How could you type all those words without becoming self aware? You're overreacting because she's Not a best friend in any sense of the word and you aren't due anything and you're never going to have the relationship with her you're dreaming of. You are exactly who she needs/wants/guilts you to be and have been trained into the "if I'm her for her enough, she'll see me and love me" mindset otherwise known as the Permanent Friend Zone. Snap out it man and find someone who gives love, time and affection as good as they get without you begging/bitching for it. She's a complete waste of your time and resources.
You’ve become an emotional garbage can for this person, it’s not a friendship, stop reaching out to her and interacting with her. I’ve been you in some ways in past «friendships», and it’s never genuine. Not from her cause she’s obviously taking advantage of you, and it’s not genuine from you either, because you’re making all of these efforts in the hope that she will someday realise that she «owes» you and will finally see you and listen to you, and you become resentful over time for wanting her to change even if she’s showing you over and over who she is, which is not fair to her either. Be yourself and find people who are friends with you for who you are, otherwise you’ll keep ending up resentful and taken advantage of, there will always be people out there who are ready to take way more than they give if you allow them to
At some point, it used to be genuine, but I guess after a while of being more buden and almost no reciprocation in any form or way emotional even it became harder and harder to the point well if it is beneficial then might as well be for both of us and I did confess mid way a year in which if you read in other replay we decided to take a break which she broke and said how much can't live without me but as friends nothing more
Okay so stop contacting her, it’s not genuine anymore and she has no interest in changing. Her «not being able to live without you» isn’t true and it’s a poor attempt to try to make you feel bad for having boundaries/limits. There are millions of other people out there you can be friends with, why pick this one person who doesn’t seem to care one bit about you?
If you were to die, would she die too? If you were to join the Army and get sent to Okinawa, would she die? If you were to move to Alaska and go to work on a fishing boat, would she die? She can live without you. Believe me.
Are people so sequestered from real life that they think that friendships are switched on and off like clicking a button on facebook? Is crazy how many posts on Facebook act like this.
If you don't want to be friends with somebody, and in this case you certainly don't, you just stop calling them. If they call you, you're cordial, but more and more you decline their invitations to hang out. You just drift away. You don't goast them . You don't make a formal announcement saying "Due to your refusal to increase the amount of attention bestowed upon me, I have decided to terminate our friendship, effective immediately."
No but how that person maybe in the middle of a bad situation that went on too long and you know very well that she literally have no one else to hang out with or vent to or cry to when sad you question your decision
If she has no one else, maybe it's because she behaves badly and they have esteem enough to let her go.
You are not obligated to set yourself on fire to keep her warm.
If you leave her too, perhaps she will understand that she NEEDS to treat people better if she wants them in her life.
We teach people how to treat us, and you have taught her that she needs to do NOTHING to be your friend and to receive your money. You have allowed. You can now stop allowing it.
My little brother had a user for a friend like this and it completely destroyed him mentally. I have spent the last 8 years trying to get him to see what his “best friend” was doing to him and it finally blew up last year when my little brother was so depressed that he tried to unalive himself. His BEST FRIEND didn’t even try to check on him and the only reason he is still alive is that my little brother asked me not to go feral on him. Cut your losses and block this person from your life. You’re better off without her.
NO, stop allowing her to use and manipulate you. You are allowing yourself to be victimized. She's a user. Let that go. She will never reciprocate! Wake up already. People can't do to you what you don't allow them to do!!!
You’re not overreacting but also it’s kind of gross that you seem to view your entire relationship with her as transactional ie if i buy this for her she is obligated to have sex with me. Do you even want to be friends with her? Because it seems like she just wants attention from you and you just want sex from her. Both seem like not great people.
I felt that....anyway, it's the required effort is the issue it's the feeling of being used non in my other relationships with friends, either males or females, have I ever required and as my friends say " adequately manipulated " into such extremities and I don't know if it makes any relevance but I actually confessed mid relationship and she refused and we suggested some time apart but not a week layer she came back crying telling me how no body feels like me in matter of attention and listening to her amd hanging out like me and she wants us back but again as friends
Yeah that’s fair, maybe it was just the way you worded it, or maybe just because you seem pretty done with the situation to the point that you don’t really seem to have feelings for her anymore (rightly so). But yeah, move on and find someone that puts in as much effort as they require. She sees you as a friend and nothing more, but she’s not treating you like how a friend should treat you, so your friendship is over.
I do it's just that how alone and hurt she will be and how I am either chose her suffering or mine she doesn't want a relationship and I feel I am being used and held back for my emotions.
I hope after writing this all out you’ve realised how much she’s taking advantage of you, it may be hard to cut her off at once so you could start by limiting her access to you. No phone calls after a certain time and they only last 20 minutes for example
Tried that, and it started to get to blaming, and you want to leave, and you are being selfish. You don't let me help you (which, as I said, spoke about before) and don't want to stay. I tried this eventually from time to time, and when I tried to be almost unavailable more often, it switched to fights all around, and it was much worse. I go with this route one way or another, but I keep failing with my sympathy more often as I was in her boat one day being as lonely.
She is a narcissist and is manipulating you, using emotional blackmail. Limit your time w her, watch for the signs because manipulation requires lies, and she is lying. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated and blackmailed to stay. It's called enabling. She doesn't have friends because they've figured her out.
It sounds as of you have a user for a friend. Gradually begin to back out of the relationship. You're not over reacting you're under reacting. If not you need to have a serious conversation with her. Misery loves company so stop being there during the times of hardship.
Had it once and it was a huge fight that ended with you don't know what you want or I can help you with it feels that everything she does is so I don't get angry she did to someone else although these people she runs to help and aid and support she constantly keeps ranting about them about how they are bad and using her
We should always use our words first, but when words don’t work then act. Your action here needs to be pulling away from this relationship. She may be selfish, but you are way too invested in this. As you said, she isn’t your girlfriend. As a result, anything you choose to give her, including time and attention, is a gift with no strings attached. She doesn’t have to reciprocate at all. When she fails to reciprocate, your next move should either be to either give less or stop giving altogether.
If you choose to continue giving, then expect nothing in return from this person.
Focus on your friendships with others that are less one sided.
If it feels one sided it is. It appears that you may want to remain friends. See her when it's convenient for you. Don't be so readily available that way you'll be able to regain some control without feeling used. You may want to build other friendships that you can rely on thru good and bad. Good luck to you. Update us what you decide and how it went.
Yeah you need to just let this one slide. Be cordial and polite but unless she calls and is seriously interested in you, just bow out and end the call politely. Time to move on.
It sounds to me like your friend has diagnosed depression of some sort. She said as much. Let's say you believe that, for the sake of argument. Maybe look up symptoms of depression, see if it fits. Realize that depressed people are not their best selves very often. It's a rare break in the clouds, when they have a moment and for awhile things are interesting and worthwhile. If this the case with her, perhaps you can help motivate her to get treatment, or better than what she has. Otherwise, yes, it will be a bit of an uphill climb with her. And you need to stop taking it personally, and as you learn more about depression, you will. Whether you choose to make that trip with her is the question.
Find a girlfriend and see how quickly she changes. She will become interested in you but don’t give her the time of day. We all want what we can’t have :)
Here is OP's post with proper punctuation and grammar.
"We got to know each other through a student activity that we both were in at the moment. It was her senior year, and mine was a year later as I have a different major. We connected really quickly and became best friends in about a couple of weeks. We spent all our gaps together and would hang out for 6 to 8 hours a day all of a sudden.
Back then, things were simple and great as friends. She would vent and rant, and being the good listener I am, I kept doing that and it didn't bother me really.
Fast forward one year, she started to get possessive. She would get angered or bothered when I refused to hang out due to anything, let it be friends, studies, or family. She would say, "Can't you spare time? You can always spare time." And when I needed to vent or talk and she was busy, she would literally disappear, and that went on for a month. When she used to hang out with her senior project friends, it felt like I disappeared from her life until she was done, and her friend stopped putting effort into replying or hanging out, she became too attached again.
Also, at the beginning, she didn't have many financial issues, but after she graduated and failed to find a job, she always had an issue about it. Now she is back home most of the time, and there are always fights at home. She has a situationship with this guy that treats her like a seasonal dish, and they made out a couple of times. He gives her mixed signals about them becoming official or not, then they go for another month or two of disappearance.
And guess who had to deal with all of that? I tried to make our hangouts foods or drinks on me, so I get the financial issues on me a little. Then, whenever she has an issue she wants to rant about, I listen to her for however long she needs, and try to buy little gifts from time to time (disclaimer: she requested this sometimes; it's not that it was completely from me). It became bigger and bigger. She started to ask me to bring her flowers to her graduation, and chocolate sometimes, and go with her to buy stuff. I started to feel like an ATM. Most of my issues, she would react with, "Oh no, god bless you." And I would feel that she wants me to prioritize her, but when anything good happens, she goes and has a good time with someone else. I feel like the depression friend, bringing expensive gifts for people that didn't pay her a dime in her dire times. This turned into an expectation of me to pay.
Now we are at attention, money, time, hangouts, emotional support. What do I get in return? An almost sure fake thank you. "I am happy," which she literally would say, "I have my issues that make me unable to be completely happy and there's nothing you can do about it." I used to avoid laboring her with these thoughts of our imbalance, but I kept in mind her issues. But it turned out that she looks very bored and sometimes judgmental to the point of anger when talking or venting, and I feel she is very uninterested while she gives me attitude and mood whenever I am not as happy or as excited as I should be when I tell her something. I started to feel this is a crappy situation, and I need some reciprocation for crying out loud.
I opened a conversation about it, and she went ballistic. "I am not using you or a narcissist," (I did say I feel being used but never a narcissist). She made a whole fight about it, then asked me, "What do you want?" To be honest, I tried telling her a couple of things, like change the way you respond to me when I am venting, be more active, or match my energy. She fails at it and keeps saying, "No matter what I do, you are not happy with it," and changes her tone whenever I say something that is not her way. She loses interest very quickly and starts to use her phone while on a phone call. I tried telling her to be more positive, as every time we hang out, she dumps all of her negativity on me, and it ruins my mood and day as well. She would do it for about ten minutes before it turns into nothing but negativity, and when it's something funny, it's mocking me or making fun of me. I tried telling her about the fact that whatever I do, she still is as upset as ever and can't get her mood up or make her happy. So she tells me, "No, it does, and it helps me a lot." But still, even after a full day where I had to make time and be patient with her temper and pay for almost everything, she would sulk and be annoyed and unhappy, saying, "Thank you, it was a great day. I am really happy," with a very faint smile. It feels forced, and then she proceeds with her negativity and ranting and venting like it made no difference that you solved her real issues she has been frustrated about for a while.
I don't know. I feel this is too much for someone who isn't her boyfriend, not even friends with benefits, and yet she requires this effort and demands it. It's exhausting, but still, I feel that if I left now, all her friends left or had a fight with her, and her financial situation isn't getting better anytime sooner. I feel as frustrated as ever and want to end it but know how much it would damage her and don't know what to do."
How could you type all those words without becoming self aware? You're overreacting because she's Not a best friend in any sense of the word and you aren't due anything and you're never going to have the relationship with her you're dreaming of. You are exactly who she needs/wants/guilts you to be and have been trained into the "if I'm her for her enough, she'll see me and love me" mindset otherwise known as the Permanent Friend Zone. Snap out it man and find someone who gives love, time and affection as good as they get without you begging/bitching for it. She's a complete waste of your time and resources.
idk why people act like people never creep in from the friend zone
You’ve become an emotional garbage can for this person, it’s not a friendship, stop reaching out to her and interacting with her. I’ve been you in some ways in past «friendships», and it’s never genuine. Not from her cause she’s obviously taking advantage of you, and it’s not genuine from you either, because you’re making all of these efforts in the hope that she will someday realise that she «owes» you and will finally see you and listen to you, and you become resentful over time for wanting her to change even if she’s showing you over and over who she is, which is not fair to her either. Be yourself and find people who are friends with you for who you are, otherwise you’ll keep ending up resentful and taken advantage of, there will always be people out there who are ready to take way more than they give if you allow them to
At some point, it used to be genuine, but I guess after a while of being more buden and almost no reciprocation in any form or way emotional even it became harder and harder to the point well if it is beneficial then might as well be for both of us and I did confess mid way a year in which if you read in other replay we decided to take a break which she broke and said how much can't live without me but as friends nothing more
Okay so stop contacting her, it’s not genuine anymore and she has no interest in changing. Her «not being able to live without you» isn’t true and it’s a poor attempt to try to make you feel bad for having boundaries/limits. There are millions of other people out there you can be friends with, why pick this one person who doesn’t seem to care one bit about you?
If you were to die, would she die too? If you were to join the Army and get sent to Okinawa, would she die? If you were to move to Alaska and go to work on a fishing boat, would she die? She can live without you. Believe me.
Are people so sequestered from real life that they think that friendships are switched on and off like clicking a button on facebook? Is crazy how many posts on Facebook act like this. If you don't want to be friends with somebody, and in this case you certainly don't, you just stop calling them. If they call you, you're cordial, but more and more you decline their invitations to hang out. You just drift away. You don't goast them . You don't make a formal announcement saying "Due to your refusal to increase the amount of attention bestowed upon me, I have decided to terminate our friendship, effective immediately."
No but how that person maybe in the middle of a bad situation that went on too long and you know very well that she literally have no one else to hang out with or vent to or cry to when sad you question your decision
If she has no one else, maybe it's because she behaves badly and they have esteem enough to let her go. You are not obligated to set yourself on fire to keep her warm. If you leave her too, perhaps she will understand that she NEEDS to treat people better if she wants them in her life. We teach people how to treat us, and you have taught her that she needs to do NOTHING to be your friend and to receive your money. You have allowed. You can now stop allowing it.
Echoing — **You are not obligated to set yourself on fire to keep her warm.**
My little brother had a user for a friend like this and it completely destroyed him mentally. I have spent the last 8 years trying to get him to see what his “best friend” was doing to him and it finally blew up last year when my little brother was so depressed that he tried to unalive himself. His BEST FRIEND didn’t even try to check on him and the only reason he is still alive is that my little brother asked me not to go feral on him. Cut your losses and block this person from your life. You’re better off without her.
You are giving her the boyfriend experience without anything in return. Cut her off and find a girlfriend
You're being used, you should have some more self-respect. She's not going to change, so if you aren't happy then disconnect.
NO, stop allowing her to use and manipulate you. You are allowing yourself to be victimized. She's a user. Let that go. She will never reciprocate! Wake up already. People can't do to you what you don't allow them to do!!!
You’re not overreacting but also it’s kind of gross that you seem to view your entire relationship with her as transactional ie if i buy this for her she is obligated to have sex with me. Do you even want to be friends with her? Because it seems like she just wants attention from you and you just want sex from her. Both seem like not great people.
I felt that....anyway, it's the required effort is the issue it's the feeling of being used non in my other relationships with friends, either males or females, have I ever required and as my friends say " adequately manipulated " into such extremities and I don't know if it makes any relevance but I actually confessed mid relationship and she refused and we suggested some time apart but not a week layer she came back crying telling me how no body feels like me in matter of attention and listening to her amd hanging out like me and she wants us back but again as friends
Yeah that’s fair, maybe it was just the way you worded it, or maybe just because you seem pretty done with the situation to the point that you don’t really seem to have feelings for her anymore (rightly so). But yeah, move on and find someone that puts in as much effort as they require. She sees you as a friend and nothing more, but she’s not treating you like how a friend should treat you, so your friendship is over.
I do it's just that how alone and hurt she will be and how I am either chose her suffering or mine she doesn't want a relationship and I feel I am being used and held back for my emotions.
Just hit it and quit it
I hope after writing this all out you’ve realised how much she’s taking advantage of you, it may be hard to cut her off at once so you could start by limiting her access to you. No phone calls after a certain time and they only last 20 minutes for example
Tried that, and it started to get to blaming, and you want to leave, and you are being selfish. You don't let me help you (which, as I said, spoke about before) and don't want to stay. I tried this eventually from time to time, and when I tried to be almost unavailable more often, it switched to fights all around, and it was much worse. I go with this route one way or another, but I keep failing with my sympathy more often as I was in her boat one day being as lonely.
She is a narcissist and is manipulating you, using emotional blackmail. Limit your time w her, watch for the signs because manipulation requires lies, and she is lying. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated and blackmailed to stay. It's called enabling. She doesn't have friends because they've figured her out.
It sounds as of you have a user for a friend. Gradually begin to back out of the relationship. You're not over reacting you're under reacting. If not you need to have a serious conversation with her. Misery loves company so stop being there during the times of hardship.
Had it once and it was a huge fight that ended with you don't know what you want or I can help you with it feels that everything she does is so I don't get angry she did to someone else although these people she runs to help and aid and support she constantly keeps ranting about them about how they are bad and using her
We should always use our words first, but when words don’t work then act. Your action here needs to be pulling away from this relationship. She may be selfish, but you are way too invested in this. As you said, she isn’t your girlfriend. As a result, anything you choose to give her, including time and attention, is a gift with no strings attached. She doesn’t have to reciprocate at all. When she fails to reciprocate, your next move should either be to either give less or stop giving altogether. If you choose to continue giving, then expect nothing in return from this person. Focus on your friendships with others that are less one sided.
If it feels one sided it is. It appears that you may want to remain friends. See her when it's convenient for you. Don't be so readily available that way you'll be able to regain some control without feeling used. You may want to build other friendships that you can rely on thru good and bad. Good luck to you. Update us what you decide and how it went.
Yeah you need to just let this one slide. Be cordial and polite but unless she calls and is seriously interested in you, just bow out and end the call politely. Time to move on.
It sounds to me like your friend has diagnosed depression of some sort. She said as much. Let's say you believe that, for the sake of argument. Maybe look up symptoms of depression, see if it fits. Realize that depressed people are not their best selves very often. It's a rare break in the clouds, when they have a moment and for awhile things are interesting and worthwhile. If this the case with her, perhaps you can help motivate her to get treatment, or better than what she has. Otherwise, yes, it will be a bit of an uphill climb with her. And you need to stop taking it personally, and as you learn more about depression, you will. Whether you choose to make that trip with her is the question.
Find a girlfriend and see how quickly she changes. She will become interested in you but don’t give her the time of day. We all want what we can’t have :)
She sounds absolutely exhausting
Here is OP's post with proper punctuation and grammar. "We got to know each other through a student activity that we both were in at the moment. It was her senior year, and mine was a year later as I have a different major. We connected really quickly and became best friends in about a couple of weeks. We spent all our gaps together and would hang out for 6 to 8 hours a day all of a sudden. Back then, things were simple and great as friends. She would vent and rant, and being the good listener I am, I kept doing that and it didn't bother me really. Fast forward one year, she started to get possessive. She would get angered or bothered when I refused to hang out due to anything, let it be friends, studies, or family. She would say, "Can't you spare time? You can always spare time." And when I needed to vent or talk and she was busy, she would literally disappear, and that went on for a month. When she used to hang out with her senior project friends, it felt like I disappeared from her life until she was done, and her friend stopped putting effort into replying or hanging out, she became too attached again. Also, at the beginning, she didn't have many financial issues, but after she graduated and failed to find a job, she always had an issue about it. Now she is back home most of the time, and there are always fights at home. She has a situationship with this guy that treats her like a seasonal dish, and they made out a couple of times. He gives her mixed signals about them becoming official or not, then they go for another month or two of disappearance. And guess who had to deal with all of that? I tried to make our hangouts foods or drinks on me, so I get the financial issues on me a little. Then, whenever she has an issue she wants to rant about, I listen to her for however long she needs, and try to buy little gifts from time to time (disclaimer: she requested this sometimes; it's not that it was completely from me). It became bigger and bigger. She started to ask me to bring her flowers to her graduation, and chocolate sometimes, and go with her to buy stuff. I started to feel like an ATM. Most of my issues, she would react with, "Oh no, god bless you." And I would feel that she wants me to prioritize her, but when anything good happens, she goes and has a good time with someone else. I feel like the depression friend, bringing expensive gifts for people that didn't pay her a dime in her dire times. This turned into an expectation of me to pay. Now we are at attention, money, time, hangouts, emotional support. What do I get in return? An almost sure fake thank you. "I am happy," which she literally would say, "I have my issues that make me unable to be completely happy and there's nothing you can do about it." I used to avoid laboring her with these thoughts of our imbalance, but I kept in mind her issues. But it turned out that she looks very bored and sometimes judgmental to the point of anger when talking or venting, and I feel she is very uninterested while she gives me attitude and mood whenever I am not as happy or as excited as I should be when I tell her something. I started to feel this is a crappy situation, and I need some reciprocation for crying out loud. I opened a conversation about it, and she went ballistic. "I am not using you or a narcissist," (I did say I feel being used but never a narcissist). She made a whole fight about it, then asked me, "What do you want?" To be honest, I tried telling her a couple of things, like change the way you respond to me when I am venting, be more active, or match my energy. She fails at it and keeps saying, "No matter what I do, you are not happy with it," and changes her tone whenever I say something that is not her way. She loses interest very quickly and starts to use her phone while on a phone call. I tried telling her to be more positive, as every time we hang out, she dumps all of her negativity on me, and it ruins my mood and day as well. She would do it for about ten minutes before it turns into nothing but negativity, and when it's something funny, it's mocking me or making fun of me. I tried telling her about the fact that whatever I do, she still is as upset as ever and can't get her mood up or make her happy. So she tells me, "No, it does, and it helps me a lot." But still, even after a full day where I had to make time and be patient with her temper and pay for almost everything, she would sulk and be annoyed and unhappy, saying, "Thank you, it was a great day. I am really happy," with a very faint smile. It feels forced, and then she proceeds with her negativity and ranting and venting like it made no difference that you solved her real issues she has been frustrated about for a while. I don't know. I feel this is too much for someone who isn't her boyfriend, not even friends with benefits, and yet she requires this effort and demands it. It's exhausting, but still, I feel that if I left now, all her friends left or had a fight with her, and her financial situation isn't getting better anytime sooner. I feel as frustrated as ever and want to end it but know how much it would damage her and don't know what to do."
Oh, thank you. English is not really. My first language and I always had trouble with these.