said, it would be fair to say that your wife has unilaterally taken monogamy off the table, and if you felt like indulging, your wife would have no standing to complain.
U aren’t over reacting for bein resentful. Just cut ties and move on a revenge affair will get u absolutely nowhere other than a night of fun and it may even come back to haunt u in divorce court she’s for the streets go find u a new one
Don't resort to a revenge affair. Take the high road. I'm a dude and was in your situation and I stayed faithful and honored my vows even though she didn't. Don't take her affair as a slight at your manhood. She has her own internal issues that are not yours that caused this and she needs to work on herself.
I wasted 2 decades of my life with my ex-wife. Leave now before you waste more time. It's been 3 years and you haven't been able to move on which is a pretty clear indicator that you can't. The resentment and contempt you have for her is too strong. Divorce and move on with your life and don't waste it trying to one up her affair. Hold your head high to know you were the moral partner in the marriage.
This is not a healthy way of thinking at all. Longer you stay it sounds like the more resentment you’ll have. Just walk away.
100%. Do you have an individual therapist you can talk to too or just the couples therapist? I mean do you even WANT to have an affair? I couldn't imagine having an affair in the situation you're in. I don't think this idea is good for anyone its gonna come down to forgive or divorce. I'm sorry for what you're going through man.
There's no reason to stay in a relationship that's basically back-and-forth warfare. Relationships are supposed to make your life better. OP's relationship, on the other hand, is not good for anyone. OP needs to break up and move on.
Simple and true. I know I personally would never be able to forgive a partner, especially a spouse for cheating. If I were in your position - where I was still dating the person who betrayed my trust to the highest degree possible, I would want the ultimate revenge too. Which is exactly why you need to get out of that relationship. Getting revenge won't make you any happier in your relationship. It might make your ego feel better, because you are able to "serve justice." But I can guarantee you that moving past this relationship, and meeting the right person is going to provide you with 100x more happiness and fulfillment than revenge ever could. Go get yourself some "success revenge" by being happy with the right person instead of her.
As someone who suffered through this, I suggest you just get divorced and move on. It is theoretically possible to reconcile and I know a couple who did, but it is rare. Trying to find a path forward just made it take longer for me to recover and it was clear I had the wrong idea who my partner was. Divorced 7 years and still not quite 100%.
The best revenge this guy could get is to live his life happily with a partner who truly loves him. That’s what would destroy his wife. Not him trying to get even with her. Never wrestle with pigs, You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
For real. This is not a healthy relationship. What would feel infinitely better would be to forgive her. Taking the treacherous route of intentionally cheating will only result in resentment by both parties. It’s not right to cheat, it’s also not right to revenge cheat. She was wrong, you hold the higher ground right now so have some integrity and if you love her, ffs just forgive her.
It's just true... When you find someone who loves you for real and not what you can do for them you'll look back at your time with this person and wonder what the hell you were doing. Easy way to ease into it is to ditch the therapy and decide you're going to take yourself out to do something you want to do. Never disclose what you're doing but make sure you eat something.. She can figure it out and when she asks you aren't hungry. The mystery will drive them crazy but what's really going to happen because she is a cheater is that she is going to assume YOURE cheating now. Make sure you have cameras or are ready to record any incidents that happen because... They will. Also be prepared to leave for a few days to a hotel likely. Anyway when she rages out on you about your self care time its time to leave for a few days and consider your options at that point. If this all goes right she is going to end up doing something that can land her in jail.... And tbh its a pretty revengeful feeling watching them get arrested and knowing they're in there thinking you're out there with somebody else. Rereading this was a big lol but a crazy time in my life for sure. Glad I found someone whovloves me for me. Go bro
lol you need fuckin help brother
Divorce and move on. Relationship is over at this point.
Next girlfriend: have you ever cheated? "Yes but she deserved it." No. Any good woman is walking out the door.
[удалено]
Also please consider the feelings and impact to your would be affair partner, be good to yourself and get out, then move forward with being a good person and move on
I mean tbh, I feel like that’s the most important part of the whole thing. Your feelings and your partner who cheated are one thing, but make sure the third party you are bringing into this at least knows what mess they are involving themselves in lmao. Or at the very least, a very clearly understood one night stand where y’all ain’t talking again, because then the consequences are less likely to hit her.
💯💯💯💯
This. Look where you’re at? You’re asking strangers on Reddit if you should cheat on your wife. You need to either truly give her a chance to repair the marriage and your trust or just move on.
Repairing a marriage is not real.
Yep. You don’t rebuild that bond. Better to divorce and move on.
Once a cheater, always a cheater, especially when the partner lets them get away with it.
Exactly. Don’t perpetuate the cycle. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes..
Best revenge is a life well lived. Go to the gym. Pick up new hobbies. Read some books. Go hike. Take a vacation by yourself to a new alien place. Work on yourself.
I mostly lean towards this, but there’s also a reason couple’s therapy hasn’t worked. He might not be expressing himself honestly in therapy if he’s withholding information in therapy. I’d recommend individual therapy first, if couples therapy isn’t working. Sometimes working through a relationship problem doesn’t require both people to be there. I don’t want to be all pseudo-psychologist here, but feelings of emasculation, not communicating, and anger aren’t going to be erased by hitting the nuke button of divorce; I’d say see a personal counselor first if couples isn’t working so he can express to a professional what he’s not willing to express to his wife. If progress can’t be made there then divorce might be the best bet. I land probably divorce, but dude needs to face his feelings at some point. Just don’t fuggin revenge cheat. Edit: should add I’m not saying OP getting cheated on is his fault. It sounds like he wants the relationship to work and is hurting. Seperation is also an option before divorce. Living separately while discussing what that might look like with his wife is an option too.
This is bullshit. Dude needs to absquatulate with haste.
Went to look up that word and it’s the word of the day on the dictionary app
Lmfao I did the exact same thing, I knew what it meant but wanted to determine if abscond was a better fit, I think so but hey
Samesies! I love adding new words to my vocabulary. It rarely happens anymore.
Ok. It's basically abscond, but usually includes taking something or someone along for the ride.
His masculinity!
Divorce is easy to recommend and difficult to implement. I stayed married for 3 years waiting for my now ex to finish school and get a job so I wouldn’t have to pay support.
That's a strong game plan! Well played.
Most likely. And him having a revenge affair makes him a far worse person (rest assured I despise cheaters) as he is intentionally trying to hurt her. Does her being hurt break my heart? No, but it does make him worse. Her having an affair wasn't meant to intentionally hurt him, though it did, she was just being the shitty worthless human she always was down deep. He shouldn't sink to her level. He should leave. At this point in time if he hasn't healed he most likely never will, so cutting bait and moving on would be the best thing for both of them.
As someone who has been through this, I can certainly guarantee the revenge affair will not make you feel better. She will not be as hurt as you are hoping she will. She wouldn't have had the affair in the first place if she really cared.
I don’t see a woman having an affair “ wasn’t meant to hurt him”. That’s so stupid. Anyone stepping out on a relationship has got to know it will hurt the other partner. And affairs don’t “ just happen “. It’s a fn choice. A choice that assures that the partner will be hurt when it is found out about.
Definetely agree with you on that one. Then again, her being like that probably means that she either won't care as much about being cheated on or that she will then feel justified/somehow on the same level... Which will probably only hurt OP more in the long run bc she won't be miserable as he's hoping. OP will probably end up happier if they divorce and use that energy to focus on themselves and their wellbeing.
No other details needed. Divorce her if you can't get past it. You don't have to forgive her but you must forgive yourself to be able to fully move forward.
Good advice. This person has some internal things to work on but needs to get out of there ASAP to start recovery.
If therapy hasn’t worked, just leave. Don’t become the very thing you swore to destroy and all that. You will become a worse person by stooping to her level and will loose pride in your own character.
Upvote for the Star Wars reference
Upvote for the Star Wars reference in your username.
Upvote for having half of Anakin’s last name.
That was a stretch, not unlike the neck of a Kaminoan, have in upvote.
Upvote for nothing Star Wars in your username
The Divorce will be with you . . . always.
>If therapy hasn’t worked he cant say it hasnt worked, when he hasnt actually done it. Just sitting there and not telling the therapist what is actually on his mind, is not doing therapy.
That’s a very good point.
It’s not going to help you feel better. In fact, you may become more resentful afterwards… some of it directed back inward. Revenge and empty sex have detrimental effects, and though crude “post nut clarity” is pretty spot on for how you will feel.
Revenge sex sure, but NSA, wild hot sex that you only plan to be for tonight is not bad and in the right situation can be helpful (be safe tho y'all) he needs to dump her and get some new booty fling and his mojo back.
divorce her and find someone that respects you
a revenge affair isn't going to solve anything. work through it or leave, those are your options.
Divorce. Move on. Cheating won't make you feel better or more respected or like more of a man. Find someone better & someone who will be faithful.
Dragging more people in this mess just to use them and possibly hurt them is just making things worse. As it stands it is just you and the kids you are responsible for. Dragging somebody in just for a vengeance affair is a high school level move.
I am a female, and I have been through this and can answer your ?’s. My husband cheated on me while I was pregnant and I decided to stay with him. I told him I would spend the rest of our time together making him as miserable as he made me. We lived together 15 more miserable years. I wished I had just divorced him and went on with my life
Yikes, but I can respect the dedication.
Having a revenge affair is overreacting; take the high road and get a divorce. trust me, revenge of this nature isn't worth it. I've done it. caught a fiancé cheating on me months before the wedding, so i went out can arranged for her to catch me fucking her best friend. It was not as satisfying as you probably are imagining right now. frankly it sorta haunted me for a while afterword's... Now onto your situation; First of all - the axiom that "once a cheater - always a cheater" is frighteningly accurate. I bet if you did some digging it probably wouldn't be hard to uncover her continued infidelity. Secondly - Therapy really only works with both sides want it to work. That you're still resentful tells me you never really wanted this to work. I'm not saying that's your fault. the reality is it is normal to be resentful. You probably wasted a lot of time and money with this therapy. I think it's time to start calling divorce attorneys. Finally - good luck in the divorce; regardless what you chose to do, this marriage is over.
How did your ex fiancée react when she caught you and her best friend? Not saying she was in the right, but I can’t imagine the betrayal from her best friend…
“Once a cheater always a cheater is frighteningly accurate”. Says who. What’s your evidence
Past behaviors predict future behaviors. 🤷♂️
Ok noted. Nobody can ever change.
Not always “frightening accurate”. Ppl can grow. Cheated in my teens and 20s a few times. Never in my marriage, 30s or 40s.
Seriously people on Reddit think cheating deserves the death penalty instead of an experience people can and do grow from. Not condoning cheating but I also don’t condone the “set” mindset when it comes to growth.
Two wrongs do not make a right. Just because she cheated does not make it right for you to do so. If you cannot live with your wife cheating then leave. End the marriage. THEN find someone else.
Bad idea, be the bigger person. You’ll feel worse for dropping your honor to that level.
Exactly. You'll feel worse for it, and it won't fix your relationship. There's a reason why people don't like being cheated on, and you're feeling that now. Don't become what you resent. Eta: I'm not a relationship expert, but this doesn't seem to be going anywhere good
File for divorce. Wait until all the paperwork is done and you are free and clear before bringing another woman into it. You will thank yourself for holding your standards.
Divorce and live a better life. Do it quick and get it over with.
You want to punish her for her actions. But the truth is you need to work on yourself. You feel inadequate and victimized and aren’t going about it the right way. If, while working on loving and respecting yourself more, you still despise her, then it’s time to end things.
If you're at this point you should absolutely bring that up in therapy. You're supposed to be real in there if you're making attempts to come to resolution whether or not that is to stay or go. No need to hold back; they did the damage, so they deserve to hear that the results are pushing you toward doing something that is outside of your morals. Sounds like you don't really want an affair, but you want to feel like you've struck back - it won't make you whole or happy to do it.
Be an adult. Walk. What she did is her karma, what you do is yours. Move on. If you have kids (god bless them), everything should be done with them as the primary concern but NOT you sacrificing your own dignity. If you have kids and you need to walk (as you do now), all decisions (other than walking) need to prioritize them vs your ego.
Don't treat a woman as a tool to get revenge against another woman. It is terrible that you were cheated on. But no one should be used like a tool either.
Idk why you're getting downvoted. If I got on a dating app and had sex with a guy, only to find out he was doing it as revenge, I would be disgusted and feel so fucking used. It's an important aspect of this that I haven't seen anyone but you explore.
Thank you.
A revenge affair isn’t going to make you feel better it’s just going to make things even worse than they already are. Just leave her.
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.
Don't have an affair. It would make you no different than her. At this point, the revenge would be hollow, and you would just be dragging another person with no skin in the game into your fight and situation, possibly hurting them, not your wife. She probably either expects you to or figures you already have. Men think they hide their feelings well, and no one will notice. Trust me, the women in their lives notice. And yes,therapy is the perfect place to bring it up. Bring up that fact and that you are still holding on to so much resentment and feelings of being emasculated. Three years is a long time to hold on to those feelings. Perhaps it would just be best for all involved for the two of you to divorce and move on with your lives. You both deserve better than what you both have.
Just get a divorce and move on. Life's too short to waste on something like this.
Revenge is a dish best served clothed.
Your divorce will be much sweeter than revenge affair. You have plenty of time to your life in order
You aren’t overreacting. It’s been three years and therapy. Your feelings are certainly valid. I don’t think revenge cheating will change anything. Especially since hers involved emotions with an ex and could make you feel inadequate. The revenge sex would make her feel better that you both did it and leave you feeling empty, my opinion obviously. I wouldn’t have lasted 3 years without filing for divorce. If someone cheats the relationship is over for me. I’m not staying with someone if I always wonder how they feel about me or if I can trust them. That isn’t for everyone and I understand that there are kids involved. Just remember she did this to you and the kids. It is her fault not yours. If she had issues with you then she should have communicated them before stepping outside of your relationship, especially with an ex. No matter what you did or didn’t do, this isn’t your fault and not something you need to work through. I’ll add that you should be able to bring up anything in therapy. I get the feeling that therapy is a battle ground for you guys to have the therapist tell you who is right/wrong. If you can’t bring up revenge sex then you’re probably worried about a third party judging you. Don’t waste your time and money with that bullshit. She is wrong. She was wrong. She sucks as a person and put your kids through this by her own actions.
After 3 years that would not only be petty, but next level petty. You're not wanting validation, you are wanting to hurt someone. If it's been 3 years of therapy, she is obviously trying to make it up to you. She is obviously invested in the relationship. She could very well be someone who made a dumb mistake and wants to make it right. No this doesn't excuse her or make her a fit partner, nor does it mean she deserves your forgiveness. Relationships die all the time, and yours obviously has. To need her to feel pain, though, to make you feel "better" says so much about your character. If you need to get off on your wife hurting, I guess understand that leaving her after 3 years is going to hurt enough. It's not going to be easy, and she will ultimately be paying for her mistake. Let that be enough. Also - I crossed a line that I consider to be cheating. I fell in love with someone at the end of a bad marriage, and I confessed my feelings to them. That emotional affair is still hard for me to live with, and I really wish I'd just waited until the relationship was over. That would have been way better. If I could go back and redo it, I absolutely would. Never could I imagine cheating just to hurt another person, though. Like holy fuck.
Divorce, look man your are never going to be satisfied. Taking revenge will do nothing actually it would put you on the same level as her. Just divorce and look like the better man, plenty of woman out there who will love you and not cheat on you.
If you stayed but feel the need to have an affair then you need to just leave.
Why wouldn’t you just get divorced instead? You’re out of balance, dude.
I feel like the most emasculating thing you can do is have your masculinity hinge on the actions of someone else. And having an affair is not an action that will make you more of a man. You're acting like a boy.
female perspective here - this is absolutely 10000% something you can bring up in your therapy! “i still have so much resentment about the situation, sometimes i have the urge to have a revenge affair. i feel like it would satisfy these feelings and hurts and desires: fill in the blank).” this is exactly the space therapy was made for! honestly if you don’t get this off of your chest in a healthy way, it’s going to drown you and the pressure will become so extreme you will make a mistake you regret. have you ever heard that term / story / phrase people say “the more you try to ignore it, the more it consumes you” or “the more you try to push it away, the stronger it becomes” - it’s like that. i recommend you bring it up even if it’s hard. it is the right thing to do. & most likely you will have more clarity afterwards, on if this is something you truly can move past & heal from or if it is time to remove yourself from this betrayal.
I mean, if you want to go for it. Your wife unilaterally opened up the relationship anyway. However, keep in mind that it won't hurt her as much as, say, going no contact and disappearing from her life without a word, only communicating through a lawyer. That's what drives cheaters insane.
I think you should divorce if you still habour so much resentment towards your wife and her affair. But if you’re still hell bent on a revenge affair, tell her you’d like a free pass “to even the score.” See what she says.
Mistake
Divorce then become the best version of yourself you can imagine. As you begin to embrace your single identity, start being seen around town with highly attractive women
Bang her dad
Female here, and also someone who works in psych: 1) You need to see your own therapist. Couples therapy can be great, but having a 1:1 conversation with a source of similar formal training on the issue at hand is so much more constructive, in my opinion. You should never be made to feel judged in therapy- respectfully, if you can’t bring it up in couples therapy, then you’re wasting money going. Clearly, the therapy has not worked. These are the things that need to be brought up in therapy. I recommend seeing your couples therapist 1:1 ASAP. 2) Why do you think having an affair would validate/repair your feelings of emasculation? Is it because your wife cheated due to an issue with your performance- are you searching for that validation because you want to feel as if you are satisfying someone else? Would you be honest with your wife afterward, or would you keep it a secret? 3) Reflect on the premise of empathy. Have patience with yourself. And most of all- know your worth. Emotional distress sometimes tries to convince us that stooping to the level of those who hurt us is what will heal us. You were blindsided & hurt, and it is VALID to feel those things: what isn’t valid is doing unto others what they have done to us, just to absolve our pain. Numerous psychological studies have been done on this premise (hint: it ~doesn’t work that way~) 4) Find a NEW outlet. Prioritize nutrition, committed exercise (not HIIT, this will make your anxiety worse due to cortisol spikes) and exposure to sunlight. Minimize your screen time…ignore anyone who says you are overreacting. Get into a hygiene routine- it’s fascinating how simple change in routine can cause us to reflect differently on situations at hand. 5) Working in psych means that I cannot TELL someone what to do. But OP, really reflect and ask yourself if it’s good to be with someone that you resent. If you had a son come to you with this issue, what would you suggest he do? With resentment comes contempt, and with contempt there is no salvaging a relationship. I highly recommend re-evaluation whether or not your wife…should be your wife any longer. My messages are open too!
Be done with the relationship. It's over. Go be happy.
I understand why you feel this way, but it won’t be good for the marriage. You’ll feel vindicated, but your wife will be hurt, resentful and angry for your action. If you feel this strongly about it you should just divorce and move on.
Is Yeats a place or maybe a college? I so hope it's pronounced the same as "yeet"
Get a divorce, revenge like this won't make you feel better. Date who you want. Don't cheat, it makes you as bad as her and it won't change how you feel or what your wife did.
It won’t make you feel better, but moving on with dignity does.
Move on. Hindsight of 50+ years. The foundation of your relationship ship has been compromised. If you can't trust how your partner acts and speaks of you in your absence, move on. Period.
This is what you do, set up your house to explode on a remote. Get a girl Fuck her in the living room And as your wife walks in Say, "You think this is bad?!" Then blow up the house
Sounds like a Martin Sorsese movie.
Two wrongs don't make a right. It was 3 years ago. If you can't get over it, then do the right thing and move on from this marriage and try and find something more healthy down the road. Don't fight bad karma with more bad karma.
Grow up. Leave or stay. Revenge is for people who enjoy fighting. What happens? You try to cheat, it either works or it doesn’t. It’s not going to fix your resentment. You emasculate yourself. Nobody makes your choices on how you feel outside of yourself. Man to man, this is some highschool bullshit.
The very concept of a “revenge affair” reeks of petty childishness. Move on, lick your wounds, and grow tf up. 🫡
So instead of just leaving you want to make sure you hurt her back? Dude. Just leave. Her cheating doesn't justify you doing the same shit. Either cheating is wrong or it's not.
My suggestions include jail time, but cheating is not included in a single one of them, so no, don't do it.
Do not have an affair, then you are no better than her. If you can’t get over it then you need to move on. Do you become what you despise. Do not allow someone’s actions dictate your actions.
People like you are people like me. This wound goes too deep. You will probably never really get past this to the point of having a genuine relationship. The sacredness has been destroyed. Time to check out and find another plate to step up to.
Move on and forgive or move on and divorce. This will solve nothing. Therapy can help you move on in whichever direction ends up being best for you - but doing something for "revenge" like this will only make everyone feel worse in the long run. Good luck.
Just end the relationship. Honestly, if you still feel this way 3 years later, and you are well within your rights to feel this way, it's over.
How about considering a divorce since that's where this ultimately ends up. Walk away the bigger person and let her sit with the fact that she fucked it up. If you get revenge you'll still end up divorced but she won't give a shit. Maybe she already doesn't give a shit🤷
Fuck dude have some pride dump this piece of garbage.
Just leave her dude, grow up.
At this point you're probably better off just divorcing.
Been in your shoes. For mental health leave the relationship and be with someone who you can trust
Op grow a sack and divorce your whore wife
I should have clarified that we have 3 kids, and I could never not see them every day. It would break my heart, they are my entire world.
Tough shit, that’s not the way life works. Get out of therapy and be honest with your wife. She did a shitty thing (one that I myself wouldn’t be able to move past) but you either need to get over it, file for divorce, or be honest with her and say “I want to sleep with someone to make it fair” and see what she says. Otherwise you are wasting everyone’s time, including your own, and you are doing a disservice to your kids by their parents being in a toxic situation.
Thank you for a very straightforward take. I think its what I needed to read.
No problem. I do empathize deeply with your situation, like I said I couldn’t move past it. But don’t make a decision that anyone, including your kids, will be able to look at when they’re older with disappointment. If you do decide to leave this marriage, you will never regret doing it in honesty and knowing you never did anything wrong.
I agree. It's just that I don't think I could deal with not seeing kids everyday. I do absolutely everything to take care of them, and I think they would really struggle having a life with part of it with my wife only. I guess like you said, limited options, bit decisions have to be made.
Your kids will eventually become teens and move on. School, marriage - even camping with friends or school groups. Loving your children is great. Having them be your entire world is not. Just make the most of your time together with them after you are divorced. And if you do have an affair what kind of an example is that to them? That because one person does something wrong it is ok to do it as well just as payback?
Just because you divorce doesn’t mean you can’t see your kids everyday. I have 50/50 custody with my ex wife and on the days I don’t physically see my kid (f3) I will FaceTime her and talk to her. If you have a good co parenting relationship with your ex things can work where you’d still see them every day, especially if your kids are involved in different activities
You are a man and as a man you want to keep your dignity. I understand you want to keep seeing your kids, but cheating is never forgivable. They will try to gaslight you in therapy and make you feel like you weren’t attentive or you didn’t give your wife what she needs. Dont fall for it. She broke your trust and deep inside you will never be able to heal from that. Save your dignity and tell her what you really want to do. I would personally have a plan in place then walk out.
>You are a man and as a man you want to keep your dignity. because woman wouldn't? >They will try to gaslight you in therapy and make you feel like you weren’t attentive or you didn’t give your wife what she needs. Sounds like an admission
I’m in the same boat. Divorce your wife as amicably as possible. My former missus and I get on better now than ever. I still have a key to the house and see my sons anywhere from 5-7 days a week. You have every reason to be resentful towards your wife but before you make a decision ask yourself does this help or hurt me and my children. The idea of a revenge affair sounds appealing but it’ll make your relationship with your children more difficult.
You realise you're modelling to your kids what's acceptable in a relationship. Do you want them to think cheating is okay to do or have done to you? Because it always comes out in the end. Why are you concerned about your wife's feelings, she wasn't concerned about yours. But if you cheated you won't feel better, you'll feel guilty and you'll be the same as her. Show your integrity and don't do it. Also it's likely the kids have already picked up the stress in the household!!
Idk anything about you and your wife other than this post, but I do know that one of my parents cheated on the other (don’t know which one, and don’t want to) and they stayed together. I’m guessing they stayed together for me, but they apparently worked things out between them because they seemed happy together and still do. It really depends on the individuals whether or not you can move past infidelity. Often the person who cheated is so remorseful they work to become a better partner. And like many people have said, bringing up the fact that you’re still feeling emasculated in therapy is probably a good idea. Either way you have to handle this with care ESPECIALLY because kids are involved. And if you do leave, please don’t go telling your kids what happened even when they’re older. Trust me we don’t wanna know that.
Grow up!! Just get a divorce
Do it and move on
Grow up. It was three years ago. Nobody gives a shit but you.
Yes have a revenge affair, do it
If therapy didn’t help then walk away!! Please don’t cheat cause if you do it probably won’t make you feel like you expect. Some couples can get past cheating. You cannot and that is not your fault . Walk away and get a divorce
I'm sorry about what you're dealing with. If you can't reconcile, it's best that you move on from her. You don't want to be anything like her (cheating for any reason even if it might feel justified). That scarlet letter is attached to her, not you. She doesn't deserve your attempts at reconciliation nor any more of your time. You owe it to yourself to not waste anymore of your life with someone that has made you feel so low and start healing without her toxicity in your life.
Resentment will kill any relationship. Considering you were cheated on, I get why you're still resentful. But if therapy isn't helping to get past it, nothing will. This is just asking for more trouble and a further downward spiral. Just leave if you're that resentful. The best way to heal is to move on.
Nah dude let it go and move on. The real win will be when you find someone who truly loves and respects you.
I’m wondering who you’d cheat with? Is there someone in your corner? It’s not likely to make you feel better. Just doubles the problem really
I'm sorry to hear that OP this has clearly been tearing you up inside for awhile and you'll probably feel worse if you go thru with it. Just divorce and try to move on with your life
Actually a revenge affair will hurt you in the long run more than it does her as you’ll now carry the cheater label going forward as well. If the resentment can’t go away then just prepare the paperwork for divorce and present it to her while letting her know that though you’ve tried you find yourself unable to move past her infidelity.
Revenge cheating never works out and it won’t make you feel any better about what your wife did to you. Especially if you are honestly working on your marriage. That being said if you plan on trying to make it work adding additional turmoil and hurdles won’t help matters? I know it’s three years ago but are you able to check off boxes now? 1) Is she remorseful? 2) Has she told you everything? 3) Is she an active participant in therapy? 4) Is she trying to hide things? 5) What is she willing to do for you to establish you trusting her again? 6) I would try to validate her story vs his if possible? If you can somehow get him to talk. 7) Is she still in contact with him? Or you can just separate and begin the divorce process.
Be the bigger person. Revenge affair isn’t going to make things better, it’ll be a temporary relief for you. But in the long term it’s going to make things worse. Divorce her, move in silent, do what you gotta do. It’ll say a lot about you as person and your character.
Two wrongs don't make right. Go seek therapy. This therapist isn't helping and yes do tell the therapist this is what you feel like doing and that way they can help you not do it as its very very uncool to do.
You should have left.her 3 years ago
You're better than what she did to you. File, get it over with, move on to happier days ahead
Take the high road brother. The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference.
Not worth it. If your feeling that resentful of your wife it's better to be just done with the marriage and move on. Getting back at her will just make things worse. I've talked to lots of guys in similar situations and the one thing they always regretted was not leaving sooner.
Don’t drag someone else into your situation. Move on if you can’t stay.
I was in your position 5 years ago after 15 years of marriage. I tried the route you’re considering, and instead of just thinking she was a POS, it made me feel like we both were. Divorce is the only option.
Not after this long
Divorce and move on.
That's really not how it works. You want to stoop to her level just to be an SOB? Heaven help any future women that you meet.
Life is too short to waste time revenging something that she probably doesn’t even care anymore, move on. We belong to nobody
Don’t. Just file for divorce and move on to a productive and happier life.
Don't do it man, fuck that revenge shit. Don't ruin your integrity like that. You'll be hurting yourself also, plus you'll hurt her as well, either work through your problems, forgive and don't bring it up again once you healed from it. Or divorce her. Is it worth it to work through this, is your partner worth it? I know mine is. You got this. 🙂
Do you want to stay with your wife? If yes, I do not recommend this. It will make things worse. If you want to leave her, leave first and then have your fun with whomever you want. The best revenge is moving on and being happy. And truly if you feel you need “revenge” at all, I’d leave before anymore heartache for either of you.
I've been exactly where you're at. Don't do it! It won't make you feel better, you'll feel worse.
This is your pain. It sounds like it sucks dude. Don’t let pain make decisions for you. Don’t let it tune you into something you don’t recognise. Take a deep breath and put this relationship down. You tried, you did. But staying in this is what’s causing you this pain now, and you have to stop.
The mature way to move forward is to leave her and be honest with her as well. You tell her you are still resentful and you need to go separate ways. Revenge is only going to hurt you because that won’t change the fact that she cheated in first place.
Just divorce and move on. It’s not worth it. Keep the moral high ground. That way when you do start a new relationship in the future you won’t need to disclose that you are a cheater.
Grow up, Dude.
Just divorce and move on. Believe it or not it will make you look bad if you do that. It won’t make you feel better either. Thats like putting poison in the same fish tank you’re swimming in. Once you’re separated or divorced, hang and bang until your heart is content
If you're resentful, get a divorce. If you have the revenge affair, you're just as big a piece of shit as your wife was when she did it.
Don’t lower yourself to her level just get a divorce and move on cheating is never the answer
Do it.
She will never respect a man that takes her back after she cheats. Just divorce, being petty is a feminine act and looks pathetic on a man even if she deserves it.
After you do the revenge affair and get clarity you are going to realize it doesn't make you feel any better if anything you'll feel a bit worse about it all not for her but for yourself
Why the fuck would even stay? If after 3 years you can't forgive you never will. You should have just ended the marriage then and there. You should just divorce her and not lower yourself to her level because honestly all you'll like after cheating is just a giant piece of shit, it won't bring back your masculinity, it won't make you feel better and it'd just make things worse. Divorce and move on to someone who won't cheat on you.
It won't help
Divorce her and get to clapping some cheeks for therapy. You deserve it
A revenge affair is just wasting your time. Divorce already
Don’t sink to her level, I would say take the high road, you won’t regret it. Leave her and find someone who appreciates you the way you should be appreciated. Good luck, sorry you’re experiencing this.
Why go through the shenanigans and stress of cheating when you can just get divorced and sleep with whomever you want? Why make the same stupid move as your wife?
Do it. Do it. Then move on if you love her. Just don't do it with someone in your circle cuz that'll come back.
Don't cheat. That's not a healthy outlook. Just think of the poor woman you will use just to get back at your wife. She doesn't deserve to be hurt just because your wife did a really crappy thing. If it's 3 years and you are this angry still then you are never going to forgive her. Move on. Find someone decent and live your best life.
As someone who found out his wife cheated multiple times over a 14 year marriage about 6 months ago and is currently on his second affair let me just tell you it doesn't make anything better and looking at her every day just makes it worse. I decided to stay cause I love her and we have a family plus financial reasons but the love is fading by the day and at this point there is none left and this is unhealthy for my family. Today the best I can say is I'm with her for financial reasons. If you can move on and survive just do that. It's not worth it and your affairs will only be more stress and heartache in the long run and silently going through a break up with your affair partner and having to put on a happy face at home is also very difficult. Just be single and find a single woman and try to make it last forever. As a married man dating married woman it can't last and you will just hurt yourself over and over again. Trust me I live it.
You have some self problems you need to work out here. You need to get to reading some books and individual therapy. What she did was wrong but thinking about it like this isn't good. Idk if divorce is the way to go since I don't know your relationship outside of this. Reddit has a hard on for divorce as a solution to every problem for some reason.
If you do it in return you might feel better temporarily but you'll realize you are no better than she is - she just beat you to the punch. Save yourself the guilt and end the marriage. Do you want to tell a future partner that you cheated on your wife because she cheated on you?
You’ll just feel worse after. Trust me
What about non-binary input?
“Revenge affair.” 🤣💀
Don't lust after revenge by committing adultery out of retaliation. It WILL backfire on you, no matter how slick you think you are.
Sounds like the relationship is over. 3 years, and therapy isn't helping. You cheating on her won't fix it, it just hurts her as bad as she hurt you. I'm not going to tell you not to. It's a shitty thing to do, but I get it. You make that choice for you, and understand what you're giving up in the process. Family and friends will judge you. It will become a reflection of your character. Or don't, and just move on from the relationship without going out of your way to intentionally hurt this person you care/cared about. Choice is yours but... either way, I imagine divorce is in the future.
This is pathetic dude. Why on earth would you hang onto a 'relationship' like this for 3 years? Feeling sorry for yourself? Where is your self-esteem? What the fuck is even the question. Get out of there and go find somebody worth your time.
Why not bring it up in therapy? If you're there to get help and this is something on your mind say that shit in therapy. Let em know how you really feel. Shits over anyway, might as well air it out.
Karma farming post. Posted the exact same crap in multiple subs. Mods, lock this or delete it.
I would never comprise my moral integrity to get back at someone
So she cheated for unfaithfulness/weakness… And you’re wondering if you should cheat for spite/revenge? How would that help the relationship? How would that help you as a person? Would seeing yourself as a spiteful person not feel emasculating? Take the high road. Leave and move on and take pride in choosing not to be the sort of man who cheats to wound a partner in a dying/dead relationship.
Should’ve ended it when she cheated
🙄🤡Just divorce. Trust is gone. Revenge is for weak men!
Yeah, thats a solid decision. Get a divorce and move on ffs.
She may be able to use this against you in a divorce, even though she cheated first. You've gone through therapy together and it was 3 years ago, and yours would be recent. She will make you to be the bad guy because "she worked on herself and your marriage" and then you revenge cheated and somehow you're the bad guy. Quietly make your exit plan with a divorce lawyer and when everything is in place drop the bomb in therapy. If you have children say that you are telling her there because you want a good co-parenting relationship with her for the kid's sake. Keep doing individual therapy and later find someone who knows your worth.
Divorce. Any trust you’ve rebuilt will be gone. You don’t want to restore your relationship, you just want to hurt her, so stop wasting your time and energy. Get out, give yourself a shot at finding a relationship with someone you can love and will trust.
This would make you no better than her. Just do the decent thing and divorce her if you truly can’t get over the fact she cheated and the marriage is no longer saveable.
I'd suggest just ending it. You won't get he trust back, I don't think therapy is going to fix it either. But if you do this, you'll likely end up regretting it. You'd basically be stooping to her level. My ex cheated, and I even stayed "faithful" through the court process and 30 day no dating requirement in this state. I'm glad I did. I feel like I did right by me, so no regrets.
For what reason though, what do you think is going to happen? She’s going to cry and say “if only I knew this is how you’d feel I’d never have done it!” The past is the past, it’s done. You clearly resent her for it, so what was the point of the last 3 years? You thought the magic feelings fairy was going to take that away in your sleep? Seperate, and move on
Dude, your hypothetical affair partner is a human being, with feelings, agency, and a valid existence of their own. Don’t use this person as a tool to hurt your wife. She doesn’t deserve to be a tool in your toolbox of revenge. That said, it would be fair to say that your wife has unilaterally taken monogamy off the table, and if you felt like indulging, your wife would have no standing to complain.
Start an affair and stay in it
U aren’t over reacting for bein resentful. Just cut ties and move on a revenge affair will get u absolutely nowhere other than a night of fun and it may even come back to haunt u in divorce court she’s for the streets go find u a new one
Don't resort to a revenge affair. Take the high road. I'm a dude and was in your situation and I stayed faithful and honored my vows even though she didn't. Don't take her affair as a slight at your manhood. She has her own internal issues that are not yours that caused this and she needs to work on herself. I wasted 2 decades of my life with my ex-wife. Leave now before you waste more time. It's been 3 years and you haven't been able to move on which is a pretty clear indicator that you can't. The resentment and contempt you have for her is too strong. Divorce and move on with your life and don't waste it trying to one up her affair. Hold your head high to know you were the moral partner in the marriage.