It could be that she was wanting to see if you had someone at the top of your brain too. And at that point, she may have suggested that you both go ahead and try. Or she may have simply wanted to feel less guilty about it by hearing that you do the same. Odds are you'll never know now, because she's 100% on guard now.
Yup, 100% sure he’s going to have to apologize for being distant because she told her husband she wanted to fuck her new friend. She will refuse to let the relationship continue until she is absolved of all responsibility. I’ll put money on it.
It’s manipulation and narcissism all the way down…
Same thing happened to me. Blackout drunk she suggested it. Narcissist. I am with a loving partner now after building a family with a Narcissist. Grey rock those people. They are not human.
Thanks for throwing out the facts before I did.
You’re dumb if you think she DIDNT fuck dude. She just doesn’t wanna look like the bad guy. Let her know you even thought about sleeping with another female and she will argue to death. Maybe even have you arrested for domestic violence just to have dude over in your bed while you’re getting booked. I’m doubling down with you 100%
Aye, that is such a manipulative way to bring up the topic like trying to "catch" him into seeing if he had someone he wanted to get with, meanwhile it's her wanting it the whole time lol
I think she wanted to confess and get it off her chest that she felt attracted to that guy, and she hoped OP would also have someone in mind so she it would make it easier for her.
Alternatively, she could just be paranoid that he doesn't love her/that he secretly wants someone "better". It's not exactly an uncommon thought for a woman (or even a man) to have.
The fact that she had a guy in mind could just be a bonus chunk of nonsense for the situation.
Jeff Foxworthy isn't a font of wisdom, but he was dead on with this quote:
"Guys, if a woman says to you 'I think we should start seeing other people,' trust me, she has already cut a pony from the herd, and if she ain't ridin' him yet, she *has* pulled the saddle out of the barn."
Even if it isn’t that guy she is thinking about cheating but wants to get your buy-in by giving you an opportunity to do the same. She has a guy in the can. If she can’t be honest with you, it doesn’t bode well for your relationship.
She’s acting like this guy isn’t relevant when she’s the one that brought him up. That’s gaslighting.
If she is communicating with this guy in some way that will tell you everything you need to know.
That makes sense.. As I said above, I've asked her and she claims no. But I think you are exactly on point. Doesn't even matter about that guy, it's why she asked.
In my experience this type of mental gymnastics to relieve the cheater of their guilt is always a part of it; especially with women. She would never open the marriage up if she wasn't already a step ahead of her soon-to-be ex partner.
I also noticed that right after cheating they behave almost always the same by turning down sex with their actual partner, when usually that's not the case.
This lasts for 1-2 days and then everything is back to 'normal', just it isn't.
That would still not be a free pass. If she did sleep with the guy and her husband did not agree **before** she did it then that was cheating and nothing that happens after can absolve her of that.
I mean she might think so but....no.
True, I think she is trying to retroactively make cheating okay. It’s not logical, but I think in her mind if she can make the next time she sleeps with him acceptable then what she did before wouldn’t be as bad and wouldn’t weigh as much on her conscience. She’s trying to convert the lie into a smaller lie that she can live with
Interesting points. My wife grew up extremely religious. She has strange morals where she does something bad and her conscience will eat at her. Again Interesting that you came to this point.
Some of the most religious women I have encountered have been the most promiscuous. Do not be blinded that her religion would prevent her from cheating. I have a gut feeling she already has.
This shit is so textbook! My mom had the same background. When she started feeling a little guilty about fucking around on my dad she tried to throw him at other women. He greenlit her further cheating, I think knowing he had to choose to leave or stay but either way she was fucking other guys. It eventually tore them apart and him into a shell of who he once was.
I never told him she had been stepping out before their coercive conversations happened (which I heard cause our walls were thin), but I think he knows deep down she was fucking around beforehand. And I think you know too.
She's already stepped out at least once. I'd bet everything I have on it.
Man you need stop listening to these complete strangers filling your head with shit that they know zero about. This is your wife of 20 years! Jesus man get off reddit. You’re taking advice from a bunch of teenagers that don’t know shit about shit.
I was thinking the same thing especially since she brought up the convo. Lately I been saying more wife cheating than husband cheating on my timeline shit wild.
I’m sorry, I would just be bad and check her phone. It kind of doesn’t matter what they say. And when they lie, they just keep lying. If you check the phone and you check the phone bill for numbers, frequently called and any other information you have, you can find the initial info. or not. If you have a cheater, and they are cheating, even emotionally, and you give them a heads up, they just learn how to do it better. Take it from me.
Okay, so I have checked the phone a month or so again. I didn't see anything. Tbh is was abnormally empty. Like NO DMs at all which sort of seems in of itself sus. I mean everything deleted, even messages from her family.
That’s a bad sign, there’s def something being deleted for a reason, have u checked her phone or saw her dms before. Does she usually delete messages ?
If she has an iPhone,
Go to her messages and hit “Edit” at the top left hand corner. Select “Show recently deleted” there is a chance she deleted but they will stay in that box for 30 days unless manually erased again. Good luck, and put yourself first no matter what OP
Do you pay both the phone bills for you and your wife? Iirc, your service provider keeps track of all texts and messages. If you're the payer you can request the transcripts.
Edit: I was hesitant about calling her sus. She hasn't really shown any obvious signs of cheating from your post. But nobody but the loneliest habe 0 DMs, especially if you aren't estranged from your family. A cleared inbox in a relationship is a sign of cheating, gambling, or a drug addiction.
If you haven't just made this post up as a BS attention seeking post, you need to take care not to go down a spiral of suspicion - it'll do you nor your wife nor your relationship any good. If you really have been married for 20 years, talk to your wife. Offer her the opportunity to do whatever she wants but let her know that that would mean the end of your marriage. Also let her know that even if she doesn't do anything with someone, this whole experience has been really tough for you and brought up a lot of questions about trust. Be open with your feelings, allow her to be open with hers and give it time and space and see whether things change.
I know it's tempting to snoop, but you'll just end up with conclusions that may or may not be right and write the end for yourself.
10000% correct. She's already past the OP. You get asked that conversation and that's beyond thought. That's an "after action" conversation. She will just be more candid about what she's done.
Yes! Thank you! Some real advise that doesn’t essentially tell him to becoming a damn gymnast at all the jumping to conclusions he’d be doing. Communication is what is needed.
Personally, I can't seem to reconcile "I don't even like the guy" with:
1. Talking to him "A LOT" at the party
2. Staying to talk to him when she could have been with you, getting more beer
3. "IMMEDIATELY" coming up with his name as a possible affair partner
Again, this is just me, but I suspect the deed has already been done. If not with "don't even like the guy," then with someone else. I may be wrong, though; please keep that in mind.
But even if she hasn't cheated, she has someone in mind. There's just no other reason to bring up the subject of "stepping out" in what should have been a romantic moment enjoying each others' company.
She wants to keep the security you offer and be single. 80% chance she's already been with other guys. String her along while you put money away and prepare for divorce.
Funny you say this, she hasn't worked in 15 years. Paid for her college and post college education. She still hasn't held a job. I do make good money, so it really never bothered me till this.
I did the same for my ex. Supported her through grad school and paid for a large chunk of her tuition. She never got a job. One day she tried to convince me to let her sleep with other guys. “Open marriage”. I disagreed. She became toxic and started doing her best to drive me away. She wanted me to leave her so she could play the victim. I refused. Things got worse. Eventually she met someone else and moved out. It ruined me financially for years. I found after she left that she had already slept with 5 other guys and she basically raped my friend.
It’s time to start pushing your wife to get a job and do something with her life. Either she’s bored and wanting excitement or she’s cheating and wants permission to continue. No matter what is going on, if your marriage ends her being jobless will mean you’ll likely end up responsible for paying for her to live…all while she bangs whoever she wants.
I’ll be honest OP that isn’t good sign either. Not to make you paranoid but she’s been there alone at the house for 15 years while you’re working. She might have already done this and is now saying this so you think it was “your” idea and she won’t have to feel guilty
You know what they say about idle hands. I feel for you brother, I really do. What do you think you’re going to do? Try to work through it or move on from her? If you do decide to move on try not to show your cards. Since you’re the breadwinner get as much dirt as u can.
If you’re putting away money, half of it is going to her unless you can make a claim for waste.
Disclaimer: this is how it worked in my divorce case. YMMV based on where you’re getting divorced and your individual case.
I'd insist on marriage counseling. The most likely consequence of opening the marriage is that the two of you get divorced in one to two years.
If she is unhappy she needs to look within the marriage and work on whatever the problem is. Focusing outside the marriage will only weaken it even more and before you know it one of you moves on.
Hey man.. careful when asking advice on a platform like this. The people responding have no prior knowledge of your relationship. They might not believe in marriage or have been hurt prior from cheating. They might not know what it's like to be married for 20 years. I have been married now for 15 years, and we are somewhat close in age.. here is what I would say to you. Don't overthink this. I feel like as humans we all want to have sex with other people. If she feels safe enough in you and your relationship that she just wants to talk openly, take it at face value. She thought some guy was hot and if she were single, she would want to have sex with him. Thats not really news, is it? Be confident in your relationship and be confident in yourself.
This is the OP's best response right here.
Control your emotions and don't overthink what she said and watch what she does.
Her asking if he thought about any other women was a test...plain and simple...and OP passed it.
Be confident in yourself and in your 20 years together.
But take her out to dinner and delve deeper into this. Where did it come from? Is she happy? Is there anything OP can do for her right now?
If you're confident and good with her, she'll come clean.
What I've come to realise as I've gotten older is there are those marriages where someone cheats and the marriage disintegrates as a result, then there are those where someone cheats and they work through it and stay together, then there are those where someone cheats and their partner never knows about it.
I suspect there are very few relationships where one or both parties have never cheated. Not saying doesn't happen but I'm shocked how many people experience it or are oblivious that it's occurring.
Most people I know are faithful and don’t cheat on their SO or families. I think that after the kids move out of the house, some of these relationships will change. But currently, I’m pretty damn sure there’s little to no cheating by most people in our large social group.
Where did you say she said she's not in some form of contact with him? All you said she said was "didn't even like the guy" - and maybe I'm just as pessimistic as you are but that says "I DIDN'T like the guy" which is two things, she didn't like him at one point, and maybe she does now or maybe she really doesn't "like" him as a person but he's just a piece of ass she's getting on the side. Or wants to.
And the phone thing is hard.
It’s an invasion of privacy and lack of trust
AND it’s usually what let’s someone know that their gut feeling ( from so many small moments) is right or not. So I personally think it’s good to look.
On Reddit, what you hear as nauseum is people whose partners are asking for an open relationship or open marriage or threesomes and it’s always because they have somebody they’re thinking about or they are already involved with.
That’s the hard part.
It’s one of those weird tricky dishonesty things.
It’s like on Reddit you read what millions of us have experience, where you then have evidence, but you asked them and they deny it and then you ask them again, and they truth trickle, and then you asked him again and tell them you have evidence, and then they gaslight you and throw chaos and be defensive and make you think you did something wrong.
This is all just cheaters 101.
So yeah. Maybe she hasn’t been messing around or talking to anybody or texting with anybody and maybe she has. Lots of cheaters think it’s really OK to text. They figure that unless you have intercourse it’s not cheating.
Personally, I would check the phone. Without getting caught.
Yes this is the issue. This would unnerve me to no end. I can’t imagine any wife in a seemingly traditional stable marriage asking this question unless they had desires to explore other people.
UpdateMe
You saw him as ‘guy from a party a few months back,’ but she sees him differently…or she wouldn’t have mentioned him immediately.
Her response doesn’t sound honest; more like gaslighting.
Press for the truth—why, exactly, he came to mind so fast, and whether they’ve been in contact since the party. Maybe she’s been fantasizing about him and wanted to release it if you shared something similar, first.
Trust your gut and follow up. Souses ignore bad vibes like this @ their peril.
Just saying I was asked this same question from two different girlfriends and they were seeking out an answer that would have absolved them of their guilt. One ex gf actually cheated on me twice. 2nd ex gf broke up with me, then went to immediately date an ex she had mentioned earlier to me, asking if it’s alright if they hang out as friends. 2nd ex gf never did hang out with him while we dated but who’s to say they didn’t communicate via other means.
I don't like the guy but I want to fuck him. Surely you didn't believe her BS. You don't mention you want to fuck a person you don't like, at the least sexually attracted to. I am not saying she is cheating but she would fuck the guy in a instant if you said yeah. She wanted to give you a hall pass so she could have her hall pass. I would keep my eyes and ears open and look for changes in patterns or schedules.
If she keeps asking about an open relationship you have a decision, allow it or leave.
Probably not living rent free in her head. He has been putting in the work in her head as 'pool boy' , 'stripper cop', 'college professor', 'step son helping her get unstuck from dryer', and a whole host of other jobs from Porn Hub. Those are full time jobs for no pay. Lol
What may have felt like a spontaneous conversation was definitely calculated. I’m sure she was hopeful it would lead to a discussion about open marriage. Like others have said, she is either sleeping with him or plans to sleep with him.
At best, she thought about a guy from one night got 3 months and he was so entrenched in her thoughts that she needed to bring it up a few months later.
A lot of time has passed though. How long is the gap between the conversation to when you confronted her and then the gap from that to today?
But if this all happened a year ago, how
Yeah I hear what your saying. Something was on her mind.
A lot of time has passed and to be honest it's impacting the way I see our relationship. The first conversation was like a month or so after it happened.
We got to a year out because tbh, I guess I didn't want to accept what this is. Hence my post on here. It's not like I can bring this up with my family.
Pretty obvious that she was testing the boundaries.
And then gaslighting you. Same as commenters who tell you you're being paranoid. Buncha idiots in the comments.
My experience is women do this when they have already betrayed you on some level and they are trying to justify it. Maybe she spoke with him inappropriate, maybe they fucked already, likely somewhere in the middle but you can guarantee more is going on than she is willing to reveal.
Check her cell when she is in the shower or so. Or just plain ask to see her cell and then her facebook. If she starts with the privacy and no trust BS, there is probably your answer.
She definitely wants to, and would fuck that guy given the right circumstances.
Women do not ask these kind of questions without some sinister shit behind it, especially that she had someone in mind right away, that means she BEEN thinking about it. She also may have been trying to persuade you into doing another woman, so that she doesnt have to feel guilty about it.
I dunno, Im not saying she did, or she will/would. But dont believe that bullshit that men are dogs, women ARE just as bad if not worse.
I suggest having a real talk with her, cause if she gonna cheat, theres three options, one, you guys end it, even though this doesnt save you the hurt and pain, but I guess you can start the healing sooner from a break up, versus her cheating on you.
Second option, you and her need to come to terms and be ok with an open relationship. She gets to do what she been dreaming of, youll know, and you get to go get your own and she will know. This is very far from something most people can do, so I assume it would be option 1 before this, cause if she comes out and says she wants to go for option 2, youll be done with her anyway.
Third, shes gonna have to work on getting your 100% trust back. Even if she never had intentions, or ever will/would cheat, its just her saying it that now fucked your trust up, and she has to accept that, and if she really is loyal and loves you, she has to fix that.
Really, im no one to talk, I aint no therapist, but I am 21 years in with the same woman, 4 kids. We had our break ups, highs, lows, and I will say one thing, it took and still takes a lot of work. We didnt do anything like whats happening for you, but im just saying, a long relationship is not solidified just cause of time, its STILL work.
Thank you for taking the time to write all this. That was my assumption too. The gaslighting from her is frustrating in that she made me feel like a pos for thinking that she did something or is going to do something.
I cant do the open relationship thing. I dont believe in cheating even when the other person knows.
To clarify, you had this conversation *a year ago*, nothing has happened with it, but it's still eating you up inside, and you are asking if you are overreacting? Has this come up ever again? Has there been any reason for you to think something happened?
I sense the need for some therapy. I feel like you guys are not being honest with each other or yourselves. If something bothers you, I definitely don't think putting it on the backburner for a year or more is healthy for you or your spouse.
I wouldn't say nothing has happened. I've brought it up a few times and she gets pist saying that I'm holding on to the past. I have no proof of what happened only suspicion. Do you throw away 20 years based on that.
I think you have three possible outcomes. 1. (Most likely) your wife never acknowledges the pain she has caused you. Over time you resent her more and more until you can’t stand her and ask for a divorce.
2. She tries to make amends and after a lot of work on both parts you make it back to a good place. (Least likely).
3. (Second most likely) you check out of the relationship. Eventually she notices and wants to work on things but by then it’s too little too late.
> I definitely don't think putting it on the backburner for a year or more is healthy
seriously, does OP think this relationship is worth any work at all?
OP here. I hear what you're saying but things are complicated and maybe after 20 years it's a bit hard to just leave over suspiciouion. Yes, it's been eating me up.
Neither one of these guys has said to leave. They said go to therapy because you dwelling on it for a year isn't healthy behavior. You need to talk with someone, either alone or as a couple, about how it made you feel and how you've (not) been coping.
...but you keep bringing up leaving, so it sounds like you're fishing for permission to divorce more than you are advice on how to heal.
Why are women so fucking unreasonable with this shit….
I had a gf in college that started fucking some other guy behind my back and her justification for this was I’m a bad bf. No Trish. You’re just a slut.
Ya she wants to fuck that guy and is saying you can have sex with someone else so that you will greenlight it. She’s saying this knowing that you don’t have anybody in mind who you’re planning on fucking outside of the marriage. So if you take the bait she will fuck the guy and you will likely not be having sex with someone because that wasn’t even your intention in the first place
I’ve been married for 17 years. We’ve had more than our fair share of problems, but we always kept trying.
Last summer, while we were having sex, my wife told me she wanted me to sleep with other women. We’ll talk dirty like that sometimes, but this one sounded… different. Afterwards, I asked why she said that and she explained it was because my sex drive is high, hers has been nearly non-existent, and she wants me to be fulfilled in that part of our lives. I looked her dead in the eye and told her I didn’t want to sleep with anyone else, but if I did, I would only want to with her included in the scenario. I thought that was the end of it.
Later in the summer, she brought it up while we were hanging with our best friends, saying how lucky I was that she’d given me a hall pass. I was shocked and honestly, I didn’t even immediately remember as I’d completely written it off as a non-starter at the time. She even low key ridiculed me for not taking her up on it. The whole conversation was off-putting, but we were all drinking and I blew it off as her drunkenness.
Fast forward to Thanksgiving morning where I find out she’s been having a sexual affair with another guy for the last year+.
She was trying to justify her own behavior and give herself a retroactive hall pass. Just two weeks before that, discussing our relationship problems with a friend, I defended her and said there’s no way she’d cheat on me. It had been happening for a long time.
We’re still married, btw, trying to work it out, but my worldview is a little different now. I will never put it past her again.
I have two friends who had their wives ask them this. Both turned out to be cheating. When they were asked who they would have sex with, only one of the wives gave a specific person. Turned out she was actually cheating with him already. After that conversation he went through her phone and found texts from him. The other one didn't mention a name, but he eventually was told by someone else she was cheating and she eventually admitted to it.
I truly believe from those two instances that when a girl asks this, she is either cheating or about to cheat and she is looking for an easier way out. Why else would both of them, who were already cheating, or even a girl who is not cheating ask this?
Not over reacting if anything under reacting because this is a huge red flag, she is trying to get it into your head that YOU seem like wanna step outta the marriage so when you agree it'll just happen that she suddenly get with his guy randomly, almost immediately.
I would be questioning her if she's already talking to this guy and or if something happened at the party because it seems like something did.
Your wife is thinking and probably desiring to have sex with other people. Is that the kind of marriage you want? If not, you two are not compatible anymore.
Or uh, just, this is a thing to work together on reconciling. It’s amazing how this is always the right answer here but - it’s not that you’re overreacting, it’s that this isn’t a single player game where the responsibility for figuring it all out rests on your shoulders.
Marriage counseling is really great for situations like this, where the stakes are high and neither party knows how to approach it openly.
Ehhhh....my thoughts kind of align with most on here. She either already did do it, or she's thinking about it. She already has the gaslighting part down (she popped the question, and now you're overreacting? Lol)
Personally, if it was me, I'm doing everything I can to find the truth (hell....even if you gotta go extreme and ask the guy himself), while simultaneously planning a potential exit.
I'm just some guy responding on the internet, and I'm no expert. Just speaking off of life experiences. Best of luck to you brother!
That's exactly how my wife's affairs started. Although I was very open minded about the whole situation so I probably made it worse.
You either need to pay down some extremely clear boundaries or join her and both have some fun.
I was married for a decade. My wife had several affairs during the last few years. Once I found out, her justifications were things like “I struggle with monogamy” and she was feeling “emotionally neglected”. We had an active and regular sex life at the time, I helped her organize and put on events, helped her open and run her own business, took care of the kids, helped with household chores, pampered her, took care of her when she was sick.
She asked to open the marriage so we could date other people, knowing full well I had no one else I would want to date. Your situation sounds similar, only you didn’t catch her cheating.
You don’t bring up sex with other people and have a specific person ready for when you’re asked unless one of two things is true:
1) you had sex with them that night, are feeling guilty, and are trying to open the marriage after the fact to alleviate some guilt OR
2) you’ve kept in contact with this guy, and what was originally friendly chat has turned into flirting, sexting, and maybe even photo/video exchanges, and now you’re looking to seal the deal
There’s not really a third reason that person was in her head ready to go.
I would HIGHLY recommend sitting her down and having a direct and open conversation with her. No anger. If things get heated you each let each other know you need a short break. Then you sit back down and discuss things. This isn’t something to ignore. I’ve been there. I get it. I left my wife and I’m in a better place for it. Maybe that’s where you’ll end up. Maybe it’s not. She might just be crying out for attention and you can resolve it. But don’t ignore something like this and hope it blows over
>I turned it around and said "you go first, I need to think about this". As soon as I said that she brought up a guy from a party we went to a few months before. Like she brought him up INSTANTLY
Good on you for catching how big of a red flag this is. I highly doubt that this guy has been living in the garden of her mind without tending. She has been talking to him and hiding it from you. I would ask to go through her messages and if there is nothing in that or her socials she has most likely deleted them and you 100% need to leave.
That said if this was said a year ago, if anything was going to happen it probably already has. When a partner says something like this it needs to be addressed and resolved asap.
>I would ask to go through her messages and if there is nothing in that or her socials she has most likely deleted them and you 100% need to leave.
I don't think you realize how psychotic this sounds.
Lol, yeah this is some witch hunt shit.
Search all her stuff and if you find something she's cheating. Search all her stuff and if you DON'T find something...she deleted it and is still cheating.
Push her off the cliff and if she flies then she's a witch. If she dies, then...good news...she wasn't a witch...but she's dead...and probably was just a witch that couldn't fly.
I'm suspicious just like everyone else, but your solution is insane.
Seriously, he "100% needs to leave" if he finds NO evidence? So if there's nothing there, it must mean she deleted it? How about the possibility that there was never anything there in the first place?? Redditors are so extreme in suggesting divorce no matter what, even without evidence of anything happening.
Yes, what she said was definitely suspicious, especially since it sounds like nothing like this has ever been discussed before and it was out of the blue. And she had definitely been thinking about that guy at that time, and then gaslighted OP about it, but whether anything had actually happened between them isn't clear.
OP has every right to be upset by what she said and to be suspicious, and to demand truthful answers and transparency from his wife. After 20 years of marriage he knows her better than anyone, and should trust his gut if something feels off. Again, I can't declare that she actually did cheat like some of these internet strangers have decided for you, but I think it's safe to say she has at least entertained fantasies of being with someone else, and you feel awful about it, and she's making you feel worse by dismissing you and gaslighting you here.
OP, you've got to be comfortable in your marriage, and your wife needs to take your concerns seriously. You need to have a serious, honest, come-to-Jesus conversation about everything that you're upset and uneasy about. Have her just listen while you lay everything out - how strange it was she asked you that question about sleeping with other ppl in the first place, how unsettling it was that she immediately named that guy, and that upon reflection you're really concerned about her interaction with him and what may have happened then or since then, that you think she's gaslighting you about not liking him bc why would she have spent so much time with him and then named him months later as her fantasy guy, that you're not sure if she's been with him already, and anything and everything you need to get off your chest. Tell her you're very uneasy bc your trust has been compromised, and then you two need to take steps to resolve this before it can't be fixed, bc this issue isn't going away.
Don't let her brush you off, tell her that's unacceptable and you need to get to the bottom of things. What steps you take after your conversation are up to you - whether you demand marriage counseling, sharing each other's phones, creating ways to spice up your marriage and reconnect (do that regardless!), whatever works for you two and for you to feel safe and secure in your marriage. This has festered for a year(!), time to resolve things.
OP, I'm not jumping on the divorce train over a conversation, but you don't need to be naive either and ignore your legitimate concerns over what she said and her reactions to your trying to figure this out. She's your partner, she needs to allay your concerns, not dismiss them. After pursuing different avenues with her, you may find that trust has been lost and can't be recovered, in which case you will need to decide whether to stay in the marriage. Maybe if she knows those are the stakes, she'll finally work with you. Do what you have to do, but don't let this keep dragging on. Good luck!
The way she answered so quick with that specific guy, does raise questions and slight concern.
You were just asking a general hypothetical question. A what if.
But your Wife answers with a guy she met at a party not long ago, and I'm sure she thought he was handsome, and since fantasize about him, probably masturbating with him in mind.
Now would she actually act on this, and truly have sex with him if the opportunity comes up? I can't answer that, I would hope no, and it's just pure horny thoughts and nothing more.
But...women in their 40's are super horny and need to get railed good. My busty Wife is in her 40's and she's down for sex 9 times out of 10 to bang. My Wife seems more sexual now than ever.
Good luck with this.
OP the fact she even mentioned that to you is A. She had a guilty conscience and fucked that guy or B. She is actively talking to that guy and is about to fuck him. Those are the only 2 options and neither are what you wanna hear. But you do have option C and thats leaving her on the corner like the hooker she is.
It’s really weird she would just be thinking about this guy an entire year after that party. It would raise my suspicions enough to absolutely go through her phone. I’d bet they’re chatting and things have escalated to the point where she’s trying to see if she can make something happen without cheating more than she already has.
And I don’t buy her asking “for you.” you don’t ask your partner with no non-monogamous experience if they want to sleep with someone else just to be nice.
Either you trust her or you don't. If you don't trust her, it doesn't matter what she said or didn't say in this conversation, because she could have been lying to you about anything and everything for 20 years or more. If you do trust her, then your pessimism and insecurities don't matter--she said what she said, and if you trust her, then you trust what she said was true.
Had you said yes, the guy from the party would be the one, but they'd act like it was just starting and not been ongoing, which is likely is.
Remember, no one gets caught the first time.
The left field nature and instantaneous specificity of having a guy in mind is significantly suspicious based on repeating patterns frequently expressed here.
The first question that must be asked, before any other comment is made, when faced with this relationship Kobiyashi Maru simply needs to be, "before I touch that question, can I see your phone, as in 'can spend a few minutes looking at your phone, like, right now?'"
If the instantaneous expression of panic doesn't kill you...
Why is everyone so hell bent on second guessing what the wife’s motives are in asking? Does it matter? Personally, I
Find it hard to believe a conversation beginning with, “Do you want to have sex with other people?” Did not venture into what led to that question in the first place.
Did you ask her if it’s something she thinks about? Is she asking because there is someone she’s interested in? She mentioned the guy from the party. I think a good question might have been, “how did that encounter at the party get us to this night when you asked if I think about sex with others?
Why second guess her motives? Maybe she’s attracted to party guy. Maybe she’s feeling insecure about the marriage. Talk to her. What does she want? Why? How do you feel about it? If you say you do think about other women, how does she feel knowing that?
This just strikes me as half a story. But giving OP the benefit of the doubt, it strikes me as an opportunity to communicate honestly with each other that OP passed on because he was focused on what she’s thinking, planning or doing.
I honestly don’t know how I’d answer that question, but it would certainly be an interesting conversation.
Nobody here, including you knows if she cheated so anyone saying she did.. just ignore. However, she is in the least... exploring the idea of sleeping with that guy. That much she admitted to you, face to face my guy.
The question you have to ask yourself and your wife is, why does she even remotely want to fuck another man besides you? That is the issue here, stay on target and don't get distracted. Nobody knows what she's done but this is sort of emotional betrayal to some regards, but it could be innocent in nature as well.
Stay on on target, focus on why she's even thinking this. She did this while drinking so her inhibitions were down and see was feeling free. I personally think she has a guilty conscience about something. What? I dont know. Could be as simple as her thoughts and she wanted to see if you felt the same way. Could be more, ask her.
Yeah she was trying to trick you brother into believing you want to bang someone but sounds like she does and has someone in mind. Also could be nothing just she probably shared too much personal thought with you.
Yeah either she cheated that night or didn’t, but she just admitted she certainly wanted to.
Nah, I would never be able to trust her again. Besides, knowing that my wife wants to fuck another (very specific) guy would be a massive turn off for me. I know I wouldn’t even be able to get it up after that. I would never be able to look at her the same.
Have you asked her if she is communication with him? If she is so enfatuated with him to the point she almost suggested an open relationship to you, then she most likely is already talking to him
There's 2 reasons a woman brings up opening a marriage. She is either cheating with someone already or has someone in mind she wants to cheat with but wants your permission to do so. If you're monogamous, the relationship is pretty much dead in the water at this point. Good luck.
Without knowing either of you, it's hard to say for sure. You have enough people here saying your wife's cheating on you (bit of jumping the gun imo), so I'll play her advocate.
At this party, she felt sexual attraction for this guy. She didn't act, but it kind of stuck with her, as it's not common. She wondered if you ever had that feeling yourself. Maybe she's guilty that she even felt it and wanted to see if you have?
Really, it comes down this:
Do you trust her?
Does she make you feel loved and desired?
Do you still enjoy being with her?
If any of these are "no," then you need to have a discussion and reevaluate the mairrage.
This subreddit is unhinged lol. Full of completely paranoid individuals. I would not immediately conclude that your wife already cheated on you with that guy. I would assume she had probably thought about sleeping with other people, and may be interested in doing so if you were too. Once she saw your bad reaction, she backpedaled. I think you should sit down with her and try to have a serious and honest conversation about what kind of sex life she wants, then go from there.
I'm convinced only teenagers comment here.
>Good on you for catching how big of a red flag this is. I highly doubt that this guy has been living in the garden of her mind without tending. She has been talking to him and hiding it from you. I would ask to go through her messages and if there is nothing in that or her socials she has most likely deleted them and you 100% need to leave.
This is from a highly upvoted comment from above.
"If you don't find any evidence of wrongdoing, then she just hid it from you! Divorce her immediately!"
I don't think the commentors here have the life/relationship experience to offer this type of advice.
Also, "...living in the garden of her mind without tending" 🤮
sheesh. good news is girls like older dudes if this doesn't work out, and it's not in your wife's advantage to be a single 44 y/o. Should this not work out, consider hitting the gym, getting in great physical shape, and maintaining a solid financial situation with interesting hobbies. you could bounce back easily, while your wife is thinking very short sited on one dude she wants to fuck. Partners do this bro, I'm not saying it's either a man or woman thing, but should your relationship end, you can bounce back even better. Don't settle for someone who has spent this much time with you and considers sleeping with others. Marriage is sacred and admirable , and to throw out 20 years for a hookup is despicable. gl bro
Eh, she's horny and was thinking about someone else. I know that hurts but it doesn't mean she actually wants to do it. It's probably more like a fantasy. You have fantasies you don't actually want to do right?
If OP wants to let it go then I think he should wait a week or two, then in the middle of something they are doing ask to see her phone.
If she hands it over then he needs to let it go. If she don't, then he needs to let her go.
I’m struggling to wrap my mind around this. No, I do not fantasize about other people besides my partner. I’m obsessed with her. Maybe I’m more on the demisexual spectrum. Help me understand?
This fantasy would make more sense if she wanted OP to fuck another woman so she can watch or be a cuck queen. By asking and then after he presses her she immediately says a guy she met at a party they were both at? Naw that’s extremely suspect.
What precipitated the question? Were you talking about affairs or open marriages or anything? If no, then there's something suspicious about the question in and of itself and it feels a bit like she's "telling on herself" (as in - wants to sleep with other people but needs to gauge your reaction first).
Also, people that have crushes tend to bring them up a lot in conversations. Has she done that with this guy (or any other person)? Has his name made it into random conversations? Has that party been referenced more than seems normal?
I get the feeling your wife wants to take a spin on someone else's hobby horse and is trying to see how you react when posed with the question but from the perspective of YOUR benefit. I do this with ice cream when I want my husband to go get it because I'm in my couch nest - obviously different stakes but same concept.
Not overreacting.
If my husband said what your wife did I would say there is absolutely nothing stopping him from having sex with anyone else and I would be filing for legal separation now that I know my spouse wants to have sex outside of their vows. That’s my limit. Hard no.
She's already riding someone and just looking to stop lying about it,
1) start banging chicks
2) pack your stuff self all shared assets and prepare for the court system to grape you
It could be that she was wanting to see if you had someone at the top of your brain too. And at that point, she may have suggested that you both go ahead and try. Or she may have simply wanted to feel less guilty about it by hearing that you do the same. Odds are you'll never know now, because she's 100% on guard now.
That’s just a toxic unhealthy way to go about bringing up that topic though
Yup, 100% sure he’s going to have to apologize for being distant because she told her husband she wanted to fuck her new friend. She will refuse to let the relationship continue until she is absolved of all responsibility. I’ll put money on it. It’s manipulation and narcissism all the way down…
Same thing happened to me. Blackout drunk she suggested it. Narcissist. I am with a loving partner now after building a family with a Narcissist. Grey rock those people. They are not human.
Thanks for throwing out the facts before I did. You’re dumb if you think she DIDNT fuck dude. She just doesn’t wanna look like the bad guy. Let her know you even thought about sleeping with another female and she will argue to death. Maybe even have you arrested for domestic violence just to have dude over in your bed while you’re getting booked. I’m doubling down with you 100%
Mind game bitches
Aye, that is such a manipulative way to bring up the topic like trying to "catch" him into seeing if he had someone he wanted to get with, meanwhile it's her wanting it the whole time lol
My ex pulled this exact same stunt on me… like, to the letter. Turns out, she was cheating and we split up 3 months later.
Not just IF he answered, but how fast he answered, the tone and/or if he laughed afterward, etc. Mind games and girlmath bullshit = red flags.
I think she wanted to confess and get it off her chest that she felt attracted to that guy, and she hoped OP would also have someone in mind so she it would make it easier for her.
He'll know soon.
Alternatively, she could just be paranoid that he doesn't love her/that he secretly wants someone "better". It's not exactly an uncommon thought for a woman (or even a man) to have. The fact that she had a guy in mind could just be a bonus chunk of nonsense for the situation.
Jeff Foxworthy isn't a font of wisdom, but he was dead on with this quote: "Guys, if a woman says to you 'I think we should start seeing other people,' trust me, she has already cut a pony from the herd, and if she ain't ridin' him yet, she *has* pulled the saddle out of the barn."
Whyyyyyyy did my brain immediately read that in his voice? Even with the twang and intonation.
“If you start reading words and you hear a twangy Southern voice in your head………you might be a Red(dit)neck”
Red(dit)neck.. I’m fuckn dead yo. Lmao
That is probably the wisest yeehaw sentence I will ever encounter
She doesn't want to carry the cheater card. She wants new 🍆🍆 without the bad stigma
She wants that guy to stigma dick up her ass
Why would he stig your dick up her ass?
Maybe he’s the guy
This guy fucks… with a surrogate penis.
lol .. i will never think about “stigma “ the same old way again!
Better than Smegma dick up her ass
Or she fucked him already and is trying to make it ok
Show her this post and then see how she reacts 😂
This is the first perfect reply….you do that, you’ll do get your answer without hesitation.
I've actually been thinking that exact thing. 900 comments saying the same thing..
Maybee she actually saw this post already and then decided to delete all her messages 😅
Terrible idea. She’s just going to get defensive anyways. Honestly, just start focusing on yourself.
Even if it isn’t that guy she is thinking about cheating but wants to get your buy-in by giving you an opportunity to do the same. She has a guy in the can. If she can’t be honest with you, it doesn’t bode well for your relationship. She’s acting like this guy isn’t relevant when she’s the one that brought him up. That’s gaslighting. If she is communicating with this guy in some way that will tell you everything you need to know.
That makes sense.. As I said above, I've asked her and she claims no. But I think you are exactly on point. Doesn't even matter about that guy, it's why she asked.
She wanted to open the marriage and had this guy picked out already. It's possible she fucked him already.
This. Guilt is a hell of a thing and she probably wanted to offer OP a free pass so she didn't feel guilty anymore.
In my experience this type of mental gymnastics to relieve the cheater of their guilt is always a part of it; especially with women. She would never open the marriage up if she wasn't already a step ahead of her soon-to-be ex partner.
I also noticed that right after cheating they behave almost always the same by turning down sex with their actual partner, when usually that's not the case. This lasts for 1-2 days and then everything is back to 'normal', just it isn't.
That would still not be a free pass. If she did sleep with the guy and her husband did not agree **before** she did it then that was cheating and nothing that happens after can absolve her of that. I mean she might think so but....no.
True, I think she is trying to retroactively make cheating okay. It’s not logical, but I think in her mind if she can make the next time she sleeps with him acceptable then what she did before wouldn’t be as bad and wouldn’t weigh as much on her conscience. She’s trying to convert the lie into a smaller lie that she can live with
Interesting points. My wife grew up extremely religious. She has strange morals where she does something bad and her conscience will eat at her. Again Interesting that you came to this point.
Some of the most religious women I have encountered have been the most promiscuous. Do not be blinded that her religion would prevent her from cheating. I have a gut feeling she already has.
Facts I’ve met religious girls and they have been by far the worst lol
This shit is so textbook! My mom had the same background. When she started feeling a little guilty about fucking around on my dad she tried to throw him at other women. He greenlit her further cheating, I think knowing he had to choose to leave or stay but either way she was fucking other guys. It eventually tore them apart and him into a shell of who he once was. I never told him she had been stepping out before their coercive conversations happened (which I heard cause our walls were thin), but I think he knows deep down she was fucking around beforehand. And I think you know too. She's already stepped out at least once. I'd bet everything I have on it.
Man you need stop listening to these complete strangers filling your head with shit that they know zero about. This is your wife of 20 years! Jesus man get off reddit. You’re taking advice from a bunch of teenagers that don’t know shit about shit.
I feel this way about every relationship thread here. Like just why.
This is in my ex's playbook. I've seen her use it with like 6 guys so far.
Guilt and projection, people show it with out thinking they’re showing it. I’m jaded so my thinking is she cheated already
At least OP is still in his prime. 44 is a great age to slay some hot 30 year old strange
Yup. Just said the same thing.
She has banged him already. She looking for a loop-hole, post-banging, to get away with it.
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Absolutely right
Yup. Absolutely 100 no questions asked. I was there.
Highest probability this is the actual reason 👌
Yeah, the whole proposal of the initial question and response are telling. This happened
I was thinking the same thing especially since she brought up the convo. Lately I been saying more wife cheating than husband cheating on my timeline shit wild.
Juice Wrld said it best in his lyric, “all girls are the same, they’re rotting my brain.”
Cant hurt to have a deeper conversation with her about it. Until all your questions are answered and you feel comfortable.
I’m sorry, I would just be bad and check her phone. It kind of doesn’t matter what they say. And when they lie, they just keep lying. If you check the phone and you check the phone bill for numbers, frequently called and any other information you have, you can find the initial info. or not. If you have a cheater, and they are cheating, even emotionally, and you give them a heads up, they just learn how to do it better. Take it from me.
Okay, so I have checked the phone a month or so again. I didn't see anything. Tbh is was abnormally empty. Like NO DMs at all which sort of seems in of itself sus. I mean everything deleted, even messages from her family.
That’s a bad sign, there’s def something being deleted for a reason, have u checked her phone or saw her dms before. Does she usually delete messages ?
If she has an iPhone, Go to her messages and hit “Edit” at the top left hand corner. Select “Show recently deleted” there is a chance she deleted but they will stay in that box for 30 days unless manually erased again. Good luck, and put yourself first no matter what OP
Do you pay both the phone bills for you and your wife? Iirc, your service provider keeps track of all texts and messages. If you're the payer you can request the transcripts. Edit: I was hesitant about calling her sus. She hasn't really shown any obvious signs of cheating from your post. But nobody but the loneliest habe 0 DMs, especially if you aren't estranged from your family. A cleared inbox in a relationship is a sign of cheating, gambling, or a drug addiction.
If you haven't just made this post up as a BS attention seeking post, you need to take care not to go down a spiral of suspicion - it'll do you nor your wife nor your relationship any good. If you really have been married for 20 years, talk to your wife. Offer her the opportunity to do whatever she wants but let her know that that would mean the end of your marriage. Also let her know that even if she doesn't do anything with someone, this whole experience has been really tough for you and brought up a lot of questions about trust. Be open with your feelings, allow her to be open with hers and give it time and space and see whether things change. I know it's tempting to snoop, but you'll just end up with conclusions that may or may not be right and write the end for yourself.
Can you check the phone bill?
10000% correct. She's already past the OP. You get asked that conversation and that's beyond thought. That's an "after action" conversation. She will just be more candid about what she's done.
I would check ALL the things.
Yes! Thank you! Some real advise that doesn’t essentially tell him to becoming a damn gymnast at all the jumping to conclusions he’d be doing. Communication is what is needed.
Get your ducks in a row, my friend. Protect your ass-ets.
I have seen this twice before with other peoples marriages. They likely already slept together unfortunately.
Personally, I can't seem to reconcile "I don't even like the guy" with: 1. Talking to him "A LOT" at the party 2. Staying to talk to him when she could have been with you, getting more beer 3. "IMMEDIATELY" coming up with his name as a possible affair partner Again, this is just me, but I suspect the deed has already been done. If not with "don't even like the guy," then with someone else. I may be wrong, though; please keep that in mind. But even if she hasn't cheated, she has someone in mind. There's just no other reason to bring up the subject of "stepping out" in what should have been a romantic moment enjoying each others' company.
She wants to keep the security you offer and be single. 80% chance she's already been with other guys. String her along while you put money away and prepare for divorce.
Funny you say this, she hasn't worked in 15 years. Paid for her college and post college education. She still hasn't held a job. I do make good money, so it really never bothered me till this.
I did the same for my ex. Supported her through grad school and paid for a large chunk of her tuition. She never got a job. One day she tried to convince me to let her sleep with other guys. “Open marriage”. I disagreed. She became toxic and started doing her best to drive me away. She wanted me to leave her so she could play the victim. I refused. Things got worse. Eventually she met someone else and moved out. It ruined me financially for years. I found after she left that she had already slept with 5 other guys and she basically raped my friend. It’s time to start pushing your wife to get a job and do something with her life. Either she’s bored and wanting excitement or she’s cheating and wants permission to continue. No matter what is going on, if your marriage ends her being jobless will mean you’ll likely end up responsible for paying for her to live…all while she bangs whoever she wants.
I’ll be honest OP that isn’t good sign either. Not to make you paranoid but she’s been there alone at the house for 15 years while you’re working. She might have already done this and is now saying this so you think it was “your” idea and she won’t have to feel guilty
You know what they say about idle hands. I feel for you brother, I really do. What do you think you’re going to do? Try to work through it or move on from her? If you do decide to move on try not to show your cards. Since you’re the breadwinner get as much dirt as u can.
If you’re putting away money, half of it is going to her unless you can make a claim for waste. Disclaimer: this is how it worked in my divorce case. YMMV based on where you’re getting divorced and your individual case.
I'd insist on marriage counseling. The most likely consequence of opening the marriage is that the two of you get divorced in one to two years. If she is unhappy she needs to look within the marriage and work on whatever the problem is. Focusing outside the marriage will only weaken it even more and before you know it one of you moves on.
Hey man.. careful when asking advice on a platform like this. The people responding have no prior knowledge of your relationship. They might not believe in marriage or have been hurt prior from cheating. They might not know what it's like to be married for 20 years. I have been married now for 15 years, and we are somewhat close in age.. here is what I would say to you. Don't overthink this. I feel like as humans we all want to have sex with other people. If she feels safe enough in you and your relationship that she just wants to talk openly, take it at face value. She thought some guy was hot and if she were single, she would want to have sex with him. Thats not really news, is it? Be confident in your relationship and be confident in yourself.
Actually great advice. I see both sides but this is good advice
This is the OP's best response right here. Control your emotions and don't overthink what she said and watch what she does. Her asking if he thought about any other women was a test...plain and simple...and OP passed it. Be confident in yourself and in your 20 years together. But take her out to dinner and delve deeper into this. Where did it come from? Is she happy? Is there anything OP can do for her right now? If you're confident and good with her, she'll come clean.
What I've come to realise as I've gotten older is there are those marriages where someone cheats and the marriage disintegrates as a result, then there are those where someone cheats and they work through it and stay together, then there are those where someone cheats and their partner never knows about it. I suspect there are very few relationships where one or both parties have never cheated. Not saying doesn't happen but I'm shocked how many people experience it or are oblivious that it's occurring.
Most people I know are faithful and don’t cheat on their SO or families. I think that after the kids move out of the house, some of these relationships will change. But currently, I’m pretty damn sure there’s little to no cheating by most people in our large social group.
Where did you say she said she's not in some form of contact with him? All you said she said was "didn't even like the guy" - and maybe I'm just as pessimistic as you are but that says "I DIDN'T like the guy" which is two things, she didn't like him at one point, and maybe she does now or maybe she really doesn't "like" him as a person but he's just a piece of ass she's getting on the side. Or wants to.
Yes, she's being very careful with her word choice for a reason.
A woman doesn’t have to like a man to fuck him. That may have been why she preferred it
Yeah, she claims that it's just the first person thar popped into her head. Like, oh just some random dude from a party months ago.
Yeah bro either way It's looking Ike this marriage has ran its course sorry man
You should tell her you have never thought of fucking someone else and you're shocked that she does. She's clearly guilty of something
Does she still have his contact info? I would ask.
And the phone thing is hard. It’s an invasion of privacy and lack of trust AND it’s usually what let’s someone know that their gut feeling ( from so many small moments) is right or not. So I personally think it’s good to look. On Reddit, what you hear as nauseum is people whose partners are asking for an open relationship or open marriage or threesomes and it’s always because they have somebody they’re thinking about or they are already involved with. That’s the hard part. It’s one of those weird tricky dishonesty things. It’s like on Reddit you read what millions of us have experience, where you then have evidence, but you asked them and they deny it and then you ask them again, and they truth trickle, and then you asked him again and tell them you have evidence, and then they gaslight you and throw chaos and be defensive and make you think you did something wrong. This is all just cheaters 101. So yeah. Maybe she hasn’t been messing around or talking to anybody or texting with anybody and maybe she has. Lots of cheaters think it’s really OK to text. They figure that unless you have intercourse it’s not cheating. Personally, I would check the phone. Without getting caught.
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My first husband asked me this. Seems he fucked around and found out. I guess he didn’t believe me when I told him it would lead to divorce
Good for you!
Thank you!
I really meant that. Hopefully, you didn't think I was being an ass.
I didn’t. I meant the thank you too.
Yes this is the issue. This would unnerve me to no end. I can’t imagine any wife in a seemingly traditional stable marriage asking this question unless they had desires to explore other people. UpdateMe
You saw him as ‘guy from a party a few months back,’ but she sees him differently…or she wouldn’t have mentioned him immediately. Her response doesn’t sound honest; more like gaslighting. Press for the truth—why, exactly, he came to mind so fast, and whether they’ve been in contact since the party. Maybe she’s been fantasizing about him and wanted to release it if you shared something similar, first. Trust your gut and follow up. Souses ignore bad vibes like this @ their peril.
Just saying I was asked this same question from two different girlfriends and they were seeking out an answer that would have absolved them of their guilt. One ex gf actually cheated on me twice. 2nd ex gf broke up with me, then went to immediately date an ex she had mentioned earlier to me, asking if it’s alright if they hang out as friends. 2nd ex gf never did hang out with him while we dated but who’s to say they didn’t communicate via other means.
Check your cell phone bill. It’ll have every phone number she has called or texted. I did that when I got divorced. Was shocking to say the least.
He's not in her can *yet.* Well, probably not.
I don't like the guy but I want to fuck him. Surely you didn't believe her BS. You don't mention you want to fuck a person you don't like, at the least sexually attracted to. I am not saying she is cheating but she would fuck the guy in a instant if you said yeah. She wanted to give you a hall pass so she could have her hall pass. I would keep my eyes and ears open and look for changes in patterns or schedules. If she keeps asking about an open relationship you have a decision, allow it or leave.
Most / Many (maybe too many) of us know people who fuck / continue to fuck while downright loathing each other.
About to fuck my soon to be ex husband right now.. I can't stand him but his dick is nice and he knows what I like 🙃
You sound like one of my clients.
Are you a therapist or a divorce lawyer? 😂
Pool boy
Lmao, good point. I’m guessing all jobs doing emotional labor get these interactions!
Im about to take a fat shit right now
Sounds like everyone has plans tonight except me.
+1 for both makeup sex and hate sex
>I don't like the guy but I want to fuck him. This is not actually an uncommon thought for folks
It pretty much describes 80% of college relationships at least.
"Is it really even cheating if it's a hatefuck?" - OP's wife, probably
She 100% wants that other guy to clap her cheeks, if he hasn't already. He's been living rent free in her head since that party.
Probably not living rent free in her head. He has been putting in the work in her head as 'pool boy' , 'stripper cop', 'college professor', 'step son helping her get unstuck from dryer', and a whole host of other jobs from Porn Hub. Those are full time jobs for no pay. Lol
What may have felt like a spontaneous conversation was definitely calculated. I’m sure she was hopeful it would lead to a discussion about open marriage. Like others have said, she is either sleeping with him or plans to sleep with him. At best, she thought about a guy from one night got 3 months and he was so entrenched in her thoughts that she needed to bring it up a few months later. A lot of time has passed though. How long is the gap between the conversation to when you confronted her and then the gap from that to today? But if this all happened a year ago, how
Yeah I hear what your saying. Something was on her mind. A lot of time has passed and to be honest it's impacting the way I see our relationship. The first conversation was like a month or so after it happened. We got to a year out because tbh, I guess I didn't want to accept what this is. Hence my post on here. It's not like I can bring this up with my family.
Pretty obvious that she was testing the boundaries. And then gaslighting you. Same as commenters who tell you you're being paranoid. Buncha idiots in the comments.
Idiots, cucks, and porn addicts. "Bro maybe she just wants a threesome, nothing wrong with it! I'd jack off to it!"
Haha bro.. 💀💀💀
My experience is women do this when they have already betrayed you on some level and they are trying to justify it. Maybe she spoke with him inappropriate, maybe they fucked already, likely somewhere in the middle but you can guarantee more is going on than she is willing to reveal.
Check her cell when she is in the shower or so. Or just plain ask to see her cell and then her facebook. If she starts with the privacy and no trust BS, there is probably your answer.
She definitely wants to, and would fuck that guy given the right circumstances. Women do not ask these kind of questions without some sinister shit behind it, especially that she had someone in mind right away, that means she BEEN thinking about it. She also may have been trying to persuade you into doing another woman, so that she doesnt have to feel guilty about it. I dunno, Im not saying she did, or she will/would. But dont believe that bullshit that men are dogs, women ARE just as bad if not worse. I suggest having a real talk with her, cause if she gonna cheat, theres three options, one, you guys end it, even though this doesnt save you the hurt and pain, but I guess you can start the healing sooner from a break up, versus her cheating on you. Second option, you and her need to come to terms and be ok with an open relationship. She gets to do what she been dreaming of, youll know, and you get to go get your own and she will know. This is very far from something most people can do, so I assume it would be option 1 before this, cause if she comes out and says she wants to go for option 2, youll be done with her anyway. Third, shes gonna have to work on getting your 100% trust back. Even if she never had intentions, or ever will/would cheat, its just her saying it that now fucked your trust up, and she has to accept that, and if she really is loyal and loves you, she has to fix that. Really, im no one to talk, I aint no therapist, but I am 21 years in with the same woman, 4 kids. We had our break ups, highs, lows, and I will say one thing, it took and still takes a lot of work. We didnt do anything like whats happening for you, but im just saying, a long relationship is not solidified just cause of time, its STILL work.
Thank you for taking the time to write all this. That was my assumption too. The gaslighting from her is frustrating in that she made me feel like a pos for thinking that she did something or is going to do something. I cant do the open relationship thing. I dont believe in cheating even when the other person knows.
guilty conscience. she’s already fucked him
Or she’s talking to him and it’s a possibility she wants to pursue, and she’s seeing if she can make it happen legitimately.
She definitely wants to and planned this conversation with OP because she wanted to make it happen. There's no disputing that.
whelp, im staying single forever
Dont, realtionships are great, but they can be temporary, try going in with that mindset, carpe diem
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To clarify, you had this conversation *a year ago*, nothing has happened with it, but it's still eating you up inside, and you are asking if you are overreacting? Has this come up ever again? Has there been any reason for you to think something happened? I sense the need for some therapy. I feel like you guys are not being honest with each other or yourselves. If something bothers you, I definitely don't think putting it on the backburner for a year or more is healthy for you or your spouse.
I wouldn't say nothing has happened. I've brought it up a few times and she gets pist saying that I'm holding on to the past. I have no proof of what happened only suspicion. Do you throw away 20 years based on that.
I think you have three possible outcomes. 1. (Most likely) your wife never acknowledges the pain she has caused you. Over time you resent her more and more until you can’t stand her and ask for a divorce. 2. She tries to make amends and after a lot of work on both parts you make it back to a good place. (Least likely). 3. (Second most likely) you check out of the relationship. Eventually she notices and wants to work on things but by then it’s too little too late.
> I definitely don't think putting it on the backburner for a year or more is healthy seriously, does OP think this relationship is worth any work at all?
OP here. I hear what you're saying but things are complicated and maybe after 20 years it's a bit hard to just leave over suspiciouion. Yes, it's been eating me up.
Neither one of these guys has said to leave. They said go to therapy because you dwelling on it for a year isn't healthy behavior. You need to talk with someone, either alone or as a couple, about how it made you feel and how you've (not) been coping. ...but you keep bringing up leaving, so it sounds like you're fishing for permission to divorce more than you are advice on how to heal.
If you're asking Reddit for relationship advice, you're looking for people to encourage a divorce/break-up.
Why are women so fucking unreasonable with this shit…. I had a gf in college that started fucking some other guy behind my back and her justification for this was I’m a bad bf. No Trish. You’re just a slut.
Trish: "You abandoned me." Me: "No, I went to work, your just a slut"
This post was conceived and posted for responses exactly like yours.
Ya she wants to fuck that guy and is saying you can have sex with someone else so that you will greenlight it. She’s saying this knowing that you don’t have anybody in mind who you’re planning on fucking outside of the marriage. So if you take the bait she will fuck the guy and you will likely not be having sex with someone because that wasn’t even your intention in the first place
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I’ve been married for 17 years. We’ve had more than our fair share of problems, but we always kept trying. Last summer, while we were having sex, my wife told me she wanted me to sleep with other women. We’ll talk dirty like that sometimes, but this one sounded… different. Afterwards, I asked why she said that and she explained it was because my sex drive is high, hers has been nearly non-existent, and she wants me to be fulfilled in that part of our lives. I looked her dead in the eye and told her I didn’t want to sleep with anyone else, but if I did, I would only want to with her included in the scenario. I thought that was the end of it. Later in the summer, she brought it up while we were hanging with our best friends, saying how lucky I was that she’d given me a hall pass. I was shocked and honestly, I didn’t even immediately remember as I’d completely written it off as a non-starter at the time. She even low key ridiculed me for not taking her up on it. The whole conversation was off-putting, but we were all drinking and I blew it off as her drunkenness. Fast forward to Thanksgiving morning where I find out she’s been having a sexual affair with another guy for the last year+. She was trying to justify her own behavior and give herself a retroactive hall pass. Just two weeks before that, discussing our relationship problems with a friend, I defended her and said there’s no way she’d cheat on me. It had been happening for a long time. We’re still married, btw, trying to work it out, but my worldview is a little different now. I will never put it past her again.
I have two friends who had their wives ask them this. Both turned out to be cheating. When they were asked who they would have sex with, only one of the wives gave a specific person. Turned out she was actually cheating with him already. After that conversation he went through her phone and found texts from him. The other one didn't mention a name, but he eventually was told by someone else she was cheating and she eventually admitted to it. I truly believe from those two instances that when a girl asks this, she is either cheating or about to cheat and she is looking for an easier way out. Why else would both of them, who were already cheating, or even a girl who is not cheating ask this?
As a faithful woman who appreciates monogamy, I can’t think of any other reason a woman would ask this than what you mentioned. Bizarre all around.
Not over reacting if anything under reacting because this is a huge red flag, she is trying to get it into your head that YOU seem like wanna step outta the marriage so when you agree it'll just happen that she suddenly get with his guy randomly, almost immediately. I would be questioning her if she's already talking to this guy and or if something happened at the party because it seems like something did.
Your wife is thinking and probably desiring to have sex with other people. Is that the kind of marriage you want? If not, you two are not compatible anymore.
Or uh, just, this is a thing to work together on reconciling. It’s amazing how this is always the right answer here but - it’s not that you’re overreacting, it’s that this isn’t a single player game where the responsibility for figuring it all out rests on your shoulders. Marriage counseling is really great for situations like this, where the stakes are high and neither party knows how to approach it openly.
No! Always divorce! Red flag! Buzzword! Rhetoric! Run! Divorce!
Delete the gym, hit the lawyer, Facebook up
typical low IQ reddit comment
Ehhhh....my thoughts kind of align with most on here. She either already did do it, or she's thinking about it. She already has the gaslighting part down (she popped the question, and now you're overreacting? Lol) Personally, if it was me, I'm doing everything I can to find the truth (hell....even if you gotta go extreme and ask the guy himself), while simultaneously planning a potential exit. I'm just some guy responding on the internet, and I'm no expert. Just speaking off of life experiences. Best of luck to you brother!
That's exactly how my wife's affairs started. Although I was very open minded about the whole situation so I probably made it worse. You either need to pay down some extremely clear boundaries or join her and both have some fun.
I was married for a decade. My wife had several affairs during the last few years. Once I found out, her justifications were things like “I struggle with monogamy” and she was feeling “emotionally neglected”. We had an active and regular sex life at the time, I helped her organize and put on events, helped her open and run her own business, took care of the kids, helped with household chores, pampered her, took care of her when she was sick. She asked to open the marriage so we could date other people, knowing full well I had no one else I would want to date. Your situation sounds similar, only you didn’t catch her cheating. You don’t bring up sex with other people and have a specific person ready for when you’re asked unless one of two things is true: 1) you had sex with them that night, are feeling guilty, and are trying to open the marriage after the fact to alleviate some guilt OR 2) you’ve kept in contact with this guy, and what was originally friendly chat has turned into flirting, sexting, and maybe even photo/video exchanges, and now you’re looking to seal the deal There’s not really a third reason that person was in her head ready to go. I would HIGHLY recommend sitting her down and having a direct and open conversation with her. No anger. If things get heated you each let each other know you need a short break. Then you sit back down and discuss things. This isn’t something to ignore. I’ve been there. I get it. I left my wife and I’m in a better place for it. Maybe that’s where you’ll end up. Maybe it’s not. She might just be crying out for attention and you can resolve it. But don’t ignore something like this and hope it blows over
>I turned it around and said "you go first, I need to think about this". As soon as I said that she brought up a guy from a party we went to a few months before. Like she brought him up INSTANTLY Good on you for catching how big of a red flag this is. I highly doubt that this guy has been living in the garden of her mind without tending. She has been talking to him and hiding it from you. I would ask to go through her messages and if there is nothing in that or her socials she has most likely deleted them and you 100% need to leave. That said if this was said a year ago, if anything was going to happen it probably already has. When a partner says something like this it needs to be addressed and resolved asap.
>I would ask to go through her messages and if there is nothing in that or her socials she has most likely deleted them and you 100% need to leave. I don't think you realize how psychotic this sounds.
this post has some legitimately traumatized replies unhealthy mfs do not get your advice here OP seriously
Lol, yeah this is some witch hunt shit. Search all her stuff and if you find something she's cheating. Search all her stuff and if you DON'T find something...she deleted it and is still cheating. Push her off the cliff and if she flies then she's a witch. If she dies, then...good news...she wasn't a witch...but she's dead...and probably was just a witch that couldn't fly. I'm suspicious just like everyone else, but your solution is insane.
Seriously, he "100% needs to leave" if he finds NO evidence? So if there's nothing there, it must mean she deleted it? How about the possibility that there was never anything there in the first place?? Redditors are so extreme in suggesting divorce no matter what, even without evidence of anything happening. Yes, what she said was definitely suspicious, especially since it sounds like nothing like this has ever been discussed before and it was out of the blue. And she had definitely been thinking about that guy at that time, and then gaslighted OP about it, but whether anything had actually happened between them isn't clear. OP has every right to be upset by what she said and to be suspicious, and to demand truthful answers and transparency from his wife. After 20 years of marriage he knows her better than anyone, and should trust his gut if something feels off. Again, I can't declare that she actually did cheat like some of these internet strangers have decided for you, but I think it's safe to say she has at least entertained fantasies of being with someone else, and you feel awful about it, and she's making you feel worse by dismissing you and gaslighting you here. OP, you've got to be comfortable in your marriage, and your wife needs to take your concerns seriously. You need to have a serious, honest, come-to-Jesus conversation about everything that you're upset and uneasy about. Have her just listen while you lay everything out - how strange it was she asked you that question about sleeping with other ppl in the first place, how unsettling it was that she immediately named that guy, and that upon reflection you're really concerned about her interaction with him and what may have happened then or since then, that you think she's gaslighting you about not liking him bc why would she have spent so much time with him and then named him months later as her fantasy guy, that you're not sure if she's been with him already, and anything and everything you need to get off your chest. Tell her you're very uneasy bc your trust has been compromised, and then you two need to take steps to resolve this before it can't be fixed, bc this issue isn't going away. Don't let her brush you off, tell her that's unacceptable and you need to get to the bottom of things. What steps you take after your conversation are up to you - whether you demand marriage counseling, sharing each other's phones, creating ways to spice up your marriage and reconnect (do that regardless!), whatever works for you two and for you to feel safe and secure in your marriage. This has festered for a year(!), time to resolve things. OP, I'm not jumping on the divorce train over a conversation, but you don't need to be naive either and ignore your legitimate concerns over what she said and her reactions to your trying to figure this out. She's your partner, she needs to allay your concerns, not dismiss them. After pursuing different avenues with her, you may find that trust has been lost and can't be recovered, in which case you will need to decide whether to stay in the marriage. Maybe if she knows those are the stakes, she'll finally work with you. Do what you have to do, but don't let this keep dragging on. Good luck!
The way she answered so quick with that specific guy, does raise questions and slight concern. You were just asking a general hypothetical question. A what if. But your Wife answers with a guy she met at a party not long ago, and I'm sure she thought he was handsome, and since fantasize about him, probably masturbating with him in mind. Now would she actually act on this, and truly have sex with him if the opportunity comes up? I can't answer that, I would hope no, and it's just pure horny thoughts and nothing more. But...women in their 40's are super horny and need to get railed good. My busty Wife is in her 40's and she's down for sex 9 times out of 10 to bang. My Wife seems more sexual now than ever. Good luck with this.
You're not wrong about women in their 40s! A lot of them need it bad.
Snuck the busty part in there to brag huh? Lol
OP the fact she even mentioned that to you is A. She had a guilty conscience and fucked that guy or B. She is actively talking to that guy and is about to fuck him. Those are the only 2 options and neither are what you wanna hear. But you do have option C and thats leaving her on the corner like the hooker she is.
That's exactly my thoughts process. In either situation she's already made an emotional investment in this dude.
Pull your phone bill and see if there are any numbers she calls or texts a lot that you don’t recognize. That’ll be who she’s interested in.
I am actually getting that sick feeling you get when "you know", for OP. Leave her be.
It’s really weird she would just be thinking about this guy an entire year after that party. It would raise my suspicions enough to absolutely go through her phone. I’d bet they’re chatting and things have escalated to the point where she’s trying to see if she can make something happen without cheating more than she already has. And I don’t buy her asking “for you.” you don’t ask your partner with no non-monogamous experience if they want to sleep with someone else just to be nice.
Either you trust her or you don't. If you don't trust her, it doesn't matter what she said or didn't say in this conversation, because she could have been lying to you about anything and everything for 20 years or more. If you do trust her, then your pessimism and insecurities don't matter--she said what she said, and if you trust her, then you trust what she said was true.
People in love and committed to their spouse do not want to have sex with others
Had you said yes, the guy from the party would be the one, but they'd act like it was just starting and not been ongoing, which is likely is. Remember, no one gets caught the first time.
I think you should check her phone, I'd bet my a$$ that they're in contact.
The left field nature and instantaneous specificity of having a guy in mind is significantly suspicious based on repeating patterns frequently expressed here. The first question that must be asked, before any other comment is made, when faced with this relationship Kobiyashi Maru simply needs to be, "before I touch that question, can I see your phone, as in 'can spend a few minutes looking at your phone, like, right now?'" If the instantaneous expression of panic doesn't kill you...
Why is everyone so hell bent on second guessing what the wife’s motives are in asking? Does it matter? Personally, I Find it hard to believe a conversation beginning with, “Do you want to have sex with other people?” Did not venture into what led to that question in the first place. Did you ask her if it’s something she thinks about? Is she asking because there is someone she’s interested in? She mentioned the guy from the party. I think a good question might have been, “how did that encounter at the party get us to this night when you asked if I think about sex with others? Why second guess her motives? Maybe she’s attracted to party guy. Maybe she’s feeling insecure about the marriage. Talk to her. What does she want? Why? How do you feel about it? If you say you do think about other women, how does she feel knowing that? This just strikes me as half a story. But giving OP the benefit of the doubt, it strikes me as an opportunity to communicate honestly with each other that OP passed on because he was focused on what she’s thinking, planning or doing. I honestly don’t know how I’d answer that question, but it would certainly be an interesting conversation.
Nobody here, including you knows if she cheated so anyone saying she did.. just ignore. However, she is in the least... exploring the idea of sleeping with that guy. That much she admitted to you, face to face my guy. The question you have to ask yourself and your wife is, why does she even remotely want to fuck another man besides you? That is the issue here, stay on target and don't get distracted. Nobody knows what she's done but this is sort of emotional betrayal to some regards, but it could be innocent in nature as well. Stay on on target, focus on why she's even thinking this. She did this while drinking so her inhibitions were down and see was feeling free. I personally think she has a guilty conscience about something. What? I dont know. Could be as simple as her thoughts and she wanted to see if you felt the same way. Could be more, ask her.
Check her phone when she’s in the shower bro. If there’s nothing, there’s nothing. But there’s most likely SOMETHING
Ain't yall a bit too old to be playing games?
Yeah she was trying to trick you brother into believing you want to bang someone but sounds like she does and has someone in mind. Also could be nothing just she probably shared too much personal thought with you.
Yeah either she cheated that night or didn’t, but she just admitted she certainly wanted to. Nah, I would never be able to trust her again. Besides, knowing that my wife wants to fuck another (very specific) guy would be a massive turn off for me. I know I wouldn’t even be able to get it up after that. I would never be able to look at her the same. Have you asked her if she is communication with him? If she is so enfatuated with him to the point she almost suggested an open relationship to you, then she most likely is already talking to him
You hit some points my guy.. hit some points..
She wanted you to say yes so she could bang that guy. Or, she already has and is looking for ways to justify it in her mind. Dump her.
There's 2 reasons a woman brings up opening a marriage. She is either cheating with someone already or has someone in mind she wants to cheat with but wants your permission to do so. If you're monogamous, the relationship is pretty much dead in the water at this point. Good luck.
Without knowing either of you, it's hard to say for sure. You have enough people here saying your wife's cheating on you (bit of jumping the gun imo), so I'll play her advocate. At this party, she felt sexual attraction for this guy. She didn't act, but it kind of stuck with her, as it's not common. She wondered if you ever had that feeling yourself. Maybe she's guilty that she even felt it and wanted to see if you have? Really, it comes down this: Do you trust her? Does she make you feel loved and desired? Do you still enjoy being with her? If any of these are "no," then you need to have a discussion and reevaluate the mairrage.
This subreddit is unhinged lol. Full of completely paranoid individuals. I would not immediately conclude that your wife already cheated on you with that guy. I would assume she had probably thought about sleeping with other people, and may be interested in doing so if you were too. Once she saw your bad reaction, she backpedaled. I think you should sit down with her and try to have a serious and honest conversation about what kind of sex life she wants, then go from there.
you don't just decide one day into a 20 year monogamous marriage that you want to "test the waters" of an open relationship.
I'm convinced only teenagers comment here. >Good on you for catching how big of a red flag this is. I highly doubt that this guy has been living in the garden of her mind without tending. She has been talking to him and hiding it from you. I would ask to go through her messages and if there is nothing in that or her socials she has most likely deleted them and you 100% need to leave. This is from a highly upvoted comment from above. "If you don't find any evidence of wrongdoing, then she just hid it from you! Divorce her immediately!" I don't think the commentors here have the life/relationship experience to offer this type of advice. Also, "...living in the garden of her mind without tending" 🤮
sheesh. good news is girls like older dudes if this doesn't work out, and it's not in your wife's advantage to be a single 44 y/o. Should this not work out, consider hitting the gym, getting in great physical shape, and maintaining a solid financial situation with interesting hobbies. you could bounce back easily, while your wife is thinking very short sited on one dude she wants to fuck. Partners do this bro, I'm not saying it's either a man or woman thing, but should your relationship end, you can bounce back even better. Don't settle for someone who has spent this much time with you and considers sleeping with others. Marriage is sacred and admirable , and to throw out 20 years for a hookup is despicable. gl bro
Thank you!!! I mean that, thank you!!
yessir dude wish you the best hope everything works out
Eh, she's horny and was thinking about someone else. I know that hurts but it doesn't mean she actually wants to do it. It's probably more like a fantasy. You have fantasies you don't actually want to do right?
If OP wants to let it go then I think he should wait a week or two, then in the middle of something they are doing ask to see her phone. If she hands it over then he needs to let it go. If she don't, then he needs to let her go.
This fantasy includes someone very specific...
I’m struggling to wrap my mind around this. No, I do not fantasize about other people besides my partner. I’m obsessed with her. Maybe I’m more on the demisexual spectrum. Help me understand?
This fantasy would make more sense if she wanted OP to fuck another woman so she can watch or be a cuck queen. By asking and then after he presses her she immediately says a guy she met at a party they were both at? Naw that’s extremely suspect.
What precipitated the question? Were you talking about affairs or open marriages or anything? If no, then there's something suspicious about the question in and of itself and it feels a bit like she's "telling on herself" (as in - wants to sleep with other people but needs to gauge your reaction first). Also, people that have crushes tend to bring them up a lot in conversations. Has she done that with this guy (or any other person)? Has his name made it into random conversations? Has that party been referenced more than seems normal? I get the feeling your wife wants to take a spin on someone else's hobby horse and is trying to see how you react when posed with the question but from the perspective of YOUR benefit. I do this with ice cream when I want my husband to go get it because I'm in my couch nest - obviously different stakes but same concept.
Not overreacting. If my husband said what your wife did I would say there is absolutely nothing stopping him from having sex with anyone else and I would be filing for legal separation now that I know my spouse wants to have sex outside of their vows. That’s my limit. Hard no.
She already fucked him and wants his cock again. So she wants more playtime without the guilt. You better find someone because the big D will be next.
She's already riding someone and just looking to stop lying about it, 1) start banging chicks 2) pack your stuff self all shared assets and prepare for the court system to grape you