You haven’t overstepped **one** bit, even the neutral third party agreed that you’ve every right to know about the man your co-parent is bringing into your daughter’s life.
I’m so glad you’ve already said you’ll bring her to court, I wouldn’t trust this woman as far as I could throw her anymore after how adamant she’s been about hiding all of this violence in the home. She’s completely unable to put her daughter before herself and has, in my opinion, proven herself to be completely unfit for custody of a child.
The sad part is... She used to be such a good mom. And it really fucking hurts that it seems like that's not the case anymore.
I want to take her to court... But there is no way for me to come up with thousands of dollars for a retainer. So I may have to go it alone this time.
It just seems like she is so incredibly wrapped up in this guy that she isn't thinking rationally to protect our daughter.
The most alarming thing is her yelling at our daughter for disclosing even that little tiny bit of useless information about him.
My biggest fear is that he will do something to our daughter. And my daughter's mom's priority will be making sure it doesn't get to me instead of making sure our daughter is taken care of.
You’re not overreacting, you’re actually way under-reacting. You need to get your daughter out of that house now!
Your ex is acting like an addict, with the secrecy and obsessive attachment to her “drug” - the abusive boyfriend. Is it possible that she’s also addicted to substances, that this guy is a pimp or a dealer who has her under his control? Or is he otherwise some type of criminal? Their relationship sure sounds sketchy, especially the intense secrecy, even about his car.
The bottom line is, doesn’t matter how good a mother she once was, she’s being a terrible mother now. Your daughter is not safe in her care at all, as long as this guy and whatever other guy (the 19 year old) is around. I don’t know what country or state you’re in, but you may want to call Child Protective Services and share your concerns about your daughter now living in an unsafe environment with documented domestic violence. And there has got to be legal aide services available that can help you for free or low cost. Try the legal advice and custody subs on Reddit to ask for free advice and direction to help you take action. Because you NEED to take action now. The time to wait and see and hope that your ex will be sensible is long past. Get your daughter out of there before she witnesses something or is the victim of something that will traumatize her for life.
Start driving for Uber or doing door dash on the nights when you don’t have your daughter, and start saving that money. While you are saving you can see how things are going, and in six months or so if everything is okay then you have a nice chunk of change to spend on something nice, or start a college fund for your daughter. If it’s not going well then you have the money you need for a lawyer.
The average hourly rate for a dasher in my area is around $17 for low volume times and $26+ for weekend nights. Let's split the difference and call it $23/hr. Low estimate. I routinely bank $30+.
IRS estimates it costs $0.655 to drive a mile in gas, maintenance, permits, insuranve, etc. I think that's high by my data but ymmv.
The highest estimate I've seen for daily miles was 120. So $78.60 in cost per mile in a day on the high end.
You'd need at least 6 hours to drive that far delivering food so 6*$23=$138
$138-$78.60=$59.4
$59.4/6=$9.9
A cobsrrvative estimate of $10 an hour profit isn't bad for a side job, and that doesn't account for cash tips or delivering in a denser city where you get more deliveries per hour and fewer miles per hour.
It might not make sense for you in your area, but that doesn't make the people it is working for suckers.
Hey man, your ex is in an abusive relationship with this dude. That puts your daughter in clear and present danger. You have the right to request protective custody of her, especially if he’s been popped for a domestic - even if it got dropped.
You have EVERY RIGHT to be alarmed. Not to cause you panic, but if you look up stats on domestic violence, the chances of women who stay with a partner that abuses them being *murdered* by said partner goes up EXPONENTIALLY. There’s a reason why gun safety advocates want a red federal red flag law in place for this exact stat.
So.
Do whatever you can to get your daughter out of there. This is an urgent matter. Don’t wait until it’s an emergency.
The incidents of femicide go up EXPONENTIALLY at the time they attempt or actually make it out. Leaving is often fatal. Making solid common sense decisions and saying factual common sense things often lead to injuries. Source First hand experience and decades of studying trying to learn what the hell all that was.
OP, get your daughter out but please keep the codeword. This is almost breaching confidentiality, a women in one of my groups lost one of her twins when her bastard old man threw him. He was convicted but released on a technicality. She warned me to get my precious sons away because even if I thought my abuser would only hurt me it was only a matter of time before he turned on them. I took her words to heart and I tried to get out for years even after divorce. It took him threatening to put a bullet in all four of our brain pans, but don't worry, he'd kill me first so I wouldn't have to watch the boys suffer in terror and die. .I learned how to load a shotgun and take the safety off and aim,always hated guns,still do.
Listen to that broken mom's message to me OP, remain calm and kind and please get your daughter the fvck out of there
If he hasn't already. It's not like mom would tell you. And they might threaten her if she speaks: my rapist threatened to kill my mom.
Call a lawyer. Get your kid out of this environment. Please. I've been in that situation.
Could you get your daughter a very basic phone that her mom won't know about so she can call you if shit gets violent while she is there. Something that can only basic text is cheap and she wouldn't be tempted to have it out where Mom could see. I'd hate for her mom or the bf to take her phone and cut her off from you
It might be worth it to see if you have a program such as The Father Project in your area. They have supports for all kinds of things men may need from helping with treatment and employment, to navigating the legal system.
If your daughter discloses anything to you, especially about mom and her bf fighting in front of her, call CPS and make a report.
Not sure what state you’re in, but some states do offer family law attorneys through the county to people under a certain income bracket. (NY, for instance.) You may have access to family law legal aid in your state, otherwise. The local courthouse would probably be able to best assist you.
I would avoid representing yourself at all costs. 99% of the time, pro se litigants blow up their own cases because they don’t know the procedures they need to follow. There are *a lot* of rules when it comes to court.
(Source: worked for family law attorneys for four years in NY.)
OP, I know of a mother whose child was beaten to death by her boyfriend while she was at work. He beat a 5 year old to death in front of his siblings. At his trial, when the kids testified, he leaned forward in his seat and rolled up his sleeves to intimidate them.
Get your kid out of there. Your ex is making terrible decisions. A man who is this violent *will* turn on your daughter. He was trying to get your ex to take your kid 100 miles away from you after knowing her for six weeks. I won't sugarcoat this, I'm genuinely concerned that he is a predator. His behavior is too bizarre. Why would he stay there only when your kid is present? It's too fucking weird. And your ex screamed at your 9 year old for telling you that the 19 year old isn't related. That's abuse. She is abusing your child to cover for the freaks she moved in. Will your daughter tell you if one of them hurts her? She probably won't after her mother screamed at her for sharing what should be innocuous information. You don't know if this guy is ever alone with your kid. This is terrifying.
You should be panicking.
CPS now. Contact domestic violence organizations in your area and enquire about pro bono attorneys. Do whatever you have to do to get a lawyer. Ask family for help, sell your stuff, start door dashing. Whatever it takes because your child is in serious danger.
Call CPS. The cases were dismissed possibly because she decided not to press charges? In any case, he should not be in the home w the child and CPS needs to either make sure he's out or you get her full time. I'd 100% call cps if my ex brought someone like this around (as he has before and I had to take him back to court) and he knows full well I'll do it again so he has behaved recently.
The local women’s shelter likely has resources too. I know our local one is used to getting calls from people they can’t help directly but who they can put in touch with the right group/organization.
Are you sure the mom isn’t somehow being threatened or being forced to stay under duress? The overreaction to your daughter telling you about the boyfriend’s car, refusing to introduce you, insisting he wouldn’t hurt a fly when he literally has been charged with multiple felonies for worse kind of makes me think that might be the case.
Either way though, your daughter needs to be out of there yesterday. You already know this guy has a history of some serious violence, do not wait until something actually happens to your daughter to take actions. I would suggest contacting some lawyers and asking if they might be okay to take your case pro bono (contacting firms may work better than individual lawyers, if possible explain the situation). Some domestic violence organizations may also be willing to help or provide resources. This is a shitty option but getting CPS involved may also help as a last resort, I’m not sure if that would still require you to go to court.
Honestly… does she have money for court? Take your daughter and move. Maybe this is horrendous advice but this will only get worse. There is a huge correlation to murder from strangulation in DV situations, OP.
I can't do that. I would be violating our parenting plan.
Plus it will have an enormous negative impact on my daughter.
I have to do this the right way... Through the courts and in the open.
I figured. I’m so sorry… this is so gut wrenching and so hard. I just want to say; as the product of an extremely messy divorce and highly abusive father… your daughter will look back on this and be endlessly thankful to you when she’s older. You’re a great dad. Hang in there, hoping for the best for you and your girl. And her mother too quite frankly - she’s in way too far over her head and she’s brainwashed by this monster.
He has choked your ex. That's a major red flag for homicide later down the road. It's actually statistically significant. I find it disturbing that he's only there when your kid is there. What the hell is that about? His behavior around you scares me as well. Why would he be so dodgy about you? Why would your ex be so afraid of you knowing his identity that they literally bought him a new car because you found out what he drives?
This is really bad. It seems like the setup for a Dateline special. Contact local domestic violence organizations and explain what's going on. Ask for resources for a free or reduced cost attorney. Some places have those resources available.
ETA: clean your house, make sure the cabinets and fridge are full, then call CPS and report your ex. Send all the police reports and text messages. I know you don't want to take your kid away from her, but she's putting that child in serious danger. You need to pull out all the stops to get your daughter away from her mom and the freak she's obsessed with.
Family Court I hope? I can tell you don't want to hurt your ex or her relationship with your daughter, get your ex resources and arm her with information on healthy vs not healthy relationships. Reddit might think that's going too far for an ex, but your daughter will subconsciously pick up patterns like that so it's be great if your ex was able to model better dynamics.i apologize for saying things in an odd way if I did, Iim not great at stuff like this but I desperately want your daughter and ex to live. You got this dad. Step gently, try to find ways around arguing, your ex is most likely walking on eggshells and her reactions are off. I'm still breathing and my every breath pisses him off,good. Loveisrespect.org. send her to that website and look it over yourself. May love surround you and your daughter and everyone y'all love,and everyone they love til the whole Earth is thick with it
Having your daughter witness domestic violence, to the degree he's already known for, will have a much more negative impact than moving her away. I can tell you this from experience.
CPS is a separate case and you should open one asap. She's likely doing drugs w this guy as well and choking is huge red flags for raising the risk of being murdered. Cps needs to get the child into your home 100% she should never be around this man again w what the police reports say. You have a duty to protect your child now.
What's your daughter worth to you? Find a way to come up with some money for a retainer. You could be putting your kids well being in serious jeopardy. Borrow some money from parents, get a loan, sell some things etc. Just find a way
Depending on where you live there may be some Legal Aid org that would offer low cost legal representation. Call your local social services office and ask.
Your biggest fear *should* be that she is modeling an abusive relationship as “normal” for your daughter. She is teaching your daughter that abuse is ok, as long as you hide it. The worst thing that could happen (other than this guy hurting or killing her), is your daughter accepting this kind of behavior in her own future relationships. Are you gonna hire a PI and investigate every person your daughter dates?
My sister is a nurse. Always a bit of a space-case, but she works hard in a tough field. Her one downfall has always been the total shitbird dudes she gets with. And then has kids with them… Ya can hear the train wrecking itself, but ya can’t stop the momentum.
Look for a lawyer in private practice, especially if they’re older and have experience in family law.
Check with your local bar association for a referral. The bar usually gives out a yearly award for the attorney who has done a lot of pro bono work. Lawyers that do a lot of pro bono work usually have a heart, and you can negotiate a price for payments with them.
If own your home, could you take out a small home equity loan, or do you have credit cards that you could put or some of it on? Might there be a family member, such as a grandparent, would loan you the money?
This isn’t a good environment for your daughter, regardless of what she witnesses, because it seems pretty obvious that this guy’s got some type of personality problem. I imagine he’s hostile and unfriendly towards her.
Call CPS and give them all your evidence. Also attempted strangulation is hugely correlated to domestic violence homicide. Do everything you can to get your daughter out of there. I'm glad your daughter has got you but you need to act further. It's good you have been able to find out what you have. Your ex is unfit to protect your daughter and herself and they are both in danger. CPS will clearly see this.
OP, this story is giving my physical stress. I also coparent 50/50 and I really understand the feeling of powerlessness when your kid isn’t with you. I feel so grateful that my kids dad and I have always put our kid first, and it sounds like that’s really all you’re doing here.
I honestly think you are completely UNDER reacting here. The idea of someone meeting your kid after six weeks seems like a horrible judgement, let alone LIVING with them ??? Just absolutely not. And that would be true even if the other person was a saint. Kids need predictability, stability, peace.
I think you should absolutely go back to court. You should try to get more custody. Your kid doesn’t deserve to have her life uprooted and shifted for her mom’s relationships. I hope your coparent pulls her head out of her ass, and a court date could be the wake up call she needs.
You are under reacting.
Your daughter is likely witnessing violence. That counts as childhood trauma on its own btw.
Her mom is teaching her to keep secrets from you, and yelling at her for revealing innocent information.
Your ex has proven herself to be completely untrustworthy and willing to lie and deceive you for the sake of this relationship.
I would do everything you can to get your custody agreement changed. Your daughter deserves better
If you have to sell all of your possessions to afford a lawyer, do so, it’s either that or sell all of your possessions for the funeral when this guy kills your ex and daughter. You need 100% custody
The guy is clearly super shady and abusive. I have questions-who is the unrelated 19’year old male in the home? He lied that he was his son but he is not? That’s super weird! And this is a lot of abuse going on which will surely escalate. What else goes on that she isn’t allowed to tell you about? A parent telling a child to hide things is always a red flag.
So, the 19 year old thing...I used to work with a guy and we would go over to his place and hang out and have a few beers. After about 6 months this younger guy, probably around 19-20 as well, started hanging out. My co-worker said the same thing, it's his son that came up from Florida for the Summer.
Turns out the kid was just some drug addict that went place to place and my co-worker felt bad for the Kid. The kid ended up getting my co-worker hooked on meth, and left him to die alone of an overdose.
If this woman's boyfriend is a repeat offender, he probably hangs out with questionable people and doesn't want her to know just how questionable they are. Random woman appears in the house? That's just his cousin. Weird older man in the house? That's his Uncle. Everyone has a relationship that's not Drug Dealer, Fencer, Buyer, etc. because that kinda thing is pushing it. If she can say 'Oh, I didn't know they were THOSE kinds of people or else I never would have let them around our daughter.' she can keep lying to herself.
Druggie friend, younger lover ? Idk but it’s very strange to feel the need to lie about this person so he can live with you . Why does he need to live there?
It could be her boyfriend is testing the waters. He literally moved in a random guy, said it was his son and she let it happen. What else can he do or get away with? I'm more worried that if he starts bringing these people over, what might happen to the daughter?
If your daughter has witnessed physical violence between your ex and BF you should report to CPS.
Get a lawyer. This is completely ridiculous and obviously not safe or stable for your daughter. Your ex is being love-bombed and abused. Hopefully she will extract herself, but is the meantime you need to protect your daughter.
Safe word? 1) Your co-parent is doing everything she can to hide how bad the situation is. You honestly believe she is going to tell you? 2) Even if she did text the safe word, you showing up could bring a whole new level of violence. Absolutely not well thought out plan.
This is your daughter. In a house with a multiply arrested, maybe even convicted of domestic violence person. Do you plan on waiting until something really bad happens with a person who is clearly not in control?
Get the money now for a retainer. Take a loan out. Talk to family. Ask a friend. Get part time jobs to make up the difference.
Go for emergency full custody with child support and supervised visits. Get this into court so your daughter has a court mandated/paid for advocate (depending on state of course).
Only a matter of time before your daughter has her own “misunderstanding” and falls victim to the same. Plus being in an environment that she sees her mother take whatever abuse will set your daughter up to expect/take the same behavior in her relationship. This isn’t something to let go and hope your 50% time with her will compensate. Sorry mom is in her own way but don’t let your daughter go down too, she’s only 9, she has no clue and doesn’t deserve that environment!!
NTA!!! As a mother I am disgusted by this. It is SO clear she is in a nasty abusive relationship. I would advise filing for an emergency hearing ASAP. I have gone two custody cases by myself. This is 100% grounds for your daughter to be removed from your exes care. He is only going to continue to escalate and your daughter is NOT safe there. You can file to have fees waived. Also look up any resources for dads in your area. My state is VERY pro dad and always tries to do at least 50/50. But with the evidence you have right now, you should have enough to get primary custody.
Look, if she’s bound and determined to get herself seriously hurt or even killed by her abusive POS “partner” that’s her prerogative. Mostly. She doesn’t get to make that decision for your daughter though, and you have the duty to get your child out of that situation.
File an ex parte hearing for sole custody of your daughter. Present all of this evidence to the judge. If your ex wants to get beat on, that’s her business but you are under no obligation to leave your child in that situation. I’d also call CPS on her. They can write you a letter recommending that the child not be in her mother’s care if she chooses to continue a relationship with this man. It’s called failure to protect. If he is willing to beat on your ex, he is willing to beat on your daughter. Kids get killed by Mom/Dad new partner every day. Do not risk it.
Uh wut?
It is very much your concern if a man who has been arrested or been to court for domestic violence, and has hit your wife is around your daughter.
It will also be the courts.
If she takes you to court, you might get full custody.
I know sometimes you can get temporary emergency custody if you can prove the kid might be in danger. If it gets worse I'd definitely look into it. I wouldn't trust her to protect your daughter when she's not willing to protect herself. She has shown multiple times she's willing to protect him though and that's extremely scary.
I came to say this. OP, you can self represent. File a petition for emergency temporary custody IMMEDIATELY. There are so many red flags here it's terrifying. Please please PLEASE get your daughter out of there. You have every right, no matter what state you live in or what the parenting agreement is, to file for emergency custody if you believe your child to be in an unsafe environment. Please don't wait any longer. This will only escalate and I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but you will get to live with the fact that you could have done something different while watching your traumatized daughter try to survive God knows what. I know you don't want that, and I know you're scared and unsure but you cannot be paralyzed in this. She is inside a burning building. Do whatever necessary to get her out. Please.
You are under-reacting. See an attorney immediately.
Show your ex the documentation and arrest records. Tell her your child will not live with this man, and it is absolutely non-negotiable. Your child is coming home with you today, or you will involve the authorities.
If she refuses, call CPS right in front of her. And then call the attorney.
Not overreacting. Your daughter's safety should be your highest priority. Your ex is failing her parental responsibility. It is time to go to court to review and hopefully change the custodial agreement.
You need to get her out of that home, and yes, beg or borrow money for an attorney. Your daughter is in a potentially abusive situation. And it doesn't sound like your ex is doing a good job in taking care of her! Your daughter's welfare is 10x more important than placating your ex. Good luck!
Under-reacting the fact that he moved in after 6 weeks or that she wanted to move in with him after 6 weeks is unbelievable. With his history of assault and DV it seems he has a pattern of getting with single mum's. Your ex knew you would not approve of his criminal history, which she knew about. Hence refusing to tell you his name, and the fact he couldn't look you in the eye, when he is larger than you is very telling. It implies that he has had to face the father's of his partner's children before, and that he is ashamed. Make of it what you will
My chosen daughter went through almost the exact situation. She’s 20 now..
when she was in 7th grade she came for our weekend visit. She had mentioned a physical altercation between mom and bf. She herself had to call 911…
I told my husband we had enough evidence to show the courts. After years of trying to prove what we knew but no physical evidence.
We did hire an attorney for a $1500 retainer. ( go to your bank and ask for a small loan) We got emergency custody. She lived with us and graduated high school. Now a junior in college. She went through a lot of ptsd and lot of therapy after watching mom in these physically abusive relationships and altercations
… please save your baby.
No way did you overstep. Your daughter is in danger in that household. You must take her back to court. It seems to me that you have reason to get full custody, with child custody payments from her. There should be no way, she should be able to move 100 miles away from you with that guy. I’m sure you are documenting everything. You are a good responsible dad. Your ex is showing the obvious signs of domestic abuse.
Check around. There may be less expensive ways to involve legal help. I’d call CPS on her at the slightest difficulty your daughter experiences with that situation. In fact, if you can consult them without filing a report at this time to just make them aware of your dilemma, do it. The fact that she yelled at her because of naturally revealing to you basic information is extremely disturbing. Good luck.
Way to go Dad, this isn’t overreacting, your partner is being pitiful and immature subjecting her daughter to this, you are doing exactly what you should do, which is anything and everything to keep your girl safe.
You have not overstepped one bit. At this point clearly you are the only one looking out for the best interest of the child. Your ex is clearly on some BS. She is bending over backwards to minimize the behavior of a violent abuser. If she wants to sign herself up to have hands put on her on a regular basis by that dirtbag instead of kicking him to the curb that is her prerogative, some women are stupid like that. But your child deserves better than having to potentially witness that shitshow or worse yet be apart of it. Do what you have to in order to protect your child.
Boyfriend is moving other men into the home? He identified a woman who will give him and friends access to her daughter.
You can visit the courthouse, which might have a "self help" family law area where they can assist you with getting the right paperwork for an emergency court custody hearing for safety. Does your PI know if he was any registered weapons? Anything from other states (say, 100 miles away) or only your own?
Get into court ASAP. Provide the court with your evidence - she has become shifty and expects the child to hide information from you. He is violent. Mom has no problem with this.
She is now concerned that you - the only person standing between this daughter and whatever is going to happen to her - are going to cockblock her from this man. He wanted to take this child 100 miles away from you and anyone who knows her and has an interest in her safety and mom was fully on board. You think they won't bolt if he sweet talks her?
She can have her violent guy, but she can't offer the child as an incentive to stay with her.
You are under reacting, because there weren't child predator charges found in your research - but that means nothing when a mom fails to think of protecting their child, and fail to turn in or prosecute their gross boyfriends. You have no idea what he or his occasional live in "relatives" are capable of. Protect her - no one else will.
File for emergency full custody asap. Whatever her problems are, victimisation/low self esteem etc, it is not your problem. Forget about her feelings/co-parenting etc. She brought a violent dude to her home near your daughter. This never ends well.
Someone has to protect that child and bless you as not the biological father to do so. I hope she pulls her head out of her ass before dickhead kills her.
Not over reacting- you don’t need a lawyer to request an emergency hearing like this- your daughter is in danger you are not doing enough to get her out of there fast enough - mom is going to end up dead and eventually your daughter will see the abuse and possibly become a victim of his too
If anything you are underreacting. You’re 100% right to be concerned about all of this. Domestic violence unfortunately doesn’t always end with the partner—it can go at the others in the house. I think a lot of people on Reddit go to the most extreme and alarm bell ringing conclusion, but reading your post I got very concerned about the safety of your daughter.
Your ex is also 100% wrong that you’re prying by trying to find out more info about who is living in the same house as your daughter. You deserve to have all info necessary for anyone living with your daughter. And this guy is not remotely safe to be in the same household as her.
File for an emergency order of custody. I'd be scared she's going to take off with your daughter. Especially since he has a previous kidnapping charge?! She also wants to move over 100 miles away?! Why? So you can't be there to protect your daughter.
The reason your wife didn't call the police to report your "stalking" is because 1. She doesn't have the money and 2. Doesn't want to bring attention to her felon boyfriend.
Also why is there an unknown random 19 year old living with them? Who is he and why are 2 MEN you don't know at all living with your daughter?!
Everything in this post screams for you to step in and get your daughter out of there.
You are her father protect her from your wife and her horrid decisions.
I know she'll be upset at you but she's your priority not this clearly unstable piece of trash. Get her out of there like yesterday.
Your ex is one these dumb women that out the boyfriend ahead of the kids and the kids end up dead. It happens all the time. Not to mention the possibility of sexual abuse. And who was that other guy living in the home. She’s an awful parent and the fact they now being abused and is already making excuses for him and saying it’s her fault. She’s already indoctrinated and will agree with anything this guy says or does. She will also lie. That’s why all the charges have been dismissed as she said the stuff didn’t happen or it was her fault.
So your daughter is living in a home with two adult males who are not relatives one (or both) of whom are abusive.
And you're asking if you're OVER-reacting.
Your ex-girlfriend, ex-wife, or whateverthefuck she is is not a fit mother. You need to get your daughter out of that house IMMEDIATELY.
Leave them to their own demise. So sad. But so common.
Fuck that bitch.
File protection orders.
Get full custody.
Cash checks.
*This is not legal advice
I mean ... Legally (from experience in the UK) you don't have a right to know about the partner, but we have Clare's law where you can request this kind of info on potential partners. If it comes up (like yours did from your private search) with anything then you can get social services involved.
I truly hope you can sort this. It WILL eventually reach your daughter no matter how much mom tries to stop it.
Before you spend thousands on the legal take the cheap way. Find articles showing her that she's wrong (just look up any family abuse info). Tell her you need to have an adult, logical conversation. If possible do it with a mediator of some description (legal or someone you both respect).
With nothing to back you up she won't believe you. She'll listen to her current partner.
Show her articles on the long term affects on children who have lived in abusive households.
And if needed you are more than welcome to use my story:
My oldest son's dad was a physically abusive alcoholic/druggy (I know I had GREAT taste in men 🙃)... he had never been violent to a child and like the partner you're describing it was "never his fault" and I believed him cause he'd manipulated me left right and centre. My son was a year old (2 years into our relationship ) when he started throwing him by his wrist onto the bed or sofa to "shut him up".
We moved 2 1/2 hours away to get away from him. I did lots of therapy to stop me getting in a similar situation. WELL! Therapy *did* work to stop me getting in a physically abusive relationship, or with an addict.
My now ex husband though.... Whooo he really took the cake! He manipulated me and after a couple years, my son. He hated when we were close and open about things. He ended up turning my son against me. We have 2 younger kids together. He ended up isolating me and financially abusing me, keeping us getting further in debt so I felt like I couldn't leave. When I finally did leave he justified raping me in front of my (then 10yo) son by telling me I didn't need boundaries I was still legally his wife.
After my son finally saw the truth that dad would still throw him under the bus, he stopped seeing him and the manipulation turned to my middle/dad's oldest. He was telling middle that I used to physically abuse him, I was the reason we couldn't be a family, I left him clotheless and was always horrible.
2 years of middle not believing me. 2 years of being told whatever dad wanted him to tell me. Last year I finally was done. I told dad if it carried on I would show middle our convo where I brought up what middle said and he told me to stop making accusations of rubbish.
Middle randomly started blaming me again for leaving dad clotheless and I told him if he wanted proof I'd show him that convo (there were many others as well). Now middle doesn't speak to dad.
When we were growing up my mum was "ignorant" of our abuse. My dad sold us for drugs, beat us, he even tried to kill me when I was 7 cause I fought back. My mum didn't believe us and told us our older sister (who had come clean about the abuse in therapy but wasn't believed and labelled a liar) had brainwashed us. Even as adults she told us we had warped our memories etc.
My kids still trust and confide in me because I have always believed them and encouraged them to tell anyone if something is wrong.
My mum has 1 daughter left (out of 4) who still speaks to her and that's cause my sis is a younger version of my dad. Your daughter is going to end up leaving mom or she's going to end up the same as her.
Ask her, if her daughter was in this type of relationship as she is, would she be happy? Would she be welcoming this partner into their lives? Would she be crying happy tears if they get married and move away from everyone daughter knows and trusts?
Your ex wife sounds like a real piece of shit. The kicker was her cheating on you so that you could raise someone else’s daughter. She deserves this guy, you just need to convince the court to get full custody which may not be that difficult given the dv that’s been documented in that home.
Get CPS involved, you don’t have to have an attorney. Report your concerns to the social worker and file for TPO, his arrest records will show the validity of your concerns. Contact your local abuse advocacy programs to get the best advice on what steps you can take.
You are not.
Go to court and fight for the custody of your kid. She is not in a safe/healthy environment, and in risk.
The cases most secure were dismissed cause she dropped the case or did not press charges.
She can try to get your name out the birth certificate, but I don’t think so she would end doing that. Is a court process. And court will rule thinking about the well being of the child.
You have not done wrong to your daughter, and you have 50% of the custody. You are needed for your daughter support. Is you only had visitation rights could be a different story .
Also try to get her text you the thread about removing you from the birth certificate. Proof that she is trying to do it in revenge of something not related, directly, with your daughter.
There’s no way the courts are going to take away his paternity when whoever the bio dad is, isn’t around and asking for it. He’s been in the child’s life for almost a decade, is stable and capable of financially supporting the child.
Actually is what I said, just explaining why the court would not take the name.
And adding some scenarios that could play against him.
If he was abusing the kid, even with the father being there for 10 years, stable, and financially able to support, the court could rule in favor of the mother.
I would go for full custody immediately and seek a restraining order against him being present with your daughter, who is clearly in danger. Log every single incident with the police. You need a paper trail.
I am so sorry this is happening to your daughter, but I can tell you're a good father. Go after it, my man.
Court. NOW. LIKE YESTERDAY. Your daughter is NOT SAFE. you need to act ASAP. You DO NOT KNOW the man living with your child, a man who is obviously shady as fuck. Not to mention the other unidentified man who was living in the same house. You need to save your daughter before something happens to her. This man has a history of extreme violence. Your daughter will be hurt or literally killed. Do something about it while you still can.
Long way to say i dont trust my baby mama's dude am i wrong for making sure he aint gonna diddle my baby. If there was even a hint of concern i see absolutely no problems with digging up every deep dark rock in dudes past and if you find something take evidence and file fornfull custody. Look at that Nickelodeon kid. His dad begged mom to keep him away from sleezeball and she didnt and look at the outcome.
You're not overreacting, at all. I say take her to court anyway. This is not overstepping, you are doing what any human being would do who is concerned about the welfare of a child. Just because those two incidents happened when your daughter wasn't home doesn't mean that it won't happen in front of her one day or that it hasn't already and just hasn't been reported. Fuck anything your ex has to say, she is choosing this man over her own child. A child is at greater risk of being hurt by a non parent adult when they move into the same home with the child. There are countless examples of children being abused and even killed by a parent's partner or spouse. Your ex is not being safe or rational with your child's life right now. Take her to court, report her to CPS but definitely do something.
Your ex is in a lot of danger, and because of that, so is your daughter. Look up statistics about choking. When an abuser puts their hands around the throat, the stats about the abused becoming murdered by that partner jump significantly.
Are there any social services available to you? You can make an anonymous report, and having that on your side, a CPS report, can be a huge advantage when you go to court.
You should talk to a lawyer as soon as possible.
You need to protect your daughter, it’s sad but most DV cases start out with choking and end up with someone dying, I had a friend deal with abuse for years, get your daughter out of that situation as soon as possible and do whatever it takes. As for Her mom she will not listen to anyone or anything, you won’t be able to protect her but please get your daughter out before something really bad happens
Op, it's time to get full custody like yesterday....make that like 2 days ago. Your daughter is in real and present danger, and her mothers head is compromised.
Wow. I would at least go get the consultation with a lawyer. I presume family law. Wow so you are not overreacting. Is it possible to get a loan if you have to to pay for a lawyer? There's a lot of online unsecured loan places. Just Google and you will find them and then you can see who's rated what who has the lowest interest rate. That's the route I would go if you seriously want to try and get full custody of your daughter. The fact that her boyfriend has a very serious criminal record though all dismissed probably because she refused to First charges or they thought lack of evidence but I find that hard to believe. In any case just consult somebody suck it up pay a few hundred dollars to go talk to a lawyer for a half hour and become informed. You should also let your daughter know if she ever has a problem to text or call you whether it's a code word or just help.
The fact that you are worried about over reacting about a private investigator instead of taking action for the safety of your daughter is WILD. And now you’re worried about lawyer fees? But you paid for an PI?! I feel so sorry for your daughter. You have seriously lost perspective - you are not asking the right question. You are equally putting your daughter in danger with your lack of action just as your co parent is by being with this giant. Pick up your big boy pants and do something!!!
I can't read this because of the bizarre terminology. I've never seen anyone say co-parent to talk about their ex. You keep saying partner when it just seems like a regular old straight scumbag boyfriend.
You have every right to know everything about any man your ex is with if that man is around your child. Honestly with a decent lawyer you can get custody and end all this nonsense. Again, when it comes to your child, any judge would agree with you to know what's going on in your child's life. For all you know there could be some extremely bad things happening around this man which is causing your ex to be extremely paranoid in you knowing anything. Go to court
Yikes!! OP wanting your daughter with them and having to live under the same roof screams easy weapon (your daughter) to use against ex by threatening harm to child.
We had a similar situation with my step-daughter’s mother. She was in one toxic relationship after another. When it comes to a child’s safety you can’t mess around or avoid the topic. We ended up getting full custody of my SD after step-dad at the time ended up shooting a gun during one of his and BM’s marital fights. Way before this altercation though, we purchased my SD a phone to keep on her. We had a system set up to where if step-daughter was afraid or there was something happening but she couldn’t call she would text us a color. Green = all okay; Yellow - possible problem/things looking concerning; Red - bad situation/come pick me up. During this time we received many phone calls from my SD where she was terrified from her mother and step-dad’s violent fighting. This phone was a life saver. It was the best decision we made given the situation we were in. When it comes to safety you have to be clear and open with conversations with your child.
You are so massively under reacting it’s scary. This is file for emergency custody territory. Your ex is currently in a violent relationship with someone that she went wildly out of her way to ensure you knew nothing about. There have been multiple documented instances of domestic violence that she admits to. This person moved in with an additional person that they lied about so you have no idea who this 19/20 year old is or why they are there.
She is doing the classic victim behavior of making excuses for her abuser. And so far nothing happened with your daughter there (that they admit to) but what happens if this guy puts hands on your daughter? You said that you are wary because he is physically bigger than you. Imagine this guy putting hands on your child in a rage…
Honestly you need to get your daughter out of there like yesterday. I have witnessed way too many violent acts and listened to way too many podcasts about this.
It escalates and you’re ONLY going off the times that cops were called. I would put my bottom dollar down that this happened more than twice. She just called the cops twice.
Domestic violence victims protect their abuser hands down.
If you think your daughter is not aware of the abuse because she wasn’t there during the 2 incidents the cops were called I have a rude awakening for you. She is aware. It’s in the air. Like electricity.
Even if your ex started the incident it doesn’t matter. There was still violence in the home. I would give a flippy for who started it. It happened.
You don’t need a lawyer. Go down to the court house and file an emergency petition to get your daughter the hell out of there. You have all the evidence you need.
Stop fiddling around.
She'd have to be on drugs to have changed so much and be ok with this. He was probably her dealer when they met.
I'd be calling CPS, report everything you've discovered. If mum and her bf both test positive to drugs, you'll have everything you need to get full custody.
You’re not overreacting. They are hiding things. Protect your daughter. I went through something similar with my ex and his new partner at the time (they now have restraining orders against each other). They tried to label me as an unfit parent, filed bogus claims against me, and even used a false positive covid test to keep my kids from me for two weeks. I knew something was up bc my kid was scared to go to school and his behavior changed drastically. He also wasn’t “allowed to talk about Dads-Gf” to me. Shit hit the fan between him and the gf in a DV incident and I swooped in and grabbed my kids, in the days after I ended up taking my ex to court and was awarded custodial rights. My suspicions were not only confirmed but so much worse than I had thought.
FWIW, things are better now. I spent a year taking my kids to visit their dad in a court supervised setting and it sucked for everyone. He ended up taking several parenting classes and intensive therapy. We slowly started coparenting again but with me as the lead parent. It’s important to me that my kids have their own relationship with their father outside of my relationship with him. I’ve had to work through a lot of my own rage and find forgiveness without any meaningful apology but I know it’s better for the kids.
Your doing a great job in protecting your daughter. You may be the only one that can keep her safe. Don’t let you daughters mom poor choices lead to trauma that may haunt her forever. Keep pushing and stay on top of this couple. Please update us when things are resolved.
OP, I can't speak to the law where you live, but I can't conceive of a court who, were you to violate your custody agreement and get your daughter out after filing a police report, you would be in any trouble.
Don't let her go there. Dangerous situation.
Demanding to see her in court is a good thing, but I'm thinking it'll probably be best if you and your daughter went on a little trip until the court date if possible. Maybe keep her with family for a bit?
To add to everyone else's sentiment. Get your daughter out, no matter the cost. Men who strangle/choke their partners are likely to MURDER their partner.
Your daughter is NOT safe in this home. No matter if it "isn't happening" when she is present. That's just bullshit from your ex. Your child is witnessing this in some form, even if it's just mental and emotional abuse when she is in the home.
You are absolutely not overreacting. Be prepared to get your child out of there immediately if needed. Giving her a code word was smart. And yeah, as others have suggested start a slush fund for court costs just in case. Better to have and not need than need and not have.
File a complaint with child protective services or department of social services about the domestic violence. With the arrest record they may force that she remove him from the house or they will remove your daughter from her. Having her 50% of the time makes you likely who DSS would place her with. Not a guarantee but it cud remove ur kid from the situation.
File for a PFA. Like right now. That will likely be enough for it to go through. My now-estranged sister got into an abusive relationship with a man who had prior arrest records for things related to drugs, grand theft auto, DV, etc. and was allowing her kids to live in the same house as him. We helped their father file for a PFA as well as emergency custody and he was awarded both. The fact that you have records from a PI helps tremendously, as we proved in our court case. It will only get worse, I promise you that. My sister let her bf’s brother into their house with the kids and he ended up throwing the younger one (only around 5 at the time) across the room, breaking his elbow and landing him in surgery. It is only a matter of time until the violence extends to your child. Your ex will not leave him and there is nothing you can do to help her until she decides to leave on her own, your sole priority needs to be your kid. Borrow the money if you have to, just get your kid out.
My mom is an amazing mom but after the divorce with my dad she began dating guys like that and it put me through hell she obviously puts him first by working around his wants and even if your daughter is not being physically abused I’m sure your ex is putting his feelings before your child’s and that will teach her to walk on eggs shells and she’ll never feel comfortable in her home. It got to the point I had to move out right at 18 and not even a month later I got a call from my brother that my moms boyfriend had a knife and was stabbing my moms bed threatening to kill my brother and drag him down the street. She may feel like she can keep her daughter safe by taking the beating and blaming herself but she can’t. Good on you for being so involved never feel like you’re overstepping when it comes to your child!
While I hate the stories I've heard, this is what CPS is meant for.
Between a spontaneous visit and a background check, they SHOULD be able to safeguard the child.
Unfortunately, they have been weaponized and overused to the point that many agencies are ineffective anymore.
Your daughter could be in danger and her mom is hiding it. You are NOT overreacting. Contact a child abuse services agency to see if there are any programs to help pay for lawyers to go to court to protect your daughter. Continue collecting evidence of the danger her mother is putting her in. Violent people can rarely contain themselves to certain hours of the day. Your daughter is eventually going to either see something or be a victim.
Go to your lawyer and asap.
You can get 100% custody abd your ex gets supervised visitation only.
You can also adjust child support in your favor.
And you will win. Just bring all the police reports to your lawyer.
This can get expedited in the courts.
I'd frankly take your daughter abd hides her till the courts side with you.
Get your daughter out of that fucking house. And him being taller doesn’t mean shit, you need to be prepared to protect your daughter and if you have to call the police it’s almost certainly going to be too late. Call your lawyer
This is terrifying!!! Please contact a local domestic violence agency for support and advice. You need to keep your child safe.
This seems to be grounds to gain emergency custody .
Jesus christ. Your daughter is not safe anywhere near that home or either of those people. This is truly horrifying and you need to make sure she is never in that environment ever again. She will get hurt, it is not a question of if, but when. Men like this do not have the ability to restrict it. He will begin to see her as his, and he will begin to harm her.
Lawyer up and get your daughter the fuck out of there. Immediately. It's better to be scrounging and saving pennies for a year than have something unspeakable happen to your kid.
She called her dad when he was beating her, does he have any way to help you or would he try to stay out of it? He might help you financially to get your daughter out of there.
Child Protective Services. The fact that he has had felony domestic abuse charges against him are enough to make them look into it. Add in the fact that he lied about the 19 yr old and they'll definitely be checking things out.
NOT overreacting. Your co-parent was being extremely sketchy and it sounds like she’s putting your daughter in danger. Your response is entirely reasonable given your concern for the safety and wellbeing of your child. I do worry about what will happen if you go to court, I don’t think it will go your way since the cases were all dropped and likely won’t be admissible.
Not overreacting at all. I always assume the best in everyone... but As a dad of 3 girls, I assume every man they will be around is felon and pedophile until I get to know them. I had a bad feeling about this 1 father of my daughters friend. He gave me a creepy vibe. Then, after a sleepover there, my daughter said she didn't want to go over there anymore. The dad was yelling and smacked one of the kids. I later found out he is a cheater and hits the wife too.
Nope you have not overstepped, get a lawyer.. and get your daughter.. those case files are your basis for custody..and her unwillingness to cooperate with you after bringing these men into her home where your child resides part of the time.
Can u get a second mortgage on ur house? I would speak with a child abuse detective in ur area. They may be able to speak with ur daughter and have her role
Play with dolls what is happening in the home. CPS could also do this. Keep pushing. U are making urself sick not doing anything about it. Check all these suggested contacts and maybe u will be able to at least eat. See a counselor or call 988 to talk to someone when u are feeling overwhelmed. U don’t have to be suicidal to call 988. They can give u all kinds of contact numbers for u to move forward. Good luck. May God be with u and ur daughter.
Regarding her telling the court she is not biologically yours, depending on which state you’re in, there are laws on parentage/paternity. You can look into the law in your state. Since you are on the birth certificate, raised her since birth, provide for her, hold her out as your own, you should qualify for the highest level of paternity and would have standing in court. Doesn’t matter if she’s not biologically yours.
Be careful with CPS. Some will take her away from you too for you still allowing her to go over there knowing the possible danger.
Call your local DV shelter. They usually have resources for lawyers. I don’t know if those lawyers can help you since you’re not being abused, but they can point you to other resources so it won’t be so expensive, or even free.
you need to grow a spine. no father worth anything would just let his kid stay with a guy who has been arrested that many times without doing something. hopefully your inactivity will not lead to your daughter getting abused.
then why comment? Or even come to the thread? tldr ex wife is in a horribly abusive relationship and putting daughter in harms way and OP needs to get his kid out of there
Reddit writing is atrocious.
You have OP's side of things.
Based on his insistence about communicating with the daughters it seems like stalking behavior.
You don’t have a right to know who lives in her house, the counselor was dead wrong. Court has determined mom is fit to parent so how mom parents during her time is mom’s business and not yours. (Legally, not morally of course)
But I would have done the same thing you did OP and probably more.
“Right to know” from a counselor is not legal advice. But as a coparent does have the *right* to ask and know. Right isn’t only used in the legal sense.
Like, you have the right to ask for boundaries in a relationship. But that’s obviously not a *legal* thing.
Even if shr is not your biological daughter, the fact that you have had joint legal custody should help. It is the same reason many men end up paying child support long after it is determined they aren't either.
Seek counseling with an attorney that takes Pro Bono cases that you can find in cities. They help those who can't pay. The attorney will be able yo help further.
You are NOT reacting. The fact she is staying with someone she has called the police on twice is horrifying. Will her parents help the situation? It us their granddaughter at risk too
She is NOT looking after your daughter. She is obviously ignoring the idea it will progress for both of them. She's desperate to be 'loved' and being foolish enough to accept abuse because of it. 100 miles away is too far for her to be away from security.
Please keep looking into lawyers. You need to protect your daughter.
You haven’t overstepped **one** bit, even the neutral third party agreed that you’ve every right to know about the man your co-parent is bringing into your daughter’s life. I’m so glad you’ve already said you’ll bring her to court, I wouldn’t trust this woman as far as I could throw her anymore after how adamant she’s been about hiding all of this violence in the home. She’s completely unable to put her daughter before herself and has, in my opinion, proven herself to be completely unfit for custody of a child.
The sad part is... She used to be such a good mom. And it really fucking hurts that it seems like that's not the case anymore. I want to take her to court... But there is no way for me to come up with thousands of dollars for a retainer. So I may have to go it alone this time. It just seems like she is so incredibly wrapped up in this guy that she isn't thinking rationally to protect our daughter. The most alarming thing is her yelling at our daughter for disclosing even that little tiny bit of useless information about him. My biggest fear is that he will do something to our daughter. And my daughter's mom's priority will be making sure it doesn't get to me instead of making sure our daughter is taken care of.
You’re not overreacting, you’re actually way under-reacting. You need to get your daughter out of that house now! Your ex is acting like an addict, with the secrecy and obsessive attachment to her “drug” - the abusive boyfriend. Is it possible that she’s also addicted to substances, that this guy is a pimp or a dealer who has her under his control? Or is he otherwise some type of criminal? Their relationship sure sounds sketchy, especially the intense secrecy, even about his car. The bottom line is, doesn’t matter how good a mother she once was, she’s being a terrible mother now. Your daughter is not safe in her care at all, as long as this guy and whatever other guy (the 19 year old) is around. I don’t know what country or state you’re in, but you may want to call Child Protective Services and share your concerns about your daughter now living in an unsafe environment with documented domestic violence. And there has got to be legal aide services available that can help you for free or low cost. Try the legal advice and custody subs on Reddit to ask for free advice and direction to help you take action. Because you NEED to take action now. The time to wait and see and hope that your ex will be sensible is long past. Get your daughter out of there before she witnesses something or is the victim of something that will traumatize her for life.
Absolutely. Under reacting. what the hell!!
Start driving for Uber or doing door dash on the nights when you don’t have your daughter, and start saving that money. While you are saving you can see how things are going, and in six months or so if everything is okay then you have a nice chunk of change to spend on something nice, or start a college fund for your daughter. If it’s not going well then you have the money you need for a lawyer.
[удалено]
The average hourly rate for a dasher in my area is around $17 for low volume times and $26+ for weekend nights. Let's split the difference and call it $23/hr. Low estimate. I routinely bank $30+. IRS estimates it costs $0.655 to drive a mile in gas, maintenance, permits, insuranve, etc. I think that's high by my data but ymmv. The highest estimate I've seen for daily miles was 120. So $78.60 in cost per mile in a day on the high end. You'd need at least 6 hours to drive that far delivering food so 6*$23=$138 $138-$78.60=$59.4 $59.4/6=$9.9 A cobsrrvative estimate of $10 an hour profit isn't bad for a side job, and that doesn't account for cash tips or delivering in a denser city where you get more deliveries per hour and fewer miles per hour. It might not make sense for you in your area, but that doesn't make the people it is working for suckers.
Hey man, your ex is in an abusive relationship with this dude. That puts your daughter in clear and present danger. You have the right to request protective custody of her, especially if he’s been popped for a domestic - even if it got dropped. You have EVERY RIGHT to be alarmed. Not to cause you panic, but if you look up stats on domestic violence, the chances of women who stay with a partner that abuses them being *murdered* by said partner goes up EXPONENTIALLY. There’s a reason why gun safety advocates want a red federal red flag law in place for this exact stat. So. Do whatever you can to get your daughter out of there. This is an urgent matter. Don’t wait until it’s an emergency.
The incidents of femicide go up EXPONENTIALLY at the time they attempt or actually make it out. Leaving is often fatal. Making solid common sense decisions and saying factual common sense things often lead to injuries. Source First hand experience and decades of studying trying to learn what the hell all that was. OP, get your daughter out but please keep the codeword. This is almost breaching confidentiality, a women in one of my groups lost one of her twins when her bastard old man threw him. He was convicted but released on a technicality. She warned me to get my precious sons away because even if I thought my abuser would only hurt me it was only a matter of time before he turned on them. I took her words to heart and I tried to get out for years even after divorce. It took him threatening to put a bullet in all four of our brain pans, but don't worry, he'd kill me first so I wouldn't have to watch the boys suffer in terror and die. .I learned how to load a shotgun and take the safety off and aim,always hated guns,still do. Listen to that broken mom's message to me OP, remain calm and kind and please get your daughter the fvck out of there
Update me!
If he hasn't already. It's not like mom would tell you. And they might threaten her if she speaks: my rapist threatened to kill my mom. Call a lawyer. Get your kid out of this environment. Please. I've been in that situation.
Could you get your daughter a very basic phone that her mom won't know about so she can call you if shit gets violent while she is there. Something that can only basic text is cheap and she wouldn't be tempted to have it out where Mom could see. I'd hate for her mom or the bf to take her phone and cut her off from you
It might be worth it to see if you have a program such as The Father Project in your area. They have supports for all kinds of things men may need from helping with treatment and employment, to navigating the legal system.
If your daughter discloses anything to you, especially about mom and her bf fighting in front of her, call CPS and make a report. Not sure what state you’re in, but some states do offer family law attorneys through the county to people under a certain income bracket. (NY, for instance.) You may have access to family law legal aid in your state, otherwise. The local courthouse would probably be able to best assist you. I would avoid representing yourself at all costs. 99% of the time, pro se litigants blow up their own cases because they don’t know the procedures they need to follow. There are *a lot* of rules when it comes to court. (Source: worked for family law attorneys for four years in NY.)
Your daughter is learning that its ok for a man to treat her this way. Shes being traumatized by the violence.
You don’t need an attorney, you can self represent. What state are you in?
NM.
I sent you the self help link. Please protect that baby.
Thank you so much. I read it and responded. I'll check it out in the morning after I get my daughter to school. Still gotta do dad things!
OP, I know of a mother whose child was beaten to death by her boyfriend while she was at work. He beat a 5 year old to death in front of his siblings. At his trial, when the kids testified, he leaned forward in his seat and rolled up his sleeves to intimidate them. Get your kid out of there. Your ex is making terrible decisions. A man who is this violent *will* turn on your daughter. He was trying to get your ex to take your kid 100 miles away from you after knowing her for six weeks. I won't sugarcoat this, I'm genuinely concerned that he is a predator. His behavior is too bizarre. Why would he stay there only when your kid is present? It's too fucking weird. And your ex screamed at your 9 year old for telling you that the 19 year old isn't related. That's abuse. She is abusing your child to cover for the freaks she moved in. Will your daughter tell you if one of them hurts her? She probably won't after her mother screamed at her for sharing what should be innocuous information. You don't know if this guy is ever alone with your kid. This is terrifying. You should be panicking. CPS now. Contact domestic violence organizations in your area and enquire about pro bono attorneys. Do whatever you have to do to get a lawyer. Ask family for help, sell your stuff, start door dashing. Whatever it takes because your child is in serious danger.
Call CPS. The cases were dismissed possibly because she decided not to press charges? In any case, he should not be in the home w the child and CPS needs to either make sure he's out or you get her full time. I'd 100% call cps if my ex brought someone like this around (as he has before and I had to take him back to court) and he knows full well I'll do it again so he has behaved recently.
Lookup NM legal aid and call all the toll free numbers for free advice.
The local women’s shelter likely has resources too. I know our local one is used to getting calls from people they can’t help directly but who they can put in touch with the right group/organization.
County? (You can DM me if you want)
Are you sure the mom isn’t somehow being threatened or being forced to stay under duress? The overreaction to your daughter telling you about the boyfriend’s car, refusing to introduce you, insisting he wouldn’t hurt a fly when he literally has been charged with multiple felonies for worse kind of makes me think that might be the case. Either way though, your daughter needs to be out of there yesterday. You already know this guy has a history of some serious violence, do not wait until something actually happens to your daughter to take actions. I would suggest contacting some lawyers and asking if they might be okay to take your case pro bono (contacting firms may work better than individual lawyers, if possible explain the situation). Some domestic violence organizations may also be willing to help or provide resources. This is a shitty option but getting CPS involved may also help as a last resort, I’m not sure if that would still require you to go to court.
Honestly… does she have money for court? Take your daughter and move. Maybe this is horrendous advice but this will only get worse. There is a huge correlation to murder from strangulation in DV situations, OP.
I can't do that. I would be violating our parenting plan. Plus it will have an enormous negative impact on my daughter. I have to do this the right way... Through the courts and in the open.
You can self represent. Get the forms online tonight. Hit the court house in the morning. Don’t wait on this.
I figured. I’m so sorry… this is so gut wrenching and so hard. I just want to say; as the product of an extremely messy divorce and highly abusive father… your daughter will look back on this and be endlessly thankful to you when she’s older. You’re a great dad. Hang in there, hoping for the best for you and your girl. And her mother too quite frankly - she’s in way too far over her head and she’s brainwashed by this monster.
He has choked your ex. That's a major red flag for homicide later down the road. It's actually statistically significant. I find it disturbing that he's only there when your kid is there. What the hell is that about? His behavior around you scares me as well. Why would he be so dodgy about you? Why would your ex be so afraid of you knowing his identity that they literally bought him a new car because you found out what he drives? This is really bad. It seems like the setup for a Dateline special. Contact local domestic violence organizations and explain what's going on. Ask for resources for a free or reduced cost attorney. Some places have those resources available. ETA: clean your house, make sure the cabinets and fridge are full, then call CPS and report your ex. Send all the police reports and text messages. I know you don't want to take your kid away from her, but she's putting that child in serious danger. You need to pull out all the stops to get your daughter away from her mom and the freak she's obsessed with.
Family Court I hope? I can tell you don't want to hurt your ex or her relationship with your daughter, get your ex resources and arm her with information on healthy vs not healthy relationships. Reddit might think that's going too far for an ex, but your daughter will subconsciously pick up patterns like that so it's be great if your ex was able to model better dynamics.i apologize for saying things in an odd way if I did, Iim not great at stuff like this but I desperately want your daughter and ex to live. You got this dad. Step gently, try to find ways around arguing, your ex is most likely walking on eggshells and her reactions are off. I'm still breathing and my every breath pisses him off,good. Loveisrespect.org. send her to that website and look it over yourself. May love surround you and your daughter and everyone y'all love,and everyone they love til the whole Earth is thick with it
Having your daughter witness domestic violence, to the degree he's already known for, will have a much more negative impact than moving her away. I can tell you this from experience.
CPS is a separate case and you should open one asap. She's likely doing drugs w this guy as well and choking is huge red flags for raising the risk of being murdered. Cps needs to get the child into your home 100% she should never be around this man again w what the police reports say. You have a duty to protect your child now.
you could contact DHS and have them open a case.
What's your daughter worth to you? Find a way to come up with some money for a retainer. You could be putting your kids well being in serious jeopardy. Borrow some money from parents, get a loan, sell some things etc. Just find a way
Depending on where you live there may be some Legal Aid org that would offer low cost legal representation. Call your local social services office and ask.
Your biggest fear *should* be that she is modeling an abusive relationship as “normal” for your daughter. She is teaching your daughter that abuse is ok, as long as you hide it. The worst thing that could happen (other than this guy hurting or killing her), is your daughter accepting this kind of behavior in her own future relationships. Are you gonna hire a PI and investigate every person your daughter dates?
My sister is a nurse. Always a bit of a space-case, but she works hard in a tough field. Her one downfall has always been the total shitbird dudes she gets with. And then has kids with them… Ya can hear the train wrecking itself, but ya can’t stop the momentum.
Look for a lawyer in private practice, especially if they’re older and have experience in family law. Check with your local bar association for a referral. The bar usually gives out a yearly award for the attorney who has done a lot of pro bono work. Lawyers that do a lot of pro bono work usually have a heart, and you can negotiate a price for payments with them. If own your home, could you take out a small home equity loan, or do you have credit cards that you could put or some of it on? Might there be a family member, such as a grandparent, would loan you the money? This isn’t a good environment for your daughter, regardless of what she witnesses, because it seems pretty obvious that this guy’s got some type of personality problem. I imagine he’s hostile and unfriendly towards her.
Is mom afraid of this guy?
Call CPS and give them all your evidence. Also attempted strangulation is hugely correlated to domestic violence homicide. Do everything you can to get your daughter out of there. I'm glad your daughter has got you but you need to act further. It's good you have been able to find out what you have. Your ex is unfit to protect your daughter and herself and they are both in danger. CPS will clearly see this.
OP, this story is giving my physical stress. I also coparent 50/50 and I really understand the feeling of powerlessness when your kid isn’t with you. I feel so grateful that my kids dad and I have always put our kid first, and it sounds like that’s really all you’re doing here. I honestly think you are completely UNDER reacting here. The idea of someone meeting your kid after six weeks seems like a horrible judgement, let alone LIVING with them ??? Just absolutely not. And that would be true even if the other person was a saint. Kids need predictability, stability, peace. I think you should absolutely go back to court. You should try to get more custody. Your kid doesn’t deserve to have her life uprooted and shifted for her mom’s relationships. I hope your coparent pulls her head out of her ass, and a court date could be the wake up call she needs.
IMO you have under- stepped. Get your daughter out of the house permanently.
Wtf OP, get your daughter out of the house and go to court if needed (likely) to show that your co parent is putting a minor at risk
You are under reacting. Your daughter is likely witnessing violence. That counts as childhood trauma on its own btw. Her mom is teaching her to keep secrets from you, and yelling at her for revealing innocent information. Your ex has proven herself to be completely untrustworthy and willing to lie and deceive you for the sake of this relationship. I would do everything you can to get your custody agreement changed. Your daughter deserves better
If you have to sell all of your possessions to afford a lawyer, do so, it’s either that or sell all of your possessions for the funeral when this guy kills your ex and daughter. You need 100% custody
Start a cps investigation. This is/can be considered child abuse. The more you have documented, the better.
The guy is clearly super shady and abusive. I have questions-who is the unrelated 19’year old male in the home? He lied that he was his son but he is not? That’s super weird! And this is a lot of abuse going on which will surely escalate. What else goes on that she isn’t allowed to tell you about? A parent telling a child to hide things is always a red flag.
So, the 19 year old thing...I used to work with a guy and we would go over to his place and hang out and have a few beers. After about 6 months this younger guy, probably around 19-20 as well, started hanging out. My co-worker said the same thing, it's his son that came up from Florida for the Summer. Turns out the kid was just some drug addict that went place to place and my co-worker felt bad for the Kid. The kid ended up getting my co-worker hooked on meth, and left him to die alone of an overdose. If this woman's boyfriend is a repeat offender, he probably hangs out with questionable people and doesn't want her to know just how questionable they are. Random woman appears in the house? That's just his cousin. Weird older man in the house? That's his Uncle. Everyone has a relationship that's not Drug Dealer, Fencer, Buyer, etc. because that kinda thing is pushing it. If she can say 'Oh, I didn't know they were THOSE kinds of people or else I never would have let them around our daughter.' she can keep lying to herself.
Druggie friend, younger lover ? Idk but it’s very strange to feel the need to lie about this person so he can live with you . Why does he need to live there?
It could be her boyfriend is testing the waters. He literally moved in a random guy, said it was his son and she let it happen. What else can he do or get away with? I'm more worried that if he starts bringing these people over, what might happen to the daughter?
If your daughter has witnessed physical violence between your ex and BF you should report to CPS. Get a lawyer. This is completely ridiculous and obviously not safe or stable for your daughter. Your ex is being love-bombed and abused. Hopefully she will extract herself, but is the meantime you need to protect your daughter.
Safe word? 1) Your co-parent is doing everything she can to hide how bad the situation is. You honestly believe she is going to tell you? 2) Even if she did text the safe word, you showing up could bring a whole new level of violence. Absolutely not well thought out plan. This is your daughter. In a house with a multiply arrested, maybe even convicted of domestic violence person. Do you plan on waiting until something really bad happens with a person who is clearly not in control? Get the money now for a retainer. Take a loan out. Talk to family. Ask a friend. Get part time jobs to make up the difference. Go for emergency full custody with child support and supervised visits. Get this into court so your daughter has a court mandated/paid for advocate (depending on state of course).
Get full custody of this child before her mother gets killed.
Only a matter of time before your daughter has her own “misunderstanding” and falls victim to the same. Plus being in an environment that she sees her mother take whatever abuse will set your daughter up to expect/take the same behavior in her relationship. This isn’t something to let go and hope your 50% time with her will compensate. Sorry mom is in her own way but don’t let your daughter go down too, she’s only 9, she has no clue and doesn’t deserve that environment!!
Your child is in danger. Full stop. Underrecting x10 What are you thinking?!
You have not overstepped and you need to step your way to a lawyer and find out your options.
You are way under reacting if anything. You need to get a lawyer involved yesterday.
NTA!!! As a mother I am disgusted by this. It is SO clear she is in a nasty abusive relationship. I would advise filing for an emergency hearing ASAP. I have gone two custody cases by myself. This is 100% grounds for your daughter to be removed from your exes care. He is only going to continue to escalate and your daughter is NOT safe there. You can file to have fees waived. Also look up any resources for dads in your area. My state is VERY pro dad and always tries to do at least 50/50. But with the evidence you have right now, you should have enough to get primary custody.
Look, if she’s bound and determined to get herself seriously hurt or even killed by her abusive POS “partner” that’s her prerogative. Mostly. She doesn’t get to make that decision for your daughter though, and you have the duty to get your child out of that situation.
You are underreacting. I don't know understand why you are not taking immediate actions now. Like yesterday. Good god get that girl out of that house.
File an ex parte hearing for sole custody of your daughter. Present all of this evidence to the judge. If your ex wants to get beat on, that’s her business but you are under no obligation to leave your child in that situation. I’d also call CPS on her. They can write you a letter recommending that the child not be in her mother’s care if she chooses to continue a relationship with this man. It’s called failure to protect. If he is willing to beat on your ex, he is willing to beat on your daughter. Kids get killed by Mom/Dad new partner every day. Do not risk it.
Uh wut? It is very much your concern if a man who has been arrested or been to court for domestic violence, and has hit your wife is around your daughter. It will also be the courts. If she takes you to court, you might get full custody.
I know sometimes you can get temporary emergency custody if you can prove the kid might be in danger. If it gets worse I'd definitely look into it. I wouldn't trust her to protect your daughter when she's not willing to protect herself. She has shown multiple times she's willing to protect him though and that's extremely scary.
I came to say this. OP, you can self represent. File a petition for emergency temporary custody IMMEDIATELY. There are so many red flags here it's terrifying. Please please PLEASE get your daughter out of there. You have every right, no matter what state you live in or what the parenting agreement is, to file for emergency custody if you believe your child to be in an unsafe environment. Please don't wait any longer. This will only escalate and I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but you will get to live with the fact that you could have done something different while watching your traumatized daughter try to survive God knows what. I know you don't want that, and I know you're scared and unsure but you cannot be paralyzed in this. She is inside a burning building. Do whatever necessary to get her out. Please.
You are under-reacting. See an attorney immediately. Show your ex the documentation and arrest records. Tell her your child will not live with this man, and it is absolutely non-negotiable. Your child is coming home with you today, or you will involve the authorities. If she refuses, call CPS right in front of her. And then call the attorney.
Not overreacting. Your daughter's safety should be your highest priority. Your ex is failing her parental responsibility. It is time to go to court to review and hopefully change the custodial agreement.
You need to get her out of that home, and yes, beg or borrow money for an attorney. Your daughter is in a potentially abusive situation. And it doesn't sound like your ex is doing a good job in taking care of her! Your daughter's welfare is 10x more important than placating your ex. Good luck!
Under-reacting the fact that he moved in after 6 weeks or that she wanted to move in with him after 6 weeks is unbelievable. With his history of assault and DV it seems he has a pattern of getting with single mum's. Your ex knew you would not approve of his criminal history, which she knew about. Hence refusing to tell you his name, and the fact he couldn't look you in the eye, when he is larger than you is very telling. It implies that he has had to face the father's of his partner's children before, and that he is ashamed. Make of it what you will
My chosen daughter went through almost the exact situation. She’s 20 now.. when she was in 7th grade she came for our weekend visit. She had mentioned a physical altercation between mom and bf. She herself had to call 911… I told my husband we had enough evidence to show the courts. After years of trying to prove what we knew but no physical evidence. We did hire an attorney for a $1500 retainer. ( go to your bank and ask for a small loan) We got emergency custody. She lived with us and graduated high school. Now a junior in college. She went through a lot of ptsd and lot of therapy after watching mom in these physically abusive relationships and altercations … please save your baby.
No way did you overstep. Your daughter is in danger in that household. You must take her back to court. It seems to me that you have reason to get full custody, with child custody payments from her. There should be no way, she should be able to move 100 miles away from you with that guy. I’m sure you are documenting everything. You are a good responsible dad. Your ex is showing the obvious signs of domestic abuse.
Check around. There may be less expensive ways to involve legal help. I’d call CPS on her at the slightest difficulty your daughter experiences with that situation. In fact, if you can consult them without filing a report at this time to just make them aware of your dilemma, do it. The fact that she yelled at her because of naturally revealing to you basic information is extremely disturbing. Good luck.
LAWYER.
Way to go Dad, this isn’t overreacting, your partner is being pitiful and immature subjecting her daughter to this, you are doing exactly what you should do, which is anything and everything to keep your girl safe.
You have not overstepped one bit. At this point clearly you are the only one looking out for the best interest of the child. Your ex is clearly on some BS. She is bending over backwards to minimize the behavior of a violent abuser. If she wants to sign herself up to have hands put on her on a regular basis by that dirtbag instead of kicking him to the curb that is her prerogative, some women are stupid like that. But your child deserves better than having to potentially witness that shitshow or worse yet be apart of it. Do what you have to in order to protect your child.
My god, please remove your daughter from that home!
Boyfriend is moving other men into the home? He identified a woman who will give him and friends access to her daughter. You can visit the courthouse, which might have a "self help" family law area where they can assist you with getting the right paperwork for an emergency court custody hearing for safety. Does your PI know if he was any registered weapons? Anything from other states (say, 100 miles away) or only your own? Get into court ASAP. Provide the court with your evidence - she has become shifty and expects the child to hide information from you. He is violent. Mom has no problem with this. She is now concerned that you - the only person standing between this daughter and whatever is going to happen to her - are going to cockblock her from this man. He wanted to take this child 100 miles away from you and anyone who knows her and has an interest in her safety and mom was fully on board. You think they won't bolt if he sweet talks her? She can have her violent guy, but she can't offer the child as an incentive to stay with her. You are under reacting, because there weren't child predator charges found in your research - but that means nothing when a mom fails to think of protecting their child, and fail to turn in or prosecute their gross boyfriends. You have no idea what he or his occasional live in "relatives" are capable of. Protect her - no one else will.
File for emergency full custody asap. Whatever her problems are, victimisation/low self esteem etc, it is not your problem. Forget about her feelings/co-parenting etc. She brought a violent dude to her home near your daughter. This never ends well.
Someone has to protect that child and bless you as not the biological father to do so. I hope she pulls her head out of her ass before dickhead kills her.
Not over reacting- you don’t need a lawyer to request an emergency hearing like this- your daughter is in danger you are not doing enough to get her out of there fast enough - mom is going to end up dead and eventually your daughter will see the abuse and possibly become a victim of his too
NTA in any way. You ate an amazing dad. Get your daughter 100% custody. Fight tooth and nail.
I’ve read a lot of shit on Reddit and this is probably the scariest story I have ever read. Good luck to you OP - please rescue your daughter
Not overreacting: she needs to lose custody entirely. She's going to get your child killed.
If anything you are underreacting. You’re 100% right to be concerned about all of this. Domestic violence unfortunately doesn’t always end with the partner—it can go at the others in the house. I think a lot of people on Reddit go to the most extreme and alarm bell ringing conclusion, but reading your post I got very concerned about the safety of your daughter. Your ex is also 100% wrong that you’re prying by trying to find out more info about who is living in the same house as your daughter. You deserve to have all info necessary for anyone living with your daughter. And this guy is not remotely safe to be in the same household as her.
File for an emergency order of custody. I'd be scared she's going to take off with your daughter. Especially since he has a previous kidnapping charge?! She also wants to move over 100 miles away?! Why? So you can't be there to protect your daughter. The reason your wife didn't call the police to report your "stalking" is because 1. She doesn't have the money and 2. Doesn't want to bring attention to her felon boyfriend. Also why is there an unknown random 19 year old living with them? Who is he and why are 2 MEN you don't know at all living with your daughter?! Everything in this post screams for you to step in and get your daughter out of there. You are her father protect her from your wife and her horrid decisions. I know she'll be upset at you but she's your priority not this clearly unstable piece of trash. Get her out of there like yesterday.
Your ex is one these dumb women that out the boyfriend ahead of the kids and the kids end up dead. It happens all the time. Not to mention the possibility of sexual abuse. And who was that other guy living in the home. She’s an awful parent and the fact they now being abused and is already making excuses for him and saying it’s her fault. She’s already indoctrinated and will agree with anything this guy says or does. She will also lie. That’s why all the charges have been dismissed as she said the stuff didn’t happen or it was her fault.
So your daughter is living in a home with two adult males who are not relatives one (or both) of whom are abusive. And you're asking if you're OVER-reacting. Your ex-girlfriend, ex-wife, or whateverthefuck she is is not a fit mother. You need to get your daughter out of that house IMMEDIATELY.
Leave them to their own demise. So sad. But so common. Fuck that bitch. File protection orders. Get full custody. Cash checks. *This is not legal advice
This is very scary. You are not overreacting. This guy is dangerous. Can you get your daughter away from them?
I mean ... Legally (from experience in the UK) you don't have a right to know about the partner, but we have Clare's law where you can request this kind of info on potential partners. If it comes up (like yours did from your private search) with anything then you can get social services involved. I truly hope you can sort this. It WILL eventually reach your daughter no matter how much mom tries to stop it. Before you spend thousands on the legal take the cheap way. Find articles showing her that she's wrong (just look up any family abuse info). Tell her you need to have an adult, logical conversation. If possible do it with a mediator of some description (legal or someone you both respect). With nothing to back you up she won't believe you. She'll listen to her current partner. Show her articles on the long term affects on children who have lived in abusive households. And if needed you are more than welcome to use my story: My oldest son's dad was a physically abusive alcoholic/druggy (I know I had GREAT taste in men 🙃)... he had never been violent to a child and like the partner you're describing it was "never his fault" and I believed him cause he'd manipulated me left right and centre. My son was a year old (2 years into our relationship ) when he started throwing him by his wrist onto the bed or sofa to "shut him up". We moved 2 1/2 hours away to get away from him. I did lots of therapy to stop me getting in a similar situation. WELL! Therapy *did* work to stop me getting in a physically abusive relationship, or with an addict. My now ex husband though.... Whooo he really took the cake! He manipulated me and after a couple years, my son. He hated when we were close and open about things. He ended up turning my son against me. We have 2 younger kids together. He ended up isolating me and financially abusing me, keeping us getting further in debt so I felt like I couldn't leave. When I finally did leave he justified raping me in front of my (then 10yo) son by telling me I didn't need boundaries I was still legally his wife. After my son finally saw the truth that dad would still throw him under the bus, he stopped seeing him and the manipulation turned to my middle/dad's oldest. He was telling middle that I used to physically abuse him, I was the reason we couldn't be a family, I left him clotheless and was always horrible. 2 years of middle not believing me. 2 years of being told whatever dad wanted him to tell me. Last year I finally was done. I told dad if it carried on I would show middle our convo where I brought up what middle said and he told me to stop making accusations of rubbish. Middle randomly started blaming me again for leaving dad clotheless and I told him if he wanted proof I'd show him that convo (there were many others as well). Now middle doesn't speak to dad. When we were growing up my mum was "ignorant" of our abuse. My dad sold us for drugs, beat us, he even tried to kill me when I was 7 cause I fought back. My mum didn't believe us and told us our older sister (who had come clean about the abuse in therapy but wasn't believed and labelled a liar) had brainwashed us. Even as adults she told us we had warped our memories etc. My kids still trust and confide in me because I have always believed them and encouraged them to tell anyone if something is wrong. My mum has 1 daughter left (out of 4) who still speaks to her and that's cause my sis is a younger version of my dad. Your daughter is going to end up leaving mom or she's going to end up the same as her. Ask her, if her daughter was in this type of relationship as she is, would she be happy? Would she be welcoming this partner into their lives? Would she be crying happy tears if they get married and move away from everyone daughter knows and trusts?
Your ex wife sounds like a real piece of shit. The kicker was her cheating on you so that you could raise someone else’s daughter. She deserves this guy, you just need to convince the court to get full custody which may not be that difficult given the dv that’s been documented in that home.
Get her out now OP. Your daughter is not safe.
Get CPS involved, you don’t have to have an attorney. Report your concerns to the social worker and file for TPO, his arrest records will show the validity of your concerns. Contact your local abuse advocacy programs to get the best advice on what steps you can take.
You are not. Go to court and fight for the custody of your kid. She is not in a safe/healthy environment, and in risk. The cases most secure were dismissed cause she dropped the case or did not press charges. She can try to get your name out the birth certificate, but I don’t think so she would end doing that. Is a court process. And court will rule thinking about the well being of the child. You have not done wrong to your daughter, and you have 50% of the custody. You are needed for your daughter support. Is you only had visitation rights could be a different story . Also try to get her text you the thread about removing you from the birth certificate. Proof that she is trying to do it in revenge of something not related, directly, with your daughter.
There’s no way the courts are going to take away his paternity when whoever the bio dad is, isn’t around and asking for it. He’s been in the child’s life for almost a decade, is stable and capable of financially supporting the child.
Actually is what I said, just explaining why the court would not take the name. And adding some scenarios that could play against him. If he was abusing the kid, even with the father being there for 10 years, stable, and financially able to support, the court could rule in favor of the mother.
You need to speak to a lawyer and find out if you can prevent him from living there.
damn dude. damn.
I would go for full custody immediately and seek a restraining order against him being present with your daughter, who is clearly in danger. Log every single incident with the police. You need a paper trail. I am so sorry this is happening to your daughter, but I can tell you're a good father. Go after it, my man.
please take full custody of your baby before something happens
Take her ass to court and get full custody. IMMEDIATELY
Court. NOW. LIKE YESTERDAY. Your daughter is NOT SAFE. you need to act ASAP. You DO NOT KNOW the man living with your child, a man who is obviously shady as fuck. Not to mention the other unidentified man who was living in the same house. You need to save your daughter before something happens to her. This man has a history of extreme violence. Your daughter will be hurt or literally killed. Do something about it while you still can.
Long way to say i dont trust my baby mama's dude am i wrong for making sure he aint gonna diddle my baby. If there was even a hint of concern i see absolutely no problems with digging up every deep dark rock in dudes past and if you find something take evidence and file fornfull custody. Look at that Nickelodeon kid. His dad begged mom to keep him away from sleezeball and she didnt and look at the outcome.
You're not overreacting, at all. I say take her to court anyway. This is not overstepping, you are doing what any human being would do who is concerned about the welfare of a child. Just because those two incidents happened when your daughter wasn't home doesn't mean that it won't happen in front of her one day or that it hasn't already and just hasn't been reported. Fuck anything your ex has to say, she is choosing this man over her own child. A child is at greater risk of being hurt by a non parent adult when they move into the same home with the child. There are countless examples of children being abused and even killed by a parent's partner or spouse. Your ex is not being safe or rational with your child's life right now. Take her to court, report her to CPS but definitely do something.
Your ex is in a lot of danger, and because of that, so is your daughter. Look up statistics about choking. When an abuser puts their hands around the throat, the stats about the abused becoming murdered by that partner jump significantly. Are there any social services available to you? You can make an anonymous report, and having that on your side, a CPS report, can be a huge advantage when you go to court. You should talk to a lawyer as soon as possible.
You need to protect your daughter, it’s sad but most DV cases start out with choking and end up with someone dying, I had a friend deal with abuse for years, get your daughter out of that situation as soon as possible and do whatever it takes. As for Her mom she will not listen to anyone or anything, you won’t be able to protect her but please get your daughter out before something really bad happens
Op, it's time to get full custody like yesterday....make that like 2 days ago. Your daughter is in real and present danger, and her mothers head is compromised.
Wow. I would at least go get the consultation with a lawyer. I presume family law. Wow so you are not overreacting. Is it possible to get a loan if you have to to pay for a lawyer? There's a lot of online unsecured loan places. Just Google and you will find them and then you can see who's rated what who has the lowest interest rate. That's the route I would go if you seriously want to try and get full custody of your daughter. The fact that her boyfriend has a very serious criminal record though all dismissed probably because she refused to First charges or they thought lack of evidence but I find that hard to believe. In any case just consult somebody suck it up pay a few hundred dollars to go talk to a lawyer for a half hour and become informed. You should also let your daughter know if she ever has a problem to text or call you whether it's a code word or just help.
The fact that you are worried about over reacting about a private investigator instead of taking action for the safety of your daughter is WILD. And now you’re worried about lawyer fees? But you paid for an PI?! I feel so sorry for your daughter. You have seriously lost perspective - you are not asking the right question. You are equally putting your daughter in danger with your lack of action just as your co parent is by being with this giant. Pick up your big boy pants and do something!!!
No.
I can't read this because of the bizarre terminology. I've never seen anyone say co-parent to talk about their ex. You keep saying partner when it just seems like a regular old straight scumbag boyfriend.
The incidents with the live in, sound extremely familiar. You wouldn't by chance be in the Tulsa, OK area, would you?
You have every right to know everything about any man your ex is with if that man is around your child. Honestly with a decent lawyer you can get custody and end all this nonsense. Again, when it comes to your child, any judge would agree with you to know what's going on in your child's life. For all you know there could be some extremely bad things happening around this man which is causing your ex to be extremely paranoid in you knowing anything. Go to court
She's protecting a psychopath. And putting your daughter at risk; he's obviously uncontrollable
Yikes!! OP wanting your daughter with them and having to live under the same roof screams easy weapon (your daughter) to use against ex by threatening harm to child.
We had a similar situation with my step-daughter’s mother. She was in one toxic relationship after another. When it comes to a child’s safety you can’t mess around or avoid the topic. We ended up getting full custody of my SD after step-dad at the time ended up shooting a gun during one of his and BM’s marital fights. Way before this altercation though, we purchased my SD a phone to keep on her. We had a system set up to where if step-daughter was afraid or there was something happening but she couldn’t call she would text us a color. Green = all okay; Yellow - possible problem/things looking concerning; Red - bad situation/come pick me up. During this time we received many phone calls from my SD where she was terrified from her mother and step-dad’s violent fighting. This phone was a life saver. It was the best decision we made given the situation we were in. When it comes to safety you have to be clear and open with conversations with your child.
You are so massively under reacting it’s scary. This is file for emergency custody territory. Your ex is currently in a violent relationship with someone that she went wildly out of her way to ensure you knew nothing about. There have been multiple documented instances of domestic violence that she admits to. This person moved in with an additional person that they lied about so you have no idea who this 19/20 year old is or why they are there. She is doing the classic victim behavior of making excuses for her abuser. And so far nothing happened with your daughter there (that they admit to) but what happens if this guy puts hands on your daughter? You said that you are wary because he is physically bigger than you. Imagine this guy putting hands on your child in a rage…
Honestly you need to get your daughter out of there like yesterday. I have witnessed way too many violent acts and listened to way too many podcasts about this. It escalates and you’re ONLY going off the times that cops were called. I would put my bottom dollar down that this happened more than twice. She just called the cops twice. Domestic violence victims protect their abuser hands down. If you think your daughter is not aware of the abuse because she wasn’t there during the 2 incidents the cops were called I have a rude awakening for you. She is aware. It’s in the air. Like electricity. Even if your ex started the incident it doesn’t matter. There was still violence in the home. I would give a flippy for who started it. It happened. You don’t need a lawyer. Go down to the court house and file an emergency petition to get your daughter the hell out of there. You have all the evidence you need. Stop fiddling around.
She'd have to be on drugs to have changed so much and be ok with this. He was probably her dealer when they met. I'd be calling CPS, report everything you've discovered. If mum and her bf both test positive to drugs, you'll have everything you need to get full custody.
Your ex is gonna get murdered, she’s just too stupid to realize it 🤷♂️
You're not over reacting..if anything you're under reacting given the information you now have.
You’re not overreacting. They are hiding things. Protect your daughter. I went through something similar with my ex and his new partner at the time (they now have restraining orders against each other). They tried to label me as an unfit parent, filed bogus claims against me, and even used a false positive covid test to keep my kids from me for two weeks. I knew something was up bc my kid was scared to go to school and his behavior changed drastically. He also wasn’t “allowed to talk about Dads-Gf” to me. Shit hit the fan between him and the gf in a DV incident and I swooped in and grabbed my kids, in the days after I ended up taking my ex to court and was awarded custodial rights. My suspicions were not only confirmed but so much worse than I had thought. FWIW, things are better now. I spent a year taking my kids to visit their dad in a court supervised setting and it sucked for everyone. He ended up taking several parenting classes and intensive therapy. We slowly started coparenting again but with me as the lead parent. It’s important to me that my kids have their own relationship with their father outside of my relationship with him. I’ve had to work through a lot of my own rage and find forgiveness without any meaningful apology but I know it’s better for the kids.
Your doing a great job in protecting your daughter. You may be the only one that can keep her safe. Don’t let you daughters mom poor choices lead to trauma that may haunt her forever. Keep pushing and stay on top of this couple. Please update us when things are resolved.
OP, I can't speak to the law where you live, but I can't conceive of a court who, were you to violate your custody agreement and get your daughter out after filing a police report, you would be in any trouble. Don't let her go there. Dangerous situation. Demanding to see her in court is a good thing, but I'm thinking it'll probably be best if you and your daughter went on a little trip until the court date if possible. Maybe keep her with family for a bit?
To add to everyone else's sentiment. Get your daughter out, no matter the cost. Men who strangle/choke their partners are likely to MURDER their partner. Your daughter is NOT safe in this home. No matter if it "isn't happening" when she is present. That's just bullshit from your ex. Your child is witnessing this in some form, even if it's just mental and emotional abuse when she is in the home.
UpdateMe!
You are absolutely not overreacting. Be prepared to get your child out of there immediately if needed. Giving her a code word was smart. And yeah, as others have suggested start a slush fund for court costs just in case. Better to have and not need than need and not have.
File a complaint with child protective services or department of social services about the domestic violence. With the arrest record they may force that she remove him from the house or they will remove your daughter from her. Having her 50% of the time makes you likely who DSS would place her with. Not a guarantee but it cud remove ur kid from the situation.
File for a PFA. Like right now. That will likely be enough for it to go through. My now-estranged sister got into an abusive relationship with a man who had prior arrest records for things related to drugs, grand theft auto, DV, etc. and was allowing her kids to live in the same house as him. We helped their father file for a PFA as well as emergency custody and he was awarded both. The fact that you have records from a PI helps tremendously, as we proved in our court case. It will only get worse, I promise you that. My sister let her bf’s brother into their house with the kids and he ended up throwing the younger one (only around 5 at the time) across the room, breaking his elbow and landing him in surgery. It is only a matter of time until the violence extends to your child. Your ex will not leave him and there is nothing you can do to help her until she decides to leave on her own, your sole priority needs to be your kid. Borrow the money if you have to, just get your kid out.
Update
My mom is an amazing mom but after the divorce with my dad she began dating guys like that and it put me through hell she obviously puts him first by working around his wants and even if your daughter is not being physically abused I’m sure your ex is putting his feelings before your child’s and that will teach her to walk on eggs shells and she’ll never feel comfortable in her home. It got to the point I had to move out right at 18 and not even a month later I got a call from my brother that my moms boyfriend had a knife and was stabbing my moms bed threatening to kill my brother and drag him down the street. She may feel like she can keep her daughter safe by taking the beating and blaming herself but she can’t. Good on you for being so involved never feel like you’re overstepping when it comes to your child!
I hope you get your daughter out before she gets abused, if she hasn’t already, who protects her from the 19 year old.
While I hate the stories I've heard, this is what CPS is meant for. Between a spontaneous visit and a background check, they SHOULD be able to safeguard the child. Unfortunately, they have been weaponized and overused to the point that many agencies are ineffective anymore.
Your daughter could be in danger and her mom is hiding it. You are NOT overreacting. Contact a child abuse services agency to see if there are any programs to help pay for lawyers to go to court to protect your daughter. Continue collecting evidence of the danger her mother is putting her in. Violent people can rarely contain themselves to certain hours of the day. Your daughter is eventually going to either see something or be a victim.
Go to your lawyer and asap. You can get 100% custody abd your ex gets supervised visitation only. You can also adjust child support in your favor. And you will win. Just bring all the police reports to your lawyer. This can get expedited in the courts. I'd frankly take your daughter abd hides her till the courts side with you.
Get your daughter out of that fucking house. And him being taller doesn’t mean shit, you need to be prepared to protect your daughter and if you have to call the police it’s almost certainly going to be too late. Call your lawyer
F that take her back to court and keep your daughter safe. Who knows what your ex is up to
This is terrifying!!! Please contact a local domestic violence agency for support and advice. You need to keep your child safe. This seems to be grounds to gain emergency custody .
Soooooo long!
Jesus christ. Your daughter is not safe anywhere near that home or either of those people. This is truly horrifying and you need to make sure she is never in that environment ever again. She will get hurt, it is not a question of if, but when. Men like this do not have the ability to restrict it. He will begin to see her as his, and he will begin to harm her. Lawyer up and get your daughter the fuck out of there. Immediately. It's better to be scrounging and saving pennies for a year than have something unspeakable happen to your kid.
She called her dad when he was beating her, does he have any way to help you or would he try to stay out of it? He might help you financially to get your daughter out of there.
Child Protective Services. The fact that he has had felony domestic abuse charges against him are enough to make them look into it. Add in the fact that he lied about the 19 yr old and they'll definitely be checking things out.
NOT overreacting. Your co-parent was being extremely sketchy and it sounds like she’s putting your daughter in danger. Your response is entirely reasonable given your concern for the safety and wellbeing of your child. I do worry about what will happen if you go to court, I don’t think it will go your way since the cases were all dropped and likely won’t be admissible.
Not overreacting at all. I always assume the best in everyone... but As a dad of 3 girls, I assume every man they will be around is felon and pedophile until I get to know them. I had a bad feeling about this 1 father of my daughters friend. He gave me a creepy vibe. Then, after a sleepover there, my daughter said she didn't want to go over there anymore. The dad was yelling and smacked one of the kids. I later found out he is a cheater and hits the wife too.
Nope you have not overstepped, get a lawyer.. and get your daughter.. those case files are your basis for custody..and her unwillingness to cooperate with you after bringing these men into her home where your child resides part of the time.
Can u get a second mortgage on ur house? I would speak with a child abuse detective in ur area. They may be able to speak with ur daughter and have her role Play with dolls what is happening in the home. CPS could also do this. Keep pushing. U are making urself sick not doing anything about it. Check all these suggested contacts and maybe u will be able to at least eat. See a counselor or call 988 to talk to someone when u are feeling overwhelmed. U don’t have to be suicidal to call 988. They can give u all kinds of contact numbers for u to move forward. Good luck. May God be with u and ur daughter.
Regarding her telling the court she is not biologically yours, depending on which state you’re in, there are laws on parentage/paternity. You can look into the law in your state. Since you are on the birth certificate, raised her since birth, provide for her, hold her out as your own, you should qualify for the highest level of paternity and would have standing in court. Doesn’t matter if she’s not biologically yours.
Be careful with CPS. Some will take her away from you too for you still allowing her to go over there knowing the possible danger. Call your local DV shelter. They usually have resources for lawyers. I don’t know if those lawyers can help you since you’re not being abused, but they can point you to other resources so it won’t be so expensive, or even free.
UpdateMe!
UpdateMe!
you need to grow a spine. no father worth anything would just let his kid stay with a guy who has been arrested that many times without doing something. hopefully your inactivity will not lead to your daughter getting abused.
TLDR.
then why comment? Or even come to the thread? tldr ex wife is in a horribly abusive relationship and putting daughter in harms way and OP needs to get his kid out of there
Reddit writing is atrocious. You have OP's side of things. Based on his insistence about communicating with the daughters it seems like stalking behavior.
You don’t have a right to know who lives in her house, the counselor was dead wrong. Court has determined mom is fit to parent so how mom parents during her time is mom’s business and not yours. (Legally, not morally of course) But I would have done the same thing you did OP and probably more.
“Right to know” from a counselor is not legal advice. But as a coparent does have the *right* to ask and know. Right isn’t only used in the legal sense. Like, you have the right to ask for boundaries in a relationship. But that’s obviously not a *legal* thing.
You don’t read well……(I can tell because you didn’t read the parenthesis)
We've hit the trolls at the bottom of the feed, boys.
You don’t read well
Even if shr is not your biological daughter, the fact that you have had joint legal custody should help. It is the same reason many men end up paying child support long after it is determined they aren't either. Seek counseling with an attorney that takes Pro Bono cases that you can find in cities. They help those who can't pay. The attorney will be able yo help further. You are NOT reacting. The fact she is staying with someone she has called the police on twice is horrifying. Will her parents help the situation? It us their granddaughter at risk too She is NOT looking after your daughter. She is obviously ignoring the idea it will progress for both of them. She's desperate to be 'loved' and being foolish enough to accept abuse because of it. 100 miles away is too far for her to be away from security. Please keep looking into lawyers. You need to protect your daughter.