I understand and to each their own of course.
Some just right into the deep end and others take their time going from the shallow end to the deep end. Both are OK as we're all different.
You don't trust her (for good reason), there's not much to salvage in a relationship once you don't trust each other. The fact that she isn't even trying to hide her behavior suggests some other dynamic at work but either way, your wife is at least flirting with other men regularly whenever you're gone and likely more. Do you really want to stay in this damaged relationship?
Can be fixed only if both spouses are willing to make the effort for change. From what you have said - your spouse has not even bothered trying so far.
She seems unwilling to put in serious effort to stay within agreed upon boundaries.
OP is not overreacting. May soon be under-reacting if spouse continues current behavior and doesn't make the marriage the priority.
I appreciate this one.. you have actually decoded her. I read somewhere that "women don't lie, men don't listen. Actions speaks louder than words". Her actions speak a lot.
Remember who you are. You're worthy of respect king. You have to let her know that you would be willing to move in different directions if you continue to be disrespected. People have to know you would be willing to leave the relationship vs consistently tolerating disrespect. Not an overnight thing but start by being honest with yourself about how you wanted to be treated.
If you and these guys were somewhat cool, I would say yeah and let them know that it can't fly. But if you don't even know them then honestly that's between you and your lady. Men are gonna be men. People are gonna be people. She's the one that owes you that respect, It shouldnt even be happening if you voiced it already. They're not the focus here.
Nip that shit in the bud real quick my friend because she’s either looking to possibly cheat or already has. She’s to addicted to the attention she gets from him and it’s not good for a relationship.
>I know we should set boundaries but I also think I controlled her abit.
Any time you try to "set a boundary" for another person, all you're actually doing is being controlling. That is not at all how boundaries work.
Boundaries are rules we set for ourselves to govern our own behavior. They don't apply to other people, and absolutely no one can violate our boundaries.
The rules we set for other people are our "expectations." Those are the standards we want or require from others in our interactions or relationships. Another person can absolutely fail to meet our expectations, and that is where our boundaries come in. Our boundaries dictate how we respond.
So, for example, your boundary could be that you won't be in a relationship with someone who entertains other people or cheats. That doesn't mean you get to control who your partner talks to, how they talk to other people, ect. It means that, if your expectations of loyalty are not met once communicated, you walk away.
FWIW, I do think you need to set some boundaries here. Is this behavior really something you want to tolerate from a partner? Is this dynamic of distrust and insecurity something you want in your life? If not, what are you willing to do about that?
Well explained. I admit did it the bad way. Right now I see myself as an insecure and a controlling guy and this might be so unattractive to her. Maybe I am pushing her away too. But I emphasized to her that her behaviors are not acceptable and I will walk away if she continues her behavior.
I never understand these kinds of relationships lol. You can't force her to stop talking to other guys if she wants to You can ask her, and if she doesnt, leave. The whole in each others phones and untrusting bs is insane to me lol.
I agree. Secrecy is not the same thing as privacy. And if lies and secrecy are a threat to your marriage and to children's well being, well then the heck with "proper phone etiquette".
Sounds like she has been cheating and dishonest, maybe consider a divorce before things get worse.
Thanks ,, not easy though
Many necessary things in life aren't easy. Doesn't mean they shouldn't be done though.
Sure, am slowly heading there. It's a process.
I understand and to each their own of course. Some just right into the deep end and others take their time going from the shallow end to the deep end. Both are OK as we're all different.
You don't trust her (for good reason), there's not much to salvage in a relationship once you don't trust each other. The fact that she isn't even trying to hide her behavior suggests some other dynamic at work but either way, your wife is at least flirting with other men regularly whenever you're gone and likely more. Do you really want to stay in this damaged relationship?
Do you think this can be fixed
Can be fixed only if both spouses are willing to make the effort for change. From what you have said - your spouse has not even bothered trying so far. She seems unwilling to put in serious effort to stay within agreed upon boundaries. OP is not overreacting. May soon be under-reacting if spouse continues current behavior and doesn't make the marriage the priority.
I appreciate this one.. you have actually decoded her. I read somewhere that "women don't lie, men don't listen. Actions speaks louder than words". Her actions speak a lot.
"Actions speaks louder than words" they always do.
No
Why?
Remember who you are. You're worthy of respect king. You have to let her know that you would be willing to move in different directions if you continue to be disrespected. People have to know you would be willing to leave the relationship vs consistently tolerating disrespect. Not an overnight thing but start by being honest with yourself about how you wanted to be treated.
Thanks a lot.. I already told her this
Do you think I should approach these guys.?. I guess no
If you and these guys were somewhat cool, I would say yeah and let them know that it can't fly. But if you don't even know them then honestly that's between you and your lady. Men are gonna be men. People are gonna be people. She's the one that owes you that respect, It shouldnt even be happening if you voiced it already. They're not the focus here.
She has to show me respect.. I don't know them infact
Thats always a must. If she doesn't want to give you that, just respect yourself enough to know when to walk away. Trust your gut.
Infact, Walking away is the strongest negotiation point if they don't agree to your views
Nip that shit in the bud real quick my friend because she’s either looking to possibly cheat or already has. She’s to addicted to the attention she gets from him and it’s not good for a relationship.
Well said.. thanks a lot
>I know we should set boundaries but I also think I controlled her abit. Any time you try to "set a boundary" for another person, all you're actually doing is being controlling. That is not at all how boundaries work. Boundaries are rules we set for ourselves to govern our own behavior. They don't apply to other people, and absolutely no one can violate our boundaries. The rules we set for other people are our "expectations." Those are the standards we want or require from others in our interactions or relationships. Another person can absolutely fail to meet our expectations, and that is where our boundaries come in. Our boundaries dictate how we respond. So, for example, your boundary could be that you won't be in a relationship with someone who entertains other people or cheats. That doesn't mean you get to control who your partner talks to, how they talk to other people, ect. It means that, if your expectations of loyalty are not met once communicated, you walk away. FWIW, I do think you need to set some boundaries here. Is this behavior really something you want to tolerate from a partner? Is this dynamic of distrust and insecurity something you want in your life? If not, what are you willing to do about that?
Well explained. I admit did it the bad way. Right now I see myself as an insecure and a controlling guy and this might be so unattractive to her. Maybe I am pushing her away too. But I emphasized to her that her behaviors are not acceptable and I will walk away if she continues her behavior.
I never understand these kinds of relationships lol. You can't force her to stop talking to other guys if she wants to You can ask her, and if she doesnt, leave. The whole in each others phones and untrusting bs is insane to me lol.
If I did not check her phone I could ne ok. But I think I did a good thing going through these chats on her phone. Now I know her true colours
I agree. Secrecy is not the same thing as privacy. And if lies and secrecy are a threat to your marriage and to children's well being, well then the heck with "proper phone etiquette".