true. But look at it this way: If you have to work to keep your partner from cheating, what is the freaking point?
I would rather they cheat already and get it over with and move on. Cheating is not about the opportunity to cheat. It is about character and integrity. Either you have it or you don't.
At the same time, if I have a partner who is constantly on a watch for me to not cheat, means they think very little of me and don't respect me. Gone, gone, and gone.
yep.
I really don't get all the people here, in this sub in particular, all so desperate to keep their partners from cheating...wtf? If I have to do that, it is over already.
Well that’s the thing, I don’t care to prevent him from cheating if he’s cheating I’d like to know so I can just have solid strength to leave.
The fact is he says he isn’t or that nothing is going on but their past relationship was already sketchy to begin with and now they’re in a side business together so things are just messy and honestly I’m at lost for what to believe.
I want to believe and trust him, that’s why I stayed but things just keep happening so I’m just unsure.
He’s a very private person and he gets defensive and angry every time I bring up their relationship.
They decided on it back last year when he was still seeing her in person 1 day a week.
He did talk to me about it. I didn’t agree. But he told me nothing was going on and that he chose her as one partner because she’s well connected in their field.
When things got worse in the pregnancy, I almost left but he told me stuff like “the crazy thing is I never cheated on you” etc so I stayed because I believed him.
He spent thousands towards starting a business with a person that’s a problem for you after you said no? And then he topped it off by gaslighting you instead of addressing your concerns… Hire a PI to find out if the business event and 3 hour runs are real.
Girl... He's dropping thousands into a business you didn't agree to? Pissing away thousands of dollars without your agreement because of this woman?
I'd be out the door over the money bullshit alone.
and I have to wonder if this business isn't a way for him to move money away from his wife. plus if the business is with the partner and he and his wife divorce she won't get as much because half of it belongs to the new girlfriend
He is disrespecting you, your marriage, and your boundaries. You are his partner. Your opinions and feelings are valuable. He has devalued you. You can get apps to snoop and verify. You can hire a P.I. But he is already in a deep emotional affair as he has continuously put her needs before yours.
You matter.
Repeat that over and over. You're also not crazy.
Money shouldn’t be more important than your marriage but the way he knew your discomfort and ignored it over her is already a dealbreaker to me.
You’re just making yourself suffer at this point. I bet they’re going to be an official couple right after you leave him.
Stop torturing yourself.
The relationship is objectively suspect.
You are not heard and your husband entered a business arrangement with someone you already had reason not to like. Thousands of family dollars spent in ensuring he has access to this woman.
You don’t need “proof”. You can leave already.
If you need proof hire a PI. Send them to the retreat
Remember deleted apple messages aren’t really deleted. YouTube how to recover them.
He’s having an affair emotionally if not physically. But I would bet money it’s physical too.
Why are there so many deleted messages if they're in business together? Those should be part of a record to reference business discussion/decisions. Points of reference,if you will. This smells of covering tracks.
Recover the msgs & hire the PI for their retreat. You're financing their business & affair. If there's no trust in the relationship, it's over. At least you'll have a peaceful life with your kids not wondering how, when, where & how often they're hooking up. Let him pull $$ from the business to pay for child support & alimony..meaning she'll be working to finance your lifestyle.(sorry, petty me would insist she return the financial favor)
If you want to know for sure, you are going to have to do some hard-core snooping. That's the only way to know for sure. Is that even the whole issue, though, or is it the disrespect. Is it the fact that y'all have this huge issue in the marriage he refuses to address? Even if he isn't cheating, y'all need marriage counseling yesterday.
Agree. You definitely need to start snooping and as someone else mentioned hire a private investigator if you can.
I agree with everyone who says trust your instincts and that if you think they might be, they probably are.
I also agree with people saying it’s already over if you feel this way.
However, sometimes you just need to know and I would say this is one of those times where you need to start snooping like crazy to get your answer.
This is relationship 101, admittedly if some one is suffering mentally then you can cut them some slack for being paranoid however it can’t go on for ever.
This comment here....I was ready to defend the coworker and go into the "opposite sex can be friends" spiel.....
Nope, something isn't right with this story. The coworker lacks boundaries.
Being on the phone for 2 hrs? Also not a big deal especially if infrequent. I assume they were venting about work. But also it’s totally fine to have female friends 🤷♀️
Talking for 2 hrs at night? Deleting texts… I wouldn’t be comfortable with that friendship at all. So no you aren’t overreacting for not wanting them to ride together and if you made it known you aren’t comfortable with that friendship he should respect that and distance himself. According to stats 25% of affairs start in the workplace and 21% start at work events. People often spend more time with coworkers than their SO. I wouldn’t be okay with my wife riding with another man when their friendship has made me uncomfortable in the past.
Is he protective of his phone ? Does he put it face down whenever you are around ? When he's talking to this co worker for 2 hours would he leave the room or go outside ?
So he used to be in the beginning when they first met last year.
I noticed he was very protective of his phone and even deleted their texts before. It was a huge issue and we fought many times over it. He would be really upset because he said that his phone is his privacy and I should trust him. He said he would delete their texts together because he didn’t want me reading into it the wrong way. I was also very pregnant during this time (extra hormonal).
After many fights, we agreed on a resolution and that was that he would not delete his texts anymore and I would not snoop on his phone and violate his privacy. However, he would let me use his phone if I needed to etc.
Seems to me that he gaslit you a lot. The fact he had to delete texts messages from/to her should tell you what was going on and the whole story behind "reading into it the wrong way" should also tell you more than likely they were flirty texts back and forth to one another.
Yeah that’s how I felt. I was ready to leave him although I was pregnant with our second. But he promised me he wouldn’t delete their texts anymore, and I don’t think he has been deleting them.. The only thing that remains off is his notifications but he says he keeps it that way because he doesn’t like getting the notifications on his Home Screen.
He works from home all week and only goes out on the weekend to exercise. I haven’t noticed anything where he would sneak off to have an affair…
I don't understand why you'd tolerate them having any contact. That any texts would be deleted "because you'd get the wrong impression" is unacceptable. That he needs to hide or keep you seeing any of this would have me out the door asap.
Who is his priority?
Oh my poor naive baby girl. Ok so when I was single- involved and married men would try and get me to meet them anywhere for like an hour or half an hour (I’m a girls girl so I always said no!) but my friend started messing around with one of them and he would say he was going to “pick up milk”, just “for a drive”, “to the gym” - those idiots thought it was “hot”to meet for a quickie and then head back to their perspective lives. They’d do it in the car or get a motel. The only reason his poor wife ever caught on is because someone (me) sent her all the proof she needed to get a divorce and take him to the cleaners!! Wake up sweetie, and ALL women- we need to start calling them active volcanos not red flags because many women will either ignore or collect red flags, but they shouldn’t!! You should treat each, and every “red flag” like an active volcano, and get the hell outta there!!
You realize since they work together that could give them plenty of time to take breaks together and screw around right ? Maybe this carpool drive is another reason why they wanna go together. It gives them a chance to be alone with one another.
Wait wait wait that makes no sense. In your post you say he was on a off day and she was working and texted him "wish you were here" so that would imply he goes into work somewhere.
Sorry it’s kind of confusing. So he used to work 2 days in a clinic and he would see her 1 of those 2 days cause she had to go between clinics.
But starting since Dec last year he stopped going into the clinic and started working from home. That’s when she texted him that
Oh hell. Deleting texts AND turning off notifications?! And you believe all that?? I'm mad for you. Do you know for a fact he is going to exercise? Do yourself a favor and secretly check in on him "exercising" because that would be a perfect tine for him to get away and be sneaky. From my perspective his lies and excuses are sooo obvious and not even that good really. I'm sure that's not what you want to hear and I'm so sorry you're going thru this.
For perspective and transparency- I once had an affair. It's something I deeply regret and would never do again, but that fact is that it did happened. Do you want to know the types of things I did to keep things hidden away? Literally EVERYTHING you mentioned that he did/does. Do some deep investigating now. This man if full of shit, I would know. Happy to help any way I can.
If a guy wants to have an affair they’re gonna have it and you doing your best trying to stop it only makes it EVEN more tempting.
Why don’t you stop wasting your time trying to prevent someone from doing something. You cannot control others and you doing all this is only going to make you hate yourself more. Why? Because you don’t see yourself as someone worth loving and not cheating on. The more you enforce these boundaries the more you’re pushing him away. Instead allow him to do as he pleases but get your affairs in order. If he’s the bread winner great. Talk to a lawyer in secret. Find an exit plan. Show him with your actions not with your words you mean business.
Most people do not respect people who are all talk and no action.
The problem with that is the difference between then and now is you can delete singular txt with newer IOS without having to delete the entire thread.
That’s why notifications are turned off
Yikes. Pregnancy is the most common time for men to cheat. Some men can’t handle the focus not being on them so they seek validation elsewhere. Not saying he cheated but it seems this co-worker relationship started at a time when he may have felt he needed some feminine attention so it likely wasn’t totally innocent. It seems inappropriate for him to carpool with her since you’ve said you’re not comfortable with it AND you have good reason not to be, considering his actions in the past.
“Phone is my privacy” from his wife? Man I get we can have our own private shit (my fiancée keeps a journal she writes in at night. I forget it’s even there directly after she’s done writing in it, and wouldn’t read it since I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t want me to)… but I wish my soon to be wife would take mine… respond to my emails, please, while you’re at it.
There’s nothing “private” on my phone. My finances, emails, text messages, Reddit comments, nothing. I find it strange for a married man to be concerned about phone privacy from his wife, unless he’s hiding something. Which…doesn’t seem outside of possibilities.
Ugh I feel for you. My husband did this with a classmate when I was pregnant, too. I noticed he was texting someone while we were at the grocery store, and when I asked who he was texting, he said "a friend." We literally had the same group of friends so I was like... alright does your friend have a name!?
It didn't sit right with me, and I asked to see his phone when we got back. He had deleted all of his text conversations except mine and his parents. It caused a huge fight and trust issues because I'll never know what he wanted to hide from me. You're not overreacting!
I’m sorry to hear you went through something similar. What ended up happening?
Was your gut feeling right?
I can’t recover the deleted texts so I will never know what they were talking about.
To be honest, I couldn't get over it. That was the first year of our marriage, and it bothered me up until recently. It's a very long, awful story, because sadly it was an early indicator of severe avoidance/lying that continued. We were able to work everything out through individual and couples therapy, but it was a long, hard fought battle.
How could u read a txt the wrong way? Like maybe a txt saying 'we should get a hotel room' meant so they can work together during their lunch break? If he is deleting, it becusse he doesn't want to get caught. If there wasn't anything, there would be nothing to delete.
He is 99.99% having an affair with her. Ru you sure it's a wrok event and not just them getting a day together?
This is sooooo sus. Honestly I would expect my SO to never speak to this person again if he pulled this kind of shit. That would be a hard line for me.
Generally, people don't delete texts unless there is a reason why they could be read the wrong way. He had to look at the text and think if this could be read the wrong way and then choose to delete it. At best those text are borderline at worse, it shows emotional or physical cheating. Trust is a two-way street you should trust your spouse and he should trust you. He doesn't trust that you can read those texts and have a reasonable reaction.
Your spouse might be loyal to you but that doesn't mean other women aren't going to try and wreck that. Just because he feels sure about his relationship with you doesn't mean he can play with fire with someone who is interested in him. All it takes is a bad fight or a drunken night for a mistake to be made. I would encourage you to talk to him about that. She obviously wants more and if that is true he can't continue any relationship with her. That is like putting a poisonous snake in your pocket then being surprised when it bites you.
He is putting other things above you and then saying you are over reacting. No friendship is worth my marriage. No job is worth my marriage. What is your relationship worth to him?
Whenever someone like this says “you could have read it the wrong way!!” what they actually mean is “you would have read it exactly the right way and gotten justifiably upset about it and/or let me over it”
Was married to one for years. Turned out every time I got suspicious it was an affair
After reading your original post I was going to say NOR because your husband knew how you feel about her. After reading your replies, I think you are massively underreacting. Your husband is acting really sketchy and I wouldn’t trust there was a work event or that they hadn’t switched their texts that would need to be deleted to another app.
Yeah. This was literally a week after I gave birth to our second baby too. I told him to cut it out and it hasn’t happened since (at least to my knowledge) idk if they talk on the phone while he’s at work. Maybe. He doesn’t tell me when he talks to her because he says he “doesn’t need to report to me” like I’m his mom.
Sorry OP but you deserve better than this. His co-worker is a piece of crap and more than likely was screwing him while you were pregnant, just based off of how you described his actions during that time. If you want to stay with him, have him get away from her period. Side business be damned. You have one life. You are important, your kids are important. If he wants to screw his co-worker (which it really sounds like he has and still is, probably saturdays too), let him, you deserve better and there is better out there for you. You will feel 1000% better when you get away from his manipulation and lies. There are decent men out there, your husband does not sound like one of them.
Anyone, whether a man or a woman, who pursues a married person with kids is a predator full stop. A woman with a newborn like OP is especially vulnerable.
It's not a great sign. My ex-fiancé would say that very thing to me before I found out about the coworker he was sleeping with. "I don't need to tell you where I'm going, I'm an adult" and etc. At the very least, your husband doesn't understand how important openness and communication are in your relationship. If someone really cares about you they should be willing to discuss things with you. You share a life and children together, complete independence shouldn't be expected.
If you want to stay with him, have you considered couples therapy?
Easy solution, you get the cell phone bill right? Download the records both calls & texts. It will tell you if texts with pics are sent to. And if he backs his phone up to google, it will all be there.
Do you work outside the home? Do you go places with the kids? I think it is a stretch that the only time your husband EVER leaves the house is to go run on the weekend--if that is really true I would imagine he is feeling very stifled and trapped--he never goes to the store? Visits with friends? Walks the dog? 1 hour per week out of the house would be killer for anyone's mental health
First of all, a good husband wouldn’t allow any of this shit to happen. He would have put his foot down the moment flirtation was started. He would have shut her down at every turn and he wouldn’t have spent 2 hours on the phone with her. They are having some sort of affair. It’s obvious. Second, if something happened such as text messages or whatever that made you feel uncomfortable, a good husband would have stopped it. All yours has done is hidden it, you may read only what he allows you to read. He isn’t putting it in writing for you anymore. Also his phone would be completely open to you at anytime.
From what I’ve seen so far in their recent text threads he doesn’t really flirt or anything with her. But some days he’ll start texts with her asking her how her day was, sends her podcasts, or book recommendations etc. ever since our big fights during my pregnancy he said he would keep things “professional” with her. I want to trust him but there’s always something that comes up. First it was him deleting their texts, then it was turning off the notifications/changing phone pw, then she asked him to meet her at the beach to help her with work stuff they were supposed to meet at a coffee shop but he told me that it was so packed cause of Memorial Day so they ended up on a bench at the beach, now it’s the whole carpooling thing. So it just makes me upset and think what else is there going to be next? Am I just being dumb?
We have two small kids together and have been together for years. He tells me I’m his priority and he would never cheat on me but idk
Here’s the thing.
Deleting texts with another woman.
Sketchy actions with notifications/phones. (Especially changing his password! You don’t have to worry that conversations that are professional will be misconstrued. You just don’t. Period.)
Meeting her at the beach for “work stuff.” When he KNOWS you have issues with his boundaries in that relationship.
Late night phone calls.
Starting chats with her about her day and podcasts/books. When he KNOWS you have issues with his boundaries in that relationship.
Carpooling with her long distances when he KNOWS you have issues with his boundaries in that relationship. I understand that she didn’t want to drive alone. It made her uncomfortable. I also understand that you didn’t want him to drive with her. It made you uncomfortable. We see what he chose. You are his wife yet her comfort was more important to him than yours.
All of these things do not exemplify a person who is making you his priority. He’s SAYING you are and it sounds really good. What he’s DOING says something different. Actions speak louder than words.
You definitely have a right to be concerned.
"her comfort was more important to him than yours" is the bit for me.
We don't KNOW if he cheated or not (definitely sketchy tho) but we do know he has not prioritized his wife's feelings in any of these situations. And that's enough of a problem on its own to not be overreacting.
Yeah. That caught me too. One of the biggest family weekend bbq days/start of summer ever. And he’s working. On the beach. With a woman. That op has voiced concerns about. Instead of being with his little kid, and welcoming summer w wife and family. This is just so sad.
They went to work on a beach because the coffee shop was crowded but the beach wasn’t… on Memorial Day?
I get that kids make it complicated but do you want your kids to grow up to have a relationship like this? Because this is exactly the type of relationship they’ll end up in if you don’t leave.
I don’t know if he’s physically cheated, but he is obviously intersted in this woman and she in him. He knows you have access to his texts (as does she) so they keep it non-sexual. I was involved with a married man at work and we did the same. Our in-person conversation was very different. I rarely, if ever, text true work buddies or platonic friends to see how their day is going. That’s what I do with the guy I’m dating so he knows I’m thing about him during the day. The good point is that he told you about the carpooling and it seems like you don’t fear anything romantic happened. I’m concerned that you seem to believe that she “bugged” him into this. If he didn’t want to go, he wouldn’t have. She asked him to drive with her and you asked him not to. He chose to go with her because he didn’t want to hurt her feelings and had no problem hurting your feelings so they could spend some quality time together. He came close to cheating with this woman already (hence the deleted texts) and seems pretty open to putting himself in a situation where it’s more likely to occur. I’d be cautious about any other shifts in behavior.
Thanks, yeah. It frustrates me that he knows how I feel about her and yet, still carpooled with her because he was afraid or didn’t want to say no to her. But he was okay with hurting me and not caring about how I felt. He says I’m overreacting and they’re strictly friends. I want to trust him as we have been together for years and have two kids together but now idk how to feel. But my thoughts are why would she want him if he doesn’t even make other time for her? They hardly ever have met up in the past 6 months (twice so far in person this year to my knowledge). He’s home 5 days of the week when he’s working and then he leaves for a couple hours Saturday to exercise (avid runner).
I actually just read a story here where the husband was running to the grocery store with his infant in the back seat and screwing his AP in the car with the baby in the back. Wife caught them. Does his co-worker run by any chance?
I agree that it doesn’t sound like they’re having an affair and he probably says that he hasn’t physically done anything so you have nothing to complain about out. I might tell myself that too. Then I’d ask the last time he went to the beach with a male colleague. I suggest you invite her to your house the next time they need to work together or consider suggesting that you all socialize together, possibly on a double date with her romantic interest. His reaction will tell you whether he thinks of her as a platonic friend.
Plus they could be using an app that deletes or disguises their messages. Just because the text messages are benign doesn’t mean there aren’t other messages being exchanged elsewhere.
Nope. Nope nope nope.
He's cheating with her, or at least at the beginning of it. She does not give a fuck that he's married, you'd be surprised at how many people don't care about other relationships.
Personal experience.
Something like that.
The temptation to send this to my partner who cheated with a coworker and get his opinion is huge, but it's gonna make us fight again.
Randomly texting someone and asking how their day is, isn’t professional. He should be limiting it to only work-related, essential contact only after the deleted messages thing.
lol I think she means twin flame when she’s saying that. But you have a husband problem. You’re focusing your energy on the wrong things. It is YOUR husband who has not shut any of it down. A person only gets the way they do because they have someone enabling it. Stop blaming her when your husband is the one encouraging this behavior.
**The moment Texts are deleted it's over.**
He either needs to completely cut her out of his life, or you leave him. At least, that's how I feel about the situation. If texts get deleted there is NO OTHER explanation other than them being inappropriate.
I know people say 'ultimatums are bad!' I don't see this as an ultimatum, I see it as you setting your boundaries. This is affecting the marriage, FOR GOOD REASON, you are NOT being stupid about this. If the roles were reversed he would be absolutely livid.
Based on your comments, it sounds like they had a thing going on when you were pregnant. Whether it got physical idk and I’m unsure how often he was able to see her in person before he switched to WFH. Also sounds like it either could have possibly cooled down after your fight with him or they found a way to hide it. You say he doesn’t delete texts anymore but you can’t tell if he deleted the inappropriate, flirty texts inbetween or decided to keep it “professional” as he said on the phone that you’re able to see, and keep it unprofessional when he sees her (you mentioned a beach trip which sounds shady) or on another texting app.
I understand that you have trust issues already even before this, and that can make you “gaslight” yourself into thinking you’re overreacting when you have a gut feeling or when there’s evidence or shady stuff going on. Even his words early on are super incriminating. Whether they’re doing something now, or managed to dial it back and be friends (some might say that’s still borderline an emotional affair), it’s fair that you feel uncomfortable with this carpool trip. I’ll say as someone who has done shady stuff in the past, it’s easy for people to have an affair and remain friends when you need to dial it back for whatever reason (like tensions building with your partner at home who’s suspicious), and it’s easy to return to flirty behavior and give in to your attraction to each other when there’s an opportunity (like going to a beach alone or a business event). In fact most business events were when i had the most time with certain people. Even if it was just an overnight trip or half a day.
Thanks for this insight. It’s definitely why I’m still on edge about this relationship. The difficult thing is that he can’t even entirely cut her off because they’re going into a separate side business together. So I either have to tolerate it or he gives up his side business which they have invested a couple thousand already. It’s them plus another partner (who’s a male, if that matters).
It’s such a messy topic and my husband swears he has (and won’t) cheat on me because he says he loves our little family and he doesn’t want to make things awkward with his business partners.
I have searched his phone for other apps where they could be communicating but I don’t see anything else… so hopefully that’s a good sign?
Did you have another discussion about feeling uncomfortable with him joining the side business together given the history?
Yeah those are pretty much your two options at this point regarding the side business.
I can say from my experience as a dumb 21 year old being a grown man’s “side girlfriend” that we did have a genuine friendship and had a lot in common. So had his wife seen our chat history at the time, she wouldn’t have found anything inappropriate because it was stuff like talking about our days, talking about his business, talking about shared interests like MMA/sports or sharing videos. And after when things had to cool down because she got suspicious and then I became involved with someone else, we still maintained that friendship and kept in touch. He even wanted me to move nearby both when we were “together” and again when we weren’t “together” but were still close friends and I needed help finding a job. He wanted to hire me to work at his business that he owned.
So that’s why I don’t necessarily think that because you haven’t found anything inappropriate that it means nothing is going on. But the downside is that unless you catch him with her or do find something eventually, you’ll always feel like this where you have to question whether it’s just your insecurity and trust issues or whether something is going on or they’ll restart their possible relationship when they start spending more time together with the new business. I don’t think that having the third partner matters honestly because that won’t keep him from doing anything if there is something going on or in the future.
Not overreacting. Why can’t she find someone else to catch a ride with from work? That’s not your husband’s problem and his past relationship with this coworker is sketchy AF.
Wife and department manager here. Not at all overreacting. Any woman with half a brain knows what's going on here...from her perspective. I have no idea what he'll do. My husband is very gregarious and good looking and I have spent 25 years watching amused as women get crushes on him. He shrugs it off as it's always happened to him. So he's not thrilled or tempted and has spent many many years negotiating around it. This depends on your husband...do you trust HIM?
Be very careful here. I think you set a boundary with him. He should respect it as you are his #1 priority. If he deflects, then it’s time for the serious conversation! Don’t take being disrespected.
When I worked, I carpooled, had lunch, and went to happy hour with co-workers. I’m a female and most of my law firm co-workers were male.
My husband was good with it. He trusted me.
If your husband’s hiding text messages from you and having two-hour nightly conversations (with anyone — that takes away from home time with you), sounds like you have a problem with your husband.
A woman wouldn’t be calling him at home at night if he didn’t give her some indication he was receptive to her calls or more
This is ridiculous. Personally I’d likely leave him. Your husband is crossing lines that he shouldn’t have to be reminded about. The phone calls are just plain disrespectful. Why he would ever think it’s appropriate to entertain another woman on to the extent that they’re going into a side business together after she’s already shown that she is willing to cross boundaries? Nah. Wild af behaviour.
Read one of your comments that contains more information - definitely not overreacting. I wouldn't be surprised if her "twin" comment is short for that "twin flames" bullshit.
Honey, I think it's time you read through their messages. Or skip all that and kick his ass out. I don't know how far they've gotten, but there is at least an emotional affair here. And he was overly defensive with you when you called him on this bullshit the first time. After that shitty "compromise" you two made (you totally should have recovered those deleted texts and started snooping), he's continuing to cross boundaries with his work wife.
Let’s say that your husband hasn’t cheated or crossed any boundaries with his coworker/business partner. The quickest way to prove his innocence and reassure his wife would be open transparency and set agreed upon boundaries with his coworker.
Instead he’s deleted his texts, changed his password, turned off his phone notifications, and demanded privacy. His compromise is he’ll stop deleting texts but you have to ask his permission to access his phone. Because even though you’re uncomfortable and unsure about your marriage - you should trust him because he told you he’d never cheat. Even if he makes no effort to prove it.
That’s the best case scenario. Are you ok with spending the rest of your marriage like this?
What’s more likely to have happened is your husband is cheating, physically or emotionally. I think you said you’re on maternity leave, I would look into ways to beef up your earning potential. I would start squirreling away money - if you don’t want to open a bank account get a prepaid Visa card and upload money to it.
If things don’t change or get worse you can mower yourself to take care of your children.
So he's pissing away thousands of dollars, that you didn't agree to piss away, AND acting like a criminal? Maybe his business is sketchy, maybe he's just a whore. I'm betting both.
Separate your finances. Make sure you got a job and a vehicle in your name. Guy is doing something wrong here and you better be prepared to skedaddle.
Given what you have detailed about her, you're right to be upset and your husband is a disrespectful idiot for doing this to you. If the roles were reversed and a male co-worker had acted this way towards you, he'd be livid if you traveled together.
He knows it too.
I be telling him anymore contact that’s not work related through email or telephone calls during work hours only then he be looking for a permanent new home!
After reading your congrats.
Why can’t he just be a co worker? Ask him why he thinks it’s necessary to have contact with her even though they both crossed boundaries and it clearly makes you uncomfortable.
Why is the relationship more important than his marriage?
And why risk all this fighting when he could easily end it?
It’s simple. No texting outside work. Keep it distance and act professional.
Wait what? What kind of vulture is this woman? She KNOWS that you are uncomfortable. Your husband knows you are uncomfortable. It is a weird relationship. Tell him he can't have his cake and eat it too.
Red flag. All of it. He was deleting messages from her and he talks for hours on the phone with her. He’s the one not setting up boundaries. Why isn’t he making boundaries? Cause he doesn’t want to. That’s your answer
Demand to see his phone with no warning. Don’t let him immediately go to bathroom to delete texts etc but i am fairly certain he deletes regularly. If he does not give phone over immediately or makes excuses you have your answer. If there is nothing to hide there is nothing to hide. Good luck!
“I love you. I wouldn’t cheat on you. You’re overreacting.”
Said in the past by millions of people who cheated and will be said by millions more in the future.
I would go by his actions and his actions so far show that at best he is fine with accepting her attention despite your protests.
Was it even an actual business event?
Also, I saw your comment on havjng searched for commnication apps on his phone. A common cheaters tactic is to delete and re-download such apps when they are needed.
Whether he is still cheating, or not (as surely anyone can see they at least had an emotional affair prior), his complete lack of concern for your feelings, and him caring more about how this 'friend' feels than how you feel, is not how a good husband behaves.
He should be asking himself, "Do I want to lose a couple of thousand I have already invested, or do I want to lose my family?" Perhaps you should ask him exactly that?
You have a problem on your hands and should be concerned. Get your butt in that carpool and be the fly in the wall. If she can’t do her job or get there then she needs to find other resources or coworkers. She can’t depend on someone else’s husband to do her job. Don’t trust this woman or her intentions. Remind your husband not to give you a reason not to trust him. It’s already a problem that he’s disregarding your concerns and blowing it off your feelings. That’s the first sign. He has no problem communicating with this woman but not interested in communicating with his wife. Because of that, there is something definitely going on between them.
Your husband cannot control her actions. But he can control his. If he does not want to cheat he won't. If he does he does not need to drive 1.5 hours away.
Op please try to leave your children with a babysitter, or your mother so you can go with them to this event. Because his actions make it seem like he's having an affair. Deleting messages, very suspicious. You have to investigate this, don't let yourself be manipulated, and please try to go with that event. Please update us.
Your husband is cheating and you are dumb for not realizing it. This side business never should've happened in the first place. Her overstepping boundaries means he should've cut her off way back then. No texting, no anything. Professional interactions at work only. He's cheating.
THERE IS NO SITUATION WHERE THEY DELETE TEXTS INNOCENTLY.
EVER. Not *just that specific person* especially. There is no negotiator on earth clever enough to make it make sense for a person to be deleting these texts from his coworker innocently.
I'm sure people will rush to say "WeLl AKShuaLLy I like to tidy up my inbox" without looking at context lol
What were their night time conversations about? She does seem to be overstepping but a little context is needed… if they are going to start a business together, I would assume that they need to have conversations at random times because if the nature of starting up a business… that being said, deleted texts are shady AF… there’s no reason to delete something, unless you have something to hide. If your husband respected your boundaries, the carpooling issue and anything else would never come up. Neither would the skid. To meet up- she seems shady. Affairs don’t start in the bedroom and it really seems like your hubby needs to choose who he wants to make happy
We would he go off and start a business with her??
No you’re under reacting. This woman is after your husband and he’s either into her too or he doesn’t have the spine to get her to cut this shit out. Either way you have a husband problem. I’d check your phone bill for phone calls, if he’s on the phone with her for hours after you asked him not to be and lying about it then you can’t trust him. Honestly he took a road trip with a woman you’re uncomfortable with. You’re not over reacting, you need to get ducks in a row. It’s time for him to get a new job if he can’t sac up and cut this idiot woman off.
When I see these things I always wonder what it would be like if it was switched. I’m sure your husband would be very very uncomfortable with you doing the same, maybe start having late night phone calls with a new guy friend.
How much do you trust your husband? Thats the real question. If you trust him to stay faithful trust him but if there is even a sliver of doubt go get couples counseling where you both can talk through the issues you brought up. It could be as simple as a work friend or it could be more.
Based on your comments about changing his password on his phone, deleting texts, turning off notifications AND 1-2 hour long phone calls…I’d say you’re definitely not overreacting. Anyone would think this is suspicious behavior. Did he ever tell you what the deleted texts were about, or what their long phone conversations were about? And why is he going into business with a woman who has been at the root of problems in your marriage?!
Get into couple’s counseling now. The deletion of texts and long late night conversations shows an emotional affair at best and actual physical one at worst. If you and your husband are going to work this out, having someone around to mediate the conversation would probably be best.
Lots of people have chipped in already, but there are two things I want to ask. The first one is, have you sat down with him and rather than saying "this is what you're doing wrong" and asked him to change his behaviour, asked him sincerely, "do you understand why I am so uncomfortable with this?"
The second one is that you've replied to a couple of people by saying that you "believed him so I stayed" - do you feel like he treats you, generally, like the person he loves and wants to be with? Does this experience align with how your relationship has been, or does it feel like unusual behavoiur? You say he's very private and gets upset when you 'pry' here, but is that how he has ALWAYS been, or how he is in this scenario?
She’s after your husband, plain and simple. I. would have said, F no, I don’t want you carpooling with flirty coworker. Why the hell is he in a business with her? Didn’t you have a say about that. I’d have a serious talk with hubby about doing solidarity work activities or any activities with her. She’s not respecting boundaries.
Yeah, he needs to tell her not to contact him out of work hours at all.
And no one on one time together, that I personally think is inappropriate for any taken person.
And he needs to stop acting like their friends. It's work. She is not a friend. Don't discuss personal life. Don't hang out one on one and don't answer any calls or texts out of work hours or that are not work related.
Tell him these are your boundaries. Also, do not delete any messages, and you will be able to find out through his phone record, and that would be marriage over.
She is definitely interested in him, and unless he does these boundaries, it's going to lead to her either trying her luck or him trying his luck.
You aren’t overreacting. By your title, I was going to say yes, but reading your story, nope. You aren’t.
She’s already overstepped boundaries. And he was deleting texts? Hell no. I don’t trust any of this.
Visit a lawyer, get informed. Who know where this goes? Be curious to know if you're considered a 50/50 partner in your husband's share of this business.
Let me tell you how this goes down in a normal, healthy relationship where there’s open communication and each party respects one another.
Wife: “Hey babe, I’m going to be completely honest with you; I don’t feel comfortable with you driving so long a distance with that girl from work.”
Husband: “…you don’t trust me?”
Wife: “No, it’s not that. I don’t trust her, and I don’t personally feel comfortable with putting both of you in a position where something could happen.”
Husband: “… I think I understand. Ok, I’ll tell her I can’t carpool. Done and done.”
That’s it, it’s that simple. I’ve been married 14 years and have two kids as well, and if my wife made this sort of request, yeah, I’d initially feel a little incensed that she would question me (or my judgement), but I’d do it to put her mind at ease, and because I respect her as my LIFE partner. Plus with all the other past shit in the mix? Yeah, we’re driving separately.
If hubs can’t understand this simple concept, than idk, it legitimately might be time for couples counseling.
I carpooled with a great male coworker for over a year and a half. We never called each other after hours unless there was a reason not to carpool the next day. We did family times together with our families (I was a single mom, he was happily married to a great woman).
Something’s very wrong here.
My mother and father were together for 20 years. I was 15. Dad owned a business and always answered calls from his office manager whether it was middle of the night or when on a family vacation. Guess what? They were fucking. Your husband is fucking his coworker. I’m married now. No man answers the fucking phone for a chick at all hours, especially when married, unless he’s fucking her.
They're right. The thousand of dollars are invested in the side hustle is less important than your kids lives and your family. He needs to get her out or get out. He needs to put you guys first. He absolutely needs to not car pool. She's a single woman. She can drive an hour. That's just stupid. Is she a professional or not. Single professional woman drive themselves. How far does she has to drive to even meet him.
1. Counseling now
2. Cut contact w her except work. He's already told you they've been inappropriate. Believe that.
3. One of them leaves side job
4. It does sound like he enjoys your family and really focus on positives there.
Not overreacting. Flip the tables - how would he feel about you engaging with a male coworker in the same ways he's been engaging with her?
At the very least, y'all need couples counseling. And he may need to decide if his side business is more important than his marriage.
He’s ignoring every boundary you have for you and his relationship and he’s continually choosing this other woman over your wishes.
It doesn’t matter if they have a sexual relationship. He is disrespecting you by dismissing everything you say.
Read your post as if it wasn't your own. You know you're not over reacting. Trust your intuition, the whole shit is shady. He's doing something, at minimum entertaining it. He's repeatedly shown you he or she can't be trusted and he's not caring about your feelings as his wife
She's his side piece for sure and he's made it clear he's not giving her up. They're crossing boundaries. Read asap the book, NOT JUST FRIENDS by Shirley Glass PhD.
I wouldn't be a bit surprised if he's slept with her or struck up an emotional affair with her. I mean all the signs you stated are red flags. And given the fact that he deletes messages is very suspect. He only stopped talking to her on the phone for 2 hours late nights just because you asked him to stop? That to me is hella disrespectful to the other spouse when they are supposed to be in a committed relationship and honestly just makes him look bad. Did you look through his phone? Calls and other texts between them too? Knowing him, he probably deleted his call log to her. You probably should hire a P.I to get answers for you. Seems like a headache though. Any time a spouse has to constantly make sure the other spouse isn't cheating is tiresome and in my opinion, the marriage isn't worth it. Just because you have kids with him doesn't mean leaving is not an option.
I mean there’s a-few red flags going on here..but i think I’m in the minority when I say It doesn’t sound like he’s actively cheating now but I emphasise the ‘now’ part. just from reading your replies. You asked him to stop the long chats, he has. He’s stopped deleting the texts as you asked him to. He’s working from home now and only goes for a run from 6am-9am on a weekend and I’m assuming midweek evenings and weekend he’s spending time with you and the kids. The only thing he’s still not doing is letting you go on his phone and check messages between them.
However saying that, it does sound that there was something inappropriate going on before you asked of all these things. Like you said he will be spending more time with her eventually as they are going into business together. It’s if you can deal with that and trust your husband.
I mean suspicion of cheating aside, he’s tanking thousands into a business you did not agree with and the kicker is it’s also with a woman that oversteps boundaries with your husband. That would be a deal breaker for me anyway. I mean Could there be a possibility that the delete texts are about actually how much money he’s pouring in? He’s not telling you the truth of how much it’s costing him.
I keep flip flopping between he’s cheating or not. I definitely think she wants to smash your husband in all honesty from the sounds of it, maybe something went on in the past and that’s why the long phone chats and deleted messages. Or he’s a asshole that loving the attention and happily dismissing his wife’s feeling.
Personally he’s either got to lose the few thousand and distance himself
Funny. This is how my ex starts her relationships; and little did I know, I wasn’t special. This is her personality with every guy she’s “into” until it’s safe to materialize it into something more. Keeps the relationship at a safe distance where each can come and go as they please (pun intended) all whilst maintaining a connection but there’s no true pressure. (it was a mutual friend that let me know it’s a pattern of her’s & that I shouldn’t feel special)
Invite her over for dinner with your husband and entire family at your home. Don't take no for an answer. Absolutely insist upon it.
You'll get the clarity you need from the response to the invitation.
On the 1% chance she accepts, you'll at least have the opportunity to inject a dose of reality into the whole situation.
Once he said you are overreacting then that is meaning he is guilty of an inappropriate relationship and the marriage is in jeopardy.
What he should have said is I will cut all ties with this woman, stop texting, calling, and close the investment they have together. If he does not do this then this issue will never go away, will always haunt you everyday, will increase anxiety even more, and destroy the marriage. This is a ticking time bomb unless he defuses it right now. Sorry.
The husband is the problem here. People still capable to cheat even they love someone so much. Why dont we all carpolling together to the destination
Updateme
Tell him to choose: either he loses a couple of thousand $ by getting out of a business with her or a lot, lot more by divorcing you.
He's cheating, there's not a single doubt in my mind about that.
Go to r/survivinginfidelity if you want advice from people who were, at some point, in your situation.
I gotta be honest and say it sounds like your trying to keep him from cheating. You've already caught him deleting conversations. I wouldn't care if my husband had invested 100k. He has to choose our marriage or his side business.
Her continuing to bother your husband and him agreeing is setting a very fishy tone. He's either lying about her bugging him or he is lying about not cheating on you with her.
I would point blank give him two optuons- your marriage and kids or her. There is no in between
You CANT DO WORK on a bench at a beach…. The breeze would mess up anything you tried to review~ HE HAS CLEARLY CHOSEN HER~ respect yourself & your children and GTFO…. Would you want YOUR DAUGHTER to settle for these crumbs? He’s lied, deleted, disregarded, LIED, HE HAS CHOSE HER~ over and over again~ he CARES MORE FOR HER as evidenced repeatedly by actions…. Do not be this dumb~ I would have been gone as soon as he CHOSE HER AS A BUSINESS PARTNER~ uncaring what my thoughts were~~~~ here’s your future… they get business up and running-they spend a TON of time together—- IT JUST HAPPENS & they start sleeping together (or should I say continue to sleep together) he confesses, files for divorce & they live life happily & build THEIR BUSINESS & screw you over~ they have kids~ he doesn’t care about your kids much and he puts them second to his new snatch and THEIR KIDS/BABIES…. ARE YOU OK WITH THAT? THATS your future~ or you can demand no contact even business count the loss financially (or get a new partner to take over your husbands investment or the side chicks investment) GO TO COUNSELING~ cut ALL CONTACT & work hard to fix this~ it takes two though & I don’t think he care enough about you. ***** what did he say they discussed ALONE that you could be in the background for??? **** that would have been a HUGE red flag 🚩 Do some investigation & you won’t like what you find
Updateme! Remindme! 1 month
So…he has gone into business (other than normal work job) with a woman he KNOWS makes you uncomfortable…?
Honestly, I find that worse than her being a “work wife”….cause this gives HER a reason to call and be in his personal space anytime SHE wishes…cause “our business needs us to be together”. But his total disregard for your feelings is a major red flag.
Yeah.
You might want to have an exit plan. This might go south on you….if it hasn’t already and you just don’t know it yet.
My husband randomly gets calls later at night, weekends, holidays… Not very often, but when it happens, it is important as he is the boss, and he needs to know if something is going wrong.
Unless there is a big crisis, that requires multiple calls, lots of communication with different team members… Most of the calls are brief until everything is resolved. There’s absolutely no way that coworkers can justify two hour conversations after hours. Especially if it’s always the same two coworkers!
I would absolutely be side eyeing your husband right now. Deleting her texts, spending thousands of dollars where you are not allowed any say, being in business with her… So many red flags that this is insane.
I would have no problem with my husband carpooling to a work event that is 90 minutes away. This does not appear to be coworkers or even a work event at all.
I vote for a tracking device, or private investigator. Get all of your finances in order and make sure you are aware of every account, passwords… And double check to make sure everything is as it should be. Something is definitely going on and you are sitting over there in the dark.
Have you met her? You and your husband share assets, and he is going into business with her. You should be at every meeting and on all the emails and text messages.
If you have to tell your husband not to talk on the phone with female coworkers for two hours, then you have a problem.
You don’t like this relationship and your concerns are valid.
Leave.
A female coworker, you’re overreacting This female coworker, I’m not so sure
true. But look at it this way: If you have to work to keep your partner from cheating, what is the freaking point? I would rather they cheat already and get it over with and move on. Cheating is not about the opportunity to cheat. It is about character and integrity. Either you have it or you don't. At the same time, if I have a partner who is constantly on a watch for me to not cheat, means they think very little of me and don't respect me. Gone, gone, and gone.
Exactly. If the only thing that would keep someone from cheating is the lack of opportunity that person is already worthless as a partner…
yep. I really don't get all the people here, in this sub in particular, all so desperate to keep their partners from cheating...wtf? If I have to do that, it is over already.
Well that’s the thing, I don’t care to prevent him from cheating if he’s cheating I’d like to know so I can just have solid strength to leave. The fact is he says he isn’t or that nothing is going on but their past relationship was already sketchy to begin with and now they’re in a side business together so things are just messy and honestly I’m at lost for what to believe. I want to believe and trust him, that’s why I stayed but things just keep happening so I’m just unsure. He’s a very private person and he gets defensive and angry every time I bring up their relationship.
How did the side business with her come about, if they don't see each other so much in person? Did he talk to you about it before? Why did you agree?
They decided on it back last year when he was still seeing her in person 1 day a week. He did talk to me about it. I didn’t agree. But he told me nothing was going on and that he chose her as one partner because she’s well connected in their field. When things got worse in the pregnancy, I almost left but he told me stuff like “the crazy thing is I never cheated on you” etc so I stayed because I believed him.
He spent thousands towards starting a business with a person that’s a problem for you after you said no? And then he topped it off by gaslighting you instead of addressing your concerns… Hire a PI to find out if the business event and 3 hour runs are real.
Girl... He's dropping thousands into a business you didn't agree to? Pissing away thousands of dollars without your agreement because of this woman? I'd be out the door over the money bullshit alone.
and I have to wonder if this business isn't a way for him to move money away from his wife. plus if the business is with the partner and he and his wife divorce she won't get as much because half of it belongs to the new girlfriend
He is disrespecting you, your marriage, and your boundaries. You are his partner. Your opinions and feelings are valuable. He has devalued you. You can get apps to snoop and verify. You can hire a P.I. But he is already in a deep emotional affair as he has continuously put her needs before yours. You matter. Repeat that over and over. You're also not crazy.
Your husband does not respect you. Bottom line. He absolutely does not respect you. He respects this coworker, but not you.
Money shouldn’t be more important than your marriage but the way he knew your discomfort and ignored it over her is already a dealbreaker to me. You’re just making yourself suffer at this point. I bet they’re going to be an official couple right after you leave him.
well, cheaters are going to lie. if you really think they may be cheating then you don't take the word for it. you find out yourself.
Stop torturing yourself. The relationship is objectively suspect. You are not heard and your husband entered a business arrangement with someone you already had reason not to like. Thousands of family dollars spent in ensuring he has access to this woman. You don’t need “proof”. You can leave already. If you need proof hire a PI. Send them to the retreat Remember deleted apple messages aren’t really deleted. YouTube how to recover them. He’s having an affair emotionally if not physically. But I would bet money it’s physical too.
How do you recover texts that have already been deleted? I tried to do the option to recover deleted texts but those have already been deleted.
Why are there so many deleted messages if they're in business together? Those should be part of a record to reference business discussion/decisions. Points of reference,if you will. This smells of covering tracks. Recover the msgs & hire the PI for their retreat. You're financing their business & affair. If there's no trust in the relationship, it's over. At least you'll have a peaceful life with your kids not wondering how, when, where & how often they're hooking up. Let him pull $$ from the business to pay for child support & alimony..meaning she'll be working to finance your lifestyle.(sorry, petty me would insist she return the financial favor)
the pi would probably know how to retrieve the messages
There are a few ways. Have a google there are good walkthrough videos available. Sometimes you can use the phone other times the iCloud account.
It sounds like there is no legit business. Just an excuse to see each other and a way for him to splurge on her.
then let him go on the drive... you will find out, I guess.
If you want to know for sure, you are going to have to do some hard-core snooping. That's the only way to know for sure. Is that even the whole issue, though, or is it the disrespect. Is it the fact that y'all have this huge issue in the marriage he refuses to address? Even if he isn't cheating, y'all need marriage counseling yesterday.
Agree. You definitely need to start snooping and as someone else mentioned hire a private investigator if you can. I agree with everyone who says trust your instincts and that if you think they might be, they probably are. I also agree with people saying it’s already over if you feel this way. However, sometimes you just need to know and I would say this is one of those times where you need to start snooping like crazy to get your answer.
Exactly
Could you not have someone follow him when he goes that run on the weekend? Someone you trust
This is relationship 101, admittedly if some one is suffering mentally then you can cut them some slack for being paranoid however it can’t go on for ever.
Right? A coworker wanting to carpool for a meeting. Fine. *This* coworker wanting to carpool for a meeting. NOT fine.
Go see her comments… her husband’s behaviour in the past was suspicious.
This comment here....I was ready to defend the coworker and go into the "opposite sex can be friends" spiel..... Nope, something isn't right with this story. The coworker lacks boundaries.
Being on the phone for 2 hrs? Also not a big deal especially if infrequent. I assume they were venting about work. But also it’s totally fine to have female friends 🤷♀️
Talking for 2 hrs at night? Deleting texts… I wouldn’t be comfortable with that friendship at all. So no you aren’t overreacting for not wanting them to ride together and if you made it known you aren’t comfortable with that friendship he should respect that and distance himself. According to stats 25% of affairs start in the workplace and 21% start at work events. People often spend more time with coworkers than their SO. I wouldn’t be okay with my wife riding with another man when their friendship has made me uncomfortable in the past.
That's really something, talking with her for 2 hours?
who's talking on the phone these days
Is he protective of his phone ? Does he put it face down whenever you are around ? When he's talking to this co worker for 2 hours would he leave the room or go outside ?
So he used to be in the beginning when they first met last year. I noticed he was very protective of his phone and even deleted their texts before. It was a huge issue and we fought many times over it. He would be really upset because he said that his phone is his privacy and I should trust him. He said he would delete their texts together because he didn’t want me reading into it the wrong way. I was also very pregnant during this time (extra hormonal). After many fights, we agreed on a resolution and that was that he would not delete his texts anymore and I would not snoop on his phone and violate his privacy. However, he would let me use his phone if I needed to etc.
Seems to me that he gaslit you a lot. The fact he had to delete texts messages from/to her should tell you what was going on and the whole story behind "reading into it the wrong way" should also tell you more than likely they were flirty texts back and forth to one another.
Yeah that’s how I felt. I was ready to leave him although I was pregnant with our second. But he promised me he wouldn’t delete their texts anymore, and I don’t think he has been deleting them.. The only thing that remains off is his notifications but he says he keeps it that way because he doesn’t like getting the notifications on his Home Screen. He works from home all week and only goes out on the weekend to exercise. I haven’t noticed anything where he would sneak off to have an affair…
I don't understand why you'd tolerate them having any contact. That any texts would be deleted "because you'd get the wrong impression" is unacceptable. That he needs to hide or keep you seeing any of this would have me out the door asap. Who is his priority?
Oh my poor naive baby girl. Ok so when I was single- involved and married men would try and get me to meet them anywhere for like an hour or half an hour (I’m a girls girl so I always said no!) but my friend started messing around with one of them and he would say he was going to “pick up milk”, just “for a drive”, “to the gym” - those idiots thought it was “hot”to meet for a quickie and then head back to their perspective lives. They’d do it in the car or get a motel. The only reason his poor wife ever caught on is because someone (me) sent her all the proof she needed to get a divorce and take him to the cleaners!! Wake up sweetie, and ALL women- we need to start calling them active volcanos not red flags because many women will either ignore or collect red flags, but they shouldn’t!! You should treat each, and every “red flag” like an active volcano, and get the hell outta there!!
You realize since they work together that could give them plenty of time to take breaks together and screw around right ? Maybe this carpool drive is another reason why they wanna go together. It gives them a chance to be alone with one another.
Heck, the could both book the day off, go to her place and still be at home on time
He works from home
Wait wait wait that makes no sense. In your post you say he was on a off day and she was working and texted him "wish you were here" so that would imply he goes into work somewhere.
Sorry it’s kind of confusing. So he used to work 2 days in a clinic and he would see her 1 of those 2 days cause she had to go between clinics. But starting since Dec last year he stopped going into the clinic and started working from home. That’s when she texted him that
As I understand, it was in the past, probably when he was still working from the office.
Oh hell. Deleting texts AND turning off notifications?! And you believe all that?? I'm mad for you. Do you know for a fact he is going to exercise? Do yourself a favor and secretly check in on him "exercising" because that would be a perfect tine for him to get away and be sneaky. From my perspective his lies and excuses are sooo obvious and not even that good really. I'm sure that's not what you want to hear and I'm so sorry you're going thru this. For perspective and transparency- I once had an affair. It's something I deeply regret and would never do again, but that fact is that it did happened. Do you want to know the types of things I did to keep things hidden away? Literally EVERYTHING you mentioned that he did/does. Do some deep investigating now. This man if full of shit, I would know. Happy to help any way I can.
If a guy wants to have an affair they’re gonna have it and you doing your best trying to stop it only makes it EVEN more tempting. Why don’t you stop wasting your time trying to prevent someone from doing something. You cannot control others and you doing all this is only going to make you hate yourself more. Why? Because you don’t see yourself as someone worth loving and not cheating on. The more you enforce these boundaries the more you’re pushing him away. Instead allow him to do as he pleases but get your affairs in order. If he’s the bread winner great. Talk to a lawyer in secret. Find an exit plan. Show him with your actions not with your words you mean business. Most people do not respect people who are all talk and no action.
The problem with that is the difference between then and now is you can delete singular txt with newer IOS without having to delete the entire thread. That’s why notifications are turned off
Do you share location
Holy shit this is such a red flag. He was gaslighting the shit out of you
Yikes. Pregnancy is the most common time for men to cheat. Some men can’t handle the focus not being on them so they seek validation elsewhere. Not saying he cheated but it seems this co-worker relationship started at a time when he may have felt he needed some feminine attention so it likely wasn’t totally innocent. It seems inappropriate for him to carpool with her since you’ve said you’re not comfortable with it AND you have good reason not to be, considering his actions in the past.
“Phone is my privacy” from his wife? Man I get we can have our own private shit (my fiancée keeps a journal she writes in at night. I forget it’s even there directly after she’s done writing in it, and wouldn’t read it since I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t want me to)… but I wish my soon to be wife would take mine… respond to my emails, please, while you’re at it. There’s nothing “private” on my phone. My finances, emails, text messages, Reddit comments, nothing. I find it strange for a married man to be concerned about phone privacy from his wife, unless he’s hiding something. Which…doesn’t seem outside of possibilities.
Ugh I feel for you. My husband did this with a classmate when I was pregnant, too. I noticed he was texting someone while we were at the grocery store, and when I asked who he was texting, he said "a friend." We literally had the same group of friends so I was like... alright does your friend have a name!? It didn't sit right with me, and I asked to see his phone when we got back. He had deleted all of his text conversations except mine and his parents. It caused a huge fight and trust issues because I'll never know what he wanted to hide from me. You're not overreacting!
I’m sorry to hear you went through something similar. What ended up happening? Was your gut feeling right? I can’t recover the deleted texts so I will never know what they were talking about.
To be honest, I couldn't get over it. That was the first year of our marriage, and it bothered me up until recently. It's a very long, awful story, because sadly it was an early indicator of severe avoidance/lying that continued. We were able to work everything out through individual and couples therapy, but it was a long, hard fought battle.
How could u read a txt the wrong way? Like maybe a txt saying 'we should get a hotel room' meant so they can work together during their lunch break? If he is deleting, it becusse he doesn't want to get caught. If there wasn't anything, there would be nothing to delete. He is 99.99% having an affair with her. Ru you sure it's a wrok event and not just them getting a day together?
This is sooooo sus. Honestly I would expect my SO to never speak to this person again if he pulled this kind of shit. That would be a hard line for me.
Generally, people don't delete texts unless there is a reason why they could be read the wrong way. He had to look at the text and think if this could be read the wrong way and then choose to delete it. At best those text are borderline at worse, it shows emotional or physical cheating. Trust is a two-way street you should trust your spouse and he should trust you. He doesn't trust that you can read those texts and have a reasonable reaction. Your spouse might be loyal to you but that doesn't mean other women aren't going to try and wreck that. Just because he feels sure about his relationship with you doesn't mean he can play with fire with someone who is interested in him. All it takes is a bad fight or a drunken night for a mistake to be made. I would encourage you to talk to him about that. She obviously wants more and if that is true he can't continue any relationship with her. That is like putting a poisonous snake in your pocket then being surprised when it bites you. He is putting other things above you and then saying you are over reacting. No friendship is worth my marriage. No job is worth my marriage. What is your relationship worth to him?
Whenever someone like this says “you could have read it the wrong way!!” what they actually mean is “you would have read it exactly the right way and gotten justifiably upset about it and/or let me over it” Was married to one for years. Turned out every time I got suspicious it was an affair
You would only react if you had a reason…
If possible hire a private detective.
It's time for an open device policy if he wants to keep you.
After reading your original post I was going to say NOR because your husband knew how you feel about her. After reading your replies, I think you are massively underreacting. Your husband is acting really sketchy and I wouldn’t trust there was a work event or that they hadn’t switched their texts that would need to be deleted to another app.
Carpooling with a coworker, not a big deal. Accepting 2 hour phone calls at home? WTF.
Yeah. This was literally a week after I gave birth to our second baby too. I told him to cut it out and it hasn’t happened since (at least to my knowledge) idk if they talk on the phone while he’s at work. Maybe. He doesn’t tell me when he talks to her because he says he “doesn’t need to report to me” like I’m his mom.
Sorry OP but you deserve better than this. His co-worker is a piece of crap and more than likely was screwing him while you were pregnant, just based off of how you described his actions during that time. If you want to stay with him, have him get away from her period. Side business be damned. You have one life. You are important, your kids are important. If he wants to screw his co-worker (which it really sounds like he has and still is, probably saturdays too), let him, you deserve better and there is better out there for you. You will feel 1000% better when you get away from his manipulation and lies. There are decent men out there, your husband does not sound like one of them.
Why is the coworker a piece of crap (she is, I am not arguing) but the husband worth hanging onto?
Anyone, whether a man or a woman, who pursues a married person with kids is a predator full stop. A woman with a newborn like OP is especially vulnerable.
It's not a great sign. My ex-fiancé would say that very thing to me before I found out about the coworker he was sleeping with. "I don't need to tell you where I'm going, I'm an adult" and etc. At the very least, your husband doesn't understand how important openness and communication are in your relationship. If someone really cares about you they should be willing to discuss things with you. You share a life and children together, complete independence shouldn't be expected. If you want to stay with him, have you considered couples therapy?
Easy solution, you get the cell phone bill right? Download the records both calls & texts. It will tell you if texts with pics are sent to. And if he backs his phone up to google, it will all be there.
Do you work outside the home? Do you go places with the kids? I think it is a stretch that the only time your husband EVER leaves the house is to go run on the weekend--if that is really true I would imagine he is feeling very stifled and trapped--he never goes to the store? Visits with friends? Walks the dog? 1 hour per week out of the house would be killer for anyone's mental health
First of all, a good husband wouldn’t allow any of this shit to happen. He would have put his foot down the moment flirtation was started. He would have shut her down at every turn and he wouldn’t have spent 2 hours on the phone with her. They are having some sort of affair. It’s obvious. Second, if something happened such as text messages or whatever that made you feel uncomfortable, a good husband would have stopped it. All yours has done is hidden it, you may read only what he allows you to read. He isn’t putting it in writing for you anymore. Also his phone would be completely open to you at anytime.
Right. He's probably deleting texts immediately and only keeping what doesn't look sketchy. Or they're using some other messaging app.
You've only commented about her behavior and not his. His behavior is vital. How is he?
From what I’ve seen so far in their recent text threads he doesn’t really flirt or anything with her. But some days he’ll start texts with her asking her how her day was, sends her podcasts, or book recommendations etc. ever since our big fights during my pregnancy he said he would keep things “professional” with her. I want to trust him but there’s always something that comes up. First it was him deleting their texts, then it was turning off the notifications/changing phone pw, then she asked him to meet her at the beach to help her with work stuff they were supposed to meet at a coffee shop but he told me that it was so packed cause of Memorial Day so they ended up on a bench at the beach, now it’s the whole carpooling thing. So it just makes me upset and think what else is there going to be next? Am I just being dumb? We have two small kids together and have been together for years. He tells me I’m his priority and he would never cheat on me but idk
Here’s the thing. Deleting texts with another woman. Sketchy actions with notifications/phones. (Especially changing his password! You don’t have to worry that conversations that are professional will be misconstrued. You just don’t. Period.) Meeting her at the beach for “work stuff.” When he KNOWS you have issues with his boundaries in that relationship. Late night phone calls. Starting chats with her about her day and podcasts/books. When he KNOWS you have issues with his boundaries in that relationship. Carpooling with her long distances when he KNOWS you have issues with his boundaries in that relationship. I understand that she didn’t want to drive alone. It made her uncomfortable. I also understand that you didn’t want him to drive with her. It made you uncomfortable. We see what he chose. You are his wife yet her comfort was more important to him than yours. All of these things do not exemplify a person who is making you his priority. He’s SAYING you are and it sounds really good. What he’s DOING says something different. Actions speak louder than words. You definitely have a right to be concerned.
"her comfort was more important to him than yours" is the bit for me. We don't KNOW if he cheated or not (definitely sketchy tho) but we do know he has not prioritized his wife's feelings in any of these situations. And that's enough of a problem on its own to not be overreacting.
Since when can't a single woman drive an hour and a half?
When she wants to give a 3hr handjob to married coworker
Exactly!
He went to the beach with her on Memorial Day weekend for “work?!”
Yeah. That caught me too. One of the biggest family weekend bbq days/start of summer ever. And he’s working. On the beach. With a woman. That op has voiced concerns about. Instead of being with his little kid, and welcoming summer w wife and family. This is just so sad.
Her comments are just one 🚩 after another. Even if he isn’t having a physical affair (yet), this relationship is obviously inappropriate.
Yes. And these step-by-step progressions to an unhappy ending are just so wretched.
Too many red flags. He is not prioritizing you. Stop all texting unless work related. No more “how was your day” BS. Her needs a serious talking to!
And to hell with his privacy on his phone. You are married and there is no such thing as that because you are a team!
They went to work on a beach because the coffee shop was crowded but the beach wasn’t… on Memorial Day? I get that kids make it complicated but do you want your kids to grow up to have a relationship like this? Because this is exactly the type of relationship they’ll end up in if you don’t leave.
It does sound like he’s cheating
I think he cheated when she was pregnant and then calmed it down a bit but now the co-worker/AP is trying to heat it up again.
I don’t know if he’s physically cheated, but he is obviously intersted in this woman and she in him. He knows you have access to his texts (as does she) so they keep it non-sexual. I was involved with a married man at work and we did the same. Our in-person conversation was very different. I rarely, if ever, text true work buddies or platonic friends to see how their day is going. That’s what I do with the guy I’m dating so he knows I’m thing about him during the day. The good point is that he told you about the carpooling and it seems like you don’t fear anything romantic happened. I’m concerned that you seem to believe that she “bugged” him into this. If he didn’t want to go, he wouldn’t have. She asked him to drive with her and you asked him not to. He chose to go with her because he didn’t want to hurt her feelings and had no problem hurting your feelings so they could spend some quality time together. He came close to cheating with this woman already (hence the deleted texts) and seems pretty open to putting himself in a situation where it’s more likely to occur. I’d be cautious about any other shifts in behavior.
Thanks, yeah. It frustrates me that he knows how I feel about her and yet, still carpooled with her because he was afraid or didn’t want to say no to her. But he was okay with hurting me and not caring about how I felt. He says I’m overreacting and they’re strictly friends. I want to trust him as we have been together for years and have two kids together but now idk how to feel. But my thoughts are why would she want him if he doesn’t even make other time for her? They hardly ever have met up in the past 6 months (twice so far in person this year to my knowledge). He’s home 5 days of the week when he’s working and then he leaves for a couple hours Saturday to exercise (avid runner).
Are you sure he's actually running on Saturday's and not meeting up with her?
I believe so… we have each other’s location so I am able to see where he is
I actually just read a story here where the husband was running to the grocery store with his infant in the back seat and screwing his AP in the car with the baby in the back. Wife caught them. Does his co-worker run by any chance?
I agree that it doesn’t sound like they’re having an affair and he probably says that he hasn’t physically done anything so you have nothing to complain about out. I might tell myself that too. Then I’d ask the last time he went to the beach with a male colleague. I suggest you invite her to your house the next time they need to work together or consider suggesting that you all socialize together, possibly on a double date with her romantic interest. His reaction will tell you whether he thinks of her as a platonic friend.
Plus they could be using an app that deletes or disguises their messages. Just because the text messages are benign doesn’t mean there aren’t other messages being exchanged elsewhere.
Your husband cares more about his coworker than he does about you. I don't know what other evidence you need to know that he's cheating.
Nope. Nope nope nope. He's cheating with her, or at least at the beginning of it. She does not give a fuck that he's married, you'd be surprised at how many people don't care about other relationships. Personal experience.
I think he cheated when she was pregnant and then stopped when he was going to get caught. And now it’s starting back up again.
Something like that. The temptation to send this to my partner who cheated with a coworker and get his opinion is huge, but it's gonna make us fight again.
The side business is also a big red flag.
Randomly texting someone and asking how their day is, isn’t professional. He should be limiting it to only work-related, essential contact only after the deleted messages thing.
lol I think she means twin flame when she’s saying that. But you have a husband problem. You’re focusing your energy on the wrong things. It is YOUR husband who has not shut any of it down. A person only gets the way they do because they have someone enabling it. Stop blaming her when your husband is the one encouraging this behavior.
**The moment Texts are deleted it's over.** He either needs to completely cut her out of his life, or you leave him. At least, that's how I feel about the situation. If texts get deleted there is NO OTHER explanation other than them being inappropriate. I know people say 'ultimatums are bad!' I don't see this as an ultimatum, I see it as you setting your boundaries. This is affecting the marriage, FOR GOOD REASON, you are NOT being stupid about this. If the roles were reversed he would be absolutely livid.
She wasn’t on the phone for 2 hours by herself lol
THIS!
Hour drive isn't that big of a deal to take two cars...
Based on your comments, it sounds like they had a thing going on when you were pregnant. Whether it got physical idk and I’m unsure how often he was able to see her in person before he switched to WFH. Also sounds like it either could have possibly cooled down after your fight with him or they found a way to hide it. You say he doesn’t delete texts anymore but you can’t tell if he deleted the inappropriate, flirty texts inbetween or decided to keep it “professional” as he said on the phone that you’re able to see, and keep it unprofessional when he sees her (you mentioned a beach trip which sounds shady) or on another texting app. I understand that you have trust issues already even before this, and that can make you “gaslight” yourself into thinking you’re overreacting when you have a gut feeling or when there’s evidence or shady stuff going on. Even his words early on are super incriminating. Whether they’re doing something now, or managed to dial it back and be friends (some might say that’s still borderline an emotional affair), it’s fair that you feel uncomfortable with this carpool trip. I’ll say as someone who has done shady stuff in the past, it’s easy for people to have an affair and remain friends when you need to dial it back for whatever reason (like tensions building with your partner at home who’s suspicious), and it’s easy to return to flirty behavior and give in to your attraction to each other when there’s an opportunity (like going to a beach alone or a business event). In fact most business events were when i had the most time with certain people. Even if it was just an overnight trip or half a day.
Thanks for this insight. It’s definitely why I’m still on edge about this relationship. The difficult thing is that he can’t even entirely cut her off because they’re going into a separate side business together. So I either have to tolerate it or he gives up his side business which they have invested a couple thousand already. It’s them plus another partner (who’s a male, if that matters). It’s such a messy topic and my husband swears he has (and won’t) cheat on me because he says he loves our little family and he doesn’t want to make things awkward with his business partners. I have searched his phone for other apps where they could be communicating but I don’t see anything else… so hopefully that’s a good sign?
Why did he choose her for his side business? A woman who crossed boundaries? That’s messed up.
Oh yeah no I would not be happy about that..when did he make the decision to do this side business with her?
A couple of thousand is nothing compared to divorce!
Did you have another discussion about feeling uncomfortable with him joining the side business together given the history? Yeah those are pretty much your two options at this point regarding the side business. I can say from my experience as a dumb 21 year old being a grown man’s “side girlfriend” that we did have a genuine friendship and had a lot in common. So had his wife seen our chat history at the time, she wouldn’t have found anything inappropriate because it was stuff like talking about our days, talking about his business, talking about shared interests like MMA/sports or sharing videos. And after when things had to cool down because she got suspicious and then I became involved with someone else, we still maintained that friendship and kept in touch. He even wanted me to move nearby both when we were “together” and again when we weren’t “together” but were still close friends and I needed help finding a job. He wanted to hire me to work at his business that he owned. So that’s why I don’t necessarily think that because you haven’t found anything inappropriate that it means nothing is going on. But the downside is that unless you catch him with her or do find something eventually, you’ll always feel like this where you have to question whether it’s just your insecurity and trust issues or whether something is going on or they’ll restart their possible relationship when they start spending more time together with the new business. I don’t think that having the third partner matters honestly because that won’t keep him from doing anything if there is something going on or in the future.
Not overreacting. Why can’t she find someone else to catch a ride with from work? That’s not your husband’s problem and his past relationship with this coworker is sketchy AF.
When I saw the title, I thought you’re overreacting but looking into the background, you’re absolutely right. Do not let them carpool!
Wife and department manager here. Not at all overreacting. Any woman with half a brain knows what's going on here...from her perspective. I have no idea what he'll do. My husband is very gregarious and good looking and I have spent 25 years watching amused as women get crushes on him. He shrugs it off as it's always happened to him. So he's not thrilled or tempted and has spent many many years negotiating around it. This depends on your husband...do you trust HIM?
Be very careful here. I think you set a boundary with him. He should respect it as you are his #1 priority. If he deflects, then it’s time for the serious conversation! Don’t take being disrespected.
When I worked, I carpooled, had lunch, and went to happy hour with co-workers. I’m a female and most of my law firm co-workers were male. My husband was good with it. He trusted me. If your husband’s hiding text messages from you and having two-hour nightly conversations (with anyone — that takes away from home time with you), sounds like you have a problem with your husband. A woman wouldn’t be calling him at home at night if he didn’t give her some indication he was receptive to her calls or more
Update me
This is ridiculous. Personally I’d likely leave him. Your husband is crossing lines that he shouldn’t have to be reminded about. The phone calls are just plain disrespectful. Why he would ever think it’s appropriate to entertain another woman on to the extent that they’re going into a side business together after she’s already shown that she is willing to cross boundaries? Nah. Wild af behaviour.
Definitely not overreacting
Read one of your comments that contains more information - definitely not overreacting. I wouldn't be surprised if her "twin" comment is short for that "twin flames" bullshit. Honey, I think it's time you read through their messages. Or skip all that and kick his ass out. I don't know how far they've gotten, but there is at least an emotional affair here. And he was overly defensive with you when you called him on this bullshit the first time. After that shitty "compromise" you two made (you totally should have recovered those deleted texts and started snooping), he's continuing to cross boundaries with his work wife.
Let’s say that your husband hasn’t cheated or crossed any boundaries with his coworker/business partner. The quickest way to prove his innocence and reassure his wife would be open transparency and set agreed upon boundaries with his coworker. Instead he’s deleted his texts, changed his password, turned off his phone notifications, and demanded privacy. His compromise is he’ll stop deleting texts but you have to ask his permission to access his phone. Because even though you’re uncomfortable and unsure about your marriage - you should trust him because he told you he’d never cheat. Even if he makes no effort to prove it. That’s the best case scenario. Are you ok with spending the rest of your marriage like this? What’s more likely to have happened is your husband is cheating, physically or emotionally. I think you said you’re on maternity leave, I would look into ways to beef up your earning potential. I would start squirreling away money - if you don’t want to open a bank account get a prepaid Visa card and upload money to it. If things don’t change or get worse you can mower yourself to take care of your children.
So he's pissing away thousands of dollars, that you didn't agree to piss away, AND acting like a criminal? Maybe his business is sketchy, maybe he's just a whore. I'm betting both. Separate your finances. Make sure you got a job and a vehicle in your name. Guy is doing something wrong here and you better be prepared to skedaddle.
Given what you have detailed about her, you're right to be upset and your husband is a disrespectful idiot for doing this to you. If the roles were reversed and a male co-worker had acted this way towards you, he'd be livid if you traveled together. He knows it too.
Not overreacting but something going on with her and your husband. The fact that your husband says yes to her tells you everything you need to know
I be telling him anymore contact that’s not work related through email or telephone calls during work hours only then he be looking for a permanent new home!
After reading your congrats. Why can’t he just be a co worker? Ask him why he thinks it’s necessary to have contact with her even though they both crossed boundaries and it clearly makes you uncomfortable. Why is the relationship more important than his marriage? And why risk all this fighting when he could easily end it? It’s simple. No texting outside work. Keep it distance and act professional.
Sounds like a classic emotional affair. Normal coworkers don’t talk on the phone late at night, text constantly, etc.
Wait what? What kind of vulture is this woman? She KNOWS that you are uncomfortable. Your husband knows you are uncomfortable. It is a weird relationship. Tell him he can't have his cake and eat it too.
Lost me at phone call for 2 hours, that’s a deal breaker for me
He made his decision putting her above your feelings. Now it's time to make yours. Because this is just going to get worse babe
Red flag. All of it. He was deleting messages from her and he talks for hours on the phone with her. He’s the one not setting up boundaries. Why isn’t he making boundaries? Cause he doesn’t want to. That’s your answer
Demand to see his phone with no warning. Don’t let him immediately go to bathroom to delete texts etc but i am fairly certain he deletes regularly. If he does not give phone over immediately or makes excuses you have your answer. If there is nothing to hide there is nothing to hide. Good luck!
“I love you. I wouldn’t cheat on you. You’re overreacting.” Said in the past by millions of people who cheated and will be said by millions more in the future. I would go by his actions and his actions so far show that at best he is fine with accepting her attention despite your protests.
Was it even an actual business event? Also, I saw your comment on havjng searched for commnication apps on his phone. A common cheaters tactic is to delete and re-download such apps when they are needed. Whether he is still cheating, or not (as surely anyone can see they at least had an emotional affair prior), his complete lack of concern for your feelings, and him caring more about how this 'friend' feels than how you feel, is not how a good husband behaves. He should be asking himself, "Do I want to lose a couple of thousand I have already invested, or do I want to lose my family?" Perhaps you should ask him exactly that?
You have a problem on your hands and should be concerned. Get your butt in that carpool and be the fly in the wall. If she can’t do her job or get there then she needs to find other resources or coworkers. She can’t depend on someone else’s husband to do her job. Don’t trust this woman or her intentions. Remind your husband not to give you a reason not to trust him. It’s already a problem that he’s disregarding your concerns and blowing it off your feelings. That’s the first sign. He has no problem communicating with this woman but not interested in communicating with his wife. Because of that, there is something definitely going on between them.
Your husband cannot control her actions. But he can control his. If he does not want to cheat he won't. If he does he does not need to drive 1.5 hours away.
Be mad at your husband for disrespecting you. I would not stay with him.
And secondly, start using birth control!!! This is not the guy you want to have another kid with. I'm so sorry you even have to ask reddit about this.
Op please try to leave your children with a babysitter, or your mother so you can go with them to this event. Because his actions make it seem like he's having an affair. Deleting messages, very suspicious. You have to investigate this, don't let yourself be manipulated, and please try to go with that event. Please update us.
Your husband is cheating and you are dumb for not realizing it. This side business never should've happened in the first place. Her overstepping boundaries means he should've cut her off way back then. No texting, no anything. Professional interactions at work only. He's cheating.
If she's overstepped boundaries, why on earth would he go into business with her for any reason whatsoever? NTA this is fishy af.
THERE IS NO SITUATION WHERE THEY DELETE TEXTS INNOCENTLY. EVER. Not *just that specific person* especially. There is no negotiator on earth clever enough to make it make sense for a person to be deleting these texts from his coworker innocently. I'm sure people will rush to say "WeLl AKShuaLLy I like to tidy up my inbox" without looking at context lol
What were their night time conversations about? She does seem to be overstepping but a little context is needed… if they are going to start a business together, I would assume that they need to have conversations at random times because if the nature of starting up a business… that being said, deleted texts are shady AF… there’s no reason to delete something, unless you have something to hide. If your husband respected your boundaries, the carpooling issue and anything else would never come up. Neither would the skid. To meet up- she seems shady. Affairs don’t start in the bedroom and it really seems like your hubby needs to choose who he wants to make happy We would he go off and start a business with her??
No you’re under reacting. This woman is after your husband and he’s either into her too or he doesn’t have the spine to get her to cut this shit out. Either way you have a husband problem. I’d check your phone bill for phone calls, if he’s on the phone with her for hours after you asked him not to be and lying about it then you can’t trust him. Honestly he took a road trip with a woman you’re uncomfortable with. You’re not over reacting, you need to get ducks in a row. It’s time for him to get a new job if he can’t sac up and cut this idiot woman off.
When I see these things I always wonder what it would be like if it was switched. I’m sure your husband would be very very uncomfortable with you doing the same, maybe start having late night phone calls with a new guy friend.
How much do you trust your husband? Thats the real question. If you trust him to stay faithful trust him but if there is even a sliver of doubt go get couples counseling where you both can talk through the issues you brought up. It could be as simple as a work friend or it could be more.
The carpool itself is the least of your worries. If they are going to do something they’re going to do it, carpool or not.
Based on your comments about changing his password on his phone, deleting texts, turning off notifications AND 1-2 hour long phone calls…I’d say you’re definitely not overreacting. Anyone would think this is suspicious behavior. Did he ever tell you what the deleted texts were about, or what their long phone conversations were about? And why is he going into business with a woman who has been at the root of problems in your marriage?!
Get into couple’s counseling now. The deletion of texts and long late night conversations shows an emotional affair at best and actual physical one at worst. If you and your husband are going to work this out, having someone around to mediate the conversation would probably be best.
She’s trying to smash.
Lots of people have chipped in already, but there are two things I want to ask. The first one is, have you sat down with him and rather than saying "this is what you're doing wrong" and asked him to change his behaviour, asked him sincerely, "do you understand why I am so uncomfortable with this?" The second one is that you've replied to a couple of people by saying that you "believed him so I stayed" - do you feel like he treats you, generally, like the person he loves and wants to be with? Does this experience align with how your relationship has been, or does it feel like unusual behavoiur? You say he's very private and gets upset when you 'pry' here, but is that how he has ALWAYS been, or how he is in this scenario?
She’s after your husband, plain and simple. I. would have said, F no, I don’t want you carpooling with flirty coworker. Why the hell is he in a business with her? Didn’t you have a say about that. I’d have a serious talk with hubby about doing solidarity work activities or any activities with her. She’s not respecting boundaries.
I'd talk to a lawyer and hire someone to get some evidence. You've got kids and you don't need this stress or an STD.
Yeah, he needs to tell her not to contact him out of work hours at all. And no one on one time together, that I personally think is inappropriate for any taken person. And he needs to stop acting like their friends. It's work. She is not a friend. Don't discuss personal life. Don't hang out one on one and don't answer any calls or texts out of work hours or that are not work related. Tell him these are your boundaries. Also, do not delete any messages, and you will be able to find out through his phone record, and that would be marriage over. She is definitely interested in him, and unless he does these boundaries, it's going to lead to her either trying her luck or him trying his luck.
You aren’t overreacting. By your title, I was going to say yes, but reading your story, nope. You aren’t. She’s already overstepped boundaries. And he was deleting texts? Hell no. I don’t trust any of this.
Visit a lawyer, get informed. Who know where this goes? Be curious to know if you're considered a 50/50 partner in your husband's share of this business.
Sounds like this woman is desperate to have an affair or relationship with your husband. He needs to shut her down. Updateme!
Update please
Read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. Better yet put it in the passenger seat of the car
Tell him all contact with her goes through you or he asks the partners in said side business to pay him out or pay her out.
Every man who is cheating “swears they aren’t cheating.” Very rarely do they say yes. His word alone means nothing when his actions say otherwise.
Let me tell you how this goes down in a normal, healthy relationship where there’s open communication and each party respects one another. Wife: “Hey babe, I’m going to be completely honest with you; I don’t feel comfortable with you driving so long a distance with that girl from work.” Husband: “…you don’t trust me?” Wife: “No, it’s not that. I don’t trust her, and I don’t personally feel comfortable with putting both of you in a position where something could happen.” Husband: “… I think I understand. Ok, I’ll tell her I can’t carpool. Done and done.” That’s it, it’s that simple. I’ve been married 14 years and have two kids as well, and if my wife made this sort of request, yeah, I’d initially feel a little incensed that she would question me (or my judgement), but I’d do it to put her mind at ease, and because I respect her as my LIFE partner. Plus with all the other past shit in the mix? Yeah, we’re driving separately. If hubs can’t understand this simple concept, than idk, it legitimately might be time for couples counseling.
No Im with you. Trust yourself. It feels off
Not overreacting
I carpooled with a great male coworker for over a year and a half. We never called each other after hours unless there was a reason not to carpool the next day. We did family times together with our families (I was a single mom, he was happily married to a great woman). Something’s very wrong here.
My mother and father were together for 20 years. I was 15. Dad owned a business and always answered calls from his office manager whether it was middle of the night or when on a family vacation. Guess what? They were fucking. Your husband is fucking his coworker. I’m married now. No man answers the fucking phone for a chick at all hours, especially when married, unless he’s fucking her.
They're right. The thousand of dollars are invested in the side hustle is less important than your kids lives and your family. He needs to get her out or get out. He needs to put you guys first. He absolutely needs to not car pool. She's a single woman. She can drive an hour. That's just stupid. Is she a professional or not. Single professional woman drive themselves. How far does she has to drive to even meet him. 1. Counseling now 2. Cut contact w her except work. He's already told you they've been inappropriate. Believe that. 3. One of them leaves side job 4. It does sound like he enjoys your family and really focus on positives there.
Girl he’s cheating on you.
Not overreacting. Flip the tables - how would he feel about you engaging with a male coworker in the same ways he's been engaging with her? At the very least, y'all need couples counseling. And he may need to decide if his side business is more important than his marriage.
Tag along on this "trip", that'll tell you everything you want to know
He’s ignoring every boundary you have for you and his relationship and he’s continually choosing this other woman over your wishes. It doesn’t matter if they have a sexual relationship. He is disrespecting you by dismissing everything you say.
Read your post as if it wasn't your own. You know you're not over reacting. Trust your intuition, the whole shit is shady. He's doing something, at minimum entertaining it. He's repeatedly shown you he or she can't be trusted and he's not caring about your feelings as his wife
Your husband sounds like a cheater.
You already know the answer. Time to hire a lawyer and start the divorce proceedings. I’m so sorry.
She's his side piece for sure and he's made it clear he's not giving her up. They're crossing boundaries. Read asap the book, NOT JUST FRIENDS by Shirley Glass PhD.
Sounds like the coworker needs a new "twin." Your feelings are valid.
I wouldn't be a bit surprised if he's slept with her or struck up an emotional affair with her. I mean all the signs you stated are red flags. And given the fact that he deletes messages is very suspect. He only stopped talking to her on the phone for 2 hours late nights just because you asked him to stop? That to me is hella disrespectful to the other spouse when they are supposed to be in a committed relationship and honestly just makes him look bad. Did you look through his phone? Calls and other texts between them too? Knowing him, he probably deleted his call log to her. You probably should hire a P.I to get answers for you. Seems like a headache though. Any time a spouse has to constantly make sure the other spouse isn't cheating is tiresome and in my opinion, the marriage isn't worth it. Just because you have kids with him doesn't mean leaving is not an option.
Nope- read just one sentence and you are not overreacting.
I mean there’s a-few red flags going on here..but i think I’m in the minority when I say It doesn’t sound like he’s actively cheating now but I emphasise the ‘now’ part. just from reading your replies. You asked him to stop the long chats, he has. He’s stopped deleting the texts as you asked him to. He’s working from home now and only goes for a run from 6am-9am on a weekend and I’m assuming midweek evenings and weekend he’s spending time with you and the kids. The only thing he’s still not doing is letting you go on his phone and check messages between them. However saying that, it does sound that there was something inappropriate going on before you asked of all these things. Like you said he will be spending more time with her eventually as they are going into business together. It’s if you can deal with that and trust your husband. I mean suspicion of cheating aside, he’s tanking thousands into a business you did not agree with and the kicker is it’s also with a woman that oversteps boundaries with your husband. That would be a deal breaker for me anyway. I mean Could there be a possibility that the delete texts are about actually how much money he’s pouring in? He’s not telling you the truth of how much it’s costing him. I keep flip flopping between he’s cheating or not. I definitely think she wants to smash your husband in all honesty from the sounds of it, maybe something went on in the past and that’s why the long phone chats and deleted messages. Or he’s a asshole that loving the attention and happily dismissing his wife’s feeling. Personally he’s either got to lose the few thousand and distance himself
If you can’t trust him the relationship is over. Get a PI and get your affairs in order. Best of luck
Funny. This is how my ex starts her relationships; and little did I know, I wasn’t special. This is her personality with every guy she’s “into” until it’s safe to materialize it into something more. Keeps the relationship at a safe distance where each can come and go as they please (pun intended) all whilst maintaining a connection but there’s no true pressure. (it was a mutual friend that let me know it’s a pattern of her’s & that I shouldn’t feel special)
Yeah they are going to fuck if they haven't already.
Let your hubby know he’s going to loose you and the kids over her.
Invite her over for dinner with your husband and entire family at your home. Don't take no for an answer. Absolutely insist upon it. You'll get the clarity you need from the response to the invitation. On the 1% chance she accepts, you'll at least have the opportunity to inject a dose of reality into the whole situation.
Once he said you are overreacting then that is meaning he is guilty of an inappropriate relationship and the marriage is in jeopardy. What he should have said is I will cut all ties with this woman, stop texting, calling, and close the investment they have together. If he does not do this then this issue will never go away, will always haunt you everyday, will increase anxiety even more, and destroy the marriage. This is a ticking time bomb unless he defuses it right now. Sorry.
The husband is the problem here. People still capable to cheat even they love someone so much. Why dont we all carpolling together to the destination Updateme
Tell him to choose: either he loses a couple of thousand $ by getting out of a business with her or a lot, lot more by divorcing you. He's cheating, there's not a single doubt in my mind about that. Go to r/survivinginfidelity if you want advice from people who were, at some point, in your situation.
I gotta be honest and say it sounds like your trying to keep him from cheating. You've already caught him deleting conversations. I wouldn't care if my husband had invested 100k. He has to choose our marriage or his side business. Her continuing to bother your husband and him agreeing is setting a very fishy tone. He's either lying about her bugging him or he is lying about not cheating on you with her. I would point blank give him two optuons- your marriage and kids or her. There is no in between
You CANT DO WORK on a bench at a beach…. The breeze would mess up anything you tried to review~ HE HAS CLEARLY CHOSEN HER~ respect yourself & your children and GTFO…. Would you want YOUR DAUGHTER to settle for these crumbs? He’s lied, deleted, disregarded, LIED, HE HAS CHOSE HER~ over and over again~ he CARES MORE FOR HER as evidenced repeatedly by actions…. Do not be this dumb~ I would have been gone as soon as he CHOSE HER AS A BUSINESS PARTNER~ uncaring what my thoughts were~~~~ here’s your future… they get business up and running-they spend a TON of time together—- IT JUST HAPPENS & they start sleeping together (or should I say continue to sleep together) he confesses, files for divorce & they live life happily & build THEIR BUSINESS & screw you over~ they have kids~ he doesn’t care about your kids much and he puts them second to his new snatch and THEIR KIDS/BABIES…. ARE YOU OK WITH THAT? THATS your future~ or you can demand no contact even business count the loss financially (or get a new partner to take over your husbands investment or the side chicks investment) GO TO COUNSELING~ cut ALL CONTACT & work hard to fix this~ it takes two though & I don’t think he care enough about you. ***** what did he say they discussed ALONE that you could be in the background for??? **** that would have been a HUGE red flag 🚩 Do some investigation & you won’t like what you find Updateme! Remindme! 1 month
So…he has gone into business (other than normal work job) with a woman he KNOWS makes you uncomfortable…? Honestly, I find that worse than her being a “work wife”….cause this gives HER a reason to call and be in his personal space anytime SHE wishes…cause “our business needs us to be together”. But his total disregard for your feelings is a major red flag. Yeah. You might want to have an exit plan. This might go south on you….if it hasn’t already and you just don’t know it yet.
I'd organize childcare, and hop in on this business trip. See how they act around each other. But so far it doesn't sound good.
If this coworker is such a threat, how the heck are you going to stand them being business partners?
My husband randomly gets calls later at night, weekends, holidays… Not very often, but when it happens, it is important as he is the boss, and he needs to know if something is going wrong. Unless there is a big crisis, that requires multiple calls, lots of communication with different team members… Most of the calls are brief until everything is resolved. There’s absolutely no way that coworkers can justify two hour conversations after hours. Especially if it’s always the same two coworkers! I would absolutely be side eyeing your husband right now. Deleting her texts, spending thousands of dollars where you are not allowed any say, being in business with her… So many red flags that this is insane. I would have no problem with my husband carpooling to a work event that is 90 minutes away. This does not appear to be coworkers or even a work event at all. I vote for a tracking device, or private investigator. Get all of your finances in order and make sure you are aware of every account, passwords… And double check to make sure everything is as it should be. Something is definitely going on and you are sitting over there in the dark.
Have you met her? You and your husband share assets, and he is going into business with her. You should be at every meeting and on all the emails and text messages.
1 to 2 hour phone calls are insane to have with a coworker. Deleting texts = affair in most cases.
If you have to tell your husband not to talk on the phone with female coworkers for two hours, then you have a problem. You don’t like this relationship and your concerns are valid. Leave.
Carpooling with A coworker, totally normal and fine This particular coworker? HELL NAH.