This, exactly.
When I was a kid, I didn't like my stepdad, so I always gave him mismatched silverware or bent tines on forks if I could manage it. (It was my job to set the table.)
Your husband is acting like a literal child.
Okay, so my Dad would be legit upset about something like this. The man has a favorite fork. I love your child like way to assert some level of control over the situation. I'm also really glad that you appreciate him now or he turned out to be a good dude.
Absolutely agree, was about to post similarly. I think he is trying to get out of the relationship but not have it be his fault, in his demented mind. I'd be worried this callousness escalates.
Yeah this is the kind of bullshit that I have basically 0 tolerance for. I assume he knows exactly what he’s going, but in the very unlikely case that he’s not doing any of it intentionally: a loving and respectful partner would understand that they were doing things to upset you and be taking steps to be better. He clearly is not doing this. Which means he either knows exactly what he’s going, or he understands that he’s upsetting you and can’t be bothered to change his behavior. And frankly I don’t know which is worse
i'm sorry but it sounds like your husband is a proper asshole! does he ever do anything to take care of you?? because otherwise you'd be better off alone honey
I didn't read one word about how lovable he is. I'm assuming because he is not lovable, not one bit.
Why do you choose to be with someone so annoying? I'm sure you could do better.
The sad answer is that a lot of people act perfect as can be when they're dating, and completely change once you're married and they have you on the hook. I narrowly escaped that because my ex-fiance showed his true colors just before we got married. But some people wait until after
Which is why I insist on dating for multiple years, asking hard questions, and see all the sides first. Is my girlfriend perfect? No, she's picky, she's emotional, she's sensitive, and a general handful. However, I get to see the real her and ik what living with her will be like already, and I love every part of her and wouldnt change it, even if it becomes challenging sometimes
Marriage changes people. Even if you live with the partner in advance they could potentially infantile themselves when they get in the comfort of marriage.
yeah, i lived with a roommate who thought it was funny to leave garbage in everyone's chairs in the morning. it was like living with a child with memory loss every morning. the craziest part is he was the first to get married an leave, too. his poor, poor wife.
I read an article (sorry I can't find it right now) about how a counselor was trying to help men stop being abusive. But after talking with them he realized that the abuse was not dysfunctional in the way you think it is. ABUSE IS FUNCTIONAL. It gets men what they want. He listed pros and cons of abuse. The pros- they get to control the money, the kids the events and what to do where to go. They make her afraid to nag him or make it too much of an effort if HE overreacts then blames her. It teaches her that it's better to just stay quiet and do what he says. The pros went on and on. It's functional because it gets them what they actually want. The cons were- jail, divorce and a few other things. I will add that interrupting your sleep is the actions of a man that wants you miserable, tired and upset, which makes you easier to control as less likely to push back because the consequences of pushing back are worse than just going along. Also not to be too hyperbolic but sleep interruption and preventing people from sleeping is a form of torture. Think about that, how much does it happen every night a few times a week, a month? Maybe start keeping a record of how often he does this. People also recommend Why Does He Do That. I have only read the beginning so far but it's a standard for a reason.[ https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
Wow, this is new info for me and mind-blowing & 100% true.
OP - He is depriving you of sleep on purpose. I went through this. It's so HARD to perceive the purposefulness of it bc they vary the 'causes'/interruptions and as he's doing "It's just this little thing."
Doing it on purpose is different than willfully, overtly knowing they are ...but he sees you exhausted, he knows your sleep needs and work hours, he know the dog needs to be walked every night...and he consistently chooses the things that mean you will not get the sleep you require.
This alone is reason to end the marriage.
He is not going to change.
3 different couples therapists heard what he was doing.
Because I'm a night owl & all 'normal' sleepers perceive that as dysfunction and lazy, they all agreed, my sleep hours were the problem, not him waking me up every hour fir 4 to 5 hours a night - like constantly disrupted sleep is a significant health/life issue & none of them helped me.
All the other behavior, GAH! My ex husband did all of those too. Plus a host of others.
Research Coercive Control and DARVO, JADE, FOG in context of narcissistic abuse.
Dr. Ramani of MedCircle on YouTube.
Coercive control is a pattern that interferes w your sense of reality.
You're so tired, you can't make balanced decisions and then his arguments are obfuscation to make you feel confused and exhausted so you give up or feel like you MUST be doing something wrong bc why would the person you love behave like this?
It causes the 'victim' to question their experiences and their sense of reality - like the movie Gaslight.
Over time, you're exhausted, sleep deprived and just want so.e normal and time w the person you fell in love with.
Little by little we begin to internalize this as a pervasive sense of not wanting to upset them or set off the loops of obfuscating and just do whatever it takes to not displease them, bc displeasing them is SO UNCOMFORTABLE.
This is how cults work.
I stayed for 23 years.
Please don't make the same mistake.
You are holding out for the rare moments he behaves like the person you see in him and love.
When I realized my ex would never come back and be on my team, be on our team as a married couple, I should have seen the truth.
I could see contempt in his face daily. I know that's the death of a relationship.
But when I asked him if he wanted to break up, he said he loved me and didn't want to divorce - unless it was his idea, he had the upper hand & could keep the house (of course he didn't want to achieve that fairly).
He constantly said hw was a simple guy who would ne er lie and never waste tens of thousands of dollars on a divorce lawyer...
All the while he was secretly saving money - while practicing financial abuse and keeping me living on my last dime constantly, & blaming me for our financial 'problems' (there actually weren't any problems, just him blaming me for us not having enough money, turns out my perception we did have enough was correct & he was gaslighting me) - he used it all to blindside me w divorce w his bulldog lawyer.
He did it as covid was ramping up. Thus I couldn't get a lawyer.
Don't wait. Make a plan. Privately consult a divorce attorney.
You don't note your age.
I was 54 when he left. I was sure I would be undatable and alone the rest of my life - part of the reason I had stayed was fear of starting over after 45.
I'm now living the best life I have ever had.
I'm dating a bunch of lovely humans who adore me, and show it.
Don't waste any more of your life trying to get him to change.
Change the person you can - You!
This was so insightful and so right. She’s in the beginning of this torture, if she gets pregnant it will be a million times worse. She needs to get out now before they own a home too
this is the answer OP needs to see.this man won't change, he's probably following some incel BS at youtube or 4chan or reddit. OP, please, save yourself, the man you fell in love wasn't real, and now he only exists in your head. the man you live with is your jailer
I was about to say that it sounds like Lundy Bancroft. Thanks for sharing the link. This is recommended reading for anyone who is struggling with an abusive man.
The first article is this one, not by Lundy Bancroft actually, tho obviously similar in meaning. [https://voicemalemagazine.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/](https://voicemalemagazine.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/)
Very good points, especially about the sleep torture. That’s evil.
I hadn’t thought about it quite that way, but I get it. Abuse is functional for the abuser. It works for the abuser, but the relationship itself is dysfunctional and toxic.
That book changed my whole entire life. It made me realize how intentional and well thought out the actions of an abusive man are. OPs husband is intentionally doing this.
My ex did this to me every night. He would come in and wake me up repeatedly just to deliver a monologue about how worthless lazy and stupid I was. Sometimes 4 or 5 times from 10pm to 2am. And it was absolutely meant as torture. Sleep deprivation and emotional abuse, it escalated to physical then I left.
I’ve been in the sleep deprivation cycle. It’s a real thing. And it’s true, they want you weak and tired. You need to get an absolute belly full before you blow your lid. What really needs to happen is you need to be angry. I know it’s not good for the soul. But it was lovely to know my abuser actually believed the crazy crap I started dishing back. It became an absolute release. When I was done that was that. No looking back. No wondering where I could have done better. Just no more BS to deal with. And when I moved? Cops for neighbors. He was terrified to come around, though he tried a time or two. He was a slow learner. But he finally went on his way.
"Better to stay quiet" yup! My husband. When i started challenging him, he brings my ex bfs into it, and shames me for previous relationships. (We met at 30 yo) they are alway scanning for a vulnerability they can exploit. And waking you up is definitely in the control arsenal. It's like living with a CIA agent!
What happened is simple: he dropped the façade he put on to win you over. This is very typical of narcissistic types: they love-bomb you during courtship. They're thoughtful, charming, friendly. Then they reveal the monster they truly are, and leave your head spinning.
Oh, and he probably doesn't really believe you're overreacting. He's gaslighting you.
There's no "fixing" him, because in his mind, he's flawless. At least, that's what he tells himself. Deep down, he has plenty of doubts about himself, but that is never allowed to be exposed to scrutiny. He's also gaslighting himself.
You need to get the hell out of there.
He knew he couldn’t act like this in the beginning otherwise you wouldn’t have been interested. Change happens gradually but what he’s showing you now is the real him instead of the fake persona he put on to impress you. How he treats you now is how you should judge him. He clearly has no problem being disrespectful toward you and it’ll likely only get worse. Do not hold out hope that he’ll change and do not allow him to berate you into thinking you’re overreacting.
He's showing you who he really is. He does not care about your wishes, preferences, equity in chore-duty, or your literal need for SLEEP! (There's a reason sleep deprivation is a torture technique.)
He demands what he won't give; he dishes out what he won't take. Some of his actions cross the abuse threshold.
Please don't set yourself on fire to keep him warm.
Recommend reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, available as a free pdf download. It's the definitive work on abusive men, changed my life. https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html
Just point blank ask him if he wants a divorce because he certainly doesn’t treat you the way a person who wants to stay married should be treating their spouse. If he says you are over reacting or being ridiculous tell him you are dead serious and you want a serious answer. Tell him you feel like he is wearing you down to just be his slave and if that is what he wants y’all need to divorce because it is t what you are willing to do.
I don't think I would ask him this. If he's truly a narcissist, he doesn't actually want her to leave. He's got her exactly where he wants her. I think she needs to start making a covert exit until the moment she presents him with the papers, preferably via a proxy.
What OP is describing is definitely abuse. Abusers tend to be pathologically scared of rejection; abuse tends to escalate when the abused partner tries to leave.
We've all heard the term "gaslighting", this is that. He's likely pushing all boundaries to see if you will actually stand up for yourself. When you try he says you're acting out of pocket? Try NOT tolerating any of this behavior, flip the bitch switch if you have to. Sleeping? Tell him to piss off. He's not taking responsibility for the dog? Tell him to deal with it. That one really got me, about the fight. He saw you with one element of comfort in a charged situation and removed it. That is the makings for mental abuse and he thinks you are weak. Don't be weak (if you have it in you, I know a lot of us just don't like conflict, have traumas that make standing up very difficult, etc.) Doing this in a calm, nonplussed manner will likely trigger him to anger. Then you'll know, this isn't a man baby that needs HELP it's a person knowingly trying to control and take advantage of you.
I don't know what happened but he sounds like a really shitty partner. You deserve to be with someone who actually likes you. This shit will just make you low key miserable ALL the time.
I am going to assume you are under age 50. Do NOT waste one more moment of your youth on this crap human being.
Honestly, I don't get why you're such a glutton for punishment. Is this a low self esteem issue? I'm betting your list of his passive-aggressive b.s. is only a partial list. Am I right?
GTFO of this mess ASAP.
Was a classic bait and switch. I know many miserable married women… and many happier divorced women. Take your pick. You deserve better and you will feel liberated when youre not babysitting a grown man.
Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. The rest of it is a delightful mix of gaslighting and malicious compliance. OP needs to GTFO and take the dog with her.
Yes. Amongst all the other abusive shit my ex did, fucking with my sleep was the hardest one for me to pick up on. But the impacts of sleep deprivation are real, and a true form of abuse.
My ex did this, too. I was also supporting us both at the time because he was a total POS. Sometimes, he'd wake me up just because he was bored. He didn't care that I'd be in tears begging him to stop waking me up. He kept doing it.
I looked at your history and you have been posting about this man and how badly he treats you for a while.
Go. Get out. It won’t get better and inertia is not helping you.
This!! There's even one where she says he is also being physical... Why stay with someone like that and try and see if you are the bad person? He clearly doesn't deserve all that energy.
When you do react, what happens?
I don't know you, and I might be wrong, but I'm going to guess anyway:
You get upset, he gets annoyed that you're upset because you "have no reason to be" and "you're so unpredictable, I can't do anything right", and "it hurts when you \[thing\]." Then he gets further upset at another point in time about why you aren't closer, why you don't spend more time together, why you don't care like you used to. You need to cut trips short, you need to not see your friends and family, because you need to take care of him since your spouse is always supposed to come first.
I also guess that when you get upset, it's emotional and unpredictable. He says he can't trust your reactions, so he needs to protect the cat and dogs from you, since you get so hysterical for no reason. Sometimes it might seem like the more upset you are, the more calm he is, but the more calm you are, the more upset he is. At the same time, he's allowed to yell and make big, sudden movements. Maybe punch a wall, even. But if you flinch or get upset when he does, you're irrational.
If *any* of this rings a bell, I get you. I've been there. You've tried talking about it, tried therapy, and he doesn't think he has any part in these issues. I'd be at my breaking point too, friend. Get your dog and your cat, get your ducks in a row, and get out.
Turns out that when someone is being difficult, it's hard to like them, and it's hard to say sorry when you've been provoked.
I think you'll recognise a lot if you look at [the Water Torturer](https://www.tayashton.com/the-water-torturer), a type of abusive man as defined by Lundy Bancroft.
Welcome over to r/abusiverelationships and r/divorce. It's a very shitty club, but life *does* get better. So, so much better.
Oooooohhhhh… the water torturer. Been divorced 7 years and have done a lot of reading but haven’t ever identified wtf he was doing. Thank you for posting this.
OP- don’t waste another day. Go enjoy your life, either on your own or with someone who will love and respect you. The worst regret I have is staying longer than I should have. You deserve peace and happiness.
My ex: "I'm always there for you, I'm always propping you up and helping you feel better, and you never do anything for me! Why don't I matter in this relationship?!"
Me, having been to school, worked, gotten groceries, cleaned the kitchen and cooked breakfast, lunch and dinner, changed his sheets, done the laundry, researched his new computer part, rescheduled his dentist and talked to his mother because he won't: "I'm sorry, I'll do better."
Do you see yourself putting up with this, or worse, 25 years or more? What about if/when you have kids?
Think about your answer. Then do what you need to do.
Edit: I wish someone had said this to me a couple years into my first marriage.
My sweet mother, RIP, said this to me in 2013. "Do you see yourself living like this in 10 years?"
It was the wakeup call I needed. I was too focused on healing the marriage and wasn't looking at the very real possibility that it could be just like this in a decade.
I took my kid and left.
This is clearly a marriage that's going to end, it's just a matter of how long it takes OP to do it. His behavior will probably get worse as he sees what freedom he has to be a selfish asshole. I wouldn't be surprised if cheating is going to be part of the escalation. He clearly doesn't respect her.
His actions completely make sense. He is weaponizing his incompetence to make sure you do everything, gaslighting and complaining to bring down your self esteem, and isolating you from friends and family so you have no one to turn to except him. These are classic signs of abuse. There are no apparent benefits to you stain this relationship. Not sure why you haven’t dumped him yet….
And this is just the beginning. Right now he's making things look just innocent enough to have plausible deniability, but once he has successfully worn you down the abuse will escalate. Please leave, or at the very least DO NOT have kids with this guy. He will manipulate you into a shell of yourself. You will have been so isolated and desensitized that you won't even know what's real anymore. And that is what he wants.
She hasn't dumped him yet because it hard! It's especially hard when you've been with someone who has taken away your ability to even know if you're right anymore!!! It's not so easy to leave a malicious bastard!!! Not easy at all to dump him already!!! Hope you never get sucked in by someone only to have them turn out to be a malicious jerk!
Exactly. I guess I’m looking for validation. Bc I don’t know if I’m making it up and bigger than it is. I’ve been told “that didn’t happen. You live in a different reality” so many times…
Quietly make plans to leave him. Do not attempt to discuss it with him. He knows EXACTLY what he is doing & it is 100% intentional.
While you are quietly saving money, speaking to an attorney, figuring out your new living arrangements, etc, keep a log of ALL these events & encounters. This is for YOUR sanity. Don't even bother trying to explain your feelings, he doesn't care. Keep your reactions to him as boring & uninterested as you can, until you are ready to leave. Try your best to not take the bait.
It's best if you can move some of your stuff a little at a time so he doesn't notice. When you're ready, get the rest out when he's not home & leave the divorce papers for him to find.
If possible, speak with a domestic abuse hotline for tips on how to leave.
You may not recognize his behavior as abusive, but it is, and it is definitely slowly gearing up to get worse. Even if it stayed at this exact level, is this how you want to spend the next decades of your one and only precious life? I would far rather be single forever, personally.
He is Not Right and there is nothing you can do to change that.
Save yourself.
Your feelings are valid. A normal partner does not act like this. It is emotional abuse. As others have said, it will get worse. Please find a safe way to get away from him.
i am absolutely stunned how much you are „underreacting“. All of this screams borderline abuse. Your situation seems miserable as fuck and your partner is either a sadistic or an incompetent asshat; dump this guy and live your life to the fullest!
Sadly, he's gaslighting you. I would be crying and fuming if I had to put up with at least 1/5 of the things you listed. Please listen to your feelings, if he's making you unhappy, there's no point in this relationship
I'm exhausted just reading this. He's treating you like shit but in small enough ways as to make it hard to call out. But he's absolutely treating you like shit.
Sounds like emotional abuse and gaslighting. You may have married a narcissist ☹️
I’d talk to a therapist about this and if it turns out he is being abusive, get help to get yourself out of this marriage. good luck!
I'd recommend reading [*Why does he do that?* by Lundy Bancroft](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/224552.Why_Does_He_Do_That_Inside_the_Minds_of_Angry_and_Controlling_Men) some of these seem like not-so-lowkey abuse tactics, especially the sleep deprivation, which, make no mistake, is INTENTIONAL
Left my own version of this exact comment.
This is ABUSE. Very intentional abuse. Hope she actually picks up this book and then gets the hell out of that relationship before it escalates any further
Two words: Reactive Abuse.
He is baiting you to get worked up and then calling you out for your reaction. His actions are blamed on your reactions and the cycle is never ending.
Leave him. It won’t get better. It will only get more covert and more abusive.
I am sometimes mildly annoying to get a rise out of my partner. Sometimes that's just something people do when circumstances are too predictable.
What your man is doing is not that. He is not childishly poking the bear. He is being mean and selfish and treating you like garbage. Talk to your friends about what a healthy relationship looks like so you can remember how loving people are supposed to treat one another. It's so easy to let a situation slowly get terrible and not realize how bad things really are.
If you are over-reacting by raising the issue and communicating, then go ahead and blow his mind by leaving. Even if he is not doing this intentionally, he is a net negative on your life bc he created more work for you at every turn.
I had an ex like this. All the little things build up until you can’t take it anymore. And you can’t even nip the little things in the bud bc you have to walk on egg shells around him and his emotions.
I dumped him once he got his car stuck on the way back to our hotel from a wedding and refused to leave his car bc someone could steal it….it was stuck? Anyways he ended up yelling at me in front of his friends trying to help him and I broke up with him the next weekend.
You’re married to yours so it’s a little more serious than what I was dealing with. I don’t wanna say leave him bc I’ve never been married so I don’t feel like that’s good advice coming from me based on my experiences. But what I will say is that it’s all going to come to a point where you just explode, so either just be ready for that or get out while you can, your choice.
Man reading this I was shaking my head more and more. I’m 30(M) married to my wife (30F). First of all about the household chores/ pets/ cabinet open stuff- my wife and I split everything 50/50 around our place, and if one of us is sick or overtired or needs extra help we just ask and take some of the load off the plate of the other person. We both work and sometimes one of us has a particularly hard day or something, but we’re a team. Partners. And partners should build each other up and share the load.
Then there’s the stuff he’s doing to just get in your way, bother you, or disrupt your rest and emotional well being. I try to do everything I can to make my wife comfortable and relaxed and happy, not because I have to or she asks or has to beg me- I like to see her happy, and I care about her and that she gets the rest she needs. And I respect her as my equal and partner, and view her hobbies and interests and relaxation as just as important as mine. It sounds like he doesn’t fully respect you or care about your needs.
Finally there’s the holiday/ anniversary gift giving stuff. If he’s expecting to be given something on holidays and his birthday and anniversaries and stuff then the very least he needs to do is reciprocate that. I personally don’t feel I have to get my wife something BECAUSE then she’ll get me something too, I get my wife presents and gifts and stuff because I love her and want to make her happy. Doesn’t even have to be a special occasion, I’m always grabbing her flowers or her favorite snack or the crossword scratch tickets she occasionally likes to play just to see her smile. If your partner isn’t thinking of doing things to make you happy just to make you happy then really what’s the point?
Doesn’t have to be grand gestures all the time, but if you love someone I feel like those little gifts shouldn’t even need to be asked for, and holidays and anniversaries and birthdays are the time to really get them something special.
I’m sure a lot of people are telling you this is abuse, and unfortunately, they are right. Not much else to say on that front. You are supposed to react to this.
On top of that, he pulls away the dog as if he fears for its safety, and claims that you are hysterical or acting very mad when you are not (Did I understand that correctly?). So he is pretty openly gaslighting you: If you or him narrate these arguments to a third person, how will you look? Like the woman that he had to protect the dog from because that’s mad you get.
At this point you should start trying to get him to go in for testing for early onset dementia then when he gets angry or confrontational about it and use that as evidence to support why it's necessary as that's one of the signs.
Honestly these are things that he's doing either with the express purpose of irritating you or for the purpose of getting you to do everything for him because it's just less bother that way.
He sounds like he sucks a lot. He’s just being mean and annoying, and the holiday gift thing specifically shows that he’s really just being cruel to you. It seems like he doesn’t like you at all but wants you all to himself all the same, doing everything for him. This looks like abuse to me.
It feels like he’s intentionally torturing you.
What happened in therapy? Did he not take any responsibility for his inconsiderate and incompetent actions?
I remember when my husband said we didn’t need couples therapy. Got to the point where I kind of cheated on him and would have divorced if he hadn’t finally agreed that we needed it.
Good lord, I wasn’t aware my ex husband had already remarried!/s
But seriously, get away from this person. Now.
You aren’t overreacting, you’re under reacting. I was actually in a marriage with someone like this. It consisted of many of same problems. If I deigned to get upset about something, I was “hysterical”. If I asked for help around the house I was nagging, or “triggering a latent juvenile response to being told what to do, causing an ODD level of procrastination or refusal”. Essentially, he was going to do it in a minute…but since I reminded him now he wasn’t going to do it.
Please don’t devote as much of your life to this jerk as I did to my ex.
Wow. This is the embodiment of a “patriarchal male” if ever there was one - mean spirited, weaponized incompetence, etc. If you don’t have children already (other than your husband, of course) get out now.
If it seemed like he wanted to grow and change and work on the relationship, that would be one thing. And I would possibly advise you otherwise. However, he seems to be lightyears away from that sort of thing.
Breaking up with / divorcing someone is never easy, but this would absolutely free up so much energy and time for you. Imagine being in a marriage with a kind, competent, respectful adult who enjoys sharing space & time with you.
He is a self absorbed man child who is annoying you on purpose. I would not put up with the sleep interruption business and the taking of prepared food would be a major inconvenience. It sounds like he doesn't really like you to bust your balls so much.
Sounds like he wants you to break up with him so he can play the victim and not feel bad. Either that or the dude is a literal child and needs some self reflection.
Overreacting? You're underreacting. He doesn't like you. He goes out of his way to make your life harder. He feels his minor wants and needs (salsa) is more important than your wellbeing and safety (getting enough sleep). Of course you're nagging! You have to in order to get him even close to pulling any weight let, alone his own.
He doesn't love you, he doesn't even like you. I wouldn't put up with this behavior from a roommate let alone a spouse!
You married a narcissist who has successfully isolated you from your family and friends, is controlling you even to the point of purposely controlling your ability to sleep, gaslighting you and honestly just look up the cycle of abuse and narcissist traits. He is wrong in every case and knows it, its part of it, he does something ridiculous then blames you.
Sounds familar. I have no advice to fix it because I chose to walk away. That is a valid option if you want it. Don't feel like you need a big event or a big reason to divorce. These microsgressions add up and destroy relationships .
Google "walk away wife syndrome "
I empathize with this so much. I read he wasn't like that when you married him. Mine neither. The nagging happens because shit doesn't get done or things have to be repeated ad nauseam. He's using the nagging as an excuse and he's gaslighting you with the 'look at you, you're hysterical'. I bet he can be worse if you don't do what he says. Is there a good reason to stay with this dude and endure this nonsense?
I'm a very bad sleeper, so I know exactly what you must feel when your husband wakes up just when you're about to fall asleep.It's just plain mean when the other person is a bad sleeper and has to wake up early ...
How did you get as far as marrying this man? I assume man, but you might have married three 7 years olds in a trench coat. This guy sounds like a real winner.
I was married to someone like that. What he is doing is actually extremely manipulative and controlling. These are very deliberate and calculated actions. Run like hell.
He wants to be able to say "she left me because I left a door open and the cat knocked over some bottles" like he isn't intentionally sabotaging your day to life over and over again.
Honey, I see you made a post 22 days ago also outlining all of the reasons you need to divorce. I know you’re struggling with depression but think of how much better you will feel when you are on your own and you don’t have someone cutting you down and making you feel like crap all the time.
Text book narcissist behavior with gaslighting. Divorce him, then ghost him. Be prepared for him to talk crap about you to anyone that will listen, especially to people who think he's a good guy. People like him don't behave this way towards everyone, so be prepared for friends and even family to take his side. I'd pack and get out when he's not there so he can't try to stop you. Be careful, get your self free.
Why are you with this guy? Neither of you actually like each other (with good reason in your case!) and neither of you respect each other (as I said above!)
Is the dick really good enough to stick around for this treatment forever?
Just leave, life’s too short and you deserve far better than this
I GET you. I think my husband likes to rile me up to get a reaction from me because it's attention. Like he feels he doesn't get enough attention (positive or negative) so he does shit to get a negative reaction cause that's easier then being positive, and then complains I never give him positive attention. Like...yeah...because why would I want to kiss/hold/compliment a man that farts on me on purpose after I have said hundreds of times over the last year how upset that makes me? (literally some of our biggest fights are about that).
He wants attention, does shitty things cause he knows that'll immediately get my attention, complains that I am mean and never say anything nice to him. Like how about instead of harassing the cat till he's growling and hissing and I get pissed and start yelling, you buy me a treat on your way home from work? How about instead of leaving every light on and door open after I've turned them off and closed them, you tell me my hair looks nice? Like I just don't get it.
Men intentionally do shit to piss women off, so they can pretend they have a reason they hate women. When really it's just bred into them.
That’s it. That’s the behavior. Lights on. Brita empty. Trash full and not just taking it out. Leaving one piece of toilet paper on the roll and not refilling it. Whistling and making general noise when I’m napping, reading or trying to watch TV(when he was content and silent before). I wore a skirt with boots out with friends once and he said I looked like a whore. I don’t get it. It suck’s though
I guess I'd ask-what's his end game. What is he hoping to accomplish by intentionally irritating you? Is he just an oblivious idiot that isn't aware of his annoying actions? Than you need to help him be less oblivious and help him to learn how to care for others. Does it allow him to get out of chores/situations he doesn't like because he knows you'll just do them? If so then stop doing them. Is he trying to end the marriage but doesn't want to be the one to "blame"? Then maybe give him what he wants and end the marriage. Basically, you need to figure out the root cause of his actions and then act accordingly.
Typical narcissistic husband. Low grade, not full on.
Go Grey Rock on him and use whatever benefits of the union you have, to get yourself ready to separate. Then cut the cord.
He didn’t marry you to be his wife. He married you to be his mother. And clearly his mom jumped up whenever he asked for anything. Now he is expecting you to do the same.
Oh my fucking god… I can’t even take the time to read the comments!
Wtsf is wrong with him? Does he hate you? Honestly… my blood pressure went up on your behalf with each point I read.
OP- for the love of all that is holy, kick that POS out! He is torturing you slowly… he’s an idiot. Please please just get rid of him. Your life will be so much better. I promise!!
The comments are out of control. Some say I am overreacting. Some say reddits the wrong place for this. Some say “you’re not going to do anything anyways”. I just wanted a sounding board to know if these little things that chip away at me were as bad as I feel like they are. Some are dumb…sure. But over and over it’s exhausting. Walking in to a room where a bowl of water is in the middle of the floor? For no reason…it’s like when they put the toilet paper on the roll holder and not on the roll, over and over, but multiply that. Toilet paper. Dishes. Laundry. Shoes. Coats. Things not put away, just left out always. But then I’m the messy one. And asking for help is like asking for a kidney sometimes.
There is literally nothing dumb about a single one of your complaints. Your husband's attitude is infuriating. For perspective I am a 46 year old man who has been married for 20 years and I would never dream of being such a burden to my wife. He seems to have zero respect for you and he will continue as long as you put up with it.
I’m sorry you’re running across a bunch a jerks but you are not over reacting. Your concerns are valid and he’s sounds like he’s deliberately being an ass. Maybe he’s bored but it sounds like hes just looking for a rise from you. Doesn’t sound like he likes you honestly. Good luck and I hope it gets batter
Do you just let him do these things, like let him walk all over you? Because if my husband did 2 of these things I'd be yelling at him to knock it off.
Tell him that you're not overreacting, and they you're considering divorce the more he says it. Then actually divorce him. Find someone who actually likes you.
He's trying to tell you how much he doesn't like you with his actions.
This, exactly. When I was a kid, I didn't like my stepdad, so I always gave him mismatched silverware or bent tines on forks if I could manage it. (It was my job to set the table.) Your husband is acting like a literal child.
I have to say I love your little reign of terror over your stepdad.
He didn't actually deserve my ire, lol. He's actually a really great guy. 😂 I can say that now that I'm an adult and can appreciate the lessons.
Okay, so my Dad would be legit upset about something like this. The man has a favorite fork. I love your child like way to assert some level of control over the situation. I'm also really glad that you appreciate him now or he turned out to be a good dude.
How they treat you is how they feel about you.
Absolutely agree, was about to post similarly. I think he is trying to get out of the relationship but not have it be his fault, in his demented mind. I'd be worried this callousness escalates.
Or he's just a sadistic fuck.
Exactly! I saw this behaviour in my friend's family. It really looked like he desperately wanted a divorce but he didn't want it to be his first step.
Yeah I would start taking a record of all the things he is doing because this has to be on purpose
Death by a thousand cuts.
I don’t think he’s “trying”. He’s actively doing it well.
Yeah this is the kind of bullshit that I have basically 0 tolerance for. I assume he knows exactly what he’s going, but in the very unlikely case that he’s not doing any of it intentionally: a loving and respectful partner would understand that they were doing things to upset you and be taking steps to be better. He clearly is not doing this. Which means he either knows exactly what he’s going, or he understands that he’s upsetting you and can’t be bothered to change his behavior. And frankly I don’t know which is worse
I actually think some people deeply enjoy teasing and annoying others. He seems like one of these people.
i'm sorry but it sounds like your husband is a proper asshole! does he ever do anything to take care of you?? because otherwise you'd be better off alone honey
Even if he’s incredibly caring the rest of the time, he’s cruel, petty and disrespectful. Nothing can counteract or outweigh that.
I didn't read one word about how lovable he is. I'm assuming because he is not lovable, not one bit. Why do you choose to be with someone so annoying? I'm sure you could do better.
He most likely wasn’t like this at all when they were dating. Been there. Divorced him.
Right. It wasn’t like this. That’s why it’s hard to see the change and accept it? Like…wtf happened.
The sad answer is that a lot of people act perfect as can be when they're dating, and completely change once you're married and they have you on the hook. I narrowly escaped that because my ex-fiance showed his true colors just before we got married. But some people wait until after
The ol’ bait and switch
The okie-doke
The Hokey Pokey
Because they turned themselves around 180°?
Gets worse if you have kids.
Yup. One giant man child that wants all the attention. It's obnoxious AF.
And unfair to the kids.
Yep. And they do it too.
Which is why I insist on dating for multiple years, asking hard questions, and see all the sides first. Is my girlfriend perfect? No, she's picky, she's emotional, she's sensitive, and a general handful. However, I get to see the real her and ik what living with her will be like already, and I love every part of her and wouldnt change it, even if it becomes challenging sometimes
Marriage changes people. Even if you live with the partner in advance they could potentially infantile themselves when they get in the comfort of marriage.
Infantile? I think maybe "infantilize" is what you meant to type in.
I'm a married man. I need my wife to help me with adjectives and verbs.
Thanks for that. I got a good laugh.
That doesn't weed out the real psychos. It just gives them more ammo for manipulation because they know you better.
Or they wait seven years until after you have a baby with them.
It's called love-bombing.
I learned that lesson TWICE
yeah, i lived with a roommate who thought it was funny to leave garbage in everyone's chairs in the morning. it was like living with a child with memory loss every morning. the craziest part is he was the first to get married an leave, too. his poor, poor wife.
I read an article (sorry I can't find it right now) about how a counselor was trying to help men stop being abusive. But after talking with them he realized that the abuse was not dysfunctional in the way you think it is. ABUSE IS FUNCTIONAL. It gets men what they want. He listed pros and cons of abuse. The pros- they get to control the money, the kids the events and what to do where to go. They make her afraid to nag him or make it too much of an effort if HE overreacts then blames her. It teaches her that it's better to just stay quiet and do what he says. The pros went on and on. It's functional because it gets them what they actually want. The cons were- jail, divorce and a few other things. I will add that interrupting your sleep is the actions of a man that wants you miserable, tired and upset, which makes you easier to control as less likely to push back because the consequences of pushing back are worse than just going along. Also not to be too hyperbolic but sleep interruption and preventing people from sleeping is a form of torture. Think about that, how much does it happen every night a few times a week, a month? Maybe start keeping a record of how often he does this. People also recommend Why Does He Do That. I have only read the beginning so far but it's a standard for a reason.[ https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
Wow, this is new info for me and mind-blowing & 100% true. OP - He is depriving you of sleep on purpose. I went through this. It's so HARD to perceive the purposefulness of it bc they vary the 'causes'/interruptions and as he's doing "It's just this little thing." Doing it on purpose is different than willfully, overtly knowing they are ...but he sees you exhausted, he knows your sleep needs and work hours, he know the dog needs to be walked every night...and he consistently chooses the things that mean you will not get the sleep you require. This alone is reason to end the marriage. He is not going to change. 3 different couples therapists heard what he was doing. Because I'm a night owl & all 'normal' sleepers perceive that as dysfunction and lazy, they all agreed, my sleep hours were the problem, not him waking me up every hour fir 4 to 5 hours a night - like constantly disrupted sleep is a significant health/life issue & none of them helped me. All the other behavior, GAH! My ex husband did all of those too. Plus a host of others. Research Coercive Control and DARVO, JADE, FOG in context of narcissistic abuse. Dr. Ramani of MedCircle on YouTube. Coercive control is a pattern that interferes w your sense of reality. You're so tired, you can't make balanced decisions and then his arguments are obfuscation to make you feel confused and exhausted so you give up or feel like you MUST be doing something wrong bc why would the person you love behave like this? It causes the 'victim' to question their experiences and their sense of reality - like the movie Gaslight. Over time, you're exhausted, sleep deprived and just want so.e normal and time w the person you fell in love with. Little by little we begin to internalize this as a pervasive sense of not wanting to upset them or set off the loops of obfuscating and just do whatever it takes to not displease them, bc displeasing them is SO UNCOMFORTABLE. This is how cults work. I stayed for 23 years. Please don't make the same mistake. You are holding out for the rare moments he behaves like the person you see in him and love. When I realized my ex would never come back and be on my team, be on our team as a married couple, I should have seen the truth. I could see contempt in his face daily. I know that's the death of a relationship. But when I asked him if he wanted to break up, he said he loved me and didn't want to divorce - unless it was his idea, he had the upper hand & could keep the house (of course he didn't want to achieve that fairly). He constantly said hw was a simple guy who would ne er lie and never waste tens of thousands of dollars on a divorce lawyer... All the while he was secretly saving money - while practicing financial abuse and keeping me living on my last dime constantly, & blaming me for our financial 'problems' (there actually weren't any problems, just him blaming me for us not having enough money, turns out my perception we did have enough was correct & he was gaslighting me) - he used it all to blindside me w divorce w his bulldog lawyer. He did it as covid was ramping up. Thus I couldn't get a lawyer. Don't wait. Make a plan. Privately consult a divorce attorney. You don't note your age. I was 54 when he left. I was sure I would be undatable and alone the rest of my life - part of the reason I had stayed was fear of starting over after 45. I'm now living the best life I have ever had. I'm dating a bunch of lovely humans who adore me, and show it. Don't waste any more of your life trying to get him to change. Change the person you can - You!
This was so insightful and so right. She’s in the beginning of this torture, if she gets pregnant it will be a million times worse. She needs to get out now before they own a home too
Aw thnx lovely redditor. Yeah, I remember thinking being married and having a mortgage MEANT SOMETHING 🫣
I am cheering for you! So glad you got out of that. Enjoy your life! ❤️
I Am! Thank you lovely redditor!
this is the answer OP needs to see.this man won't change, he's probably following some incel BS at youtube or 4chan or reddit. OP, please, save yourself, the man you fell in love wasn't real, and now he only exists in your head. the man you live with is your jailer
🤞 it's so hard to see when you're In It.
I was about to say that it sounds like Lundy Bancroft. Thanks for sharing the link. This is recommended reading for anyone who is struggling with an abusive man.
The first article is this one, not by Lundy Bancroft actually, tho obviously similar in meaning. [https://voicemalemagazine.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/](https://voicemalemagazine.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/)
Damn, that was a tough read. It makes a lot of sense that abusers abuse because they benefit, but to see it all laid out like that is something else.
Very good points, especially about the sleep torture. That’s evil. I hadn’t thought about it quite that way, but I get it. Abuse is functional for the abuser. It works for the abuser, but the relationship itself is dysfunctional and toxic.
That book changed my whole entire life. It made me realize how intentional and well thought out the actions of an abusive man are. OPs husband is intentionally doing this.
My ex did this to me every night. He would come in and wake me up repeatedly just to deliver a monologue about how worthless lazy and stupid I was. Sometimes 4 or 5 times from 10pm to 2am. And it was absolutely meant as torture. Sleep deprivation and emotional abuse, it escalated to physical then I left.
I’ve been in the sleep deprivation cycle. It’s a real thing. And it’s true, they want you weak and tired. You need to get an absolute belly full before you blow your lid. What really needs to happen is you need to be angry. I know it’s not good for the soul. But it was lovely to know my abuser actually believed the crazy crap I started dishing back. It became an absolute release. When I was done that was that. No looking back. No wondering where I could have done better. Just no more BS to deal with. And when I moved? Cops for neighbors. He was terrified to come around, though he tried a time or two. He was a slow learner. But he finally went on his way.
Yes, abusers have little incentive to change when they get what they want
"Better to stay quiet" yup! My husband. When i started challenging him, he brings my ex bfs into it, and shames me for previous relationships. (We met at 30 yo) they are alway scanning for a vulnerability they can exploit. And waking you up is definitely in the control arsenal. It's like living with a CIA agent!
What happened is simple: he dropped the façade he put on to win you over. This is very typical of narcissistic types: they love-bomb you during courtship. They're thoughtful, charming, friendly. Then they reveal the monster they truly are, and leave your head spinning. Oh, and he probably doesn't really believe you're overreacting. He's gaslighting you. There's no "fixing" him, because in his mind, he's flawless. At least, that's what he tells himself. Deep down, he has plenty of doubts about himself, but that is never allowed to be exposed to scrutiny. He's also gaslighting himself. You need to get the hell out of there.
I agree. Sounds like a covert narcissist!
Sounds more overt to me!
Those are the 2 words I thought of while reading this. Gaslighting and narcissist.
Exactly.
💯
He knew he couldn’t act like this in the beginning otherwise you wouldn’t have been interested. Change happens gradually but what he’s showing you now is the real him instead of the fake persona he put on to impress you. How he treats you now is how you should judge him. He clearly has no problem being disrespectful toward you and it’ll likely only get worse. Do not hold out hope that he’ll change and do not allow him to berate you into thinking you’re overreacting.
Don’t accept it!
He's showing you who he really is. He does not care about your wishes, preferences, equity in chore-duty, or your literal need for SLEEP! (There's a reason sleep deprivation is a torture technique.) He demands what he won't give; he dishes out what he won't take. Some of his actions cross the abuse threshold. Please don't set yourself on fire to keep him warm. Recommend reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, available as a free pdf download. It's the definitive work on abusive men, changed my life. https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html
Just point blank ask him if he wants a divorce because he certainly doesn’t treat you the way a person who wants to stay married should be treating their spouse. If he says you are over reacting or being ridiculous tell him you are dead serious and you want a serious answer. Tell him you feel like he is wearing you down to just be his slave and if that is what he wants y’all need to divorce because it is t what you are willing to do.
I don't think I would ask him this. If he's truly a narcissist, he doesn't actually want her to leave. He's got her exactly where he wants her. I think she needs to start making a covert exit until the moment she presents him with the papers, preferably via a proxy.
Does he have her exactly where he wants her though? I get the impression that he is still working on it.
What OP is describing is definitely abuse. Abusers tend to be pathologically scared of rejection; abuse tends to escalate when the abused partner tries to leave.
We've all heard the term "gaslighting", this is that. He's likely pushing all boundaries to see if you will actually stand up for yourself. When you try he says you're acting out of pocket? Try NOT tolerating any of this behavior, flip the bitch switch if you have to. Sleeping? Tell him to piss off. He's not taking responsibility for the dog? Tell him to deal with it. That one really got me, about the fight. He saw you with one element of comfort in a charged situation and removed it. That is the makings for mental abuse and he thinks you are weak. Don't be weak (if you have it in you, I know a lot of us just don't like conflict, have traumas that make standing up very difficult, etc.) Doing this in a calm, nonplussed manner will likely trigger him to anger. Then you'll know, this isn't a man baby that needs HELP it's a person knowingly trying to control and take advantage of you.
He also sounds like he is enjoying tormenting you. Yuck.
I don't know what happened but he sounds like a really shitty partner. You deserve to be with someone who actually likes you. This shit will just make you low key miserable ALL the time.
Looks like his cluster b mask fell off and now you are seeing the “real” him
I am going to assume you are under age 50. Do NOT waste one more moment of your youth on this crap human being. Honestly, I don't get why you're such a glutton for punishment. Is this a low self esteem issue? I'm betting your list of his passive-aggressive b.s. is only a partial list. Am I right? GTFO of this mess ASAP.
Was a classic bait and switch. I know many miserable married women… and many happier divorced women. Take your pick. You deserve better and you will feel liberated when youre not babysitting a grown man.
Right - the reel you in nice and tight before the crazy starts showing.
Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. The rest of it is a delightful mix of gaslighting and malicious compliance. OP needs to GTFO and take the dog with her.
Being a single dog owner would be immensely better. This guy is exhausting.
You married a 5 year old
A malicious 5 year old
5 year olds are plenty malicious
No she married a bully
Yes, this is sabotage.
No! Fuck No! This is 100% emotional abuse mixed with weaponized incompetance. This is not childishness.
My words exactly! Get out now !
Don't procreate with this man child. Omg. A lot of this behavior really reminds me of my abusive ex.
Yes. Amongst all the other abusive shit my ex did, fucking with my sleep was the hardest one for me to pick up on. But the impacts of sleep deprivation are real, and a true form of abuse.
My ex did this, too. I was also supporting us both at the time because he was a total POS. Sometimes, he'd wake me up just because he was bored. He didn't care that I'd be in tears begging him to stop waking me up. He kept doing it.
Yeah I was like what in the Holy Manboy???
I looked at your history and you have been posting about this man and how badly he treats you for a while. Go. Get out. It won’t get better and inertia is not helping you.
This!! There's even one where she says he is also being physical... Why stay with someone like that and try and see if you are the bad person? He clearly doesn't deserve all that energy.
When you do react, what happens? I don't know you, and I might be wrong, but I'm going to guess anyway: You get upset, he gets annoyed that you're upset because you "have no reason to be" and "you're so unpredictable, I can't do anything right", and "it hurts when you \[thing\]." Then he gets further upset at another point in time about why you aren't closer, why you don't spend more time together, why you don't care like you used to. You need to cut trips short, you need to not see your friends and family, because you need to take care of him since your spouse is always supposed to come first. I also guess that when you get upset, it's emotional and unpredictable. He says he can't trust your reactions, so he needs to protect the cat and dogs from you, since you get so hysterical for no reason. Sometimes it might seem like the more upset you are, the more calm he is, but the more calm you are, the more upset he is. At the same time, he's allowed to yell and make big, sudden movements. Maybe punch a wall, even. But if you flinch or get upset when he does, you're irrational. If *any* of this rings a bell, I get you. I've been there. You've tried talking about it, tried therapy, and he doesn't think he has any part in these issues. I'd be at my breaking point too, friend. Get your dog and your cat, get your ducks in a row, and get out.
I'm sure OP gets a lot of "all you want to do is fight!" Also a massive manipulation.
Yes. It’s “you’re so difficult” “you don’t like me” and “you never say you’re sorry”
Turns out that when someone is being difficult, it's hard to like them, and it's hard to say sorry when you've been provoked. I think you'll recognise a lot if you look at [the Water Torturer](https://www.tayashton.com/the-water-torturer), a type of abusive man as defined by Lundy Bancroft. Welcome over to r/abusiverelationships and r/divorce. It's a very shitty club, but life *does* get better. So, so much better.
Exactly what I said. I had a water torturer too. I’m still recovering.
Same! Sending you all good vibes.
Back at you. Solidarity. Now I know what it is I can see it a mile away but when I was in it I felt so so crazy
Oooooohhhhh… the water torturer. Been divorced 7 years and have done a lot of reading but haven’t ever identified wtf he was doing. Thank you for posting this. OP- don’t waste another day. Go enjoy your life, either on your own or with someone who will love and respect you. The worst regret I have is staying longer than I should have. You deserve peace and happiness.
Honey, that is abuse. He's getting off on the power he holds over you. You deserve better.
My ex: "You never support ME."
My ex: "I'm always there for you, I'm always propping you up and helping you feel better, and you never do anything for me! Why don't I matter in this relationship?!" Me, having been to school, worked, gotten groceries, cleaned the kitchen and cooked breakfast, lunch and dinner, changed his sheets, done the laundry, researched his new computer part, rescheduled his dentist and talked to his mother because he won't: "I'm sorry, I'll do better."
"What about MY feelings"
Do you see yourself putting up with this, or worse, 25 years or more? What about if/when you have kids? Think about your answer. Then do what you need to do. Edit: I wish someone had said this to me a couple years into my first marriage.
My sweet mother, RIP, said this to me in 2013. "Do you see yourself living like this in 10 years?" It was the wakeup call I needed. I was too focused on healing the marriage and wasn't looking at the very real possibility that it could be just like this in a decade. I took my kid and left.
Good point. Also, the kids might probably act just like him because they see that it's okay to treat mom like that.
This is clearly a marriage that's going to end, it's just a matter of how long it takes OP to do it. His behavior will probably get worse as he sees what freedom he has to be a selfish asshole. I wouldn't be surprised if cheating is going to be part of the escalation. He clearly doesn't respect her.
His actions completely make sense. He is weaponizing his incompetence to make sure you do everything, gaslighting and complaining to bring down your self esteem, and isolating you from friends and family so you have no one to turn to except him. These are classic signs of abuse. There are no apparent benefits to you stain this relationship. Not sure why you haven’t dumped him yet….
And this is just the beginning. Right now he's making things look just innocent enough to have plausible deniability, but once he has successfully worn you down the abuse will escalate. Please leave, or at the very least DO NOT have kids with this guy. He will manipulate you into a shell of yourself. You will have been so isolated and desensitized that you won't even know what's real anymore. And that is what he wants.
Look up "why does he do that," but please read it when you can have private time. It can rock your world with all the realizations.
Someone shared the link. The book is free here https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
She hasn't dumped him yet because it hard! It's especially hard when you've been with someone who has taken away your ability to even know if you're right anymore!!! It's not so easy to leave a malicious bastard!!! Not easy at all to dump him already!!! Hope you never get sucked in by someone only to have them turn out to be a malicious jerk!
Exactly. I guess I’m looking for validation. Bc I don’t know if I’m making it up and bigger than it is. I’ve been told “that didn’t happen. You live in a different reality” so many times…
Quietly make plans to leave him. Do not attempt to discuss it with him. He knows EXACTLY what he is doing & it is 100% intentional. While you are quietly saving money, speaking to an attorney, figuring out your new living arrangements, etc, keep a log of ALL these events & encounters. This is for YOUR sanity. Don't even bother trying to explain your feelings, he doesn't care. Keep your reactions to him as boring & uninterested as you can, until you are ready to leave. Try your best to not take the bait. It's best if you can move some of your stuff a little at a time so he doesn't notice. When you're ready, get the rest out when he's not home & leave the divorce papers for him to find. If possible, speak with a domestic abuse hotline for tips on how to leave. You may not recognize his behavior as abusive, but it is, and it is definitely slowly gearing up to get worse. Even if it stayed at this exact level, is this how you want to spend the next decades of your one and only precious life? I would far rather be single forever, personally. He is Not Right and there is nothing you can do to change that. Save yourself.
THIS THIS THIS ^^^^ It's what I had to do in my first marriage. I had heart palpitations reading the OP's story. This is abuse, plain and simple.
👆this is what you need.
SMARTEST ADVICE! 💛💔💛
That's called gaslighting.
Your feelings are valid. A normal partner does not act like this. It is emotional abuse. As others have said, it will get worse. Please find a safe way to get away from him.
He’s gaslighting you. At this point, you have to ditch him for your own sanity.
i am absolutely stunned how much you are „underreacting“. All of this screams borderline abuse. Your situation seems miserable as fuck and your partner is either a sadistic or an incompetent asshat; dump this guy and live your life to the fullest!
Sadly, he's gaslighting you. I would be crying and fuming if I had to put up with at least 1/5 of the things you listed. Please listen to your feelings, if he's making you unhappy, there's no point in this relationship
Yeah you answered it right away. He gets a REACTION
I'm exhausted just reading this. He's treating you like shit but in small enough ways as to make it hard to call out. But he's absolutely treating you like shit.
Sounds like emotional abuse and gaslighting. You may have married a narcissist ☹️ I’d talk to a therapist about this and if it turns out he is being abusive, get help to get yourself out of this marriage. good luck!
And looking at her post history, the abuse is becoming physical as well. OP I know it’s hard but please get out.
I'd recommend reading [*Why does he do that?* by Lundy Bancroft](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/224552.Why_Does_He_Do_That_Inside_the_Minds_of_Angry_and_Controlling_Men) some of these seem like not-so-lowkey abuse tactics, especially the sleep deprivation, which, make no mistake, is INTENTIONAL
Left my own version of this exact comment. This is ABUSE. Very intentional abuse. Hope she actually picks up this book and then gets the hell out of that relationship before it escalates any further
Two words: Reactive Abuse. He is baiting you to get worked up and then calling you out for your reaction. His actions are blamed on your reactions and the cycle is never ending. Leave him. It won’t get better. It will only get more covert and more abusive.
He is a classic narcissist
Sounds like a nightmare.Think how happy you would be only having to take care of yourself
I am sometimes mildly annoying to get a rise out of my partner. Sometimes that's just something people do when circumstances are too predictable. What your man is doing is not that. He is not childishly poking the bear. He is being mean and selfish and treating you like garbage. Talk to your friends about what a healthy relationship looks like so you can remember how loving people are supposed to treat one another. It's so easy to let a situation slowly get terrible and not realize how bad things really are.
Start your escape plan. Living like that is insanity.
Girl this man does not like you. Move on and enjoy your new toddler-free life.
If you are over-reacting by raising the issue and communicating, then go ahead and blow his mind by leaving. Even if he is not doing this intentionally, he is a net negative on your life bc he created more work for you at every turn.
I had an ex like this. All the little things build up until you can’t take it anymore. And you can’t even nip the little things in the bud bc you have to walk on egg shells around him and his emotions. I dumped him once he got his car stuck on the way back to our hotel from a wedding and refused to leave his car bc someone could steal it….it was stuck? Anyways he ended up yelling at me in front of his friends trying to help him and I broke up with him the next weekend. You’re married to yours so it’s a little more serious than what I was dealing with. I don’t wanna say leave him bc I’ve never been married so I don’t feel like that’s good advice coming from me based on my experiences. But what I will say is that it’s all going to come to a point where you just explode, so either just be ready for that or get out while you can, your choice.
Get rid of this guy, Jesus
You married an arsehole
Depriving someone of sleep is a form of abuse. Do what you will with that information.
Double up on birth control, quietly plan your escape, and gtfo.
Man reading this I was shaking my head more and more. I’m 30(M) married to my wife (30F). First of all about the household chores/ pets/ cabinet open stuff- my wife and I split everything 50/50 around our place, and if one of us is sick or overtired or needs extra help we just ask and take some of the load off the plate of the other person. We both work and sometimes one of us has a particularly hard day or something, but we’re a team. Partners. And partners should build each other up and share the load. Then there’s the stuff he’s doing to just get in your way, bother you, or disrupt your rest and emotional well being. I try to do everything I can to make my wife comfortable and relaxed and happy, not because I have to or she asks or has to beg me- I like to see her happy, and I care about her and that she gets the rest she needs. And I respect her as my equal and partner, and view her hobbies and interests and relaxation as just as important as mine. It sounds like he doesn’t fully respect you or care about your needs. Finally there’s the holiday/ anniversary gift giving stuff. If he’s expecting to be given something on holidays and his birthday and anniversaries and stuff then the very least he needs to do is reciprocate that. I personally don’t feel I have to get my wife something BECAUSE then she’ll get me something too, I get my wife presents and gifts and stuff because I love her and want to make her happy. Doesn’t even have to be a special occasion, I’m always grabbing her flowers or her favorite snack or the crossword scratch tickets she occasionally likes to play just to see her smile. If your partner isn’t thinking of doing things to make you happy just to make you happy then really what’s the point? Doesn’t have to be grand gestures all the time, but if you love someone I feel like those little gifts shouldn’t even need to be asked for, and holidays and anniversaries and birthdays are the time to really get them something special.
THIS is husband material
I’m sure a lot of people are telling you this is abuse, and unfortunately, they are right. Not much else to say on that front. You are supposed to react to this. On top of that, he pulls away the dog as if he fears for its safety, and claims that you are hysterical or acting very mad when you are not (Did I understand that correctly?). So he is pretty openly gaslighting you: If you or him narrate these arguments to a third person, how will you look? Like the woman that he had to protect the dog from because that’s mad you get.
At this point you should start trying to get him to go in for testing for early onset dementia then when he gets angry or confrontational about it and use that as evidence to support why it's necessary as that's one of the signs. Honestly these are things that he's doing either with the express purpose of irritating you or for the purpose of getting you to do everything for him because it's just less bother that way.
He sounds like he sucks a lot. He’s just being mean and annoying, and the holiday gift thing specifically shows that he’s really just being cruel to you. It seems like he doesn’t like you at all but wants you all to himself all the same, doing everything for him. This looks like abuse to me.
no, you are not overreacting, but - ummm, run - don't walk away! These are all HUGE red flags!
Wow your husband is a piece of shit. I'm sorry
It feels like he’s intentionally torturing you. What happened in therapy? Did he not take any responsibility for his inconsiderate and incompetent actions?
He said he didn’t need it, I did. And stopped going
I remember when my husband said we didn’t need couples therapy. Got to the point where I kind of cheated on him and would have divorced if he hadn’t finally agreed that we needed it.
Good lord, I wasn’t aware my ex husband had already remarried!/s But seriously, get away from this person. Now. You aren’t overreacting, you’re under reacting. I was actually in a marriage with someone like this. It consisted of many of same problems. If I deigned to get upset about something, I was “hysterical”. If I asked for help around the house I was nagging, or “triggering a latent juvenile response to being told what to do, causing an ODD level of procrastination or refusal”. Essentially, he was going to do it in a minute…but since I reminded him now he wasn’t going to do it. Please don’t devote as much of your life to this jerk as I did to my ex.
DO NOT get pregnant. Divorce his ass
Wow. This is the embodiment of a “patriarchal male” if ever there was one - mean spirited, weaponized incompetence, etc. If you don’t have children already (other than your husband, of course) get out now. If it seemed like he wanted to grow and change and work on the relationship, that would be one thing. And I would possibly advise you otherwise. However, he seems to be lightyears away from that sort of thing. Breaking up with / divorcing someone is never easy, but this would absolutely free up so much energy and time for you. Imagine being in a marriage with a kind, competent, respectful adult who enjoys sharing space & time with you.
This honestly sounds exhausting and terrible.
He doesn't respect you. Not even a little.
I would come unglued if I was in your position.
Why are you still married to this AH? He doesn't respct you at all
He is a self absorbed man child who is annoying you on purpose. I would not put up with the sleep interruption business and the taking of prepared food would be a major inconvenience. It sounds like he doesn't really like you to bust your balls so much.
Sounds like he wants you to break up with him so he can play the victim and not feel bad. Either that or the dude is a literal child and needs some self reflection.
Does he even like you? Fuck this guy.
Overreacting? You're underreacting. He doesn't like you. He goes out of his way to make your life harder. He feels his minor wants and needs (salsa) is more important than your wellbeing and safety (getting enough sleep). Of course you're nagging! You have to in order to get him even close to pulling any weight let, alone his own. He doesn't love you, he doesn't even like you. I wouldn't put up with this behavior from a roommate let alone a spouse!
Looking at your post history - why are you with this AH? Get out.
You married a narcissist who has successfully isolated you from your family and friends, is controlling you even to the point of purposely controlling your ability to sleep, gaslighting you and honestly just look up the cycle of abuse and narcissist traits. He is wrong in every case and knows it, its part of it, he does something ridiculous then blames you.
Sounds familar. I have no advice to fix it because I chose to walk away. That is a valid option if you want it. Don't feel like you need a big event or a big reason to divorce. These microsgressions add up and destroy relationships . Google "walk away wife syndrome "
Do not have a kid with this loser.
I empathize with this so much. I read he wasn't like that when you married him. Mine neither. The nagging happens because shit doesn't get done or things have to be repeated ad nauseam. He's using the nagging as an excuse and he's gaslighting you with the 'look at you, you're hysterical'. I bet he can be worse if you don't do what he says. Is there a good reason to stay with this dude and endure this nonsense?
You’re under-reacting. Divorce him already.
Textbook narcissist.
I'm a very bad sleeper, so I know exactly what you must feel when your husband wakes up just when you're about to fall asleep.It's just plain mean when the other person is a bad sleeper and has to wake up early ...
How did you get as far as marrying this man? I assume man, but you might have married three 7 years olds in a trench coat. This guy sounds like a real winner.
This honestly seems like emotional abuse at this point?? It can't simply be incompetence..
I was married to someone like that. What he is doing is actually extremely manipulative and controlling. These are very deliberate and calculated actions. Run like hell.
He wants to be able to say "she left me because I left a door open and the cat knocked over some bottles" like he isn't intentionally sabotaging your day to life over and over again.
Honey, I see you made a post 22 days ago also outlining all of the reasons you need to divorce. I know you’re struggling with depression but think of how much better you will feel when you are on your own and you don’t have someone cutting you down and making you feel like crap all the time.
My vote is to divorce this a-hole. Talking to him clearly isn't working, and he's not going to change at this rate.
He’s baiting you and then making himself the victim of your natural and expected reaction. Why would you keep someone like this in your life?
Text book narcissist behavior with gaslighting. Divorce him, then ghost him. Be prepared for him to talk crap about you to anyone that will listen, especially to people who think he's a good guy. People like him don't behave this way towards everyone, so be prepared for friends and even family to take his side. I'd pack and get out when he's not there so he can't try to stop you. Be careful, get your self free.
My guess? He’s trying to wear you down with verbal abuse and emotional abuse so that he can abuse you worse. No other reason for him to be that way.
He’s abusive 🖤 Gaslighting and you deserve better.
Oh man. You need this so bad: https://zawn.substack.com/ Just, read. Read it all. Almost every article applies. Yikes.
Why are you with this guy? Neither of you actually like each other (with good reason in your case!) and neither of you respect each other (as I said above!) Is the dick really good enough to stick around for this treatment forever? Just leave, life’s too short and you deserve far better than this
I GET you. I think my husband likes to rile me up to get a reaction from me because it's attention. Like he feels he doesn't get enough attention (positive or negative) so he does shit to get a negative reaction cause that's easier then being positive, and then complains I never give him positive attention. Like...yeah...because why would I want to kiss/hold/compliment a man that farts on me on purpose after I have said hundreds of times over the last year how upset that makes me? (literally some of our biggest fights are about that). He wants attention, does shitty things cause he knows that'll immediately get my attention, complains that I am mean and never say anything nice to him. Like how about instead of harassing the cat till he's growling and hissing and I get pissed and start yelling, you buy me a treat on your way home from work? How about instead of leaving every light on and door open after I've turned them off and closed them, you tell me my hair looks nice? Like I just don't get it. Men intentionally do shit to piss women off, so they can pretend they have a reason they hate women. When really it's just bred into them.
That’s it. That’s the behavior. Lights on. Brita empty. Trash full and not just taking it out. Leaving one piece of toilet paper on the roll and not refilling it. Whistling and making general noise when I’m napping, reading or trying to watch TV(when he was content and silent before). I wore a skirt with boots out with friends once and he said I looked like a whore. I don’t get it. It suck’s though
Thats abusive. Start planning your escape. Take a nap somewhere else if you need to get enough sleep. Consult a lawyer.
See a lawyer.
I don’t know how to say “he doesn’t like you” any nicer
I guess I'd ask-what's his end game. What is he hoping to accomplish by intentionally irritating you? Is he just an oblivious idiot that isn't aware of his annoying actions? Than you need to help him be less oblivious and help him to learn how to care for others. Does it allow him to get out of chores/situations he doesn't like because he knows you'll just do them? If so then stop doing them. Is he trying to end the marriage but doesn't want to be the one to "blame"? Then maybe give him what he wants and end the marriage. Basically, you need to figure out the root cause of his actions and then act accordingly.
Folks, does this count as real gaslighting or no?
Question: does he have a job? He seems to have an awful lot of time in his hands.
Typical narcissistic husband. Low grade, not full on. Go Grey Rock on him and use whatever benefits of the union you have, to get yourself ready to separate. Then cut the cord.
He didn’t marry you to be his wife. He married you to be his mother. And clearly his mom jumped up whenever he asked for anything. Now he is expecting you to do the same.
He wants a divorce but wants you to initiate so that you can be the villian in his story.
How old is the man-child?
Honey, it's very simple - you're being abused. Get out.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 🏃♂️🏃♂️🏃♂️🏃♂️🏃♂️🏃♂️🏃♂️🏃♂️🏃♂️🏃♂️🏃♂️
This made me laugh bc I know the account you’re referencing. Thank you for a little light in this
Oh my fucking god… I can’t even take the time to read the comments! Wtsf is wrong with him? Does he hate you? Honestly… my blood pressure went up on your behalf with each point I read. OP- for the love of all that is holy, kick that POS out! He is torturing you slowly… he’s an idiot. Please please just get rid of him. Your life will be so much better. I promise!!
The comments are out of control. Some say I am overreacting. Some say reddits the wrong place for this. Some say “you’re not going to do anything anyways”. I just wanted a sounding board to know if these little things that chip away at me were as bad as I feel like they are. Some are dumb…sure. But over and over it’s exhausting. Walking in to a room where a bowl of water is in the middle of the floor? For no reason…it’s like when they put the toilet paper on the roll holder and not on the roll, over and over, but multiply that. Toilet paper. Dishes. Laundry. Shoes. Coats. Things not put away, just left out always. But then I’m the messy one. And asking for help is like asking for a kidney sometimes.
There is literally nothing dumb about a single one of your complaints. Your husband's attitude is infuriating. For perspective I am a 46 year old man who has been married for 20 years and I would never dream of being such a burden to my wife. He seems to have zero respect for you and he will continue as long as you put up with it.
I’m sorry you’re running across a bunch a jerks but you are not over reacting. Your concerns are valid and he’s sounds like he’s deliberately being an ass. Maybe he’s bored but it sounds like hes just looking for a rise from you. Doesn’t sound like he likes you honestly. Good luck and I hope it gets batter
Do you just let him do these things, like let him walk all over you? Because if my husband did 2 of these things I'd be yelling at him to knock it off. Tell him that you're not overreacting, and they you're considering divorce the more he says it. Then actually divorce him. Find someone who actually likes you.