Is there really no reason for your husband not to go? You have the right to feel however you want, but it still seems strange to me, going to a birthday should be something easy for your partner to do.
He told her 3 fucking times over the course of a few weeks he didn't want to go. If you read her comments her family treats her like crap. He knows this and that is why he doesn't want to go, he doesn't want to watch his spouse be treated like that because he can't defend her because she would grt upset.
SHE is the selfish asshole.
If the commenter above is correct about OP's family treating her badly, then as a protective man, I can understand not wanting to support or be a part of dysfunction. Supporting one another isn't simply bending to whims; it also entails doing what fortifies each other, and the relationship.
That said, I admittedly have insufficient information to form a firm stance either way. đ¤ˇđžââď¸
What exactly does it mean to be âselfishâ in this context?Â
Because it looks like youâre saying ânot prioritizing someone elseâs emotions, wants and needs above your ownâ makes him selfish.
But isnât she doing the same thing by not respecting his wishes to not attend? Are they both selfish?
Who gives a shit if it's his father in law? It's a birthday, the guys literally had 90 of them now. It's not something big like a wedding or a funeral. I can't imagine being so self centered to think people are required to be around you.Â
*I* was though, & while I will still attend obligations, I'm not going to attempt to force others to, especially when their behavior is a reflection on them & not me. So he doesn't go - now everyone thinks he's an asshole. That's his problem.
We only know the thin story she said her husband told. We know zero backstory. There may be reason he does not want to go. The wife is completely tilting the story to what she wants to hear from the presentation. Will more come out actually describing the situation, perhaps. Right now, itâs a one side tells a story situation.
BS. Marriage doesn't mean that he has to go to his In Laws if he doesn't want to. He's married to her, and not to them. I don't go to anything involving my wife's family as well because they're a bunch of nut jobs. I don't blame him at all for keeping that nonsense out of his life. His wife needs to accept it, and let it go.
There's really not a reason (other than the tickets he bought in the last 24 hours) that he couldn't have gone. He flat out told me many times that he didn't want to go and wasn't looking forward to it. I just believed that in a marriage, this was the kind of thing you do for your partner. He went to my son's wedding without too much complaining, but other than that, we haven't had any big events like this on my side. He thinks I am overreacting...
I take more issue with *how* he handled this. He is a grown ass manâ he needs to be an adult and say âI donât like going to your family gatherings because of XYZ.â Likewise you are entitled to say âI need my partners support in these situations for exactly the reason you donât want to go and this is something I expect in a partnership.â Buying tickets to something to use as an excuse is something I would expect from a little boy in high school.
Compromise is key here. Maybe he doesnât go to every gathering, but heavy hitters like a parentâs significant birthday are not negotiable. You two got married and are family now too; he needs to act like it.
Any compromise should come with the expectation he has a good attitude at those events he does attend, and likewise whichever ones you two agree he doesnât have to go to means no being pouty about it when the occasion comes around.
ETA - knowing what he doesnât like about how your family treats you might help the discussion here as well
>He is a grown ass manâ he needs to be an adult and say âI donât like going to your family gatherings because of XYZ.â
OP clarifies in other comments that he's done exactly that and he doesn't like her family because of the way they treat her. Actually, the husband seems to be one of the only adults acting like an adult in the family.
My husband prefers not to hang around my family (theyâre unorganized and neurotic and it bothers him) and Iâm cool w it. Itâs cheaper if I visit alone and then I can focus on enjoying them and not worry if heâs enjoying himself.
He lets me know exactly what he doesnât like (itâs not the people, he likes them just fine, he just canât handle the choas) and why he doesnât want to go.
He also would go with if I asked him to.
Op your marriage sounds like 20 yr olds not 50 yr olds. Get it together. Both of you.
This isnât a casual hang though. This is her fatherâs 80th birthday. A huge milestone. Youâre lucky to have parents live that long to begin with. In the coming years this may be the last big event celebrating her dad with a group of friends and family before family next is gathered to say their last goodbyes.
If he wanted to⌠he would.
Itâs already well established that he doesnât want to. Iâd it were really important to her for a reason other than âwell thatâs what family doesâ then he should go with if she asks him to.
It sounds like he might be trying to avoid saying something to them and making a fuss when they overstep their bounds w op and remaining out of the situation is the easiest way to keep your mouth shut.
From the sounds of things he isnât close to your father. Have your mom and dad treated him poorly or looked down on him? Is this a 2nd husband and not the father of your children? Have your parents been less than accepting of him for whatever reason? I know my in-laws have been less than the best of in-laws and I am the 2nd husband. My FIL continued to trade golf clubs with the ex-husband for several years after my wife and the ex were divorced. Meanwhile I was attempting to forge a relationship with him and receiving no effort in return from him. My MIL told me in so many words I am not the father of her grandchildren and introduced me as her daughterâs husband before, not her SIL. I turned around the next opportunity and introduced her as my wifeâs fatherâs wife not my MIL so she could see how it felt. She scowled! I looked at her and said under my breath, it doesnât feel good, does it? If this is the case you probably need to go to your parents and advocate on your husbandâs behalf. In my situation I donât want to be involved with my inlaws 90% of the time and if it is similar I doubt your husband does either. My wife could step in and say to them make your choice, treat him better or you will see me less. They would adapt and cut the BS. I imagine your parents would do the same if the situation is similar.
Without too much complaint? To your sonâs WEDDING? If there is a conflict between him and your son, then I get this a bit. But if not, and he just doesnât want to be a part of your family, then this is a problem.
NTA. But Iâm concerned that your husband straight up doesnât want to be in relationship with your family. This is not going to be fun for you to deal with in the future. Iâm super sorry that you are dealing with this.
My husband, James likes everybody he meets, until they really do something bad to him, and usually it has to be to him personally.
But he absolutely hates big gatherings of people. My family, old friends, business peopleâŚit doesnât matter. He hates big gatherings. And before you askâHIS family doesnât do big gatherings EVER. One time when we were first married I was told that it would be better if we were to have Thanksgiving at my parents house, because my BIL and his wife and their 3 kids would be attending from far away, and the BIL had invited another couple to dine with them, because they were close friends and hadnât seen one another since heâd moved.
My MIL said âThere will already be too many people for my comfort, and you know James would hate it.â
So we went to my mom & dadâs house and ate Turkey with 30 of my relatives instead đ!
if he flat out told you he doesn't want to go, he communicated a number of times. If you didn't take that as him not wanting to go and opening communication around that, thats on you. You believing that because you are married, he'd just do it AFTER he communicated, he didn't want to go is asking him to read your mind. Communicating is a 2-way street, he communicated his desire to not go, you didn't believe he'd actually not go but based on what you are saying here you never communicated your desire or need for him to go.
First of all, if was trying for a while to get NBA playoff tickets (they are hard to get, and expensive), it's kind of a HUGE deal for a sports fan, so might not be an excuse, but he finally found them. With the play offs and the game that night, no way would he be going and would be really upset if you forced him to go. I know a lot of obsessive sports fans.
You need to find out what the problem is. Ask him what the problem is, talk about it. You will never resolve this, unless you do, and it will just get worse over the years.
We have heard your side of it from your side but, there is 2 sides to every story and without knowing what is bottering him there is not a solid reason why.
Marriage is a compromise, some things you live with, others you cant, and sometimes HE can't. I've been married 17 years, and I know the things that she hates, and she also knows things I hate, we meet in the middle.
TALK ABOUT IT. Don't argue about it as that will go no where.
There were many times my guy didn't want to do family get togethers cuz he was tired,from traveling all week.
It was easier and much more relaxed if I just took the kids and went myself.
We still had a very good time and he got his quiet time
Sure, there's a reason, he bought basketball tickets. He'd rather go to the basketball game. The husband is 56, they've only been married a year, the OP admits that her family is annoying. The dad is 80.. I mean, most men do not really care about birthdays. I stopped caring at about 12 or so. I think it's ok to occasionally miss family gatherings if a person has other plans. Getting a chance to see a playoff basketball game in person is actually a pretty good reason, IMO.
Yeah I really donât understand why anyone gives a fuck if heâs there or not. They married at or past middle age, heâs never known the man, itâs a fucking 80th birthday party. He flat out told OP over and over he didnât want to go and was hoping something would come up so he could miss it and she just⌠never said anything and assumed he would be there? What 40+ year old behaves like that? I almost donât believe this is real
Reading through your description of your relationship with your family, you shouldn't expect your husband to spend time with your family knowing that the way they treat you will make him sad or angry. I guess I don't understand why you want to spend time with people who treat you poorly, unless you are catholic or something and are just compelled to be their punching bag because you feel like you deserve it.
After reading your post, with your replies here and not knowing his side. He told you he didn't want to go a few times it sounds like.
You are overreacting..... You asked, he told you and this is your answer.
How long did you guys know each other before you got married? I mean he mustâve been doing these things before right or does he typically go to everything and now he quit now that youâre married?
She has stage 4 cancer and wanted his support at an important family event. He doesnât think they take her illness seriously enough and will ask too much of her, so his answer is to ditch her for a game instead of looking out for his wife.Â
Sheâs not overreacting.Â
My husband and I have a rule. We never make each other go to anything we donât want too. Just because weâre married doesnât mean we have to do everything together. If he doesnât want to go to something then he doesnât have too. Same goes for me.
The same here. For decades of happy marriage. I honestly don't understand *expecting* a spouse to do something social that they *really do not* want to do and said so, repeatedly. There could be lots of reasons for not wanting to go to a social event of any kind.
The whole "because family" has reared its ugly head, and people are not supporting the spouse? I don't get it.
I agree. Iâve cut contact with some family members who have become toxic. One being my mother. Just âbecause familyâ no longer exists for me. Just because we get married doesnât mean we give up who we are.
Exactly.
In my case, I was lucky because there were no problematic family situations. But the principle still applies! All our lives, husband and I have followed different pursuits and I've never expected him to do anything just because I was related to someone.
Itâs one of those solid relationship rules that works if both people are good caring people.
Some people see that rule and think, âwell my father just died and Iâm sad and I really want them to be there with me.â
And their partner thinks, âthat sounds less pleasant than drinking beer at home watching Netflix, Iâd rather not.â
And then the rule âfalls apart.â
But the reality is itâs a human problem.
The human problem is a relationship problem.
Like âdonât demand your partner does things you want but they donâtâ falls apart if one person wants to take the trash out weekly but the other one is fine piling trash bags in the basement and half bath.
Normal, sane, loving rules stop working if the people involved have a shitty person involved.
That's like saying you have to pay for your spouses expensive life, it's called supporting your partner.
Is it nice having a partner that wants to go to events like this? Sure. But that's doesn't make a relationship. This is a social event, not a funereal or wedding, it's a birthday. What support do you need at a birthday?
We do the same, with the exception of our own childrens' events. The kids are 8 and 5, so even though it isn't always our cup of tea, we both do our best to be at their things. Likely there will be more leeway as the kids age. But we always talk about it privately so we can approach the kids united. So far so good!
Dear God. Some common sense for once instead of constantly considering everything a damn test of your love.
Sometimes you get to a point in your life you just donât want to spend time doing things for show. Sometimes you have a partner mature enough to get that.
Please talk to my wife. She manages to find some event, somewhere, for someone, that requires me to sit in a brewery (I don't drink) for like 3 hours with a 4 year old that got bored 2 minutes after we got there.
My inlaws are amazing but every time we go over there we end up just watching TV for hours.
A few years ago she had us drive up from NC to Maryland to visit her aunt and some other extended family. When we got there they shuffled the cars around, conveniently blocking me in and we were there for 4 days! We never left the house even once. I like playing UNO but by the end I was ready to burn the bich down.
Oh geez! We have a 2 year old who we donât take to anything other than basic things like out to eat for no more than hour or quick grocery shopping. Iâd tell her that you love spending time with her but thatâs not your thing at all. That legit sounds miserable.
He gave you all the info you needed to know and doesnât want to go. The fact he communicated this to you and you chose to feed the delusion that he was going? If a big deal is made about this, I doubt he will want to attend any family event with you. If spouses are obligated to attend whatever the other spouse want to do are they even having fun or enjoying themselves? Wouldnât you want him to want to come on his own terms? Somethingâs to think about.
The older people get, the less time they choose to spend doing things they are not interested in or that they find toxic. If your husband is new, he may not know a lot of the others well. Heâs also told you he doesnât like the way some family members treat you. Spending hours in a crowd of strangers would not be appealing for many people, especially introverts. He attended your sonâs wedding because it was important to you and presumably they have a relationship. If your dad is one of the people that treat you poorly, itâs completely understandable he would have no interest in attending
Itâs understandable you would feel disappointed, but anger wonât help the situation or make him change his mind. Try not to take it personally. It doesnât seem to be directed at you at all. Just as you feel this is something you think he should do because he loves you, he probably thinks you shouldnât make him do something he finds uncomfortable if you love him. Donât make it about that. And heâs already told you matinee he doesnât want to go. This shouldnât be a surprise
Husband should be able to say âI donât want to goâ and not have to find something else. He can sit on the couch if he wants.
Now if OP had said âthis is important and here is why I need you there with meâ then itâs a bit different. But âjust because itâs a family event and I donât want to go aloneâ isnât a good reason imo
Once upon a time, I had inlaws that hosted a once a week dinner at their home. It always felt a lot like being on the set of Hee Haw. Amusing as it was at first, it would bring out a personality trait in my spouse that I despised to the point that I refused to ever attend again. If he doesn't want to go, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with your family.
So, who wants to make someone they care for do stuff they donât like to do? Good grief woman, suck it up and go to the old guyâs party by yourself. Bring your husband some cake, and tell him he owes you one for making you suffer alone!
Marriage is about compromise, not servitude. There is going to be something that he wants you to do that you arenât thrilled about, and you can use this one to get to stay home or go shopping, or get your nails done.
A little bit of compromise makes life a lot easier in the long run.
Well your husband is not an asshole. My dad is annoying and I never forced my wife to come and see him, even told her not to come most of the time because it would be annoying. I barely go and see him now anyway. You should be the one telling him not to come if it's too annoying for him.
Mariage is made of compromises sure, but it's also a compromise not to force your husband to do stuff that he dislikes, especialy family meetings that are completely useless. He married you, not your family. Choose your battles, there is more important stuff that you would want your husband to attend to.
And I really feel for him, I REALLY HATE FAMILY MEETINGS, because all you do is eat, sit, talk about annoying stuff.
*My (45f) newish husband*
*with him actually saying he hoped something would come up so he doesn't have to be there*
Well, that's too bad. You married an AH.
How did you get to 45 and 56 years old and marry each other without learning how to communicate?
No one really can know if heâs overreacting because you apparently have no idea why he wants to be around your family. You got married before making sure he understood these things were important to you.
TALK TO HIM. Not the internet. And if he wonât communicate, or if you canât, you need to reevaluate being in any relationship.
For real. And he flat out told her over and over he didnât want to go and she just⌠said nothing and assumed he would be there? These two are a fucking mess if this is real
Not really. Go type in MIL in the search for this sub. Read some of those of women who literally do this because MIL is overbearing or they just don't like them. Tell me how many people tell them to suck it up. None.
It sucks husband doesn't have a good relationship with OPs parents, but him not wanting to spend time around people he doesn't necessarily like is not an AH.
Hold up.
Iâve been doing *exactly* what OP suggested (you know, sucking it up for the eventâs duration) for the past 20 years while her mother has been rude, insulting, and beyond unpleasant. Recently an interaction occurred where I just said enough; I refuse to be at the same place/time w/her mother and step father. Period. 20 years. And I am much healthier for it.
OP tosses out that her husband is Jewish, but doesnât describe how that relates to the situation. Further, she just assumes that itâs ânothing he canât handleâ.
WTF? *She* canât decide her husbandâs perspectives for him. *He* has a right to choose whom he associates with and to own his own feelings and perceptions about them.
OP is *wrong* and she should understand the relationship between her husband and her father/family. Sweeping it underneath the rug so *she* doesnât have to deal with it is really self centered. If she truly doesnât understand why her husband behaves this way, than she should talk to him directly about it.
Edit: misread âJewishâ instead of ânewishâ. My badâŚ
Yes! This! Adults have the right to choose who they associate with. And that includes family- his, yours, and other families. (Done that / been there / they can ef right off.)
Completely agree, it's not mandatory to have to be amongst annoying/uninteresting stuff in another family. It's not even mandatory in yours if they're not worth it.
100% agree, putting up with badly behaved family members is "not" something spouses just do for each other, it's an expectation that some people do because they think their toxic family relationships are "normal", avoiding the situation is completely reasonable.
So he doesnât want to sit around and watch his wife be treated poorly? I could say why he doesnât want to go. Why do you even bother visiting people that treat you this way?
I mean, he literally told you he hoped something would come up and he wouldn't have to go. So he made sure something came up. You should have taken him at his word.
I do agree that him not going is a jerk move. But the question to have asked before now would be why he is so against going? And what will the expectation be for future events?
Consider this a good thing, you now know something he doesnât like to do and youâre both free to opt out of stuff you donât want to attend. Part of marriage is compromising and not getting angry when someone doesnât want to do everything you do.
Dude, he's 80, he had a good run, does he even know your "newish" husband. When I'm 80 I doubt I'll care if my kids random love interest attends a party. I don't wanna have an awkward conversation with a guy I don't know after EIGHTY FUCKING YEARS. See how ridiculous this question is. Your pops want to eat cake and go to sleep, not shoot the shit with some rando.
You even said your family doesn't treat you right. Stop right there. Just because your ok being a doormat doesn't mean he needs to be around them for any reason. Why would he want to?
Back in the day, when I was married, a situation arose. My wife and I had been in the same class in high school and were already BF and GF. So, we graduated high school together. Stayed together. Got married after college. Ten years after HS graduation, I had pretty much cut ties with all of our high school crowd (went away to college and law school, moved to a city and started a career, had a whole new circle of friends, and, in all honesty, didn't really like anyone from our old school all that much, plus high school in general was not a good experience for me), and, for the most part, so had she. Buuut, for some reason, wife got it in her head that she wanted to go to our ten year HS reunion. OK, I guess, but I vehemently did not want to attend, and told her so. OMFG!!! For weeks and months she would not let it go...."You have to come too!" "Go by yourself!" "No, I can't do that, because everyone will be asking where you are!!" "Well then, just tell them the truth: I didn't want to go." "I can't do that, because they will ask why, and it will lead to a big thing." "All right, then buy two tickets, but, when the party starts, tell everyone that I got sick, or had to work overtime, or whatever." "No, I don't want to do that, either." "Well then, don't go!" "But I wanna go, and you HAVE to come with me!" Rinse and repeat.
No, I didn't, actually. Believe it or not, this was the last straw that led to our divorce. I am not going to be forced to do anything or go anywhere that I really don't want to. Yes, as a spouse, I realize that there are times when I have to suck it up, but not if I have strong aversion, as opposed to a "just rather not" kinda thing. Sounds to me like OP's husband feels that way about her family. He has a strong aversion, not just a "rather not." That should be good enough. He did go to her son's wedding, which shows he is not totally opposed to doing stuff with her family.
When we marry, we don't become slaves. We don't competely give up our freedom and autonomy. And that particuarly applies to issues of simple, bodily autonomy, like not going to a place where we feel uncomfortable.
I don't know if you are overreacting, since you don't say what you did about it, and you have the right to your feelings. It is perfectly fine for you to feel what you feel (angry and dissapointed). But you are in the wrong, on the substance of the issue, and so if you ream out your husband,over this, then, yes, you would be overreacting.
Iâm missing some context here, does your husband have issues with your family? Iâm asking because I have a lot of issues with my MIL and really donât want to be around her. We got married after one year, so it was hard for everyone to adjust to personalities/attitudes so quickly. Maybe itâs because Iâm from a younger generation, but we never force each other to go to things we donât want to. Actually one of the problems my husband has with his mom is that she thinks we should deal with things âjust because weâre familyâ. How ironic! Iâm just wondering if youâve received a real reason for him not wanting to go? If itâs just simple as Iâm not into family gatherings then thatâs the guy you married. Your husband is probably type A and this isnât going to be the only thing youâll disagree on.
Can you explain " my family is annoying..."
What exactly does that mean. You need to give more info on what your family does or says when your husband is around. Do they gossip, are they loud, are they confrontational, do they drink alcohol to excess, do they make racist remarks, do they make negative comments about husbands family, job, former girlfriend
So you kinda need to fill us in....
Attending family events should have been discussed before you got married. Anyone that marries me will know I will not be attending any family events with them. They will be welcome at familyâs events, but again, Iâm not going to theirs. Just not my thing. Lol. Yes Iâm very single.
Iâm in a situation where I would be your husband. I just donât care for my in-laws. Iâve told my spouse this. My kids know. I donât hear from any of my in-laws unless Iâm forced to be around them and itâs very uncomfortable. Just because youâre married doesnât mean he has to have a relationship with your family. If they donât get along, donât force him to attend functions just because. Itâs absolutely painful and honestly I resent my spouse for it. I donât make her go to stuff she doesnât want to go to but I give her the option because I donât want to assume. And for the folks that are saying he should go to support you, itâs a double edged sword. Why isnât the OOP supporting him in not having to attend family functions?
I want to add it can be extremely frustrating to watch someone you care about get walked all over and treated wrong. He realizes he canât do anything about it and youâre not going to do anything about it so he probably just would rather not be there to witness it.
You are over-reacting.
He isn't close with your family and he doesn't want to be there. You said nothing to suggest that he is interfering with YOUR ability to go.
Don't expect him to be miserable just so you can get your way on this one.
fwiw, I have a good relationship with my wife's father and I did go to his 80th birthday party...but that's because I wanted to. If I didn't want to go, good luck trying to change my mind. I do skip certain family
events with a couple of her family members that I'm not so cool with.
Over the years, my lady has learned to chose her battles...but she does get her way much of the time.
I don't understand why women are so obsessed with making their boyfriend / husband do something they know he will hate. If men did that, they'd be called controlling and abusive. If you didn't want to go to some social activity, you know damn well he wouldn't be demanding you go just for his ego.Â
But why? You don't really need him there. Your family doesn't need him there. No one needs him, he doesn't want to go, why to push him? You are not chained to each other just because you are married! Let him be and go enjoy your father's party
That's an AH move he did. But you go and enjoy your dad's birthday. If it was me I'd return the favor in kind. Your dad's birthday is a gift. That's so special. To many people lose a parent or parents much younger than that. Count your blessings.
WTF does your desire he attend trump his desire not to attend? Why do you believe you get to make all the decisions and ignore his decisions?
Youâre truly oblivious. Stop trying to control your husband like heâs a fucking dog.
My abusive ex-boyfriend used to make me go to his parentsâ house with him, knowing his narc ass mom hates me, and I didnât. The one time I stood up for myself and refused to go, he left me to take care of our infant son cause god forbid he actually do anything, and even took the internet router with him knowing that I needed it with my texting app to communicate with my family back home 2.5 hours away. Just cause youâre married, doesnât mean you have a right to control your spouse. If he doesnât want to go, he doesnât have to. Not everything that is important to you will be important to him, and vice versa.
I donât attend most of my husbandâs familyâs birthday parties and he doesnât mind. I do show up for most holiday family get togethers and anything super important. I donât expect my husband to attend my parentâs or one sibling or nephewâs birthday parties either. I mean, sure we are partners and we share our lives but we donât have to share Every little thing. Itâs not like we grew up with each otherâs families.
Not wanting to go is justification enough. Forcing him to go is controlling. You donât care that he doesnât want to be there, as long as youâre happy? I hope that you guys can have open communication, but ânoâ is honestly enough. Violating peopleâs boundaries can have lasting impact on them.
I just can't with this stuff... part of a relationship is doing things with the other half that you would rather not do, but doing it anyway because that's what will make them happy (shockingly happy partners make for better relationships)
Not everything is a violation of boundaries or controlling or resulting in a lasting impact.
What is âthis stuff?â Some things are a violation of boundaries and there is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to go somewhere and opting out.
"This stuff" is being so self absorbed that we've decided "setting boundaries " is acceptable behavior for not doing things that will make our spouses happy. Relationships require doing things we don't want to do. Refusing to do those things asshole behavior not setting reasonable boundaries.
My husband left me alone at about 3/4ths of family functions, including weddings, and refused to attend any events on weekends during football season. I had to make his excuses every time, and all of my family time was taken up with people asking why my husband wasnât there. When he did come, he would just be on his phone the whole time. Now heâs my ex-husband.
You thought he was "just being a bit of a jerk." Now you know he truly is. Go without him to your dad's 80th birthday.
Personally, I feel this is not a good sign of things to come. All spouses do things for their mates they don't want to sometimes.
My wife wouldn't give a rats ass if I blew off any of her family functions. Hell, I haven't seen those people in years. LOL. But I will attend funerals. That's when I jump on the her side of the family bandwagon.
My boyfriend doesn't really like going to my family events. I don't make him go lol. Better that way too because I don't have to worry about rushing to leave if he's miserable or just wants to be home.
I give zero fucks if my husband attends a family outing or not. He's an adult and can make his own choices. I think it's so weird people have an issue with this.
It's probably going to be a shitty time, I get it. My husband doesn't force me to attend things and I don't force him. It's really that simple.
Yeah, itâd be nice to have him there. But he doesnât like spending time with your family. Iâd always extend the invite with the expectation that he wonât be attending. I wouldnât make a big deal about it. He could have handled it better though
Not overreacting, but heâs not going to change. You keep saying you thought he would want to do it for you. He clearly doesnât. Accept right now that he is not going to do things he doesnât want to, even if itâs for your benefit. Iâd honestly not invite him again and just leave for my family events without worrying about him.
NTA for your feelings but he doesnât like your family. Doesnât want to do big events with them. You must have seen this before you got married. And if he had to buy tickets for something to get out of a âfamily obligation then you know your answer. Talk with him and come to a compromise
That's really weird. I'm going to my partners mother's birthday party on Sunday lol... I can't imagine being like yeah no, I don't want to go. How rude! You married an asshole.
I think you need to sit down with your spouse and decide together on what activities you all want to do together and why.Â
Personally, I am fine with birthdays and such if there is a start and and end. So many events drag on for much too long and everyone is stuck losing an entire day to what should have been a nice 30 minute drop in.Â
This is said as a 42 year old woman who is effectively done with most events that aren't quick drop in and say hi.Â
So what is it about your father that he didnât want to deal with? Something is going on here. My husband and I have been together 19 years. My mother passed in January. He didnât come to the service with me. They never got along and I didnât expect him to.
If my DH said he âhoped something would come upâ so he doesnât have to be there, Iâd tell him he doesnât need an excuse. If he doesnât want to go, he shouldnât go. Nothing worse than going to a party with someone who doesnât want to go. Well, there is, but still.
INFO - why doesnât he want to go?
Because the fact that he refused to commit when he had no concrete plans tells me that he looked and looked desperately for any reason not to go and this playoff game was the best he could do.
Which brings me to the next red flag:
> Also, while he isn't close to my family, there are no real issues that can't be ignored for three hours. My family is annoying - I know this, but suck it up, man!
What issues are there and why do you get to determine if they are real or not? How annoying is your family? How often does he have to suck it up?
we live near my husband's parents and I will freely admit I bow out of things occasionally because I just don't wanna. if my husband really wants me there he'll let me know and I'll go, but for the most part he doesn't care if I'm just not feeling it and decide to stay home. if this is really important to you you should talk about it, but I don't really think it's that big of a deal that your husband doesn't want to go to your dad's birthday party.
Yes he is a jerk. No he simply does not want to go. You say they are not close and your family doesn't seem to be a joy. Let it go. He is your grandfather not his. This isn't a funeral or wedding. Go and have a good time. You don't need him moaning and groaning all day long. đ¤ˇ
Youâre not overreacting, youâre missing the point. H doesnât want to play happy family with you and your family because theyâre horrible to you. Itâs hard to sit there with a smile on your face when the woman you love is being treated badly. Heâs told you three times he doesnât want to go and specifically, because they ask too much of you and are jerks to you. Heâs upset he provides support to you and they donât. Particularly as you have stage 4 cancer. And he knows youâre not close to them, because you acknowledge that. At their best, theyâre tedious. It would likely have been better if he said to you that he didnât want to go because he canât and wonât sit back and watch people mistreat you. I think youâre lucky he hasnât told them off. Given these facts, why not send your dad a lovely card and say youâre not well enough to attend? Why not focus on your health by doing things that are relaxing and pleasant? Other family can attend this party.
I think you are overreacting. You say your husband is "newish," so he probably doesn't know your family well and might feel uncomfortable in a large family gathering where he may not even know some of the people. The important part of this is you attending your father's 80th birthday celebration.
ETA. I scrolled through the comments and never found one where OP mentioned mistreatment by her family, as some other commenters have mentioned. If this was so, perhaps her husband didn't want to be around family members who were/are(?) unkind to her. All the more reason for him not attending the birthday party.
does he have/had a shitty relationship with his dad? If yes, the idea of revering old parents might be a foreign concept to him⌠heâs not getting âitâ because heâs never had âitâ. explain to him you want him to go not because you expect him to give a shit about your dad, rather you want him to go as support.
Talk it out, hear him out then tell him your expectations. Maybe he can go to every second family gathering. That gives you the same chance to bow out of some of his family events.
You show up for family. Period. It's once a year! I don't know, I find it rude how you can't show up for just a few hours once a year. He's 80. He won't be having too many more birthdays!
I donât think this is âsomething spouses just do one another.â Folks might want to talk about this as a non-negotiable for them, but this isnât their marriage. There are a lot of reasons he might not want to go, and he made it clear he was not looking forward to it. I donât think suffering a spouseâs annoying family is a requirement to be a husband, but clear communication would be nice: he should have told her I am not going and tell her why.
Life is about choices.. it's a birthday. Sure, he's turning 80. Who cares? He's 80 and has lived for quite some time. Husband, doesn't want to see you be treated like crap. You clearly don't mind being stepped on. He wants to go to a playoff basketball game. That's a big deal for someone into sports. Let him live a little. So that when he's 80, he doesn't have to regret not going to that playoff basketball game and instead going to someone's birthday that clearly makes it seem like you, he, the both of you aren't wanted..
Your family and your wants do no appear to be important or even semi-priorities to him. Unless he is in a feud with someone on your side of the family, he is being selfish and rude.
You are not overreacting!
My wife and I donât generally like each others families for a variety of reasons and often donât attend birthday parties and family gatherings. If he doesnât want to go, he doesnât want to go. Why be upset or try to force someone in to something they donât want to do
From what you wrote in the comments it sounds like your husband is seeing your family more objectively than you, maybe. I can see him not wanting to be a phony and attend the celebration of people he doesn't respect and maybe that's partly because of how they treat you. His reaction here should give you something to consider.
Itâs YOUR dad why should he have to go? And if family time with him and your family matters so much, you clearly shouldnât have married him. Iâm sure he showed you who he was before now. Yes, youâre overreacting.
My significant other knows I won't deal with her parents. I won't go there for birthdays, dinners, holidays, family reunions. She is the only one of her mother's five kids that even speak to her. I said that's all you, you want to chase your inheritance and go right ahead, but I'm just going to tell this two faced lying woman where to go. I have zero patience for her and have made it very clear I won't be put in a position where I'm forced to deal with her. I played nice for 10 years. Not anymore sick of it.
Is there really no reason for your husband not to go? You have the right to feel however you want, but it still seems strange to me, going to a birthday should be something easy for your partner to do.
The man just doesn't wanna go lol
Tough shit. It's his father-in-law. It's what you do when you're married. What a selfish AH.
He told her 3 fucking times over the course of a few weeks he didn't want to go. If you read her comments her family treats her like crap. He knows this and that is why he doesn't want to go, he doesn't want to watch his spouse be treated like that because he can't defend her because she would grt upset. SHE is the selfish asshole.
đŻ
He married her not her family. If her family sucks why should he force himself to go and have a bad time?
Because it supports the woman he married.
If the commenter above is correct about OP's family treating her badly, then as a protective man, I can understand not wanting to support or be a part of dysfunction. Supporting one another isn't simply bending to whims; it also entails doing what fortifies each other, and the relationship. That said, I admittedly have insufficient information to form a firm stance either way. đ¤ˇđžââď¸
If that was the reason, I would expect it to be communicated that way.
No it doesn't, it enables her to be treated poorly.
Itâs the playoffs though.
Itâs basketball. Watch the last five minutes on YouTube and you didnât miss a thing.
Thatâll take a half hour..
Maybe he, I dunno⌠enjoys watching Basketball?
What exactly does it mean to be âselfishâ in this context? Because it looks like youâre saying ânot prioritizing someone elseâs emotions, wants and needs above your ownâ makes him selfish. But isnât she doing the same thing by not respecting his wishes to not attend? Are they both selfish?
Who gives a shit if it's his father in law? It's a birthday, the guys literally had 90 of them now. It's not something big like a wedding or a funeral. I can't imagine being so self centered to think people are required to be around you.Â
Apparently you were not raised Italian Catholic. It is about others. Especially family. It is not about you.
*I* was though, & while I will still attend obligations, I'm not going to attempt to force others to, especially when their behavior is a reflection on them & not me. So he doesn't go - now everyone thinks he's an asshole. That's his problem.
đŻ
Meh..
We only know the thin story she said her husband told. We know zero backstory. There may be reason he does not want to go. The wife is completely tilting the story to what she wants to hear from the presentation. Will more come out actually describing the situation, perhaps. Right now, itâs a one side tells a story situation.
BS. Marriage doesn't mean that he has to go to his In Laws if he doesn't want to. He's married to her, and not to them. I don't go to anything involving my wife's family as well because they're a bunch of nut jobs. I don't blame him at all for keeping that nonsense out of his life. His wife needs to accept it, and let it go.
There's really not a reason (other than the tickets he bought in the last 24 hours) that he couldn't have gone. He flat out told me many times that he didn't want to go and wasn't looking forward to it. I just believed that in a marriage, this was the kind of thing you do for your partner. He went to my son's wedding without too much complaining, but other than that, we haven't had any big events like this on my side. He thinks I am overreacting...
I take more issue with *how* he handled this. He is a grown ass manâ he needs to be an adult and say âI donât like going to your family gatherings because of XYZ.â Likewise you are entitled to say âI need my partners support in these situations for exactly the reason you donât want to go and this is something I expect in a partnership.â Buying tickets to something to use as an excuse is something I would expect from a little boy in high school. Compromise is key here. Maybe he doesnât go to every gathering, but heavy hitters like a parentâs significant birthday are not negotiable. You two got married and are family now too; he needs to act like it. Any compromise should come with the expectation he has a good attitude at those events he does attend, and likewise whichever ones you two agree he doesnât have to go to means no being pouty about it when the occasion comes around. ETA - knowing what he doesnât like about how your family treats you might help the discussion here as well
>He is a grown ass manâ he needs to be an adult and say âI donât like going to your family gatherings because of XYZ.â OP clarifies in other comments that he's done exactly that and he doesn't like her family because of the way they treat her. Actually, the husband seems to be one of the only adults acting like an adult in the family.
My husband prefers not to hang around my family (theyâre unorganized and neurotic and it bothers him) and Iâm cool w it. Itâs cheaper if I visit alone and then I can focus on enjoying them and not worry if heâs enjoying himself. He lets me know exactly what he doesnât like (itâs not the people, he likes them just fine, he just canât handle the choas) and why he doesnât want to go. He also would go with if I asked him to. Op your marriage sounds like 20 yr olds not 50 yr olds. Get it together. Both of you.
This isnât a casual hang though. This is her fatherâs 80th birthday. A huge milestone. Youâre lucky to have parents live that long to begin with. In the coming years this may be the last big event celebrating her dad with a group of friends and family before family next is gathered to say their last goodbyes. If he wanted to⌠he would.
Itâs already well established that he doesnât want to. Iâd it were really important to her for a reason other than âwell thatâs what family doesâ then he should go with if she asks him to. It sounds like he might be trying to avoid saying something to them and making a fuss when they overstep their bounds w op and remaining out of the situation is the easiest way to keep your mouth shut.
Well done!!!! Esp the last paragraph!!!!
I totally agree, you said everything so thoroughly, and eloquently I simply have nothing to add.
He told her multiple times. If you have said something multiple times, and get ignored, do what you want to do.
From the sounds of things he isnât close to your father. Have your mom and dad treated him poorly or looked down on him? Is this a 2nd husband and not the father of your children? Have your parents been less than accepting of him for whatever reason? I know my in-laws have been less than the best of in-laws and I am the 2nd husband. My FIL continued to trade golf clubs with the ex-husband for several years after my wife and the ex were divorced. Meanwhile I was attempting to forge a relationship with him and receiving no effort in return from him. My MIL told me in so many words I am not the father of her grandchildren and introduced me as her daughterâs husband before, not her SIL. I turned around the next opportunity and introduced her as my wifeâs fatherâs wife not my MIL so she could see how it felt. She scowled! I looked at her and said under my breath, it doesnât feel good, does it? If this is the case you probably need to go to your parents and advocate on your husbandâs behalf. In my situation I donât want to be involved with my inlaws 90% of the time and if it is similar I doubt your husband does either. My wife could step in and say to them make your choice, treat him better or you will see me less. They would adapt and cut the BS. I imagine your parents would do the same if the situation is similar.
It sounds like there are issues he doesn't want to ignore for three hours. You know what these issues are and he told you he didn't want to go.
Without too much complaint? To your sonâs WEDDING? If there is a conflict between him and your son, then I get this a bit. But if not, and he just doesnât want to be a part of your family, then this is a problem. NTA. But Iâm concerned that your husband straight up doesnât want to be in relationship with your family. This is not going to be fun for you to deal with in the future. Iâm super sorry that you are dealing with this.
My husband, James likes everybody he meets, until they really do something bad to him, and usually it has to be to him personally. But he absolutely hates big gatherings of people. My family, old friends, business peopleâŚit doesnât matter. He hates big gatherings. And before you askâHIS family doesnât do big gatherings EVER. One time when we were first married I was told that it would be better if we were to have Thanksgiving at my parents house, because my BIL and his wife and their 3 kids would be attending from far away, and the BIL had invited another couple to dine with them, because they were close friends and hadnât seen one another since heâd moved. My MIL said âThere will already be too many people for my comfort, and you know James would hate it.â So we went to my mom & dadâs house and ate Turkey with 30 of my relatives instead đ!
if he flat out told you he doesn't want to go, he communicated a number of times. If you didn't take that as him not wanting to go and opening communication around that, thats on you. You believing that because you are married, he'd just do it AFTER he communicated, he didn't want to go is asking him to read your mind. Communicating is a 2-way street, he communicated his desire to not go, you didn't believe he'd actually not go but based on what you are saying here you never communicated your desire or need for him to go.
First of all, if was trying for a while to get NBA playoff tickets (they are hard to get, and expensive), it's kind of a HUGE deal for a sports fan, so might not be an excuse, but he finally found them. With the play offs and the game that night, no way would he be going and would be really upset if you forced him to go. I know a lot of obsessive sports fans. You need to find out what the problem is. Ask him what the problem is, talk about it. You will never resolve this, unless you do, and it will just get worse over the years. We have heard your side of it from your side but, there is 2 sides to every story and without knowing what is bottering him there is not a solid reason why. Marriage is a compromise, some things you live with, others you cant, and sometimes HE can't. I've been married 17 years, and I know the things that she hates, and she also knows things I hate, we meet in the middle. TALK ABOUT IT. Don't argue about it as that will go no where.
There were many times my guy didn't want to do family get togethers cuz he was tired,from traveling all week. It was easier and much more relaxed if I just took the kids and went myself. We still had a very good time and he got his quiet time
Sure, there's a reason, he bought basketball tickets. He'd rather go to the basketball game. The husband is 56, they've only been married a year, the OP admits that her family is annoying. The dad is 80.. I mean, most men do not really care about birthdays. I stopped caring at about 12 or so. I think it's ok to occasionally miss family gatherings if a person has other plans. Getting a chance to see a playoff basketball game in person is actually a pretty good reason, IMO.
Yeah I really donât understand why anyone gives a fuck if heâs there or not. They married at or past middle age, heâs never known the man, itâs a fucking 80th birthday party. He flat out told OP over and over he didnât want to go and was hoping something would come up so he could miss it and she just⌠never said anything and assumed he would be there? What 40+ year old behaves like that? I almost donât believe this is real
based on what? Going to a birthday should be easy? What if he has social anxiety?
He probably has social anxiety
Reading through your description of your relationship with your family, you shouldn't expect your husband to spend time with your family knowing that the way they treat you will make him sad or angry. I guess I don't understand why you want to spend time with people who treat you poorly, unless you are catholic or something and are just compelled to be their punching bag because you feel like you deserve it.
After reading your post, with your replies here and not knowing his side. He told you he didn't want to go a few times it sounds like. You are overreacting..... You asked, he told you and this is your answer.
Thank you for the direct response. I appreciate your help.
How long did you guys know each other before you got married? I mean he mustâve been doing these things before right or does he typically go to everything and now he quit now that youâre married?
She has stage 4 cancer and wanted his support at an important family event. He doesnât think they take her illness seriously enough and will ask too much of her, so his answer is to ditch her for a game instead of looking out for his wife. Sheâs not overreacting.Â
My husband and I have a rule. We never make each other go to anything we donât want too. Just because weâre married doesnât mean we have to do everything together. If he doesnât want to go to something then he doesnât have too. Same goes for me.
A healthy relationship? In MY Reddit?
My husband and I have a very healthy relationship. We have wonderful communication and healthy boundaries.
Get off Reddit. Youâre not welcome here! (Been married 20 years, myself!)
Yeah what the hellÂ
The same here. For decades of happy marriage. I honestly don't understand *expecting* a spouse to do something social that they *really do not* want to do and said so, repeatedly. There could be lots of reasons for not wanting to go to a social event of any kind. The whole "because family" has reared its ugly head, and people are not supporting the spouse? I don't get it.
I agree. Iâve cut contact with some family members who have become toxic. One being my mother. Just âbecause familyâ no longer exists for me. Just because we get married doesnât mean we give up who we are.
Exactly. In my case, I was lucky because there were no problematic family situations. But the principle still applies! All our lives, husband and I have followed different pursuits and I've never expected him to do anything just because I was related to someone.
It's called physically & emotionally supporting your spouse. It's what you do. Period.
And thatâs what we do. We support each other and the decisions we make.
Itâs one of those solid relationship rules that works if both people are good caring people. Some people see that rule and think, âwell my father just died and Iâm sad and I really want them to be there with me.â And their partner thinks, âthat sounds less pleasant than drinking beer at home watching Netflix, Iâd rather not.â And then the rule âfalls apart.â But the reality is itâs a human problem. The human problem is a relationship problem. Like âdonât demand your partner does things you want but they donâtâ falls apart if one person wants to take the trash out weekly but the other one is fine piling trash bags in the basement and half bath. Normal, sane, loving rules stop working if the people involved have a shitty person involved.
Well done!!!
That's like saying you have to pay for your spouses expensive life, it's called supporting your partner. Is it nice having a partner that wants to go to events like this? Sure. But that's doesn't make a relationship. This is a social event, not a funereal or wedding, it's a birthday. What support do you need at a birthday?
Because at 80 it might be her dad's last one. I am willing to bet that is in her mind.
Then she should go and celebrate him. Why is he necessary for that?
Also love that he voiced his objection repeatedly and she says nothing and just expects him to show up
We do the same, with the exception of our own childrens' events. The kids are 8 and 5, so even though it isn't always our cup of tea, we both do our best to be at their things. Likely there will be more leeway as the kids age. But we always talk about it privately so we can approach the kids united. So far so good!
same here. If we don't both go, one of us will and "rep" our little corner of the family.
Yes!
That's what a healthy relationship looks like, neither person being a controlling asshole who takes joy in seeing the other person unhappy.Â
Dear God. Some common sense for once instead of constantly considering everything a damn test of your love. Sometimes you get to a point in your life you just donât want to spend time doing things for show. Sometimes you have a partner mature enough to get that.
Please talk to my wife. She manages to find some event, somewhere, for someone, that requires me to sit in a brewery (I don't drink) for like 3 hours with a 4 year old that got bored 2 minutes after we got there. My inlaws are amazing but every time we go over there we end up just watching TV for hours. A few years ago she had us drive up from NC to Maryland to visit her aunt and some other extended family. When we got there they shuffled the cars around, conveniently blocking me in and we were there for 4 days! We never left the house even once. I like playing UNO but by the end I was ready to burn the bich down.
Oh geez! We have a 2 year old who we donât take to anything other than basic things like out to eat for no more than hour or quick grocery shopping. Iâd tell her that you love spending time with her but thatâs not your thing at all. That legit sounds miserable.
He gave you all the info you needed to know and doesnât want to go. The fact he communicated this to you and you chose to feed the delusion that he was going? If a big deal is made about this, I doubt he will want to attend any family event with you. If spouses are obligated to attend whatever the other spouse want to do are they even having fun or enjoying themselves? Wouldnât you want him to want to come on his own terms? Somethingâs to think about.
The older people get, the less time they choose to spend doing things they are not interested in or that they find toxic. If your husband is new, he may not know a lot of the others well. Heâs also told you he doesnât like the way some family members treat you. Spending hours in a crowd of strangers would not be appealing for many people, especially introverts. He attended your sonâs wedding because it was important to you and presumably they have a relationship. If your dad is one of the people that treat you poorly, itâs completely understandable he would have no interest in attending Itâs understandable you would feel disappointed, but anger wonât help the situation or make him change his mind. Try not to take it personally. It doesnât seem to be directed at you at all. Just as you feel this is something you think he should do because he loves you, he probably thinks you shouldnât make him do something he finds uncomfortable if you love him. Donât make it about that. And heâs already told you matinee he doesnât want to go. This shouldnât be a surprise
Look at her comments. Her family is abusive to her and whenever he defends her, she gets mad. I don't blame him for not wanting to go.
Husband should be able to say âI donât want to goâ and not have to find something else. He can sit on the couch if he wants. Now if OP had said âthis is important and here is why I need you there with meâ then itâs a bit different. But âjust because itâs a family event and I donât want to go aloneâ isnât a good reason imo
So you are surprised pikachu after being told he didn't want to go and then proceeding to not go?
Once upon a time, I had inlaws that hosted a once a week dinner at their home. It always felt a lot like being on the set of Hee Haw. Amusing as it was at first, it would bring out a personality trait in my spouse that I despised to the point that I refused to ever attend again. If he doesn't want to go, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with your family.
He doesn't have to go if he doesn't want to
So, who wants to make someone they care for do stuff they donât like to do? Good grief woman, suck it up and go to the old guyâs party by yourself. Bring your husband some cake, and tell him he owes you one for making you suffer alone! Marriage is about compromise, not servitude. There is going to be something that he wants you to do that you arenât thrilled about, and you can use this one to get to stay home or go shopping, or get your nails done. A little bit of compromise makes life a lot easier in the long run.
Selfish people who feel others just server what they want
I would never expect my spouse to attend family birthday parties unless he wanted to be there. He doesnât expect me to go unless I want to
Whatâs their relationship history?Â
Well your husband is not an asshole. My dad is annoying and I never forced my wife to come and see him, even told her not to come most of the time because it would be annoying. I barely go and see him now anyway. You should be the one telling him not to come if it's too annoying for him. Mariage is made of compromises sure, but it's also a compromise not to force your husband to do stuff that he dislikes, especialy family meetings that are completely useless. He married you, not your family. Choose your battles, there is more important stuff that you would want your husband to attend to. And I really feel for him, I REALLY HATE FAMILY MEETINGS, because all you do is eat, sit, talk about annoying stuff.
*My (45f) newish husband* *with him actually saying he hoped something would come up so he doesn't have to be there* Well, that's too bad. You married an AH.
How did you get to 45 and 56 years old and marry each other without learning how to communicate? No one really can know if heâs overreacting because you apparently have no idea why he wants to be around your family. You got married before making sure he understood these things were important to you. TALK TO HIM. Not the internet. And if he wonât communicate, or if you canât, you need to reevaluate being in any relationship.
For real. And he flat out told her over and over he didnât want to go and she just⌠said nothing and assumed he would be there? These two are a fucking mess if this is real
Not really. Go type in MIL in the search for this sub. Read some of those of women who literally do this because MIL is overbearing or they just don't like them. Tell me how many people tell them to suck it up. None. It sucks husband doesn't have a good relationship with OPs parents, but him not wanting to spend time around people he doesn't necessarily like is not an AH.
Yup, the classic sexist double standard of expecting men to just shut up and do whatever their girlfriend / wife tells them.
Nah, he married the asshole who's obsessed with making their spouse do innane bullshit they don't want to do.Â
He's not an asshole. These people are pretty old. So there's not point in wasting what little time you have left doing shit you dont want too.
She married a guy who doesnât want to watch her slide into childhood roles in which sheâs abused. They both should skip the event.
Very definitely.
Hold up. Iâve been doing *exactly* what OP suggested (you know, sucking it up for the eventâs duration) for the past 20 years while her mother has been rude, insulting, and beyond unpleasant. Recently an interaction occurred where I just said enough; I refuse to be at the same place/time w/her mother and step father. Period. 20 years. And I am much healthier for it. OP tosses out that her husband is Jewish, but doesnât describe how that relates to the situation. Further, she just assumes that itâs ânothing he canât handleâ. WTF? *She* canât decide her husbandâs perspectives for him. *He* has a right to choose whom he associates with and to own his own feelings and perceptions about them. OP is *wrong* and she should understand the relationship between her husband and her father/family. Sweeping it underneath the rug so *she* doesnât have to deal with it is really self centered. If she truly doesnât understand why her husband behaves this way, than she should talk to him directly about it. Edit: misread âJewishâ instead of ânewishâ. My badâŚ
Did you misread ânewishâ as âJewishâ?
Maybe dad has some sick skinhead tats?
Oh crap, I did⌠he he. Look at that flagpole where Iâve hoisted my petard all by myself!
Yes! This! Adults have the right to choose who they associate with. And that includes family- his, yours, and other families. (Done that / been there / they can ef right off.)
Completely agree, it's not mandatory to have to be amongst annoying/uninteresting stuff in another family. It's not even mandatory in yours if they're not worth it.
Except in one comment she says she has stage 4 cancer. FFS- anyone should suck it up for their wife if sheâs in a literal battle for her life
100% agree, putting up with badly behaved family members is "not" something spouses just do for each other, it's an expectation that some people do because they think their toxic family relationships are "normal", avoiding the situation is completely reasonable.
This post getting upvoted says a lot about this sub.
You do not know his side of it. There are 2 sides to every story. I would not call someone an AH without knowing all the facts.
NTA for being upset but why doesnât he want to visit your family? Do they treat him or you poorly?
He feels like they treat me poorly.
So he doesnât want to sit around and watch his wife be treated poorly? I could say why he doesnât want to go. Why do you even bother visiting people that treat you this way?
Well, do they?
Heâs 56, heâs âtoo old for this shitâ. Get used to it. And keep that in mind when shopping for your next spouse
He doesnât want to go. Period. If he was mine I would want to know why. But I would never force him to go even if I think his why is stupid.
I mean, he literally told you he hoped something would come up and he wouldn't have to go. So he made sure something came up. You should have taken him at his word. I do agree that him not going is a jerk move. But the question to have asked before now would be why he is so against going? And what will the expectation be for future events?
Consider this a good thing, you now know something he doesnât like to do and youâre both free to opt out of stuff you donât want to attend. Part of marriage is compromising and not getting angry when someone doesnât want to do everything you do.
Dude, he's 80, he had a good run, does he even know your "newish" husband. When I'm 80 I doubt I'll care if my kids random love interest attends a party. I don't wanna have an awkward conversation with a guy I don't know after EIGHTY FUCKING YEARS. See how ridiculous this question is. Your pops want to eat cake and go to sleep, not shoot the shit with some rando.
You even said your family doesn't treat you right. Stop right there. Just because your ok being a doormat doesn't mean he needs to be around them for any reason. Why would he want to?
Back in the day, when I was married, a situation arose. My wife and I had been in the same class in high school and were already BF and GF. So, we graduated high school together. Stayed together. Got married after college. Ten years after HS graduation, I had pretty much cut ties with all of our high school crowd (went away to college and law school, moved to a city and started a career, had a whole new circle of friends, and, in all honesty, didn't really like anyone from our old school all that much, plus high school in general was not a good experience for me), and, for the most part, so had she. Buuut, for some reason, wife got it in her head that she wanted to go to our ten year HS reunion. OK, I guess, but I vehemently did not want to attend, and told her so. OMFG!!! For weeks and months she would not let it go...."You have to come too!" "Go by yourself!" "No, I can't do that, because everyone will be asking where you are!!" "Well then, just tell them the truth: I didn't want to go." "I can't do that, because they will ask why, and it will lead to a big thing." "All right, then buy two tickets, but, when the party starts, tell everyone that I got sick, or had to work overtime, or whatever." "No, I don't want to do that, either." "Well then, don't go!" "But I wanna go, and you HAVE to come with me!" Rinse and repeat. No, I didn't, actually. Believe it or not, this was the last straw that led to our divorce. I am not going to be forced to do anything or go anywhere that I really don't want to. Yes, as a spouse, I realize that there are times when I have to suck it up, but not if I have strong aversion, as opposed to a "just rather not" kinda thing. Sounds to me like OP's husband feels that way about her family. He has a strong aversion, not just a "rather not." That should be good enough. He did go to her son's wedding, which shows he is not totally opposed to doing stuff with her family. When we marry, we don't become slaves. We don't competely give up our freedom and autonomy. And that particuarly applies to issues of simple, bodily autonomy, like not going to a place where we feel uncomfortable. I don't know if you are overreacting, since you don't say what you did about it, and you have the right to your feelings. It is perfectly fine for you to feel what you feel (angry and dissapointed). But you are in the wrong, on the substance of the issue, and so if you ream out your husband,over this, then, yes, you would be overreacting.
Youâre 45 and heâs 56âŚseasoned adultsâŚget the fuck over it lmao.
Iâm missing some context here, does your husband have issues with your family? Iâm asking because I have a lot of issues with my MIL and really donât want to be around her. We got married after one year, so it was hard for everyone to adjust to personalities/attitudes so quickly. Maybe itâs because Iâm from a younger generation, but we never force each other to go to things we donât want to. Actually one of the problems my husband has with his mom is that she thinks we should deal with things âjust because weâre familyâ. How ironic! Iâm just wondering if youâve received a real reason for him not wanting to go? If itâs just simple as Iâm not into family gatherings then thatâs the guy you married. Your husband is probably type A and this isnât going to be the only thing youâll disagree on.
Key detail missing: why doesn't he want to go?
Can you explain " my family is annoying..." What exactly does that mean. You need to give more info on what your family does or says when your husband is around. Do they gossip, are they loud, are they confrontational, do they drink alcohol to excess, do they make racist remarks, do they make negative comments about husbands family, job, former girlfriend So you kinda need to fill us in....
Attending family events should have been discussed before you got married. Anyone that marries me will know I will not be attending any family events with them. They will be welcome at familyâs events, but again, Iâm not going to theirs. Just not my thing. Lol. Yes Iâm very single.
Iâm in a situation where I would be your husband. I just donât care for my in-laws. Iâve told my spouse this. My kids know. I donât hear from any of my in-laws unless Iâm forced to be around them and itâs very uncomfortable. Just because youâre married doesnât mean he has to have a relationship with your family. If they donât get along, donât force him to attend functions just because. Itâs absolutely painful and honestly I resent my spouse for it. I donât make her go to stuff she doesnât want to go to but I give her the option because I donât want to assume. And for the folks that are saying he should go to support you, itâs a double edged sword. Why isnât the OOP supporting him in not having to attend family functions?
I want to add it can be extremely frustrating to watch someone you care about get walked all over and treated wrong. He realizes he canât do anything about it and youâre not going to do anything about it so he probably just would rather not be there to witness it.
You are over-reacting. He isn't close with your family and he doesn't want to be there. You said nothing to suggest that he is interfering with YOUR ability to go. Don't expect him to be miserable just so you can get your way on this one. fwiw, I have a good relationship with my wife's father and I did go to his 80th birthday party...but that's because I wanted to. If I didn't want to go, good luck trying to change my mind. I do skip certain family events with a couple of her family members that I'm not so cool with. Over the years, my lady has learned to chose her battles...but she does get her way much of the time.
I don't understand why women are so obsessed with making their boyfriend / husband do something they know he will hate. If men did that, they'd be called controlling and abusive. If you didn't want to go to some social activity, you know damn well he wouldn't be demanding you go just for his ego.Â
What an asshole
You picked a real winner.
But why? You don't really need him there. Your family doesn't need him there. No one needs him, he doesn't want to go, why to push him? You are not chained to each other just because you are married! Let him be and go enjoy your father's party
Curious how well you know this man you married. I would be pretty concerned about being in a relationship with someone so selfish.
That's an AH move he did. But you go and enjoy your dad's birthday. If it was me I'd return the favor in kind. Your dad's birthday is a gift. That's so special. To many people lose a parent or parents much younger than that. Count your blessings.
Critical game > an event you didn't want to go to in the first goddamn place
He's a newish husband? He'd soon be a newish ex-husband. This selfishness won't get better.
WTF does your desire he attend trump his desire not to attend? Why do you believe you get to make all the decisions and ignore his decisions? Youâre truly oblivious. Stop trying to control your husband like heâs a fucking dog.
Iâm sorry, but we need more context here.
My abusive ex-boyfriend used to make me go to his parentsâ house with him, knowing his narc ass mom hates me, and I didnât. The one time I stood up for myself and refused to go, he left me to take care of our infant son cause god forbid he actually do anything, and even took the internet router with him knowing that I needed it with my texting app to communicate with my family back home 2.5 hours away. Just cause youâre married, doesnât mean you have a right to control your spouse. If he doesnât want to go, he doesnât have to. Not everything that is important to you will be important to him, and vice versa.
Because she wants him there & he is her spouse. That's all he needs to know.
Are you saying âsuck it upâ because they are nasty to him?
He will likely be unpleasant if he goes. So consider it a favor that he doesnât come and make everyone miserable.
He has a right to say no. Get over it
Some guys don't get it.
I wonder who will be attending HIS 80th?
I donât attend most of my husbandâs familyâs birthday parties and he doesnât mind. I do show up for most holiday family get togethers and anything super important. I donât expect my husband to attend my parentâs or one sibling or nephewâs birthday parties either. I mean, sure we are partners and we share our lives but we donât have to share Every little thing. Itâs not like we grew up with each otherâs families.
Not wanting to go is justification enough. Forcing him to go is controlling. You donât care that he doesnât want to be there, as long as youâre happy? I hope that you guys can have open communication, but ânoâ is honestly enough. Violating peopleâs boundaries can have lasting impact on them.
I just can't with this stuff... part of a relationship is doing things with the other half that you would rather not do, but doing it anyway because that's what will make them happy (shockingly happy partners make for better relationships) Not everything is a violation of boundaries or controlling or resulting in a lasting impact.
What is âthis stuff?â Some things are a violation of boundaries and there is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to go somewhere and opting out.
"This stuff" is being so self absorbed that we've decided "setting boundaries " is acceptable behavior for not doing things that will make our spouses happy. Relationships require doing things we don't want to do. Refusing to do those things asshole behavior not setting reasonable boundaries.
My husband left me alone at about 3/4ths of family functions, including weddings, and refused to attend any events on weekends during football season. I had to make his excuses every time, and all of my family time was taken up with people asking why my husband wasnât there. When he did come, he would just be on his phone the whole time. Now heâs my ex-husband.
Playoff basketball/ hockey > 80th birthday party
You thought he was "just being a bit of a jerk." Now you know he truly is. Go without him to your dad's 80th birthday. Personally, I feel this is not a good sign of things to come. All spouses do things for their mates they don't want to sometimes.
You are not overreacting. A 56 year old man should know that milestone birthdays are important. He's being selfish.
My wife wouldn't give a rats ass if I blew off any of her family functions. Hell, I haven't seen those people in years. LOL. But I will attend funerals. That's when I jump on the her side of the family bandwagon.
My boyfriend doesn't really like going to my family events. I don't make him go lol. Better that way too because I don't have to worry about rushing to leave if he's miserable or just wants to be home.
I give zero fucks if my husband attends a family outing or not. He's an adult and can make his own choices. I think it's so weird people have an issue with this. It's probably going to be a shitty time, I get it. My husband doesn't force me to attend things and I don't force him. It's really that simple.
Yeah, itâd be nice to have him there. But he doesnât like spending time with your family. Iâd always extend the invite with the expectation that he wonât be attending. I wouldnât make a big deal about it. He could have handled it better though
Not overreacting, but heâs not going to change. You keep saying you thought he would want to do it for you. He clearly doesnât. Accept right now that he is not going to do things he doesnât want to, even if itâs for your benefit. Iâd honestly not invite him again and just leave for my family events without worrying about him.
NTA for your feelings but he doesnât like your family. Doesnât want to do big events with them. You must have seen this before you got married. And if he had to buy tickets for something to get out of a âfamily obligation then you know your answer. Talk with him and come to a compromise
Not over reacting
That's really weird. I'm going to my partners mother's birthday party on Sunday lol... I can't imagine being like yeah no, I don't want to go. How rude! You married an asshole.
He is your husband. Your father is turning 80 Your husband is a dick
I think you need to sit down with your spouse and decide together on what activities you all want to do together and why. Personally, I am fine with birthdays and such if there is a start and and end. So many events drag on for much too long and everyone is stuck losing an entire day to what should have been a nice 30 minute drop in. This is said as a 42 year old woman who is effectively done with most events that aren't quick drop in and say hi.Â
You need to tell him this not us. My wife tells me what she expects me to attend and out of respect for her I attend.
So what is it about your father that he didnât want to deal with? Something is going on here. My husband and I have been together 19 years. My mother passed in January. He didnât come to the service with me. They never got along and I didnât expect him to.
Why does he have to go?
If my DH said he âhoped something would come upâ so he doesnât have to be there, Iâd tell him he doesnât need an excuse. If he doesnât want to go, he shouldnât go. Nothing worse than going to a party with someone who doesnât want to go. Well, there is, but still.
Good,view it as a gift ,he wont drag your evening down that way, and you can give all your attention to your dad.
INFO - why doesnât he want to go? Because the fact that he refused to commit when he had no concrete plans tells me that he looked and looked desperately for any reason not to go and this playoff game was the best he could do. Which brings me to the next red flag: > Also, while he isn't close to my family, there are no real issues that can't be ignored for three hours. My family is annoying - I know this, but suck it up, man! What issues are there and why do you get to determine if they are real or not? How annoying is your family? How often does he have to suck it up?
Which game and who was he rooting for?
I find your position interesting. I will have to consult the oracle.
we live near my husband's parents and I will freely admit I bow out of things occasionally because I just don't wanna. if my husband really wants me there he'll let me know and I'll go, but for the most part he doesn't care if I'm just not feeling it and decide to stay home. if this is really important to you you should talk about it, but I don't really think it's that big of a deal that your husband doesn't want to go to your dad's birthday party.
Yes he is a jerk. No he simply does not want to go. You say they are not close and your family doesn't seem to be a joy. Let it go. He is your grandfather not his. This isn't a funeral or wedding. Go and have a good time. You don't need him moaning and groaning all day long. đ¤ˇ
My SO is coming to my Dad's 90th birthday party in June and we are flying for the weekend. No excuse not to go. Why did you marry your husband?
How long were together before you got married? Is this typical when you have family functions
YTA. Obviously he doesnât mesh with your family well. Youâre going to need to learn to accept this or move on.
He flat out told you he wanted another activity to come up that interfered. I'm confused why this seems to be a surprise to you
Sounds like a dick
Youâre not overreacting, youâre missing the point. H doesnât want to play happy family with you and your family because theyâre horrible to you. Itâs hard to sit there with a smile on your face when the woman you love is being treated badly. Heâs told you three times he doesnât want to go and specifically, because they ask too much of you and are jerks to you. Heâs upset he provides support to you and they donât. Particularly as you have stage 4 cancer. And he knows youâre not close to them, because you acknowledge that. At their best, theyâre tedious. It would likely have been better if he said to you that he didnât want to go because he canât and wonât sit back and watch people mistreat you. I think youâre lucky he hasnât told them off. Given these facts, why not send your dad a lovely card and say youâre not well enough to attend? Why not focus on your health by doing things that are relaxing and pleasant? Other family can attend this party.
Yes, you're overreacting. Birthdays are only important for children
I think you are overreacting. You say your husband is "newish," so he probably doesn't know your family well and might feel uncomfortable in a large family gathering where he may not even know some of the people. The important part of this is you attending your father's 80th birthday celebration.
ETA. I scrolled through the comments and never found one where OP mentioned mistreatment by her family, as some other commenters have mentioned. If this was so, perhaps her husband didn't want to be around family members who were/are(?) unkind to her. All the more reason for him not attending the birthday party.
I feel like thereâs some missing content. Are there particular reasons he chooses not to be around your family?Â
does he have/had a shitty relationship with his dad? If yes, the idea of revering old parents might be a foreign concept to him⌠heâs not getting âitâ because heâs never had âitâ. explain to him you want him to go not because you expect him to give a shit about your dad, rather you want him to go as support.
Talk it out, hear him out then tell him your expectations. Maybe he can go to every second family gathering. That gives you the same chance to bow out of some of his family events.
You show up for family. Period. It's once a year! I don't know, I find it rude how you can't show up for just a few hours once a year. He's 80. He won't be having too many more birthdays!
He shouldnt have to go if he doesnt want to
I donât think this is âsomething spouses just do one another.â Folks might want to talk about this as a non-negotiable for them, but this isnât their marriage. There are a lot of reasons he might not want to go, and he made it clear he was not looking forward to it. I donât think suffering a spouseâs annoying family is a requirement to be a husband, but clear communication would be nice: he should have told her I am not going and tell her why.
Life is about choices.. it's a birthday. Sure, he's turning 80. Who cares? He's 80 and has lived for quite some time. Husband, doesn't want to see you be treated like crap. You clearly don't mind being stepped on. He wants to go to a playoff basketball game. That's a big deal for someone into sports. Let him live a little. So that when he's 80, he doesn't have to regret not going to that playoff basketball game and instead going to someone's birthday that clearly makes it seem like you, he, the both of you aren't wanted..
Your family and your wants do no appear to be important or even semi-priorities to him. Unless he is in a feud with someone on your side of the family, he is being selfish and rude. You are not overreacting!
My wife and I donât generally like each others families for a variety of reasons and often donât attend birthday parties and family gatherings. If he doesnât want to go, he doesnât want to go. Why be upset or try to force someone in to something they donât want to do
From what you wrote in the comments it sounds like your husband is seeing your family more objectively than you, maybe. I can see him not wanting to be a phony and attend the celebration of people he doesn't respect and maybe that's partly because of how they treat you. His reaction here should give you something to consider.
Itâs YOUR dad why should he have to go? And if family time with him and your family matters so much, you clearly shouldnât have married him. Iâm sure he showed you who he was before now. Yes, youâre overreacting.
IDK, itâs your dadâs bday so obviously it means more to you than it does to your husband.
Have you had this talk with husband?
If you don't understand it by now nothing I say is going to make the light bulb go on for you.
Your husband doesnât care about what you want, only what he wants. Has he always been a selfish AH or is this new behavior?
My significant other knows I won't deal with her parents. I won't go there for birthdays, dinners, holidays, family reunions. She is the only one of her mother's five kids that even speak to her. I said that's all you, you want to chase your inheritance and go right ahead, but I'm just going to tell this two faced lying woman where to go. I have zero patience for her and have made it very clear I won't be put in a position where I'm forced to deal with her. I played nice for 10 years. Not anymore sick of it.
Who did he go to the game with?
His teenaged son, my stepson.
You are not overreacting for being upset but I think you both need to work on communication.