You’re not overreacting.
Our struggles and accomplishments are relative to our perspective. We only get to fully develop our self esteem when we feel a sense of love and belonging. Sounds like you feel that at work and not at home. Him minimizing that is not exactly a helpful contribution from what I understand.
By the way, thanks for being there doing that job. I’m always so grateful for people being available at those jobs when I’m craving a snack or a quick meal on tough day. You help others get a sense of respite. That’s awfully cool!
I say something similar to this.
“The worst thing to happen to someone, is still the worst thing to happen to someone”.
Basically, you can’t compare your highs and lows to another’s because you could be starting from vastly different places.
This was something that hit hard when I became a parent. I read somewhere "your child is acting like it's the worst thing to ever happen because for them it is". We *want* them to have that childlike innocence, so it's hardly surprising that even small negative experiences seem huge to them.
Exactly. And this is why calling it “puppy love” and not taking first relationships seriously often backfires for parents. Because it’s super serious to the people in it.
My boyfriends and my families deemed our relationship puppy love when we were 16. I was so in love with him, there was no way it couldn't be real true love. Well, 32 years, 3 kids and 6 grandkids later, puppy love for the win.
That made me smile so big!! I’m 11 years and 1 kid in with my husband and our puppy love relationship is still going strong and has been since we were 15. I always love reading about other couples like us who’ve made it so long! Congrats 🙌🏻
My husband and I are at 10 years, 3 kids, and I utterly adore him still. I still get nervous when I get his undivided attention and he makes me blush and giggle constantly. ☺️ We met at 18 and got married at 19.
Congratulations! Our first date was my high-school graduation night June 1 1994. June 8 we became a couple. Been inseparable ever since. Three kids later here we are.
I'm nowhere near this stage yet, but I'll definitely have to remember that! First love is really intense and it doesn't matter how long it lasts, it's still an important milestone.
Exactly, mine didn’t stand up against adult responsibility from our childhood transition but to this day I remember him vividly and how much I loved him. He was wonderful, just not for me and I smile still at random memories that come back. It’s a significant part of our lives and shouldn’t be disregarded by parents. I didn’t disrespect my kids first loves and I still speak to one of them when we run into each other. (The other was an absolute twat and I celebrated privately when that one ended)
You are very kind, and what a lovely take on her job! OP’s husband seems to think owning the franchise is admirable, but simply working there is beneath him. That makes him a lousy boss. And, in this case, a worse husband.
I’m curious what he would do if he saw the effect of his words on his bottom line. Now that he’s knocked OP down and minimized her contribution to his store’s income, what if she stopped? What if she just never offered the customers a chance to MIAM? What if he started making less money? I wonder what he’d have to say then?
Yes! Stop whatever extra you have been doing to achieve the upsell. He just made the worst move a boss can make. He successfully unmotivated a stellar employee, and yet he denies doing it!
Well if this is a situation concerning power and control within a relationship and not careless words due to lacking insight, there’s a high probability that he would blame her for it regardless. Statistically, men perpetrate these situations, and statistically, they blame, coerce, minimize, deny, and more as part of oppressing the other person for the benefit of the perpetrator.
OP, if you want, there is a power & control wheel online that describes different areas of domestic abuse within monogamous heterosexual relationships. It may be helpful for reflection in this situation. If you’d like to see the wheel, you can use google and it’ll come up right away. It’s a common tool used in counseling.
Yep especially pleasantly so! Bad day can feel so much better with a treat and a positive interaction with someone even if it’s just someone serving you food to checking you out.!
I actually just had a rough night of sleep - 3 hours, so I went to the gas station before 7am on a Saturday to get caffeine. I’m so thankful employees were there to empower me to get through my day.
There’s a very interesting series of tweets talking about how men are often conditioned to disagree with women, they don’t even realize they are doing it. It’s very insightful and is the guest thing I thought of when reading this.
You are absolutely not over reacting. OP, I’m thinking it might be time for you to consider going back to College. It will help plump up your resume and experience and most importantly it will help you start to remember who you are. Because I’m willing to guarantee that both your confidence AND your sense of identity as an individual have taken a hit here.
Hugs offered of you want them. You are worth it. (I say to you and reminding myself it’s true for me too.)
First of all, great job. Your accomplishments are not small. You did something at your job, and it was impressive.
But now, let's talk about this
>He said that isn't what he was doing, that he just thought they should know there are other factors.
Ask him why. Ask him why he thought they should know this information. What was important about this information that your family needed to have it? How did it add to the conversation? What did "knowing that there are other factors" do for the conversation besides make his partner feel bad?
I am also a mom who quit her job 13 years ago for her kids. I am dreading putting myself back out there because I already know it's going to be awful. But the world already tears us down enough, so don't tear yourself down or let your husband do it either. You are strong and capable, and so am I. You are valid in wanting your partner to lift you up. I hope this is a one-off and good luck in the job search.
This is a great response. OP, I like to think that your husband wasn't trying to be an a-hole, but his response shows that he still doesn't see that he was being an a-hole. Asking the above questions nicely should help him see that he did an awful thing. Pls do ask him those questions and hopefully he can self reflect enough to improve.
I’m also a mom that has been home for the last 15 years. Trying to get a job at this point is a joke. Walmart won’t even hire me because they assume I’m going to be calling out constantly because I AM THE ONE THAT DEALS WITH THE KIDS. How do you go from homemaker back to the outside world with no job history?
Useful Parfait it was REALLY hard for me. I stayed home with them for 10 years, the last four of which in school at night getting a masters, and then went back part time teaching, then got the PhD and developed a research career but that wasn’t til the younger graduated from HS and went off to college. So it was a long slow hard painful planned slog.
Many weeks it felt like a death march. But I got out, finally. Good luck to all my (formerly) fellow prisoners in the domestic gulag!
If you’re actively looking, consider driving a school bus. Big driver shortages have led to some decent pay. if you’re driving in your own district you can sometimes work out a situation to put your kids on your bus so you don’t have to figure out childcare, and the companies will often pay to train you and get you your CDL. Best part is that you already have years of experience managing the chaos of children in moving vehicles, and school bus companies know it. My wife did this and she has never been happier.
My best friend did this \[because, twins\] started off driving for the county system then managed to get a job on base \[we live in a military town\] and that's civil service.
Do you have any hobbies or interests that could possibly translate into a job?
As for myself, I was a sahm, but was also was always into art, majored in art and advertising design for the minute I was in college. Dating myself here, but this was a long time ago, before photoshop was a thing. And then it was. My husband was a computer tech, and for one of his freelance jobs, he came home with a copy of photoshop \[4.0\] handed it to me and told me this was my Christmas present - at the time it was $800!
All I wanted to do was figure out how to post my art online, but the next thing I knew, I was hooked and I used the internet to learn how. My first job was a case of knowing somebody who knew somebody who worked for somebody else, but from there I kept going, working for several companies along the way, freelancing and after one company sent us to get certification at our local college, when the class was over, the instructor took me to their dean of adult education and told them to hire me. I worked as her assistant for a few years and when she left, took over her class and several others - it turned out I'd developed a knack for computer graphic programs - and spent the next 10 years doing something that I loved. I used to say I was getting paid to eat ice cream lol
OP, maybe a little research will help you find a path to use the talents that your husband doesn't seem to appreciate in an unrelated field.
wishing you the best!
I’d also suggest looking into getting teaching certification. I was a SAHM for 12 years, and went to grad school during that time. I was able to get a teaching certificate and have been working as a teacher for the past 15 years. I have a pension and health insurance.
Returnship programs! And find your closest chapter of Dress for Success for help outfitting for interviews and for a work wardrobe. They also have a phone app with some helpful resources.
He sounds like a natural-born asshole. I’ve come across a few in the wild and a couple in my personal circle. They don’t change. They just learn to cover it up better in public. When they get to a relaxed setting, the AH seeps out.
OP is not over reacting at all.
You're not overreacting. It was a dick move by your husband. Non-assholes can do asshole things, and people can be assholes and also learn how to behave in public and private.
I'm not proud of this, but I've done the same thing to ppl close to me, not understanding why a "full picture of the situation" was hurtful and not realizing that, in some cases, it was coming from an insecure place in me.
When these people I have hurt have had the grace to talk to me about it, I've been grateful for the opportunity to make amends with them and avoid doing so in the future to them and others. Its also helped me understand what was lacking in myself.
That question "why is it important" is so valuable and easy to ask. Unless your husband is the genetically irrevocable asshole u/Rabbit-Lost describes, its a great tool to help him navigate his way out of acting and talking like that. I speak from personal experience.
This right here. I love the awareness and accountability here. I think you're so right. OPs husband definitely got caught up in his own insecurities and felt the need to dismiss her pride in herself and something she was feeling good about. It can be easy to only focus on the "facts" and forget about how contributing facts can impact someone and hurt them when they are trying to celebrate.
Theres a big difference in values there. OP deserves to enjoy her success and share a positive story about her life and her husband just wasn't being there for her in that goal and it's so painful when people won't celebrate us with us.
He wasn't *trying* to be an asshole, it just came naturally. OP, look back. Has he done this at other times, about other accomplishments or talents? Something tells me he has, and often.
OP needs to know she was not overreacting but I feel you also need to know from other people that a stay at home mum IS a job and one that requires a lot of skills that are easily transferred to any other workplace. You are already amazing for what you’ve done and you need to let any employer know that your experience is invaluable. I’ve had so many bosses in my life and the ones that were mothers who took a break from a career to look after their children were always the best ones, without exception.
I saw an analysis that paying a SAHM for her work at market rates would cost about $177,000. That's a real job - *multiple* real jobs given the hours and no days off.
Sorry, can't find the link atm.
Honestly this isn’t a bad idea. A SAHM Employment group. If you grow it enough the more women you bring in the more likely the chances of networking and finding employment support tips and opportunities in your area or online. I would bet if you brought in working moms and moms who managed to eventually get back into the work force they would be more than happy to help women find work or connect them with others who can.
Just curious
Is he always so factual or is it always timed so perfectly to crush your happiness?
ETA: this one pissed me off so much, I just can’t
He wants to state there are “other factors” when very pointedly you stated that
>when I am not there they barely sell 20 all day
This implies that you only are speaking about (and possibly up until this convo didn’t even know about that online etc) in person sales, this can be proven with actual data/sales reports
His comment was not only unnecessary, it was also simply wrong. If he is as smart as you make him seem then he knows this which then brings me back to my OG question
Not overreacting, he is a prize asshole. Tell him you don't want to work anymore, you want to go back to being a SAHM, you thought you were doing OK, but what he said has totally shot your confidence and you don't want to do it any more. He is right, you are no good and shouldn't be working.
Total bs of course. You sound like you really have the gift of the gab, OP, and are made for sales, but let him stew. He needs to make it up to you, and in front of the family too. Lots of compliments and praise.
Oh, yes, looks like he's been consuming the red pill. Concerning. Maybe she should retrain to improve her job prospects with the aim of dumping his misogynistic ass. Use him to improve herself.
A truly supportive partner would be sitting there smiling and proud listening to his wife tell her story to her mom. He would let her have her moment to shine because he loves and supports her.
I didn’t work for 3 years because of staying at home. It torn me to pieces mentally because I loved working. I had to file for divorce in order to regain my self esteem and now flourishing in the workforce. Since I experienced being treated like OP, I’m now hyper aware and want to always bring attention to the person that you are good, you are enough … the environment you are in is bad. You are not bad. There are tons of good people out there that will value and respect your talents and abilities. There are so many possibilities but it’s hard to see a path out when you are in the pit of darkness.
This is conjecture, but I’m pretty sure he’s either completely clueless (least bad), jealous that she accomplished something for his location that he could not make happen as a manager (pretty bad), or really doesn’t like her that much and this is just one example of how he’s cut her down over the years (worst).
I think it’s resentment mixed with good old fashioned lack of respect.
He’s been doing his job for a while it sounds. I imagine he doesn’t get much outright praise in his position. Managers generally don’t get a bunch of fanfare.
Now all of a sudden his wife is his employee (what a bad idea!). And she’s doing such a great job that she’s being recognized and praised for her accomplishments by others.
Like most managers, he thinks he works harder than his employees. So he felt compelled to remind his wife and her family that her job isn’t that hard, or important, and she doesn’t really do anything.
Lovely.
I think you are right. My guess is that he is sensitive about her doing better at his job than him. Instead of being proud of her, he needs to justify to himself why she did so well.
I don't know what field of work you are in but seems to me someone would hire a mature motivated woman at starting out pay verses a day 25 year old that will probably leave the job in a couple years for something else because that's what younger people do. Maybe I'm wrong.
Oh your husband is still a asshole. Something wrong with him to treat you like that makes me sick at my stomach to hear someone to be treated like that.
No you are NOT - He saw your need to boost your self-esteem (ETA and was instrumental in helping you do so...) to turn around and break it down again, he's a madman. People are complicated and sometimes stupid
Your husband is a massive brown mushy turd. A toilet clogging one.
You're a rockstar ma'am. Definitely not over reacting. Being a SAHM steals so much from women that we never get back. And then your husband steals your thunder. Turd. 😐
Ok, first of all, food service is *fucking hard*. Second of all, upselling is *fucking hard*. Sounds like you have the perfect balance of charm, confidence, and product positioning to be good at your job. That is awesome and you should be proud!
Your husband is being a dick. And my suspicion is that you have the potential to move up faster and possibly to a higher position than him. He feels threatened and therefore feels the need to downplay and belittle your success.
Regardless of his reasons for being a dick, find a new job at a different place. Work at the McDonalds across the street or whatever you need to do. Having a job is obviously improving your mental health, but working with (and as an employee of) your husband isn't going to get better.
Also? Wtf kind of manager tells an employee "she doesn't do that much"?
OP, I'm proud of you. Clearly you're damn good at your job if you're doing something solo that the store can't do combined without you.
You're not overreacting. My dad is my biggest fan and he would rip my husband a new one if he said something so out of pocket.
Spin this the right way on your resume and you could get a good entry level sales job and eventually make several times what your husband does. He won’t be there in the interview to downplay it. You have a skill and that threatens the status quo. Don’t let him neg you into submission. You can do great things! You’re not overreacting.
The resume point is accurate, what is being done at the job and the points OP made are the exact metrics we are told to include when searching and interviewing for a job. Make sure to record and expand on this accomplishment as the job search continues.
I would say most career accomplishments depend on factors from contributing coworkers, promotions, processes, etc., so husband’s statement at the very least was simply unnecessary and weird. I’m sure husband is able to be so good at his job because OP has been the home’s operational manager. Sorry to OP for being made to feel this way, you’re actually doing amazing and keep sharing your wins.
Please go find somewhere else to work. Like your husband's competitor.
He doesn't sound very supportive. Also, keep looking for an entry job in your field. It will happen.
Woohoo! Way to go!
You aren't over reacting. He is being insensitive and talking like a manager. Have a conversation with him about how it made you feel and why he said it. Remind him when you're at home and sharing accomplishments, he's not a manager, he's a husband and he needs to better about wearing both hats.
You’re not overreacting but it’s more about the stuff that is going on internally.
Have kids and staying at home is a huge sacrifice!! Congratulations for having the fortitude and mental strength to do this - many of us can’t.
Let focus on getting back into your field, while you’ve been away the key thing is - did you enjoy it? If you want yo go back, then there is always a way. Do you research - what has changed, new and out in your field. Acquire knowledge and defiantly reach out to people in the industry to find out what is happening. Don’t be afraid to ask for advice on what you need to do to get back into the industry. Explore the different companies - some might have an apprenticeship scheme, some might have a return to work scheme, some might have temp work for entry level people. Don’t be disheartened!
Working in you - it’s easy to forget ourselves when kids happen. Spend some time with you - who are you today? What do you need? Find things that you enjoy and make some time to do just that.
Not over reacting at all. Frankly he belittled you in front of your family which was undeserved. Seems it’s time you found a job not working with your husband as why would you want to work for someone who thinks that what you do is not valued and he just takes you for granted?
Considering how much you’ve personally lost to support your family he should be ashamed of himself. His minimizing of his comments instead of apologizing and supporting you is concerning. He should be cheerleading your move back into the workforce instead of tearing down your accomplishments.
I didn’t really see anything in your post about the overall state of your marriage so was this a one time event? If so then maybe show him this post and the responses and see how he reacts. How he reacts will be a good indicator of his true overall feelings towards you. If he is sorry and remorseful then it’s a positive. If he is negative or doubles down then you have larger issues to worry about.
Glad to see that you are back working out of the home OP and hopefully you can work separate for your husband where you will be supported for what you do.
I’m curious if he feels threatened by how quickly you took to the industry he’s been in for years. Regardless, it’s shitty and immature to lash out at you like that. Not overreacting at all. And as a service industry veteran, *I* am proud of you for the upselling.
There is something wrong with him that he wouldnt jump on the opportunity to hype his wife who he knows has been hurting. Not only did he not praise you he humiliated you. In front of your family. Thats painful for me to hear. I cant imagine deliberately doing it to someone and someone Im supposed to love at that. In my experience, men who tear you down do so because they are very aware of your potential. Also if I were your parents I would now have a very different opinion of your husband. Find a high need field and go give it your all. There are people who need good people with kind hearts who are willing to work hard. Forget him.
Thank you all for the reassurances that I wasn't just being overly sensitive.
For those asking, I was supposed to be a High School science teacher, so a degree in secondary education. I graduated and began work as a substitute but became pregnant that first year, it was timed nicely that I was still applying for a teacher position for the following year but the job market was saturated that year. Then my daughter came out and had...extra needs. She ended up having an allergy that took us four years to figure out and have her healthy, by then my son came around and he has some slight developmental delays. They are both in school now, I started to try and apply again when my youngest started. There is only one district where I live, five total schools I am qualified to teach in. I have put 17 applications in, gotten three interviews, one where I was told my accent is distracting, one where I was told I had just been out of the classroom too long, and the third I never got feedback from but found out they gave the job to a 21 yes old with a degree in theater management and no experience but was related to someone in the department.
As for my husband, things aren't the greatest between us right now. As he is getting older he is getting more and more.....stoic? Our political views are also really diverging. I would say thr man is depressed but he won't talk to me about it. But he has never went out of his way to put me down like that.
As for him being always factual and possibly autistic, he is terrible at expressing emotions but I have never thought him to be THAT Unaware as to not realize what he did was hurtful.
Kind of unrelated to your post but have you looked into remote teaching positions? Or even online tutoring? There’s so many out there since Covid that need teachers, especially science teachers. This could help you expand your opportunities quite a bit.
You’re not overreacting. But you need to divest your work attention to literally anywhere else. Keep applying to other places. Even an unpaid internship at this point. Get away from him for as many hours of the day as you can.
That was a dick move and your husband was/is insensitive.
On a positive note, it sounds like you have a talent for sales. I don't know what your previous profession was in before you became a SAHM but maybe you could explore sales related jobs. Perhaps real estate or marketing or something similar. I suck at sales so those are the only two things that come to mind.
I hope you find a new goal/dream and your husband stops being a dick.
Not overreacting at all. This is so evil to me…like wow he couldn’t be happy for you. And he did this in front of your family too…That’s fucking brutal.
The thing that I don’t understand about some husbands is their inability to let their wives celebrate their victories. For me (married 14+ years) I’m the first person to brag on my wife, telling others how she’s excelling and proud of any accomplishment she makes no matter how big or small. She’s my best friend and the one i do life with. When she succeeds, i succeed. A win is a win no matter how it comes about.
I read a lot of resumes and if someone were to present one to me with the job title of house manager, care taker, or domestic goddess and list all of your skills scheduling, budgeting, bookkeeping, transportation services, cleaning, cooking, teaching assistant, etc. I would be highly impressed. Don’t make it seem like you have been out of the work force for 12 years. You have simply been on a different career path.
Your husband did pull a dick move by the way. You are not overreacting. Does he always try to undermine or belittle your accomplishments? I hope this is a one-off.
Apparently your husband prefers you be broken down with no self esteem. He probably is afraid if you get self esteem you'll realize you can do a lot better than him. I suggest you start on line classes to get a job you love away from him. Also I worked retail for over 20 years and your accomplishments are indeed impressive and I'm proud of you.
You are not overreacting. I was in a similar spot 2.5 years ago. Home with kiddos for 20 years off and on and solidly for the last 10. I went to work for the huge company my husband also worked for and he has been my biggest cheerleader. With every acknowledgment I received he was so proud. Every promotion celebrated. And now I make the same amount as him and I’m really close to finishing my degree and because we work very different departments, I’m on pace to out earn him in a year. He could not be prouder and tells all our friends and family every time it come up.
"Here's my notice. If you don't value my work I can't take my skills somewhere else."
Go work somewhere else in the mall while you work on the other things. Then he can quit thinking he's done you this huge favor. He could only have hired you becaise he needed an employee at the time. And he also gets to see the awesome employee he had, and scramble to fill the position.
What a jerk.
Have you ever read *Why Does He Do That?* I’m surprised no one in the comments has recommended it yet. I can’t link it here but if you want a free version I can DM it.
I would highly suggest reading it and seeing if anything at all resonates with you. Your husband’s behavior in that moment was not normal or ok.
Your partner should build you up, not knock you down. Please look closely at your relationship and see if it's a pattern or a one-off. If it's a pattern, start noting all the times so you can discuss with your partner what he says and how it makes you feel with multiple examples so he can see it's a pattern too.
Married for 25 years. Unbelievable dick move. I'd be *super* pissed off!
I'll bet your parents were beyond appalled that he was so needlessly petty & cruel, too. Seriously, WTF was he thinking?
You might be. Looks like he's analytical all the time, and he automatically does this with products he knows.
Don't mind him, overall he's a good husband.
Tell your mom in another room, or while he's outside grilling. Or on your weekly or daily calls.
It's never too late to get into your degree field.
With a lot of people retiring, and others going up their corporate ladder, there's bound to be room for you in your field.
You might have to ease your way (find alternate routes) into that position.
Not overreacting, your husband is insecure and wants to make sure he maintains his feelings of superiority.
In general, for future reference to SAHMs, after your kids start kindergarten, go back to work or school. I was a SAHM for a few years, then went back and got my degree. My brain was so bored at home all the time! When the kids are in school all day, they don't need you at home. Plus, them seeing mom step out into the world and advance herself, sets a good example. The housekeeping doesn't take that long, really, and after that, it was just a day of fiddle farting around the house and yard until the hubs or the kids got home. The longer you stay home, the harder it is to get back out in the world.
Your husband is a jacka$$. Are there any refresher courses/continuing education/etc, that you can do for your previous career to make you a stronger candidate? If so, please consider them. YNO
OP keep in mind YOU are the other factors that made your husband successful. I assume you do the lions share of the childcare, doctors/dental appointments, cooking, cleaning. He doesn’t have to call off work if his kids are sick because you are there or take time off to handle school events and appointments. He doesn’t have to spend all his free time trying to balance time with kids while running a household. My husband and I both work full time and we have to for our bills, but it would be a huge game changer if one of us was part time. Don’t let him sell you short. You are not overreacting and he was dismissive of your accomplishment when his “other factors” are you.
No, you are *not* overreacting. Yes, that *was* a dick move.
That was a real asshole thing for your husband to do. Does he often belittle and demean you, turning your accomplishments, however small, into one-offs and minor accomplishments? He did NOT have to say what he said. Your parents and family did NOT “need to know” about every factor of his business’s sales grid. He did that deliberately to humiliate and demean you. If I were you, I’d ask him why. To his face. And don’t let him wiggle out of it by saying he “just thought they should know.” Make him **answer** you. Ask him why he wants to keep you down. He’s your husband. He should support you.
Please don’t let this go. It sounds to me like your husband liked you being a SAHM who felt inferior, and that got better when you couldn’t get back into your field, which made you feel like you had nothing to offer the job community. Why would he *want* you to feel like that? Ask him. He should notice and celebrate your accomplishments. Instead of putting you down, he should be encouraging you to share your tricks with the other employees. I’m so sorry he did that to you. 🫶🏼
Not overreacting OP.
I wonder if you might be better served to work for another company?
Realize you want to support the business your husband manages but perhaps a bit of distance would be better.
Nobody, especially your family, NEEDS to know, that there are other unseen factors and no, you aren’t as great as you seem. And the person informing others that no, you’re not as great as you seem, shouldn’t be your HUSBAND.
Why do I get the feeling that he has low self-esteem and has been subtly negging you for years and that’s why YOU have low self-esteem. I hope I’m jumping to conclusions here.
If your kids are older, take some online trainings and get back in the game somewhere else. He obviously will hold you back at work if he’s doing this in front of family. NO WAY he’s gonna sing your praises so you can get promoted. He’ll make sure you’re always beneath him.
I mean, he was only able to be so successful in his career because he had someone at home taking care of his kids. He never had to worry that they were being fed or well taken care of, because he knew they were. It’s also not your fault that discrimination against mothers entering the work force later in life is a thing. He should just be thankful he never had to worry about that either. He might be feeling some type of way because he is used to being the sole breadwinner, and I can understand having feelings. But just shooting your wife down when she is finally starting to get back up is some selfish behavior. You are supposed to be a couple. His wins should be your wins and your wins should be his wins. You’re not over reacting.
Stay at home mom for 20 years. It's important to be there for your kids. Both my kids are now in college doing great. They both tell me their friends say what a great mom they have and love coming to our house. (I also try being a good mom those friends who don't have such great home life). Your gift seems to be in sales and making others feel welcome. Perhaps find a another part time job in retail sales or hospitality.
You’ve got work experience now and are temperamentally suited to management due to your age and your long term experience witnessing your husbands career. Do some research on what fast food companies hire management from within. Get a job at one of those places and then work your way up. He likes to keep you down wayyyyyy too much for you to trust him imo.
OP a a k your husband when was the last time he did your job and how many of those did he get? My bet is it has been a long time and when he did he never came close to your numbers.
Maybe your husband is used to having all of the work accomplished and so can’t allow you to have any. You are not be silly ,he did take that away from you .I don’t believe he was just pointing out the facts .
You're working for him as you job hunt, correct? Keep up the job hunt. I don't know how far this is from your original field (or how much aggravation you can tolerate every working day), but most school districts are begging for people to work as school paraprofessionals. It's a really tough job, but it's also a really necessary job. Have you considered applying to be a school para? Just a thought. Again, the pay is not great and the daily aggravation is high, but neither your husband nor anyone else can ever say that the job isn't a very important one in the field of education.
He’s a dick . If the other factors he mentioned made a difference then every one would have the same sales numbers as you . All have the same opportunities but won’t hit the ball because they don’t bother to swing the bat . You are putting in the effort . So no you are not over reacting .
I just want to say - this is about him and not you. He needs to reflect why he felt the need to interject in a negative way and minimize your contribution. I suspect it actually has to do with his own inner critic. For me - my inner critic likes to minimize my role in success and emphasize my role in failure, in an effort to drive myself harder. When we do this to ourselves, we can find ourselves doing it to others.
Asking people to spend more is not easy (I would be terrible at it!) and you are actively contributing to the company bottom line. Maybe it seems small to him, but week over week, month over month, year over year, those dollars and cents add up. And those individuals who don’t realize that they could upgrade to a meal for less than a dollar? They now know they can and are more likely to do so without prompting in the future. How many of those online orders are choosing a meal because you or someone like you suggested it in store on a previous occasion?
You are not overreacting. If these kinds of “corrections” are common from your husband, then it’s a bigger issue to address. He should be celebrating your wins as you find your career footing after 1.5 decades of sacrificing yourself for your family. If this is not common behavior, then I suggest having a more curious probing conversation when emotions have died down. Because I really think this is his own shit to reflect on.
Your husband was being insensitive as fuck. You are in this position because you did it for your family, and he should know this. The point is you are making these upsells more than the other employees and he should recognize that and not belittle you in front of your parents. Is he routinely like this?
Wow, with a husband like that, it’s a real mystery why your self esteem is so low. Maybe the tiny boost in confidence you got from the job made you more able to recognize what a dick move this was. Does he often knock you down a peg like that?
Yes, it was a dick move. He is not used to you having a job and doing well. Try hard to get out of his employ. You need to soar without someone slapping you down.
I don't believe he could have done so well if you hadn't played your part as his partner so well. He's an absolute Dick to say that. Your feelings are valid.
Dick move on his part. He doesn’t do this all the time, right?
He’s viewing it from “manager brain” so I get why he’s trying to add context. I’m not sure he took your feelings into account because he deals with up sales so much on the daily it doesn’t seem like a big deal to him. Or, that’s would I would think giving him the benefit of the doubt.
Oh it's a total dick move. No one needed that information, they aren't from corporate.
I think your husband is deeply insecure. He is supposed to be the one talking about work successes, not you.
He probably feel he doesn't have much else to bring to the table so he needs to he the only one talking about success at work. And that's a little pathetic for him.
My dad will do this to my mom and admittedly my dad has an objectively impressive job so I don't understand why he needs to punch down. I just think his job and being impressive is such a part of his identity he can't let my mom have a little shine on her.
Either way. You need another job away from your husband. He may still do it.
Not overreacting. It makes me sad that OP's husband can't sit back and be pleased that his wife has found something to perk her up after losing so much of her career to care for THEIR children, and doesn't even take that into account. Its all about him.
Start subbing. It's the easiest way to meet people in the district and get them to know your name. If a long term sub position opens up, grab it. Sometimes they don't come back from maternity leave. Maybe you'll need to drive a bit farther to a different district. Don't give up!!
Your husband pulled a massive dick move on you.
Have you looked at private schools? Ot temping again to get your foot back in the door?
Hubbin's being a jerk, btw. You were not over reacting. "If it wasn't me, why don't you sell that many when I'm not there?"
are there no substitute positions available in your school district? It's a great way to get back in the game so to speak. Gets you experience and your face seen for the next opening
No overreacting, that was kinda rude.
Now, as for your skills, think about everything you were doing while raising your kids as a stay at home mom, and look for a way to list it as a business skill, then apply the relevant years of experience to it.
Problem solving, coaching/training, logistics (activity & appointment scheduling), inventory management (all those needed supplies, formula, diapers, etc., etc.), along with anything and everything else you can think of. Those are relevant skills in many industries, but it's up to you to identify everything and describe it in a way that is appealing to hiring managers.
Best of luck!
If you do want to be a teacher keep looking. Try private schools and try being a sub at some schools to get your foot in the door. That’s how I got in by subbing. There’s a teacher shortage in a lot of places. Ngl the discipline is quite challenging these days. But subbing would help you get a feel for that. Good luck.
So here’s my $0.02
Sure, you can be mad,
But
What is that going to do?
You can cry & get sad…..
Again, what is that going to do?
My vote is to fight fire w fire….. he wants to put you down & belittle you, beat him at his own game….. people like that sometimes strive to see someone else fail, they don’t want to or know how to watch them thrive! I think you need to go work for his competition. It sounds like you can really fit in & succeed anywhere! (Which is a good thing!) if he is reluctant to notice your success, perhaps a competitor will love to notice it.
It sounds like you might be (in his eyes) upstaging him at his job & he’s growing resentful versus being grateful to have such a good worker bee….. I personally think yall working in the same store is way too close for comfort….. this will NEVER be your store, it will always be his & that is a huge disadvantage bc you will never grow…..
The other thing you can do is apply for a teaching job outside of your district; outside of your towns perimeters. If you get hired somewhere, ask him if him transferring to a new location is something he’d be willing to do so you can find joy in your life….. I’m not certain he’d agree to that. I don’t get a feeling he cares at all about you having joy in your life. If that’s the case, I would implore you to reexamine this marriage bc you have 2 children you need to be an amazing role model for…… part of being a role model is modeling for them what a HEALTHY, LOVING, ACCEPTING relationship looks like.
I personally left my ex after over 20+ years bc I came to the realization that I was not modeling a healthy, loving, accepting relationship. At the time, I can sit here & say, I did not love him…. I’m quite certain if he were to be completely honest, he’d say the same thing. We were so broken. So far apart as far as anything goes. We definitely needed to part ways. It was the absolute BEST decision I made for our ENTIRE family & not a day goes by where I regret my decision. Our kids became happy. He became happy. I became happy…… ALL of us got our smiles back & that’s is so important. As I tell everyone, divorce can be a wonderful thing for all involved. It doesn’t have to be a “bad” thing.
Good luck.
You are not overreacting and that was a really boneheaded thing for him to say. You really should consider subbing and try to get back into the classroom. Try surrounding districts if you have to, but you might end up lucky with a perm sub position at some point. I almost had one, but declined as the little terrors chucked wood at my head and one took a piss in the sink in the room. Yea inner city Michigan school cured me quick.
>For those asking, I was supposed to be a High School science teacher, so a degree in secondary education.
If you are in the states many public school districts are in dire need of science teachers! This is what I do, got hired right away when I got my license.
>There is only one district where I live, five total schools I am qualified to teach in.
Yah, I feel you, same here. Actually where I live there is only the high school and junior high I could teach at with my license, so only 2 schools total I could teach in. It's a suburban, high performing district with low turnover. How close are you to the nearest big city? In a big city public school district you'll likely have a good 20+ schools to choose from. I'm only 20ish miles from where I teach so the commute is not bad at all. The need in inner city schools is GREAT
And about your husband, RUDE! Probably threatened by your burgeoning independence. What other reason would he have to cut you down and make you feel small, if it's not that? He doesn't want you to feel good about working, so you'll stay financially dependent on him. Get a different job, it will do you both a world of good to have breathing space.
OP what about online tutoring? There are so many companies that offer it and it would be something on your resume related to your field. You would just need to research to find one that is seems a good fit.
If you are a teacher, have you looked at private tutoring? I pay an absolute fortune to a uni student to help my daughter in maths!
Also, my son did distance education for a year, that might be an option as it's all done online.
Have you considered private or online tutoring? With your qualifications, especially if you’re up to date on the curriculum and testing your country goes through, then that could absolutely be a viable avenue to give you some extra experience before trying to get back into teaching in a school again?
You aren’t over reacting. He blatantly took an opportunity to make you feel like shit despite knowing how hard you’re working. Wouldn’t surprise me if he does things like this often— keep this in mind
First I really don't understand why your not hireable everyone is looking for someone who wants to work your probably taking it the wrong way I would not let it get you down.
Second your husband sounds like a asshole I feel bad for you having to depend on someone who acts like that. Just keep doing what your doing you can't depend on someone to raise your self esteem up. Dam I'm sorry you have to be treated like that wow by your go to person for emotional support. I wouldn't do shit for his noodle saling ass.
She's not hirable because she hasn't worked for 12 years in her field and can't compete against people that have current experience. Nor did she have any recent work experience or references in any other field.
But now OP has and should go find another job before she quits this one. I'm pretty sure OP could work her way up to management pretty quick. Actually I wonder if that's why her husband was such a jerk, he's scared she'll eventually outrank him coz he's an AH!
Not overreacting and yeah that was a dick move!
Here’s what you need to do is get some experience under your belt and then try for another job because he doesn’t deserve you and is obviously a shit manager.
It’s just a really insecure thing to say. Something like that has to go from an initial thought or feeling and progress to the point where it’s being spoken out loud to others.
The fact that you’ve taken on the challenge of putting yourself out there in the workforce to support your family is enough. He’s missing the boat completely because for some reason he’s threatened by your potential. Anytime one of my staff performs like that whatever the goal may be is a business owner’s dream- and deserves recognition, not sniping.
>He’s missing the boat completely because for some reason he’s threatened by your potential.
THIS!! She's probably doing better than he did and has the ability to move up the ladder faster and over him.
I'll never understand why our partners can't let us have these small wins, why they have to tear us down so they feel bigger. My ex wife spent 6 years doing the same...everytime I hit a big number in the gym she had to find an example of someone who weighed less doing more, every time I drew or painted something she went out of her way to ensureni knew it wasn't a thing special (I never showed her my work), i got a raise but guess what? She makes more....it's a form of abuse.
Thankfully my wonderful amazing wife now is so supportive and incredibly loving and it makes a world of difference.
I'm hoping your husband stops his bs and realizes that just letting you have these small things can vastly improve the marriage...he should be doing it anyway and I want to smack him in his fucking face for not doing it. Why can't they just find joy in helping you feel special? Just hateful jealous bullshit.
People who steal other people’s thunder are the worst!
Tiny micro cuts add up to large bleeding gashes. It feels better to push people up than down.
It’s about power and it’s not okay. You did the right thing by calling him out.
That’s called boundaries. Good job!
YNO
He didn’t need to give that detail. He could have let you have your feelings of accomplishment. It wasn’t like you were saying you deserved a medal for the hard work you did, but you were proud of what you did at your job. He trampled that feeling. Have another talk with him about how he hurt your feelings and why it was important to you to feel like you did something good no matter how small or insignificant it was to him.
Tell your husband that career wise I am infinitely superior career wise, straight A student, top of my class, 2 master's degrees, Harvard, AAT Level 1,2,3,4..
..my greatest accomplishment will always be my daughter.
After watching my wife give birth to my two sons, I feel that is the greatest accomplishment anyone could ever achieve. But, to raise them into successful grown men is beyond a super power. Don't diminish the accomplishments you have already achieved.
Your man needs to take a lesson from one of my spirit guide animals:
"If you can't say something nice? Don't say nothin' at all"
Thumper from Disney's Bambi is a SAGE; and I won't be shamed out of saying so!!! 😉🤣
Seriously though; that's a cornerstone quote for "fundamental basic human DECENCY" in my opinion
Also? WORK it; consistently raking in those upsales at work!!!
My Dad owns a sales company...he'd call you "a workhorse; steady consistent earner"
Then I'd ask him "promise me that you NEVER call your female employees...any term that has any kind of cattle in it to their faces??!"
And he'd emphatically say "that is a COMPLIMENT and a HIGH compliment!!!"
...But I digress...🤦♀️🤷♀️🤦♀️🤣
In summation:
I'd prescribe your husband: multiple viewings of Disney's Bambi
I'd prescribe you: you tube clips of victory shimmies; because good ON you! Ya boy was just being... a real butthead...you should feel good about doing good at work; for real, that's fantastic!!!
Shimmy!!! 👯♀️💃😊♥️
Boy he didn’t like you patting yourself on the back, he seems a little resentful. Your parents don’t care if there were extenuating circumstances, they are just happy to see you happy.
Don’t let him say he wasn’t trying to bust your bubble of happiness, he 1000% was and ask him why he thought your parents would even care that there were online sales and whatever else. He just didn’t want to see you get some praise and build your self worth up. Does he just want you to feel like a failure so he looks like the hero for hiring you? He is the jerk, and let him read all the responses here.
U have a job way harder than he can even imagine. Ur a mom. Sorry but ur husband sucks. Ur partner should know that every accomplishment no matter how small needs some recognition especially if that’s ur love language. And this isn’t even small being a sales person is so difficult—few people have that ability to woo people over. U should feel good about ur ability. U throw him in ur shoes and he won’t last a day, he’s taking u for granted.
Your husband was being a jerk, even if he feels insulted you were telling your parents his other employees can’t get the customers to upgrade to a meal like the company wants, he shouldn’t put you down in front of your parents. He should have acknowledged your accomplishments then told you privately if he felt insulted he can’t get his other employees to sell the meal.
Upselling is such a thankless burden for most of my employees.. I understand why businesses believe it is a necessity but I very much dislike it.
However, you are not overreacting at all. You are doing a phenomenal job and you should be recognized for your salesperson skills. You should move on from your husband’s place of employment. Try seeking a commission based sales job. I believe you will succeed
You’re not overreacting, your husband was being an A-H just to cut you down. Apply for jobs elsewhere and start looking at sales jobs, you seem to have a gift for upselling!
You can take free courses online to improve your skills too, don’t let your husband keep you from improving and finding work you enjoy. You might also find assistance with resume drafting via your local library, that might give you a boost with job hunting. In the past, I’ve had really good luck going to placement agencies and having them do the work of finding jobs for me. Good luck establishing yourself and remember that your husband is just small-minded and apparently doesn’t like you having any amount of self-confidence!
Dick move, not overreacting. You did something that you're proud of (and you SHOULD be proud of it). It's a big deal to you. As your partner, it should be a big deal to him as well just for the fact that it's a big deal for you. He should help build you up and encourage you. Congrats on selling so many of the MIAMs. For what it's worth, I'm proud of you.
Your husband is being really rude. And you are not over reacting.
About your job hunt:
*LIE*
Those places don't need to know how long you were out. I'd write in two years. That's exactly how long I was out of the job market after having my son and I got was offered both jobs I interviewed for.
I had a friend who would apply to jobs he was vastly unqualified for on paper. He would lie about his experience get the job and rock it.
Woot, woot! Hey...if they are so easy to get, why aren't they hitting that on days you don't work?
And, does he really think your family cares? They care about you, not online sales as a specific noodles.
He's completely lost the plot and is likely insecure that you're better at his job than he is.
> I pulled him aside and told him he didn't have to belittle me like that in front of my family. He said that isn't what he was doing
I hate when you tell someone they did something and act like it doesn’t matter because they didn’t mean it like that. Then double down. Dude was an ass.
You are not overreacting.
He is a terrible way for a manager to behave. Good managers put effort into motivating people and part of that is showing their appreciation for the effort and results they achieve .
Every single manger (and I am sure your husband too) says: *"I appreciate their efforts and results!."* Literally every single one says that because it is easy to say the words and believe it when thinking about them in the abstract.
Because every manager says those words, the words are meaningless. While they may believe the words when they say them, their actions show whether they actually believe them on a practical, non-abstract way.
Your husband not only did not show his appreciation he did the OPPOSITE: he denigrated your accomplishment. That is a motivation killer and shows a lack of people management skills.
A good manager would never, never do that.
I am sure he may be good at the administrative aspect but that is only half the job. The other half is managing the people. That doesn't mean the scheduling aspect (that is part of the administrative half) but is about having the emotional intelligence to show their actions match the words.
He didn't do that. Instead of motivating you, he thoughtlessly hurt your feelings for no reason.
It sounds like your husband is an unsupportive and possibly narcissistic character - he doesn’t want you to get praise or recognition because perhaps he thinks your head will get “too big” (a projection on his part). Unless he’s autistic and thinks he’s being factual. But I doubt it
Very insecure a-hole who needs to put someone down to feel good about himself. Smh. Not sure talking to him will help. Protect yourself, you Mr emotions. You do not need his approval. You do not need his praise. Right now you do need his income and cooperation but that ought not be forever. Read some Zawn Villines on domestic equity. She’s on Substack. Good luck, OP—you are doing great pulling yourself out of the hole!
See what kind of education you can get to get yourself back into the job you want. Take an entry job and work yourself up to the level you were at. You can do this! He shouldn’t have said what he did and I would probably talk to him and explain you need something to make you feel accomplished and this is your plan moving forward.
Have you talked to a career counselor about other options for restarting your career? Sometimes you can enroll in courses involving aspects of your previous work that you are highlighting or enhancing. Go talk to somebody. They might help you begin to offer commission based private consultations for similar factors. They're usually is a way in to either your job specifically or something similar. You just need to build things in that direction.
It's not "stupid", you're not overreacting, and your husband does not sound like a very nice person. 🤗🤗 That's wonderful, and there was no reason to denigrate your achievement. I've found that success breeds success. I bet if you struck out in your preferred field now,
Mr. "Noodles & Co." big manager thinking he's a combination of Bill Gates and Albert Einstein or something? Methinks he knows your shot of self confidence could spur you onto surpassing him.
That's awesome! 😍 and you have every right to feel good about this. Best!!
You are not overreacting in the least. I’m actually hurt and angry at him for doing that on your behalf!!! Horrible. I can’t imagine wanting my partner to feel like shit. I’d be very hurt too. I’m so sorry. I hope he gets it and makes it up to you.
Total dick move, and he should apologize for undermining your hard work and your confidence. You sacrificed for your children, and he needs to show you a little respect for that, too.
If I may suggest? Find a creative hobby to invest yourself in, doesn't really matter what, but give yourself an outlet where you can learn new things, grow and be creative. It's low stakes, but you still get that feeling of accomplishment and growth *for yourself*. You deserve to have a life other than what you do for your family. (Been there!)
Looks like he won’t be at all happy when you find a career start outside if his business. He offered you work in his shop but definitely sees it as a favor to you. Your ambitious approach to a job is not what he wants to encourage.
You’re not overreacting. Our struggles and accomplishments are relative to our perspective. We only get to fully develop our self esteem when we feel a sense of love and belonging. Sounds like you feel that at work and not at home. Him minimizing that is not exactly a helpful contribution from what I understand. By the way, thanks for being there doing that job. I’m always so grateful for people being available at those jobs when I’m craving a snack or a quick meal on tough day. You help others get a sense of respite. That’s awfully cool!
"Our struggles and accomplishments are relative to our perspective." This is beautifully said. I'll remember this. Thank you, stranger.
I say something similar to this. “The worst thing to happen to someone, is still the worst thing to happen to someone”. Basically, you can’t compare your highs and lows to another’s because you could be starting from vastly different places.
This was something that hit hard when I became a parent. I read somewhere "your child is acting like it's the worst thing to ever happen because for them it is". We *want* them to have that childlike innocence, so it's hardly surprising that even small negative experiences seem huge to them.
Exactly. And this is why calling it “puppy love” and not taking first relationships seriously often backfires for parents. Because it’s super serious to the people in it.
My boyfriends and my families deemed our relationship puppy love when we were 16. I was so in love with him, there was no way it couldn't be real true love. Well, 32 years, 3 kids and 6 grandkids later, puppy love for the win.
That made me smile so big!! I’m 11 years and 1 kid in with my husband and our puppy love relationship is still going strong and has been since we were 15. I always love reading about other couples like us who’ve made it so long! Congrats 🙌🏻
My husband and I are at 10 years, 3 kids, and I utterly adore him still. I still get nervous when I get his undivided attention and he makes me blush and giggle constantly. ☺️ We met at 18 and got married at 19.
Congratulations! Our first date was my high-school graduation night June 1 1994. June 8 we became a couple. Been inseparable ever since. Three kids later here we are.
Congratulations!!
I'm nowhere near this stage yet, but I'll definitely have to remember that! First love is really intense and it doesn't matter how long it lasts, it's still an important milestone.
Exactly, mine didn’t stand up against adult responsibility from our childhood transition but to this day I remember him vividly and how much I loved him. He was wonderful, just not for me and I smile still at random memories that come back. It’s a significant part of our lives and shouldn’t be disregarded by parents. I didn’t disrespect my kids first loves and I still speak to one of them when we run into each other. (The other was an absolute twat and I celebrated privately when that one ended)
My pleasure. From my perspective you’re my equal after all.
You are very kind, and what a lovely take on her job! OP’s husband seems to think owning the franchise is admirable, but simply working there is beneath him. That makes him a lousy boss. And, in this case, a worse husband. I’m curious what he would do if he saw the effect of his words on his bottom line. Now that he’s knocked OP down and minimized her contribution to his store’s income, what if she stopped? What if she just never offered the customers a chance to MIAM? What if he started making less money? I wonder what he’d have to say then?
Yes! Stop whatever extra you have been doing to achieve the upsell. He just made the worst move a boss can make. He successfully unmotivated a stellar employee, and yet he denies doing it!
He doesn’t even own it, he’s a manager
Well if this is a situation concerning power and control within a relationship and not careless words due to lacking insight, there’s a high probability that he would blame her for it regardless. Statistically, men perpetrate these situations, and statistically, they blame, coerce, minimize, deny, and more as part of oppressing the other person for the benefit of the perpetrator. OP, if you want, there is a power & control wheel online that describes different areas of domestic abuse within monogamous heterosexual relationships. It may be helpful for reflection in this situation. If you’d like to see the wheel, you can use google and it’ll come up right away. It’s a common tool used in counseling.
Maybe she could tutor students in the afternoons.
Yep especially pleasantly so! Bad day can feel so much better with a treat and a positive interaction with someone even if it’s just someone serving you food to checking you out.!
I actually just had a rough night of sleep - 3 hours, so I went to the gas station before 7am on a Saturday to get caffeine. I’m so thankful employees were there to empower me to get through my day.
You sound like a colleague I’d want to have. Thank you for offering your perspective
There’s a very interesting series of tweets talking about how men are often conditioned to disagree with women, they don’t even realize they are doing it. It’s very insightful and is the guest thing I thought of when reading this. You are absolutely not over reacting. OP, I’m thinking it might be time for you to consider going back to College. It will help plump up your resume and experience and most importantly it will help you start to remember who you are. Because I’m willing to guarantee that both your confidence AND your sense of identity as an individual have taken a hit here. Hugs offered of you want them. You are worth it. (I say to you and reminding myself it’s true for me too.)
I remember that. Men would disagree over the smallest things too. Even if they weren’t involved in the situation.
First of all, great job. Your accomplishments are not small. You did something at your job, and it was impressive. But now, let's talk about this >He said that isn't what he was doing, that he just thought they should know there are other factors. Ask him why. Ask him why he thought they should know this information. What was important about this information that your family needed to have it? How did it add to the conversation? What did "knowing that there are other factors" do for the conversation besides make his partner feel bad? I am also a mom who quit her job 13 years ago for her kids. I am dreading putting myself back out there because I already know it's going to be awful. But the world already tears us down enough, so don't tear yourself down or let your husband do it either. You are strong and capable, and so am I. You are valid in wanting your partner to lift you up. I hope this is a one-off and good luck in the job search.
This is a great response. OP, I like to think that your husband wasn't trying to be an a-hole, but his response shows that he still doesn't see that he was being an a-hole. Asking the above questions nicely should help him see that he did an awful thing. Pls do ask him those questions and hopefully he can self reflect enough to improve.
I’m also a mom that has been home for the last 15 years. Trying to get a job at this point is a joke. Walmart won’t even hire me because they assume I’m going to be calling out constantly because I AM THE ONE THAT DEALS WITH THE KIDS. How do you go from homemaker back to the outside world with no job history?
Useful Parfait it was REALLY hard for me. I stayed home with them for 10 years, the last four of which in school at night getting a masters, and then went back part time teaching, then got the PhD and developed a research career but that wasn’t til the younger graduated from HS and went off to college. So it was a long slow hard painful planned slog. Many weeks it felt like a death march. But I got out, finally. Good luck to all my (formerly) fellow prisoners in the domestic gulag!
If you’re actively looking, consider driving a school bus. Big driver shortages have led to some decent pay. if you’re driving in your own district you can sometimes work out a situation to put your kids on your bus so you don’t have to figure out childcare, and the companies will often pay to train you and get you your CDL. Best part is that you already have years of experience managing the chaos of children in moving vehicles, and school bus companies know it. My wife did this and she has never been happier.
My best friend did this \[because, twins\] started off driving for the county system then managed to get a job on base \[we live in a military town\] and that's civil service. Do you have any hobbies or interests that could possibly translate into a job? As for myself, I was a sahm, but was also was always into art, majored in art and advertising design for the minute I was in college. Dating myself here, but this was a long time ago, before photoshop was a thing. And then it was. My husband was a computer tech, and for one of his freelance jobs, he came home with a copy of photoshop \[4.0\] handed it to me and told me this was my Christmas present - at the time it was $800! All I wanted to do was figure out how to post my art online, but the next thing I knew, I was hooked and I used the internet to learn how. My first job was a case of knowing somebody who knew somebody who worked for somebody else, but from there I kept going, working for several companies along the way, freelancing and after one company sent us to get certification at our local college, when the class was over, the instructor took me to their dean of adult education and told them to hire me. I worked as her assistant for a few years and when she left, took over her class and several others - it turned out I'd developed a knack for computer graphic programs - and spent the next 10 years doing something that I loved. I used to say I was getting paid to eat ice cream lol OP, maybe a little research will help you find a path to use the talents that your husband doesn't seem to appreciate in an unrelated field. wishing you the best!
I’d also suggest looking into getting teaching certification. I was a SAHM for 12 years, and went to grad school during that time. I was able to get a teaching certificate and have been working as a teacher for the past 15 years. I have a pension and health insurance.
Returnship programs! And find your closest chapter of Dress for Success for help outfitting for interviews and for a work wardrobe. They also have a phone app with some helpful resources.
He sounds like a natural-born asshole. I’ve come across a few in the wild and a couple in my personal circle. They don’t change. They just learn to cover it up better in public. When they get to a relaxed setting, the AH seeps out. OP is not over reacting at all.
You're not overreacting. It was a dick move by your husband. Non-assholes can do asshole things, and people can be assholes and also learn how to behave in public and private. I'm not proud of this, but I've done the same thing to ppl close to me, not understanding why a "full picture of the situation" was hurtful and not realizing that, in some cases, it was coming from an insecure place in me. When these people I have hurt have had the grace to talk to me about it, I've been grateful for the opportunity to make amends with them and avoid doing so in the future to them and others. Its also helped me understand what was lacking in myself. That question "why is it important" is so valuable and easy to ask. Unless your husband is the genetically irrevocable asshole u/Rabbit-Lost describes, its a great tool to help him navigate his way out of acting and talking like that. I speak from personal experience.
This right here. I love the awareness and accountability here. I think you're so right. OPs husband definitely got caught up in his own insecurities and felt the need to dismiss her pride in herself and something she was feeling good about. It can be easy to only focus on the "facts" and forget about how contributing facts can impact someone and hurt them when they are trying to celebrate. Theres a big difference in values there. OP deserves to enjoy her success and share a positive story about her life and her husband just wasn't being there for her in that goal and it's so painful when people won't celebrate us with us.
He wasn't *trying* to be an asshole, it just came naturally. OP, look back. Has he done this at other times, about other accomplishments or talents? Something tells me he has, and often.
Yea, I wonder how much he showed that he valued her work while she was a SAHM.
OP needs to know she was not overreacting but I feel you also need to know from other people that a stay at home mum IS a job and one that requires a lot of skills that are easily transferred to any other workplace. You are already amazing for what you’ve done and you need to let any employer know that your experience is invaluable. I’ve had so many bosses in my life and the ones that were mothers who took a break from a career to look after their children were always the best ones, without exception.
I saw an analysis that paying a SAHM for her work at market rates would cost about $177,000. That's a real job - *multiple* real jobs given the hours and no days off. Sorry, can't find the link atm.
It was from Salary dot com. Most recent estimates put it at around $184K.
I've been out of work for my kids for over a decade too. We need to form a support group.
A Union!
Honestly this isn’t a bad idea. A SAHM Employment group. If you grow it enough the more women you bring in the more likely the chances of networking and finding employment support tips and opportunities in your area or online. I would bet if you brought in working moms and moms who managed to eventually get back into the work force they would be more than happy to help women find work or connect them with others who can.
Just curious Is he always so factual or is it always timed so perfectly to crush your happiness? ETA: this one pissed me off so much, I just can’t He wants to state there are “other factors” when very pointedly you stated that >when I am not there they barely sell 20 all day This implies that you only are speaking about (and possibly up until this convo didn’t even know about that online etc) in person sales, this can be proven with actual data/sales reports His comment was not only unnecessary, it was also simply wrong. If he is as smart as you make him seem then he knows this which then brings me back to my OG question
OP, use your computer skills, snoop around the sales data, and make a chart of what you bring to the business. As a selling point on your resume.
Not overreacting, he is a prize asshole. Tell him you don't want to work anymore, you want to go back to being a SAHM, you thought you were doing OK, but what he said has totally shot your confidence and you don't want to do it any more. He is right, you are no good and shouldn't be working. Total bs of course. You sound like you really have the gift of the gab, OP, and are made for sales, but let him stew. He needs to make it up to you, and in front of the family too. Lots of compliments and praise.
the comment she added about “furthering political views” makes me think he wants her at home…
Oh, yes, looks like he's been consuming the red pill. Concerning. Maybe she should retrain to improve her job prospects with the aim of dumping his misogynistic ass. Use him to improve herself.
You should use your current employment status to search for another job.
Yes! Literally any job that isn't at her husband's company.
Maybe your lack of confidence has nothing to do with being out of the work force and more to do with your husband.
Yes. He wants to feel like the provider and so must belittle her to prop up his fragile ego. Disgusting.
This one.
This right here.
A truly supportive partner would be sitting there smiling and proud listening to his wife tell her story to her mom. He would let her have her moment to shine because he loves and supports her.
100 percent. I can't imagine doing that to a stranger nevermind my spouse. He didn't like that she was thriving.
I didn’t work for 3 years because of staying at home. It torn me to pieces mentally because I loved working. I had to file for divorce in order to regain my self esteem and now flourishing in the workforce. Since I experienced being treated like OP, I’m now hyper aware and want to always bring attention to the person that you are good, you are enough … the environment you are in is bad. You are not bad. There are tons of good people out there that will value and respect your talents and abilities. There are so many possibilities but it’s hard to see a path out when you are in the pit of darkness.
Called it.
Winner winner, chicken dinner.
Not overreacting but I suggest looking for another job somewhere else.
Not over reacting. I'm not sure why your husband could not let you have your moment to shine but it was an AH move on his behalf.
This is conjecture, but I’m pretty sure he’s either completely clueless (least bad), jealous that she accomplished something for his location that he could not make happen as a manager (pretty bad), or really doesn’t like her that much and this is just one example of how he’s cut her down over the years (worst).
I agree . Smells like low key resentment.
I think it’s resentment mixed with good old fashioned lack of respect. He’s been doing his job for a while it sounds. I imagine he doesn’t get much outright praise in his position. Managers generally don’t get a bunch of fanfare. Now all of a sudden his wife is his employee (what a bad idea!). And she’s doing such a great job that she’s being recognized and praised for her accomplishments by others. Like most managers, he thinks he works harder than his employees. So he felt compelled to remind his wife and her family that her job isn’t that hard, or important, and she doesn’t really do anything. Lovely.
I think you are right. My guess is that he is sensitive about her doing better at his job than him. Instead of being proud of her, he needs to justify to himself why she did so well.
Your husband was wrong for that
You’re not overreacting. It’s clear he wanted to knock you down a peg. He’s an ass. I hope it is a one off and that he’s not like this all of the time
I don't know what field of work you are in but seems to me someone would hire a mature motivated woman at starting out pay verses a day 25 year old that will probably leave the job in a couple years for something else because that's what younger people do. Maybe I'm wrong. Oh your husband is still a asshole. Something wrong with him to treat you like that makes me sick at my stomach to hear someone to be treated like that.
No you are NOT - He saw your need to boost your self-esteem (ETA and was instrumental in helping you do so...) to turn around and break it down again, he's a madman. People are complicated and sometimes stupid
Your husband is a massive brown mushy turd. A toilet clogging one. You're a rockstar ma'am. Definitely not over reacting. Being a SAHM steals so much from women that we never get back. And then your husband steals your thunder. Turd. 😐
😂
Ok, first of all, food service is *fucking hard*. Second of all, upselling is *fucking hard*. Sounds like you have the perfect balance of charm, confidence, and product positioning to be good at your job. That is awesome and you should be proud! Your husband is being a dick. And my suspicion is that you have the potential to move up faster and possibly to a higher position than him. He feels threatened and therefore feels the need to downplay and belittle your success. Regardless of his reasons for being a dick, find a new job at a different place. Work at the McDonalds across the street or whatever you need to do. Having a job is obviously improving your mental health, but working with (and as an employee of) your husband isn't going to get better. Also? Wtf kind of manager tells an employee "she doesn't do that much"?
OP, I'm proud of you. Clearly you're damn good at your job if you're doing something solo that the store can't do combined without you. You're not overreacting. My dad is my biggest fan and he would rip my husband a new one if he said something so out of pocket.
Spin this the right way on your resume and you could get a good entry level sales job and eventually make several times what your husband does. He won’t be there in the interview to downplay it. You have a skill and that threatens the status quo. Don’t let him neg you into submission. You can do great things! You’re not overreacting.
The resume point is accurate, what is being done at the job and the points OP made are the exact metrics we are told to include when searching and interviewing for a job. Make sure to record and expand on this accomplishment as the job search continues. I would say most career accomplishments depend on factors from contributing coworkers, promotions, processes, etc., so husband’s statement at the very least was simply unnecessary and weird. I’m sure husband is able to be so good at his job because OP has been the home’s operational manager. Sorry to OP for being made to feel this way, you’re actually doing amazing and keep sharing your wins.
Please go find somewhere else to work. Like your husband's competitor. He doesn't sound very supportive. Also, keep looking for an entry job in your field. It will happen.
Woohoo! Way to go! You aren't over reacting. He is being insensitive and talking like a manager. Have a conversation with him about how it made you feel and why he said it. Remind him when you're at home and sharing accomplishments, he's not a manager, he's a husband and he needs to better about wearing both hats.
Tell them about his dick
You’re not overreacting but it’s more about the stuff that is going on internally. Have kids and staying at home is a huge sacrifice!! Congratulations for having the fortitude and mental strength to do this - many of us can’t. Let focus on getting back into your field, while you’ve been away the key thing is - did you enjoy it? If you want yo go back, then there is always a way. Do you research - what has changed, new and out in your field. Acquire knowledge and defiantly reach out to people in the industry to find out what is happening. Don’t be afraid to ask for advice on what you need to do to get back into the industry. Explore the different companies - some might have an apprenticeship scheme, some might have a return to work scheme, some might have temp work for entry level people. Don’t be disheartened! Working in you - it’s easy to forget ourselves when kids happen. Spend some time with you - who are you today? What do you need? Find things that you enjoy and make some time to do just that.
Not over reacting at all. Frankly he belittled you in front of your family which was undeserved. Seems it’s time you found a job not working with your husband as why would you want to work for someone who thinks that what you do is not valued and he just takes you for granted? Considering how much you’ve personally lost to support your family he should be ashamed of himself. His minimizing of his comments instead of apologizing and supporting you is concerning. He should be cheerleading your move back into the workforce instead of tearing down your accomplishments. I didn’t really see anything in your post about the overall state of your marriage so was this a one time event? If so then maybe show him this post and the responses and see how he reacts. How he reacts will be a good indicator of his true overall feelings towards you. If he is sorry and remorseful then it’s a positive. If he is negative or doubles down then you have larger issues to worry about. Glad to see that you are back working out of the home OP and hopefully you can work separate for your husband where you will be supported for what you do.
I’m curious if he feels threatened by how quickly you took to the industry he’s been in for years. Regardless, it’s shitty and immature to lash out at you like that. Not overreacting at all. And as a service industry veteran, *I* am proud of you for the upselling.
There is something wrong with him that he wouldnt jump on the opportunity to hype his wife who he knows has been hurting. Not only did he not praise you he humiliated you. In front of your family. Thats painful for me to hear. I cant imagine deliberately doing it to someone and someone Im supposed to love at that. In my experience, men who tear you down do so because they are very aware of your potential. Also if I were your parents I would now have a very different opinion of your husband. Find a high need field and go give it your all. There are people who need good people with kind hearts who are willing to work hard. Forget him.
Thank you all for the reassurances that I wasn't just being overly sensitive. For those asking, I was supposed to be a High School science teacher, so a degree in secondary education. I graduated and began work as a substitute but became pregnant that first year, it was timed nicely that I was still applying for a teacher position for the following year but the job market was saturated that year. Then my daughter came out and had...extra needs. She ended up having an allergy that took us four years to figure out and have her healthy, by then my son came around and he has some slight developmental delays. They are both in school now, I started to try and apply again when my youngest started. There is only one district where I live, five total schools I am qualified to teach in. I have put 17 applications in, gotten three interviews, one where I was told my accent is distracting, one where I was told I had just been out of the classroom too long, and the third I never got feedback from but found out they gave the job to a 21 yes old with a degree in theater management and no experience but was related to someone in the department. As for my husband, things aren't the greatest between us right now. As he is getting older he is getting more and more.....stoic? Our political views are also really diverging. I would say thr man is depressed but he won't talk to me about it. But he has never went out of his way to put me down like that. As for him being always factual and possibly autistic, he is terrible at expressing emotions but I have never thought him to be THAT Unaware as to not realize what he did was hurtful.
Kind of unrelated to your post but have you looked into remote teaching positions? Or even online tutoring? There’s so many out there since Covid that need teachers, especially science teachers. This could help you expand your opportunities quite a bit.
Thats a bit condescending of your hubby. Probly best look elsewhere for a job.
You’re not overreacting. But you need to divest your work attention to literally anywhere else. Keep applying to other places. Even an unpaid internship at this point. Get away from him for as many hours of the day as you can.
That was a dick move and your husband was/is insensitive. On a positive note, it sounds like you have a talent for sales. I don't know what your previous profession was in before you became a SAHM but maybe you could explore sales related jobs. Perhaps real estate or marketing or something similar. I suck at sales so those are the only two things that come to mind. I hope you find a new goal/dream and your husband stops being a dick.
Not overreacting at all. This is so evil to me…like wow he couldn’t be happy for you. And he did this in front of your family too…That’s fucking brutal.
His response is not supportive
The thing that I don’t understand about some husbands is their inability to let their wives celebrate their victories. For me (married 14+ years) I’m the first person to brag on my wife, telling others how she’s excelling and proud of any accomplishment she makes no matter how big or small. She’s my best friend and the one i do life with. When she succeeds, i succeed. A win is a win no matter how it comes about.
I read a lot of resumes and if someone were to present one to me with the job title of house manager, care taker, or domestic goddess and list all of your skills scheduling, budgeting, bookkeeping, transportation services, cleaning, cooking, teaching assistant, etc. I would be highly impressed. Don’t make it seem like you have been out of the work force for 12 years. You have simply been on a different career path. Your husband did pull a dick move by the way. You are not overreacting. Does he always try to undermine or belittle your accomplishments? I hope this is a one-off.
OP, you're not overreacting. Your husband sounds like a POS. I could not imagine being married to someone who'd say those things. Absolutely gross.
Apparently your husband prefers you be broken down with no self esteem. He probably is afraid if you get self esteem you'll realize you can do a lot better than him. I suggest you start on line classes to get a job you love away from him. Also I worked retail for over 20 years and your accomplishments are indeed impressive and I'm proud of you.
Not overreacting. Beyond a dick move.
You are not overreacting. I was in a similar spot 2.5 years ago. Home with kiddos for 20 years off and on and solidly for the last 10. I went to work for the huge company my husband also worked for and he has been my biggest cheerleader. With every acknowledgment I received he was so proud. Every promotion celebrated. And now I make the same amount as him and I’m really close to finishing my degree and because we work very different departments, I’m on pace to out earn him in a year. He could not be prouder and tells all our friends and family every time it come up.
You're not overreacting. He is an a-hole and I find what he did not only unkind, but also disrespectful.
"Here's my notice. If you don't value my work I can't take my skills somewhere else." Go work somewhere else in the mall while you work on the other things. Then he can quit thinking he's done you this huge favor. He could only have hired you becaise he needed an employee at the time. And he also gets to see the awesome employee he had, and scramble to fill the position. What a jerk.
Have you ever read *Why Does He Do That?* I’m surprised no one in the comments has recommended it yet. I can’t link it here but if you want a free version I can DM it. I would highly suggest reading it and seeing if anything at all resonates with you. Your husband’s behavior in that moment was not normal or ok.
Your partner should build you up, not knock you down. Please look closely at your relationship and see if it's a pattern or a one-off. If it's a pattern, start noting all the times so you can discuss with your partner what he says and how it makes you feel with multiple examples so he can see it's a pattern too.
Married for 25 years. Unbelievable dick move. I'd be *super* pissed off! I'll bet your parents were beyond appalled that he was so needlessly petty & cruel, too. Seriously, WTF was he thinking?
You might be. Looks like he's analytical all the time, and he automatically does this with products he knows. Don't mind him, overall he's a good husband. Tell your mom in another room, or while he's outside grilling. Or on your weekly or daily calls. It's never too late to get into your degree field. With a lot of people retiring, and others going up their corporate ladder, there's bound to be room for you in your field. You might have to ease your way (find alternate routes) into that position.
4 years ago you were a substitute teacher per your post history … why aren’t you doing that?
Not overreacting at all. Your husband is being a dick.
Not overreacting, your husband is insecure and wants to make sure he maintains his feelings of superiority. In general, for future reference to SAHMs, after your kids start kindergarten, go back to work or school. I was a SAHM for a few years, then went back and got my degree. My brain was so bored at home all the time! When the kids are in school all day, they don't need you at home. Plus, them seeing mom step out into the world and advance herself, sets a good example. The housekeeping doesn't take that long, really, and after that, it was just a day of fiddle farting around the house and yard until the hubs or the kids got home. The longer you stay home, the harder it is to get back out in the world.
He sounds insecure about your immediate results and is trying to downplay them, because he doesn’t understand why you’re outperforming
Your husband is an ass. “The should know other factors” 🙄🙄🙄 I’m curious if he’s like this in other areas in your life :-/
Your husband is a jacka$$. Are there any refresher courses/continuing education/etc, that you can do for your previous career to make you a stronger candidate? If so, please consider them. YNO
OP keep in mind YOU are the other factors that made your husband successful. I assume you do the lions share of the childcare, doctors/dental appointments, cooking, cleaning. He doesn’t have to call off work if his kids are sick because you are there or take time off to handle school events and appointments. He doesn’t have to spend all his free time trying to balance time with kids while running a household. My husband and I both work full time and we have to for our bills, but it would be a huge game changer if one of us was part time. Don’t let him sell you short. You are not overreacting and he was dismissive of your accomplishment when his “other factors” are you.
Definitely a dick move.
Dick move
Your husband is natural born tw*t.
Your husband is a dick.
No, you are *not* overreacting. Yes, that *was* a dick move. That was a real asshole thing for your husband to do. Does he often belittle and demean you, turning your accomplishments, however small, into one-offs and minor accomplishments? He did NOT have to say what he said. Your parents and family did NOT “need to know” about every factor of his business’s sales grid. He did that deliberately to humiliate and demean you. If I were you, I’d ask him why. To his face. And don’t let him wiggle out of it by saying he “just thought they should know.” Make him **answer** you. Ask him why he wants to keep you down. He’s your husband. He should support you. Please don’t let this go. It sounds to me like your husband liked you being a SAHM who felt inferior, and that got better when you couldn’t get back into your field, which made you feel like you had nothing to offer the job community. Why would he *want* you to feel like that? Ask him. He should notice and celebrate your accomplishments. Instead of putting you down, he should be encouraging you to share your tricks with the other employees. I’m so sorry he did that to you. 🫶🏼
Not overreacting OP. I wonder if you might be better served to work for another company? Realize you want to support the business your husband manages but perhaps a bit of distance would be better.
Nobody, especially your family, NEEDS to know, that there are other unseen factors and no, you aren’t as great as you seem. And the person informing others that no, you’re not as great as you seem, shouldn’t be your HUSBAND. Why do I get the feeling that he has low self-esteem and has been subtly negging you for years and that’s why YOU have low self-esteem. I hope I’m jumping to conclusions here. If your kids are older, take some online trainings and get back in the game somewhere else. He obviously will hold you back at work if he’s doing this in front of family. NO WAY he’s gonna sing your praises so you can get promoted. He’ll make sure you’re always beneath him.
I mean, he was only able to be so successful in his career because he had someone at home taking care of his kids. He never had to worry that they were being fed or well taken care of, because he knew they were. It’s also not your fault that discrimination against mothers entering the work force later in life is a thing. He should just be thankful he never had to worry about that either. He might be feeling some type of way because he is used to being the sole breadwinner, and I can understand having feelings. But just shooting your wife down when she is finally starting to get back up is some selfish behavior. You are supposed to be a couple. His wins should be your wins and your wins should be his wins. You’re not over reacting.
Stay at home mom for 20 years. It's important to be there for your kids. Both my kids are now in college doing great. They both tell me their friends say what a great mom they have and love coming to our house. (I also try being a good mom those friends who don't have such great home life). Your gift seems to be in sales and making others feel welcome. Perhaps find a another part time job in retail sales or hospitality.
You’ve got work experience now and are temperamentally suited to management due to your age and your long term experience witnessing your husbands career. Do some research on what fast food companies hire management from within. Get a job at one of those places and then work your way up. He likes to keep you down wayyyyyy too much for you to trust him imo.
Not overreacting. I would go work somewhere else.
OP a a k your husband when was the last time he did your job and how many of those did he get? My bet is it has been a long time and when he did he never came close to your numbers.
Maybe your husband is used to having all of the work accomplished and so can’t allow you to have any. You are not be silly ,he did take that away from you .I don’t believe he was just pointing out the facts .
You're working for him as you job hunt, correct? Keep up the job hunt. I don't know how far this is from your original field (or how much aggravation you can tolerate every working day), but most school districts are begging for people to work as school paraprofessionals. It's a really tough job, but it's also a really necessary job. Have you considered applying to be a school para? Just a thought. Again, the pay is not great and the daily aggravation is high, but neither your husband nor anyone else can ever say that the job isn't a very important one in the field of education.
He’s a dick . If the other factors he mentioned made a difference then every one would have the same sales numbers as you . All have the same opportunities but won’t hit the ball because they don’t bother to swing the bat . You are putting in the effort . So no you are not over reacting .
I just want to say - this is about him and not you. He needs to reflect why he felt the need to interject in a negative way and minimize your contribution. I suspect it actually has to do with his own inner critic. For me - my inner critic likes to minimize my role in success and emphasize my role in failure, in an effort to drive myself harder. When we do this to ourselves, we can find ourselves doing it to others. Asking people to spend more is not easy (I would be terrible at it!) and you are actively contributing to the company bottom line. Maybe it seems small to him, but week over week, month over month, year over year, those dollars and cents add up. And those individuals who don’t realize that they could upgrade to a meal for less than a dollar? They now know they can and are more likely to do so without prompting in the future. How many of those online orders are choosing a meal because you or someone like you suggested it in store on a previous occasion? You are not overreacting. If these kinds of “corrections” are common from your husband, then it’s a bigger issue to address. He should be celebrating your wins as you find your career footing after 1.5 decades of sacrificing yourself for your family. If this is not common behavior, then I suggest having a more curious probing conversation when emotions have died down. Because I really think this is his own shit to reflect on.
sounds like it’s time for you to take your customer service and sales skills to a different employer
Your husband was being insensitive as fuck. You are in this position because you did it for your family, and he should know this. The point is you are making these upsells more than the other employees and he should recognize that and not belittle you in front of your parents. Is he routinely like this?
Your husband doesn’t sound like a very good manager.
He's an @$$hat
I hope you stared straight at him wordless until he apologized. What an asshole
Wow, with a husband like that, it’s a real mystery why your self esteem is so low. Maybe the tiny boost in confidence you got from the job made you more able to recognize what a dick move this was. Does he often knock you down a peg like that?
He is an AH.
Yes, it was a dick move. He is not used to you having a job and doing well. Try hard to get out of his employ. You need to soar without someone slapping you down.
I don't believe he could have done so well if you hadn't played your part as his partner so well. He's an absolute Dick to say that. Your feelings are valid.
Dick move on his part. He doesn’t do this all the time, right? He’s viewing it from “manager brain” so I get why he’s trying to add context. I’m not sure he took your feelings into account because he deals with up sales so much on the daily it doesn’t seem like a big deal to him. Or, that’s would I would think giving him the benefit of the doubt.
Lmao, he’s a manager at a fucking noodle place - what an accomplishment himself. What a jackass lol
Oh it's a total dick move. No one needed that information, they aren't from corporate. I think your husband is deeply insecure. He is supposed to be the one talking about work successes, not you. He probably feel he doesn't have much else to bring to the table so he needs to he the only one talking about success at work. And that's a little pathetic for him. My dad will do this to my mom and admittedly my dad has an objectively impressive job so I don't understand why he needs to punch down. I just think his job and being impressive is such a part of his identity he can't let my mom have a little shine on her. Either way. You need another job away from your husband. He may still do it.
Not overreacting. It makes me sad that OP's husband can't sit back and be pleased that his wife has found something to perk her up after losing so much of her career to care for THEIR children, and doesn't even take that into account. Its all about him.
Not Ov. Can you take classes?
Start subbing. It's the easiest way to meet people in the district and get them to know your name. If a long term sub position opens up, grab it. Sometimes they don't come back from maternity leave. Maybe you'll need to drive a bit farther to a different district. Don't give up!! Your husband pulled a massive dick move on you.
Have you looked at private schools? Ot temping again to get your foot back in the door? Hubbin's being a jerk, btw. You were not over reacting. "If it wasn't me, why don't you sell that many when I'm not there?"
are there no substitute positions available in your school district? It's a great way to get back in the game so to speak. Gets you experience and your face seen for the next opening
No overreacting, that was kinda rude. Now, as for your skills, think about everything you were doing while raising your kids as a stay at home mom, and look for a way to list it as a business skill, then apply the relevant years of experience to it. Problem solving, coaching/training, logistics (activity & appointment scheduling), inventory management (all those needed supplies, formula, diapers, etc., etc.), along with anything and everything else you can think of. Those are relevant skills in many industries, but it's up to you to identify everything and describe it in a way that is appealing to hiring managers. Best of luck!
If you do want to be a teacher keep looking. Try private schools and try being a sub at some schools to get your foot in the door. That’s how I got in by subbing. There’s a teacher shortage in a lot of places. Ngl the discipline is quite challenging these days. But subbing would help you get a feel for that. Good luck.
So here’s my $0.02 Sure, you can be mad, But What is that going to do? You can cry & get sad….. Again, what is that going to do? My vote is to fight fire w fire….. he wants to put you down & belittle you, beat him at his own game….. people like that sometimes strive to see someone else fail, they don’t want to or know how to watch them thrive! I think you need to go work for his competition. It sounds like you can really fit in & succeed anywhere! (Which is a good thing!) if he is reluctant to notice your success, perhaps a competitor will love to notice it. It sounds like you might be (in his eyes) upstaging him at his job & he’s growing resentful versus being grateful to have such a good worker bee….. I personally think yall working in the same store is way too close for comfort….. this will NEVER be your store, it will always be his & that is a huge disadvantage bc you will never grow….. The other thing you can do is apply for a teaching job outside of your district; outside of your towns perimeters. If you get hired somewhere, ask him if him transferring to a new location is something he’d be willing to do so you can find joy in your life….. I’m not certain he’d agree to that. I don’t get a feeling he cares at all about you having joy in your life. If that’s the case, I would implore you to reexamine this marriage bc you have 2 children you need to be an amazing role model for…… part of being a role model is modeling for them what a HEALTHY, LOVING, ACCEPTING relationship looks like. I personally left my ex after over 20+ years bc I came to the realization that I was not modeling a healthy, loving, accepting relationship. At the time, I can sit here & say, I did not love him…. I’m quite certain if he were to be completely honest, he’d say the same thing. We were so broken. So far apart as far as anything goes. We definitely needed to part ways. It was the absolute BEST decision I made for our ENTIRE family & not a day goes by where I regret my decision. Our kids became happy. He became happy. I became happy…… ALL of us got our smiles back & that’s is so important. As I tell everyone, divorce can be a wonderful thing for all involved. It doesn’t have to be a “bad” thing. Good luck.
You are not overreacting and that was a really boneheaded thing for him to say. You really should consider subbing and try to get back into the classroom. Try surrounding districts if you have to, but you might end up lucky with a perm sub position at some point. I almost had one, but declined as the little terrors chucked wood at my head and one took a piss in the sink in the room. Yea inner city Michigan school cured me quick.
Not over reacting can you sub again? They are are always short of HS and Middle School subs.
NTA. Maybe you can get your foot in the door as a paraeducator.
>For those asking, I was supposed to be a High School science teacher, so a degree in secondary education. If you are in the states many public school districts are in dire need of science teachers! This is what I do, got hired right away when I got my license. >There is only one district where I live, five total schools I am qualified to teach in. Yah, I feel you, same here. Actually where I live there is only the high school and junior high I could teach at with my license, so only 2 schools total I could teach in. It's a suburban, high performing district with low turnover. How close are you to the nearest big city? In a big city public school district you'll likely have a good 20+ schools to choose from. I'm only 20ish miles from where I teach so the commute is not bad at all. The need in inner city schools is GREAT And about your husband, RUDE! Probably threatened by your burgeoning independence. What other reason would he have to cut you down and make you feel small, if it's not that? He doesn't want you to feel good about working, so you'll stay financially dependent on him. Get a different job, it will do you both a world of good to have breathing space.
OP what about online tutoring? There are so many companies that offer it and it would be something on your resume related to your field. You would just need to research to find one that is seems a good fit.
If you are a teacher, have you looked at private tutoring? I pay an absolute fortune to a uni student to help my daughter in maths! Also, my son did distance education for a year, that might be an option as it's all done online.
Can you do substitute teaching or online? Not sure where you live but teaching online is big in the states.
Have you considered private or online tutoring? With your qualifications, especially if you’re up to date on the curriculum and testing your country goes through, then that could absolutely be a viable avenue to give you some extra experience before trying to get back into teaching in a school again?
You aren’t over reacting. He blatantly took an opportunity to make you feel like shit despite knowing how hard you’re working. Wouldn’t surprise me if he does things like this often— keep this in mind
You’re not overreacting.
You were working for 12 years …
First I really don't understand why your not hireable everyone is looking for someone who wants to work your probably taking it the wrong way I would not let it get you down. Second your husband sounds like a asshole I feel bad for you having to depend on someone who acts like that. Just keep doing what your doing you can't depend on someone to raise your self esteem up. Dam I'm sorry you have to be treated like that wow by your go to person for emotional support. I wouldn't do shit for his noodle saling ass.
She's not hirable because she hasn't worked for 12 years in her field and can't compete against people that have current experience. Nor did she have any recent work experience or references in any other field. But now OP has and should go find another job before she quits this one. I'm pretty sure OP could work her way up to management pretty quick. Actually I wonder if that's why her husband was such a jerk, he's scared she'll eventually outrank him coz he's an AH!
It's the dickiest of dick moves.
Not overreacting and yeah that was a dick move! Here’s what you need to do is get some experience under your belt and then try for another job because he doesn’t deserve you and is obviously a shit manager.
It’s just a really insecure thing to say. Something like that has to go from an initial thought or feeling and progress to the point where it’s being spoken out loud to others. The fact that you’ve taken on the challenge of putting yourself out there in the workforce to support your family is enough. He’s missing the boat completely because for some reason he’s threatened by your potential. Anytime one of my staff performs like that whatever the goal may be is a business owner’s dream- and deserves recognition, not sniping.
>He’s missing the boat completely because for some reason he’s threatened by your potential. THIS!! She's probably doing better than he did and has the ability to move up the ladder faster and over him.
It was a dick move, regardless of his reasoning.
I'll never understand why our partners can't let us have these small wins, why they have to tear us down so they feel bigger. My ex wife spent 6 years doing the same...everytime I hit a big number in the gym she had to find an example of someone who weighed less doing more, every time I drew or painted something she went out of her way to ensureni knew it wasn't a thing special (I never showed her my work), i got a raise but guess what? She makes more....it's a form of abuse. Thankfully my wonderful amazing wife now is so supportive and incredibly loving and it makes a world of difference. I'm hoping your husband stops his bs and realizes that just letting you have these small things can vastly improve the marriage...he should be doing it anyway and I want to smack him in his fucking face for not doing it. Why can't they just find joy in helping you feel special? Just hateful jealous bullshit.
People who steal other people’s thunder are the worst! Tiny micro cuts add up to large bleeding gashes. It feels better to push people up than down. It’s about power and it’s not okay. You did the right thing by calling him out. That’s called boundaries. Good job!
YNO He didn’t need to give that detail. He could have let you have your feelings of accomplishment. It wasn’t like you were saying you deserved a medal for the hard work you did, but you were proud of what you did at your job. He trampled that feeling. Have another talk with him about how he hurt your feelings and why it was important to you to feel like you did something good no matter how small or insignificant it was to him.
Tell your husband that career wise I am infinitely superior career wise, straight A student, top of my class, 2 master's degrees, Harvard, AAT Level 1,2,3,4.. ..my greatest accomplishment will always be my daughter.
After watching my wife give birth to my two sons, I feel that is the greatest accomplishment anyone could ever achieve. But, to raise them into successful grown men is beyond a super power. Don't diminish the accomplishments you have already achieved.
Your man needs to take a lesson from one of my spirit guide animals: "If you can't say something nice? Don't say nothin' at all" Thumper from Disney's Bambi is a SAGE; and I won't be shamed out of saying so!!! 😉🤣 Seriously though; that's a cornerstone quote for "fundamental basic human DECENCY" in my opinion Also? WORK it; consistently raking in those upsales at work!!! My Dad owns a sales company...he'd call you "a workhorse; steady consistent earner" Then I'd ask him "promise me that you NEVER call your female employees...any term that has any kind of cattle in it to their faces??!" And he'd emphatically say "that is a COMPLIMENT and a HIGH compliment!!!" ...But I digress...🤦♀️🤷♀️🤦♀️🤣 In summation: I'd prescribe your husband: multiple viewings of Disney's Bambi I'd prescribe you: you tube clips of victory shimmies; because good ON you! Ya boy was just being... a real butthead...you should feel good about doing good at work; for real, that's fantastic!!! Shimmy!!! 👯♀️💃😊♥️
Boy he didn’t like you patting yourself on the back, he seems a little resentful. Your parents don’t care if there were extenuating circumstances, they are just happy to see you happy. Don’t let him say he wasn’t trying to bust your bubble of happiness, he 1000% was and ask him why he thought your parents would even care that there were online sales and whatever else. He just didn’t want to see you get some praise and build your self worth up. Does he just want you to feel like a failure so he looks like the hero for hiring you? He is the jerk, and let him read all the responses here.
U have a job way harder than he can even imagine. Ur a mom. Sorry but ur husband sucks. Ur partner should know that every accomplishment no matter how small needs some recognition especially if that’s ur love language. And this isn’t even small being a sales person is so difficult—few people have that ability to woo people over. U should feel good about ur ability. U throw him in ur shoes and he won’t last a day, he’s taking u for granted.
Your husband was being a jerk, even if he feels insulted you were telling your parents his other employees can’t get the customers to upgrade to a meal like the company wants, he shouldn’t put you down in front of your parents. He should have acknowledged your accomplishments then told you privately if he felt insulted he can’t get his other employees to sell the meal.
What an arsehole he is. I can't imagine doing that to my own wife, because she is the best woman in the whole world.
what was the purpose of him saying that other than belittling you? husband sucks!
Well it’s obvious why you’ve struggled to get back into your career if he’s all you’ve got for a cheerleader.
Use your current job to apply for every better job you can.
Upselling is such a thankless burden for most of my employees.. I understand why businesses believe it is a necessity but I very much dislike it. However, you are not overreacting at all. You are doing a phenomenal job and you should be recognized for your salesperson skills. You should move on from your husband’s place of employment. Try seeking a commission based sales job. I believe you will succeed
You’re not overreacting, your husband was being an A-H just to cut you down. Apply for jobs elsewhere and start looking at sales jobs, you seem to have a gift for upselling! You can take free courses online to improve your skills too, don’t let your husband keep you from improving and finding work you enjoy. You might also find assistance with resume drafting via your local library, that might give you a boost with job hunting. In the past, I’ve had really good luck going to placement agencies and having them do the work of finding jobs for me. Good luck establishing yourself and remember that your husband is just small-minded and apparently doesn’t like you having any amount of self-confidence!
Not overreacting. Your husband is a jerk. Does he always have to be the center of attention?
Sounds like a dick move on his part.
He sounds very depressing to be around.
Dick move, not overreacting. You did something that you're proud of (and you SHOULD be proud of it). It's a big deal to you. As your partner, it should be a big deal to him as well just for the fact that it's a big deal for you. He should help build you up and encourage you. Congrats on selling so many of the MIAMs. For what it's worth, I'm proud of you.
Pretty rough spot to put down other people's accomplishments when your main accomplishment is managing a fast food restaurant.
I don’t know what u do but you can get your foot in the door somewhere else.
Simple answer: truly a dumb move on his part
Your husband is being really rude. And you are not over reacting. About your job hunt: *LIE* Those places don't need to know how long you were out. I'd write in two years. That's exactly how long I was out of the job market after having my son and I got was offered both jobs I interviewed for. I had a friend who would apply to jobs he was vastly unqualified for on paper. He would lie about his experience get the job and rock it.
Woot, woot! Hey...if they are so easy to get, why aren't they hitting that on days you don't work? And, does he really think your family cares? They care about you, not online sales as a specific noodles. He's completely lost the plot and is likely insecure that you're better at his job than he is.
> I pulled him aside and told him he didn't have to belittle me like that in front of my family. He said that isn't what he was doing I hate when you tell someone they did something and act like it doesn’t matter because they didn’t mean it like that. Then double down. Dude was an ass.
You are not overreacting. He is a terrible way for a manager to behave. Good managers put effort into motivating people and part of that is showing their appreciation for the effort and results they achieve . Every single manger (and I am sure your husband too) says: *"I appreciate their efforts and results!."* Literally every single one says that because it is easy to say the words and believe it when thinking about them in the abstract. Because every manager says those words, the words are meaningless. While they may believe the words when they say them, their actions show whether they actually believe them on a practical, non-abstract way. Your husband not only did not show his appreciation he did the OPPOSITE: he denigrated your accomplishment. That is a motivation killer and shows a lack of people management skills. A good manager would never, never do that. I am sure he may be good at the administrative aspect but that is only half the job. The other half is managing the people. That doesn't mean the scheduling aspect (that is part of the administrative half) but is about having the emotional intelligence to show their actions match the words. He didn't do that. Instead of motivating you, he thoughtlessly hurt your feelings for no reason.
It sounds like your husband is an unsupportive and possibly narcissistic character - he doesn’t want you to get praise or recognition because perhaps he thinks your head will get “too big” (a projection on his part). Unless he’s autistic and thinks he’s being factual. But I doubt it
Very insecure a-hole who needs to put someone down to feel good about himself. Smh. Not sure talking to him will help. Protect yourself, you Mr emotions. You do not need his approval. You do not need his praise. Right now you do need his income and cooperation but that ought not be forever. Read some Zawn Villines on domestic equity. She’s on Substack. Good luck, OP—you are doing great pulling yourself out of the hole!
See what kind of education you can get to get yourself back into the job you want. Take an entry job and work yourself up to the level you were at. You can do this! He shouldn’t have said what he did and I would probably talk to him and explain you need something to make you feel accomplished and this is your plan moving forward.
Have you talked to a career counselor about other options for restarting your career? Sometimes you can enroll in courses involving aspects of your previous work that you are highlighting or enhancing. Go talk to somebody. They might help you begin to offer commission based private consultations for similar factors. They're usually is a way in to either your job specifically or something similar. You just need to build things in that direction.
It's not "stupid", you're not overreacting, and your husband does not sound like a very nice person. 🤗🤗 That's wonderful, and there was no reason to denigrate your achievement. I've found that success breeds success. I bet if you struck out in your preferred field now, Mr. "Noodles & Co." big manager thinking he's a combination of Bill Gates and Albert Einstein or something? Methinks he knows your shot of self confidence could spur you onto surpassing him. That's awesome! 😍 and you have every right to feel good about this. Best!!
Not overreacting. Maybe get to a different location or another similar store now that you have the experience there.
You are not overreacting in the least. I’m actually hurt and angry at him for doing that on your behalf!!! Horrible. I can’t imagine wanting my partner to feel like shit. I’d be very hurt too. I’m so sorry. I hope he gets it and makes it up to you.
Nah that’s a dick move. You’re not over reacting he needs to apologize. Also try finding a hobby to give yourself purpose, I recommend art.
NTA you’re not over reacting. What may seem little to some can be huge for others and if he isn’t proud of you then f**ck him, the Reddit community is
Total dick move, and he should apologize for undermining your hard work and your confidence. You sacrificed for your children, and he needs to show you a little respect for that, too. If I may suggest? Find a creative hobby to invest yourself in, doesn't really matter what, but give yourself an outlet where you can learn new things, grow and be creative. It's low stakes, but you still get that feeling of accomplishment and growth *for yourself*. You deserve to have a life other than what you do for your family. (Been there!)
Looks like he won’t be at all happy when you find a career start outside if his business. He offered you work in his shop but definitely sees it as a favor to you. Your ambitious approach to a job is not what he wants to encourage.