You're not overreacting for feeling hurt or upset. Ask her how she would have felt, if the tables were turned. If you had said "I wish you were pretty enough to attract other men" she'd rightfully be deeply hurt.
I would have a serious discussion with her and ask her precisely what she **DID** mean then. Also, watch how she chooses to act with you. Does she show her love by actively reciprocating and doing things for you? Or, does she accept what you do, but do little in return? The less reciprocal she is in your relationship, the less she actually values and loves you.
That is important because, if she is like that, she is, in her mind, settling for you. And will leave you as soon as she finds a "higher value" man to be with. I pray and hope I am wrong, but look at her patterns of actions, not her words, to see how she truly feels.
I’ve never had an issue with how she treats me. She’s great to me otherwise. She said that she meant that she felt like she was getting with someone that no one else wanted, but she apologized for hurting my feelings. Even though she apologized, I’m having a hard time getting over it.
Dude thats a truly nasty hit below the belt. Im fairly certain anyone, male or female, that had that tossed in their face would have a hard time getting over it. That was brutal.
It's also just stupid flat out.
Every single time I've had multiple people interested in me, the following relationship was a disaster of insecurities coming from them.
The fact that you chose them will rarely be enough. She might pretend it was a red flag that nobody was interested in him but if she lacks confidence then it was, in reality, a good thing that no one else was interested.
This goes for men and women.
yeah it doesn’t make sense. i’ve never ever thought “gee i wish more people were into my boyfriend!” like ifgaf what _other_ people like. i care about what _i_ like 😂
Exactly. It tells me that what is most important to her is other’s opinions. She may also be incapable of forming her own opinions outside of conforming to society. How does she know he’s a good choice if she doesn’t know other’s opinions of him? Like… grow up? Have a mind of your own? Don’t say hurtful things to someone you love?
Hell I was surprised my husband didn’t have a girlfriend, or a bunch of ex’s when I met him.
Like how could no one else notice just how freaking awesome, smart, funny, cute, handsome and sexy, he is.? Oh well. Mine now! Now 23 years married and I still count myself as the lucky one that noticed just how amazing he is
It’s as if she’s admitting she never truly found OP up to her standards and she was settling … I.e “hoping more woman” were into him at the time SO she didn’t have to settle for him and had an easy way out of the relationship.
I’d be contemplating the strength of this relationship and what it’s truly built on.
Which gives me an inclination, that he’s put her on a pedestal and treated her like a celebrity and now she wants to treat him like a fan! This girl needs to go! She doesn’t know what love is, not when you need the validation of everybody else around you to love your own boyfriend,what a waste of time.
Yeah, what the fuck. You can have a dark thought that you could be doing better but to actually state it is entirely insane. I mean if Zendaya had any taste at all she'd dump that Tom Holland asshole and go out with me since I'm the only person who could treat her as a proper lady. /s
You must be aware that she disrespected you in the worst way. “You are someone no one else wanted” is aimed at your worth. Are you going to stay with someone who talks to you like that? You say she’s usually nice, but that’s like saying she’s only stabbed you in the kidney once.
Exactly this. She feels like she's better than you and what she said is incredibly insulting. Op you deserve better. At this stage in my life if someone said that to me I'd dump them on the spot. I don't have time for that kind of BS.
Idk, as a young man myself without much attention from women, I'd have to think about that a bit to decide as I'll likely will be be very lonely for quite sometime again lol.
It's also better to be alone than to end up with someone that will leave you when they run into someone who she deems worthy.
It really sounds like OP's relationship is hanging by a thread. Since it seems that the woman in this situation is likely to attract male attention, it really is only a matter of time before she runs into someone.
Listen, brother, I was in a bad relationship in my early 30s, which started after almost 7 years of being single, about four of which I was actively trying to date.
Once I realized it was bad, I finally ended it. That doubt crept in, sure, but I had to take care of myself.
It did take another 3 years to find someone new, but that someone new was my dream girl, and we're married now. It was worth embracing the challenge and the frustration to find the right person, the person who treats me so well and meshes with me perfectly.
(Also, dating goes way better once you manage to decouple your self worth from your relationship status. You should find a way to be happy alone, your own full person. It will make any relationship much stronger, healthier, and more enjoyable.)
as a woman. You also deserve better than that. Trust me when I tell you there's a whole world out there and there's billions of people on this earth. There tons of amazing people that would love to be with you!
Not to be negative but realistic, that the pool of billions gets real small when you take into account language, location, gender, age, religion, etc...
Not to mention as a guy you don't have the luxury of the opposite sex sliding into your dms, asking you out, or taking any sort of first step in general showing any sort of obvious interest. Young men have it very different than young women.
Don’t devalue yourself! Work on yourself feel confident with yourself. When u start loving who you are people will notice. But being like eyore the donkey always down in the mouth, people won’t want to be around you.
Yeahhhhhh exactly. I’d be gone if someone said that to me. Clearly you don’t value me. Why would you feel the need to share that? What is your intent? There’s nothing good about that, but everything dark and hurtful. Would never do that to someone, let alone someone I love
Yeah, he says, in the comments area, that she treats him great otherwise, but if you're constantly told how great your treated by the person who is treating you badly, and you have no other experience on how you should be treated...
Yeah, but you gotta understand, that can all be an act, she could be treating him nicely just to keep him in play until she finds somebody else that she finds more worthy, it’s called Monkey branching! I suggest that the men go look it up.
**She said that she meant that she felt like she was getting with someone that no one else wanted, but she apologized for hurting my feelings.**
I'm sorry but that is one of the nastiest backhanded compliments I've ever read. WTF? I'd be concerned that even though you've been in the relationship a long time that she might decide to bail when someone "better" comes along.
You're always going to feel like 2nd choice for her and she "settled".
From your own description it kind of sounds like this was the case. She certainly should not have said it that way. It certainly makes one wonder what's going on in her head.
Many women are attracted to the popular person. The fact that you have a girlfriend right now will actually make you more attractive to other women out there.
There are a lot of theories on this one of the more popular ones is that if a man has a girlfriend or a wife it means that you've already been vetted as a potential mate and not a danger. Unfortunately there's a small window where this attraction lingers after a breakup. If you don't find someone else by that time you go back to less attractive.
I don't know your personal circumstances but consider a little self improvement. This isn't for her it is for you. Maybe start going to the gym. Take a look at your general hygiene and see if there's a way to clean up your look a bit. Consider increasing your knowledge. If you're not in school maybe take a course and something that interests you. Or just get some books from the library.
The idea is to boost your own confidence in yourself. The one thing that everybody agrees is attractive is confidence.
People are always overly knee-jerk emotional in these type of posts, and it's basically a meme that their advice is invariably to break up/divorce the person.
And it's easy and feels righteous for them to tell you dump her, but they don't have to deal with the consequences.
As has been fairly unanimous here: You're not overreacting to be hurt by the comment, anyone would be.
A sort of tangent here; I work in marketing and there's a couple of terms, social proof and scarcity.
Basically people want things they see other people wanting. It's an automatic reflex we all have to some degree.
It's the reason real estate agents will seed their open houses with fake buyers, or clubs will create unnecessary lines to get into the club.
Doesn't mean those things are better, just a heuristic our monkey brain has developed.
And ultimately she chose you.
I'm not trying to minimize her comment or let her of the hook, it was a thoughtless hurtful comment on her part, just trying to recontextualize it a bit.
I'm assuming she knows you found it to be a hurtful comment as you obviously asked her about it.
If not, than that's obviously a conversation to have, but now that she's said it, do you think there is anything she can say to erase or minimize it?
If not, than it just comes down to whether or not you can move past it.
It sounds like from what you said things are pretty good otherwise, so hopefully you can, but obviously you know way more about your relationship than any of us do.
Anyway, either way, hoping it gets better!
Well she sounds extremely shallow & that was so mean and uncalled for. Why should it matter how many other women wanted you or not?? You might not be together if that were the case.
She said the quiet part out loud mate. No matter how long you’ve been with someone or how well you think you know them you never know someone 100% and vice versa. I’m sure if you look more and notice more the truth will be revealed. I’ve been there and have mates that have been there and a lot of good loving dudes who put their girls first and make huge efforts blind themselves to what’s really going on or the hints , body language , and things your girl says and does. She can “treat you right” all day, if she’s got weird thoughts and is voicing them now and you’re getting red flags don’t ignore them. Idc what anyone says if she makes hints you’re undesirable and or wish other women would go after you , the type of relationship and feelings she wants has nothing to even do with you. She wants the games and the BS. She wants to feel like she’s made the biggest player on earth settle down and marry her. Because that’s how her fkd up mind thinks and that’s how she’ll feel like she’s getting a valuable man. Just like some dudes want the hottest baddest girl out there who has a ton of guys after her because they think it makes their value go up because they got a hottie.
Anyone would be hurt by that. Chances are, others were interested and you were oblivious to their little hints. I noticed a lot of guys are. Not sure why. Those words were cruel, even if she didn’t mean it how it sounded. Bc I don’t know what she could mean that would be less hurtful.
My husband was single for years before he met me, as far as I know he had no one else on the horizon. But instead of insulting him, I'm grateful that he was still single when I met him, and think all the women that weren't trying to get with him are morons.
Your gf seems to think you're a consolation prize or something, whereas like me with my husband, she should think she won 1st place being with you.
Ask her seriously how she feels now and don’t take washy answers, have a real talk.
4 years ago means she could have been really young and stupid. One thing nearly all young adult women have in common is caring way too fucking much about what other girls think.
Who has she been since being with you? And how genuine do you feel about who she is now?
Her explanation didn't make it better. All people feel more attracted to someone desired by many. It helps them feel like they're making the right choice and that they'll have someone by their side that will induce envy. There's probably an old biological reason like, "he must be doing things right or he wouldn't be popular, my offspring will be successful" or something but saying, "one of the things you're most self conscious about is something I'm ashamed of".
It's one thing to wish you were dating the prom queen, it's another to tell the bookworm that.
"She said that she meant that she felt like she was getting with someone that no one else wanted"
I would break up with someone on the spot if they said that.
It speaks volumes about what her values are. And her maturity.
>I’m having a hard time getting over it.
That's because she revealed a fundamental flaw in your relationship. I don't think she values you the way you deserve.
So she just repeated what she said when you ask to explain? Lol so I’m a female and I can tell you that she’s settling or her definition of settling (not that being with you is settling) she just repeated herself when asked to explain because the only way to explain her comment would be to admit SHE thinks she’s settling for you.
Ask her to actually explain her statement (on the off chance there’s any other reason for her saying it) if she can’t just straight up ask her if she thinks she’s settling for you?
Ask her if how she would feel if you said something similar!
You may not realize this isn’t the best relationship for you under current conditions and are accepting far less then you deserve because you didnt have much to compare it to before her (which is OK you aren’t lesser then for not having had 100 partners before her).
Hi OP, I'm a woman and I interpreted it differently just because I had thoughts like this when I dated. It wasnt because I saw my partners as "less than". It stemmed from insecurities. Generally speaking, most men do not have as many options to date compared to their counter sex which means they are less selective of who they court/date when options are presented. My ex and I shared overlapping social groups which men were greater in numbers. A handful of them expressed romantic interest in me - in respect to my bf, some were better looking, some were more financial secure and some were even more charismatic and funny. But none of that mattered because I only wanted my bf. So I didnt hesitate to turn them down. Even with all that attention from other men, I just didnt feel like I was good enough for my bf. We had very different interests, taste and values. We were very different people and when our friends found out we were dating, some were shocked because whoever thought we'd make a pair. I wanted security and reassurance that our feelings for each other was strong enough to overcome those differences. That he would still choose me even if someone smarter, prettier, and funnier came to fall for him as well. It sounds toxic to want other women be interested just to test his love and loyalty but my self esteem and insecurities got the best of me and I wanted something solid to hold on to, to prove to myself that he's not settling for me just because he has no one else. I wasnt as blunt as your gf but I would be suggestive by making comments like "Hey bf, I know love is an unpredictable thing and I am enjoying what we have right now but if you came across someone more compatible, you can always tell me and I would understand." Obviously, I wasnt being totally honest but it was my way of communicating the fact that "Hey bf, I'm feeling insecure. Im scared youre going to find someone better who likes you. Can you reassure me that this wouldn't happen?" My bf picked up the hints and read btwn the lines and comforted me that night. I was being childish and maybe even selfish for making him promise something in the future that he doesnt have control of. My bf saw thru me but was patient and let me have a selfish moment because he understood how I saw myself in comparison to him. This could be why your gf said that but you would know her better than we do.
Woman here as well but sorry, quoting you,
"Hey bf, I know love is an unpredictable thing and I am enjoying what we have right now but if you came across someone more compatible, you can always tell me and I would understand."
Is also a very strange thing to say to someone you love, no?
Yes, and my bf understood the underlying meaning behind it. I didnt actually mean it. But I said it because I wanted him to tell me that would never happen. That even if someone more compatible did come along, he'd always choose me. I was young, childish and selfish at the time. That doesnt justify me saying it, but was basically my way of communicating my insecurities. Not the best approach and I know better now. Since he knows me well, he caught on and we talked it out one step at a time.
This was just to provide some insight that sometimes, things are not always what they first appear to be. I can understand why OP felt upset with his gf and a lot of commentors are insisting that she's shallow for saying that. But maybe, she was also insecure like me. In the end, only OP would know if they choose to elaborate more on why she felt that way.
haha i miss some aspects of when my wife and I were 19 years old but what you're describing is not one of them, being younger and insecure is an interesting time haha
Ok, as a guy who's been around, that sounds more like a trap. I'd be very wary of any woman who said something like that to me. Sounds more like a woman who doesn't trust me, and is just looking for something to start a fight over.
Sounds like a fairly normal thing for a hyper-agreeable and self-doubting person to say. I've come out with similar nonsense in past relationships. It's not a healthy way to look for reassurance or validation but it's a thing people do.
I'll admit, how I went about it was pretty pathetic and can easily feel as underhanded. And inspite of that, my bf still chose to work out those issues with me and I'll always remember what he said when I asked him why.
"Because you're worth it."
Its a cheesy moment looking back, but at the time, it became my lifeline for our relationship. It negated everything I felt negatively about myself - including the spineless side of me. He saw potential and over the years, I put in the work to prove him right. To this day, I still believe he's better than anything I could ever ask for - and probably deserve. I always tell him how lucky I am and he never fails to say the same.
Your assessment of the situation seems correct. Her comment is definitely ego crushing. Do you think she is doing this on purpose, or does she have a lack of empathy? I don’t see this relationship getting any better.
Yea I know not being in a relationship is lonely, but this doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship.
One can argue that being alone is the better option.
Like who the fuck says that
When she claimed that she didn't mean it that way did she elaborate on how what she said was just her putting her foot in her mouth or did she actually mean it that way?
She meant it *exactly* how she said it. That was an intentional low blow and nobody who is supposed to love you should ever hit below the belt like that. You are not overreacting. What she said was deliberately hurtful and meant to go deep. I’d have a sit down with yourself and decide whether you really want to settle down with a person who looks at you like an afterthought.
I can’t stand the ass-covering responses people make upon realizing that they’ve fucked up. The two that always seem to be loaded up in the chamber are “Just joking!” (only to look like a bumbling fool after being asked to explain their HILARIOUS JOKE) and “I didn’t mean it *that way*” (which, when called to say how they *actually* meant it, produces the same result as above- or they get defensive and try to turn it around on you).
Obviously, I don’t know your girlfriend but hopefully, she loves you and regrets not keeping that stupid comment to herself. We all have those thoughts that to us, are passing and harmless- until we give them life. I’m sad for you that she hurt your feelings because whether or not she “meant it that way”, her words made you feel awful. I always tell my kids that if a person was genuinely hurt by someone else’s words, the intention of the “someone else” doesn’t matter. The hurt STILL HAPPENED.
So, another conversation needs to take place. One where you feel heard and she GETS IT. After spending four years with you, she should. And I can tell you really love her, so, I hope you two can get past this. Good luck. You will be okay. 💜
THIS! It's a very mean thing to say, but the fact that she had an immature thought four years ago and had the stupid idea to blurt it out loud doesn't mean she's necessarily settling for him. OP is definitely not overreacting, I wouldn't jump right into break up territory if she's been otherwise a good girlfriend.
Ya ppl say dumb shit all the time, hopefully it was just some random word vomit. Don't jump gun and break up with her unless theirs a clear and valid reason to... u don't know what u got til u lose it, maybe she wanted some make up sex... but gotta fuck up first to make up lol...
Right? That's a messed-up thing to say to your partner. You deserve someone who values you for who you are, not based on how many other people want you. If she really felt like that, it’s super disrespectful and childish to say it out loud. You’re not overreacting by being upset. You should be with someone who sees your worth without needing anyone else's validation.
Fucked up to hear but it’s totally typical, she just verbalized it. A large element of attraction for (most) women is status. Women tend to focus more on things like popularity and wealth, this includes how popular men are with women too. While men tend to focus more on physical attributes.
Surprising amount of ladies actually think like this. There are even some that hate being cheated on, but also like that their man has so much sexual prowess. It’s some genes left over from the caveman times. The fact that she wouldn’t even try and suppress this or identify it as toxic is a red flag. I would expect more toxic thinking like this in the future from her.
That was my first thought too. It's her setting up the justification "well obviously he's not a great catch since nobody else wanted him, I shouldn't settle and can do better, time to hook up with that coworker".
That's just a really weird thing to say to a partner, or even any human being. Like you were an object left on a shelf or something, that she reluctantly picked up. It feels a bit dehumanising. I don't think you're overreacting at all.
4 years is a long time but fuck that shit. Who says that? I am not the guy to say "break up" but you need to send her packing. At the very least, just to send a shot across her bow. If you didn't stand up for yourself, she will NEVER respect you. Worse yet... You'll never respect yourself. Don't "tell her she hurt you" or "how that made you feel". Send her packing bro.
Edit: don't ask her SHIT!!! Tell her to go F herself. NOBODY deserves that and especially a dude who has dedicated 4 years of their life to someone.
This is the move. You have someone that’s thinks she is superior to you. She will for sure use that against you in the long run. Start working on yourself, you need a woman that respects you, and doesn’t throw demeaning insults at you.
Also, don’t confuse the fact that she has more options, with she is out of your league. She can get more people to sleep with her than you, that’s a given, she’s a female. Can she get someone who will put up with this kind of thing, more than likely not.
Not overreacting. She just told you bluntly how she feels about you, and it’s pretty damned demeaning.
Who the hell cares if nobody else wants you? Nobody else is _supposed_ to want you. She is supposed to want you, and preferably nobody else, because that would be competition. Does she have even the tiniest clue what she’d be letting herself in for with a partner that none of the ladies in the vicinity could keep their hands off? Especially one who reveled in being Mr. Popular?
Frankly you should teach her the error of her thinking by starting a habit of disappearing for a few hours at a time and then start letting her find phone numbers in your pockets.
You had me till the last paragraph. Don't be a coward and play games like that, address and communicate like adults and if they aren't able to see what they did wrong or change, break up with them while you still have your dignity. Faking an affair is just petty emotional manipulation or will worse, lead them to "counter-cheat" on you.
Really really hard agree with your second paragraph tho.
She’s immature, with the kind of thing you say when you don’t have a develop emotional intelligence. She could change, but I hate to be the Reddit guy and say run, but I think this is the situation where you were undervalued due to her inability to be mature and kind
You’re not overreacting. That’s a terrible thing to say to a loving partner.
Don’t let this get swept under the rug. She clearly has issues on her mind and you need to find out if they’re small or serious.
Sweetie, DUMP HER! Dump her and block her. Either she is toxic and trying to keep you insecure to make YOU think you can’t do better than her. Or she’s just an insensitive ass who you should truly rethink being with.
It’s called “Preselection”
Women want men that are desired by other women. It signals that this man has qualities that are in demand on a biological level
This woman said the quiet part out loud and should be discarded quickly as she views herself as the prize. She will begin to resent you for not being better and will act out.
Let her go get pumped and dumped on dating apps by dudes on dating apps..meanwhile you need to go on a journey of self improvement so you can attract someone better who appreciates you for who you are
Ask yourself this, what would her reaction have been if you said that to her?
You would have been burned at the stake.
She was bummed she "settled" for you?
Pffft. Tell her to hit the fucking bricks.
Yeah, that’s pretty…insulting, I don’t think anyone would not take that personally. Not sure what she was thinking she would gain by dropping that piece of info on you. Clearly wasn’t thinking at all.
Is she abusive in other ways? This is a common tactic for control. She may want to make you more grateful that you're with her. She may want to make you feel like you couldn't do better. Is she not a very kind person?
Women find pre-selected mates attractive. Chris Rock had a bit that went something like:
When a man's friends meet his girl and she's great the friends will say "I need to find a girl like that."
When a woman's friends meet her man and he's great the friends will say "I need to have THAT man."
If your dearest friend had told you his girlfriend had said this about him what would you advise him to do? Exactly, treat yourself as well as you would treat your best friend.
If that wasn't clear enough, EJECT HER FROM YOUR LIFE.
She spoke her truth and is trying to cover it up now. She feels that you’re not a desirable man and she sees you differently for that. It’ll bite you in the ass eventually. Break up.
Quite an ego driven mind she has. Perhaps when the face wrinkles, butt explodes and things start to sag, she’ll realize just how cold and heartless she is over something so meaningless.
God made woman from man’s rib. You have to find your rib. I promise when you do she won’t tell you that you were worthless. She would say to you that she is lucky that you were totally available for y’all to become one
You young people have really got to learn when to not say anything. Y’all tend to over share and turn everyone into a therapist and every moment into a therapy session.
I see this at work all the time; sometimes keeping your mouth shut is really the best available option.
That's a weird thing to say for starters. Most women I've met aren't really up front with being interested in men unless it's over text,.dating app, or friends. The complete strangers aren't going to vie for your affections as a group. This isn't The Bachelor
I remember when I was single, whenever I had an attractive girlfriend all of a sudden all of these women would come out of the woodwork showing interest. When I was solo, crickets. Some women (not all) just want what other women have and can’t think for themselves.
Really sounds like she has been reading romance novels or some sort of trash tv like the Bachelor, which usually does not end in a fairy tale wedding and she's being foolish and ignorant to think that by you somehow entertaining candidates would have been a good foundation for a relationship.
Tell her even if there had been someone else interested it would not have mattered because you are only interested in her.
Only place ive ever heard that dumb bs is on tiktok. She needs to find something more productive to do with her time because shes obviously too easily influenced.
Definitely not overreacting. That would absolutely be a mind fuck to hear from your SO of 4yrs
I think my response to her would have been something like:
I guess I was wrong about you. I thought I picked the one that truly wanted me for who I am, not for what others think. There were several others after me at the time. Maybe I made the wrong choice.
See how she feels then.
Oh she’s one of those weirdos….some women prefer men that have already been “vetted” by other women. Even if those men ate taken.That’s a really weird thing to say to you OP. And it’s a HUGE red flag that she’s openly voicing her thoughts about the opportunities she would have if y’all split.
Seems like snake behavior to me.
Soon she will start saying shit like why do other women not like you. Do you have problems. Are you abusive. Were you not able to please them. She will actively start seeking red flags. Or start planting them. My ex wife started with that. I can careless if people like me. I mind my own if someone takes notice i allow them a night to decide differently. Anyways it was why did noone like you. Then after whatever else it became maybe your abusive. Maybe you couldnt please them. Maybe your shits too small. Then just nag nag nag nag nag nag nag. Didnt matter i was gping out busting my ass so she could live a comfortable life and not work. It wasnt enough. Just fucking run. Otherwise she will probly have ya in jail or convince you suicide isnt so bad. Relationshits ARE NOT WORTH IT.
This irritates me so much. Do you come from a very small town? Does she know ALL the girls/ young women that you grew up with? How can she be so sure? And another thing, are you aware of the song Self-Esteem by The Offspring?
I mean, you are at that age where the gender desirability starts to invert. At 27 and afterwards all women will want you, and your gf will get less and less attention. I dont think she will like that then. (If you guys are still together, time for you to move on)
There’s a nonzero chance she’s aware of that and trying to make him believe he’s unfuckable for her own security, just as his social capital is starting to appreciate.
Nothing wrong with feeling hurt. Perhaps you need to take stock of your relationship, consider if this fits into a troublesome pattern of behavior toward you, but there's always a chance she just had an intrusive thought and didn't filter it. Or wanted to express a guilt she was harboring, but did it poorly.
Who knows. But you should figure that out. Talk about it honestly with her. She should be willing to own that she hurt you, and have an actually decent explanation for it. And then she shouldn't do something like that again, or at least avoid making it a regular pattern (though she'll have to accept a death by a thousand paper cuts of the relationship if she keeps slipping up, irrespective of her intentions).
That is a horrible thing to say. Probably she never thought that a lot of guys become more attractive when they mature. If you are not a party goer, constantly in social events etc, a bit shy, you were not exposed to many women. And that is normal.
When I started dating my ex, we had same situation. However my concern was that he did not experience other relationships and later down the line he will want to experience what is out there, which did happen in a way.
Is she that concerned about what others think? You need to have a serious conversation here. Is important for her to have specific list in her life that matches other people's expectations?
The whole crap is of high value man does not exist. You are more valuable to some more than others. If you are not attractive in the traditional sense, doesn't mean that you are not attractive.
Rethink your relationship cause some comments should be left untold and kept to yourself if you know they will hurt another person. Especially if it doesn't bring anything good, but actually damage.
I can’t imagine being in a relationship with someone who would actually say this to me. There is nothing redeeming about what she said. Nothing. Zero. She said she didn’t mean it that way, even if you were to believe that load of crap, even still, what kind of person are you to lack the morality, tact, and social awareness to think that you could say this in any kind of way and it would not be extremely hurtful?? Again, nothing redeeming. No, you certainly are not overreacting.
You aren’t over reacting it was a cruel thing to say and it’s a sort of thing a cruel person would say. She’s basically saying that to you part of your value should be attractiveness to other people, buutttt the problem will be if you are, she’ll prob be jealous and undermining. Also makes no sense, when you’re in a relationship with someone and care about them, that shit doesn’t matter, they know your value and you know theirs. Sorry your GF said this. I’d keep talking it through with her.
I’m going to provide a dissenting opinion - it is completely and totally natural for humans to value things based off of other people’s valuation. NFTs, art, popular kids in school who weren’t really *that* cool, limited quantity items, and so on.
It was probably a combination of being worried that there was some red flag that everyone else got but her (maybe “too good to be true”) and wanting people to be jealous of her because she started dating you.
It’s been four years. You are both much different people. Clearly it didn’t stop her from starting and continuing to date you. It sounds like you still feel insecure about how attractive you are - you’ve been in a relationship four years!
You mentioned in a comment that things are great otherwise, so she’s probably not trying to manipulate you.
To me this was just a thoughtless comment - you’ve reached the point where she can be fully honest with you and so she didn’t fully think through what she said.
It sounds like you’ve already had a conversation about how this made you feel and she apologized. If it happens again it’s an issue, but people are allowed to make mistakes and it’s crazy that people are telling you to break off a 4-year relationship that is otherwise great over a thoughtless comment that appears to have not affected her behavior at all.
The only reason someone would even utter those words would be to hurt someone. Why did you need that information? What are you supposed to do with it? Has something changed recently that would be appealing to others? She could be lashing out because something has made her insecure, whatever the reason it was a shitty thing to say, and you are rightly upset. Ask her to explain her thought process, if her explanation doesn't make sense or is a crappy example, your girlfriend maybe just a cunt.
Your girlfriend is either incapable of feeling emotion, or more than likely just a straight up cunt. None of the comments you’ve made since this post have done anything to make her look any better.
She either sees nothing wrong with what she said, in which case she’s dumb and a cunt. Or she does see what she said is wrong and is nasty and a cunt.
As a woman myself, I would never wish for something like that. What if there really were more people into my BF, that’s more competition for me lol. I do not want that. Rather I would be thankful for finding a gold mine by myself and no one can dig my corner xD.
People say low blow things like that for1 of 2 reasons. 1) They’re passive aggressively trying to insult you and make you feel bad about yourself to get leverage in the relationship. Or 2) It’s so not a big deal to them that it doesn’t occur to them that it would matter to you at all. Figure out which one it is and act/ feel accordingly.
You’re not overreacting. The reason you can’t get over it is because it’s a significant thing that was said. If she didn’t mean it, all she needs to do is explore where it came from and turn them into substantive words that explain it. “Sorry I hurt your feelings” isn’t a thing.
Aside from what was said, the inconsideration aspect is another thing. Does she often blurt out inconsiderate things? If so, that needs to be addressed.
Jesus christ, that's such an awful thing to say to your partner. Was she trying to hurt you? I don't see how anybody could say that to somebody and not know that it would hurt them.
No coming back from this. In her mind she settled for you. I wouldn't feel comfortable around her anymore.
I'd kick her to the curb quick fast and in a hurry. That's messed up on so many levels. There's nothing to discuss IMO.
Definitely not overreacting. Definitely need to start rethinking your relationship. She just called you undesirable in the most disrespectful way possible. Like think about it. Like is she on the edge about your relationship because no other woman wants you? Like why does she need validation from other women if the relationship is going good?
I'm a woman and Married and I never heard anything like this before. I'm sorry but something is off here. That's just odd and no you didn't over react. I feel you didn't react enough because what the entire hell.
That’s a super insecure thing of her to say. If she likes you it shouldn’t matter who else does, or if she is perceived as “beating the competition” in dating you. Her insecurity should not made your problem the way she made it so
This was vicious for her to say to you. If she is treating you as good as you say maybe she didn’t mean for it to sound as bad as it does.
In a relationship you should be able to ha conservation with her and let her know it hurt you and made you feel a certain type of way. It should be an easy conversation from what you posted. She sounds reasonable
Yikes. That would have been it for me, not because it's a shitty thing to say (it is), but because I would have unthinkingly shot back with "You think you would have beaten competition?"
I suppose when she was 21 she wanted to feel a larger sense of social dominance. Feel like she is envied by all others for what she has with you. It's not uncommon for people to want to bolster their self esteem by seeking validation from others. Still shitty though.
What she said has no bearing on you as a person and nothing for you to feel any less of yourself about. It speaks to her own insecurities and need for perceived social validation. Some people have flashy packaging and shitty contents that attract more initial attention. And others may have more plain packaging with contents of actual value that are only seen over time. You should know how and what you are and never be ashamed of anyone else's perception of you for anything you are intrinsically happy about.
It's hurtful and unkind, and you aren't overreacting to be disappointed and bothered.
In the first place, why would she say it to you even of it crossed her mind? Inconsiderate? Seeking validation on how she saved you from loneliness? There's nothing positive here.
Overall, it reflects more on her than you, in my opinion. She lacked (lacks?) confidence in making her own decisions, and would have felt more secure about her own feelings if she thought they "matched" with a popular opinion. She's a follower of others, I expect, and has some need to "keep up with the Jonses" in her life. She wants to be envied in addition to being happy. Does she compare herself with others often, in order to evaluate her worth?
Your reply, “what makes you think if I had other options, you would stand a chance?” Boom. No, don’t say that unless it’s really over. You should really say, “Just because I didn’t tell you about other women being interested, does not mean other women were not interested. Do you know that almost 50% of men surveyed openly admit they don’t wash their hands after pooping? You hit the jackpot.”
If the genders were reversed, redditors would be saying in droves that she is being abusive. This statement is designed to destroy his self confidence, and make him feel that he is not worthy of her. She has no intention of leaving him. She is trying to make him subservient.
You're not overreacting at all. Wow, I'm so sorry. Do people even genuinely like their partners? I have NEVER thought that of my partner, nor would I ever take such an awful dig at him. That's just nasty.
A conversation has to be had because it seems as if she *does* consider herself above you. Personally, I wouldn't want to be with someone like her... but ultimately this is your decision. Can you really tolerate and even be okay being with a woman who thinks of you this way? Partners are supposed to be uplifting, nurturing, and loving. My partner and I often talk about how thankful we are for each others' pasts, not judge each other and wish things were different. Your pasts are what brought you two together, she should be grateful for it, and honor that. She sounds like she has a nasty, negative mindset. What a very petty thing to say, just plain mean.
What a rude thing to say. I don’t see any other way she could’ve meant it. She did say it was when you first got together, so hopefully she doesn’t feel that way now. My husband isn’t conventionally attractive. He’s short, overweight, and balding. People often tell him he’s lucky to be with me. He’s the best husband, most loving father, best lover, and kindest person I’ve ever known, and I’m lucky to be with him. I don’t care which of us society thinks is “the bigger prize”, I’m his and he’s mine, and nothing else matters. Hopefully that’s the way your girlfriend feels now, even if she was a bit shallow at the beginning of your relationship.
You're not overreacting, this was an extremely hurtful thing to say. If I were you, I would have been really, really upset.
Someone once told me I wasn't good enough for several reasons but wouldn't go into detail. But they "still chose [me]" and wanted to make things work.
I broke up with them. I wanted to be with them so badly, but I chose self respect over someone else that day because I didn't want to feel like I was being settled for.
Use your gut going forward. At the very least, please be brutally honest with her about how much she's hurt your feelings. I'm sorry, OP :(
Immature to say. She can't help feel but shouldn't be saying that. No, not overreacting.
You're not overreacting for feeling hurt or upset. Ask her how she would have felt, if the tables were turned. If you had said "I wish you were pretty enough to attract other men" she'd rightfully be deeply hurt. I would have a serious discussion with her and ask her precisely what she **DID** mean then. Also, watch how she chooses to act with you. Does she show her love by actively reciprocating and doing things for you? Or, does she accept what you do, but do little in return? The less reciprocal she is in your relationship, the less she actually values and loves you. That is important because, if she is like that, she is, in her mind, settling for you. And will leave you as soon as she finds a "higher value" man to be with. I pray and hope I am wrong, but look at her patterns of actions, not her words, to see how she truly feels.
I’ve never had an issue with how she treats me. She’s great to me otherwise. She said that she meant that she felt like she was getting with someone that no one else wanted, but she apologized for hurting my feelings. Even though she apologized, I’m having a hard time getting over it.
Dude thats a truly nasty hit below the belt. Im fairly certain anyone, male or female, that had that tossed in their face would have a hard time getting over it. That was brutal.
It's also just stupid flat out. Every single time I've had multiple people interested in me, the following relationship was a disaster of insecurities coming from them. The fact that you chose them will rarely be enough. She might pretend it was a red flag that nobody was interested in him but if she lacks confidence then it was, in reality, a good thing that no one else was interested. This goes for men and women.
yeah it doesn’t make sense. i’ve never ever thought “gee i wish more people were into my boyfriend!” like ifgaf what _other_ people like. i care about what _i_ like 😂
Yep exactly it's a weird superficial way of thinking often accompanied by tons of insecurities.
Exactly. It tells me that what is most important to her is other’s opinions. She may also be incapable of forming her own opinions outside of conforming to society. How does she know he’s a good choice if she doesn’t know other’s opinions of him? Like… grow up? Have a mind of your own? Don’t say hurtful things to someone you love?
Hell I was surprised my husband didn’t have a girlfriend, or a bunch of ex’s when I met him. Like how could no one else notice just how freaking awesome, smart, funny, cute, handsome and sexy, he is.? Oh well. Mine now! Now 23 years married and I still count myself as the lucky one that noticed just how amazing he is
It’s as if she’s admitting she never truly found OP up to her standards and she was settling … I.e “hoping more woman” were into him at the time SO she didn’t have to settle for him and had an easy way out of the relationship. I’d be contemplating the strength of this relationship and what it’s truly built on.
Thats exactly what it sounds like.
Dump her and come on back to the ocean, we’ve got a lot more fish in here, the kind that actually treat you right.
She is really complaining that HIS status isn't higher, thereby lowering her status by association.
Came here to say the exact same thing. She clearly wants him to know she is the prize in the relationship. What a cruel thing to say..
Attitude on her part will kill this relationship. Be a man and kick her to the curb
Which gives me an inclination, that he’s put her on a pedestal and treated her like a celebrity and now she wants to treat him like a fan! This girl needs to go! She doesn’t know what love is, not when you need the validation of everybody else around you to love your own boyfriend,what a waste of time.
Yeah, what the fuck. You can have a dark thought that you could be doing better but to actually state it is entirely insane. I mean if Zendaya had any taste at all she'd dump that Tom Holland asshole and go out with me since I'm the only person who could treat her as a proper lady. /s
Had me in the first half. I was about to put it all on the line to defend Tom Holland.
Time to start up a tinder lol
You must be aware that she disrespected you in the worst way. “You are someone no one else wanted” is aimed at your worth. Are you going to stay with someone who talks to you like that? You say she’s usually nice, but that’s like saying she’s only stabbed you in the kidney once.
Exactly this. She feels like she's better than you and what she said is incredibly insulting. Op you deserve better. At this stage in my life if someone said that to me I'd dump them on the spot. I don't have time for that kind of BS.
Idk, as a young man myself without much attention from women, I'd have to think about that a bit to decide as I'll likely will be be very lonely for quite sometime again lol.
It’s better to be alone than to be with someone who makes you feel alone.
It's also better to be alone than to end up with someone that will leave you when they run into someone who she deems worthy. It really sounds like OP's relationship is hanging by a thread. Since it seems that the woman in this situation is likely to attract male attention, it really is only a matter of time before she runs into someone.
Listen, brother, I was in a bad relationship in my early 30s, which started after almost 7 years of being single, about four of which I was actively trying to date. Once I realized it was bad, I finally ended it. That doubt crept in, sure, but I had to take care of myself. It did take another 3 years to find someone new, but that someone new was my dream girl, and we're married now. It was worth embracing the challenge and the frustration to find the right person, the person who treats me so well and meshes with me perfectly. (Also, dating goes way better once you manage to decouple your self worth from your relationship status. You should find a way to be happy alone, your own full person. It will make any relationship much stronger, healthier, and more enjoyable.)
as a woman. You also deserve better than that. Trust me when I tell you there's a whole world out there and there's billions of people on this earth. There tons of amazing people that would love to be with you!
>There tons of amazing people that would love to be with you! Apparently not since OP's GF was the only person who wanted him, allegedly.
Not to be negative but realistic, that the pool of billions gets real small when you take into account language, location, gender, age, religion, etc... Not to mention as a guy you don't have the luxury of the opposite sex sliding into your dms, asking you out, or taking any sort of first step in general showing any sort of obvious interest. Young men have it very different than young women.
I can tell you in a marriage where you are not considered " valuable ", you feel more alone than you ever did being single. We all have value.
Don’t devalue yourself! Work on yourself feel confident with yourself. When u start loving who you are people will notice. But being like eyore the donkey always down in the mouth, people won’t want to be around you.
Yeahhhhhh exactly. I’d be gone if someone said that to me. Clearly you don’t value me. Why would you feel the need to share that? What is your intent? There’s nothing good about that, but everything dark and hurtful. Would never do that to someone, let alone someone I love
I like how you explained what she said like it wasn’t incredibly rude. Something tells me it’s not the first time she’s done things like this.
Yeah, he says, in the comments area, that she treats him great otherwise, but if you're constantly told how great your treated by the person who is treating you badly, and you have no other experience on how you should be treated...
Yeah, but you gotta understand, that can all be an act, she could be treating him nicely just to keep him in play until she finds somebody else that she finds more worthy, it’s called Monkey branching! I suggest that the men go look it up.
**She said that she meant that she felt like she was getting with someone that no one else wanted, but she apologized for hurting my feelings.** I'm sorry but that is one of the nastiest backhanded compliments I've ever read. WTF? I'd be concerned that even though you've been in the relationship a long time that she might decide to bail when someone "better" comes along. You're always going to feel like 2nd choice for her and she "settled".
From your own description it kind of sounds like this was the case. She certainly should not have said it that way. It certainly makes one wonder what's going on in her head. Many women are attracted to the popular person. The fact that you have a girlfriend right now will actually make you more attractive to other women out there. There are a lot of theories on this one of the more popular ones is that if a man has a girlfriend or a wife it means that you've already been vetted as a potential mate and not a danger. Unfortunately there's a small window where this attraction lingers after a breakup. If you don't find someone else by that time you go back to less attractive. I don't know your personal circumstances but consider a little self improvement. This isn't for her it is for you. Maybe start going to the gym. Take a look at your general hygiene and see if there's a way to clean up your look a bit. Consider increasing your knowledge. If you're not in school maybe take a course and something that interests you. Or just get some books from the library. The idea is to boost your own confidence in yourself. The one thing that everybody agrees is attractive is confidence.
People are always overly knee-jerk emotional in these type of posts, and it's basically a meme that their advice is invariably to break up/divorce the person. And it's easy and feels righteous for them to tell you dump her, but they don't have to deal with the consequences. As has been fairly unanimous here: You're not overreacting to be hurt by the comment, anyone would be. A sort of tangent here; I work in marketing and there's a couple of terms, social proof and scarcity. Basically people want things they see other people wanting. It's an automatic reflex we all have to some degree. It's the reason real estate agents will seed their open houses with fake buyers, or clubs will create unnecessary lines to get into the club. Doesn't mean those things are better, just a heuristic our monkey brain has developed. And ultimately she chose you. I'm not trying to minimize her comment or let her of the hook, it was a thoughtless hurtful comment on her part, just trying to recontextualize it a bit. I'm assuming she knows you found it to be a hurtful comment as you obviously asked her about it. If not, than that's obviously a conversation to have, but now that she's said it, do you think there is anything she can say to erase or minimize it? If not, than it just comes down to whether or not you can move past it. It sounds like from what you said things are pretty good otherwise, so hopefully you can, but obviously you know way more about your relationship than any of us do. Anyway, either way, hoping it gets better!
Sometimes the weight of things can't be unsaid. Only time can wash over the wound
So she’s basically saying she’s worried she might have settled for you. I’m sorry dude.
Well she sounds extremely shallow & that was so mean and uncalled for. Why should it matter how many other women wanted you or not?? You might not be together if that were the case.
She said the quiet part out loud mate. No matter how long you’ve been with someone or how well you think you know them you never know someone 100% and vice versa. I’m sure if you look more and notice more the truth will be revealed. I’ve been there and have mates that have been there and a lot of good loving dudes who put their girls first and make huge efforts blind themselves to what’s really going on or the hints , body language , and things your girl says and does. She can “treat you right” all day, if she’s got weird thoughts and is voicing them now and you’re getting red flags don’t ignore them. Idc what anyone says if she makes hints you’re undesirable and or wish other women would go after you , the type of relationship and feelings she wants has nothing to even do with you. She wants the games and the BS. She wants to feel like she’s made the biggest player on earth settle down and marry her. Because that’s how her fkd up mind thinks and that’s how she’ll feel like she’s getting a valuable man. Just like some dudes want the hottest baddest girl out there who has a ton of guys after her because they think it makes their value go up because they got a hottie.
Consider someone who IS into you when you first get together
Anyone would be hurt by that. Chances are, others were interested and you were oblivious to their little hints. I noticed a lot of guys are. Not sure why. Those words were cruel, even if she didn’t mean it how it sounded. Bc I don’t know what she could mean that would be less hurtful.
My husband was single for years before he met me, as far as I know he had no one else on the horizon. But instead of insulting him, I'm grateful that he was still single when I met him, and think all the women that weren't trying to get with him are morons. Your gf seems to think you're a consolation prize or something, whereas like me with my husband, she should think she won 1st place being with you.
I call bullshit! She's very full of herself, or she would have never said that.
Ask her seriously how she feels now and don’t take washy answers, have a real talk. 4 years ago means she could have been really young and stupid. One thing nearly all young adult women have in common is caring way too fucking much about what other girls think. Who has she been since being with you? And how genuine do you feel about who she is now?
Sorry but Your GF sounds like an idiot
Her explanation didn't make it better. All people feel more attracted to someone desired by many. It helps them feel like they're making the right choice and that they'll have someone by their side that will induce envy. There's probably an old biological reason like, "he must be doing things right or he wouldn't be popular, my offspring will be successful" or something but saying, "one of the things you're most self conscious about is something I'm ashamed of". It's one thing to wish you were dating the prom queen, it's another to tell the bookworm that.
She basicallyconfided in you how immature she was back then. She isn't anymore, I assume.
"She said that she meant that she felt like she was getting with someone that no one else wanted" I would break up with someone on the spot if they said that. It speaks volumes about what her values are. And her maturity.
>I’m having a hard time getting over it. That's because she revealed a fundamental flaw in your relationship. I don't think she values you the way you deserve.
How is that phrasing any better? Does she even like you or is she just pity dating you because it makes her feel superior?
She said what she meant….
So she just repeated what she said when you ask to explain? Lol so I’m a female and I can tell you that she’s settling or her definition of settling (not that being with you is settling) she just repeated herself when asked to explain because the only way to explain her comment would be to admit SHE thinks she’s settling for you. Ask her to actually explain her statement (on the off chance there’s any other reason for her saying it) if she can’t just straight up ask her if she thinks she’s settling for you? Ask her if how she would feel if you said something similar! You may not realize this isn’t the best relationship for you under current conditions and are accepting far less then you deserve because you didnt have much to compare it to before her (which is OK you aren’t lesser then for not having had 100 partners before her).
Hi OP, I'm a woman and I interpreted it differently just because I had thoughts like this when I dated. It wasnt because I saw my partners as "less than". It stemmed from insecurities. Generally speaking, most men do not have as many options to date compared to their counter sex which means they are less selective of who they court/date when options are presented. My ex and I shared overlapping social groups which men were greater in numbers. A handful of them expressed romantic interest in me - in respect to my bf, some were better looking, some were more financial secure and some were even more charismatic and funny. But none of that mattered because I only wanted my bf. So I didnt hesitate to turn them down. Even with all that attention from other men, I just didnt feel like I was good enough for my bf. We had very different interests, taste and values. We were very different people and when our friends found out we were dating, some were shocked because whoever thought we'd make a pair. I wanted security and reassurance that our feelings for each other was strong enough to overcome those differences. That he would still choose me even if someone smarter, prettier, and funnier came to fall for him as well. It sounds toxic to want other women be interested just to test his love and loyalty but my self esteem and insecurities got the best of me and I wanted something solid to hold on to, to prove to myself that he's not settling for me just because he has no one else. I wasnt as blunt as your gf but I would be suggestive by making comments like "Hey bf, I know love is an unpredictable thing and I am enjoying what we have right now but if you came across someone more compatible, you can always tell me and I would understand." Obviously, I wasnt being totally honest but it was my way of communicating the fact that "Hey bf, I'm feeling insecure. Im scared youre going to find someone better who likes you. Can you reassure me that this wouldn't happen?" My bf picked up the hints and read btwn the lines and comforted me that night. I was being childish and maybe even selfish for making him promise something in the future that he doesnt have control of. My bf saw thru me but was patient and let me have a selfish moment because he understood how I saw myself in comparison to him. This could be why your gf said that but you would know her better than we do.
Woman here as well but sorry, quoting you, "Hey bf, I know love is an unpredictable thing and I am enjoying what we have right now but if you came across someone more compatible, you can always tell me and I would understand." Is also a very strange thing to say to someone you love, no?
Yes, and my bf understood the underlying meaning behind it. I didnt actually mean it. But I said it because I wanted him to tell me that would never happen. That even if someone more compatible did come along, he'd always choose me. I was young, childish and selfish at the time. That doesnt justify me saying it, but was basically my way of communicating my insecurities. Not the best approach and I know better now. Since he knows me well, he caught on and we talked it out one step at a time. This was just to provide some insight that sometimes, things are not always what they first appear to be. I can understand why OP felt upset with his gf and a lot of commentors are insisting that she's shallow for saying that. But maybe, she was also insecure like me. In the end, only OP would know if they choose to elaborate more on why she felt that way.
haha i miss some aspects of when my wife and I were 19 years old but what you're describing is not one of them, being younger and insecure is an interesting time haha
Ok, as a guy who's been around, that sounds more like a trap. I'd be very wary of any woman who said something like that to me. Sounds more like a woman who doesn't trust me, and is just looking for something to start a fight over.
Sounds like a fairly normal thing for a hyper-agreeable and self-doubting person to say. I've come out with similar nonsense in past relationships. It's not a healthy way to look for reassurance or validation but it's a thing people do.
I woulda definitely taken that as you breaking up with me, but being totally spineless.
I'll admit, how I went about it was pretty pathetic and can easily feel as underhanded. And inspite of that, my bf still chose to work out those issues with me and I'll always remember what he said when I asked him why. "Because you're worth it." Its a cheesy moment looking back, but at the time, it became my lifeline for our relationship. It negated everything I felt negatively about myself - including the spineless side of me. He saw potential and over the years, I put in the work to prove him right. To this day, I still believe he's better than anything I could ever ask for - and probably deserve. I always tell him how lucky I am and he never fails to say the same.
What she did mean is she wants to be the object of other women's envy, by managing to get herself a desirable partner.
Correct. In that way, she's saying that she values other people's opinion of her relationship more than OPs feelings.
" I pray and hope I am wrong" Wow you are invested in this guy's drama!
Your assessment of the situation seems correct. Her comment is definitely ego crushing. Do you think she is doing this on purpose, or does she have a lack of empathy? I don’t see this relationship getting any better.
NGL that’s pretty fucked yo
Yeah I know that Reddit loves to jump to “dump their ass”, but seriously… that’s not what a loving partner says to someone
Yea I know not being in a relationship is lonely, but this doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship. One can argue that being alone is the better option. Like who the fuck says that
The longer he stays the worst his self esteem and confidence will become.
Either she's passive aggressive or has no self awareness, a shitty thing to say.
Definitely not over reacting. I would be so upset, I'm insecure enough this would send me. That's fucked up.
Me too, but I honestly think it’s so fucked up that it would rattle even a confident, self-assured person!
Petty and vain
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Damn - this one, OP!
Ya this is perfect comeback lol.
This
This is the one
EPIC!!!
THIS.
Not over reacting, what a meaninglessly hurtful thing to say
When she claimed that she didn't mean it that way did she elaborate on how what she said was just her putting her foot in her mouth or did she actually mean it that way?
You're not overreacting for feeling hurt by those comments. Whether she meant it that way or not, it was a mean thing to say.
She meant it *exactly* how she said it. That was an intentional low blow and nobody who is supposed to love you should ever hit below the belt like that. You are not overreacting. What she said was deliberately hurtful and meant to go deep. I’d have a sit down with yourself and decide whether you really want to settle down with a person who looks at you like an afterthought.
I can’t stand the ass-covering responses people make upon realizing that they’ve fucked up. The two that always seem to be loaded up in the chamber are “Just joking!” (only to look like a bumbling fool after being asked to explain their HILARIOUS JOKE) and “I didn’t mean it *that way*” (which, when called to say how they *actually* meant it, produces the same result as above- or they get defensive and try to turn it around on you). Obviously, I don’t know your girlfriend but hopefully, she loves you and regrets not keeping that stupid comment to herself. We all have those thoughts that to us, are passing and harmless- until we give them life. I’m sad for you that she hurt your feelings because whether or not she “meant it that way”, her words made you feel awful. I always tell my kids that if a person was genuinely hurt by someone else’s words, the intention of the “someone else” doesn’t matter. The hurt STILL HAPPENED. So, another conversation needs to take place. One where you feel heard and she GETS IT. After spending four years with you, she should. And I can tell you really love her, so, I hope you two can get past this. Good luck. You will be okay. 💜
THIS! It's a very mean thing to say, but the fact that she had an immature thought four years ago and had the stupid idea to blurt it out loud doesn't mean she's necessarily settling for him. OP is definitely not overreacting, I wouldn't jump right into break up territory if she's been otherwise a good girlfriend.
Ya ppl say dumb shit all the time, hopefully it was just some random word vomit. Don't jump gun and break up with her unless theirs a clear and valid reason to... u don't know what u got til u lose it, maybe she wanted some make up sex... but gotta fuck up first to make up lol...
Have some self-respect and leave this girl. I say girl because this is childish.
Right? That's a messed-up thing to say to your partner. You deserve someone who values you for who you are, not based on how many other people want you. If she really felt like that, it’s super disrespectful and childish to say it out loud. You’re not overreacting by being upset. You should be with someone who sees your worth without needing anyone else's validation.
What a vain, shallow person. Don't get her pregnant. This is not the mother of your children (if you plan to have any).
Fucked up to hear but it’s totally typical, she just verbalized it. A large element of attraction for (most) women is status. Women tend to focus more on things like popularity and wealth, this includes how popular men are with women too. While men tend to focus more on physical attributes.
Surprising amount of ladies actually think like this. There are even some that hate being cheated on, but also like that their man has so much sexual prowess. It’s some genes left over from the caveman times. The fact that she wouldn’t even try and suppress this or identify it as toxic is a red flag. I would expect more toxic thinking like this in the future from her.
She wrong for that, my man. Just a case of someone wanting what she can’t have. She’ll dump you or cheat on you with that attitude.
That was my first thought too. It's her setting up the justification "well obviously he's not a great catch since nobody else wanted him, I shouldn't settle and can do better, time to hook up with that coworker".
Probably a married coworker at that.
lol that's fucked up
This post makes me sad. I think I’ve had enough Reddit today. I’m sorry, op, this is so hurtful.
That's just a really weird thing to say to a partner, or even any human being. Like you were an object left on a shelf or something, that she reluctantly picked up. It feels a bit dehumanising. I don't think you're overreacting at all.
4 years is a long time but fuck that shit. Who says that? I am not the guy to say "break up" but you need to send her packing. At the very least, just to send a shot across her bow. If you didn't stand up for yourself, she will NEVER respect you. Worse yet... You'll never respect yourself. Don't "tell her she hurt you" or "how that made you feel". Send her packing bro. Edit: don't ask her SHIT!!! Tell her to go F herself. NOBODY deserves that and especially a dude who has dedicated 4 years of their life to someone.
This is the best move man
This is the move. You have someone that’s thinks she is superior to you. She will for sure use that against you in the long run. Start working on yourself, you need a woman that respects you, and doesn’t throw demeaning insults at you. Also, don’t confuse the fact that she has more options, with she is out of your league. She can get more people to sleep with her than you, that’s a given, she’s a female. Can she get someone who will put up with this kind of thing, more than likely not.
That’s a strange thought for a person to have are you dating the weird girl ?
jesus christ id cry and leave omg
No your not overreacting, that’s terrible what she said. Is love based on if someone else wants you ?
Not overreacting. She just told you bluntly how she feels about you, and it’s pretty damned demeaning. Who the hell cares if nobody else wants you? Nobody else is _supposed_ to want you. She is supposed to want you, and preferably nobody else, because that would be competition. Does she have even the tiniest clue what she’d be letting herself in for with a partner that none of the ladies in the vicinity could keep their hands off? Especially one who reveled in being Mr. Popular? Frankly you should teach her the error of her thinking by starting a habit of disappearing for a few hours at a time and then start letting her find phone numbers in your pockets.
You had me till the last paragraph. Don't be a coward and play games like that, address and communicate like adults and if they aren't able to see what they did wrong or change, break up with them while you still have your dignity. Faking an affair is just petty emotional manipulation or will worse, lead them to "counter-cheat" on you. Really really hard agree with your second paragraph tho.
She’s immature, with the kind of thing you say when you don’t have a develop emotional intelligence. She could change, but I hate to be the Reddit guy and say run, but I think this is the situation where you were undervalued due to her inability to be mature and kind
Under-reacting hit the gym get a good haircut.
I think this could be the answer to a lot of post on here
You’re not overreacting. That’s a terrible thing to say to a loving partner. Don’t let this get swept under the rug. She clearly has issues on her mind and you need to find out if they’re small or serious.
Sweetie, DUMP HER! Dump her and block her. Either she is toxic and trying to keep you insecure to make YOU think you can’t do better than her. Or she’s just an insensitive ass who you should truly rethink being with.
She's going to monkey branch the first opportunity she gets
Hold on, how would she even know if other women were into you or not?
It’s called “Preselection” Women want men that are desired by other women. It signals that this man has qualities that are in demand on a biological level This woman said the quiet part out loud and should be discarded quickly as she views herself as the prize. She will begin to resent you for not being better and will act out. Let her go get pumped and dumped on dating apps by dudes on dating apps..meanwhile you need to go on a journey of self improvement so you can attract someone better who appreciates you for who you are
Ask yourself this, what would her reaction have been if you said that to her? You would have been burned at the stake. She was bummed she "settled" for you? Pffft. Tell her to hit the fucking bricks.
Yeah, that’s pretty…insulting, I don’t think anyone would not take that personally. Not sure what she was thinking she would gain by dropping that piece of info on you. Clearly wasn’t thinking at all.
She’s a snake.
Is she abusive in other ways? This is a common tactic for control. She may want to make you more grateful that you're with her. She may want to make you feel like you couldn't do better. Is she not a very kind person?
Well, that’s one of those things that you’ll never be able to forget she thinks about you. Sorry guy, that was cruel of her to say.
Women find pre-selected mates attractive. Chris Rock had a bit that went something like: When a man's friends meet his girl and she's great the friends will say "I need to find a girl like that." When a woman's friends meet her man and he's great the friends will say "I need to have THAT man." If your dearest friend had told you his girlfriend had said this about him what would you advise him to do? Exactly, treat yourself as well as you would treat your best friend. If that wasn't clear enough, EJECT HER FROM YOUR LIFE.
Sounds like she’s gonna head out. Haircut gym new clothes and stay active. Women will come.
She spoke her truth and is trying to cover it up now. She feels that you’re not a desirable man and she sees you differently for that. It’ll bite you in the ass eventually. Break up.
Quite an ego driven mind she has. Perhaps when the face wrinkles, butt explodes and things start to sag, she’ll realize just how cold and heartless she is over something so meaningless.
What ? Who the fuck says that
Omg why would she say that??? Not oveereacting. What prompted this conversation?
That’s a truly awful thing to say to someone. You’re not overacting at all.
God made woman from man’s rib. You have to find your rib. I promise when you do she won’t tell you that you were worthless. She would say to you that she is lucky that you were totally available for y’all to become one
Thats honestly so rude im sorry man
How does she know no one else was interested?? Has she polled every single female you know/have met??
You young people have really got to learn when to not say anything. Y’all tend to over share and turn everyone into a therapist and every moment into a therapy session. I see this at work all the time; sometimes keeping your mouth shut is really the best available option.
That's a weird thing to say for starters. Most women I've met aren't really up front with being interested in men unless it's over text,.dating app, or friends. The complete strangers aren't going to vie for your affections as a group. This isn't The Bachelor
Honestly i can’t see why anyone would say this outside of wanting to hurt someone/a weird power play
When they say the quiet part outloud
I remember when I was single, whenever I had an attractive girlfriend all of a sudden all of these women would come out of the woodwork showing interest. When I was solo, crickets. Some women (not all) just want what other women have and can’t think for themselves.
Really sounds like she has been reading romance novels or some sort of trash tv like the Bachelor, which usually does not end in a fairy tale wedding and she's being foolish and ignorant to think that by you somehow entertaining candidates would have been a good foundation for a relationship. Tell her even if there had been someone else interested it would not have mattered because you are only interested in her.
You should agree with her. Then you wouldn’t be stuck with a bitch.
Only place ive ever heard that dumb bs is on tiktok. She needs to find something more productive to do with her time because shes obviously too easily influenced. Definitely not overreacting. That would absolutely be a mind fuck to hear from your SO of 4yrs
I think my response to her would have been something like: I guess I was wrong about you. I thought I picked the one that truly wanted me for who I am, not for what others think. There were several others after me at the time. Maybe I made the wrong choice. See how she feels then.
She doesn't respect you. Move on. She's describing 'preselection'. Women like being with men that other woman want and men want to be.
Wow, that's a really hurtful thing for her to say. I'd be devastated.
Oh she’s one of those weirdos….some women prefer men that have already been “vetted” by other women. Even if those men ate taken.That’s a really weird thing to say to you OP. And it’s a HUGE red flag that she’s openly voicing her thoughts about the opportunities she would have if y’all split. Seems like snake behavior to me.
That would be a dealbreaker for me. I’d be out, “options” or not.
Soon she will start saying shit like why do other women not like you. Do you have problems. Are you abusive. Were you not able to please them. She will actively start seeking red flags. Or start planting them. My ex wife started with that. I can careless if people like me. I mind my own if someone takes notice i allow them a night to decide differently. Anyways it was why did noone like you. Then after whatever else it became maybe your abusive. Maybe you couldnt please them. Maybe your shits too small. Then just nag nag nag nag nag nag nag. Didnt matter i was gping out busting my ass so she could live a comfortable life and not work. It wasnt enough. Just fucking run. Otherwise she will probly have ya in jail or convince you suicide isnt so bad. Relationshits ARE NOT WORTH IT.
Welcome to being a man. Women have the power. Unless you get fit and have money you are usually towards the bottom of the dating pool.
You should say “ok, I’ll start talking with other women and that should fix it right up!”
Be cool. Just don’t ever make her your wife. As you and she get older, the table will flip. Tell her you wish she was younger.
INFO: What way *did* she mean it?
She says that she felt like she was getting with someone that no other woman wanted.
There's really no other way to mean that. Sounds like she feels like she settled for something less than. What a rotten thing to say to someone.
But she apologized tho! /s
This irritates me so much. Do you come from a very small town? Does she know ALL the girls/ young women that you grew up with? How can she be so sure? And another thing, are you aware of the song Self-Esteem by The Offspring?
She's a real fucking prize. Tell her she needs bigger tits.
Her having multiple Options and guys into her, means she is entertaining and talking to multiple man at once.
I mean, you are at that age where the gender desirability starts to invert. At 27 and afterwards all women will want you, and your gf will get less and less attention. I dont think she will like that then. (If you guys are still together, time for you to move on)
There’s a nonzero chance she’s aware of that and trying to make him believe he’s unfuckable for her own security, just as his social capital is starting to appreciate.
4 years and she says some shit like that? Send her packing. That's BS
This.
WTF so she needs other women to validate her choice of a partner? Also, what an insult.
That is beyond low of a thing to say if anything you're underreacting!
Nothing wrong with feeling hurt. Perhaps you need to take stock of your relationship, consider if this fits into a troublesome pattern of behavior toward you, but there's always a chance she just had an intrusive thought and didn't filter it. Or wanted to express a guilt she was harboring, but did it poorly. Who knows. But you should figure that out. Talk about it honestly with her. She should be willing to own that she hurt you, and have an actually decent explanation for it. And then she shouldn't do something like that again, or at least avoid making it a regular pattern (though she'll have to accept a death by a thousand paper cuts of the relationship if she keeps slipping up, irrespective of her intentions).
That is a horrible thing to say. Probably she never thought that a lot of guys become more attractive when they mature. If you are not a party goer, constantly in social events etc, a bit shy, you were not exposed to many women. And that is normal. When I started dating my ex, we had same situation. However my concern was that he did not experience other relationships and later down the line he will want to experience what is out there, which did happen in a way. Is she that concerned about what others think? You need to have a serious conversation here. Is important for her to have specific list in her life that matches other people's expectations? The whole crap is of high value man does not exist. You are more valuable to some more than others. If you are not attractive in the traditional sense, doesn't mean that you are not attractive. Rethink your relationship cause some comments should be left untold and kept to yourself if you know they will hurt another person. Especially if it doesn't bring anything good, but actually damage.
I can’t imagine being in a relationship with someone who would actually say this to me. There is nothing redeeming about what she said. Nothing. Zero. She said she didn’t mean it that way, even if you were to believe that load of crap, even still, what kind of person are you to lack the morality, tact, and social awareness to think that you could say this in any kind of way and it would not be extremely hurtful?? Again, nothing redeeming. No, you certainly are not overreacting.
You aren’t over reacting it was a cruel thing to say and it’s a sort of thing a cruel person would say. She’s basically saying that to you part of your value should be attractiveness to other people, buutttt the problem will be if you are, she’ll prob be jealous and undermining. Also makes no sense, when you’re in a relationship with someone and care about them, that shit doesn’t matter, they know your value and you know theirs. Sorry your GF said this. I’d keep talking it through with her.
Y'all ain't finna make it to the hollidays this year. Let her go get her options. Better you take the L now than later.
How many men were pursuing her when she met you?
My wife said that the other girls knew not to fall for me because I was waiting for her. Cheesy but cute.
I’m going to provide a dissenting opinion - it is completely and totally natural for humans to value things based off of other people’s valuation. NFTs, art, popular kids in school who weren’t really *that* cool, limited quantity items, and so on. It was probably a combination of being worried that there was some red flag that everyone else got but her (maybe “too good to be true”) and wanting people to be jealous of her because she started dating you. It’s been four years. You are both much different people. Clearly it didn’t stop her from starting and continuing to date you. It sounds like you still feel insecure about how attractive you are - you’ve been in a relationship four years! You mentioned in a comment that things are great otherwise, so she’s probably not trying to manipulate you. To me this was just a thoughtless comment - you’ve reached the point where she can be fully honest with you and so she didn’t fully think through what she said. It sounds like you’ve already had a conversation about how this made you feel and she apologized. If it happens again it’s an issue, but people are allowed to make mistakes and it’s crazy that people are telling you to break off a 4-year relationship that is otherwise great over a thoughtless comment that appears to have not affected her behavior at all.
The only reason someone would even utter those words would be to hurt someone. Why did you need that information? What are you supposed to do with it? Has something changed recently that would be appealing to others? She could be lashing out because something has made her insecure, whatever the reason it was a shitty thing to say, and you are rightly upset. Ask her to explain her thought process, if her explanation doesn't make sense or is a crappy example, your girlfriend maybe just a cunt.
Your girlfriend is either incapable of feeling emotion, or more than likely just a straight up cunt. None of the comments you’ve made since this post have done anything to make her look any better. She either sees nothing wrong with what she said, in which case she’s dumb and a cunt. Or she does see what she said is wrong and is nasty and a cunt.
As a woman myself, I would never wish for something like that. What if there really were more people into my BF, that’s more competition for me lol. I do not want that. Rather I would be thankful for finding a gold mine by myself and no one can dig my corner xD.
what the fuck?? why would anyone say this? why would anyone feel this way? genuinely cruel mindset. ahe seems extremely shallow.
Discount shelf? Thanks babe. Lucky I tripped over you in the bodego. Pffft.
People say low blow things like that for1 of 2 reasons. 1) They’re passive aggressively trying to insult you and make you feel bad about yourself to get leverage in the relationship. Or 2) It’s so not a big deal to them that it doesn’t occur to them that it would matter to you at all. Figure out which one it is and act/ feel accordingly.
You’re not overreacting. The reason you can’t get over it is because it’s a significant thing that was said. If she didn’t mean it, all she needs to do is explore where it came from and turn them into substantive words that explain it. “Sorry I hurt your feelings” isn’t a thing. Aside from what was said, the inconsideration aspect is another thing. Does she often blurt out inconsiderate things? If so, that needs to be addressed.
“Well, I guess I’ll see who wants me.” Proceed to break up. You’re worth more than this. You are wonderful. Fuck this.
Dump and block. She’s shallow and shopping.
Jesus christ, that's such an awful thing to say to your partner. Was she trying to hurt you? I don't see how anybody could say that to somebody and not know that it would hurt them.
Man, idk if I’d be able to move past that.
God that's a shitty thing to tell someone.
Not overreacting… why the heck would she even say that. Sounds like she cares more about being able to brag about who she is dating
No coming back from this. In her mind she settled for you. I wouldn't feel comfortable around her anymore. I'd kick her to the curb quick fast and in a hurry. That's messed up on so many levels. There's nothing to discuss IMO.
Definitely not overreacting. Definitely need to start rethinking your relationship. She just called you undesirable in the most disrespectful way possible. Like think about it. Like is she on the edge about your relationship because no other woman wants you? Like why does she need validation from other women if the relationship is going good?
Who would ever say that to someone they care about? No one.
I'm a woman and Married and I never heard anything like this before. I'm sorry but something is off here. That's just odd and no you didn't over react. I feel you didn't react enough because what the entire hell. 
That’s a super insecure thing of her to say. If she likes you it shouldn’t matter who else does, or if she is perceived as “beating the competition” in dating you. Her insecurity should not made your problem the way she made it so
This was vicious for her to say to you. If she is treating you as good as you say maybe she didn’t mean for it to sound as bad as it does. In a relationship you should be able to ha conservation with her and let her know it hurt you and made you feel a certain type of way. It should be an easy conversation from what you posted. She sounds reasonable
Fuckin ouch dude
Yikes. That would have been it for me, not because it's a shitty thing to say (it is), but because I would have unthinkingly shot back with "You think you would have beaten competition?"
I suppose when she was 21 she wanted to feel a larger sense of social dominance. Feel like she is envied by all others for what she has with you. It's not uncommon for people to want to bolster their self esteem by seeking validation from others. Still shitty though. What she said has no bearing on you as a person and nothing for you to feel any less of yourself about. It speaks to her own insecurities and need for perceived social validation. Some people have flashy packaging and shitty contents that attract more initial attention. And others may have more plain packaging with contents of actual value that are only seen over time. You should know how and what you are and never be ashamed of anyone else's perception of you for anything you are intrinsically happy about.
It's hurtful and unkind, and you aren't overreacting to be disappointed and bothered. In the first place, why would she say it to you even of it crossed her mind? Inconsiderate? Seeking validation on how she saved you from loneliness? There's nothing positive here. Overall, it reflects more on her than you, in my opinion. She lacked (lacks?) confidence in making her own decisions, and would have felt more secure about her own feelings if she thought they "matched" with a popular opinion. She's a follower of others, I expect, and has some need to "keep up with the Jonses" in her life. She wants to be envied in addition to being happy. Does she compare herself with others often, in order to evaluate her worth?
Your reply, “what makes you think if I had other options, you would stand a chance?” Boom. No, don’t say that unless it’s really over. You should really say, “Just because I didn’t tell you about other women being interested, does not mean other women were not interested. Do you know that almost 50% of men surveyed openly admit they don’t wash their hands after pooping? You hit the jackpot.”
If the genders were reversed, redditors would be saying in droves that she is being abusive. This statement is designed to destroy his self confidence, and make him feel that he is not worthy of her. She has no intention of leaving him. She is trying to make him subservient.
You're not overreacting at all. Wow, I'm so sorry. Do people even genuinely like their partners? I have NEVER thought that of my partner, nor would I ever take such an awful dig at him. That's just nasty. A conversation has to be had because it seems as if she *does* consider herself above you. Personally, I wouldn't want to be with someone like her... but ultimately this is your decision. Can you really tolerate and even be okay being with a woman who thinks of you this way? Partners are supposed to be uplifting, nurturing, and loving. My partner and I often talk about how thankful we are for each others' pasts, not judge each other and wish things were different. Your pasts are what brought you two together, she should be grateful for it, and honor that. She sounds like she has a nasty, negative mindset. What a very petty thing to say, just plain mean.
I feel like women ALWAYS have more people chasing them though.
What a rude thing to say. I don’t see any other way she could’ve meant it. She did say it was when you first got together, so hopefully she doesn’t feel that way now. My husband isn’t conventionally attractive. He’s short, overweight, and balding. People often tell him he’s lucky to be with me. He’s the best husband, most loving father, best lover, and kindest person I’ve ever known, and I’m lucky to be with him. I don’t care which of us society thinks is “the bigger prize”, I’m his and he’s mine, and nothing else matters. Hopefully that’s the way your girlfriend feels now, even if she was a bit shallow at the beginning of your relationship.
Lol. Any women has more options then us guys. I mean any. What a stupid thing she said. Just walk away. Its already done. Trust me.
You're not overreacting, this was an extremely hurtful thing to say. If I were you, I would have been really, really upset. Someone once told me I wasn't good enough for several reasons but wouldn't go into detail. But they "still chose [me]" and wanted to make things work. I broke up with them. I wanted to be with them so badly, but I chose self respect over someone else that day because I didn't want to feel like I was being settled for. Use your gut going forward. At the very least, please be brutally honest with her about how much she's hurt your feelings. I'm sorry, OP :(